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Apart of me still believes Eddie and I could have been...
one of the more popular recording acts of the mid-to-late '90s.
But it's clear to me now that things happened the way they did for a reason.
Sometimes when a man is lost,
his situation needs to get worse before it can get better.
My name is Samuel, and this was my situation.
Time? 9:42.
Spin left five degrees. Spinning. Spinning.
And back a revolution.
Backing, backing.
It's so good to be us.
'Cause we da men.
What? We're the men.
We're good men for this job.
It's us, baby. It's all about us.
We gonna get it on! Yeah! We're gonna turn this mother out!
Time? 9:47. Would you focus, please?
I'm focusing. Well, I'm focused.
Back off, Mitchell.
You hungry? I'm starving.
Me too. I'm Hamlisch. What does that mean?
I'm starvin' like Marvin.
Hamlisch, the composer. He wrote "They're Playing Our Song."
Why don't you make the call? All right.
I'm gonna make the call.
Casa de Taco. Thirty minutes or it's free.
Okay. Philip will be ringing your doorbell at exactly 10:17.
Let's do this on my count.
In five, four,
three, to the two, one, and synchronize.
All right. We're locked and loaded over here. We'll see ya in 30.
10:13, Frank. Spinning, spinning.
And let it rain.
You sick bitch!
Your head's up in goddamn Skylab. Now we're in a situation.
This is not a situation. It's 10:14, Frank.
Get your eyes on the prize. It isn't a situation.
F.Y.I. it is a situation.
What are you doing?
I'm going freestyle.
All right!
10:16:33.
Come on, honey. Tell me something good.
16:38, Francis.
We're home.
Let's go get some tacos.
Sorry about that, kid.
You know what, Samuel? That is what we've been doin'.
We've been kidding ourselves.
Th-Th-That's not true, Eddie.
Nobody cares. Do you understand that?
I'm singing my fucking heart out,
and the audience is literally giving me nothing. Eddie.
Eddie, it is a Polish tradition to show appreciation through silence.
We're dealing with a cultural difference.
Did you think this was a positive career move?
Is that what's going through your head?
At the time, it seemed like a good chance...
for some exposure in the international community.
What, the matching slacks and sweaters?
They just kind of add to our whole mystique, right?
Yeah, they do, Eddie. Yeah.
The people like to see the outfits.
It shows that some thought went into the act. Some preparation.
There's a look that people get when they're seeing something...
they've never seen before.
We rocked these fucking Polish tonight.
We frea-We freaked these people out.
This lodge knew that they were seeing the Simon and Garfunkel for the millennium.
They had the look.
But you know what, Sam?
Arthur Garfunkel knew the words to his songs.
Okay, Sam? Garfunkel knew the words.
I'm going through a minor lyric situation right now.
It doesn't go any deeper than that.
Yes, it does, Sam. We are a two-person group,
- and one of us doesn't know the lyrics. - I know the words.
- I know the words, Eddie. - Show me.
- What? - Dire Straits' "Walk of Life."
Prove me wrong.
"Walk of Life." You want me to sing "Walk of Life."
Those aren't the words. No, they're not the words, Eddie.
They're not even close to them. No, they're different words.
You know, five years is such a long time to go without some kind of reward.
It's a long fucking time.
Thank you. He's not talking to you.
Tough safe. I wanna carry the bag.
You cannot carry the bag. But you said it was heavy and I asked you to carry it.
Let me tell you something. You watch me, What?
one day you're gonna be ready to carry the bag, okay?
All right.
What are you doin'?
Uh, breakin' tradition. You can't break tradition.
Look, man. I'm not in the mood for a sloe gin fizz.
If you want one, go and get it yourself.
I'm going to look like a fucking asshole if I go into this bar alone...
and order myself a sloe gin fizz.
I know it's breaking tradition, but I don't feel like I can go through with it tonight.
She's not gonna take you back, all right. Move on.
- But Hannah's the only one that I care about. - There are a ton of ladies...
in this town dying to get into your trap.
I know, man.
Now, raise it up!
Give me somethin' sky high.
- Okay. - I'm not thirsty.
Damn it!
They come in here just about every night,
order a couple of sloe gin fizzes.
Always carryin' a duffle-type of bag, huh?
That's right.
You don't remember any more what they look like?
In my condition, friend,
some days, I can hardly remember my first name.
I hear that one, old school.
All right. I appreciate the help.
Get yourself something imported.
Put that dime towards a decent haircut, thick man.
Take your money.
All right. Fine, pal.
Sam, I could eat 20 to 25 cocktail shrimp in a single sitting,
and people are giving me a quarter to a fifth of my total shrimp capacity.
It is an insult.
See, that's interesting, because I've always viewed the appetizer...
as just sort of a teaser to the main course.
No, I think it's different when you're talkin' about shrimp.
Shrimp aren't filling. They're a snack food.
Hey, you guys talkin' about shrimp?
Is that something that you have a problem with?
No. No. No. I just overheard your argument. I thought it was a good one.
See, check this out. I go to a party, right, with a raw bar.
Now, I'm eatin' 30 shrimp, maybe more,
dependin' how I'm feelin' that particular day.
You know, I'm dousing those fuckers with the cocktail sauce too.
Now, I go to a restaurant, some monkey suit's bringing me five shrimp.
He's charging me eight bucks for the pleasure.
I mean, I need that like I need a fuckin' broom shoved up my ass.
You know?
Okay. You convinced me, I'm not ordering shrimp cocktail anymore.
I could go get myself a hand job for eight bucks.
Hey, how ya doin'? Veal Chop.
- Uh-uh. - No, it's- it's like a nickname.
Oh, cool. I-I'm Samuel.
Samuel.
- Eddie. - Eduardo.
Hey, it's good to meet you gentlemen. I'm very sorry to interrupt.
It's just, you know, it's like...
all the little things in life that really get to me.
And for every shrimp cocktail rip off, there are 150 swindles...
just like it.
The system is trying to fuck you any chance you get.
- So, you know what I do? - What?
I fuck right back.
Ooh. Hey, what line of work are you guys in?
