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(birds chirping)
- Neil Barlow's Bodgy Creek Documentary, take one.
My Granddad reckons that if there was a Nobel Prize
for being a dickhead,
Troy Carrington would win it every year.
Troy Carrington's AFL footy career ended
when his leg got mangled
as he ran through the banner on Grand Final day.
It got caught in the crepe paper and looked gross.
Around here we call him Town Killer
because of the greenie protests he led
that shut down the Bodgy Creek Timber Mill.
Troy has absolutely no friends.
This is his story.
- Oh, have I come in too early, Neil?
- Dude, wha...
Troy, I told you.
I'm gonna use this at the beginning of the documentary.
- Sorry, mate. - You're too early, Jesus.
Troy Carrington, no mates, mangled leg, dickhead.
- Bit full on. - Troy!
("Come Back Again" by Daddy Cool)
♪ I'm mopin' around streets late at night ♪
♪ I'm worried because you ain't treatin' me right ♪
(alpacas humming)
♪ Come back again, I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪
♪ I spoke to your mum and I spoke to your dad ♪
♪ It sounds crazy, but it made me feel sad ♪
♪ Come back again, I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪
♪ Feeling so sad, so lonely too ♪
♪ You don't know how it is to feel sad, lonely, and blue ♪
♪ Come back again, I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪
♪ Spoke to your dad and I spoke to your mum ♪
♪ They said, go away, boy, and leave us alone ♪
♪ Come back again, I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪
- [Warwick] Rrright.
It's Warwick Randall here on Bodgy Creek Community Radio.
The community markets are on today
at the Recreation Reserve.
However, the Men's Shed won't be doing
their usual Wood Turning Exhibition as Len Hutton's
second hip replacement has been moved forward.
Hopefully they'll open him up
on the correct side this time around.
- Town killer!
♪ I really don't know what to do ♪
♪ Everything you say just make me feel blue ♪
♪ Come back again, I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪
♪ I went to the dance but I went all alone ♪
♪ I watched you dancin' and then I followed you home ♪
♪ Come back again, I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪
- Excuse me, do you have a stall holder's license?
- Ah, no, not yet.
Gretchen over there said I'd be able to sort it out
on the day.
- Oh, well she's wrong.
You have to apply at least 14 days in advance
for a stall holder's license.
- Well, I'm here now.
Can't I just-- - We're full!
(birds squawking)
(bottles clanking)
- It's Neil, isn't it?
I'm Troy.
- I know who you are.
Why are you at the markets?
I thought you were a hermit.
- Well, I'm mostly self-sufficient out at my place.
I don't have to come into town much.
- Like a hermit?
- Do you mind not filming me?
- Classic hermit.
I saw you at my dad's funeral last year.
- That must have been tough, mate.
I lost my mom when I was your age, and--
- So hermits can go to funerals and community markets.
Anything else?
- I'm not a hermit.
- Why did you want the timber mill shut?
- I didn't.
- Granddad reckons you did.
- I just wanted sustainable logging for old growth forests.
- He said it was a dog act
and that you pissed on the memory of your dad
who used to work there.
He also says you're an ungrateful bastard
'cause you never thanked him
for coaching you to AFL standard.
- He has a lot of opinions, your granddad.
- Did you really break your leg in nine places?
- Give or take. - Can I see your scars?
Roll your jeans up.
- Nah, mate, I'd prefer not.
- Oh, I can make a doco about you.
- Come on, Neil, we gotta go.
- Hang on, Mum.
Troy Carrington just asked me
to make a documentary about him
and we're workin' out fees. - I didn't agree to...
Hi, Angie, Troy.
- Hi, I know, hi.
- I thought you knew my mum and dad.
- We never properly met.
- Then how come you came to my dad's funeral?
- Uh, I was paying my respects.
- A hermit going to a stranger's funeral is just weird.
- Neil!
Sorry, Troy, I...
Thank you for coming.
I didn't get to say it on the day,
but I did appreciate the gesture.
- It's fine.
Sorry, again.
- Private wine tastings?
You're really shit at being a hermit.
- [Angie] Neil!
- Oh.
Semillon Shiraz.
- Gee, that's niche.
- I've got a chardonnay frontignac blend
with a squirt of comquat juice if you prefer your whites.
- Yeah, we, we'd better scoot actually, Troy.
We've got a footy club meeting at the Tin Shed.
- Nana said it was an extraordinary meeting.
What's that?
- Extraordinary meetings are meetings
that get called to discuss the fact that they probably
should have called the meeting a fair bit earlier. (laughs)
- Should be the dictionary definition.
- Come on.
- He's nice for a hermit.
(crowd shouting)
- You can't just force us into a merger, Geoff!
- What's a merger?
- Oh, it's when one shit team joins up
with another shit team to make a slightly less shit team.
- [Neil] Oh, okay.
- Neville, your club has got no money,
no players, and no coach.
Your club president didn't even bother to show up.
- Granddad's in hospital!
- Look, we may have been able to overlook some issues
but we can't overlook this.
This report arrived on my desk fellas, and I had to act.
Your club rooms have been found to be riddled with asbestos.
- What? - That's really bad.
- Does that mean they'll be heritage listed?
- No, it means your club rooms have to come down.
(crowd moaning)
- No! - That's just bullshit!
- I told Bull this at our meeting a couple of weeks ago.
- Did Bull tell you about this?
- Is it friable or non-friable asbestos?
No, it makes a difference if the particles
are airborne or not, because if they're air--
- Regardless, you as a club need to decide:
merge of fold.
(crowd shouting)
- Excuse me!
Can you guys wind this up?
We have the hall booked from 2:00 pm.
- Why didn't you tell us the club rooms
were getting knocked down?
- 'Cause it'll never happen.
I'll chain myself to the rooms if I have to.
- Like the greenies.
- No, not like the bloody greenies.
- Get into bed, love.
The doctor said you should avoid getting stressed.
- What's a prostate, Granddad?
- It's a gland up your pooper.
- Granddad's gonna be fine, Neily.
It's just exploratory keyhole surgery.
- Why are you having exploratory keyhole surgery?
- I lost my keys.
So have you found a coach yet?
- Uh, no, but Pig Dog McBride's outta prison.
- Next option?
- Ron Wills?
- Beryl says his tinnitus is getting worse.
- What's tinnitus?
- That's a hearing disease that men develop
when they marry people like Beryl.
- (laughing) Oh, she's not that bad.
- Sorry, love, what was that?
What was that? - Put that thing out!
- You're the one who told me I couldn't go outside
in this ensemble.
- Why don't you ask Troy Carrington to coach?
- Any ex-players on your list who aren't traitors, Nev?
- Oh, ease up, Bull.
He was best man at my wedding.
- Listen, the coach has gotta love the club.
I captained-coached two flags,
and one of 'em was with concussion and a--
- [All] Floating bone in my knee.
- Ugh.
- Troy will bring in new players.
He'll attract sponsors.
- What is it with you wanting to give
all the local jobs away to outsiders?
I mean, it's bad enough that you,
that you're tryin' to give work to refos ahead of your own.
- Don't start that again.
- What makes you think that Troy is an outsider?
- He only goes to funerals, community markets,
and field day.
- Come here when he was 10, left when he was 23.
Not a local.
- So according to the Bull Barlow Index,
I am also not a local.
- Correct.
Speaking of outsiders, you didn't bring an ashtray,
did you, Doc?
- Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to ask you
to put that out.
- Ooh.
Mm.
- Bull!
- They're gonna have to empty it anyway.
- Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to give you
a full rectal examination.
(Bull groans)
Have you had trouble passing stools recently?
- [Bull] I don't know.
Have you had your fingernails cut recently?
(engines humming)
- Heads!
Interview one for Troy Carrington documentary.
- Mate, I didn't agree to this.
- Where were you born? - (sighs) Gullamunka Inlet.
- Why did you move to Bodgy Creek?
- When my mum died I came to live with my dad.
- Which do you prefer? - Gullamunka Inlet.
- Why don't you live there then?
- My dad left me his house in his will.
- Can you kick a goal from here?
- Not anymore.
(Neil sighs)
- Krystal from school reckons they knocked down
the club rooms because it gave Granddad bum cancer.
- Interesting theory.
- But Mum says he doesn't have bum cancer.
It's just a dodgy prostate.
- I'd listen to your mum.
- She also said you're a softcock
'cause you won't coach the Roosters.
- Maybe only listen to her sometimes.
(soft music)
- [Troy's Mum] Super Troy leapt off
his giant jet football and got cracking.
He lined up the foot and delivered a perfect drop punt
and knocked the chainsaw clean out of the logger's hands.
"Thanks for saving our habitat," said Sharon,
the President of the Koala Union.
All the trees and creatures cheered
as Super Troy flew off to his secret hideout.
(knocking)
(Snapper screaming) (clattering)
- What's the chemical makeup of alpaca saliva?
- It stings a bit, eh? - Yeah.
- Sorry about that.
- Yeah, Carlos is usually the one you have to watch.
