What the fuck? What the fuck?
Stop, stop, stop, stop, what the fuck you doing?
Sorry, I thought you were garbage.
- What the fuck, Kev? - You're late.
You wanna tell me why I just woke up
with all my shit in the street and my key missing?
Sure, it's because you don't pay rent
and I'm sick of finding you drunk and passed out on my floor.
- I work to pay off that rent. - I'm sorry, you what?
- I unclog the shitter. - I unclog the shitter.
- I fixed this loose door thing over here. - Oh, yeah. This door?
I sweep, I clean--
No, no, you pretend to sweep while you steal my fucking booze!
I what? I've never stolen...
Prove it, prove that I steal your booze.
- All right, yeah. - I don't steal.
No, not on fire.
You know why because you drank my booze
and you replaced it with water.
I'm your fucking brother, man.
No. No, you're a thief, and a liar, and a drunk,
and a fucking embarrassment, Owen.
Still.
You can drag your mattress into the boiler room and live there.
I can what? I can drag, into the...
Ooh, I am a human.
You can't just banish me
like I'm some hunchy-back franken monster,
throw him into the bell tower, wrap him in chains
and drop him to the bottom of the, of the, the, the...
I'm not dungeon garbage!
You know, if the government of humane whatever
came by here and I was a dog, they would arrest you.
You got a better offer, take it.
What if I just jumped over there and took my key back, how about that?
- How about that? - Bet it's in your pocket right now.
It is, it's right here in my pocket.
OK, well I could just jump over this bar
give you a little side to side, put you in one of these guys,
I could go out, get my stuff, with my key,
go back up and put my stuff in your apartment with the key.
Yep, totally possible.
- Yeah, it's totally possible. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you all right? Are you all right?
Hey, do you know who this is?
Oh, come on.
Five bucks.
'Cause why should I get a break?
Paulie! Oh, fuck me.
Paulie!
Oh, goddammit.
Paulie, one of your hookers has OD'd in my bathroom again.
Well, call 911.
I'm not paying for another ambulance,
get someone to drive her.
No...
Fuck.
- Name? - Prime Minister Chuto.
- OK, we're done here. - Where the fuck are my things?
Oh, you mean your vomit soaked dress?
- We threw it out. - What about my underwear?
You weren't wearing any.
What the fuck am I supposed to wear home?
Let a smile be your umbrella.
Fucking umbrella!
Oh, yeah, I bet you it fucking turns you on doesn't it?
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You wanna fuck this?
You wanna fuck...
♪ Stanky pussy ♪
♪ Lay it on me, mama ♪
♪ Pussy stank but so do marijuana ♪
You're fired.
- What?! - Yeah, you're unmanageable.
I mean, I can't deal with it anymore.
If you're not fucking up then you're fucked up on pills or--
You give me those pills.
Some pills, it's called moderation.
All right, see this is what I'm talking about.
I let you squat at my place, I give you my meds
and what do I get in return? Nothing but disrespect.
- Come on, Cerebral-- - See, right there, that's what I'm talking about.
This whole cerebral shit. That's disrespectful to my face.
Cerebral Paulie is an endearing name.
No, no, calling me Cerebral Paulie is not endearing.
I... I was the victim of a drunk driving accident.
- You were the drunk driver. - Still a victim.
- Paulie. - Paul.
- I'll make it up to you. - Well, how you gonna do that?
'Cause you and your pussy are worthless.
Yeah, my Blockbuster membership card
is worth more than your pussy.
Negroni.
Come on.
You're firing me and keeping her.
Chablis, yeah.
'Cause she doesn't vomit all over me.
- Well-- - As much.
Fucking help me.
Fuck!
Oh, fuck.
Goddammit it.
- What? - Um, no, nothing I--
What the fuck, man?
- Hey, hey I'm-- - What the fuck do you want?
You need money, right?
I have some money if you... if you need it.
Really?
That is like the sweetest--
I was thinking, like, a hand job.
Yeah...
Hmm.
The fuck is with your hand?
- What do you mean? - Why... Why's it so rough?
It's like burlap.
I fell in some gravel a while back,
it got cut to shit.
Are you bleeding?
Relax, man.
You're not gonna get AIDS from my hand.
Oh, phew. Now I feel so much better. Thanks, Dr. Hooker.
OK, your dick isn't going inside me stupid.
How do you think you're gonna get AIDS, from a scab on my hand?
Well, maybe from the cut on my dick.
Yeah, I tripped down some steps last week, caught it on a nail.
Now, who's a stupid?
Well, I don't have AIDS.
I don't have AIDS either.
- Let me use my other hand. - Yeah, you should do that.
OK.
Yeah, you like that better?
No.
Yeah, I fucking passed out on my hand last night,
it fucking kills.
OK...
OK. Go back to the other one.
OK.
- You wanna play with my balls? - Oh, yeah, yeah, you want that?
OK, maybe, don't do that for a bit.
OK. OK, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh.
OK, you know what?
Whoo, yeah, that's... OK, we're done.
- Really, you're done? - Oh, yeah, are you kidding?
You just stroked a dick, balls lifted up,
carried the jizz right out the dickie hole, A-plus.
Are you faking?
No, I'm not... I'm not... no, no, no, I'm--
- Nope. - Hey, 'cause where is, hm?
Where... where's the guck?
Yeah, I'm telling you, what happened,
it was so hot that it just like...
- it turned into air. - You're fucking faking!
You're such a fucking sissy!
Yeah, you know what, I am faking, because you're the worst
five-dollar hand job whore five dollars ever bought.
That is why your pimp fired you 'cause you're bad at your job.
All right, then five fuck you.
Just give me my fucking, fucking five dollars and fuck off.
What five bucks?
What are you gonna do, hooker without a pimp?
Frontier justice bitch.
I have your money, I have your money,
I have your money, I have your money, I have your money.
- I don't have your money. - What?!
Listen, this is why you need to get the money upfront,
don't you know anything? Listen, listen, listen, listen.
Wait, wait you need a place to stay, right?
I might know a place.
So... So, where you from?
- Really? - Well, I don't know, fuck.
I can't sleep, tell me a story, lie to me, something.