Ooh. We're actually in business for ourselves. We have a-
I don't think we really have to get into that right now.
Oh. Hey, enough said. All right.
Hey, let me get you guys a couple of refreshers.
What are you workin' on there, huh? Sloe gin fizzes?
Sure, if you- Yeah, we'll have a couple of sloe gin fizzes.
I'll be right back. Okay, two sloe gin fizzes comin' up.
Ah, but that's what I'm sayin'.
Carpe diem. Take the bull by the horns and twist.
- You're right. - You think I'm gonna wait for my ship to come in?
Bullshit! I'm gonna sail out to sea the first chance I get.
Really? You don't seem like the seafaring type to me.
- Meaning what? - Meaning when opportunity presents itself,
well, I'll bet you pussy out just like the rest of us.
"Veal Chop."
Strong words, teddy bear.
But, let me try to talk to that there.
- You mind hearing a little story? - No, not at all.
Good. 'Cause I think you're gonna like this story.
- What about me? - Everyone is gonna love this story. This is a good story.
See, a couple of months ago a buddy of mine,
a male nurse, he starts to work for this old, eccentric type of guy.
Now, one day, my guy is doing some light dusting around the basement,
and he finds that this old coot has a safe.
Now, my buddy, he knows that I am up for anything.
So he says to me, "Hey, Chop, why don't you break into Pappy's?" All right?
They call him Pappy. "Why don't you break into Pappy's house...
and see what he's got in that little safe of his?"
So I break in the house, right? About 6:00 in the P.M.,
'cause Pappy goes to bed at, like, I don't know, 4:00 in the afternoon.
I crack that safe, which is as easy as opening a can of Fresca,
and gentlemen, it is raining cash in there.
Man, I'm talkin'- I-I could make, like,
a six-foot hoagie sandwich outta all the dough that is sittin' in that safe.
I mean, this guy- this guy, he's like one of these guys- He saved up, like,
90 years worth of paychecks and they�re just sittin' in that little unit,
waitin' to be taken.
Now, ya see, the only problem is...
all I brought for transportation is...
like, a little backpack-type of thing.
But, now, if I'd had that kind of valise-
Oh, gentlemen, I would be a whole heck of a lot richer than I am right now.
By the time I get home, I flip on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,
and I'm holdin' $36,000 dollars and Methuselah doesn't even know he's missin' the dough.
Jesus Christ.
You cracked this guy's safe and you made $36,000 dollars?
You have to remember, right, I'm gonna split it up with my buddy, right?
So, after tax time, yeah.
I'm lookin' at $21,600 in hot, hard cootchie-coo.
So, why don't you go back for more?
Eduardo, here's the twist. And you're not going to believe this. Are you ready, Eddie?
All of the sudden my buddy has to go out of town for a family-type situation.
Asks me if I'll look after Pappy while he's gone, you know,
it's just a temporary kind of thing.
You know, I figure, look, I've done my share of male nursing in the past,
and it's the least I can do for the old guy, you know.
Considering I just stole 40 grand of his hard-earned female deer.
And I'm gonna take more...
the next chance I get!
- So, you're in? - Oh, I'm in. But I'm out.
Apparently, gentlemen, there's a phenomenon that develops in male nurses-
it's called Lawrence Nightingale Syndrome.
- I've heard of that. - You haven't heard of that.
Yeah, well see, what happens is you become attached to your patients...
on an emotional level.
And that is what starts happening when you meet Pappy.
Let me show you something here.
Oh, yeah. Pappy.
It's Pappy. He's a real sweet, old man.
You know, his wife died a couple of years ago,
you know, so he's real lonely and whatnot.
Well, a lot of times,
he'll just be lying there in a-a-
in a puddle of his own make.
I just kind of cradled him and stuff, ya know.
- You couldn't steal from Pappy? - No, I could not, Sambo.
No, I could not.
Thanks.
Oh, Pappy!
So, I mean, that's where I'm at right now.
My buddy's still out of town for another three weeks, right?
And I'm livin' in this old guy's house,
I'm sniffin' up the fumes of a fucking fortune...
my Goddamn conscience won't let me touch.
God bless Pappy.
Who knows how long that old fucker's gonna hang on.
And there's $311,000 dollars just sittin' in that safe,
waiting for a man named...
Da Chop.
Who'd care for another spirit?
He's setting us up. He's not setting us up.
He's got Lawrence Nightingale Syndrome.
The guy gets 50 percent for giving us an address.
Hey, we don't know Veal Chop.
We don't even know if his name is Veal Chop.
It's not his name. It's a nickname.
Like, you know, Meat Loaf. Wait, you don't see anything morally wrong...
by stealing money from this old guy?
I'm not trying to upset you, but your father's a crook.
Why are you grilling me on the moral angle? You know why.
'Cause you come from a good family.
I mean, do you have any idea what your parents would think if they knew you stooped to this?
My fucking parents haven't called me since we did our act at my Dad's 60th birthday party.
They think I'm a freak.
We're not thieves, Eddie, we're singers.
And I like to think of Pappy as a very generous patron of the arts.
Hey, don't kid yourself. If we do this thing, we are thieves. We're not thieves.
This isn't quite as simple as Mr. Veal Chop described.
Come on, Sugar. Open sesame.
I think we should get outta here. All right.
Give me a second here, I'm close.
Let me get in there.
It's open.
It's wide open. Look at that. It's open.
- It's open? - Pappy?
Time to make the doughnuts, gentlemen.
Shit!
You're not happy?
What did I say to you? I said, "Veal Chop is setting us up."
You walked right into this house without too many any arguments, if I recall correctly.
I said, "Sam, Veal Chop is setting us up!"
What the fuck is your real name, anyway?
It's Veal Chop.
Listen, Veal Chop, I think I speak for Eddie here- Hey, don't speak for me.
This is-This is clearly a misunderstanding.
So I think you should probably get Pappy out here.
And we can all just sort this thing out. We can just walk away.
You know what, Sam? I'm actually not gonna let you go.
See, 'cause if I let you go,
my boss'll get very upset with me.
And when he gets upset, terrible things start to happen.
Who the hell do you work for?