- Might have to get a muzzle for Brigita now too.
- Riesling Port.
Is that actually a thing?
- Yeah, the German priests used to live on it apparently.
The fortified wines keep better in the tropics.
Now everything is grown here on the Machu Pichu Estate.
Unfortunately the generator's running
a little bit low on methane,
so the whites might be a bit on the warm side.
And I wouldn't touch the Nectarine Prosecco until the end.
The pulp sticks to your palette.
Got a thirst up, Angie.
- Troy, will you coach the Roosters?
Yeah, thought so.
See, Neville, it wasn't that hard.
- Have a wine tasting, he says.
Help a mate out with his business, he says.
- Well no, yeah, even if it's just for the season
to get us back on our feet.
- How do you respond to emotional blackmail?
- Give it your best shot.
- Snapper, Goober, sad faces.
- Not bad.
Rubbish.
Actually quite compelling.
But I think you might be overstating
my local popularity, Angie.
- [Goober] Oh, geez.
- Die tree shagger.
Is this written in blood?
- Ah, traytor with a Y.
Uses the wrong your.
Eh, double E, compleet fockwheat.
- I appreciate the offer, Angie,
but as you can tell by my correspondence,
I'm not really a viable coaching option.
Highly unlikely to live out the season.
- Could be food coloring.
- I'm guessing Bull doesn't know you're here.
- Not if this is anything to go by.
- Neilo, go long, go long, go long, go long.
Sorry about that, mate. - That's okay.
- Thought they'd pulped the rest of those.
- This is you.
I cannot believe.
- Sayyid, this is Troy.
- Yes, Rooster boy, I know who this man is.
I read this book in detention center.
- Really? - Yes.
I want to read again.
You were number 29, rookie draft pick 72,
nickname Custard Guts.
- Ah, it never really stuck.
- Not like Town Killer.
- I like this book best.
Players, they talk about drinking and fighting.
You talk about trees and hippie mother.
- Do you only read AFL biographies?
- In Nauru there are no books, no internets,
so I ask the guard, can I have book?
He says, "No books!"
I ask different guard, he says, "No books."
Then one day I go to recreation room.
Is bad name for this room, there is nothing to do.
But different guard come in reading book in front of me.
"Oh, look at me, I have book."
But when he go, he leave book on chair.
I think this is trick, but he not come back.
And from then he leave many books, but always AFL books.
Can I see your scars?
- Won't let ya.
He's weird about 'em.
- Can we kick football?
- Looks like you've done more than read about footy.
- Yes, I play some days for detention center guard team.
They a very bad team, but Sayyid make better.
(upbeat music)
- [Warwick] Rrright.
It's time for this week in Bodgy Creek.
Now Angie Barlow has just rung
and apparently no one's turned up
for the working bee at the refugee center.
If you're looking for it,
it's just at the old fish and chip shop.
And just quietly, I reckon it'd still be in business
if Spiro wasn't so tight with his minimum chips.
- Bugger, I forgot the vol Au vents.
- I think we'll be fine, Fran.
- They'll come, love.
(banging)
Oh! (sighs)
- Hey Porterhouse.
- [Men] Well done.
- It's Lychees.
- So that's wrong then?
- I know you blokes have probably just forgotten,
but the working bee at the refugee center
started about an hour ago
and at this stage, Fran has significantly over catered.
- I didn't forget.
- That's because I specifically didn't invite you,
Carpet Burn, because I knew you'd be too busy
playing with yourself. - Ouch.
- I'm sorry, Angie, I got carried away doing this.
I lost track of time.
- And I,
am not good at making up excuses on the spot.
Let's go, Snaps.
- Yous are actually goin' to the refo Reno?
- Shut up, Carpet.
- Why have the refos come to this shit hole for anyway, huh?
- Because this shithole was chosen as a regional base
to resettle highly skilled refugees.
Any luck with Pig Dog?
- Nah, he's keen but he's gotta see
his parole officer every Saturday
so he can't coach away games.
- Any chance Troy might change his mind?
- Troy?
You're not seriously gonna ask the Town Killer are ya?
(laughing)
Wha...
Oh!
- Oops.
- (gasps) Umm ahh!
- Snapper, Goober.
- You owe me two bucks.
(mellow music)
- [Neil] Interview two with Troy Carrington.
- What are you doing here? - I just told you.
- How'd you know where I lived?
- Everyone knows where you live.
- Mate, you can't just drop in like this.
- Question one, if your mum was an environmentalist,
how come she married a timber worker?
- They never married.
It was a summer fling.
- So you're a bastard then.
- Does your mum know you're here?
- Oh bum, I forgot!
She's gonna be talking on the radio.
- What about?
- The refos, ugees.
- [Warwick] Our guest here today is Angie Barlow.
Welcome, Angie.
Now, uh, what was your university field of study?
- Arts, law.
But I didn't finish.
I got a graduate diploma in having
an unplanned kid instead. (laughing)
- That's me.
- [Warwick] Now there are critics out there
who think the refugee center shouldn't be there at all.
What do say to them?
- Warwick, we're just,
we're just trying to help people in need.
When I lost my husband, Brett,
I had people rallying to me.
I had complete strangers dropping meals off
on my doorstep because that's what communities do.
They help one another.
And we need to see the world as a community.
I mean, there's no point just sitting around
feeling sorry for yourself,
not when there's people out there that might need you.
- She's got a fair head on her shoulders, your mum.
- [Warwick] Speaking of sorry causes,
any news on a new Roosters coach?
There's a rumor going around
that Troy Carrington might be in the mix.
- That's you.
- Yeah, well, we did talk to him, but,
I don't know, it's pretty hard to hear
when you got your head shoved halfway up your a--
- [Warwick] Rrright, well, we might go to another song.
Here's Big Jim Carswell's Pig Skin Rodeo.
(lively music)
- Vanilla slice.
Also, a snot block, yes?
- Yep.
- Lamington, yes? - Yep.
- New Zealand cake but Australia steal
and say Australia cake.
- Nah, they're Australian.
- Like Russell Crowe.
- You know your cakes.
Ah, Troy, I'm making Sayyid's English gooder.
Check this out.
What's that one?
- Neenish tart.
- And that? - Bee sting.
- This should be the Australian citizenship test.
(engine humming)
- Crap company you're keeping, Neil.
- Who's this bloke?
- Carpet Burn.
Good footballer, massive tool.
- Hey, I wouldn't stand that close to the refo.
Nah, he's probably got a bomb strapped to his body.
- Keep your ignorant, racist comments
to yourself, mate.
- Oh, I don't take advice from town killers
who hang around with Isis.
Oh! (laughing)
Come on, mate, come on!
- Fair tank on him.
- Play him in the midfield, you reckon?
- I would, if I was coach.
(easygoing music)
(fire crackling)
- Yeah, okay, okay, okay, let's just settle.
Look, look, I'm sorry Bull,
but if you had given us the heads up
on the club rooms, we wouldn't be in this position.
- Oh, bullshit.
They can knock down our rooms,
they can't stop us playing.
(crowd murmuring)
My son was the last decent coach this team had.
He's gone now, but I'll tell you this for nothing.
This club will not be merged or disbanded
while I still breathe.
- Then what's your plan, Bull?
- I told you.
See, the community will get behind
our various fundraising events.
- Yes, some of the world's most fragile economies
have been turned around by a meat tray raffle.
- Do you mind if I put in my two bobs worth?
- Town Killer! (coughing)
- Neville, tell your shithouse best mate
it's financial members only.
- He paid up this morning, Bull.
- I don't care, get him out of here.
- Well, look, you made the rules, okay.
He's paid up.
He has every right to stay.
- Goober, Snapper, do you mind handing these out?
Now I focused on the club's micro problems.
Your micro problems are no money, no club rooms,
not enough players, threat of expulsion.
Macro problem bein' you're rooted.
- Did you put him up to this?
- No.
- Now, I focused on one specific micro problem,
the club rooms.
And according to the Asbestos Act of 2012,
all buildings built prior to 1996 are eligible
for rebuilding grants, and I've checked and you are.
And Angie, I hope you don't mind
but I've done a little bit of homework
and I've found that you can get triple
maybe even quadruple your funding
by accessing grants for employing refugees for the rebuild.
(crowd murmuring)
- What good are club rooms if we don't have a team?
- Have a think about it, mate.
If those blokes can swing a hammer,
I reckon they can kick a footy, yeah?
And, we'll turn the club rooms into a community hub
that everyone can use.
- This is really good.
- You've got a bloody hide coming in here, Troy.
He shuts down our mill,
and now he wants to give jobs away
to refos who haven't been here two minutes!
- And you'll coach?
- Oh, he bloody well won't.
- If the offer still stands, Angie.
- Let's vote on it.
- That's a committee decision.
- Well no, hang on.
Let's just canvas and see the level of interest, okay?
All those in favor of Troy's rescue plan?
The yes has it.
- Have you, you done lost your bloody minds?
