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Subtitles by explosiveskull
You know those teen vampire movies
that feel like the horny soap opera fever dreams
of a sentient eight-grade diary?
Here's how this one ended.
Here's how mine began.
Thank you for this. Thank you.
I love you.
I love you too.
What about sunlight?
No, it will make you sick
and it's blinding, but it won't hurt you.
- Uh, garlic? - No.
- Uh, crosses? - No!
No, not sticks, nor holy water,
or anything like that can hurt you.
The only thing we need to worry about...
Is me.
Duke, don't!
Hold her down.
You poor thing!
I bet you thought you were the hero
of your own little movie.
Finally, you've been bitten by the radioactive spider
confirming what you've always suspected.
That you are, in fact,
a special center of the universe.
I love him!
No!
But you're not special,
and life isn't a fucking movie.
Except sometimes you do meet the bad guys.
You're going to kill me now, too?
Why would I do that?
You messed up is all.
And for a good reason.
Love.
The heart wants what it wants, right?
One year in the hole.
I'm sorry, but you got to learn to respect the rules.
No fucking boys.
All right, everybody,
put your hands together for the graduating class
of Central Oregon High!
You don't think they're gonna fuck right here, do you?
God, I hope so.
Why do we even come to these things?
We don't.
She better come up for air.
There it is.
I wish somebody would burp in my face like that.
Same.
Fucking same.
♪ Graduation, whoo! ♪
Uh-huh.
Uh, look, I got something I wanna tell you.
Is that okay?
- Yeah. - Okay, okay.
Um...
I just wanna say...
I wanna say,
"Hey, what you've done is just so cool."
- So cool, you know? - Uh-huh.
Like, seriously, I just...
I want to let you to know that I really admire you.
- It's so cool. - Thanks.
Okay, thank you for that.
Hey, Laurel, come check this out real quick.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, can, can I...
- Better keep in touch when you're down there. - I will.
You're gonna go down there
and meet all these interesting people
and you're gonna forget all about me.
And I'm gonna have to live vicariously through your snaps.
I'm only gonna be gone a couple months.
You're never coming back here.
That's what happens.
Friends you make in high school
are just the people you're stuck with.
They're friends by forced proximity.
You're ridiculous, you know that?
You can come visit me.
Well, maybe I will.
Give Mark my love.
Feel free to send me pics
if you should maybe happen to catch him in his underwear.
Ew! That's my brother.
It's what keeps us apart.
Whatever.
Just don't drift away.
I won't.
I need you, kid.
Oh, get off of me.
- Is that everything? - Yup.
Okay. Watch your gages now.
Lots of cars overheat on those roads coming into LA.
I know.
All right, I put a couple of jugs of water in the back.
Just in case. You're welcome.
Thank you.
Come on, she's going away for the summer,
she's not moving to Japan.
I know. I know.
Remember, be safe.
- If you feel tired, pull over and rest. - I will.
Yes, but keep those goddamn doors locked.
Oh, my God, guys. I'm gonna be fine.
I want you to call me every time you stop.
And if you forget, I'm buying a ticket
and coming down there to kill you.
- I know. - Don't ignore your mom.
I won't.
- She'll do it. - I know she will.
And for Pete's sake, don't spend your time
hovered over your computer
or your phone like you do here, all right?
You're 18. Go and get in some trouble.
- Bill? - What?
You know what I mean.
Your father and I want to tell you
we know it's been a hard year, few years, but
we're so proud of you. Right, Bill?
Thanks.
Really, we mean it.
- Go have fun. Be safe. - I will.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Okay.
- Bye, guys. - Bye.
- Be safe. - I will.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Bye!
Well, she's gone.
Should we go have sex?
Where you at now?
Um, something like, Pencildicktown.
I think it's like Bakersfield, or some shit.
I don't know.
Did you hear? Candice is crackhead.
What the fuck?
Can you believe that shit?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, Andy, I'm gonna call you back.
I'm gonna need a greasy-ass cheeseburger and I'm gonna stuff it in my face.
Wake up, nerd.
You scared me, jerk.
How was the drive?
The first six hours were great.
Yeah.
I feel like shit, though.
Like I stepped out of an elephant's mouth.
I've only been asleep for three hours?
Plenty of time.
