Kunjungi www.Fortunebet99.com Agen Judi Online Aman dan Terpercaya ﻿1
We met on the computer in 1966.
It was called T.A.C.T.--
Technical Automated Compatibility Testing.
They made us answer all these questions.
"Do you like the beach?"
"Do you speak another language?"
I remember they even asked me
to rank a woman's hairstyle.
I believe I said I preferred a bob.
I had a bob.
[chuckles] Anyway,
this giant IBM machine--
about the size of this room--
matches us together.
It was...
Love at first fan theory.
[chuckles] We both frequented
the same X-Files chat room in the '90's.
I was just so nervous to meet her,
but we emailed for about two years, until...
He started favoriting some of my tweets
about being drunk at brunch.
And I love getting drunk at brunch.
So then I started favoriting some of his tweets.
So then we started re-tweeting each other,
and then we started DM'ing each other, and then...
I was on this Facebook page for incoming students
and I saw a message that Melissa had posted
about starting a knitting club.
[laughs] James!
- Of course you asked. - I just wanted to see
if anyone was interested.
But of course, when I held our first meeting,
- only one person came. - [James laughs]
I just thought she was cute.
I just didn't realize I'd have to pretend
to crochet a hat for two months straight.
[both laugh]
[female interviewer] And how long ago was that?
Eight years.
- Eight years? - Yes.
[interviewer] And how are things going?
Things are going really good.
I'm about to get my PhD in microbiology,
- and Mel is an amazing-- - I freelance mostly.
But lately, I've been driving for Swyft.
[man] Is she really talking to me? Or is she talking to her father?
And as hard as you try, you will never be able to live up to him.
Yes! You totally get it.
[scoffs] Right.
- So you begin to resent her. - Right.
- Which starts this whole pattern of-- - No, make a right.
- You're gonna miss the turn. - Oh, shit.
I mean, the flexible hours are great.
It gives me time to work on my art,
and rehearse with my improv group, The Diva Cups.
One word suggestion, then I need bing-bang boom.
- [Mel vocalizing] - And a body!
[Spanish accent] Today, we'll be having something especial I want to--
Ahh, meatballs sub.
Now, they're really good. Really, really good.
- Thank you, babe. - [both chuckle]
Oh! And we just got
- an apartment together. - Yes. Yes, we did.
Do you think we should get a rug for the living room?
Mmm, I'm not sure.
- You decide. - [scoffs]
Did you get a lamp yet?
Not yet. Having trouble deciding.
- Mmm. - James, did you read this,
about this guy who's apparently meeting
women online and kidnapping them?
Oh, I read somewhere that it was a hoax.
Mitchell's doin' it, you know.
Kidnapping women?
[chuckles] No. Meeting guys online.
Really? So soon?
I know. I still can't believe they broke up.
They seemed so happy.
I actually feel really sad and lonely.
And I actually feel like there's a rock in my shoe.
Trust me, they're gonna be back together in like no time.
She told me she's getting dozens
of messages a day from these guys.
She's going out a lot...
So, what do you want to do today?
I have an idea.
Huh. Oh!
[grunts, laughs]
- Hey... - [James chuckles]
Let's have a party this weekend.
What? No.
- Ah, come on! - No.
We'll have a lot of friends over,
we need to show off our cool new pad...
[scoffs] I thought you said
parties give you anxiety.
What?
No, they don't.
[Mel] Oh, my God, I'm having a panic attack.
- [James] No, you're not. - [Mel] They're too many people here.
Why didn't you remind me that I hate having dinner parties?
[James] Babe, I did, several times.
[Mel] Well, you need to be more convincing.
Also, not a lot of people showed up.
Forty people on Facebook RSVP'd, "Yes"
and there's only like 20 people here.
- [jazz playing over speakers] - Mmm. I thought you said
there were too many people here.
That's not the point.
It's the principle.
That's how it always is.
Yes means maybe,
maybe means no, no means...
Yeah, well, I don't mean to be harsh
you know, when there's EDM involved.
- You're drunk. - No, I'm not.
And did you meet Rachel's new boyfriend?
- [James groans] - The guy she met on Bumble.
[James] Of course she'd bring somebody new.
What if Ben shows up?
[Mel] I think that's what she's hoping for.
- [Mel and James] She sees us. - [Rachel] Yeah... Guys, guys!
- [Mel] Hi! - [James] Hey!
I mean, I love this.
I mean, I love the apartment.
- I love you guys in it. - [man] Yeah...
Thanks, we're really happy here.
Yeah, it's perfect.
So, Rachel, how's the new job?
- Oh, hello, drunky-- - What!
[laughter]
You know, I mean, it's--
Ah, well, I'm about to quit.
- [Mel] What happened this time? - So Gary tells me
to get plastic forks for the break room.
And I asked him if that is an appropriate task
for the head of marketing,
and he looks as me and he says,
[deep voice] "Well, we need to market ourselves
as a company that has forks."
- Can you believe that? - [laughs]
Why are you laughing? You've heard this story a dozen times.
Oh, yeah. No, it's just the way you say that.
It's hilarious. [laughs]
Uh, hey guys, I'm Todd, by the way.
- [Rachel] Oh, yeah, sorry. - [James] Hi, what's goin' on?
- [Rachel] James, this is Todd. - [Todd] Nice to meet you guys.
Thank you so much for having me. This place is awesome.
It's like, it's like really great, I love it.
How much do you guys pay actually, if you don't mind me asking?
Actually, no, I'm sorry. Do not answer that, I'm so--
I do not why... [stammers]
I don't know why I asked that.
That's a bizarre thing to ask.
Very intrusive, I hate when people ask stuff like that.
I'm just-- I'm-- I'm planning on moving, so...
- [Mel] Oh... - I'm lookin' for a place,
and I really like this neighborhood.
It's kind of like the...
exact thing that I'm looking for, so...
Just looking for like a-- If you don't mind,
like a ballpark figure for a frame of reference.
- Todd... - Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry.
No, no, no, no. You're right, you're right.
So I asked the same thing twice.
- Twice in a row. Bizarre. - Yeah...
I'm sorry. It's none of my business.
[laughs] So, uh, sorry about that.
So...
- Ah, so, Todd... - Yo.
Ah, what do you do?
Ah, I'm in finance actually,
but my real passion is food-- Tapas.
- Wow. - I love tapas. I actually have a blog
all about tapas called, "Top Tapas With Todd Tom."
- I don't know if you guys heard of it. - It's very creative.
- It's pretty pop-- Oh, thank you. - [Rachel] Loves the tapas.
Wait. Uh, okay.
Your name is Todd...
- [Rachel] Yeah. - Tom?
- Todd Tom. - Tom.
- Todd Tom. - Todd Tom.
- Yeah, that's a-- - Psych. Rachel.
- Just talk to you for a second? - Uh, babe?
- You just talk. You know... - [James] Okay.
- Don't say anything weird. - [Todd] Anything what?
Weird.
Yeah, what's up?
His name is Dustin.
He's really nice. He's really funny.
He's the founding member of Pizza Hat,
which is like the biggest improv group in L.A.,
so I'm surely surprised that he's here.
- [Rachel] Hmm. - [Mel] Anyway, he's single...
[Rachel scoffs] Oh, no, I could never date
anyone who does improv.
- No offense. - [Mel] Oh.
[Rachel] Anyways, I'm seeing Todd.
- Don't you like Todd? - Yeah. No.
Todd, Todd seems great.
It just-- I didn't think you were that into him.
[Rachel] Really? No, I'm totally into Todd.
He's so...
nice.
[scoffs] I just, I can't date
and other introverted pessimist with intimacy issues.
- [Mel chuckles] - Speaking of which...
um, do you know, is Ben coming?
Yeah, he stopped texting.
But he did Snapchat
a photo of a dead pigeon about an hour ago,
so we know he's alive.
Yeah.
I thought the break up was mutual.
It was,
but now he's...
[sighs] He and I just...
I really want us to be friends.
Oh! And you will be.
But you guys dated for four years,
you can't just erase that.
I think Ben just needs some...
some Ben time.
Yeah.
Nope. Never mind.
There he is.
[Rachel] Oh...
Hey.
- Hi. [chuckles] - [Ben] Hey.
- Hi, I'm, uh... - Mere question.
- Yeah? - Do you have any pot?
Ah, no, sorry, I don't.
Oh, your eyes are really red.
- Oh! Yeah, no, no, no. - Smoke pot--
Sorry. I've-- I was just crying.
Oh. Okay.
Can I grab it? Thank you so much.
[people chattering]
Ooh, Ben!