You wanna know who I work for?
Me.
- My name is Bernie Gayle. - You're Big Fat Bernie Gayle.
Mm. I really prefer people not use the fat part.
Okay.
The important thing is you recognized me.
Well, there's not too many Jewish gangsters in Providence.
Oh, no. There are a couple of us.
Look. I could talk all night.
But I'd really like to get in a steam bath before dinner.
So, here's the thing with this whole thing.
I think we can all agree that there's no Pappy.
And, since there's no Pappy, then this is clearly my home.
- Are you not a male nurse? - Sorry, son.
This is my home. And you broke into it.
And, now, it's time for a little payback.
Sir, uh, I'm not tryin' to be a dick here.
But what are you- what are you talking about?
You broke into my house and tried to steal from me.
- You tried to take what is mine.
You tried to make me look like a fuckin' idiot.
This had nothin' to do with you.
Do you think you can take from Big Fat Bernie Gayle?
- Is that what you think? Because you cannot. - I thought you were Pappy.
You cannot take from the home...
where my late wife and I raised the child that I love.
- You cannot upset the natural order...
of the way things work...
by stealin' from me or Pappy or anyone else.
- I work! Do you understand that? - Please.
- I fuckin' work! - Please! Please, God! Please!
Eh, I'm not gonna kill ya.
I said, I'm not gonna kill ya. Relax. He's not gonna kill you.
I love you, Big Fat Piggy. I love you. I love you.
Shut up! He said he's not gonna kill us.
Christ! For somebody in your field, you act like a fuckin' sissy.
- What? - These are the legendary safe men?
These are the guys, yeah. Hmm.
The what?
You're not gonna come clean, are you?
- Why do you think we set you up? - Um, 'cause-
Now, you have a debt to pay off.
Is there a better commodity than two guys...
who can crack any safe in the city of Providence?
Oh, we're not safecrackers.
Well, you sure could've fuckin' fooled me.
Cracking into that fine piece of finished finery in the other room.
It was open.
Thank you, Eddie.
You left the safe open? It was an accident.
How can I know these guys are the guys if you left the safe open?
How am I gonna know that? I don't know.
You and I are going to have a discussion about responsibility after you dispose of these two.
We're the best.
What was that?
It's not our fault that Veal Chop left the safe open.
We're the best.
Big, they had the duffel bag, the drinks. They kept-
You guys are the guys?
We're the best. We're good.
To repay your debt to me, I'm gonna give the two of you one week...
to crack three safes of my own personal choosing.
And if you don't do this,
then we are going to find ourselves...
in a very uncomfortable situation.
Uh, Mr. B-Big F-Bernard.
I'm gonna suggest that we all just, like, go out for a late supper.
Maybe a couple of sambucas. And just forget about this whole thing.
I'm gonna go take a shit, then I'm gonna have a shvitz.
Chop, is it too much to ask you to tell these guys where the first safe is?
I didn't mean to leave it open, Big.
- Uh- - I've had it up to my tits with you.
Mazel tov, gentlemen. Best of luck.
What do you think?
Huh? Huh?
It's too pungent.
What is this? Is this peppermint?
No, that's actually a really mild mandarin orange.
And your name is? Sherry.
Sherry, where am I finding country jams?
Country jams and preserves are just to your left.
Apricot or raspberry?
Whatever, Sam.
I kinda feel like everybody does raspberry,
so maybe we should go with apricot.
Raspberry has a fuller flavor at this time of year.
That's a good point.
All right. I think we're good.
And you can put this together nicely with crepe paper and ribbon and stuff?
We're gonna make it look superspecial, sir.
Great. So, it's going to a Bernard Gayle...
at 119 Hope Street, which is-
- Can I talk to you for a minute? - What's goin' on?
This man is in the Mafia, Sam. Do you understand that?
He's not gonna let us off the hook...
because we send him a fucking basket of sundry goods.
He's in the Jewish Mafia.
I'm sure that's much more like a club than an actual organization.
Let me explain somethin' here.
You and I are pussies.
We don't have a chance of cracking one safe, let alone three.
Which is why- But you know who can do stuff like that?
Tough guys. Guys that Veal Chop thought we were.
How much? - Sixteen.
Which is why I think we should see...
how he responds to the gift basket and then play it out from there.
No. You're gonna have to call him and tell him that we can't do it.
Why can't you just call your fucking father and ask him for some help?
Don't turn this into a thing about my father. All right? I'm not.
I just don't see why you can't call him. Because it's just not an option.
Well, I don't feel comfortable calling Bernie. So, it's going to a Bernard Gayle.
Call him, Sam. Don't! Back off.
- Bitch. - Ow!
So, it's going to a Bernard Gayle. Okay.
Hello. Hi. Who's this?
This is Big Fat Bernie Gayle Jr.
Well, hello Little Big Fat.
Can you put Big Fat Bernie Gayle Sr. on the phone? Okay.
Daddy! Telephone.
No shouting in the house, Bernard.
Yeah.
Hi, Bernie. It's Samuel. Who?
The safe guy from last night. What is it? I'm exercising.
Listen. Eddie and I talked it over...
and we really think that because of the Pappy technicality...
and the... scheduling and everything...
we're gonna kind of pass on doin' the safe thing.
Samuel, I'm gonna put you on hold for a minute here.
I'm on hold. Oh.
If you don't crack the safes,
I'm gonna come over to where you live, I'm gonna saw both your legs off,
then I'm gonna beat you over the head with the stumps.
At this point, I was frightened like a little infant.
Though Eddie's father was some kind of master criminal,
he and I were singer-songwriters.
And our situation had just taken a turn for the worse.
See the skylight?
Hey! Hey. What?
I can't believe you. What?
What's goin' on back there? Nothin'. Nothin'.
Why would you wear that tonight? I'm not wearing it.
Sam... I could feel it back there.
If you had to deal with like half of the shit...
that I've been through in the past year,
you'd strap on one of these fuckers.
Just like me, you'd strap it right on.
Let's open the fucking skylight.
I wanna get off now. Okay. Um, why?
Because I'm tired...
and I wanna make some juice...
and we're not going out anymore?
