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Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a devoted husband,
a loving father, a doting grandfather and loyal friend.
I was lucky enough to spend some time with Arthur
towards the end of his illness
and, despite the sad circumstances, I always looked forward to those visits,
knowing that I would be greeted with the joy and happiness
for which he and Irene were so...
Look, I'm sorry, this won't do.
This family is grieving. You need to show some more respect.
This family has paid for a high-quality funeral video.
A lasting memory of a fond farewell.
I got you as far as, "I always used to look forward to the visits."
Look, go away.
Piss off!
Yeah, Bags, I think we've got enough. This family needs some space to grieve.
OK.
Good job. Thanks, everyone, for your patience.
That's great. Could you not look directly in the camera?
I told you to piss off!
Hey, Baggy! Wait up!
Bags!
All right?
So, good news.
Fat Kenny Radford's grandmother died. Her funeral's on Saturday. Are you in?
No. Right.
I still think it's a good idea. Everyone's doing wedding videos.
Funeral videos are a niche market. We just got a touchy family.
I just want to make my own film.
Come on, Bags. Do you think George Lucas never struggled?
Ridley Scott, right, had to sell a lung to buy his first camera. That's a fact.
We'll laugh about this when we shoot The Love Storm.
Are we? Are we?
There he is, having a little laugh already. Good.
We'll make the first Oscar-winning end-of-term project in history.
We can't stop now, man. We're this close.
You are going to be up on that podium, thanking your mum,
your agent, your producer.
Thank you? Thanking you for what?
- Making me do shit I don't want to do? - Bags, you're welcome.
Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.
Yep, I know what you're thinking.
A major yawnathon, but hear me out, because this stuff
is effing cool.
So, fasten your seatbelts, we're about to take a trip into the avant-garde.
In the words of Vanilla Ice, "Stop, collaborate and listen,"
because the film I'm about to show you here is important for two reasons.
Uno.
It paved the way for the experimental Austrian animation of the 1950s.
And, dos, it's a short film.
The very same medium we shall be exploring in our end-of-year projects.
"What's that, Mr D? Short films? Two minutes?"
"No sweat. Easy."
Wrong, sailor, incorrect.
Because it's not about how long it is. Is it?
It's about what you do with it.
So, yeah, granted, it's slightly different from previous years, shorter.
But it's a challenging format and I...
Excuse me, Mr Dulberg, sorry. Our script's a feature film, 90 minutes.
Well, if it isn't Leatherhead's very own Spielberg and Weinstein.
We've been working on it for three years.
Yes, sorry about that, lads.
My bad. I think you've got some editing to do.
What? To two minutes?
Guys, can we, can we have a bit of realism here?
This is Leatherhead University, OK? Not UCLA.
If you want a calling card, go to the printer's.
Maybe it's for the best, darling.
It was going to be our ticket to Hollywood.
- Can I speak for you, Val? - Always, Stephen.
The entertainment industry is an impossible road, full of obstacles.
Now, we admire your ambition, Joe. Ambition is everything.
You've got to follow your dream.
That way, when you fail, you can always say, "Well, at least I tried."
Gotcha. Thanks, Dad.
Why don't you come in to work with me tomorrow?
Get the feel of the place. Start learning the ropes. It might cheer you up a bit.
That's a wonderful idea, Dad.
Joe?
Yeah, Dad, it sounds great,
but I think I've got to...
do things all day.
Well, let's do it soon, all right?
Term ends in a couple of months and then I want you trained up, quick-smart.
After that, it's you and me.
Clarke r Son School of Motoring.
Seven top-of-the-range Fiestas. Walnut dash and a growing client base.
You're set for life.
Could you two find somewhere else to mope? You're depressing the regulars.
Three years of film school, Lila, and I'll end up a driving instructor.
At least it's a job, Joe.
- It's a shit job. - It's an amazing job.
It's the only job that is not only extremely boring, but, at the same time, very dangerous.
- I'll be trapped in Leatherhead forever. - Hey, hey, don't knock Leatherhead.
Sure, Hollywood's all right, but do they have a Kebabsolutely?
Does it have a big Tesco?
No. No, you're right, it's rubbish. It's all just bright lights
and cool parties and premieres and beautiful women.
Grace Kelly, Cameron Diaz. Jessica Rabbit.
Yeah, you know you would. You'd do Jessica Rabbit in a heartbeat.
You two are pathetic. You go on and on about Hollywood,
but all you ever do is sit around here bugging me all day.
You're all bark and no bite.
"All fart and no follow through," as my gran would say.
I follow through. I am doing stuff.
- Pestering the recently bereaved? - It's a niche market.
What I'm saying is, why are you letting some bitter, jealous,
dead-end college lecturer stand in your way?
Did Tarantino ask his teacher for permission to make Reservoir Dogs?
London is 20 miles down the road,
crammed full of film companies desperate for good ideas.
Yeah.
Bags, don't be so negative.
No, no, you're right. We need to get out there. We need to get up in their faces.
Let's take this mountain to Mohammed.
Baggy, start the car, because we are going to London.
The film industry is just like any other business, Bags.
It's all about supply and demand.
Film companies demand a great script and we are about to supply them with exactly that.
We're like a dream come true for these guys.
And we're going straight to the big dogs.
Working Title. The most successful British film company ever.
So, we're just going to walk in there, pitch the film and get the money?
Come on, Bags, don't be so negative.
It's like God said to Moses, "You've got to have faith."
Wasn't that the fella from Wham?
- No, Moses was never in Wham. - No, I mean...
Hi, there. Joe Clarke, producer.
Oh, my God, do men get lost in your eyes?
If you keep pointing those things at me, I'm going to need a search party, because I'm lost.
And I'm hungry. I may have to eat my friend here.
Tasty!
Hello, Working Title.
Yes.
Wonderful. OK, Chris, putting you through.
- Sorry, sir. You were saying? - I may have to eat my friend here.
What?
Because of the eyes thing.
You've got massive eyes.
- Sorry, can I help you? - Yes, we're here to pitch a movie.
- Right. Do you have an appointment? - No, but we do have a fantastic script.
- Really? - Yes. It's perfect for Working Title.
Hang on, because we're Working Title.