You look terrible.
Thank you, Lawrence. I feel like shit.
This place is great. How long you had the lease for?
Ah. Mmm. Excuse me. I have it for a year.
I'm gonna finish my PhD in May, so I could potentially get
a teaching job anywhere, so...
[Ben] Will Mel go with you?
Uh-- I don't-- I don't-- I don't know.
We've-- We've have not had that conversation yet.
Well, you know, take it from me, people, like all of 'em,
garbage, so if you found the kind of garbage
you can stand to be around in a hot apartment all day,
you know, don't throw it out, because that's what I did.
- [Ben laughs] - Well, you're single.
Have fun, there's plenty of women out there
- for you to disappoint. - [all chuckle]
- Thank you. - I don't really like the term single.
- Thank you so much. - [Lawrence and James] Oh.
Kinda prefer the term involuntarily alone.
You should, uh-- You should get on Bumble.
- That's how I met my girlfriend. - [James] No-- Um...
- I'm sorry, who are you? - Oh, sorry. Todd.
Nice to meet you, man. I'm Rachel Strauss' boyfriend.
I don't know where she went. She's around here somewhere.
- I'm Ben. - Nice to meet you, Ben.
Well, I should probably get goin'.
- [James] Ben... - I'm sure I'll be seein' you
in my next panic dream, Todd,
enjoying having sex with the only woman
- I have ever loved. - Ahh. Uh--
- Take it easy. Uh, I-- - Ben--
[sets beer down on table]
[door opens]
[Mel] That's not done yet.
You made this?
Mm-hmm.
And I talked to Rachel.
She really wants to be your friend...
I don't want her to want to be my friend.
What, do you want her to break down into tears
every time someone mentions your name?
Yeah, I feel like that's the least she could do.
That, and like some, like, dry heaving or something.
- [chuckles] - Your room's kinda dark.
I know! It needs a lamp.
Guess who found old cocaine in his back pocket
that he completely forgot about?
[Lawrence chuckles]
Uh, maybe another time.
All right.
[Ben] Quick. All right.
Drama-aaa.
[nose snorting cocaine]
[Rachel] Okay, now, you think that is bad?
I went on this Tinder date with this guy
who literally brought his Indian leftovers
to the bar and ate them.
- [Lawrence laughs] - That was horrifying!
And he wouldn't even give me a Samosa.
[Lawrence laughs] A Samosa.
Okay, why are you laughing, stalker?
- Do not call me that. - What are you talking about?
- Who are you stalking? - No. No one.
I'm not stalking anyone.
- [Mel] Lawrence! - Stop! No!
Here. His name is Marco.
- [Mel] Hold on... - And he is my future husband.
Oh, really?
- Like. Like. Like. Like-- - Stop!
Girl, don't do that! Oh, my goodness.
You know, I have actually been getting
a lot of threesome requests.
Actually, there was this one couple who was pretty cute.
They had pictures of them rock climbing and stuff.
- [Lawrence] Would you? - No!
I'm like 65 in threesome years.
I mean, honestly...
I just want what Mel has.
[coughing] What do I have?
[Lawrence] Yeah, what does she have?
[metallic clicking]
[James] There she is, there she is.
- You makin'-- You makin' toast? - [James] Hi. Yes, I am.
- Oh, okay. - [James] Ooh!
Ah, I wasn't gonna do this tonight, but I figured
since I'm-- I'm in a really good mood tonight,
and all you beautiful people are here, so...
Whoo.
- Wow. - [both laugh]
- So, Mel... - Yeah?
- You're my best friend. - Oh.
And I love you.
Will you marry me?
Mel.
Mel...
- What? - Will you marry me?
- Yes. - Ah!
- Yeah! Why not? - [crowd cheering]
[solemn music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
[phone dings]
[Ben] That sushi in your pic looks delicious.
Where is it?
[Allison] It's this place called Fish Giza.
Mmm, it's so good.
You have to go.
[Ben] I know that place. I live right near it.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so jealous.
I would kill to live near there.
Not me, I hope.
[laughs]
So what do you do for work?
- [phone dings] - I'm in hotel management.
So are you up to anything this weekend?
Wanna grab a drink?
Oh, come on!
- [man] Been drivin' long? - Yeah, like six months.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah.
- [phone buttons clicking] - Yeah, it's good.
Makes good money, I hear.
- Yeah, it can. - Yeah?
- It depends. - Yeah.
Um, the most important thing
is just it allows my schedule to be flexible.
- Right. - Yeah.
- What do you do? - I'm a director.
What do you direct? That's cool.
Reality television, mostly.
Oh, would I-- Would I know any of it?
Um, I pretty much do the shows
where fat white men find trash
and sell it to other fat white men
for small amounts of money.
Right up my alley. [laughs]
Do you, um-- Do you like it?
- Is it fun? - Sorry. This is actually really important.
Oh! Totally, no problem.
- Sorry. - No, it's all right.
[woman] Just like, I don't know if my life
is really, really lost.
What do you like to do?
I like to watch Law and Order reruns,
uh, particularly with Mariska Hargitay.
- I think she's incredible. - Okay. Definitely.
Well, have you thought about being a cop?
- [scoffs] No. - [turn signal clicking]
Um, why are we stopping?
You picked Swyft Pools,
so there's another passenger.
Oh, but I didn't know that, so can we just leave him?
- Hey. - Hey.
Hi. So, your destination didn't come through.
Where are you headed?
[Allison laughs] I'm from Wisconsin.
You know, I don't think I've ever met anybody from Wisconsin before.
Well, yeah. It's like this small,
Lutheran town outside of Madison.
You're Lutheran? I don't think I've ever met
- one of those before. - Aw, I must be
- really exotic to you. - [jazz playing over speakers]
Yeah, yeah. God, you are.
I feel like I'm on a date with a unicorn or something.
[stammers] Where in L.A. do you live?
I'm sorry, did you already tell me that? I-I have this thing
where if I read something on my phone, I like instantly forget it.
No, no, I don't-- I don't think we went over that.
- I live in Silverlake. - Oh, nice.
Yeah, my ex, Rachel, lives in Silverlake.
[laughs] Which I'm sure is very interesting to you.
God, I'm sorry.
I'm just realizing how bad I am at this.
[chuckles]
This is very uncomfortable, isn't it?
No.
It's not--
It's not.
Not uncomfortable.
Okay, new game plan. Why don't you get another drink,
and I'm just going to walk outside and quietly step into traffic.
[laughs] It's okay. It's fine, really.
Uh, I remember
what it's like dating again after a break-up.
Uh, how long has it been?
She broke up with me about six months ago.
He said I dumped him?
Are you kidding me? It was mutual.
[Rachel] We were in a bad place for almost a year.
Ben was unhappy, I was unhappy.
I felt like everything I said annoyed him,
and I resented him for making me feel that way.
Things were great between us. I mean, they weren't like
they were at the beginning, but, you know, they never are.
We had a good connection. Things were fine. Really.
And then one night, totally organically,
we just broke down,
and started talking to each other.
Then one night, she totally blindsides me
and says, "We need to talk about our relationship."
Then she just starts listing off all the terrible things
I've done to her over the past year.
I mean, she's tiny, but she's got the memory
of a fuckin' elephant. It was...
Great. We were completely honest
about the way that we were feeling
and what we wanted.
It was just like old times.
We laughed about our past
and we promised each other
that we would love each other forever
and we'd be in each other's lives.
And it was over.
Well, that was until
five days later when he showed up
at my place completely drunk.
Called me a bitch, vomited in my vase
and then unfriended me on Facebook.
Why would I want to be her Facebook friend?
Why would I want to see photos of her
and be constantly reminded-- You know, there was a time
when we used to break-up and just never see each other again.
Just wander off to the next town,
meet a girl, get Syphilis and die.
The Facebook thing hurt more than I thought it would.
We had 257 mutual friends,
dozens of photos tagged together,
and hundreds of inside jokes posted on each other's wall.
And now it was all...
And I broke up with him.
Ben. Ben.
I'm gonna have sex with you, okay?
But I just feel like I need to do this
because it's been a long time since I've been with anyone
who isn't Peter, but I want to be totally honest with you.
I don't want to see you again after tonight, okay?
You're clearly not in a good place emotionally.
You're sensibly unemployed,
and like a majority of your jokes
make me really uncomfortable.
So, yeah.
I just want to be up front with you about that.
So we're going to have sex?
- [unzips zipper] - Oh, God.
[Mel] Isn't it weird that just a few hours before
- she was a total stranger? - [Ben] She's cute.
