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Our dad could have beat the shit out of your dad.
I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.
You may have heard that the human head weighs 11 pounds
and the neck shouldn't be able to support it.
Our dad's mustache alone weighed 12,
and his neck didn't give a shit, because it was basically a third bicep.
He drove an '89 350.
Got ten miles to the gallon,
but he offset his carbon footprint by growing our mom
a fresh bouquet of flowers every single day.
I still drive it.
Him and our mom had three boys.
Adam, that's me, Tim, and Kevin.
With our powers combined,
we never once got him to the ground,
and Tim was a high school state champion wrestler in junior high.
Every summer, we'd go to the cabin he built with his bare hands,
because tools are for cowards,
and he showed us everything there was to know
about being a man.
Building fires, chopping down trees, subduing bears.
You know, the basics.
He called it "Man Camp",
and then when I was 16 years old,
he ran into the one thing that he couldn't take down
with his world class ax throwing abilities.
He got cancer.
And within months,
the greatest man to walk the planet was gone.
Now, your dad might still be alive,
but if they ever do throw down in Heaven,
or you know, I don't how all that's going to work,
but if they do,
our dad will absolutely beat the shit out of your dad.
Can we not do this today?
Stop licking it, eat it.
If you like the taste, then put it all the way in.
If you like the way it tastes, then put it in your belly.
Look at me, you eat that oatmeal right now.
You put it in your mouth and you swallow it or I will take your blankie
and I will burn it like Captain von Trapp burning the Nazi flag.
Do you understand? I can get rid of you in a second, bud.
They got orphanages on every corner.
I thought the breakfast battle would be over by now.
Hey, is this thing ours, because I'm not,
I'm not feeling super sure about it.
You saw him come out of me, so.
Indeed, indeed I did. How was the gym?
Ugh, Kristen, you know,
the one who is only eating raw bacteria
for three weeks to reset my vagina?
Cornered me about her pyramid scheme again.
- Did you get in the pyramid, babe? - No, I did not, babe.
Babe, you got a chance to get in a pyramid,
you get in there, you get that forbidden treasure, babe.
Oh, you're dumb.
- Did you start packing for your trip yet? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah?
What is the matter with you? It's Man Camp Week!
Usually you're all like, "Oh, cook up this meat!
Grab me a beer, scratch my balls.
Yeah."
- Whoa! - Wow, that's what I'm like?
Yeah, when you're with the your brothers, yes.
Well, I'm just a little tired of being the only adult in the family, you know?
It's been like babysitting the last few years.
Not now, Artiz, I'm trying to make a point.
Really?
Listen, can't you just,
like, crack the whip and tell me I can't go?
- Crack... the whip? - Yeah.
- You know, the whip. - Oh, ugh, mm.
Lots of wives do it.
You're disgusting and no,
I'm not going to let you end your 12 year tradition
of celebrating your dad's life at the cabin, okay?
Now, I'm going to go shower.
I've had a morning, okay? Clean this up, please.
- Thank you. - Okay, bye.
- Bye, I love you. - Love you.
Oh, hey, babe? Uh, we got to burn Max's blankie.
I can't afford to make another idle threat.
- Have fun. Bye. - Bye.
Don't get too drunk.
- I will! - Okay.
Oh, God, okay. Uh, yeah.
Yep, okay.
There... there you go.
What the hell do you want, man? It's like 10:00 in the morning.
Yeah, man, that's not early, so is Tim around?
- Tim, resident Tim? - Yeah.
Yeah, nobody comes in just to see Tim.
Not nobody, not no how.
Yeah, man, I'm his older brother, so.
Oh, bro, why didn't you say so? Come on in.
This guy from the President Tim poster.
Hey, man, I saw a picture of your wife.
- Did you? - Yeah, it's right there.
It's actually a picture of you and your wife.
Not a day goes by that I don't regret
letting that little one off the hook.
I, I don't know what you mean, what?
Me and Katie, we were a... a thing.
All right, what about this?
♪ Let's get the starty parted! ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪
Eric Brinkerhoff?
In the flesh.
Katie Baker is married... to me.
- Tim. - Adam!
- Bro! - Broski.
- Broski? - Brocahontas.
- Brocapontas. - Brontosaurus.
- Brohannesburg. - Bone browth.
- Saxobrone. - Dearly bebrothed.
- Broner. - Potato potahbro.
- Bronze Julius. - Broreos and milk.
♪ Brone, brone, brone, brone ♪
♪ Brone, brone, brone ♪
♪ Brone, Brone ♪
♪ Brone, Brone, Brone ♪
- What's up, dude? - Did you skip the party last night?
Uh, I wasn't really in the mood to rage,
but I saw the ladies in here and wowza,
so I kept it to a 12-pack and hung around for a bit
to fulfill my presidential duties,
look after these fine lads.
I'm going to go wait in the truck.
Cool, uh, let me grab a quick rinse, then we'll head, okay?
- Man Camp! - Man Camp!
So, uh, is Katie staying home alone?
Hey bud, why don't you rinse off when we get there?
I'm going to get out of here.
So you, uh, planning on graduating anytime soon?
Or are you just going to kind of hang out, become the next-door
- dude perving on people's family pictures? - Come on, dude.
What do you mean "come on?" That guy was fricking perving on Katie.
Everyone pervs on Katie, dude, it's the circle of life.
Every... so you perv on Katie, that's something you do?
She had, like, a baby last year, so obviously not lately,
that'd be pretty messed up, dude.
Besides, she family's on me.
- Brewski? - I'm driving.
- Right, stick shift. - I don't know, man.
All this partying, drinking nonstop,
different girl every week.
At some point you're going to have to grow up.
What, so I can get it together like you?
Get a wife, kid, sell like two cars a month, pay taxes and shit?
It must be pretty lonely on the top of that mountain.
You don't pay taxes?
I don't know, Dad, let me check with my accountant.
Hello, Mr. Steinberg's office.
- Yeah, I'll hold. - Dude, don't be a dick.
Fake out, dude! It's not even a real phone, bro.
Mom told me you were an accident.
Well, um, life, uh...
Finds a way.
Mom?
Mom, we're home!
I don't see Kevin's GoPed.
He's living in the garage, right?
Hey, Kev, bud?
Kev?
Where the hell is everybody?
Brave warrior Bill,
you must journey to the Forbidden Mountain
and save my father from the shadows of the Dark Lord.
I will, my lady, and when I return I shall ask for your hand in marriage.
And at that time you shall have your true reward.
The Mighty Ax of Kabazaduil.
Bro, wake up dipshit!
My lady?
- Kevin, hello, it's Tim! - Tim?
- Is he on drugs or something? - Let's try his, that language that he knows.
I don't actually know the language, I don't actually know.
Kevin, Kevin, wake up.
He hasn't gotten any better at drawing.
Kevin, wake up, dude. Hey, Kev.
Hey, bros.
I... To what do I... I owe this... prestigious pleasure?
It's Man Camp week, dude.
It's Man Camp... it's Man Camp weekend?
Sure, uh, sure, yeah. Totes, totes knew that.
Yeah, is... is Mom around?
Actually, mom... Mom is, uh, let me check the planner.
Oh, she said...
Um, yes. See, a work retreat.
A work retreat?
Uh, yeah, something about team building exercises.
