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[flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to direct
your attention to the screen in front of you.
We'll be showing a brief safety demonstration.
While boarding the flight please keep the aisle clear
- and find your designated seat. - [man screaming] Argh!
In the event of a water landing Chloe Bridges lips
can be used as a flotation device.
Please enjoy one complementary drink.
Please store your carry on in one of
the overhead compartments.
If you need to flee the aircraft beware of sharp objects
as they can puncture the evacuation slide.
We ask that all seat backs and titty tassels
are in their full upright positions.
If you have to smoke, please disable the lavatory smoke detectors
so as not to wake the other passengers.
The flight attendants will now demonstrate proper safety procedures.
Pull the cord to inflate the safety chest.
As a reminder racial profiling is strictly tolerated,
please report any suspicious ethnicity.
If you do not have a selfie stick, one will be provided for you.
Please keep your seat belts fastened at all times
as we may experience unexpected flatulence.
As a reminder there is no crying allowed on this flight,
please silence your baby at this time or it will be checked to your final destination.
[upbeat music]
Thank you for choosing Koalair, koality you can trust.
At this time your portable electronic devices must be set...
[distorted voice] ...to airplane mode.
[upbeat electronic music]
[explosions]
[woman on computer] You're on the other side of the world,
how can we possibly make this work?
Let's just make things simple
like when we first met on Chatroulette.
When we first connected, fell in love,
and the sparks flew when I asked you those deep,
personal questions like, what were those? Oh yeah,
- age, sex, location? - Yeah.
Hey Logan, I'm ready to take this to the next level.
[Logan panting]
[Logan] Oh yes, here we go.
Come on, old friend.
Who are you talking to?
Just a second freshening up. [chuckles]
Okay, okay, babe, now these are for your eyes only.
Yeah, don't worry babe, it's just me.
- [chiming sounds] - [bird shrieks]
[music]
- [music stops abruptly] - Do you have any almond milk?
[Logan and Ariel screaming]
Uh... you were jerking off.
Come on man! You shouldn't just burst into people's rooms like that.
And you shouldn't be jerking off in the middle of the day
with your door unlocked and all your friends downstairs.
Now, do you have almond milk or not?
[Logan] Come on man, it's next to my socks, you know that.
[Juanpa] Yo we're drinking up.
[door closes]
[Logan] Sorry about that babe.
[Logan grunting] Okay.
- Who was that? - [chuckling] Oh.
That would be Juanpa, my foreign exchange brother
who's overstayed his welcome by a decade!
What about your real brother, Jake?
[Logan chuckles] Oh.
Disney got him. Okay.
- Argh. The moment's ruined babe, don't you think? - No, no babe, um...
Okay, just, okay... How about this? Take a deep breath.
Asasasa!
Okay close your eyes, close your eyes, that's right okay. Now...
Imagine our second date, remember all the sexy shit I was typing to you?
I sent you that sexy picture with the pineapple
over my penis and I blamed it on auto correct.
- [Ariel] Yeah. - It wasn't auto correct.
- I said it. - Okay, okay.
My turn, imagine we're together... alone.
I'm standing right next to you.
you can feel my body on yours
- and I whisper in your ear... - Smile, you're on camera!
[Ariel screaming] - [Logan] Lele, what the actual fuck?
[bird shrieks] - This is gonna be the best video ever!
Delete that now!
No, it's gonna get a million likes.
It's not all about likes you know.
What, are you fucking stupid?
[Lele screams]
- [Lele screaming and puffing] - [Logan grunting]
- [shatters] - [both screaming]
[shouting]
[both screaming]
[Logan panting]
Delete, delete, delete it, Lele, delete it!
Logan, are you all right?
[Lele shouting]
- [clattering] - [Logan grunting]
[both screaming]
- Suck it, bitch! - [Logan screaming]
- [Logan groans] - [Lele panting and grunting]
[rock music]
[bird wings flapping]
- [crunches] - [screams]
- Delete. - I hate you!
- I hate you. - You're girlfriend's a computer!
- Jesus. - [Lele screams]
- Oh my god. - [bird chirps]
- [door slams] - [gasping] Thanks buddy.
[Logan panting] Sorry about that, babe.
[sighs] Oh man can't get any privacy around here.
- Okay. - Hey Logan, you seen the email?
- What! Ow! Ah! - [clatters]
- [scoffs] I'll talk to you later, Logan. - No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck, man. I was getting somewhere.
Bro what are you... what are you in here doing man, I worry about you.
That's not your girlfriend, she's not a real girlfriend,
she's a computer girlfriend.
Huge difference, real girlfriend, ump-ump
computer girlfriend, eh-eh-eh, you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah. - And I hate to break it down
but your girlfriend probably got a dick.
This convention is gonna be the fucking tits!
[chuckles] What convention?
You didn't hear about #acon?
Bro it's the biggest social media convention ever.
[whizzing sound] - Yeah man, #acon. Everyone's gonna be there.
It's gonna be awesome. How do you not know about this?
[phone dings]
Okay, uh, seriously, what is #acon?
Who the hell cares, people get laid at conventions.
- [Nick] Yeah they do. - Okay.
- Really? - Huh.
- Is that like a thing? - Is that what, was that English?
Like a thing, sorry, I was born in Mexico.
Yeah, that's literally why they invented conventions, so you can fuck.
[Nick] It's like the only place you can cheat on your wife and get a free gift basket.
The gift baskets, uh, but the cheating.
- So this means... - You can have sex finally.
[Juanpa moans] Ooh.
- [shattering] - [Juanpa screams]
No more virginity!
[all cheering and screaming]
- Yeah Juanpa. - I'm not gonna be a virgin, Logan!
- Let's do it! - [all cheering and screaming]
We're all gonna be on the same fucking flight.
- Are you ready, man? - What, no, no, no. What...
[clears throat] We... Do we have to fly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah Logan, yeah.
Uh, then I can't go.
No Logan, por favor not again.
[Juanpa in echo voice] Why can't you fly Logan?
[quiet music]
[young Juanpa] You can do it, Logan, you can do it!
It's gonna go on YouTube.
I don't know, looks pretty high from up here.
You're wearing a helmet, use your wings, you big pussy.
Alright, here it goes.
My foreign exchange brother Logan is going to fly.
[screaming] Oh shit!
- [cracking] - Logan!
- How bad is it? - You broke your femurs.
[screams]
[screaming fades away]
That's how I got these.
- [Logan sighs] - [Lele snorts]
- Whoa. - That's the dumbest story I've ever heard.
You ain't the fucking Wright Brothers motherfucker, alright?
And pull your pants up, the scars bring out the bitch in you.
[all laughing]
You a nasty bitch,
- you a nasty bitch. - [all laughing and screaming]
[Logan] Come on stop, stop, guys, stop.
Guys, I'm not going and stop jumping, we have termites!
Shut the fuck up and jump with us!
The termites!
[Bach] Termites? Fuck the shitty termites.
[Bach] Ain't anybody worried about no goddamn termites.
- [upbeat music] - [termites screeching]
[squealing]
Seriously, everyone needs to stop jumping now!
Yo, stop being a biggity bitch okay?
- Sorry. - Ain't no termites gonna chew through
this floor on my watch, I ain't gonna let it happen.
And second off you ain't gonna tell a black man
that he can't jump, I know my rights motherfucker
and I'm gonna jump. I'm gonna jump!