I think that's kind of what I like about it.
- What? - My life is full of people
I grew up with or I went to school with, or I work with,
and it's kind of a narrow cross-section, if you think about it.
- It's like educated artists-- - [Lawrence] Ben--
- I am not an artist. - What I mean is,
I rarely meet people who are truly different than me.
With this, you know, I can kind of expand beyond
my immediate bubble.
What about Rachel? She's Chinese.
- She's outside your bubble. - Adopted.
She's more Jewish than I am. And the private school
she went to had an even smaller class than mine.
[James] So, when are you going to see this girl again?
[Ben] I don't know. She texted me.
But, uh, I got a couple more dates coming up next week,
so I'm gonna kinda see how things go.
Yeah, good call. Play the field,
make an informed choice-- I like that.
[Lawrence] Take it from an expert,
people aren't that different.
I mean, sure, some people are Lutheran,
some people are fat,
some people grew up in an igloo.
But it's like eating a thing of grapes.
Like, some are a little sweeter,
some are a little tartier,
some are weird and pruny.
But at the end of the day, they all taste like grapes.
- [Ben whistles] Oh... - [all snap fingers]
I'm just-- Look-- No, I'm just sayin',
don't get your hopes up-- a grape is a grape.
- [Mel] Food... - [James] Yes, it is.
- [Ben] Thank you. - [waiter] You're welcome.
- [James] Thank you, sir. - [utensils clanging]
- [waiter] Can I get you anything else? - I think we're good, thank you.
[waiter] Enjoy.
Is that Marco?
That's why you were so desperate to come here?
- Who's Marco? - Shh.
Oh, I ordered the wrong thing.
- Can I have yours instead, boo? Thank you. - I was-- Um--
- [whispering] Who's Marco? - Mm-mm.
- I want to know about Marco. - Quiet. Don't say it again.
Say it again.
I really fucking envy you, man.
Don't. It's not all great.
I meet this one girl a few days ago,
and she's really weird.
I'm so wet right now.
Yeah? I mean, cool.
I'm gonna take a nice, relaxing shower.
- Do you wanna watch? - Yeah, sure.
Great. Just click the link below
- to accept my invite. - What?
These bots are getting really good.
We had a two hour conversation about Wes Anderson
before I realized I wasn't talking to anybody.
Yeah, but for the most part, it's really easy, right?
Eh...
If I were you, I would go on a fucking tear.
[chuckles]
You know I've only had sex with two women, right?
There you are. Can we go, please?
'Cause I'm tryin' to cut down on the amount of time
I spend with heteros and I'm way over my limit
for the month.
[keyboard clacking]
- Oh, my God. - What?
Brilliant idea.
What's up?
We should make Tinder accounts.
What-- Why?
So we can look at other people's profiles and judge them.
Duh. [laughs]
Come on, we won't--
We won't message anyone,
and we'll just delete our accounts after tonight.
Come on, it'll be fun.
What picture are you using?
I'm using the one from my boat trip,
where the sun is in my eyes and my face is all like...
God. The one that Blowjob Wiggins liked.
Have you noticed that in every one of her photos,
she, she stretches her neck out
like an ostrich. She--
You're not even her friend on Facebook.
I go into your profile sometimes.
You don't look pretty in the picture.
You look constipated.
[police siren blaring in distance]
[swiping sound]
How many matches do you have?
Only 38. You?
"Only 38"? I have two.
Let me see.
Oh, well, this Erin girl is a bot.
Okay, great. So I have one.
Yeah, but Gwen just messaged you.
Really?
What did she say?
"You look like you have to...
poop."
- That's not funny. - [Mel laughs]
Some of my messages are really lude.
Tyler says I have a fuckable ass.
We know that.
Jordan says that he would like
to eat me out for a year.
A year, James.
One time I said I wasn't crazy about cunnilingus,
and that was because you said you felt--
you felt self-conscious about it.
What-- No, I'm just saying because of the message.
No, this is what's wrong with these apps, all right.
It just gives a bunch a pervs a reason
to verbally assault women on these forums.
Why are you being so angry and feminist?
- I'm not, okay. I di-- - Most of us actually care--
I didn't want to do this.
[swiping sound]
[sighs]
[keyboard clacking softly]
Over the past three months, I have been on
16 different dates with 16 different women,
and for the most part,
these women, who I suddenly found in front of me
were pretty attractive and intelligent.
I'm just finishing up my master's in econ.
But my real passion is poetry.
And they all had really interesting things to say.
Did you know that an adult eagle
can pick up a full grown deer
- and fly away with it? - That's very interesting.
I mean, it's not contextually relevant,
but it's very-- it's interesting.
And they all had different jobs and passions.
I'm in financial planning.
I'm in the police academy.
I'm a social media branding coordination strategist.
- That's not a thing. - Yeah, you're right.
I think I got the hang of things pretty quickly.
You know, asking questions that were interesting,
but not too prying, giving compliments
that were specific without being creepy,
seeming at once accessible, and aloof.
- [moaning] Oh, God. - Oh, God.
Oh, God!
[different woman] Oh, God!
- Did you just cum? - Maybe.
They weren't all great dates. Some of them were
completely disinterested in me.
Do you like working in communications?
[buttons clacking]
Or very uncomfortable.
I, uh-- Well, you see, um--
But when--
Or entirely too comfortable.
Can I get you something to drink?
Oh, sorry, I can't drink.
I'm on this new medication for an infection I have.
Oh. That was probably T.M.I., right?
My psychiatrist says I need to use better judgment
about when it's okay to be honest.
It's fine.
Heh. Let's just talk about something else.
Are both your parents living? Because mine aren't.
I began to feel less like I was going on dates,
and more like I was interviewing them for some kind of census.
The same questions, the same answers.
And soon, all these women who had seemed
so different and unique,
all started to sort of blend together.
I started noticing patterns, like how a lot of the ones
who swipe right on me, loved intramural soccer and Boba tea,
and how they all seemed to have these really great
and hilarious older brothers, named like, Greg or Steve.
Also, I realized that I had great text chemistry
with girls who liked anime, but the second we met up...
I don't like you.
[phone shutter clicks]
Oh, um, now, I actually wanted to tell you something.
I met up with that couple I was telling you about, and...
Well, I had a three-way!
When?
Three months ago.
And you're just telling me now?
Can you take a photo of me?
Ever since Ben unfriended me, there's literally
no good pictures of me online.
[phone shutter clicks]
So how was it?
- My cheeks look weird. - The three-way, Rachel.
I liked it. I mean all the attention.
It felt good.
[laughs] I just can't believe that you, you did that.
You and James should try it.
Yeah, well, I think James and I can manage
without boinking weird strangers.
All right.
I'm sorry...
I'm a little jealous, I guess.
What? Really?
Yeah. It--
I don't know, I feel like I'm in middle school again, and...
I don't know, I just-- I'm not very experienced,
and it's stupid. Just--
Mel, you have nothing to be jealous about.
Honestly, my therapist said that the only reason why
I did it was because I was having a panicky reaction
to your engagement.
Really? You mean that?
I only saw them once, then I started
hooking up with a couple Tinder randos.
How many?
[Rachel moans]
Wait...
Is this another dude's blue Oxford button down?
Uh...
Two or three, I think.
Then I started dating this older guy, Richard.
- How old? - Forties.
[phone vibrates]
I think someone... in your family might've died.
- What? - Your phone has been vibrating
- for the past 30 minutes. - Oh.
Someone's desperately trying to get a hold of you.
Mmm. That-- No.
[scoffs]
I'm just a part of three group texts.
Either someone is having an emotional breakdown
or brunch plans are being made.
- [laughs] - Either way, no big deal.
[grunts] I have an idea.
What--?
Follow me.
Richard, where are you going?
Richard?
[dramatic music playing]
Richard, are you in there?
[Richard] Yeah, babe, come on in.
[Rachel] If this is your murder chamber,
I'm gonna be so pissed.
Why are you sweating so much?
So it turns out, he's a chiropractor,
and wanted to do work on me, because apparently I have
the back of an 80-year-old with double D's.
I think in like, three dates,
he did over a thousand dollars with of chiropractic work on me.
Wow! Are you still seeing him?
Not really. I mean, my back is fixed.
- Hey, Mel. - Dustin. [chuckles]
You know, I was actually just thinking about you.
Really? Uh, cool.
This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Dustin.
How is it goin'? You know, I've actually seen
some of your stuff on YouTube, and your imitation
of a masturbating octopus is pretty funny.
Thank you. That actually came from a very real place.
Oh, I can tell because
I am a quarter jellyfish on my father's side.
