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(wood creaking)
(electronic tones)
(water rushing)
(acoustic guitar music)
You know, they say people in glass houses
should throw stones, but I think people in any type
of house shouldn't throw a stone.
I mean, I'm not even worrying
about like the glass windows or anything.
People, why are you throwing stones at people?
Where are you even getting these stones?
Am I the weird one?
I don't have stones in my place.
Is that weird?
Ford Fiesta.
Why do they call it that?
I feel like it's never really a fiesta
when you get inside, right?
It's just like it's a car.
I went apple-picking the other day.
Oh, I wish you guys were there.
I went apple-picking, I got myself an iPad.
And an iPhone.
6C.
The term glory hole, it's kind of a weird use
of the word glory, don't you think?
I mean, it's not-- (toilet flushes)
How you doing?
(phone ringing)
Hey, this is Scott, leave a message after the beep.
(beeping) Hey, sweetie.
I'm sorry LA didn't work out.
I know how much you wanted to be a comedian.
But maybe it's for the best.
Your father and I can't wait to have you home.
Drive safe, love you.
♪ Try to make it by ♪
♪ And try to keep it all inside because it's ♪
♪ Always do or die ♪
♪ It's always do or die ♪
♪ It's funny how you try ♪
♪ The joke is never on your side because it's ♪
♪ It's always do or die ♪
Hey.
Who's that?
- Hey, Scotty, hey. - What's up, Pop?
Did you know bears can smell food from three miles away?
Didn't know that.
- Yeah, me neither. - It's crazy.
[Gary] Yeah.
Place looks nice.
Well, we got a new couch last year.
- This one? - Mm-hmm.
That's great.
It's great.
You know where Mom is?
She's at the store.
Yeah, she'll be back in a little while.
[TV Narrator] Leaving the juveniles to attempt the risky,
if effective, dash and grab.
All right, good to see you.
[TV Narrator] And brown bears do go
- into a deep sleep during-- - Good to see you too.
[TV Narrator] Known as torpor.
Hibernation is when...
Hello, Sister.
Ah.
Hello.
Look who it is.
Comedy world's slowest-rising star.
Right off the bat.
Wow, okay, because I see you're still living
with our parents at 30 so...
Pretty sure you're older than me
and just moved back in with our parents, so...
I'm also saving up.
I'm managing the pretzel shop at the mall now.
Did you just try bragging
about working at a pretzel shop in a mall?
I'm just saying one of us has a job and it's not you.
Or, oh god.
Don't tell me Dad's gonna hire you back.
No, I am not gonna work for him ever again.
You say that now, but I'm pretty sure you once said
you were never coming back here, so...
I'm not back here.
I mean, I'm obviously back here, but I'm not back here.
- I'm not back-- - You having a stroke?
Better question is are you still dating that guy
with the vanity license plate?
Oh, remember, it said mortify?
Okay, well I'm dating a cop now.
I don't believe that for a second.
You are dating a cop?
A security guard.
There it is.
His name is Ruis and he's awesome.
Nobody dating you could ever be awesome.
And no one who lives with their parents
at 34 is even remotely cool, dip-shit.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you too.
I'm gonna drink tonight at the Whale's Tail.
- You want in? - Nope.
Hanging out with my boyfriend.
I fucking hate him.
Ugh, unbelievable.
(upbeat music)
So for four years, you hated it?
No, I actually loved it for the first year or so.
I mean, I was getting up a bunch.
I was writing, things were clicking.
And then, I don't know, man, things got harder
and harder and I got poorer and poorer.
You're broke too?
No no no no, I just thought it'd be really fun
to move back in with Gary and Jeanine.
Hey, don't get sassy with me.
I'm just saying, I was on your website.
I saw all types of dates and times.
You was booked, you was doing shows.
Yeah, those weren't so much dates as they were open mics.
You were back doing open mics?
Seriously, you shoulda called more.
I know, I should've called.
I got three kids.
You don't think I want them to know who you are?
I know, I know, I know.
I promise, you I will call more.
I'll be around more, okay?
I know you have the machine back there.
Come on, bring it out because I got to sing.
You know I got to sing.
- No, it's not karaoke night. - But it could be.
If I give you a free shot, will you shut up?
Yes.
See, this, this, I miss this, right?
This feels like home.
Drinking.
Not by myself.
You didn't have any friends out there?
No, not really.
I mean, who makes new friends in their 30s?
Everyone.
Okay.
I follow you on Instagram.
You just posted a picture with Alyssa Milano.
- Yeah. - How was that?
We weren't hanging out as much as I saw her in a Costco.
I took a picture and then I ran the other direction.
Were you always a liar?
Look at me in my goddamn eyes right now.
10th grade, Leslie Ambrose.
Did she really give you a hand-job?
Leslie Ambrose did absolutely give me a hand-job.
That was probably my peak.
Your peak should not be a hand-job.
I know.
I know, I know, I know.
So, now that we got that out of the way, how is Becks?
No, I like how you tried to, uh, no.
We're not gonna talk about Becks.
- Come on. - Come on.
No, we're not doing it.
I'm gonna go ahead and put a request in
that you don't even bring her name up anymore.
Request denied, let's get right back into it.
Do you and Lauren actually hang out with her?
Is it like a double-date situation
or what is the whole deal?
Dude, I told you I got three kids.
I don't hang out with anybody a bunch
except for they little asses.
Matter of fact, when I get done
with this here beer, I'm going home.
No, we're hanging out.
You can't just go home.
Dude, it's almost nine o'clock at night.
I start my route at 5:00 a.m.
Oh my god, that is so depressing.
It is, it's depressing, but it's adulting too.
It's called being a man.
Ohf, how is Becks though?
Is she cool?
Do you hang out with her?
- Fine. - Yes.
Give it to me, go.
I hang out with them time and time again.
I see them.
That's why I need to know, is that gonna be a problem?
What?
'Cause the first time I invite you over to the house
for one of the boys' birthday parties,
I don't need there to be any weird tension.
And I know, I know that Owen
is gonna feel uncomfortable around you.
Owen's not gonna be comfortable with me being there?
Are you...
Like, Owen should fucking love me.
If I didn't skip town like an asshole,
he never would've gotten married to Becks.
See, now that skip town like an asshole comment
is what concerns me.
- Owen would be uncomfortable? - Yes.
Dude, I'm not trying to be a dick.
You left her.
You left here.
Right.
(urine splashing)
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's, it's...
Did I get pee on you?
- What? - No.
I mean, did you get your own pee on you?
No, I'm fine, please stop looking at my penis.
- Yeah, all right.
Come on, buddy.
Are you pissing in the sink?
Uh.
No.
(chuckles)
Do you want me to call you a cab?
What?
Listen, do you want me to call you a taxi?
Sorry, I don't need a taxi 'cause I have the Lyft.
You have Lyft?
Lyft is unbelievable
'cause you don't have to know where you are.
You know, you just hit the thing
and a guy from another country comes
and takes you right home, it's like magic.
But you do know where you are?
When?
Right now.
Now?
Do you know where you are right now?
- Yes. - Okay, tell me.
- Where are you? - Here.
- Oh my goodness. - Whoa, hey, that's no good.
What are you doing?
What, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
- Look, I know what this is. - Okay.
I got a guy, he'll help you.
He's on the corner of Walnut and Laurel--
Hey, hey, hey, for the last time,
don't bother the customers.
I'm sorry about him.
You're good, you're good, it's fine.
We're just two guys talking skin conditions, taking pisses.
Yeah, I'm not bothering anybody.
Oh, you think you're cute, huh?
No, I don't think I'm cute, okay?
I know I'm adorable.
Yeah?
- This guy loves me. - Really?
- He pissed in the sink. - I didn't piss in the sink.
- I saw him. - He literally just did it.
- He went on his tippy toes. - I saw you.
What?
(blanket rustling) (Scott grunting)
Hey, Scotty.
How'd you sleep?
You need anything in here, more pillows?
No, I'm fine, Mom.
And honestly, you didn't have to keep all this stuff.
Oh, what stuff?
What stuff?