I'm gonna jump.
- [crashing] - [crying out]
- [Bach] What the fuck? - You guys good?
- [Juanpa] What happened? - [Piques] My dick.
How did you land like that?
[Juanpa] It's time to get over your fear of flying, man.
If you won't do it for her, do it for my virginity.
- [microwave beeps] - Please. Por favor.
Not gonna happen buddy, sorry.
Oh, it just would have been fun to tear up Australia with you.
[intense musical buildup]
- Australia? - Yeah, but it's fine,
I'll just call a hooker she can do the job.
- It's in Australia? - Yeah, bro, Australia.
Imagine all the stuff we can do there, man,
- kangaroos, wallaby's, shrimp on the barbie. - Shrimp on the barbie.
Marsupials, motherfucker, dingo's eating babies,
and you get to see the girl who lives in your computer.
Real titties, soft nipples, uh?
Hey, you talking about computer titties in there?
[from other room] Hey, let me tell you something about
these Australian hoes.
They're crazy, they're like boomerangs.
[Bach] You throw them away they come right back
and suck your dick, mate.
"Hey, can I suck your dick, mate?" I'm like,
"Yeah, you can do it.
Now put your back into it".
- Alright. - Uh-huh.
I know I'm gonna regret this.
But let's do it!
[cheering and shouting]
- [explodes and whacks] - Oh, sh... Okay.
Ah! That's amazing, babe, you're gonna love it here, I promise.
I dunno I heard actually it's pretty gnarly.
- What do you mean? - Like deadly spiders, and snakes and shit.
Oh yeah, we've got a lot of spiders.
- But they're not like everywhere, right? - Yeah, look it.
- [screaming] - Holy shi...
- [spider screeching] - [Ariel grunting]
- [whacking] - [grunts]
- This is my spider stick. - [Logan gasps]
You're so brave for coming to Australia, Logan,
- I can't believe you're coming. - I am absolutely terrified but I'm coming.
- [knocking on door] - Crikey, I have to go, bye.
- [connection shuts down] - [banging]
[sighs] Okay.
Time to say goodbye, old friend.
[squeaking voice] One more time for old time's sake.
No. You're making this harder than it has to be.
- That's what I was hoping for. - [Logan sighs]
- Fine, but don't tell Ariel. - I never would.
- Thanks. - [ominous voice] That bitch is gonna die.
[ominous music]
- What? - I mean... Uh... I was made to fly.
Anyways, er, rub me on your cock.
- What? - [ominous voice] Did I stutter?
- No. - [ominous voice] Then fucking rub me on your fucking cock!
Wee!
[radio presenter] Super psychedelic stuff from Stones
and the groovy A-M-V-N. The moment...
[in Russian accent] You boys want some water?
- No, thanks man. - Nah, we good fam.
Appreciate you.
- Then maybe some cocaine? - Sure.
[snorting and moaning] - What? Juanpa what the f... What the fuck?
I mean he's offering. Shut, shut the fuck up.
- You're not doing cocaine on the way to the airport. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Holy shit. Yo, Vitaly's on our flight.
Apparently he's gonna Australia to stand trial.
[chuckles] - Wait. Why is Vitaly going to stand trial?
Look if you weren't so knee deep in
computer pussy you'd know what's going on.
[ dramatic music]
I'll take it from here, blind side.
[jingling]
Welcome to hell. [sardonic laughter]
Augh! Two for flinching.
- [girl] Bye mom. - [mom] Bye.
- [girl] Bye dad. - [dad] Bye.
[mom] Have a great time.
[airport announcements]
- I'm gonna miss you, Mom. - I'm gonna miss you.
[Bach] Now that's a close family.
Must be European.
Must be nice.
Must be down to fuck.
[Bach] Hey, ya'll wanna adopt a black man?
I'm gonna go shove this weed in my ass.
I got to check in with immigration.
- You good? - Not really.
[sighs]
Hide your knives, hide your drugs,
and hide your liquors 'cause we searching everybody around here.
[electrical whirring]
[electrical whizz]
Step out.
- Do you possess any explosives? - Nope just this bomb ass pussy.
[coughing]
- How you going, buddy? That's adorable that bag. - Here you go.
Thank you, it's actually brand new.
- I just got it from the store. - Oh yeah?
- Yeah. - Cool story man.
- Be, be... - [shredding sound]
Come on man, what the fuck?
- [shredder stops] - Next.
- What was that? - Here you go.
- Whoa. - [swooshing]
- [whacks] - [woman screams]
[groaning]
My uterus.
- Hey where's Juanpa? - Immigration.
[hens cackling]
Deported.
[mariachi music]
- Hey, how are ya? Deported. - [bangs]
Oh sweet Jesus, definitely deported.
[bangs]
Well, hello young man, are you a citizen
- of these United States of America? - Si.
- I smell bullshit, deported. - No! Ow! Wait, look,
I wanna have sex, just send me to Australia.
- That can be arranged. - Ah, thank you, sir.
[clucking]
Whoa. Benny?
Oh my god, long time no see.
[snoring]
Um. Is... he's supposed to be sleeping?
Chill, Logan.
[snoring]
[alarm blaring]
[policeman] Bag check.
What, why?
- Sir. - I just have a laptop.
You've been randomly selected
by our advanced safety algorithm
for an extensive anal cavity search.
I got 911 reasons not to trust this guy.
[crying out]
Whoa. You know you have to ex-ray that bird.
Well, he's, er, like a lapdog, he can't fly.
I don't know if that bird is a terrorist.
Check the damn bird. Thank you. [chuckles]
[chirps]
Sir, the bird, it's over three fluid ounces,
you're gonna have to check it.
- Come on, he's got scoliosis. - Hum.
Ma'am no twerking in my machine.
- I wasn't twerking. - I'm just making sure.
[swooshing and shattering noise]
[chirping]
[dramatic chord]
[dramatic music]
[distorted voices]
[distorted screaming]
No, you can't make me!
You can't make me!
No, no, no, no!
- [crunches] - Ow, ow!
Okay, okay.
I'm scared.
[girl] Wait guys, wait for me.
[thuds]
[girl groaning]
[bangs]
Wait, stop, hey!
[thudding]
Wait.
[sighs and exhales]
As passengers in the emergency row are you willing
and capable to assist in the event of an emergency?
Alright, good enough.
No, no I'm fucking not!
Well, luckily for you the passenger in 2E
just passed away so I can upgrade you to first class if you like.
- Passed away? - Mm hm.
What do you mean passed away?
[eerie music]
[cart rattles]
One for you, there you are. [chuckles]
Yeah, mm-hum, hi there you go.
[chuckles] Alright, there you are, sir.
Hey, Juanpa you made it.
They searched my cavities man.
I've never been to a dentist like this before.
[attendant] Alright, move it along, here we go.
Keep going, all the way back.
[Juanpa] Frosty, uh, my last taste of America.
[indistinct chatter]
[phone dings]
[phone dinging]
Ah, shit.
[phone dinging]
Ew.
Auto correct.
- Are you looking at naked pictures on your phone? - No.
Yeah, yeah you were.
No, I... I mean, yeah I was but it's my mom.
You're staring at a naked photo of your mom?
- No! Yes. Look I... I mean... - Oh my gosh.
- Ugh. - Technically yes, it was my mom, technically
yes she was naked but it's not like...
I don't think we've met, hi, I'm Logan.