Really? I swore I saw a stingray in you.
- [laughs] - So why were you thinking of me?
Oh. Um, because I promised a friend of mine
who works for this retirement facility that I would come in
and do some improv exercises with the residents tomorrow,
and I was hoping I might find a teacher's assistant?
- You got one. - Great.
I'll text you the address.
Rachel, you should come too.
Oh, no, she has a regular 9 to 5 job, so--
You know, my boss is actually recovering from Coachella,
so I have the whole week off.
But you've never done improv, so--
Well, can't I just learn as we go along?
Isn't that how improv works?
You improvise.
She's an expert already.
- Cool. - Great.
Hello, Sunshine Senior Care Center.
- Ha-ha. - [dead quiet response]
How's everybody doin'?
Okay, um, my name is Dustin,
and I'm going to teach you some improvisational exercises.
Why don't we, uh, do an exercise?
I bet that'll make sense, get things moving.
Uh, Melissa and Rachel, you guys wanna come up here?
Okay. Um, now, they're gonna walk around,
and when I shout an adjective or a noun,
they're gonna change their walk in accordance with that word.
Okay, guys?
Begin.
Heavy.
Make your walks heavier.
Friendly.
Wow, very friendly. [laughs]
Um, okay...
Snake.
[Rachel making slithering sounds]
Um, o-- Okay then.
Uh, I think everyone's got it.
Uh, now it's your turn.
[upbeat music playing]
Thanks so much for helping out.
Definitely. And if you ever need help with this again,
or just want to hang out, feel free to text me.
I drive for Swyft now, so my schedule's very flexible.
I actually wanted to talk to you.
Uh, Jill from Pizza Hat
just got staffed as a writer on this MTV sitcom,
so we're looking for a new female to replace her,
and I mentioned your name.
You did? [laughs] That's amazing.
No, it's not decided yet.
Um, it's between you and a few other girls.
Just let me know when your next show is,
and I'll bring Spike and the other guys by to check you out.
Okay. Uh, I think we have one at the end of the month.
Hey, just throwing this out there.
Maybe you could bring on more than one girl?
Yeah, we talked about that,
but Spike's pretty adamant.
You know, the six guy, one girl dynamic
is what powers Pizza Hat, so...
- That was so much fun. - Told ya.
Um, all right, I got to go.
- See you Saturday, Rach? - All right, I'll see you then.
Cool. See you around, Melissa.
And let me know when that show is.
[dry chuckle]
What's on Saturday?
Oh, Dustin invited me to one of his shows.
- That's okay, right? - Of course it is.
I just thought you said improv makes you nervous?
It does. I just--
He seems so nice.
Right.
Mel, I actually wanted to tell you something.
- I saw James on Tinder. - What?
I was on the other day, and he showed up.
I mean, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I'm sure it was just a joke.
We deleted the app on our phone after the little experiment.
But... you can re-download. That can happen, right?
[Jazz music playing]
I'm-- I'm so sorry I'm late.
Traffic was so shitty, and my phone died,
so I couldn't text you-- I hope you weren't waiting long.
No, no, not at all. Um, yeah, here.
Okay.
Oh. That was here.
Oh, perfect.
I'm just gonna-- So, Ben, you, um...
Listen, Gabriele, the-- Uh...
- How many times did you text me? - [notifications dinging]
I was just concerned that, um--
I just wanted to make sure you were-- you were on--
everything was-- I wasn't sure if
- something had pa-- Um-- - [Gabriele scoffs]
[laughing]
Not cool.
It's all right.
- [Ben] Thank you very much. - Thank you.
So yeah, I took the LSAT last month,
and I'm working at the mall and living at home
while I wait to hear back from schools.
What made you want to get into law?
I have a really good serious face.
I just didn't want to waste it.
Oh, let's see it.
Oh, yeah, that is a good serious face.
- You weren't kidding. - I know, right?
[chuckles]
- Wanna sit? - Yeah.
- Well, what about you?
Tell me about being a writer. What do you write?
Uh, well, I'd like to write for television,
which is stupid, because everybody wants to do that.
Oh, cool. Like what?
Uh, I really like drama.
Like Breaking Bad, The Wire.
- Like that. - I haven't seen those.
I don't watch a lot of TV.
So what have you written for?
Nothing yet.
You kind of need to know somebody to break in,
so right now, I must write click bait.
Still, you're following your dream.
Yeah, I'm starting to think I might be happier if I wasn't.
- How do you mean? - Well...
Just like, my whole life, every adult I've ever known--
parents, teachers, orthodontists--
told me I'm special and talented,
and if I worked hard enough, I could accomplish my dreams.
You know, I got sent to like writing camps
and elite universities, and special abroad programs,
and now I'm here, and I'm unemployed,
and I'm competing against thousands of other people
who were told that they were special and they were talented,
and if they just worked really hard, they could accomplish their dreams,
and there's just no way we could all be that special.
- You know? - Mmm. Mmm.
That sounds rough, dude.
So I'm working on an abroad program...
- Oh, shit. - I'm sorry. [chuckles]
- No. - It was a--
No, you got me.
Um, so what is click bait?
Um, it's like an article with...
a misleadingly flashy headline to get you to click on it.
- Like what? - Like the other week,
a paparazzi took a photo of Mark Ruffalo eating ice cream,
and I wrote an article called, "You'll Never Guess
Where Mark Ruffalo Puts His Ice Cream."
Oh, I get it. Because it implies
Mark Ruffalo sticks ice cream up his butt.
- Yeah. That's really clever. - Right. Yeah.
Thank you. I mean, well, for spam.
No, it's funny. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
Oh. Well, here's my Swyft, so...
Oh. Uh. Hey.
- Do you want to go out again? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Tuesday? - Oh, I can't do Tuesdays.
No, yeah, that'd be great. Sorry, it was a weird joke.
- Yeah, Tuesday would be great. - Okay, cool.
I just didn't want to wait three days to send you text.
Yeah, I know.
- Oh, would you mind? - Oh, sure, yeah. Please.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
♪ Let your mind be free ♪
[spoon clanging in ceramic bowl]
♪ To think of the future ♪
[swallows ice cream]
♪ And the dreams You hope will be ♪
♪ Let your heart remember too... ♪
I have an idea.
[James] Hmm?
Let's re-download Tinder
and switch phones with each other.
I think it'd be really interesting
to see what girl you like.
What?
Come on, let's switch phones.
Babe, see I'm busy right now?
All right, I'll borrow yours.
[muffled] No, wait. Why? What are you--?
There's no-- You don't need to.
I've already seen it, James.
What?
You're messaging a lot of girls.
A lot, a lot.
[dry chuckle]
Wait, so...
you're going through my phone now?
The things you say to them.
- Jokes. - Hmm?
You offered to take several girls to "pound town",
and you told some slutty Asian that you wanted
- to be her fuck slave. - [James laughs]
- I mean, what the fuck, James? - [laughs]
- No. No! - Stop laughing!
They're just jokes. I was just trying to see
if that even works on any girls.
- Like-- - Why would you do this to me?
Do what? I didn't do anything.
It's not like I met up with these girls.
Yeah, I went out with James once.
There wasn't really any chemistry.
I think we hung out like, mmm,
two or three times.
We might've made out a little bit.
After we slept together, he broke down,
and started crying about how much he loved his fiancé.
So I listened to him for like two hours,
and then he didn't even have the decency to text me after.
Asshole.
You're an asshole.
An ass-- How am I an asshole?
I didn't even cheat.
Cheating, I could wrap my head around.
But this?
It's so much more unsavory.
Okay, I think you're over reacting,
because this is not that big of a deal.
It's a big deal to me,
so it's a big deal, okay?
Okay. Okay.
[scoffs]
I think we need to take a break.
Okay, you've opened and closed the same folder three times.
Well, I can't find the file
that my boss is freaking out about.
I'm seriously like this close to quitting.
- Okay. - Whoa--
Fine.
- So when are you quitting? - Next month.
Well, definitely by the end of Summer.
And what will you do?
I don't know, probably the same thing somewhere else.
Really, I don't know what I want.
I just-- I know that I want more of it.
You know what I mean?
No.
[scoffs]
Like, well, what do you want?
What are your, your big plans?
When I was a kid, all I wanted to do
was make people laugh,
and have sex with pretty girls.
[scoffs] No.
I don't buy it.
Well, if you don't believe me,
then ask him for yourself.
So wait, you had sex with us?
Whoa, that's awesome.
Can I ask you something?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don't know.
I think I just want to make people laugh.
See.
