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♪ We've come A long, long way together ♪
♪ Through the hard times And the good ♪
♪ I have to Celebrate you, baby ♪
♪ I have to praise you Like I should... ♪
Now time for the man you've all been waiting for.
He is the king of the high street.
He's the Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of retail.
He's the Da Vinci of dealmaking.
And he's the Monet of money.
Sir Richard McCreadie!
Thank you very much, Caroline.
In that wonderful Monda dress, you look knockout.
When I was at school, my, uh, schoolteacher used to read us
a fairy tale at the end of the day.
And my favorite fairy tale was
"The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg."
That's what Monda is to me.
Monda is the golden goose,
and I love the eggs that it lays.
Tonight, we're gonna reward the shining stars. First up,
Distribution Team Leader of the Year,
and that is Amanda Conrad.
Here's 10,000 pounds for you to distribute.
Lifetime Achievement Award
goes to Philip Walker.
I think I should've got this one, to be honest.
I'm sure you put a few hours in yourself. Congratulations.
Next is Buyer of the Year,
for driving the hardest bargains in the business.
Glad I don't have to deal with him.
Good friend of mine, Michael Harris.
Well done. Well done. Here you go.
This year, I'm delighted to announce
that Monda have paid out the biggest dividend
that any private company has ever paid.
One-point-two billion pounds to be paid to our owner
and my very own billion-dollar babe, Samantha.
Um, wow, that is a really big check.
I don't know what to do with all those zeros.
But, um, I feel like we've earned it,
so thank you so much to Rich, and thank you to everybody.
You guys, you know, you've all worked so hard,
and this is for all of you.
I mean... No, not literally, but I mean, thank you.
Thank you.
What a mess.
Why did he need to build an amphitheater?
It was a crazy idea. Too ambitious.
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
- What? - Oh, nothing.
On Friday night for the welcoming drinks,
we are at the Jackie O' Bar. Nice and informal.
That's where Pixie Lott and Fatboy Slim will be playing.
- Oh, great. Yeah. - Yeah. Um, on Saturday,
we're going to bring the grand piano
to the Oasis Pool for Elton.
Then Sunday daytime we're going to go to the arena
for the gladiator games,
- as you requested. - Yay!
And Sunday night, down by the beach, Coldplay.
What's he saying?
Why are you shrugging? What's he saying?
- Don't know. - You don't know? Why?
He's Bulgarian. I'm Greek.
- You don't understand it? - No.
Fucking hell, Giannis, man!
There is more than one type of foreign language.
I know that. I'm not an idiot. Why are you hiring Bulgarians?
They're cheap. That's why.
It's slow, Giannis. The whole lot.
They never made an amphitheater before.
Yeah, I've never made an amphitheater before, obviously.
This our main beach.
Yeah.
Nice.
Who are they?
They... They are camping.
What is it, Duke of Edinburgh?
- Syrian refugees. - Poor things.
They've come a long way. They won't mind going further.
- Rich. - What?
They're refugees.
They can find refuge somewhere
that isn't smack bang in the middle of our fucking view.
In Greece, all beaches are public.
It's not me. It's my guests.
Some of them are very superficial.
It's just, all I can see is plywood, mate.
I'm really anxious. This is... It's not finished.
Don't worry. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Yeah, but this is... This is a tiny little bit of Rome,
and you've had 10 days.
We could make a virtue of it being half built.
The ruins of an ancient amphitheater.
No. No ruins.
No ruins. Melanie, tell him why.
One photo, and it's an easy tabloid headline.
The end of an empire. Fiddling while Rome burns.
- Handing it to them on a plate. - I know.
They're already like flies on shit.
Sorry. I am joking. It will be finished.
Actually, Rich, from this angle, it looks very...
- It's very imperial. - Ohh...
Those who are about to die salute you.
Go on, then. Die.
I'm dying.
Nah, you can die better than that. Die again, but better.
I'm dying.
What's wrong with him? Looks like a rescue cat
that needs to be put down.
I warned you, they don't like being moved.
It takes time for them to settle.
We've not brought him to go on a yoga retreat.
- He's supposed to be scary. - When did you get here?
Last week. All this banging and clattering
isn't helping, all right?
What is this?
- It's... - It's like some sort of prison.
We need something to pep him up a bit. Some cocaine.
The kitchen staff have some. I was told.
What he needs is a sedative, if anything.
- Mum! - Oh, Nanny's here now.
- She's still alive. - Come here. Come here.
- Ah, Ricky. - Ah! All right, Finn.
- Hi, Dad. Yeah, go on. - Where's your big brother?
Adrian's busy working.
- He works too hard. - He'll be here on the night.
- He's a grafter, like his dad. - Yeah.
- Why have you got the lion? - It's for the gladiator games.
We're recreating Gladiator, like we used to.
It was tigers, not lions, in Gladiator.
That film was littered with inaccuracies.
Don't get me started on Gladiator.
We want it to be authentic.
- What's his name? - Clarence.
Hiya.
Schoolboy error.
Never ever show fear to a lion.
Lions can smell fear.
I'm like that. I can smell fear.
What you doing lurking around like a tabloid hack?
Uh, I'm Nick, the writer.
- Your biographer. - Yeah, I know who you are.
I was asking what the fuck you're doing.
Rich, don't frighten Nick. He's on your side.
Thank you, Sir Richard, for appearing before us today.
I wasn't aware I had a choice.
Retail fashion is a huge global industry.
In the UK alone, it's worth
an estimated 60 billion pounds annually.
The owner of H&M is the richest man in Sweden.
The owner of Zara is one of the richest men in the world.
You are Britain's equivalent.
Famous for owning several high-street brands,
including Monda and of course M&J.
Last year, M&J went bankrupt with the loss of 11,000 jobs.
- A lot of those were part-time. - You've been described
as the unacceptable face of capitalism. Is that fair?
Have you taken a look in the mirror?
You've been described as, uh, "Sir Greedy,"
uh, "Sir Shifty,"
"Greedy McCreadie."
Been calls for you to be stripped of your knighthood.
Sir Richard, what would you say to that?
Envy and jealousy, my doctor tells me,
are incurable diseases. I've done nothing wrong.
Yes, you have.
- Get off him, you bitch! - Disgusting man.
Do you know what you've...? Get off!
I hate those shites that try to embarrass my son in public.
- Scum of the earth. - Where is my job?
- Opportunistic bitch. - Where are our jobs?
How old are you, Nick?
- I'm 44. - Mm, you look...
- You look half that. - Oh, thank you very much.
You have very pale skin. Like a baby.
Um, ahem, so...
- So you are writing Ricky's book? - That's right.
If you're gonna write something, make sure it's good.
- Well, I'll try. - No, you can't try.
You gotta be able to do it.
You either do it or you can't do it.
Can you write the book, Nick?
Uh, yes. Yes, I can.
- Is that a "yes" I heard? - Yes.
Yes, that's fine.
My son Ricky, he pretends that he's...
He's... You know, he's cocky and loud
and all of that stuff, but he isn't really.
He's very sensitive, very, very shy.
Very shy little boy, he was, when he was at school, you know.
Much more sensitive than people think.
You know, he hides it with all his bluster.
Roll up for the amazing Señor Ricardo, aka Tricky Dicky.
Have you got a coin, Lewis, that I could borrow for this trick?
Thank you very much. Oh, we have 50 English pence.
Big spender. Now, watch carefully.
Well, as carefully as you can with your rubbish eyes,
as I make your coin...
disappear.
- Yeah! - Watch again
as I weave another spell,
make it come back. You ready?
You're up, Greedy.
Ah, shit. Sorry, Lewis.
I guess your coin's gone forever.
- Hey, that was my 50p. - It's vanished into the ether.
There's a very fine line between magic and tragic.
Always makes me laugh how everyone always thinks of him
as this sort of barrow boy, just because he left school at 16,
but, heh, it was a private school.
You know? And the two of us, we hated it.
Run, McCreadie!
- Can't. - No such word as "can't."
Yes, there is, sir. It's what the others call you.
At least it sounds like "can't."
Out.
When you've changed,
you can go to the headmaster's office.
Stop, sir. Stop, please.
Why, McCreadie?
You're tickling me, sir.
- Greedy! - You can fuck off.
Things definitely got worse when his dad died.
I mean, it was like school was some prison for him.
He was just...
...you know, waiting to bust out.
- We might have to sell the house. - No. I can leave school.
Use the money you spend on the fees to pay for the mortgage.
Your daddy wanted you to have an education.
He believed in education.
He's not here now, is he? He's in the car in front.
I want you to be a success.
I want you to go to Oxford or Cambridge.
I want you to be able to do whatever you want to do.
And I just wanna make money
so I can do whatever I want to do.
How did he get the nickname "Greedy"?
Greedy McCreadie.
I mean, he chose the name.
It was his gambling name.
- Ladies, Lewis. - Piss off.