OK. Once upon a time,
there was an asshole douchebag named Fuckface.
- OK, fuck you. - Oh, no, fuck you.
Brockville.
- What? - I am from Brockville.
- So, I'm from here. - So, you wanted me to tell you something,
- I'm telling you something. - I meant something good,
- not something stupid. - You asked me, you fuck face.
- You fuck face, you. - Oh, fuck you.
So, how long you been a whore?
About nine years, ever since I moved to the city.
- How's that going for you? - Yeah, says the guy
who's sleeping in the Freddy Kreuger room.
- You should quit. - Oh, that's sweet.
Being that you're the worst.
Yeah, you're the worst John I ever had.
You're like a little fucking baby.
Ow, my penis, my little, little penis.
Nine years, you'd be way better at hand jobs by now.
- OK, dick scab. - Three months... If you said three months to me,
I'd be like, "Oh, yeah, three months.
- OK. - That's a three month hand job tops.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Oh, what the...
You smoked all my cigarettes?
Oh, you mean the butts that you found outside
and put into a can?
Gee, if only there was a way we could find more.
Jesus fuck!
Quit whining and do something!
Do you have family in Brockville or...?
Yeah, just a grandma.
She has this big house outside the city.
What like a house-house?
No, like a, like a fucking doll house.
Yes, a house-house, it has a yard,
two floors, it's all moldy and rotting.
They're probably gonna tear it down, put her into a home,
she's this crazy hoarding cat lady.
You... you have no other family?
No, my family was burned alive--
I'll fucking fix up that house.
- You can't fix shit. - I can, too, I'm handy.
I did this whole bar.
Did what? Hit it with a hammer?
Look, I can fix up your cat lady house
and make it look livable. What can you do?
Uh, things that are actually true in real life.
Let me paint you a picture, OK.
This city sucks and it blows and it's holding us up,
and it's punching us in the face like this.
- And? - And, it's turning you
into a shitty junkie hooker who sucks,
and me into, you know, like, a cool guy,
who's hit a bit of a rough patch.
A drunk, do nothing, shit for brains
- who lives in a monster cave? - My point is
that we can get the fuck of here.
We can go Brockville, I can fix up your house
and we can live in it. New start.
I'm not living with you.
I can barely stand looking at you.
You said two floors, right?
Lacie.
Owen.
Your plan's pretty stupid, Owen.
- Your face is pretty stupid. - Eat a dick.
- You eat a dick, you.
So, how we getting there?
♪ I met you at the door ♪
Forty-nine bucks.
OK. OK, that's not so bad.
- Each. - Fuck. Fuck.
That's like 90 bucks.
- Ninety-eight. - Nerd.
- OK, dick. - OK, OK, 98 bucks.
We can do that, that's doable.
Can do, can be done.
You look like a serial killer.
You look like a mental patient.
You spelt Brockville wrong.
Yeah, on purpose, it's a joke,
it's a hilarious word joke.
It's stupid and you're stupid
and everyone thinks you're retarded.
Well, everyone thinks you are a crazy whore,
because you're a crazy whore.
We are going to do this my way.
I'm in charge, you are the drunk do nothing fuck up.
I am the hustler, we're doing this my way.
What is your way? We're gonna fuck the cars into stopping for us?
No.
You know that thing, Christians, they wanna help the needy.
- Yeah. - We gotta take advantage of that.
We gotta look more needy.
What is more needy that no pants?
Injured, no pants.
Help me, my leg! I need to get to a hospital!
- In Brockville. - In Brockville.
Help this crazy whore who hurt her leg
and needs to get to a hospital in Brockville.
Oh, fuck, dude, say I'm your wife or something.
Oh, come... that's... We're going for believable.
Well, don't say whore. People don't stop for whores.
People stop for whores all the time, that's the whole busi...
Oh, my God, you've never fucked a John who had a car.
Shut up, do your job.
Help... Hey, hey!
My disgusting aunty broke her leg.
- Oh, fuck you. - Just stay in character.
Hey, help! She's so gross, help!
You know what, just be a man.
Get out there and stop that car!
- OK, I'll do it, OK. - Make 'em stop.
OK, OK, OK.
Motherfucker, not cool, man!
OK, now you go.
- What, like, in the road? - Yeah, in the road.
Fuck that, I'll get hit by a car.
No, no, no, they're gonna stop for you now
- because I'm actually injured. - So what?
Are you saying that I'm a shitty actor?
OK, yeah, Brando, show me what you got?
Subtle, I'm playing it very subtle.
Hey, hey, hey!
This ugly hobo got hit by a car.
He got hit by a car.
Ha!
Are you all right miss?
Yeah, yeah. Where you headed?
- Agua Valley. - Are you going through Brockville?
- Can do. - Perfect.
♪ Told you I heard you cry those animals ♪
♪ Back in your eye lids ♪
Well, that didn't work.
Oh, look what the world barfed back up!
- Motherfucker tried to rob me. I showed him. - What you beat him up?
- No, I just didn't have anything. - Oh, you did show him.
Then, guy throws me out of the car to the gravel,
again with the fucking gravel. Look at my face,
it's all fucking chafed. Yeah, and then I go back
to where I left you and guess what? You're gone.
Vamoosh. I had to walk all the way back here by myself, asshole.
First of all, you left me, you backwards country dick.
Secondly, it's vamoose, not vamoosh.
Vamoosh is not a thing.
Thirdly, I'm glad your skin is chafey,
now you know how my dick feels.
It looks like you gave a hand job to your own face.
What the fuck? Can we just, um, slow down for a minute here.
Um...
What the fuck, guys?
My grandma's got a crazy, cat lady house in Brockville.
Yeah, I'm gonna fix it up, we're both gonna live there.
- I call top floor. - We're gonna get the fuck out
- of this fucking city for good. - Fuck out of this, yes.
- Fucking new start. - But, somebody, I don't wanna say who,
but she smells like vomit and radishes,
- bailed and fucked up the plan. - I didn't fuck up shit.
You're the fuck up. I make shit happen.
- You made me get hit by a car. - You made you get hit by a car.