So I can get on television and movies,
and be famous. We're famous, right?
Fine.
I want to be rich and famous.
So what.
What did you want to do then?
What I wanted was to be married
to be married to Leonardo DiCaprio.
Not in bed with a guy
that looks like a giant Muppet.
- Want some chips? - [scoffs]
I'm sorry, I used to be very critical of people.
And where did you get those chips? Are those mine?
- Whose place is this? - Mine.
Whoa, we must make a lot of money.
I'm doin' okay.
I'm the head of marketing--
So we're the boss of people?
Do we yell at them?
Yeah. Sometimes,
when I forget to drink my coffee.
That's so cool!
I can't wait to be in my 20's.
Something wrong?
Don't be too nice, too soon.
I hate that.
And no pussy gripping this time.
- Really choke me. - [chuckles]
[both moaning]
[moaning stops]
[exasperated breathing]
[Ben] Oh, God.
That was good.
A few more times, and uh,
I think you'll really have the hang of it.
Shut up.
[sighs] What do you want to do now?
You want to, uh, go to the gym?
Watch each other do squats for a couple hours, or...?
[both laugh]
I don't know. Um...
how about we smoke some pot?
You have some, right?
Now, why do you assume that I have pot?
I don't know, I thought all white guys smoked pot.
I might have a little. But why do you want to?
Mmm... I want to try it again.
I mean, I never really did it in high school,
because I was a big nerd, and I thought
if I took one hit, it would ruin my chances
of getting a scholarship.
And that I smoked once in college,
but I didn't really feel it,
and now I'm goin' to law school,
and I just feel like I just need to see
- what it's all about, you know? - Yeah.
So I just picked this up from the dispensary.
It's pretty strong, so just have a little bit.
- Okay. - And if you start to feel
like freaked out or paranoid,
it's just the weed, you're fine.
You're totally fine.
Okay.
I'm having a tough time
not smiling, is that normal?
I knew this kid when I was little,
he could never stop smiling.
Even when his mom was yelling at him,
[laughs] I saw him, I saw him cry once,
and he was still kind of smiling.
[laughs]
Manuel Hernandez.
Oh, man.
His mom and my mom worked together,
so I spent a lot of nights at his house
when my mom worked late,
and he was like 200 pounds when he was seven.
So all his mom kept in the house was not new--
Uh... Oh, we played this game where he'd lie on top of me,
and I'd yell out things like, "Help! You're squishing me!"
Or, "I'm being crushed!"
[laughs]
Oh, I loved it.
Oh, my God.
I bet that's why I have this re-occurring dream
where I'm making love to a Sumo wrestler.
Ben, do you have any sexual fetishes?
What?
Uh, sorry. Do you hear that?
No.
[vocalizes]
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Um, in the movie, earlier,
when Annie tells Albee that that's what her grandmother
would call a real Jew?
- What? - What did she mean?
It's like exemplifying all the stereotypes of a Jew.
Which are...?
I'm sorry, I don't really know what Jewish is.
I mean, I know it's a religion,
but like I went to a high school that was 40% Hispanic
and 60% Asian, so I don't really--
You still must have some, you know, sense of--
Well, what do you know about Peruvian culture?
Well, that's different, 'cause Peruvians
aren't as prominent in mainstream culture.
- Mainstream? - Look, I'm sorry. I've been hypocritical.
Okay, Jewish stereotypes-- people think that we are, uh...
uh, greedy, that we're un-athletic,
that we have big noses, we're all doctors
and lawyers and accountants, and that we run Hollywood
and the media.
Wow, that's a lot of stereotypes.
Yeah, well, you know, genocides don't fuel themselves.
[both laugh]
- I've never met anyone like you. - Yeah, clearly.
But honestly, I'm a walking cliché. You just don't know
all the stuff I'm ripping off. Thank God.
[scoffs] You shouldn't be so self-deprecating.
I don't like it.
Tell me more about this squishing fetish.
- Squish. - I'm squishing!
- Come on, come on. Ohh... - I'm squishing!
[phone vibrates]
Who is blowin' up your phone?
Brunch plans.
My friend Stephanie decided that she wanted
to go vegan and so it created this whole ordeal.
[Lawrence] What are you doin'?
I'm posting this BuzzFeed article
about John Haam's facial patterns to James' wall.
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh. - It's just, he's really obsessed with him--
- No! - No.
- Fine! - Stop it.
Fine! [groans]
Stop.
I just miss talking to him.
I know, boo boo.
I did sign up for Tinder though.
- Yes! - [Rachel] What?
- Yeah. See. - [Lawrence] Let me see.
- Wait. What? - [Lawrence] Yes.
Ooh. Your boobs look good in these.
- [Lawrence laughs] - Yeah, I've been messaging this guy Otis.
I don't think I'm ready to meet up,
but I really do like this constant validation thing.
- [Rachel] He's hot! - [Mel] Mmm.
Oh, my God, and he has such a cute dog.
You have to meet up with him.
I'm just-- I'm-- I'm not ready for that.
You know, just--
I can't.
Pity parties block blessings.
[scoffs]
Oh, my God.
That just reminds me, I have to meet up
- with Dustin in about an hour. - Seriously?
Well, do you wanna join?
I'm all set. Thanks!
[sighs]
Do you mind if I just...
- sleep here? - No.
You can make yourself at home.
Thanks. I think I just need some rest.
[piano music playing]
[phone vibrates]
[sniffs]
I'm really glad we did this.
Yeah. Uh.
Well, you promised me dumplings, so...
- [laughs] - [glasses clink]
So you were saying that
you just got out of a long relationship?
Yeah, a few months ago.
Dated for a little over five years.
Wow, why'd you break up?
Wow, I'm-- I'm sorry.
- I know that was just way too-- - No. No, no, no. It's okay.
In fact, uh, let me get her.
This is Ella.
- Hi. - Hi.
Uh, so why didn't you two work out?
Oh, it was nothing major really.
Our interests just kind of shifted part over the years,
and eventually, it was our 5th anniversary,
and I began to wonder if I could really do another five.
And that I fucked his brother.
I would argue what mostly the brother thing.
I like your dress.
Thanks. You look really pretty.
Really? 'Cause when I first saw you,
- I was just like-- - Okay!
[Otis laughs]
Can I ask you a question, Melissa?
Uh, yeah.
Are you happy?
Yeah, if I don't think
about my life or where I am too much,
I'm pretty happy.
- That's good. - How about you?
It's good to be happy.
[mumbles]
Uh-- Okay.
Maybe not on the first date.
Maybe.
I like you a lot, Melissa.
- A lot. - And I had a good time too.
I just--
Okay, s-- I just-- Please stop.
Okay. Okay.
Just, uh...
gettin' a lot of mixed signals.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to give you mixed signals.
Um, I just got out of a long relationship too.
It's really-- It's complicated.
We're working it out.
So don't you want to have a little fun now?
[chuckles] I do. And I was having fun.
Just a little...
Ah! Oh!
- Fuck! - Are you okay?
- Ah... - Oh!
- [groans] - Oh!
It's fine. It's fine.
We're going out again, right?
[keys jingling]
Hello?
James?
I'm home...
Home.
Mel?
Mel, what are you doing here?
You, uh...
got rid of some stuff. [chuckles]
There's a butterfly.
Is everything all right?
I wanna end the break. [laughs]
- Mel, you're drunk. - No, stop it!
- Mel-- - Listen.
- Listening? - Mm-hmm.
Okay. Are you awake? [slapping his face]
Yeah, I'm awake.
Yeah.
- I was scared. - Mm-hmm.
- But now I'm not. - Okay.
And I'm ready to love you,
if you'll just love me.
No, listen, I have--
Is everything--
[sighs]
Oh.
- Hi, I'm Jess. - I know who you are, Jess...
Wiggins.
I really like your comedy videos.
- I always watch them when-- - Well, don't. They're private.
What is wrong with you?
It hasn't even been a week.
What are you talkin' about, Mel?
We're on a break, all right.
That was your choice.
The only one you've ever made.
[scoffs]
What does that mean?
We moved in together
because I thought it'd be a good idea.
We chose this place
because you couldn't pick between the K-Town one
and this one,
and you made me pick.
Every night, I tripped up in out dark bedroom
because you couldn't decide on a fucking lamp.
You've gotten plenty of job opportunities
- that you've turned down-- - I like driving for Swyft.
Okay? It allows my schedule
- to be flexible. - Flexible.
Yeah, yeah. Flexible to do what?
Sit on the couch and get stoned?
Because I know you haven't gone to one audition
even though you're dying to be an actress.