This is fantastic news.
I'll ring Mr Bevan and Mr Fellner, the head of the company, really important.
They're in a big meeting with Universal Studios, but I'm sure they won't mind if I drag them out.
I'm going to get them to read your script straight away,
then the guys and the girls can start casting and budgeting
and we'll all go out for champagne and teppanyaki.
- Are you being sarcastic? - Yes, I am.
You do need an appointment.
I can't see your name here, Mr Clarke.
- I'm sorry. - Well, keep looking.
Just think, they could have stopped checking at Preparation G... they would have had nothing.
No? OK. Well, Mr Brown, it looks like we're in trouble.
- Our appointment's not in the book. - Are you Ian Brown?
I'm Mr Brown.
I'm terribly sorry. It's under Mr Brown's name and not yours.
- 11 o'clock to see Graham Rose? - That's right.
- Do you want to go through? - Yes. Thank you.
It's The Big Chill meets Remains Of The Day.
It's kind of a noir romance, but with elements of Welles, Capra, Soderbergh.
It's a drama, but it's witty.
Classic themes, but with a contemporary edge.
Baggy, set the stage.
Night. Thunder.
Lightning. Rain.
A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town. Our heroine walks to the door.
Hands bound, face muddied, a haunted look in her eye.
This is the story of an enigmatic woman
who enters the lives of two people and changes them forever.
- Enemies become friends... - Excuse me. Excuse me.
I've got to be honest with you, Mr Brown.
I thought you were just going to sell me some print cartridges.
That's it, Joe. I want to go home now.
Do you know how long it took Attenborough to make Gandhi?
It took him ten, long, painful years
and we've been at it for, like, two and a half hours.
The good news is we're not making some boring, cry-baby movie
about a bald bloke in a nappy.
Yeah, I know it was a masterpiece, but you get the picture.
Full steam ahead, my friend, full steam...
Bags! Bags!
It's like a sign.
It is a sign.
If you're looking for Angeline, she's next door. I should warn you, she used to be a bloke.
No, we've come to see you, Mr President, sir.
We're filmmakers. We've got an appointment.
Producer Joe Clarke. This is the director, John Bagley.
We've got a very exciting project for you, The Love Storm.
Baggy, do the pitch.
Night. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.
- Show these two wankers the door. - No, no. Look...
I know you're a very busy man, but we just want two minutes.
This is a great pitch. We're talking big money, yeah?
Accolades. Awards.
All right, Tweedledee. Two minutes. Go.
Night. Thunder.
Lightning. Rain.
A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.
This is the story of an enigmatic woman
who enters the lives of two people and changes them forever.
Enemies become friends. Friends become lovers.
- She was a stranger... - Then she shagged the lot of them.
Yeah. Am I sensing there isn't enough sex in this movie for you?
You two tadpoles come wandering in off the street like Hansel and Gretel.
You've got chutzpah, I like that. I give you two minutes, you never know.
You might have some girl next door banging yard dogs.
Or a colony of midget friends shagging each other.
You're calling it Itty Bitty Gang Bang.
Then you start talking about awards,
without one single mention of the word "pussy".
Do you see that?
Now that is the only thing that gets the Academy's juices flowing around here.
- Candy Fiveways. - Do you know who Candy Fiveways is?
Yes. She was in I Candy 2.
- And? - And...
It was her sexiest role yet.
"We laughed, we cried, we tugged ourselves dry."
Listen, Candy Fiveways is the biggest name in adult entertainment.
The patron saint of the old Nescafé handshake.
She's got three Cocks.
Golden Cockerels. The Oscars of the adult entertainment industry.
A first-class ticket to the big time.
Now, if you had her in your film, we could do business,
but you don't, so we can't and I'm a busy man.
Now your two minutes ended two minutes ago.
Robby, sling 'em out.
That went well. We just got a movie offer.
What?
In amongst the tough-guy stuff was a message.
"A bit of a rewrite, the right cast, we'll make your movie."
No. No, no. No way.
No, I can't make a film like that.
Everybody started somewhere. What's wrong with starting in erotica?
Not a chance. I can't do that.
You don't have to do that. The actress will do that.
Baggy, don't give up on me now.
Sex does not automatically ruin the movie.
Well, Scorsese did have to cut nude shots into his first feature.
There you go.
They all did. You could take porn apart, give it a heart.
Could reinvent the genre for a cine-literate, postmodern audience.
Or you could take the The Love Storm and pop in some shagging.
- Hello, we're home! Hi, Baggy. - Hi, fellas. How's it going?
You missed another exciting day at Clarke's School of Motoring.
Three passes and one fail.
- What are you watching? - This?
It's nothing. Just some stuff for college. Quite boring, actually.
I see. One of those old, black-and-white foreign jobs?
- A little bit highbrow, is it? - Yeah, something like that.
- Where's the remote? - You had it. Find it. Make it stop.
- We like a good thriller, don't we, Valerie? - Or a comedy. I do love that Ben Stiller.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Well, then, you wouldn't be interested in this.
This is just academic, highbrow, intellectual stuff.
Yes, that's right. Nothing like a good comedy.
We love a good laugh.
Soapy Tit Wank.
- You call this highbrow? - Yes.
Yeah, that's...
That's a Czechoslovakian, pre-war, monochrome, low-budget movie...
about hygiene.
The Shawshank Redemption. Tragically overlooked by the Oscars.
American Beauty. Well, Kevin Spacey is amazing in that.
Shaving Ryan's Privates?
Baggy, Shaving Ryan's Privates?
- Research material. - Research material?
Do you want American Beauty and Shawshank or just that?
No. Yeah. Of course I do.
It really is research for my script, you know, The Love Storm.
The Love Storm? Isn't that a psychological romance, with a girl?
Yeah, except the narrative has expanded to accommodate a sub genre.
Genre splicing. Good idea. Increase your potential audience.
It's more of a character piece.
So, more emotional depth? It still doesn't explain...
It's more of a porn film.
Right, right, a porn film. You should have said. But you don't want Shaving Ryan's Privates.
A I bit too much cock in that one.
But if you want to know about porn, I'll tell you about porn. Come round.
Welcome to my world.
This'll be a voyage of discovery for you, boy.