So, now we need 98 bucks for bus fare.
- Yeah, can we borrow 98 bucks? - Ah, don't sit there.
- Why, what's wrong? - You're not wearing pants.
Oh, you noticed.
OK, can I just say something?
Um, you will never have $98.
If you magically managed to make two dollars,
you would immediately drink it away
and be left with zero dollars.
What kind of drink can you buy with two dollars.
Grain, Ides, T-Bird, Night Train, Ripple,
Two Buck Chuck. Ooh, yeah I'd probably get that Two Buck Chuck.
But the most fucked up part of your whole stupid fucking plan,
is in order for it to work, you would actually have to help somebody else.
Be part of team. Be relied on for shit.
And that, that's science fiction.
In fact, I am so sure this isn't gonna happen, I'll you what.
For every dollar you two mamo's make, I'll match it.
What? Oh, that is a deal. That is a deal.
Gentleman's agreement that I want in writing.
Sorry, what's this bullshit?
Now, we only have to make half as much.
What? That makes it, like, twice as easy.
Hey, Rummy, you heard this right?
Yeah, Kevin's gonna build a house for all the cats to live in.
- Witness. - Hmm, yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna make you regret that napkin.
I'm gonna make you fuck that napkin.
- Prepare to get fucked, buddy. - OK, I will prepare for that.
You do that 'cause we're gonna fuck you.
Yeah, we're gonna fuck you right where you live, right in your bar.
Maybe...
Bicycle!
You're just saying things you see, I can do that, too.
Fire hydrant. Muffler.
Awesome.
Yeah, this is a flimsy one.
OK. OK, you stay on lookout, all right?
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me!
- Person. - Excuse me.
I don't even know what you're talking about, so...
Are you trying to steal a bike?
Ah, I'm out for a Sunday stroll.
- It's Tuesday. - Nerd.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna have to
ask you and your girlfriend to leave.
I am not his girlfriend.
Whatever, you're trespassing.
How do you know that we're not students here?
- Are you students? - Yes.
What are you studying?
- School finance repair. - Art.
So, what's with the hack saw?
I'm fixing my deck.
- You have a deck? - I don't care for your tone.
Yes, I have a deck.
It is attached to my house on the beach,
which is where we were strolling to, to the beach.
You live in The Beeches
and you're gonna walk there from here?
The beach, actually.
That's what you call it when you live there.
You call it the beach, that's how I know
you're not from there 'cause you just called it The Beeches,
so, you wouldn't know,
you wouldn't know where my deck is at.
Is she supposed to go in there?
- I gave you the cue. - You ran away!
That was the cue!
- Running away was the cue? - Person.
You are the worst at everything.
How's that bike lock coming?
It's coming.
- Person. - Ah, fuck this bike lock!
Goddammit, it's like black kryptonite, it's impossible.
Well, maybe if you didn't have booze muscles.
They should make the whole bike out of this stuff
and then that way bike theft would cease to exist.
You'd still have to lock the bike.
I know, I knew it when I said it
that it was stupid... I'm just saying, you know,
it'd be easier for me to actually saw through the bike
than it would be for me to saw through the, the...
Forty-nine bucks.
First of all, you stole this.
Forty-eight bucks.
Second of all, it's useless.
This shit is ten-speed man.
Six bucks.
Was a 10 speed, now it's just a bunch of metal and rubber.
Oh, what, come on.
No, look, this, there's still, like,
six, seven speeds in here.
Forty-nine bucks and a hand job.
I'll give you a hand job, let's go.
Please leave my store.
Hey, Kev, can I have a drink, man?
- It's been a long day. - Sure, five bucks.
Come on, just one whiskey sour.
One, one, one whiskey sour.
Just one... just one... Just a rum and coke, rum and coke.
Just give me one of whatever no one drinks around here.
Just give me the Tia Maria and the vermouth
with a melon liqueur, rocks.
Do you have any Tylenol... threes?
You know what I did today, while you two chuckle heads were out being stupid?
I was here.
Like I always am.
That was my day.
I don't get to run around having stinky fucking adventures.
I can't even sit around playing guitar.
Whoa, whoa, play guitar?
I can't even go to the movies.
I can't have a fucking second to live
because my brother is a selfish, do nothing, piece of shit.
You don't even know how to play guitar.
Wow, exactly, Owen, exactly.
You don't even own a guitar.
Hey, whoa, hey, hey, hey. What you doing with that?
- That's mine. - This is garbage.
No, no, no. I've got plans for that.
I'm gonna do... I'm gonna do stuff with it.
You have plans for this?
- Big plans. - Big plans.
Fuck it!
Oh, hey, look, I got a tip, whoo!
What's with cranky?
I don't know, he's mad 'cause he sucks
at playing guitar or something?
It's this fucking city. I'm telling you, it drives you crazy.
I know, we gotta get out of here.
Look, we gotta brainstorm.
You know what that is? You know about brainstorming?
It's when I say something, it gives you an idea
and then you say something back to me that gives me an idea,
and I give something to you, and then we just go back and forth and back and forth like that
until we have a perfect master plan, OK?
I'm gonna start.
Dog-napping.
Dumbass. No wait, prison.
OK. Look, well, you think of something then.
You're a hooker, I thought you guys were supposed to be crafty.
Why don't I just fuck a guy and charge him 49 bucks?
- I'm taking these. - Uh, no.
Look, if we learned anything it's that no grown man
wants to do anything to any part of you.
No grown man.
No, you can't do that,
you can't just say what I say back at me,
that's not, that's shitty brainstorming.
Who needs to have sex worse than anyone else?
Panda's.
Yeah, I'm gonna fuck a panda, that's my plan.
Come on, genius, let's go.
You can brainstorm on the way.
Stitching...
Hey, dorks.
What you doing, playing cards?
Um, yeah, Mystic cards. This is Lady Saint Martha--
Cool, so you know how your dicks have never touched a real live woman before?
Tucking your boners into your waistbands and what not?
Well, Lacie here is a real live street whore.
Yeah, I touch sad little dicks like yours for a living.
Oh, I like the sound of this pause.
Let's talk numbers.
Wait, just start from the beginning.