I have an improv group.
Ah, Mel.
You only like improv
because it requires zero preparation,
and you can make that shit up as you go along.
[sighs] Oh, God.
Oh, Mel.
I don't want to lose you.
Not wanting to lose me
is not the same thing as wanting to be with me.
Fine.
[music playing]
[Mel] James and I went
to private school together on the east coast.
But we weren't really very close.
And after graduation, we went to different schools,
and I never really heard from him.
He was one of those guys that I Facebook stalked
a little bit.
And it was harmless.
And then a few months ago,
I moved to L.A. 'with my boyfriend Carl.
We took our photo by Santa Monica Beach,
and we captioned it, "Just moved."
And we got a message from James.
He said he wanted to catch up.
And I ignored it for a little bit.
I don't know why.
Maybe I knew what would happen.
From the moment that we met up,
we just had this chemistry.
And God, all my anxiety
and my nerves about the move,
and about Carl and about my job situation
just melted away and I felt
like I was back in high school again.
But, that didn't last very long
because now I am lying to Carl,
I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I feel fine. Seriously.
When I think about it, it was a long time a comin'.
I'm just grateful it happened now
as opposed to 20 years down the line.
James is an asshole.
You need to take that sex tape and post it on Twitter
so everyone can see his tiny dick.
It's hardly a sex tape. It's more like a GIF.
I'm not angry at James.
Know what, I feel, for the first time in a long time,
I feel... unburdened.
Okay, you're clearly having some kind of psychotic rage.
No. Hi.
- [waiter] Hi. - Mmm. You have lovely eyes.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- What's your name? - Uh, Marco.
Oh, wow.
That's a great name.
- Thank you. Thank you. - [Marco] Enjoy.
- All right, thank you. - [Mel] Hmm.
Yeah, you've been talkin' to this guy for a year now,
- and I'm the psychotic one? - I know.
What's worst case scenario?
He's not what you hyped him up to be, and her rejects you?
No, worst case scenario is exactly what I've imagined,
and we fall in love and it still doesn't make me happy.
Hey, I just wanna come by and wish you a good show.
Uh, this is Spike, by the way.
I'm not sure if you two have met.
Hi. Yeah, we met a while ago.
- As Gordo's party. - I don't think so.
- Okay. - But hey, you know, have a good show.
The whole team is excited to see what you got.
Well, I hope I can show you what I got if you know what I'm sayin'.
Right. Funny.
Thanks.
Okay then.
Good luck. Okay.
So there's a guy at every improv show
that laughs way too hard at everything
just to prove that he like gets it.
And I'm betting on that guy.
[Gabriela] I'm excited.
I've never been to an improv show before.
Is it like Wild and Out with Nick Cannon?
It's exactly like Wild and Out with Nick Cannon.
I think he's actually gonna be here tonight.
- Really? - No.
Mmm.
Hey there.
Hi.
Hi. Um, I'm Rachel.
- Oh, Gabriela. - Nice to meet you.
How's, uh-- How's Mel doin'?
She's doin' fine.
[dry chuckle]
So, um, uh, Gabby, what do you do?
Uh, Gabriela. And I work the mall.
Oh! I got my first hand-job at the mall.
Oh, me too! Well, a movie theater at the mall,
but who didn't get turned on during Ratatouille.
[laughs] I like you.
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am, but it looks like
our only recourse is to send you
on a one-way trip to Africa.
[laughs] Oh, man.
I flew Dinosaur Airlines.
[laughs]
Hello, and welcome to Dinosaur Airlines.
This is your pilot, uh, Captain Velociraptor speaking.
[makes high-pitched squawk sound]
And this is our beautiful stewardess.
Hi. I'm...
[dramatic music playing]
[small grunt]
[laughter]
I can't believe I'm in Pizza Hat.
You blew us away.
I mean, that crying bit was hilariously pathetic.
I don't-- I don't give compliments either, you know, so...
clear your Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays for rehearsal,
and then go ahead and clear your Friday,
Saturday for performance, and we're good to go.
Oh. Great.
Great.
Hey, Mel. Great show, I think.
- [Mel chuckles] - Uh, uh, this is Gabriela.
- Hi, Gabriela! - Hi. Hey.
- Thank you so much for coming. - Yes.
- It's nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
- You're a really pretty crier. - Thank you!
Hey. Dustin.
The masturbating octopus himself.
It's an honor. Uh, Ben.
[clears throat]
[Mel] 30 people RSVP'd yes to this.
Well, it like never really happened.
Can we head out soon? Maybe we'll watch
one of your serial killer episodes or something.
Spike and the rest of the team are heading
to The Thirsty Crawl. Let's just grab one drink
and then we can go home.
[chattering]
I'm tired.
I-- I don't wanna--
Richard?
Uh, Rachel. Hey there.
What are you doing here?
Uh, my daughter told me about this place.
Improv comedy. [laughs]
Very cool.
[upbeat music playing]
There you are...
- Hey. - Hey.
You said this was a small get together.
Okay, there's barely like a dozen people here.
Yeah, but that's like a dozen people
I got to figure out a greeting with.
Handshakes? Is it high-five all around? I don't know.
Honey, don't be so nervous. They're gonna love you.
They already think I'm your tax attorney.
- What? No, they don't. - No, well, I have a stack
of your Uncle Hector's W2's that beg to differ.
Shut up. You suck. I don't have an Uncle Hector.
Come on. Come on.
[Gabriela] This is my mom that you met earlier.
And my tia Rosa. And my tio Raul.
And my cousin Bruna. And that is Carmen.
And Shane. And Soliel.
- And my cousin Chris. - Hi, Chris.
Nice to meet you guys.
Where'd you meet Gabriela?
We met on, uh, on Tinder, actually.
- Oh! - Yes.
- Okay. Good for you. - Yeah.
[reciting prayer in Spanish]
- [mother] Amen. - [all] Amen.
Okay. Let's eat.
Just eat. It's good.
- It is? - Yeah.
- What? It's a heart? - Yeah.
All right. Thank you. Thanks.
[Ben] So what do you guys do for work?
You guys work in finance or something?
Hey, do you and Gabriela ever kiss?
Uh, yeah. We do sometimes.
Well, doesn't your nose get in the way?
- So what do you do? - Oh, I'm retired.
Uh, I've been retired since '98.
I was a tow truck driver for about 40 years.
Oh, wow.
In tow trucks, you guys are sort of like the,
you're sort of like the lifeguards of the road.
Except you have your shirts on.
- I mean, I think, I don't know. - [chuckles]
You know, who knows how you do it.
But, uh-- Oh. Thank you so much.
[singing in Spanish]
[mother] Oh, wait a minute. I have to take a picture.
- Picture, picture. - Oh.
- Sorry, uh... - [mother] Just a minute.
No, no, Ben. Stay in there.
- You sure? - Stay in there. Yeah.
- Ready? Smile! - [Ben] Okay...
- [Ben] Oops. Got 'em. - Wait. Yeah, come here.
- Okay. - [mother] Smile, everybody.
[both speaking Spanish]
- Gabriela? - Hey, one sec.
- [speaks Spanish] - I think I'm gonna head out.
- What? - I'm just feeling really wiped,
um, and I-- I totally forgot I have this article
that I have to send in to, uh, the site tomorrow.
Oh, okay. Well, I-I-- I'll walk you to your car.
You sure? I don't want to, you know,
take away the birthday girl.
No, that's fine.
- Um, I'll be right back. - Okay.
You didn't have to come.
No, I wanted to come. Really, I had a good time.
I'm just-- I'm just tired.
Okay. I just-- I thought you were sleep
at my place for once.
Oh, I'm just-- I'm wiped, babe.
I-I, uh-- It seemed like the party was going to go on
for a little while longer. Uh, I'll stay over soon.
Okay. When?
Uh, I don't know. Uh, I'll text you.
We can figure it out.
You know I hate when you do that.
- When I do what? - "We'll figure it out."
What's wrong with that? Why can't we just figure it out?
Because when you say that, it makes me feel like you don't want to see me at all.
No, I just don't always like to make definitive plans.
Why can't we just be casual?
Casual? I don't-- What--
I'm not someone who just sleeps around with whoever.
I know. I'm just--
Do you really think that we're that compatible?
You said you liked our differences.
I do. We're just very different.
I mean, I'm going home next month for Yom Kippur.
You probably don't even know what that is.
Yes, I do. It's the little hats you wear.
We just have different lives. We have different references.
And that's fine, you know. It's not--
I'm sorry. I don't know all the movies you love.