For her business that she owns herself,
and she doesn't have any employees?
Mm-hmm.
She wasn't worried at all
about missing us on her way up to the cabin?
Yeah, well, I'm sure she'll be here when we get back, so
we'll see her then to say hi.
So, how is it man?
All moved in back at home, is it, uh, pretty nice?
Epic.
- Yeah? - Yeah, it's sweet.
Um, you know, other than that
I'm just killing it at college right now.
Five year plan.
I thought, uh, online college
was like a less than two year kind of thing.
Yeah, if you're intellectually inferior and only want one degree.
I have four already, so we got philosophy,
astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and home economics.
Wow, is... is Mom paying or?
I'm going to stop you there. Uh, she will be reimbursed.
It's all part of, you know, five year plan, so.
You got a job then or?
Yeah, I started my own business actually, distribution.
Of what?
Uh, just like, beer, wine, spirits.
Oh, you're a liquor rep for, uh, for who?
People that can't get it themselves, like they're either too young
or not old enough,
or in a lot of cases they're just born later than they should've been.
Kevin, that's illegal, bud.
Where does it say that in the Constitution?
Because this is America and last I checked I'm American, so.
You're selling alcohol to children, Kevin.
Well, they identify as adults,
so, jeez, that's insensitive.
Hey, isn't this guy in jail for running an illegal cat fighting ring or something?
Cats?
No, rabbits actually.
It's way higher net revenue.
Tim?
Shit, it's Christy Borders, hide me.
Tim, is that you? Hey, guys, it's been, like, forever.
Tim, you look all grown up.
What's up? Hey, Christy, we, uh, we were just about to leave, so.
Oh, yeah? Where are you guys... oh, your little Min Camp.
- It's called Man Camp. - She's the worst.
Uh, you know, Tim, I was cleaning out my closet recently,
and, uh, found that love poem you wrote me. Do you remember?
- Nope. - Oh, come on, yeah, you do.
You wrote it in eighth grade to ask me to prom,
and you titled it, like, "Sexy Poem."
It sounds like a fake poem.
Well, it's real and I found it, um...
kind of bummed I didn't say yes seeing as how you grew up.
Well, uh, you didn't so, sucks for you I guess.
Yeah, um, well, you guys enjoy your "Man Camp."
Bye, Tim.
Really nice to see you, Christy.
What's your deal with her, dude?
You used to be obsessed with her when we were kids.
Now you actually have a shot, and you're being a total douche.
Well, now she has wooden teeth, okay? Hard pass.
Come on, let's go.
The ice, put it in.
Did you guys see the way she was flirting with me?
What can I get you fine gentlemen
this glorious post morning?
Post.
Uh, where's Sam? He's never not here.
Ah, yes, our proprietor is currently indisposed.
And he left you in charge?
They call me Kurt.
I got to take a piss.
Great, uh, Kurt, can we just get four bourbons, please.
Straight up.
You don't want that. Allow me to delight your senses
with my self-authored specialty.
Including handcrafted bitters, which I crafted myself, with my hands.
Uh, yeah, no, no specials, just the four bourbons, please.
Actually that sounds delightful, I'll try one of those. On the house.
Kevin, it's tradition.
Four bourbons, nothing else.
And you can't order things on the house.
One Kurt Special on the house.
It's delicious.
Okay, you know what?
Just the four bourbons, please.
Straight up, nothing else.
I don't know what's happening to this place, but I don't like it.
- Whiskey au gelatin. - Oh, come on.
- It's Jello shots. - Whatever. Um...
To Dad.
Really?
- We're not paying for this. - You should be ashamed of yourself.
Let's do this.
I can still feel him up here, you know?
Me too.
Or the altitude, but I'm pretty sure it's Dad.
Enough with the ghost stories, boys.
These beers aren't going to drink themselves.
Mom?
Mom!
Adam, oh, my God!
Why are you naked?
You should never be nude, Mom.
Timmy, I am not naked.
Oh, hey, Mom. How's the work retreat going?
Oh, no, Kevin!
- What are you all even doing up here? - What are you doing here?
It's Man Camp week.
It's this weekend?
- Yeah. - Oh, shit!
Okay, fine, I'll, uh... I'll just gather my things up.
I forgot that it was this...
Sometimes a woman just needs some special time
- alone to herself to... - Oh, God, Mom, no!
Gross! No explanation necessary, please.
Don't be such a little bitch, Adam.
Explanation fully necessary.
So, you're just here by yourself having special time then?
Yes, yes.
I hear there's a few logs
that need to be split in this here woods.
Oh!
Oh, oh, I, uh, wow.
I was just, uh, getting some wood.
No, I, it's so nice to actually meet you guys.
Hi!
Um.
You must be... Oh.
- Tim. - We can talk this through.
Tim. Tim.
- Mister, g... - No, no, no, I, we should...
Tim, Tim, Tim!
Go! Grab him! Run!
- Stop it! - Run!
Tim! Stop that!
Stop it!
- Um... - Shh!
Maybe... some introductions are in order.
Well, now that's a great idea, Kevin.
Okay, I'm Alan.
Uh, guys, guys, relax, just chill, bros.
Um, you know, maybe I can, do you mind if I?
I... I think I can explain what's going on here.
Mom and Alan are friends...
who apparently work together since Alan is here on the work retreat.
- It's not a work retreat. - Nothing going on here.
It's just, it's just two work friends
doing what work friends do, you know?
Riding work bikes and going to the movies for work,
or going to fancy work restaurants.
You know, or having work sleepovers.
- You know, or all night work wrestling matches. - Kevin.
It's just work.
Dude, you know this guy?
- Who, Alan? - Yeah!
Yeah, of course. What's up, Alan?
Mom, what the hell is going on here?
Boys, look.
I've been wanting to talk to you for a while.
I've met someone.
What the hell do you mean you've met someone?
Well, Tim, is it?
When a man loves a woman...
I know exactly what happens when a man loves a woman,
and it sure as hell better not be happening
outside the boundaries of holy matrimony!
Now, Tim, I think you need to see the whole picture here.
Whole picture?
This isn't just about physical stuff going on,
and believe me, that is going on.
I think what I'm trying to say
is that sometimes there's more to the story, okay?
And what more to story is there, Alan?
It... There's nothing. It... It's nothing.
- What he's trying to say... - No, no, honey.
Bless you, but I know what I'm trying to say.
I want you boys to know that I'm a man of good intentions,
and I think that if you boys understand
where this is going with your Mom and I,
we can smooth this whole thing over.
Where things are going?
That's... That's great, it sounds like you're planning a wedding.
Oh, shit.
What do you want me to say?
Okay, okay, so I guess...
I guess whatever we think about all this is just,
who gives a shit what we think about it. Wow.
I've got news for you, young man.
I am 54 years old and I think I am perfectly capable
of making a decision by myself,
and if you think you should've been included in that decision,
well, I'm sorry, I am, but I love this man.
- I love you too, Ther. - Not now, babe.
I love him and I wanted to wait to discuss it with you boys
until I saw that it was serious.
I can't imagine why I was so nervous,
because you also clearly have the ability
to handle things like mature adults.
And if I hear you talk to me in that language again,
I'm going to wash your mouth out with bleach,
- do you understand? - I'm a grown ass man.