Twenty. Ten. - That's 30.
Thirty-five, 40, 45, 46.
Forty-nine. Forty-nine bucks!
Dicks out, dweebs, let's get you all in a row.
I'll leave it to you to decide who gets to go first.
I don't know thumb war, rock-scissors-paper.
Yeah, we wanna go at the same time.
I hate to break it to you boys, I only got two paws.
Yeah, don't look at me fellas.
Yeah, no, we want a gang bang.
- I'm sorry. - What?
With the both of you.
- I'm sorry? - What?
I told you we'd be needing these someday.
- Yes. - Are you guys shaved?
- I prefer shaved. - Can I have mouths?
I want her to look like she's 12.
- Eh. - Jesus.
- What? I'm only 13. - Are condoms compulsory?
Are you guys cool with blindfolds?
Not for the whole time. I like eye contact.
What if I'm just doing mouths?
Ah, OK, I can offer you like a crick of my elbow.
- I think that we're straying from the original plan. - One of these guys...
She's winterized right?
We walk right now if she's not winterized.
I'll pay you 20 more bucks
if you take a Bluto pie.
What the fuck is a Bluto pie?
What the fuck is winterized?
What is that? What is that?
It's a musical chair.
Like, musical chairs?
No, musical chair.
One of you lies face down on the ground
and the four of us walk around you.
- When the music stops. - Can I talk to you for a second?
- Just a second kids. - Wait.
Listen, I apologize for my friends.
I know it's probably against the rules,
but would it be terribly untoward
if I kissed you on the mouth?
What the hell? Is she backing out?
No, no, I think she's...
She's just, um, she's getting limber before the...
You guys take gym class, right?
We had a deal.
Yeah, no, we still, I'm gonna, um...
I'm gonna get you a few of those wizard cards you like,
or I'm gonna hook you guys up with those.
You guys wanna learn how to smoke some cigarettes?
OK, hey, hey...
You know what your problem is?
I got a dick on my face?
- Oh, wait. - This, this is the problem.
See, that's why those kids disrespected you
because they can see you. They see... they see this.
But if we could find a way
for you to touch the dicks of the people
without the people seeing you, seeing this, then I think...
Oh, yeah, I think then we'd really have something.
♪ We eat at all the finest places ♪
♪ I met you at the door ♪
♪ Of a record store ♪
♪ I knew you'd be mine ♪
♪ Because you look so fine ♪
♪ I didn't think your love ♪
♪ Could've hurt me so bad ♪
Rummy, my man, what is up?
Hey, Owen, I'm just, I'm worried that if I eat this...
I might lose my foot.
Let me ask you something,
when was the last time you were laid?
You know, it's hard...
to find the right girl.
Oh, I know. I know, man.
I have very particular, particular tastes.
Like what?
- Jesus fuck. - Will you relax?
You're not gonna have to see any of that,
you're gonna be on the other side of a door.
You know, this could be a glory hole situation
for the both of you.
Rummy's penis, it could be
the penis of James Bond.
Which reminds me,
Rummy thinks you're a big, fat black lady so...
How does that sentence end?
Just, you know...
If he wants you to... I don't know.
I'm behind a door, what do you want me to do?
Just, if he would like you to talk or something then--
What? You want me to sing a church hymn?
No, that's racist.
OK, just like, maybe don't take any shit, or...
- Don't make me do an impression. - I won't.
Anyway, he doesn't wanna talk, OK.
He wants to... Jesus Christ, do you even know
- how glory holes work? - Yes, I know glory holes work.
I'm the glory hole expert. I built the glory hole.
Oh, OK, you cut a hole in a door.
- It doesn't make you Bob Vila. - There's a lot more to it.
You've gotta put a duct thing in and you've gotta sand it...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - ...with the measurements.
Clearly, you put your dick in a hole.
I don't wanna talk about
the intricacies of carpentry with you.
- Hey, Rummy! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go, man.
You guys are really getting along
like a bag of shit on fire.
Quite the duo, a couple of Garfunkels.
Hey, let me ask you something,
what are you gonna do when you fuck it all up?
'Cause... mark that day on your calendar, it's gonna happen.
The sky's blue, water's wet, Garfield hates Monday's
and you fuck shit up.
So, when that happens, is your shiny new partner gonna man up
or is he gonna pussy out?
Hmm.
Just so you know, we're here for you if you ever need us.
Huh, all right?
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy. - There she is.
- This takes me back. - Hmm, back to what?
First woman I was ever with was a large, black woman.
Well, that is what I got here.
First woman I ever loved.
I was 19 and she was... 68, 70, I don't know.
Her skin was so fucking loose.
Mm, OK that's--
I was on a school trip to Buffalo,
and I accidentally went
into the wrong bathroom at Dairy Queen and then--
OK, OK. You know, it's rude
to keep a lady waiting, Rummy, so...
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
I'm nothing if I'm not a gentleman.
Mm-hmm.
The money.
Dost thou take me for a rube, sir?
After.
I think your hole is broken.
Lacie. Lacie!
Did you bring me juice?
Oh, what the fuck? Did you take something?
- Who gave you pills? - Paulie!
Paulie was in a pinch and he couldn't open
so, he took a cough wrench and he left it in his shoulder
and then he farted on his dick. Farted on his dick.
Paulie rhymes with Molly, Molly rhymes with jolly,
I'm not jolly, just kidding, I'm so sad.
Please, don't fucking do this. We're so close, please, just two minutes,
just wake up for two minutes.
Wake up, wake.
Oh, my God. OK, OK, look...
We're gonna, we're gonna go on a trip.
- Trip? - We're gonna go on a little trip,
- just a little trip, OK. - Juice?
Yeah, juice.
OK, one, two, three.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Do you want the 20 bucks or not?
I felt something.
Hello?
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, cuddle bug.
Oh, yeah.
OK, talk to me now, big momma.
Talk to me.
Come on, come on.
Please, I need to hear you.
I need to hear you, momma.
Say something. Say something.
♪ Amazing grace ♪
Rockefeller.
Look at you.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Share with me your tale of glory.
How did you win the day, underdog?