I'm sorry that I work at the mall
and not some hip branded content, whatever.
I'm sorry my parents couldn't co-sign on a lease.
Gabriela, that is not what this is about.
Then what is it about, Ben? Tell me.
In like a month, you're going to get into law school.
And we're gonna act like it's fine,
and try to play it cool, but eventually,
you're gonna meet somebody, or get back with your ex,
and I'm just gonna be some story about some funny Jewish guy
you dated once, and that's fine.
You're probably too nice for me, anyway.
But, I don't know, why waste our time
gettin' to the inevitable?
Gabriela, listen, I--
No, I know you think that just because you're so self-aware,
it makes what you say less mean,
but it doesn't.
It's been a rough few months,
but I think I'm finally over James.
No longer constantly re-reading her text messages,
looking for clues
to when he stopped loving me.
I'm not incessantly looking at photos
of him and his new girlfriend.
And in general, I'm just not holding onto any anger.
I'm-- I'm doing my art, I'm meeting up with friends,
I'm exercising.
[sighs] Really, I'm doing well.
[Rock music playing]
♪ Here it comes again ♪
- Um, excuse me. Miss? - [Mel] Yes?
I just saw a taco stand back there.
Um, I'm gonna need you to head back, please.
Yeah, I need a burrito.
♪ See how he's tryin' ♪
[Mel] Yeah? You been drinking?
No. Not a ton. Just like...
I was at this networking thing, and like...
I don't know, there's like...
You know, when you go out, and you don't expect to see
this dude that you've been seeing, but he's there anyway,
and he told you he wasn't gonna be there.
It's like fine now.
♪ Watching when it move ♪
♪ He's a funny man who ♪
[man] You said you were gonna be here in ten minutes.
- Well, that's the app. - You came in like 15 minutes.
- That's not me. - No, no, no.
You were like staying in one spot the whole time.
What were you-- What were you doing
for those like extra five minutes
just sitting there?
♪ When all the good time are around ♪
♪ Go ahead and laugh ♪
Thanks for waiting. I need to get--
Hey, do I know you?
- I don't think so. - I'm good with faces.
I think you were my driver a few months ago.
I get a lot of passengers.
The artist, right?
It's L.A. There are a lot of artists.
- Melissa? - Yeah.
Where are you going?
Why don't you clock out and let me take you out somewhere.
I don't like bars. Too noisy.
Why don't we go somewhere quiet? We can talk.
I don't feel much like talking.
The quiet sounds nice.
[Wanda Davis' "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" playing]
♪ I would shiver ♪
♪ The whole night through ♪
What happened? You were so brazen before?
I-I know, I'm just--
You're shaking.
I-I-I don't-- I'm--
[sighs] I just got out of
- a relationship. - It's all right, just relax.
Just relax. All right?
Okay.
♪ My girl, my girl ♪
♪ You can't hide from me ♪
♪ Tell me where did you sleep last night ♪
♪ In the pines ♪
- ♪ In the pines ♪ - [moaning]
♪ Where the sun never shines ♪
♪ I would shiver the whole night through ♪
I just realized that my ex was not good at that.
Okay.
Now you've made it.
Actually, I'm gonna go.
- What, are you kidding? - No.
But... this was a lot of fun.
And we should do it again sometime.
Wait.
[chuckles] Wait.
Hey, that's not fair!
[upbeat music playing]
[quietly crying]
[Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries" playing over speakers]
[slow music playing]
[notification dings]
- Say something Jewish. - What?
So act, talk like a Jewish person.
Oh, yeah, like a...
Oy. Oh, my back! [groans]
And-and like Hebrew stuff.
Oh. Oh, oh, yeah.
[stammers]
[speaking Hebrew]
Oh, my God...
[continues Hebrew]
[clears throat]
[coughs]
[sighs]
Um...
Can you pass me my phone?
- [Ben] Oh, yeah. - Thanks.
Who's, uh, who's this?
Oh, my boyfriend David.
Y-Your boyfriend?
I'm sorry, I-I don't understand.
Oh, um, he has problems getting hard.
He has since February, and, um, you know, I love him,
and want to make things work, so I just...
have certain urges to satisfy, you know.
So you just...
You just go on Tinder and--
Well, does your boyfriend know?
[chuckles] Come on.
I'm sorry, I just don't understand
how you can be so cavalier
about betraying the person that you supposedly love.
Because I'm not betraying him.
I'm fighting for him.
I'm fighting for our relationship.
I love him, and yes,
we have a couple little incompatibilities,
but that's not important to me,
and I'm not just gonna run away from him
because things get hard.
Or soft.
Like his kiss.
I feel used.
Well, that's dating.
[taps on table]
You can sit on the couch, you know.
No, I'm-- I'm good here.
So what's, uh, what's goin' on?
How's, how's work?
[sighs] I'm just about to quit.
When we were dating, weren't you just about to quit?
How's Gabriela?
It's not really happening anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
[dry chuckle]
- What? - Nothing.
How's, uh, Desmond?
Dustin.
Yeah, well, that's over with too.
I guess we wanted different things.
Well, I never cared for him.
[dry chuckle]
You know, I'm glad that you're here.
- Really? - Yeah, it's nice to see you.
Nice? Nice, how?
What's, uh, what's so nice about it?
- Ben, come on. - No, seriously.
What's, what's good about it?
What's so nice--? What--?
Look, just because-- I-I--
Can I just say that it's nice to see you,
- without you freaking out? - Because it's not nice to see you.
Not for me. It's very difficult.
All right, it's tough being here with you.
You think just because I want us to be friends
that somehow that means that you're--
that you like me more than I like you?
Yeah, exactly, because if you cared about me
a fraction as much as I cared about you,
this would be just as hard for you.
No. No.
Because we were best friends
for four years.
And then, and then we break up
and, and you cut me out of your life.
What, do you think that I don't think about you?
That I don't wonder what you're doing
or just what you're up to?
I can't--
I mean, don't you wonder what's going on in my life
and what I'm doing?
Of course I do.
Just because I want you in my life,
doesn't mean that this is any easier for me
than it is for you.
[sighs]
Sorry for freezing you out.
I was just too...
I know.
Fine. We can be Facebook friends.
But I'm not gonna follow you on Twitter.
[Greg Holden's "Nothing Else Matters" playing]
♪ It's been a long summer ♪
♪ But the cool air is close ♪
♪ I lost a lover ♪
♪ And made friends with ghosts ♪
♪ But I'm out from the covers ♪
♪ Letting go ♪
♪ And I'm finding my way ♪
♪ And nothing else matters ♪
♪ I push through the pain ♪
♪ Nothing else matters ♪
♪ I'm doing okay ♪
♪ And nothing else matters to me ♪
♪ Nothing else matters to me ♪
[Gabriela] Ben, what are you doing here?
Hey. Uh...
[dry chuckle]
I don't know. Uh, I-- I wanted to congratulate you
on-on getting into law school.
Thanks.
So you leave in a couple months?
Looks like it.
I'm excited. I've never been to New York before.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
And, uh, how have you been?
I've been-- I've been good. Good.
Uh, I just got a job as a writer's assistant
for this Nickelodeon show, 'cause my uncle went
to Hebrew school with the creator, so...
Right, because the Jews run show business.
If nothing else, I was glad I was able to pass on
a little bit of basic anti-Semitism to you.
Yeah.
Um...
See, Gabriela, I-I'm sorry
about how things ended between us.
You know, everything happened so fast,
it almost didn't seem real.
Does that make any sense? Like just one second,
you're this picture on my phone and the next second
I'm eating a cow's heart in your backyard and...
I panicked.
You know, I thought Tinder threw me
into this situation that I wasn't supposed to be in,
and I thought I could just swipe it away,
'cause it's easier to blame things on the phone,
you know, on these apps then to admit that...
You know, I was-- I was scared...
'cause, um...
I think you're an amazing person, Gabriela.
I'm really sorry, uh, and I hope
you can forgive me for not knowing
what was real in the moment.
Yeah.
I can forgive you.
Really?
Well, you made the whole dramatic speech.
[groans] Oh, goddamn it.
It was so much better in the car.
Quit it. Come on, do you want to come in?
- Yeah, that'd be great. - Okay. Okay.
I would love that.
- Thanks. - [Gabriela chuckles]
[slide viewer whirring]
[Mel] Is Dustin coming?
You know, it's fine.
I'm over it. And I just decided
that I am not going to date anyone
for at least three months because I did the math,
and the longest I've ever been single
was two and a half months.
That doesn't count. You had lime disease.
But I was single, as I am now.
And that's, that's all that matters. I feel good about it.