Look at this, my VHS collection.
Honey, you really need to have someone
take a look at those.
I will, I will, I will, I will.
Should just change this room into,
like, Dad's office or something.
Well, he already has an office.
Speaking of which-- Don't, please don't, okay?
Meg already asked me about it.
I'm not gonna work back at the lumberyard, all right?
Okay, good, because your father and I talked about it
and he doesn't think it's a good idea.
Seriously?
Honey, you know how he felt about you leaving.
He always figured you'd run the place one day.
He figured I would run the place.
That's the word we should be looking at, he.
You know when I came home yesterday, he just shook my
hand? He didn't even get up out of his chair.
He just gave me a handshake.
You know how he is.
Just give him some time.
Oh.
And I like your room the way it is.
Figured if you'd need it, it's here.
Wow, not a lot of faith in my career decision huh, Ma?
Oh, just so you know, this morning,
I printed out that mailman application.
Why are you so psyched about that?
[Jeanine] Woo.
Mom, I don't wanna be a mailman.
(chair whirring)
Oh.
Oh, don't do it.
It's a fun chair, isn't it?
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I'm sorry.
When you said you knew a guy,
I had no idea that you were going to be that guy.
Bathroom the other night?
Oh, at the bar.
At the bar in the bathroom.
Oh yeah, listen, it's been a very crazy day here today.
- So, yeah, oh yeah. - Wow.
- Good to see you again. - Good to see you too.
All right, so what do we got going on?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I don't know what they're from,
maybe an allergic reaction to something.
Maybe a new detergent, but I can't get 'em away.
Yeah.
Have you been putting anything on it?
- Yeah. - Let me guess.
[Both] Hydrocortisone.
And it did...
[Both] Nothing.
Yeah.
Are you currently sexually active?
- What? - Sexually active.
You think there's an STD on my arm?
Well, you know.
No, I haven't been going around fisting strangers.
I don't just find somebody and stick my entire...
That would be my entire fucking forearm in there.
- Okay. - Sorry.
- Yeah. - That's good to know.
- Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
It's just a question I have to ask, that's all.
- Yeah.
Um.
No, I haven't had sex in awhile.
I haven't had sex in like a couple--
Okay, okay.
Duly noted.
I'm gonna take a look, all right?
Does kissing count?
If I, does kissing count?
It depends on where you kiss, I guess.
(laughs)
Let me see.
Hm.
Maybe you should be sexually active.
Those are good old-fashioned stress hives.
You can get hives from stress?
Oh, you'd be shocked at what stress can do to the skin.
It can play havoc with your integumentary system.
- That's a big word. - That's why I have the chair.
(both laughing)
No, integumentary is a fantastic word,
but just basically means skin.
My daughter went through a bad divorce a couple years ago
and she had the exact same reaction, the stress hive.
You see the zigzag pattern there?
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah. - Yeah, exact same.
Stress hives.
Yeah, or you could be dying of 30, 40 diseases.
- Who knows? - Oh, thank you for that.
Really helps my stress levels.
- Oh, so you are under stress. - Oh my god.
- Profoundly so, yeah. - Oh.
- Why? - Really?
[Marty] What's going on?
You don't have the time.
Oh, but I do have the time.
Believe me, I got plenty of time today.
I just checked my sign-in sheet
and the next patient coming in has a terrible rash
on his scrotum that I have to apply a topical suave to.
Plus, he looks like the human version of Eeyore.
The whole thing is a total nightmare.
So believe me, I have nothing but time.
Are you even allowed to tell me any of that?
Are you even a dermatologist?
I don't see a degree anywhere on any wall.
I graduated from the University of Phoenix.
I took two online classes.
Both of 'em, you took both online classes?
[Marty] Yeah.
The fact that I can't tell if you're kidding or not
does not make me very confident in your whole diagnosis.
No, no no no, now, listen.
I'm gonna prescribe a topical steroid for you.
Ah.
I actually am on the whole self-pay thing.
So is there any shot this will just disappear by itself?
Because my insurance is not really robust or existing.
Yeah, okay.
(speaking in foreign language)
As the French say, lovely parting gift.
Twice a day, morning and evening.
Keep it dry in between, okay?
And if they come back, I want you to call me.
Yeah.
And try to relax.
Because once when you start feeling overwhelmed--
That's what it is.
That's exactly what I've been feeling.
I just feel so overwhelmed.
Aren't we all, Mr. Rollins, aren't we all?
- Hey, man, I appreciate it. - Mm-mm.
- Yep, I shouldn't touch you. - No.
Okay. (Marty laughs)
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
- Mr. Herman, how are you? - Hey, doc.
[Marty] Go on back, good to see you, pal.
(pleasant music)
Okay.
(brakes squealing)
(batter hissing)
[TV Announcer] Ball one.
One away, second and eight.
Red Sox, two, Mets, nothing.
On deck, Ray Knight.
[Woman] God, I can't believe this.
[Howard] Give me a break.
(Howard squawks)
I'm so nervous.
It's just that I've never been around a...
I mean, I've never even had a pet sort of thing, you know,
always seemed like such a hassle.
- You know, feeding 'em. - Scotty.
Dinner.
All right.
[Howard] Try to be careful.
(phone beeping)
(phone ringing)
[Adam] Hi, this is Adam, I can't make it to the phone.
Please leave a message.
Hey, Adam, it's me.
Yeah, I'm sitting at home tonight and guess what's
on the TV, the 1986 World Series, right?
Mets versus the Red Sox, remember?
We watched like every game together.
You were like five and you loved that pitcher, Ron Darling.
Oh, and I made my famous blueberry pancakes.
Yeah.
Remember how when we went camping,
I always used to make the blueberry pancakes
that somehow would always seem like it was raining?
Remember that?
Oh god.
You and your sister just loved those pancakes.
- Anyway-- - Message length exceeded.
(phone beeps)
(Marty sighs)
(phone beeping)
(phone ringing)
[Adam] Hi, this is Adam, I can't make it to the phone.
Please leave a message.
I know you're not gonna call me back.
But I have to say it.
Please, call me back.
I mean, your sister gets on the phone when I call
and, you know, sometimes she'll humor me
and we'll stay on for like 10 minutes or so,
you know, if you can imagine that.
That's really all I'm looking for.
You know, just a couple of minutes.
But if you wanna keep playing this game of phone chicken,
then I'm in.
I'll call you, you'll ignore me.
And then we'll see which one of us gives in first.
- So anyway-- - Message length exceeded.
(phone beeps)
(Marty sighs)
This is nice.
Isn't this nice?
Damn good yard bird, Jeanine.
No, I mean the whole family's here.
Both my little birdies in the nest.
Do you know, I read somewhere that if a bird stays
in the nest, it means it has mental problems.
That's how you can tell if a bird isn't gonna make it.
Well, that's interesting.
I thought so too, Mom.
- You know what I read? - You can read?
Oh my god, that's such a funny joke.
You should tell it again for your number one fan
who's sitting right here, your mother.
I'm not ashamed that my mom is my number one fan.
Only fan, by the way.
We're having a, stop it, stop it.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, can we just--
Stop it, both of you.
I was wondering if it's okay
if Ruis comes over for dinner next weekend.
Absolutely.
Ruis is awesome.
That can't be true.
How do you know if it's true or not?
You've never even met him.
I don't need to meet him
because I've met all your other boyfriends.
Remember the guy whose job it was to play online poker?
Or do you remember the guy who always wore jean shorts?
Every single, Mom, every single day, he wore jean shorts.
Do you remember the one that looked like Kid Rock?
He didn't look anything like Kid Rock.
I apologize, he looked like Uncle Kracker.
(both laughing) See?
Even Dad and Mom liked that, my number one fan is laughing.
- Thank you, Mom. - Whatever.
- He did. - Ruis is awesome.
- Eat a dick. - Wow.
Meg, language.
Scotty, we do not make fun of Ruis.
Really?
That's a rule in this house now?
We can't use Ruis's name in vain?
What is he, Voldemort?
He's awesome.
Thank you, Dad.