God, okay, Mom, Mom!
Okay, jeez.
So, this is what you wanted all along?
You just got stuck with Dad?
How dare you!
We always have s'mores the first night, is that not?
Hey, brother.
You need a push?
Judas! How long have you known about this, Kevin?
Um, phew, eight months and a half.
Maybe nine.
Nine months? Are they doing it?
Doing what?
It, sex, intercourse!
I couldn't say for sure, but, yes, definitely.
You piece of human shit.
Why didn't you tell us this was going on?
Because Mom seemed happy.
I mean, the happiest I've ever seen her.
You know, since everything happened.
And I knew you guys would just lose your minds, so.
- You don't know that, dude. - I do, I do know that!
Father Flynn, you planted drugs on him because you thought
he hugged Mom for too long at Christmas Eve service.
He's never hugged me that long.
And Alan is, he's not that bad.
You know, he can't play baseball or fix a truck,
or play pranks as good as Dad could,
but you know, he's been really nice to me.
Yeah, he probably doesn't have Dad's sense of humor, does he?
He's probably a little more emotionally fragile, yeah?
Uh, well, you know, he did submit
this really thoughtful gardening plan to Reader's Digest.
Kevin, get in the truck.
We're going to need supplies.
I am so glad that this is now my top memory of this place.
Really, I'm thrilled about it.
God knows what else has been going on up here.
Right, Adam, and I'm just the town...
What?
- Bicycle. - Bicycle?
Everyone goes for a ride on me.
Oh, gosh, Mom.
Sweetie, don't say that.
I made you some chamomile to calm you down.
I'll get you one.
Listen, Mom.
I'm not saying that you're some kind of... whore, okay?
I'm just, you have to understand this is hard for us.
This guy could be anybody for all we know.
He, he, he could be a serial killer.
He could be a rapist. He could be a registered sex offender.
- Careful, it's hot. - Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I saw a guy
that looked a lot like him on To Catch a Predator.
Oh, I've got folding to do.
These people are out there.
- Oh, that's hot. - Told you!
Alan is not a predator, don't be silly!
You know, I am sorry.
I don't want you to be sorry, Mom.
I want you to act like you give a shit what we think.
Hey, hey, mister. Watch the language. Your mother already mentioned that.
Oh, oh, okay,
so I can't come to my Dad's cabin and say "shit",
but you're fully welcome to come here
with no freaking pants on and take care of quote,
"A log that needs splitting."
I don't even know what that means, man.
That was a flirtatious expression...
- My mom is not a log! - Honey, please!
I know this is hard on you.
Why do you think we were afraid to tell you guys in the first place?
Look how you boys are acting!
It's like having two clones of your father in this room.
We're still a family, Mom.
Even if Dad's gone.
Yes, we are.
And I'm still a person with a life,
and I deserve to have someone to share it with.
I'd give anything to have your father back.
But that's not going to happen.
It's time you boys understood that.
I need some air.
Thanks for sticking around to back me up. I appreciate it.
Don't worry about it, everything's under control.
No, it's not, dude. I can't stand this guy, he needs to go.
Way ahead of you, pal.
Can I help you?
No, no, I've got it.
This is kind of my thing.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
- You are? - Yeah.
You know me, I always go overboard.
I mean, it's like zero to 60 in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
I love you.
What are you up to, Timmy?
Am I upset?
Yes, but does that mean that I don't want you to be happy
and find some love in your life?
I mean, come on.
I'm not a monster.
Let us make it up to you.
It's all right. Alan and I are going to go.
You guys have a great weekend
and we can talk about this another time.
There's no time like the present, okay?
Now, the boys and I have a proposition,
and I think you'll find it very appealing.
What?
Well, you go home for the weekend, okay?
Hang out with your girlfriends, paint your toenails, watch a little Gilly Girls.
And, uh, we'll hang up here with Alan, just the boys.
Okay, just really get a real chance
to really get to know the real Alan, Man Camp plus one.
Really?
Um, uh...
Yes, yes, yep.
Perfect, so we're all in agreement.
- Uh, I, I don't think so. - What?
- You have that look in your eye. - What look?
The look that before you burned the neighbor's shed down,
or you buried their cat for meowing at night,
- oh, and when you booby trapped the teacher's lounge. - Mom, Mom!
That look.
Mom, that was old Tim, okay? This is new Tim.
That's sweet, honey, but, um, Alan has some work
that he's just got to get back to.
Honey, no, no, no. I can reschedule that.
Yeah, you know, honestly, I think this is a great idea.
There you go, Al, buddy.
Well. Oh!
You won't regret this.
Hey, hey, hey, I know we came on a little strong up there, okay?
- At the top. - Just a little bit.
- And for that, I apologize. - Oh.
And Kev says you're a stand-up guy, so I trust my brother.
Let's try this again.
Welcome to Man Camp.
Well, thank you, New Tim.
I appreciate it. Oh, that's good.
- I'm glad to have a new start and hit to old reset button. - Yeah.
And just have a little man on man time.
- What's that? - Oh, you know, break down some barriers.
Just get going guy on guy, I think it sounds amazing,
and you know what?
You've got nothing to worry about,
because all we're going to be doing up here
is just a couple of guys taking it nice and deep.
I can't wait.
So, I guess I'm going to have to split that log another time.
Stop!
Well, this is all going to be fine. It's going to be okay, trust me.
Oh, you poor, poor sweet man.
- Oh! - All right, all set.
Okay, um, I'll call you when I get home, okay?
- Oh, please do, sweetie. - Drive safe, Mom.
- It's gonna be scary at night. - Oh, oh, hey, you guys be good to him.
He's not used to these sort of situations, okay?
- We'll take care of him, Mom. - Okay, oh, my sweet boys. Oh.
- All right. - Oh, okay, okay.
- Drive safe, Mom. - Okay.
Don't you worry about a thing.
When we come down off of this mountain,
we're going to be like peas and carrots.
- Aw, I love you, babe. - Oh.
- Bye! - Bye, Mom.
- Bye!
Well, boys, here we go, ooh.
- Hey, buddy. - Oh.
You ready to spend some quality time with the boys?
Oh, yeah.
I just had a ruptured disc, I think.
Oh, my gosh, yeah, I can feel
those little pieces floating around in my back skin.
I can't breathe really.
I think he's telling the truth.
His face looks really fat and tight.
Oh, no, that's just what his face looks like.
- No, okay, please. - Okay.
- Oh. - Just a little brotherly wrestling with you, Alan.
It's going to be a good weekend up here.
I can't wait to just hang out and see what you're all about.
Well, hang on, are you winking to them
to surreptitiously suggest
that you're not going to have a good weekend with me?
Don't be silly, Alvis.
I've got something in my eye.
Oh, you know what? I think you actually do have something in your eye.
- Oh, very good, Kevin! - Not the time for magic, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, I think I might have a quarter in my eye.
I don't see anything in your eye.
Maybe if I check into... oh!
Oh, come on.
Did you hear what I just said, Alvin?
Actually, it's Alan.
Sure thing, Alice.
Oh, I get it.
You like to give each other a little smack down, huh?
Kind of razz the bros, well, I totally dig that.
Yeah, I dig it. I dig it with both shovels, but I'll tell you something,
you better watch out, because four can play that game.
