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[whispering] Thanks.
♪organ plays wedding music♪
You may kiss the bride.
[man] Take it on vacations,
-family parties... -Whoa.
[woman] Is it on?
-Can you see me? -Huh?
-How do I look? -[laughs]
[Ralph] Mom, you look great.
What's so funny?
[Ralph] Nothing.
[man] Hey, careful, Ralphie.
That's not a toy.
-I paid a lot of money for that. -Yeah, I know, I kn--
[man] Ralph.
Did you put a tape in that?
-Yeah. -Which tape?
[Ralph] I found one underneath the entertainment center.
Was it blank?
[Ralph] I- I think s--
[applause and wedding music]
Hello and Merry Christmas.
Operation Just Cause enters its fifth day--
[man] It says here...
we can record straight from the TV.
-Hey, Ralphie. -Huh?
Grab this cord
and plug into the back of the camera.
-Uh, right here? -Yup.
There you go.
...troops have been playing music at loud volumes
outside the embassy, in an attempt
to force Noriega to surrender.
The opera-loving dictator has been forced to listen--
[VO] 10 of the same!
♪jaunty music♪
[horses neighing and country music]
What's wrong here, partner?
Kindly the Cowboy, I got this big ol' problem.
Hm?
This bully at school keeps fighting--
...Black Sabbath, and songs chosen for their ironic titles,
-such as "No More--" -Pretty cool, huh, Ralphie?
You can record all your favorite shows.
-[chortles] -Stop it!
[cheering]
[Ralph] Hi there, my name--
my name is Ralph, and I just got this camera.
It can zoom in...
it can zoom out,
in, out.
It can zoom out, in, out, in, out.
[whispering] Toothbrush.
[man and woman talking indistinctly in background]
Hi, grandma.
So I'm gonna prank my mom with this.
[fart noise]
Sh-sh-shh, [whispering] be cool, be cool.
[fart noise]
-[laughter] -Got you!
[woman] Ralphie!
Are you filming this?
Cool.
-[snickers] -Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Go outside and play.
-It's a beautiful morning. -Aww...
You shouldn't be filming everyth--
I could get hurt.
This thing is huge.
[Ralph] Just light it and run away!
That's what adults do.
I can't.
[Ralph] Ugh.
Oh, come on.
[Josh] [whispering] Okay.
'Kay, I'm gonna do it.
Are you recording?
[Josh] I don't think so.
What button do I press?
You press the button-- the-- the red one.
[Josh] Oh, cool.
That was amazing!
Meteor!
-Yeah! -Yeah, that was killer, man.
-Ow, mother-- ! -Don't touch it!
[Ralph] Arg!
All right, so this is my best friend Josh,
and we're super best pals.
Want to say hi, Josh?
[fart noise]
[Ralph] Classic Josh.
-[sneezes] -Bless you.
-[sneezes] -Bless you again.
Thanks.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling me you can wa-- you can record
late-night TV with this stuff
and watch it in your room later?
That's so cool.
♪soft music playing from TV♪
[Ralph] All you have to do is just plug--
♪soft music♪
And welcome back to 'Painting with Joan.'
We're just having a lot of fun today on our canvases today.
Our experiences and our imagination
are working together
to create something really inspiring.
I'm glad you're here.
So why don't we go ahead and cheer up these mountains?
What do you say?
So we're gonna want to take our palettes
and find a lively, earthy brown.
Mix them all together.
I just love mixing.
Do you?
♪♪♪
Now, we're gonna grab our two-inch brush.
If you don't have one, one-and-a-half is fine.
-And we're just gonna-- -Cheryl, nine years ago,
you stole my heart.
Seven years ago, you made me single again.
You broke my heart.
-Oh, well... -I'm in love again
and I'm in love with this.
What-- what are we talking--
what is-- what can I do with this pen?
[Cheryl] Oh, you can do--
...budget for the Department of Defense--
Gina, thank you so much for bringing this beautiful--
'Night, honey!
I'll only be a few minutes.
Goodnight, Mom.
Don't be gone long.
I have a bad feeling.
♪suspenseful music♪
Time to steal.
Shoot!
They got Umbrose Security Systems!
[VO] You think you're safe?
You're not.
♪♪♪
Hey, little girl.
[screams]
♪dramatic music♪
Milton and 5th, code red.
I'm Mr. Nightmare.
Freeze!
Umbrose Security!
You guys got here fast!
[gunshots]
Thanks, Umbrose Security.
I'll sleep easy tonight.
[ding]
[sighs]
Got him.
I'm having a lot of fun.
Now, we're gonna grab a little frost white,
give our mountains a little hat.
Snow!
And we're just gonna go in and give little strokes,
just kiss the canvas.
Not with your mouth.
Don't ever kiss the canvas with your mouth.
These paints are toxic.
Kiss it with your brush.
Beautiful.
And there you go.
Beautiful mountain.
Now, let's get back to the spaceship.
You can see, obviously by the design,
that it's from the Zenin galaxy.
They're a peaceful and prosperous civilization
who've had the benefit of female leadership
for the last 5,000 years.
When I see these beauties go by in the sky
and I say, "Hey, you!"...
they never stop.
Now, let's get back to the main subject
of our painting: Dennis Rodman.
Remember, every brushstroke is a sentence in a story,
and in this story, I'm dunking on Dennis
harder than I've dunked on anyone in the 23 years
that I've been alive.
I'm grabbing onto his beautiful green hair,
his sweaty neck sliding in-between
my dark, green courduroys.
We smash the board with our ecstasy.
There's moisture.
Some of it isn't sweat.
So, we're just gonna take our brush,
and we're gonna soften the edges.