Okay. I-I hear that. I hear that.
Uh, so, then, maybe I should probably call you back in the morning.
You know what? I don't think that's a good idea.
Well, what if I still like you more than just a friend?
Frank, you really don't need to deal with this anymore.
I'm sure Mitchell would love to hear about your problems.
I'm wearin' a mustache now.
Wow. That's really great. It's growin' in pretty well.
Frank, I'm gonna very gently put down the receiver now.
It's gettin' pretty thick and hairy and stuff. I'm hanging up the phone.
Really? Okay. 'Cause, um- Did you get my gift basket?
Yes. I thought you'd be into, like,
the mustards and the peppercorn salami and shit.
- It was really nice, Frank. - Maybe you could use it in your cookin' or-
I'm gonna talk to you some other time. Okay? Say hi to Mitchell.
Maybe in the near future we could go on a picnic. Hello?
I'm getting close. I can taste it.
Oh, I'm chafing like an idiot. Shh. Be quiet for a second.
What are these, polyester?
I got a good price on a polycotton blend.
Damn. Do you realize how high these are riding?
They're irregular. Yes.
I am chafing like a fucking idiot.
It's like grated parmesan between my legs. Hey. Hey.
You think I don't chafe? You think I don't feel the high ride?
I don't know what you feel. I chafe. I'm sick, I'm chafing so much.
Plus, I'm wearing a fake fucking ass over my ass.
But that's not what I'm thinking about at this particular moment in time.
Well, I am thinking about the thigh-high chicken parmesan sandwich between my legs.
Well, you should be thinking about- Maybe I don't-
I can't think about this stuff- Well, good God.
Hello. Hey. Hi.
- How are you? - I'm pretty good. I just came down for a fruit drink.
Okay, then.
Um, you guys are breaking into my dad's safe.
No. This is not-This is- This is different.
Well, from over here it kinda looks like you're tryin' to crack the safe.
Okay. Here's the thing. We are cracking the safe.
But it has no personal connection to you at all.
It's not about you.
It's about us and stuff we're dealing with.
Even though that's really a relief,
- I feel like maybe I should go wake up my dad. - Don't do that.
- You don't think I should wake him up? - I think it's beneath you.
You know what I'm saying?
I feel like- like you win and we lose,
and there's nothin' more to say.
Um-
- Hannah. - Samuel.
Hi. This is Eddie.
- Hi, Eddie. - Hey.
Uh, there's no way- No.
- What? - No. It's ridiculous. I just had a question. I was-
- What? - There's no way that you could just give us...
the combination to the safe?
I'm not gonna tell you the combination to the safe.
Uh, I'm sorry. That was a really stupid question.
We should go.
- Okay. - Right there?
Oh, yeah.
Do you guys want some juice or something for the road?
We should go. But I'd love to take a rain check.
I can't.
- You're involved with someone. - No. I try not to date thieves.
I'm not a thief. We're not-
My dad works with thieves. And my last boyfriend was a thief.
Is your dad a cop or something?
- No, he's a fence. - What's a fence?
You're breaking into my house and you don't know what a fence is?
They operate kind of like a s-store.
Um, thieves will bring in, uh,
stolen merchandise,
uh, sell it to a fence,
who, in turn, sells it back to, uh, educated consumers,
who know they're purchasing quality, albeit hot, products...
at a competitive price.
Okay. Because I thought you were talking about a-a lence.
That's a little different. What's a lence?
They're, uh, woodworking, primarily.
- So, what do you do? - My dad's store is on Wickendon Street.
That's where I work.
Well, so, then you're a fence too?
No, I'm a chef. I make homemade hors d'oeuvres...
and I kinda pass 'em around the store throughout the day.
- That's really cool. - I enjoy it.
Yeah. So, let me go over a couple of things here.
Actually, I really kinda want you guys to go.
Okay. No. Because that- Okay. Hey. Okay. No. Let's go.
Bye.
Sorry.
You're killing me!
Hey, we're back, Bernie.
He rousts me a couple of times a week. I love it.
- Oh, nice. - Helps keep the weight down.
Where's the loot?
Uh, here's the thing.
There was this daughter, and she almost caught us. It was a real fluke.
They couldn't crack the safe.
Whoa. It's not that we couldn't crack the safe,
it's just that we never really got the chance. So you didn't crack the safe?
- Nope. - Well, according to the rules of gangster etiquette,
I could, you know, kill you.
You don't want to do that.
Oh, no. I didn't say I would.
I was just thinkin' out loud here. But there is a saving grace.
I know that daughter. Set her up on a date with Veal Chop once.
I tried to put my tongue in her mouth. She punched me in the penis.
She's got a thing for bad guys. It's like forbidden fruit. Turns her on.
- Not Veal Chop actually? - Fuck off, Eddie.
The point is, she's got a sixth sense when thieves are around.
Without some kind of telekinesis,
there is no way that she could've known that we were in that house.
Eddie and I were tomcats in there. We were invisible.
I'm gonna let you go with a stern warning this time.
But if you screw up on the next two safes, then I'm gonna kill ya.
Let's get these guys outta here. Bernie Jr. has a Hebrew lesson at 5:00.
Oh, yeah.
My kid is getting bar mitzvahed on Saturday.
Hey. Hey. Have you got a suit picked out? Oh.
You're not gonna believe this kid. He worships his daddy.
The kid insists on wearing a sweat suit.
- Really. Oh. - Eh, we're gonna do a theme type of thing.
You know, father and son in matching workout gear.
All Sergio Tacchini.
Wow. Wow. That's fantastic.
Yeah. Great. Yes.
- Is it nylon? - Stop kissin' my ass, Samuel.
Chop,
do you think you can learn these two guys where the next safe is?
It's done and "doner."
Why can't you just say fucking "Yes" when I ask you a question?
Sorry.
You are gonna love this haircut.
Just love it. Look at this.
Do you guys want some gravlax on a bed of beef tartar?
This looks good. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, that looks terrific. Oh.
T-Tryin' to rob your house. You came in.
- Samuel. Hi. - Hannah. Hi.
