1
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:31,030
All my life I had been looking
for my prince,

2
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:34,909
you know, someone deep,
someone sweet

3
00:00:34,933 --> 00:00:36,207
who could make me laugh.

4
00:00:36,235 --> 00:00:40,445
Ashlee and me talked
on the phone all night.

5
00:00:40,472 --> 00:00:45,252
And I totally cracked her up
with my witty jokes and funny noises.

6
00:00:45,277 --> 00:00:46,951
And then we finally met.

7
00:00:46,979 --> 00:00:52,328
And right from the very first second,
our chemistry was like, "hello?"

8
00:00:52,351 --> 00:00:55,890
And we're both really sensitive.

9
00:00:55,921 --> 00:00:58,835
<i>We got this kind oi
artsy-Pansy thing going.</i>

10
00:00:58,857 --> 00:01:01,737
So one day, we made a painting.

11
00:01:03,829 --> 00:01:06,936
Everything we do together is fun.

12
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:11,575
Fuck you, Dylan and Ashlee.

13
00:01:18,343 --> 00:01:19,721
♪ Beautiful people ♪

14
00:01:21,513 --> 00:01:23,493
♪ Looking for one another ♪

15
00:01:25,951 --> 00:01:28,091
♪ Baby, I'm a simple man ♪

16
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,361
♪ Trying to find my true love ♪

17
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:38,171
♪ Mmm, but I promise
when I finally find you ♪

18
00:01:39,331 --> 00:01:40,834
♪ You're gonna know ♪

19
00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:45,740
♪ I'm gonna wrap
my world around you ♪

20
00:01:45,771 --> 00:01:46,771
- <i>.' And never .'</i>
- <i>.' Never .'</i>

21
00:01:46,772 --> 00:01:46,944
- <i>.' And never .'</i>
- <i>.' Never .'</i>

22
00:01:46,972 --> 00:01:48,212
- .' Ever .'
- .' Ever .'

23
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,379
- <i>.' Ever .'</i>
- <i>.' Never let you go. .'</i>

24
00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:00,227
Jorge, Jorge,
we've been over this before.

25
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,822
You can't smoke in Debby's.

26
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,334
No, man, I think you can.

27
00:02:03,355 --> 00:02:07,736
I'm... I'm manager here.
I'm fairly well-versed in the rules.

28
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,103
Come on, buddy, put it out.

29
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:11,131
Don't you ever bend the rules?

30
00:02:11,163 --> 00:02:13,508
No.

31
00:02:13,532 --> 00:02:15,443
Corporate puppet.

32
00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:23,085
How's your... food?

33
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,861
Saturday night.
We're gonna do it.

34
00:02:38,891 --> 00:02:42,338
We are gonna do it.

35
00:02:42,361 --> 00:02:44,170
Getting paid
and laid tonight, baby.

36
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:46,676
Paid... and laid.

37
00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:48,508
I don't even know what that means.

38
00:02:48,534 --> 00:02:51,640
It means what we want it to mean.
Okay?

39
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:55,516
It means what we want it...

40
00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:56,986
to mean, you dig?

41
00:02:57,009 --> 00:02:59,683
Uh, no, I don't dig.

42
00:02:59,711 --> 00:03:02,282
Ricky, what is with you?
Come on, quit being such a buzzkill.

43
00:03:02,314 --> 00:03:03,987
Now grab your cock.
Put on some socks.

44
00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:08,487
'Cause we're gonna do this town up
and do it right, seniorita.

45
00:03:14,426 --> 00:03:16,429
Paid and laid.
We're doing it.

46
00:03:16,461 --> 00:03:18,703
How exactly are we doing it?

47
00:03:18,730 --> 00:03:20,368
Oh, I don't know,
numero uno, hog...

48
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,573
got you out of the house,
so there's that.

49
00:03:22,602 --> 00:03:24,740
- W's a W.
- I'm back where I work.

50
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,341
It's a lateral move at best.

51
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,908
All right, well, look, that's just
round one of the festivities.

52
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,853
You're not gonna believe round two.

53
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,413
Ricky. Ricky. Ricky?

54
00:03:32,444 --> 00:03:34,425
You're not gonna believe
round two.

55
00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:36,859
Please stop repeating things.
Please?

56
00:03:42,921 --> 00:03:46,597
So when do you go
into production?

57
00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:49,105
I'm really, really not in the mood.
Nope.

58
00:03:53,966 --> 00:03:55,412
When do you go into production?

59
00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:59,144
Next month.

60
00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:00,276
Great.

61
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:03,479
So you're going to production
on your motion picture next month?

62
00:04:03,508 --> 00:04:04,885
Is it fully cast yet?

63
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:08,551
No. No, it is...
it is not fully cast yet.

64
00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:13,155
We're still, we're still looking
for our two, uh, lead actresses.

65
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,097
Wow.
Well, just fantastic.

66
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:18,101
That's just-that's just super.
That's just deluxe.

67
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:20,035
Now do they have to be
well-known, or...

68
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,699
- Do they have to be...
-  Ricky. Hey. Ricky!

69
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,735
Do they have to be well-known,
these actresses?

70
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:31,374
No. No, we're, we're actually
looking for two total newcomers.

71
00:04:31,403 --> 00:04:33,975
This makes me happy,
as the film's director,

72
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,317
because I like working
with fresh faces, so...

73
00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:40,882
Me too, as the movie's
executive producer, I...

74
00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:44,451
Hey, man.
I can't work Saturday.

75
00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:46,463
Can I get a double next week?

76
00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:48,125
Oh, sure, no problem.

77
00:04:50,055 --> 00:04:51,363
You know what?

78
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:54,391
These broken-down fillies are just gonna
get in the way of round two anyhow.

79
00:04:55,894 --> 00:04:57,271
Round two, baby.
Round two.

80
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,846
Doing it long, doing it strong.

81
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:06,577
Maybe we should
just shoot each other.

82
00:05:07,939 --> 00:05:11,149
Hey, you seem a bit down, man.
What up, hog?

83
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,656
It's Saturday night
and I'm with you.

84
00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:17,290
Not for long, baby.

85
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,091
Not for long.

86
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:21,990
So when do you go into production?

87
00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:24,000
Gary Kless is getting married.
I just got the invitation.

88
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:25,899
Yeah, me too. Who cares?
Oh, what's that?

89
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:28,098
The actresses
don't need to be fresh faces?

90
00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:30,834
That leaves just you and me,
just you and me.

91
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:34,435
We are the only two freaks
from high school to never be married.

92
00:05:34,466 --> 00:05:37,038
Can I ask you a question?
How the hell do you even know that?

93
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:41,540
I keep track on Facebook and Twitter.
God, Gary is so lucky.

94
00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:43,348
- Man.
- Huh, that's weird.

95
00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:46,846
You know, I thought that you get
your period at the end of the month.

96
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:48,824
Men shouldn't be jealous
of other men getting married.

97
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,192
Men should be jealous of us.

98
00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:52,718
Oh, I strongly disagree.

99
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:54,822
Jesus, is this why you've been
Captain Negativo all night?

100
00:05:54,853 --> 00:05:56,992
'Cause that fat bastard
Gary Kless is getting married?

101
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,661
There was this guy
on Dr. Phil

102
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,170
who said that it's as likely
for a woman over 40

103
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,071
to be hit by lightning

104
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:06,406
or killed by a terrorist
than meet a husband.

105
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:07,843
What if the same thing goes for men?

106
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:12,440
What if Gary just got lucky and he made
a pact with God and/or Satan?

107
00:06:12,471 --> 00:06:13,745
You watch Dr. Phil?

108
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:17,310
I can't go to another
one of these weddings alone.

109
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:18,514
It's just too depressing.

110
00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:20,113
You're not gonna be going alone,
okay, man?

111
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:22,786
- You're gonna be going with me.
- That's not comforting.

112
00:06:22,814 --> 00:06:25,853
What is wrong with you?
Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers"?

113
00:06:25,884 --> 00:06:28,125
Come on, all those losers
in our class are married up.

114
00:06:28,153 --> 00:06:31,430
We're gonna be cleaning up bigger
than Owen Wilson and Vinnie Vaughn!

115
00:06:35,327 --> 00:06:36,932
Hot filly, 3:00.

116
00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:40,870
I forgot my compass.

117
00:06:40,899 --> 00:06:43,641
She's right over there.
Look, look at her, right over there.

118
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:46,615
Okay, that girl is 17, tops.

119
00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:49,245
So what?
It means she's single.

120
00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:50,617
You'd have sex
with an underage girl?

121
00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,850
I'm not a monster.
No.

122
00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:55,257
I'd take her out for cookies
and milkshakes until the day

123
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:56,783
she turned 13,
and then plow her.

124
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:59,524
Sorry I misjudged you.

125
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,098
I should have proposed
to Roz when we were together.

126
00:07:07,125 --> 00:07:08,661
You dated her in high school.

127
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:11,230
I had no idea there
were so few good ones after that.

128
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,367
Nobody tells you that.

129
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:14,843
It's like in hockey, you know,
when your team makes it to the finals

130
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,744
and loses, everybody says,
"Hey, you know, don't worry,

131
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,180
we'll get 'em next year," you know?

132
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:19,649
What if there is no next year?

133
00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:22,413
What if there's no other Roz
and I never make it

134
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,081
to the Stanley Cup Finals
of love ever again?

135
00:07:25,110 --> 00:07:26,954
Okay, if you hadn't mentioned
hockey there,

136
00:07:26,978 --> 00:07:28,355
that would have been
the gayest thing I've ever heard.

137
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:32,090
Come on, man.
Get your game face on, D-O-G.

138
00:07:32,117 --> 00:07:33,995
We got a wedding to crash.

139
00:07:34,019 --> 00:07:35,829
First of all, we were invited.

140
00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:37,834
Second of all,
all of our friends are married.

141
00:07:37,856 --> 00:07:39,130
There are no single women.

142
00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:40,865
- What about the...
- She's 17!

143
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:44,237
We don't know that for a fact!
Gee, would you... okay, you know what?

144
00:07:44,262 --> 00:07:48,507
Just... I'm... I'm going in, okay?
I'm going in.

145
00:07:52,838 --> 00:07:56,048
Please, God,
help me find my soul mate

146
00:07:56,074 --> 00:07:58,577
before I'm hit by a lightning
or killed by a terrorist.

147
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,695
Oh, hey, Kings won.

148
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,494
Attaboy, Kopitar.

149
00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:46,668
Oh, three goals and two assists.
You're on fire.

150
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:53,040
NHL.com has pop-up ads
for EHappily?

151
00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:55,807
What the hell?
They never have before.

152
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,866
You have no responses.

153
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:29,274
Yeah.

154
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,780
Hey, man.

155
00:09:30,802 --> 00:09:32,076
Hey, Jorge.

156
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:34,277
Just checking the hockey scores.
What's up?

157
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:38,015
Uh, I'm gonna need next Saturday off,
too. I'm getting married.

158
00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:39,648
What?

159
00:09:39,678 --> 00:09:41,885
Yeah, I know.
My mother, she's been on my case.

160
00:09:41,913 --> 00:09:44,154
"You're 27, you bum.
What are you waiting for?"

161
00:09:44,182 --> 00:09:45,821
27 really isn't that old.

162
00:09:45,850 --> 00:09:47,693
So can I have Saturday off
or what?

163
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,164
- No.
- What?

164
00:09:49,187 --> 00:09:51,190
Oh, I'm sorry.

165
00:09:51,222 --> 00:09:52,566
I meant, yes, of course.

166
00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:55,672
Of course.

167
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:56,764
Jorge?

168
00:09:57,929 --> 00:10:00,375
- Where did you meet her?
- Who?

169
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:02,309
Your bride, where did you meet her?

170
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:05,611
EHappily, man.
It's... surprisingly effective.

171
00:10:13,645 --> 00:10:15,523
You have one response.

172
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,498
You found your wife?

173
00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:25,467
Yeah, last night.