Downward strokes.
Just like that.
Very careful, it's a tricky area.
...to kind of balance the-- the muzzle of the gun
while they shot skeet.
[man] ...all can be yours, 79.95!
I know you-- you're thinking "Hey, that feels like a lot,"
but also, this is the pen that I'm gonna give
to my son, and my son's gonna give to his son,
and on and on and on.
I don't wanna get choked up right now,
but I-- I just might.
I just might get choked up about this.
-[laughs] -We're k--
we don't have children.
-We-- -But--
[VO] When a kooky geneticist lost his only son, Zach...
♪jaunty music♪
he broke the laws of nature to bring him back.
♪♪♪
He cloned him!
But someone got carried away.
Now, there's...
10 of the same!
♪♪♪
Three are just a little different.
♪♪♪
[applause]
New Zach 3...
What's up, Pops?
Did you leave...this shirt on the front lawn?
-[laughter] -Dad...
New Zach 2 is messing with you.
-I'm New Zach 3. -[laughter]
Did you leave this shirt on the front lawn?
Dad...
New Zach 7 is messing with you.
I'm actually New Zach 3.
-[laughter] -Duh!
[laughter]
[whimpering] Did you leave this shirt on the front lawn?
That's not one of mine.
I think it's one of New Zach's.
[all] Which one?
[laughter]
And I thought being a scientist was hard.
I should've cloned a bigger house.
Dad, can I have some money to go shopping
at the mall?
[scoffs] And a bigger wallet.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
...as the Peace Dividend, a surplus of Treasury--
And because King Corperation is the only
potato manufacturer in the realm--
-...funding-- -..some red dying in there.
That staining, um, actually is blood.
This was a receptacle for hearts.
They would put the heart inside of here
when they would try to revive a person
by, uh, giving them a heart transplant.
Of course, this never worked.
It was always a last-ditch effort.
They originally used coffee tins
and the hearts were, you know, dying and--
and everyone would die during these procedures.
And so they thought, "Maybe let's go
a little more ornate.
Maybe if it was a ornate bowl,
the heart would, you know, have a little more
energy to it."
We know that not to be the case,
and they soon found out too,
because everyone died, um, on the operating table.
They did have one more version of--
-It's really fantastic. -It really is.
It could do anything.
It's unbelie-- well, it can do--
it can do literally anything that a pen can do.
-Yes, yes, it can. -That's fantastic.
-That's true. -And the weight, again,
-is magnificent. -Yeah.
And on the other side, it commemorates
some of the great, great figures
of the Confederacy, but, uh,
you don't have to use that side if you don't want to.
-No-- -This one probably had
100 to 200, uh, Victorian-era, uh,
hearts of dead people in it.
So back in those days, they was trying heart plants--
-transplants? -They-- they did.
Uh, um, they were very naive about medical,
um...
I'm actually...
Oh, do you kn-- do--
I think this is a bowl.
Yeah, I- I do-- I think it is a bowl.
Um, sorry.
♪cheerful music♪
-...buy and sell-- -Start your life--
♪classical music♪
♪hard rock music♪
♪Ass fuck!♪
♪Fuck you!♪
♪Fuck her!♪
♪Fuck the government!♪
♪harsh feedback♪
[applause]
Fuck yes!
Language
-[applause] -[woman] Wow.
-Whoa! -Wow, that was interesting.
All these-- all these instruments here,
they're all being played at the same time?
Dad, please, don't embarrass me.
I don't-- I don't know--
I don't know how you remember all those lyrics.
-I was actually gonna say that. -It's amazing!
Um, uh, uh, uh, Jim,
we already met you from the Phlegmbats, uh,
but we have yet to meet the other two.
Uh, maybe you guys would like to perhaps, uh,
introduce yourselves.
Peter V.
And-- and you are?
Paco.
Cool, uh, you heard it here first!
Their song, "Ass Fuck 666,"
off their new sophomore album on cassette,
The Phlegmbats' self-titled, uh, Phle-- The Phlegmbats.
You could get that just about anywhere
that they sell, uh, cassette tapes, so, yeah.
[woman] H- How do you, uh, boys--
h- how-- I'm sorry. [laughs]
How do you boys come up with your lyrics?
Her forthcoming novel, VHS Comatose,
explores the compulsive pathology
of an entire generation
of home video camera owners.
Rita Sternwick, thank you for joining us.
It's my pleasure, Todd.
And you make the case that excessive filming and recording
may lead to isolation, lack of sexual desire,
headaches and, in rare instances,
-a complete psychotic break. -Mm-hm.
[laughs] Now, I understand that hyperbolic statements
sell books, but don't you think this fear
-is a tad bit overblown? -I don't.
I've been studying VHS culture for years.
It's become my life's work.
I've found
that most VHS owners are exhibiting a condition
that psychiatric professionals are calling
-"tape narcissism." -"Tape narcissism?"
Yes, it's a pattern of collecting and recording
your experiences on VHS
that eventually alters the foundation of your reality.
So you're telling me by bringing a camera
to my son's baseball game, it will, um...
-alter my reality? -Yes.
At first, your perceived reality,
then reality itself.
[laughs]
I believe the home VHS camcorder
is the beginning of something very frightening.
One day, we all could have mini VHS cameras
in our pockets.
Or built into the very fabric of our t-shirts.
One day, the real world will exist to be filmed.
People will die filming themselves falling off cliffs.
The birthrate will seemingly increase
and then collapse completely.
Nations will elect celebrities into political office.
-[scoffs] -The whole world will go hungry
as farmers ignore their crops
while they're filming their cows.
