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THE VAGABOND
Ella, Oscar. You know Schirmer is leaving,
"finally" we can safely say.
Management agrees.
Both of you are qualified to take over as editor-in-chief.
But I can only promote one of you.
Ella, you're a creative powerhouse.
When it comes to pushing your writing, you have the necessary tenacity.
You trained Oscar well.
When I spoke to Oscar,
he said that you hope...
to progress with your family planning.
Yes, but what does that have to do with this?
A family, sure. But it's nothing to do with work.
- Right? - Everything...
has to do with everything.
Ella, life and work stem from multiple causes.
If you want to start a family,
then you need to occasionally get together.
In the evening.
So you're saying,
Oscar will head up editorial,
while I wait for him at home?
Ella, don't take it personally.
It's about in-house processes and decisions.
It's got nothing to do with our personal life.
You can't blame Harald.
No.
Well then...
congratulations!
Ella.
Hey.
Hey What?
You discussed us with him behind my back to push your career?
We were just talking on the fly.
Let's discuss it at home.
Why? You just heard that everything is connected.
I thought we were a team, Oscar.
- Only when it suits you. - What?
I'd be fine with you getting the job.
- I'd be happy for you. - That's not true.
See, you don't know me at all.
How could I? We don't sleep together anymore.
We haven't had sex in months.
No sex, no pregnancy. No pregnancy, no child.
- Bye. - Bye, see you tomorrow... Caspar.
You're pressuring me, I can't think with you.
Don't think, act.
It doesn't work that way for me.
Enough of the child and career shit. You're so...
- Don't you dare say dominant and boring. - No.
I just can't think with you.
Who can you think with?
Say it's not true.
I didn't mean to do it.
Ella, let's not do this.
Crying is like laughing, only the other way around.
I can be happy without you.
Totally!
I don't have anything, go away!
Go, get lost!
Puck, Puck!
Puck, come here.
He's a cute guy. He's a...
what's the breed?
Looks like a very smart dog.
How are you today?
- Great. You? - Good.
Mr. Simon!
Yoohoo!
Oh, am I glad to see you.
You're my savior.
Mr. Simon, and up so early.
My heart, it's...
I'm feeling a bit unwell.
Take me home, please.
- Mrs. Klein, what are you doing here? - I guess I overdid it.
I really wanted fresh flowers.
The spirit is willing, flesh is weak.
Let's How's it work?
I sit, you push. Simple.
Go. How hard can it be?
Turn, turn.
- What? - My dog.
Elfriede!
Come to Mommy!
You're doing an outstanding job, Mr. Simon. Outstanding.
Excellent.
But you're not paying attention.
I only have eyes for you, Mrs. Klein.
My body's an old wrapper.
I'd leave it in a sec if I could.
And slip into that one.
Yeah...
Why don't you come visit anymore? For an eggnog, Mr. Neighbor?
Lately, I don't have much time.
I see.
Sometimes you just have to forget.
- Yes. - Yes, yes.
We had to.
We lost everything.
You have to keep looking to the future.
Mrs. Klein?
Hey, Mrs. Klein?
Doctor!
I need a doctor!
Shit.
Simpson,
please don't jump up on Max again when he comes home.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Go to your spot, go!
Where's your spot? Go.
Daddy's coming!
- Hello. - Hello.
I missed you.
Hello, I'm back!
Daddy!
Pretty. Very pretty piece you're playing.
Hey, my little E.T. Did you miss me?
Hey. I didn't say "alien" this time, right?
How was the concert?
It went great.
- Did you play your own composition? - Of course I played it. Natch.
Simpson, stop!
This is impossible, really!
He attacks me every time! I'm scared.
- I'll take him to obedience school. - You don't get it. I'm scared!
Take him to the garage. Now!
Yes, I'm taking him to the garage now.
Come.
Come, come!
Simpson, now calm down.
Sorry. I overreacted a little.
I understand. I'll take him to Silke. She'll know what to do.
An old dog can't learn new tricks.
Neither can an old man.
Come on.
Oh, shit.
Oli, hey man!
Mickels!
How's it going? All good?
- Yeah, all good. - Oli?
Is that you? Didn't recognize you, with a... dog.
She is so cute!
What's her name?
Elfriede. But she's not mine.
Whose is she?
A friend's.
So you guys are a couple now?
Heya.
Boy, Oli's gotten really fat.
You know what she's like. She has standards.
- And what about your ex? - Fahle.
- And Fahle's ex? - Takkowicz.
- Everything back the way it was. - Yeah, all cool.
- It's cool. - Cool, man.
We're going to "Stue." Wanna come?
No, no. I don't have time.
No time, no time.
Oli, hang on.
You used to throw such great parties.
With gorgeous women.
But if I'd been through that, with the knee...
it really sucks.
I would've killed myself.
Whatever. Take care, man.
- You're Mickels... - Yep.
Awesome. How about a same'? Phase'.!
Sure, come on.
Brilliant! Wasn't that whosit? Oli Simon?
No, that's a dog walker.
Go on, fill it up. Thanks!
What annoys me the most is I have to start from scratch.
Everything out there is unfit for bonding. Junk!
Ella, don't be so pessimistic.
- Pessimistic? - Wake up!
Believe in the stars.
Those are light bulbs.
Ella wants a family.
A nuclear one. Father, mother, two kids.
Her biological clock is ticking.
- Aren't all of ours? - Let them tick.
If you're really in a hurry,
get a child first, then go look for a man.
Turkey baster method.
You can do that, then you get to decide everything.
But it's best when you fuse symbiotically with your partner.
And at the right time, that intimacy.
When you see the world together as one.
Look who's talking.
Are you even still having sex?
Are you or not?
- Yes. - Really?
- Yes? - Yes, really.
- You are? - You are?
- Yesterday. - Really?
