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1
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,103
[off-kilter music]
2
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:14,480
[Tim] Look, I always try and
tell my wife the truth, okay?
3
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:17,049
But, obviously,
I haven't always been able
4
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:19,151
to tell her the whole truth.
5
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:20,719
My name is Tim Faris.
6
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,254
This is my wife, Eve,
7
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,490
and our daughter, Mallory.
8
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,191
She's 15 now.
9
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:28,327
[grumbles] That's Dax.
Lives next door.
10
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,294
Friend of Mallory's.
11
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:30,562
Just ignore him.
12
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,704
I work as
a tour guide in Sedona,
13
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,739
a small town
in Northern Arizona,
14
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,742
famous for its
vast red rock formations,
15
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:47,780
hundreds of energy
vortexes, or vortices, whatever,
16
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,583
for its beautiful dark skies,
17
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,455
but most of all for
its constant UFO activity.
18
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,759
[man screams]
19
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,630
My own alien abduction story
20
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,532
starts 16 years ago...
-[spaceship whooshes]
21
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,600
...just after
Eve and I got married
22
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:11,303
and about nine months
before Mallory was born.
23
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:17,109
To be honest, things weren't
going well between Eve and me,
24
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,744
so when one drunken night
25
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,246
I met a beautiful
woman with a spaceship,
26
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:25,751
well, it's not the kind of thing
you can share with your wife.
27
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,420
On the other hand,
28
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,621
you shouldn't keep these kind
29
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,557
of things bottled up inside.
30
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,692
Luckily, I do have
a place I can go
31
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,561
where I can relate to everyone.
32
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,533
I'm James, and I'm an abductee.
33
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:42,701
Hi, James.
34
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:45,871
I'm Kim, and I'm an abductee.
35
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,172
Hi, Kim.
36
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:48,407
It's been 24 hours
37
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,342
since my last abduction.
38
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,312
Hi, I'm Tim,
and I'm an abductee.
39
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:59,451
What? I was abducted. I swear.
40
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,452
It's not an abduction
41
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,553
unless the spacecraft
42
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:02,654
actually lifts off.
43
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,557
That's so unfair.
44
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,128
[theme music]
45
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:19,538
[alien] Take us to your leader.
46
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,340
We come in peace.
47
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:24,476
[clears throat] I think
I might stay home tonight.
48
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:30,582
I just love seeing
their little faces light up
49
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,484
when I pass out the candy.
50
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,919
I don't want to miss that,
51
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:38,240
so I'm just going to stay
home, okay?
52
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,258
-Okay.
-But you can get me
a Butterfinger. [chuckles]
53
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,928
-[alien] Ew, gross.
-[chuckles]
54
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:44,763
[Mallory] Ugh.
55
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,265
How's it feel kissing an alien?
56
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:51,637
Oh, um, it feels
just like kissing my wife
57
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,173
-except, you know, more purple.
-[Eve chuckles]
58
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,941
-You sure you don't
want to come?
-Come on, Dad.
59
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,776
It just means more candy for us.
60
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,246
The bags are in the car.
61
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,851
[ignition clicks]
62
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,533
[hood bangs]
63
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:29,374
Next week me and my friends
want to go picket the pet store
64
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,909
to stop selling live animals.
65
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:31,977
Will you take me?
66
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:35,280
You want them to
start selling dead animals?
67
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,682
That doesn't
sound very vegetarian.
68
00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:38,750
[laughs] Dad!
69
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,554
Anyway, I'm not just
a vegetarian, I'm vegan.
70
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:46,792
Vegan? You mean
like Vegan, the star?
71
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:50,229
No, I mean vegan,
like no animal products.
72
00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:51,697
Oh. [chuckles]
73
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:53,298
Come on, we can walk.
74
00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,304
-So, vegan, huh?
-Mm-hmm.
75
00:03:59,306 --> 00:04:00,806
[Tim] How long
have you been vegan?
76
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,341
Since about four o'clock.
77
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,309
[Tim] Huh.
78
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,446
[whimsical music]
79
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,385
[Tim] I, I am really sorry
80
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,954
about the temporary
accommodations back there.
81
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,764
So, follow the path to the top.
82
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,799
Where, exactly, are
these things going to land?
83
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,637
Oh, well, well,
it's very, very unlikely
84
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,806
that we'll see an actual
UFO today, Mr. Halford,
85
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:39,511
but, uh, we visit sites where
UFO landings have been reported,
86
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:44,549
so here's what we know
based on abductees' reports.
87
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,386
Their technology
is unbelievable.
88
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,788
Have you ever
been abducted, mister?
89
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,722
Well, yes.
90
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:51,890
Yes, I have.
91
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,725
Cool, where did they take you?
92
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,863
Well, we didn't
actually go anywhere.
93
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,599
That's not a real abduction.
94
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:01,700
[whimsical music]
95
00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,403
[Tim] Let's take a look.
96
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,052
[whimsical music]
97
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:28,727
Uh, thanks for everything
you do, Eve. [chuckles]
98
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,429
[Eve] Bye, Pastor Paul.
99
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,103
[ominous music]
100
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,577
I thought drinking
was against your religion.
101
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,612
[Eve] Jesus
turned water into wine.
102
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,082
I don't think he'd mind us
having champagne
for our anniversary.
103
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,454
A hundred bucks?
104
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,790
[birds chirping]
105
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,360
[Mallory] You don't own me, LOL.
106
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:02,694
The joke's on you.
107
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,464
You're my mother,
not my jailer, mofo,
108
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,566
so hang up the Nazi attitude
109
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,035
and get me a cell phone.
110
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,370
-[groans]
-[chuckles]
111
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,605
It's beautiful, dear.
112
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,940
Thank you.
113
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,709
You have a real gift for words.
114
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,846
[chuckles] Thanks, Grammy.
115
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,416
Are you comfy?
116
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,484
I'm fine.
117
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:28,820
I just love having you
here to keep me company.
118
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:33,759
Do you know how old I was
when I got my first cell phone?
119
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,061
63.
120
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,530
[Mallory chuckles]
121
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,434
[Eve] Mallory, dinner's ready.
122
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,770
Bags off the table, please.
123
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:45,737
[Tim] Oh.
124
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,612
Wow, this looks amazing.
125
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:57,716
[Eve] Vegetarian.
126
00:06:58,585 --> 00:06:59,851
Absolutely no meat.
127
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:05,157
I'm vegan, so I don't
eat eggs or dairy.
128
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:12,764
[fork clunks]
129
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,166
[Tim sighs]
130
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,735
For what
we are about to receive,
131
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:19,871
may the Lord
make us truly thankful.
132
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:24,976
Everybody's got one.
133
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,111
Not everyone.
134
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,512
What?
135
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:28,880
-A cell phone.
-A cell phone.
136
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,482
Jeez, Dad,
don't you pay any attention
137
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,983
to what's going on
in the real world?
138
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,519
Mallory, do not use
the Lord's name in vain.
139
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:36,855
What Lord's name?
I didn't say anything.
140
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,557
[Eve] Abbreviations count, dear.
141
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,525
You mean "jeez"?
142
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:43,195
[laughs] Everybody says "jeez."
143
00:07:43,197 --> 00:07:45,030
-It doesn't mean anything.
-Mallory!
144
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,966
[grunts] OMG!
145
00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,669
[napkin slams]
146
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,870
[chair scrapes]
147
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:55,474
[plate clinks]
148
00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:56,608
[sighs]
149
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:58,977
You know what
would be good with this?
150
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:00,545
Ketchup.
151
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,147
[whimsical music]
152
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,228
[eerie music]
153
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:22,934
[gasps]
154
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,102
[clunks]
155
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,605
[upbeat music]
156
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,874
Well, I appreciate the gesture,
157
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,141
but you don't
have to kneel for me.
158
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:31,743
Andromeda?
159
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:32,844
[chuckles]
160
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,012
[Tim] Holy crap!
161
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,181
What are you doing here?
162
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,517
I don't know.
I just dropped by to say hi.
163
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,085
[chuckles] What is this thing?
164
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,822
I-- I use it to attract aliens.
165
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:44,789
It's--
166
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,791
I can't believe this.
167
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,293
I never
thought I'd see you again.
168
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:51,763
Yeah, but here I am
in the flesh, so to speak.
169
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,265
I told you I'd come back.
170
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,768
15 years is a really long time.
171
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,805
How-- how did you
even know where I live?
172
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,207
I'm an alien, dummy.
173
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,174
We know--
174
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,544
almost everything.
175
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,112
Almost.
176
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:11,850
Since you're here, I need you
to come with me to a meeting,
177
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:14,019
so you can tell
everybody about the abduction.
178
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,120
[laughs]
179
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,155
[clears throat] The abduction?
180
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,790
Oh, you mean when the,
181
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,326
yeah, no, um, there
was no abduction, Tim.
182
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,028
We didn't go anywhere.
183
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,196
We can fix that
right now if you want.
184
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:26,765
That would be awesome.
185
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:27,966
[Andromeda] Wouldn't it be?
186
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,801
Yes, come on. [laughs]
187
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,237
I-- I got about 20 minutes.
188
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,838
Oh, oh, no, no,
189
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,774
I'm talking about for the
rest of your life.
190
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:37,142
[chuckles]
191
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:38,643
I can't do that.
192
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,011
[sighs]
193
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,813
You disappoint me, Tim.
194
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:42,981
Wouldn't be the first time.
195
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:46,585
Besides, you're not
the only human I came to see.
196
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:48,954
[Tim] Wait, wait,
Andromeda, wait.
197
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:50,755
Let's talk.
198
00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:57,262
Okay, I want to
make myself very clear.
199
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,730
Yeah, me too.
200
00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,965
[pants]
201
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:03,969
[Eve] Dear?
202
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:08,273
Tim, shall I see if the hot tub
is warm enough yet?
203
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,342
[Tim] Uh, uh, I'm on it. [pants]
204
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:11,610
Where are you?
205
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,144
Um, I'm dealing with a pest.
206
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:14,779
A rat?
207
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,314
Um, a skunk.
208
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,286
Um, no, no, you
don't want to go down there.
209
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,921
It's, it's, it's, it's crazy.
210
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,222
I'll take care of it.
211
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,724
-Oh. Okay.
-It's, it's, it's okay.
212
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:29,961
Now where were we?
213
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,833
No, stop it!
214
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,267
This is going to happen either
my way or no way at all, okay?
215
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:39,938
Oh, my God, it is so super-cute
when you try to be
dominating, oh.
216
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:44,209
You're going to take me on
a very quick trip to outer space
217
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,945
so that I can get pictures
and prove it happened, okay?
218
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,280
Now, meet me tomorrow at noon
219
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,383
at the base of Thunder Mountain.
220
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:52,751
Do you understand?
221
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:57,188
[Eve] A skunk, huh?
I don't smell anything.
222
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,057
[chuckles] No, weird, huh?
223
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,227
Must have been one
of those albino skunks.
224
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,130
-[tarp whooshes]
-[water splashes]
225
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,868
Ew, there's got to be a better
way to cover it than this.
226
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,241
[gasps] Oh, I'm going
to go get changed.
227
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,877
Do you remember when
we used to be spontaneous?
228
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,212
[sighs]
Yes, but we grew up, sweetie.
229
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,881
We have responsibilities now.
230
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,282
[water splashes]
231
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,117
Oh! Tim!
232
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,922
Okay, I can be spontaneous.
233
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,023
[Tim] Bring it.
234
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,261
Oh, oh!
235
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,296
-[water splashes]
-[gasps] Oh.
236
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,898
Sit down. You'll be warmer.
237
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,869
Oh.
238
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,073
I baptize you in the name of
239
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,075
the alien race
that came to Earth
240
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,376
that you call God.
241
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,044
Tim, oh, my gosh!
242
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,779
-That wasn't funny.
-[laughs]
243
00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:55,780
Say you're sorry.
244
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:56,748
[water splashes]
245
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:57,849
[giggles]
246
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,217
Oh!
247
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:03,605
Oh!
248
00:12:03,606 --> 00:12:04,355
-I'm going to get you.
-[laughs]
249
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,261
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Oh, my gosh.
250
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,097
Truce, truce.
251
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,800
-You are crazy, Tim.
-[pants] Truce.
252
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,169
-Oh.
-Oh.
253
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,305
I'm going to have
to do my hair again. [chuckles]
254
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,407
[sighs]
255
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,477
What do those look like to you?
256
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,313
[Eve] Jet trails.
257
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,749
[Tim] They look
like numbers to me.
258
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,185
I-- I've been seeing
11/11 everywhere lately.
259
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,388
That's wonderful.
260
00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:39,958
You don't mind?
261
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,026
[chuckles] Why would I mind?
262
00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:45,263
It's just God reminding you
of something important.
263
00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,502
Thank you.
I'm glad you see it like that.
264
00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:54,205
[chuckles] Can you believe it's
going to be 16 years next week?
265
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:58,543
[chuckles] I've
invited a ton of people.
266
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,012
I told Mallory
she can invite a friend or two.
267
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,481
You know, female,
of course. [chuckles]
268
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,551
You know, in a couple of years
269
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:09,020
the conversation
won't be about cell phones.
270
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,322
It'll be about cars.
271
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:14,192
[scoffs] Oh, please
don't say that. [chuckles]
272
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:16,361
-Letting her...
-I cannot handle that right now.
273
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:17,829
...letting her have a cell phone
274
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:19,164
doesn't mean
she'll get pregnant.
275
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,200
But if she has a cell
phone, she's going to--
276
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,003
[both breath heavily]
277
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,049
I just can't do that right now.
278
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:39,951
I'm sorry.
279
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,091
[Tim sighs]
280
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,862
[crickets chirping]
281
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,269
[Eve clears throat]
282
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,880
Every man I know
pees standing up.
283
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,448
Well, it's your turn
to clean it, then.
284
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,518
-I aim carefully.
-I know you do,
285
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,554
but you're supposed to aim
at the inside, not the outside.
286
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:18,389
-[Tim chuckles]
-[gasps]
287
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,557
Ew!
288
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,926
Oh, ooh, ew, ew, ew, ew.
289
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,063
I want to go out. We're going
to picket the pet store
290
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,331
to stop selling live animals.
291
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,101
Tim, can you take her, please?
292
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,269
I already have plans tonight.
293
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:32,437
Well, I would, but I have
294
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:33,638
a toilet to clean.
295
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,140
You know,
this wouldn't be an issue
296
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:38,910
if you would just
let her have a cell phone.
297
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:42,280
We wouldn't have to
chaperone her around everywhere.
298
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,581
I am not willing
to risk losing her.
299
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,251
Pastor Paul
has really opened my eyes
300
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,319
to the dangers
of modern communications.
301
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,121
Cell phones lead to texting.
302
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,289
Texting leads to dating.
303
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,490
Dating leads to pregnancy.
304
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,025
It's not worth it.
305
00:14:58,131 --> 00:14:59,230
[Tim sighs]
306
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,166
[zipper zips]
307
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:03,268
[door tapping]
308
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,338
[giggles] Hello, lover!
309
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,307
-[upbeat music]
-Hey!
310
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,508
[locks clank]
311
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,344
[Tim gasps]
312
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,346
Hello!
313
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:16,948
[bangs on door]
314
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:17,949
[Tim] Go away.
315
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,317
You better let me in.
316
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,052
I'm going to start
making a scene out here.
317
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:22,353
You don't want that.
318
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:25,323
Hi.
319
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:28,426
I told you I'd meet you
at Thunder Mountain.
320
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,931
Nice place you got here.
321
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:39,404
[chuckles]
I love your style. [purrs]
322
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:43,474
Oh, oh, I need
to see my daughter.
323
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,944
She's Eve's daughter now.
324
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:48,079
-You gave her up.
-Oh, come on.
325
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,548
I, I, I really want to
hang out with her, you know,
326
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,283
and, you know, kick it with her.
327
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,519
It's a little late for that.