I believe
this is the beginning of the fall of mankind.
Mankind?
♪dramatic music♪
[VO] Up next--
[Ralph breathing heavily and whimpering]
[door shuts]
[man shouting in another room] Every time we go out,
you have a problem!
[woman in another room] This is [inaudible] happen to me.
[man] Do you know what you are?
You are a--
[inaudible] with me!
-You are an absolute--! -♪cheerful wedding music♪
-Say cheese! -Cheese!
-[laughs] -One more time, big smile!
Here we go!
♪♪♪
Hey, I'm Ralph and I'm about to make
the best video mixtape ever!
♪"Ass Fuck 666" by The Phlegmbats♪
♪Drink beer, drink my piss♪ ♪Fuck you♪
♪Ass fuck♪
-♪Ass fuck♪ -[singing] Ass fuck!
♪Ass fuck♪
-♪Ass fuck♪ -Ralphie!
Turn...down...the mu-- !
[birds chirping]
[Ralph] The death of a watermelon.
Whoo!
[laughs]
This is the greatest fight in the history of fights.
Roar, I'm a brontosaurus!
I've been extinct for...
many years, and you cannot kill me!
You forgot about me.
I'm your cousin, brontonaurus!
Whoa!
What?
Bahh!
No more!
[chanting] No more dinosaurs!
No more dinosaurs!
You forgot about me,
-the ju-- -[knocking] Ralph.
-Yeah? -What's goin' on, buddy?
I'm just playing with my toys.
All right, well, your mom and I are gonna head out.
[Ralph] Okay.
[man] There's some pizza in the fridge.
If you get hungry, you can warm it up in the new microwave.
-Okay. -All right, bedtime's 11.
I know.
[woman] No late-night TV, Ralph.
Okay.
Josh in the house!
Oh, wait.
Now I'm in the house.
[man on TV] ...San Fernando Valley in the year 1982.
'Hot Winter' was one of the first films in American cinema
to address one of today's most important issues:
global warming.
Some of the scenes in tonight's film are intense
and suggestive in nature.
These scenes have been shortened or edited
from the film.
We are proud to present to you the 1982 classic,
one of my favorite films, 'Hot Winter,'
a film by Dick Pierre.
♪piano music♪
♪funky music♪
[woman] I can't believe you're the world's
leading climate scientist
and a successful bodybuilder.
Dr. Manly,
is there anything you can't do?
I think I just cured the common cold in an equation.
Who's done that?
All of this,
and without breaking a sweat?
And it's so hot today.
I'm sweating.
It is...
very hot.
And it's winter.
It's winter...
and it's hot.
It's a...
hot winter.
A hot winter?
That's so strange.
Aren't winters supposed to be cold?
Maybe I should...
take this off.
♪porny music♪
♪piano music♪
I also read an article just yesterday
by award-winning novelist Dr. Manly and it said
that this warmer winter will eventually lead
to the melting of the Arctic ice caps and then,
we're in trouble, big trouble,
and he's calling it...
-"global warming." -[gasps]
Ms. Frost, this sounds serious.
[woman] What about the polar bears who live there?
If the ice caps melt, will they die?
We don't need polar bears!
We certainly don't need Dr. Manly's opinions.
At Oil Corp, we have our own scientists who will say and do
whatever we want.
Scientists!
[clears throat]
Hello.
Do you have a question about...
science?
You are cute.
I've never met a scientist before.
My friends are scientists as well.
♪porny music♪
I'm a scientist.
[breathing heavily] I'm a scientist.
Scientists, show the intern your data.
Because of an increased global temperature,
water supplies will become scarce
and endanger human beings.
Wow, sounds scary!
We also probably need to save water in case
we need to fight forest fires!
[knocking]
Who's that knocking at the door?
Oh, that's Rico.
-He's hot. -[laughs]
Let's have a threesome!
-Hey, Rico. -Hey, girls.
Wood delivery for ya.
-Thanks, Rico. -Thanks.
Yeah.
H- Hey ladies,
what are you doing here right now,
it being such a hot winter?
There's more chances of a forest fire in a hot winter
than if it was a cold winter.
How's football season, Rico?
Football season's well.
I scored seven touchdowns yesterday.
-Wow, that's a lot. -Yeah.
And I also hurt my elbow, though.
-Oh no! -That looks bad!
[Rico] I know.
The doctor said they might have to...
-amputate my elbow. -[gasps]
[Rico] Aw, thanks, girls.
Feels much better now.
That's...
hot.
-I like that. -Where else does it hurt, Rico?
We'll be right back.
♪piano music♪
I'm having a really good time.
This is so much fun.
Despite the protests, the museum went ahead with the opening
of photographer Robert Mapplethorpe's
"The Perfect Moment."
-Yah! -Don't shoot.
Did you know that 42 people have more wealth
than the poorest 3.7 billion combined?
-What? -Yeah!
Get ready to blast-off...those pounds.
Whoo!
Ha-ha!
Yeah!
Burn!
Yeah! Ha-ha!
-Let's get loose. -Let's go, guys!
Go over to those thermostats
and crank those babies way up.
The room we're filming in right now is 92 degrees!
Remember, the hotter the room,
the bigger the blast-off.
Those pounds will fall right off.
♪energetic music♪
[VO] Introducing the Soundwall 2000.
Simply bring the Soundwall 2000 into the bathroom with you.
-♪jazzy music♪ -[urinating sounds]
[birds chirping]
[VO] No more stressful trips to the bathroom,
no more wondering if she heard you pee on the floor.
And let the romance begin.
♪♪♪
Wow, what a kiss.
-Thanks-- -♪dramatic music♪
You know the guy we found murdered on 3rd Avenue?