Ooh, I know it's gonna be an uplifting story.
Go on, regale me.
How did you make this money, hmm?
Have you...?
Have you been pimping Lacie?
No, no, I mean I just--
No, no, no, no, I... I...
That's you.
That's how you sound, you idiot.
No, I'm kidding man. That's cool.
You like to stick to the shadows, is that the idea?
You know, most pimps, they kinda like to flaunt it.
But not you. Keep your cards close to your vest, that's cool.
Hey, down low, shadow pimp. Come on.
I can't give fives, motherfucker. What is wrong with you?
Have you been pimping what's mine from the shadows?
Lacie has come back to me once before.
And she's gonna keep coming back.
I'm like Baked Lays, you can't quit this shit.
Yeah, 'cause you keep giving her pills and telling her she's worthless.
Really?
No matter what you do,
Lacie is always gonna need me, more than she needs you.
You know what, let me ask you something.
You've always been such a perfectly good sorry ass drunk,
why do you two all of sudden think
you should be something that you're not?
Hmm?
I mean, is Lacie really worth all this shit?
See...
That's why you'll never be a real pimp.
'Cause a real pimp would've stood up for his lady.
Oh...
Shit.
Oops.
You still got some dick on your face.
Ah, no.
Ah, now I'm making it worse.
- All right, enough shit! - You know what, fuck this place!
- Tomorrow. - Shit, yeah.
Why are we here?
This place is like the fucking Thunderdome.
We need see this.
This is how normal people do it.
How much do you make a day?
I don't know, maybe ten, 20 bucks
before I get chased off by the cops.
On a good day 40 or 50.
You make 50 bucks... a day?
- All you do is sit there? - And look sad, yeah.
You just sit there, you look sad and shitty people give you money.
- Yep. - Fifty bucks?
Give or take, yeah.
Go, go, go, go!
Look, look, look. These are toonies.
That's like 15 bucks in coins, easy.
Holy shit.
Yeah!
You know, looties and toonies are really revolutionary to me.
Oh, shit!
- Hey, Kev, do you think maybe-- - No.
You gave her a drink.
I made her a Shirley Temple, as a joke.
Joke's on you, Shirley Temple's are delicious.
Nobody hangs onto their money tighter than a hobo,
you need to steal from old people or the sick.
Nah, I don't like touching them though.
I don't mean sick, like, contagious.
- Well, I mean old people. - Ugh, yeah, gross.
Hey, Chablis, how about you don't waste your time with that piece of shit? Hmm?
Wheel your fine self over here and help me finish this sudoku.
You know what you need, like, one of those people, with a...
like in a chair, or walks with a cane... not retarded.
Cerebral, what do you call yourself?
- Paul. And I was the victim of a drunk drive-- - Handy cripple.
That's it.
Oh, here's an idea.
Why don't you guys just, I don't know, not steal.
What's wrong with your brother?
I don't know, he's got morals.
No, like, what's wrong with him?
Hey, Kevin, what's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Oh, I'm fine.
I just need a little bit more coffee, that's it.
Is that the pipe water catcher?
No, no, not anymore, I found a paint can.
Mm-hmm, did you clean it before you put it back?
Kev!
I need another one!
Sure thing, buddy.
Where were you? I was looking everywhere.
- Right here. - Can I get another drink?
Yep, finished. Coming right up.
OK.
Let me get you that drink, Rummy.
No, don't touch that bar.
I'm just trying... You're...
You take a load off, I wanna be his friend, I wanna be your friend,
I wanna be everyone's friend for a second.
- Just wanna be friends. - My bar.
I'll do it.
- Rummy, go grab a drink. - OK.
What? You're letting Rummy behind?
He's been a drunk way longer than me.
Rummy is trustworthy.
He's not gonna fucking fuck me, or skim the till or steal shit.
All right, next to you, Rummy is motherfucking Theresa.
Hey, guys, what are these?
Can I get a mojito?
Why, yes, good sir.
- Go. - Hey, I am gonna hook you right up, buddy.
- Pardon me, Rummy. - Yep.
♪ Do do do do do ♪
So, let me ask you,
would you like mint leaves or mint syrup?
- Mint leaves is fine. - That's a figure of speech,
what do you think this is the fucking Hilton?
- Ah... - Ah.
I got my eye on you.
Hmm.
How do you wanna do this?
How do I not wanna do this?
Hey, no, no, no.
You got me, man. You got me.
Look, here it is, here it is.
I'm putting it right down, OK?
You're um...
Pretty not terrible, scamming those drinks like that.
Oh, well, yeah.
You weren't so awful yourself.
You know, fucking up all the orders and...
OK... 24, 24 bucks.
I've got 24 bucks.
Twenty-four, that's it?
What do you mean that's it? What did you make?
- Nineteen. - That's it?
He was watching me more,
he knows that you're too dumb to get away with anything.
I made like twice as much as you.
You did not make twice as much as me!
- Are you holding out? - No are you?
- No. - Are you lying?
- No, are you? - No!
Forty-three bucks, OK.
Forty-three bucks, we got 43 bucks.
We're six, six bucks short.
Eye in the sky, bitches.
I'm like Google Maps.
- You're delirious, Kev. - You're hallucinating.
I heard the whole conversation, I've been in this stall this whole time.
You were standing the door the whole time? That's creepy, man.
I heard you, I fucking heard you!
Fuck!
Ah! Fuck, man!
I knew you were gonna break.
Both of you, give me back the $43 that you stole from me.
And, Lacie, way to pay me back for saving your life, fuck you.
And, Owen...
I give up, man, you're not my brother anymore.
You just take, and you take,
and you don't give a shit, man.
You're just a fuck up.
I give you a chance and you fuck it up.
And that's why I don't stoop and fall for thinking that people can change.
There's no more chances. Get out of my bar.
Get out of my life. Best of luck.
Oh, yeah, and fuck you.
What's wrong with you?
Everything, I'm a fuck up, remember?
Well, if you're doing that thing were you insult yourself
to get me to disagree with you it's not gonna work,
because I do think you're a fuck up.
Shit, you're even fucking that up.
It's too late to buy wine you dumbass,
all the liquor stores are closed.