This bloke hasn't darkened the doorstep
of our club since he left the place.
- He's offering us a viable means of survival, Bull.
- Oh, is he?
All right then, it's him or me.
Take your pick.
- The club and the town that you used to know
don't exist anymore.
They're long gone.
This, this is brilliant for everyone.
- Him or me.
Take a vote.
- Oh, come on Bull, we can't vote on--
- [Bull] Vote, vote.
- Jesus, all right, okay.
All those in favor of Bull.
- [Crowd Members] Bull.
- And Troy?
- [Crowd Members] Troy!
- Fine.
- Come on, mate. - No, Grandpa.
- [Neville] Bull.
(crowd murmuring)
- Are you guys nearly done?
We've got this place booked from six,
and it takes us a while to set up our siege engine.
(upbeat guitar music)
- Interview four for Troy Carrington documentary.
How do you respond to claims from Krystal
from Bodgy Creek Primary School that you're a flog?
- I don't really know what a flog is,
but it doesn't sound good.
- I think it's worse than a wanker
but not as bad as a dickhead.
- Good to know.
- Are you only coaching 'cause Mum publicly humiliated you
to the whole world?
- I think you're overstating the reach
of the Bodgy Creek Community Radio Station,
but yeah, she was right about the proximity
of my head in relation to my ass.
The refugees need our help and we need theirs.
It's a win-win.
(singing in foreign language)
Oh, gidday, mate.
I'm Troy Carrington, this is Neil.
We're from the local footy club.
We're just wondering if you'd be interested
in coming to training.
Sorry, mate, how's your English?
- English okay.
Australian not so good.
This is a football, yes? - Yeah.
- I know this game.
- Is that a yes or a no?
- I am very unfamiliar with this game.
- Well, with a handball you just hold it
in the palm of your hand
and then you just punch it below the point.
- Thank you!
- Good hands.
- I like Troyism chapter best.
The pathway to enlightenment is down the guts!
Oh, and my favorite, keep doing it until
you are not shit. - You are not shit.
(laughing)
- Signed copy of Crepe Career
go straight into Sayid's office.
- So you'll play?
- Yes, I will play.
Your team needs Sayyid or they will be bad team.
- Is that your family?
- No, this was already on wall when I come here.
Of course this is my family!
What do you think, Sayyid creepy man
put photo of strangers on walls?
- How long since you've seen them?
- For now, six years.
Took three years before Australian government
say yes, you are real refugee from Syrian Civil War.
They are stupid people.
But then, because No Advantage Policy,
I must wait the same time to bring my family.
Three more years.
They come here soon.
This is wife, Fazela, and daughter, Sima.
She was only four when I see her last.
- She's hot.
- When they come here soon, if Rooster boy
touches my daughter, I maybe kick him in tiny balls.
- Ease up, Sayyid, I'm only 10.
- This is Mother.
- And your father?
- He was killed in civil war.
- Sorry, mate.
- [Neil] Who's the little guy?
- This is brother, Ammad.
When civil war begin we live in Alleppo
but rebels move into our suburb.
We are not rebels but Assad government troops
try to arrest us, so we must escape.
I take Fazela and Sima to refugee camp in Turkey.
Mother would not leave.
Then Ammad and Sayyid try to come to Australia
where uncle he live.
Then we hope to bring all family here, safe.
After very long time we get to Christmas Island
together on boat, then to Nauru, hot shit place.
And then one day Australian government man come and say,
you are economic refugee, not real refugee.
You go home.
Our home is gone, bombed.
So I say no, but Ammad, he feel bad
about leaving mother alone so he go home,
like a baby mummy boy.
I joke.
I love my brother.
- Well, I was thinking I could open
a traditional Bharatanyatyam dance school,
if there isn't already one in Bodgy Creek.
- Right.
- I'm joking, Ms. Angie!
(laughing)
- It looks like we've got a new project manager.
- Really?
That's handy.
- Um, and a Bharatanyatyam dancer.
- Could be handy.
- Suresh, Navina, this is Troy Carrington,
the new coach of our footy club.
And this is my son, Neil.
- So you're a civil engineer?
- Kandi University with honors.
My Sinhalese husband was a sought-after project manager
until he made the questionable career choice
of marrying a Tamil.
- Hey, best decision I ever made.
- Well, since you're here,
might as well play for the footy team.
- Footy?
- It's a sport.
- Ooh, sport is not really my strength.
- He's being modest.
Suresh was a Roman Greco Wrestling champion
at our university.
- Oh well, there's not many Roman Grecos around here,
but we could use a tackling coach.
I'll see you at training tomorrow night.
- Tackling's fun.
- [Troy] Yep, that's it.
Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Not great.
School Shoes has already done a hammy.
- [Troy] Nice work, Didier.
- Granddad was right.
You can bugger up a team that hasn't won in three years.
(whistle blowing)
Some of 'em are making Snapper look good.
(screaming)
(whistle blowing)
- Nah, mate, you can't do that either.
- Snaps!
- Woo!
Carpet, oh, burns him!
Burns him!
Ooh ho ho ho!
He's off into the...
Oh!
Ease up, Sultana.
- My name is Sayyid, not small dried fruit.
- All right, everyone in!
Come on.
Now boys, the match practice has given me
a fair idea of where you're at individually and as a group.
Harpo, mate, you're the size of a small town.
Don't be afraid to use your bulk
in the ruck contest, all right?
Those sketches aren't bad.
You got a big of the Flemish master's influence
in your portraiture.
- Yeah, cheers.
It's part of a triptych.
Wanna to see the others?
- Uh, maybe a bit later, eh?
Tou, when you go over the boundary, you're out of play.
If you go over the fence, you're a spectator, all right?
So it's a general rule, try and keep inside both of those.
- Yes, Mr. Troy.
- Porterhouse.
- [Team] Well done.
- You gotta a pair of boots, mate?
'Cause you're havin' trouble keepin' your feet in those.
- Sorry, I got a shift at the pub after training.
- It's been lovely having you here, Stan.
We might get you back to the nursing home now, yeah?
- Oh, I'll take him.
(phone ringing)
- Eh, it's from my mother in Syria.
- Yeah, yeah, not a problem, mate.
- Where's Syria?
- Ah, do you know where Turkey is?
- Nah.
- Do you know where Iraq is?
- Nah.
- It's between them.
- Righto, let's finish off
with the mime handball drill we did earlier.
Now remember to visualize and commit
to the dramatic conceit.
Goober, take 'em out.
All right boys, go.
- Come on, boys, let's go! - Okay, this is happenin'.
- Port, Port, Port!
(men shouting simultaneously)
- Good hands, Snapper!
- Nice work, nice work. - Yeah, that's it, that's it.
- I think I'm better at mime footy.
- No argument from me.
- This is bullshit.
Troy's a nut job.
- I'll get it!
- Decent roost there, Carpets.
- [Warwick] It's time for this week in Bodgy Creek.
Right wing conservative bush poet, Bruce Nation,
will be at the Bodgy Creek Bowls Club on Saturday night
where he'll be launching his new book,
Teeny Weenie Poofter Greenie, so be sure--
- Where the bloody hell are you goin'?
- Bataratamy dancing with Navina.
- Sorry I asked.
- What do you think?
It's just a bit of harmless fun.
- Oh, is it?
Look at ya.
That lot are trying to change the way we live.
(keys jangling)
- Sorry we're early.
This one couldn't wait.
- What'd you think?
- I liked the one where Troy sticks footies
on the harpoons to stop the Japanese
from researching any more whales to death.
- Yeah, me too.
- Enough small talk.
Let's get this joint interview happening.
I need you guys in a two shot.
Interview number seven with new Rooster's president
and coach, Angie Barlow and Troy Carrington.
Angie Barlow, how do you respond to comments
from former president Grandad
that you wouldn't know how to run a footy club
if it bit you on the ass?
- That doesn't even make sense.
- And Troy, how do you respond to Grandad's claims
that after your footy career you did stuff all
until you started buggering up this town for a living?
- Stuff all's a bit harsh.
But yeah, things were a bit slow.
After I got my insurance payout,
I set up a Eco-consultancy business for footy clubs,
but Carbon Footy Print never really panned out.
- You did not call it that.
- I did.
(laughing)
- And then I got a job
workin' at a mate's biodynamic winery.
Biodynamics is all about the interrelationship
between soil, livestock--
- Uh, can I play with the alpacas?
- Yeah, sure.
- They get agro.
- I know, that's why I wanna play with 'em.
- Keep away from the white one.
Brigita's had a bad week.
(alpacas humming
- Uh, I should show you this.
There.
(Troy laughs)
- Super Troy lives on. - Mm-hm.
- [Troy] Albeit with a spectacular mullet.
- (laughs) He drew it from your old footy cards.
I kinda like you with a mullet. (laughing)
- Yeah, my first thought was,
and she's been gone for 36 years,
but I wanted to show Mum.
- She sounds so lovely.
Um, thank you.
Thank you for doing this doco thing with him.