Oh, Scotty, did you hear about Rory Seidel?
Who's Rory Seidel?
You went to school with him.
He used to work at Carvel's, remember?
Yes.
I remember Rory, that fucking weirdo.
Why, what happened?
He died.
It's so sad, he was only 32.
God, I remember that guy.
[Jeanine] Weren't you friends with him?
I wasn't friends with him, no, but Becky was.
(somber music)
(people whispering)
Pst, hey, Rollins, right?
Rollins.
Hey, how you doing?
Are you everywhere?
I get around.
What are you doing here?
Honestly, I don't even know.
Wow.
What?
- You killed Rory. - I didn't kill Rory.
That's why you were stressed.
What are you doing?
That's your hand on his shoulder
right before you strangled him.
Rory died of, don't, he died of leukemia.
Are you high?
Yeah.
Wow.
And why are you here?
Rory went to school with my kid.
Oh, the divorcee with stress hives.
No, my other one.
My son.
Speaking of which, how are they doing?
- You wanna see? - Yeah.
- In a church? - Yeah, yes, sir.
Fading already.
Who's better than me?
Nobody.
(woman groans)
(Marty chuckles)
Hey.
Why do they call it a wake anyway?
What do you mean?
Well, it's not like Rory's waking anytime soon.
Oh, but if he got up, if he got up right this second,
then we can call it a wake.
Yeah, that's Rory, the reawakening.
Will you two please shut up?
Yes, I apologize.
You stink of marijuana.
Oh, it's not me, it's him.
It is not me, you know it's him.
He's wearing a fedora.
(Marty chuckles)
Shit.
What's the matter?
I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be here.
- Oh god, are you okay? - Nana Marie.
[Scott] I'm sorry, are you okay?
Hey, hey, go, just go, just go, go.
- Thanks. - Go.
Ma'am, are you okay?
Get away from me.
Get your filthy hands off of her.
I'm just trying to help her.
I'm not playing grab-ass or anything.
(sighs)
You okay, Rollins?
Yeah, yeah, how is the woman?
Oh, the one you body slammed?
Yes.
That's a flagrant two, by the way.
Okay, what happened to her?
Uh, broken clavicle.
- Are you serious? - No, she's fine.
I'm just kidding.
Thank you, by the way.
You don't have to follow me out,
man, you can go back inside.
- No, actually I can't. - Why?
Because I was properly identified.
By who?
My son.
Oh, this is so wonderful.
This means you're a wake crasher too.
Well, I was gonna talk to him
after he paid his proper respects, but it's a long story.
- Right? - So, short answer,
I am also a wake crasher.
- Come on. - Yeah, let's get outta here.
- Don't look back. - Yeah, I'm, I'm, yeah.
Did you even know Rory?
Not enough to have been there, no.
I mean, I knew of him, but I knew that she knew him, so...
Oh, so you were just there to see the girl.
Yeah.
Yeah, let me guess, your ex,
the one that got away, that old classic?
Mm-mm.
No, the one I ran away from.
Oh, the remix.
Oh, you've heard of the remix?
Oh, so you're trying to get back together,
or are you just a good old-fashioned stalker?
I honestly don't even know.
It might be the latter,
which is really scaring the shit out of me.
Now, how old are you?
Why?
You're way too young to be this defeated.
Tony, two Jagerbombs, please.
- Jagerbombs. - Oh yes.
- How old are you? - 65, thank you very much.
Oo.
You know what, maybe I should find a girl
with daddy issues, what do you think?
Oo, probably more like granddaddy issues,
what do you think about that?
Oh, that's funny.
Well, I'm a comedian.
Really?
Why do you say it like that?
[Marty] Well, I don't get that from you.
What do you get from me then?
I get an insurance adjuster.
No.
I get a car salesman at a Kia dealership.
Oh wow, thank you.
- I get a dog walker. - A dog walker?
I get fundraiser for (speaking in foreign language).
Fine, I could be a fundraiser
for (speaking in foreign language).
(both laughing)
No, you're just cynical as shit.
You're morose even, you know?
Hey, you want some real jokes?
[Scott] Yeah.
[Marty] My Twitter account.
- DermatolOG. - Thank you.
Nicely done.
You have over 12,000 followers?
[Marty] That's me.
[Scott] And you're verified?
Is that what that blue check mark means?
You know what that blue check mark means.
When I die, I want someone to take over my account
and tweet boo, motherfuckers, every month or so.
This is actually, that's actually...
(laughs)
That's actually pretty amazing.
Well, I'm a good follow, man.
No, no, listen, I'm serious about that too.
So, if you're interested, doctorsmooooth@aol.com,
- that's four Os, thank you. - Wow, aol.com.
You really are 65.
What's your password, password?
No.
It's email.
(Scott laughs)
The password for your email is email?
Yeah, I live on the edge, man.
Anything to throw off those Russians.
- Oh my god. - All right.
Here it is, mother's milk for the soul.
- Ready? - Yeah, how do you do it?
You just drop it in or...
You've never done a Jagerbomb before?
Seeing as I'm not a 19 year old sorority girl,
- no, I've never done a-- - So cynical.
I'm not trying, just tell me.
What do you do, do you drop it in or what do you do?
[Marty] You drop it in, drink right away.
- Right away? - Yeah.
I can't drink fast, you sure?
Ready, boom.
(glasses clinking)
Up, in, now.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
I don't wanna.
Oh, come on.
It's good for you.
Come on, oh, come on.
That took way too long.
And?
That was a tasty beverage.
That was really fucking good.
You see, if there's one thing I know about, it's booze.
Not dermatological advice?
Oh fuck no.
Tony, two more, two more.
Absolutely not, Tony.
I've gotta go home.
Who cares about your home?
Long Island people are fantastic at drinking
like it's their last day on earth.
Drink up, you wake-crashing son of a bitch.
Let's go, bombs away.
- Yee. - Yeah, there you go.
Drop.
You don't even count down?
Hoist, come on, boom.
- Up yours. - What?
Mm-hmm.
Oo, for the win.
Eight ball in the corner pocket, all right?
Eight ball, don't be afraid of the dark, baby.
- Take us home, Marty. - Mm-hmm.
And if I make it, you have to go out with me.
Oh, I told you, I'm married.
What, to that idea, to the thing I just came up with?
You know, I love her enthusiasm.
Come on, I'm fun.
- I'm a lot of fun. - Okay.
- Yeah, all right. - Believe in yourself.
- Woo. - Breathe in.
[Marty] Yeah, I'm good.
How do you scratch...
You scratched on the eight,
you scratched on the eight ball though.
Ah.
A pleasure, a pleasure.
Very good game.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, it was a honor to lose to you.
Thank you so much, it was so much fun.
Vanessa, right?
You know, oh god, can I buy you a drink?
Or a car, or a condo.
That's a lot, that's a lot, take it down a notch.
Take it down a notch.
The four of us could live together.
- We'd be great. - We gotta go.
You see?
That's the story of my life.
The good ones just always go.
- So go, please. - Your dad's a charmer.
Apparently, right?
Okay, all right, bye.
Don't you wanna walk them out, Dad?
Yeah, you know, actually, I do.
I bet you do.
Yeah, hey, girls, girls.
Would you do me a favor and just call me when you get home,
'cause you know how I worry.
(hip hop music)
Oh, you know, what did I tell you guys?
Oh, Marty, not again, man.
You know, if you're gonna pump money into that machine,
you might as well play the original stuff.
What's the original stuff?
You don't know?
He don't know.
Here we go.
Hip hop, rap, all comes
from the same thing, jazz and soul.
[Xavier] All right, I'll play a little
Sly and the Family Stone next.
Take me higher.
- Look at this. - Grandpa knows his shit.
Hey, first of all, I am a grandpa.
And second, I do know my shit.
(both laughing)
Hey, these are my nephews.
This is Xavier.
Rocket ship.
Boo, and this is Aaron.
Yeah, all right.
It's nice to meet you guys.
Nice to meet you too, man.
We're not really his nephews.
No, I figured, I mean.
Why did you tell him?
He was gonna find out.