- Jenna. - Hi Logan, I'm Jenna.
- What? - Okay, well, I'm...
- I think we got off on the wrong foot. - Cool.
[both chuckle]
Really looking forward to the next 17 hours of this.
Yeah, me to.
- [Jenna] Let me just move in. - If that helps.
[Jenna groans]
[upbeat music]
Welcome aboard Koalair flight 1524 to Sidney, Australia.
- Koality you can trust. - Trust.
[lisping] This is your captain Trussell with co-pilot Penis.
[co-pilot] First of all it's pronounced Penis,
I come from a proud Celtic heritage.
- I'd like to thank you for choosing Koalair. - [captain] Shut up.
We know you have many choices in air travel
and we are always surprised when you choose us.
- Argh. - I think that went pretty well.
That was killer annunciation bro.
You know I've been taking this new speech therapy class
and I think my lisp is gone.
[mimicking lisp] I can barley notice it.
You're so handsome,
you look just like your daddy.
Even though he ran off with that cheating whore
but your so cute, yes you are.
We're gonna find you a new daddy.
Yes we are, with way more money.
So, er, you gonna the social media convention?
- Oh, no, I'm visiting my sweetheart from the war. - Oh.
He's on his deathbed
- and I promised him... - Oh I'm sorry.
one more ride on the merry go around.
Ah, cool.
Oh, by the way I don't mean to scare you
but I sleep with my eyes open.
[chuckles]
[chuckles and gulps]
- Hello? Uh... - Oh.
- Oh. Oh boy. - Lick your lips.
- Oh! - Uh-oh.
- Mwah. - Whoa. Fucking A.
And I was left with...
these bad boys. Yeah.
Oh my god.
You probably think I'm an idiot, huh?
Check this out.
[Logan laughing] Oh my god! You have femur scars.
- Matching femur scars. - Oh yeah, we have matching femur scars.
- [Logan] This is weird, this is weird. - It is weird,
- most people don't even know what a femur is. - [shushes]
How do we...? Ah.
- [man] Keep it down up there. - It's fine.
How did you get yours?
Not to freak you out but plane crash.
Like a... Like the fucking...
Uh...
What the fuck? God, what the fuck.
- [panting] - [laughs]
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
- no one survives those, no. - [chuckles]
- I like to play out in your head though. That was funny. - Okay.
- [laughing] - Aah.
- No. - You got me good, you got me good.
- You have a weird sense of humor. - [chuckles]
But I like it. [chuckles]
- But how'd that happen actually? - Ah. Drug deal went south,
they brought hammers, so.
Y... What kind of drugs?
Whoa look at all this leg room.
It's crazy.
I can't even reach my tray table.
[grunting and puffing]
Jesus Christ.
[laughing]
Hey, fucking stop having fun!
[upbeat music]
[voiceover] Look at you, my little fluffy haired cum scarf.
- Oh. - Am I following along at the right place?
[voiceover] That seat back isn't gonna be the only thing
in the upright position. [sighs]
- I dunno. - [voiceover] I'm gonna break you in
like a new pair of sneakers, Vans, damn Daniel.
I'm gonna ride you like a pogo stick
and fill you up like you forgot to say when.
I'm gonna fist you at the Four Seasons pool in broad daylight.
I'll stretch your tight little ass like goatskin drum.
I can hear you.
[indistinct radio announcement]
[screams]
Mmm.
Aww.
Oh, whoa, stop, stop.
[engine rumbles]
Hey, you can do this.
[upbeat music]
Don't be a little bitch, alright?
Please turn your cellular
and electronic devices to airplane setting.
Hey fuck that.
- I'd rather die than turn my shit off. - [cheers]
- I'm ready to die so you kill me motherfucker. - We want full cell service!
♪ Say what you want fools That's right fools ♪
♪ I'd call you out But it's not news ♪
♪ The world knows it Your girl knows it ♪
♪ You not one of them Tight dudes ♪
♪ We watch you We know the type ♪
♪ Loud mouth like a motor bike ♪
♪ I don't know why We let you live ♪
♪ Chalk it up to an over sight ♪
♪ A real man makes up his mind ♪
♪ Don't cry about it He'll laugh about it ♪
♪ Real men live forever ♪
Aw shit, we're going the wrong way.
Oh my goodness, I believe
we are going in the wrong direction.
We got to flip a bitch.
We will now flip a bitch.
The aviation term for turning the plane around.
Coming about!
[screaming]
It's a video, got your dumb ass.
I fly all the time.
[dial tone] - I can't talk right now mom, I'm on a fucking plane!
- What the hell is going on? - Aw.
What... Did you spill on the console again?
No I didn't spill, dad.
We are getting major satellite interference
- for some reason. - No, that's no satellite interference.
Wait, do you think that they...?
It's the cell phones.
[laughing]
They didn't turn off their cell phones.
Everyone knows that you put your phone
in airplane mode.
Don't be so fucking naive Penis.
My name is Penis.
It is a Celtic name.
God damn it, what the hell is going on.
Hey you motherfuckers, turn off your fucking cellphones.
- [electrical crackling] - Dad!
- [electrical zapping] - [crying out]
[alarm blaring]
[musical chord]
♪ We're gonna live forever ♪
[sniffing and licking]
Flying ain't so bad.
Hey, look at my little doggie.
- [Logan] Aw. - Isn't he cute?
- [Logan] Yeah, he is. - Yeehaw.
- Yeah, that's my baby. - That's good.
- Whoa, whoa. - Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah. - No. Um...
Who is that shirtless hunk?
I'm getting as far away from that cheating prick
as possible, hence Australia.
Oh damn, my bad.
You know I know what it's like to be cheated on.
Yeah this one time during midterms this Asian girl
kept looking over at all my answers.
Which I ironic you know because she's Asian,
I should be cheating off of her.
But it... I see how that's different now
that the words have come out of my mouth.
What's your Instagram?
I don't have social media.
What do you mean when you say that?
I mean like I'd rather just be living my life instead of
- worrying if people are gonna like and comment on it. - Wow.
- Are you with the #amegacon thing? - No, no, kind of, no.
- Wow. - No, no. I'm actually going to Australia
to visit my girlfriend for the first time.
[Lele] Your girlfriend's a computer!
Fuck you, Lele.
Check out how pretty she is.
- Home screen. - Whew! Home screen official.
Yeah, she's, she's gorgeous.
[knocks]
Hey, boys. [chuckles]
Oh my god. Oh!
I am so sorry. Oh jeez, sorry, sorry about that okay.
[groaning and panting]
Oh. Huh.
This would happen to me on my first day. [chuckles]
[sighs] Humph.
[high pitch voice]
[engine rumbles]
[announcer] Attention, all passengers. We have reached
our cruising altitude of 38,000 feet,
it is now safe to unfasten your seat belts.
Unfasten? You mean turn up?