Hey, how do you even have money for wine, huh?
- You were holding out on me. - Oh, god.
Hey, hey, hey, fuck!
In fact, how are you gonna get a cab
if you don't have any money?
I'm not holding out on you.
What are you gonna do? You gonna stiff him?
Yeah, OK. You don't even the sack.
I swear to God, if you're fucking holding out on me
- I'm gonna fight you so hard. - Oh, you're gonna fight me,
you're gonna fight me? You're gonna...
All you do is fight and run, and fight and run,
it's your whole skillset!
Fighting and running and piss poor hand jobs!
Yeah, well, at least I do something!
What do your booze brains bring to the table, huh?
Unless you count being a pussy ass fuck up.
You're the runner. Pussy ass you.
You're the least valuable player here, LVP.
Yeah, well, you'd run, too, if your weren't too fucking dumb to think about it.
And it's not called being a pussy ass.
It's called not taking any shit. Try it some time.
Not taking any shit? All there is, is shit!
Fuck!
You wouldn't last five minutes without me.
You were nothing before I showed up,
you're just a sad sack rotting on a back-room mattress.
Well, what am I now?
I'm a crazy person, screaming in the street.
Yeah, upgrade! You need me!
Best joke ever! I need you.
OK. Fuck!
I hate this city!
You know why else you need me?
Hey, hey, hey.
♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪
Oh, hi.
Are you just gonna stand there and look stupid?
Oh, yeah, you're you.
So, where are you two lovebirds heading?
- No, no, we're not lovebirds. - No!
OK, I didn't mean to pry. Where are you off to?
Um... Brockville.
Is that near Cabbage town?
Uh, no it's not a street, it's a town.
It's on the way to Ottawa.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't go past the GTA.
So what now, Doctor Professor?
- Give me your money asshole! - What the fuck?
Sir, that's not funny.
No, no, yeah, I'm not making jokes.
- Give me your money. - No, no, no.
I... I am not with him.
Can you please put your curly knife away, sir?
He's not gonna give you any fucking money!
Yes, he is gonna give me his money.
No, I'm not gonna give you any money.
Why do you think they have
this plastic fucking wall here?
I'm gonna stab the fuck through it.
Sir, you cannot stab through the glass.
You don't think I'm gonna do it?
- I just... you can't... - You don't think I'm gonna do it?
It's not a challenge, sir, I'm not daring you.
Just please do not stab through the glass.
- What the fuck?! - Sir, sir, sir...
What the fuck?!
When did you guys put plastic in here?
It's new, actually, we just started putting it into all the cars.
- Of course you did. - So where am I going, sir?
I just want to get the fuck out of this fucking city.
I can't leave the GTA, sir.
I know, I know you can't, man.
- Dude, how are you this dumb? - I don't know.
Just pull over anywhere, OK?
Just pull...
Here is good.
Buddy... Pull over anywhere, we'll just get,
we'll get out of your hair.
Beardy.
Beardy man.
Anywhere you wanna pull over, OK?
Oh, this is... great.
Hey.
That's $9.25, please.
What?
That's $9.25, please.
Yeah, I don't know how this was unclear.
We don't have any money.
Yeah, um, he just tried to fucking rob you.
Connect the dots, dude.
Not paying is the same as robbing, so it's $9.25 or prison.
- No, no, no, no, no! - No, no, no, no, no.
- Please, do not do this. - Just let us out of the car.
Just fucking let me out of the car.
I don't know him. I'll give you a hand job.
- You are clearly with him. - No. No, not even a little bit.
- You're clearly with him. - Not even a little bit, I don't even know--
Who you trying to kid? You're clearly together.
I will give you a fucking hand job, man, just let me out of the car.
I'm not interested in your hand job, it's money or prison.
We don't have any fucking money, man!
The only reason I'm giving you a chance here
is because I'm taking pity on you.
Now, you can pay me $9.25 or you can go to jail.
You have 15 seconds to decide.
No!
What? No!
Let me the fuck out of here!
What the fuck?
No!
And she calls me a fucking pussy.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
I... fucking you hate you!
- I fucking hate you, too! - Good!
I hope you're the guy that they rape fuck in prison!
I'm sure I will be!
Time's up, what have you decided?
Oh, fuck.
Here's five bucks, OK.
You did hold out on me.
- It's $9.25. - What?
Nine dollars and 25 cents please.
No, look, that's all the money we have, man.
- I swear. - Nine dollars and 25 cents or jail.
- OK. - No, no, OK...
Wait.
Hey, look at that, you both had money.
Seventy-five cent tip which is not quite 10%,
which is about what I would expect from you, so...
Maybe I was wrong, maybe you're not together.
So, I guess this is fuck you for good then.
Yep.
Well...
Fuck you, I guess.
Fuck you, too.
♪ The hardest part of living ♪
♪ For a fool like me ♪
♪ Is a loving a woman ♪
♪ From a thousand miles across the sea ♪
♪ Whether she's still waiting ♪
♪ Oh, baby, I'll never know ♪
♪ Oh, will she still love me ♪
♪ Or want me to go? ♪
♪ The hardest part of living ♪
What the fuck are you looking at?
You.
♪ In such goddamn misery ♪
♪ My darling, baby ♪
♪ I'm missing your tender touch ♪
♪ Won't you come on now, sugar? ♪
♪ Tell me you love me much ♪
Hey, looking for someone?
No, what, no, who? No.
Look at you being all stealthy.
Sneaking around like a little Carmen Sandiego.
I just... need to use the bathroom.
OK, I smell like a Chinese food dumpster.
Yeah, any port in a storm, right?
Hey, hey, whoa, easy.
We both know why you're here, right?
Somebody needs her vitamins, right?
Don't worry, these little babies are gonna pick you up,
they're gonna dust you off and gonna set you right as rain.
Yeah, gotta let the world be your oyster,
and you are the motherfucking oyster shucker, right?
As soon as I fucking get this open,
then you can fucking shuck the whole world like your oyster.
Fucking...
You're gonna have to do that.
I'm good.
You're good? Huh?
Is that... Is that what you just said to me?
You're good?