174
00:10:25,490 --> 00:10:27,629
You went cruising without me?

175
00:10:27,659 --> 00:10:31,267
We've never cruised,
and I didn't have to go anywhere.

176
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,537
Found her on my computer.

177
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,838
Oh. What porn site?

178
00:10:33,865 --> 00:10:37,904
It wasn't a porn...
EHappily, I joined last week.

179
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:39,075
What do you mean you joined it?

180
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,517
I don't think I was being cryptic.

181
00:10:41,539 --> 00:10:45,544
I joined EHappily last week
to meet my soul mate, and it worked.

182
00:10:47,145 --> 00:10:49,386
Poor, sweet, crazy bastard you.

183
00:10:49,414 --> 00:10:53,192
I have never been more sane.
This woman is perfect for me, perfect.

184
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:56,461
She loves all the same things I do...
hockey, cats,

185
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,969
Albert Brooks movies,
spooning after sex.

186
00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:00,402
All right, whatever.
What does she look like?

187
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:01,666
I don't know.

188
00:11:01,693 --> 00:11:03,673
Oh, and you should see the emails
that she wrote to me.

189
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:05,265
Funny, smart, sweet...

190
00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:07,277
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Just back up. Hold the phone.

191
00:11:07,298 --> 00:11:09,039
What do you mean you don't know
what she looks like?

192
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,479
She didn't post a picture
for some reason.

193
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:13,346
Well, that's a real puzzler.
It's 'cause she's a dude.

194
00:11:13,371 --> 00:11:16,216
She's a dude, Ricky.
Or she looks like a dude.

195
00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:17,447
No. That's...

196
00:11:17,475 --> 00:11:19,011
Listen, hoggy-dog,
there's only one reason

197
00:11:19,044 --> 00:11:20,388
that a woman
wouldn't post a picture.

198
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,484
It's 'cause, God bless her,
she's obviously hideous.

199
00:11:22,514 --> 00:11:24,357
No, there's a million reasons
that she might not post a picture.

200
00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:26,726
No, there's one. One.
She looks like Shrek.

201
00:11:26,751 --> 00:11:28,856
Oh, you know what?
And so what if she does?

202
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,731
Did you learn nothing from that movie?
It's what's inside that counts.

203
00:11:31,756 --> 00:11:34,760
Yeah, in fairytales, you idiot.
Not real life.

204
00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,933
Her name's Danita.
A beautiful name.

205
00:11:37,962 --> 00:11:40,067
I've never heard that name before.
Danita.

206
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:44,047
<i>You sure it isn't Dan... 'Ra?</i>

207
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:46,015
Like Dan... like that's her last...
like Dan Ita?

208
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,244
Can't you just be happy for me?

209
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,808
Come on, look,
you've never even met this person.

210
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,081
I am tomorrow night.

211
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,678
I'm meeting her
at the Black Cat for drinks.

212
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,748
Don't do this, okay?
Please, Ricky, don't do this.

213
00:11:53,778 --> 00:11:56,850
I have to, Seth.

214
00:11:56,881 --> 00:11:58,451
Danita's my destiny.

215
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:01,763
Okay.

216
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,626
Might wanna bring a condom
for Dan just in case.

217
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:06,966
Shut up.

218
00:12:19,871 --> 00:12:21,817
What the hell is that on your head?

219
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,013
What are you doing here?

220
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,488
I'm here for backup, dawg, you know,
in case the dude tries to rob you.

221
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:27,251
Will you please
stop calling her a dude?

222
00:12:27,278 --> 00:12:29,350
Why are you wearing shoe polish
on your head?

223
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:30,519
Bald is beautiful, baby.

224
00:12:30,548 --> 00:12:33,961
It's not shoe polish.
And bald is beautiful, not balding.

225
00:12:33,985 --> 00:12:37,297
True dat. True dat.
Okay, look, I'll be here at the bar.

226
00:12:37,322 --> 00:12:40,030
Now if she turns out...
see, I said "she" this time.

227
00:12:40,058 --> 00:12:42,163
If she turns out to be a psycho,
just wave or cough

228
00:12:42,193 --> 00:12:43,900
or something like that,
and I'll stroll by

229
00:12:43,928 --> 00:12:46,033
and I'll say that your mother died

230
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,375
and you're needed
at the cemetery, okay?

231
00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:50,346
I'm gonna go to the table.
Please leave.

232
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:51,472
Please?

233
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,745
Ricky, Ricky,
you're my primo amigo.

234
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,683
Come on, Ricky,
you've never met this woman before.

235
00:12:55,707 --> 00:12:57,812
I just wanna be here to make sure
everything goes okay.

236
00:12:57,842 --> 00:12:59,618
Thanks, man.

237
00:13:00,879 --> 00:13:02,018
Ricky? Ricky?

238
00:13:04,182 --> 00:13:07,687
You didn't... you didn't say that I'm...
that I'm your primo ami-

239
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,596
I just...
I just said that you're my pri...

240
00:13:11,256 --> 00:13:12,634
good luck, bitch.

241
00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:15,537
<i>I'</i>

242
00:13:48,226 --> 00:13:49,865
Ricky?

243
00:13:49,894 --> 00:13:51,703
Ricky Miller?

244
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,072
How do you know my name?

245
00:13:53,097 --> 00:13:55,100
I'm Danita, your date.

246
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:57,044
Holy shit!

247
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,916
Of... of course.
Of course, you're my date.

248
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:05,217
Yeah, unless you're expecting
somebody else,

249
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:08,191
and you're already cheating on me,
you bastard.

250
00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,091
No, no, I would never do that.

251
00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:13,357
Okay.
Sorry to have called you a bastard.

252
00:14:13,384 --> 00:14:15,296
It's... it's okay.

253
00:14:18,923 --> 00:14:21,563
You look a bit different
than your picture.

254
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,369
Ni... I mean, better.

255
00:14:23,394 --> 00:14:28,275
You too, much better,
since you didn't have one.

256
00:14:28,299 --> 00:14:30,404
I... I really look better
than my picture?

257
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,437
Yeah.

258
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:34,245
I knew it was a good idea
to use a picture of Steve Buscemi.

259
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,643
He's an offbeat-looking actor.

260
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,155
Oh, no, I know who he is.
Yeah, he was in "Fargo."

261
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:42,682
He was Mr. Pink in "Reservoir Dogs."

262
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,889
That was funny, Ricky.

263
00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:47,328
Steve Buscemi.

264
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,831
So are you gonna
ask me to sit down?

265
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:58,136
No, no, keep standing.
This seems to be working for me.

266
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:05,048
I can't believe one of your cats
is named Sidney Crosby.

267
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,982
I told you I love hockey,
field hockey and ice.

268
00:15:08,006 --> 00:15:09,714
Am I dreaming this?

269
00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:12,347
Oh, I hope not,
'cause then we'd both would be dreaming

270
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:15,153
and, well, then it would be like
that movie "Inception,"

271
00:15:15,179 --> 00:15:16,419
and I walked out of that.

272
00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:17,984
- I hated that movie, too.
- Really?

273
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,258
- Yeah.
- Wow, I thought I was the only one.

274
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:22,265
No, no, I... I hated it, too.

275
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:25,029
I hated it.

276
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:28,197
God, you know,
everything tonight has been so perfect.

277
00:15:28,226 --> 00:15:32,471
Could you jab me in the eye
with your spoon or set my arm on fire?

278
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:35,307
I just wanna make sure
that this is really happening.

279
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:38,280
How about I do this?

280
00:15:38,303 --> 00:15:39,647
Holy shit!

281
00:15:42,774 --> 00:15:45,278
Um, could you
excuse me for a second?

282
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,120
I'm just gonna...

283
00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:49,148
slip into something
more comfortable.

284
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:57,661
Go home.

285
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:02,264
Oh, she is like uber movie-star hottie.
Is she crazy or just retarded?

286
00:16:02,293 --> 00:16:03,398
Neither.
She just likes me.

287
00:16:03,428 --> 00:16:04,736
- No. No, no, no. No.
- Yeah.

288
00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:06,298
There has to be a reason.

289
00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:09,575
But are you positive she can see?
Like, out of both eyes?

290
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,342
Okay. lam begging you, go home.
You're ruining this.

291
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:15,215
Okay, okay, okay.
Look, just do me one favor, okay?

292
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,345
If... if she's retarded,

293
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:19,652
can you see if she has any other
retarded friends who look like her?

294
00:16:19,677 --> 00:16:21,157
Stop saying "retarded."
It's actually offensive.

295
00:16:21,179 --> 00:16:22,557
What, are we on "Oprah" here?

296
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:23,923
Bye. Good night.
Good night.

297
00:16:23,948 --> 00:16:25,427
It's very vexing, dawg.

298
00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:27,522
There's gotta be a reason.

299
00:16:27,552 --> 00:16:29,725
There's a reason.

300
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:34,765
I thought you were gonna slip
into something more comfortable.

301
00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:39,605
Yeah, yeah, but I looked in the mirror
and decided I was, uh, the bomb.

302
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:44,205
Also off the hook,
as the kids say.

303
00:16:44,235 --> 00:16:46,716
Do kids still say that?

304
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:49,618
Yeah, kids over 39.

305
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,917
You're funny.

306
00:16:51,943 --> 00:16:53,684
Funny how?
Like, what do you mean funny?

307
00:16:53,711 --> 00:16:55,191
Like, funny like a clown?

308
00:16:56,881 --> 00:16:57,985
Sorry.

309
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,259
Oh, my God.
Sorry, I'm just-I'm trying too hard.

310
00:17:01,285 --> 00:17:04,824
- I'm nervous.
- You're nervous with me?

311
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:07,463
Are you retarded?

312
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,667
I'm... I'm so... I'm sorry.

313
00:17:11,696 --> 00:17:15,405
It's just that you're...
you're gorgeous and amazing.

314
00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:17,174
Why the hell are you here?

315
00:17:17,201 --> 00:17:18,545
Excuse me?

316
00:17:18,569 --> 00:17:21,778
Why would you choose
someone like me?

317
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:26,653
I was just blown away
by your EHappily profile.

318
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:29,715
But I used my real picture,
and I wrote down my real job.

319
00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:32,125
Can we just go back
to your place now?

320
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,188
Yeah.

321
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:35,288
Uh, okay.

322
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:37,424
Good idea.

323
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:38,627
Thanks.

324
00:17:38,656 --> 00:17:41,536
Oh, that was amazing.

325
00:17:41,559 --> 00:17:47,202
I've never seen a man weep
and climax at the same time before.

326
00:17:47,231 --> 00:17:48,575
Thank you.

327
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:54,848
It's just I've been waiting my whole
life for somebody like you.

328
00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:57,443
Well, exactly like you.

329
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:58,886
Right.

330
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,116
No, I'm serious.

331
00:18:00,144 --> 00:18:04,218
You're... you're smart, and you're sweet,
and you're Maxim-cover beautiful,

332
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,660
and it's like you don't even know it.

333
00:18:05,683 --> 00:18:09,131
You love the hockey
and cats and Albert Brooks

334
00:18:09,153 --> 00:18:13,568
and you get my jokes
about obscure homely actors.

335
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,696
You're amazing, Danita.

336
00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:19,698
You're beyond amazing.
You're amazing-tastic.

337
00:18:19,730 --> 00:18:22,871
Well, you're not too bad yourself.

338
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:28,718
You asked me before why I chose you.
Do you still wanna know?

339
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:31,049
I'm... not sure.

340
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,521
You're the only one
who said yes to a date.

341
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,490
Yeah, right.

342
00:18:35,513 --> 00:18:37,857
Yeah.
I didn't post a picture, remember?

343
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:41,323
You're the only one
who wanted to go out with me

344
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:43,127
even though you didn't know
what I looked like.

345
00:18:43,154 --> 00:18:46,864
Wow, so all those sitcoms
and beer commercials are wrong?

346
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,894
It does pay to have depth?

347
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:54,104
Holy shit-balls, I have to go.