Well, I'm really happy for you, Rachel.
Yeah. I just feel like I need to focus on myself,
I'm quitting my job.
And dating just gets in the way of it all.
Richard?
Rachel...
When my wife left me,
I felt like I had lost the will to want
anything ever again.
And then I met you,
and the feelings I had scared me.
I had a daughter I had to look after,
and I didn't want to hurt you,
and that's why I stopped calling.
Oh, I actually stopped calling you.
Rachel, I've been asked to join
some of the top chiropractors in the world
at a conference in Barcelona. Come with me.
You want to take me to Barcelona?
Flight leaves in two hours.
Oh, my God.
Wow, this is happening so fast.
I-I need to pack.
We'll buy you new clothes when we get there.
Okay.
- Yes, yes, yes. - [Mel vocalizes]
- Oh, my God. - Come on, we got to go.
- Okay. - Rachel, are you sure you want to do this?
Oh, I have never been more sure about anything in my life.
Uh...
Uh, Melissa, right?
- What? Yeah. - I'm, uh, I'm Wes.
I'm the director of communications for Swyft corporate.
Look, I've been following your customer reviews.
You seem to really have a way with people.
Um, I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Are you-- Are you buying one of my zoetropes?
No. We're looking for someone to work in the office.
In customer service.
- Oh. - It's a 9-to-5.
But we have benefits, if you're interested.
Did I miss it?
[James] You keep this room cleaner than we did ours.
I was not that messy.
[laughs] Yeah, you were.
I just...
I can't believe you guys broke up.
You seemed so happy.
According to Facebook, you guys were,
you know, on the beach, kissing at sunset,
at least once a week.
[groans] How else do you expect
her old sorority sisters to know that she was happier than them?
- [chuckles] - So what happened?
Well, we just...
We realized we didn't have anything in common, really.
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
You guys grew up together.
Yeah, I mean, reminiscing about the past
was fun and all, and...
You know, she left her fiancé, and...
that was riveting for a little bit,
but then, you know, we realized
we didn't know each other at all.
You know, we had this idea of one another,
and this idea from back in high school,
but...
Yeah, it was, it was nothing.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - [kisses]
Don't be.
Okay, okay.
Calm down. [laughs]
And...
there's someone coming over in a few hours, and...
I need to do some work and get ready.
Yeah. Okay.
All right, I'm...
I'm really glad to see you, and...
I don't regret that this happened.
Yeah, well...
we'll probably regret it tomorrow, but...
- [chuckles] - But who knows?
Maybe later...
it won't even matter.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Yeah. What's up?
Why did you propose?
I don't know.
I guess I just...
I wanted to make a decision about something.
I wanted something in my life to be definite.
[quietly] Okay.
- Melissa. - Wayne!
Yeah, I have the...
Oh, you have no idea how long I've been looking for this.
[chuckles] Cool.
Well, have...
Well, uh, thanks!
Yeah.
[grunts]
Fuck.
It's not the right one.
So there was no chiropractic convention
in Barcelona.
I got into Richards car,
had a glass of celebratory champagne
that he insisted on,
and then...
nothing.
On the night of September 22nd, 2016,
at approximately 7:23 p.m.,
I pulled over a black Mercedes sedan
on the corner of Fountain and Normandie,
because I believed the driver to be texting
while driving.
The driver, one Richard Kaplan,
gives his license and registration,
and I was about to let him off with a warning,
when I noticed a persistent buzzing
coming from the trunk of the vehicle.
Upon opening the trunk, I discovered
Miss Strauss, unconscious.
The buzzing was coming from her phone in her pocket.
If it had not been for several women texting her
regarding brunch plans for the following day,
I'm afraid we never would've found Miss Strauss.
And we never would've apprehended Mr. Kaplan,
who you may know as the Tindernapper.
The Tindernapper.
That's what they came up with.
It was clever, but a little inaccurate,
since we met on an entirely different app.
But it was a good headline.
And for a while, I was kind of famous.
I wrote the most viewed editorial HuffPo history
about the experience.
I had to elaborate a little,
because essentially, I got into a car and took a nap,
but I sold the rights to my story to Hulu,
and with the money,
I finally quit my job
and bought a one-way ticket to Barcelona.
I just felt like I didn't need
to wait for a relationship to go.
I should just go.
So I went.
And it was amazing.
For four days.
Then I got lonely,
and I ended up signing up an online dating app
for Americans who were staying abroad.
- And I ma-- - We matched again.
[chuckles] Hi. Todd.
Um, yeah, I was just--
I was randomly also in Barcelona.
I was actually there as the international judge
for a local tapas competition,
and, uh, I remember I had just taken a break
after having a particularly delicious croquette de pollo,
and I looked at my phone, and I saw the message from Rachel, and I--
Why do you always have to mention the croquette de pollo
every time you tell the story? Why can't you just say,
"I judged a competition, and I saw Rachel on my phone"?
Oh, I'm--
I'm s-- I'm so sorry, I didn't realize
you didn't like croquettes de pollo?
- I was-- - No. It's not that I don't like--
No. I'm sorry.
I interrupted you.
Continue.
She's so patient with me. [laughs]
Things are great. I'm in New York,
but Ben visits a lot, and I obviously go home a lot,
so we see each other pretty often.
Yeah, with all the Skype'ing and texting, and, uh...
all that stuff,
honestly, it really hardly even feels
- like a long distance relationship. - Ah, yeah.
[female interviewer] Do you think you're in a relationship
because of online dating or in spite of it?
I think it's kind of a mix of the two.
Uh, I used to get embarrassed when people asked how we met.
I wanted a fun, romantic story,
and Tinder didn't feel fun or romantic,
but then I started thinking about the fact that
one night, a year and a half ago,
I signed up for Tinder at my friend Manuela's apartment,
swiped right on the photo of Ben,
who was 3.7 miles away at his apartment,
because I liked his smile,
and then I started thinking, what if Manuela had come to my house?
Or, what if I had gone to her place,
but didn't let her pressure me into downloading the app?
Or...
what if Ben had picked a different profile picture
where he wasn't smiling and I never noticed him in the first place?
Uh, I don't know, after I was thinking all these things,
suddenly, the story of how Ben and I met felt...
It's like fate with a GPS function.
- [laughs] - Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, right? Something like that.
Bumble, Tinder, Grindr, Scruff, whatever.
I think they're great and all,
but me, I'd rather meet guys the old fashioned way.
Like Lawrence, for instance.
He was this cute boy who will just come in
to my restaurant, and one day,
I got the courage to ask him out.
I didn't need technology or anything.
And I think it's better that way.
Mmm. Mmm.
[interviewer] Lawrence, did you notice Marco
before he asked you out?
I mean...
[interviewer] Did you ever give online dating another chance?
Well, I deleted it,
and then I re-downloaded it, and then I deleted it again,
and then it's just kind of like been going like that for awhile.
I just felt like whenever,
you know, a guy liked me, I didn't really like him back,
and, uh, if I liked a guy, he wasn't really that into me.
[interviewer] Are you seeing anyone now?
Not really.
Uh, it's not that serious.
I, uh, yeah, we're, we're just,
we're havin' fun, you know, so...
Uh, being single's actually really...
Awful. Firstly, no one is getting laid
as much as they say they are.
[interviewer] But you were once so intrigued
by online dating, no?
Yeah, I was, but...
It's like when you're up late at night
and you want to watch a movie, so you start scrolling
through your Netflix, your HBO Go,
your Amazon Prime, and there's so many options,
that by the time you make a decision,
you're already too tired to enjoy it in the first place.
It's like...
I'll watch a movie for 20 minutes,
and then I'll stop it, and I'll watch another one
for another 20 minutes, and I'll do that
over and over and over again, because I figure,
what's the point of watching a movie that's just okay,
when out of all these options,
is my new favorite movie?
So basically,
all this just goes to shit because none of us
- are gonna be able to-- - [phone notification chimes]
Sorry.
Hey, I got a match.
♪ I got the whole world ♪
♪ In my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole wide world ♪
♪ In my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
♪ I got all of my lovers in my hands ♪
♪ I got all my lovers in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
♪ I got all of my exes in my hands ♪
♪ I got all my exes in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
♪ I got all of my friends in my hands ♪
♪ I got all my friends in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
♪ I got Tinder and Facebook in my hands ♪
♪ I got Instagram and Grindr in my hands ♪
♪ I got Snapchat and Twitter in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
[female vocalist scatting]
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole wide world in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪
♪ The whole world in my hands ♪
♪ I got the whole world in my hands ♪