328
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,087
Um, okay, look, how about--
329
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,057
how about you tell your wifey
330
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:03,094
that I am here
doing a documentary
331
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,997
about Crock-Pots that believe
in UFOs.
332
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:07,332
It's perfect.
333
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,000
Do you mean crackpots?
334
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,103
Oh, what's a Crock-Pot?
335
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,038
Oh, well, it's--
336
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,974
We don't have time for that.
337
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:18,109
-Eve's going to be
home any minute now.
-Okay, great.
338
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,744
Can she tell me
what a Crock-Pot is?
339
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:23,681
No! No, just forget
about videos, or photos, or...
340
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,084
[sighs] ...I'm not
going to lie to my wife.
341
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,052
[laughs] It's a little
late for that. [laughs]
342
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:29,754
You see what I did there?
343
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,157
I, I'll e-mail you
some photos or something.
344
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,727
Just don't ever come back here,
345
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:38,162
and you do not get to see her.
346
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,698
Okay, but what if I take you
347
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,067
on a tour of the solar system?
348
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:44,769
[purrs] Because you like
349
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,338
-the solar--
-No, stop, stop.
350
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,340
[laughs]
351
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,642
-[gasps] Oh, my--
-Okey-dokey, well,
352
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:53,544
-um, yeah.
-But give a second--
353
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:56,581
We'll definitely think
about Mormonism
354
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,149
-and whether it might...
-No.
355
00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,484
-...be right for us.
-Hold on a second.
356
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,752
-Hold on, I just--
-See you, bye.
357
00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:02,353
-[Andromeda] Wait, wait.
-[Tim] Bye.
358
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,724
Wow, you really got
to admire people
359
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,293
with faith
in such crazy ideas, right?
360
00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:10,428
Are you ready?
361
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,562
Let's go picket.
362
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:15,299
Um, no, let's, let's
go out the back door, um,
363
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,202
because actually
it's such a nice night
364
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,238
and those crazy
Mormons are out there.
365
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,774
[whimsical music]
366
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,792
[Tim] Good morning, sweetie.
367
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,633
[pad whooshes]
368
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,308
I've stopped speaking.
369
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,243
Why have you stopped speaking?
370
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,693
[whimsical music]
371
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,298
[Eve] Tim, would you
like to come with me?
372
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,634
I'm sure Pastor Paul
would really love to meet you.
373
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,603
[Tim] Well, Jesus
said suffer the children,
374
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,840
so I'll stay home
and make sure Mallory suffers.
375
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,713
-[Eve screams]
-[screams] Oh, God!
376
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,715
-[Eve gasps]
-[gasps] I'm sorry.
377
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:40,651
You, you left the door unlocked.
I didn't think you'd mind.
378
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,688
Uh, there must be
some misunderstanding.
379
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,423
-I have no, I--
-[footsteps thump]
380
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:46,824
-Tim?
-What happened?
381
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,192
[all gasp]
382
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:52,330
Eve, this, this is Andromeda.
383
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:55,733
I-- I hadn't expected her
to show up today.
384
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:57,668
[Eve] Oh.
385
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,706
She's here to
interview me and Mallory.
386
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,808
Oh, why?
387
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,277
Well, I'm doing
a documentary about UFOs,
388
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,579
and I wanted
to interview his daughter
389
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:11,315
to find out what it was
like living with a crackpot.
390
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,485
-Oh, a crackpot?
-Yeah, that's what I said.
391
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,889
Oh... [laughs] I thought
you meant Crock-Pots.
392
00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:21,192
I can give you the good
stories on both of those things,
393
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:23,628
but, um, I really have to go.
394
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:27,932
Maybe next time.
395
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,401
-Bye, hon.
-Bye.
396
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:33,871
I'm very excited to
film you in your documentary
397
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:37,542
for the UFO thing.
398
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,745
Um, what do I do?
399
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:43,447
Told you give me a few days.
400
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:44,582
What are you talking about?
401
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,284
I want to see my daughter.
402
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:49,353
You cannot tell
Mallory who you are.
403
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,322
Oh, my gosh, you can't
tell me what to do.
404
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:54,825
I'm begging you, please,
just Eve can't find out, just,
405
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,727
just tell her you're, you're,
406
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,797
you're a... [stutters] friend
of the family or something.
407
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,532
All right, whatever.
408
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:05,303
You-- you just say
hello and then leave, okay?
409
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:08,272
[stutters] I don't know.
410
00:20:08,274 --> 00:20:09,407
Okay?
411
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,575
[groans] Okay.
412
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,677
[Tim] Mallory. Oh, huh.
413
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,245
[Andromeda gasps]
414
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:15,746
There's someone
I'd like you to meet.
415
00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:17,348
Hi.
416
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,922
Oh, she can't speak.
417
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,596
Hold on.
418
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:36,968
I'm your mother.
419
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,502
What are you doing?
420
00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:39,537
Oh, my gosh.
421
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:41,305
I, I, I was going to say
422
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:42,974
I'm your mother's friend.
423
00:20:42,976 --> 00:20:44,875
Now the cat's out of the bag.
Sorry.
424
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,814
She's your mother's friend.
425
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:51,749
No, stop lying.
426
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,820
I had sex with your father
a long time ago, and, well,
427
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,388
-I guess--
-Will you please shut up?
428
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,890
I mean, you were drunk,
but I, what?
429
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,425
[door slams]
430
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:05,997
When, when a man
loves a woman very much,
431
00:21:05,999 --> 00:21:09,433
but that woman
is constantly depressed,
432
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:14,438
and that man goes to
a party without that woman,
433
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,708
and gets really drunk...
434
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,047
[Mallory sobs]
435
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:25,016
You can't tell
your other mother.
436
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,920
Thank you.
Your sermons are so inspiring.
437
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:31,956
It's good to see you, Eve.
438
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,591
Thank you for all your service.
439
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,493
God is very grateful.
440
00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:37,028
I enjoy it.
441
00:21:37,030 --> 00:21:40,731
Perhaps you'd like to come
by for lunch one day this week.
442
00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:44,302
Oh, um, I'll see you
at the food bank.
443
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:51,008
I'm really, really sorry, okay?
444
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:54,645
I wanted to tell you,
but I just,
445
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,781
I didn't think
you were quite old enough.
446
00:21:57,950 --> 00:21:59,950
I'm not proud
of what I did, okay?
447
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:05,856
I had a one-night stand
with that woman, Andromeda.
448
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:11,595
Sex was just amazing,
like mind-blowingly cosmic...
449
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:13,597
[Mallory sobs]
450
00:22:13,599 --> 00:22:15,066
...and then nine months later
451
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:20,638
Andromeda shows up with
this tiny wriggling pink thing.
452
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:24,875
I made up a story about you
being abandoned by the creek.
453
00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:28,079
Can't we just
keep her for one night?
454
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:32,483
She's the most,
455
00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:33,850
she's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
456
00:22:35,988 --> 00:22:37,521
We had just lost a baby,
457
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,057
but she saw you
for the first time.
458
00:22:40,059 --> 00:22:41,726
You healed her heart.
459
00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:45,596
Please just hear me out.
460
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:51,068
Just, just one
more, just tiny detail.
461
00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:52,036
Andromeda is...
462
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,371
[sighs]
463
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:58,642
...is, is a vegan,
Vegan, she, she... [sobs]
464
00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:02,747
...I don't mean
no animal products.
465
00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:14,759
[spoon clunks]
466
00:23:16,529 --> 00:23:18,429
Put your dish in the dishwasher.
467
00:23:28,841 --> 00:23:31,509
We can do our animal
rights protesting later, honey.
468
00:23:31,511 --> 00:23:32,877
Come on, let's, let's go.
469
00:23:32,879 --> 00:23:34,578
[off-kilter music]
470
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,887
All right, here we go.
471
00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:50,761
Oh.
472
00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:55,866
There you go.
473
00:23:58,671 --> 00:24:01,172
All right, Mr. and Mrs...
474
00:24:02,442 --> 00:24:04,742
Sophie Jones and Clint Lane.
475
00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:07,111
You kept your maiden name.
476
00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:08,946
-That's, that's cool.
-I'm an actress.
477
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,548
I use it as my stage name.
478
00:24:10,550 --> 00:24:12,149
Oh, cool, cool.
479
00:24:13,152 --> 00:24:14,985
Okay, okay, right this way.
480
00:24:21,093 --> 00:24:23,794
Um, so how long
have you been married?
481
00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:25,563
-Eight years.
-Five years.
482
00:24:28,601 --> 00:24:30,201
Oh, we're not
married to each other.
483
00:24:31,637 --> 00:24:33,070
We're having an affair.
484
00:24:33,606 --> 00:24:36,006
We decided
to have a weekend away.
485
00:24:36,542 --> 00:24:37,741
The affair was in trouble.
486
00:24:38,478 --> 00:24:39,543
She's exaggerating.
487
00:24:39,545 --> 00:24:40,811
We're fine.
488
00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,880
Affairs don't just
happen, Clint.
489
00:24:42,882 --> 00:24:44,515
You have to work at them.
490
00:24:44,517 --> 00:24:46,851
Well, good news.
It's felt like work recently.
491
00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:50,488
This is the place
where Daniel Wirtzuk
492
00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:52,089
first encountered his,
493
00:24:52,091 --> 00:24:55,693
the-- the extraterrestrials
from the crashed ship.
494
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:57,194
I'm sure there's another woman.
495
00:24:57,864 --> 00:24:59,930
You, you mean another
other woman?
496
00:24:59,932 --> 00:25:02,967
Exactly, another other woman.
497
00:25:06,606 --> 00:25:08,839
The aliens, uh, will, will,
498
00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,942
will see this
from their spaceship
499
00:25:11,944 --> 00:25:14,879
and think it's one of
their own craft in distress.
500
00:25:14,881 --> 00:25:16,714
We call it a bait ship.
501
00:25:17,984 --> 00:25:19,683
I have another word for it.
502
00:25:19,685 --> 00:25:21,051
I'd call it batshit.
503
00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:29,660
At first the sex is great.
504
00:25:30,663 --> 00:25:33,230
But then eventually
you're just trapped by two women
505
00:25:33,232 --> 00:25:34,532
instead of one.
506
00:25:40,773 --> 00:25:44,642
Imagine being able to
see how, how they live,
507
00:25:44,644 --> 00:25:47,177
how they eat,
how, how they reproduce.
508
00:25:47,179 --> 00:25:48,913
Alien porn.
509
00:25:48,915 --> 00:25:50,314
I'll stick around for that.
510
00:25:57,089 --> 00:25:58,122
Should I?
511
00:25:58,124 --> 00:25:59,256
[Clint scoffs]
512
00:26:02,762 --> 00:26:05,996
Well... [chuckles] let's
continue on, I guess, um.
513
00:26:15,174 --> 00:26:16,974
Anyone ever tell you
you look like that guy
514
00:26:16,976 --> 00:26:18,642
from that singing show?
515
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,179
I'm incognito.
516
00:26:22,882 --> 00:26:24,114
[harmonica honks]
517
00:26:28,688 --> 00:26:32,222
Wow, that is you!
Wow, that's cool!
518
00:26:32,224 --> 00:26:35,059
That's great. I, I think
you have a good chance, man.
519
00:26:35,928 --> 00:26:38,329
Hey, I just joined
the competition to get laid.
520
00:26:39,231 --> 00:26:42,733
[sighs] I vaguely
remember what that feels like.
521
00:26:42,735 --> 00:26:44,168
Are you married, then?
522
00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:45,736
16 years.
523
00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:49,106
[sighs] We get married
for the sex,
524
00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:51,842
and what's the first thing
that goes after the honeymoon?
525
00:26:52,678 --> 00:26:55,379
Yeah, try losing a baby, too.
526
00:26:56,248 --> 00:26:57,247
Aw, ouch.
527
00:26:59,051 --> 00:27:01,352
That's why guys like us
have to have affairs.
528
00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:06,857
No, met a hot alien and
didn't have enough willpower.
529
00:27:09,295 --> 00:27:10,361
For real?
530
00:27:10,363 --> 00:27:11,829
[whimsical music]
531
00:27:13,633 --> 00:27:15,366
Did you film that,
by any chance?
532
00:27:26,679 --> 00:27:28,379
[stammers]
533
00:27:30,349 --> 00:27:31,682
There you go.
534
00:27:33,386 --> 00:27:34,385
[sighs]
535
00:27:35,788 --> 00:27:37,321
¶ Your mind ¶
536
00:27:39,392 --> 00:27:42,326
¶ About leaving ¶
537
00:27:42,862 --> 00:27:47,231
¶ Leaving me behind ¶
538
00:27:47,233 --> 00:27:50,434
¶ Oh baby ¶
539
00:27:50,436 --> 00:27:51,835
¶ Bring it to me ¶
540
00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,437
[remote clicks]
541
00:27:53,439 --> 00:27:55,439
I wonder what the rest of
that sentence was going to be.
542
00:27:56,742 --> 00:27:57,775
Sorry?
543
00:27:59,412 --> 00:28:00,778
Mallory's graffiti.
544
00:28:00,780 --> 00:28:02,112
What do you think
she was writing?
545
00:28:02,682 --> 00:28:04,381
"You can't tell me what to do.
You're..."
546
00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:07,284
Not the boss of me?
547
00:28:11,323 --> 00:28:13,891
Oh, you'll never guess
who I gave a tour to today.
548
00:28:13,893 --> 00:28:17,127
Hang on. I want to watch the
rest of "American Voice Talent."
549
00:28:17,129 --> 00:28:18,462
I missed Thursday's episode
550
00:28:18,464 --> 00:28:20,197
and I want to see
who gets knocked off.
551
00:28:20,199 --> 00:28:21,999
That's what
I'm trying to tell you.
552
00:28:22,001 --> 00:28:25,035
I just met one of the
contestants, Clint Dwayne,
553
00:28:25,037 --> 00:28:27,905
and I think
we saw an actual UFO.
554
00:28:31,977 --> 00:28:34,712
Pastor Paul says
there's no such thing as aliens.
555
00:28:36,782 --> 00:28:37,948
[pot thuds]
556
00:28:39,985 --> 00:28:43,954
He says those creatures
that, stoned rednecks see
557
00:28:43,956 --> 00:28:46,123
when flying saucers land
on their trailer,
558
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,328
are actually demons
sent by Satan to tempt us.
559
00:28:52,064 --> 00:28:54,798
[chuckles] Wow,
560
00:28:55,201 --> 00:28:58,235
he sounds like he is
really out there. [chuckles]
561
00:28:59,839 --> 00:29:01,972
I thought we could
have lunch on the patio.
562
00:29:04,343 --> 00:29:07,111
You know, my allergies
are kind of acting up.
563
00:29:07,113 --> 00:29:09,012
I-- I think
I'm going to stay inside.
564
00:29:15,821 --> 00:29:17,087
Dax!
565
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:18,055
Dax, come here.
566
00:29:18,057 --> 00:29:19,323
I-- I need your help.
567
00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:23,794
I'm hoping you can defuse
some of her anger.
568
00:29:23,796 --> 00:29:27,364
She won't talk to me
or her mother, Eve.
569
00:29:45,284 --> 00:29:47,384
Whoa, have you gone blind?
570
00:29:49,088 --> 00:29:51,522
Dude, this is really effed up.
571
00:29:52,057 --> 00:29:54,258
Thank you for
your diagnosis, doctor.
572
00:29:54,827 --> 00:29:56,827
[Tim] Talk to her, please.
573
00:29:56,829 --> 00:29:58,061
Just--
574
00:30:08,374 --> 00:30:09,339
Hey, babe.
575
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:13,443
Did you see that?
576
00:30:13,445 --> 00:30:15,112
She looked right at me.
577
00:30:16,882 --> 00:30:18,382
I cured her blindness.
578
00:30:18,384 --> 00:30:19,883
[whimsical music]
579
00:30:34,967 --> 00:30:39,169
40 years and I have
never gotten tired of that view.
580
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,005
How's Eve?
581
00:30:43,108 --> 00:30:44,107
Fine, I guess.
