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Hey, man. Can I get two vodka sodas, please?
Sure.
Thank you. You know what?
Go ahead and keep that for yourself, all right?
Oh, thanks, man.
[Jeremy] Yeah, I can't wait to meet you, too, Madison.
Oh, those babies are legit.
[Penny] Jeremy?
[chuckles]
Uh, no, sorry.
- But this is you, isn't it? - Well, yeah,
- but you can't be... - Yeah, Madison.
Yeah, I am.
Joke! [laughs] Oh, my God.
- You should see your face. - Oh, my God.
- No, obviously I'm not her. - Okay. Oh, man.
- No. 'Course I'm not Madison. - Thank Christ!
Because honestly I was shitting myself there.
I mean, no offense.
Oh, none taken.
It's really risky meeting people online.
You never know if people are gonna be as ugly
on the outside as they are on the inside.
- Yeah, right, exactly. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry, is Madison on her way?
Uh, no, no, no. Madison's not coming.
What? Why?
Well, she sent me to see
if you were truly in love with her
and clearly you're not, so goodbye, Jeremy.
Wait! No, no, no, wait.
Of course I love her.
I have been texting with her for, like, a frigging month!
This is the girl that I'm gonna let keep my babies
and I will pay her her due child support.
I will visit every other weekend
and say hi to the kids and put 'em on my lap
and whatever you do, okay?
That is how much I love her. I swear to Christ!
But can you love her birth defect?
'Course I can.
I mean, it's on the inside, right?
Like, it's in her brain or in her heart?
When Madison was born, she was born with A cups.
- No, but her photos, they... - Yeah.
What you're looking at there is expert contouring
and well-placed chicken cutlets.
She's really a double-A,
if I'm gonna be, like, honest with you.
A triple-A in some brands.
Basically, if her tits were batteries,
they'd go into a watch.
That's why she didn't wanna come here
and meet you in real life.
Well, not until she has the boob job, anyways.
Wait, she's getting a boob job?
When is that happening, then?
- In a year. - A year?
Well, silicone doesn't just grow on trees.
- She has to save up. - Well, how much does she need?
Just, like, $300.
500 if she's gonna go full bouncy castle.
Okay.
You know what?
Tell her I'll give her the $500.
I just want her to be happy.
- That is so selfless of you. - I know.
Do you prefer Venmo or PayPal?
Venmo's fine.
That's her! The fake tit-job bitch!
- Get her! - [Penny sighs]
I needed a new scene anyway.
[Jason] She stole my money, man!
[policeman] Move! Out of my way, come on!
Hey, where do I send the money?
- [Policeman] Go! - [choking]
[Policewoman] Hey, stop that woman!
[Policeman] Hey, you! Stop!
- [grunts] - [policeman grunting]
[Policewoman] Go after her! Quick!
You let her get away!
Well, at least we didn't give her $500 first! Idiot.
[police radio chatter]
Trashy dress, you did it again.
[lively instrumental music playing]
- [man wolf whistles] - [camera shutter clicking]
[grunts]
Hmph!
[screams]
[screaming]
[both growl]
[indistinct chatter]
[speaking Danish]
[in English] Begone! You French women are bad luck!
[woman scoffs]
And shave your armpits. Please.
Well, come on, deal again!
Our apologies, monsieur, but you are out of credit.
[speaking Danish]
[in English] Hold on, I may have a solution.
How's this for credit?
It's beautiful, monsieur. But I cannot accept it.
Why the hell not?
I'm afraid
rumor has it that you are selling your wife's jewels
to bankroll your gambling debts.
That is an outrageous slur!
Hey. Whiskey.
[woman] Uh, excuse me? Excuse me?
How much are the red ones worth?
- Uh, one thousand. - And the blue ones?
- Five thousand. - [giggles]
I love that game
with the wheel and the ball and the numbers.
I don't even really know how to play.
- [both laugh] - Hello.
Uh, hello.
My name is Mathias Albrecht von Rüdinger der Kleinzogen
Hindenburg-an-Sohr. And you are?
- Janet. - Janet.
What an enchanting name.
- [both chuckle] - You're American, yes?
- Yes. - I'm Danish.
Like the pastry?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, what brings you to the South of France?
An airplane.
Yes, and why are you here?
Oh. Well, um...
I thought I would treat myself.
I just won some money in the lottery.
- [giggles] - Wow. How much did you win?
$87 million!
[speaking Danish]
I'm sorry, I don't speak foreign.
[in English] Janet...
I have something in my pants
that I think you're going to like.
- Ew. - No, no, no.
This.
Oh.
This belonged to my dear mama.
- May I? - Yes.
Sadly, I have to sell it,
'cause it reminds me too much of her.
[Josephine] Is it valuable?
It's very valuable, yes. $500,000.
I like it 'cause it's shiny.
And you're in luck. It's for sale.
That's crazy. I...
Do I have enough here?
- How much is this worth? - That is a coaster.
And sadly, no, you don't.
But maybe you could pay the difference in another way?
[stammers] I have a 9:00 dinner reservation.
[chuckling] As do I.
Well, I have my reputation to think of.
As do I.
I have a boyfriend.
As do I.
[Brigitte] Freeze!
Inspector Desjardins
of Beaumont-Sur-Mer police. Get up.
Okay. Who sent you? My wife?
Do you take bribes?
Not you. Her.
- She is under arrest. - What?
Those chips were stolen from this pathetic old man.
This woman is an international con artist.
No, no, no. She's just a dumb American.
No, it's true. She lured this man
with the promise of a private performance
of her college gymnastics routine.
Here.
Hmm?
[Brigitte] Now, give back the bracelet.
[sighs]
[speaks French]
[in English] It would take an expert to spot the fake.
- Or his wife. - Hmm.
Thank you, Albert,
for everything.
Excellent research, Brigitte. The mark was perfect.
As you always say...
You can't cheat an honest man.
Now, I have a buyer in Zurich,
so I shall see you in a few days. Au revoir.
[both speaking French]
- Oh. - Oh!
[grunting]
Sorry. Comin' through.
[sighs]
I'll take the filet mignon.
[waiter] Very good, sir.
[Penny sighs]
Is this seat taken?
I'm starving.
I could murder a triple cheeseburger right now.
Or...
I'll just get a glass of water, please.
- Is that all, madam? - [Penny] Yeah, that's it.
I'll just help myself to the sugar packets.
They're free, right?
- [waiter] Yes. - [Penny] Yeah.
[Penny sighs]
[Penny] Mmm.
That'll fill me up.
I've to save all my money
'cause I'm here to find my sister.
This is her.
- That is your sister? - Half-sister.
But we're like sisters.
- [man] What's happened to her? - [Penny] She's been taken.
Taken? Like...
Like by men who sell hot white virgins
to evil, bearded kajillionaires on yachts.
- Really? - The whole irony is,
it was her friend she was with
who was the massive slut. Tiffany.
Tiffany is the slut?
So, I roughed up these guys, and they said to me,
"Premium-grade Australian meat on auction tomorrow."
That fits my sister's description perfectly,
- don't you think? - Yes.
So, I'm gonna get on that boat and buy her back.
Look, I am very moved by your story.
- Order anything you like. - No, no, no.
- Please, no? - No!
- Please, no? - No, I couldn't.
Please, I insist.
I'll have a club sandwich, and an order of fries,
order of onion rings,
I'll take the shrimp cocktail. Is that good? How fresh is it?