Against a warm wall behind the house.
It was really hot.
Then we moved to the washing machine.
- Then doggy style. - Isn't he in Malmö?
Silke, why are you in such a bad mood?
I'm not. I'm realistic.
That's enough realism.
- Let's read the cards, okay? - Oh, no.
Good start. That represents love.
- That represents success. - Yes!
Oh, shit! Not a dog.
- Don't say shit dog, or I'll say shit cat. - Why? What does dog mean?
- Follow the dog. - You see!
Dog.
You just drop by, no warning?
I was in the neighborhood. Don't complicate things.
I'm not. But I could have had another man here.
But you don't... do you?
- I came to get the records. - Why? No.
- You don't have a record player anymore. - But I did! For five years.
We bought it together.
Like we moved in together, so we could have kids together.
But Ella, it didn't work out. Together.
- I'll get the records. - No!
- You never listened to them. - Not true!
- Maybe one... - Leave them!
Calm down! This isn't about the records for you.
Of course it is! I don't want you taking them!
They're just gathering dust. Look!
- You're not taking the records! - So let them gather dust here.
Yes, they'll gather dust. Yes.
Gather dust...
BERLIN ANIMAL SHELTER
- Yes? - Hello.
I want to adopt an abandoned dog.
This is an animal shelter. All the animals are abandoned.
Yes, I know.
But, listen, I want the most abandoned creature that's ever been left here.
A tormented dog, who was left unloved overnight,
and all his doggy dreams suddenly burst.
The dog felt so miserable, he considered jumping off a bridge.
But then he decided that wasn't the answer.
I'm looking for the world's saddest dog.
The hard to place ones. Those are the really sad cases.
Hey, Bozer! I've got another new mistress for you.
- He's the saddest you've got? - Yep, he always runs away.
The other sad ones are too old for you. You'd cry when it died.
So you were abandoned? Me too.
All I need is somebody reliable.
Is that you?
I want to live with someone I can rely on.
Bozer,
is that you?
What's up?
Your dog jumped out back at the light and ran into the woods.
- It should be in restraints! - Shit.
- This has to come off. - The jewelry stays, or I'll get sicker.
Ah, a visitor for you too.
Mr. Simon!
What...
Oh, Elfriede, Elfriede, my darling!
Oh darling, give Mommy a kiss.
She's been de-wormed.
Put her away, down there.
Nurse Aina Miller is very strict.
Mr. Simon, I'm sorry,
you have to keep her another two weeks.
- The doctor says I have to rest. - Two weeks?
- Mrs. Klein, I'm not good with dogs. - Yes you are!
And you'll meet lots of charming women.
Just like I met charming men.
You need to get out.
And if it really doesn't work out,
take her to the Happy Dogs kennel.
Grab my wallet out of my bag,
and take five banknotes.
I've only got one kind.
- Mrs. Klein, there's at least... - 800, I know.
So no complaints.
Hellooo!
Reinhold!
Did you bring my medicine?
Of course.
Why can't Reinhold look after Elfriede?
Because I want it this way!
Reinhold has to look after me.
And Elfriede needs exercise.
You used to be athletic, Mr. Simon.
Open it.
Pop the cork, let's hear a bang!
Lost?
Man, you scared me!
In the forest, we are quiet.
There he is.
Yes, here he is.
This is a tick risk area.
Not a dog walking area.
Where were you?
See that sign?
Yes. That's an owl.
Exactly.
- And an owl means...? - Owl.
Nature reserve.
Keep the dog on a leash.
Now best head out of the forest,
and take your dog to obedience school. Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait!
If the dog is caught poaching game, he'll be shot.
You would bump off an animal?
- Do you realize who I am? - Who are you?
The forest ranger.
The big kahuna ranger!
I'm sorry.
What's this? Got yourself a toy dog?
Should I let Beddy loose?
I don't have it, Krüger.
- Gambling debts get paid, man. - He'll get his money. I need time.
I used to treat you guys to Moét at my parties.
I never sent a bill.
"Used to." You used to be a soccer player, too.
- Give me the money. - Your boss'll get his dough.
What do you think, doll? Should we give Oli a little time?
- Bonjour! - Bonjour, Monsieur Oli. Stressed again?
- What are you doing with Elfriede? - Long story.
Right, have a look around.
You think this is a doggy play date?
Look, there's a ball over there. Go play.
Over there.
- My god, what an ugly brute. - Hello, Mom. Always a pleasure.
I don't get why you want a dog in your situation.
The Chinese say dogs stir up your qi.
That's positive energy.
Exactly what I need in my situation.
Nonsense!
As far as I know, the Chinese eat their dogs.
You don't need a mutt.
You need a new man.
Because you couldn't hang on to the old one.
Couldn't hang on to him? Are you serious?
Yes! I liked Oscar.
A lot. I got on very well with him.
And you'd have had lovely kids.
- But you had to drive him off... - Here you go.
...with your pigheadedness. Or so he hinted.
- You talked to Oscar? - But of course.
We still get on very well.
Just because you threw him out doesn't mean I have to.
Did he also tell you he's now editor, and he cheated on me?
For god's sake, it happens.
You're my only daughter,
and I want to hold a grandson in my arms at least once in my life.
Who knows how much time I have left?
Don't mothers usually say something like
"there are other fish in the sea" or something... supportive?
But not at your age.
But I'm not that old.
Your eggs start to go stale fast after 30. That's a fact.
At least freeze them. You owe me that.
So this is the little bugger!
MY GRANDSON IS A DOG
- Was that really necessary? - Why not? I'm proud.
My grandson has four legs.
How many people can say that?
You know your father's humor.
Although I'd like you to take it a little more seriously.
- Both of you. - Could we all just stop?
And in case either of you is interested,
I'm doing just fine.
So you've met someone?
What? Yes.
Walking the dog.