582
00:30:45,411 --> 00:30:47,344
How am I supposed to know?
583
00:30:49,248 --> 00:30:52,916
If you are
honest and kind with her,
584
00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:54,451
she'll open up to you.
585
00:30:56,522 --> 00:30:57,955
Do you still love her?
586
00:30:59,058 --> 00:31:00,190
Of course I do.
587
00:31:00,593 --> 00:31:02,860
Well, then show her
once in a while.
588
00:31:09,501 --> 00:31:11,301
[resolute music]
589
00:31:14,540 --> 00:31:15,906
[sighs]
590
00:31:22,081 --> 00:31:23,380
[whirring]
591
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,190
Ow!
592
00:31:43,102 --> 00:31:44,902
[gasps] Tim,
593
00:31:45,337 --> 00:31:46,570
-what are you doing?
-Sh.
594
00:31:47,673 --> 00:31:50,974
Sh, come with me.
595
00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:52,643
What's going on?
596
00:31:53,145 --> 00:31:54,444
Just trust me.
597
00:31:54,446 --> 00:31:56,480
-Just follow me.
-[chuckles]
598
00:31:57,216 --> 00:31:58,448
Right this way.
599
00:31:59,184 --> 00:32:00,317
[Eve] Okay.
600
00:32:00,686 --> 00:32:03,053
[chuckles] Sit, sit.
601
00:32:07,092 --> 00:32:08,425
Now you can look.
602
00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:13,630
Wow, what's all this for?
603
00:32:14,566 --> 00:32:17,701
I thought we could use a
little romantic dinner for two.
604
00:32:17,703 --> 00:32:18,969
For no reason?
605
00:32:18,971 --> 00:32:21,405
For a very definite reason:
606
00:32:21,407 --> 00:32:22,506
because I love you.
607
00:32:23,142 --> 00:32:24,374
And what about Mallory?
608
00:32:25,010 --> 00:32:27,010
I love her too,
but she's not hungry.
609
00:32:27,012 --> 00:32:28,545
She's staying
in her room tonight.
610
00:32:28,547 --> 00:32:29,680
I should go say hi.
611
00:32:29,682 --> 00:32:32,049
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
612
00:32:33,085 --> 00:32:34,184
There's no need.
613
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,186
She's fine.
614
00:32:36,188 --> 00:32:37,120
[thuds]
615
00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:38,322
[sobs]
616
00:32:38,324 --> 00:32:42,326
For an appetizer, may I
suggest chocolate eclairs?
617
00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:45,329
[Eve] Uh, chocolate
eclairs for a starter?
618
00:32:45,331 --> 00:32:46,263
Cheers.
619
00:32:46,265 --> 00:32:47,631
[thuds]
620
00:32:48,367 --> 00:32:50,467
[sobs]
621
00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:54,671
May I recommend the strawberry
cream cake galore.
622
00:32:54,673 --> 00:32:58,542
[laughs] Oh.
623
00:33:02,181 --> 00:33:05,749
Mm, I have to admit you played
your cards right tonight.
624
00:33:05,751 --> 00:33:08,218
This could be your lucky night.
625
00:33:08,220 --> 00:33:09,219
[gasps]
626
00:33:11,023 --> 00:33:12,489
For what he is about to receive,
627
00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:14,491
may the Lord
make him truly thankful.
628
00:33:18,597 --> 00:33:20,063
[Eve sighs]
629
00:33:22,634 --> 00:33:26,069
[sighs] Thank you
for the meal, captain.
630
00:33:26,472 --> 00:33:27,637
I loved it.
631
00:33:28,140 --> 00:33:29,606
You're welcome, number one.
632
00:33:31,310 --> 00:33:34,211
Would you like
to explore my quarters?
633
00:33:38,050 --> 00:33:39,182
[Eve sighs]
634
00:33:43,188 --> 00:33:45,455
[sighs] Welcome
to your final frontier.
635
00:33:46,725 --> 00:33:47,791
Warp speed?
636
00:33:55,601 --> 00:33:57,401
[screams] Mallory!
637
00:33:57,403 --> 00:34:01,405
Uh, um, I was wondering
how you were doing, sweetie.
638
00:34:02,107 --> 00:34:03,140
Uh, uh.
639
00:34:04,076 --> 00:34:05,042
[toy thuds]
640
00:34:05,044 --> 00:34:05,809
What?
641
00:34:09,148 --> 00:34:11,214
What in heaven's name
is that about?
642
00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:13,717
What is that?
643
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:15,752
Um, it looks like
644
00:34:15,754 --> 00:34:17,788
it might be some kind of,
645
00:34:17,790 --> 00:34:19,823
um, spycam.
646
00:34:20,592 --> 00:34:22,159
Someone's spying on our family?
647
00:34:24,296 --> 00:34:25,629
Doesn't that worry you?
648
00:34:25,631 --> 00:34:27,197
Yeah, yeah, of course.
649
00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:28,265
Course it does.
650
00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:29,633
I'm going to go to Walmart.
651
00:34:30,135 --> 00:34:32,469
[sighs] They have to
have a scanner, you know,
652
00:34:32,471 --> 00:34:34,438
so that we can
scan our house for bugs.
653
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:36,273
Yeah, I'm sure they got those.
654
00:34:36,275 --> 00:34:39,509
They got everything, right?
Um, but, um, um,
655
00:34:39,511 --> 00:34:42,546
don't you have to go to
the food bank in the morning?
656
00:34:44,083 --> 00:34:46,083
You know what? I'll go.
657
00:34:46,685 --> 00:34:48,452
You just get
some sleep, you know?
658
00:34:59,098 --> 00:35:00,297
[tires crunch]
659
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:03,467
[upbeat music]
660
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:08,772
Ha-ha! [laughs]
661
00:35:10,275 --> 00:35:12,275
Hey, buddy, let's chat.
662
00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:13,743
Let's catch up on old times.
663
00:35:13,745 --> 00:35:15,212
Are you mad?
664
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:18,115
I'm a little frustrated,
but that's not the point.
665
00:35:18,117 --> 00:35:19,216
Make something up.
666
00:35:19,885 --> 00:35:21,351
Get out!
667
00:35:22,688 --> 00:35:24,387
Fine, if that's
the way you want it.
668
00:35:24,389 --> 00:35:26,590
-Hey, everybody!
-Okay, okay, okay, okay!
669
00:35:30,762 --> 00:35:32,362
[phone beeps]
670
00:35:34,166 --> 00:35:35,632
[phone rings]
671
00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:37,501
-[Eve] Hello?
-[Tim] Hi, hon. Um,
672
00:35:37,503 --> 00:35:39,169
hey, there seems to be
673
00:35:39,171 --> 00:35:42,606
some kind of alien
visitation happening, um--
674
00:35:42,608 --> 00:35:43,573
[Eve] Really?
675
00:35:43,575 --> 00:35:44,741
[Tim] So I might go by
676
00:35:44,743 --> 00:35:46,343
and check that out, uh,
677
00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:48,678
after I go to the store, okay?
678
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,180
[Eve] Okay,
679
00:35:50,182 --> 00:35:51,281
-be careful.
-Okay.
680
00:35:51,283 --> 00:35:52,249
Love you.
681
00:35:54,253 --> 00:35:55,752
-Was really good.
-[Tim sighs]
682
00:35:56,488 --> 00:35:57,754
Let's party.
683
00:35:57,756 --> 00:35:59,289
[upbeat music]
684
00:35:59,825 --> 00:36:01,258
[crickets chirping]
685
00:36:06,231 --> 00:36:07,464
Why did we come here?
686
00:36:07,866 --> 00:36:10,667
[pants] Why did you
even come back?
687
00:36:11,837 --> 00:36:15,305
And why am I seeing
11/11 everywhere now?
688
00:36:15,307 --> 00:36:16,506
That's when I leave,
689
00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:22,546
but you have
to do something for me...
690
00:36:23,315 --> 00:36:24,347
[pats blanket]
691
00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:25,315
...right here.
692
00:36:27,419 --> 00:36:29,553
I, I can't do anything with you.
693
00:36:29,555 --> 00:36:32,589
I'm not talking about having
sex with me, you big dummy.
694
00:36:32,591 --> 00:36:36,326
Come on, I have come
a long way to see you.
695
00:36:36,328 --> 00:36:37,627
The least you could do is...
696
00:36:39,598 --> 00:36:40,964
tell me about our daughter.
697
00:36:43,435 --> 00:36:44,768
[Andromeda sighs]
698
00:36:44,770 --> 00:36:46,536
[Tim] And then,
in fifth grade, she made
699
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:48,905
-the honor roll.
-That's amazing. So good.
700
00:36:48,907 --> 00:36:51,208
You know, if, if I used
the flux capacitors
701
00:36:51,210 --> 00:36:53,276
to control
the iambic pentameter,
702
00:36:53,278 --> 00:36:55,645
we could be gone for three days,
but come back,
703
00:36:55,647 --> 00:36:57,380
like an hour or two
after we leave.
704
00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:58,682
[chuckles]
705
00:36:58,684 --> 00:37:01,618
That would be fantastic! Oh!
706
00:37:03,522 --> 00:37:06,856
Flux capacitors to
control the iambic pentameter?
707
00:37:06,858 --> 00:37:09,593
Yes, you don't have
any words for our technology,
708
00:37:09,595 --> 00:37:13,663
so I use words that earthlings
can relate to, you know?
709
00:37:15,334 --> 00:37:17,434
It's going to be
centuries before you have a--
710
00:37:19,404 --> 00:37:21,738
life-is-like-
a-box-of-chocolates drive.
711
00:37:26,378 --> 00:37:27,410
Chyea.
712
00:37:27,713 --> 00:37:29,312
[upbeat music]
713
00:37:38,457 --> 00:37:39,556
[Tim sighs]
714
00:37:43,895 --> 00:37:45,428
[insects chirping]
715
00:37:49,835 --> 00:37:51,434
[phone rings]
716
00:37:53,305 --> 00:37:54,437
Hello?
717
00:37:54,439 --> 00:37:56,740
James, I'm going into space,
718
00:37:56,742 --> 00:37:58,775
and this time
it will be undeniable.
719
00:38:00,545 --> 00:38:01,845
James?
720
00:38:01,847 --> 00:38:03,813
You do understand
that Abductees Anonymous
721
00:38:03,815 --> 00:38:06,883
is for people who
want to stop being abducted?
722
00:38:07,753 --> 00:38:09,919
I know, but... [sighs] you guys
723
00:38:09,921 --> 00:38:12,322
are the only people
I can really relate to.
724
00:38:13,959 --> 00:38:15,325
Okay, Tim.
725
00:38:15,827 --> 00:38:17,661
Just be sure to
bring plenty of Vaseline.
726
00:38:17,663 --> 00:38:19,529
-[upbeat music]
-Vaseline?
727
00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:22,699
Why?
728
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:23,766
[scoffs]
You don't think. [scoffs]
729
00:38:24,569 --> 00:38:28,038
No, no, no, no,
Andromeda wouldn't do that.
730
00:38:29,374 --> 00:38:30,407
Would she?
731
00:38:30,409 --> 00:38:31,808
They all use probes, Tim.
732
00:38:40,085 --> 00:38:41,918
Um, excuse me.
733
00:38:43,322 --> 00:38:45,388
What aisle do you
keep the Vaseline on?
734
00:38:45,791 --> 00:38:46,890
11?
735
00:38:47,559 --> 00:38:48,725
11.
736
00:39:00,839 --> 00:39:02,572
[upbeat country music]
737
00:39:04,710 --> 00:39:08,044
¶ A long time ago
When my wife was depressed ¶
738
00:39:08,046 --> 00:39:09,646
¶ I went to a party-- ¶
739
00:39:09,648 --> 00:39:11,548
That's him. That's the guy
I gave a tour to.
740
00:39:11,550 --> 00:39:14,884
¶ I slept with an
Alien and she gave birth ¶
741
00:39:14,886 --> 00:39:16,019
¶ With me and my daughter ¶
742
00:39:16,021 --> 00:39:17,420
Oh, I recognize him.
743
00:39:17,422 --> 00:39:18,655
Wow, he was on your tour?
744
00:39:18,657 --> 00:39:19,923
¶ My wife didn't know ¶
745
00:39:19,925 --> 00:39:21,758
¶ That little baby was mine ¶
746
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:22,826
¶ We adopted her ¶
747
00:39:22,828 --> 00:39:24,094
[Eve] This is catchy.
748
00:39:24,096 --> 00:39:25,528
¶ And now everything's fine ¶
749
00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:29,999
¶ But my wife's
Lost all her sex drive ¶
750
00:39:30,001 --> 00:39:32,369
¶ And I'm
About to lose my mind ¶
751
00:39:32,871 --> 00:39:34,971
-He's good. I want
to vote for him.
-¶ Her temperature ¶
752
00:39:34,973 --> 00:39:37,140
-¶ Took a nosedive ¶
-Give me your phone.
753
00:39:37,142 --> 00:39:38,508
¶ She's romantically ¶
754
00:39:38,510 --> 00:39:40,009
¶ Disinclined ¶
755
00:39:40,645 --> 00:39:43,713
¶ My wife's
Lost all her sex drive ¶
756
00:39:43,715 --> 00:39:46,950
-What's the number?
-¶ And it just seems so unfair ¶
757
00:39:47,486 --> 00:39:50,687
¶ My wife's
Lost all her sex drive ¶
758
00:39:50,689 --> 00:39:53,923
¶ She's as
Frosty as a polar bear ¶
759
00:39:56,495 --> 00:39:57,861
[Clint] Hi, this is Clint.
760
00:39:57,863 --> 00:39:59,996
Leave your name and message.
761
00:39:59,998 --> 00:40:01,131
Be right back to you.
762
00:40:01,133 --> 00:40:02,165
Maybe.
763
00:40:02,167 --> 00:40:03,733
[whimsical music]
764
00:40:18,750 --> 00:40:20,683
Hi, this is Clint.
765
00:40:20,685 --> 00:40:22,519
Leave your name and message.
766
00:40:22,521 --> 00:40:23,787
Be right back to you.
767
00:40:23,789 --> 00:40:24,754
Maybe.
768
00:40:27,025 --> 00:40:28,425
[groans]
769
00:40:44,843 --> 00:40:46,042
[Mallory scoffs]
770
00:40:53,518 --> 00:40:56,119
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
771
00:40:56,121 --> 00:40:57,754
What just went on here?
772
00:40:59,925 --> 00:41:01,658
What did you say to her?
773
00:41:05,597 --> 00:41:10,767
Lettuce, gone, a date.
774
00:41:11,636 --> 00:41:12,836
[Mallory giggles]
775
00:41:13,872 --> 00:41:16,473
You just invited
my daughter on a date?
776
00:41:20,946 --> 00:41:22,512
[zipper zips]
777
00:41:24,549 --> 00:41:26,683
If you're going to
start going out with boys
778
00:41:26,685 --> 00:41:28,117
you're going
to need one of these.
779
00:41:28,119 --> 00:41:29,219
Activated and charged.
780
00:41:29,221 --> 00:41:30,620
Do not tell your mother.
781
00:41:31,923 --> 00:41:33,690
Call me before you get home.
782
00:41:33,692 --> 00:41:35,492
I do not want
your mom to find out
783
00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:37,260
that you've been
out without a chaperone.
784
00:41:41,967 --> 00:41:43,066
[tires crunch]
785
00:41:46,771 --> 00:41:47,971
[Tim] Just wait right here.
786
00:41:47,973 --> 00:41:49,639
I, I, I, I'll be just a minute.
787
00:42:00,585 --> 00:42:02,118
Hey, Clint.
788
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:03,686
Yeah?
789
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:05,855
Hey, nice job
on the show last night.
790
00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:07,657
Oh, hey, thanks, man.
791
00:42:07,993 --> 00:42:11,261
Um, I, I just have a
really quick question, um.
792
00:42:11,763 --> 00:42:14,864
Where you do get the
inspiration for all your songs?