This is the last will and testament
of Sir Roger Handley V.
[man] He left his last will and testament.
He also outlined how he would get his revenge.
A series of events that, with your help,
will avenge my terrible death
and bring this cretinous fool to justice.
-[laughs] -We're getting close.
-I can feel it. -However,
if I was not murdered by Lady Margaret and Count Giovanni
and you know this as fact,
please fast-forward past my elaborate plan for revenge
to the section where I am holding up
this red piece of paper.
Please, understand-- [fast-forwarded speech]
♪dramatic music♪
We're getting close.
I can taste it!
[fast-forwarded speech]
This Handley was quite the character.
[fast-forwarded maniacal laughing]
We're getting close.
We're getting really close.
It's a chair.
I mean, I- I don't know quite what you want me to say.
It's not even that old.
And these are magnificent.
Take a look at these baggies right here.
-I'm lookin' at 'em. -Now, that is a 100% polythene.
-Wow. -It's made in Taiwan.
-No! -Wow, the Republic of Taiwan.
-Yes. -And, it features this open
-and reseal tech-- -Oh, wow!
[Tony] That you've been hearing so much about.
Look at that.
-Tell me, Tony. -Mm-hm?
[Cheryl] What kinds of things can you put
in these little baggies anyway?
[Tony] Oh my gosh, absolutely anything.
For example, I'm talking about, uh, tiny little screws.
Earrings.
-Yes. -You know what is one thing
that I like to put in them, Cheryl?
Tell me.
-Sugar. -Oh.
I like to put sugar in 'em.
I ge-- I get my morning cup o' Joe--
-Yes, he does. -And I want just the exact
amount of sugar--
...privatize prisons in America.
Some believe that by owning a prison,
a company might have more incentive
to give money to politicians
who favor stricter laws to increase--
Whoo!
Hey!
-All right! -Hah!
Kickin' it!
Feelin' it!
Whoo! Whoo!
Activate that whole body!
♪energetic music♪
Again!
Right, left, right, hah!
Blastin' off!
Whoo!
-You got it! -Ha-ha, you got it!
Kick!
That's it!
♪♪♪
[gags and heaves]
[beep tone]
[Tony] ...a family of zebras over here.
-Oh that's-- -[neighs]
-That's amazing. -[laughs] Do they neigh?
[Tony] And then, um, [alien voice] take me to your leaders.
-Oh. [laughs] -And then, uh, I've got
kids on the-- kids on the playground,
-having a time. -Yes.
The coating system alone, who figured this out?
I-- I couldn't-- I couldn't have thought of this.
-I c-- you do-- -You've known me
-for a long time. -You've never thought
-of anything. -[laughs]
♪dark soft music♪
I was the MC that night.
-Hello, everyone! -I introduced the girls and...
told some jokes.
♪♪♪
Sisters were supposed to show of their talents, so...
First up...we have...
[sing-song voice] Laura!
Now, get on up here!
-[giggles] -[applause]
♪♪♪
My talent was to play the piano,
so I played the piano.
♪♪♪
It was all just really supposed to be fun.
[VO] It was all supposed to be fun
at the Beta Z semi-formal.
Girls were drinking, getting to know each other,
until Rachel Drexler, a sophomore from Tennessee,
got up to do her talent.
[Laura] I didn't really know Rachel.
At first, she seemed like a really nice girl.
But the more you talked to her,
the more you felt like "Whoa, something's weird here."
[evil laughter]
♪jazzy music♪
Ow!
[VO] Are pesky back pains ruining your life?
Guess I can't organize my husband's birthday party.
Shoot!
[VO] Are you missing important calls
because of your elbow pain?
Ow!
Oh no,
that was the President!
-Hey, Ricky. -Hey!
Ah!
[VO] Are sudden knee pains making you
clinically depressed?
Ow!
Uh oh, that's no fun.
Why don't you try Flexi Cream?
[VO] [echoing] Flexi Cream!
Thanks, Tracy Beth.
[VO] For only 14.99, obtain freakish flexibility
you've only dreamed of.
Just apply a quick layer of Flexi Cream
in a circular motion on your elbows or hurt area.
And...voila!
Flexibility you have to see to believe.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Thanks, Flexi Cream.
Mr. President, about those wars.
♪♪♪
I recommend the following.
You might wanna come closer to your TV,
turn down the volume,
pull out your Hank Frankston scratch pad,
and write these bad boys down.
[drum roll]
Betamax--
...is really just for super serious bakers.
Let me tell you now about the deluxe packaging solution.
-Yes. -Okay, Cheryl, so
this is really for your serious bakers only.
Now, take a look.
Have you ever seen packaging like this?
[Cheryl] No, I have not.
[Tony] And it's absolutely-- the flour is wrapped in there
nice and tight, it is 100 percent, uh, protected
from the elements, and see this right here?
-Uh-huh. -You've got four pieces.
That's-- that's...
genuine parcel tape.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but can this packaging solution
survive up to 100 feet of water?
Is that correct, Tony?
-Tell me the truth. -Cheryl, and I'm just--
this is just the science, I'm quoting the scientists.
It is Pacific Ocean tested and approved.
[VO] And in just one application, you'll be restored
to the full head of hair you enjoyed as a youth.
Hairs will sprout from your scalp like mushrooms
after a storm.
Fronzly Hair Growth.
You'll get it back.
[rapidly] Side effects may include nausea, growth spurts,
poor decision-making, death, murder, loss of vision,
and illiteracy.
[evil laughter]
And then, at the talent show...
she did something that, to this day...
I don't fully understand.
And last, but certainly not least...