He was not gonna find out.
- He's a mil-- - Here, here, here, here.
So you found out about the wake
on Facebook and crashed it?
It wasn't just me, it was him too.
Just a little bit.
Facebook's messed up like that, man.
I mean, too much information can
be a bad thing, you know what I mean?
Man, screw social media.
Screw social media is right.
Facebook as an adult is all like political rants.
It's just so fucking stupid.
People checking in everywhere they go
like anyone gives a fuck.
And those damn inspirational quotes.
Oh my god, 'cause that's what I need.
Someone I haven't heard from since the 10th grade
tell me to dance like nobody's watching.
Come on, like, you know what I'm saying?
Wait, what about the baby pictures?
That's all I ever see.
Don't get me started on baby pictures.
You're proud of your baby, I get it,
but unless your kid is riding a motorcycle
through like a flaming hoop or is the new drummer
for Van Halen, I don't need to see four pictures a day.
You get one.
Everybody gets one baby picture and that's it.
Van fucking Halen.
- My man. - That is the whitest
goddamn reference I've heard in a long time.
Do you wanna hear white?
Today, I spent an hour downloading NPR podcasts
in a Jamba Juice.
- So... - Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen, step right up
and meet the whitest motherfucker in the world.
Hello, everybody.
I once bought a Bon Iver album in a Whole Foods.
Give me some more.
[Marty] Mm, come on, be a man.
There you go, there you go, there you go.
I really needed this.
Why is that?
I just haven't been out much since I've been back.
All my friends have adult lives.
It's such a mind-fuck.
Yeah, well...
The older you get, the less friends you have.
I just feel like I would have my life figured out by now.
I mean, all my friends do.
Let me tell you something about life,
nobody has their shit figured out.
Everybody moves at their own speed.
I understand that, but I just fucking regret the way--
Something about the blonde?
Yes, yes, yes.
Because when I left, she said that I was the one.
Those were her words.
She told all my friends, she said that I was the one.
I hear you, I hear you, and that's cool.
But maybe she wasn't the one for you.
You know?
'Cause sometimes those things don't always line up.
That's why the good lord gave us weed and booze, you know?
They're numbing agents against regret,
because regret is real.
It's one of the few things in the world that is.
How so?
What does that even mean?
It means that happiness fades, okay?
And sadness dulls over time, it just does every time.
But regret, that shit is real, man.
That shit lingers.
(coughs)
I saw a little hint of the comedian back at the bar.
You were funny, man, you were really funny.
- Nah, come on. - No, it's cool.
You gonna be working anytime soon?
'Cause I would come and check you out.
Oh no.
I'm not feeling really funny lately.
Oh, too bad.
It's a Tuesday night and you're a little drunk
and you're smoking dope with your dermatologist,
you should...
(both laughing)
You should write that shit down.
Write that shit down, I'd pay to see that.
I don't talk about my personal life.
I do more like jokes and bits.
Jokes and bits?
Yeah, jokes and, why are you looking at me like that?
I don't know what that is.
I get on the stage and I tell, I say funny words.
- Funny words? - Yeah.
All right.
You know, the guys I like the best are the guys who are real
that talk about real stuff in their life, you know?
The real guys are the ones that you remember.
[Scott] Mm.
Why don't you talk about your real life?
- I don't really have a life. - That's hilarious.
That's not supposed to be funny.
- That's hilarious. - That's sad and depressing.
Don't laugh at that.
And you're laughing that I'm a fucking loser.
What about you, what about you, huh?
What, what about me?
Was the big dream to be a suburban dermatologist?
No, no no no no no.
I started out in medicine, in general medicine.
I was gonna be a surgeon.
I was a resident at St. Anthony's
- in Bethpage, Long Island. - Dude, that's where I was born.
I thought you looked familiar.
You see this face?
It was that newborn with that head of hair.
That's me.
I was all hair when I came out.
No, I just had this interesting epiphany.
- I was terrified of blood. - Jeez.
Yeah, freaked me out.
So I made a U-turn, went back to school,
and reemerged as a doctor of de skin.
[Scott] Mm.
And it was more mellow and better for me.
And at the time, I needed more structure,
'cause I was living hard.
I was running in the fast line.
- Like a rolling stone. - Yeah, like Keith Richards.
- Like Keith Richards. - Yeah, man.
It was...
And then my first wife died and I needed to regroup and...
I'm sorry about that, man, I had no idea.
Why would you, you know?
I had a second wife and she died too.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, yeah, but hey listen, I'm not the Durst guy.
You know, I'm not, no.
Just, they were both different situations.
But both, you know.
But my second wife was a godsend.
She just helped me.
I really needed to tame the beast, so to speak.
And...
Is that why your kid didn't want to see you today?
Wasn't a fan of the beast?
No, he's not a fan of the beast.
Yeah.
[Cop] Freeze.
Stay where you are, the both of you.
It's the cops.
What should I do with the joint?
- Should I eat it? - Eat it?
All right.
No no no, what are you fucking doing?
You just swallowed...
I said it like a question.
I said eat it?
- Hands where I can see them. - Yeah, yep.
Act like you're not high. (window tapping)
- Lower the window. - Yeah, of course.
Lower it down.
(window whirring)
- All the way down. - It's just an old car.
- All the way down. - Here it comes.
Here it comes.
- Is that weed I smell? - No.
No, no no no no no.
We're actually-- (Marty coughs)
[Cop] Oh.
I'm sorry.
Why don't you shut your fucking mouth?
You're right, we should shut our fucking mouths.
We should shut our fucking mouths.
We should get the hell out of here.
We shouldn't even be here to begin with.
I am sorry, is your name Ruis?
- Yes. - Yes.
Dude, Scott, I'm Meg's brother.
- Wait, Scott? - Yes, dude, Scott.
- Hey, man, how you doing? - What's up, brother?
- I'm so happy to meet you. - Good to meet you, man.
- This is Marty. - Oh hey.
I'm sorry, Marty, how you doing?
He swallowed his joint
because we thought you were gonna kill us.
[Marty] I'll find it later.
(all laughing)
Mm.
That's really good weed, Marty.
Ruis, I gotta say, the way you came at us,
oo, I fucking loved it.
- Pretty cool, right? - Yes, very cool.
It's kinda like hey.
Shut your fucking mouth.
That was scary.
It's good, right?
Yeah, that's pretty scary.
- I try. - Yeah, it's good.
You guys should try it, man.
Like, this whole the cop thing.
It's really fun.
Really, you know, brings it out, you know?
Oh.
Don't move a muscle, scumbag.
Because if you move a muscle,
I'ma shoot you in your asshole.
- Yeah. - Ow.
Praying for your life won't do you any good
'cause right now, you're looking into the eyes
of the devil himself.
- That's really good. - Every duck has his limit.
And you, scum, just pushed me over the line.
Duck?
You can use it if you want.
But full disclosure, it is from "Howard the Duck" so...
That was cinema.
- Oh, that's a good movie. - Oh wow, oh wow.
- I love that movie. - I love that, yeah.
It's insane, that's an Oscar film.
So let me ask you something.
Were you gonna arrest us?
No, no.
I can't arrest anyone.
[Marty] So you give us a ticket?
You know, it's fucked up, I can't even give tickets.
Well, what can you do?
What can you do?
Nothing.
You can just show up and just tell people to go home.
You know, it's like, hey!
Go home and watch Netflix and eat Doritos.
Oh my god.
Ruis, I gotta say it, you're fucking awesome.
I know, right?
You guys want a ride home?
Yeah yeah yeah, if you don't give me a ride home,
I'm gonna hurt myself.
Yeah, and you know what?
Even though I happen to be a fantastic drunk driver,
I think it's the wrong thing.
So I'll get my car tomorrow, I'll take a ride with you now.
- Let's go. - Shall we?
- Yes, let's go. - Great.
- Oh. - My bad.
- Careful along the maze. - Yeah.
- Careful. - Okay.
- Ow, fuck. - This way.
- Yeah, of course. - This way.
- Scott, this way. - Yeah, dude.
- I don't know which way to go? - Yeah.