You can't believe the men you meet when you have a dog.
No!
Well, then...
Where is he anyway?
Not again!
- So who's your new friend? - Bozer!
Why do you keep running away?
- In heat? - No!
I... meant the dog.
Oh, right.
No, he's male.
So he is.
But the two get along well.
Yeah.
Shall we have a drink?
Yes.
Could we get another red wine?
You did good, Bozer.
Horoscope-wise, you're my pick-up strategy.
Tonight'll be a blast.
A little something extra for you. Look!
You stay here now, hear? You stay out here.
- What's this? - What?
There's something here.
Where?
It's a tick!
Listen, you need watch it closely.
If a red circle develops, go to the doctor.
He was right.
Where there's one, there's more. I better keep looking.
Yum, yum.
Really yummy-
Look at that.
Come on.
Oh, no.
No.
I've had enough. I'm taking you to Happy Dogs.
I know, I know. I'm on it.
I'm just missing the Loibl interview. But he hasn't called back.
Nature.
That's our next issue.
- Nature? - Yes.
- But that's not your area. - It is! Nature!
- Gesundheit. - Gesundheit.
Our first big focus is the forest.
And I want you to do it.
I studied politics and communication.
What would I do in the forest?
You'll find out.
You research like nobody else. That's what makes you great.
So take your dog and let the forest guide you.
Take all the time you need out there.
Superb.
Your dog's going too, right?
Oscar's personal life is interfering.
He wants to get back at me. He's sending me to the forest.
How nice that Oscar took my idea on board.
Nature! A wonderful subject.
Everything is connected. Everything is multi-causal.
It's up to you to make something of it.
Ella! Call your dog off!
He's harmless.
Now call your dogs!
Kenzo, come! You're supposed to come!
Come now!
I said come! What's wrong with you!
Now! I said come! What's wrong with you?
Don't yell at your dog!
Why are you yelling? I'm not deaf.
Neither's the dog. On the contrary.
But if he doesn't do what I say...
Don't yell at your dogs, people. They won't come.
You wouldn't either.
- But, Ms. Lehmann, if Gangster... - You named your dog Gangster?
- Yes. He guards my property. - Except he doesn't, right?
No, he sits around and goes nuts over a fly. What's wrong with him?
Collies are herders. Gangster wants to keep the herd together.
- It's his job. - What? He has a job now?
Sure. Each breed is different. You have to pick the right one.
You're not exactly suited to pole vaulting, either, right?
Look, Elfriede.
Even weirder than me, eh?
Gangster, come here!
Stay. Leave the others alone.
Hey, Gangster.
You disgraced me today. Why do you do that?
Good boy.
Feel free to join in.
Now stay here.
What's up?
- I just wanted to leave her here. - Right.
Susi, do you have a flyer?
- Here, it's all in there. - Thanks.
39 euros? For a sleepover and a little food?
For that, he could go to a fancy hotel, the Astoria.
Good food and care aren't cheap. You don't live off frozen pizza.
Honestly, who's so stupid to spend that much on a dog?
I don't mean to be nasty.
I just thought maybe you could do it a little cheaper.
Not for professional and loving care, which you only get here.
The yelling costs extra, eh?
- It's included. - Great vibe here.
So I'll go somewhere else.
Hello, I'm Balthasar. If you find a better place, tell me.
I can't train my dog forever.
Got it, Mr. Ramadan.
- Lukas! - Think about it.
- Lukas. - Okay, bye.
Can you make the car more dog-friendly?
Dog-friendly? Like woof-woof dogs?
So a lot of dogs fit in it.
- So take out the back bench? - Back bench out, exactly!
Dog-friendlier, so Elfriede likes it.
- And quickly. - Quickly.
Do you even have any money? Right now?
- Of course I have money. - Good.
But you stay with me. Understood?
You stay with me. No running away.
No running...
No!
Man.
Hey, you Vagabond. Took a powder again?
Or is your peculiar mistress around somewhere?
Are you somewhere?
No.
- What are you doing? - Me?
- I'm doing research. - On me?
No, not on you. It's not supposed to be boring.
On the forest. Our next cover story.
Although, is it really a forest?
More a green belt.
Good boy.
You'd get lost crossing this green belt.
I would not.
You've put up so many signs, it's impossible to get lost.
He's coming this way.
Okay, good.
At the other end of the forest are a few fallen trees.
- If you make it there... - Then...?
I'll treat you to a sparkling wine.
- You like that, right? - Do I look like I do?
Yes.
But you don't look like you have sparkling wine.
Okay...
see you there.
Which way exactly?
Just read all those signs.
He attacks Max for no reason.
I know he's old, but still.
You attack Max?
I'll pay, of course.
I don't want money, you're my friend.
But if it's like you say, I can only help if Max is involved.
Max has no time. Can't it work without him?
No. The problem is often the person, not the dog.
- So you can't take him now? - There's no point.
Mommy - Yes?
- I need to poop. - The toilets are there. You can go alone.
But I don't want to.
- You need a vacation. - No.
- I need a friend who'll help me. - I'm trying.
But you're uptight, so is your family. It's like with dogs.
With you everything's about dogs. I am relaxed!
Yeah, right.
Max is awful to leave everything to you.
He's a successful pianist, he supports the family.
- But you can do things too. - What...
What's that mean? Of course I can.
But it was a joint decision between Max and me.
- Max and I love each other. - So don't complain.
Mommy...
Let's go then.
You hardly see mongoloids anymore.
The insurance pays.
You know, young man, there's enough nastiness in this world.
So if you're doing well, why not treat people with respect.
We all deserve that. Even you.
Come on.
Some people just can't handle the truth.
You're lucky I'm not a violent person.
Thirsty?
Quitting time, boss?
- One more hour. - It's getting dark.
Exactly.
Klaus!