- Oh, it's no drama.
- No, it's kind.
He got the camera and the Rooster's onsie
off Brett the Christmas before he died.
He doesn't talk about him much
but he's obsessed with that camera
and he won't wear anything else.
His filming gives him a kind of focus.
(alpacas humming)
- Mate, do you wanna put that back in the shed for me?
(Neil groans)
- And your email address as well, Glenda,
so we can send any details of protests.
- Is there a limit on how many times I can sign this?
(laughing)
- Cheeky.
- I mean, honestly.
I had a refugee apply for a market stall last week.
Could barely read a word of it.
I mean, if you wanna live in this country,
learn the language.
Is that too much to arks?
- [Bull] In total agreement, Glenda.
- Do you have to do that right here?
- Free county.
They even let back-stabbing daughters-in-law
run footy clubs around here.
- Well, would you do your back-stabbing
daughter-in-law a favor and take your grandson
to swimming lessons please?
- Can't he swim yet?
He's been going there half his bloody life.
Yeah, yeah, no worries.
- Thank you.
- You beauty!
Hello there, welcome to Bodgy Creek.
(upbeat music)
- [Troy] So, minaret on top of the scoreboard.
What about the prayer room?
- I think the prayer room should go on this side.
- Why's that?
- Because it will be closer to the scoreboard
where the minaret for call to prayer will be.
- Makes sense.
What about the bar?
- You spend long time in bouncy house.
Sayyid enter now.
(kids screaming)
- Ah, everyone, can I get your attention thanks?
Now we've organized a bit of a Rooster Kringle.
This is a club tradition that dates back to, when, Angie?
- Oh, late last week.
- And still going strong.
Each of the current players
have to pick a name outta the hat
and organize a welcome gift for the new fellas.
Let's start with Goober.
(applauding)
- Uh, this is for Tou Pou. - Nice one, Goobs.
Tou, if that thing was any more Australian
it wouldn't know the words to the second verse
of the National Anthem.
- No, no, no, no, mate.
It's a totem tennis.
Like that.
- I understand.
- Whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'll show you later.
- Ah, Porterhouse.
- [Team] Well done.
- You had Didier.
(goat bleating)
- [Man] Aww.
- I read on the internet you guys
like goats or somethin'.
- Uh, thank you.
- Troy, I wasn't here when you read out the names,
so I just made everyone some Bodgy Creek Stump Snow Dones.
- Thank you.
- It's okay.
Here you go. - Thank you.
- Here you go, Didier.
- What is fluid compound?
Glycol?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
- I was a chemist in Burindi.
- Ah, did you come from Burindi to get a better job?
- No, because the police shot at my brother and I.
They thought we were rebels.
- So not for work then?
- No.
- Harpo, you had Suresh.
- It's an esky fountain.
It's art.
(fountain humming)
- Ooh. - Ahh!
(applauding)
- My turn.
Ahh.
Okay, I had Sayyid.
Here you go, pal.
(laughing) Anyone want a beer while I'm up?
Eh?
- Thank you.
(upbeat music)
- [Warwick] Good luck to the Roosters
who are taking on the Hudson's Flat Cougars today
in the first match of the season.
Haven't had this much trouble getting my head around names
since Marjorie came home with an IKEA catalog.
I reckon they'd be just about getting ready as we speak
in the Rooster's new look club rooms slash tent.
And well done to Gretchen for providing
that temporary arrangement.
- Next!
- [Neville] Harps.
Sorry, Snapper.
- Looking good, Stan.
- (laughing) This is a first.
We've run out of jumpers.
- Granddad's not happy you're movin' in next door.
- He not like refugees?
- Hates 'em.
Even more than vegans, but not as much as greenies.
- Tell Mr. Granddad, Sayyid need bigger house
for family he has not seen in six years
so he must keep being not happy.
(muffled shouting)
- [Protestors] Local jobs for locals!
No jobs for refos!
Local jobs for locals!
No jobs for refos!
- You were right, Snapper,
my mum does have impeccable handwriting.
- Come on, boys, back inside.
Come on, come on, come on!
Grab a possie, fellas.
Don't worry about all of that.
- What happen if they get violent?
- You'll be all right, mate.
- I didn't expect this to happen.
- They're just blowin' out hot air, boys, all right?
There's just some people out there
who don't like what we're doin' here.
- What are we doing here?
- We're rebuildin' the footy club.
- (laughing) This isn't a club, it's a joke, mate.
- Then why are you wearing this?
'Cause you wanna play.
And the only way that's gonna happen
is if you embrace these blokes as your teammates.
- Footy shouldn't be this hard.
- Mate, this isn't hard.
What's the hardest thing you've ever had to do?
- Probably year 11.
- What about you, Suresh?
- It is difficult to narrow it down
due to the cataclysmic events of the civil war,
but as a life challenge it is hard to surpass
the constant stream of death threats from both sides
after I became betrothed to Navina.
- Oh, that kinda hard.
No, I had some guinea pigs that died, but nothin' like that.
Sorry, Suresh.
What's the hardest thing you've had to do?
- Stop feelin' sorry for myself.
It's pretty hard to do with your head stuck up your ass.
I thought the world owed me something.
It didn't.
I crawled out from under my log
and I found you blokes, and here we bloody are.
- Yeah! - Yes.
- We're gonna play against two oppositions today.
The first one you're gonna beat when you run out there.
- [Team] Yeah!
- And you can break the second one
after the balls bounce!
- [Team] Yes!
- So Goober, bloody lead 'em out there
and smile at your mum as you run past.
(cheering)
- [Protestors] Local jobs for locals.
No jobs for refos.
(cheering)
- Hey, Mum.
Can I bring the boys over for dinner tonight?
- Fat chance!
- No jobs for refos - On the run, boys!
- [Protestors] Local jobs for locals.
No jobs for refos.
Local jobs for
("I'm Gonna Play On The Wing For Jesus")
(shouting)
♪ I'm gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪
(whistle blowing)
♪ I'm gonna kick the devil's hide ♪
♪ Out on the member's side ♪
♪ Gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪
- Come on, Tou, Tou, Tou, Tou!
Get rid of it!
Tou, Tou, Tou, Tou!
(whistle blowing)
Where are you off to?
♪ Out on the member's side ♪
♪ Play on the wing with fire and brimstone ♪
♪ Play on the ring for Jesus ♪
(whistle blowing)
(thudding)
- (groaning) Let me go!
(whistle blowing)
- Trip!
Hudson Flat, free kick.
- Why is this a free kick?
- Because you can't do whatever that is.
- We didn't travel halfway across the world
to face this persecution!
- Play on!
♪ Gonna kick the devil's hide ♪
♪ Out on the member's side ♪
♪ Gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪
(whistle blowing)
- Holding the ball.
- Sayyid.
Oh, here, Sayyid, Sayyid!
Sayy, Sayy....
(whistle blowing) (cheering)
- Don't even think about it.
♪ Play on the wing for Jesus ♪
- Well done, well done, good work.
Nice effort, boys.
- All right, boys. - Good work.
- As the Yogini Tantra once said,
a big loss is part of the journey.
It's a shit part of the journey but it's a part nonetheless.
Now I want you to get into a tight circle.
We're gonna sing the team song,
keep our team spirit.
- The best way to keep up team spirits
is to not lose by one million points.
I do not know the words to this song.
- Oh, it's all right, mate.
None of us know the words to this song.
We haven't sang it in three years.
- Why don't you just sing a different song when you lose?
- All right.
Uh...
♪ I love to have a beer with Sayyid ♪
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I do not drink.
- All right, different drink then.
♪ I love to have a cordial with Sayyid ♪
- Yes!
♪ I love to have a cordial with Sayyid ♪
- Better.
♪ We drink in moderation ♪
♪ Bullshit ♪
♪ We never, ever, ever get rolling drunk ♪
♪ We drink at Neville's Bottom Pub ♪
♪ Where the food tastes just like shit ♪
- Sorry.
♪ I love to have a cordial with Sayyid ♪
♪ 'Cause Sayyid's me mate ♪
(cheering) (laughing)
- Hey.
Keep doing it until--
- [Team] You are not shit!
- [Sayyid] Yes!
- As far as protests go, it wasn't so bad.
- That was not a protest.
Unless you got someone chained to infrastructure
or a tree, a couple of arrests
and someone wielding a banjo, you're kidding yourself.
- Do you think Bull will change his mind?
- The only way to change their minds
is to prove 'em wrong.
- How was losing by 131 points proving them wrong?
- They showed some good signs.
- No, apart from Sayyid they were shithouse.
- Have you thought about being a motivational speaker?
- I talked myself out of it.
Now Troy, I applaud your imagination, mate,
but if we can win a game with this rabble,
I'll get an ISIS tatt on my calf.
- He'll do it, too.
He got a tramp stamp after wrongly guessing
the color of a clinker.
- What's all this, Snaps?
- Um, I'm trying to make an organic nail polish remover
using lemon juice as the base.
- Any luck?