793
00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:18,034
Oh, you know, from life.
794
00:42:18,904 --> 00:42:20,203
My life!
795
00:42:20,739 --> 00:42:23,806
I, I, I told you
those things in confidence
796
00:42:23,808 --> 00:42:25,308
and you went
on national television
797
00:42:25,310 --> 00:42:27,644
and sang a song
about my sex life?
798
00:42:27,646 --> 00:42:29,913
Dude, it's just a song.
799
00:42:29,915 --> 00:42:31,681
It's not a big deal.
800
00:42:31,683 --> 00:42:35,318
And to make it worse,
you tell the entire country
801
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,253
that my wife
won't have sex with me.
802
00:42:37,255 --> 00:42:39,656
Ah, nobody knows that was you.
803
00:42:39,658 --> 00:42:43,026
You know, you're just making
a mountain out of a molehill.
804
00:42:43,328 --> 00:42:44,894
Just chill out, man.
805
00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:46,563
Got to go, got to go.
806
00:42:46,565 --> 00:42:49,065
Got some business
to attend to. [chuckles]
807
00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:50,333
[all giggle]
808
00:42:54,272 --> 00:42:55,338
[Tim groans]
809
00:43:04,282 --> 00:43:05,648
[door slams]
810
00:43:05,650 --> 00:43:07,050
-[Tim yells]
-[van thumps]
811
00:43:09,154 --> 00:43:12,622
¶ We adopted her and
Now everything's fine ¶
812
00:43:12,624 --> 00:43:14,624
[man] I love this song!
813
00:43:14,626 --> 00:43:15,825
[sings] ¶ But my wife's ¶
814
00:43:15,827 --> 00:43:17,327
¶ Lost all her sex drive ¶
815
00:43:17,329 --> 00:43:18,728
¶ And I'm just about ¶
816
00:43:18,730 --> 00:43:20,897
¶ To lose my mind ¶
817
00:43:21,232 --> 00:43:24,801
¶ Her temperature took
A nosedive ¶
818
00:43:24,803 --> 00:43:27,804
¶ She's
Romantically disinclined ¶
819
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:30,340
-[plants rustle]
-[birds chirping]
820
00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:35,678
-Paul!
-[Paul chuckles]
821
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,280
What a pleasant surprise.
822
00:43:37,282 --> 00:43:39,182
I just happened to
be in the neighborhood.
823
00:43:39,184 --> 00:43:41,117
Well, why don't you have a seat?
824
00:43:41,119 --> 00:43:43,686
Maybe I could get
you some coffee or tea?
825
00:43:43,989 --> 00:43:47,023
[laughs] Uh, I can't stay long.
826
00:43:47,025 --> 00:43:48,124
Is your family home?
827
00:43:48,827 --> 00:43:50,893
They're out and about, you know.
828
00:43:50,895 --> 00:43:51,894
[Paul thumps seat]
829
00:43:51,896 --> 00:43:55,331
[laughs] You know,
830
00:43:55,333 --> 00:43:58,301
I've never actually
met Tim. [chuckles]
831
00:43:58,303 --> 00:44:01,704
I see him when he picks you up,
but we've never spoken.
832
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:03,740
You know, he's out
833
00:44:03,742 --> 00:44:05,742
looking for little
green men. [chuckles]
834
00:44:07,112 --> 00:44:09,112
We've talked about that before.
835
00:44:09,114 --> 00:44:13,116
Those little
green men are demons, Eve.
836
00:44:15,286 --> 00:44:17,220
I'm sure he uses precautions.
837
00:44:17,222 --> 00:44:20,857
Uh, uh, have you ever
considered being with someone
838
00:44:20,859 --> 00:44:23,893
who's more aligned
with your spiritual beliefs?
839
00:44:24,429 --> 00:44:25,828
Excuse me.
840
00:44:25,830 --> 00:44:26,829
Well, well,
841
00:44:26,831 --> 00:44:29,165
well, I, I, I, I, I know,
842
00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:33,436
I, I, I, I'm sure that Tim
was a good man once, but he--
843
00:44:33,438 --> 00:44:35,271
What are you--
what are you suggesting?
844
00:44:35,273 --> 00:44:37,407
-Jesus said that--
-Jesus schmeezus, just...
845
00:44:37,409 --> 00:44:38,708
[Eve gasps]
846
00:44:38,710 --> 00:44:39,909
...just give it some thought.
847
00:44:39,911 --> 00:44:41,077
Oh!
848
00:44:41,079 --> 00:44:42,378
-[vegetables thump]
-Well,
849
00:44:42,380 --> 00:44:45,415
your eternal soul is at stake.
850
00:44:45,417 --> 00:44:46,983
[upbeat music]
851
00:44:50,722 --> 00:44:53,089
[laughs] Hi!
852
00:44:53,091 --> 00:44:54,123
[Eve] Hi.
853
00:44:54,125 --> 00:44:56,359
Hi, um, Evelyn?
854
00:44:56,895 --> 00:44:58,094
[Eve] It's Eve.
855
00:44:58,096 --> 00:44:59,028
-Eve.
-Yes.
856
00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:00,229
-Hi.
-Hi.
857
00:45:00,231 --> 00:45:02,465
I am here to see if, um,
858
00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:04,300
uh, Mallory, is that her name?
859
00:45:04,302 --> 00:45:07,403
Um, if I could
interview her about her dad.
860
00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:10,840
Right, well, Tim and
Mallory will be home soon,
861
00:45:10,842 --> 00:45:13,176
so you can
have a seat if you'd like.
862
00:45:13,178 --> 00:45:14,143
Oh, great.
863
00:45:14,145 --> 00:45:15,478
Thank you.
864
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,715
I'm just, Sunday
night dinner, you know.
865
00:45:18,717 --> 00:45:20,149
-[chuckles]
-Cleaning the house.
866
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,120
So,
867
00:45:25,390 --> 00:45:27,090
so when was the first
time you realized
868
00:45:27,092 --> 00:45:28,491
that your husband was crazy?
869
00:45:29,394 --> 00:45:31,127
We were driving
home late one night.
870
00:45:32,731 --> 00:45:34,263
[Eve] This... [sighs]
871
00:45:34,766 --> 00:45:36,165
...this was a long,
872
00:45:36,167 --> 00:45:38,401
a long time ago,
before Mallory came along.
873
00:45:38,403 --> 00:45:39,802
Okay.
874
00:45:39,804 --> 00:45:43,306
And we saw this light, both
of us saw it, a bright light.
875
00:45:43,308 --> 00:45:45,108
It was really fast and...
876
00:45:45,110 --> 00:45:47,110
changing all
different directions in the sky,
877
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:52,515
and I was pregnant at the time,
about 8 and a half months.
878
00:45:52,517 --> 00:45:54,117
-Aw. [chuckles]
-Yeah.
879
00:45:54,953 --> 00:45:58,421
Tim decided
to run after that light.
880
00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:00,890
-[Andromeda laughs]
-Crazy, right?
881
00:46:00,892 --> 00:46:04,527
Yeah, so he left me alone
in the car all by myself.
882
00:46:06,097 --> 00:46:09,766
Two days later
the baby was stillborn.
883
00:46:10,969 --> 00:46:13,836
-Oh.
-Yeah, and,
884
00:46:13,838 --> 00:46:15,438
sometimes think that
maybe that light
885
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:18,040
had something to do
with me losing the baby.
886
00:46:23,014 --> 00:46:26,182
Is that why you
think aliens are demons?
887
00:46:26,184 --> 00:46:29,318
Um, Tim told me
that you thought that.
888
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:33,523
Um, Pastor Paul, he teaches us
on the devil's minions.
889
00:46:33,525 --> 00:46:35,091
It makes sense.
890
00:46:35,093 --> 00:46:36,959
Not much else has since then.
891
00:46:36,961 --> 00:46:39,128
Of course, right.
892
00:46:40,932 --> 00:46:42,799
I lost my baby too.
893
00:46:44,903 --> 00:46:46,135
[soft music]
894
00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:56,412
Really?
895
00:46:56,414 --> 00:46:57,380
Yeah.
896
00:46:58,817 --> 00:46:59,582
So sorry.
897
00:47:02,053 --> 00:47:03,986
I think about my baby every day.
898
00:47:07,292 --> 00:47:09,091
Can I pray with you about it?
899
00:47:09,460 --> 00:47:10,993
It always helps me.
900
00:47:11,496 --> 00:47:15,064
Oh, gosh, I just did that
901
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:17,967
right when I was pulling up.
902
00:47:17,969 --> 00:47:20,837
Oh, God, I just,
903
00:47:20,839 --> 00:47:22,939
yeah, I'm not going
to pray again for another...
904
00:47:22,941 --> 00:47:24,440
[scoffs] you know,
like four hours.
905
00:47:24,442 --> 00:47:26,108
Oh, right, okay.
906
00:47:26,110 --> 00:47:28,411
You know, why don't
you just stay for dinner?
907
00:47:28,413 --> 00:47:31,547
-[gasps]
-It'd be no trouble
at all, you know?
908
00:47:31,549 --> 00:47:34,884
And afterwards you
can interview Mallory.
909
00:47:34,886 --> 00:47:36,519
Oh, thank you, that would...
-For your film.
910
00:47:36,521 --> 00:47:38,087
...that would be great.
Thank you so much.
911
00:47:38,089 --> 00:47:40,489
Yeah, and we could talk.
912
00:47:40,491 --> 00:47:41,591
-Sure.
-Pray afterwards.
913
00:47:41,593 --> 00:47:42,525
[both laugh]
914
00:47:42,527 --> 00:47:43,893
What's for dinner?
915
00:47:43,895 --> 00:47:45,294
[off-kilter music]
916
00:47:50,368 --> 00:47:51,968
Now, now from this shot
917
00:47:51,970 --> 00:47:54,337
we can see the same
disdain for a parent
918
00:47:54,339 --> 00:47:56,305
that we find among young humans.
919
00:47:56,307 --> 00:48:00,243
So in other words,
your half-alien hybrid
920
00:48:00,245 --> 00:48:02,545
has absolutely no
distinguishing features.
921
00:48:02,547 --> 00:48:04,013
Exactly!
922
00:48:04,015 --> 00:48:05,648
Isn't that amazing?
923
00:48:05,650 --> 00:48:07,350
-Oh, man.
-[abductees grumble]
924
00:48:13,124 --> 00:48:15,992
[laughs] Um,
925
00:48:21,299 --> 00:48:24,367
my dad says that I'm...
926
00:48:25,136 --> 00:48:26,102
half alien.
927
00:48:27,906 --> 00:48:29,205
No way, dude.
928
00:48:29,207 --> 00:48:30,473
Yeah, yeah.
929
00:48:30,475 --> 00:48:35,578
He, he feels that my mother,
my birth mother is Andromeda,
930
00:48:35,580 --> 00:48:38,347
and my dad
says that she's from Vega.
931
00:48:38,349 --> 00:48:40,516
That means you have
special powers and shit.
932
00:48:41,052 --> 00:48:44,120
[laughs] Maybe.
933
00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:49,091
Guess you're going to
have to wait to see. [chuckles]
934
00:48:59,470 --> 00:49:01,037
[Mallory whispers]
935
00:49:05,443 --> 00:49:07,043
-[van door slams]
-See you tomorrow.
936
00:49:07,045 --> 00:49:08,477
No, no, stay for dinner.
937
00:49:08,479 --> 00:49:10,980
Do you think your mom
would be okay with that?
938
00:49:10,982 --> 00:49:12,448
Well, afterwards we can.
939
00:49:14,085 --> 00:49:15,084
[Tim clears throat]
940
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:17,253
[Iris gasps]
941
00:49:18,656 --> 00:49:22,391
Okay, so we've been together
all afternoon, remember?
942
00:49:22,393 --> 00:49:24,226
We go in together.
943
00:49:24,228 --> 00:49:25,394
Tim!
944
00:49:25,396 --> 00:49:27,396
[sighs] You don't
understand, Mom.
945
00:49:27,398 --> 00:49:29,231
I'm not lying for you.
946
00:49:29,734 --> 00:49:31,467
You're speaking again.
947
00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:33,169
Oh, that's great.
948
00:49:33,171 --> 00:49:35,504
Your mother
will ground you for a year
949
00:49:35,506 --> 00:49:38,007
when she finds out
what you've been up to.
950
00:49:38,376 --> 00:49:41,243
I'm sure it's your ass
you want to protect.
951
00:49:41,245 --> 00:49:42,411
What did you just say?
952
00:49:42,413 --> 00:49:44,280
-Grammy!
-Oh, mwah!
953
00:49:44,983 --> 00:49:46,449
[Dax] Why are we
telling Mrs. Faris
954
00:49:46,451 --> 00:49:48,718
that we spent the whole
afternoon together?
955
00:49:50,421 --> 00:49:52,154
-Excuse me?
-[Dax laughs]
956
00:49:52,690 --> 00:49:55,725
I'd like this young
man to stay for dinner.
957
00:49:55,727 --> 00:49:57,426
I-- I hope you don't mind.
958
00:49:58,229 --> 00:50:01,330
¶ And sit back and chill ¶
959
00:50:02,467 --> 00:50:05,668
¶ While seeking signs ¶
960
00:50:05,670 --> 00:50:08,170
¶ Of alien's number ¶
961
00:50:08,172 --> 00:50:11,173
¶ You spend the night ¶
962
00:50:11,175 --> 00:50:12,742
¶ With Androme-- ¶
963
00:50:14,078 --> 00:50:16,012
Yeah, we don't need that noise.
964
00:50:16,014 --> 00:50:17,446
We, we've got guests.
965
00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,315
-[doorbell dings]
-Ooh, I'll get it.
966
00:50:19,317 --> 00:50:20,383
[footsteps clop]
967
00:50:22,653 --> 00:50:25,721
-Pastor Paul, go away.
-I, I, I thought you might
like me to meet your family.
968
00:50:25,723 --> 00:50:27,390
-Maybe another time.
-[Tim] Who is it?
969
00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:32,128
So nice to meet you
finally, Tim.
970
00:50:32,430 --> 00:50:34,497
-Serve the beans.
-[Paul chuckles]
971
00:50:34,499 --> 00:50:37,266
Uh, Pastor Paul came by
to say hello
972
00:50:37,268 --> 00:50:38,300
and see how we all are,
973
00:50:38,302 --> 00:50:39,635
but he can't stay long.
974
00:50:39,637 --> 00:50:40,803
There's nothing urgent.
975
00:50:42,273 --> 00:50:44,373
Looks like you made
plenty of food, Eve.
976
00:50:44,375 --> 00:50:45,574
[Eve sighs]
977
00:51:04,762 --> 00:51:06,495
Who's going to say grace?
978
00:51:06,497 --> 00:51:08,631
-Oh.
-Uh, uh, Tim.
979
00:51:08,633 --> 00:51:11,767
You're the spiritual head
of the household, you know?
980
00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:15,438
Um, sure.
981
00:51:15,773 --> 00:51:19,442
Um, okay, so, um,
982
00:51:19,777 --> 00:51:23,679
in the beginning God
said, "Let there be light,"
983
00:51:23,681 --> 00:51:27,116
and, and then he said, "Don't
put that light under a bushel
984
00:51:27,118 --> 00:51:28,651
because it might catch fire,"
985
00:51:28,653 --> 00:51:33,122
and then the burning
bushel told Moses to leave Egypt
986
00:51:33,124 --> 00:51:34,657
after 40 years of fasting,
987
00:51:34,659 --> 00:51:37,726
so goddamn, are we
grateful for this meal, right?
988
00:51:37,728 --> 00:51:39,495
Goddamn, yes.
989
00:51:39,497 --> 00:51:40,429
[Andromeda claps]
990
00:51:40,431 --> 00:51:42,098
[all] Amen.
991
00:51:42,100 --> 00:51:43,165
Amen.
992
00:51:43,167 --> 00:51:45,568
Uh, so, Andromeda, is this?