- Did you see a woman? - No.
But yesterday I saw a 20-point stag. That was good.
I saw him too.
Hey there, where's your boss?
Shit.
- Who are you? - Daniel.
What happened?
I'm the ranger. You fell.
The ranger.
It's you.
I can walk.
Right.
I'll turn on the heat.
I thought you could warm me up.
The heat's on full blast.
Smilla...
Smilla?
Smilla.
Hey, are you checking my phone?
Who's Smilla?
- Who's Smilla? - What? She's from the concert agency.
And you're sleeping with her?
Idiotic. Look. I wanted to do it with you.
- Are you having an affair? - No!
- What is this? - I'd say no too.
And why's everything different since you were in Malmö with Smilla?
- Including with Simpson? - So the dog smells infidelity?
- $0 yes! - What's yes?
- Yes. - No!
You're working yourself up. Are you paranoid?
I don't want to hear it.
- Put something on, you look silly. - What looks silly?
- Does she scratch you? - What?
- These welts... - You know how I got them? Simpson.
Simpson... you're crazy.
You are crazy! Stop this.
Ouch! Stupid de Sade.
Stop worrying. Smilla just...
organizes everything.
She organizes it all, gives us the feeling life can be easy,
and makes us laugh. Basta.
Smilla makes you laugh and I make you cry?
Can't that goddamn mutt keep quiet? I can't stand it.
I have no reason to laugh.
I fight and fight and fight for our son, and you're no help.
You don't accept help.
Eleven therapists in six months, not one good enough for Nico.
Recorder lessons, horse and speech therapy, physio, judo...
What's next, gluten-free baking? You're nuts.
You ask too much of him. And of me.
Somebody called him mongoloid today.
Oh...
shit.
Oh, man, you do a great job.
You're an angel. You're Nico's angel.
But I want my angel to laugh again.
I can't. I can't.
Hey, who said "there is no can't"?
Who said that, huh?
Ah, there's the smile I fell in love with. There it is.
- You're just saying that. - No, I'm...
No, I mean it!
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Then kiss me. - My beauty.
Max, Silke says you have to do the dog therapy with Simpson.
- Otherwise she can't help. - Oh, man.
- What is it? - You have great timing.
All we talk about is that stupid mutt.
- But Simpson means a lot to Nico. - You don't get it.
- What don't I get? - You can't change Nico.
He is the way he is. Dog, schmog.
We played the genetic lottery and had bad luck.
- Bad luck? - Yes.
- You call our son bad luck? - Shit.
You call Nico bad luck!?
That dog bugs me, really! I want that dog gone. Tomorrow.
No, no, no! That would be a disaster for Nico.
I can't take it anymore. It's driving me nuts.
Give me the phone.
- Where is it? Give it here. - No, I won't.
- Where is it? - Forget it.
Thanks.
Who had the bright idea to send you into the forest?
Nobody sent me.
I'm here voluntarily.
Can I pay you back somehow?
Yes.
And I know exactly how.
HOW?
When you write about the forest,
don't write nonsense.
Okay.
But I might need more guidance.
I can do that.
You hardly see the forest with all the highways.
I understand.
In Sweden in the 19th century, they passed a law
that for every tree that was cut down, a new one had to be planted.
We missed that chance here in Germany.
And what one generation misses, several generations have to make up for.
It's not always just about us.
- The female then... - Dr. Seligmann...
How's it looking for you? Berta's ready. She goes into heat tomorrow.
The day's kind of full, but...
I think I can make time.
You won't be disappointed.
He's looking forward to it.
- Dog days, eh? - Yes.
I always say cuddling weather.
The perfect day to make love.
I'm really happy Galileo can pass on his genes.
He's a fine dog. His character is unmatched.
Yeah, but somehow Galileo could be a little bolder with her.
He's prancing around a lot.
Have patience.
She's also... a little arrogant.
We'll manage.
But he doesn't seem to get the difference
between front and back.
Is he waiting for instructions?
He's not waiting. He knows what he's doing.
Galileo is a Casanova.
But she has her butt right at his nose.
- She's totally inciting him. - Yes.
- Has he ever bred successfully? - Of course.
You can see it. All the makings are there. He's under pressure.
Look at those powerful haunches. Not to mention his...
But what help are the makings if he can't consummate the act?
My God, it's complicated!
He's falling asleep. He wants to go home.
No, it's... he feels watched.
Here's a suggestion: I think we should go inside...
Are you serious?
Of course I am. It's the car you wanted.
A chill out zone for dogs in the back. And it's registered.
Trust me, nobody's got one like it.
Not even Snoop Doggy Dog... Snoop Dog.
Right...
Guess where we're going? Zehlendorf, where the rich assholes live.
Don't panic, I've got a bag.
Upsy, Elfriede! Come on!
If you need anything, call me.
Daddy's going to say goodbye now.
Here, you have my little peanuts.
Oh, you probably need a few peanuts too, eh?
- Take care. - Thank you! Ciao.
- Thanks! Take your time. - Thanks.
Elfriede!
That's enough.
Ludwig's the boss today. The customer is king, you know the rules.
Look, nobody home. Come!
- Good day. - Top of the day to you.
I'm Oli Simon. They call me the dog whisperer.
This is my colleague, Elfriede.
Say hello.
Is this a bad time?
No, no problem.
We're young, dynamic, and full of drive.
We walk your dog, take it swimming, feed it well.
- Your dog is in the best of hands with us. - That's very nice.
How do you know I have a dog?
Dogs... send out signals, and I have the antennae.
- So you can influence dogs? - I can also influence dogs.
- Even when they're aggressive? - Even when they're aggressive.
- That's him? - Yes, Simpson.
That's him. That's Simpson, yeah.
Dog whisperer. Simpson.
It'll take some time, of course. And time is... money.