- Hi, I've come to meet Miss Fiveways. - I wish I could help, but she isn't here.
You're good. You are very good.
A Candy Fiveways film. Your address.
- Busted. - No, we're the distribution company.
We distribute films made by other people.
You distribute?
That's excellento. That's valuable work, distribution.
But you must know how to get hold of her.
- Do you have a number? - We're not really supposed...
Tiffany.
Hey, it's me. It's Joe. Remember?
Hey, look, there. Look at that smile!
That smile is wasted here. You should be in movies.
- You really think so? - Yeah.
Come on. How about that number?
I'm not really supposed to, but...
we do have a number here for...
Fiveways International.
This is it.
Tiffany?
Without you, this company would sink without a trace and you know it.
Love you, Tiffany Thomas.
And I love you...
Joe Clarke.
Fiveways International. Clive Purves.
Hello there, Clive. Tell me, do you handle Candy Fiveways?
- Yes, we do. - Excellent!
I'm a film producer, making a film and...
Well, how do I put this?
I want Candy.
Well, let me see. Candy Fiveways...
Yeah.
She's available. Do you want single entry, double entry or the full executive?
- As in? - Well, sir, the more you spend,
the more positions are possible.
I mean, she does it all, but for a price.
Yes, silly of me. I don't think we should limit ourselves at this stage.
- How much for the full executive? - Let me see. Full executive...
£250 plus VAT.
So, it's that easy?
Tell me, what's she like?
Well, she's got blonde hair,
red lips,
a nice bum.
Is she smart? You know, funny?
She's a doll.
Yeah.
I hear you.
Adult entertainment, erotica, blue movies, you can call it what you want.
Essentially, all porno is exactly the same.
It's boy meets girl. They kiss.
She smokes a little cock, he eats some hairy pie and then they have sex.
Vaginal first. Romance is not dead.
Then, one up the bum, no harm done, then more oral.
I don't make the rules. It happens.
Finally, bukkake. She's left embarrassed.
Egg on her face, so to speak.
- Yeah, well, I want to change all that. - Two pounds, love. You'll enjoy that.
So you want him to come on her first? How will that work?
You don't understand the basics of pornography.
It's not based on the same criteria as regular films.
If someone rents a normal movie,
watches it for ten minutes, switches it off, it means it was shit.
With pornography, quite the reverse. It means job done.
I want to make the first adult movie where people want to watch to the end.
They'll tug themselves numb!
But, if you can do it, you'll have changed the way people think
of gentlemen's special-interest cinema.
If anyone can do it, you can, mate.
One more thing, Baggy.
There's a saying in show business, "Never work with children or animals."
Nowhere is that truer than porno.
"The sharpest sword cuts silk, not stone."
"The warrior must live like he's already dead."
Come.
Mr Perry,
I know you're a very busy man, so I won't take up a second of your time.
- I've got Candy. - Bollocks.
For The Love Storm. You said if I could get Candy Fiveways.
Well, I've got her.
I spoke to her management. Discussed terms. Agreed a deal.
Bollocks you have!
Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
I've had the people at Bell End Pictures on the phone.
Probably more their sort of thing, anyway.
Robby, get Mr Clarke a chair.
You've got Candy?
Her agents drove quite a hard bargain, but, yeah, everyone's happy.
She's very excited. I'm very excited.
Well, well, well.
Doughnut?
Congratulations, Joe. I'm a difficult man to impress.
I look forward to working with Miss Fiveways.
And I'm sure Miss Fiveways is looking forward to working with you again.
- Robby! - You've worked with her before?
Yeah. You're a producer. You know it's all about keeping plates in the air.
We did experience a few minor difficulties with her on our last production.
Cash flow. You know the sort of thing.
I bear no grudge, but I do think it would be best if our involvement was limited
to our subsidiary film-developing arm.
Big Bang Pictures.
- Big Bang Pictures? - Yeah, Big Bang Pictures.
Think of us as a silent partner.
"Silent" being the operative word.
No-one hears about this deal. Understand?
What deal?
I do not understand. Why would...
Hi, guys. What's the haps? Can we have a little chat?
We make a film, a political allegory.
The chicken, he represent the suffering of the flightless masses
and the sky, she represent the hope.
- And the balloons? - It's Gabi's birthday.
- Hi. - So I hear you get money for The Love Storm.
You top-student, filmmaker guys.
And you, top sound, camera, lighting guys.
Listen, we're going to need a crew.
Chicken!
- Brilliant. Are you in? - No.
Sorry, no. The cinema is like a window to the soul.
For us to make a commercial film would be to ask big-time chef
to make chicken nuggets.
We make chicken in a basket.
Fair enough.
It's not your sort of thing, anyway.
There will be some girls in it and nudity.
Imagine shooting that first scene.
She's walking towards you.
Long hair cascades down, staring right into your eyes.
Swinging hips, fertile, with all of a woman's promise.
Then, she leans forward and just whispers in your ear...
"It's time for your bed bath."
Her crisp, white nurse's uniform can barely contain her...
heaving breasts.
She wants you.
- But we'll find someone else. - No, no, we will do it.
- Your chicken's getting away. - Hey!
OK, people.
Everyone ready? Everyone excited?
If a member of staff so much as glances our way, what's the signal?
Then we get rid of anything that doesn't look like a Ukrainian art-house audition.
Like the girls with their boobies out?
For God's sake, Lila. Grow up. We're making a film here.
I know Baggy is, but you're awfully excited about this casting thing.
I can't help thinking it's the boobies.
Hey, I'm realising a dream here.
I was staring at a life in the suburbs, working for my dad,
with nothing to show for myself except crippling mediocrity,
failed ambitions and the overwhelming desire to have a bath with a toaster.
And now, now, we're all actually making the movie
that is going to get us out of Leatherhead and into the big time.
That is why I'm excited, Lila, OK?
That and the boobies.
You have never known what it is to be happy.
But wait.
Uncle Vanya, wait!
We shall rest.
That's great, Lucy, really, really great. We'll be in touch.
Sorry. Baggy, didn't you have something else to ask Lucy?
What? No. No.
That's all for today. Thank you, Lucy.
Hang on. Sorry. Don't you need to see her without...?