- Right, faites vos jeux. - What does that mean?
It's French for "place your fucking bets."
Cards was his thing. Even back then,
it was about gambling, it was about making money.
Who's gonna get it?
Okay, here we go.
Oh, has he gone bust? Ah, yes, he has.
That's all mine. Thank you very much.
- McCreadie. Gambling? - Lewis, thank you.
How can it be gambling when I always win?
It is more like robbery.
- Hand it over. - Sir, what are you doing?
Sir, no, no, no, no! Sir, I'm the banker!
- It is against school rules. - It's my money.
- No, this is mine. - I'm confiscating it.
What are you gonna do with it? Buy a toothbrush?
I'm gonna pay it to your mother and watch her dance.
I'm afraid at this school, we expect the highest standards
of behavior and achievement.
Is that why you hit children? Is that your high standard?
Corporal punishment is a necessary evil...
You're an unnecessary evil, hm?
Ricky, let's get out of here.
We don't need these people. We don't need this school.
I know your sort. You're the sort that used to put up
"no Irish, no blacks, no dogs" signs, hm?
I met plenty of people like you when I came to London.
Now look at me. Take a good look.
I've got much more money than most of them have
and a bloody sight more than you.
Bye.
Goodbye, Mrs. McCreadie.
The mother is worse than the son.
Bloody stuck-up English gits.
- We're gonna show them. - We are gonna be fine, Ricky.
We'll be more than fine.
Fuck them.
Fuck all of them.
- One more time. One more time. - Oh, no, no.
- Got it. - It's simple.
You know it's simple. Follow the queen.
Mm-hm.
Watch... the... queen.
Follow her like a corgi humping her leg.
- Right, Eric, where's the queen? - Heh-heh. Hm...
That one?
Balls. Every time. I don't know how you do it.
- Eric! - Come on, give me a fiver.
I've gotta go see my supplier.
- Drug supplier? - I don't need drugs.
I am fucking drugs.
What a prat.
♪ That's what I want ♪
- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's... ♪
So you're... You're one of his oldest friends, his mentor.
He didn't need a mentor.
He was his own man from the start.
He had an instinct, a talent.
What do you want for this lot?
- Ten grand. - We both know this is shit.
I'll give you 4, and you'll shake my hand and kiss my arse.
If it's shit, then why do you want it?
- Four grand. - There's 500 items there.
Yeah, 500 items of shit. I'll give you 4 grand.
- You just gonna keep saying 4? - I can say 3 if you like. Three.
- I can't do 4. - Right. I've heard enough.
Okay, 4.
♪ London calling To the faraway towns ♪
♪ Now war is declared And battle come down... ♪
- How are you? - Hello, mate. You all right?
- And the back pain? - Yeah.
- Yeah, spasm? - Yeah.
When these are done, can you send them there?
That's it, pull up. Go there and we'll back you in.
Hey!
Just wait a second. Mate, what are you doing?
- Nothing. - Well, I don't care. Move!
Back, back, back. Keep moving, keep moving.
- Move! I've got a shop, wanker! - It'd make more sense.
Welcome to Impresse, where we will dress you for less.
Don't discount us because it's discount.
Do not judge it because it's budget.
Sir, why did the chicken cross the road?
Because we're selling the same clothes
at a fraction of the price.
Oh, is it a bit quiet?
Let me go inside. I'll see if I've got any spare customers.
Let me just squeeze in. Unh!
When he got going, Maggie Thatcher came to power,
Ronnie Reagan came to power. The market was king. It was god.
And... And Rich is a great market trader.
Drives a hard bargain.
Too hard, some would say.
Was it always obvious that he was gonna be a success?
- Heh, it was to him. - Huh.
He was always a cocky bugger.
Thirteen.
Can we get a bottle of champagne?
Of course, sir.
Fifteen.
- Seventeen. - Yes!
What's the average wage in Leicester?
I don't know. Three quid an hour.
Two eighty-eight. What is the average wage
- in Sri Lanka? Go on. - I have no idea. Uh...
- Quarter of that or something? - Fifty p.
Well, I was not that far off, was I?
- Plus transport costs... - No, no, no.
Not 50p an hour, 50p a day.
Imagine that. Imagine how many dresses
I can get made for 50p a day.
♪ There's a knock On the door... ♪
- You the big boss? - Yes, I am.
Good to meet you. Sorry about the clammy hands.
- That would be $12. - You are shitting me.
I could get this done cheaper in London without leaving my home
and eating my three-star hotel's dysentery omelet.
- Twelve dollars. - There's a guy down the road
who said he'd do it for 5, so you can go fuck yourself.
- Nine dollars. - Shake my hand on 5.
Nine is the best we can offer.
You will not get cheaper anywhere.
I bloody well will.
Eleven a pair.
- Five. - Eleven.
Who do you think I am?
I don't know. Who are you?
You're sweating a lot. Are you okay?
Yes, I'm fucking fine.
- Six. - Eleven.
- Seven. - Eleven.
- Do I look like a mug? - What?
Come on. Nod your head and shake my hand at 8.
- Eight. - There. Even at 8,
you're putting me out of business.
City Hotel. City Hotel.
It's like a fucking sauna in here.
Fucking hell. Left! Left!
Right, how much is that?
- Two hundred, sir. - What?
I'm not paying 200 for a near-death experience.
- Two hundred. - Okay, look.
I like your bargaining. I'll give you 30.
You can pay 200 rupees.
- Not enough paying 20 rupees. - Okay, I...
Thank you. I'm not gonna pay 200 rupees.
Okay, okay, how about 50? I'll give you 50.
And then we'll go inside, and I'll...
- Fifty not enough. Give him 200. - Two hundred rupees.
It's not gonna be 200. I'll give you 60,
and then we'll just shake hands here.
We'll shake hands here on 60, and it'll be fine.
Only one kilometer, 60 rupees.
How many kilometer you have come? You can pay now.
- Okay. Right. You know what? - My friend.
I'm gonna... Sorry. Let me through. Let me through.
I paid the man! Get off me!
Get... Get off me! All right, fuck off.
Fuck off. Fuck off!
Excuse me. Get off. Get...
- Get off me! - Two hundred, 200, 200!
Fuck off. Fucking hell.
And we're running.
So in your own time.
Oh, the, um, lens cap's on.
Thank you. Uh, lens cap removal mastered.
Happy birthday, Rich.
You know, life begins at 60.
You have a great party.
Hi, darling.
Very nice indeed.
What, me or the boat?
Well, both, but I meant the boat.
- Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you, darling.
This is Francois, my new man.
- Hello. - What's that over there?
- Oh, it's mine. - Francois loves to sail.
Yeah, I like to feel the sea, feel the waves.
Oh, yeah, when I wanna feel the sea or feel the waves,
I just go for a swim in the sea.
Go on, get inside.
- Daddy. - Hello, gorgeous. Come here.
- I'm Demetrious, hotel manager. - Hi. Efcharistó.
- Fabian, Daddy. - All right, mate.
- How you doing? - Nice shirt. Bit loud.
- Let's get a drink. - Lead on. Don't film me!
Film them, but don't film me.
- Here? - Yeah, that's lovely.
All right, so, uh, yeah, action. When you're ready, guys.
I know I screwed up,
but maybe I'm not the person I thought I am.
Sorry. May... Sorry.
Maybe I'm not the person I thought you were.
- Sorry. The fuck is my line? - All right, cut.
- Sorry. - Okay. No. No, no.
Lily, you're doing great. Fabian, buck the fuck up, mate.
- Right. Um... - Please tell him his line.
- Do you know what the line is? - Obviously not.
Okay. Uh, all right, so, um...
It's "Maybe I'm not the person you thought I was." Yeah?
- Okay. I gotcha. - Yeah? Brilliant.
Okay.
- All right, turning? - Yeah, speeding.
Okay. Excellent. Action!
I know I screwed up,
but maybe I'm not the person I thought I am.
- Oh, Christ! - Sorry. Maybe...
Giannis!
- Hello? - What's happening?
You like it?
Have you looked at the plans?
What's going in the gap?
I don't know. I thought it's on the drawing.
It is not on the drawings!
This is not on the drawings, what I'm looking at here.
Arch, gap, arch is not on the drawings.
He's gonna fucking crucify me!
Could be part of the games, maybe.
Very funny, Giannis.
Fortunately, I don't think you've got the wherewithal
to make a workable fucking cross!
What's wrong, Lily? Tell me all about it.
It's just Fabian.
We're going through a bit of a...
A bit of a rough patch, and he makes me sad.
I thought that was just part of the show.
For the TV, for the filming.
You're really going out with Fabian?
- Yes. - Oh!
No.
Oh, I don't know. I mean...
I mean, it is scripted, but...
Why are you crying?
Well, it's method.
We have to stay in character, even off set.
But you're playing yourself, Lily.
Think about it.
You are your character.
- I know. But... - Yes. Mm-hm.