[all cheering]
[upbeat music]
♪ Come here we go Through the rhythm move ♪
♪ You ain't got a lot ass You got a little bit though ♪
♪ Always ignore my phone When I'm sick of a hoe ♪
♪ I take a white bitch Back home when I'm alone ♪
♪ Sower's in the back seat Louis riding shotgun ♪
♪ Girl on the rebound I'm Dennis Rodman ♪
♪ These girls get mad When they chasing me ♪
♪ True Hollywood story Let's take some heat ♪
♪ Friends try to cock block like Chris Hanson ♪
♪ Straight to the bathroom I'm done dancing ♪
♪ Posers in the stall 'Cause I'm bring romance ♪
♪ I murder girls 69 Like Charles Manson ♪
♪ Bass getting louder Sounds like a bullet ♪
♪ Nose full of powder Mouth full of bullshit ♪
♪ Dick never prouder sly that A girls fit tits falling out ♪
♪ Don't stop it's working Undress us with your eyes ♪
♪ And you can't stop drooling Keep it in your pants girl ♪
♪ Who are you fooling But you may give you
♪ A flight you'll never forget ♪
[moaning]
[upbeat music]
[voiceover] You can't hear my thoughts.
- Yes I can, Bruce. - [Bruce Voiceover] Stop it.
- [humming] - [clattering]
[gasps] Oh score, oh my god, alright, well.
[humming]
Oh, hey, bulimic, get out of there. that stuff costs money.
- What... What am I... - [vocalizes]
I speak goat to, you are a basic bitch.
What if I let you lick one of my nipples?
I wouldn't fuck your brother even if we was hot.
Okay, what about if I told you I had a penis?
Here's the deal, you are a skinny, ratchet ass,
basic bitch who goes to Cancun for spring break
- and will put anything in her mouth, got it? - What?
Take your brunette extensions, your skinny,
weird, Selena Gomez look alike bullshit,
- go get on your phone and go find a cock to suck. - Well...
Shhh. You're a basic bitch, get out of my liquor.
[baby babbling]
[cart clattering]
- Coffee, sir? - Yes please.
Okay and how would you like it?
Like I like my women, black and full of cream.
You kiss like my dad.
- Let's just pretend you didn't say that, okay? - Okay.
There you go.
The fuck?
You're next.
Hey, guys just wanted to let you know
I didn't see anything, you're still going.
You're still going at it. Okay, sorry.
I still didn't see anything.
- [baby babbling] - Oh, ho-ho-ho. There you are.
Oh, you're an escape artist just like your daddy.
Mm. Huh?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry. Where are my manners,
you must be hungry comrade, huh?
You want some banana, huh?
You want a little banana? Here you go.
Why don't you eat that, there you go.
[policeman] Why don't you take that all?
Yeah that's what I thought,
that's what I thought.
You want some cheese, pal, you got cheese in Russia?
Oh, you got a built in cheese grater right there,
look at you, huh, look at you.
What does that taste like, borsht?
What else? Oh, Choco-taco.
I hope you're not dairy intolerant there, Ruski.
How's that? Oh yeah, oh yeah.
[wild west music]
What the fuck you looking at, Aladdin?
Nothing, what's your problem?
I got no problem, I'm just racist.
I do respect queers though. They've been through a lot.
Now you got that gay marriage.
Used to be what they'd do is illegal.
Now they got shows about it.
- I binge watch. - Okay, dude.
Is he still looking? Yeah.
[engine rumbles]
And that's how I lost 15 percent of my right testicle.
Yup, a dwarf in a Godzilla costume, can you imagine?
I don't have to imagine, you just told me every last detail.
There's nothing more I could possibly learn about your balls.
Oh you'd be surprised, they could do a whole 60 minute special on my balls.
Does your Internet girlfriend know about your deflated testicle?
It's not deflated and no,
we have not crossed that bridge yet.
Alright, I'm sorry I got to ask,
how can you love someone you never actually met?
- She makes me snort. - What?
She's funny, she's got a great sense of humor,
- I know it's cheesy but... - Bro, I could make you snort in two seconds.
No you could not, okay.
It's practically impossible to make me laugh.
It takes someone creative, it takes someone original.
- Got to make a good joke to make me laugh. - Argh!
[splatters]
[laughs and snorts]
[snorts]
- Aw. Does this mean that you love me? - Ah...
- [sneezes] - [Jenna screams]
By the way, thanks for pepping me up earlier.
I know it may not have seemed like much but it really helped.
Yeah, yeah, no problem Logan.
Alright, I am going to try to get some sleep
and hopefully not dream of dwarfzilla.
Or swollen balls.
- Yeah. - [chuckling] Am I right?
Yeah, okay goodnight.
I'm gonna nominate your shoulder as my pillow, okay.
[upbeat music]
Did you really just wipe your snot on my shoulder?
No.
Is this shit?
Oh, okay, thank God.
[suspenseful music]
[snoring]
[engine rumbles]
[knocks]
Hey, I have noticed that the seatbelt sign has been off
for the last several hours and I just think that... Oh!
That is very unprofessional
and unsafe and Jesus Christ
are you gonna suck his dick all the way to Australia?
Fuck it! I'll finish him off.
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
Oh my god!
[dramatic musical buildup]
[flight attendant gasping]
[flight attendant gasping and crying]
We need your assistance in the cockpit, sir.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Sir, we really need your assistance in the cockpit.
You're crazy if you think I'm gonna let
this soviet psychopath sit back here alone.
Sir, with all due respect this is more important.
Do you know what this guy's capable of?
He is the reason you have your privates scanned
at the airport, and I hate having my privates scanned.
I had my dick lobbed off by a pottery wheel.
Now my dick looks like the stump at the end of the giving tree.
Oh.
If you so much as flinch
I will make you a member of the dick stump club.
There are three of us.
We meet on Wednesdays.
Damn it.
[dramatic music]
- What the fuck is on his mouth? - I just thought they were making oral love,
- I had no idea that they were... - Oh you had no idea.
- You had no idea? - [attendant] No.
TAS article 1219 clearly states
- no pilot shall engage in dick suckery without a spotter. - What?
- Dick suckery? - How would I know that?
- Cause that's your job. - It's not my job. - Is everything okay?
Hey, go back to your seat. ok?
Go back to your seat now
or I'm gonna tase you till you shit.
What happened to the pilots?
Hey look, just be quiet, okay,
we don't want the rest of the plane
to know the pilots are dead, we're fucked.
Dead, the pilots are dead?
- Holy fucking shit. - I came in here. And I found them like that and I was like,
"Oh my god what do I do", and then I went and got him.
- And now it's... - Alright listen. Shut up, shut up
both of you calm down, okay? Listen to me.
- Hey over here, over here, over here. - Ok, ok.
Listen to me, okay, I'm trained for situations like this.
You go get me a car battery,
a tourniquet, and a bendy straw.
I'll have these zombie pilots flying in no time.
Sir, we don't have anymore bendy straws.
- Oh fuck! - Fuck.
- Alright. - We are so fucked.
I'm just gonna have to land this plane myself.
- You can fly? - There are two things in my life that I love.
Flying jets and pottery.
- I gave my dick for it. - Oh.
I'm gonna land this plane and we're gonna be just fine.
- [cracking] - Argh!
[attendant groans]
[Logan] Holy shit.
[engine rumbles]
- [man] Ahh. - Hey boss had a bit of radio silence
from flight 1524 from Los Angeles.
Oi, well you know what they say, "Silence is golden", huh,
especially from Los Angeles. Bunch of fucking hippies.
Hipsters. What the fuck is Coachella anyway?
Where's my baby?
[baby babbles]
Is that a baby? Is that a baby?
Oh shit.
[mom] Have you seen my baby?
A baby.
Hi baby.
[mom] Have you seen my baby?
Have you see my baby?
What did I find?
Aw, you look starving. Come on.