- So you board them too? - Of course we board them too.
It's important at every stage of life...
A change of scene is always good.
Right.
Right, sure!
- Is this your car? - Yes. I'll be right with you.
My sweetheart...
Five hundred? Would that be enough?
Yeah.
That's enough.
Let's swap, here's a flyer.
Call any time.
- I'll just say goodbye. - Of course.
Take your time.
Simpson, a little vacation, okay?
So cute!
Who's this?
Him?
This is Bozer.
- I have a sweetie, too. - Yeah? What's his name?
Puck, like in Midsummer Dream, creating bedlam.
- Puck? - Exactly.
- Sweet. - We could walk them together.
- I'm going to be around a lot. - Yeah?
Yeah. Ciao.
Okay, bye.
"Around a lot."
Where's my Loibl article? It was slated for page 4 and 5.
I'm on a call. Ask Oscar.
How is she nature?
Jealousy doesn't become you.
That's her?
- She's the one you can talk to? - Ella...
Nope, don't Ella me.
Your brain's in your pants, so you banish me to the woods,
so you can write thrilling portraits of a thrilling actress,
who isn't boring or dominant. I hope you're thrilling enough for her.
Don't mix it all up. You're so perceptive otherwise.
Your interview wasn't strong enough.
- You mean not thrilling enough? - It wasn't your fault.
An interview is only as good as the interviewee.
And it was a little thin. And too long.
That's not me talking. Harald said it.
And we definitely want to do the forest,
depending on what you come up with.
- What are you trying to say? - That you need to deliver.
I will. And it won't be bullshit.
Go to it. Quality will win the day. I'm totally professional that way.
One more thing...
Next time you come in,
leave the dog at home.
Caspar has an allergy and a phobia.
He has to work from home now.
Plus he stinks. The dog.
I'm responsible for everyone here.
So how does that work?
Where should I leave Bozer?
Not my problem. You should have thought of that.
- Where are all the dogs? - They all canceled.
- What? - There's competition in town.
- But that's not the only thing. - What do you mean?
I mean... you're always spoiling for a fight.
The people need to feel good too. Not just the dogs.
Maybe so, but where have the dogs gone?
I don't know either.
Out of there!
Listen up!
In two hours, you can all go home, except Simpson.
What're you doing there?
Everybody stop!
No fighting, no farting around, or pissing in the corner.
Everybody together! Pull yourselves together and... sit!
See, you can do it.
Oli, old man.
Hey, my sweet mouse.
Is that your jalopy downstairs? Ridiculous.
Bet it cost a pretty penny, huh?
Don't forget, dogs need exercise, not the TV, you genius!
Didn't we say three days?
The boss wants a little today.
You know, good will.
Stop, sweetheart, I said!
- Keep him back. - Yeah, calm down.
Petty cash, baby.
That'll never buy you out.
You're an asshole. Now get out.
If we didn't have a problem with each other, we'd fuck for sure.
Come, darling, come!
So Simpson, you want to play soccer?
Simpson will be back soon, I promise.
You're dumb, Daddy.
He's just... on a short trip.
He was really happy.
He's in Switzerland, visiting friends.
In Bern, where all Swiss cattle dogs come from.
Every year, they celebrate the big Bernese cattle dog festival.
With relatives, friends, grandma, grandpa. They're all there.
He... flew there, in a plane.
Dogs can't fly.
You are lying.
- I'll make you guys a milkshake. - I don't want one.
Look closely.
- Use your imagination and you'll see it. - What?
A handful of forest floor has more living creatures than there are people on Earth.
Microbes.
- But it's dead. You can see it. - No, the tree cadaver is alive.
Sorry, but cadaver and life is an oxymoron.
- What? - A contradiction.
- I see a dead tree and yucky mushrooms. - The dead tree has many functions.
And the web of mushrooms stretches across the whole forest floor.
It's sort of the Internet of the woods.
And the NSA is here too? Or why are you whispering?
I don't know.
In the winter cold, they come out of more than 2,000 chambers,
to warm up in the sun. Then go down and emit the heat.
Like solar collectors. That's why ants are dark.
Every single ant has its own job.
No chance for a promotion, no career, no ego shit.
Bozer, come here!
Bozer, stay.
Careful, look for cars.
None coming.
It's right up here.
So, boys and girls, soccer time.
This is the ball. Black and yellow, like Borussia Dortmund.
I want to see Champions League level, got it?
Right, over to the middle.
Let's kick off. Here it is.
Here it is. Exactly!
The goal's over there! I'll show you.
Into the goal. That's it, perfect! 1-0.
And go!
Foul! You can't do that!
Corner kick!
Go get it, go get it!
Keep going, keep going!
Simpson, you have to go for it.
You need to pass.
Come on! Yeess!
That's how it's done.
Hey, Oli.
Hey.
So you're a real entrepreneur now.
I told you so.
Everything you do turns into fun.
Sometimes I miss that.
Maybe it's because you only hang out with boring people.
Like Mickels.
- But he's in perfect shape. - What?
Perfect shape.
You too. You know that.
Are they going to play a real match?
Yes.
- Saturday is a league game. - League game?
You're welcome to come, at 2 p.m..
We will.
Swimming.
If it's warm.
Yeah.
When it's warmer.
Yeah.
What are these bells for?
This is a natural burial site.
Natural burial.
A cemetery in the forest.
Everyone dies. But first you have to live.
You're really not my type.
Look how yummy.
Yummy. Go on.
Elfriede, you have to eat.
It's yummy, really yummy.
Simpson, you have food. There's water.
And some entertainment.
I have to take care of Elfriede.
- I need to go in. - Not now.
- It's life and death. - Don't exaggerate. You look healthy.
And Mrs. Klein will be too. But not now.
Her dog won't eat.
Final word. Nobody wakes Mrs. Klein up, besides the dear lord!