- What are you doin' here? - Um, I thought you said to come by.
No.
Oh, 'cause I came by.
Is this your dad's store? Um, yeah. Sort of.
You guys can stop pretending. That's a good piece of fish, Hannah.
It makes a nice sandwich.
No. Come in. You should see our place.
Okay.
Psst. Who's the hippie? I have no idea.
Holy shit.
Here, take a gravlax. Oh, thanks.
Oh, my God! I think it's Phil Bradford.
These are fantastic. Thank you.
They're going over pretty well.
I've already moved over 80 of them, and it's not even lunchtime yet.
Oh. That's a- That's a lot.
That's a good number. Yeah.
So, I'm sorry about the other night.
No. I feel bad. I totally screwed up you guys' break-in.
Well, on those lines, would you be interested in casually dating?
Hannah, sweetie. Do you think we could move some more of the gravlax before lunch?
- I've got people starving inside. - Yeah.
I'm kinda in the middle of something right now, Dad.
This is Sam. Sam, this is my dad, Good Stuff Leo.
- Is he a crook? - Honestly, Dad.
Sorry. Hello, Samuel. Hi, Good Stuff.
Hello. I love your store. That's very nice.
Feel free to browse when you're done flirting with my daughter.
Okay. Sweetie.
When you get a minute, it wouldn't kill you with the salmon.
Let's go out. Just like a friend type of thing.
- So, tonight? Whoa.
Tonight? I, uh- Actually, I can't do it tonight.
- Because you're robbing someplace. - Please. I'm insulted.
Tomorrow my dad and I are having a bunch of people over to celebrate Rosh Hashanah.
- What's that. - It's the Jewish New Year.
I guess it would be sort of harmless if you came to that.
Okay. Very cool.
Bye, Sam. Okay.
Good luck with your next robbery.
Oh, I told you, I'm done- I-I have a function tonight.
I'm not robbing anymore.
I'm serious. Okay.
I'm an honest man.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Okay.
Baba-ba-ba-ba. All right.
This is your Torah portion, B.J.
Now don't be afraid to push it a little bit. All right?
Listen to me for a second.
Join me.
Bring it up a little higher.
Emphasize the- Go for it.
We've got a long way to go here, Beej.
Ooh, ooh, aagh.
Aagh! Sweet shot!
Whoo!
So you psyched to become a man?
I don't know. Your mom would have been real proud of you.
I guess so.
Your dad's pumped up.
He's been... a little on edge and stuff.
You know, it's weird.
Sometimes I feel like, you know,
he thinks I'm no good or whatever, you know.
Okay.
You're a lucky fuck, Bernie Jr.
Fuck. All right. Shit.
That's game.
Good convo, big man. Bye, Veal Chop.
Hey.
What say you call me by my real name.
All right.
Now, can you keep a secret?
Yeah. Yeah?
It's Sasha.
All right.
Okay. I've got to give your dad a liniment rubdown.
Adios, tough turf. Bye, Sasha.
All right.
Here we go.
Spinning the dial- What?
Uh, three revolutions.
Spinning, spinning, spinning...
and nothing.
Fuck. Okay. Not a problem.
Going back two spins to the left and-
Wait a minute.
Wait one good goddamn second here...
Eduardo, because... it is-
What?
No, it's nothing. Shit.
They're geniuses.
They're not geniuses. The raccoon is hands down...
the smartest animal in the entire animal kingdom.
That's fact. People acknowledge that shit.
It's not smarter than a pig.
It's in a different league than the pig.
I just don't think it can be smarter than a pig.
I heard the click.
All right. Okay. All right. Uh, "First pin being engaged."
Three more and we're home free. Okay.
Contact.
You're getting a little bit excited out here, aren't you?
I'm not getting excited. It's just... nice to hear a click.
This is an animal that's gonna walk up to your driveway,
know exactly when you're asleep.
They're nocturnal by nature.
No, man. This genius knows when you're asleep.
He knows how to untie your trash.
How to separate the edible products from the nonedibles.
He's doing all kind of work with the recycled shit.
It's the fucking bomb.
I read in Omni last month that there's a guy in Finland...
who taught his pig how to speak Finnish.
A pig is a smart little bastard, Frank.
Nobody's arguing that.
But the raccoon's a genius.
Come on, Frank. Don't be shy.
Okay. For me, it'd be Farrah Fawcett,
Jaclyn Smith, and then who's the one that replaced Farrah, the first one?
Tanya Roberts. Yeah, that's my pick. Tanya Roberts.
Given the choice, I'd make love to Farrah Fawcett first.
Then Kate Jackson because I always found her very sexually attractive.
And last? My last angel would be... the last angel, Shelley.
What the hell was her last name? Uh... Duvall.
No, that's not right.
Shelley.
We're done. Okay.
Let's go get a sloe gin fizz.
Shelley Hack.
What did you say? What?
Shelley Hack. Don't call me Shelley Hack.
No, you just called me Shelley Hack.
I didn't say anything close to Shelley Hack.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you did.
Jaclyn Smith.
What? What?
Why did you just call me Jaclyn Smith?
I didn't just call you Jaclyn Smith.
Look, get over it, okay? I didn't call you Shelley Hack.
I heard you say her name very clearly.
Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't. Okay?
Kate Jackson.
You know, I'm glad that we're not gonna crack this safe.
Why?
Because that means somebody's gonna kill you.
Yeah, well, they're going to kill you too.
Yeah. Well, you give and you take, Samuel. You give and take.
I'm not fuckin' kiddin' anymore.
I'm going to kill the both of you right fuckin' now.
Do you think that I care that my kid is standing next to me?
I don't give a fucking shit! It's good for him to see this.
Let him learn a thing or two about tough love.
- Bernie, please, just give us- - Shut up, Sam, you assless fuck.
Please.
I'm giving you guys two days to break into the next safe.
And if you don't do that, then I'm going to shoot you so hard through the skull...
that your cock is gonna go spinning around like a fuckin' Skil saw.
Understood?
No.
- What? - I honestly...
don't get the part about the saw.
It's a metaphor.
- I don't get that. - It's a little vague.