Sir, sir... hi, as much as I love that Versace blouse
you are cannot breast feed that baby right here.
Really?
Well I think I can breast feed
this random baby wherever the fuck I want.
- [whispering] No you can't. No you can't. - [man] Okay?
God gave me nipples and I'll be damned
if I don't use them, okay?
Okay, well, little science lesson,
men don't produce breast milk incidentally so, ah.
[squirting] Aw, oh, no.
It's a miracle.
Oh God, you're a squirter.
Yeah, yeah milk facial.
- [baby babbles] - Who wants a milk mask?
I didn't, uh, sir I didn't realize.
Wait, open your mouth one more time. Ah.
- [squirts] - Oh, oh, okay. Oh.
[man] What's that? That's not diet Coke, bitch.
A little in the mouth, okay never mind thank you.
Idiot.
Hi, how are you?
This is my baby.
You want some milk?
I got two of these motherfuckers right here.
[whistling]
[dramatic music]
[crying out]
[coughs]
Oh shit, I have a boner.
Oh no, no, no, no. Oh no, no, no.
No, sir, please wake up sir, please wake up sir.
Please wake up sir, oh God, sir!
Okay, okay.
Alright look.
[sputtering]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up, please wake up.
[sputtering]
Oh God, no, no, no, no.
Okay, okay, sir, please wake up.
Please wake up, sir, one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
[dramatic music]
[sputters]
[crying] Please sir, please.
Fuck!
Some day all of this will be yours.
[squirting]
[engine rumbles]
[muttering]
- Juanpa. - What do you want?
It's getting to the best part,
she's putting the tongue, oh, look at it, oh yeah.
[clangs]
Damn it, Log, what do you want bro?
[man] Can get that crow bar back?
Juanpa, we need to talk.
Now. Now!
Oh shit.
- [camera clicks] - [Logan] You taking a selfie?
Yeah it's lit. Argh!
Should we try CPR?
No man, I already tried that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So this means you made out with a guy?
- Juanpa, this is not the time. - Was it nice? Um...
- What? - It must be nice.
- Dude, focus please. - Yeah.
[suspenseful music]
They're actually dead, bro.
Aw, nah, nah, nah.
What, what should we do?
I don't know. Maybe someone else has a plan.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah that's a great idea, Log,
who should we get, oh Brittany Furlan?
Who wants a body shot?
Or the guy who makes me doubt my sexuality, huh?
[cheerful chord]
Maybe King Bach, he's your buddy right?
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Think straight.
You're right, everyone will panic.
I need you to figure this out, okay?
I need to put my seed into a woman's vagina before I die.
Okay, you go do that, you go do that,
because I'm probably gonna crash this plane.
- Alright, one of us has to succeed, okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay. - One of us will.
- One of us. - Yeah.
Probably you.
[upbeat music]
♪ Don't that feel Real funky ya'll ♪
Brittany, I want to take a body shot.
Okay, come here, bitch.
Jenna?
- Hey, Jenna? - [snorting]
- Hey. - Oh, hey stranger, where you been?
Um... Can we talk for a second?
Are you seriously asking if you can say something to me?
You're talking to me while you're saying this.
So, so can we or...
[mimics radio static] Amber alert, we've got a missing person
aisle in seat 2E, suspect, looks like he's been crying.
I'm not crying.
[crying]
Vitaly killed them and both of the pilots are already dead
and I'm really scared right now,
'cause no one is flying this plane right now Jenna
and I'm really scared and you're
the only person I can trust to help.
Okay that's adorable and a really good story
but we land in a few hours. I'm gonna try to sleep - No, no.
- ...and you're gonna try to get your shit together. - No, no, no.
Please, please, please, Jenna
please just follow me, okay?
You need to see this.
These pilots better be dead.
[dramatic music]
- Oh shit. I jinxed it. - Yeah, I know right, what are the odds?
Hey, you wouldn't by chance know how to drive a 767, would ya?
We're all gonna die!
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
- [screams] - Calm down, calm down.
Do you know how to drive a 767?
You unlucky bastard!
- Okay. - [Jenna yelling]
Okay, breath Jenna breath, breath, breath.
Okay, Namaste, Namaste.
Namaste, yeah, yeah, that's right, that's good.
Okay, okay.
There's a murderer on this plane
and I'm gonna have to die with this loser
and all his loser friends but that's fine.
I know my god it's not fine, I'm not even having a good hair day.
What about my open casket, this plane will probably fuck my face up.
- Jenna, Jenna, Jenna, Jenna! - I need my face, what!
We need to figure this out.
Now, for the last time,
do you know how to drive a 767?
- No, I don't know how to fly a 767. - Come on.
So I'm just gonna go back to my seat
and look at pictures of my dog until we crash.
[Jenna in echo voice] Until we crash, we crash, we crash...
Hey buddy. I heard you took quite the little crash.
Okay, let see what the problem is.
[pukes]
You puked on my bones!
I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Ew.
Are you okay?
[farts]
What was that?
The flight attendants, they'll know what to do.
Did you just fart?
But where did they go?
We got to find them.
[mumbling]
Surprise.
[mumbling]
What the hell is wrong with you?
What's wrong, you don't like pranks?
We don't like what, I couldn't understand you, what?
Amber alert, somebody's missing
a sense of humor down in the luggage.
Amber Alert was my drag name.
[screams]
Okay.
The flight attendants are nowhere to be found
- but I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, right? - How is it gonna be fine, Logan?
I don't know but they probably figured out how to save the day.
We're in an emergency right now, you can't,
you can't just sit there. We need to do something.
Press this button and the flight attendants will come.
Don't press the button, that's not for emergencies,
- that's for fucking water. - Please.
Wow, okay, at least have the balls to do something.
Oh my god, I just hit the jackpot.
How is this all free?
You're a mother.
- [mother] Oh, fuck. - Give me these.
- [mother] Jesus. - Damn, you have a baby.
You're supposed to have seven of those but, you know.
Taking care of business. [chuckles]
[young Juanpa voiceover] You can do it, Logan, you can do it.
[Juanpa voiceover] If you won't do it for her, do it for my virginity.
[young Juanpa] Use your wings you big pussy, pussy...
[Jenna] What are you doing here?
I'm gonna drive this plane.
[suspenseful music]
[exhales]
[clicking]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, do you even know what you're doing?
No, but I'm a fast learner.
[rattles]
Great, well, I hope that wasn't important.
Hey, hey check it out I think I've figured out the radio.
[man on radio] Air traffic control to flight 1524?
Air traffic control to flight 1524?
Oh my god you're there, hello.
Aye, Benji here.
Been trying to talk to you guys for ages.
Yeah Benji, we're here man.
[Benji] I take it you're not the pilots?
Uh, no, no, my name is Logan Paul.
You're not a terrorist, are you mate?
No, I'm a social media sensation.
We're a bit full of ourselves, aren't we, mate?
Why don't you stroke the tip a bit more?
- What? - What happened to the pilots, mate?
- They're dead. - No worries, mate.
- What happened to the flight attendants? - They're missing.
- Slight worry but don't worry, we'll take care of ya. - Really?
Amber Alert, missing flight attendants of flight 1524.
[chuckles]
What was that? Aussie joke mate,
you wouldn't get the reference. Okay.
It appears you guys are a bit off course
so I'm gonna punch in some new coordinates,
all you have to do is engage the auto pilot
and the plane will literally land itself.