Rachel!
[applause]
And then she comes onstage...
with some weird...
freakin' top hat on, right?
Ho! [laughs]
And then she took out this stick
with a white tip.
Started wavin' it around.
And then this next part, it is so vivid to me,
I remember it like it was yesterday.
And a little...
Hey!
[laughs]
[Paulina] It gives me the chills just thinkin' about it.
People don't do that, people don't have cards...
in their hat.
For my first trick, I'm going to need a volunteer.
Anyone?
[Paulina] Then she said, "I need a volunteer."
[slo-mo voice] A volunteer.
When you're in your 20s, you feel invincible.
-I'll do it. -Paulina!
Yeah!
Let's give her a hand.
Okay, all I'm gonna need you to do is...
pick a card.
And she says "Pick a card."
-Any card? -Any card.
[laughing] And I was like...
"Okay, where's this going?"
Now, show the room.
♪suspenseful music♪
Now, I'm not looking.
And when she told Paulina to do all that stuff...
she turned away.
She didn't look at the cards.
She didn't know what card Paulina had picked.
Great, now put it back in the deck.
♪♪♪
And with a little bit...
of shuffling...
We're like "Where's the talent?
A lot of people can shuffle."
And...
-was this your card? -[gasps]
It's the exact card...
that I had picked out and showed to the audience before.
How did you know what card I picked?
How could she have known?
Have you ever seen a...
[slo-mo voice] magic trick before?
That's when I knew.
When she said that word, "magic."
Are you a witch?
[gasps]
-What? -She's a witch!
They were like, "She's a witch!
She's got the Devil workin' for her!
We should kill her!"
[screaming]
So I stood up.
We can't kill her!
You know, e- even if someone is a witch,
you just can't kill 'em.
You know?
I mean, there's-- there's freakin' laws!
I said, "Somebody fill up the bathtub..."
...and if she sinks, she's not a witch
but if she floats...
"...she's a witch."
I've been thinkin' about this for years
and there's no way she could've seen that card
that Paulina picked.
You just don't shuffle the top.
It's a-- it's a [slo-mo voice] magic trick.
And that's when I knew.
That...
is exactly what a witch would say.
♪eerie music♪
So we set her on fire
and the sorority house burned down with it.
♪dark strings♪
-...genuinely bipolar. -Okay.
Well, I wasn't that before I met you.
-Okay. [laughs] -[laughs] I'm just saying.
That's called "projection."
When you project your problems onto other people,
-it's called "projection." -Well, I don't know.
I'm not a drunk. [laughs]
Yeah, at least I can...
come without thinking about my mom.
-How much are we charging-- -Go fuck yourse--
What is that?
Well, this feller...
got in front of my truck this morning and [laughs] well...
well, when Jesus gives you a lemon,
you gotta skin it and make lemonade.
But first...
you gotta take out the intestines.
Kindly the Cowboy, I think he's still alive.
♪dance music♪
[clock ticking]
[rain pattering]
[pot whistling]
[birds chirping]
[Ralph] Gshhhp.
-Hey, Mom. -Mm-hm?
[Ralph] [laughs] So, um,
-I was watching this show-- -Mm-hm.
[Ralph] And it said that...
that there's a haunted sorority house in our town.
Is-- is that true?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, um...
there was a fire there
-and a girl died. -Geez.
Yeah, it was really terrible.
But don't go there, [distorting] because they say it's haunted.
-Okay. -Yeah, spooky things happen.
[Ralph] Okay, I won't go.
[woman] All right.
♪slow doo-wop music♪
[Ralph] Okay, Josh.
Tell 'em what we're doing tonight.
Well, Ralph and I have this friend in the ninth grade,
Raul Sambid.
He's [inaudible] 'Zombie Alien Hell 4,'
which is the bloodiest film of all time.
[Ralph] And we're gonna film it!
Yes, like everything lately.
You, you're gonna film it.
Me?
I'm gonna enjoy it.
[Ralph] How scary do you think it's gonna be?
What the heck?
[Ralph] What?
[Josh] Ralph, is that your dad?
[Ralph] What the...
You know what, Josh?
-We should go no-- -♪poppy music♪
[crickets chirping]
[Ralph] Hey, Josh?
Yeah?
[Ralph] Do you...
ever want to get married some day?
Uhhh I don't know.
Maybe.
I guess that's what you're supposed to do, right?
-Yeah. -[sighs]
Do you wanna ever get married?
[Ralph] Yeah.
Cool.
[sighs]
Ralph, c'mon!
And we set the girl on fire...
and the sorority house...
Burnt!
Down!
With her!
[Josh] Cool, man.
What do you mean?
[Josh] Like, do you think they can touch you and kill you?
Or just scare you and kill you?
Hm.
Well, I know for a fact that they cannot
touch you and kill you because they're invisible.
-Womp womp. -Yeah, but...
have you ever seen a ghost?
I mean, I've never seen a ghost,
and if we can get a ghost on camera,
we could become famous.
I can already see the headlines in the newspaper now.
"Two boys find a ghost in haunted sorority house."
♪soft music on TV♪
Welcome back to 'Sleeping with Joan.'
We've had a long day of painting, cooking,
and plumbing with Joan, and I think we've earned
a good night's rest.
I'm ready to shut my eyes and quiet my mind
for the next four to 25 hours.
A good night's sleep starts with a good blanket.
Leave your house and go to your local blanket store.
Once inside, touch every single blanket
until you've found the right one.
If the people working at the blanket store
say you're being too touchy and ask you to leave... [puffs]
Just buy the last one you touched.
That'll do.
[rustling]
My favorite thing about my sheets
is how loud they are!