993
00:51:45,570 --> 00:51:46,602
Yes, that's right.
994
00:51:46,604 --> 00:51:47,603
What do you do?
995
00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,438
Uh, she's making a video.
996
00:51:50,141 --> 00:51:51,574
About people with crazy beliefs.
997
00:51:51,576 --> 00:51:52,541
Yeah.
998
00:51:52,543 --> 00:51:53,576
[scoffs] She certainly
999
00:51:53,578 --> 00:51:55,244
came to the right house.
1000
00:51:55,246 --> 00:51:57,613
[laughs] Oh, Mallory,
I have something for you.
1001
00:51:58,616 --> 00:52:01,183
I think you're going to
really like it. [chuckles]
1002
00:52:01,652 --> 00:52:04,320
¶ Dun duh-duh-duh-duh dun
duh-duh-dun dun ¶
1003
00:52:04,322 --> 00:52:05,721
Seitan! [laughs]
1004
00:52:07,592 --> 00:52:08,591
[chocks]
1005
00:52:08,592 --> 00:52:09,591
Be gone
from this house, evil one.
1006
00:52:10,128 --> 00:52:12,228
[Andromeda] Yeah,
it's, it's, it's seitan.
1007
00:52:12,230 --> 00:52:14,430
It's, um, it's a Vegan delicacy.
1008
00:52:14,432 --> 00:52:15,831
She means vegan.
1009
00:52:15,833 --> 00:52:16,899
[Andromeda] No, I don't.
1010
00:52:16,901 --> 00:52:20,603
Is that that stuff
made from the other stuff?
1011
00:52:20,605 --> 00:52:25,141
Exactly, wheat
gluten, yeah, good, yeah.
1012
00:52:25,443 --> 00:52:26,642
I, I thought it was,
1013
00:52:26,644 --> 00:52:28,210
I thought
you meant something else.
1014
00:52:28,212 --> 00:52:30,579
Yeah, Satan, unfortunate name.
1015
00:52:30,581 --> 00:52:34,550
Yeah, yeah, kind of
like Ashley for a boy's name.
1016
00:52:35,753 --> 00:52:38,787
Oh, Mallory, are you
still protesting animal rights?
1017
00:52:38,789 --> 00:52:41,924
-Mm-hmm.
-[laughs] That's my girl.
1018
00:52:41,926 --> 00:52:43,492
-Yes!
-[Tim clears throat]
1019
00:52:44,929 --> 00:52:46,495
You okay?
1020
00:52:46,497 --> 00:52:48,230
-Something in your throat?
-[Tim] Yeah.
1021
00:52:48,232 --> 00:52:50,166
Okay. [sighs]
1022
00:52:50,168 --> 00:52:52,301
Did you make
the beans in a Crock-Pot?
1023
00:52:52,303 --> 00:52:53,502
[device beeps]
1024
00:52:54,872 --> 00:52:56,605
So you got secret plans tonight?
1025
00:52:56,607 --> 00:52:57,339
[eerie music]
1026
00:53:01,612 --> 00:53:04,513
So you're my real mom.
1027
00:53:04,882 --> 00:53:05,848
Yes, I am.
1028
00:53:08,486 --> 00:53:10,186
Are you seriously an alien?
1029
00:53:10,955 --> 00:53:12,188
Seriously.
1030
00:53:13,591 --> 00:53:16,926
Does that mean that I'll have,
like, special powers?
1031
00:53:18,196 --> 00:53:20,462
Well, you'll have
an innate flexibility
1032
00:53:20,464 --> 00:53:22,264
that'll make you
a hit at swingers parties.
1033
00:53:24,335 --> 00:53:26,402
-Ah.
-Yeah, it's fun.
1034
00:53:28,239 --> 00:53:29,705
Why did you get rid of me?
1035
00:53:30,608 --> 00:53:33,842
I didn't get rid of you.
You're just better here.
1036
00:53:35,880 --> 00:53:37,213
You,
1037
00:53:38,616 --> 00:53:41,417
do you think I'll have
pink hair like you do?
1038
00:53:42,353 --> 00:53:44,853
Here's the cool part.
When we get home,
1039
00:53:44,855 --> 00:53:46,855
you can pick
whatever hair color you want.
1040
00:53:48,226 --> 00:53:48,991
Home?
1041
00:53:49,493 --> 00:53:50,459
Yeah.
1042
00:53:52,496 --> 00:53:55,598
You think that you could
just come here from outer space
1043
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:56,865
and take me away?
1044
00:53:58,436 --> 00:54:00,302
I'm not going anywhere with you.
1045
00:54:00,304 --> 00:54:01,303
This is my home.
1046
00:54:02,306 --> 00:54:04,340
You can't just have me now.
1047
00:54:04,342 --> 00:54:06,909
I see you got the drama
gene from your father.
1048
00:54:08,679 --> 00:54:09,845
What is it with this family?
1049
00:54:11,349 --> 00:54:12,815
[Dax] Hey, babe.
1050
00:54:19,490 --> 00:54:20,823
-Paul, you have to go.
-But--
1051
00:54:20,825 --> 00:54:22,358
-No, I, but--
-I am married.
1052
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:24,293
You need to find
someone who's available.
1053
00:54:25,563 --> 00:54:28,330
[stutters] You're right.
1054
00:54:28,332 --> 00:54:29,898
[sighs] I, I'm sorry.
1055
00:54:32,570 --> 00:54:36,338
For the love of God,
divorce him and marry me.
1056
00:54:38,809 --> 00:54:39,775
[door slams]
1057
00:54:39,777 --> 00:54:40,976
[locks clack]
1058
00:54:41,512 --> 00:54:42,578
Oh, my God.
1059
00:54:43,314 --> 00:54:44,580
[crickets chirping]
1060
00:54:48,019 --> 00:54:49,652
[clears throat] Excuse me.
1061
00:54:50,554 --> 00:54:54,823
Um, I don't suppose you could
give me a ride, could you?
1062
00:54:55,493 --> 00:54:56,825
My car won't start.
1063
00:54:56,827 --> 00:54:58,694
Yeah, no, I, um,
1064
00:54:58,696 --> 00:55:01,563
I'm about to have some
quality time with my daughter,
1065
00:55:01,565 --> 00:55:04,500
-so maybe
Eve can do that for you.
-Your daughter?
1066
00:55:04,935 --> 00:55:06,335
-Yeah.
-You mean...
1067
00:55:07,672 --> 00:55:08,871
Yeah.
1068
00:55:08,873 --> 00:55:10,706
Mom's the word, father.
1069
00:55:11,609 --> 00:55:12,708
Father would be Catholic.
1070
00:55:12,710 --> 00:55:14,510
I'm, I'm not a priest.
1071
00:55:15,546 --> 00:55:16,578
-Hmm?
-I--
1072
00:55:16,580 --> 00:55:17,980
No, I don't care.
1073
00:55:20,785 --> 00:55:22,484
[footsteps crunch]
1074
00:55:34,398 --> 00:55:35,931
[yawns] Huh,
it's late. [chuckles]
1075
00:55:35,933 --> 00:55:37,466
We should get you home.
1076
00:55:38,569 --> 00:55:40,936
It doesn't
seem late at all to me.
1077
00:55:41,772 --> 00:55:44,606
-Well, it's later than it seems.
-[scoffs]
1078
00:55:47,378 --> 00:55:49,078
Hon, can you
take Mom home for me?
1079
00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:50,913
Uh, I've got dishes to do.
1080
00:55:50,915 --> 00:55:53,015
I've got that
interview with Andromeda.
1081
00:55:53,017 --> 00:55:54,483
-[Iris] Tim!
-Oh!
1082
00:55:54,485 --> 00:55:55,551
I'll take you, Iris.
1083
00:55:58,656 --> 00:56:00,022
You can do the dishes.
1084
00:56:00,024 --> 00:56:01,523
-[Iris scoffs]
-Yeah,
1085
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:03,525
bye, Mom.
1086
00:56:03,527 --> 00:56:04,493
Yeah.
1087
00:56:06,464 --> 00:56:08,397
-This will be nice.
-Yes.
1088
00:56:08,399 --> 00:56:11,934
I've had enough of his ugly
mug to last me a lifetime.
1089
00:56:16,707 --> 00:56:18,006
[crickets chirping]
1090
00:56:19,610 --> 00:56:20,676
Andromeda.
1091
00:56:24,749 --> 00:56:25,781
I hate to impose.
1092
00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:27,883
My car broke down.
1093
00:56:27,885 --> 00:56:29,451
We don't mind...
1094
00:56:29,453 --> 00:56:31,086
-Great.
-..do we, Eve?
1095
00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:35,791
[Paul] All right.
1096
00:56:35,793 --> 00:56:36,759
Okay.
1097
00:56:44,001 --> 00:56:47,102
Do you remember
how tiny Mallory was
1098
00:56:47,104 --> 00:56:49,405
when we took her to Slide Rock?
1099
00:56:49,407 --> 00:56:51,907
Yeah, she called
it "Swide Wock." [laughs]
1100
00:56:52,443 --> 00:56:55,677
I can't believe
how grown-up she is now.
1101
00:56:55,679 --> 00:56:57,446
She'll always be my baby.
1102
00:56:57,915 --> 00:57:00,015
[Iris] But she's
very independent.
1103
00:57:00,017 --> 00:57:01,550
Oh yeah, she wants to be,
1104
00:57:01,552 --> 00:57:03,519
but one of us
goes everywhere with her.
1105
00:57:03,521 --> 00:57:05,754
-It's just not safe out there.
-Surely she'd be safer
1106
00:57:05,756 --> 00:57:07,055
if she had a cell phone.
1107
00:57:07,057 --> 00:57:08,657
[tires screech]
1108
00:57:08,993 --> 00:57:10,159
[wheelchair thuds]
1109
00:57:10,895 --> 00:57:12,194
What's she been saying?
1110
00:57:13,063 --> 00:57:16,098
You can't hang on forever, dear.
1111
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:17,833
Believe me.
1112
00:57:19,170 --> 00:57:22,871
In the end, the only
thing you'll get is resentment.
1113
00:57:22,873 --> 00:57:23,839
[van roars]
1114
00:57:25,476 --> 00:57:26,575
[wheelchair clunks]
1115
00:57:28,078 --> 00:57:29,211
[Eve sighs]
1116
00:57:33,984 --> 00:57:35,117
Andromeda!
1117
00:57:37,655 --> 00:57:38,687
[upbeat music]
1118
00:57:39,924 --> 00:57:42,591
[moans] Hello, you big stud.
1119
00:57:42,593 --> 00:57:44,993
[laughs] Which side of
the bed do you want?
1120
00:57:44,995 --> 00:57:46,695
This side right here,
1121
00:57:46,697 --> 00:57:48,096
or do you want this side
1122
00:57:48,098 --> 00:57:49,665
right here because
you can have any side.
1123
00:57:49,667 --> 00:57:52,134
-Get out!
-Oh, stop it.
1124
00:57:52,136 --> 00:57:54,603
Frigidaire doesn't have
to know anything about this.
1125
00:57:54,605 --> 00:57:56,138
Don't talk
about my wife that way.
1126
00:57:56,140 --> 00:57:59,475
[laughs] Well, she's not
exactly a Hotpoint, is she?
1127
00:57:59,477 --> 00:58:02,211
You know, it may come
as a surprise to you,
but on this planet
1128
00:58:02,213 --> 00:58:04,880
people aren't just appliances
you can use and then discard.
1129
00:58:05,182 --> 00:58:08,550
Wait a second.
Is that a Jean-Luc Picard quote?
1130
00:58:08,552 --> 00:58:12,187
I'm going to update
my Spacebook status. [laughs]
1131
00:58:12,189 --> 00:58:14,590
No, seriously, do you
want some fizzy wine?
1132
00:58:14,592 --> 00:58:15,757
Why aren't you with Mallory?
1133
00:58:15,759 --> 00:58:17,926
You finally had an opportunity.
1134
00:58:17,928 --> 00:58:21,163
Mm, I don't know. I guess I
found someone else
that I'd rather talk to.
1135
00:58:22,132 --> 00:58:23,665
What are you doing?
1136
00:58:24,535 --> 00:58:26,101
-Jeez.
-Where are you going?
1137
00:58:26,103 --> 00:58:28,504
Oh, God, your butt is so cute.
1138
00:58:36,981 --> 00:58:40,048
I remember you told me
once that Mallory is adopted.
1139
00:58:40,584 --> 00:58:42,718
You're an embarrassment
to your profession.
1140
00:58:43,754 --> 00:58:45,187
You did a good thing taking in
1141
00:58:45,189 --> 00:58:46,588
-someone else's child.
-Oh, you preach
1142
00:58:46,590 --> 00:58:47,890
on the sanctity of marriage
1143
00:58:47,892 --> 00:58:49,525
and then you
suggest I divorce Tim?
1144
00:58:50,961 --> 00:58:52,160
That's hypocrisy.
1145
00:58:52,162 --> 00:58:53,862
I'm against hypocrisy,
1146
00:58:54,164 --> 00:58:55,998
but I guess
it's okay once in a while.
1147
00:58:56,767 --> 00:58:58,033
That's a joke.
1148
00:58:58,569 --> 00:59:00,235
Wow, tough crowd.
1149
00:59:01,872 --> 00:59:03,939
Why do you care
who gave birth to Mallory?
1150
00:59:04,675 --> 00:59:05,674
Never mind.
1151
00:59:06,911 --> 00:59:08,277
You think that
means I should dump her
1152
00:59:08,279 --> 00:59:09,745
like you think
I should dump Tim?
1153
00:59:10,548 --> 00:59:12,548
I-- I'm sorry
for what I said. [sighs]
1154
00:59:15,286 --> 00:59:17,853
I think you're wonderful,
1155
00:59:18,789 --> 00:59:20,989
and I'm very envious of Tim.
1156
00:59:21,792 --> 00:59:23,725
Isn't that one of
the seven deadly sins?
1157
00:59:24,161 --> 00:59:26,061
I don't think there
was any specific mention
1158
00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,629
of Tim in those.
1159
00:59:29,099 --> 00:59:31,600
-Alright, alright, time to go.
-I know why.
1160
00:59:31,602 --> 00:59:33,201
-Come on, come on.
-No, but I don't want to go.
1161
00:59:33,203 --> 00:59:34,670
Okay, come on.
1162
00:59:34,672 --> 00:59:37,205
Oh, my God, I love this.
This is so cute.
1163
00:59:37,207 --> 00:59:39,107
-Oh, my gosh.
-Come on, let's go.
1164
00:59:39,109 --> 00:59:42,110
Hey, do you
think I'm going to be
1165
00:59:42,112 --> 00:59:44,813
from being
miserable like that one day?
1166
00:59:45,115 --> 00:59:47,182
Beauty's in the eye
of the beholder. Come on.
1167
00:59:47,184 --> 00:59:51,920
[laughs] That's just ugly-person
propaganda. What are you doing?
1168
00:59:51,922 --> 00:59:54,823
-Shit, that's going to be Eve.
-[laughs and thuds]
1169
00:59:54,825 --> 00:59:57,225
-[laughs] Wait. Oh, my God.
-Come on, come on.
Let's go spend some
1170
00:59:57,227 --> 00:59:59,361
-quality time with Mallory.
-You are so cute. [laughs]
1171
00:59:59,363 --> 01:00:00,662
This is your chance.
1172
01:00:02,700 --> 01:00:03,932
[Andromeda laughs]
1173
01:00:08,872 --> 01:00:10,005
Aw.
1174
01:00:10,674 --> 01:00:14,309
No, no, no, no, no. [laughs]
1175
01:00:24,321 --> 01:00:25,954
[Mallory giggles]
1176
01:00:25,956 --> 01:00:27,155
[soft upbeat music]
1177
01:00:36,734 --> 01:00:38,033
What have you two been doing?
1178
01:00:39,103 --> 01:00:41,169
Dad, I'm wearing a bikini.