Oh. That's great news, yeah.
You'll be a bloody hero, mate.
Yeah, yeah! [laughing]
Now you've got to raise the auto pilot lever
and engage the system.
Okay, what does it look like?
Big orange stick mate, can't miss it.
Um, can you be a little more specific?
It literally says autopilot right on the thing there, mate.
Um.
Is that all it says?
[thumping]
Big orange lever,
center console, are you bloody color blind?
It's the only thing between you and certain death.
I broke it.
- I'm sorry what? - I broke off the autopilot by accident.
Sir?
Sir, you there?
[Jenna sighs]
Crikey. It would appear there are now a few more worries
than my original estimate of no worries.
- How bad is it? - You're fucked, mate.
- Oh my god. - [clattering]
[Jenna] Oh my god.
What do you mean I'm fucked?
That's a great question.
Well, you're all types of fucked!
You're totally fucked, you're completely fucked.
You're like a parrot getting raped.
- [parrot voice] You're fucked, I'm fucked. - Yeah.
You're a little boy in a windowless van,
you're fucked and you're gonna die.
Speaking of which I don't like talking to dead people,
it really bums me out so I'm gonna cut out early
for lunch if no one minds and, uh, grab a quick bite.
Right, feeling a bit peckish.
I mind, I definitely do mind.
Well, too bad you're going to be dead soon, Benji out.
Alright, who wants tacos?
- What a dick. - How could you break the autopilot?
It's not like I did it on purpose.
Oh, oh you didn't do it on purpose?
Well, that's great, everything's just fine then,
right, 'cause Logan didn't do it on purpose.
Give me this stupid thing.
No, no, no. Um, pay, pay no mind to the sound of struggle.
We are fine and smooth as silk.
- [Jenna] Logan, they need to know. - Jenna, no they don't.
I know you're probably terrified right now and I am too,
but what you're doing is not helping.
So just give me the intercom, just hey.
Aw fuck, hey guys if you look to your right
and also to your left you will notice
the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean.
[clicks tongue] Oh, the ocean that's so romantic.
[chuckling] Okay, take your fucking shot, Juanpa.
Woohoo!
We have to do something.
Yeah, yeah I mean it can be that hard, right?
We'll first we can move these bodies I mean
they're really starting to smell.
[Jenna] Yeah. Up we go.
Oh, I'm impressed.
Yeah, moving corpses is easy.
[gags]
Oh no, just dry heaves.
- [Jenna] Okay. - I won't throw up.
- [burps] - [farts]
I'm sorry.
Nice.
[engine rumbles]
[slurping]
Ew.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Have you seen my baby?
No?
Oh your breath stinks.
Have you seen my baby?
- No. - [baby babbling]
Oh sir, have you seen my baby?
Your baby's missing?
Yeah.
I know your plight, I'm a new mother myself.
I'll help you find him, what does he look like?
Uh, he's a baby and he's white
and he's got little arms.
Is this your baby?
Hey.
Uh...
I don't think so.
Look lady, I'm not Dog the fucking baby hunter.
Okay, this baby that I found simply doesn't have
the wherewithal to raise itself
and that's where I come in.
That really looks...
Why you touch baby?
Who do you think you are?
Walking around drunk around this plane losing babies.
You smell like Jack Daniels's dick.
I'm so sorry.
You get the fuck out of our face and you leave us alone.
Why do men hate me so much?
Because it's so easy.
[cries]
Boo fucking hoo.
[crying]
Do you know what would be a hilarious prank?
[cries out]
If we poisoned every passenger on this plane.
- No, no. - Tell me where the emergency oxygen supply is.
Never.
- Never? - Never.
[crying]
- Never? - [Bruce] No.
Tell me how I access the oxygen,
or I'll feed this dog cat food.
[both screaming]
- Never! God no! - [Bruce screams]
Whoa!
The poor dog, no.
[Bruce screaming]
[Vitaly] Good doggy.
[Bruce screaming]
That's not what he's supposed to eat.
It's in the safety glass by the door.
- Why did you tell him, bitch? - It's by the door.
- You're going to pay for that. - Thank you, thank you.
[Bruce crying] You're going to pay for that.
Oh God, no.
- [wind whistling] - [crying out]
One for me.
One for you.
[Bruce shouting] What are you doing?
By the way it was dog food the whole time.
What kind of a man feeds a dog cat food?
How sick do you think I am?
[screaming]
It's just a prank.
You're probably not gonna believe me when I tell you this
but you know most people think I'm this huge slut.
[chuckles]
But I've actually never even been with a man before.
Really? Maybe I can help you with that,
I've got some experience in that arena.
[laughing]
Aren't you like 16?
Seventeen.
Oh sorry, 17, my god. You're still illegal.
Hey, so what, we're all gonna die.
- What? - Okay, look my dick can't handle anymore.
The pilots are dead and Logan's flying the plane.
[laughs]
- What? - You're so cute, and funny, and Mexican.
That's not funny, I, I took a picture.
- Who is flying the plane? - Logan's flying the fucking plane, alright.
Listen, we've got nothing else left to lose.
This is either the most elaborate pick-up line
I've ever heard or we are really all gonna die.
Either way you're fucked.
Good point.
[cheerful upbeat music]
Oh my god.
[alarms beeping]
[engine rumbles]
Fuck is going on back there? Shit.
Son of a bitch. Hey, how the fuck you sleeping through this?
Wake your ass up. I'm sure we about too down in this bitch.
Wait, wait, I'm not on the pill.
Neither am I, neither am I.
♪ Oh shit ♪
Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah oh.
[screams]
[cries out]
- [dramatic chord] - [clangs]
[engine powering down]
[screaming]
[man] Oh, shit!
[camera clicks]
There's a solution to any problem.
A wise woman once said, "Shake it off..."
[screams]
Simba!
[screaming]
Give this video a thumbs up!
Give me that selfie stick, give me that selfie stick.
This is what panicking looks like.
[screaming]
[beeps]
[screaming]
Yo, flight 1524 we are out here.
Your boy came back like a movie star.
Follow me on Twitter at...
[Bach] Fuck you Vitaly!
- [thuds] - [dramatic chord]
Brittany?
Brittany, Brittany, wake up.
Wake up, wake up.
You're being selfish I need this.
I can tell you're breathing.
Are you there?
Leave Brittany alone.
[engine rumbles]
Hey guys, Nick Bateman here.
Now, all my life
people would tell me I'm really good looking.
That I turn straight guys gay, lesbians straight.
Gay guys, gayer.
But you know what, there's more
to me than just a pretty face. I'm also a junior pilot.
[sighs]
I don't know what's going on back there
but I'm either gonna save the day or die trying.
Fuck yeah man, fucking do it.
- Hooray! - [all] Hooray!
Yeah, let's do this, let's do this!
[chokes]
[sniffing]
[thud]
[Vitaly] Hey you, Yakuza.
Did you see anything, hum?
Jackie Chan?
Jackie, you, you see anything?
No? Shh.
[suspenseful music]
[sniffing & slurping]
[glass shatters]
[Vitaly as Bruce] Hello everybody, it's the homosexual flight helper.
The cabin pressure is still so low,
please put you oxygen masks back on. Thank you.
[whooshing]
[gas hissing]
[intense musical buildup]
[Bruce] Don't do it, Logan.
Vitaly kazed the oxygen supply.