348
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,545
"Holy shit-balls."
I like that.

349
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,683
I would love to see you again.

350
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,479
I hope you wanna see me again, too.

351
00:19:07,512 --> 00:19:09,856
Yeah, I think I'm leaning
towards that, yeah.

352
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,792
I'm sorry.
I have to go.

353
00:19:13,751 --> 00:19:15,196
Say hi to your cats
when they wake up.

354
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,699
Say hi to yours.

355
00:19:16,721 --> 00:19:19,292
And put on ESPN and text me
when you know the hockey scores.

356
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:20,394
You're incredible.

357
00:19:26,597 --> 00:19:29,578
<i>I'</i>

358
00:19:31,269 --> 00:19:33,510
♪ Smile on my face ♪

359
00:19:33,538 --> 00:19:36,280
♪ Want to feel this way forever ♪

360
00:19:36,307 --> 00:19:39,221
♪ Just to be with you... ♪

361
00:19:41,012 --> 00:19:44,221
Wow.
Do you have Alzheimer's?

362
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:46,525
I have Love-Heimer's.

363
00:19:46,551 --> 00:19:50,227
♪ Feel this way forever ♪

364
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:53,498
♪ Oh, baby, it's true love ♪

365
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,471
♪ True love... ♪

366
00:19:56,728 --> 00:19:59,298
Why can't you single knock
like a normal person?

367
00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:02,607
Hey, you haven't returned
any of my calls or texts all day.

368
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:04,271
- What the heck happened?
- With what?

369
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:08,444
Now don't you be coy.
Come on, I need details, dawg.

370
00:20:08,472 --> 00:20:09,679
Don't make me beg.

371
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,881
Look, I never thought I'd be
living vicariously through you.

372
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:15,016
Last night was unbelievable.
No, no, it was better than that.

373
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,993
We stayed in bed and talked all night.
It was just like Dylan and Ashlee.

374
00:20:18,016 --> 00:20:19,961
Who the fuck are Dylan...
wait, hold on a sec.

375
00:20:23,087 --> 00:20:25,761
You slept with that piece of...
lady?

376
00:20:25,790 --> 00:20:28,795
- You slept with her?
- Yes, and it was great.

377
00:20:28,826 --> 00:20:32,273
And I'm not even talking about the sex,
although, holy crap, that was good.

378
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:36,336
Okay, okay.
What the hell is going on?

379
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:40,213
What the hell is going...
what's going on?

380
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,411
She's like a ten, right?

381
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,420
Well,
I don't assign women numbers.

382
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:46,183
No, she's... she's a ten.
That girl is a ten.

383
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:48,417
You're... no offense, Ricky,
you're like a four.

384
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:51,154
And you know, if you're a four,
she's like a 20.

385
00:20:51,182 --> 00:20:54,255
It's because I went out with her
without knowing what she looked like,

386
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:57,061
and because she thought the profile
I wrote was sweet and real.

387
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:03,330
You're so naive, it's adorable.

388
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,644
I'm sorry I couldn't
meet you for dinner.

389
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:15,015
Oh, no, no, lunch is fine.
I look better around noon anyway.

390
00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:17,680
Not... not even joking
about that, actually.

391
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,984
It is just that nights
aren't always great.

392
00:21:20,011 --> 00:21:21,319
It's when I paint.

393
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:23,451
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that is so cool.

394
00:21:23,481 --> 00:21:26,724
You know,
I've never actually dated an artist.

395
00:21:26,751 --> 00:21:31,097
There are actually a lot of professions
of which I have not dated a woman.

396
00:21:32,557 --> 00:21:33,900
Did I just say "of which?"

397
00:21:40,565 --> 00:21:42,510
Hey, ask first.

398
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:44,605
- I'm not a piece of meat.
- Yes, you are.

399
00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:49,117
You know, I really do think
that it's great that you're an artist.

400
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,518
I mean, what is that like?

401
00:21:50,541 --> 00:21:53,147
Um... I prefer to talk about your job.

402
00:21:53,177 --> 00:21:54,316
Why?

403
00:21:54,346 --> 00:21:55,950
I'm just sure it's interesting.

404
00:21:55,980 --> 00:22:00,259
You know, you manage staff
and try to make customers happy.

405
00:22:00,285 --> 00:22:03,857
No, it actually isn't at all.
You're gonna have to trust me on that.

406
00:22:03,888 --> 00:22:05,391
Then why do you do it?

407
00:22:05,423 --> 00:22:07,563
Well, I guess I prefer it
to being homeless.

408
00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:13,008
I... okay, I started out as a waiter
thinking I'd be an artist,

409
00:22:13,030 --> 00:22:16,342
well, a writer, but,
you know, it didn't work out.

410
00:22:16,367 --> 00:22:18,369
Why not?

411
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:22,714
Well, you know, the...
the book industry is just so corrupt.

412
00:22:22,740 --> 00:22:24,880
Ugh, it's all who you know.

413
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:28,550
I've never heard that before.

414
00:22:28,579 --> 00:22:29,923
Oh, yeah, yeah.

415
00:22:29,948 --> 00:22:34,760
It's like every son or daughter
of a famous author has a book deal.

416
00:22:34,786 --> 00:22:36,355
Like who?

417
00:22:36,387 --> 00:22:39,892
Um, there's... there's...

418
00:22:39,924 --> 00:22:44,999
there's, um...
Mark Hemingway,

419
00:22:45,029 --> 00:22:49,637
and... and there's...
there's Kevin Grisham.

420
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:54,679
Yeah, yeah, I made those up.
I'm sorry.

421
00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:57,846
Okay, the truth is
that I only wrote one book

422
00:22:57,875 --> 00:22:59,445
and I didn't even finish it.

423
00:22:59,478 --> 00:23:01,890
You don't have to talk
about this if you don't want.

424
00:23:01,913 --> 00:23:03,789
Thank you so much.

425
00:23:06,585 --> 00:23:08,326
You know, actually,

426
00:23:08,353 --> 00:23:12,232
I do feel comfortable talking to you
about my writing.

427
00:23:12,257 --> 00:23:14,634
Or non-writing.

428
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:18,435
Um... I feel like
I could tell you anything.

429
00:23:20,598 --> 00:23:23,943
God, sorry, that's a stupid thing
to say on the second date.

430
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:26,244
No, no, no,
I thought it was sweet.

431
00:23:26,270 --> 00:23:28,682
- A little pathetic, but sweet.
- Yeah.

432
00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:31,118
No, seriously, I loved it.

433
00:23:31,143 --> 00:23:33,749
See?

434
00:23:33,778 --> 00:23:36,088
You really are the perfect woman.

435
00:23:36,114 --> 00:23:38,025
Oh, I don't know about that.

436
00:23:38,048 --> 00:23:40,188
Yeah, you are.
You are.

437
00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:41,526
Trust me.

438
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:52,904
♪ All alone ♪

439
00:23:54,365 --> 00:23:55,742
♪ Don't wanna be... ♪

440
00:24:07,378 --> 00:24:10,553
Hey, Saturday night.

441
00:24:10,582 --> 00:24:12,084
We're gonna do it.

442
00:24:12,116 --> 00:24:13,993
We are gonna do it.

443
00:24:14,019 --> 00:24:16,431
Come on, time to get paid
and laid, Ricky.

444
00:24:16,454 --> 00:24:18,195
Paid and...

445
00:24:18,222 --> 00:24:21,170
come on, hog,
it's been almost nine days.

446
00:24:21,192 --> 00:24:22,830
I can't believe
you're not over this chick yet.

447
00:24:22,861 --> 00:24:24,134
Ten days.

448
00:24:24,162 --> 00:24:26,300
It's been ten days.

449
00:24:26,330 --> 00:24:30,746
And stop saying "paid and laid."
It doesn't mean anything!

450
00:24:31,736 --> 00:24:33,078
Yes, it does.

451
00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:34,583
No, it doesn't.
No, it doesn't.

452
00:24:34,605 --> 00:24:37,382
Is somebody gonna
pay us for sex, huh, huh?

453
00:24:37,409 --> 00:24:39,183
What the fuck
does it mean, cowboy?

454
00:24:41,779 --> 00:24:43,623
I dunno, it's just...

455
00:24:43,647 --> 00:24:46,527
something I say
to keep things light and airy.

456
00:24:46,550 --> 00:24:48,258
Did you just call me "cowboy," Ricky?

457
00:24:48,286 --> 00:24:50,163
Rick... Rick, are you drunk?

458
00:24:50,188 --> 00:24:51,427
Yes, I believe so.

459
00:24:51,455 --> 00:24:52,627
Hey, you don't drink.

460
00:24:52,656 --> 00:24:55,228
I do now, hog.
I do now.

461
00:24:55,259 --> 00:24:58,537
I still don't know
what the hell happened.

462
00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:03,034
I was-the perfect woman
pops into my life,

463
00:25:03,067 --> 00:25:07,346
I tell her she's perfect,
and she runs away faster than, um...

464
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,509
who's a fast woman?
Flo-Jo!

465
00:25:13,111 --> 00:25:14,419
Oh, shit, she's dead, isn't she?

466
00:25:14,445 --> 00:25:15,948
I'm gonna make you
some coffee, man.

467
00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:18,790
No, I don't want coffee!
I want Danita!

468
00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:22,162
Oh, I finally meta woman
who makes me feel that...

469
00:25:22,186 --> 00:25:26,795
that magical thing
that assholes brag about at parties.

470
00:25:28,292 --> 00:25:31,398
Please, God,
don't take her away from me,

471
00:25:32,396 --> 00:25:34,604
not after I've waited for so long.

472
00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:37,113
You're out of coffee.
Swiss Miss?

473
00:25:45,042 --> 00:25:46,521
It's Danita.

474
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:47,546
What?

475
00:25:47,578 --> 00:25:49,786
It's Danita.

476
00:25:53,718 --> 00:25:55,253
That's twice, God.

477
00:25:55,287 --> 00:25:58,055
Shit, you're good.

478
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:01,996
Hey.

479
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:05,803
Hi.

480
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,310
You're not gonna
run out again, are you?

481
00:26:10,335 --> 00:26:12,336
Because this time,
I'll just order an appetizer.

482
00:26:12,369 --> 00:26:13,712
I'm so sorry.

483
00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:14,875
Oh, no, no, it's okay.

484
00:26:14,905 --> 00:26:17,385
I was just trying to diffuse
an awkward moment.

485
00:26:21,145 --> 00:26:24,093
Now I'm gonna
try to diffuse this one.

486
00:26:24,115 --> 00:26:27,756
I like you, Ricky. I really like you.
I really, really, really like you.

487
00:26:27,786 --> 00:26:30,460
And that is the most reallys
I've ever said in one sentence.

488
00:26:30,488 --> 00:26:32,125
- But...
- Really? Me too.

489
00:26:32,156 --> 00:26:34,865
It's funny because
I always hated those movies

490
00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:37,463
where the couple
falls in love right away,

491
00:26:37,494 --> 00:26:40,476
but now I know that it just pissed me
off because it never happened to me.

492
00:26:40,498 --> 00:26:41,532
I'm married.

493
00:26:45,737 --> 00:26:48,148
You said I was perfect, Ricky.
I'm not perfect.

494
00:26:48,173 --> 00:26:50,153
I'm a... I'm a jerk.

495
00:26:50,174 --> 00:26:51,711
Yeah...

496
00:26:51,742 --> 00:26:53,483
No, I know it was wrong.
I know.

497
00:26:53,510 --> 00:26:56,890
Look, I've been married nine years,
nine miserable years,

498
00:26:56,914 --> 00:26:59,724
and just one day,
I was at my friend Anna's place.

499
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:02,560
She's on EHappily,
and I saw your profile,

500
00:27:02,586 --> 00:27:03,894
and it was so vulnerable.

501
00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:06,060
So wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve
sweet.