Like, hey, you little weirdo wankers.
Buncha weirdo wankers.
Don't tell your mother I said that.
It's a good thing no one can hear you way up here.
Away from the modern world.
You could scream your lungs out and no one would hear you but the wind and the trees.
You know, Tim, that kind of came across as a threat.
The imagination on this one.
Let's get you situated.
Hey, are there any more sleeping options?
Because I know there are bedrooms downstairs,
and also I need to use the potty.
Outhouse is over there.
Goodnight, baby bear.
All right, boys, homewrecker's all tucked in.
Great, so what's the plan?
Now this guy's staying up here for Man Camp?
Dad would not be happy, dude.
Obviously Dad would be pissed
about Mom knocking boots with Small Bunyan out there.
Okay, that guy is ugly, weak as shit, and probably racist.
He... He teaches African American Studies at the community college.
Classic racist cover-up, Kevin.
You're avoiding the question, man.
Why the hell did you invite him up here?
We could've at least had a decent weekend,
but now that's out the window.
Bro, trust.
After this weekend, you'll never have to see him again.
I give you...
the master plan.
Mom's on her way home now, confident everything is cool.
Now, while she has a nice little weekend to herself,
we keep that dong bag up here and let the games begin.
You made this?
Yeah, dude, I'm not a kindergartner.
I know basic cartography.
Oh, are those ninja stars?
Shuriken, read the legend.
Oh, hey, that guy's falling off a cliff.
This guy's just on fire. We're going to light him on fire?
What do you think I am, a psychopath?
He'll be setting himself on fire,
which you would know if you read the legend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This guy on fire, that's supposed to be Alan?
- Yeah. - Oh, no.
Uh-uh, no, I'm sorry, change of allegiance, Tim.
Thanks, Kevin, yeah, we're not torturing this guy.
But thank you for ruining this entire weekend
because of your stupid little plan.
So, you'd rather it just be the three of us up here?
While he's down in our house touching our mom? Dad's Mom?
Dude, I'm not a bigger fan of this guy than you are, but we need a real plan.
You're acting as if I didn't create
an incredibly detailed map for that very purpose!
Are you even aware of what's at stake here?
Kevin, tell him what you told me.
The only place a dream becomes impossible
is in your own mind.
About Mom and Alan.
Oh, um, they... they love each other.
And how do they love each other?
In the sheets.
Thank you.
- Well... - Sometimes on the couch.
Kevin, got it. Kind of put two and two together
when we walked in on Mom spread eagle on the bearskin rug.
Dad's bearskin rug.
Dad's Mom's bearskin rug.
Tim, I'm not going to jail again
for another one of your stupid little plans. Goodnight.
Hey, I'm starting to get the feeling
you don't care about defending Mom's honor.
- Dad's Mom's honor. - Okay, first of all, Dad's mom is Grandma,
and second, yes, I absolutely do care,
but there has to be a better way.
This is it, man. Pick a side.
I'm on your side, but this kind of childish shit
is the exact reason that Mom doesn't tell us
any of this stuff in the first place.
Thank you, Dad, for the lecture.
Hey, let me know if you see my brother around,
I need his help with something.
- I'm right here, Tim. - Not you, Kevin.
I'm talking about Captain Dingle over here.
You know what, dude? Fine.
You just kill a guy and see where that gets you, okay?
Have fun.
I'm not crazy, okay, dude. I get it.
You know, maybe one day in the future
Mom's going to find some guy or something, okay?
I'm not totally opposed to that,
but if he can't prove himself a worthy successor,
by a few tests of manhood,
then, you know, maybe he's not the right guy.
Death is not a test of manhood, dude. He's not Jesus.
He can't rise from the dead.
Gandalf did it.
Gandalf did it, thank you, Kevin.
Make a choice, Adam. Are you in or out?
Choose!
Is that a bear?
Bear pit.
Legend.
I'm going to bed.
And when I wake up,
this little idea of yours better be gone.
All right, Adam.
You're the leader, map's out.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it, bud.
A snake this large would have to be flown in from South America.
- Now, I have a guy but... - Give me that!
What's that smell?
Oh, I see we have a late riser on our hands.
Good almost afternoon to you, Adam.
What's... what's going on here?
Alan made us breakfast, cruelty-free veggie omelets.
- They've got kale and everything. - Oh.
It's like a dream come true.
- You're going to love it. - These are delicious, Alan.
Now, Adam, what'll it be?
Would you like a two cage-free free range egger
or a three cage-free free range egger?
Uh, whatever.
What egg-er?
I just... I don't know.
We were just telling Alan
how we're throwing out our plans for the weekend,
so we can just get to know each other.
Oh, great.
That's great, thank you, Tim. Thank you.
You know, I don't want to interrupt, but I just was wondering,
what do you guys usually do when you're here?
I mean, do you just hang out? Do you just kind of shoot the crap, or what?
Just, you know, typical guy stuff.
We, uh, we light stuff on fire.
We drink alcoholic beers.
You know, fish, whatever.
Ooh, yikes, I'll definitely have to sit that one out,
because I can't imagine anything crueler
than having a hook in your mouth.
I mean, just, ugh, ow.
I, um, I respect your compassion
for all creatures on this earth, you know I do.
But, um, and you got to hear me on this.
Fish are not living things.
They are the vegetables of the sea. No worries, Alan.
Fishing's out.
Our plans are out the window.
- We want to hear about your plans. - Really?
Your mother and I were going to do some birdwatching,
so we could definitely do that, and they're in season,
and then also, oh, this tops it. We not even bird.
I have all my scrapbooking stuff up here.
- Scrapbooking? - Mm-hmm.
Adam loves scrapbooking.
No way! Are you a scrapper?
- Uh-huh. - I totally felt that, we're twinsies.
Well, tell you what? Why don't you take the reins for today, huh?
- What do you say, Adam? - Best plan I've heard in the past 24 hours, Tim.
Oh, that's wonderful!
This is it, I'm going to step up to the challenge.
Okay, does anybody want seconds
because we definitely have seconds?
Is that a bird out there?
- I don't eat breakfast after 10:00. - Oh, okay. Kev?
Pick one of those.
Ooh!
- Wow! - You like it?
There you go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
This is from my seventh grade dream diary,
and it's, uh, "One day I'll have friends."
All right, guys, score is Team Awesome, three.
Team Friends Forever, zero.
All right, Kev, you're up.
Ha ha!
And go!
- Jaws. - Yes!
- Yes, yes! - Oh!
- Yeah! - Yes, come on!
Bullshit!
- There's no way, there's... - What, what?
Yeah, you guys got some catching up to do, come on.
All right, I am totally feeling this.
Are you ready, buddy? Here we go.
Come on, we're syncing up, we're all connected. Are you ready?
- Yep. - Okay, here we go.
Bompity bo!
Oh, I know this one. Here we go, ready?
And... go.
Pig, pig, pigtail.
Pigtail, pig penis, pig penis, pig...
- long penis. - Come on, am I not getting through here?
Hey, you cannot talk in this part.
- Okay, okay. - Zipper.
Pig hands, pig hands, pat-a-cake.
- And time. - Oh, oh, oh, it's so close!
- Oh, it was Hambone. That was one of mine. - Hambone?
The category was movies, Alan.
Yeah, I know I figured that out about halfway through.