I have to find myself.
Which is harder than I thought.
Excuse me. Do you know the way to the Poseidon Terrace?
Yeah, it's just... Do you know what, I'll take you.
Oh, thanks. You're from England?
- Yeah. Leicester. - Leicester. Heh.
- Do you follow the football? - Uh... No.
Me, neither. That's a relief.
Because that's pretty much all the footie chat I've got.
On the other hand, if you want to ask me
about Richard III's body being discovered
in a car park in Leicester, fire away.
So he wants it to be epic.
- Great. - Fucking epic, to be exact.
Fucking epic's my middle name.
The Great Gatsby meets Gladiator
- meets The Godfather. - Mm-hm.
And other films beginning with G.
Goodfellas, Gone with the Wind, um, Grease.
Oh, hi. You all right?
- Hi. - Hi.
Come join us. Have a seat.
- Thank you. - I'm glad you met Amanda.
You should interview her for your book.
Oh, really? Why is that?
She used to work for M&J before it shut down.
- In one of the shops. - Now she works for me.
Ah, so you're part of the family.
The McCreadie family.
- Not really. - If it's a family,
it's a dysfunctional one.
How long have you been part of it?
Since Samantha's 40th birthday party.
What kind of budget you thinking for the party?
- Oh, whatever it takes. - A million pounds.
What? It's my 40th, babes.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
For the whole party or just the music?
Well, what do we need?
- Well, it depends who you like. - Mm-hm. What about Elton?
- John? - Mm, there's only one Elton.
That's doable. We've used Elton a few times.
- How much? - How much?
- He's a million to sing. - Pounds?
- Dollars. - Well, it's not bad.
His costs are on top of that, obviously.
- How much are they? - He needs a jet,
his tour manager, his sound crew.
- Mariah Carey, when she came... - Oh, my God!
I love Mariah Carey. Oh!
- ...she brought all her dogs. - She did?
- Mm. - How many dogs?
- Quite a few. - Hm.
Mm, and Diana Ross, when she came,
she brought her whole family for a 10-day holiday.
Well, give an inch, take a fucking mile.
Yeah. Crazy.
- What about Robbie Williams? - He's a million.
Robbie Williams is the same as Elton?
- Yeah. - Got a fucking nerve.
What about Shakira?
What's...? What's her quote looking like? Shakira.
Shakira? Around the same.
Probably go up to about 3 for a package.
- About 3 million for a package. - What?
- Are you fucking... Three million? - Shakira?
She doesn't even wear shoes when she sings.
Let's just, um, park Shakira and Beyoncé for a moment.
Have you got anything around...
Imagine parking Shakira and Beyoncé.
- ...the half a million mark? - There's a thought.
- Hard to park Beyoncé. - 500K?
How much is Tom Jones?
Uh, He would be around sort of 350.
- Three-fifty. - That's it?
- We can have Tom Jones! - A bargain.
We'll have two Tom Jones.
And it's been pretty full-time ever since.
We've been working on this party for over a year.
- What's that Greek word? - Taramosalata.
- No, not any Greek word, moron. - Hubris.
- That's it. - Yes, hubris.
Pride comes before a fall.
Aristotle said that.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think it's Aesop, actually.
- Do you? - I've got the drive
- with the happy birthdays. - Oh, great. That's good.
Ever since he got hauled over the coals
at the Select Committee, he's just been obsessed with it.
He wants it to repair his reputational damage, you know.
He wants it to show everyone he's still the boss.
Now, M&J isn't the first company of yours to go bankrupt, is it?
In 1977, you set up Harston.
It closed with debts of 235,000 pounds and assets of 436.
In 1981, you started JM Jeans.
It was wound up for not paying bills.
So was Wincraft, another of your companies.
In 1995, you bought a chain of department stores.
Five years later, that chain had disappeared
from the high street. Then there were the jewelers
you bought off the bank when you persuaded them to discount
6 million pounds of debt down to 3 million.
They went into liquidation.
I'm an entrepreneur.
I take risks. Some you win, some you don't.
Well, indeed. In 1990, you launched Xcellent.
Um... Um, okay, so I was thinking possibly...
I was thinking a natural oak for the back.
If that's not quite right, we've...
A sort of darker walnut we have.
That is the color of posh shit.
- Okay. Um... - What else you got?
Well, we've got lots here.
Uh, actually, a muted blue.
Fuck muted. I don't want muted.
Did Marcel Marceau ever sell
a single pair of black-and-white tights?
No. I don't want muted. I want noise.
- I'm in the business of loud. - Right.
What's that?
- That's fuchsia. - Yeah, fuchsia.
Fuchsia's a bit in-your-face. That's...
I want in-your-face. I am in-your-fucking-face.
Fuchsia. You're brand manager.
You're supposed to understand about interior design.
You can't get more interior than fuchsia.
I mean, it's the actual color of a twat, isn't it?
I mean, that is nature's interior design.
It... It draws you in. It's biology. It's...
I mean, fuchsia's French for "fuck me," isn't it?
You know, it's funny, um, hearing people refer to him
as the king of the high street. I mean...
look at all those early shops he bought.
They were absolutely terrible.
Oh, Christ on a bike, Neil.
What am I gonna say about this?
I don't... Well, I was hoping you'd like it,
but it doesn't sound like...
- Is something wrong? - Something's wrong. Yeah.
Um, too many clothes? Too few clothes, perhaps?
Oh, shall I put you out of your misery?
- Yeah? - Please.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
That'd involve me performing a very late abortion.
- Heh. - Don't laugh. This is not banter.
This is me bollocking you. Can you not read people?
No. Uh, yes, I can.
You can't. Otherwise, you'd stop talking.
What else can't you read, Neil?
You can't read the fucking name of the fucking shop.
It's white on white. In other words, it's shite on shite.
That is Page 1 of the manual, isn't it?
In fact, it's the front cover of the fucking book.
Name recognition.
Yep.
If you don't sort this out,
the writing is on the wall for you.
Except it won't be white on white. It'll be red on brown.
You know what those colors are for, Neil?
Uh, is it blood and poo?
Yeah, correct. Well done. There's hope for you yet, Neil.
This is positive reinforcement. This is me motivating you.
I want this window to scream "Xcellent."
If it doesn't scream "Xcellent," I'm gonna scream at you,
except it won't be "Xcellent," will it?
- No. - No, it'll be the word "cunt."
I'll be screaming it so fucking loud
that it will melt that misshapen slab of Spam you call a face,
and then I'll put you in there and use you as a mannequin.
At least then you'll be some fucking use to me.
- Yeah. - And remember,
mannequins don't have cocks, do they?
No, they don't.
- What do they have instead? - I suppose
- sort of smooth bumps, really. - Smooth bumps. Right.
So if you don't wanna swap your cock for a smooth bump,
what are you gonna do?
Sort this out?
- Yeah, sort this out. - Yeah.
All right. Cheers.
Xcellent went bankrupt with 13 million pounds of debt.
You've got burnt orange next to red.
I mean, that's just... It clashes.
Whose fucking idea was fucking fuchsia?
Don't know what you're fucking laughing at.
Giving me a fucking migraine.
Oh, Christ, it...
It's like being trapped inside a-a-a giant vagina
full of discount clothes.
Thought these would have sold well.
I think I need them.
Oh, that's better.
- Where's Neil? - He's off with his nerves.
"Off with his nerves." Off with his fucking head.
I'm gonna tell you something, but please don't freak out.
That'll have the opposite effect, saying that.
- Then freak out, if you want. - Spit it out.
Our A-listers are dropping like flies.
- What? - They're not coming.
That's the point, to make us look good.
- I know, I know. - What about Leo?
He says he's got a shoot.
Some fucking PR pixie's bent his ear.
- Fucking bear-shagging twat. - Hi.
- My friend, money. - Sorry.
- I haven't got any, all right? - Money, money!
I'm wearing swimming shorts.
Where am I gonna hide money? Up me arsehole?
Wait. Why don't we tell them about the refugees
and turn the Coldplay gig into a benefit?
What are you doing, Giannis?
Giannis?
- We're tying it down. - Why?
It's getting very windy.
Maybe could blows it away.
It's a windy island. What we can do?
Yep.
Mykonos is very famous for the wind.
Yeah.
- This is your young man, huh? - Yes, this is Francois.
Hello. I'm very happy to meet you.
The pleasure's all mine, Francoise.
No, it's Francois. Otherwise, I would be a girl.
- Ha-ha! - Get it right, Mum.
Where are the children?
Finn sleeps all day.
He's pale. He looks like a vampire.
Lily was here, but she's off with the reality TV show.
Oh, what's that about? Why would you want
your life splashed all over the telly, Francoise?
- Beats me. - It's good for her.
It gives her something to do, keeps her grounded.
- Keeps her grounded? - Yeah. Yeah.
Look at the Kardashians.