What's the soup of the day? Is it cold? 'Cause, ew, gross.
That's disgusting. Why have cold soup?
Just give me a Caesar salad.
And then two slices of cake.
- Do you want any cake? - No.
Three slices of cake and a Diet Coke.
Thank you.
[attendant] Will this be satisfactory, miss?
[Penny] Yes, this will do.
[attendant] Once again, I apologize
for the flickering lights in coach.
Epilepsy is a cruel mistress.
[softly] Thank you.
[exhaling]
- Hey. - Hello.
Forgive me, but I couldn't help but overhear
your conversation in the dining car.
- My condolences. - Hmm?
About your sister's treacherous predicament.
Oh. She'll be all right.
[exhales]
[sighs]
Hmm.
Do you mind if I ask
how long your sister's been held against her will?
Oh. Listen, um...
Josephine Chesterfield.
Penny Rust.
Delighted.
Eh, what's up?
Uh, listen, I think this is gonna be a really long ride
and clearly you're, like, an exhausting person.
So, I'm just gonna say this.
I don't even have a sister.
Are you saying you lied to that man?
I don't wanna say it too loudly.
[whispers] I'm a con artist.
I con.
But that man was so kind to you,
and he bought your dinner.
Only after I showed him a picture of a hot chick.
See, women have feelings.
So, like, you just had sympathy or pity,
or, I don't know, the other feeling
and men see that quality in us and exploit us.
So all I'm doin' is, like...
[rapping] ♪ Put that thing down Flip it and reverse it ♪
And then I'm now exploiting them.
Are there many women in your industry?
Uh... Sisters in arms, as it were?
Well, not at my level, no.
Yes, clearly you're in a class of your own.
Oh! Except, of course there's Medusa.
Oh?
She's like the O.G. lady con artist.
People say she could freeze a man's assets
with just one look.
Well...
My horizons have certainly been expanded this evening.
Where will the wind take you next?
I'm going to this town on the Med,
Beaumont-Sur-Mer.
Get this, apparently it's crawling with rich dudes.
Well, I'm afraid you've been misinformed.
You see, I live in Beaumont-Sur-Mer
and I think you'll find it's a lesbian community.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
Honestly, you'd do better staying on to Portofino.
Well, maybe I could work a woman.
I don't know how you...
Yeah, I could give it a go.
But isn't your philosophy based on exploiting men?
Penny? Penny.
Sorry, were you... Sorry.
I was just playing this game on my phone.
- [game music playing] - Yes, of course.
I just have to call my mother
to let them know what time to expect me.
[shushing] Please.
[speaking French]
[Penny] So, do you have a car here?
[Josephine] I do.
Oh, great. Do you mind if I, like, scab a lift off you?
[man] What?
You leaving the party already?
Afraid so. Cheerio.
Penny?
Did you say Portofino was the next stop?
Yo, Portofino is going to be turnt!
- [laughing] - [whoops]
[speaking French]
What?
I don't know what you just said,
but the answer is oui.
[all laugh]
[man speaking French]
[all whooping]
How was last night?
It was all I could arrange on such short notice.
Jean and Lil Baguette were perfect.
May I ask the reason for their involvement?
I encountered a sort of pale gypsy
who thought herself something of a grifter.
Surely she was no match for you?
Hmm, one can never be too careful, Brigitte.
A poacher who shoots at rabbits
may scare big game away.
Speaking of...
Next we have Gregor Gregorsky.
Made his fortune in office supplies,
married four times.
He's a romantic.
And he should be arriving... now.
[engine revs]
Who is that with him?
You must save your beautiful sister before she is defiled.
I know, 'cause once she is defiled,
she's, like, less special, don't you reckon?
Brigitte.
Right away.
Gregor, you have no idea what this money will do.
Hit it, Marcel!
- [engine revs] - [yelling]
I'm flying! [laughing]
Oh, shit!
[screaming]
[laughs] Hey!
[continues screaming]
[exhales]
Merci. [laughing]
Mmm, mmm.
All right. Let's go, boys, one more time!
[Penny laughing]
[camera shutter clicking]
You want to press charges?
Da.
Her sister is probably not even virgin.
[sobbing]
[Penny whooping]
[Penny] He gave me the money!
What laws have I actually broken?
Oh.
[groans]
Contraction. Mmm.
[exhales] The stress is not good for the baby.
Ooh, my little baby.
[groaning] Ooh.
We are a tight-knit community
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer, mademoiselle.
We do not want your kind here.
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.
I've heard about your little [mocks] community.
And that's... That's actually why I came.
To do some, like, experimenting.
You know...
Ooh!
Ooh.
[exclaiming]
Oh, no, wrong thing.
Inspector?
Don't you think we can just work something out?
[whispers] Just between us girls?
[bars creaking]
I don't date pregnant women.
[sighs]
Oh, wait! Actually, um, I know somebody here!
You know someone in Beaumont-Sur-Mer?
Yeah, yeah. I bet you'd know her, too.
She's, like, really rich, really important.
She looks like a librarian's corpse, only less lively.
She would have your ass for this.
[clicks tongue] Oh, I see.
What's her name?
- Oh, her name... - Mmm-hmm?
...is Joanna...
Regina.
[stammers] Regina Charleston.
It's Charlotte...
Pemberton.
It's Pamela. Pernilla.
Pendy Simmons.
No, wait, it's...
Janet Maxfield.
Ha! Charlotte Josephson.
Josephine Chesterfield?
Yeah, that is her!
We should... We should call her.
Get her on the line.
Tell her to set me free, please!
[speaking French]
Penny, the charges against you aren't very serious,
but it appears Inspector Desjardins
is keeping you here for your own protection.
- From what? - [exhales]
The man you swindled
is a prominent figure of the Russian mafia.
Shit.
If you were to be released,
you would most certainly be killed,
or worse.
Well, there has to be another option!
One moment.
[grunts in frustration]
[both speaking French]
Oui.
Penny, what do you have on you by way of liquidity?
Uh...
I think I have a travel-size K-Y Jelly in my bag.
It's peach-flavored.
Cash, Penny. How much cash do you have at your disposal?
I have about 10 or 8... Yeah, $8,000.
That might be enough to get you out of the country, but you must promise
never ever, under any circumstances,
to come back to Beaumont-Sur-Mer
ever again.
- Pinky promise. - Hold on, Penny.
The nightmare is almost over.
- [indistinct PA announcement] - Hey, listen,
- I may have been a bit of bitch when we first met. - Oh.
And when I talked about you behind your back.
- Hmm? - And when I posted this.
- Huh. - But you did me a solid
getting me out of jail,
so I think you're a pretty top chick.
Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.
I know it's difficult for you,
but it's better to go unnoticed by Gregor's henchmen.
[indistinct PA announcement]
Au revoir.
Well, I don't get what that means.
Yo, I'm just gonna blend in with you guys.
[exhales]
Hey.
- [choking] - Oh!
Dude! What are you...
You can't just sneak up on a lady like that!
[breathing raspily]
Hmm. You're not really my type...
But the pilot's busy, so...
[continues choking]
Let's just make this quick.
I feel like they're about to serve the meal.
- [raspily] Where is it? - What?
Where is it?
- [clears throat] - Hey...
Nazi Gollum, you're gonna have to speak more clearly.
- Where is it? - What?
I saw you talking with her in the airport.
Josephine?
Is that her real name?
- Are you with her? - Um...
No, I think maybe the police chick is?