It is?
All right. I'm sorry.
I'll make it clearer next time.
Just clarify it a little.
Hmm?
Oow!
Why didn't you kill those guys, Daddy?
Because, Bernie Jr., those are men with balls the size of casaba melons.
- I don't follow, Big. - Open your eyes, Chop.
My office guy said they made off with $67,000 bucks.
How come they didn't tell you about it?
They are true thieves, Bernie Jr.
When you crack a tough safe like they just did,
they're not going to part with the goods.
They're too connected to it. Oh.
Hey, uh, Big,
do I get fitted out for a sweat suit too?
You see a third tailor here?
No. Honey, how do your pants fit?
Well, they're kind of tight on my tushie.
Herman, keep 'em like that.
Let the ladies know he's a Gayle.
Hey, uh, you gonna be back in 15 minutes?
Less. I'm gonna give Hannah a quick hello. I'm gonna take a lap around the party.
I'm gonna get a light supper and then I'm out.
When you, uh, come back, we're gonna prepare for the next safe.
Yeah. And you're definitely sure that's the best thing to do?
It is just the only thing to do, Sam.
These fucking guys are gonna kill us...
if we come back to them empty-handed a third time.
Okay. Guys like Bernie do not play around.
Okay, give me ten minutes to say hi to Hannah,
and then I'll come back and we'll do a little preparation. Fine.
I'll be back in a minute.
I'm gonna wait right here.
I'm, you know-
I've got some things in the works.
We have projects, primarily.
I'm just, uh,
you know, talking to Eddie.
Would you like, uh- You want a Halls?
You look very nice. That's a very nice dress.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Thank you.
Come in. Everybody's out back.
Hey. You remember the house, right?
You understand, I am in a kind of a business where...
I'm constantly getting shipments of merchandise-
merchandise that I'm not, uh, in control of, per se,
but merchandise that I'm gonna try and move off of my shelves nevertheless.
Sam knows what you do for a living, Dad.
Six days a week I'm moving serious swag outta my store onto the street,
and I pride myself on my ability to do this.
The man is good, Samuel. He's good at what he does.
A year ago, this shine I used to deal with, uh-
Guy's been down on his luck. He's working at a pants factory.
He comes to me. He's been manufacturing slacks, all kinds,
uh, Sansabelts, Chinos, whatnot.
He swiped a carton of slacks.
The good stuff, not any of that, uh, polycotton bullshit.
I say, "Fine." He says, "There is a catch."
Seems these slacks had been discontinued.
The material they're made out of has been found to be flammable.
The pants are flammable? They were flammable.
So who cares? 'Cause usually what that means is that, uh,
it didn't pass some government regulation, something like that.
But you're not really gonna have a problem with the pants.
So, I buy the carton. I put the word out on the street.
Good Stuff Leo's got designer slacks at a major discount.
The buzz is big. All of a sudden a lady comes in, a regular customer of mine.
She comes in and she tries on the slacks.
Now this lady has what you call a...
funny kind of a figure.
- Funny-figured? - Yes. She's, uh-
She's funny-figured. She tries on these slacks.
On her these slacks look great.
They look great, she loves 'em, she buys a pair.
Two weeks later she tells me she's never felt better.
She's wearing those pants three, four times a week.
I am so moved by her happiness that I invite her here...
to celebrate Rosh Hashanah with us just like we're doing now.
Hannah smoked her fish.
I made a couple of other dishes.
Bob and Harry are there. Cousin Ira is here, the whole gang.
This lady comes, let's call her Joyce.
Joyce comes and she brings a package of Kobe steaks as a thank you.
She's wearing the pants. And you know what?
- She looks great. - She looked really good.
All right. Make fun. Make all the fun you want, people.
The fact is, this woman looks terrific.
Those pants, they fit her like a second skin.
We're having a fantastic party. The food's good. The company's good.
She's kissing me. She's hugging me. She's so happy.
Leo, Leo, let me make you another steak.
No, I tell her. Joyce, I can't. But the truth is...
that Kobe steak, it cuts like butter.
I wouldn't mind another piece of that beef.
So she insists. She goes over and she fires up the grill.
It's one of those grills, the gas grills like everybody got now, uh,
with a butane tank underneath.
She fires up the grill, she turns to me, she points to the pants,
she gives me- so help me to God-a thumbs up in appreciation of the pants,
when all of a sudden, Samuel, I don't know-
There must have been a little spark or something, because that's it.
- What? - Poof!
She explodes.
She explodes, Samuel. The woman goes up...
in a ball of flames, and I swear to God I think to myself,
I don't know, at that moment, it's got to be nothing but...
the pants.
So you ask if I've ever killed someone.
The answer is yes and no, Samuel.
I once sold a woman a pair of exploding slacks.
Did I know they were gonna ignite? Of course not.
But to some people...
it's as bad as if I pulled the trigger.
Hannah, sweetheart, when you get a chance...
you'll talk to your cousin Ira.
He's having emotional problems.
Eddie, if you're reading this, I'll know you've arrived.
Just remember, the last click is always in your heart.
Love, Dad.
Mmm. Mmm.
Sam. Hmm? What's up?
Are you wearing some kind of padding?
No, maybe just pretty thick boxers.
Hey. Why are you wearing padding around your ass?
I'm not. I'm just- I just- Like a really thin layer of foam.
It's nothing.
I have a- I have a very...
small, uh, butt.
My old girlfriend used to tease and ridicule me about it.
You don't find the size of it to be-
Do you find the size of it to be silly?
This may come as a shock to you, but I think your padded ass is silly.
Your real one is just...
small.
Oh, yeah?
What are you doing here?
Frank, turn the music off.
That's how I'm felling, Hannah.
Please don't do this right now.
Who's this guy?
This is Sam. Sam, this is Frank.
- Sweet 'stache, man. - Thanks, bro.
- You can't be here. - Are you having sex with this guy?
Actually-
All right. I gotta go. I don't have to feel bad about this, you know.
- We're not together anymore. - Okay, you're right.
This actually works out much better for me.
Good Yontif.
What are you doing?