Yesterday was a little... too much.
- Too much what? - Stress.
Stress. In there?
She had a visitor. Unauthorized. Alcohol was involved.
We've told her many times, but she won't listen.
What's in there?
Thank you.
- Anybody there? - No.
I can see you.
We're closed today.
I need your advice.
About a cheap place to leave your dog?
Here, once I've had to cut my prices.
No, that's not the problem. Elfriede hasn't eaten in days.
I'm starting to worry that something's wrong.
Steak to start.
And salmon-flavored doggie ice-cream for dessert. Look at that!
Elfriede, so you're not depressed.
Nonsense. She's not depressed.
She's just completely spoiled.
You're the depressed one.
Could I get a steak too?
Now I'll be able to sleep tonight.
It's just so healthy.
Almost time for the second half.
- What do you mean half? - There's always a second half.
You're a soccer player?
Ex soccer player.
- Then there has to be a second half. - Yep. Sometimes even a third.
WHY THE FOREST DOESN'T NEED AN I-PHONE
OR NATURE DOESN'T CALL BACK
Daniel, Daniel, look!
- There are way too many of them. - What?
Why? They're so cute.
- Guess I'm just into baby stuff right now. - Yeah...
- Don't you like children? - Sure.
- Lulu! - Cecile?
What are you doing here? Not your kind of restaurant.
- I have a date. - Really?
Yes, right now and it's going to go well.
- So clear out. - Yeah.
And... don't stare the whole time.
My lips are sealed.
Your table.
I forgot to take off my coat.
- Could you give me a hand? - Yes.
- Take good care of the belt. - Yes.
Right. This is the beverage menu. May I get you something?
- Yes, two vodkas, please. - As an aperitif?
- Yes, if you have it. - Yes, vodka.
- Okay, right? - Of course.
- As an accelerator. - Of course.
Hey...
Cécile, we should do this more often, get out of our daily routine.
Just the two of us. Time for us.
It's like a date.
Otherwise, it all just gets to us.
Hello?
You can say that again.
What is it?
I hope somebody shows up.
So, vodka for the lady, and one for the gentleman.
- Thank you. Na zdarovje! - Hup!
- To you! - Hup.
Finally, we meet.
You said "hup"?
- Hello. - Lovely.
It's moving along.
I finally managed to make time so we could meet.
Really?
You're much prettier than in your photos.
What a charmer, Dr. Professor Seligmann.
Dr. Professor. Just ca“ me Se“.
Seli and Lulu.
I like that.
- May I kiss you? - Don't ask, just do!
We're thinking the same thing.
- Hey... - Could we...
have two more, please.
- I get so loud when I drink. - I like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Unfortunately, no dogs are allowed here,
or I would have brought Galileo to meet you.
- You have a dog? - Yes, Galileo.
- But that isn't in your profile. - I wanted to tell you in person.
- Don't you like dogs? - I have cats.
You didn't mention that.
Because guys always think a woman with cats is eccentric.
Round two.
Here you go.
Thank you.
- Hup! - Na zdarovje.
- Cats are so arrogant. - Wonderful creatures.
- Have you made your choice? - In a minute!
This can't be happening.
For 35,000 years, humans and dogs have lived together.
Dogs try to understand you.
A cat meows and ignores you, it doesn't understand anything.
Cats... don't just follow orders.
They love freedom and independence.
A dog's brain is three times the size.
- Here we go again! - 64 cubic centimeters vs. 25.
Men and size!
- Cheers! - Na zdarovje!
A dog wakes you in a fire.
While a cat creeps out the back door and lets you burn.
That's an evil allegation! Cats are wonderful.
Ask the ancient Egyptians.
And there's no more lovely, sexier sound in the world
than the purr of a happy cat.
But dogs are more intelligent.
And I think that's true of their owners, too.
So, ready to order now?
I've lost my appetite.
And that's no mean feat.
- Are they leaving already? - Off... to bed.
They didn't eat.
- Shall we do the same? - I need to eat first.
Sure.
I shouldn't have drunk so much.
Relax.
Nico won't think you're dumb for being hungover and in a bad mood for a change.
- Oh, shut up! - See?
- What? - Where's your sense of humor?
- Where's my belt? - How should I know?
Nico!
Hey, why aren't you in bed?
I want my Simpson, my Simpson!
Then I'll go to a hotel for a few days,
- and you'll get your Simpson back. - Yeah!
- Can I go now? - Sure, of course.
Max, forget this nonsense. I thought you were joking.
I'll be in a hotel. You can get the dog.
Max, please.
I can't prepare for the concert like this. You think I just do it off the cuff?
That idiocy with Smilla.
When you checked my cell, I was innocent.
But the other day... I almost kissed her.
Something's wrong with me. With Nico, with you, with all of us.
And it's all my fault, because...
I wanted another child, and you didn't.
And don't say that isn't true.
I have to go.
I have to prepare. I'm sorry.
- This bottle's on you, Oli, you're paying. - I know. That's my money, after all.
- Raise. Five hundred. - I fold.
You should too, Oli. You never know when to stop.
You don't know what I've got.
Four hundred.
And my watch.
Man, Oli, you play poker as badly as you did soccer.
Give me back my fucking money, motherfucker!
And my watch! I want my watch!
And you, damn faggot, not a word!
Oli, are you nuts?
Hey...
I thought I'd leave Bozer here during the day. He likes it so much.
And I'd come back after work and we'd go swimming in the lake.
I could get used to that.
Right. Time to work!
Let's Thanks, boss.
Off to the blind, yeah?
- Have fun! - Bye.
- I'll bring you coffee and tea. - Thanks.
Hey...
I could get used to it too.
- But I have to tell you something. - What?
You think I'm dominant?
Maybe a little, but it doesn't bother me.
Boring? ' No!
So, what?