Can ya hear that?!
Almost sounds like they're laughing.
♪♪♪
Once you have your sheets,
it's time to make sure you have all your bedside accoutrements.
Fresh cat's milk, whiskey,
and a cabinet full of lucky bones and hair,
to keep the night terrors away.
Once you're lying down, it helps to close your eyes,
like this.
One, two, three.
I'm counting up.
It helps.
All right.
Now, it's your turn to fall asleep.
I'll wait.
♪As long as I'm here...♪
[VO] 45 soul-crushing anthems
on a special edition two-disc CD.
Being sad has never sounded this good.
Hi.
Look what I got.
[VO] We'll make the Soundwall fit your personality.
He bought her this decorative plate.
Wow, that's-- that's a fun story.
Your look at finance.
[VO] Our appraisers are friendly and honest.
We give the highest--
Used to be a man could walk down the street
with his head held high,
earn an honest wage.
Men used to...
build things.
But then, somewhere along the way,
we were invaded!
By a bunch of Berkeley flag-burnin' commie--
What in tarnation?
♪eerie music♪
[woman] Hello, earthling.
We are three sexy aliens from the Drudru planet.
[man] Aliens?
Wh-- on my little farm?
What are y'all doin' here?
Our planet was suffering from civil war
and our lives were in danger.
We've heard America was built by the hands of immigrants,
that you like to help people in need.
And not to mention, you have the nicest cocks
in the universe.
Well...
I don't know if y'all should be here.
We already got a lot of people here already.
[coughing]
What's goin' on?
What's-- what's goin' on with that alien?
What's wrong with them?
Stardust is not acclimated to your Earth air.
She needs to acclimate.
How do you do that?
We have to have lesbian sex and orgasm multiple times.
♪♪♪
♪piano music♪
I'm surprised, earthling.
It's customary for an Earth male to join in on our lesbian sex.
Oh, no, I- I'm fine.
I just-- I'm actually really glad that she's doin' okay
and that you guys had your lesbian sex.
That was great.
I just, uh, I'm really tired all the time
and I got all my farming equipment that needs to be f--
farmed and I'm really stressed.
[woman] Perhaps we can help.
We are excellent mechanics.
Your farmhouse is over there, right?
We'll go fix your machines.
Oh my God, they fixed my machines.
That was incredible, they really fixed 'em.
My machines are fixed.
We'll be right--
-Time to steal. -Are you paranoid?
Studies show you might be.
If you're not, then there's a good chance you are.
-Story at 11. -So I just thought,
"Just see what Jimmy--
Jimmy the Rat's worth," you know?
Well, I'm happy that you brought him in.
Um, it's a cute name, "Jimmy the Rat."
-Look, he's got-- -He's actually a mouse.
-Sure. -I actually, uh,
personally had one of my own.
Uh, I called mine "Joshy," "Joshy Doll."
[high-pitched] That's a dumb name.
Who calls me "Joshy Doll?"
I'll s-- I'm gonna slap you bald.
Oh, somebody already did!
[laughs]
-Well, I-- -Whoa!
Hey Jimmy the Rat, you're hilarious, man.
Um, like I said, the condition of it is
something to consider, if I may.
Um...
That's interesting, uh, these...
were usually attached to the cloth, but here,
someone has put in some wood nubs--
Check it, check it, check it out.
And then nailed it together, which actually, um...
[whispering] I'm Jimmy the Rat.
Jim-- Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy the Rat--
W- where are you from?
-Me? -Yeah.
Kalamazoo.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Irishtown? -Yeah.
That's interesting.
Um, I say that because my dad--
-Mm-hm. -Um, before he passed,
put wood nubs in just like this
to hold the feet on.
And this kid, kind of a bully kid, Tony, uh, Tony B.,
um, took my doll.
So it's-- it's kind of crazy that you have this doll.
Um, where did you-- where did you purchase it?
I got it at your sleepover, Teddy.
-You're Tony B.? -And I guess I put it in a box.
Yeah.
[laughs] Come on, I'm on TV 18 hours a day.
You know me.
I-- I don't watch--
-I don't even own a TV. -Wow!
The people always say that, it's so funny.
-Yeah. -Fans always love to say,
ah, they know you, and then they're like,
"I never watch anything!"
-But you do. -Well, I know you
-from childhood. -Yeah, yeah.
From being a bully and from stealing my doll.
-Well-- -♪cheerful music♪
♪upbeat rock music♪
♪Rocks♪
♪Rock♪
♪Rocks♪
♪Ro--♪
♪Rocks♪
♪Rock♪
♪cheerful music♪
So how much is it worth?
Well, uh, in the box, the original box,
uh, these dolls usually can go for around $500--
-Uh-huh. -400 to 500.
Because of the disrepair, though--
Uh-huh.
And the-- the, um, poor care that you've given this doll--
-Uh-huh. -I would, uh, assume
that it would go for around 150 to $200.
I'll take 500, Teddy.
Um, again, it doesn't have the box.
Your dead daddy made the feet, I thought.
Maybe you don't care so it doesn't have
that kind of sentimental value to you.
[high-pitched] Aw, no, no, don't drop me back in a mold!
I don't wanna go in a mold!
Take-- take it.
If you're so tough, take-- take it.
650.
-What? -$650.
You said $500.
-It's worth two-- -That was a minute ago.
We're done negotiating.
Now, he's my boyfriend.
[kisses]
Don't you f-- [bleep] kiss him!
Don't-- do it.
Do it, take it.
Take it.
♪cheerful music♪
[VO] Are you a hot-blooded American?
[fast-forwarded laughter]
The answer is just around the cor--
Okay, aliens.