Okay, uh, I need to take a walk.
Uh, uh, uh, not so fast, mister.
There are bears out there.
- You need some bear spray first. - Fine.
- What are you... what are you doing? - Well, it's...
It's just basically like bug spray for bears.
- No, no, no! - Oh, no, oh, no!
Oh, you got to hold still.
Oh, whew!
Oh, that's heavy.
- Tim! - Yeah?
- I swallowed it. - Kevin!
You guys stay here, I'm going to get help.
I am so sorry.
They told me that it would keep the bears away,
but they didn't tell me how to use it.
I'm definitely writing them a letter.
You can take that to the bank.
Oh, is there anything that I can do?
You know, they tell me that I do some pretty good head scratches.
Here we go. Break an egg on your head...
...and the yolk runs down.
Just get me a beer, bud.
Don't you think it's a little early in the day for alcohol?
- What's that? - For alcohol, I think it's a little early.
I mean, I'm generally like a after five o'clock boy,
but you know what?
We're all men here, doing guy stuff, right?
I have just the thing.
Oh, oh, you guys, wait for the party to explode.
Hang on, you're going to feel a whole lot better in a second.
I was saving this for your mom and I...
...but when the cat's away, the mice will play.
Here you go.
Now, some ground rules.
As long as everybody does this within reason,
and there's no bad decisions that are made.
- Of course. - We take actions that honor our bodies,
I think that we can have ourselves a good old time in style.
Anybody up for a little brown sackin' it?
- Brown sackin' it? - Yeah.
See, this is what happens. We just kind of loosen up.
We break down some walls.
Who wants to be the first to sip the sack?
Come on, don't be shy.
Who's ready to put their lips to the old brownie?
You know what? Brown me up.
My man!
Right, guys?
Go to brown town.
Now, Kevin, I think it's only fair that as eldest,
the brownie would be Adam's birthright.
Adam?
Do you want to be the first to take a big swallow from the old man pouch?
Don't be rude, Adam.
Take a drink from Alan's mouthwatering old man pouch.
Oh, I don't Adam's ready for the old wrinkled wraparound.
What the hell is this, man? Bloody Mary mix?
Well, I say we toast.
To man pouches...
fun times...
- no plans. - I, sir, will drink to that,
and I have another one.
This is one is to the ladies in our lives.
To a wonderful mother, of course.
She's a wonderful woman, wonderful roommate too.
And to Tim's future wife, Christy Borders.
Christy Borders is a swamp woman with a glass eye and a shovel face, no thanks.
And I think Adam has a beautiful bride at home,
if I'm not mistaken. I've seen some pictures of her.
Ooh, here's to you, good sir. Hat's off to you.
You know what's funny though?
She looks just like the young lady
that is our spin instructor over at Shapers,
and I'll tell you something,
that woman is a little firecracker.
Oh, if I were a younger man.
I put the boots to her!
Knocking the boots, making the bacon.
Isn't Shapers just for women?
Pretty sweet of Alan to notice
how attractive your wife is, isn't he?
Oh, come on. Any red-blooded man is going to notice a woman like that.
You're just upset that he locked her down first.
Here's to Katie, come on.
- Katie, to Katie. - To Katie.
Katie, Katie, Katie!
Yeah!
- Oh. - Whoops, uh-oh.
- Clumsy. Just... - Oh, I'll get it.
Uh, Tim, did you, um,
did you have like a... like a plan or something that you wanted to do today?
I may have mapped something out.
Is that the map with all the dead Alans?
Kev, you joker!
Uh, Alan, I think we are going to need
- some firewood for tonight. - Okay.
I've got a map that will take us to the best spot, what do you say?
Yeah, sure, that sounds great.
Just a little bit higher, bud!
The good one's at the top, you're doing great!
Yeah? Okay.
Hey, uh, what about, uh, what about this one?
No, no, that won't burn.
Up top, let's not make a thing out of this.
But this one's got, like, kindling on it.
Got to have that top wood, bud!
About time you came around, man. We were like ten minutes away from a show tunes review.
Yeah, man, you're right. This guy's got to go.
And you know, if this map is the way to do it,
then I guess it's worth a shot.
Sounds good to me. Kev, you in?
I've dedicated my life to pacifism, so.
Great, Kev's in.
I, I do draw the line at murder though.
Whoa, ah!
Sweet.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Three? Good job. You're going to be fine.
Am I still falling?
A dark evil has awakened. You need to flee this place.
Oh, nonsense, it's just a scratch.
Hey, Kev? Do me a favor,
there's a lot of good wood that came down with me.
It's all over there in the woods.
Just, just pick it up, would you?
So, uh, Al, you ever start a fire before?
No. Confidentiality, Tim, your mother and I...
- That's great, man. Hey, Kev. - Yeah?
Why don't you come over here and show Alan how to start a Man Camp fire.
Oh, sure.
You take, uh, this is called a flint.
And you take, uh, the back of a knife and just get going.
Oh, that's good, you're getting some sparks.
Really getting some sparks there.
Oh, let me, I think I can do that. Thank you.
- Yes! - There you go, bud.
Now you got a spark going there.
- Oh! - All right, Al.
You got it, you're like a firecracker.
- Al, come on over, man. Try it on the pile. - Me?
- Yeah, you're good. - Let me get in close.
Oh!
Ah!
I think I saw Satan.
- Oh! - Yes!
Oh!
- Oh. - A little much for you there, Al?
Ew, no, there beer is not right.
There's something wrong there.
- Asparagus. - Timbo?
Timbo, it's your shot, I'm killing it out here, man.
- Tim? - Tim!
Ugh.
Tim?
Your pound, Tim. It's our shot, bud. Bud?
Tim?
Shh, shh, shh. It's me, it's me.
- Are you in blackface? - What?
No, it's Navy Seal camo paint, don't be such a noob.
- What are you doing? - Going commando for this next phase.
What does that have to do with anything?
Just get Alan out about 15 yards
into the woods towards the creek.
- Okay. - Okay.
Hey, um, did you pee in one of the cups?
I peed in all the cups.
It's my signature move. Everybody loses.
- You rolled a four. - No!
I mean, talk about a critical fail.
So he garrisoned on an enchantment.
Exactly! Exactly!
- That's unbelievable! - Unbelievable!
You, don't even worry about it,
because we're just rapping some D&D here.
- He don't know. - You don't know.
You guys having, like, a fellowship together?
- Yes, and no, it's more of a guild than a fellowship. - Yeah!
Alan, actually uh, I need you to go down um, to the creek
to um, get something from the creek.
What, is it a secret?
Uh, water... water.
For breakfast tomorrow.
- But can't we just use the sink? - It's not potable.
Listen, Alan, we all got to pull our weight around here.
Can you just head down there and get that?
I will be back before you can say prestidigitation.
Whoops!
The, the creek, it's swarming with Giardia.
Yeah, probably.
Low, medium, high, full.
There you are, buddy.
- What are we doing? - Shh! Watching.
Go get some water, I can do that easy enough,
as soon as I find the creek.
- "Professional Strength Electrified Animal Fence." - There you go.
There you go, keep walking.
So, I guess everybody's got to do their share.
Everybody's got to carry their weight.
What did he mean by that?
It sounded like kind of a fat crack to me.