1179
01:00:41,171 --> 01:00:42,304
Chill.
1180
01:00:42,306 --> 01:00:44,106
Your mother will have a fit
1181
01:00:44,108 --> 01:00:45,874
if she thinks I let you
into the hot tub with a boy.
1182
01:00:45,876 --> 01:00:50,846
Oh, thanks for your concern,
Dad, but Dax isn't a boy.
1183
01:00:50,848 --> 01:00:55,050
-He's my boyfriend.
-Oh, that makes it
so much more palatable.
1184
01:00:55,653 --> 01:00:57,753
Put your clothes on,
both of you.
1185
01:00:57,755 --> 01:00:59,388
Go home, Dax.
1186
01:01:00,357 --> 01:01:02,958
I, I just want you to know my
intentions towards your daughter
1187
01:01:02,960 --> 01:01:04,226
are strictly horn-erary.
1188
01:01:04,228 --> 01:01:05,193
I mean honorary.
1189
01:01:05,929 --> 01:01:06,928
Honorable?
1190
01:01:06,930 --> 01:01:07,896
That too.
1191
01:01:11,869 --> 01:01:13,168
What were you thinking?
1192
01:01:13,170 --> 01:01:14,703
[spaceship whirs]
1193
01:01:19,043 --> 01:01:21,443
You'd better hope
we get this cover back on
1194
01:01:21,445 --> 01:01:23,178
before your mother gets home.
1195
01:01:23,180 --> 01:01:25,213
What do you think?
Do you like it?
1196
01:01:25,215 --> 01:01:27,983
It'll keep the rain
from puddling like it does
on the tarp.
1197
01:01:28,752 --> 01:01:29,918
[spaceship roars]
1198
01:01:30,821 --> 01:01:32,854
-[Tim gasps]
-[spaceship hums]
1199
01:01:32,856 --> 01:01:35,123
Thank you, Mother Sky.
[chuckles]
1200
01:01:35,125 --> 01:01:36,725
Where's my phone?
1201
01:01:36,727 --> 01:01:37,959
Where's my camera?
1202
01:01:39,730 --> 01:01:41,096
Oh, no, no, honey. It's okay,
1203
01:01:41,098 --> 01:01:42,164
it's okay. We're safe.
1204
01:01:42,166 --> 01:01:43,865
Just leave it to me, okay?
1205
01:01:46,236 --> 01:01:48,403
It's an honor to meet you.
1206
01:01:50,107 --> 01:01:51,940
This'll be a quick trip, right?
1207
01:01:51,942 --> 01:01:54,476
Uh, my wife will
be home any minute now.
1208
01:01:54,478 --> 01:01:56,745
Do I have time
to get my Vaseline?
1209
01:01:58,115 --> 01:02:00,449
Okay, okay, just stay here.
Don't, don't move.
1210
01:02:00,451 --> 01:02:02,017
Don't go anywhere, okay?
1211
01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:03,318
[Mallory] Dad!
1212
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:04,786
[spaceship whirs]
1213
01:02:05,255 --> 01:02:06,922
[spaceship whooshes]
1214
01:02:10,060 --> 01:02:11,293
[spaceship hisses]
1215
01:02:19,136 --> 01:02:20,435
[spaceship hums]
1216
01:02:21,405 --> 01:02:22,337
[spaceship roars]
1217
01:02:22,339 --> 01:02:23,405
No!
1218
01:02:23,407 --> 01:02:25,240
You've got the wrong person!
1219
01:02:27,478 --> 01:02:29,211
Eve is going to
be home any minute now.
1220
01:02:29,213 --> 01:02:31,012
I've got to rescue Mallory now.
1221
01:02:31,014 --> 01:02:32,781
Yeah, good luck with that.
Let me know how it goes.
1222
01:02:32,783 --> 01:02:34,116
You're going to help me.
1223
01:02:34,118 --> 01:02:36,384
[laughs] No way,
it's a waste of time.
1224
01:02:36,386 --> 01:02:38,487
You're never going to
be able to track them down,
1225
01:02:38,989 --> 01:02:40,288
so see, we need to start over.
1226
01:02:41,258 --> 01:02:42,324
Start over?
1227
01:02:42,326 --> 01:02:44,826
Yeah, make another baby.
1228
01:02:44,828 --> 01:02:47,462
You see, I'm only
here for one more day,
1229
01:02:47,464 --> 01:02:49,798
and my cosmic clock is ticking,
1230
01:02:49,800 --> 01:02:52,167
so I really need your tock.
1231
01:02:53,103 --> 01:02:56,905
We have to find another
ship so we can follow them.
1232
01:02:56,907 --> 01:02:58,373
That's not going to happen.
1233
01:02:58,375 --> 01:03:00,876
We have to find a way
to save our daughter.
1234
01:03:00,878 --> 01:03:03,111
[laughs] Oh, okay, now all
of a sudden it's our daughter?
1235
01:03:03,113 --> 01:03:04,112
Relax.
1236
01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:05,480
She's going to be fine.
1237
01:03:09,386 --> 01:03:10,602
[Eve] I'm home.
1238
01:03:10,603 --> 01:03:11,819
Stay in here
and don't come anywhere
1239
01:03:11,822 --> 01:03:12,954
under any circumstances.
1240
01:03:12,956 --> 01:03:13,989
Do you understand me?
1241
01:03:13,991 --> 01:03:16,024
Yes, I understand you,
1242
01:03:16,026 --> 01:03:18,827
but she's the one that suggested
that I conduct interviews.
1243
01:03:20,164 --> 01:03:22,130
She did not suggest
1244
01:03:22,132 --> 01:03:25,534
that you drink an entire
bottle of expensive champagne
1245
01:03:25,536 --> 01:03:27,402
and then try
to seduce her husband.
1246
01:03:27,404 --> 01:03:29,437
Yeah, you're kind
of right about that.
1247
01:03:30,307 --> 01:03:32,808
She's not that
imaginative. [chuckles]
1248
01:03:34,111 --> 01:03:35,110
[screams]
1249
01:03:39,883 --> 01:03:43,819
Oh, thanks for doing
the dishes. [sighs]
1250
01:03:44,955 --> 01:03:46,421
I thought Andromeda
would still be here
1251
01:03:46,423 --> 01:03:48,323
doing her interviews.
1252
01:03:50,394 --> 01:03:52,394
Uh, she, she went home
1253
01:03:52,396 --> 01:03:55,297
to, to get a different
video camera.
1254
01:03:55,833 --> 01:03:56,898
Is Mallory in her room?
1255
01:03:57,568 --> 01:03:58,967
Uh, probably.
1256
01:03:59,903 --> 01:04:01,169
I'll go check on her.
1257
01:04:01,471 --> 01:04:02,537
I'll go with you.
1258
01:04:04,241 --> 01:04:06,875
Have I told you
how much I just love you?
1259
01:04:06,877 --> 01:04:08,443
Oh, Tim. [sighs]
1260
01:04:09,446 --> 01:04:10,579
[knocks on door]
1261
01:04:10,581 --> 01:04:12,314
Mallory, are you okay in there?
1262
01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:17,619
[Tim] Are you okay in there?
1263
01:04:22,292 --> 01:04:23,859
Listen, Mal, I'm sorry
1264
01:04:23,861 --> 01:04:25,594
that I've been
so hard on you lately.
1265
01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:29,431
I'll try to relax a little and
let you live your life, okay?
1266
01:04:36,206 --> 01:04:40,008
No, no, no, no. Why don't we
just, why don't we just let her
have her privacy?
1267
01:04:40,010 --> 01:04:42,277
-We don't want to overstay
our welcome.
-[sighs]
1268
01:04:51,321 --> 01:04:53,889
Uh, uh, uh, James, it's Tim.
1269
01:04:55,025 --> 01:04:57,325
[stutters]
Listen, I need your help.
1270
01:04:57,327 --> 01:04:59,094
My daughter's been abducted.
1271
01:04:59,096 --> 01:05:02,030
Sorry, Tim, but this
is Abductees Anonymous.
1272
01:05:02,966 --> 01:05:05,967
What you need is, is Abduct-Anon
1273
01:05:06,336 --> 01:05:08,970
for families
and friends of abductees.
1274
01:05:12,109 --> 01:05:14,442
Ugh, dammit!
1275
01:05:29,092 --> 01:05:30,058
Andromeda.
1276
01:05:31,962 --> 01:05:33,428
Andromeda, I need your help.
1277
01:05:33,430 --> 01:05:35,163
[wild festive music]
1278
01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:41,670
Come dance with me!
[screams and thuds]
1279
01:05:43,407 --> 01:05:44,539
What are you doing?
1280
01:05:44,541 --> 01:05:46,541
[Andromeda] I'm dancing, man.
1281
01:05:47,110 --> 01:05:49,110
Come dance with me. Come.
1282
01:05:49,112 --> 01:05:50,245
[Eve] Timothy?
1283
01:05:53,283 --> 01:05:55,717
-What's going on? I heard music.
-Nothing, nothing.
1284
01:05:55,719 --> 01:06:00,155
I was just trying to set
an alarm, and, um, I messed up.
1285
01:06:00,157 --> 01:06:01,690
You know how I am. [chuckles]
1286
01:06:01,692 --> 01:06:04,492
So what is today's affirmation?
1287
01:06:04,494 --> 01:06:06,661
Oh, I'll go check.
1288
01:06:06,663 --> 01:06:08,096
Yeah, let's.
1289
01:06:08,098 --> 01:06:10,298
Okay, something--
1290
01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:11,700
Oh, oh, you know what?
1291
01:06:11,702 --> 01:06:13,268
I-- I forgot my cell phone
back upstairs.
1292
01:06:13,270 --> 01:06:14,502
I-- I'll be right back.
1293
01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:17,973
[off-kilter music]
1294
01:06:28,051 --> 01:06:29,551
[Andromeda] Wha!
1295
01:06:29,553 --> 01:06:32,654
Andromeda, well,
thanks for coming back.
1296
01:06:32,656 --> 01:06:35,123
That was, uh, that was,
that was really quick.
1297
01:06:35,125 --> 01:06:39,394
Yes, my, my hotel is
very close to the home,
1298
01:06:39,396 --> 01:06:43,398
so... [snaps fingers]
I got here very fast.
1299
01:06:44,735 --> 01:06:46,468
[Andromeda giggles]
1300
01:06:49,172 --> 01:06:52,340
[sighs] Hey, what's that?
1301
01:06:52,342 --> 01:06:53,675
-[Tim] A map.
-[Andromeda giggles]
1302
01:06:53,677 --> 01:06:55,143
Shows the way back to Earth.
1303
01:06:55,145 --> 01:06:57,412
It looks like it's an invitation
1304
01:06:57,414 --> 01:07:00,281
to a crazy sex orgy. [giggles]
1305
01:07:00,283 --> 01:07:01,483
Is that Vaseline,
1306
01:07:01,485 --> 01:07:05,253
because you're going to need it
for the sex orgy. [giggles]
1307
01:07:05,255 --> 01:07:06,721
God, would you lighten up?
1308
01:07:16,133 --> 01:07:20,035
The-- the acoustics
are so much better in there
1309
01:07:20,337 --> 01:07:23,238
for the interview
that we just filmed.
1310
01:07:23,540 --> 01:07:25,206
Oh, where's your camera?
1311
01:07:25,208 --> 01:07:30,045
I have a spycam in my bra,
1312
01:07:30,047 --> 01:07:32,047
so do you want to see it?
1313
01:07:32,049 --> 01:07:33,581
-Uh, a spycam?
-Yeah.
1314
01:07:33,583 --> 01:07:35,083
-You use spycams?
-Mm-hmm.
1315
01:07:35,719 --> 01:07:37,652
You're the one who's been
spying on our daughter,
1316
01:07:37,654 --> 01:07:39,320
Mallory? Get out!
1317
01:07:39,823 --> 01:07:41,589
I would never spy
on my daughter.
1318
01:07:41,591 --> 01:07:44,392
[stutters] That's,
that's just an expression.
1319
01:07:44,394 --> 01:07:47,162
Obviously, she doesn't
mean her daughter.
1320
01:07:47,164 --> 01:07:48,797
-Sh--
-Get the heck out of my house!
1321
01:07:48,799 --> 01:07:52,300
[laughs] Oh, my God, you can't
say hell. Just try it.
1322
01:07:52,302 --> 01:07:56,104
Just... [laughs] please,
say hell.
1323
01:07:56,406 --> 01:07:58,106
Hell, get the hell out.
1324
01:07:58,108 --> 01:08:01,276
It's like hello, without the O,
1325
01:08:01,278 --> 01:08:03,812
which you should know because
you stopped having sex with
your husband,
1326
01:08:03,814 --> 01:08:05,280
-so. [laughs]
-[Eve gasps]
1327
01:08:05,282 --> 01:08:06,448
[Eve] Tim.
1328
01:08:07,784 --> 01:08:11,686
-I-- I didn't say a word to her.
-You know what?
1329
01:08:11,688 --> 01:08:16,391
We have a very,
very fulfilling love life.
1330
01:08:18,361 --> 01:08:20,295
Ooh, I'm hot. [giggles]
1331
01:08:20,297 --> 01:08:22,197
Not that's it's any of
your gosh-darn business.
1332
01:08:22,199 --> 01:08:23,298
Goddamn!
1333
01:08:23,300 --> 01:08:24,632
It's Goddamn, woman.
1334
01:08:24,634 --> 01:08:26,835
Come on, you can say that.
1335
01:08:26,837 --> 01:08:28,470
Now, he didn't tell me anything.
1336
01:08:28,472 --> 01:08:30,238
It was, uh, Clint,
1337
01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:33,775
and he's been singing
about your frigid-idity all over
1338
01:08:33,777 --> 01:08:35,276
national television.
1339
01:08:35,278 --> 01:08:36,411
What the eff
are you talking about?
1340
01:08:36,413 --> 01:08:37,545
Okay, Andromeda, time to go.
1341
01:08:37,547 --> 01:08:39,214
Well, you should
probably listen.
1342
01:08:39,216 --> 01:08:40,548
¶ My wife
Lost all her sex drive ¶
1343
01:08:40,550 --> 01:08:42,183
Why are you taking her
to the back door?
1344
01:08:42,185 --> 01:08:43,518
¶ And I'm
About to lose my mind ¶
1345
01:08:43,520 --> 01:08:45,220
Because it's,
it's the nearest exit.
1346
01:08:45,222 --> 01:08:46,154
-¶ Duh duh dun dun ¶
-Get her the heck
1347
01:08:46,156 --> 01:08:47,288
out of here.
1348
01:08:47,290 --> 01:08:49,457
The hell, the hell out!
1349
01:08:53,296 --> 01:08:55,230
¶ Lost all her sex drive ¶
1350
01:08:55,232 --> 01:08:56,664
[screams]
1351
01:08:56,666 --> 01:08:58,500
¶ And I'm
About to lose my mind ¶
1352
01:08:59,569 --> 01:09:02,670
I-- I, I think it was the
hot tub that attracted the UFO.
1353
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:05,240
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1354
01:09:05,242 --> 01:09:07,742
The aliens probably
wanted a nice warm soak.
1355
01:09:08,578 --> 01:09:11,679
I, I, I think it had something
to do with the shape of...
1356
01:09:19,589 --> 01:09:21,156
[spaceship whirs]
1357
01:09:25,495 --> 01:09:27,362
-[spaceship bangs]
-[Tim gasps]
1358
01:09:27,364 --> 01:09:28,663
[spaceship hums]
1359
01:09:28,665 --> 01:09:30,398
Do you think that's
the same one?
1360
01:09:32,569 --> 01:09:33,701
No.
1361
01:09:35,939 --> 01:09:38,573
Come on, come on,
let's go, come on.
1362
01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:50,852
[sighs]
Oh, have you seen Mallory?
1363
01:09:50,854 --> 01:09:52,387
No, I came to study with her.
1364
01:09:52,722 --> 01:09:54,756
Mallory and Tim are missing.