- Reading. - You should be studying your Torah portion, man.
- I should? - You know how bad that's gonna look if you screw that up?
No.
You're supposed to be becoming a man tomorrow.
Now, that's a big deal, B.J.
You mess up during that ceremony...
and your dad is going to have a heart attack.
- He will? - Definitely, dude.
Hey, is that girl from your social studies class still coming?
The one that you've been crushing on? Denise Schneider?
Sweet Denise Schneider.
She's still coming? Yeah.
- You better know that Torah portion cold. - Okay.
Now, you get to work, you lazy little baboon.
I'm just kidding. All right.
Now, I am gonna check on you in a few, though.
Bye, Sasha.
Sure you want to do this?
Let's go.
This guy is sick.
Yeah, his choice of venue...
is definitely...
questionable.
Okay, first click.
Ahh. Second click.
One more, baby. A little bingo here.
Give me a little bit of bingo.
Go check 'em out downstairs. All right.
Eddie, remember...
the last click is always in your heart.
Oh, boys.
Yes.
Oh, yes! Oh, baby!
Whoo!
You doing great, sweetheart.
Shake your booty there, B.J. baby.
Where you goin', fats? Need a minute here to deal with these guys.
Come on, little Bernie.
Victor is helping Bernie Jr. with some moves...
for his bar mitzvah party tomorrow night.
Ah, sweet. He looks good. Ah, he's all right.
- So, I'm really proud of you guys. - You doubted us.
Chop, what'd I say when they wouldn't pay me after the second safe?
"Veal Chop, those two guys have nuts the size of casaba melons.
They're the best."
Choppy was worried that you weren't the guys.
- Hey, I didn't know. - That's why I am the boss man, Chop Shop.
That is why I am the boss. All right.
You know, uh, I gotta tell you, though,
I'm a little upset with the two of you.
Why? Why?
You withheld a very important piece of information from me.
- What's that? - You sing!
- The guy I buy my kielbasa from,
Yanosh, he tells me he booked you into his lodge about a week ago.
- Yes, we do sing a little. - Hey, let me cut to the chase.
Like I said, tomorrow night I'm throwing Bernie Jr. his bar mitzvah party.
I got Victor lined up with the dancing- a couple other surprises.
So, I was kinda thinking here, you know-
He looks up to you guys, with you guys being safe men and all.
So, maybe if he knew you were gonna perform at his bar mitzvah party-
make him feel a little more secure.
Sure, man, we'll sing some songs. Let's do it.
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
Oh, oh, oh. I forgot. Uhm, there's one last thing.
Victor!
All right, Victor, enough! Turn this crap off.
Like I said,
Bernard Jr. became a man yesterday.
To celebrate this occasion, there's a very special gift I would like to give him.
We can't crack another safe.
I want you to crack one more safe. Please, Bernie.
Why? You only cracked one safe. Yeah, but it was a good safe.
Yeah, but that was only a test of you abilities, this one is the kahuna.
We'll get you one more safe, but then we're gonna really have to break the cord.
It's completely understood. Now, as luck would have it,
the gift for Bernie Jr. resides in the office safe of a man named Good Stuff Leo.
Uh, all right, look.
Let me tell you something, you big fat bitch.
- Sam. - Whoa, let me do this.
I totally understand what your kid is going through right now.
I was pretty awkward in middle school as well,
and if you want us to sing at the party, we'll be happy to perform.
But as far as the safes go... that's it, okay?
We're the best, Mr. Gayle. We gave you the goods and now we're done.
Unlike Mr. Veal Chop here, we're not your little cabana boys.
What the fuck is that supposed- Chop!
You both are gonna break into Leo's safe...
and steal a very special cup for me,
because if you don't, you're both gonna find yourselves extremely dead.
And this time, I am not fuckin' shitting.
I'm sorry, okay?
I clearly didn't understand the whole situation.
It's okay.
She does this thing with white fish...
where she just kind of lightly smokes it.
It's so, uh-
It's really delicious? Yeah, it's really delicious.
Thanks to a strange and fairly awful twist of fate,
I now found myself caught between the two Jewish gangsters in Providence.
Though I can't say I looked forward to telling Hannah...
that someone was gonna kill us if we didn't rob her dad's safe,
I hoped, naively perhaps, that she would understand that...
my return to crime was a situation beyond my control.
Okay. Get a chair. Sam, get a chair. Sure. Okay.
So I've got something pretty serious on my mind.
What's up, bro? Thinking about leaving town.
So once I factored in my desire for warm weather,
I sort of settled on Key West.
Yeah, good town, Frank. Lovely country.
Hey, this could be it.
It's that it? That's not a cup. That's more like a shot glass or something.
I mean, it's a cup. Essentially, a cup.
What's that over there? - That's a cup.
Listen, it's not like I'm definitely going, man.
I'm just thinking about it. I know, Frank.
I got it.
Hey, man.
Uh, Pappy? Oh, hi! Hi! Who the fuck are you?
I know who I am, guy, but what I don't know is who you are.
Frank?
What's up, bro?
This is the guy I told you about. Hannah's new boyfriend.
They beat us to the Cup.
Okay. What are we holding here?
You didn't fucking know you were stealing the Stanley Cup?
No, we knew. Yeah.
- She told me she wasn't dating thieves anymore. - I just-
I guess I always just assumed we were the best, man.
Ah! Fuck!
Careful, those slacks are flammable.
All right. Good score, guys.
Great score, man. Give me some juice. Ow!
Ow. Sweet 'stache.
Thanks, bro. Let's go, Mitchell.
Hey! You take good care of her, all right?
She broke up with me.
- What? - Yeah. I told her I had to crack into...
her dad's safe and she- she broke up with me.
Hey, maybe we should, you know, leave...
and let these guys have their time, 'cause- Wait a second, wait a second.
It was at that moment that I thought of a plan.
Do you guys know Big Fat Bernie Gayle?
- I went to high school with Sasha. - Who?
- Veal Chop. - Bernie's intern.
And for the first time since I can remember...
- Can I ask you to hang out for a minute? - I had a clear vision...
of the right thing to do. This idea just kinda ran through my head.