Right into my little...
What's he doing?
Dammit, he's taking a piss.
Hey, are you sure this is safe?
Alan!
Oh, shit!
Dude, dude!
Sick.
- What happened? - I don't know, Kevin.
- Alan? - What?
- Alan, are you okay? - Oh, my God.
- Is he okay? - I don't know, Kevin!
Mom, is it time for school?
Let's get him to the couch.
Alan, hey, you okay, bud?
- What, what? - Are you going to be all right?
- Who, me? - Yeah.
Oh, no, I mean, no, I'm fine.
Hey, guys, what'd I miss? Woof, what happened to you?
Oh, I don't know.
I just relieving myself,
and then I heard Kevin calling me over, and then
from out of nowhere this surge of,
this surge of energy entered from my, my penis.
And then it just electrified my entire body.
We didn't ask what happened the first time you saw a dolphin jump.
What happened outside?
- Are you going to be all right, Alan? - I don't know.
I mean, I think so, I just, I don't know what happened.
Heat lightning probably.
You must have some extremely high iron levels in your piss.
Must've attracted a bolt.
That's weird, because in my research,
urine was always a poor conductor.
You know what, Alan? Let's, uh, let's get you to bed, come on.
Okay, do I have to go in the tent?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay, well, that's only fair.
Hey, could one of you guys zip me up?
A-1 in the books, nice work, boys.
That was all on your map, was it?
I don't want any part of this.
You're just, you're just bullying him!
Like you bully everybody else!
Cool, so you're just going to let him marry Mom
and have their little happily ever after?
I don't think it'd be the worst thing in the world.
Cool!
So, you find a new place to live yet?
Well, once they're married and he's all moved in,
they're not just going to want you hanging around.
You don't know that. Adam?
He's got a point, Kev.
No, Alan and I, we're in a guild, okay?
So, he'd never betray me.
Things change, Kevin.
Guilds break up.
Once he moves in,
your little Friday fro-yo dates with Mom, bye bye.
Mac and cheese ready every day at 12:30?
Nope.
Your movie spot on the couch, your favorite spot.
- No! - Effing ta-ta, man.
I... I mean, you probably stand to lose more in this than any of us,
and we're not saying you can't be friends,
but we need to put a stop to this wedding.
Think about it.
I need to be alone with my thoughts.
- I think we got him. - That shit you pulled tonight was too far.
I explicitly said no murder.
You pull that shit again and I'm done.
Last I checked, the guy's not dead.
Pfft, vomit.
Hey, Timmy.
Christy?
What are you doing here? Go away, you're gross.
Oh, really?
Is this gross?
Yes.
What about this?
- Uh... - Mm-hmm?
I got something else for you.
Oh.
These, bills to pay!
- What? - Tiffany has horseback riding lessons
and you're behind on the payments.
- No! - I've got bible study.
- What? - That's $60 a day.
For what? That should be free!
Did you pick up the kids from soccer practice?
We don't have kids.
- Timmy, Penelope, Julep, Jeremiah. - Oh, my God!
Andy, and Molly, I'm forgetting someone.
Julep's a Boy Scout now.
- He wants you to be the team leader. - No!
There's some logs that need splitting outside.
Did you think at all about what we talked about last night?
We'll see what happens.
Oh, morning, sunshine.
Glad you could join the men.
Did you get your hair curled just right?
Eat it, dude. I was FaceTiming with Katie and Max.
FaceTiming at Man Camp? Dude, you are so whipped.
What are you doing?
I was just thinking about Katie whipping me
with, like, a little Indiana Jones hat on or something.
That body belongs in a museum.
You guys are going to Hell.
Temple of Do Me.
- Alan still asleep? - Yeah.
We should probably wake him up.
Bear!
Bear, Bear!
Kevin!
Oh, that was so close!
I almost had it!
How long has he been out there?
Like, 45 minutes.
I don't get it, he should have severe hypothermia by now,
like near death.
Man, he's really going for it out there.
I got to hand it to him, I mean,
he might be a dumb ass but he's a committed one.
Yeah, well, you know,
at least somebody's not afraid of commitment.
Is that supposed to make me upset? Because it doesn't.
Getting married, having kids, that's great.
But...
...you're not always going to be there for him,
and I'm not going to put another kid through that.
Look at Kev.
So weird, dude.
This guy's going to be our stepdad?
Dad would be so pissed.
Dad wouldn't be pissed, guys.
What was that, um, that saying that he came up with?
"Never judge a book by its cover."
- Kevin, Dad didn't make that up, that's like... - Literally everyone says that.
- Every dad. - Everyone says that.
Oh, got it! I got one!
- Oh, shit! - I got it!
- Oh! - Oh, my God, it's screaming!
It's screaming! Fish scream?
Oh, my God! Someone, please, help!
- Help! - Not living things, Alan, remember!
Veggies of the sea.
- Ugh! - You got to put it out of its misery, bud.
Most people like...
- Oh! - what?
Wow!
I hope you're happy!
Well done, you sick son of a bitch.
So, let me get this straight.
I said put it out of its misery,
and you first thought is let me bite
this creature's head off like a monster?
Well, it seemed the closest type of death
that it might've faced in the natural world.
I respect that actually.
You know that was a setup, right?
Like a joke we play on people that are stupid enough
to think you can actually catch a fish like that.
Yeah, that part was pretty obvious.
Well, then why didn't you just stand up for yourself?
What, so you could electrocute me on something else?
I went in that water with that ridiculous little spear
to make a statement to you boys
that there's nothing I wouldn't do
to try to make it work with this family, on your terms, not mine.
I'd have stayed out there all night,
until either you broke or I stabbed a damn fish.
I mean, it was supposed to be this big cathartic symbol.
Then I actually pierced one's skin,
and it shrieked, and I just panicked.
Well, well done.
Yeah, thanks.
But if you think it's going to be that easy, you got another thing coming.
You got a lot to live up to
when it comes to marriage number one.
I know he'll always be her soulmate, Tim.
And that's the way it should be.
He must've been a hell of a man.
I... I wish I had met him.
I'm just glad she likes being around me.
Well, I'm going to put on some dry clothes.
Everybody hydrate and tell your wives and kids you love them.
We're going to Curly's.
Come on, you bitch. This is happening, okay?
Don't make me take you by force.
I promised Katie that I would never go back there,
not after last time.
Come on, dude.
The charges were dropped, and the guy didn't die, I mean...
Didn't die? That's your qualification for everything being fine,
- that he didn't die. - How else are we supposed to bond
with wiener lips back here if we don't take him to Curly's?
It's what separates the men from the boys.
Adam, bro.
Fine.
But... phones are locked in the glove box.
No evidence, and two drink max, okay?
Totes, dude.
Two more moonshines, please!
Three, Kevin? Kevin, you having a moonshine?
I switched to water an hour ago.
Kevin switched to water an hour ago.
Could you lift your chin just a little...
Perfect.
Thank you. Where's Alan?
Where's that guy?
Now, dude, if you hurt my mom, she's a good dude.
If you hurt her...
- Wow. - Get it?
Okay, number one, I get what you're saying,
but hold your horses, because I love her, okay?
- Me too, me too. - So if you love someone...
I know you do, and I believe in that,
but if I love someone, I'm not going to hurt someone,
because she's my family, bro. Just like you are.