No. No.
- Yes. You definitely said... - No, I didn't.
Definitely didn't. It's not the kind of thing I'd say.
- Joe, maybe you should. - Where's my pen?
Thank you, Lucy. That's all we need. We'll be in touch.
OK, so you don't want to see my tits, then?
- That won't be necessary. - That would be great.
- Won't be necessary. - We'd love to.
Atten-shun!
Left! Right!
Left, right! Left, right!
I think about what might have been, but the Jezebel packed her bags...
and went away
and I've never been the same again since that summer.
Thank you...
Carl, that was, that'll be all.
Excuse me.
Carl, that was a very brave performance.
I know.
I wrote it myself.
It's just about this really,
really emotional time in my life.
I like to draw on everything I can to make my acting as deep and as real as it can be.
- Could we see you without your shirt on? - Absolutely.
Thank you, Carl.
Very nice.
- Joe? - Yeah. No.
Sorry, mate, you're not really...
- We're looking for something different. - Great. We'll be in touch.
Yeah?
- Great. - Great.
Great.
Next!
That's great. We'll be in touch.
Did you like it?
Great choice. It's very powerful, very now.
I made a shield.
I love the shield.
Well, that was some of our best moves.
We've set the standard.
That's a very unusual audition piece, Mai Ling.
You can roll me around like a choo-choo train.
The Ping-Pong balls are the steam.
You want even better? I go get peach.
All right, what the hell's going on and who the hell are you?
Lila Owens.
It's a huge honour.
These two have told me so much about you. You're a bit of a hero to them.
They admire your ability to deconstruct modern cinema.
Really?
Well, "hero" is a big word.
I'm just a guy doing his job.
Good job, guys.
Continuez-vous.
Why don't you roll back on in this way?
She's fine, son. Leave her be, yeah? Leave her be.
OK, good. Then this is our cast.
- What about Candy? - You said she'd be here.
I have to sort out costumes. We haven't even got a location yet.
Come on. She said she will be here. She will be here.
Package for Joe Clarke.
Yeah, over here. Lila, let me tell you something.
Not only have I negotiated a fantastic deal
with her representative at Fiveways International,
but he also assured me that she would be here any time now.
So, how's about you trot along and production manage a place for her to relax,
while I prepare myself for the imminent arrival
of one of the most beautiful women in the world?
Yeah?
I think she's just arrived.
No.
Wow. I'm in shock.
She looks taller on film, don't you think?
You're in shock? Look at her.
Joe! Do you think this is funny?
No. No.
I don't. I'm just saying that...
Look, hey, I'm a producer, yeah? So, I'm going to step up and produce.
There's always problems on a movie shoot. Everything'll be fine.
We saw loads of people today who will be just as good as Candy Fiveways.
Come on, yeah? Let's cheer up, shall we?
You, with your little down face. Come on!
Hello. What's this?
It's Miss Candy Fiveways. Hello.
Look at your pretty chops. Hello! Mr Bagley.
Look at her.
Hello.
Miss Owens. Oh, my God, I'm hot for some lezza action right now.
It's OK.
Joe! Stop it!
Joe, stop!
- Seriously, Joe... - Yeah?
Our investors are expecting a Candy Fiveways film
and you've provided them with a blow-up doll.
Sweetheart, it's going to be fine.
We've got a great cast.
Just leave the money to me, OK?
Many people think the butterfly suffers,
but the chloroform dulls its senses and it feels nothing.
This way, it won't struggle when the pin punctures its body.
So, how's my film?
The film? It's great. Yeah. Fully prepped.
Friends become enemies and enemies have sex with each other.
And our star?
Candy? She's great. She can't wait to get started.
I find that very surprising.
That's all water under the bridge. We're thick as thieves, these days.
That's wonderful news.
I find it surprising, Doug,
because she's taking a break from films to promote some book she's written.
She fancies herself as an author. She's in town doing book signings at this moment.
You should probably give her a call, Doug.
No, there's no need, Mr De Vere. I've been on the phone to her all week.
She's very excited.
We're very excited. Aren't we?
That's very good, because I paid you for a Candy Fiveways film
and I expect you to deliver.
Yeah, this is the place.
Don't look much of a film company.
- Are you Mr Dulberg? - Guilty as charged.
I'm looking for Joe Clarke. The lady at the desk said to talk to you.
Right. Yeah, Joe's one of my students.
Not in at the moment. Probably gone home. Sorry, you are?
I'm his dad. This is his brother.
Right, well, great kid. A lot of fun. Well done, you.
We were hanging out in the rehearsal room earlier, having a right laugh.
Always got something to say. Can't shut him up.
Well, I'll see if I can shut him up for you. What's his address again?
I thought Joe lived at home with you and Mrs Clarke.
Yeah, of course he does. Where's that?
- What? - What?
You don't know where you live?
We both know I know where I live, but do you know where I live?
Well, I can't just give out students' addresses.
We have the old student-teacher bond of trust, yawn, but...
But it's not his address, is it? It's my address. Surely you can give me my address?
8, Chester Crescent.
Hello. Can I help you?
Mr Clarke? I'm Mr Dulberg, Joe's teacher from college.
Right. Well, it's a bit late, Mr Dulberg. No trouble with Joe, I trust?
- Joe? No, no, good as gold. - You've just missed him.
He won't be back for a while. I'll tell him you called.
No, don't put yourself out on my account. I'll wait.
There he is!
I was telling Valerie and Stephen what a Jack-the-lad you were at college.
Mr Dulberg here has been waiting for over an hour.
Mr Dulberg?
Yes. He very kindly dropped by to... What exactly did you drop by for?
I would very much like to talk it out with you, one to one.
Show Valerie and Stephen into the dining room, would you, Robby?
- You want us in the dining room? - Please.
Got any Wagon Wheels?
Nice suit.
Mr Perry, whatever deal we have is between us, so leave my parents out of it.
Joe, as the executive partner of our film,
I've dropped round to double-check a couple of things before we start rolling.
Chiefly, whether you do, indeed, have Candy, as you say.
- Any particular reason? - We've got a little issue with our investor.
He's not as easy-going as I am.
He's what we, in the trade, call "an evil bastard".