We could sleep together a hundred times, but nothing would happen.
I didn't get that impression when we were in the forest.
I don't mean that.
What do you mean?
I can't give you children.
- But there must be something you can do? - It's genetic.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I'll take you to your car.
I'm not in the mood, Bozer.
Go away.
Let me just be sad.
I don't need that.
Yeah, you can chew it. Just do a good job.
Wait here, Bozer.
There are cats up there, it'd be a disaster.
I'll leave the radio on.
Back soon!
- But who the hell is Kiera Kowalski? - No idea.
Some kind of actress. An ensemble star.
And the ranger? Any update?
Don't know. She hasn't said anything.
But it doesn't matter.
Whether you have a man or not, you always end up alone.
You always end up alone.
Hey, Ella.
- Want a martini? - Sit down.
- Yeah, come sit. - Let's have a drink.
And there's chocolate.
- So, Ella... - We're up to C.
- To C! - Cheers!
So when do we meet your ranger?
- You don't. - Is he that sexy?
Okay, sorry, sorry. What's wrong?
You're crying.
He can screw everybody, and nothing will happen.
Okay.
I mean, something happens. But... he can't father children.
That's our era's sperm.
They keep getting fewer, slower, and more useless.
It's got up sides and down sides.
What kind of up sides?
I think I'm in love with him. I wanted his children.
Yeah, but at least you fell in love.
I just had a total disaster date.
- He kept... - And I butted in too.
It wasn't you. All he talked about was his dog.
- Its name is Galileo! - Galileo?
Hey... Professor Dr. Seligmann.
- This guy? Him? - You know him? Don't tell me you...
He tried to flirt with me
while his Galileo failed to copulate with Berta.
Last week, he pulled ticks off me.
- What? - He collected ticks.
- Seriously? - Nothing else.
Lulu, be happy he didn't get far, that you have cats.
- I want a man too. - It doesn't matter.
You always end up alone.
- You're being dramatic. - She's not.
I'm alone too.
I'd like to be loved too.
Max...
moved into a hotel.
But you were so in love.
Not now.
He's in a hotel, and I'm picking up Simpson tomorrow.
- Where is he? - With a dog whisperer.
Why didn't you bring him to me?
You made it so complicated. He turned up on my doorstep.
- He was open, cheerful, outgoing, and... - Great!
- Here's his flyer. - Can't wait.
Let's see it.
Oli Simon.
He's no dog whisperer, he's an ex soccer player.
- Don't tell me you... - Sorry, but he came to a course.
Ah, and he learned from you?
Yeah, he... call it whatever you like.
Oli Simon, he was that sub at Hertha.
- Damn hustler stole all my customers. - And you and him...
Now it all makes sense. Tomorrow's a doggie soccer game.
What?
- What? - Yeah. Simpson's playing in it.
Lulu, it's not funny! It's my livelihood!
I'm facing bankruptcy.
He can't play anymore, so he has the dogs play.
- And we're going! - We're going.
Okay.
Ladies... this dog needs nobody!
She'll never learn.
Warm up everybody!
What's all this?
Welcome! Doggie soccer.
Ludwig, Urmel, Charlie, Lumpi. They're all my clients.
- I'm almost bankrupt. - So we're in the same boat.
I am not in your boat.
What did you think?
Dogs are all different. Some hunt, others herd.
Just like soccer. You've got forwards, defense, midfield.
Exactly. Silke, what's the problem?
Really. This boy's got a real talent for dogs. Now we have fun.
Everybody's happy-
Come on, Oli, blow the whistle. - I like the idea.
So,
let's start the match.
Hey, look.
Dude, I swear, it'll be great.
New ball, so you don't get it stuck in your teeth. Got it?
One, two...
Look, the little black one is like you. He runs from the ball.
And he's even got your hair.
That's why I'm betting on him. You in? 500 euros.
- You in? - I'm in.
On that big guy-
Go, Simpson! Get the ball!
Yes, yes, yes!
- Boy, he's pretty good at this. - Sorry.
No! You're not playing.
Get the ball, Simpson!
One more and you get a yellow card!
Don't bite it.
Nice! Balthasar, you do it!
Simpson, go! Get it.
Get it, yes!
Goal!
Simpson, yeah!
Well done, Simpson.
Look, sweetheart. You're better, right?
2-1.
That wasn't yellow!
- Why is that yellow? - He bit.
- That wasn't yellow, Oli. - It was yellow, he bit on it again.
- Never a yellow! - Of course it was.
But, but...
- Off! - Off, Simpson!
Got it.
- Mickels, ball. - Relax. I'm playing with the dogs.
I don't want you in on my fun. Give it back.
Loser thing to say. Here.
- Take that back. - What?
I'd take that back.
Dude, you're done. With life, the club, the lady. My turn.
Men and soccer...
What a shame, it was fun.
Oh, boys.
- Leave the coach alone! - Oli, you dipshit!
What's happening? We haven't done anything yet.
- No, no! Not in the face! - Perfect shape, eh?
Get the ball!
- Bozer! - Simpson!
Help me!
Put that dog on the leash!
Are you crazy?
You're real heroes...
I just warmed the bench the whole time.
I only played in two matches.
Then they write about you, you draw attention, and you're out.
I hate self-pity.
I don't spend all day complaining I might lose my business.
Because of you.
I'm really sorry.
That doesn't help.
Come on, Elfriede.
What about the Rottweiler?
- Will he be put down? - No, I'll take him.
You give the dog a chance, but not him?
- You should talk. - Why?
How about your ranger?
Does anyone have a euro?
For the machine.
Max, answer. It's an emergency and you're not answering.
We agreed. Phone switched on, we said.
Where are the kids?
Found one, you can stop looking.
I don't get it. Voice mail, every time.
Not available.
If I were a man dealing with you, I'd go nuts. Really.