- Umm, not yet.
- So what's your process?
- Uh, first I find out all the things
that lemon juice can do,
like making lettuce crisp, hair highlights,
removing warts apparently.
- Improve the taste of Mexican beer.
- Yep, and then I combine it
with all the other elements and see
if it can do stuff you wouldn't expect.
- Take 'em home and read 'em, fellas.
The more you know about each other,
the less you don't know.
Now we're going to have the first of our shed talks
on Wednesday night with Harpo
taking us through the highlights of Tou's life.
- So Dids, the bullet came out there?
How'd that feel?
- I nearly die.
- Yeah, shit question.
Ah, I see you like basketball.
- Hey Harpo, did you really see the ghost of a pig?
- Yeah, when I was eight.
That's why I don't eat pork.
- Hey, Burindi was '92 Olympics, yeah?
- That was Barcelona, mate.
- Sayyid, where is Alleppo?
- What's left of it is in the north of Syria.
- Yeah, 'cause nothin's comin' up on TripAdvisor.
- Harpo, thou art also a Shakespeare fan?
- He yay verily goes all right.
- Hey Troy, you didn't even mention
that I shagged the Miss New Zealand contestant in Bali.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Just cornflour and pomegranate, you dickhead.
- You are the angriest hippie I have ever met.
What is the Archibald anyway?
- It's Australia's pre-eminent portrait prize
and Harpo's gonna win it.
- So suck it up and sit still.
- Didier, what is Igishakamba?
- It's a type of casserole I think, isn't it?
- No, no, no, it's a dance in Burundi.
I show you.
- Okay.
(banging)
- Woo! - Yeah, mate.
- [Team Members] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
(School Shoes thudding)
- Oh my God!
(cheering)
- [Neil] This is the best bit.
- Ooh, School Shoes.
- What's this rubbish he's got 'em doing? (laughing)
For a bloke who reckons he loves trees,
he doesn't mind knockin' 'em down
to print any of this drivel, does he?
- Anyway, I've gotta scoot.
So you be good, okay?
See ya.
Bye. - Bye.
Can you read that somewhere else, please?
- It's my kitchen.
- Possession is 9/10 of the law.
You haven't cooked even a slice of toast in here
for the last 25 years, so shuffle along.
Get over yourself and go to bloody football training
with her, will ya?
The girls from book club will be here in 10 minutes.
- A man's not welcome in his own footy club,
in his own home.
- Your violin needs tuning.
- Look at you, would ya?
Leadin' book club one night
and Wog dancing the next.
What's this?
Vagina Monologues, what's that even mean?
- It's a play Angie and I are going to.
- Look at it will ya, there's not a space on it.
Are you preparing for when I'm not around?
- Oh, don't do that.
The Doc gave you the all clear.
Get on with living.
That's what I'm doing.
- Brett's been gone just over a year
and you're living like nothin' happened.
And Angie's worse, carrying on with Troy
like her husband never existed.
- Stop it!
Why do you think that this is so much harder for you
than anybody else?
I ache every time I think of him.
- [Angie] Whoa, look at that action.
Ooh!
Beautiful! (laughing)
Canola bowler champion wants more.
Lovely.
All right, who's up next?
Who's up?
Come on, Neil, your shot.
- So in the end, Tou was in detention for nearly 10 years.
Just before the Ban Vanai Refugee Camp closed
Tou's family hid in the northern plains of Thailand
fearing they were gonna be sent back to Laos.
His father was caught and imprisoned.
His mother died shortly afterwards,
of malnutrition.
- Take your time, mate.
- His aunt and uncle that live in the USA
are his only living relatives.
- It's okay, Harpo.
Thank you.
Good shed talk.
We do thing now.
- Also, Tou's really good at doing the fainting goat thing.
(Tou imitates goat bleating) (thudding)
(Harpo imitates goat bleating) (thudding)
(laughing) (applauding)
- [Woman On Radio] Bodgy Creek Foodworks
is the place to be this week.
Paloumey an incredible $3.50.
White rice--
- Oh yeah, that's pretty cool.
Bye, mate, I'll see you tomorrow.
- [Woman On Radio] Bodgy Creek Foodworks,
where the whole world comes to shop
in the middle of nowhere.
- Can you come to the Show Us Your Dad/Guardian Day?
- Yeah.
- Krystal said you can't bring granddads.
But I asked Ms. Chadwick and she said it's okay.
- Yes, mate, I'll come.
- [Neil] Hey, look, there's Sayyid.
We should give him a lift.
- Hmm.
- [Neil] He lives next door to you now.
- Hm.
- Why do you hate refugees so much?
- I don't hate 'em.
They just don't belong here.
- Who does belong here?
- Well, I don't know.
You, your Nana, your mum, your dad.
We're forgettin' who we are.
Change is, change is no good.
- I like change.
Krystal just got moved to a different work table today
and I feel like a new man.
(laughing)
(gentle, slow-tempo music)
(vocalizing)
- Hello!
This is my family, my wife, Fazela,
and my daughter, Sima.
- Hi! - How are you?
(Sayyid speaking in foreign language)
- Thank you very much.
Ah, please, go inside.
I'll be in in a minute.
Thank you.
- [News Reporter] So tonight (mumbles)
is to Gary Humphreys who will move to the senate in the--
- Budgie pooh freezes in three seconds.
It's like having a pet that craps ice magic.
You've gotta get one.
(laughing)
- You didn't get it?
Nah?
- How'd you go on site?
- Well, the current output is being diminished
to a considerable degree by the shortfall
in requisite skills that would favorably
enhance a positive outcome.
- So, shithouse?
- With the exception of Sayyid
this is not a talent pool within which
one would expect to drown.
- Volume, Nev.
- I've got over a thousand signatures, Rebekah.
This is a project our community does not want.
And the whole thing has gone ahead
without community approval.
Have you seen the plans for the community hub, Rebekah?
They may as well be building a mosque!
- Bull Barlow there.
So it looks like Carrington is up to his old tricks.
Notorious for his role in closing the Bodgy Creek Mill,
Carrington is once again using his fame
to divide the very community that welcomed him back.
- You all right?
- Just realized I wasn't thirsty anymore.
- Yeah.
You knew it wasn't gonna be easy.
- I'm trying to save their footy club, Angie.
Half this town look at me
like I've shat in their litter box.
- Also not easy.
- Gotta start winning games.
- Good chat.
(upbeat music)
- Why do you let me make this shit, Carlos and Brigita?
Tastes like a troll shat in a rainbow.
(sighs)
(cheering)
(singing drowned out by music)
(applauding)
♪ I'd love to have a beer with Tou Pou ♪
♪ I'd love to have a beer with Tou ♪
- Right.
Your opponent gets away from you.
- [Team] What midfielder from yonder stoppage breaks.
- Good stuff.
Harpo, you've cracked the shits with the umpire.
What do you say?
- Goodly umpire, thine eyes deceive thee.
- Thy judgment is clouded by thy kinship to the maggot!
- Excellent.
- Stoop, Roosters stoop and let us bathe our hands
in our enemy's blood up to the elbows!
- Bit full on.
And by this tongue, thou shalt deceive thy foe.
So hasten forth and return not to this flimsy,
canvas pavilion til thou has bested thy enemy!
(cheering)
- [Warwick] The Roosters have fought hard today
and are on the verge of a very unexpected victory.
- You're all right, you're all right.
School Shoes is gone.
- How long to go?
- Oh, two minutes.
- Frog Feet, back on.
(clapping)
(cheering)
- Goodly opponent, this night hence I did bed thy bride.
And she yay verily went off like the clappers.
- Sayyid, Sayyid, Sayyid!
I'm open, I'm open!
(crowd cheering) (whistle blowing)
- [Warwick] The Roosters have won it.
I can't believe it!
The crowd is bowling over.
(energetic music)
(Angie shrieking) (thudding)
♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪
♪ We are the Roosters, and it's flags we seek ♪
♪ In any weather you will see us with a grin, grin ♪
♪ Rifling through the bin, bin ♪
♪ We fight and fight and fight and fight ♪
♪ But rarely ever win ♪
♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪
♪ We're never beat until the final cock has crowed ♪
♪ Cockadoo ♪
♪ Like the Roosters of old, we're fat and we're bald ♪
♪ For we're from Bodgy, maroon, blue, and white ♪
♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪
(cheering)
- All right, boys!
Open bar at the Bottom Pub,
beers, wines, and cordials are on me.
(cheering)
- Hey, hey, hey!
I prepare this for when we win.
Bodgy Creek song in Arabic.
(singing in foreign language)
- Hey, hey!
Oi, oi!
If you don't like singin' it in our language,
then piss off.
- What is this man's problem?
- Well, you not passin' the ball for a start.
- You are black pot calling black kettle black.
Not handball, not chase, not dirty.
(team oohs)
- Yeah, let's go, Sultana.
- Oi, oi! - Ease up!
Ease up, ease up, ease up.
All right, settle down.