Sorry.
What I meant to say was fuck you,
you drunk driving motherfucker.
The only reason that you shake is because you're scared
that people will find out that you are a piece of shit.
Well, guess what, you are a piece of shit.
You piece of shit and fuck you.
- Let go! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's all right, it's all right, it's OK...
Come on, come on, just sit down, all right.
See, you're not gonna hit me.
Are you?
'Cause you know that I'm all you've got in the world.
OK. Maybe I've been
too hard on you, I will concede that.
But let's just put all that behind us, you know.
Like, bygones under the bridge and all that shit, right?
It's time to recognize we've gotta get the band back together.
Here we go. Now, let momma bird feed her young.
Good. There.
No, no, it's not breaking and entering, if it's my mattress!
- Paulie, what the hell? - Turn around, all right.
Can't you see we're in a rebuilding phase here?
Jesus Christ, man, leave her alone.
Be somewhere else.
Hey, what don't you understand?
I will carve a doodle in your face
and it will be by accident, all right?
I'm... I'm sorry, what the fuck are you looking at?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, there you go.
Slink away, you pussy-ass piece of shit.
Fucking Eeyore looking motherfucker.
OK...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, God.
One second, one second, one second, one second...
Wait, wait, wait.
- I thought you ran off. - Came back.
It's not every day I get to see you not be a pussy.
All right, Paul, you need to...
Fuck, Jesus.
Oh, fuck.
Oh! Oh, fuck is something to know about.
What do you wanna do with this fuck face?
I don't know. I mean, we've got a corkscrew.
- Oh, yeah. - Hacksaw.
Chablis! Oh, thank God.
Go, go, go, pow, sick these fuckers, get 'em.
Fuck 'em up.
Can I get a white Russian, Kevin?
Yes, yes, you may.
Fuck, can you fucking...
Hey, hey.
You will never fuck with anyone in this bar again.
You will never carry that knife ever again.
And you will never touch Lacie ever again.
I can't really control my touches, so...
Oh, fuck, fuck, OK, OK, OK, no more bad touches.
And another thing...
This here is my golden chap.
Handshake.
This here is my golden handshake.
That's it?
You're not gonna claw my face or bash my balls in
or anything like that?
- Nope. - Really?
All right, wait, wait, wait, please.
Just give me, just let me say this, all right.
I know that I tried too hard, that's always been my problem,
but, you know maybe it's because...
I'm scared that people aren't gonna like me--
- Get your shit together. - Thank you, all right.
That's fair.
How you doing, you all right?
No, I smell like a garbage truck.
- OK. - Wow!
You kind of did something for someone else there.
I'm proud of you, brother.
Fifty bucks!
What?
- Fifty bucks. - Told you I'd make you fuck that napkin, bro.
Oh, fuck you, for real? You're gonna hold me to that?
Uh, hold you to a promise you made your brother, yeah.
No, no, don't do that. Don't emphasize promise and brother
like it means something to you.
Look, you wanted me gone.
This is... now you got it, this is your going away gift.
My going gift is you leaving and me paying for half?
You're welcome.
That... fuck you,
that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Owen, I only said that I...
You know what, fine, go.
You wanna go, fucking go, get out of my fucking bar, you fucking prick.
I hope your bus flips and you fucking die.
You know, this is like, this is like having a cyst removed.
This is like having a skin tag burned off.
This is like being born a hunchback and the doctor saying,
"Kevin, guess what, we cured that shit.
Here you go, hump gone."
"What, I don't have to walk around
with this fucking lump on my back anymore?"
"Nope, that's gone, that'll be 50 bucks."
Well, that's a fucking deal. That is a fucking bargain.
That's the best money I've ever spent.
So, good fucking riddance.
We've gotta have a goodbye drink.
Hey?
Kev, I'm buying.
I'm buying a round.
No, I'm buying.
- Wow. - Nothing but the best.
To new starts.
Cheers.
What the fuck is that?
Some asshole replaced it with soda pop.
Gonna miss you.
I tell you, I am not gonna miss this fucking city.
Man, all the honking and hustling,
I don't care how gross that house is.
All the fucking cat shit is better than this fucking place.
Fuck you, city!
♪ 'Cause I know I'm done here ♪
Hey, give me the money for a second.
Over my dead murdered body.
No, look, I just wanna a toonie.
All right, it's a hundred bucks in there,
we've got two bucks extra.
I just want a toonie, that's it,
just give me... a toonie.
- OK, just give me... - Wait, no, fuck you back on.
I know what you want, Boozy, half this fucking toonie is mine.
I don't want to buy booze with the toonie, asshole.
I just wanna go and I just wanna do something real quick.
Besides you ever been drunk on a bus? It's the fucking worst.
♪ This time ♪
♪ Won't leave all this behind ♪
♪ Yeah, I won't leave all this behind ♪
♪ Leave all this behind ♪
Oh, man, thanks so much, that's great.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Motherfuckers!
♪ I'm saved ♪
♪ Right on time ♪
♪ I looked up to the Lord above ♪
♪ And I finally see some light ♪
♪ I'm saved ♪
♪ May I have some wine? ♪
♪ It's been a long lonely road ♪
♪ And I'll leave it all behind ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Save me ♪
What time is it?
Let me just check my Casio here...
How the fuck should I know?
Your made-up watch is a Casio?
Way to dream big.
Fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you, too. It's 12:30.
What?
We leave in 20 minutes.
OK. Yeah, OK, that's... soon.
Yeah, I mean, good, right?
I mean, I hate waiting for stuff.
Yeah, me too.
Leave this shithole behind.
- New start. - Yeah, everything different.
- Different everything. - Sorry, excuse us.
- Hi. - Hi, yeah we're sorry to bother you.
We're looking for Union Station, but we got confused.
- We're late for our train. - You see this a bus station,
but apparently the trains go into Union Station, I guess.
Could you show us where that is on the map?
- Yeah. - Yeah, sure thing, guys.
OK, you're right here on the corner of fuck you and figure it out yourself.
Oh, yeah, and you know what else you should check out while you're in town?
It's called the brain clinic, so you can figure out how fucking stupid you are.