They could just be friends.
I don't know. It's hard to tell nowadays.
So, the police woman's part of it?
- Part of what? - The hustle!
Hmm?
She stole my wife's diamond bracelet!
It's worth half a million dollars!
Shit the bed.
And now my wife is filing for divorce.
Are you working with her or not?
No! No, no.
[stammers]
Um...
No, I'm actually working for ASSES.
What?
ASSES? Have you not heard of that?
It's the, um, Australian Securities Services
Intelligently Spying.
- Don't you mean ASIO? - No.
No, they're wankers.
ASSES.
It's the place to be.
And I'm deep, deep, deep in ASSES.
I'm trying to bring her to justice.
- Okay, good. - Yeah.
Good. How can I help?
Well, sir, um...
I believe we should start by having sex
as a cover.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
What was that?
I have standards.
As do I. [scoffs]
I need to take a nap.
As do I. [yawns]
I have many STDs, so...
[whispers] As do I.
[clicking]
[pilot on PA] Mesdames et messieurs,
please fasten your seat belts.
We are experiencing some unexpected turbulence.
- [sighs] - [Penny] Phew!
[Penny groaning]
[Penny] My quads are burning!
Ow! Ow!
Bloody hell! No. Okay.
[panting heavily]
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna puke.
[gags] I'm gonna hold it. I can hold it.
- Penny. - Hello, Janet.
Or should I say...
- [sighs] - Medusa?
- I am not Medusa. - Really?
Take this to the guestroom, butlery person.
- [clattering] - [cat yowls]
Okay, I may need to borrow
a toothbrush, leggings, some thongs.
Oh! Some "going out" thongs.
[Brigitte] Do we have a problem?
Ah! Captain Pantsuit, in on it as well?
All wrapped up in this kebab of lies?
Everything is fine, Brigitte. You and Albert may go.
Yeah. Bye, girls.
I'll take my lunch by the pool!
Just letting you know, I'm salad intolerant.
[sighs] What do you want, Penny?
I want this!
Like, look at this place!
I had no idea how small-time I was until I met you.
Teach me your sugar baby ways.
Shape me
into something great
and richer.
And why would I do that?
Because who knows?
I could be the partner you never knew you needed.
- No, thanks. I work alone. - Hello?
What about Menswear Barbie and Old Crone Ken?
They are employees.
Okay. I get it.
But what you're not getting is that a girl like me
could make it real uncomfortable
for you in this town.
Like a bad case of the herp.
With the right vitamin cocktail, you'll go away.
You do know herpes never goes away, don't you?
[whispers] Doesn't it?
[whispers] No.
Seems like you've set up such deep roots here.
It'd be such a shame for it to all be seized by Interpol.
It'd just take one phone call.
[imitates beeping]
[continues beeping]
Hello, Interpol?
Tell me, Penny...
Why are women better suited to the con than men?
'Cause we're used to faking it? [chuckles]
It comes down to one universal truth.
No man will ever believe a woman is smarter than he is.
We will always be underestimated
and that is what we use.
So this means you're gonna teach me, aren't you?
I'm teaching you now.
Yes!
Wait, what was that last part?
I couldn't hear. You were talking into the ocean.
What do men want?
- Boobs. - No.
Back door.
Front door.
Pegging or, like, a threesome.
What is it? What's the answer?
They want to be heroes.
There is nothing more compelling to a man
than a vulnerable woman.
Observe. [breathes deeply]
[sighs]
Oh, wow. You can just tear up like that.
You can just balance a tear right on that lower lid.
And can you make the tear roll down your cheek?
Oh. Oh. Okay.
But can you make it go back up?
- Now, you try. - Okay.
[whimpers]
- Are you constipated? - No.
Why all the theatrics? You're hot. That's enough.
It is not enough.
"Hot" is not a career.
"Hot" will get you gifts and trinkets,
but you must pay for them in other ways.
Sex, Penny.
Lesson two, research.
"The Suburban White Knight."
This one calls for a basic rescue scam.
A staged drowning
and resuscitation usually fits the bill.
Next we have "The Braggadocio on Holiday."
Just wants a story to tell the boys.
But careful here.
He's a frequent abuser of social media.
[air horn blows]
What the...
- [air horn blowing] - Why the...
[inaudible]
- ...headache! - [horn stops]
Finally, you must be trained for any situation.
[upbeat music playing]
[Albert screams]
[inaudible]
[music continues]
[pops]
[Penny] One, two...
Surprise!
Hello. How do you do? [chuckling]
Yes, isn't it a lovely party?
I know.
I have seven houses.
[grunts]
She's ready.
I'm ready?
Yes!
Whoo!
[Brigitte] Ugh. Mon Dieu!
I don't like it.
She represents everything you despise.
You know, the water level at the quarry
is higher than normal this time of year.
They would not find her body
- until the spring. - Hmm.
Just say the word,
or don't and you maintain your innocence,
and I will do it anyway.
Nonsense.
We're taking her in gracefully
in order to get her out gracefully.
Was that the word?
"Gracefully"?
Trust me, Brigitte. It'll all work out in our favor.
With Penny, we can finally run the "Lord of the Rings" play.
You truly believe she is ready for something so elaborate?
Who's the first mark?
[Josephine's voice breaks] Oh, Howard.
I can't marry you.
[sobbing]
[Howard] Oh...
- [sniffles] - Now, settle down, cupcake.
What problem's so big you don't think
Howard Bacon can fix it, huh?
How could you marry a woman so beneath you?
What are you saying, snickerdoodle?
You are 63rd in line to the British throne.
I know, but I'm bankrupt.
The title's all I have left.
Oh, Howard, do you think me a...
gold digger? [breathing shakily]
[continues sobbing]
Oh, peanut butter cup.
Now, listen here.
We're gonna get married,
we're gonna fly home to Fort Worth.
I'mma introduce you to my golfing buddies
and then when I run for Senate,
you're gonna be by my side.
Beautiful and silent.
You're not gonna break my heart now, are you, sugarbooger?
Oh, Howard.
I'm helpless against your food-themed endearments.
The only thing you're gonna have to worry about
how that Texas humidity's gonna affect your hair.
My hair looks like this in any climate, darling,
and Hortense loves wet heat.
Hortense?
My sister. Didn't I tell you about her?
I couldn't possibly leave her behind.
Are you telling me I'm gonna go home
with two princesses on my arm?
[giggling] Would you like to see her?
Oh, lead the way. [chuckles]
If you think me regal in the least,
wait until you meet my sweet sister. Oof!
I haven't an ounce of the majesty Hortense possesses.
There are no private beaches on the Cote d'Azur,
but you put up one sign that says "toxic waste," et voila!
Granny was so clever.
- Mmm. - Your sister lives in there?
Mmm-hmm, yes, in her cozy castle keep.
[keys clanking]
- Ah. - [gate creaks]
This way.
Your tetanus is up to date, yes?
What?
[Josephine] Every royal family has its black sheep, of course,
but not Hortense and me.
Nanny Gertrude raised us to be two levelheaded young ladies.
We're so normal, it's practically boring.
Now remember, at no point
should you turn your back on her.
Because she's royalty?
If you like.
Ah, here we are.
Hortense, I've brought a guest!
- I wonder where she's hiding. - Hmm.
- Don't be shy. - [keys clanking]
Oh. I know.
Maybe her subjects can flush her out.
[fanfare playing on speakers]
Ah! There she is!