502
00:27:06,090 --> 00:27:10,130
You said you've been waiting
all your life to meet your heart-ner,

503
00:27:10,161 --> 00:27:14,371
and what a sweet word,
that even though you were born agnostic,

504
00:27:14,398 --> 00:27:16,538
you prayed to God
that she was still out there.

505
00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:19,105
Wow.

506
00:27:19,136 --> 00:27:21,083
You really did read my profile.

507
00:27:21,105 --> 00:27:22,846
It got to me.

508
00:27:22,874 --> 00:27:26,515
And I thought, no,
maybe I don't have to be miserable.

509
00:27:26,544 --> 00:27:30,013
And I just joined
so I could meet you.

510
00:27:31,849 --> 00:27:36,959
I just pretended
to be single and an artist.

511
00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:41,459
I just pretended to be the person
I used to be back when I was...

512
00:27:41,492 --> 00:27:42,664
still alive and...

513
00:27:46,297 --> 00:27:47,605
Do you really have cats?

514
00:27:47,632 --> 00:27:51,443
Yes. Two.

515
00:27:51,469 --> 00:27:53,971
Sidney Crosby
and Chairman Meow.

516
00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:56,144
Cool.
That's all I cared about.

517
00:27:56,173 --> 00:27:58,983
Now can you just get a divorce
and marry me by 6:00 tonight?

518
00:27:59,009 --> 00:28:01,615
You're great.
You're so great, you know that?

519
00:28:01,645 --> 00:28:04,148
I can never see you again, Ricky.

520
00:28:06,785 --> 00:28:08,491
Look, you don't
know my husband.

521
00:28:08,519 --> 00:28:11,625
He'll just...
he'll never allow me to leave him,

522
00:28:11,655 --> 00:28:14,761
never allow a great man
like him to be embarrassed.

523
00:28:14,792 --> 00:28:17,636
Who cares
if his precious ego is bruised?

524
00:28:17,662 --> 00:28:19,663
You are miserable,
and we should be together.

525
00:28:19,698 --> 00:28:20,732
He'd kill me.

526
00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:26,573
He would kill me.
He said that again and again.

527
00:28:26,604 --> 00:28:30,381
"If you ever walk out that door,
you ungrateful bitch, I will kill you."

528
00:28:30,407 --> 00:28:32,080
Only he didn't say it quite as nice.

529
00:28:33,310 --> 00:28:35,722
- Jesus.
- Yeah, he's a bad guy, Ricky.

530
00:28:35,747 --> 00:28:37,020
He's a bad guy.

531
00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:41,019
I didn't know that when I met him,
but, God...

532
00:28:41,051 --> 00:28:43,430
he'd kill both of us right now
if he saw us together.

533
00:28:44,955 --> 00:28:47,492
That's interesting.

534
00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:49,334
I'm sorry.

535
00:28:49,359 --> 00:28:51,067
I'm sorry, Ricky.

536
00:28:51,096 --> 00:28:55,670
You're... you're the one,
and I can never see you again.

537
00:29:12,851 --> 00:29:15,525
My hickory grilled chicken sandwich
isn't hickory enough.

538
00:29:15,553 --> 00:29:18,089
Huh?

539
00:29:18,123 --> 00:29:21,969
Am I not speaking English?
I said it lacked hickory.

540
00:29:21,992 --> 00:29:26,305
Well... that's life.

541
00:29:26,330 --> 00:29:27,434
Huh?

542
00:29:27,464 --> 00:29:30,673
I'm sorry... sir.

543
00:29:30,701 --> 00:29:35,708
You, uh, wanted more of something,
and you're disappointed.

544
00:29:35,740 --> 00:29:37,309
Hurts, doesn't it?

545
00:29:37,342 --> 00:29:39,219
That's a little melodramatic.

546
00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:43,522
Hello?

547
00:29:43,548 --> 00:29:46,357
Oh, yeah, holy shit-balls.

548
00:29:47,652 --> 00:29:50,132
Yes. Yeah, yeah.

549
00:29:50,154 --> 00:29:52,760
I will meet you anywhere.

550
00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:54,167
Where?

551
00:29:54,192 --> 00:29:58,230
<i>.' Ohh .'</i>

552
00:29:58,262 --> 00:30:01,005
♪ I'm here forever ♪

553
00:30:01,031 --> 00:30:06,811
♪ I'm not going nowhere,
ohh... ♪

554
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:10,218
God, is it good to see you.

555
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,346
I wanted to meet you here.

556
00:30:12,376 --> 00:30:15,085
This is my happy place.

557
00:30:17,714 --> 00:30:19,217
I knew you'd love it, too.

558
00:30:20,751 --> 00:30:23,231
They show movies
up on that wall,

559
00:30:23,253 --> 00:30:26,791
over the graves
of dead movie stars.

560
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:28,167
They don't mind?

561
00:30:28,192 --> 00:30:29,797
No one's said anything.

562
00:30:31,095 --> 00:30:34,906
Guess what movie
they're playing tonight, Ricky.

563
00:30:34,932 --> 00:30:36,741
- Um, I...
- Guess.

564
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:38,941
Uh...

565
00:30:38,970 --> 00:30:41,916
"Cool Runnings"?

566
00:30:41,940 --> 00:30:43,942
I'm really bad at guessing.

567
00:30:45,476 --> 00:30:47,422
"Lost in America."

568
00:30:47,444 --> 00:30:48,890
That's my favorite movie.

569
00:30:50,748 --> 00:30:53,422
OMG, you read my whole profile.

570
00:30:54,719 --> 00:30:56,824
<i>I'</i>

571
00:30:58,856 --> 00:31:00,564
Tonight was great.

572
00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:02,037
I'm so happy you called.

573
00:31:02,059 --> 00:31:04,768
Beyond happy.
I'm exultant.

574
00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:07,276
I don't think I've ever
used that word before.

575
00:31:07,298 --> 00:31:11,211
I couldn't stop thinking about you.

576
00:31:11,236 --> 00:31:13,215
I can't go back
to my old life now.

577
00:31:13,238 --> 00:31:16,480
I deserve to be happy.
I..

578
00:31:16,507 --> 00:31:17,780
I deserve someone like you.

579
00:31:17,808 --> 00:31:19,288
Damn right you do.

580
00:31:19,309 --> 00:31:22,257
So when are you gonna tell your husband
you're gonna leave him?

581
00:31:22,279 --> 00:31:24,156
Christ, how are you gonna tell him
you're gonna leave him?

582
00:31:24,182 --> 00:31:25,387
I'm not gonna tell him.

583
00:31:25,415 --> 00:31:27,656
Um, but...

584
00:31:27,684 --> 00:31:29,425
We have to kill him, Ricky.

585
00:31:31,422 --> 00:31:33,423
That's the only way
we can ever be together.

586
00:31:36,527 --> 00:31:38,427
Yeah, okay.

587
00:31:44,469 --> 00:31:46,348
- Danita wants me to kill her husband.
- Pardon?

588
00:31:46,371 --> 00:31:48,817
She said that if she
ever tried to leave him,

589
00:31:48,839 --> 00:31:50,842
he would find her and kill her.

590
00:31:50,875 --> 00:31:52,319
Wow, what an asshole.

591
00:31:54,311 --> 00:31:56,484
Well, at least you got a chance
to say good-bye to her, huh?

592
00:31:56,513 --> 00:31:58,460
- No, no, I'm gonna do it.
- Do what?

593
00:31:58,482 --> 00:32:00,053
Kill her husband.

594
00:32:05,656 --> 00:32:07,067
Uh, Ricky...

595
00:32:09,059 --> 00:32:11,199
you've never even
killed a spider.

596
00:32:11,229 --> 00:32:12,549
Oh, it doesn't
have to be violent.

597
00:32:12,563 --> 00:32:15,442
You know, I could kill him with pills
or a lethal injection or something.

598
00:32:15,465 --> 00:32:18,446
Lethal... lethal injection?
And you have access to lethal injection?

599
00:32:18,469 --> 00:32:19,538
You know, I'm sorry,
I can't even believe

600
00:32:19,569 --> 00:32:21,208
we're having
this discussion right now.

601
00:32:21,239 --> 00:32:24,152
Hey, O.J., how about this?
Have you thought about this?

602
00:32:24,174 --> 00:32:26,347
- What if you get caught?
- So what?

603
00:32:26,376 --> 00:32:28,788
So what?
So what?

604
00:32:28,813 --> 00:32:30,986
I'm lonely,
and I work at a place called Debby's.

605
00:32:31,015 --> 00:32:33,153
What exactly
am I clinging onto here?

606
00:32:33,183 --> 00:32:35,493
Ricky, sit down.
Have a seat.

607
00:32:35,519 --> 00:32:37,760
Sit.

608
00:32:37,788 --> 00:32:40,633
I want you to take six deep breaths
in and out,

609
00:32:40,657 --> 00:32:42,068
and go to the bathroom
and take a leak.

610
00:32:42,093 --> 00:32:43,595
- What'll that do?
- I don't know,

611
00:32:43,627 --> 00:32:45,300
- but you're talking crazy right now.
- I'm not.

612
00:32:45,329 --> 00:32:47,037
I've never met anyone like Danita.

613
00:32:47,065 --> 00:32:49,340
And I'll never meet anyone
like Danita again.

614
00:32:49,366 --> 00:32:51,175
To think anything else would be crazy.

615
00:32:51,201 --> 00:32:55,048
Okay, Ricky, Ricky, she's married,
and she wants you to kill her husband.

616
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:57,211
I know,
but everything else is perfect.

617
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:01,451
Look, when you meet your soul mate
and you're in your 40s,

618
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:03,048
not everything's gonna be ideal.

619
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:04,184
There's always gonna be baggage.

620
00:33:04,214 --> 00:33:06,251
This is more than baggage,
all right?!

621
00:33:06,284 --> 00:33:09,321
Sorry, I made my mind up.
I'm gonna kill this mofo.

622
00:33:09,354 --> 00:33:10,958
Ricky, look, I want you
to do me a favor, okay?

623
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:12,593
I want you to go home
and sleep on it, okay?

624
00:33:12,623 --> 00:33:13,828
Just, just sleep on it.

625
00:33:13,857 --> 00:33:15,303
We'll talk about it tomorrow night
over doughnuts.

626
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:16,702
There's nothing to sleep on.

627
00:33:16,728 --> 00:33:18,969
Besides, I'm not gonna let that angel
be held prisoner

628
00:33:18,997 --> 00:33:20,339
in that monster"; home anymore.

629
00:33:20,365 --> 00:33:22,709
I'm gonna do it
with or without your help.

630
00:33:22,733 --> 00:33:25,112
My help?
What the hell's that supposed to mean?

631
00:33:25,135 --> 00:33:26,536
What do you mean by that,
"my help"?

632
00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:28,413
Well, I just,
I just figured you would help me

633
00:33:28,439 --> 00:33:30,577
since, you know...

634
00:33:30,607 --> 00:33:32,348
you're my primo amigo, too.

635
00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:43,900
Okay, dawg, I'm in,
but you're gonna owe me big.

636
00:33:45,556 --> 00:33:48,332
Thanks for opening up my world.

637
00:33:48,358 --> 00:33:50,066
I've never been to a juice bar before.

638
00:33:50,094 --> 00:33:52,199
You sure it was okay to leave work?

639
00:33:52,230 --> 00:33:54,106
I'm the manager.

640
00:33:54,132 --> 00:33:57,306
I have a lot of clout,
but I try not to let it go to my head.

641
00:33:57,335 --> 00:33:58,540
I thought we should talk now.

642
00:33:58,568 --> 00:34:00,445
- Ben's at work and...
- Ben?

643
00:34:00,471 --> 00:34:01,950
My husband.

644
00:34:01,972 --> 00:34:06,115
Oh, you've never
actually said his name before.

645
00:34:07,511 --> 00:34:08,581
Are you okay?

646
00:34:08,612 --> 00:34:10,422
Yeah, yeah, of course.

647
00:34:10,447 --> 00:34:12,688
You don't have to do this.