Kylie Jenner's got a billion Instagram followers.
- She's on the cover of Forbes. - Well, she must be
a very good person, very successful...
She's richer than you, sweetie.
- She's worth a lot. Yes. - That's not true, is it?
- It's true. - Can't be true.
She's richer than you.
Is that a push-up bra, or are they new?
Are those teeth fake? Put them in the glass. Take them out.
- Yeah, they cost 20 grand. - Well, these cost 10K.
Where'd you get those from? Discount Tits R Us?
You haven't seen them. They're amazing.
I have fantastic tits. Tell him I have fantastic tits.
Chicken for you.
- Hi! - And chicken...
- Chicken for you. - How about some chicken?
What about biscuits? Do we have any biscuits?
There you go.
They seem delighted. I would be.
Okay, great. And cut. Uh, okay, we're gonna reset.
We'll come in for a close-up. If you could get the food back.
So just remember who you gave it to.
Just need to take this back.
Hey, sorry.
- Hey, you're getting them... - Aah!
- Chill! I'm gonna give it... - What are you doing? Hey!
Look, you're gonna get it back!
What are you doing? We don't need this food then.
- You're gonna get it back. - Wild misunderstanding.
We're just resetting.
There's a lot of them, isn't it?
Shit, are they filming this?
This time, when we give you the food,
if you could just be happy. Smiling.
- Happy. - Is that okay?
- Let's do it. Not really okay. - Great.
Okay, great. When you're ready, head on in.
Hi.
Would you like some chicken?
- Yummy. Delicious. - Yeah.
Not laughing. It's not funny.
It's... It's happy.
- Excuse me. - That's good, huh?
- That's a bit much. - Oi!
Maybe smile a bit less than that. Just a bit less.
That's lovely. Perfect, see?
I'm afraid we have to ask you to go.
No, we are not going to leave. It's public beach.
Yeah, it's a public beach, but to visit, not to stay.
There are hungry children here that we're trying to feed.
Look at me. We have right to stay here.
- You don't. - Your father asked us...
- A baby is crying. - I've got instructions.
There are children here! Poor children we're trying to feed!
Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.
Look, we're allowed to film here!
Look, there's a baby!
Hey, let's chill out, chill out.
And he's crying!
Yeah, just... Thanks. Let's do this nicely.
Let's everyone go.
We don't want trouble.
- Aw... - Have you ever seen
a baby cry like that?
I know. You're very charitable.
Let us go. Let us go.
It's all right. It's okay.
- Fantastic. Got all of that. - I'm gonna have a panic attack.
You can't have tents here.
- You have to move. - I was trying to help!
I know. I saw.
Sorry. There's so much stuff.
I should probably have kept a log,
but you know what it's like.
Would have been a good idea,
or if you had labeled any of the footage.
The chaos of war.
Not really a war, was it?
I think maybe, when I thought I was turning it off,
- I was turning it on. - No, definitely. Yeah.
Oh, there's one.
Say "Happy birthday, Sir Richard."
Happy birthday, Sir Richard!
Hiya.
Oh, hi. Thanks.
How's it going?
- Fine. - Hi.
This is the next factory.
I know that place.
- It's in Sri Lanka. - Yeah. How do you know?
My Aunt Amali works there.
- Thought you were from Leicester. - My uncle adopted me
- when I was 7. - So your uncle's in Leicester
- and your aunt's in Sri Lanka? - Different uncle.
- She still works there? - Yeah.
Well, she might be in this footage. Hold on.
How much is there?
All the footage in the world.
You know, I was hired as a writer.
When I write, there's ink in the pen.
Yes, that's definitely one.
Right, I'm rolling.
"Happy birthday, Sir Richard."
Happy birthday, Sir Richard.
No, no. No, she's not there.
- There's a bit more. - Is that...?
I think I might have gone to the loo.
- I'll just... - Skip forward a bit.
That's not nice.
Where are all the others, Giannis?
- They don't come. - Why?
They heard about the double money, so they won't come.
What do you mean? That should make them want to come.
They are Bulgarians. Only Greeks getting double money.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Giannis, man!
Tell them they'll get the money!
Get them down here! We'll give them double money!
- Go and get them, Giannis! - They won't come!
Why?
They already have different jobs.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Fucking donkey fuck, Giannis!
Fucking arsehole!
Bell end!
Prick, Giannis!
Prick!
- Have we come at a bad time? - Yes, it's a bad time!
It's always a bad fucking time!
It's very much bad o'clock!
Fucking Giannis!
Fucking twerp!
You know this word, Giannis? Twerp!
You wrote the fucking book on it! Bell end!
I look like I've had a fight with a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together.
Oh, very good. Very good for you.
So we're gonna set the fireworks off from there,
halfway between the beach and the amphitheater.
- Okay. - Okay.
So the light from the rockets
- is gonna flood the amphitheater. - Quick question.
Are you fucking out of your mind?
Clarence is a wild animal.
Can't be flooding his cage.
I'm not flooding his cage. I'm flooding it with light.
Uh, cover... You could cover his cage.
- They do that with parrots. - But he's not a parrot, mate.
He's a more intelligent, sensual being than a parrot.
What is it?
You look very thin. Making me look fat.
I am. Thin Finn. Sounds good.
And you look pale.
Yes. I'm pale. And loitering.
Are you on crack?
I'm not on crack, Mum. Jesus.
- Ecstasy? - No.
What about prescription pills?
- Jeez, Mum, I'm not... - Cocaine?
MDMA? Or "Molly," as the young people call it.
Mum, I'm not on drugs, okay?
I haven't seen you this depressed ever, Finn.
And you're growing pubic hair on your face.
It's not pu...
It looks wispy, and it doesn't suit you.
Frankly, you should shave it off before the party.
It's an embarrassment.
- Hi. - This is Nick.
He's chronicling my life.
Chronicling? That's a bit grand.
Yeah, like The Chronicles of Narnia. We...
We could call it The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
Not that you're a witch, obviously.
We met, actually, in Monaco. Don't know if you remember.
- Hi. - Hi.
♪ Just follow in the back ♪
♪ And naturally harmonizing ♪
♪ Climb into position We synchronize things ♪
♪ Live from out the ghetto We maximize it... ♪
Hi. Um...
I'm here to see Samantha McCreadie.
- Yes, of course. Come aboard. - Oh, thank you.
This is a really spectacular yacht.
Thank you. This is actually my baby.
I designed everything on her by myself.
- Wow, that's lovely. - Yeah, the fabrics, the wood.
Everything. The basketball court upstairs. It's all my taste.
So just let's, um, start off with,
when did you meet Sir Richard?
When I first met Rich, he was a bottom-feeder.
I met him in a casino.
All right. My lucky number's 13.
Maybe it'll bring me luck.
No more bets.
- Number 13. - Oh!
♪ Sincerity ♪
♪ Come on, give me... ♪
- What are you doing? - I wanna see you again.
I'm playing hard to get.
Can I see you tomorrow?
Well, was that a yes or a no?
It's a yes!
He'd worked in fashion all his life,
but he didn't have a feel for it.
He wasn't somebody who loved clothes. He just loves deals.
You lied to me, right? You fucking lied to me.
You're like a dodgy priest.
Now you've been caught balls deep in a choirboy.
- What are you talking about? - You said these were quality.
They're not quality.
"Pride Jeans." Yeah, if you're proud to wear them
and look like a tit. I'll give you 1.2 million in cash
if you wipe off the debt.
Is that a joke?
I'll give you 20p in a pound on the debt, but that's it.
When I leave with this case of cash, the deal's off the table.
I'll tell you something, no one's gonna give you diddly
for that pile of blue shit.
Okay! Okay.
Come back.
- So he was a bottom-feeder then. - Yes.
But what changed?
Well, I brought him here to Monaco.
- Can you guess which boat? - Is it the biggest one?
Everybody's a billionaire here. We were just small fry.
- Is that our boat? That one? - No.
- We were just millionaires. - That's right. Well done.
Hey, no!
What we do in life echoes in eternity.
I taught him that, from Gladiator.
Hey, watch his eyes.
You shall watch as I bathe in his blood.
- Rich. - Well, I didn't teach him that.
I'm not even sure it's in the film.
That was so close to his eye! Put your sword down!
- Aah! - Both of you, now, put them down!
Money makes money.
And when people think you have money,
then they give you more.
They have no idea of the bottom line.
Why don't you buy the whole group?
That's what I said.
- Not a problem, is it, Bob? - We're a bank.
We lend money. That's what we do.
So then we bought M&J for 200 million.
Is this Blackpool Illuminations?
What is the wattage of these bulbs?
- Hundred. - Well, swap them out for 60s.
You can't put 60-watt bulbs up there. It's too gloomy.
You know what I say? I don't do "can't do." I only do "can do."
Thanks so much for making the time to see me.
Oh, any chance to slag off Sir Greedy.