Everyone grab your gear, head down to the ball's club,
and hit the showers.
You're goin' with me, come here.
- This man not need shower.
(whacking)
(shouting)
- Fire!
Fire!
I said fire!
- No, no, no, no! - Don't do it, Snapper, no!
- I got Graham!
Ahhh!
(somber music)
- [Warwick] Congrats to the Roosters.
Their first win in three years,
though the resulting fire somewhat dampened
the celebrations.
I understand it's the first time one club
has lost two club rooms in a season
since the Mt. Stuart sinkhole saga back in '67.
- Ahhh!
Oh, I thought they were tiny capsicums.
- I give you an eye bath and you will be fine, Porterhouse.
- It's smaller than I hoped.
What does it say, Sayyid?
- I like cordial.
- [Carpet Burn] Are you serious?
- Well, if you'd apologized like I asked you to
I wouldn't have to suspend you.
- I'm done, I'm done.
And you know what, Troy?
You can shove your refos up your ass.
- Refos up your ass?
That's the worst detention center ever. (laughs)
What are you up to tomorrow?
- Not a lot.
- Well, I reckon it's about time
that you were introduced to some canola bowling.
(mellow music)
Oh, here we go.
Ah!
- [Troy] They're a bit small.
- They're bowling shoes.
They're not supposed to be comfortable.
- I'm losing circulation in my toes.
- Ah, did you hear that, mate?
I reckon you got him rattled.
He's started making excuses already.
- Eh, he's got a right to be afraid.
Canola bowler champion, three years running.
Count 'em and weep, Carrington.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, I'm just hearin' this, Barlow.
How about you walk the walk?
- Go and show him how it's done, champ.
(clattering)
Ooh!
Yes!
Boom!
(Neil imitates chicken clucking)
(laughing)
- Yeah, you got lucky, Barlow.
If it hadn't that rock, it'd would've been a gutter ball.
- (laughing) Yeah, enough trash talking, Tiny Shoes.
How about you have a bowl?
- All right.
- Come on, Carrots, let's see what you got.
- Sou'easter.
(exhaling forcefully)
(ball thuds)
Ooh ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey?
- Ah, whatever. - Look at that.
- I'll get it.
- He, he hasn't wanted to play this since the accident.
He bloody loves you.
- Nah, he's just got a thing for hermits.
- Yeah, I don't mind 'em myself.
- Well, any response to that
might impact on my status as a hermit.
- [Neil] Found it!
- [Bull] Time to switch to the footy.
- Hang on a second.
- Now, mate.
You've watched that clip too much anyway.
- I filmed this yesterday.
- Eh?
- Yeah! (laughing)
- Ow.
Ow!
- [Bull] Where is she?
- Who? - Don't you bullshit me.
- If by she you mean Angie, she's not here.
- You keep away from her.
I seen you playing canola bowl, you thievin' bastard.
That's my son's wife and my son's kid.
No, it's just not right.
You replacin' him like he, like he never existed.
- I'm not tryin' to replace anyone.
- You're a pot stirrer, Carrington, you always have been.
- I can't imagine what if would have been like
to lose Brett, but--
- No, you bloody can't!
So I'll say it once again.
You keep away from her.
And you know what?
Your old man would tell you
to do exactly the same thing.
Oh, what the hell are you doing to this place?
- I'm making a living out of it.
I reckon he would have been all right with that.
- Ooh, yeah.
- And he would've been happy
that I was trying to save the footy club
that you ran into the ground.
- You!
Oh...
- Bull! - Ooh!
(Bull thuds)
- Bull?
Bull!
(somber music)
(siren wailing)
- He's gonna be fine.
- What was it?
- A combination of meds, low blood pressure, stress.
He just needs to look after himself.
- Righto.
- He said, he said to say thanks
for taking care of him, despite what was said.
- Yeah, no drama.
- So, what was said?
- We had some conflicting points of view.
- On?
- On, well, my old man, biodynamic farming, and...
- And?
- He was fairly clear that us spending any time together
wasn't his preferred outcome.
- Ah.
And what's your preferred outcome?
- Not his.
- Ah.
Good.
Well, I better get back to the old bastard. (laughs)
- [Ms. Chadwick] Right, well, let's all thank Mr. Carter.
- [Children] Thank you, Mr. Carter.
- Does anyone think they might want
to work in an abattoir?
So, let's have Mr.--
- Uh, I'll, I'll go next.
Oh, so it's all right.
I've got undies on.
I just, see, a friend hid my clothes
otherwise I would have changed.
Right, so, um, (throat clearing)
I'm Bull, and yous can call me Bull.
- Is that your real name?
- No, no.
- Then what is it?
- Gabriel.
(children laughing)
Anyway, I'm lived here for a long time
so, any questions?
- You're not Neil's dad.
- No, I'm his granddad. - Where's his dad?
- Krystal, let's give some of the other kids a turn.
- Ah, no, no, no, it's all right.
Well, Neil's dad, he, uh,
he couldn't be here because he's had an accident
a year ago, on his motorbike.
And, um,
so I'm here instead.
For Neil.
Um, Ms. Chadwick, it's a bit harder than I thought.
- Mr. Bull.
Losing son and father is very bad thing.
My father was murdered in front of me and brother,
which makes me very sad.
A long time I cannot think.
I'm always angry, even at the small things.
Then I knew I must find safe home
for wife, Fazela, and daughter, Sima, away from civil war.
A long time I must wait in hot shit place.
(children laughing)
Sorry, Ms. Chadwick, I should not say shit in school.
(children laughing)
I'm sorry you lose your son, Gabriel.
- Uh, it's Bull.
- I cannot call you Gabriel?
This is beautiful name.
Your mother give you this name.
Why you want to be called man cow? (laughs)
- Uh....
- Famous root, Enya. - Enya?
- [Troy] Yeah, while her music's playing.
- Oh!
- Don't diss the Celtic priestess.
And yours?
- No, I'm not gonna say what mine--
- Come on. - No!
- I told you mine. - It's embarrassing.
- That's all right. - It's Captain Von Trapp.
- Ooh, that's weird. (laughing)
You'd end up with six extra kids.
- No, you're over thinking this.
This is famous root, not famous marry.
- Ah, I don't believe in coitus out of wedlock, so...
- That's a shame.
(Angie laughs)
What?
What is it? - Nothing.
- No, what is it?
There's something wrong.
Is it, is it Bull?
- And the rest.
I don't wanna give this town
anymore reasons to hate me.
- I just, I just held your hand, you dickhead.
Or does that mean we're betrothed
in your archaic views on courting?
- Indeed it does.
- Living in a small town surrounded
by your dead husband's mates
is a particular brand of lonely.
When they're sober, they don't know what to say
and when they're drunk, well,
they wanna do more than hold your hand.
- Ahh, that must make you miss him all the more.
- Yeah, it does.
So much.
But that doesn't mean I just give up.
Anyone who still hates you is a bloody idiot.
I mean, look what you have done.
It's amazing.
You're amazing.
If I had walked in here tonight
and found that you were curing a bunch of lepers,
I would have just shrugged and gone, yeah, I figured.
- I would never expose you to that kind of risk.
Got the whole colony locked in the shed.
(laughing)
- Oh no.
- What?
- Oh my God.
You've got a black spot.
It's the first symptom.
- Ooh, that's disappointing.
- Yeah.
I could,
I could kiss it off.
- That's an unorthodox course of treatment.
Could be worth a try.
- Hey guys.
- Hey, Snaps.
This is, um, standard leprosy treatment.
- Fair enough.
Sorry, Troy, I just needed to show you this.
I crushed up some quandong berries
and mixed it with your wine, and look,
organic nail polish remover!
One coat and it was gone.
- Does it also make blokes that lob up uninvited
disappear?
- Sorry, I just need to grab some flagons
straight out of your fermentor.
- Go for your life.
(upbeat music)
♪ I remember when I was a lad ♪
♪ Kickin' a footy around my backyard ♪
♪ Me and the cousins, we tried to kick a goal ♪
♪ Oh what a time we had ♪
- [Team] Cold, cold, cold!
♪ I said we played with heart ♪
(thwacking)
♪ We played with our heart and soul ♪
(cheering)
♪ It's the best game in the world for young old ♪
♪ It's my football team, football team ♪
♪ Yeah, my football team ♪
- Go Roosters! (laughing)
- Go on.
As we practiced, you wait for Tou's signal, okay?
You do the thing, Porterhouse will come up the guts,
Goober will drill ya.
All right, let's go.
(imitating goats bleating)
Good stuff, Porterhouse.
♪ Me and my football team, football team ♪
♪ Yeah, my football, football team ♪
♪ Foul puttin' and a-playin' ♪
♪ Tryin' to put him off his game ♪
♪ For my football team, football team ♪
♪ Yeah, my football team ♪
♪ It's the color of your jumper ♪
♪ Not the color of your skin ♪
♪ Yeah, it's the color of your jumper ♪
♪ Not the color of your skin ♪
- Forwards Plato, German Measles, and Tolstoy Rucks.