Godspeed my little cream pie.
Jenna wait, don't put that on.
Why?
Something's wrong with the oxygen.
[signals beeping]
How do you know?
I hear gay people.
I have to go find him.
Logan no. Please, don't.
Damn it.
Hey you.
- [whacks] - [groaning]
[whooshes]
[Logan groaning]
- [wheeze] - Argh.
[pukes]
[screaming]
Ah, my dick.
[screaming]
[both screaming]
[shattering]
[Logan groaning]
[thud]
- [whacking] - [both screaming and groaning]
[water rushing]
My asshole, my asshole!
[shouting] Argh!
I think it turned inside out! Oh my god.
[shatters]
Nick!
[Vitaly] Ah, great.
[both groaning]
Not the vodka.
[groaning] Ow!
[shouting] Ow shit!
Holy shit, what the hell are you doing?
Completing my master prank.
There's no social media convention with all of you dead,
all of your followers will be mine. Imagine the power.
[thud]
- [cart clatters] - [shattering]
Wait, you've been pranked.
- What are you talking about? - It was just all a prank, bro.
Look closely, all these people are acting, see?
Look at this guy.
Hello, I'm okay.
You have been pranked.
- Nick? - See? Even that girls in on it.
- [whack] - [Logan groans]
Fuck you Vitaly!
[clang]
[grunting]
Oh shit, I have a boner.
Argh! Wha... Wake up you chiseled brute.
Oh, we are so fucking mcfucked.
This crazy Russian, he's gonna crash the plane
and he threw out all the parachutes except one.
Holy shit.
Is that dog eating cat food?
Logan, baby, it's dog food in a cat food can.
Oh thank God.
With a hint of Nick Bateman.
It's just a prank, bro, but I can assure you
your death will be very real.
Thanks for covering my tracks, Logan Paul.
I owe you one.
No, no, no, no, no, not the button, no, no that...
- [wind whistling] - [both screaming]
If I die I'm taking you with me, you fuck.
[Logan screaming]
Oh God I'm only 23, sort of.
I can't hold on anymore!
[Bruce screaming]
[wind whistling]
Tell my boyfriend Steve to hide all the pornography.
Maverick, no, no, no!
Maverick!
That's my bird!
[beeps]
Oh God, thank you, thank you, we're all together.
Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, hey.
[Bruce voiceover] Save the day cum sponge.
Hey Bruce.
Any final advice on how to land this plane?
If you can get to the cockpit, engage the autopilot.
The plane will literally land itself.
Okay. Erm...
[clicking]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[alarms beeping]
Vitaly, where is Jenna?
- [Logan screams] - [tearing]
[whooshing]
[shouts]
[grunts]
[epic music]
[cries out]
- [whack] - [groaning]
Nice try, ha.
- [Jenna] Ah! - Oh, shit, I am so sorry,
I thought I could jump kick Vitaly
and save the day, it would have been really cool.
Yeah, shut up and stop him!
Here.
[screaming]
- [whacks] - [groans]
- I hope you die! - Argh!
This is just a flesh wound,
have a safe flight, captain.
- Oomph! - Aww!
Oh shit. [screaming]
[splatter]
You'll be missed.
Do you get it? The jet engine turned him into mist.
Okay.
You got a plane to land.
I got this.
[boom]
- I don't got this. - Oh no, you do got this.
- I don't know if I got this. - I mean if you don't got this, then who got this?
I guess I'm gonna need to get this.
Oh this best going to get got then.
It will, it's best gone got and there ain't nobody better to go
- and get this than get me. - You got to get it while the goings good.
Oh the goings good and I'm at get it while the getting's good.
- You got to get it. - I'm gonna get it.
What the fuck are you people talking about?
- Get out there, come on. - I'm a get it.
You're gonna get it.
[engine rumbles]
[dramatic music]
- [screaming] - [alarms blaring]
Okay.
[young Juanpa] You can do it, Logan, you can do it.
You're not supposed to look down, just do it.
It's gonna go on YouTube.
[echoing] YouTube, YouTube...
- You two, you two, you two - [Jenna screams]
need to land this fucking plane.
I did not get laid Logan!
- Jenna, do you have service yet? - Er... Yeah. Yeah, yeah here.
Oh, well, this is great service.
Go on get the last scoop out of the carton.
With the squatty potty you get complete elimination.
- Skip the ad. - I can't, it won't let me.
Yes, it will give you the best poop of your life, guaranteed.
Argh! If I die because of this shit!
Umm. They're good at pooping.
Hey guys, it Connor and today I'm gonna
be teaching you how to land a passenger jet.
Flying is easy and with the right education
and guidelines almost anyone
can learn the secrets of flight.
- Amazing. Ok. - It's easy.
All you have to do is pay attention...
Nobody will watch your stupid videos.
Leave me alone, Becky.
Fuck you, Becky!
I'm telling mom about your abortion.
Fuck you.
Cool, okay, here are the basics.
This is the yoke, it's like the steering wheel
but here's the thing you need to know,
the controls are inverted
so, up is down, and down is up.
Oh.
[Connor] This knob controls the flaps.
The flaps give the plane lift and drag.
When landing you want the flaps fully extended.
Remember, were going for maximum air resistance.
- Turn the knob. - Okay, okay.
[electric whirring]
The most important part of landing is of course the...
Connor, your sister said you're
looking at anime porn again.
- She's lying. - [mother] That's gross.
- God damn it, Connor! - Fuck you, Becky!
When you get your own house you can masturbate then.
- Okay, let's just skip ahead here. - Yeah, skip that.
Once you've done that it's time to engage the auto pilot,
the plane with literally land itself, how cool is that?
It's okay.
- [clatters] - No, my phone.
[exhaling] Okay.
Hey what's that? What is...?
- [engine rumbles] - [mechanical whirring]
[Benji] By the grace of Steve Irwin
you're still magically on course.
- Way to go, mate. - Benji, is that you?
Sure is, mate, and by the look of it
you're still not out of the woods yet.
- What? - You're still quite fucked.
- How fucked? - Mate, you're missing an engine, you're running out of fuel,
and you're dropping like a dead albatross with diabetes.
Now normally I'd say check the cross winds,
20 knots from the southeast
but I'd bet my last dollar I do
you don't understand a word of that.
Yeah no shit I don't, Benji.
Just try to land on the white line, fly straight and pray
you don't explode on contact. And Logan.
- [Logan] What? - You owe me a dollar you do.
- I fucking hate you Benji! - Hey lose the tude, mate.
Benji, I swear to God if I survive this I'm...
Oi, wait a second, would you look at that?
That koala looks like Hugh Jackman.
I got to go bag me that koala.
Man the fort, Hansen.
Fuck the baby, I don't want to die.
[screaming]
[panting]
[screaming]
[Jenna screams]
- [engine rumbles] - [clattering]
[both screaming]
[all screaming]
- [monkey screeching] - Aw! What...
- [Jenna] What the fuck? - Get this fucking monkey off me.
Don't touch her.
[all screaming]
[swooshing]
[tires squealing]
[screaming]
Oh my god, Logan, Logan.
- Logan, we landed. - What?
- We landed. - Oh shit, oh my god.
We did it.
Oh, wait we're not stopping, why aren't we stopping?
All you have to do.
[both] Connor!
Okay, once you've landed
you're gonna want to hit the breaks with both feet.
[swishing]
Brakes.