[Scott] I'm like 34.
(car horn honking)
Let me know when you find that joint, all right?
[Ruis] Yeah, and don't smoke it.
Hey, put the weapon down.
Put the weapon down. (car horn honking)
(soft piano music)
(Marty humming)
Scotty.
Scotty, are you awake?
No.
I'm just checking you're not oversleeping
for an appointment or anything.
Do you know what time it is?
Yeah, Mom.
It's 4:67, we're fine.
4:67 isn't a time, honey.
Oh man.
Okay, and where's your car?
I didn't see it outside.
Um.
Battery died.
I need a jump today, okay?
Well, I guess it's finally starting to show its age.
But when you get up, you wanna do me a favor?
Yeah, 100%.
But first, Mom, can you get me like a bucket of Advil
and like some Eggos.
Oh, I love you very much.
I love you too.
- Now get up. - Yeah.
(sander whirring)
Why are you sanding the screen?
What?
Why are you sanding the screen?
Well, in order to re-stain the screens,
one must first sand them.
Yeah.
Yeah, a new stain would look good.
That's a good idea.
You need something, Scott?
No.
Um.
I just wanted to tell you
that I'm not gonna be staying here for too much longer.
I'm gonna get a place of my own.
I've already been looking on Craigslist.
Well, how much is this place of your own gonna cost?
You don't have to worry about it.
I went down to Governor's, I'm scheduling a set for myself.
And I know I shouldn't be starting on open mics again,
but if I want to get paid for standup--
Scott, come on.
Enough of this fantasy land bullshit.
I know you probably don't wanna hear that.
Probably?
Okay, I'll tell you a story, all right?
Um, a couple summers back, when your uncle Jeffrey and I,
we went to Vegas, we were on this incredible heater
on the three card tables at the MGM Grand.
So, the pit boss, he gives us a couple of comps.
That night, we go to see Brad Garrett.
And I gotta tell you, Son, he was just fucking hilarious.
I laughed so hard, I spit gin and tonic all over your uncle.
It was coming out of my goddamn nose.
Why are you telling me this?
I'm sorry, Scott, but you're no Brad Garrett.
Oh my, are you serious?
That's where you were going?
Look, you wanted to give it a shot, I get that, okay?
And fine, the lumberyard's not for you.
Please, let's not do this again.
No no, just listen to me.
That is what it is, okay?
Just go and find yourself a real job.
You're in your 30s
and you're telling jokes for pocket change.
You're better than that.
I mean, why don't you go and tell your jokes in an office?
Okay?
I mean, be that guy.
The funny mailman.
(somber music)
(sighs)
What up, Marty, how you feeling?
Oh man.
How do I look?
- You look like a five. - A five?
Uh, this today?
This is so recent.
I got a fresh one coming out in two minutes.
Thank you.
Give me two regular, nice and hot, crush red on the side,
and, um, a Thorazine smoothie.
- Yeah, the usual. - Yeah.
Uh, oh.
(acoustic guitar music)
(sighs)
Welcome to Do the Twist, can I help you, sir?
Oh, I hope so, uh...
- Sanjay. - Sanjay.
Sanjay, see, I got an enormous problem.
A problem?
Yeah, I got one of those new coconut pretzels,
you know what I'm talking about?
- Yes. - Yeah.
I bet you think they're delicious, right?
They're nice.
They made me shit my pants, Sanjay.
Oh.
No.
Oh no is right, Sanjay.
That's why I'm here, retribution.
I'm here to get what's mine.
Where is your manager, I wanna talk to your manager.
Is this her?
Is this the woman that made me shit my pants?
No no no, she did not make you--
She did.
Go make pretzel dough, Sanjay.
Okay.
May I help you?
You left your wallet at home.
Mom asked me to bring it to you.
She's afraid to get pulled over and a cop would be like,
where's your license?
That woman is a saint on earth.
[Scott] She's incredible.
She's incredible, yeah.
What's with the sunglasses, Dirty Harry?
What's with the sunglasses is that 34 year old hangovers
feel like brain cancer.
Light hurts.
Ruis said you were at a playground late last night
with an old man.
Sounds like a real rager.
That is actually accurate.
But also, totally not as weird as it sounds.
- I highly doubt that. - Oh okay, well, you're wrong.
Your dad is wrong.
- Give me a pretzel. - Give me some money.
Oh my goodness.
Are you really trying to shake me down?
Can you believe this, Sanjay?
I am close, personal friends with Ruis now.
I can call him any time I want.
That is bullshit.
Oh, really?
- 917-543-6-- - Okay.
You get one pretzel.
I want my pretzel to be salted.
Salted.
Basic bitch.
Wow, how dare you.
I am a classic man.
I'm a classic man.
I know what I like and I eat it.
(sniffing)
Thank you for bringing this.
I love you, I guess.
I love you too.
Also questionably.
Let's not talk about it again, okay?
I love you too, Sanjay.
- I love you. - Bye.
- I'm gonna head out. - Go to bed.
- I'll talk to you soon. - Okay, bye.
Holy shit.
Wait one second, okay?
Wait one second, wait one second.
Hey.
Oh my god.
[Becky] Wow.
Oh my god.
Hey.
I heard it was true, I guess it is.
- Wow. - What, what was?
I just, I heard you were at the wake.
- Yes. - But I didn't necessarily
- believe it. - I was there.
I didn't know, did you go?
Yeah, obviously I was there.
I didn't even know that you knew Rory.
Yeah, ugh.
It's heartbreaking, yeah, one of my good friends.
Did you fly back specifically for the wake?
No, I actually moved back home.
- What? - Yeah.
- Wait, I'm sorry, really? - Yeah.
Like, for good?
I don't know, maybe.
I mean, for awhile, yeah.
What about California?
I got a job offer in New York, so I had to come home.
[Becky] What is it?
A development deal with Snapchat.
Supposedly, I'm a social media influencer.
Really?
But you seem to be doing incredible.
Oh my goodness, I've seen all these things on Instagram.
Iceland, you went to Iceland.
Wow, you've really been looking, huh?
Oh yeah, I'm a fucking troll.
I'm on it constantly.
And I saw that you married Owen.
Yeah.
I did.
You guys look happy.
Yeah.
Anyway, I gotta get outta here.
Yeah.
I gotta, well, I have to--
Yeah, I was literally, I was, okay.
Scott fucking Rollins.
Becky fucking Brooks.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me
that she's gonna leave her husband because of a yeah?
No, by the way, it's not how she said it.
It wasn't just a yeah, it was like a cry for help.
Oh man.
You have got to learn to manage your expectations.
No, I'm gonna dive deep into this one.
I'm gonna really latch onto this one.
How do you have this?
I taped it the other night.
- Yes, did you really? - Yeah.
'86 Mets, one of the best teams in sports history.
Thank you.
And I'm not talking baseball.
I'm talking all of sports.
Hit me off with it.
What have we got, Gary Carter, Lenny Dykstra--
- Keith Hernandez, Darryl-- - Darryl Strawberry.
- Big Lefty. - Mookie.
- And against Bill Buckner.
G-g-g-gosh.
What was that pitcher's name?
- Ron Darling. - That was, yeah.
- From Yale. - Very smart man.
- Really smart kid. - Yeah.
My son was five.
I'd say, "Who's pitching" and he'd go, Darling.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they were great.
Speaking of great, my pancakes.
- Oh my god, unbelievable. - Great?
You do a lot of cooking?
I used to, you know, when the kids were young.
Breakfast mostly, but now, not so much.
Yeah.
I'm not that well-stocked in the grocery department.
So what is it, just blueberries and beer?
- And bourbon. - Oh.
And I've got some Jager in the fridge.
So you cover all the basic food groups.
Just the essentials, you know.
- Well, okay. - Yeah.
Are they organic blueberries?
- Long Island's own. - Oh my god, I could taste it.
What are you doing?
You brought up bourbon.
You know, just put me in the mood, that's all.
- No, you brought up bourbon. - All right.
Fine.
You're no fun.
Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately.
To get back to what's important, right?