My only living relative.
- Shall we pay her a visit? - [keys clatter]
Princess Hortense of House Northumberton-Saxe-Hapsburg,
may I present to you Howard Bacon.
Uh...
[stammers] My ma'am... Lady.
Sir Bacon, welcome to thy kingdom.
I have food for your men
and water for your horses and whores.
[laughs] Hortense.
She knows you haven't got any horses.
Lucretia, pour the mead.
[quietly] Lucretia, you dumb bitch,
don't embarrass me in front of the guests.
Yes, there is much to celebrate, beloved sister.
I bring wonderful news.
Howard and I are to be married.
Really?
You and you?
Hortense...
Hortense, do not drop that coronet.
[clatters]
Use your words, not the heirlooms.
Whoops!
[yelling]
Why?
I think I know what this is about.
[Penny] Die! No!
Don't fret, sissy. You shan't be left behind.
- [Howard clears throat] - [Josephine] You, Howard, and I
are going to live together in Texas.
- Texas? Hurrah! - [laughs]
This calls for a celebration pole dance.
[laughing]
[vocalizing]
Promise, if anything should happen to me,
you'll look after her.
[gasps] Ooh. I invoke prima nocta.
[Josephine] Absolutely.
This shall be a traditional wedding in every respect.
Prima nocta.
Prima nocta! Prima nocta!
Uh, what's prima nocta? [chuckles]
Oh. Once the eldest daughter consummates her marriage,
it is the second daughter's divine right
either to bed the groom or fight him in a duel.
In either case, your performance
shall be judged by a panel of courtiers.
But you don't mind, do you, darling?
[singing] ♪ Second sister Gets sloppy seconds ♪
[both] ♪ Or you die ♪
[both harmonizing]
Muffin, wedding's off.
But Howard! The ring!
Keep it!
[laughing]
Enrique, do go on. You were saying how
even though you yourself have benefited economically
from immigrating to America,
you don't feel any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed into Palm Beach?
Yes, I believe...
Sister! Sister! Sister!
Hortense! Manners, please!
Is this how we behave in front of a guest?
Sorry.
Pardon the intrusion,
but can I beg leave to go to the toilet?
Yes, of course, my turtle dove.
Thank you.
Kind sir, would you help me with this?
The lock-eth has rust-eth.
[Josephine] Hortense!
Did I not expressly forbid you
from wearing your virtue panties in the pool?
- [metal creaking] - Albert! She's done it again.
Ahhh! Not the flame!
Release the peasants!
She must mean "pheasants," yes?
Hmm? Of course not.
Oh, don't worry, darling. She's a terrible shot.
[panting]
[Penny] Peasant ho!
See?
- [sneezes] - [Albert groans]
[giggles]
That was unexpected. [laughs]
Brigitte, your 20,000.
You just got a lot more attractive, Bridge.
Albert, your 10.
Still wouldn't bang you, Albert.
[laughs]
Thank you, all.
What do you mean, "Thank you, all"?
No, where's my cashola?
Hmm? Where's my cut?
Where's the big chunka... [exclaims]
...to come in to me, of the cash?
[chuckles] The student doesn't earn wages
until after graduation.
[chuckles] When the hell is that?
I've been killing myself
playing Hortense the Feral Princess,
while you just prance around, not having sex with people.
Penny, how much money do you have?
Be honest, now.
$500,000.
Oh. Good for you.
It's an adorable little nest egg.
All in cash I presume?
Bitcoin. Why? How much money do you have?
Hmm? Oh, assets and liquidity, um, 28.32 million.
Ah, okay, I didn't know
we were counting assets and liquidity.
In that case, I have, uh...
still 500,000.
And how do you think I grew that wealth?
By investing wisely.
I've invested in you, Penny.
And I must see a robust return
before I can share the profits.
But you wouldn't have any profits
if it wasn't for me, okay?
Let's face it, we're a team on this.
Penny, if you want to be like me, then you're going to have...
I don't wanna be like you!
Why would I wanna be like you?
I don't wanna be some loser
that looks like a colorful Beetlejuice.
Oh, sorry, Julie Andrews just called.
She said she wants her voice back.
We all know you're actually from Wisconsin
and you stay in this house eating weird salads
and drinking alcohol
that doesn't get you hammered fast enough.
And you're like,
"Oh! I better check all my precious stocks
on the NASCAR index."
And, "Oh, wait,
let me just collect another little boy's head,
or another dinosaur clitoris,
or another little statue of a..."
[yelping] That's alive.
Yes, that is a Madagascan blue panther chameleon.
It's one of the last of its kind.
[gasps sarcastically] Is it?
Just like you.
Well, you know what, Jo?
I don't give a crap if you're a legend in the game.
If you're not gonna pay me for work that I've actually done,
then I'm out!
Screw you, Medusa!
[Josephine] I'm not Medusa.
[footsteps receding]
[door slams]
And she's gone.
[smacking lips]
[exhales]
[gasps]
[whimpers softly]
Are you... Are you all right, miss?
[Penny] Oh, is there a doctor in the house?
Oh, somebody, please, help me!
What are the signs of a stroke?
I can't feel my tits!
- [groans] - [all gasp]
- [man] Goodness me! - [indistinct chatter]
Are you all right, miss?
Are you okay?
[in Australian accent] She's all right. Aren't you, sis?
Yeah, I'm feeling so much better, actually.
Good on you. That's my chook. Come on.
[man] Come on. Let's get you up.
- [Penny] Yeah. - No worries.
I think it was just a big burp.
- You enjoy the sun. - [man] My pleasure.
What's up, Jo?
[normal voice] I thought you were leaving, Pen.
I was, and then... [clicks tongue]
I just realized this place is great.
There just isn't room for both of us
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer.
Mmm. Agree to unagree.
This is my home
and my place of work
and you are a bull in my china shop.
Well, you don't really affect my life that much.
Oh, piss off, you moonfaced troll!
- [inhales sharply] - Whoa!
Careful there.
People might think you're more than just an animatronic cocktease.
Okay, come on.
[Penny grunting]
Ow! Arm!
Hands off the merchandise.
I bruise like a peach.
Shall we settle this with a friendly wager?
Like a turf war?
Whoever wins gets dibs on the town?
Loser leaves for good.
Well, what's the bet?
We choose a man.
First to extract a set sum from him wins.
That sounds like a party. Yeah, how much?
How about your net worth? 500,000?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that too rich for your blood?
[scoffs] Are you kidding?
My blood is, like, 98% white chocolate mousse.
So, I can... I can handle it, yeah.
Who's the mark?
[man yelps]
[man] Monsieur!
- [coughing] - [Penny] How about that guy?
He's 12.
Ah, too young for your blood?
Guillaume?
Is that boy a guest at the hotel?
[Guillaume] Yes, that is Thomas Westerberg.
He is the inventor of YaBurnt.
- Shut my back door. - [Josephine] What? Why?
What is YaBurnt?
Honestly?
Jo, are you, like, 100 years old?
It's, like, this really cool app where it sends all your friends
these disgusting insults
and then they disappear after 10 seconds.
Why would anyone want that?
Why would anyone want Christmas, either?
So, he's a tech millionaire?
Billionaire, I bet.
So, do we have a deal?
One week.
May the best con win.
[instrumental music playing]
Hey, uh, do you mind if I spin the thingy next round?
Okay. That's your job.
Shut up, Thomas.
- [Croupier] Monsieur. - Yes?