If he thought you'd been spending his ill-gotten gains on flash suits and hair gel,
let's just say he'll find you and your friend...
Baggy, is it?
Well, that's...
That's lucky, then, because we've got her.
Yep.
Rest assured, she is signed, sealed and delivered.
How long have you been working at the college?
I don't work at the college.
We thought you were an associate of Mr Dulberg's.
I only just met him. I don't know Mr Dulberg.
- Why are you here, then? - I don't know.
- Ask Doug. - Who's Doug?
I don't know!
More 'Bena?
I spoke to her this morning, actually, and she's really looking forward to it.
Jets in tomorrow from LA.
No more bullshit! She's in London, promoting her poncy book.
Now, you promised me a Candy Fiveways film.
I've promised our investor a Candy Fiveways film. And that's what we're going to get.
- Or? - Or I'I kill you.
Can I come in now?
You little monkey. What am I going to do with you?
Now, look, Mr Dulberg, we'd like to know what the blue blazes is going on.
Keep your knickers on. Our job is done here.
Valerie, now, you've got a great kid here, good as gold.
Always brings me an apple, stays late to wipe the blackboard
and doesn't fuck about too much.
I'm covering the visual event, Mr Dulberg. I'm on it.
Don't worry. We'll see ourselves out.
Bye, Robby.
He's a bit eccentric, but he's a bloody good teacher.
How are we going to recognise her? Think she looks like the doll? Shall we stick a pin in her?
Stop being so negative, Bags. She'll be the one signing the books.
We'll approach her directly this time, skip the agent. Trust me, I'm a producer.
She's the one signing the books.
OK, there are minders either side of her...
Bags?
- Come back... - Well, this is lovely. Thanks for inviting me.
- You do know how to charm a lady. - Lila, I need your help.
I'm in a shitload of trouble.
- Hi. What's your name? - Sam.
Sam?
- Did you enjoy the film? - Yeah.
I've probably watched it about a hundred, a hundred and fifty times.
I've nearly worn out the disc.
Well...
Play it again, Sam.
OK, I will.
Could you make it out to my wife? Her name's Dave.
That was a misquote from Casablanca. I don't know if I can look at you.
- Yes, I can. - My, a punter with a brain.
- "It's my second favourite organ." - Woody Allen's Sleeper.
I knew it was a misquote, by the way.
- Yeah. Sure. Of course you did. - I did!
Well, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Whatever."
I can't believe you've got us making a porno for a bunch of gangsters.
This is unbelievable, even by your standards.
What are you going to tell Baggy?
You can't tell him, Lila. You know what he's like. He'll freak out. He'll crumble.
He's a stammering wreck at the best of times.
You're out of your mind, Fiveways. It must be the heat.
And you call yourself a film buff? You're clearly insane. I should call security.
I'm sorry. Mission To Moscow was never as good as Citizens On Patrol.
Miss Fiveways, the queue.
Sorry. Duty calls.
You want me to sign this?
I want you to read it. I wrote it for you.
Well, I'm on sabbatical.
No porn films till next year. Publisher's orders.
Don't think of it as a porn film.
Think of it as a film with scenes of an adult nature.
- Please, just read it, yeah? - OK.
Cheers.
Hello. I came here from Düsseldorf to see you.
Please write as follows. "To Rudi. Last night was unglaublich.
You have the greatest balls in Germany."
OK.
Yes, I know. OK, I'm an idiot, but I don't want to die.
Just give them their money back. Forget the whole thing. You've still got the money, right?
- Right? - What?
You don't have the money, do you?
The suit, the watch, the mobile.
The blow-up doll I thought was an actress.
- You're not taking this seriously. - I am. I promise.
- That's for lying to us. - I'm sorry and I was wrong. Again.
- For letting down your best friend. - Deserves more than that. One more.
- One more. - No.
- You're enjoying it, you pervert! - I am, yeah.
- Dirty... - Hi, guys. What's happening?
- Hi, Baggy. We were just chatting. - Chatting.
Yeah, I spoke to Candy. I gave her the script.
You? Really?
She's reading it. She's going to call us.
That's it. She's not going to call.
She hates the script. We might as well give up.
Well, on the plus side, I've found us a new location.
That's brilliant, Liles. Great. What shall we use it for?
A massive party? A bring-and-buy sale? A charity sales-a-thon?
Hello. Hi.
Yeah. They're, they're called...
- Big Bang Pictures. - Big Bang Pictures of Soho.
A high-end, professional production outfit. OK. OK.
Yeah, that sounds, that sounds reasonable.
OK.
Bye. Bye-bye.
What happened?
A busy day as a top director is what happened.
- What did she say? - She read it.
She likes it. She'll meet us tomorrow.
Take the library books back before nine or there's a surcharge.
Don't forget Joe's trousers.
Jeepers Creepers! It's 7:34. Time to slip into gear, Valerie.
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
- Come on, love. - Have a good day at college, darling.
Have a great day.
Morning, Liles. We can't be late. Where are we going?
Yes. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.
Morning, Bagster. You all right?
All set for the big day?
Cristi.
- Looking good. - Thank you.
Liles, focus. Location. Where are we going to go?
Just try and keep an open mind.
Hello, Joe.
- It's here, innit? - Hiya.
No. No way. I'm not...
No sets to build, no location fees. You can set your watch by your parents' routine.
They'll have no idea.
I'm going to kill you.
Joe, I need to talk to you. In private.
- Can we go upstairs, please? - Hold on.
This could be the moment we've been waiting for.
I didn't sleep last night. Can we discuss this? This is important.
Fasten your seat belts, Bagster.
The Fiveways has landed.
Oh, my God.
- Hi. - Miss Fiveways, Joe Clarke, producer.
Hi, Joe. Nice to meet you.
Welcome.
- Should we go in? - Go inside?
Thank you.
Morning, Mr Rogers. Lovely day for it.
So...
this is Sound Stage 1.
It's compact, but it's efficient.
Make-up's on the mezzanine level.
- And these are two of our talented cast. - Hi.
- And catering's towards the rear. - Hi.
- Let me show you to the beverage counter. - Baggy? Baggy, are you OK?
No, I'm not. This whole thing's not going to work.
The character motivation is not fully developed.