I'm there, I'm right in front of Becky,
and I ask her, I said, "You guys look happy."
And then she says, now listen to the way she says it, okay?
She goes, yeah.
That wasn't it, that wasn't even it.
It was like this, it was like imagine someone about to die,
die inside, it was like, yeah.
That was it, did you hear it?
- No, I hear nothing. - Oh my--
I hear absolutely nothing.
Listen, Rollins, existing marriage aside--
Terrible marriage aside, but continue.
Okay.
She said, he's the one, he's the one.
All right, that's cool, I get that.
But is she the one for you?
I mean, maybe.
It doesn't mean she's not the right one for me, right?
All I'm trying to say is lightning rarely strikes twice.
But if you keep your eyes open and you're not
a little stubborn shit, it can strike again.
Wow, what does that mean, Drunk Yoda?
It means what it means.
Holy shit, is that your Yoda impersonation?
What the fuck is this?
Well, it's not my world.
What I'm trying to say is
what if I fucked with destiny,right?
What if I zigged when I should have zagged?
My entire life would be different.
And speaking personally,
I actually do think that you can unfuck something.
Yeah?
Do you know I'm going up again tomorrow.
Going up, what does that mean?
I'm making a comeback.
I'm going to Levittown.
A place called Governor's, I'm gonna do some standup.
- Great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, I love that. - For real?
I told, oh, that's fantastic.
- What, tomorrow night? - 7:00 p.m. tomorrow night.
But I don't know when I'm in the lineup.
So the show starts at 7:00 p.m.
I'm somewhere in there.
They gave me a shitty slot
because I haven't been there for a bit.
- I'll be there. - For real?
- Yeah. - Three drink minimum.
I'm worried about the drink maximum.
You can also drink like a Coke or a coffee.
The caffeine will kill me.
My heart will be beating like a hummingbird.
You're worried about the caffeine killing you?
- Yeah. - Shit, yeah.
Is it weird if I ask you who is in that?
No, that's Catherine, that's wife number two.
And where's wife number one?
She's buried in a cemetery in Farmingdale.
Mount Ararat.
Catherine hated the thought of being put into the ground.
So...
I dig that, yeah.
How did she die?
You know, Rollins, I just don't like to talk about it.
I get it.
She had stomach cancer, ate her alive.
You know, I didn't drink once
all the years that we were married.
Not once.
Not a drop.
Didn't have to.
(somber music)
What are you doing now?
It's Tuesday afternoon,
I'm eating pancakes with my dermatologist.
Well, get up.
- Get up, we going somewhere? - Yeah.
- Where we going? - Field trip.
(pleasant music) I can't believe my
dermatologist drives Snoop Dogg's car.
She's a cliz-assic.
- Did I get it right? - Yeah.
That's exactly how he says it.
- See? - Cliz-assic.
I'm down with that.
You sure about this?
[Marty] Yeah.
All right.
You know, it's been, fuck me, three years.
And I would've done this earlier
but I didn't have anybody to do it with me.
And the thought of an old man out on the beach
spreading ashes around just seemed so--
Sad, yeah.
I was gonna say cliche but, sad is not inaccurate.
Listen, if you wanna say some words out there,
I could just stay here.
She knew what she meant to me.
I was the husband to her
that I couldn't be to my first wife.
Anne.
Poor Anne, she had so many problems.
She suffered from depression.
I mean, clinical depression.
It's a horrible disease.
To love someone who lives in such a dark space
that they can't possibly love you back,
to try and fail every day, it was impossible.
I just felt lost and I tried.
I just...
Fuck.
It takes a lot stronger person than I was then.
But today's not about Anne.
Today's about Catherine.
And, all right, baby.
Let's rock and roll.
Let's do it.
(pleasant music)
[Child] Where's my wallet, Frank?
Hey, what did I tell you about that?
It's Dad, I'm your dad.
Now where did you put my wallet?
I want Burger King.
Yeah, well you know what?
I want a time machine and some condoms.
But I, you know what, I didn't mean that.
I didn't, I'm sorry.
- Oh. - For real?
[Jeanine] Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I thought maybe something was wrong.
No, why would you think that?
[Jeanine] Well, you've been in there an awful--
- Mom, close the door. - Okay, sorry, honey.
- Bye. - Bye.
Jesus Christ.
Welcome to Do the Twist, can I help you, sir?
Yeah, I'll have an unsalted and babe?
Oh, um, just a Parmesan and garlic, please.
- Thank you. - Okay.
[Megan] Oh shit, look who it is.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
Long time no see.
Oh, Owen, you remember Meg, right?
Um, Scott's sister?
Oh yeah, right, hi, Meg.
Hey.
Um, I love your photography.
I've been seeing everything you've been posting on Facebook.
It's incredible.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Thanks.
- You guys got married, right? - We did.
- Yeah. - Congrats.
- Yeah, thanks. - Oh no, those are on me.
- Oh. - Oh my gosh, thank you.
- Of course. - That's so sweet.
So sorry to hear about Rory.
Scott mentioned you guys were close.
- Yeah. - Did you hear he's home?
- Who is, Scott? - Yeah, the prodigal son
returned last week.
I'm seeing him tonight at Governor's by the way.
- Wait, at Governor's? - I know.
I haven't been back there
since I got kicked out for yelling--
My mom caught you jerking off on my life-sized Barbie.
(both laughing)
Do you guys have any babies yet or?
Oh god, no.
We, not yet.
Well, we should probably get going.
Yeah, yeah, we should.
It's good to see you.
Give another round of applause again for Pet Cavalon.
Pete Cavalon.
All right.
Yeah, that was a real funny guy.
All right, let's keep this thing rolling
with Long Island's very own Mr. Scott Rollins.
Come on up here, Scott.
Come on, let him hear you, let him hear you.
Thank you, oh please, let me.
How is everybody tonight?
(crowd cheers) Good, good, good.
Um, it's crazy 'cause I haven't been on this stage
since I was in my 20s.
And I am in my 30s now.
I know, I know, it probably doesn't look like it, right?
I look like I'm at least mid-70s.
But I am in my 30s right now
and I feel like there's so many differences
between your 20s and your 30s, 'cause when I was in my 20s,
I used to think to myself, oh,
what am I gonna do this weekend, right?
And now that I'm in my 30s,
I'm thinking, oh, what am I gonna do with my life?
(crowd laughs)
♪ We're not gonna take it ♪
♪ No, we ain't gonna take it ♪
♪ We're not gonna take it anymore ♪
Hey, when am I up?
They're horrible.
You were just up.
Yeah, but I put in for like six things, you know?
Come on, I gotta go.
Yeah, congratulations, there are other people before you.
We go through this every week.
Hey, hey, hey, stop that, stop that.
I don't remember what I put in for.
Did I do "Weevils of London" yet?
Again, we don't have that.
How could you not have...
- Seriously, Marty? - Oh, I'm sorry.
- What the fuck? - No, I got it, sorry.
- I'm sorry. - Hey, hey.
Maybe you should just go home.
I am home.
Everybody knows my name.
- I don't know your name. - You know my name, Glen.
Hey, come over here,
we'll do a little "Mr. Roboto" together.
No way.
You hog the mic.
You call it hogging the mic,
I call it giving the people what they want.
You are a mic hog.
But I'll sing with you.
Wow.
Hey, you're out, Glen.
I was never in.
(Marty laughs)
By show of hands,
who here actually lives with their parents?
Okay, that's just me, nobody else?
All right, that's fine.
I feel like when you're my age and you can't pay rent,
your only two options are live with your parents
or become homeless.
And honestly, I think I made the wrong choice.
(crowd laughs)
I do, I'd be so much happier, right?
'Cause when you're homeless and you're in the bathroom
for more than five minutes, your mom doesn't gently
knock on the door and be like is everything okay in there?
(all laughing)
Um.
Um, yeah, um, my dad is, he's not here, right?
My dad is obsessed with bears, it's insane.
And I'm almost positive it's because he saw "The Revenant"
one time and he's like, oo, I get it.
I wanna fuck a bear.