648
00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:15,561
No, no, it was just-it was easier
when you didn't have a name,

649
00:34:15,585 --> 00:34:18,590
when it was just your evil husband
who "will kill me if I ever leave."

650
00:34:18,623 --> 00:34:20,068
I don't want you to do this.

651
00:34:20,090 --> 00:34:22,001
I can't believe
I even asked you to do this.

652
00:34:22,025 --> 00:34:24,425
It's just I needed to get away
from him and be with you and...

653
00:34:24,429 --> 00:34:26,568
It's okay, sweetheart.
Please don't be upset.

654
00:34:26,597 --> 00:34:27,974
I still wanna kill him.

655
00:34:27,998 --> 00:34:29,807
- Really?
- Yes, very much.

656
00:34:29,833 --> 00:34:31,972
Oh, I love you.

657
00:34:32,003 --> 00:34:33,949
- I love you more.
- I love you more.

658
00:34:33,971 --> 00:34:37,144
I love you more plus six.

659
00:34:49,887 --> 00:34:51,889
You knocked like a human being.

660
00:34:51,922 --> 00:34:53,231
Is anything wrong?

661
00:34:53,257 --> 00:34:55,567
There's something
you need to see, man.

662
00:34:55,592 --> 00:34:58,130
Something
you need to see right now.

663
00:34:58,161 --> 00:35:00,005
What's that?

664
00:35:00,030 --> 00:35:03,034
It's an old movie with William Hurt
and Kathleen Turner,

665
00:35:03,067 --> 00:35:04,637
you know...

666
00:35:04,668 --> 00:35:06,807
back when she
used to look like a chick.

667
00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:08,943
Yeah, I know, it's "Body Heat."

668
00:35:08,972 --> 00:35:10,474
- "Body Heat."
- Yeah.

669
00:35:10,507 --> 00:35:14,650
I saw that movie with you, remember?
When neither of us could get dates?

670
00:35:14,679 --> 00:35:16,750
It's time to watch it again, baby.

671
00:35:32,829 --> 00:35:34,900
Wow. Wow.

672
00:35:34,931 --> 00:35:37,036
That really holds up.

673
00:35:37,068 --> 00:35:39,844
You know, lots of twists,
and it's compelling.

674
00:35:39,871 --> 00:35:41,349
It's well-written-

675
00:35:41,371 --> 00:35:43,248
Okay, thank you, Rex Reed.

676
00:35:43,273 --> 00:35:47,847
She pretended to fall in love with a guy
so he would kill her husband

677
00:35:47,878 --> 00:35:50,951
who she said was a bad guy,
but I actually thought was quite nice

678
00:35:50,981 --> 00:35:53,552
as played by Richard Crenna,
and then she set him up for the murder!

679
00:35:53,583 --> 00:35:55,257
Look, I trust Danita, okay?

680
00:35:55,286 --> 00:35:57,731
William Hurt
trusted Katherine Turner!

681
00:35:57,755 --> 00:35:59,324
Well, he shouldn't have.

682
00:35:59,356 --> 00:36:02,235
I mean, she was being all crude
and mysterious from the first second,

683
00:36:02,260 --> 00:36:04,467
and there was
all that saxophone music.

684
00:36:04,494 --> 00:36:07,442
Okay. Come on, man.
You're not the least bit dubious, dawg?

685
00:36:07,465 --> 00:36:10,878
Some ten just rolls into your life
and then tells you all this crazy shit

686
00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:13,347
about her evil, jealous husband?!

687
00:36:13,371 --> 00:36:15,282
But then, wait a minute,
look at that,

688
00:36:15,306 --> 00:36:18,027
she has a bunch of time to hang out
with you, so that's pretty weird.

689
00:36:18,041 --> 00:36:21,784
Well, you know, he obviously works,
and she sneaks out during the day.

690
00:36:21,811 --> 00:36:23,621
Oh, okay.
But wait, hold on a second.

691
00:36:23,648 --> 00:36:26,423
Did you guys...
you guys went on a date, right?

692
00:36:26,449 --> 00:36:30,090
That was at night, so-
and then... oh, you slept together,

693
00:36:30,121 --> 00:36:31,759
which that happens at nighttime.

694
00:36:31,789 --> 00:36:33,893
So I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about right now.

695
00:36:33,925 --> 00:36:36,871
Well, well, maybe...
maybe he was working at night

696
00:36:36,893 --> 00:36:42,309
or he was out of town
or... he went to sleep earl...

697
00:36:42,333 --> 00:36:44,403
You just can't stand
to see me happy, can you?

698
00:36:44,434 --> 00:36:47,313
No, Ricky, I do not trust this woman.

699
00:36:47,338 --> 00:36:49,545
Ah! Ah!
Okay, you don't trust any woman.

700
00:36:49,574 --> 00:36:52,315
No, no, no, no,
no, I don't trust some woman

701
00:36:52,342 --> 00:36:54,253
who wants you to kill her husband!

702
00:36:54,277 --> 00:36:58,987
I trust her completely
and lam not gonna let your negativity

703
00:36:59,016 --> 00:37:01,552
creep into my mind
like a Trojan horse virus.

704
00:37:02,686 --> 00:37:05,496
That's a really bad computer virus
I once got in my laptop.

705
00:37:05,523 --> 00:37:06,762
You hear me?

706
00:37:10,894 --> 00:37:12,067
I gotta talk to you.

707
00:37:12,096 --> 00:37:13,199
I'm working.

708
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:15,677
You came to my office.
During tax season.

709
00:37:15,699 --> 00:37:17,007
It's the lunch rush,
for God's sake.

710
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:19,570
Look, I followed Danita
after you met her.

711
00:37:19,603 --> 00:37:21,981
I went to her house.

712
00:37:22,005 --> 00:37:24,179
- I saw her husband.
- Yeah?

713
00:37:24,208 --> 00:37:25,550
He's a rabbi.

714
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:28,117
What?

715
00:37:28,144 --> 00:37:31,387
Her monster husband Ben
is a rabbi.

716
00:37:37,954 --> 00:37:39,865
How the hell
do you know he's a rabbi?

717
00:37:39,889 --> 00:37:43,360
Well, he was wearing
one of those Jewish hats, the Yamaha.

718
00:37:43,393 --> 00:37:46,670
He's wearing a yarmulke.
That's how you know he's a rabbi?

719
00:37:46,697 --> 00:37:48,403
Okay, don't talk down to me, hog.

720
00:37:48,431 --> 00:37:50,742
I'm not an idiot.
I know what I'm doing.

721
00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:52,873
I followed him to a bookstore.

722
00:37:52,902 --> 00:37:55,041
You're starting to lose me here.

723
00:37:55,072 --> 00:37:56,675
You didn't let me finish.

724
00:37:56,706 --> 00:37:58,481
I followed him to a bookstore.

725
00:37:58,509 --> 00:38:00,510
He used to be a rabbi.

726
00:38:00,543 --> 00:38:03,990
Now he writes mystery novels
about a crime-solving rabbi.

727
00:38:04,014 --> 00:38:05,358
He was doing a book signing.

728
00:38:05,382 --> 00:38:09,456
Her evil husband is
a mystery-novel-writing former rabbi?

729
00:38:09,487 --> 00:38:13,161
Mm-hmm, I even read
one of his books in one sitting.

730
00:38:13,190 --> 00:38:14,498
Could not put it down.

731
00:38:14,525 --> 00:38:19,065
I can't believe a retired rabbi
has gotten published and I...

732
00:38:19,096 --> 00:38:21,007
look, this doesn't change anything,
you know?

733
00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:22,739
He could still be a monster.

734
00:38:22,766 --> 00:38:25,543
You know,
authors can be egotistical pricks,

735
00:38:25,568 --> 00:38:28,708
and a lot of clergymen
are evil molesters.

736
00:38:28,739 --> 00:38:30,047
Well, no, hold on a second.
No, no, no.

737
00:38:30,074 --> 00:38:32,884
There aren't any molesting rabbis.
Only priests do that.

738
00:38:32,909 --> 00:38:36,289
Yeah, yeah, you know,
maybe this all makes sense now.

739
00:38:36,313 --> 00:38:39,021
Yeah, she said that he was
this great man, you know,

740
00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:41,052
who wouldn't allow her
to embarrass him,

741
00:38:41,085 --> 00:38:46,000
and now we see that he's this...
published author,

742
00:38:46,023 --> 00:38:48,434
this evil monstrous,

743
00:38:48,458 --> 00:38:52,601
wife-threatening
published author.

744
00:38:52,630 --> 00:38:56,942
Or... or he's just a nice guy,
like Richie Crenna in "Body Heat,"

745
00:38:56,967 --> 00:39:00,505
just a nice loaded guy
who she wants you to kill

746
00:39:00,538 --> 00:39:02,016
so she can take all his money

747
00:39:02,039 --> 00:39:04,177
and make you take the rap, Ricky.

748
00:39:16,019 --> 00:39:17,657
This is stupid.

749
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:20,532
No, it isn't, okay?
We have to know this guy isn't Hitler.

750
00:39:20,557 --> 00:39:22,231
We can tell he's Hitler
from a book signing?

751
00:39:22,259 --> 00:39:24,864
Lean. I can read people.
I'm an accountant.

752
00:39:24,894 --> 00:39:27,398
You know, it's probably
not a good idea for you to be here.

753
00:39:27,431 --> 00:39:30,139
He can't see you in that
you're the guy pulling the trigger.

754
00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:32,373
I haven't decided
I'm gonna shoot him.

755
00:39:32,402 --> 00:39:34,713
Shoot him, poison him, trip him,
whatever you wanna do.

756
00:39:34,739 --> 00:39:36,809
- Trip him?
- I don't know, down a flight of stairs.

757
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:39,344
You can't talk about this in public.
What are you doing?

758
00:39:39,376 --> 00:39:41,050
- Ricky, what are you doing?
- You're right. Right.

759
00:39:41,077 --> 00:39:42,215
Good call. Good call.

760
00:39:51,454 --> 00:39:53,492
Thank you.

761
00:39:53,523 --> 00:39:54,764
Hey, Mr. Jacobs.

762
00:39:54,791 --> 00:39:57,068
Oh, please, call me Ben.

763
00:39:57,094 --> 00:39:58,596
Hmm.

764
00:39:58,628 --> 00:40:00,005
Okay, Ben.

765
00:40:00,030 --> 00:40:01,737
Yeah,
any fan of mine is also a friend.

766
00:40:01,766 --> 00:40:04,371
That's really a cool way
of looking at things.

767
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:07,177
Well, seriously, I wouldn't
be anywhere without my loyal readers.

768
00:40:07,204 --> 00:40:10,083
Right, right.
Yeah, I guess... I guess you wouldn't.

769
00:40:15,612 --> 00:40:17,523
Do you think it's okay
to kill a woman if she leaves you?

770
00:40:17,547 --> 00:40:20,085
What? No.

771
00:40:20,117 --> 00:40:22,097
- No. No.
- Why would you ask such a question?

772
00:40:22,119 --> 00:40:24,030
I don't know, just making small talk.
Would you sign this?

773
00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:26,090
- Please make it out to Seth.
- Yeah.

774
00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:30,768
There you go, man.

775
00:40:30,795 --> 00:40:32,034
Bye, Ben.

776
00:40:32,061 --> 00:40:33,632
We still don't know he's not Hitler.

777
00:40:33,664 --> 00:40:35,974
Hitler doesn't sign books
with a smiley face.

778
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,945
Well,
what do you expect him to do?

779
00:40:37,967 --> 00:40:41,278
I mean, foam at the mouth
and rotate his head 360 degrees?

780
00:40:41,304 --> 00:40:43,148
No, but when I asked him
if it's okay for a man

781
00:40:43,173 --> 00:40:46,416
to kill a woman if she's left him,
he said he was against it. so...

782
00:40:46,443 --> 00:40:47,945
He's obviously not gonna admit
that he's okay with...

783
00:40:47,978 --> 00:40:50,288
Okay, all right, look, Ricky,
she's already lied to you once.