The second act through-line is weak. The subplots are underwritten.
- Just calm down. - I want this to stop. It's stopped.
- Come on. - The script...
May I introduce you to three of the hottest creative technicians in the business?
This is Gabi, our sound recordist. He's big news in Poland.
This is Cristi, cinematographer. He's award-winning, multi-talented.
And this is Vlad, our lighting technician.
- Sorry. - Where's John?
Baggy?
He must be fine-tuning the script.
Come on, Baggy, just relax.
Sex is the most natural thing in the world.
I'm trying, Lila. I just can't.
- It's not hard, Baggy. - I know. I know.
Baggy, it isn't hard and I know you can do it.
I just feel so inadequate.
- It's not hard. - I know. I know. I'm sorry.
Back in a sec.
- Baggy, come on. - I'm all out of juice.
You just need to take yourself in hand.
Say this is the way in...
Baggs, you have got to snap out of it.
How long have we wanted this? There is an actress downstairs,
who'll think we're the biggest bunch of amateurs ever.
She's going to walk any second unless we do something.
- Is there anything wrong? - Candy.
Hello. No. Just having a...
- It's a budget meeting. - Listen, we need to talk.
I can see you've put a lot into setting up this film.
I mean, it's pretty impressive for a bunch of film students
working on a shoestring budget with little or no experience.
And it can't be easy shooting in your parents' house while they're at work.
But I'm here because this is a great script that deserves to be made.
So, I'd like for you all to leave now, so that I can speak with my director.
- That's first-night nerves. He'll be fine. - Alone.
We'll be outside.
I'm sorry. I'm a failure. "I give failures a bad name."
It's time you stopped quoting other people's films, John.
And start quoting from The Love Storm.
John, this is your big chance.
You don't understand.
You think Fellini never doubted himself? You think Spielberg was never scared?
We were all first-timers once, Baggy, Fellini, Spielberg...
- Micklewhite. - Yeah.
- Who? - Alice Micklewhite.
Bottom-of-the-class Alice, pigtails-and-freckles Alice.
Me.
So where did "Candy Fiveways" come from?
Haven't you ever played the "what's your porn-star name" game?
You take the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on.
Candy was this horrible cat,
but I loved her.
And I grew up on the corner of this busy intersection, Fiveways.
- "Candy Fiveways." - So it is just a made-up name?
There aren't really five ways?
I've got so much to teach you.
The Love Storm. Slate one. Scene one. Take one.
- Camera set. - Action.
Even the way she walks is sexy.
Hello. Can I help you?
I need someone to please undo these...
Cut!
Can we do that again without the old guy, please?
Take two.
- OK. Camera set. - Action.
What do you think she did to Baggy up there?
By the looks of him, I'd say she did all five ways.
All five?
"Hello. Can I help you?"
I need someone to please help me.
- But I, but I've never met... - Cut!
Lila, go and talk to our friend, please?
Sorry, we're just trying to make a film over there.
Would you mind...?
Action.
Hello.
- Can I help you? - I need someone to please undo these.
But this is the first time I've met you in my entire life.
But I need you.
In that case, you'd better come inside.
Cut! Fantastic.
Thank you, sir. How much are these?
Apparently, it was some kind of localised power surge. The college wasn't affected.
It'll be Mr Harper at No. 12 with his industrial strimmer.
I know. I know. He's so selfish.
Damn you, Mr Harper!
That's mine!
Miss Fiveways, sorry, can I have a quick word?
All things considered, I think you know me well enough to call me Candy.
Candy.
I just wanted to...
I just wanted to thank you for "helping" Baggy the other day.
- It's my pleasure. - Was it?
Was it?
Because...
you know, we all need a little bit of help, once in a while.
Thank God!
You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that.
Really?
I really want you.
This is...
That is amazing!
Go on, go on, teach me.
Yeah, show me the fifth way.
OK.
So, Baggy, what am I supposed to be feeling in this scene?
When you come in, you should be like, "Whoa, what's going on?"
But don't say it. Do it with your eyes, like, "Whoa."
Joe?
What are you doing?
- Candy. I'm waiting for Candy. - What?
She's going to show me the fifth way.
- Really? - Yeah.
She said I needed to be fully lubed up.
I couldn't find any baby oil, so I used a little bit of butter
and she said that's even better, so...
- Wow! You're a natural. - Yeah.
It's actually going to happen, Liles. A film-star woman!
Jessica Rabbit.
Jessica Rabbit went home 20 minutes ago. She's done for the day.
Pardon?
Yeah. I think she's messing with you.
No. No. Cos...
She meant it. I could tell. She was really...
I don't know, she was sexy.
She meant it.
Well,
seeing as we're alone and you're all greased up,
it seems a shame to let you go to waste.
I want you.
God, Joe, I want you.
Really?
No. Just messing with you.
No, I've mentioned hoover bags,
Yes. We need some more cleaning tablets for the dishwasher.
I'm sure we had a full tub of this yesterday.
Dad!
It's...
It's 7:34. Shouldn't you be slipping into gear?
"Mirror, signal, manoeuvre."
Someone wants us out of the way so they can get on with their special film.
Yes. Your mother and I are very excited about it. We can't wait to see it.
You want to see it?
Well, of course we want to see it. It's your two-minute masterpiece, innit?
We can't wait to see what you've come up with for your college film.
Shooting it today.
OK, guys, this is going to be the two-minute film short for Mr Dulberg.
Take one.
- Cut. - Sorry. Sorry.
- Yeah. Hello. - One more week, then you deliver.
OK, Mum. That's, that's not a problem.
Well, if you don't, I'm going to find you and then, if I find you, I'm going to kill you.
That sounds great.
- Looking forward to it. Can't wait. - Yeah. I bet you can't.
Baby. Sweetness.
- See you soon. - OK.
Yeah, I'll see you soon.
Love you.
Yeah, I love you, too. All right.
Bye. Bye.
- Everything all right? - It's fine. It's all fine.
She's a super lady.
- Turn it off. - OK.
Again.
Candy, are you happy?
Happy.
Carl, are you ready?
I was born ready.
Wow.
- Scene... - Wait! Wait. Wait.
Scene 23. Take one.
And action.