Please place your bets.
No more bets.
- Eighteen red. - [gasps]
[chuckles]
[Penny] Sorry, comin' through.
Sorry, excuse me.
- [woman] My goodness! - [Penny] Sorry, miss, please.
Oi, blind person here. Move! Move!
- Yeah. - [women exclaim]
Yeah.
Oh. Pardon the intrusion,
but could somebody tell me
if there's an empty chair at this table?
No, mademoiselle. The table is full.
Oh. Okey-dokey.
No, miss. Miss? Excuse me. You can have my chair.
Oh, a hero.
Oh, but it's not necessary.
Perhaps if, um, this person scoots over,
we could just squeeze in another chair.
- Yeah, sure. - Do you mind, sir?
Would you mind just, um...
[Thomas] Right behind you.
- Oh. - [Thomas] There you go.
- Thank you. - All right?
Wow. What wonderful blind person etiquette.
My nana was blind.
[gasps] Was she?
I had no idea.
[whispers] Research.
[Croupier] Please place your bets.
Oh. Do you want me to place a bet for you?
Yeah, could you?
- Yeah, of course. - But can you choose?
I feel like I need somebody else's luck right now.
- Sure. - Okay.
All right, keep your fingers crossed.
[Croupier] No more bets.
Twenty-one red.
How did we do?
We lost. I'm so sorry.
- What? - Yeah, it happens.
That was my last chance.
Last chance? For...
Wait! Miss!
Miss, wait. Miss?
[Croupier] Monsieur, your chips.
- Oh, yeah, thank you. - [clattering]
[Penny whimpering]
Thank you, thank you. Sorry.
Thank you. Miss!
[all gasp]
Miss! Miss?
[croupier] Your winnings.
[sighs]
Miss! Miss? Miss? Excuse me? Hi.
You left your cane.
Oh, thanks for bringing it back.
I'm so embarrassed. Did I, like, cause a big scene?
No, no. It's okay. But you said something in there.
You said that that was your last chance.
- What for? - To help my sister.
- Oh. - She's my baby sister.
- Oh. - You're looking at a picture
of a really hot girl, right?
Uh... Yes. Yeah, I am.
Are my eyes tearing up?
[whispers] 'Cause sometimes I can't tell.
[speaks French]
[in English] At least you won big, huh?
Not yet.
Go and see what big-titted Russell Crowe is up to.
[Thomas] Here. Here you go, Penny.
No, no, no, Thomas. I cannot take that.
- Yes, you can, Penny. - No, I can't.
Penny, you have to.
Your sister needs that final cleft palate surgery.
Yeah, she does.
- Penny... - Hmm?
What about you?
What do you mean, what about me?
Well, do you mind if I ask you how you...
got blind?
Yeah.
My condition is 100% mental.
Hysterical blindness?
It's not that funny to me, Thomas.
No, I know. What I mean is,
it means there's hope for you to see again.
Right?
People say that, but I've tried everything.
Hypnosis, drugs...
I even hired this guy Barry to follow me around
and scare me in parking structures.
- He'd just be like, "Hey!" - [gasps]
[laughs]
Turns out this is not like having the hiccups.
Well, there must be something.
Well, there is, like, this one psychologist,
up in this clinic in Germany,
that does, like, really cutting-edge stuff.
But it's so expensive.
Well, how much does this doctor charge?
$500,000.
- Damn! - I know!
But Dr. Schauffhaussen is that gifted. [sighs]
[dismissive sigh] Forget about it.
What is sight worth, anyways?
$500,000?
Seems so.
[speaking French]
[in English] She's using all your tricks!
Fine.
Let's use some of hers.
[Penny] But enough about me. Let's talk about you.
What's your story?
No, well, no story, really.
These French investor guys, uh, flew me out here,
I guess to hear about my new venture.
- Oh. - But I'm starting to feel like
they just want another YaBurnt.
- Ya-what? - YaBurnt.
It's an app that I designed.
Oh. [chuckles] Like an appetizer?
I love 'em when they're bottomless.
- [laughing] - [exclaiming]
[muffled] That's good!
- No, not an appetizer. - Oh.
An app like an application for a smartphone.
Oh, okay.
But my new concept,
it's something that I think could really help people...
if anyone would actually listen to what I have in mind.
I get it.
You're a really kind guy.
I could see that...
If only I could see.
Penny...
Penny, what is the name of that doctor you told me about?
Oh, um...
Doctor...
Schauffhaussen.
- Schauffhaussen. - Schauffhaussen.
How do you spell that? Is that S-C-H?
- Sure. - Okay.
Wait, what are you doing?
I'm looking him up online.
Not much is known about the good doctor.
I hear he's a recluse.
No, I found his website.
- Really? - Awesome.
- Whoa. - [both laugh]
No, here's an e-mail address.
Okay, you're kidding me.
Whoa. No way.
- [laughing] Yeah. - No way.
I've sent something. There we go.
- See what happens. - Thomas, no, you...
- Oh... - No.
You really shouldn't have.
Let's not get our hopes up.
- Okay. - [cell phone chimes]
He responded!
- [laughs] - Of course he did.
Oh, it's an out-of-office reply.
Oh. [chuckles]
Let's see if he's on social media.
Oh, my God.
- No way! Oh, my God. - What?
Uh, excuse me, sir?
Hi. Uh, hi. My name's Thomas
and my friend Penny really, really needs your help.
I just saw your photo on Instagram,
and I had to come find you.
This is beyond coincidence.
It means something that you're here. Um...
So, what do you say, Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Will you help my friend?
[speaking Dutch]
[chuckles softly]
Siri, I need to learn German.
[Josephine in German accent] That is not German.
That is Dutch.
Oh, um...
Hi, we met at the roulette table.
That is incorrect. We did not meet.
Otherwise, you would know that I...
You're Dr. Schauffhaussen?
- Precisely. - [Thomas chuckles]
[both speaking Dutch]
Auf Wiedersehen.
No, wait, Dr. Schauffhaussen. I'm sorry if I offended you.
[in English] I am not offended.
It's just that I looked you up online,
I couldn't find a photo
and, I don't know,
I just didn't think you would be a woman.
I am offended now.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Please don't punish Penny for my sexism.
Penny?
Is this Penny from Cootamundra, Australia?
Yes! Yeah, that's her.
I remember her letters. Such a tragic case.
- Good luck to you both. - Wait.
Dr. Schauffhaussen, what do I have to do
to get you to see her here, tonight?
- Young man... - Thomas.
Thomas, it would be inappropriate
and unprofessional of me
to see patients while on my holiday.
Well, if it's a matter of money, I can...
You haven't given her any money, have you?
Well, some. But just for her sister.
You must not, under any circumstances,
give the patient money.
Otherwise, this reinforces the notion
that she's totally disabled
rendering the treatment kaput!
Wait, so you will treat her?
[sighs] I agree to an initial examination.
- Yes! - I am too much the softie.
Where is she now?
[TV playing indistinctly]
[door opens]
[Thomas] Penny?
Coming. Just one second! One sec.
[Thomas] I've got a surprise for ya.
- Thomas, where did you go? - Yeah?
You'll never guess who I found.
- Who? - [Josephine] Who do you think?
It's Dr. Frederika Schauffhaussen.
[laughing] Oh, she can't believe it!
[Josephine] Believe it, Fraulein.
I am here to help you, dear girl.
Dr. Schauffhaussen was having dinner at the hotel tonight.