1365
01:09:54,758 --> 01:09:56,457
[off-kilter music]
1366
01:09:58,628 --> 01:10:00,295
[spaceship whooshes]
1367
01:10:03,567 --> 01:10:05,466
Where are the captain's chairs?
1368
01:10:07,571 --> 01:10:11,573
And what about navigation
controls and the huge monitors?
1369
01:10:13,877 --> 01:10:15,243
Where's Mallory?
1370
01:10:17,380 --> 01:10:20,415
Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
1371
01:10:20,417 --> 01:10:21,983
When they bring us food,
1372
01:10:21,985 --> 01:10:23,885
we're going to have
to attack them and break out.
1373
01:10:24,421 --> 01:10:26,955
What makes you think
they're going to bring us food?
1374
01:10:29,259 --> 01:10:31,960
They have to take care of
our basic needs, don't they?
1375
01:10:31,962 --> 01:10:33,561
Isn't there some kind of cosmic
1376
01:10:33,563 --> 01:10:35,363
galactic Geneva Convention
or something?
1377
01:10:41,605 --> 01:10:43,471
Maybe this is the holodeck.
1378
01:10:44,241 --> 01:10:45,306
Mm-hmm.
1379
01:10:46,610 --> 01:10:49,877
Computer, take me
to Earth, 21st century.
1380
01:10:49,879 --> 01:10:51,412
[phone beeps]
1381
01:10:51,414 --> 01:10:53,815
[laughs] Wow, look at that.
1382
01:10:53,817 --> 01:10:56,417
Verizon really
expanded their network, huh?
1383
01:10:56,720 --> 01:10:57,986
You going to answer it?
1384
01:11:02,259 --> 01:11:03,591
Eve?
1385
01:11:03,593 --> 01:11:05,560
Oh, my God, Tim.
1386
01:11:05,562 --> 01:11:07,395
Where the hell are you?
1387
01:11:07,397 --> 01:11:10,531
Um, I'm just doing research
1388
01:11:10,533 --> 01:11:12,834
on, on alien lifestyles.
1389
01:11:13,436 --> 01:11:15,270
I'll, I'll be home soon.
1390
01:11:15,272 --> 01:11:16,804
You have Mallory, right?
1391
01:11:19,743 --> 01:11:21,009
Absolutely.
1392
01:11:21,010 --> 01:11:22,276
You abduct our daughter,
you stay out all night,
1393
01:11:22,279 --> 01:11:23,511
and you don't answer your phone.
1394
01:11:23,513 --> 01:11:24,946
Are you trying to kill me?
1395
01:11:24,948 --> 01:11:26,414
I'm sorry.
1396
01:11:26,416 --> 01:11:30,918
I must have been
in a bad reception area.
1397
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:32,820
Oh, and that bitch
that's been spying on us.
1398
01:11:32,822 --> 01:11:35,390
You know, I found four other
cameras planted in this house.
1399
01:11:35,392 --> 01:11:37,425
-Is she with you?
-Andromeda?
1400
01:11:37,427 --> 01:11:41,729
-Oh, hi!
-No, no, she's, she's
not, she's not with me.
1401
01:11:42,432 --> 01:11:44,866
-The party's in two hours.
-Party?
1402
01:11:45,368 --> 01:11:46,901
I was sure you
wouldn't forget this year.
1403
01:11:47,437 --> 01:11:49,070
You said you'd been
seeing signs from God.
1404
01:11:49,639 --> 01:11:50,605
I did?
1405
01:11:51,641 --> 01:11:53,041
That doesn't sound like me.
1406
01:11:53,043 --> 01:11:55,843
Reminders of
our anniversary, 11/11.
1407
01:12:02,018 --> 01:12:02,984
Of course.
1408
01:12:04,454 --> 01:12:05,953
No, no, I didn't forget.
1409
01:12:07,390 --> 01:12:08,990
Happy anniversary, honey.
1410
01:12:10,860 --> 01:12:12,827
I'll be home before the party.
1411
01:12:12,829 --> 01:12:13,828
I promise.
1412
01:12:14,597 --> 01:12:18,700
Happy anniversary. [sighs]
1413
01:12:20,503 --> 01:12:23,838
If I ever make it home,
my wife is going to kill me.
1414
01:12:25,909 --> 01:12:28,876
Well, if she doesn't kill
you, the roaming charges will.
1415
01:12:28,878 --> 01:12:30,912
[giggles] See what I did there?
1416
01:12:31,848 --> 01:12:33,981
But I don't understand.
1417
01:12:35,018 --> 01:12:36,551
We've only
been gone a few minutes,
1418
01:12:36,553 --> 01:12:38,519
but, but she says
I've been out all night.
1419
01:12:38,521 --> 01:12:39,487
Mm-hmm.
1420
01:12:39,489 --> 01:12:42,890
And, and how was I
able to get that call?
1421
01:12:43,460 --> 01:12:46,427
She says I haven't
been answering my phone.
1422
01:12:47,030 --> 01:12:48,029
Yeah, well, I apologize
1423
01:12:48,031 --> 01:12:49,364
for the crappy reception
1424
01:12:49,366 --> 01:12:51,132
in outer space. [giggles]
1425
01:12:51,868 --> 01:12:54,702
Now see, if we're traveling
near the speed of light,
1426
01:12:54,704 --> 01:12:56,938
time is going to move
much slower for us.
1427
01:12:58,108 --> 01:13:00,708
That's the opposite of
what I wanted to happen.
1428
01:13:01,044 --> 01:13:03,911
Yeah, I guess you haven't
caught up on your Einstein,
1429
01:13:03,913 --> 01:13:04,846
have you?
1430
01:13:04,848 --> 01:13:06,114
[spaceship whooshes]
1431
01:13:07,150 --> 01:13:08,683
[upbeat music]
1432
01:13:11,955 --> 01:13:13,621
You have to let us out.
1433
01:13:14,057 --> 01:13:15,857
We're going to die in here.
1434
01:13:19,028 --> 01:13:21,429
And you call this an abduction?
1435
01:13:21,431 --> 01:13:23,564
Even the grays
could do better than this.
1436
01:13:26,870 --> 01:13:28,436
[Mallory] Dad!
1437
01:13:31,674 --> 01:13:32,640
Mallory!
1438
01:13:34,477 --> 01:13:35,910
[Mallory] I'm in here, Dad.
1439
01:13:37,981 --> 01:13:39,547
Stay right where you are.
1440
01:13:39,549 --> 01:13:40,648
I'm coming for you.
1441
01:13:47,023 --> 01:13:47,989
Crap!
1442
01:13:50,727 --> 01:13:51,893
[Mallory] Dad!
1443
01:13:52,462 --> 01:13:54,662
Don't just sit there,
come help me.
1444
01:13:57,100 --> 01:13:58,566
[portal whooshes]
1445
01:13:59,769 --> 01:14:01,636
-Mallory.
-Dad!
1446
01:14:02,839 --> 01:14:04,071
[Tim grunts]
1447
01:14:04,774 --> 01:14:06,007
Dad!
1448
01:14:06,009 --> 01:14:07,542
-[gasps]
-Are you okay?
1449
01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:09,076
I think so. [gasps]
1450
01:14:13,183 --> 01:14:14,549
[hands clap]
1451
01:14:19,923 --> 01:14:22,123
Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
1452
01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:29,730
[control panel tinkles]
1453
01:14:33,636 --> 01:14:37,238
Okay, we need to
come up with a plan, okay?
1454
01:14:37,240 --> 01:14:38,940
-[holodeck whirs]
-[Tim gasps]
1455
01:14:42,111 --> 01:14:44,078
Dad! [gasps]
1456
01:14:44,080 --> 01:14:48,115
Oh, good, a free
colonoscopy. [laughs insanely]
1457
01:14:48,885 --> 01:14:49,951
Oh, I know.
1458
01:14:49,953 --> 01:14:50,918
I have Vaseline.
1459
01:15:05,134 --> 01:15:07,969
Come on, come on, Dad. [gasps]
1460
01:15:18,181 --> 01:15:19,180
[Mallory screams]
1461
01:15:19,883 --> 01:15:21,282
[boots sizzle]
1462
01:15:26,022 --> 01:15:27,622
Thanks, Dad. [sobs]
1463
01:15:33,263 --> 01:15:36,297
Okay, okay now,
now what do we do?
1464
01:15:36,299 --> 01:15:37,832
Do you still
have your cell phone?
1465
01:15:37,834 --> 01:15:41,536
Yeah, yeah, here, okay, okay.
1466
01:15:42,872 --> 01:15:43,871
[phone camera clicks]
1467
01:15:45,241 --> 01:15:46,908
All right, okay.
1468
01:15:48,978 --> 01:15:50,778
[gasps] Oh, oh,
we need to get out of here.
1469
01:15:51,214 --> 01:15:53,281
-Straight through
that door, now!
-Okay.
1470
01:15:53,283 --> 01:15:54,682
[control panel buzzes]
1471
01:15:54,684 --> 01:15:55,917
[doors thud]
1472
01:15:58,087 --> 01:15:59,554
The one on the right.
1473
01:15:59,556 --> 01:16:00,688
[control panel buzzes]
1474
01:16:00,690 --> 01:16:01,956
[doors thud]
1475
01:16:01,958 --> 01:16:03,991
[gasps] They understand English.
1476
01:16:05,161 --> 01:16:08,996
Or maybe, maybe they
can read our thoughts.
1477
01:16:13,036 --> 01:16:15,603
Nope, I just thought of the one
behind me, and nothing happened.
1478
01:16:15,605 --> 01:16:16,904
-[doors whir]
-[doors thud]
1479
01:16:21,344 --> 01:16:23,044
Probs not abbrevs.
1480
01:16:23,680 --> 01:16:24,845
[controls tinkle]
1481
01:16:25,815 --> 01:16:28,049
[gasps] Probs not abbrevs.
1482
01:16:29,752 --> 01:16:30,985
Are you saying?
1483
01:16:30,987 --> 01:16:33,988
-Def, def, okay.
-[gasps]
1484
01:16:33,990 --> 01:16:35,856
I'm JFM.
1485
01:16:36,826 --> 01:16:39,093
What the, what is JFM?
1486
01:16:39,095 --> 01:16:40,795
What does that mean? I, I, I--
1487
01:16:40,797 --> 01:16:42,797
If I tell you, it defeats
the purpose, doesn't it?
1488
01:16:42,799 --> 01:16:46,167
Yeah, but I've never
heard that one before,
1489
01:16:46,169 --> 01:16:48,302
so how am I supposed
to know what you're saying
1490
01:16:48,304 --> 01:16:50,371
if I don't
know what you're saying?
1491
01:16:50,373 --> 01:16:51,906
I just made it up.
1492
01:16:51,908 --> 01:16:53,307
I don't know any abbreviations
1493
01:16:53,309 --> 01:16:55,943
for escaping from
alien torture chambers.
1494
01:16:56,913 --> 01:16:59,747
JFM, just follow me.
1495
01:17:02,218 --> 01:17:04,719
SMH.
1496
01:17:05,388 --> 01:17:06,621
What does that mean?
1497
01:17:06,923 --> 01:17:08,189
Try to work it out.
1498
01:17:09,058 --> 01:17:11,158
-Smell my hair?
-No!
1499
01:17:11,794 --> 01:17:12,860
No, um--
1500
01:17:12,862 --> 01:17:14,261
-No.
-Shake my hips.
1501
01:17:14,263 --> 01:17:16,097
-How's that going to help?
-[Mallory groans]
1502
01:17:16,099 --> 01:17:18,232
We are so dead.
1503
01:17:19,202 --> 01:17:20,635
[solemn music]
1504
01:17:28,878 --> 01:17:30,645
I'm so sorry about Tim.
1505
01:17:30,647 --> 01:17:33,314
I knew he was a nutcase,
but we all loved him so much.
1506
01:17:37,186 --> 01:17:38,653
[Mallory gasps]
1507
01:17:39,756 --> 01:17:41,055
[Tim] The one on the left.
1508
01:17:42,025 --> 01:17:43,724
[control panel tinkle]
1509
01:17:43,726 --> 01:17:45,159
[Tim groans]
1510
01:17:45,161 --> 01:17:49,130
[laughs] Well, um, guess
we don't have to worry
1511
01:17:49,132 --> 01:17:52,333
about having
too much choice anymore.
1512
01:17:52,335 --> 01:17:53,734
[control panel tinkles]
1513
01:17:55,138 --> 01:17:57,672
-[Tim groans]
-[Mallory gasps]
1514
01:17:57,674 --> 01:17:59,874
Timothy, he did not,
1515
01:17:59,876 --> 01:18:02,410
the urgings
of his wife and pastor,
1516
01:18:03,312 --> 01:18:07,415
he danced with the devil, and
the devil slipped him a roofie
1517
01:18:07,984 --> 01:18:09,417
because that's what he does.
1518
01:18:09,419 --> 01:18:10,818
[Mallory] Well, now what?
1519
01:18:11,387 --> 01:18:12,920
Give me your phone again.
1520
01:18:15,825 --> 01:18:16,791
Okay.
1521
01:18:22,398 --> 01:18:25,399
[Paul] And forsaken easy fodder
1522
01:18:25,401 --> 01:18:28,302
for demons to feast upon.
1523
01:18:28,304 --> 01:18:29,737
-[Eve] Yes?
-It's me.
1524
01:18:29,739 --> 01:18:30,838
Tim?
1525
01:18:32,709 --> 01:18:35,176
Oh, oh, my God,
1526
01:18:35,178 --> 01:18:38,913
oh, my God, Tim, we are at
your memorials, you and Mallory.
1527
01:18:40,149 --> 01:18:41,415
What are you talking about?
1528
01:18:42,185 --> 01:18:43,851
We, we waited nine months,
1529
01:18:43,853 --> 01:18:46,120
but we finally had to
admit that you were dead.
1530
01:18:47,323 --> 01:18:48,789
Is Mallory okay?
1531
01:18:49,492 --> 01:18:53,427
Yeah, she's fine.
Um, listen, we need your help.
1532
01:18:53,429 --> 01:18:55,930
Computer, cut
communications booster.
1533
01:18:55,932 --> 01:18:57,431
-The hot--
-Hot.
1534
01:18:58,501 --> 01:18:59,767
Tim?
1535
01:19:00,903 --> 01:19:01,969
[Tim groans]
1536
01:19:02,405 --> 01:19:03,738
The hot what?
1537
01:19:03,740 --> 01:19:04,972
Hot, hot what?
1538
01:19:05,508 --> 01:19:06,907
Iris?
1539
01:19:11,948 --> 01:19:16,217
Oh, Tim, oh, hot.
1540
01:19:16,519 --> 01:19:17,518
Hot what?
1541
01:19:17,520 --> 01:19:20,855
Oh, hot what?
1542
01:19:20,857 --> 01:19:21,822
Oh, God.
1543
01:19:23,292 --> 01:19:26,160
Hot tub, hot tub.
1544
01:19:26,529 --> 01:19:27,795
Okay, hot tub.
1545
01:19:28,998 --> 01:19:31,532
What about the hot tub? [gasps]
1546
01:19:33,102 --> 01:19:35,302
Come on, hot tub.
1547
01:19:36,405 --> 01:19:37,371
Tim!
1548
01:19:39,008 --> 01:19:40,441
[spaceship whooshes]
1549
01:19:42,311 --> 01:19:43,477
[spaceship tinkles]
1550
01:19:47,049 --> 01:19:48,449
[alarm blares]
1551
01:19:55,391 --> 01:19:58,192
Computer, disable
automatic distress response.
1552
01:19:58,194 --> 01:20:00,427
[computer] I'm sorry,
Andromeda, I can't do that.
1553
01:20:00,429 --> 01:20:03,831
What?
The authorization code is 5756.
1554
01:20:03,833 --> 01:20:07,134
It is a hot tub, not a
flying saucer, you idiot.
1555
01:20:07,136 --> 01:20:08,969
Do not respond.