Just a little bit more, please.
- No! - Please.
No, we got places to go.
So, get fancy, all right?
And call Mom. She's pissed.
Of course she is.
Bathroom. Kitchen. My room.
Yeah, make yourself at home.
Where are we going?
Yago, Death Valley Girls.
Fuck, yes.
Wait, one problem. What's your ID sitch?
- Works fine now. - Okay, cool.
If not, we'll send your ass back, but I think we'll be golden.
I'll stab the doorman if I have to.
I got some friends I think are coming.
They're not gonna be all patronizing, are they?
'Cause I'm really not in the mood.
People aren't like that here, as much.
Right, so listen,
I know Mom sent you down with some money,
and you saved up a little yourself...
And I know she gave you some for me to stay here.
But I think you should look for a job.
I mean, I know you're on vacation
before you decide to do
whatever it is you gonna do with your life,
but I think you're gonna wanna stay here.
With you?
Yeah. Why not?
I mean, you'd move out eventually, I hope.
Or go to college, I guess.
All right, take a shower, go get ready.
Whatever you gotta do, chop-chop.
Let's go.
Yo, hurry up.
They're gonna be here any minute.
All right, just a sec.
Okay.
Yeah, uh, this is out of state, so...
- Sorry. - What's the hold up?
Uh, they were just, uh...
Looks fine to me.
Next, guys.
Thank you. Okay.
♪ If you're a man I'm a man ♪
♪ Too, ooh ♪
♪ If you're a man I'm twice the man as you ♪
Hey, I'm gonna grab something to drink. You want something?
- Yeah, sure. - All right.
♪ If you're a man I'm a man ♪
♪ Too, ooh ♪
♪ If you're a man I'm twice a man as you ♪
Hey!
- What the fuck is your problem? - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, come on! Come on, man!
- You're out of here. - Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, fucking dick.
Where are your friends at?
Oh, they canceled.
It's something you got to get used to around here.
People flaking out on plans.
- I'll be right back. - All right...
Hi, um, rum and Coke, please.
Hey, is this your first time seeing the Death Valley Girls?
Thanks.
Hi.
Hey.
What's with the hamburger and shoestring?
Uh, it's a conversation starter.
I like that, clever.
I thought so.
- What's your name? - Laurel.
- Izzy. - Nice to meet you, Izzy.
You're not from here, are you?
- How can you tell? - I just can.
That's depressing.
No, no. It's just you're so enthusiastic.
People live here long enough and they get all self-conscious
and jaded, it's so whack.
This is actually my first night here.
- At the Yago? - In LA.
Oh, where are you from?
- Oregon. - You just moved here?
No. Well...
Maybe. I'm staying with my brother.
He's over there.
Oh! Cool!
Yeah, and, um...
Tell your friend thanks, by the way,
for throwing her weight around back there.
Oh, Duke.
She seems intense.
She is.
Hey, we're going to
an afterhours party in downtown,
if you want to come.
Oh, um...
You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable.
No, uh, I'd love to.
K.
- K? - Yeah.
Is that something people say here?
Nah, just me and my friends.
Oh, well... K.
Hmm.
- Don't go. - Let go of me.
Let go!
Hey, I'm gonna talk to them,
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
I'll just be a second.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Uh, what is this place?
Well, it used to be a jewelry manufacturer.
Then it became a place for bands to rent out for rehearsal space.
And now, it's our secret party palace.
- Who owns it? - We do.
- Crazy. - Can I show you the best part?
Sure.
Ten goes straight to hustle.
Yeah, no kidding.
You got reamed.
All right, let's see it.
Come on, them's the rules, kid.
- Kid? - Son.
Fine, fine. Better give the lady what she wants.
Not bad.
Come on, don't act like you're not impressed.
You got enough blood in you to work that thing?
What?
If I take you upstairs, you're not gonna get all
stage frighty on me, are you?
No, uh, I... I don't think so.
No, no. Definitely not.
All right. Let's go.
You can come too.
Everyone out by 4:00.
Boo.
Is it corny that I'm looking for the Hollywood sign?
No.
But you can't see it form here.
Feels like I'm in a fricking movie.
You guys live here?
Sometimes.
Okay, so are you all like bank robbers or something?