Sure, Sam.
It's '94. The Rangers win the championship.
They're taking the Cup with them all over town.
Benefits, rallies. Jamborees.
The works. One night, it's the goalie,
Mike Richter, it's his turn to take the Cup.
So, he's at the Palladium dancing away,
passing the Cup around like crazy.
He goes to take a shit, puts the Stanley Cup right in front of him in the stall.
Some shine, one of Leo's guys, happens to be in the city that night,
steals the Stanley Cup from right between Richter's legs.
So you've set this entire thing up for us to steal from Leo,
and give the Cup to Bernie Jr?
Yes, Samuel. Yes.
He's a raccoon, this guy. He's quick. He's a genius.
Bernie Jr. loves hockey.
The kid is obsessed with it.
Legend has it that the Cup is sitting in Leo's safe.
So, that's where you guys came in.
I'm gonna have it put in a Lucite casing,
present it to Bernie Jr. after the party...
in a kinda private-like type of setting.
Maybe I could, uh, help prepare some finger foods.
Mm. You call my Lucite guy.
Hey, he's coming the day after tomorrow. Not to worry.
We got it. The Cup's in the safe.
I love this guy. He gets upset because...
he thinks I pay more attention, uh, to Little Big Fat, you know.
Don't you. Ooh, you big baby.
Yeah, right. I guess, I guess. Yeah.
Beep, beep! I know you're gonna hate me, but I really need you out of here.
Guys, be right back. I gotta deal with my coordinator.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey. You're good people, Sam.
Come here. Come here. Yeah.
Come on, Eddie.
Come on. Try a little tenderness, huh?
Eh, eh.
Here, take this.
What the shit is this? It's nothing.
It's just a little present. A little present for me.
Hey, Eduardo. Huh?
Whoa. Man!
Oh, Eddie. These are nice, man.
Whoa, Big! Hey, look at the slacks Eddie gave me.
Oh. Wow! Wow! Look at that.
Oh, that's a nice weave, Eddie. Yeah.
I guess I'm kinda touched, you know.
Danke sch�n, Eddie. You're welcome.
Come here. Come here.
There's a lot of love in this room right now.
Whoa! Hey!
Leflore, listen to me. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
No, no, no. Listen to me. That was my last job.
No, that was not your last job because this is your last job.
I'm hemming now. And when the time is right,
I'm gonna help you open that tailor shop.
All right. You want 'em dead?
No, I need these guys alive.
That's no fun.
I am sensitive to the fact that it is less enjoyable for you, but, uh,
Hannah was romantically involved with one of them, so-
Big surprise. Yeah, right. Big surprise.
Can I break something at least? Yeah, fine. Break something.
Only, uh, make it something that you don't use every day.
The coccyx? Coccyx? Can't you do like a shinbone or something?
All right, collarbone. There you go, baby. Collarbone.
You know why I love you. I'm the best.
That's right. 'Cause you're the best. Thanks, Leo.
I'll speak to you tomorrow.
From the floor to the ceiling, how ya feeling?
From the bris to this, he can't miss.
From the Wailing Wall to the social hall...
to all of y'all, welcome to Bernie Gayle Jr.'s...
big b-mitzvah bash.
Bring it on.
Hey. What?
I was actually thinking about not going out there tonight, Sam.
Chill out 'cause it's about that time...
for the Gayle family all-stars.
Kicking things off is the man behind the man...
spreading the Ten Commandments of love from above.
Nobody laugh on the baby calf,
show your love for Ve-e-eal Cho-o-op!
Come on, baby.
Frank and Mitchell asked if I wanted...
to join up with them.
Really? Yeah.
Get together and do some safes.
Veal Chop! Veal Chop! Veal Chop! Veal Chop!
Veal Chop!
Uh, you had a really good plan, Sam.
You think they'll- they'll bring the Cup back to Leo? Definitely.
You're telling me that you took this from Bernie Gayle's house?
Yeah. Um-hm. A-A-And you're giving it back to me.
You don't want nothing in return for it?
Here. Here you go.
- How did you know the Cup was at Bernie's? - I guess, like, intuition?
- Sam told us. - What?
Nothing. That guy, Sam, he told us.
Samuel told you to take the Cup from Bernie Gayle...
and bring it back to me?
- Yes. - Oh, shit!
What?
Leflore.
I'm taking the car.
Stand up and wail...
for Big Fat Bernie Gayle!
So, hey, I'll just take off. Okay. Okay.
I may just go congratulate Bernie Jr.
All right. Okay.
Hey, do you- do you wanna-
What? You want a hug or something?
Yeah, it be okay. Okay.
Stop. I stopped wearing the ass.
You're gonna be fine.
All right.
Well, I'll see ya. Okay. I'll see ya.
And finally-
Can we bring it down, please?
Shh! Come on, come on.
You the man. You the man.
Who the man? You the man.
Tonight, like a phoenix,
he rises through the arena floor.
Leflore.
- I want you to put the mallet down. - I can't do that, baby.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you...
the one and only...
Little Big Fat himself,
Bernie Gayle Jr!
Leflore, would you please listen to me?
- This is between me and your dad, Hannah. - Leflore!
You like this guy?
I really like him a lot.
All right, baby. Thanks.
B.J., yes!
And now, baby Bernie, would you grab that...
special someone as you take the floor...
for your first dance as a man.
Hey! Hey. Ladies and gentlemen,
would you please help me welcome the honorable... Hey.
Mr. Bernard Gayle the second.
Come on, little Bernie. Did you get the-
I'm not really a good dancer.
As Hannah and I...
swayed on the dance floor,
I thought about the last seven days.
About Little Big Fat,
who had recently become a man.
And Veal Chop, even though he might suffer...
a minor explosion in the next few weeks,
seemed so touched by his role...
in this Gayle family celebration.
And Bernie the fat man who had gotten us...
into this situation to steal the Cup...
that has since been returned to its rightful owner.
And though I could no longer speak for Eddie,
who had gone off to fulfill his destiny,
of all things, I think that right then and there...
for the first time in a long time,
I actually felt safe.
Hey, how are ya?