1556
01:20:09,472 --> 01:20:10,905
[computer] Responding.
1557
01:20:10,907 --> 01:20:12,173
[spaceship whirs]
1558
01:20:12,175 --> 01:20:13,374
[water splashes]
1559
01:20:14,811 --> 01:20:15,876
What?
1560
01:20:16,846 --> 01:20:19,046
Tim! [gasps]
1561
01:20:19,549 --> 01:20:21,949
[computer] I'm sorry, Andromeda.
You're not authorized
1562
01:20:21,951 --> 01:20:24,952
to cancel a distressed
spacecraft emergency response.
1563
01:20:24,954 --> 01:20:26,887
-[groans]
-[speaks in alien language]
1564
01:20:29,592 --> 01:20:31,058
[dog barks]
1565
01:20:38,267 --> 01:20:39,466
[spaceship hums]
1566
01:20:42,538 --> 01:20:44,471
God, please help me. [gasps]
1567
01:20:44,473 --> 01:20:47,875
Have you got my family
in there, you bastards?
1568
01:20:48,411 --> 01:20:52,279
Oh, no, no. [grunts]
1569
01:20:52,281 --> 01:20:53,514
[spaceship whirs]
1570
01:21:01,257 --> 01:21:03,924
[computer]
Emergency, liftoff failure.
1571
01:21:03,926 --> 01:21:05,092
Unable to pressurize.
1572
01:21:05,094 --> 01:21:06,360
[spaceship whooshes]
1573
01:21:09,232 --> 01:21:10,531
Entry tube jammed.
1574
01:21:10,533 --> 01:21:11,632
Unable to ascend.
1575
01:21:11,634 --> 01:21:13,000
[Andromeda groans]
1576
01:21:21,143 --> 01:21:22,176
Dad!
1577
01:21:23,512 --> 01:21:25,012
[Mallory grunts]
1578
01:21:32,355 --> 01:21:33,888
-[Tim] Go!
-[gasps]
1579
01:21:35,491 --> 01:21:38,959
[computer] Security alert,
medical bay doors open.
1580
01:21:39,528 --> 01:21:42,096
[gasps]
I'm going to go get help.
1581
01:21:45,134 --> 01:21:46,901
[Tim] Save yourself. Go find
1582
01:21:46,903 --> 01:21:48,903
Andromeda. She'll help you.
1583
01:21:56,946 --> 01:21:58,045
What?
1584
01:21:58,547 --> 01:22:00,614
-[zipper zips]
-[Tim breaths heavily]
1585
01:22:17,166 --> 01:22:19,199
-[door whooshes]
-Hey, I like your style.
1586
01:22:19,201 --> 01:22:20,301
You?
1587
01:22:20,303 --> 01:22:21,535
[giggles] Yeah, it's me.
1588
01:22:21,537 --> 01:22:23,237
It's been me all along.
1589
01:22:23,239 --> 01:22:24,571
You abducted my daughter?
1590
01:22:24,573 --> 01:22:27,174
Well, technically
she's our daughter,
1591
01:22:27,176 --> 01:22:28,375
so how about this?
1592
01:22:28,377 --> 01:22:29,643
Why don't you come with me,
1593
01:22:29,645 --> 01:22:31,245
and we can all go
as a happy family?
1594
01:22:31,247 --> 01:22:34,315
-Go to hell.
-Oh, stop it, you big baby.
1595
01:22:34,317 --> 01:22:36,650
I'm offering you
lots of cosmic sex.
1596
01:22:36,652 --> 01:22:39,286
Okay, you know what? It's not
working on your anymore, is it?
1597
01:22:39,288 --> 01:22:40,554
All right, fine.
1598
01:22:40,556 --> 01:22:44,391
Listen, truth, um,
my race is dying,
1599
01:22:44,393 --> 01:22:46,193
and I need an infusion of DNA
1600
01:22:46,195 --> 01:22:49,730
from a primitive humanoid
species to strengthen our DNA,
1601
01:22:51,968 --> 01:22:53,050
got it?
1602
01:22:53,051 --> 01:22:54,133
You were
going to extract her DNA?
1603
01:22:54,136 --> 01:22:57,471
Well, no, no,
see the original plan was
1604
01:22:57,473 --> 01:23:00,407
you were supposed
to come to Vega with me,
and we were going to mate
1605
01:23:00,409 --> 01:23:02,710
and produce hybridized offspring
with your pure DNA,
1606
01:23:02,712 --> 01:23:04,445
and everybody
was going to be happy,
1607
01:23:04,447 --> 01:23:06,146
and I was going to be a
hero, boop, boop, boop,
1608
01:23:06,148 --> 01:23:07,381
but that didn't happen,
1609
01:23:07,383 --> 01:23:09,149
and yet the elders
still granted me
1610
01:23:09,151 --> 01:23:10,417
a second visit down here
1611
01:23:10,419 --> 01:23:11,752
to see if I could get you
or Mallory
1612
01:23:14,256 --> 01:23:15,623
to come home with me...
1613
01:23:15,624 --> 01:23:16,991
[sighs] but you
weren't leaving your wife.
1614
01:23:17,727 --> 01:23:19,393
I asked Mallory if she would be
1615
01:23:19,395 --> 01:23:21,495
willing to come back and live
with me, and--
1616
01:23:21,497 --> 01:23:23,497
So you just kidnapped her?
1617
01:23:23,499 --> 01:23:27,601
No, I, I tried, but the elders
have this hard fast rule
1618
01:23:27,603 --> 01:23:29,570
of no forced abductions...
[laughs]
1619
01:23:29,572 --> 01:23:31,672
...you know, so that's why we
couldn't leave the solar system
1620
01:23:31,674 --> 01:23:33,374
when Mallory was held captive.
1621
01:23:34,343 --> 01:23:36,176
If I fail at this mission,
1622
01:23:36,645 --> 01:23:38,746
there's not going to be
any of us left,
1623
01:23:39,415 --> 01:23:41,548
and I'm failing miserably.
1624
01:23:41,550 --> 01:23:43,150
It's not too late.
1625
01:23:44,453 --> 01:23:47,588
There, there are thousands
of men on Earth that would,
1626
01:23:47,590 --> 01:23:50,324
would do anything
for a woman like you,
1627
01:23:50,326 --> 01:23:53,160
but it can't be me.
1628
01:23:53,529 --> 01:23:55,262
I'm in love with Eve.
1629
01:23:58,667 --> 01:23:59,633
Wait.
1630
01:24:01,570 --> 01:24:02,703
Look, I, um,
1631
01:24:05,241 --> 01:24:06,807
I need to tell you something.
I don't know
1632
01:24:06,809 --> 01:24:09,510
if this is going to help
clear your conscience, but...
1633
01:24:12,681 --> 01:24:16,150
you weren't just drunk
when you had sex with me.
1634
01:24:17,219 --> 01:24:18,452
I drugged you.
1635
01:24:18,454 --> 01:24:21,722
You wouldn't even have sex
with me when you were wasted,
1636
01:24:21,724 --> 01:24:22,689
and, um,
1637
01:24:22,691 --> 01:24:28,529
I guess I just want to
say I'm, I'm really sorry.
1638
01:24:37,640 --> 01:24:38,806
[birds chirping]
1639
01:24:44,180 --> 01:24:45,179
[Mallory sighs]
1640
01:24:51,187 --> 01:24:52,419
[dramatic music]
1641
01:24:53,122 --> 01:24:54,254
[Eve sobs]
1642
01:25:00,129 --> 01:25:02,229
Oh, oh, for heaven's sake.
1643
01:25:02,231 --> 01:25:04,364
You got to take a shower
and get some clothes on.
1644
01:25:04,366 --> 01:25:06,100
There's some things
I need to tell you.
1645
01:25:06,102 --> 01:25:07,501
No, it's okay.
1646
01:25:08,170 --> 01:25:09,236
You know?
1647
01:25:09,238 --> 01:25:12,172
I saw it in your
face the night it happened.
1648
01:25:12,174 --> 01:25:13,507
I didn't
realize it was Andromeda,
1649
01:25:13,509 --> 01:25:16,510
but I knew
you'd slept with somebody.
1650
01:25:16,512 --> 01:25:18,745
All this time and
you never said a word?
1651
01:25:19,748 --> 01:25:21,348
I didn't know what to say.
1652
01:25:21,350 --> 01:25:23,584
I just bottled it up inside.
1653
01:25:23,586 --> 01:25:26,420
I withdrew from you,
and I went a little bit crazy.
1654
01:25:26,422 --> 01:25:27,654
I'm sorry.
1655
01:25:28,757 --> 01:25:30,390
-Oh.
-I'm so sorry.
1656
01:25:30,392 --> 01:25:32,126
If you hadn't have slept
with Andromeda,
1657
01:25:32,128 --> 01:25:33,227
we wouldn't have Mallory,
1658
01:25:33,229 --> 01:25:34,394
and I would not give up
1659
01:25:34,396 --> 01:25:35,863
our family for the world.
1660
01:25:35,865 --> 01:25:37,164
[Tim sobs]
1661
01:25:41,637 --> 01:25:42,836
[sobs] Oh, Tim.
1662
01:25:47,610 --> 01:25:48,842
[guests chattering]
1663
01:25:49,712 --> 01:25:52,146
I had to buy
another bottle of champagne.
1664
01:25:52,148 --> 01:25:55,149
I still can't figure out what
happened to the one we bought
last year.
1665
01:25:59,455 --> 01:26:01,255
Andromeda drank it.
1666
01:26:06,595 --> 01:26:07,794
Thank you for being honest.
1667
01:26:09,732 --> 01:26:11,565
Hey, I've got an idea.
1668
01:26:11,867 --> 01:26:15,202
Can you believe it's
been 17 years of marriage?
1669
01:26:15,204 --> 01:26:17,204
It's been 16 for me.
1670
01:26:17,206 --> 01:26:18,572
Damn Einstein!
1671
01:26:19,275 --> 01:26:20,607
[off-kilter music]
1672
01:26:22,511 --> 01:26:23,644
[door slams]
1673
01:26:23,646 --> 01:26:26,613
We have a year's worth of
sex to make up in one night,
1674
01:26:27,349 --> 01:26:29,550
but first
let's only once, since,
1675
01:26:30,319 --> 01:26:31,919
well, I think
that's going to change
1676
01:26:31,921 --> 01:26:34,221
because your sins
have been forgiven. [chuckles]
1677
01:26:34,857 --> 01:26:36,523
[both breath heavily]
1678
01:26:39,895 --> 01:26:41,595
[Mallory giggles]
1679
01:26:46,302 --> 01:26:47,267
Hey!
1680
01:26:47,269 --> 01:26:50,804
You watch where that
tongue is going, young man.
1681
01:26:53,509 --> 01:26:54,608
JK.
1682
01:26:54,610 --> 01:26:56,210
[chuckles] Not really.
1683
01:26:56,212 --> 01:26:57,978
Shut up, Mom.
1684
01:26:57,980 --> 01:27:00,247
I am ROFLMAO. [laughs]
1685
01:27:00,249 --> 01:27:01,848
Do you even
know what that means?
1686
01:27:01,850 --> 01:27:02,916
Oh, honey.
1687
01:27:05,387 --> 01:27:07,554
Semicolon,
hyphen, closed parentheses.
1688
01:27:07,856 --> 01:27:10,290
Mom, you can't say that.
1689
01:27:10,292 --> 01:27:11,925
The winky face only
works when you type it.
1690
01:27:14,530 --> 01:27:16,430
Ooh, I hear our
special guest outside.
1691
01:27:16,432 --> 01:27:17,731
Let's go dancing!
1692
01:27:17,733 --> 01:27:19,733
[upbeat music]
1693
01:27:19,735 --> 01:27:21,602
TGYL. [giggles]
1694
01:27:25,808 --> 01:27:29,610
¶ Sittin' in the sunshine ¶
1695
01:27:30,779 --> 01:27:34,481
¶ Starin' at the blue sky ¶
1696
01:27:35,751 --> 01:27:39,886
¶ I ain't got no problems ¶
1697
01:27:40,656 --> 01:27:44,291
¶ I guess I
Must have forgot 'em ¶
1698
01:27:44,994 --> 01:27:49,763
¶ I got all I'll ever need ¶
1699
01:27:50,499 --> 01:27:55,002
¶ With you keepin' me company ¶
1700
01:27:55,571 --> 01:27:59,406
¶ Here in our very own ¶
1701
01:27:59,408 --> 01:28:01,575
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1702
01:28:03,946 --> 01:28:06,813
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1703
01:28:10,452 --> 01:28:13,920
¶ See the smile on my face ¶
1704
01:28:14,957 --> 01:28:17,724
¶ No longer running
In that race ¶
1705
01:28:17,726 --> 01:28:20,594
-I'm James, and I'm an abductee.
-[all] Hi, James.
1706
01:28:20,596 --> 01:28:23,497
[Laura] I'm Laura,
and I'm an abductee.
1707
01:28:23,499 --> 01:28:24,798
[all] Hi, Laura.
1708
01:28:25,734 --> 01:28:29,002
Hi, I'm Tim,
and I am an abductee.
1709
01:28:29,004 --> 01:28:30,470
[abductees clap]
1710
01:28:32,574 --> 01:28:33,540
Whoo!
1711
01:28:36,645 --> 01:28:37,611
Yeah!
1712
01:28:40,015 --> 01:28:43,016
¶ Though we
Don't live on Easy Street ¶
1713
01:28:44,953 --> 01:28:49,456
¶ But life
Has never been so sweet ¶
1714
01:28:49,458 --> 01:28:53,627
¶ I've got all I'll ever need ¶
1715
01:28:54,663 --> 01:28:58,799
¶ With you keepin' me company ¶
1716
01:28:59,835 --> 01:29:03,637
¶ Here in our very own ¶
1717
01:29:03,639 --> 01:29:05,772
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1718
01:29:08,544 --> 01:29:10,944
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1719
01:29:10,946 --> 01:29:13,113
[Paul] God, I feel like a,
I feel like a kid again.
1720
01:29:13,115 --> 01:29:15,449
Yeah! [laughs]
1721
01:29:16,919 --> 01:29:18,485
It's the second coming.
1722
01:29:20,522 --> 01:29:24,858
It's beautiful, and you're
beautiful, and I'm beautiful.
1723
01:29:24,860 --> 01:29:28,395
[Andromeda] Come on, Father,
or should I call you Daddy?
1724
01:29:28,397 --> 01:29:29,596
[Andromeda purrs]
1725
01:29:29,598 --> 01:29:30,864
[spaceship whooshes]
1726
01:29:35,904 --> 01:29:39,840
¶ Miracles are all around me ¶
1727
01:29:40,743 --> 01:29:44,911
¶ I don't have to look too far ¶
1728
01:29:45,681 --> 01:29:49,750
¶ Sometimes
What we're searching for ¶
1729
01:29:50,419 --> 01:29:55,522
¶ You find it
In your own backyard ¶
1730
01:29:58,060 --> 01:30:00,627
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1731
01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:07,968
¶ Everything is all right ¶
1732
01:30:09,138 --> 01:30:12,539
¶ Peaceful in the twilight ¶
1733
01:30:14,076 --> 01:30:18,078
¶ With an angel by my side ¶
1734
01:30:19,014 --> 01:30:23,450
¶ Never been more satisfied ¶
1735
01:30:23,452 --> 01:30:27,788
¶ I got all I'll ever need ¶
1736
01:30:28,690 --> 01:30:33,627
¶ With you keepin' me company ¶
1737
01:30:33,962 --> 01:30:37,697
¶ Here in our very own ¶
1738
01:30:37,699 --> 01:30:39,833
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1739
01:30:42,538 --> 01:30:44,070
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1740
01:30:48,710 --> 01:30:52,012
¶ Everything is all right ¶
1741
01:30:57,453 --> 01:30:59,519
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1742
01:31:02,224 --> 01:31:04,591
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1743
01:31:23,479 --> 01:31:26,546
[off-kilter music]