I don't mean to be rude, but like,
how do you afford this? Who are you?
We're supervillains.
You meant like an app or something?
No.
What do you do?
Sorry, is that rude?
No, it's cool.
I direct music videos.
Oh!
Anything I've seen?
Uh, lots of Bay Area hip-hop.
Like underground stuff.
How did you get into that?
Well, I liked photography in high school
and then I was lucky enough to get my hands on a camera,
so I started filming my friends skateboarding and shit.
Editing that with some music, and I put it online
and it took off from there.
That's so cool.
Uh, um...
I keep saying cool, like a jackass.
Uh, but it is, like, really cool and interesting.
I wish I was that accomplished.
It is cool, I guess. What do you wanna do?
- With, like, my life? - Yeah.
I have no idea.
What do you love?
I don't know.
Every time I feel like I get into something,
it's really easy for me to lose interest.
Like, what's the point, you know?
Mmm-hmm.
Like, a complete anhedonia sometimes.
Whoo! Dropping expensive words on me.
No, but I get what you mean though.
I think I'd like to work with people in some way, though.
Like a social worker?
Maybe more just helping people through tough shit.
Whatever job that is.
So, why are you sitting so far away?
I didn't want to just show you the roof.
I hope that's not a bad thing.
No, um...
No, I guess I'm just nervous.
Too nervous to scoot over here a little bit?
No.
Shit.
What a shame. I thought you'd be ready.
I, uh...
I guess you're just gonna have to watch first.
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck? Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy, come on, man!
Jimmy, come on, man!
Come on! Got to wake up, dude!
Jimmy is dead as fuck, yo.
What the fuck did you just do?
I drank his blood.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Poor Jimmy.
His only mistake was keeping shitty company.
You, on the other hand...
That thing that you did.
The thing that you hoped that no one would find about,
the thing you thought you got away with,
it's precisely why you're here.
What?
Do you want me to say her name?
How do you know that?
My super sexy vampire power, silly.
It's Claire, by the way.
Unless you thought it was a lucky guess.
What the hell is going on?
You know, I really wouldn't sweat the details, Todd.
So right now you got exactly the length of this cigarette
to come to terms with the fact that for once in your life,
it's just not gonna work out for you.
Not a lot of stars.
That's the one good thing about where I come from.
You can see the whole damn Milky Way at night.
You hungry at all?
My first night in LA,
and it's already the best night of my life.
I'm not trying to be weird.
God, I hope that didn't sound too dramatic.
No.
But if we can make it more special,
if you had one night here, one night only,
what else would you wanna do?
Probably wanna see the sunrise at the ocean.
The sun sets in the west. It doesn't rise.
- Fuck. - But we can still go.
So, not to sound all emo,
but can I see you again?
I think this is more just like a one-night thing.
Oh...
- I'm sorry. - No, no. Um...
It has nothing to do with you.
It's fine. You don't have to explain yourself.
It's not the first time...
...you know...
That's enough.
I like this one.
She reminds me of somebody I used to know.
In case you haven't figured it out...
Shoveled a lot of shit in your life, haven't you?
How would you like to hold the keys to the kingdom for a change?
Do you know what it is I'm asking?
Duke, are you sure?
Why don't we give you some time to think about it?
If you survive.
Shit.
Laurel, where the fuck have you been?
I've been calling you all night.
And you still haven't called Mom by the...
Jesus fucking Christ, what happened?
Nothing.
- Did somebody do this to you? - No.
- Laurel. - I'm fine.
- It's just, stupid... - What?
- I fell. - What?
I was drunk and I didn't sleep enough
and I fell.
I woke up, everyone was gone.
- You fell? - I fell, Mark.
Wait, your friends just up and bailed on you?
I guess.
Probably didn't know what to do
and booked it.
Why the fuck didn't you call me?
Because I smashed my phone.
Well, that's fucking great.
Please don't tell Mom.
Hey, do I need to take you to the hospital?
Mmm-mmm. I just need to rest.
You wanna take my bed?
No, I'm just
gonna pass out right here, if that's all right.
Could you close the blinds though?
It's fucking bright in here.
Hey, you gotta do me a favor, though.
Call Mom.
Tell her you dropped your phone in the toilet or something.
- Okay? - Mmm-hmm.
- What time is it? - 7:00.