784
00:40:50,313 --> 00:40:51,724
How do you know
she's not lying about this, too?

785
00:40:51,748 --> 00:40:53,193
I don't think she'd lie to me twice.

786
00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:59,461
If... if I could just
see them together...

787
00:40:59,489 --> 00:41:00,594
I'd know.

788
00:41:00,623 --> 00:41:02,900
You see?
Now that's a good idea.

789
00:41:02,927 --> 00:41:04,235
We'll just plant
the camera in her house.

790
00:41:04,260 --> 00:41:06,172
- You know how to do that?
- No, I do not.

791
00:41:06,197 --> 00:41:08,768
But, you know, I saw this show
once where they setup a nanny cam.

792
00:41:08,798 --> 00:41:10,972
Oh, my God, the bitch
was shaking the baby, stealing money.

793
00:41:11,001 --> 00:41:12,172
It was a complete disaster.

794
00:41:12,202 --> 00:41:13,806
We just break into her house
and set one up.

795
00:41:13,838 --> 00:41:15,875
You know how
to break into somebody's home?

796
00:41:17,340 --> 00:41:19,684
You know,
it's easy to piss on every plan.

797
00:41:24,715 --> 00:41:25,784
<i>I'm sorry?</i>

798
00:41:25,815 --> 00:41:27,021
Thank you.

799
00:41:27,050 --> 00:41:28,155
You sure they come here?

800
00:41:28,184 --> 00:41:30,289
Positive.
I went on benjacobs.com.

801
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,391
It says he brings his wife here
for dinner every Saturday night.

802
00:41:32,422 --> 00:41:34,231
That guy's a millionaire
and he takes her to Olive Garden?

803
00:41:34,257 --> 00:41:36,101
We should kill him just for that.

804
00:41:36,126 --> 00:41:38,503
This ain't Olive Garden, hog.
It's Pimento Garden.

805
00:41:38,528 --> 00:41:40,166
- How do they getaway with that?
- I don't know.

806
00:41:40,197 --> 00:41:42,643
Okay, great.
Looks like they're not here yet.

807
00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:44,577
- You remember the plan, right?
-  Plan.

808
00:41:44,601 --> 00:41:46,411
We hide our faces in menus
and spy on them.

809
00:41:46,436 --> 00:41:48,074
- It's not really a plan.
- It's a great plan, okay?

810
00:41:48,105 --> 00:41:50,050
You can make anything sound ridiculous
by short-handing it.

811
00:41:50,074 --> 00:41:51,780
- Let's just go.
- No, no, no, no way, amigo.

812
00:41:51,809 --> 00:41:54,516
Look, we gotta make sure that she's not
a femme fatal like Kathleen Turner.

813
00:41:54,545 --> 00:41:57,025
It's "femme fatale,"
and she's not like Kathleen Turner.

814
00:41:57,047 --> 00:41:59,186
Whatever. Sharon Stone,
Denise Richards, whatever you want.

815
00:41:59,215 --> 00:42:00,523
- Denise Richards?
- Yeah, in "Wild Things."

816
00:42:00,550 --> 00:42:02,461
- I don't remember that movie.
- You never saw "Wild Things"?

817
00:42:02,485 --> 00:42:03,521
- I don't remember.
- Oh, my goodness.

818
00:42:03,554 --> 00:42:05,192
It's her and Neve Campbell
making out in a pool.

819
00:42:05,222 --> 00:42:09,101
- It was a classic.
- Hey, how are you?

820
00:42:09,126 --> 00:42:11,163
Hi.
It's Seth, right?

821
00:42:11,195 --> 00:42:12,764
- Yeah, Seth.
- Yeah.

822
00:42:12,795 --> 00:42:14,969
Honey, this guy
just came to a book signing.

823
00:42:14,998 --> 00:42:17,809
I never forget the face of a fan.
How you doing?

824
00:42:17,835 --> 00:42:21,476
Wow. I can't believe a big-time author
like you eats here, too.

825
00:42:21,505 --> 00:42:24,315
That's a... what a coincidence.
What a small world.

826
00:42:24,340 --> 00:42:26,411
It's... it's a small world,
isn't it, Ricky?

827
00:42:26,443 --> 00:42:29,184
It's very small.
It's very small.

828
00:42:31,081 --> 00:42:33,617
Okay, well, hey, it was really great
running into you, Ben.

829
00:42:33,650 --> 00:42:37,393
We'll let you get back to having dinner
in private with your wife, so bye-bye.

830
00:42:37,420 --> 00:42:41,425
Wait, wait, nonsense.
Why don't you two join us?

831
00:42:41,458 --> 00:42:42,561
Pardon?

832
00:42:42,592 --> 00:42:45,539
Well, it's not every day an author
gets to converse with one of his fans.

833
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,838
And besides, you deserve a free meal
just for reading my books.

834
00:42:47,864 --> 00:42:50,846
So what do you say?
All right?

835
00:42:50,867 --> 00:42:52,643
Great.
Come on.

836
00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:58,313
Good times.

837
00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:02,485
Okay, okay, okay.

838
00:43:02,512 --> 00:43:05,289
So, Seth, tell me what it is
you like best about my books.

839
00:43:05,315 --> 00:43:08,456
And please,
do not spare a single detail.

840
00:43:08,485 --> 00:43:10,521
Unless, of course,
it's negative.

841
00:43:10,554 --> 00:43:12,829
Well, I like everything about them.

842
00:43:12,856 --> 00:43:15,597
The suspense, the surprise twists,
the characters.

843
00:43:15,626 --> 00:43:18,971
Yeah, I love how the killer is always
the most unassuming, unlikely...

844
00:43:18,996 --> 00:43:20,407
Were you born in L.A.?

845
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:21,842
Huh?

846
00:43:21,864 --> 00:43:25,472
Uh, were you born in...

847
00:43:25,501 --> 00:43:27,106
Los Angeles?

848
00:43:27,137 --> 00:43:29,639
Uh, was anybody?

849
00:43:29,672 --> 00:43:31,016
Right?

850
00:43:31,041 --> 00:43:33,385
Right.
Well, I was.

851
00:43:33,409 --> 00:43:34,980
And Seth, too.

852
00:43:35,012 --> 00:43:39,050
Well, not Los Angeles,
per se, but Sherman Oaks.

853
00:43:39,083 --> 00:43:40,619
I'm from Pittsburgh originally.

854
00:43:42,885 --> 00:43:46,458
You know, I first met Danita
at a Pimento Garden.

855
00:43:46,489 --> 00:43:47,900
She was a waitress there

856
00:43:47,925 --> 00:43:51,202
and I proposed to her
on a Saturday night.

857
00:43:51,228 --> 00:43:55,074
And we've been coming back to one
every Saturday since,

858
00:43:55,099 --> 00:43:57,045
no matter where we've lived.

859
00:43:57,067 --> 00:43:58,375
- Aw.
- Mm-hmm.

860
00:43:58,402 --> 00:44:01,576
I didn't know that.

861
00:44:01,605 --> 00:44:04,141
Why... Why... I mean, Why... Why...
why would...

862
00:44:04,173 --> 00:44:06,210
why would he know...
that's what... what you mean

863
00:44:06,242 --> 00:44:08,280
is why would he know...
it's very romantic is what...

864
00:44:08,311 --> 00:44:10,518
It's very romantic.
Isn't that romantic, Ricky?

865
00:44:10,547 --> 00:44:12,389
It's very romantic.

866
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:17,929
You have been
awfully quiet tonight, honey.

867
00:44:17,954 --> 00:44:20,833
No, I'm just listening.

868
00:44:20,858 --> 00:44:22,336
No, well, you can talk, too.

869
00:44:22,358 --> 00:44:24,032
I mean, it's allowed.

870
00:44:24,061 --> 00:44:25,972
Thanks.

871
00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,099
No, I'm a modern man.

872
00:44:27,130 --> 00:44:29,907
Yes, that you are.

873
00:44:29,932 --> 00:44:32,311
Modern enough to give
his beautiful wife

874
00:44:32,335 --> 00:44:33,905
a little kiss in public.

875
00:44:33,936 --> 00:44:37,315
- Let's order!
-  Sorry.

876
00:44:37,340 --> 00:44:40,184
Me hungry like a sumbitch.

877
00:44:46,550 --> 00:44:49,963
Ah! That was great.

878
00:44:49,987 --> 00:44:52,557
Benny, you sure that Ricky and I can't
at least kick in for the Cherry Pepsis?

879
00:44:52,588 --> 00:44:55,570
Out of the question.
My treat, please.

880
00:44:55,592 --> 00:44:57,764
- Here you go.
- Thanks.

881
00:44:57,795 --> 00:44:58,829
Wow.

882
00:44:58,862 --> 00:45:00,739
What a nice guy.

883
00:45:00,764 --> 00:45:04,576
Yeah, I guess it's nice
being a millionaire writer,

884
00:45:04,601 --> 00:45:05,875
never having to worry about money.

885
00:45:05,902 --> 00:45:08,474
Oh, well, it wasn't
always like that, believe me.

886
00:45:08,505 --> 00:45:11,884
I mean, I took me years
and years to make it as a writer.

887
00:45:11,909 --> 00:45:14,355
Wow. See, Ricky,
I told you, it's never too late.

888
00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:16,380
Ricky wrote a really cool book,
and then he just quit.

889
00:45:16,413 --> 00:45:18,393
Oh. It's a shame.

890
00:45:18,414 --> 00:45:21,588
No, I didn't... I didn't...
I didn't write a book and I didn't quit.

891
00:45:21,617 --> 00:45:25,998
I just got, you know,
30 pages into one a long time ago

892
00:45:26,023 --> 00:45:28,298
and then I got a real job.

893
00:45:28,324 --> 00:45:30,498
Well, I would love to read it.

894
00:45:33,429 --> 00:45:34,704
Excuse me?

895
00:45:34,731 --> 00:45:36,608
I would love to read
your 30 pages, Ricky.

896
00:45:38,101 --> 00:45:40,275
Here, I'll give you my card.

897
00:45:40,304 --> 00:45:42,510
You can send it over
and give me a call in a few days,

898
00:45:42,539 --> 00:45:43,818
and I'll give you some feedback.

899
00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:47,012
Go on, take it.
It's okay.

900
00:45:52,648 --> 00:45:57,155
I can't believe the man I'm supposed
to kill is gonna read my work.

901
00:45:57,186 --> 00:45:58,688
I knew she was lying.

902
00:45:58,722 --> 00:46:00,929
- We still don't know that.
- What?

903
00:46:00,958 --> 00:46:03,494
Look, the whole point of tonight
was to watch the two of them together,

904
00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:04,903
and she did seem uncomfortable
around him.

905
00:46:04,927 --> 00:46:06,373
What are you talking about?

906
00:46:06,396 --> 00:46:07,773
When he tried to kiss her,
she was uncomfortable,

907
00:46:07,797 --> 00:46:10,300
and he kept going.
He practically tongue-raped her.

908
00:46:10,333 --> 00:46:11,438
Oh, whatever.

909
00:46:14,670 --> 00:46:17,447
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you,
I meta woman on EHappily, too.

910
00:46:17,474 --> 00:46:20,284
She's really hot.
Or her picture is.

911
00:46:20,309 --> 00:46:25,657
Oh, and if we go on a date
and by chance you happen to run into us,

912
00:46:25,681 --> 00:46:29,721
she sort of thinks
that I am an astronaut.

913
00:46:39,730 --> 00:46:40,902
Hello?

914
00:46:40,931 --> 00:46:42,376
Hi, honey.

915
00:46:42,398 --> 00:46:44,242
God, I'm still shaking.

916
00:46:44,268 --> 00:46:46,873
I can't believe
we ran into each other like that.

917
00:46:46,903 --> 00:46:49,282
Yup, it is a small world.

918
00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:51,286
You handled
yourself great, though.

919
00:46:51,307 --> 00:46:55,278
Calm, poised.
 Sort of.

920
00:46:55,311 --> 00:46:57,451
I hope I did, too.