- You are family. - That's right.
- Never above you, never below you. - That's right.
- Always with you. - That's it.
- I hear, you know... - Ugh!
If somebody... to Katie... if somebody did something...
One time, this guy wrote something
- about her on a bathroom wall, dude. - No way!
- And I was... - Are you serious?
Oh, you, you killed him?
- I wanted to. - Oh.
I almost did. I still almost want to kill him, almost.
- Almost. - I'm going to do it.
I'm going to rough him up!
- I'm going to rough up Eric Brinkerhoff. - Yeah!
- Tim! - Come on!
What do they call a, uh, straight flush?
I think it's a win, right?
Nice, eh. Enjoy the watch.
Thank you, big watch.
- I need your keys. - Ain't happening, bud.
- No, it's just me and Alan just... - All right, who's next?
Me and Alan are going to go rough up Eric,
Eric Brinkerhoff and I need the keys...
Hey, bud, why don't you sober up for a half hour,
then I'll go rough up Eric Brinkerface, okay?
Your wife is hot.
What are you looking at?
This one time, I got to second base with Katie Baker.
Katie Baker is my wife, you asshole!
We got a problem, son?
Second base.
I'm about to rough you up!
Now if I could just get you to,
just turn to the light a little bit.
Cheek down.
- Like this? Mm-hmm. - Absolutely.
Are you sure you never modeled before?
That was good.
You have the brow line of a Nordic queen.
I'm sure you get that all the time.
My daddy said I had the hardest forehead he'd ever seen.
Well, he's not wrong.
It's hard.
And also pensive, inquisitive.
No, I ain't no inquisitiver.
Are you by any chance a Virgo?
Nope, not since I was 15.
Daddy like.
You moron, you brought this on yourself.
Got him, go, go, go run!
I'll be right there! Uh, no.
No, no, no, don't fight it.
Don't fight it.
Holy shit, that was amazing, dude!
Dude, we threw that guy! We threw him!
We threw a guy!
And Alan, Alan with the choke hold, bro!
My man! Alan?
Alan?
We forgot Alan!
Kevin.
What are they doing?
They're probably divvying up his personal effects.
- Yeah! - Now, I'm sure you're all wondering,
what happened to Lumpy's card, and it's right here!
Yeah!
Oh, my ride's here, got to go.
Like hell you do.
Curly, I'd like to buy these sons of bitches a round of drinks.
Yeah!
- Home. - We're home!
Oh, man, I shouldn't have hit those cheese fries.
Where did you learn how to do that?
- What, the rear naked choke? - Yeah.
Oh, your mom and I,
see, we take a self-defense fitness class.
Every Tuesday at 11:30, that's actually,
that's why I go to Shapers,
and it is for women, just so you know, Kev, it is.
But you know what?
Old Tara, she gets a little self-conscious now and then
when she's trying something new, so I said, you know what?
- Taking care of Tara. - Taking care of Tara.
Well, I don't want to start crying,
but you know what I didn't know,
I didn't know that I would be using it like that.
Hiya!
Did anyone get a video?
No, because our phones were all locked in the truck.
- Thanks a lot, Adam. - Oh, Adam.
You're welcome, you guys.
I'll go get them for you guys.
Yeah, Alan, you're my new buddy.
You saved me with chokehold, because... oh, oh, oh.
Oh, it's Alan's phone.
Let's see, my friend Alan, what do you say to my mom?
"Hope you're having a nice time."
That's nice, what else have we got?
Tim, Kevin, I got something to show you guys.
I got something to show you guys.
Want me to roll again for you or?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, man, it feels so good to get a sleep in a bed again.
My man!
Well, boys, last day of Man Camp. Let's make it count.
- Hike up to the Hideaway. - Yeah.
Um, Alan, we're low on water again.
Would you mind running down to the creek
and filling us up before we head out?
Aces.
Dick pic.
Alan is sending dick pics.
See for yourself.
Are you sure that's him?
It's an email from a week ago.
Dude is sending dick pics.
- Gross, is that it? - What do you mean, is that it?
I mean, it's gross that you had see his situation, man,
and thank you for bestowing that honor on the rest of us,
really, thanks, but you know,
it's none of my business if him and Mom want to,
you know, do that.
Yeah, wha... what's the big deal?
Besides having forever X-ray vision into Alan's pants?
You know, that doesn't affect us, so.
Yeah, except that it does.
He's not sending them to Mom.
Check the outgoing message.
He's sending them to some lady named Sheila.
"Wow, that's really big.
You're going to need to come over soon."
What's the big deal?
Alan, how could you do this? How could you do this?
We were blood brothers in a guild.
This isn't a joke, Kevin. Mom's getting played.
D&D is not a joke.
- I'm calling Mom. - Don't call her, okay?
This is a face to face conversation.
We'll tell her when we get home.
Tim, do not call her.
Kevin, come on.
You know, just for the record,
I really like being at the cabin. Oh.
Last day of Man Camp, bud. We hike up to the Hideaway, it's tradition.
- Yeah, I know but I'm just getting a little winded here. - Well, it's good for you.
Gets the heart pumping, blood flowing to the extremities.
I think I need to take a little breather.
There's a lone peak that opens up about a half mile.
I'll meet you up there.
You can't miss it, bulges up from the ground.
Strong, firm, ready to explode.
You'll want a pic of that for sure.
- Dude. - Lone peak.
Meet you guys up there,
right there in your face, can't miss it.
I'm thinking you maybe should go next.
I'll spot you.
I always liked you, Alan.
- Hey. - Howdy, princess.
Alan's getting pretty gassed, I think.
You mean step daddy dick pic?
You got short term memory loss?
I'm not sitting around playing pretend with that little perv, dude.
I was actually starting to think it might be nice to have him around, you know?
Well, you want the truth?
No time like the present.
Hey, boys, there it is.
The lone peak just as described.
Whew, good lord.
- Hey, buddy. - Hello, Tim.
Wasn't, uh, expecting you there.
Do you, uh, do you need something?
Me? No.
No, I'm good.
Yeah, I just didn't know if there was anything you wanted to share with us?
Uh, I don't know what you're referring to.
Nothing you want to get off your chest?
Maybe let us in the loop on?
Um, oh, okay.
Yeah, you got me.
- You have no idea. - No, you're right.
I mean, I shouldn't have tried to keep it to myself.
Yeah, I'm saving it for your mom and I, for this weekend.
- What? - Yeah, it's a Thai stick. But we...
I don't give a shit about your shitty little joint, Alan!
I want you to tell us right now if you've been cheating on our mom.
- Cheating? - We're brothers in a guild.
How could you?
You guys think that I was cheating on your mother?
Read my lips.
- What? - What do you mean, what?
Well, you said read your lips, and then you picked up a rock,
and you threw it, and you hit a...
I know what I said!
I think what he's trying to say,
Alan, is we just want to make sure
that you're fully committed to Mom, and there's not, like,
some other stuff out there, kind of floating around.
You might want to tell us about and be honest.
Well, the answer is,
there's absolutely no one besides your mother
that I would like to spend
even a second of the rest of my life with.
That's really the way I feel, and I don't appreciate you...
You're so full of shit, dude.
- Guys, what is this? - Don't be such an asshole, man.