I'm gonna drive you into town, where maybe you can get jobs
as mechanics, 'cause all of our mechanics
went into the big city.
But I have to warn you, the sheriff of the town?
He doesn't like blonde people because
a Swedish person murdered his best friend.
Oh no, how bad!
Not murder!
But, surely he can't think that all Swedish people
with blonde hair are bad.
Don't people with brown hair kill people all the time?
Why aren't they banned?
That's a good question.
That's a good question that we should explore.
[woman] Is that a smoke?
What's that smoke?
Oh no!
The car's breakin' down.
-Aw, God. -Oh no!
What's that smoke?
There's smoke comin' out of the hood.
What's goin' on with this car?
Look!
An Earth mechanic shop!
♪country guitar♪
-Hey, sir. -Hey.
Could we get some greasy oil for this car?
What seems to be the problem?
I fixed your car.
All right, what's goin' on here?
Do y'all have a work permit to work?
Sheriff Cocker, wait.
These girls immigrated from outer space.
They can all do the jobs regular Americans don't wanna do
or can't do.
Wait a second.
Are you all sexy illegal Swedish aliens from space?
Huh!
That's it.
Everyone's goin' to jail!
♪country guitar♪
We need the key, which...
we don't have a key.
Fara, you're forgetting.
Our mouths can shape a key out of any long...
hard...
object.
That's a power we have.
And we just need a long, hard object
to make a key with with our mouths.
Oh...gross, girls...
I-- [sighs] I'm a married man who loves my wife.
I've loved her since the moment I saw her
at our high school dance.
She was wearing a beautiful summer dress
and she had flowers on it.
And she smelled like plums and...
sometimes in life, things change and y-- [sighs]
you can't always be attracted to the partner that you are with.
We did it.
Let's get outta here.
♪triumphant music♪
But I love me some KC and the Sunshine Band.
I know Natalie 'cause, uh, she work--
uh, I work at the video store and she comes by and...
uh, [laughs] rents some videos, so that how I, uh...
So, uh...
what's up?
Well-- well...
[laughs]
Um, today is a very interesting day.
Um, Venus is making its inferior conjunction with Planet Earth.
Oh, uh, really?
Is this Natalie?
The Natalie?
Uh, my mom, uh, just takes random pictures
of people in my show
-so don't pay attention. -Well, she's not random, honey.
[man] Grace, you're embarrassing our little girl.
Hey, why don't I, uh, play a song?
I mean, your parents are obviously
-making you uncomfortable. -Okay, she's gonna play a song.
♪"Generation Why" by Weyes Blood♪
♪Goin' to see the end of days♪
♪I've been hangin' on my phone all day♪
♪When the fear goes away♪
♪I might not need to stay♪
♪On this sinking ship♪
♪For long♪
♪I can give it away everyday♪
♪I can fly♪
♪And spend all my seconds♪
♪Like they're my last♪
♪It's not the past♪
♪That scares me♪
♪Now, what a great future this is gonna be♪
♪Y-O-L-O♪
♪Why?♪
♪Y-O-L-O♪
♪Why?♪
♪Used to think it was bad♪
♪That we were all going mad♪
♪But now it's time to leave♪
♪Goodbye those old things♪
♪Carry me through the waves of change♪
♪I know my place♪
♪It's a beautiful thing♪
♪Now♪
♪♪♪
♪Y-O--♪
[Ralph] Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!
No, no, no!
[whispering] Aw, crap!
♪slow jazzy music♪
-...for the camera? -I just did it!
It's over!
-The moment's gone. -Aw, man.
[laughs]
But we should go soon.
Uh, are you coming with us?
[man] No.
I'm going to the movies.
All right.
-You ready? -Mm-hm.
'Kay.
[crickets chirping]
You getting some good stuff?
-Uh-huh. -Mm-hm.
Gimme that thing.
-Huh? -The camera.
[grunts]
♪chords on keyboard♪
[knocking]
-Ralphie! -Y- yeah?
[man] Sounds great, buddy.
-Thank you. -You've been practicin'.
Uh, just-- just a song I made.
[woman] You made it up?
-Yeah. -Cool.
Well, we're gonna go.
-Okay. -Okay?
[man] Keep workin' on it, bud.
-I will. -You all right?
-Yeah. -Okay.
-We'll see ya later. -Bye.
♪slow jazzy music♪
Okay, so if you find this video,
-we're-- -We are probably dead.
-Yes. -We're going to
-a sorority house-- -That's haunted!
Probably haunted.
But I just hope we don't die.
[distoring] Yeah, like I said, if you're watching this,
we're dead.
[footsteps and rustling]
This day has been the most--
[door creaks]
[Ralph] [whispering] Spooky.
[Josh] This is so creepy.
[muttering] No, no, no, no, no.
[Josh] [stifled sneeze]
[Ralph] [whispering] Bless you.
Ugh, I don't like it here.
This room is creepy.
[Josh] Yeah.
[Ralph] Hey, tell the-- tell the people where we are.
[Josh] Looks like...
Beta Z.
[Ralph] [groans]
This is the piano that that girl played in the talent show,
right before they burned that other one
to the stake on the lawn.
That's why this house looks so burnt.
Like, how creepy would it be
if you were sleeping in your bed,
in the middle of the night,
and you heard this...
♪plinks on piano♪
It's creepy, right?
-Yeh, let's-- let's-- -♪♪♪
[Ralph] Dude, stop!
You're creeping me out.
♪plinks on piano♪
What was that?
[screaming]
[panting]
[screaming]
[panting]
-[whispering] Oh, my God. -Ralph, where are you?!