[screaming]
[tires screeching]
Thanks for watching and don't forget to subscribe.
[cheering and applauding]
[engine powering down]
Oh my god, you did it.
[exhaling]
No Jenna, we did it.
Please don't ruin the moment with your cheesy bullshit.
[boom]
[Jenna screams]
We should probably get off this thing.
Following a hijacking
and an engine failure on board flight 1524
an incredible chain of events has led to the rescue...
Fuck her right in the pussy.
[screaming]
[laughing] Awesome!
[screams]
[upbeat music]
[Benji] Aye, mate.
Benji?
You're actually alive.
I owe you a dollar I do.
Don't worry about that.
Genuinely surprised to see you alive.
Took a lot of guts to do what you did today.
- [whacks] - [Benji grunting]
Hey buddy.
Hey man.
So?
- I failed, Log, I failed. - Aw.
- Oh, come on. - I guess blue balls is real.
It hurts, it hurts man.
No, eh, eh, don't say that man.
- You're still alive. - I guess.
Your foreign exchange brother is still a virgin.
No man, my brother is still a virgin.
Such a tender moment.
Hey.
[Juanpa crying]
[screaming]
Eugene, is that really you?
It's been 70 years.
The last orgasm I had was in Normandy in your mouth.
Consider it VD day.
Bombs away.
[moaning]
Uh...
So Australia's pretty nice huh?
[Jenna] Yeah.
Yeah.
Er...
- Does it like hurt? Aw. - Ow, ow, no I'm fine.
- Okay. - I got a bandage.
- You did good driving that plane. - Thanks.
Couldn't have done it without my co-pilot.
What did I tell you about being cheesy?
- To not be cheesy. - Yeah, definitely stop.
[baby crying]
So I've looked everywhere and I can't find him.
Aw!
I think it safe to say that your baby's gone.
[dramatic music]
Have you considered adoption maybe?
I mean no, I, I thought I'd find him on the plane, you know?
Right. That's horrible.
Well, here's some good news.
When that plane was going down
and I thought we were all dead,
I had one split second to ejaculate into this Tupperware
so I could let my seed live on.
I made this out of my penis.
Put it in your vagina, make a new baby.
Oh my god, this is the nicest thing
any man's ever done for me.
It's pretty great.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
But it still doesn't bring my baby back.
What your old baby?
- Yeah. - This is a brand new baby.
You ungrateful bitch.
Give me my seed back you don't deserve it.
You do not deserve...
[slurping]
No I'm sorry, spit it out, spit it out put it back in my vagina.
- Too late! It's too late! - I'm sorry!
You've wasted my seed!
No, I'm sorry, put it back in my vagina please.
Please, please.
[laughing] It's going back into my penis, I can feel it.
- I have nothing else to live for. - [man rumbling]
I'm getting hard!
I guess this is goodbye.
Yup, I hope everything works out with your girlfriend.
That was really brave.
- [Lele] Come here. - Bye.
[man] Thank you so much, I woke up on the toilet.
Jenna wait.
Thank you so much.
I don't even know you people.
- I'm your brother. - I know you.
[upbeat music]
[tires screeching]
Okay, here we go.
You're excited?
- Yeah. [chuckles] - This is it, right?
This is it. This is it.
Are you sure about this?
[exhales]
I've never been so sure about anything in my life.
Logan!
Eh, yeah, it's me.
Er, I'm Logan.
Wait, you're not Logan.
- You sound different. - Yeah.
I'm his foreign exchange brother Juanpa.
- Mexico. - So?
And I have an accent.
[clears throat]
[both screaming]
What? No, no, I can't understand you though.
- Can you say that again? - [drum music]
One more time, just, just say it one more time.
[door banging]
Okay, okay, don't say anything cheesy.
Jenna? It took me traveling half way around the world to realize
- that I love you. - [Jenna] I'm sorry your accent is just gnarly,
can you please just repeat yourself?
Okay, uh, I guess you worked out
everything with your boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, the guac is extra,
I got it, I got it, I got it.
[man voiceover] Who was that guy, he's fucking hot.
You're gay, you're a gay man, yeah!
Oh my god, so are you.
- No, no, I'm, I'm here for her, so. - Logan?
But, but, but just one kiss, that's all I ask.
Okay, fine, but then you have to leave.
Now get out.
Wait, how did you hear my thoughts?
[door bangs]
[drum music]
Whoa yeah, I guess I always thought you were a little bit...
[upbeat music]
[screaming and laughing]
[panting and moaning]
- Yeah, take it off. - Yeah.
- Hurry up. - I will, I will.
Oh yeah. I'm going there.
- Oh yeah. - Hurry up.
- Why can't you get it off? - Yeah, yeah I got it.
- Is... er... aw... Wait, stop. - Trying.
- Is this the right hole? - [Ariel] No, no,
- no, no. - No, no? Yes?
- No? Okay, yeah. - [Ariel] There it is, yeah.
- Yeah, no, this one? - [Ariel] Yeah, right there.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Juanpa, Juanpa. - [Juanpa screams]
Oh, oh this feels amazing.
- I love your accent. - I love your accent.
Talk dirty to me in Mexican.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [ Ariel] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[both moaning]
Wait I, I have to know.
What happened, like, did she have a penis?
[screaming and laughing]
What the fuck?
Daddy, I thought you were gone.
[screaming] Oh my god, your dad is black. I mean that's, that's cool, he's black.
I can't stop, I can't stop.
[screaming]
- [Ariel] Daddy you have... - [screaming]
- Your dad's black. - I'm adopted.
Oh my god, I'm adopted too, we have so much in common.
Swear I'm gonna kill your dumb ass.
I love you, Juanpa.
It's pronounced Juanpa.
I'm whooping your ass.
Run Juanpa, run.
Daddy stop, run, go, go.
[grunting]
- [screaming] - [bug screeching]
Get it off, please!
[swooshing]
["Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora playing]
I love you, Juanpa.
- I love you my awesome princess. - You're just like your mother.
- I love you so much. - Put some clothes on.
- I have clothes on. - Nice to meet you, sir.
[dad] I'm gonna cut your dick off and feed it to the drop bears.
Motherfucker I'm going to kill you.
- Daddy, stop it. - [dad] Get back here.
Run, Juanpa run!
Well not bad.
♪ Jungle life I'm living in the open ♪
♪ Native beat that carries on ♪
♪ Burning bright A fire that blows the... ♪
Hey Mr. Kangaroo, I just had sex,
go tell all your kangaroo friends I just had sex.
- Come on give me a fist bump. - [kangaroo whistles]
Alright, let's go, let's go man, let's celebrate.
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
Today we're gonna learn how to make a hang glider
out of cardboard, duct tape, and a chin up bar...
No one's gonna watch your stupid videos, Connor.
- [bangs] - [Logan screams]
Logan Paul!
You're a fucking hero, Connor.
- [Becky] Logan, I love you. - Shut up, Becky!
- Let's make that hang glider, buddy. - Yeah!
[screaming]
Argh! My femurs. Aw! I can see my bones!
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Night tonight ♪
♪ Give me the other Give me the other ♪
♪ Chance tonight ♪
♪ Give me the other Give me the other ♪
♪ Night to night ♪
♪ Give me the other Give me the other world! ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
[waves crashing]
[screams]
[screaming and laughing]
Ow!
Bitch, you saved my life.
[sighs]
[upbeat rock music]