I saw her Insta post. Isn't it incredible?
Incredible.
I must make my assessment of the patient.
- Thomas? - Yes?
I require a chair.
A warning.
My methods are unorthodox.
You understand?
- Yes. - Thank you.
Remove your person from the treatment space.
Oh. Okay, uh, here?
[Josephine speaks German]
[in English] Sit.
So, you can see absolutely nothing?
No shapes, no light, no color?
No, nothing at all. That's what I said...
Silence!
Hey, I need that.
You will no longer use this crutch of the mind.
[groans softly]
Stubborn like the patient.
I see.
You do not, but I see.
[Josephine grunts]
Has the test started yet?
Impressive.
Okay, Penny.
How about this?
[blowing]
I am funneling the air directly into your eye cavity.
My mouth hole is very narrow.
You should not be feeling this.
[continues blowing]
I just smell salmon.
It's very interesting.
The body reacts, but the mind does not.
Penny, I would like you to have a little snack.
But you must guess the food that you're eating, ja?
[Penny] Yeah, that sounds easy enough.
I will ready the snack.
[singing in German]
Okay, Penny.
Here comes the choo-choo train.
Open wide.
Aah...
[gags]
What is that?
[muffled] A french fry.
Mmm. Can I have another one?
[Josephine speaks German]
[in English] You are a very good blind person.
As such, you must surely know
the number of steps between you and the door.
[Penny] Uh-huh.
And the number from the door to the elevator.
Because this is how the visually impaired function in the world.
Otherwise you would be running into things all the time, ja?
Yeah, I know all the steps.
Ja.
Okay, Penny.
I have opened the door.
An unobstructed path exists.
I want you to run full-speed down hallway
and stop in front of the elevator.
You can do this, then, ja?
Yeah, well, of course, then.
Yeah, it's pretty simple for a blind person
to just run in a straight line, so...
[Josephine speaks German]
[in English] As fast as you can. Go!
- Um, now? - Ja!
[exhales]
- [thud] - [objects clattering]
[Thomas] Penny!
I will take the case.
Come, Thomas, I give you a tour.
Okay.
- Should we... Oh. - [Josephine] Come.
Quickly now.
- But what about... - [Josephine] Thank you.
[Penny] Is this it?
Hello? [stammers]
We're here?
Hello? Uh...
Oh, it's on.
Dr. Schauffhaussen, about your fee.
I have to move a few things around,
but I'll have it for you really soon.
- Oh. - [Penny] Hey, guys?
I think somebody accidentally locked the front door.
Guys? Guys, are you there?
[object shattering]
Whoa! Uh, sorry!
I hope that wasn't a priceless work of art or anything!
What if she gets hurt out there?
This is precisely why we do not intervene, Thomas.
Negative reinforcement is the prescription.
It is our job, yours und mine,
- to have fun. - Fun?
- Fun. - Okay.
You're thinking I am loony tune, ja?
- I am not. - No?
If we do this in front of Penny, have the fun,
she will want nothing more than to join us
- in our seeing fun. - [glass squeaking]
Yeah.
Why do I smell clinical strength lady douche wipes?
Oh.
Very strong.
No pity, Thomas. Only fun.
I also smell early menopause.
[Josephine] Now, the house.
[singing in German]
Why are we doing this again?
Just as you take Thomas's arm when we walk,
so you take my leash when we ride.
That makes zero sense.
A hill approaches.
[panting heavily]
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
- Merci. - Merci, merci.
This Cabernet. Oh, I love this one.
It turns quite chewy,
- und you can really taste oak. - Can I have some?
Oh. Of course, Penny. You may have some of mine.
[Thomas] Oh.
[stammers] Is there a glass here?
[Josephine] You may drink the wine
when you see the glass well enough to seize it.
[gasps]
Oh. Oh, God. Did I spill something just now?
[speaks German]
Oh, I'm so clumsy.
Dr. Schauffhaussen, um, let me help you.
Oh, no. I feel terrible.
Did I spill wine on your...
[exhales]
Waiter!
[dance music playing]
Uh, are you sure that this is helping Penny?
Oh, trust me, this is for Penny's sake.
Okay.
[Josephine] You should see us, Penny.
Thomas and I are dancing.
[Penny] Oh, I wish I could.
But you can, Penny. You can.
Yeah, I could also eat my own shit,
but I'm not doing that either.
It's okay, I'll just stand here minding your bag.
She's got a fuzzbox and knows how to use it.
Pardon?
Your friend with the bony ass
grinding away on that poor boy.
Oh.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind so much.
It's just that he used to be my boyfriend.
[all gasp] He was not!
And she's my best friend.
[all gasp] She is not!
[other Chloe] Oh, my God.
Babe, you are, like, actually blind.
Oh, babe.
Blind as in "can't see" blind?
It was when I lost my sight that she moved in on him.
[all gasp] Shut up.
Watch us, Penny.
The way our bodies move in unison.
So sensual.
Right. I'm hitting her really hard in her vagina.
It's just if I could work out some way to get him alone,
then maybe he wouldn't call off the wedding.
You leave it with us, all right? I mean,
we are practically professionals,
my little blind poppet.
Girls, toilet.
[toilet flushes]
That color looks boss on you.
Danke.
What is this?
It's a little thing we invented called Varma.
Karma.
[other Chloe] Oh, it is on.
It is on like Kim Kardashian.
[both laugh]
- Is that nice? - Yeah, you want some?
- Oh, uh, yeah, sure. - Oh, sorry.
Uh...
Yeah. Thank you.
Uh, it's kinda weird that Dr. Schauffhaussen
just disappeared like that, right?
Germans are so spontaneous.
It's probably just part of her crazy treatment plan.
Yeah, don't give up on that, Penny, okay?
I mean, I know that it's hard,
but there's so much that you deserve to see.
Like this view,
and these lights,
and the face you make
when you think I'm being a dork.
What, this one?
[laughs] Yeah, that one.
But that one...
- That one's my favorite. - What?
- That one. - No, what?
Shut up.
Well, you'll just have to take my word for it.
As the sole sighted person between us,
you're beautiful, Penny.
Anyway, I'm sure Dr. Schauffhaussen's gonna
break out the big psychological guns
once I actually give her the fee.
Oh, um, yeah, about that. I was gonna say to you,
is it possible to give me the money
and then I'll just give it to Dr. Schauffhaussen?
- Oh. - I know this will sound silly,
but it would just make me feel like I'm less of a charity case.
Totally. I completely understand. I, um...
I just have to, uh, sell the last of my stock.
Wait, don't you own, like, the whole company?
- [laughs] - You're, like, so rich.
- No. - No?
No. Um...
The algorithm for YaBurnt was mine,
but the seed investors actually bought me out.
Yeah, for how much?
A cool million.
Um, but I only have 400,000 left.
Uh, but it's okay. My nana's gonna... She's gonna loan me the rest.
So, after you pay the Dr. Schauffhaussen fee, you'd be broke?
[stammers] Yeah, but it's fine.
Because I have a lot of good ideas,
and hoodies are cheap.
I don't get it though.
Why would you bankrupt yourself
for someone you don't even know?
Like, I'm a stranger.
[chuckles] Well, my nana...
My nana always said that the best thing
money can do is good.
And you getting to see again is good.
Plus, you're not a stranger.
You're Penny.
Yes, I am.
[door opens and closes]
[Josephine] Honey, I'm home.