Porterhouse?
- [Team] Well done.
- Sorry, Troy.
- [Troy] Harpo, Carpet Burn, Sayyid, interchange.
Anpu, Suresh, School Shoes, and Iraqi Kevin,
emergency snapper.
Good luck.
- Uh, yeah, and you guys, whoever's takin' the bus
we're leavin' the pub at 11 o'clock sharp.
So don't be late.
- What are you doing? - What?
- Why isn't Snapper playing?
- It's the semi-final.
We have to beat the best team, he knows that.
- Does he?
I think you might have to explain it to him.
Picking Carpet Burn ahead of Snapper
goes against everything you've been trying to do here.
- Oh, come on, Angie.
We're that close now.
- Close to what?
Look.
Look at all this, this team.
That's your victory.
Snapper.
(crowd cheering) (horn blowing)
- Boys, boys!
You can start paintin' the premiership plank, boys.
The beers are on me!
(cheering)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't go too hard,
'cause you got a premiership to win next week!
(cheering)
- Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Who is the best player today, Sayyid?
Uh, this is a very hard question.
It was me, of course!
(cheering)
- Oi, oi!
Nope, I kicked four goals.
I think we all know Carpets was B-O-G!
Hey!
Come on.
We're in the Grannie, boys.
We're in the Grannie, let's drink to it!
(cheering)
Come on, mate, have a beer.
Come on, we won. - No, thank you.
- Come on, have a beer.
- No, thank you. - Scull, scull, scull, scull--
- No! - Scull, scull.
(can clanks)
- Knock it off, Carpets.
- [Warwick] Come on down to the Bodgy Creek
Bowling Club Open Day this Sunday.
There'll be barefoot bowls for prospective members
and we'll be raffling the biggest meat tray
in the southern hemisphere.
And entertainment will be provided by new local,
Tou Pou, who will play the traditional Hmong flute--
- Oi, Sayyid!
Save some energy for the Final, mate.
- Can you please?
I must go Ms. Angie office.
I must get Visa for brother, Ammad, and mother.
Not safe. - Get in, get in.
(engine revving)
(players chattering indistinctly)
- [Sayyid] Hello, you have called Sayyid.
Please leave a message and I will try to call you back.
- Oh Fran, is Sayyid in?
- Yeah, he is, love, but uh--
- He didn't come to training, of all weeks.
- You haven't heard, love.
- Heard what?
- Sayyid's brother, Ammad.
There was a raid in Alleppo.
He was shot and killed.
- Oh no.
No.
His mum?
- She wasn't hurt.
Angie's been on the blower all night
trying to fast-track a visa.
- Should I go in?
- They've only just gone to sleep, love.
- Thanks.
♪ I am your true shepherd ♪
♪ I will lead you there ♪
♪ Beside still waters ♪
♪ Come and meet me in the middle of the air ♪
♪ I will meet you in the middle of the air ♪
♪ I will lay you down in pastures green and fair ♪
♪ Every soul shall be restored ♪
♪ I will meet them in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Come and meet me in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Through the lonesome valley ♪
♪ My rod and staff you'll bear ♪
♪ Fear not death's dark shadow ♪
♪ I will meet you in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Come and meet me in the middle of the air ♪
- Does your mum know you're here?
- She's at the theater.
What's a monologue?
- It's when an actor in a play
does a speech on their own.
- Oh, then I think I need you to re-explain to me
what a vagina is.
- Ah. - What are you making?
- Eh, I'll show you later, when it's finished.
You can film me if you want.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Interview 28 with Troy Carrington.
Why did you pick Carpet Burn instead of Snapper?
- He's a good player.
- He's also a dickhead.
- He apologized for the way he acted.
- Krystal said she was sorry,
and flushed my sun hat in the toilet the next day.
She's a dickhead.
- I see your point.
- Do you reckon it would have hurt?
- What, mate?
- Sayyid's brother gettin' shot.
- Oh.
Yeah, probably.
At first.
But sometimes it can happen so fast that
you might only feel it for a second.
- And then they die?
- Yeah, mate.
(gentle piano and string music)
- They reckon my dad died instantly.
So he wouldn't have felt anything, right?
- I'd say.
- [Neil] Did your mum die instantly?
- [Troy] She went the best way, in her sleep.
I took in her a peppermint tea and she wouldn't wake up.
- Do you miss her?
- You never stop missing them.
- I don't want my mum to die instantly,
or even in slow motion.
- [Troy] Neither do I.
- [Neil] I don't want you to die second most.
- [Troy] Thanks.
- Used to be Nana and Grandaddy equal second.
Now they're equal third.
(laughing)
Who's your top three?
I don't mind being second if mum's number one.
- [Troy] That sounds fair.
(Angie laughs)
- He was keeping me alive.
Everyday I miss wife, I miss daughter.
I am sad, I am angry.
Everyday Ammad would tell me,
Sayyid be strong, one day we be free, yes?
Then when government man come and say
Sayyid, Ammad, you are not real refugees.
Not real?
How can he say this?
So I tell this stupid man,
Assad government troops kill my father
because they say we are rebels!
If we go home, terrorists will kill us.
Chemical weapons will kill us, bombs will kill us!
But Ammad, he is quiet.
Then he say, Sayyid, I have enough, I go home.
I was so angry, I say nothing.
But they take him at night.
I did not get to say goodbye to my brother. (sobbing)
Ahh!
I make snot bubble like baby.
- Get him a tissue.
- 100% linen?
Sayyid not animal.
Gabriel get Sayyid a tissue!
- Oh.
- Thank you.
I still play Grand Final.
- No, mate.
It's just a game.
- But you will lose if Sayyid not play.
- Probably.
(Sayyid laughs)
- I miss my brother.
- I know you do.
I know you do, mate.
(Sayyid sobbing)
- Oh, hello. (clapping)
It's the dickhead who canceled training
on Grand Final week.
- It's the right thing to do.
- Yeah, whatever you say, coach of the year. (laughs)
- You're not playing.
- What?
Yeah right.
- Thought I'd let you know before we put the teams
in the bakery window.
- Well, you are joking.
- I'm not.
- Explain to me why you would drop
the Best and Fairest winner of the last two years.
- Sometimes the fairest bit gets overlooked.
- Troy.
Fuck!
- Mate, I need to apologize.
- What for?
- You should have played last weekend.
- Nah, that's, that's all right.
- No, it's not.
You're the one who's backed this
since I turned up to the first training session
with mime footballs.
- I'm pretty good at mime footy.
- There's none better.
(clattering)
- I was gonna tell you about this before, with Sayyid.
I didn't wanna-- - Tell me what?
- Oh my God.
Come in, dome in, come in.
Guys.
Look, I knew it worked.
I just, I couldn't work out why
and then I told Didier about the alpacas
spitting in the wine vats, and then, boing!
And it's not even just nail polish remover.
- Yes, I tweak the formula
and also made a wallpaper remover.
- It works as radiator coolant too.
- Insect repellent not work.
- We're gonna call it Cleano Noir.
Yes, no, yes?
- I like it.
- I set up the online shop.
The pre-orders are overwhelming.
- Every cent goes to Sayyid.
- Ah! - And Tou's malaria shots.
(upbeat guitar music)
(crowd cheering)
- [Warwick] It's the Rooster's first Grand Final
since 1994 and the crowds are pouring into the Cougar cage.
It's going off like a forgotten hot dog
in a thermos here today.
And if the Roosters can pull off this upset,
well, I'm not a drinking man,
but I'll be asking Neville
for a lemon lime and double bitters.
- When the guards ask me to play football on Nauru,
I tell them that Ammad should play,
and they say no, he is small like horse jockey.
I don't want to leave him but he say to me,
"No, Sayyid, play the game for me."
Today, I play the game for my brother Ammad.
- [Team] Armad!
- Not Armad!
You speak shit Arabic.
- Ah, give the man some space.
Go and get changed.
Grab a possie.
Snapper.
Where's Didier from?
- Bujumbura, Burindi.
- Harpo, what's Tou's phobia?
- Balloons popping.
(smacking) (laughing)
- Didier, what nickname does Suresh give his genitals?
- The gentlemen below.
- True.
- For a while, I forgot how much
you blokes look out for each other,
and I don't mean out there on the field.
Goober.
This bloke, he drove Tou to Canberra
to help sort out his visa issues.
(applauding)
Snapper paid for Did's chemistry accreditation.
(applauding)
And last night under the pump,
this bloke, Porterhouse, organized meals
for Sayyid's family.
- [Team] Well done!
(applauding)
- But you don't go on about it.
Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this,
for it shall come to pass that every braggart
shall be found an ass.
- All's Well That Ends Well, Act Four.
- Bang on the money, Harps.
I lost sight of that,
and I'm so sorry.
But today we take it to the next level.
Today we get to know the Hudson's Flat blokes inside out.
Now I want you to spend the first quarter
getting to know everything you can about your opponent.