Oh.
It feels like I've been asleep forever.
It's Sunday.
Holy shit.
You hungry?
Not really.
You should eat something anyway.
You know what? I'm okay.
Just eat it.
Whoa! Hey!
Lolo, you okay in there?
What's going on with you?
Jesus.
You sure you don't need to go to the hospital?
No. I'm fine.
- Laurel. - I'm fine!
Okay.
Ah.
Fuck.
Hi, can I help you guys with something?
Is Laurel home?
It's a bit late.
Is it?
Are you gonna let us in or what?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, kid.
- Nice boxers. - Yeah, thanks.
How are you feeling?
I'm fine.
You were supposed to meet us, remember?
Yeah, sorry about that.
Sorry about the other night.
I'm glad you're okay.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Are these the fucking assholes who ditched you?
No, they're not.
Thought we'd stop by and see if you're still down.
Glad we found the place. You weren't answering your phone.
Okay, why's everyone talking so cryptically?
And why's she sorry about the other night?
Mark, can you just...
Can you just go put on some pants?
He's fine the way he is.
Oh, how fucking rude of me
to be in my living room in boxers
at, the middle of the fucking night?
Mark!
Okay.
Yeah, just, um...
Just give me a second to get ready.
Okay.
- So, are you guys like... - Vampires?
Yup.
Am I a vampire now?
Do you wanna be?
I don't know.
Can vampires get drunk?
Bitch, you can get as lit as you want.
Were you gonna kill me?
Does that scare you?
Not really.
Why not?
My life's already kind of been like a horror movie.
Most of it. So...
Fuck it.
Careful, that's the last one.
What is it?
The cure.
If you take it before you feed,
you'll turn back into your old self.
Now would be the time for any questions.
Do you guys kill people?
Indiscriminately.
Innocent people?
Say it's like 80/20.
You know, we try to target the trolls,
the privileged and their apathetic trust fund kids,
but we're not a movement.
We're a terrorist organization, at best.
So, you were gonna kill me.
Yes.
Why?
People you're attracted to taste better.
I don't wanna kill people.
Too bad.
Knock it off.
The world's a meatgrinder, kid.
Especially if you're a woman.
I don't think you need a Power Point presentation to know that one's true.
We're politically, socially, and mythologically fucked.
Our roles are secondary.
Our body's suspect, alien, other.
We're made to be monsters, so let's be monsters.
Let's be gods.
What we offer here is not the chance to join a group,
but the chance to truly be an individual.
That's the pitch.
What about my family?
What about them?
Izzy directs music videos and visits her brother all the time.
Frog does tattoos out of her dad's shop in Eagle Rock.
And Roya...
has a cat.
Mister Kitty.
We stick together because we want to.
Because it's safer.
But you can do whatever you want,
just don't break the rules.
All right, what are the rules?
Glad you asked.
The first rule of Bite Club...
Bite Club?
Juggalos was taken.
We don't actually have a name.
I just... I was trying to sound cool.
What about Bit Girls?
Nah, sounds like we're part of STEM or something.
Anyway...
Rule number one,
you never glamour another vampire.
Okay? You never invade their minds
to affect their decisions.
Rule number two.
You kill what you eat.
Otherwise it turns,
and we're not ready for that kind of expansion yet.
All potential recruits are decided by me, and me alone,
but we all have veto power.
Which brings me to our final, and most important rule.
You never, ever, turn a man.
It's off limits.
Men can't handle power.
They have it already and look at what they've done with it.
What about me?
Never crossed my mind.
So, what do you say, ladies?
All those in favor of Laurel joining the V-Squad.
Yup.
Yeah.
All right.
K.
This is Jacob.
When Jacob isn't listening to Joe Rogan
prat along about ayahuasca, he's on Twitter
under the user name, shitlordshaman89
where he tells young women
they deserve to be raped to death.
He also spends his time growing conspiracy molds
about the deep state and the vile petri dish of subreddits
with other like-minded fucksticks.
However, one of these conspiracies
involves the idea that there's a secret cabal
of female vampires that stalk Los Angeles.
Broken clocks, am I right?
So, Jacob and his buddies,
they get together and they share stories
and they fancy themselves vampire hunters.
Don't you, Jacob?