♪ You're weird ♪
♪ In tears ♪
♪ Too near and too far away ♪
♪ He said ♪
♪ Saw red ♪
♪ Went home stayed in bed all day ♪
♪ T-Shirt's ♪
♪ Dish dirt ♪
♪ Always love the one you hurt ♪
(crowd cheering)
♪ You sleep ♪
♪ Too deep ♪
♪ One week is another world ♪
♪ Big mouth ♪
♪ Drop out ♪
♪ You get what you deserve ♪
[Scott] Hey.
[Ruis] Oh, superstar.
- Come here. - Thank you.
- You're a superstar, man. - Thank you.
Thank you.
- I mean, right? - Yeah.
You know, you.
[Scott] What?
Are really, really, really mediocre.
Wow, at the end.
I thought you were gonna say something nice
and at the end, you just pegged it.
No, wait.
Screw that.
You were fucking great.
Thank you, Ruis, I appreciate it.
I guess I could've laughed like 10 seconds longer.
You know Murph was supposed to be here?
- Murph? - Yes.
But his kid, he said his kid was throwing up
or something like that.
Oh, the classic the parent line.
Fine, fine.
One of my other friends was supposed to come
but I don't know what happened.
- Oh, don't worry about it. - It was good, right?
- Yeah. - It was, right?
- Yeah. - It's different.
'Cause in California, it's all depressing all the time.
But here, yes, it was snapping and it all felt good.
Yeah, well you know, you got that whole
New York asshole thing going on for you.
I am sorry, was that another compliment?
I, no, because I called you an asshole.
- Right, it felt good. - You were so funny.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Thanks.
- Come on. - Thanks for coming.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You got groupies, man.
Marry him, please.
Why are you not just marrying him immediately?
He's incredibly supportive of me.
Are you done?
I'm done, yes.
[Megan] We're going to the Whale's Tail for a drink.
- You wanna come? - Let's go.
I think I'm gonna go home, work on some of my jokes.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- That's good, man. - You do you.
That's fucking awesome.
- Focus, right? - I'm doing it.
- Focus. - Focus, just like you said.
- Me too. - I love you, Ruis.
- I love you too, Scotty.
- Goodbye, good job. - I'll see you later, man.
(phone clicking)
(phone dings)
(machines groaning)
(acoustic guitar music)
(phone beeping)
(phone ringing)
[Scott] Hey, this is Scott.
Leave a message after the beep.
[Voicemail Woman] At the tone,
please record your message.
When you finish recording, you may hang up
or press one for more options.
Scott, it's Marty.
I'm really sorry I missed your show last night, kid.
I really wanted to be there.
I planned on it.
But work was, it was a lot yesterday.
And I got home and I just fell asleep on the couch.
I just, you know...
You know what, Rollins, that was bullshit.
That was just bullshit.
The truth is the night got away from me
and I'm really sorry that it did.
But I will be at the next one, I promise you that, okay?
All right.
Let's talk soon.
This is Marty.
All right.
(sighs)
Are you still doing photography or?
That's stupid.
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Becky, long time.
- Hey, Scotty. - So we're never gonna be
a knocking family, are we?
Well, I just wanted to see
if you wanted some hot chocolate.
I'm making some for your father and me.
Ma.
Oh, look at you.
Do you have a job interview today?
No, I'm just getting lunch with a friend.
Oh, is this a date?
No, Mom, it's not a date.
Well, would you want some hot chocolate before you go?
No, no no no.
Unless, do we have those tiny marshmallows?
Scotty, you know I always have those tiny marshmallows.
I would love some hot chocolate.
Yeah.
- Mom, do I look all right? - You look so handsome.
(dog barking)
(leaves rustling)
Don't.
Marty, just turn around.
Come on.
Adam, I just want to talk to you.
I mean, what do you want me to do?
I want you to never show up at my house
or my job or anywhere else where I may be.
And yes, that includes friends' wakes.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
I always liked Rory.
He was a good kid and I felt bad about him
but I really wanted to see you.
Hey, Jules, I'll be in in one minute, okay, pal?
- Backwards hug. - Backwards hug.
I'm gonna be in there in one minute okay, pal?
- Okay. - All right.
He got big.
Yeah, kids do that.
I made blueberry pancakes, they're in the car.
I thought maybe we could have--
Nobody wants your fucking pancakes.
Now just turn around, get back in your ridiculous car--
I'm his grandfather.
No, Marty, you're not.
There's no reason for him to know you.
Adam, I can't fix this if you don't give me a chance.
I don't want you to fix anything.
- My mother-- - Ate a bottle of pills.
Yeah, she did.
Because it was just too painful for her to be here anymore.
And listen, your mother, God rest her soul--
12 years ago, last week.
Did you know that?
Yeah, of course.
Of course I know.
Your mother was a very sick person.
It had nothing to do with me.
Every time I'd walk in the house,
she'd disappear just a little bit more
every day until she was gone.
And I tried to help her, I did, but I couldn't do it.
It got to the point where I couldn't walk
into the house sober anymore.
I'm sorry.
I know what I did.
I know who I was.
No.
No, there's no past tense with you.
You knew she was sick.
You just said you knew and you still fucked another woman.
I didn't just fuck another woman.
Catherine was not just another woman.
I fell in love, I'm sorry.
No, you cheated.
And you drank and you gambled.
And I'm ashamed of all of that.
Good.
I'm sorry, Marty, but I'm not gonna
give you what you're looking for today.
Okay?
Okay.
Why can't you just talk to me like a person?
You know?
10 minutes.
Can't someone unfuck something?
Not you.
Not now.
(Marty sobs)
(window tapping)
Hey.
(Marty whimpers)
Hey.
Hey, can I ask you a question real quick?
Sure.
- Do you like your job? - Oh, I love it.
- Really? - It's the greatest job.
I might be the happiest mailman in the world.
(both chuckling)
- You like it? - It's a great job.
Have a great day.
You for real love your job?
It's fantastic.
- Are you interested? - No.
Okay.
This is like a real adult house.
Says the 34 year old man.
Yeah with the emotional maturity level
of a 13 year old boy.
Mm.
Yeah, I mean, I like it.
It's a little big, I guess.
But I mean, like, there's a guitar just chilling
in the living room, you know?
What is that there for?
It's like, I don't play.
Owen doesn't play.
It's just sitting there.
I don't know, he thinks it's classy.
It is classy.
That is very classy.
When I came in, I was like, I don't know about this...
Oh, this is a classy place.
Know what I mean? Yeah, totally.
- Thanks for the tea. - Yeah.
Um.
How's your photography going?
I don't know, you tell me.
That's you?
- Those are you photographs? - Yes.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
[Scott] These are amazing.
That one, actually, the one on the left,
that was in The New Yorker recently.
- This was in The New Yorker? - Yeah.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
You just nonchalantly throw that out there?
- That's incredible. - Thanks.
And Owen seems to be doing well, right?
I heard he's a full-fledged lawyer now, so...
He is.
Yep.
He is entertainment law, so...
Hey, maybe you could use him one time.
Maybe not.
No?
Why not?
- What about the um-- - The development deal?
Yeah.
That was actually a lie I told to try to impress you.
I know, it's stupid.
That's apparently a new wrinkle in my life.
I'm a liar now, so...
I'm confused.
Well, Becks--
No one's called me that in years.
Scott, what happened to us?
Wow, we're just going for it?
Well, I mean, I don't know.
We could continue bullshitting back and forth.
No, you're right, you're right,
you're right, you're right.
It's just a loaded question.
I don't know.
About time.
I've been wanting to ask you that for like four years now.
In my eyes, we were great.
Yeah.
Then you just hit the self-destruct button.
There was no fight, no conversation.
- You just-- - Disappeared.
You wouldn't even respond to texts.
- I know. - What is that?
Like just like one word responses?
Like, yeah, sorry?
Do you know how infuriating that is?
I mean, I was getting bits and pieces of information
from whatever friends we still had.
But I was just trying to piece together
what I could have possibly done that--
You didn't do anything, you didn't do anything.
I swear to you.
I just saw all of our friends coupling up
and getting married and I saw my own life trajectory.