They may wear a different jumper
but doesn't mean we have to hate 'em.
- I know you don't wanna hear this, but, uh,
it is the Cougars and I genuinely do hate them.
(laughing)
- Fair point.
Goober, you've spent all year getting to know people
from all around the world.
These blokes live 23 kilometers away.
They breathe the same air.
They drink the same water.
They've got the same dickhead local member.
Microscopically speaking, we're gonna improve the world
for maybe 100 minutes.
Bonus if we put 'em off their game.
- Righto.
Ruffy, okay, he's on the paleo diet.
Talks about nothing else apparently.
- You get Boof talking about racing pigeons,
you will not shut him up.
- Yeah, he may look neanderthal
but the man keeps an immaculate aviary.
- Actually, he's very sensitive about being adopted,
so tread lightly.
- Yeah. - Good to know.
Hibbert, very keen to give musical theater a go.
- Yeah, light opera in particular.
Yeah, okay.
And Ponko, now either he has worms
or he has the hots for the Hudson flat chemist nurse.
He was in there three times yesterday.
- If it is worms, he should take Praziquental.
- Or Albenzadole.
- Bit of meat on a string takes 'em out.
- That's a bit full on.
All right, boys, up on your feet.
(shouting)
- Today we invert the paradigm.
I want you to go out there,
shake your hands with your opponent,
and metaphorically speaking, never let it go!
(cheering)
Come on!
- Here you go, princess.
- Hang on, we're one short again.
- Don't worry about that.
Keep yourself pumped up.
Today we do it for Ammad and School Shoes.
(cheering)
(upbeat music)
(crowd cheering)
- Come on, Roosters!
- 'Scuse me, boys.
(cheering)
Righto, boys, we got a Grannie to win!
(horn blowing)
(whistle blowing)
- [Warwick] There's the bounce
and we are under way in the big one!
- That's so cool, Weetbix.
I thought you had to be, like, a doctor or a nurse
to join Medicines San Frontiers.
- Nah, I'm just delivering supplies.
I just need a Level Three First Aid Certificate.
- Got your injections yet?
- I hate needles.
(Weetbix shrieks) (thudding)
- Well done, my protoge!
- Sorry, Weetbix.
- Oh, that's full on, Boof.
What was it like when you finally met him?
- It was weird, Goob.
Even though he was me biological dad,
there was just no connection there.
Showed a complete lack of interest
when I showed him me pigeon coops.
Haven't seen him since.
(crowd booing)
- Sorry to hear, mate.
- [Teammate] Porterhouse, go round, mate!
(whistle blowing) (cheering)
- [Crowd] Well done!
- [Warwick] Well done indeed Porterhouse.
Well, that's the end of the first quarter
and good news, the Roosters are up by 13 points.
- I've been on paleo for the last six months.
- Paleo's overrated, Ruffy.
I haven't eaten meat for the past seven years.
Look at the size of me, pal.
- If you like the chemist nurse, Ponko, ask her out.
- What if she has a boyfriend?
- Well, she won't be your boyfriend
if you always buy medicine you don't need.
She probably think you dying.
Or worse, have penis disease.
- Poplarville's got a light opera company.
They did an amazing production of lolanthe last year.
You know what, I'll get the musical director
to give you a call.
- Oh, that'd be awesome, Troy.
- All right, I'll let him know.
(whistle blowing) (cheering)
- Lookin' good, boys!
- Oh, oh, ooohh!
(horn blowing)
- So, as I was saying,
we were effectively trapped between the rebels
and the government forces
while the artillery was pounding our home from both sides.
It is a miracle that we survived.
But of course, thousands weren't so lucky.
Have a great halftime break, guys!
(upbeat music)
- [Warwick] Well butter my crumpets on both sides,
the Roosters are up by 21 points
going into the third quarter,
which has just got under way.
- Tell your ex that you forgive her.
It might give you closure.
- You're bloody right, Ruffy.
- [Player] Get a hold of 'em, get 'em!
(whistle blowing) (cheering)
- I'd never thought of it like that.
- Just have a beer with him.
Not as father and son, but as mates.
- Yeah, thanks, Goober. - No worries, mate.
(cheering) (whistle blowing)
- [Warwick] Well that's 3/4 time
and the Roosters might just be in front,
but the Cougars have all the momentum.
- [Player] Yeah, we're still in this, we're still in this.
- In nice and close, in nice and close.
All right, it worked for us early on
but they're onto us now,
so we need to ease up on the friendly chatter.
- Oh, Troy, I am this close to gettin' Boof
to call his biological dad and give it another crack.
- Oh, Weetbix is gonna write me a reference
to Medicine Sans Frontier, which would be amazing.
(players talking simultaneously)
- Oi!
Oi, oi, oi!
Put a bloody sock in it!
Look at yourselves.
Go on, have a bloody good look at yourselves.
This bloke here has made you lot into a team.
I'm buggered if I know how.
But we are so close to nailing another premiership plank
on that gum tree, I can smell the eucalypt.
Go on, smell it! (inhaling)
Go on, smell it!
Smell it!
Now pull your heads in and listen to your coach.
- Yeah. - Come on, boys.
- You heard the club custodian.
All we gotta do to earn a flag is--
- [Team] Keep doing it until we are not shit!
(energetic rock music)
(whistle blowing)
(cheering) (whistle blowing)
- All clear.
- All right, Porterhouse, you're up.
Get in there, boy, get in there!
(whistle blowing)
(cheering) (whistle blowing)
(laughing)
- [Warwick] Another goal to Sayyid
and the Roosters are now just a kick away
from an historic victory.
I tell ya what, this is the best individual performance
I've seen since one-armed Glenn Farrell
won the Wood chop at the Bodgy Creek Show,
came streaming down the middle like the '93 floods.
Lovely shepherd there from Snapper.
- Come on, mate!
- [Warwick] And, oh, he's fended that fella off
like he was made of balsam wood.
Oh, copy book 1-2 combo with Didier.
He's running into the open goal as the seconds
tick down in the game, and it hit the post.
Bugger.
That's disappointing.
Ah well, with less than a minute to go
I reckon the Roosters have time for one more play,
but that's it.
- It's not in our stars to hold our destiny.
It's in ourselves!
(energetic music)
- Here, mate.
(imitating goats bleating) (thudding)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh!
Mime handball, go!
(crowd groaning)
- Play on!
(thudding) (whistle blowing)
Holding the ball.
(crowd shouting)
- [Warwick] What a terrific tackle from Snapper.
He's got a shot for goal here and...
(horn blowing)
Oh dear, siren's gone.
Well, if Snapper kicks this one, the Roosters win.
- You got this, Snaps.
- Goobs, Goobs, no, I can't do this!
Troy, I can't kick it that far.
- Do you reckon you'd kick a mime footy that far?
- Yeah, easy.
- That wasn't a mime bloke you tackled.
You'll be all right.
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
All right, boys, it's time to go old school refugee.
(teammates shouting)
(Snapper exhales forcefully)
(heart beating)
- Come on, Snaps.
(thwacking)
- Moses!
(gentle singing in foreign language)
(cheering) (whistle blowing)
- [Warwick] The Roosters have premiered!
(energetic music)
(thudding)
- Smell the bloody eucalpyt!
- Is my leprosy playing up?
- Like you wouldn't believe.
- Hey, time and a place, you two.
We've got a song to sing!
(cheering)
♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪
♪ We're never beat until the final cock has crowed ♪
♪ Cockadoo ♪
♪ Like the Roosters of old, we're fat and we're bald ♪
♪ For we're from Bodgy, maroon, blue, and white ♪
♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪
(cheering)
(energetic music) (singing in foreign language)
- So after being an absolutely bullshit team
for my whole life, the Roosters have suddenly
come good and won the premiership.
And that's not all!
Sayyid became the first person to win a permanent visa
and the League Best and Fairest in the same season.
Some TV producer heard about Porterhouse
and his legendary sweet and sour Chicken Kiev
and he ended up on the telly.
Snapper and Didier's Cleano Noir start up
has really started to kick goals.
Once Tou finally stopped using the pole as a spear,
he became the best totem tennis player
to ever come out of Bodgy Creek.
Suresh's new club room design
won him international recognition.
He's currently working on a Taj Mahal-inspired rebuild
of the Bodgy Creek Bowls Club.
Harpo moved on from his broken heart
and went on to win the Archibald Packer's Prize.
Grandad really started to embrace the changes around town.
Sayyid has started to teach him how to swear in Arabic.
So how did my documentary end up?
Boo-yah!
Thanks for asking.
So how did Troy Carrington go from being a Town Killer
with no mates to a Premiership Coach?
Troy, how did you turn that rabble
into a not shithouse team?
- Sorry, mate, do I know you?
- This is gonna go at the end of the documentary.
- And you are?
- Neil!
- Not ringing any bells.
- You're wrecking it.
- Sorry, mate.
- You're the worst, Troy, and you always will be.
- Ah no, Nobby.
Nobhead!
(energetic music) (singing in foreign language)