Luckily for us, Jacob is also on Tinder
where he goes by his full name, Jacob Oflinger,
and, yes, he's posing with a fish he caught.
He describes himself as old-fashioned and a bit fashy.
All it took Frog was a few choice photos to lure him out
of whatever baby cave he was holed up in.
Crunch time, kid.
This is the part where you take the red pill
and kick it in wonderland,
or go back home to Kansas.
That's it.
You're nothing but a cat with its prey.
Do it!
I'm sorry. I can't.
I can't do it.
No. You just need more time.
Duke, what are you doing? Let go of me.
- Duke! - Let go!
- She's made up her mind. - I know what I'm doing.
Let me go! Help!
- Let her go. - Help me! Help!
Help!
What do we do now?
- Nothing. - What?
We let her go.
She'll learn. She'll feed.
As for you...
What's so fucking funny?
We got you bitches in hell.
What are you doing, man? Fucking waste 'em.
Yeah, hurry the fuck up!
Come on.
Ahhh!
Not so fucking fast.
You'll put...
the flamethrower...
down.
Your mental bullshit
ain't gonna work on me, snowflake.
I'm linked to the master.
I want the code...
to the vault.
Go fuck yourself.
Ahhh!
Smoke me, motherfucker! I'm not giving you shit.
You don't understand.
He promised me.
He promised.
So, if you want your little friend to live
you will release him!
I will never release him.
I could give two shits and a fuck what you'll do.
Even if I did,
he wouldn't give you what you wanted anyway.
Release him! God damn it!
Or else I'll barbeque all of you.
- Do it. - Release him now.
Argh!
I'd ask how you were doing, but...
frankly, you seem to be doing pretty well.
All things considered.
How is she?
Frog?
She'll live.
You?
Did you come up here to give me a speech?
Don't flatter yourself.
This is my thinking roof.
What was all that?
Maybe not right now, all right?
No, fuck that. I wanna know everything.
You owe me that.
I guess I do.
Part of the reason we stick together is because we have to.
Those two young guys...
were vampire hunters.
That old man...
he was a Familiar.
Something that vampires used to have.
Well...
one vampire used to have.
Someone to do his dirty laundry.
Literally,
his dirty laundry,
file his taxes, whatever.
In exchange for the promise that one day he would turn them.
But he would never turn them.
Who was he?
Vlad...
Manfred...
Castaneda.
The Master.
And?
I'm getting there.
In this world, it takes a tremendous...
amount of guts,
for some people to merely exist.
Much less, be who they truly are.
And back when I was a little bit younger than you are now...
to be who I wanted to be, I had to run away from home.
I won't bother you with what fucking farm I came from.
But when I was 15...
I knew exactly where I had to get to.
New York City.
But this was New York in the '70s.
A shithole.
And I didn't have a dime to my name or a pot to piss in.
But I didn't care.
Because I was free.
So I did what I had to do.
Whatever I had to do.
And I fought...
and I scraped.
And I learned how to survive.
Until finally...
I learned how to thrive.
I'd found my home.
And I'd even found my people.
I was exactly who I wanted to be.
And nobody...
I mean nobody...
was ever going to take that away from me.
And that's when I met him.
He was beautiful.
Magnificent.
Like an archangel.
I was mesmerized.
But I knew that couldn't be right.
I mean, I'm a full-blown, fucking dyke.
And here I was drooling over this...
man.
I couldn't help myself.
Because I wasn't really me.
I was a slave.
I was one of his brides.
There to serve his every depravity.
And it was like that...
for decades.
It was like being trapped inside myself.
I was aware of who I was, who I used to be.
But I could do nothing about it.
He could shapeshift.
Turn to mist.
I don't know exactly, how old he was.
But we're talking centuries.
And when you live that long, the days turn to hours.
Decades in to evenings.
When you can never OD.
When you can never...
be hungover or get sick.
The only thing you can become addicted to...
is the lifestyle.
He started losing his grip.
And that's when I took my shot.
She was the first bride.
The oldest and strongest of us.
He'd saved her from some 14th century mud hut
where her dad and uncles fucked the goat
when they were too drunk to bother with her.
But she truly loved him.
But she knew I was right.
His heart refused to burn...
so I locked it away.
And consume him...
piece by piece.