I saw the whole thing.
Marriage, house, kids, and it terrified me.
Yeah, see, I saw all that too.
But I was excited by it.
I should have been excited.
I should have been excited, but I got scared.
And when I get scared, I run away.
[Becky] Fuck.
What if I never left?
(both panting)
Hey, what?
What the hell, Scott?
- I'm sorry, okay? - You're running again.
- No. - You're like literally
- running down the stairs. - No no no,
but it's a good run, okay?
I think I just had an epiphany.
[Becky] What epiphany?
What are you talking about?
I can't keep letting my bad decisions mess up your life.
It's not fair, okay?
No, this is right, okay?
You're right for me.
We fit together, we always have.
No, we haven't.
Fuck you.
I'm sorry.
(door slams)
Fuck me.
You son of a bitch.
I swear, Owen...
Fuck.
Dude, I swear it's not what it looks like.
[Owen] Bullshit.
God, you run like the fucking Terminator.
I ran track in high school, you moron.
(both panting)
(Owen panting)
The pool?
Haven't you ever seen "Cops"?
No no no, listen to me.
- Ah. - Owen.
Shit. (Scott groans)
Ah, fuck.
I've never been punched before.
Ah, I've never punched anyone before.
I think you broke my nose.
I think you broke my hand.
I knew that this would happen eventually.
I even had a nightmare about it.
You had a nightmare about us fighting?
Not about us fighting.
About losing her.
I swear, nobody wanted you to succeed in LA more than I did.
I knew that the better off you were out there,
the happier I would be here.
I don't know what to say, man.
I didn't mean to hurt--
Honestly, Scott, I don't care what you have to say.
But I am gonna go see what she has to say.
Scott, no man wants the woman he loves
to have a one that got away. I know that we used to be
friends and this is a small town,
but I truly hope I never see you again.
Marty, you beautiful bastard, you're a genius,
do you know that?
I went over to Becks' and things got so crazy so quick.
Give me a call back, okay?
(siren whooping)
(tires squeaking)
(siren wailing)
(somber music)
[Officer] Sir, you can't go over there.
- No, that's my friend. - Sir, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to stay back here.
- Tell me, is he okay? - Sir, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to stay back here.
[Scott] Tell me he's okay.
(somber music)
And while Martin's body is no longer with us
in a traditional sense, his soul is everlasting.
God has a plan for each and every one of us
and we should all take solace in knowing
that Martin is in a better place.
And we also find comfort in the knowledge
that none of us is grieving alone.
- No-- - Hey, rabbi?
Do you mind if I say a few words?
All right.
Sorry.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry about this.
Thank you.
I am just now realizing that most of you
have no idea who I am.
I am Scott.
I was friends with Marty.
I didn't know him for all that long,
but I got to know him really well.
And I just know that when I die,
I want someone who knew me to speak.
I first met Marty when he was pissing into a sink.
- Do you remember that? - Yeah.
He was pissing in the sink right on his tippy toes
like a weirdo.
And that is classic Marty.
That's classic Marty.
And right when he was done,
he noticed that I had a skin condition on my arm.
And when he found out that I couldn't pay for it,
he just gave me the medicine for free.
And I feel like that, that in a nutshell is Marty, right?
He's a little bit crazy, he talks a ton of shit.
But he has an incredible heart.
And he's also sneaky wise.
He would say these little nuggets,
and they would just stick with you.
Like one time, he said to me,
"Regret is the only thing that's real."
I regret a lot.
I mean, we all do, right?
I mean, especially you.
Are you kidding me?
Third row.
How do you, don't look behind you.
I'm talking about you.
You're wearing a Hawaiian shirt to a funeral.
What are you doing?
(laughs)
Marty was a good man.
And he taught me that people can change.
And I think he was on his way to doing just that.
I'm gonna miss him a lot.
I think we're all gonna miss him a lot.
All right, thank you.
I don't even, yeah, yeah.
- Thanks. - Thank you for coming.
- Thank you. - Thank you for coming.
Hey, man.
I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss.
Yeah, no.
I, sorry, I forgot your name.
- Scott. - Scott, right, yeah.
Your dad was a great man.
No.
No, he wasn't.
- See you. - Yeah, see you.
Are you Marty's daughter?
Yeah, I'm Taylor.
You the comedian?
Comedian.
Yeah.
[Taylor] Yeah.
Are you from around here or?
- No, I'm a Jersey girl. - Oh.
Moved to Sparta after college.
Um, my dad stopped by my house the other day.
A few hours before the crash.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
It was nice.
Unexpected, but nice.
Said he was going to Adam's next.
Did he make it over there?
Adam says no.
When he was there, did he seem...
Drunk enough to barrel a Cadillac into a pizza place?
No, actually, fun fact, he was stone cold sober.
Yeah.
It was a heart attack.
Said he was actually getting his shit together.
I mean, not like I haven't heard that before but...
Sorry.
Is it weird that I'm getting emotional
over my dermatologist?
I mean, it's your dad.
I've shed plenty of Marty-inspired tears.
Trust me.
It was really nice to talk to you in there.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's kinda nice to know that Marty
had his shit together enough to make a new friend.
Well, I wouldn't say he had his shit together.
Yeah well, who really does, right?
Right.
It was really nice meeting you.
So nice to meet you.
- Okay, I'll see you. - Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Scott.
Do you have any good dinner recommendations?
I haven't been back on the island in years.
(both chuckling)
[Gary] So, Taylor, what do you do for a living?
Me?
Oh, I work for the post office.
- You do? - Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I don't love it,
but it's steady money, good benefits.
You work for the post office?
Yes, why are you saying it like that?
My friend Ruis here, he works for the government too.
Oh, is that right?
Hell yeah.
Protect and serve.
Now, I hope y'all are gonna like this.
I'm sure it's fantastic, Mom.
- But first, shall we? - Mm-hmm.
- Now, do we just drop it in? - Yeah, you just drop it in.
All right, to Marty.
[All] To Marty.
Bombs away.
- You gotta drink it fast. - Please.
Give it to me.
Wow.
- Should we do another? - No.
Yeah.
(all laughing) (thunder rumbling)
(family laughing)
Hey.
I saw the screen this morning.
It looked good.
- Got 'em all sealed. - Yeah.
That's a good stain.
Think I might do the whole front porch this summer.
- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Let me know if you need any help.
I will.
You know, Ruis, he said
you were pretty funny the other night.
Well, Ruis is awesome.
He really is.
- Great. - Honey.
- Yay. - Great.
(thunder crashing)
(phone clicking)
(pleasant music)
♪ Mm ♪
♪ I said I'll be your friend ♪
♪ And I always will ♪
♪ With you, there is no end ♪
♪ Up and down the hill ♪
♪ I hear you talking in the morning ♪
♪ Talking in the evening ♪
♪ Even when there's no one else ♪
♪ It's true I need you still ♪
♪ And I always will ♪
♪ My friend, I always will ♪
♪ I said I'd have your back ♪
♪ And I always do ♪
♪ Yeah, you know I still do ♪
♪ I said I'd cut you slack ♪
♪ And you know it's true ♪
♪ Yeah, you know it's true ♪
♪ I hear you calling in the morning ♪
♪ Calling in the evening ♪
♪ Even when there's no one there ♪
♪ It's true, I need you still ♪
♪ And I always will ♪
♪ My friend, I always will ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ Woo ♪
♪ You said it all worked out ♪
♪ And I know it will ♪
♪ I believe it will ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ You never had a doubt ♪
♪ Up and down the hill ♪
♪ I hear you talking in the morning ♪
♪ Talking in the evening ♪
♪ Even when there's no one there ♪
♪ It's true I need you still ♪
♪ And I always will ♪
♪ My friend, I always will ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ Oh, my old friend ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ I'll be seeing you again, up and down the hill ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ Oh, my old friend ♪
♪ Calling in the evening ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ And I always will ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ Calling in the evening ♪
♪ My old friend ♪
♪ I'll be seeing you again ♪
♪ And I always will ♪
♪ My old friend ♪