Oh, please.
You think I can't handle the Real Housewives of Essex?
It took a considerable amount of limoncello
and several rounds of arm wrestling,
but c'est la vie.
The bet's off, Jo.
Oh, don't go, Penny.
You've taught me so much about love.
We need to find another mark.
No, absolutely not.
I have had about as much of this
absurd interlude with you as I can bear.
- [clatters] - Those are decorative.
He's a good guy, Jo.
That's a moxy-noron, Pen.
Okay, you know, back in the day
when I was just catfishing,
there was always this one moment where I would decide,
"I'm gonna take your money."
And it wasn't when they fell
for the superficial hot girl bait
or when they texted dick pics like complete animals.
It was when we'd meet up in person
and I'd come in
and he'd just
look at me like that.
And that's when I'd decide to rob him blind.
But when Thomas looks at me, he doesn't do that.
He's just different.
He's a genuinely nice person.
Yeah, but we're not nice women, Penny, are we?
And this isn't a likability contest.
Lucky for you, 'cause I'd win.
Would you?
[laughing] Please. Thomas loves me.
He loves you?
Like, I mean he'll do whatever I want.
Well, then it appears we have our solution.
If you don't have the stomach to take money
from your darling Thomas,
darling Thomas becomes the bet.
But I thought you didn't nail your marks.
Evidently, we must up the ante in this little game of ours.
Unless, of course, you feel you're outmatched.
[scoffing] Please. Guys love asses,
but not when there's something already stuck up there.
Then we're agreed.
Thomas is the bet.
Yeah.
[chuckles]
Well, [yawns] okay.
I should really get to bed,
'cause I've got such a big day of seduction tomorrow.
Oh, absolutely.
How about a bedtime story?
- Oh, no, that's not necessary. - Albert!
Oh. Hi.
- Thank you. - Oh, that's not good.
I do so admire their spirit.
[whispering] Less so their spray tans.
Ladies.
[women squeal]
All right, my babe.
Ah.
[blows raspberry]
Oh, so you thought you could play us, yeah?
Ladies, I can explain.
Babes, this is not a good situation for you.
My cousin's got the blinds
- from the diabetes. - Diabetes.
Don't go to the hotel now, Jo.
Give it the night. He'll be more energetic in the morning.
[Shiraz] Oh, you're not going anywhere.
Ladies, pass me the superglue.
[Penny yells]
[knock on door]
- Thomas. - Dr. Schauffhaussen.
Please...
Call me Frederika.
Okay.
- [clatters] - Oh, God. I'm sorry.
Come on in.
Um...
[Josephine] Thank you.
A little treat for us.
We've been working so hard for sweet Penny.
We deserve to be a little selfish, ja?
Some say these are an aphrodisiac.
- Oh, no, thank... - Oh!
Oh, God. I'm so sorry, Doctor...
No! I got it. It's fine, it's fine.
I got it, I got it. It's...
Thank you.
Thomas...
I must be candid.
I'm here under false pretenses.
- You are? - Ja.
Okay.
[grunts]
I hope this isn't inappropriate,
but would you help me with mein coding?
"Mein coding"?
Ja, I'm having trouble with my website.
- Oh, coding! - Hmm.
Yeah, sure. What seems to be the problem?
Well...
When I use JavaScript, the HTTP crawler
is not scraping the metadata correctly
and I am losing the CSS properties.
Well, did you try parsing the CSS separately using regex?
I did not.
[Thomas] Hmm.
[typing]
Fixed! Well, it's been a really long day.
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna...
Are you aware that it is a full moon tonight?
Ah.
I love to feel the air on my skin.
Right. Aren't you kinda cold though?
What are you doin'?
I feel reckless tonight, Thomas.
Okay, that's not funny. Can you come inside now?
If I fell, would you catch me?
Stop it.
Don't.
Don't!
Oh! [gasps]
Thomas.
- Dr. Schauffhaussen... - Frederika.
You've taught me so much about discipline...
I can teach you more.
- ...and integrity. - Ja, sure.
I think we should keep things professional between us.
- Aw... - For Penny's sake.
For Penny's sake?
Of course.
Well, I'll just...
Go.
[grunts]
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wait.
Mmm. Thomas.
[door closes]
Oh. Albert? Albert. Hey, man.
Um... Just a shot in the dark.
Do you happen to have superglue remover?
Holy crap. How did you have that?
Yeah, that's awesome.
Yes. Legend.
Uh...
Albert?
Oh, come on, that's just cruel!
[grunting]
[groaning]
- [rips] - [Penny] Ow!
Hey, you. Hey.
Do you know who Josephine Chesterfield is?
Or Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Oui, mademoiselle. We know all her aliases.
She's very generous.
Uh...
Hmm? All right, so was she here last night?
Oui, with the tech boy.
Damn it. Okay, um...
Well, wait. When she left,
did she seem, like, you know, satisfied?
Like, you know, like, she'd got some?
- Oh, no. - No?
She hasn't left yet.
[knocks]
Yeah, I know you won. I'm getting outta here.
Uh... What did I... What did I win?
Thomas, what are you doing here?
[stammers] I'm here to say goodbye.
Where's Dr. Schauffhaussen, then?
Um... I don't know.
This morning, she kind of left in a hurry
and now I have to go.
The investors are, um,
they're flying me home.
I just needed to say,
Penny, you're the one genuine,
good thing that happened to me here.
Anyway, um...
Bye, Penny.
Thomas, wait! Don't go!
[yelps, screaming]
[groaning]
[grunts]
- [groans] - Penny!
Oh, my God! Penny, are you okay?
This has been a brutal week.
[groans]
Dick.
Wait, Penny, could you just see Albert?
Uh...
Did you just look at me? Can you see me?
Is your hair brownish?
Yes! Yes, it is!
Wait, Penny.
Can you read that?
No, that's in French.
Oh. Sorry.
What about this?
"Social anxiety. You're not the problem, the world is."
Yes! Penny, you can see!
I can finally see your face!
- Oh, that's probably a bummer. - No, come off it!
- You got such a nice face. - Oh.
I guess Dr. Schauffhaussen's money
was put to good use, huh?
What do you mean?
You didn't give her the 500,000, did you?
Yeah, of course.
I wanted to make sure that your treatment continued.
No, no. But that was all that you had.
It was worth every penny, Penny.
[Thomas chuckles]
Wait a minute. I don't understand.
You're giving me $500,000?
[Penny] My sister just won the lottery in Australia.
And she used my birthday and my bra size,
so she owes me.
I can't let you cover my medical expenses.
Well, regardless, I cannot accept this.
Thomas, no, I insist.
Well, I resist.
Stop. It's a $2 transaction fee every time.
Oh, shit. Well, it's in your account now.
No take-backs.
Okay.
Penny...
Do you wanna come?
- Come with me. - I'm not coming with you.
Why not?
'Cause you don't know me.
Not the real me.
Well, I'd like to,
if you ever change your mind.
All right.
[siren blaring]
What have you done?
How could you let him leave?
[Penny] What are you talking about?
You won the bet.
[yells in frustration] Stop!
Come back! Come back! Come back! No! No!
[grunts]
[screaming]
[Penny] Aw, the plane didn't stop for the crazy lady.
Here she comes.
Walk of shame. Walk of shame. Walk of shame.
Last night I went to his room
and, yes, I tried to seduce him.
And I thought I was getting somewhere, too,
because he turned out the lights,
but it was only to show me a PowerPoint presentation
all about his new app.