- Oh, you weren't a fan, then? - Oh, he was a bully.
That is the biggest pile of crap I've ever seen. Get rid of it.
We can't get rid of it. We've ordered it. It's ours.
You... How much have you paid for this?
The whole range across all the stores...
- Five million. - Five million...?
Are you fucking kidding? Tell me he's joking.
- No. - That is robbery.
I should call the police.
He wasn't a businessman. He was a parasite. Tapeworm.
I'll give you 3 million for it.
Nod your head and shake my hand.
Come on, nod your head and shake my hand.
All right, Mark. Well done.
You got a good deal. You, come with me.
That was a negotiation.
You are a buyer.
You're supposed to fucking negotiate.
You nearly cost me 2 million pounds there.
You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and say:
"I am a cunt," because you are.
Fuck you.
M&J got us onto the Sunday Times Rich List.
They valued it at a billion.
Suddenly, we're in the big leagues.
Is that the right one?
It's the one I chose. I love it.
Oh, it's so sparkly. It's so beautiful.
No, you're beautiful.
♪ 'Cause I've got a plan ♪
♪ You're beautiful You're beautiful ♪
♪ You're beautiful It's true ♪
♪ I saw your face ♪
So sweet.
♪ In a crowded place ♪
♪ And I don't know what to do ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll never be With you ♪
Cheers, James.
Thank you. No, you're beautiful.
♪ Yeah, she caught my eye ♪
♪ As we walked on by ♪
♪ She could see From my face... ♪
How much was he?
- Seventy-five thousand. - That's not bad.
It was only one song.
Oh. He's only done one song.
♪ See her again But we shared a moment ♪
Let's, uh, take a look in a little more detail
at your takeover of M&J.
Can you stop staring at me, please? It's very off-putting.
During your ownership of M&J,
your family took more than 400 million pounds
out of the company.
- Is that right? - We were the owners.
- Wow! - You got a conference room there.
You've got a screening room,
- a library for meetings. - This is the gravy.
Whilst M&J went from having assets
of almost 300 million pounds
to debts of more than 250 million pounds.
In other words, the company lost 550 million pounds
whilst your family gained 400 million pounds.
And I got this for you.
It's an ancient Egyptian lion.
- How old is it? - Well, it's new.
It's an exact copy of the original.
Right, but it's a fake.
- But this is real. - Wha...?
- A giant prehistoric bird bone. - Wow!
Do you know what? I don't normally go
for large prehistoric birds, but, uh, that is just genius.
Sally.
This is Sally, our fashion editor.
You probably want to talk to her.
This is Nick. He's writing a book
- about Greedy McCreadie. - Oh, hi.
- Hi. You're the fashion editor? - Yes.
Why? Did you expect me to look a bit more like a model?
No, no. Of course not.
Uh, not that you don't.
You look gr... Very... You look great.
Uh, this is our city desk over here
- if you want to follow me. - Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, and you. Yeah. - Okay?
It's just round here, Jim is, okay?
Um, so I was hoping you could try and help me understand
the mechanics of the deals. I...
I know nothing about business. I mean, I'm not an idiot,
but, uh, it might be easiest if you imagine I am one,
and then I can tell you if I find that patronizing.
I mean, I know what a savings account is.
Well, that's not relevant to this.
No, I know. I'm... I'm...
I'm just saying, feel free to talk down to me.
Most people don't have a problem with that.
That won't be necessary. It's all pretty simple.
McCreadie has a whole bunch of interconnected companies,
but let's take the example of the biggest, Monda.
The jewel in his crown. Monda made him a household name.
When McCreadie bought Monda, it was a public company
listed on the stock exchange. Anyone can buy shares in it.
People are buying and selling all the time.
Add up the shares, you get the value of the company.
In the case of Monda, that was about 900 million pounds.
McCreadie was one of the pioneers
of taking public companies private.
To do that, you have to buy all the shares,
900 million pounds worth,
but he didn't have that much money.
Even if he did, he didn't like to use his own money.
What do you do when you don't have enough money?
I usually call my parents, and they tell me to piss off.
But I imagine he didn't call my parents.
Uh, I think he probably borrowed it. Did he borrow it?
So Greed invites a few friends down to his yacht in Monaco,
including Bob, his banker from HBOS.
McCreadie persuades Bob to lend him 95 percent of the money.
Then he calls the CEO of Monda and makes an offer.
What the fuck? It's the middle of the night.
There's 25 million in it for you if I buy Monda.
♪ Money, money, money Must be funny ♪
♪ In a rich man's world ♪
Now, 75 million shiny English pounds
go straight into the pockets
of the managers on the board of Monda.
So surprise, surprise, they recommend
that people sell to McCreadie.
All those in favor, aye.
Aye.
That's outrageous. That's bribery.
Well, no, no, it's not bribery because bribery is illegal.
It's certainly an incentive, but it's totally legal.
Christ. How much of his own money
- did Rich put in? - Ten million.
So, what, then he owes 890 million?
No, McCreadie doesn't owe anything.
Monda owes HBOS the money used to buy Monda.
So he used Monda's money to buy Monda? Is that legal?
It's totally legal.
McCreadie was one of the pioneers of this,
but it happens all the time.
So now Monda has a big old chunky debt,
890 million pounds.
But Monda owns a lot of shops on a lot of high streets.
Owns them. Property is valuable.
The last 20 years, it's trebled in value.
So McCreadie gets Monda to sell the properties
and then rent them instead.
There's no short-term gains,
but one shop alone on Oxford Street
netted 200 million pounds.
So the sale of property pays off the debt
and increases the profits, so he looks like a genius.
When really Monda has just sold off all its assets.
And that's how he paid himself, or his wife, 1.2 billion pounds
as a dividend two years after buying Monda.
So it was only really 800 million pounds,
but we rolled over 400 from the year before
so that Rich could make it the biggest dividend ever
because he loves a headline like that.
That's Rich. It's all about image.
He used to do magic tricks as a child.
So the first principle of magic is to distract your audience.
Make them look at your left hand
while your right hand takes the watch.
That's how McCreadie works with his dividend.
So he paid the 1.2 billion
from the money he made selling the shops?
No. Monda borrowed the 1.2 billion
from Bob the Banker to pay his family.
That's outrageous. So Monda then owes all that to the bank.
It's the same with M&J, with all Greed's business deals.
Because the dividends are paid to Samantha,
and she is resident in Monaco which has no income tax,
McCreadie saves 300 million pounds in tax,
100 million of which she uses
to buy a nice little runaround.
It is classic asset stripping
and classic tax avoidance.
It's all just one gigantic dodge, isn't it?
Is this an investigation into my tax affairs?
I pay what I have to and no more because I'm not stupid.
If you wanna chase people avoiding tax,
why don't you go after the big boys?
I mean, look at Apple, look at Amazon, Starbucks.
- Why are you chasing me? - Right, it's not them we're...
I suggest you Google it, Mr. Chairman.
That's another company. How much tax do you think Google pay?
Not very much. If you don't believe me, talk to Bono.
He's avoided hundreds of millions in tax
by claiming that U2 are based in Holland.
Doesn't stop him going around the world
in your nan's sunglasses proclaiming, uh,
about ending poverty or whatever.
This is him in the Daily Mail.
"'You'd be stupid not to try and cut your tax bill, ' says Bono."
Nobody that lives here pays tax.
Nobody on any of these boats is paying tax.
That's just the rules. I'm following the rules.
There's nothing wrong with that.
The super yacht, the models,
the glamorous parties.
Rich being photographed
alongside Naomi or Kate or Sienna, whomever.
It's all part of a brand.
It adds a little sparkle to a $10 party dress.
Wow, that was amazing.
- So why did you divorce? - Rich likes to win.
And what do you get when you win? You get a...
- A medal? - A trophy.
Naomi's that trophy for him.
I mean, I'm not a gynecologist,
but I know a cunt when I see one.
- Do you miss Monaco? - I miss the boat.
I still think that is the best thing we ever made,
excluding Adrian and Lily, but including Finn.
Is there anything else you miss?
Just getting a water for Naomi.
She can see you guys, by the way.
Thank you, Finn.
These lions guarded Apollo's temple.
Really?
I don't know
what's going on with us, Faby.
I'm sorry.
I'm a fucking damn fool.
But I still love your soul.
I swore that I'd never cry for another man.
Baby, baby, don't cry.
- Uh, yeah. Uh, Lily? - Yeah?
Yeah, um, so it says in the script
- that you're crying. - Tears?
Yeah, if we could have some tears.
- Okay. Give me a minute. - Yeah. Sure. No, okay.
Just take a minute. Give us a shout when you're ready.
- Want me to poke you in the eye? - Fuck off.
All right, all right. It's just an idea.
See, I always think of Diana when I need to cry.
I reckon she would have loved it here.
This is the place where Apollo and Artemis were born.
No, that's all a myth.
This place was built on trade.
Built by men like me.