Why do you do that?
Because it gives me a taste of his power.
It makes him my fucking slave.
So, why not just eat the heart?
I can't.
Whenever I take from him I can feel him kicking around in my head.
I'm afraid of what will happen if I take too much.
So that's why we never glamour another vampire.
And why no man will ever be a vampire again.
Make no mistake,
given enough time and the chance,
they would all do what he did.
If they had the power to.
If they knew they wouldn't be held accountable.
Tell me I'm wrong.
I don't know that I can.
I picture a world where every woman is a vampire.
Let men be the ones who are afraid to fucking jog at night.
Hey.
Wanna see something cool?
I don't know how much more I can take tonight.
No.
This you'll like.
This everyone likes.
Take my hand.
Okay.
Think happy thoughts.
Oh, shit.
Trust me.
Focus on your stomach and try to pull me in to you.
- Whoa, slow down. - I can't.
Holy shit, I can fucking fly.
You now know kung fu too.
- Really? - No.
This is fucking amazing!
All right, all right, Jesus.
You know what? Let's get out of the sky before someone sees us and we end up on the news.
I have to ask you something else first.
Shoot.
It's about the first bride.
What about her?
That usually doesn't happen so fast.
I cannot fucking believe it.
I'm a goddamn vampire!
I know,
but we can't stay here much longer.
- We must leave here now. - Oh, okay.
Thank you, for this.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you too.
Duke, no.
This is the hole.
This is where you go if you break the rules.
Which one did she break?
The important one.
So, how was she...
The only thing that can kill a vampire...
is fire.
And you have to burn the heart.
How long is she going to be down there?
As long as it takes.
And she's all alone?
Can you imagine?
No.
Good.
So don't fuck up.
So, uh...
you...
trying to go home tonight?
What's with you?
Are you kidding?
It's too easy.
So?
So that's the problem.
It's not me.
Um...
I don't think it is.
I don't know. How do you do it?
I just do.
I mean, you were going to do it to me.
Glad I didn't.
I'm serious.
You're still hung up on that shit?
You know...
Maybe, I don't want it to be easy.
Were you given a choice?
Yeah.
Why did you do it?
You don't know?
Agency, I guess?
Kicks? I mean, I don't really think about it.
That's the other thing.
I get we don't age, that we stay the same, but...
what if people start asking questions?
Yeah, I mean, you got a few years.
People just think you're aging well.
Christ, I'm going to be 18 forever.
There are worse fates, than eternal youth and glamour.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why Frog signed up in the first place.
Just think on it like this,
if science and medicine keep progressing,
the logical endgame wouldn't just be to just prolong life
but to stop death and preserve youth, so...
we leapfrogged ahead.
Lolo, where are you?
You're ignoring me, you're ignoring Mom.
I'm getting calls from Andy 'cause you won't answer his calls either.
Call me back.
Yes, Mom.
I'm fine, I'm having fun.
- Well... Bill, say hi to your daughter. - Hi, honey.
Hi, Daddy.
You sound so tired.
I am.
Is your brother being nice to you?
Yes, Mom.
We don't have anything to worry about, do we?
No.
I know.
Yes.
Hold on a second, let me grab something.
Honey, what's up?
Nothing.
You promise?
Yes. I just...
I haven't gotten a lot of sleep
the past couple of nights and I...
guess it's caught up to me.
Look, we know you're experimenting and all and
we did the same thing when we were your age, but
you're staying away from the hard drugs, right?
Yes, Mom.
And you're not drinking and driving?
No, Mom.
You can tell me if something is wrong.
You know that?
I know.
Okay.
I'll stop.
Well, I guess I'll just
let you go then.
You know you can come back home anytime you want, right?
I know.
You can.
All right.
Love you, honey.
I love you too, Mom.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hey, you talked to Mom?
- Yeah. - Cool.
Well, guess who I have here for you?
It's Andy. He's been trying to get a hold of you.
Yo, here she is. I caught her ass.
Hey.
Hey, bitch, why have you been ducking me?
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I really am.
It's just, things have been really,
insane.
I don't think I would know how to explain it, even if I could.
Just do it in person. Did Mark tell you?
Tell me what?
I am going to come visit you next week.
Already bought my ticket.
What?
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
Okay.