921
00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:58,858
Where is he?

922
00:46:58,882 --> 00:47:00,862
He's downstairs.
I can just talk for a minute.

923
00:47:00,884 --> 00:47:03,887
I just-I wanted to die,

924
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:07,596
him pawing at me
and kissing me like that.

925
00:47:07,623 --> 00:47:09,864
I just needed to hear your voice.

926
00:47:09,893 --> 00:47:11,873
I'm glad you called.

927
00:47:15,331 --> 00:47:18,541
Boy, he really didn't seem
like the monster I imagined.

928
00:47:18,568 --> 00:47:20,878
No, he's good
at fooling people.

929
00:47:20,903 --> 00:47:22,849
Yeah, really good at it.

930
00:47:22,873 --> 00:47:25,820
I mean, generous, affable.

931
00:47:27,143 --> 00:47:28,851
He almost fooled me.

932
00:47:28,878 --> 00:47:31,985
Do you think
I'm lying to you, Ricky?

933
00:47:32,014 --> 00:47:33,755
No. No.

934
00:47:33,784 --> 00:47:35,695
No, it... it...

935
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:37,699
I mean, you know,
it's just a little odd.

936
00:47:37,721 --> 00:47:41,259
You told me he's this evil guy

937
00:47:41,291 --> 00:47:42,530
who threatened to kill you,

938
00:47:42,559 --> 00:47:44,800
and he used to be a rabbi?

939
00:47:44,827 --> 00:47:47,364
- How do you know that?
- Huh?

940
00:47:47,396 --> 00:47:49,775
Uh, Seth told me.

941
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:54,373
Uh, he Googled him
and checked his website and...

942
00:47:54,403 --> 00:47:58,284
Oh, you didn't just
run into us tonight, did you?

943
00:47:58,307 --> 00:47:59,342
You knew we were gonna be there.

944
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:01,014
No, no.

945
00:48:01,043 --> 00:48:04,389
Okay, yeah.

946
00:48:04,414 --> 00:48:06,360
But, you know,
Seth just wanted to make sure

947
00:48:06,382 --> 00:48:09,659
you weren't using me
or trying to set me up.

948
00:48:09,686 --> 00:48:11,632
I see. He did.

949
00:48:11,655 --> 00:48:12,929
Yeah, yeah, of course.

950
00:48:12,956 --> 00:48:15,231
I mean, I trust you, Danita.

951
00:48:15,259 --> 00:48:17,795
You know, totally.
 I always have.

952
00:48:17,827 --> 00:48:19,637
Good-bye, Ricky.

953
00:48:33,409 --> 00:48:34,820
Hey!

954
00:48:34,844 --> 00:48:36,791
Oh.
What are you doing here?

955
00:48:36,813 --> 00:48:38,382
I'm meeting my EHappily chick.

956
00:48:38,414 --> 00:48:39,860
Found a hot Frenchie,
too, so that's why...

957
00:48:39,882 --> 00:48:41,362
Hey, look, I was wondering
if you could do me a solid,

958
00:48:41,385 --> 00:48:43,797
maybe come over and break things up
if she doesn't look like her picture.

959
00:48:43,820 --> 00:48:45,231
Uh...

960
00:48:45,255 --> 00:48:47,757
Oh, you know what you can do...

961
00:48:47,791 --> 00:48:50,135
say that my mother died
and I'm needed at the cemetery...

962
00:48:50,159 --> 00:48:51,297
No.

963
00:48:51,327 --> 00:48:52,965
Hey, I'm helping you kill a guy.

964
00:48:54,831 --> 00:48:56,105
Sorry, I should probably
lower my voice.

965
00:48:56,132 --> 00:48:57,543
You know what?
Don't worry about it.

966
00:48:57,567 --> 00:48:59,876
- That's not happening anymore.
- What?

967
00:48:59,902 --> 00:49:01,643
Danita is pissed at me.

968
00:49:01,672 --> 00:49:03,617
She thought we didn't just run
into each other the other night.

969
00:49:03,639 --> 00:49:05,949
She thought I went there
because I didn't trust her.

970
00:49:05,976 --> 00:49:09,684
Oh, well, I don't...
I don't wanna pick sides.

971
00:49:09,713 --> 00:49:11,590
Well, the girl is right.
That is why you went.

972
00:49:11,614 --> 00:49:13,856
Because you put that thought
in my head.

973
00:49:13,884 --> 00:49:15,420
Don't do that, please.

974
00:49:15,452 --> 00:49:17,454
It's easy to be
a Monday morning quarterback,

975
00:49:17,487 --> 00:49:19,262
to blame everything on...

976
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:22,327
Oh, God, that's her.

977
00:49:22,358 --> 00:49:24,065
She is her picture.

978
00:49:24,094 --> 00:49:25,869
Wish me luck, dog.

979
00:49:27,331 --> 00:49:29,072
Snail.

980
00:49:29,099 --> 00:49:31,204
Hey, look, in about ten minutes,
could you come by our table

981
00:49:31,233 --> 00:49:33,110
and ask me something astronaut-y?

982
00:49:45,349 --> 00:49:47,192
Hello, Seth.

983
00:49:47,217 --> 00:49:50,096
2..

984
00:49:52,789 --> 00:49:55,201
So maybe we should get a table?

985
00:49:55,224 --> 00:49:58,967
Yes.
Yeah, oh, yes, of course. Yeah.

986
00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:01,135
I have a lot of pull here, so-
garcon?

987
00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:03,769
That is French.

988
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:06,007
And why wouldn't you know that?
I'm a moron.

989
00:50:06,036 --> 00:50:07,878
Relax.

990
00:50:07,903 --> 00:50:12,443
Tonight, you're going
to get paid and laid.

991
00:50:14,443 --> 00:50:15,786
Oh, no, no, no, no!

992
00:50:15,811 --> 00:50:18,485
It was a phrase
I took from your profile.

993
00:50:18,514 --> 00:50:19,891
I thought it was very funny.

994
00:50:19,916 --> 00:50:22,726
Oh, oh...
oh, yeah, I see.

995
00:50:22,753 --> 00:50:24,255
Ah, shit.
I thought you were serious.

996
00:50:24,286 --> 00:50:27,097
0op, pardon my French.
And I apologize for that.

997
00:50:27,123 --> 00:50:29,695
I did not mean to imply
that French is coarse

998
00:50:29,726 --> 00:50:32,172
or that it's obscene
or that it is a gutter language.

999
00:50:32,195 --> 00:50:33,469
French is not a gutter Lang...

1000
00:50:40,103 --> 00:50:41,775
What?

1001
00:50:44,907 --> 00:50:47,012
♪ I love you ♪

1002
00:50:47,043 --> 00:50:50,958
♪ But I can't stay with you... ♪

1003
00:50:51,248 --> 00:50:54,057
All my life I had been
looking for my prince.

1004
00:50:54,083 --> 00:50:56,655
Danita, I need to talk to you.
Please call me back.

1005
00:50:58,288 --> 00:51:00,199
Look, I'm sorry I didn't trust you,

1006
00:51:00,222 --> 00:51:03,396
but Seth kept making me watch
"Body Heat" and "Wild Things."

1007
00:51:04,860 --> 00:51:06,340
Jesus, Seth.

1008
00:51:19,342 --> 00:51:20,445
Talk to me.

1009
00:51:20,476 --> 00:51:22,320
Look, look, it's my fault, okay?

1010
00:51:22,344 --> 00:51:25,155
Seth, you know, got into my head,
and I started obsessing

1011
00:51:25,181 --> 00:51:27,458
and getting all suspicious,
but that's no excuse...

1012
00:51:27,483 --> 00:51:28,894
I was using you.

1013
00:51:30,586 --> 00:51:31,793
What?

1014
00:51:31,822 --> 00:51:34,461
At first.

1015
00:51:34,490 --> 00:51:36,266
I've told you the truth
about my husband.

1016
00:51:36,293 --> 00:51:38,704
He would kill me
if I ever tried to leave him.

1017
00:51:38,728 --> 00:51:43,541
He controls every dime of mine,
so I could never pay to have someone...

1018
00:51:44,634 --> 00:51:48,547
One day I went on this dating service
to look for someone desperate,

1019
00:51:48,572 --> 00:51:50,331
and they just...
they matched me up with you.

1020
00:51:51,875 --> 00:51:56,119
I just-I figured that any man
willing to go on a date with a woman

1021
00:51:56,146 --> 00:51:58,489
without even seeing her picture,
you know, might be willing

1022
00:51:58,514 --> 00:52:00,516
to go along with just about anything.

1023
00:52:00,550 --> 00:52:02,085
Guess you made the right choice.

1024
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:05,726
No,
but then I met you and it just...

1025
00:52:05,755 --> 00:52:07,097
everything changed.

1026
00:52:07,123 --> 00:52:08,831
I just...

1027
00:52:08,858 --> 00:52:10,269
I fell in love with you.

1028
00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:12,773
Uh-huh.

1029
00:52:12,795 --> 00:52:15,777
I did. Ricky. I did.
I really did.

1030
00:52:15,798 --> 00:52:18,677
Look, I'll be honest,
when I first read your profile,

1031
00:52:18,702 --> 00:52:22,081
I couldn't believe anybody
that sweet could actually exist.

1032
00:52:22,105 --> 00:52:25,382
I mean, I even snickered when I read
the word "heart-ner" the first time.

1033
00:52:25,407 --> 00:52:26,853
I just...

1034
00:52:26,876 --> 00:52:28,981
then I met you,
and you were just...

1035
00:52:29,012 --> 00:52:33,222
you are that sweet in person,
and... and I love you.

1036
00:52:33,250 --> 00:52:35,992
I love you from
the bottom of my heart, Ricky,

1037
00:52:36,018 --> 00:52:38,829
and I know you have no reason
to believe me, but...

1038
00:52:38,855 --> 00:52:39,889
Good-bye, Danita.

1039
00:52:43,626 --> 00:52:46,766
Yeah, okay.
I guess that's what I deserve.

1040
00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:49,875
Good-bye, Ricky.

1041
00:52:52,135 --> 00:52:54,045
I'm so sorry, Ricky.

1042
00:52:54,070 --> 00:52:57,516
You're my soul mate, and I just...
I screwed it all up.

1043
00:53:02,045 --> 00:53:03,284
Swear on Albert Brooks.

1044
00:53:03,313 --> 00:53:05,623
What?

1045
00:53:05,648 --> 00:53:10,028
Swear on Albert Brooks
that you love me.

1046
00:53:10,052 --> 00:53:11,760
If you're lying,
he'll be struck dead.

1047
00:53:13,255 --> 00:53:15,065
And also one of your cats.

1048
00:53:18,594 --> 00:53:20,505
I swear.

1049
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:24,273
I swear on Albert Brooks
and Chairman Meow I love you.

1050
00:53:24,300 --> 00:53:27,304
I love you, Ricky,
with all my heart.

1051
00:53:27,336 --> 00:53:30,181
Oh, God,
I love you, too, Danita.

1052
00:53:32,742 --> 00:53:35,244
Um...

1053
00:53:35,277 --> 00:53:37,349
listen, uh...

1054
00:53:37,380 --> 00:53:39,420
there's something I probably
I should have told you.

1055
00:53:39,449 --> 00:53:40,449
Um...

1056
00:53:42,418 --> 00:53:44,398
Well, something
you probably noticed already.

1057
00:53:46,590 --> 00:53:48,398
My whole head is a lie.

1058
00:53:50,159 --> 00:53:52,469
It's okay.

1059
00:53:52,494 --> 00:53:54,304
You look more beautiful
without your makeup.

1060
00:53:54,331 --> 00:53:57,505
<i>I'</i>

1061
00:54:03,806 --> 00:54:05,286
It's back on.

1062
00:54:05,307 --> 00:54:06,411
What?

1063
00:54:06,443 --> 00:54:08,786
Operation Kill the Rabbi,
it's a go.