My wife thinks I should ask you to stay.
- Are you going to? - I haven't decided yet.
- What do you think? - Depends.
How good are you with rejection?
Lila, could we have some Wet Wipes over here, please?
Take two.
Just a couple more minutes.
Maybe.
Take six.
Come on, Carlito. Wake up, little man.
Up. Rise.
Take seven.
Maybe this'll help.
I don't even remember seeing that on the props list.
Joe, that's not one of our props.
She just got that out of the drawer.
What?
Well, why would there be a vibrator in my parents'...?
God, no! No, no, no, no!
Cut! Cut! Cut!
That is disgusting!
Hey, morning, Joe!
It's delicious.
- Are you sure it's all right? - Three cancellations in one day, Val?
I think somebody up there is ordering us to take a little much-needed RandR.
Stephen. You're a bad boy.
104. Take three.
And action.
- Do you love him? - How am I meant to know?
You feel his breath on your neck,
and your skin reaches for his touch.
He brushes your arm
and his fingerprint tingles for a minute.
You can't close your eyes without seeing him.
But you wouldn't change a thing,
because everything's brighter than it was a week ago.
Shit. Everybody, back door!
I didn't agree to that.
Don't cut. And, Candy, pick up that line from... "and you churn".
No! No! My parents are here. Everyone, we have to go now.
- Now! - Ten seconds. Go.
While we've got the house to ourselves, why don't you give me some special driving lessons?
You do need some help with your parallel parking.
Here, hold this.
It tickles.
Afternoon, Mr Rogers. Nice day for it.
Everything's brighter than it was a week ago.
- We've got it. Cut. - Go! Go! Go, go! Go, go, go!
We're going!
- Get out! Get out! - Run! Run!
- You're coming with me, Mrs Clarke. - Meow, Mr Clarke!
We need a little music.
There.
I think if I just undo this little thing here,
and take this down here.
Hello, Joe. Why have your parents...?
Stephen.
Your whole family want to be in the porn star.
Doctor...
- Doctor! - Doctor?
- I'm going to lick you like a stamp. - That's right.
- Give me your shirt. - I'm going to flip you over like a pancake.
Trousers, too. Trousers!
We need to make a rope.
Now, how about if I...
Come on, help me.
- No. - Not even if I do this?
Who's your driving instructor?
- Who's your driving instructor? - Hold that end. Hold it tight, OK?
You, Daddy! You!
Your mum is a dirty vixen!
It's no good. I can't wait any longer. I'm bursting.
Hold it in. Do the breathing.
No, is no good. Is coming.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Thank God.
Whoops.
Mum. We didn't hear you come home.
This is Vlad.
Plumber.
Just popped in to fix the toilet.
I didn't know it was broken.
It's not any more. He's a very good plumber.
- Do you want me to show you out? - Yes.
- OK, it's just this way. - Thank you.
Dad, Vlad. Vlad, Dad.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Love Storm.
The Love Storm!
Joe, wrong one.
No, it's not that. That is...
That's the second-best film ever made.
That's two minutes of teacher-pleasing magic.
But this, this is, without doubt, the most intelligent, moving,
and downright-horny little adult film that Lila has ever seen.
That's saying something, because she's a dirty little monkey.
So, here's to you guys, the wonderful cast and crew of The Love Storm.
- Thanks, everybody. - The Love Storm!
The Love Storm.
- Candy, I want to tell you that I... - I know.
Greetings, fellow pornographers. We having a party, are we? Very nice.
- What the hell are you doing here? - It's been a long time.
Honestly, woman, you don't phone, you don't write.
I don't know what's going on here, but...
- What is going on here? - All right, Van Damme, calm down.
What? A new admirer, is it? Yeah, he's very cute.
Can't I have a drink with my leading lady?
Wishful thinking, but my agent already told you.
- I don't work for low-rent pimps like you. - But, sweetheart, you just did.
Joe, what a pickle we've caused with our little deception.
- Joe, what? - You bastard. I trusted you.
I trusted you.
Time of the month, is it?
Lads? Yes? No?
Suit yourselves.
Now...
- Where's my film? - No way. We had a deal, silent partners.
- This is our film. This is Baggy's film. - We've got a contract and it's my film.
There you go. Take it.
Baggy, what?
It's over, Joe. Forget it. This is all bullshit.
- Good luck with the screening. - But...
Trouble in paradise?
You know what, Joe?
You remind me of me when I was your age.
Except I didn't make so many cock-ups and I was a little better-looking.
And I wasn't such a twat.
Is yours on soon?
- Where's Baggy? - I don't know. I haven't seen him.
Yeah, big up Diego Meriachi. Where are you, buddy?
There he is. Respect is due, brother. Radical stuff.
OK, next up, and a highly-anticipated collaboration.
John Bagley and Joe Clarke.
This one has been shrouded in mystery,
so I guess we're looking at a world premiere, here, folks.
What do you say we kick back and enjoy Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.
- Baggy! - Joe, I had to come and speak to you.
No, I know. It's been tough. Doug, Candy, Lila, it's my fault.
I switched the films. I had to see it on a big screen.
- What? - Yeah.
That looks like our house.
It is our house! Joe didn't tell us he was using...
Hello. Can I help you?
I need someone to please undo these. Please let me in.
The sound isn't very good, but picture quality is better than I expected.
I think you're going to be impressed, Mr De Vere.
It's different from our usual product.
It's got heart. It's got soul.
It's got a pile of hard-earned cash resting on it, so shut up and put it on.
You're a dead man.
Maybe this'll help.
Bend over.
- Oi! Where's my porno? - Doug.
No way!
- Holy shit! - Will you shut up?
- Not bad. - You're not wrong there, Robby.
What was she doing with that pear?
- Joe, Joe, congratulations. What a premiere! - Joe, could we have a word?
- Joe, what... - Good, Mr Clarke, a quick chat.
Mr Dulberg, I think we need to talk.
Excuse me. I'd like a word with Joe's...
- Teacher. - Dad.
- I'm Joe's teacher. - I'm Joe's dad.
- This is Joe's dad. - This is Joe's teacher.
- Mr Clarke? - Mr Dulberg?
Who is this man?
Listen, I am telling you, I am Joe's father.