This was once the biggest trading post
in the whole of the Mediterranean.
Commercial center of the world.
And look at it now, ruins.
"A coward dies many times before his death...
but the valiant never taste of death but once."
Just reading off your bloody phone, Rich.
Yeah. BrainyQuote. I love BrainyQuote.
Don't worry, Dad. You're gonna die soon enough.
- Finn. - Oh, come on. It's just banter.
Don't say "banter" like some Hooray Henry horse fondler.
I'm only 60.
Rupert's still running News Corp in his 80s.
Maybe I'll skip a generation,
leave everything to your children.
If you find anyone to have children with.
- Oh, Ricky. - "I knew a man who once said,
'Death smiles at us all,
and all a man can do is smile back.'"
That's... That's a bit weird.
He's quoting Gladiator.
- You all right? - Yeah.
I swore that I would never cry
- for another man. - Hey.
- Cut! - Then don't cry.
- Fuck's sake. - Are you kidding?
- Get out of my shot, Finn! - Were you guys acting?
- Sorry. - Move out of the fucking way!
- I think she's actually crying. - Yeah, she is.
You want it? Okay, Lily, just go for it. Just use that.
- Yeah? Okay. Going. - Yeah, fantastic. Go for it.
Open the gate.
Clarence. Good boy. Look at that.
Come on. Look, look, look.
Good, Clarence. Good, good.
Go, go, go, go.
Ha! Ha!
Clarence, go.
- Ha-da! Clarence! - Ah! Ah!
Is he always like this?
Give him a minute. He needs to warm up.
He needs to find his motivation. Come on. Ha-da!
We were just hoping he'd have a bit more energy.
He will. He just...
He's got a bit of stage fright. A bit frozen.
Rich is expecting him to be the star of the show.
Yeah.
He will be. He just, you know...
He's not very good.
Oi. Look, slower, slower.
- But not so close to him, okay? - Okay.
Show him the meat. You're not trying to kill him. Come on.
- Good boy. Come on! - It's gonna be a disaster.
Do you know any tricks to make him a bit more scary?
- Well, these are the tricks. - I'm not frightened at all.
I thought he'd be frightening.
He will be. He will be.
Oh, fuck. They're back.
Hello!
That's all we need.
Hello!
- Hi. - Hello!
The nomads are back on the beach.
We can't do anything about it. It's a public beach.
I don't care. I don't want them at my party.
We've got a bigger problem. The Daily Mail got hold of this.
This is terrible for our reputation.
What do you mean, your reputation?
No one knows who you are. How bad is it?
I've had the agents on the phone nonstop.
Angelina's definitely not coming. Rihanna's now a maybe.
- They're in breach of contract. - Don't worry. I'll put a call in.
No one reads The Mail online. It's cleavage clickbait.
Yeah, except I'm the tit this time.
- That's nice. - Thank you.
How long did it take?
A day and a half.
- Just for this one arch? - Yes.
J. Lo's still good.
Ed Sheeran, probably a no.
- And Harry's a no. - Harry Styles?
Mm-mm. Prince Harry.
- You could get doubles. - That's not a bad idea.
Like kings on the battlefield using decoys.
- Did they? - They did in Shakespeare.
We could put them in the dark. No one would see them. It's...
- Yeah. - In the shadows.
Long lens, backlit, in and out of shot.
That's great. Melanie?
It can work. It can work.
- Thanks, Nick. - Sorry.
It was intended as a joke.
Can't help it if my jokes are so shit,
they get mistaken for serious suggestions.
I do like a, um, tightly stuffed vine leaf.
Hey. Took him a while,
but he's settling down now.
- Beautiful creatures. - Yeah.
- I love their hair. - Yeah.
The mane is actually connected to sexual selection.
- There it is, mate, right there. - Heh-heh-heh.
All right, mate, in a bit.
You wanna fight? Or are you like the Cowardly Lion
from The Wizard of Oz?
Put them up. Put them up.
I was reading about Oedipus on Wikipedia.
The way Sophocles intended.
- Joke. - It said he had to kill his dad
because as a young man, he had been the guest of another king
and had violated the laws of hospitality
by abducting and raping a boy.
And people say EastEnders is dark.
Amanda!
- Here, you look exhausted. - Oh, thanks.
I'm knackered.
We were, um, just talking about Greek tragedy and... And stuff.
How Oedipus killed his father
as punishment for all the terrible things he'd done.
It's more about fate.
Fate because he needs to be killed.
Oh, that was my skin. You just poked my skin.
I look ridiculous.
- You don't. - You look lovely.
Yeah, you look like, uh, Aphrodite's, uh, Irish granny.
You always were a show-off, Ricky.
I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for everyone else.
It's about showing me and us respect.
What is all this about? Gladiators and lions and...
What do you mean? Bread and circuses.
- What people want. They love it. - It must be costing a fortune.
It is. That's the whole point.
To show those bastards.
Now, in 2012, you bought a yacht
costing 100 million pounds. Correct?
Uh, bit more after it was kitted out.
And your clothing lines are endorsed by many celebrities.
Uh, wealthy, beautiful people.
And yet the workers in your factories, 80 percent women,
are paid $5 for a 12-hour day.
I don't own any factories.
I make a deal with the supplier.
It's up to them how they, uh, operate their factory.
Right, but you're very happy to use their factories.
It's the market, with respect.
It's, uh... You know, the same factories
are supplying Zara, H&M, Marks and Spencers.
- "Happy birthday, Sir Richard." - Everyone smile. Yeah?
Okay. Ready?
And one, two, three.
Happy birthday, Sir Richard!
Yeah, great. I bought that.
Hello? Are you filming?
- Well, I'm writing a book. - You're filming. Good story.
- I don't have time. I'm sorry. - Come and see.
Come and see where we live. Come and see.
Well, someone's picking me up in a minute, but...
- I live here. - You live here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
More than hundred people live.
More than a hundred people live here? Right. Yeah.
No running water.
You use the well instead of plumbing, right.
How long have you lived here?
- Fifteen years. - Fifteen years.
And how many hours a day do you work?
Twelve hours.
How much do you get paid for a 12-hour day?
Eight hundred rupees.
- Eight hundred? - Yeah.
That's less than 4 pounds a day, I think.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Bellissimo.
Ah...
Look at that. You can't buy a view like that.
Oh, wait, no, I have.
What have they got to sing about?
Right. The look-alikes.
I can't... I can't... I can't see this.
- It's too sunny. - Oh, hang on.
I've got some printouts. Here.
George Clooney.
He's having a laugh.
It's just a bloke with gray hair.
Samuel L. Jackson. That's just a black man in a curly wig.
That's borderline racist.
Adele. Yeah, she looks like Adele. Johnny Depp.
It's just a bloke in a fucking pirate costume.
We'll bring special makeup artists in.
You'll need a fucking plastic surgeon.
Heh, maybe it should be a masked ball.
Yeah? Who the fuck asked you?
No. Sorry. You're absolutely right.
We need to go to the kitchen. Chef's ready for that tasting.
Oh, God. What are you doing down here?
The workers have stopped. They've done seven days running.
That's the maximum permitted.
Fucking EU fucking health and safety.
They should be grateful they're working,
the state this country's in. Pbbt!
Right. Give me some Roman costumes and a pack of cards.
Do I have to do everything myself?
You want a cup of tea?
- Oh, yeah. I'd love a cup of tea. - Have a seat.
- What do you got? Fruit? - Yeah.
Trying to keep regular.
Counteract the fucking feta.
- Hello. - Hello. Who's in charge?
- It's this guy. This one. - Who?
- You in charge? - You can talk to me.
Okay, right, I want to ask you a question. Uh...
Are you a...?
Are you a gambling man? You like a wager?
We came in so small boat. That's big risk.
Yes. Well, that's a good point. Uh, I've got a proposal for you.
All you have to do is play my game.
And if you win, I'll give...
You can stay here, do what the fuck you like.
I'll give you $100,000 in cash.
Spend it on yourself or your people. Whatever you want.
- And if I lose? - Right.
If you lose, you have to clear off the beach,
and then you have to come work for me, painting.
And, uh, everyone here has to dress up
in these clothes at my party.
- What's your game? - It's called Find the Lady.
- Right? Come. Come here. - Find the Lady.
Come here. Let's play Find the Lady.
Right. All you gotta do is keep your eye on the queen.
Okay, do you want to do a trial run, uh, with Melanie?
- A trial run... - No, thank you.
- We can do it with Sherine. - All right, sweetheart.
Uh, all you gotta do is keep your eye on the queen. Right?
All right, she's moving, she's grooving,
she's moving, she's grooving, she's moving.
Can you find the lady?
Ah, she did it! All right.
- Well done. - Maybe we are more clever.
Yeah, maybe. Okay, your turn. There's a queen.
She's moving, she's grooving, she's moving, she's grooving,
she's moving, she's grooving.