You just...
Why not?
It's just...
I'm going through...
something.
So am I.
I'm sorry, I really am.
Fucking classic, I knew this shit was gonna happen.
Andy, it has nothing to do with you, I promise.
It's just...
Andy?
Boo.
Inland fucking empire.
Ew.
Of course they'd be here.
Oh, shit.
We've prepared for this, everyone stay frosty.
Right, captain fucking 20 year old.
Get the chargers and napalm ready.
We blow these bitches to kingdom come, if they step foot in here.
We know they aren't impervious to bullets
and we know fire kills them.
This is our moment.
All in.
I told you, we should get the fuck out of here.
Mind your surroundings and stand tight now, we're safe together.
Why do they always think we don't have weapons?
I gotta go.
- Wait, you just fucking got here. - I know, I've got plans.
Oh... I see.
Shadows me my whole life,
steals my taste in music, worships at my feet but now I'm the lame one.
Look...
Oh, no, it's cool, it's cool. I'd be hanging out at spice world too, if I was you.
Hey, you sure they wouldn't wanna just come hang out with us here?
I'm sure.
Okay, fine.
- Love you. - Yup.
Call of Duty?
Your new digs.
Go nuts.
Thanks.
Welcome home.
What? No coffin?
Why would we do that?
Uh, 'cause it's dope.
Layman.
Honestly, I don't, I don't think it could be described
for the layman. That was... That was the chemistry...
Guy's an idiot.
I wouldn't call myself a feminist.
And not because I don't agree, of course...
I agree with feminism.
I just think that by saying I'm a feminist
implies that I'm already there.
That I have the answers and I... I have done all the work.
And I don't think honestly a man can be a feminist.
Men right now, I think they need to step out of the way.
They need to step out of the way and they need to what?
Listen.
You know, you gonna have to feed.
Sooner or later.
You all right?
I am fine.
I'm just, uh...
I'm waiting for my Uber.
Uh...
Hey, oh, what's your name?
Laurel.
I'm Cici.
Like two C's...
C-C together.
Yeah, I got it.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a cigarette, would you?
- Oh, um... - Um... let me.
Oh, if you would...
There we go, I got one.
- Hmm. - Here.
Ah, thank you.
- Hello. - Oh, huh. You're welcome.
- Um... have a good night. - Yeah, here's your lighter back.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Help! - Shit!
Ahhh.
- What the hell are you doing? - What are you doing here?
Making sure you don't do anything stupid.
- You are watching me? - Yeah.
And good thing I was too.
I'm so profoundly bored by your crisis of conscience.
I'm gonna need you to get with the fucking program.
Well, you said I could do whatever.
Not if it's going to get you killed.
Or better yet, get us killed.
You wanna be trigger shy?
Fine.
The longer you fight the hunger, the bigger the mistake you'll make.
Trust me.
Come on.
What's going on?
Andy tried to kill himself.
What?
He swallowed a bottle of aspirin.
He's not dead.
His liver is fucked and he's in intensive care, but he's gonna be fine.
He left a note, I guess.
No idea what it says, but...
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to tell you in person.
- Why didn't he... - Call you?
Nobody's been able to get a hold of you at all.
I think I need some help.
No.
Not this time.
I can't do this anymore.
Do what anymore?
Why the fuck do you think I moved so far away, huh?
I don't know... To be an actor, I guess.
Which you haven't once asked me about, by the way.
But, no, that's not it.
To get away from me?
Yes.
Why? Do I embarrass you?
No.
No, fuck you.
I was never embarrassed.
Ever!
Don't you dare try and accuse me of that.
I always stuck by you.
Through all the fighting and the family therapy
and every time you tried to swallow a fucking bottle of pills.
Through every emotional goddamn ringer.
I was always there and I always stood up for you.
Especially to Mom and Dad.
And I'm so glad
that everything's all peachy keen between you all now, I really am.
But I'm sick of being involved in your drama.
My life is not defined by you anymore.
You know when people call me, the first thing they ask is if you're okay?
"How's Laurel? Is she okay?"
"Poor thing, I hope she's doing better."
Nobody ever asks if I'm okay.
But guess what? I'm not,
and neither was your friend.
And maybe if you weren't out kicking ass with the cheetah girls,
you'd have fucking noticed.