Once he had finished his pitch,
I assumed we'd go to bed.
Then he said he's bit of a germophobe,
so would I mind taking a shower,
and I was insulted,
but I complied for the sake of the bet.
And when I emerged, he was gone, my clothes were gone,
my jewelry, my phone, my laptop,
even my limited edition Jimmy Choos!
[scoffs]
[laughing] Come off it.
You expect me to believe
that that kind guy tried to jack your Jimmy Choos
when he just returned to me $500,000
that I tried to give him?
Why did you give him $500,000?
Because that's the amount you stole from him.
No! [grunts in frustration]
That is what I'm saying, tits for brains!
I didn't steal from him.
I invested in his app!
How much?
$500,000.
[cell phone chimes]
It's from Thomas.
[screams] No!
Let me see! Let me see!
"Penny, I honestly meant what I said just now,
but here's the thing.
Con artists make the best marks of all.
I was taught that by my nana. Or as you may know her...
Medusa."
[gasps]
That means...
You're Thomas's nana.
- Oh, you sick perv! - No! Christ, Penny!
Clearly, Thomas's nana was Medusa,
and she passed the torch on to him and now he's the new Medusa.
What is wrong with you?
He didn't transfer me the Bitcoin back.
He still has my 500,000.
And my 500,000.
Did we just give that boy a million dollars?
[yelling] Are you kidding me?
- Of all the lying... - No!
...two-faced, conniving,
- cheating, slimy... - Dude, are you serious?
...millennial bastard hacker grifter...
I'm so angry and horny right now!
...shit-stain assholes,
he is the worst!
[breathing heavily]
But he is kinda awesome, too, right?
[yelling]
Albert, I'm sorry for calling your balls skeletal.
I know there's nothing hard down there.
Suck it.
[Penny sighs]
Thanks for letting me stay the extra two weeks.
One more than agreed upon.
Yeah, it was cozy, wasn't it?
[clicks tongue] Mmm!
What will your next chapter be?
I was thinking of going to Thailand.
Maybe Bangkok
or Phuket.
Phuket.
No, that's not how you say it.
[sighs]
What's this?
It's your cut of the "Lord of the Rings" con.
- Oh! [gasps] - Minus expenses, of course.
Wardrobe, catering, prosthetics, et cetera.
And the cost of the vases that you broke.
And the plumbing issues I caused.
- What? - Hmm?
[Josephine clears throat]
Au revoir.
[Thomas] Yello! Make a hole, people. Make a hole.
'Scuse me, comin' through.
Come on, Ritchie comin' through, baby.
'Scuse me, 'scuse me. Thank you very much.
Okay, yeah. Thank you very much.
All right. Okay.
Intros.
Cathy! Cathy, baby, you get that
rock-hard caboose up here this minute.
[Cathy] Ritchie, slow down!
I have to catch my breath.
Oh, shut it, doll.
You're in mint condition and you know it.
Okay, so here's the story.
I was showing Cathy here some luxury property in Capri,
when I realized that this lady's
got some high-class taste.
And I don't just mean for real estate, nope.
Cathy's an animal lover, see,
but she doesn't just like regular doggies and birdies.
She likes special furry friends who are maybe, oh,
a little illegal. Is that right, Cathy?
Yes it is. Now, Cathy, what is it you wanted to start?
It was a monastery or something?
A rare animal sanctuary and spa.
I love it.
So I say to Cathy,
"You'll have to meet my friends."
We hopped in the dinghy,
we set sail, and here we are!
Cathy, I want y'all to meet South Africa's
most celebrated and discreet endangered species dealer,
Imka Bekker.
Say, what's wrong, Imka?
Exotic cat got your tongue?
[laughing] No.
[in South African accent] Howzit, Cathy?
It's such a pleasure to meet a fellow wildlife enthusiast.
I love the springboks, myself.
[Thomas] Oh! Me too. Me too.
Look at me being a total jackass.
I forgot to introduce Imka's right-hand woman.
Ladies and gentlemen, if y'all ever need
a crocodile just wrestled into submission,
Sheila Malarkey is your gal.
Oh, but Sheila lost her tongue tragically
to a very small but ferocious red-crested wombat.
God bless her soul.
Shame.
She can sign, though. Can't you, Sheila?
[Thomas] Yes. [laughs]
Yes, she can.
[both exclaim]
- [Thomas] Okey-dokey. - Yoh. Okay, okay.
[Cathy] What's she saying?
Okey-dokey.
She says, everyone, please,
up to the house and please enjoy some of her ice cream.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
Who likes ice cream?
I scream, you scream.
Everybody follow me, ladies and gentlemen.
We're headin' up this stone path, right here.
Cathy, take this.
Everybody, look at Cathy. She's the alpha dog.
I want you to follow her all the way up.
Keep going! At the top, you're gonna find a little penguin man.
He's gonna spark the fuse on the barbecue, baby,
'cause we're havin' red meat, baby!
[whooping]
[laughing]
[Thomas sighs]
This year I made $6 million.
So far.
Impressive.
How irritating.
But together, we could make so much more.
So much more.
You guys are fantastic at what you do.
My nana would absolutely love you.
The three of us...
that'd be one hell of a team.
You played me.
Penny, the only thing I never lied about was you.
[sighs]
Listen...
First million pays us back.
The second million will be your apology.
Yeah, and if you ever double-cross us again,
I withhold sex for a whole year.
Or six months.
No, let's go with 24 hours.
For like...
Until midmorning, I will not be open as a shop.
- [sighs] You done? - Okay.
So don't cross us ever again.
Deal.
So, are we doin' this?
[Todd] Come on! They went down this way.
Hurry up!
Damn it! We lost them.
How could you lose them?
How could you give 'em £200,000?
Uh, designer nipples are not cheap.
Plus, that's like 500 American dollars.
- It really isn't. - Hey! Hey, buddy!
Did you see two women run by here a minute ago?
Oh, uh, yeah, with massive wads of cash?
- [Todd] Yeah. - Yeah.
Uh, they ran that way.
Well, let's go!
Come on! Radio for backup or somethin'.
Lucky Christmas dress, you did it again.
I must say, Penny,
these outfits are terribly clever.
Old but gold.
Happy Christmas.
Thomas, I got you a present.
[Thomas] Thank you, Santa.
[Josephine] Oh, I'm still here.
[Josephine] Hortense, is that what that's used for?
I don't see any butter on that knife.
Now, Enrique, you were saying that even though you yourself
have benefited economically from immigrating to America,
you don't feel any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed into Palm Beach?
Yes, I believe we're at the tipping point in this moment...
What ist thou looking at?
Stop skulking in the corner.
Thy had thy hand on Rosalind's bosom!
Dost thou deny it?
Oh, sweet Hortense had her suitor's body exhumed
the day after he was trampled.
It's folly, though.
[whispers] The family will never accept him.
You just don't like him because he's black.
Sister, may I please sing my song now?
Ooh, yes, of course, darling, of course.
Hortense has written a song to celebrate our engagement.
Isn't that marvelous?
No, wait, I wanted the lute.
It is the lute.
[Penny] Hmm.
All right, this is a Hortense original.
[strumming discordantly]
[vocalizing]
[singing] ♪ Wedding! ♪
[continues vocalizing]
♪ Death! ♪
[laughs and claps]
[voice trembles] She had the finest tutors, but you can't teach talent.
Bon appetit!
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