Okay. Find the lady.
- The one in the right. - Sure you don't mean the middle?
No, I told you, the one on the right.
All right. All right.
Oh, and it was the middle one too. Tried to help you.
Never mind. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
All right, go do painting. You go with Melanie.
Clean all this crap off the beach.
- Whoa, you tricked us, man. - No, no, no, mate.
It's a wager. Some you win, some you lose.
Then how much you pay for us?
I didn't mention anything about money.
It's work, man.
What's the minimum wage in Greece?
- Five euros. - Five euros an hour. Not bad.
- And we wear this costume? - Yeah, our guests are arriving.
- You need to look like them. - Why do we need to wear it?
We all have to wear them. All the workers.
- Hey, Amanda. How's it going? - I'm a slave. What do you think?
Right. Well, slaves can always revolt.
If we've learned nothing else from Brexit,
and I'd argue that we haven't,
it's that the voice of the dissatisfied underclass
can still make itself heard.
Shut up, Nick.
No, yeah, f-f-fair comment.
- Are you okay? - No.
Right, look. Look. Do you wanna come in here a minute? Just...
- Thanks. - H-h-have a seat. Um...
And, look, do... Do you wanna tell me what's wrong?
Or it's fine if you don't want to.
You know I told you about my aunt working
- in that factory in Colombo? - Yeah.
Well, my mum worked with her too.
They made clothes for lots of different brands,
including McCreadie.
You know what he's like. He drives a hard bargain.
Everyone does.
- How much for this? - It's $10.
Fuck off.
- Have I got a handle on my head? - What?
Have I got a handle on the side of my head?
What?
I'm asking you in a very clever way
if I look like a fucking mug.
Every year, there would be pressure to reduce prices.
If the price goes down,
the factory still has to make money.
- Everything okay, sir? - Excellent, thank you.
I might even give you a tip.
So, what happens?
The workers have to work faster.
My mum wasn't fast enough for the new targets.
So when she got ill, they took their chance and sacked her.
Well, she got a job in another place,
but it was a right dump.
It was overcrowded and noisy.
Fire!
My mum suffocated.
Oh, God.
That's why I came to England.
And now look at me.
I'm Greedy McCreadie's slave,
working at this ridiculous party.
You're only dressed as his slave. You...
You're not actually a slave.
When you bought Monda,
it was part of the Ethical Trading Initiative.
- You pulled it out. - Waste of time.
Would you care to expand on that?
It's a colossal waste of time.
Excuse me.
Is this part of forensic evidence?
- No, sir. - Then why the stinking fuck
is it covered in fingerprints?
Fucking clean this, or it'll become forensic evidence
in your murder investigation.
No more marks on glasses,
or I'll shove them up your asses.
Keith Richards is late.
You'd better mean late as in "dead."
He's on his way. He's just delayed in Athens.
I'm not paying that fossilized shit goblin
$800,000 to be fashionably late.
I'm paying him a dollar a wrinkle
to show that elephant scrotum he calls a face at my party.
- I've broken this. Look at that. - Oh, what?
Stems are made of shit.
Can we get that sorted, please? Take that off. Thanks.
- What's his excuse? - I don't know.
It's your job to know.
It's a know job. Don't say that's sexual harassment
because it rhymes with "blow job."
Call Keith Richards' handlers and tell them
I want him here in one hour
grinning like a tramp who's won the lottery,
which is basically what he is.
Guys, you go now. You need to go. Out of here.
What's going on? Oi, what's going on?
It's the refugees. They're slowing everything down.
Tell them to get out. It's not their party.
Soup kitchen's over! Back to work!
Hey, look. Just calm down.
Just calm down. I'll deal with it.
- Demetrious, stop shouting. - Tell them to go!
Tell them to leave the food and go, please!
- Amanda. Amanda. - Come on. Come on, you.
- You ready to go out and work? - Amanda.
- Was that tasty? - Get them out of here!
There's about five or six of them. I'll introduce you now.
Make sure they don't talk to anyone.
I once had a Gary Glitter look-alike
who just kept bothering people.
Can't get arrested now.
Not something that was a problem for Gary.
Hey, everyone. Sir Richard.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Hello. - Hi, Sir Richard.
Yep, Simon Cowell. He's good.
- Yeah, Simon Cowell there. - Who are you?
- Adele. - Course you are. Yeah.
- Who's the guy with the bandana? - It's Rod Stewart.
Looks like Rod Stewart's bitter older brother.
And who's she?
- Kylie. - Kylie Minogue.
At a push. She'll have to wear a name badge.
- Is that George Michael? - He's amazing.
Apparently, he can sing as well.
George Michael's fucking dead.
I think the agency sent anyone they had on their books.
Well, put the ghost of George Michael
back on a plane to Club Tropicana.
Drinks are not free for him.
I'm tired of these cheeky Greek chancers.
Great.
Oh, and I want the AC set at 68 degrees in every room.
I was at Gareth's party. It failed
and the pillow chocolates melted.
Looked like the tooth fairy was having a dirty protest.
- Babe, how do I look? - You look gorgeous.
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius,
commander of the Armies of the North."
Yeah? Keep going.
"General of the Felix Legions,
loyal servant to the true emperor,"
Richus Greedus.
"Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife."
Go south to my troops.
What?!
It's Finn. I...
- I've got you a present. - Go away!
- Go on. Keep going. - Okay. Um...
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius,
- commander of the Armies..." - Wait. Sorry. I've gone soft.
I've gone soft.
- Oh, Finn. - He's ruined it.
- Sorry. - Oh, fine.
You look like the goddess Aphrodite
rising up from the spume,
only much, much lovelier.
Did Roman women wear stilettos?
So you're excited about the party, yeah?
- I'm excited about Daddy's party. - Great. Great.
Cheers.
Hey. There you go. Oh, you're here, finally.
Adrian. Fucking hell, mate.
- You look great. - You look fantastic.
You look like a gladiator already.
You look like a smashing slave boy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we all know why we are here.
We are here to celebrate the birthday
of a self-made man who worships his creator.
In fact, once the youngest self-made billionaire
in British history, he is now
virtually Britain's oldest man.
Despite the fact that we're here
to celebrate his 60th birthday,
Sir Richard still has his own hips,
his own teeth. At least I think they're teeth.
They're something vaguely resembling teeth, at any rate.
And thank goodness, of course, he has his own marbles.
Uh, which, in true British fashion,
he stole from the Parthenon.
Cue the VT.
Press the video. Press the... Play the video.
♪ Look at the stars Look how they shine for you ♪
♪ And all the things You may or may not have done ♪
Rich, it's Chris. Happy birthday.
Hey, Rich. How's it going, man?
I'm sorry I can't make your birthday.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Rich ♪
Hello, Rich. Heartbroken not to be able to make it. Happy 60th.
Hi, Sir Richard. Happy birthday. You're only 60?
Happy birthday, Rich. So sorry I can't make your party,
but I'm sending so much love.
To us.
♪ If they were me If they were me ♪
♪ And I was you And I was you ♪
♪ If they were me If they were me ♪
♪ And I was you And I was you ♪
♪ If they were me And I was you... ♪
Fucking hell.
Clarence?
It's all right. Calm down. Calm down, mate.
That's it. Easy, easy.
- Kiss me. - No, no.
Cathy wants us to kiss.
No, Cathy wants me to tell you I'm gay.
I'm gay. I like men.
♪ Seeing them In my dark cupboard... ♪
A kiss, a kiss! Kiss her!
Kiss! Fuck!
Fucking fuck's sake!
You just ran through the shot, darling.
We're trying to film a romantic scene.
I feel like I'm in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Yeah, and we're the mechanicals.
- It's set in Greece. - Is it?
Right now. Right now.
Kiss! Kiss!
Hey!
♪ Ooh la la ♪
♪ Don't leave me With a heart-shaped scar ♪
♪ When all I need's Your ooh la la ♪
♪ I'm crying, ooh la la ♪
♪ I'm dying, ooh la la... ♪
♪ I'm crying, ooh la la ♪
♪ I'm dying, ooh la la... ♪
Hi.
- Hi, Finn. - Fancy bumping into you here.
Good night, Sir Stephen.
It's just Stephen. I'm not a knight.
Aren't you? My son is.
Yes. Yes, he is.
I need to see what's in the bag.
These are our things. Give me the bag.
- Hey! - Come on, give me!
- What's going on? - Call the police.
These bastards have been stealing!
- They're just children. - Go!
Stop! Call the police.
- I'm not calling the police. - Stop! Stop it! Come back!
- Stop! - Shit. Hey!
Come back!
- Run! - Stop! Stop! Stop it!
Hey, hey. Oi. Put the camera down.
Put the camera down, you sneaky little wanker.
- Stop! - Hey!
Stop!
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop, stop!
They stole our cutlery.
- Hey, stop it! - Calm down, stop.