I did come here with the express purpose of killing you,
but, seeing as you produced a work of such outstanding quality,
and I'll probably have to stand in line for the privilege, I'm going to leave you to it.
But Mr Dulberg came to my house.
Rewind. I've never been to your house in my life.
Right.
- How dare you use our house... - You think you're pretty clever.
- She's talking about Florida. - Stephen.
You, the pair of you, can forget about your diplomas.
You can forget about coming back to class. That...
That was totally uncool, guys.
It's good. It's really very good.
And you made this yourself? You're a dark horse, Douglas.
I think we might be in the running for a Golden Cockerel.
A Cock? What, for me?
I mean, for us?
And the winners are...
Michael De Vere and Douglas Perry.
You keep this up, Doug, and I might actually start to like you.
It's my best work.
- You made a great film. - For a bunch of gangsters.
You humiliated me. I've lost Candy. I got thrown out of college.
Bags, who cares about college? We made a movie!
You don't know how lucky you are.
You were born with talent. I'd kill for an ounce of it.
Listen, Baggy, I've been thinking.
We should start a new film.
I'll get the money, from a safe place this time.
- We'll call up Candy and... - Stop, Joe. Just stop. Please.
Look at me. I'm John Bagley from Leatherhead.
We had an excellent adventure,
more than some people have in a whole lifetime, but it wasn't real.
- I'm not talented. They hated it. - They didn't hate it.
- Leave me alone. - They were shocked,
because it was a dirty movie. But it was a great dirty movie!
You got it right! Bags!
She would not sink with those, huh?
Wow!
- It's The Love Storm! - The Love Storm!
We'd better tell Joe.
- Go and tell Joe. - Quick.
We too would like to speak with Joe, please. Now.
- I'm sorry? - The bad man want Joe's Cock.
What did you say?
The bad man, OK, he want
Joe's, Joe's Cock.
No. No, no, no. You saying it wrong.
Let me explain it, please.
Your son, Joe,
all his life, he dream of Cock.
He talk about it all of the time.
- "Cock, Cock, Cock. I want Cock." - "I have to have Cock all to myself."
But the bad man, he want Joe's Cock.
And he is taking Joe's Cock tonight.
Joe! Come here!
His mother and I, we've always had a bad feeling about all this.
- What's going on? - For you.
Best film nomination: The Love Storm.
Directed by Doug Perry. Produced by Michael De Vere.
- He's a bastard. - More of this stuff, Joe? Why?
Look, Dad, listen, it's fine. I'll bin it. Don't worry.
No. Hold on, hold on. I mean, much as I keenly disapprove of what you did,
I have to admit that your film did have a certain...
Yeah, it did, didn't it?
Now, you know I'm not a fan of this kind of thing,
but it seems to me, you have to get up to London and reclaim your film.
Here. Take the Mondeo.
Guys, I'm going to need you. OK?
Thank you.
Lila, I really need your help.
Do you know what? Forget that. Baggy needs your help.
- I've told you already. I'm not interested. - He say that you would said this.
And he said he have a special message for you that it is all set and he have this big plan.
Yeah, yeah. I love his big plans.
Love his big plans.
We can have the Cock. Mr Baggy!
- Baggy! - Baggy!
It's great to see you. All right? We'll speak soon. Personally, I love the jacket.
Amazing.
- Hi, Joe. - You look fantastic.
Where's Baggy? Why isn't he here yet?
- Joe! Joe! - Lila.
Lila!
He not make it.
I'm sorry, Lila, but we fail.
Baggy, he say, no.
He not want Joe's Cock.
You don't understand, Vlad. This is for him. We're here for him.
It's my fault, all of this.
I'm going to make it right.
Right now.
Candy! Candy! Candy!
- Hey. - What do you want?
- Leave me alone. - Please, hear me out.
I'm sorry for what happened. I shouldn't have lied to you.
Well, if you're here to pick up an award, you're out of luck.
Looks like you got screwed, too.
I don't care about the awards, Candy. I'm here because of Baggy.
I had to let you know. He didn't know anything about Doug Perry.
I lied to him too. I'm not asking you to forgive me, but you have to forgive him.
Look, I was an idiot for getting involved with you guys in the first place.
You're just kids. We're from different worlds.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Fifteenth annual Golden Cockerel Awards.
The ultimate recognition of achievement in adult-oriented entertainment.
So, please take your seats and I'd watch where you sit,
as we honour this year's outstanding individuals.
So, saw The Love Storm. Got to say, I loved it, very impressed.
Watched it beginning to end. I'm a little sore.
Yeah, well, it's a porno. It's not proper filmmaking.
You made a great film. What's wrong with getting your start in erotica?
My customers think it's a masterpiece.
I'm serious. They love it. Can't get enough.
The story, the characters, the classic denouement
and there are some very good dirty bits.
You know what they say, sex is only dirty if you're doing it right.
Presenting our Best Film Award this evening,
please welcome on stage the divine, the delightful,
the delicious Miss Candy Fiveways!
Thank you, everyone, and thank you for coming.
It's an honour to be here with you tonight.
The nominees for best film are:
We All Know Who You Did Last Summer.
There's Something Up Mary.
Ram Raiders Of The Lost Park.
And...
The Love Storm.
Yes.
Yes!
And the winner is...
- The Love Storm. - Yes!
Yes!
Produced by Joe Clarke and directed by John Bagley.
Congratulations to the real team behind The Love Storm!
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
This is a...
This is a fantastic award.
It's a really...
It's a really chunky prize.
But...
It belongs to someone who can't be with us tonight, unfortunately.
But, nevertheless, this stands as real, concrete,
undeniable proof of the talent behind the camera.
And that's a guy...
And that's a guy called John Bagley.
Please, you're embarrassing me.
Sorry I couldn't be here in person to accept this award, but, thank you.
Making this film has been an unbelievable experience.
I've learnt so much. I've seen some amazing things.
One horrific thing, but I won't go into that now.
Thank goodness for Wet Wipes. That's all I'm going to say.
I'd like to thank the cast and crew and most of all, my best mate, Joe Clarke,
for making me do shit I don't want to do.
God bless erotica!
Go, guitar, go!
Come on, now!