You can't read a fucking map.
Yeah, also, check out the shoe museum while you're here.
- Why the shoe museum? - 'Cause it's for fucking losers!
- Jesus Christ! - Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, you know what, forget it.
Don't worry about it.
You and this city deserve each other.
- Way to represent. - Oh, OK, yeah, yeah.
- We deserve each other. - Fuck you.
Way to represent.
Fucking we deserve each other,
what does that even mean?
Represent what?
Represent getting the fuck out of here, baby.
I'll fucking represent these nuts.
You know what?
That is just unbelievable.
You know what, fuck this.
- Hey. - Hey, hey, map guys.
We're gonna help you with your stupid problem.
Come on, we'll show you where to go, we promise.
- Yeah, yeah. - We promise, we're not gonna bite.
- OK, thank you. - OK.
Right, you're here.
You wanna go down to Bay and Front,
- that's it, home free. - Bam. Bam.
- Oh, thank you so much. - Amazing!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You two are amazing,
good luck in all your future endeavors.
- Take care. - Bye.
We showed them.
- Who showed who? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. OK. - OK.
Two tickets to Brockville, please?
Ninety-eight bucks, right?
Uh, yes, that's correct.
Dude, do you have the envelope?
- I... No, I don't... - I don't have it.
- So, obviously-- - Are you fucking serious?
- Sir. - Don't, no...
No, no, no, I must have given it to you, I must have given it to you.
- What do you mean? - I must have given it...
No, you said I was too stupid to carry it, remember?
- You said over your dead little body, you said. - Yeah, no, I don't have it.
- I don't have it. - You just had it!
I don't have it now!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Those dumb tourists, fuck.
When... when we were showing them the map.
Sir, could you and your girlfriend please step aside
so that I'll be available to assist people
who are actually going somewhere.
- You dumb fuck. - Oh, like you sniffed out them.
- Stupid dumb fuck. - OK, I'm stupid and dumb.
That's a real one-two punch.
Oh, what about the one-two punch
of me punching you and then punching you again?
Oh, now you're a rough houser?
Wow, you throw one half a bike, at one guy, one time!
- To save you! - You didn't save shit!
You are shit.
I knew it the moment that you stiffed me on that hand job.
You stiffed me on that hand job!
Oh, OK, yeah, my poor penis, my poor little penis.
You are the least valuable player here, LVP!
No, LVP you! I am the hustler, you are the fuck up.
You are the weak link, I am the brains.
You know what, those losers were right about you,
you belong to this city 'cause you're both assholes.
Me? You should marry this shit suck city,
you're perfect for each other!
- You know what, fuck you! - Fuck you, you!
OK, OK, ready, go.
- Dog-napping. - You're an idiot.
Oops, no wait, that's three words,
does that mess up the brainstorming?
I'm just saying rich people have dogs,
you take one and you leave a note.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, we're gonna buy the bar popcorn machine,
it's gonna solve all our problems.
We can't afford a popcorn machine.
Duh, that's why we're stealing a dog.
Wait, how we will know where to send the ransom note?
Ooh, right, OK, so we leave the note.
How will they contact us?
Right.
You could get a PO box.
Yes, Kevin coming through with the big ideas.
I love it. That's totally what we're gonna do,
we're getting ourselves a PO box, done, bam.
Except you can't afford one and you don't know what it is.
Right.
What about a meat truck?
I like... well, I need more information.
I see one everyday down the street at the butchers.
When the guy goes in to make his delivery,
we just sneak right in there and steal a side of beef.
Wait, who is gonna buy a side of beef?
How much?
- Twenty bucks. - Yeah, I'd buy that.
See, Cerebral would buy it.
I mean, Paul.
Thank you.
Can you top up my White Russian, Kevin?
Yep.
I'll get it.
Lacie'll get it.
You know who's really asking for it?
You know that black kid selling chocolate almonds.
He's gotta have, like, 50 bucks on him.
Oh, down on... Sherborne.
- Yeah, yeah. - That kid's a shark.
Right?
We could do that map scam?
Pretend that we're tourists.
Nobody'd believe it.
Motherfuck.
♪ Undertaker, take me under ♪
How about we charge people to enter the public pool?
Oh, yeah, 'cause they think...
They won't know that it's not free.
It just says public, it doesn't say free, motherfucker.
Wait, we'll put on uniforms...
♪ Undertake, take me under oceans of oil ♪
♪ I'll be throwing a thousand blades of grass ♪
♪ Through the soil ♪
♪ Even though we're all gonna die here ♪
♪ You're my kind, dear ♪
- But do we make the pierogi's? - No, yeah, yeah,
we don't even have to put anything in them that's the whole thing.
Well, then it's not a fucking pierogi, it's a piece of dough.
No.
Whoa, what the fuck?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't... don't touch me.
OK. "To whom it may concern, Please take good care
of my precious little darling. She is the light of my life,
I know you will give her a better..."
Yeah, OK, buddy.
Yeah, cool, asshole. What?
Who are you?
Oh, yeah. OK, cool, bro, yeah, go be fucking cute.
- Oh, fuck your cute face. - You motherfucker. Goddamn you.
- You fucking cute-faced, bitch. - You look at me...
- Don't... Stop, stop, stop! - No, no, no, don't do that.
Goddammit, do not play me. I play you now.
I love your fucking stupid bitch face.
We're gonna fucking take of you, see how you like that.
Oh, yeah, fuck your mom.
♪ Undertaker, take me under oceans of oil ♪
♪ I'll be throwing a thousand blades of grass ♪
♪ Through the soil ♪
♪ Even though we're all gonna die here ♪
♪ You're my kind, dear ♪
♪ Dandelion, blow my seed out into the sun ♪
♪ I'll take the breeze to bake sales to see everyone ♪
♪ Even though we're all gonna die here ♪
♪ You're my kind, dear ♪
♪ Several billion people living under the stars ♪
♪ Most you'll never meet ♪
♪ They'll never know who you are ♪
♪ Even though they're all gonna die here ♪
♪ You're their kind, dear ♪
♪ You're their kind ♪
♪ Dear ♪
♪ Whoo ♪