Don't you for a second blame this on me.
I never stood in the way of you becoming who you are.
But it turns out who you are
is a selfish bitch.
Mark.
Shit.
Fuck! Come on, Mark.
Come on.
Mark!
Mark...
- Come on. - Ugh.
Help me!
Help!
Help me!
You're gonna be okay.
Help!
You're gonna be fine.
Help me!
What the fuck are you guys just looking at? Help me!
Duke!
Duke, I'm so sorry.
What have you done?
I messed up.
Is that who I think it is?
Laurel, no.
He hasn't fed yet too, please, I just need the cure.
- Please, I'll do anything. - The cure?
You can throw me in the hole for however long, five years, 10 years. I don't give a fuck.
Just, please.
You mean this cure?
God, thank you.
It's an aeroplane bottle of Everclear, with the label scratched off.
What?
There is no fucking cure.
We were just gonna kill you.
Tough titties, kid.
No.
I'm sorry, but you brought this on yourself.
Duke, don't you fucking touch my brother.
Laurel.
Either you kill him or I do.
What's going on?
You have about five seconds to decide.
Okay, just... back off.
Give me some space.
Laurel.
Run.
Fuck.
What are you gonna do? Kill us all?
When are you going to grow up?
Look around you.
How long are you gonna remain a fucking teenager?
I never got to be one.
He took it from me.
Get over it.
Let's go, okay?
And what were all you ladies bickering about?
Mark...
Laurel, huh?
Stop the car.
We're not stopping the fucking car.
Stop the car.
Okay.
I don't know any of you.
But I know you know who I am.
And I know what you've been told.
How dare you sit in judgment of me.
What was that line from that movie?
Most people will never have to know what they're capable of.
Once, I was benevolent.
Once, I was heroic.
Once, I was charitable. Once, I was cruel.
Once, I was cruel
and once, I was decadent.
All these things,
I have been and more and yet you insist
on painting me with one single brush.
Just because I what?
Made you feel love?
Plucked you from obscurity and gave you eternal life?
How horrible.
Rule number one.
No glamouring another vampire, that's the way you have it, right?
Yet...
I can feel my glamour in the air.
Did you ever tell them?
You all had no idea, did you?
Oh, it's subtle
to be sure, but it's there.
She's in your heads.
Nudging your decisions.
Using my stolen power, to influence your lives.
It isn't true.
Hey.
Who am I to judge?
Whatever makes you attractive, right? Well...
all that's over now.
Is that true?
Tell them.
Duke.
I did it, to make it easier to help you.
And there we have it.
Don't be too harsh on her though, girls.
You know...
it's been so long, I think I need to celebrate.
A night on the town, what do you think?
Maybe,
dress you up all nice and foxy.
Mmm.
On the other hand...
I think I'd rather just kill you.
Who do we have here?
I suppose, it is the new millennium.
A-ha.
Not sure you've been paying attention, but...
Laurel.
I suppose you'll reconsider my brother.
He'll turn cruel.
You watch and learn.
Maybe you need some time to think about it then.
So, what do you guys say we come up with some new rules?
So... vampires, huh?
- Yeah. - Great.
I'm sorry.
This is so fucked.
I don't want this.
I don't wanna even be a vampire.
Neither did I.
Life's full of shit you never think should happen.
And it does.
You should just kill me.
No.
I don't want to drink fucking blood, Laurel.
Then, don't.
We'll figure this out, we've got time.
What if she's right?
What if I turn... cruel?
Fuck that.
Look, just 'cause you're a dude doesn't mean you have an excuse to become a shithead.
Control your goddamn behavior and you'll be fine.
Or what?
Or...
else.
Mark, I'm sorry.
For everything.
We can do this together.
I've got your back, I will do my best to never let you down.
You know, maybe we have a chance to do something here.
Like what?
I don't know.
I picture a world where everyone's a vampire.
'Cause then we'd all be forced to deal with each other until we figure our shit out.
I'm fucking scared, Lolo.
It's gonna be okay.
So what do we do now?
Maybe what everyone with power should do and never does.
Share it.
Who's next?
Well, that was fun,
I hope they make more of these and I promise there's no way
I'd get pregnant in the fourth one.
Subtitles by explosiveskull