- They need to bring it back. - No worry, no worry.
They need to give... It's our...
I told you stop! Stop!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop! Stop it!
- Did you call the police? - No, I didn't. They're just kids.
We are fucking human. We don't need that again.
No, I know. I know.
Kareem. Kareem, listen, please.
We don't need to listen. We don't need to listen.
It's the last. We don't need to talk anymore.
That's finished. We are going to go home now.
It's nice they can be friends.
I mean, they're the same age, after all.
Yeah, all right.
All right. Time-out.
All right, sunshine, time for you to go to bed.
Fuck off, Dad.
Go to bed.
Get!
Finn.
Hi!
Kareem, I just... I wanna help. I'm on your side.
What help you talking about all the time?
Fighting isn't gonna solve anything.
Look, Kareem.
- The police will come, for sure. - Really? We are not thieves.
I know, but the children, they've got the cutlery.
Haven't you?
Do you wanna arrest them?
Do you wanna put them in prison?
Even they lost their father and their mother?
You know, Sherine's mum is my sister in Syria.
I promised her that I would look after her.
- Look at us now, we are slaves. - I know. I know, Kareem.
If they keep the silver, they're gonna get into trouble
and that isn't gonna help them.
I'm going to ask you a question. Answer honestly.
Do you have the cutlery?
Be honest, do you have it?
Give it to me.
I can forgive you.
- Here's your silver. - Thanks, Kareem.
Clarence.
Clarence! Come here.
Shh! Wanna try some of this?
Oi! What are you doing?
Fucking Arab!
Fuck off!
You all right, boy?
Oh, now you wanna eat. Typical.
Bloody Arabs.
Hey.
- You guys want some champagne? - Hey.
- No, thank you. - Yeah, why not?
- Come on. - See you in our suite.
I want to shower and freshen up.
- Don't be too long. - Right.
- Good night, Naomi. - Good night, Samantha.
So, what's a pretty little thing like you
doing all alone on a night like this?
- Francois went to bed. - Did he?
Was thinking of going for a walk.
Why don't you tag along?
I'm so tired, I'm gonna sleep
- until my 60th. - Come on.
Which, as you know, is 40 years away.
- Okay. Good night. - Good night.
Good night.
Grow up.
- I'll be along in a minute. - No, you won't.
Yeah.
Hey. It's all right.
Shh, shh, shh.
You all right, mate?
"I knew a man who once said, 'Death smiles at us all.
All a man can do is smile back.'"
You seen Gladiator?
"When a man sees his end...
...he knows there must be some reason to his life.
How will the world speak my name in the years to come?
Will I be known as a philosopher,
a warrior,
or a tyrant?"
What's the matter, Clarence?
Fucking hell. All right, mate, I'm on your side.
I'm not afraid. I've never been afraid.
You can smell that, can't you?
You can smell that I'm brave.
I'm like you.
I'm a lion. A lion king.
Lionheart.
Richard the fucking Lionheart.
All right. Just a trip.
Look at me. I'm here.
I'm not trying to escape.
I love you.
I respect you.
But I don't fear you.
I... fear nothing.
Clarence!
Bloody hell. Bloody hell.
Literally bloody hell!
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I... I've never witnessed
big-cat manslaughter before, have I?
I've gotta go.
Clarence!
Oh, shit.
Ambulance. We need... We need an ambulance.
To the amphitheater. Ambulance now!
- Sorry. I must have overslept. - Fuck off, Keith!
Did I miss something?
Police in Mykonos investigating the death
of fashion tycoon Sir Richard McCreadie
believe the death was accidental.
Sir Richard died from injuries sustained
when a lion escaped from its enclosure and mauled him.
In a statement, the McCreadie family said
the incident occurred as celebrations
for Sir Richard's 60th birthday began.
The lion, reportedly called Clarence, has been put down.
Sir Richard had recently faced criticism
following the collapse of M&J...
- Nick, it's Charles here. - Hi, Charles.
Congratu-fucking-lations. We've hit the jackpot.
- Have we? - We have a bidding war
for the serialization rights.
Sunday Times and the Mail.
Mm, I'm not a big fan of the Mail.
- Well, are you a big fan of 100K? - Yes.
Don't worry. Sunday Times has offered 200.
That's enough to keep you in Sugar Puffs
for another six months.
They're Rice Krispies, actually.
Yeah, well, this is manna from heaven.
- What about the family? - I've spoken to the family.
They want you to write it
before anyone else can do a hatchet job on it.
Three, two, one. Cue.
Well, to discuss this, we're joined by Nick Morris,
Sir Richard's official biographer.
Nick, welcome. Thank you for joining us.
You must have known him pretty well.
I suppose I did get to know him well by the end.
- Bring up one next. - What will his legacy be?
Well, he was famous, of course, as the king of the high street,
but he was so many other things.
What was he like as a man?
He was very proud of his immigrant roots.
He was incredibly hard-working. Very direct.
Didn't suffer fools gladly.
What do you think made him so successful?
He wanted to win.
He believed that winning was everything.
- Three next. - And he was willing
to do anything in order to win.
- And three. - Did he go too far, though,
- in his desire to win? - I suppose he felt
that if you want to win, you have to be ruthless.
We're in close-up. What's that looking like?
Darling, keep it together.
Lily. You okay?
- Fuck off! - Really, fuck off.
♪ You're dirty, sweet And you're my girl ♪
♪ Get it on, bang a gong Get it on ♪
Morning.
- Um, I'm here to see Amanda. - I know.
I know why you're here.
She's a good girl. I want you to know that.
I know. That's why I've come.
She's lived with me since she was 7.
Thanks.
- Hello. - Hello.
I, uh, have to, uh, go upstairs, do something.
- Nice to meet you. - And you. Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry I'm late. Uh, my train was delayed.
- I saw you on telly. - Right.
My eulogy.
You were good. Very convincing.
- Sorry. - Why sorry?
I'm writing a book about him, making money out of it.
Well, it's not gonna be the unvarnished truth, is it?
Look, I've gotta go. I've gotta work. Gotta pay the bills.
- Is it okay if I walk with you? - Sure.
It's just around the corner.
I used to work there in the holidays.
- To Rich. - To Rich.
I'm just gonna say a few words.
This is me. This is where I'm working.
Well, bye, then.
You know, the funny thing is, when I pushed that button,
I didn't feel it was me.
I wasn't responsible.
It was fate operating through you.
Maybe.
My hand moved. Then the gate moved.
Then the lion moved. Then McCreadie moved.
They were separate events.
Rich knew that, uh... That legacy was important.
That it was important to leave your business in good hands.
In the hands of the next generation.
Now, Rich and I were the trailblazers,
but you, Lily, Adrian, Finn,
you will guide Monda into a new golden age.
Just gonna say a few words. Just a few words.
Ahem. Hello.
It was a bit like McCreadie paying less
for an item of clothing so people have to work faster.
So some of them lose their jobs.
So they can't feed their children.
He didn't feel it was his fault. He just offered them a price.
Yeah.
I better go.
Bye, then.
Bye.
My dad had big shoes to fill.
I mean, literally. Heh.
As he would often point out,
his feet were two sizes bigger than mine.
He had big feet. Even the lion
couldn't finish them off.
I believe that we're going to build an empire
two sizes bigger
than any the world of retail fashion has seen before.
Move over, H&M.
Watch out, Zara.
We are gonna be hotter,
cooler, faster and cheaper.
We're gonna slaughter them out there.
♪ I work all night I work all day ♪
♪ To pay the bills I have to pay ♪
♪ Ain't it sad? ♪
♪ And still there never Seems to be ♪
♪ A single penny left for me ♪
♪ That's too bad ♪
♪ In my dreams, I have a plan ♪
♪ If I got me a wealthy man ♪
♪ I wouldn't have To work at all ♪
♪ I'd fool around And have a ball ♪
♪ Money, money, money ♪
♪ Must be funny ♪
♪ In the rich man's world ♪
♪ Money, money, money ♪
♪ Always sunny ♪
♪ In the rich man's world ♪
♪ Aha... ♪
♪ All the things I could do ♪
♪ If I had a little money ♪
♪ It's a rich man's world ♪
♪ A man like that Is hard to find ♪
♪ But I can't get him Off my mind ♪
♪ Ain't it sad? ♪
♪ And if he happens To be free ♪
♪ I bet he wouldn't fancy me ♪
♪ That's too bad ♪
♪ So I must leave ♪
♪ I'll have to go ♪
♪ To Las Vegas or Monaco ♪
♪ And win a fortune in a game ♪
♪ My life will never Be the same ♪
♪ Money, money, money ♪
♪ Must be funny ♪
♪ In the rich man's world ♪
♪ Money, money, money ♪
♪ Always sunny ♪
♪ In the rich man's world ♪
♪ Aha... ♪
♪ All the things I could do ♪
♪ If I had a little money ♪
♪ It's a rich man's world ♪