[Ralph] I'm right here!
-[panting] -Ralph, this way!
-[panting] -Ralph, run!
[panting]
[Josh, distorted] [echoing] Ralph!
♪eerie music♪
[Josh, muffled] Ralph!
♪♪♪
[Josh] What are you doing?!
Come on!
-Let's go! -No!
-Ralph! -I think...
I have to plug it in.
[static]
[wooshing]
[unintelligible distorted speech]
[Ralph] What's that music?
-What is this place? -A friend of your wife's.
What was her name, Claire--
Shut up!
She's gonna see this!
David...
[Ralph] Dad?
-Excuse me? -What are you doing here?
It's my wedding.
I gotta go.
[sounds blending and distorting]
[Ralph] Lou?
Are you a hot-blooded American?
Do you like [distorted] bloody-hot meats?
[Ralph] No, I'm-- I'm good.
-Hey, Ralph. -Hey, Ralph.
Sonny!
Sonny, over here!
-Are you lost? -What?
Who are you with, huh?
Who are you with?
[voice distorting] Are you with us or against us?
-Just 'cause [inaudible]-- -Rita?
-Hi, Ralph. -What's going on?
What's up?
I got wood delivery.
[Ralph] Mom!
-Dad! -Every time we go out,
-you have a problem! -Hey!
Are you a hot-blooded American?
Do you like bloody-hot meats?
-[laughs] -Mom!
What about the human spirit?
And we have some breaking news.
[voice distorting] We are living in a simulation.
Let's go live.
Thank you all for coming.
I've been asked to speak at many weddings,
probably more times than I've been married myself.
[laughter]
[clears throat] [inaudible], you know me.
[laughs] [hacks]
[hacks] [gurgles]
God!
I-- I've been poisoned!
You!
Joan!
You have betrayed me!
Welcome back to Poisoning with Joan.
She's a witch!
[laughs] [shouting]
Run!
♪slow country music♪
-[panting] -Ralphie?
Did you hear that?
[Ralph] Let's go check it out.
[Josh] Don't go, don't go.
[Ralph] Why?
♪♪♪
-Mom? -Hey, Ralphie.
You know you're recording over our wedding tape.
Did you know he was late?
How can you be late for your own wedding?
If anyone's gonna be late, it should be me.
It was a disaster anyway.
Your uncle punched your grandfather in the face,
and my best friend had an allergic reaction
and almost died.
And your dad didn't help with any of it.
[Ralph] Why'd you marry him?
That's a personal question.
[Ralph] It's just...
maybe you'll forget or never tell me.
And...
I would like to know while we have a fresh start.
♪♪♪
[woman] Before your father got there, I remember...
I walked outside of the church
and there was this beautiful orange tree.
And I remember there was a breeze and...
the smell was amazing.
And in that moment, I forgot about everything.
I didn't care that your dad was late
or that my shoes were too tight
or that my sister was already drunk.
All I wanted was for him to be there to share it with me.
♪♪♪
He would've made it better.
And that's what I remember from my wedding.
It's the only important part of that day.
Not the tape.
This video, this recording...
it's just a smudge on magnetic strip.
[voice distorting] Go home, Ralph.
[static]
[Josh] Run, run, run!
[screaming]
I think we're onto something.
♪"Flamingo" by Fruit Bats♪
♪The place where I was born is a vague memory♪
♪Like the flakes in the snow of a broke-down TV♪
♪It could be in the big city or in a beautiful dell♪
♪♪♪
♪With a red corn silo or a broken church bell♪
♪♪♪
♪Here we go again♪
♪♪♪
♪Well, the girls would all be pretty♪
♪And the men quiet and strong♪
♪♪♪
♪And the autumn is beautiful♪
♪And the summer not too long♪
♪♪♪
♪Rains of May would come a-pourin' ♪
♪Like the Genesis flood♪
♪♪♪
♪Left the old pink flamingo face down in the mud♪
♪♪♪
♪Here we go again♪
♪♪♪
♪Well, the last thing I'll do before I call it quits♪
♪Is probably dream just a little bit♪
♪But nothin' too hard on my sweet fadin' mind♪
♪'Cause everything, everything's♪
♪Gonna be just fine♪
♪But everything, everything's♪
♪Gonna be just fine♪
♪Everything, everything's gonna be just fine♪
♪And everything, everything's gonna be just fine♪
♪Everything, everything's gonna be just fine♪
♪♪♪
♪Whoo♪
♪♪♪
So, I'm guess this is the end of our movie
-and it was too intense-- -Pretty crazy, intense,
-scary. -Scary.
We can't do this anymore.
I mean, just...
What do you wanna do?
I don't know, play music?
Sure, let's go.
♪"Babyyy" by Grace Ives♪
♪You were deep in the dark♪ ♪I'm a shape in the dark♪
♪Pining for you♪
♪I talk a lot♪ ♪Never stay in one spot♪
♪You know I'm rooting for you♪
♪Mm-hm playing that song about you♪
♪They keep playing that song about you♪
♪♪♪
♪I have been dancing♪ ♪You are romancing♪
♪I caught a glance and♪ ♪Found you in a trance and♪
♪Thought this wouldn't phase me♪ ♪Now you call her baby♪
♪I'm scared you don't see me♪ ♪Now I just feel crazy♪
♪Think that I'll go home♪
♪♪♪
♪Dancin'♪ ♪You are romancin'♪
♪I caught a glance and♪ ♪Found you in a trance and♪
♪Thought this wouldn't phase me♪ ♪You call her baby♪
♪I'm scared you don't see me♪ ♪Now I just feel crazy♪
It's a...
hot winter?