You know what you did, just admit it.
I honestly have no idea what you guys are talking about. Kevin?
I'm so confused because you're such a great guy, Alan,
and you're, like, pretty much my best friend...
but the pictures on your phone.
What?
You heard what he said, we know.
Guys, come on, that's something that I can explain if you want...
We don't need your Goddamn explanation, man.
Okay, we just want you to get the hell out of here
and leave our family alone.
You know, if you would stop
this macho barbarian bullshit for one second
and just listen to what I have to say, I can explain this.
You leave my mom alone.
She's already married to someone who even if he is six feet underground,
is more of a man than you'll ever be.
Okay, okay.
That's fine.
You know, I know that I'll never be
what you guys want me to be,
but did you ever think for even a second
that maybe your dad wasn't perfect?
Maybe that he actually had some problems of his own?
- Careful, man. - You're old enough to know this,
that this impossible standard
that you're holding me to is not real.
Why don't you ask your mom what really happened?
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about your dad, Tim.
He didn't have cancer, okay?
It was liver failure.
He was an alcoholic.
But so what?
I mean, that doesn't change the fact
that he was a great dad.
But this superhuman person
that you guys keep comparing me to doesn't exist.
He was broken just like the rest of us,
and you made him out to be this person that...
Get out.
- I'm... - Just go!
- Shit. - What?
Alan had the poles.
Cirrus cloud.
It's more of a stratus.
See, it's flat on top.
Hmm.
You think it's true what Alan said about Dad?
I don't know.
Even if it was, what would it change?
Everything.
He could've still been here with us.
It would've been his fault that he's not.
He could've given us more time.
Yeah.
It's crazy, you know...
to see all your friends grow up...
get to know their parents, you know, as people or whatever.
We're never going to get that with Dad.
He's just, always going to be a kid version.
I know, like, a lot of that stuff is shitty or whatever,
but I just wish he could see us as men, you know?
I know after 12 years we should be over it or whatever, but..
I still miss him, every day.
This new guy comes in and...
I just want Dad.
Me, too.
Me, three.
I do want Mom to be happy though.
Well, maybe she'll find another guy next year.
Imagine if we had a year to plan?
Dude, you're such a dick.
You guys might hate me, but I'm going to miss Alan.
He was nice to have around.
I know, Kevin, he's not who we thought he was.
I'm sure Mom will find somebody else.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Ants, ants, ants!
- Oh, oh shit. - Dammit, Kevin!
There's no ants, dude.
What did you do?
I may or may not have sent the, uh...
I was blinded by rage. There's no way of knowing for sure.
- Sweetie, I tried calling you all last night. - Stay away from me!
I don't want to hear it from you, I just want you to go.
But babe, I can totally explain those pictures.
Do not call me babe!
- I thought you were a decent man. - I am a decent man.
No, no, no, save it!
God, I should've known.
I never should've gotten involved with you.
I found the love of my life once,
that should've been enough.
I need you to stay away from my boys, just...-
just stay away from them!
Kevin, get in the car!
But I don't... I don't have my stuff.
No, Timmy and Adam will bring it. Get in the car, now!
See you, Kevin.
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
Have you suffered horrible side effects
from brand name treatments?
If you're ready to try something different
and get your sex life back, call me, Dr. Sheila Sterns today.
You can call anytime, day or night.
Or call our 24 hour hotline, I will pick up.
Oh, shit.
- What's up, bro? - Sheila is a dick doctor.
- Shut up. - No, dude.
I just literally saw a commercial on TV. I called the hotline,
and they said you could literally
send her a picture of your penis.
Think about it, he sends a picture.
She says, "That's so big, you need to come in right now."
Holy shit, you're right.
What are we going to do?
Well, we got to fix it, now.
What time are you up in the morning?
Don't you have classes or something?
Dude, I've had enough credits
to graduate for a year and a half.
Wow, uh, okay.
Um, so are you going to, like, use your degree for your job or?
- Don't push it, bro. - Right, right, right.
- What time? - Uh, how 'about seven? Pick you up at seven?
- Be here at four. - That's in, like, an hour.
I knew it, I knew Alan would never send sex mails
to some woman named Sheila.
Yeah, Kevin, I think we all got a little carried away.
Now, if it were Katie.
Stop talking about my wife. Here's the plan.
Kevin, you know Alan better than anybody,
so you and Tim are going to go find him,
apologize, and bring him back here.
Apologize?
I don't know what that means.
Just do it, asshole.
Sounds good to me.
- Let's do it. - Put the sword down, Kev.
So, where are we going?
It's 11:30, Tuesday afternoon.
Do I have to spell it out for you?
From the top and punch.
Yes, oh, you're doing so good.
Show me that body, yes!
Knee, double knee, harder, harder, Leslie!
Harder, not that hard, Leslie.
Don't poop on the floor, don't poop on the floor.
Elbow, one, two. Do it again.
If somebody comes to attack you, what do you do?
We take it from the punch and over.
And over, keep going, yes!
Up, yes, keep going.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Whoa! - No, no!
I don't think I'm ready to die, please don't, I'm innocent!
- Oh, my God. - Go down, Mimi boy.
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
This is normal! This is normal!
Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!
Seven, eight, and one, and two.
Yeah. So.
Well, I feel like a B-I-T-C-H.
It's not your fault.
You know, we kind of set you up.
The good news is, now things can go back
to the way they were before, you know?
You really think he's going to take me back after me
treating him like a sexual predator for three weeks?
Yeah, totally.
- Chill, it's okay, we're helping. - What the hell?
You can breathe,
if you can talk, you can breathe.
Okay, okay, okay.
Sorry, Al.
Oh, that's okay.
- Oh, sweetie. - So, happy family, huh?
- Listen... - Look...
No, you start.
I am so sorry, I feel like a complete fool.
- If you want nothing to do with me, I completely... - Shh, shh, shh.
I waited 53 years to find someone to fall in love with.
I don't think I have another 53 years
to wait to see if it happens again.
I love you.
- I love you. - Mm.
Cut him free, dude.
What, so they can do whatever they want with their hands?
No dice, bro.
Let's go.
Happy family.
Go!
It's okay.
- Hey. - Hey, Kev.
What happened to the cape?
I don't need it anymore.
To Alan.
To Dad.
To family.
Hey, Tim.
She's right behind me, isn't she?
- Christy. - I was just coming over to say hi,
and see how you're doing.
- Really good. - Good.
Uh, your mom said college is going great.
Yeah.
She keeps talking about it.
Um, all right, well, have a good night.
You, too.
Hold this.
I thought she was gross?
Don't be stupid.
She's the perfect woman.
That's why I could never be with her.
It'd be all over.
So?
I don't know, maybe it's too late.
Kevin, tell him what you told me.
The only place where dreams become impossible
is in your own mind.
Go get them.
Hey, um...
- I think she has a boyfriend. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Let's just let it play out.
I kept those letters.
Oh, I'm sure they're awful.
Pretty good, one in particular was like...
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to kiss you."
Okay, um...
Hey, hey, that's my girlfriend, you son of a bitch!
It's too late, it's too late!
- Not now, Christy. - Stop, stop, stop.
Andrew!
No, no, no, no. Go to sleep, go to sleep.
Go, buddy, go, go, go.
That's two, well, let's party!