Simpson!
Just a hairline fracture, not dangerous.
Come here! Oh, we were lucky.
We were lucky.
That's so typical! Too late.
Come on, Simpson.
Nico will be so happy.
So there you finally are. Where have you been?
Why are you unreachable when I need you?
I called what seemed like 20 times.
Simpson!
Hey, Simpson, feeling better?
Come here. Feeling better?
Simpson, stop!
- Stop! - I didn't do anything to him.
What's wrong with him?
- Maybe something's wrong with you. - What?
Your smell changes when you're sick.
Hello.
Professor Dr. Seligmann.
Hello.
Dogs have instincts that are invaluable.
- I know. What does my husband have? - I was just about to tell you.
- You dog sensed something was wrong. - What is it?
An intestinal tumor.
It's in an early stage.
- We'll just have to do a colectomy. - What?
It's a simple operation.
We remove a part of your ascending intestine.
But we have to operate right away.
No, no, I can't. I'm a pianist, I have a concert in two days.
It's out of the question.
Free will is God's kingdom.
But then right after the concert.
I've been through all this once.
My ex-girlfriend said she didn't care either.
Then she changed her mind.
Now she has a husband, two kids, she's happy.
That's exactly what you want too.
I need you to stop it.
Bozer, go to mom.
Go.
- You taught him that trick. - You think I practiced with him?
He does whatever he wants.
You do the same then.
Why is he so stubborn, Bozer?
Why?
You can't force it.
It is what it is. I'm hungry.
What did you say?
Let's go to sleep.
Okay.
Good morning. I made coffee.
Just stop. It's not always about you.
- Karina! Have a nice evening. - You too. Bye.
Ella?
So when is your article coming to fruition?
If you don't write anything, I can't print anything.
- I know. - But...
Since the issue does have to see the light of day...
okay, I'll just use one of my articles.
What's going on with you?
I'm going to be a father.
Oh, God.
It's like a miracle. I'm so nervous.
You're okay with it, right?
Somehow, it was meant to be.
You just can't force it.
Oscar!
Kiera! I'm coming.
Gotta go. We're going to a concert.
Kiera got the tickets.
- Wow. - Look.
Oscar is a real connard.
- What? - An asshole.
Right.
I'm doing dog therapy.
- What? - Dog therapy.
What's that?
It's therapy for no fear of dogs.
Ah, I'm so happy.
I'm so incredibly happy.
Do you have alcohol and cigarettes?
Yup. A whole store full. Can you be more specific?
- None of it is healthy. - I know.
So?
Bozer!
My dog is gone. Did you see anything?
They steal dogs like crazy around here.
They fight them illegally.
- It's not fun to watch. - What?
No, no. He just runs away.
Mrs. Klein has been gone for three days.
Where is she?
In the basement.
- Basement? - Well...
She was, but tomorrow she'll be in heaven, in the forest.
She organized it herself. I've never seen anything like it.
She gave me this for you.
Oscar, the child's not yours.
Bozer!
Come on, Elfriede.
Fuck happiness.
What are you doing?
Come on, come here.
What are you doing there?
I strayed from the path.
- You did what? - Strayed from the path.
How did you manage that? That takes some doing.
I mean, the path is wide.
The Berlin Wall ran along here.
They'd have shot you.
But now, it's great for a walk.
I'm here every evening. With Condor. Every evening.
Right.
- But nobody's ever fallen in. - Right.
Or did you do it on purpose?
Doesn't matter. Just help me out.
That's easy to say.
Just give me your hand.
- Hand? - Yes.
- I'll try. - Thank you.
- Give me a paw. - Right.
Wow, you weigh something...
What remains of Esther Klein is our memories.
What has departed belongs to this Earth.
What happened?
I went swimming.
Your body is gone.
Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
Rest in peace.
Amen.
Where's Bozer?
He's gone.
Gone where?
He ran away.
Come on, Elfi. We need to get going.
It's all good, all good.
Welcome to a life without cancer.
You're getting a new inspection sticker.
Good to go.
Your family is waiting with the dog.
But he's not allowed in.
I'd like to make an exception, but...
hospital.
There's my Simpson.
He saved my life.
And he's the only one who accepts Nico as he is.
Tomorrow, you take Nico to horse therapy.
What?
Where's your sense of humor?
Your boss wants the apartment. I'll make you a deal.
I owe you guys 280. Now you owe me 320. I want 100 now.
So, 600,000 for the apartment, eh?
- You owe me a dog. - I don't owe you anything.
Loneliness. It's the number one reason people get a dog.
Here.
It's the key to the doggie wagon.
You can certainly use it.
I also paid your back rent.
- You're back, huh? - She called... and apologized.
Not every woman would do that.
I'm actually only here because of you.
Really?
What are you going to do now?
We're going on a walkabout to Marseilles. Her old home town.
- We just came to say goodbye. - Let's hope it's not forever.
He's kind of like a boomerang.
Bozer!
A woman brought him in. She was really upset.
So, take him.
I have a concert this evening.
- Go away! - Galileo!
- That's your dog? That's Galileo? - Oh my.
Lulu!
I thought you'd never find me,
professor.
As far as your problem goes, the doctors are so advanced.
I'm sure something can be done.
- Mom, leave it. - Can you bring me coffee?
- I'll do it. - You stay put.
We want to adopt babies anyway,
from Namibia, Nigeria, Würzburg...
It's not mine.
Not your thing? The article is fabulous.
Ella has a real nose.
Her next article's "Follow the Dog."
Not a single line will be cut.
Not the article, the child, Harald.
The child.
The child is not mine.
Your street mutt got my pedigree pregnant.
We can't sell these mongrels. They're more or less worthless.
Oh, what a shame.
So cute.
And where are the martinis?
Hi everyone!
Just put a muzzle on it.