1064
00:54:08,811 --> 00:54:10,813
Pound it.

1065
00:54:15,452 --> 00:54:17,362
What...
what exactly is our operation?

1066
00:54:17,387 --> 00:54:19,492
You know what, I don't know.
I was thinking shoot him, trip him.

1067
00:54:19,521 --> 00:54:22,025
Right now is not a good time, baby.
Up to my ass in 1099s.

1068
00:54:22,057 --> 00:54:24,436
- Okay.
- Okay, um...

1069
00:54:30,333 --> 00:54:32,744
You want me to give
your husband my novel?

1070
00:54:32,768 --> 00:54:36,181
Yes, just like he asked.

1071
00:54:36,206 --> 00:54:39,449
Then you can come over one night
to discuss it face-to-face

1072
00:54:39,476 --> 00:54:42,217
where you can absorb
all his comments,

1073
00:54:42,244 --> 00:54:44,623
and then you'll have
the perfect opportunity.

1074
00:54:44,648 --> 00:54:46,456
I'm not sure it's ready.

1075
00:54:46,483 --> 00:54:47,985
What?

1076
00:54:48,018 --> 00:54:50,327
The 30 pages, you know,
I haven't proofed it yet.

1077
00:54:50,353 --> 00:54:51,990
I'm, uh...

1078
00:54:52,021 --> 00:54:55,025
You're not giving it to him
so you can send it to his agents.

1079
00:54:55,057 --> 00:55:00,474
You're giving it to him so you can get
invited into his home and kill him.

1080
00:55:00,496 --> 00:55:03,943
No, it's just... it's been a long time
since anybody's read my stuff.

1081
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:05,570
And...

1082
00:55:05,601 --> 00:55:08,172
I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm really nervous.

1083
00:55:09,706 --> 00:55:11,014
Me, too, honey.

1084
00:55:12,976 --> 00:55:14,454
Maybe we shouldn't do this.

1085
00:55:14,476 --> 00:55:19,050
I mean, maybe we can just get
in your car and drive away,

1086
00:55:19,081 --> 00:55:21,789
far away,
you and me, right now.

1087
00:55:21,818 --> 00:55:23,889
I'd have to give Debby's
two weeks' notice.

1088
00:55:25,822 --> 00:55:28,563
Sorry.
I was sure you were kidding.

1089
00:55:30,393 --> 00:55:32,838
Let's just get away.

1090
00:55:32,862 --> 00:55:36,070
I mean, maybe he won't kill me
like he says he will.

1091
00:55:36,099 --> 00:55:38,135
Yeah, okay,
he's killed before, but...

1092
00:55:39,969 --> 00:55:42,005
Oh, yeah,
he killed his first wife.

1093
00:55:43,039 --> 00:55:45,076
I mean, they couldn't prove it,
but he did.

1094
00:55:45,108 --> 00:55:50,148
The prick even made it into
the plot of his first... first book.

1095
00:55:50,179 --> 00:55:54,389
Genius murderer gets away
with killing cheating wife.

1096
00:55:54,416 --> 00:55:57,364
Christ.

1097
00:55:57,387 --> 00:56:00,492
His family warned me, too,
the day I married him.

1098
00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:02,025
I just never listened.

1099
00:56:02,057 --> 00:56:03,503
I'm such an idiot, Ricky.

1100
00:56:03,525 --> 00:56:05,096
No, no, no. Hey.

1101
00:56:06,762 --> 00:56:09,141
At least you have
good taste in men now.

1102
00:56:14,371 --> 00:56:14,402
How... to... buy...

1103
00:56:14,403 --> 00:56:17,510
How... to... buy...

1104
00:56:17,539 --> 00:56:19,541
a... gun.

1105
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:24,054
Oh, shit!
They trace Google searches.

1106
00:56:24,079 --> 00:56:25,717
Idiot.

1107
00:56:25,748 --> 00:56:27,626
Smiley face?

1108
00:56:27,650 --> 00:56:28,788
LOL?

1109
00:56:28,818 --> 00:56:30,695
Hey, man,
can I talk to you for a second?

1110
00:56:30,719 --> 00:56:32,427
Sure.
What up, dog?

1111
00:56:32,454 --> 00:56:36,369
Um, I'm gonna need
some more time off.

1112
00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,996
Oh, yeah, okay.
Whatevs.

1113
00:56:41,130 --> 00:56:44,340
Hey Oh!
You know, Jorge?

1114
00:56:44,367 --> 00:56:46,438
There's something
I always wanted to ask you.

1115
00:56:46,469 --> 00:56:49,677
Um, do you know anybody
who sells guns?

1116
00:56:49,706 --> 00:56:51,652
Excuse me?

1117
00:56:51,673 --> 00:56:54,483
Well, it's for my father.

1118
00:56:54,510 --> 00:56:56,217
He likes to hunt deer, you know.

1119
00:56:56,246 --> 00:56:58,851
I don't condone it, but,
you know, it gives him pleasure,

1120
00:56:58,882 --> 00:57:01,692
and his birthday
is coming up, so...

1121
00:57:01,717 --> 00:57:04,391
Why would you think that I know
somebody who sells guns, huh?

1122
00:57:04,420 --> 00:57:05,559
Because I'm Hispanic?

1123
00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:07,090
No.
No, no, of course not.

1124
00:57:07,123 --> 00:57:09,501
I mean, I didn't mean
anything, honestly.

1125
00:57:09,525 --> 00:57:10,766
Look, I'm sorry, okay?

1126
00:57:10,793 --> 00:57:12,501
It's just that this is
how stereotypes get perpetuated.

1127
00:57:12,528 --> 00:57:15,099
Couldn't agree with you more.
And I'm sorry I asked.

1128
00:57:20,269 --> 00:57:22,250
You know what?
I just remembered.

1129
00:57:22,271 --> 00:57:23,648
My brother and sister sell guns.

1130
00:57:28,143 --> 00:57:29,248
This is stupid.

1131
00:57:29,278 --> 00:57:31,315
Shouldn't we be at
a shooting range or something?

1132
00:57:31,347 --> 00:57:34,123
Witnesses, dog.
Use your head, okay?

1133
00:57:34,150 --> 00:57:35,719
It's totally discreet here.

1134
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:44,563
Ah! Ah!

1135
00:57:44,594 --> 00:57:46,903
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that was discreet.

1136
00:57:46,929 --> 00:57:49,637
Couldn't you have asked the busboy
for a silencer or something?

1137
00:57:49,666 --> 00:57:52,340
Sorry, first gun.
Forgot to ask for accessories.

1138
00:57:52,367 --> 00:57:54,278
All right, you know what?
I'll show you how to do it, hog.

1139
00:57:54,304 --> 00:57:58,012
You got to... now aim the, aim the...
don't hold the trigger yet.

1140
00:57:58,041 --> 00:57:59,110
- Okay. Okay.
- Don't hold it...

1141
00:57:59,141 --> 00:58:00,177
what are you, a gangster?

1142
00:58:00,210 --> 00:58:02,780
Put it straight up like...
okay, now make sure that your...

1143
00:58:02,811 --> 00:58:04,655
your forearm needs to be
in line with the barrel.

1144
00:58:04,681 --> 00:58:05,887
Needs to be in line with the...
no, straight.

1145
00:58:05,914 --> 00:58:07,257
You can't even do that.

1146
00:58:07,282 --> 00:58:08,387
Don't, don't turn your elbow in
or else you're gonna loo...

1147
00:58:08,418 --> 00:58:10,329
- this is gonna dislocate immediately.
- Okay.

1148
00:58:10,353 --> 00:58:12,230
Don't... okay, look...
no, no, no, no.

1149
00:58:12,255 --> 00:58:13,927
You got to stay...
you got to stay square.

1150
00:58:13,956 --> 00:58:15,766
- Okay.
- Okay, you have no power there.

1151
00:58:15,791 --> 00:58:17,362
- So like that...
- Look at it through that eye,

1152
00:58:17,393 --> 00:58:19,099
the eye closest to the...

1153
00:58:19,128 --> 00:58:21,164
You know what?
Maybe you don't have to shoot him.

1154
00:58:21,197 --> 00:58:22,869
No, no, I want to shoot him.

1155
00:58:22,898 --> 00:58:24,900
That's how this murderer
deserves to die.

1156
00:58:24,934 --> 00:58:26,503
- Murderer?
- Yeah, yeah.

1157
00:58:26,536 --> 00:58:28,413
He killed his first wife,
totally got away with it.

1158
00:58:28,438 --> 00:58:30,246
No, no, no, I think you're thinking
of Ben's first book.

1159
00:58:30,273 --> 00:58:32,344
Which is a great read, by the way.
I highly recommend it.

1160
00:58:32,375 --> 00:58:34,684
No, no.
Danita told he did it in real life.

1161
00:58:34,710 --> 00:58:36,018
Come on.
She already lied to you.

1162
00:58:36,045 --> 00:58:37,764
How do you know she's telling
the truth now?

1163
00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:41,757
I looked into her eyes.

1164
00:58:41,784 --> 00:58:44,230
Oh, good, great.

1165
00:58:44,253 --> 00:58:46,097
Yeah,
I feel really good about this now.

1166
00:58:46,121 --> 00:58:48,762
Did you at least think
to Google the guy,

1167
00:58:48,791 --> 00:58:50,202
see if even he had a first wife?

1168
00:58:50,226 --> 00:58:53,400
Okay, okay, you wanna know
what your problem is?

1169
00:58:53,429 --> 00:58:56,273
Seriously, seriously, you know,
I think you need to hear it.

1170
00:58:56,298 --> 00:58:59,643
You know, this may hurt,
but I really think you need to hear it.

1171
00:58:59,668 --> 00:59:01,512
Okay,
Dr. Phil, what's my problem?

1172
00:59:01,538 --> 00:59:05,007
Okay,
you are so emotionally immature,

1173
00:59:05,041 --> 00:59:09,717
so afraid of any kind of relationship
that you mistrust any woman

1174
00:59:09,746 --> 00:59:11,657
so that you don't
have to make a commitment.

1175
00:59:11,681 --> 00:59:14,126
I see.

1176
00:59:14,150 --> 00:59:16,494
Yeah. I mean, I...
you know, I'm your best friend,

1177
00:59:16,518 --> 00:59:18,795
so, you know,
I really felt like I had to say it.

1178
00:59:18,820 --> 00:59:21,130
- Really?
- Yeah.

1179
00:59:21,157 --> 00:59:24,001
Then why did I propose to Tracey
at the end of our first date?

1180
00:59:24,027 --> 00:59:25,699
What?

1181
00:59:25,728 --> 00:59:29,175
I was gonna surprise you
with the news

1182
00:59:29,197 --> 00:59:31,677
tonight over a hot dog and soup,
but, no,

1183
00:59:31,701 --> 00:59:35,443
you had to ruin by saying
all those hurtful, hurtful, hurtful...

1184
00:59:35,471 --> 00:59:37,882
- So you proposed to her?
- Yeah.

1185
00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:40,786
I don't know, I guess I was hit
by lightning, too, dog.

1186
00:59:40,809 --> 00:59:43,289
I mean, she's attractive,
and she said I was her type,

1187
00:59:43,313 --> 00:59:45,554
and nobody ever tells me
that I'm their type.

1188
00:59:45,581 --> 00:59:48,188
So the words,
"Will you marry me?"

1189
00:59:48,217 --> 00:59:51,527
I don't know, they just kind of slipped
out like sappy Tourette's

1190
00:59:51,554 --> 00:59:52,726
or something like that.

1191
00:59:52,755 --> 00:59:54,496
And what did she say?

1192
00:59:54,523 --> 00:59:55,730
Yes.
She said yes.

1193
00:59:55,757 --> 00:59:57,567
I'm getting married in a month.

1194
00:59:57,594 --> 00:59:59,766
Wow.
Wow, that is unbeliev-

1195
00:59:59,795 --> 01:00:02,902
I'm... I'm proud of you, man.

1196
01:00:04,534 --> 01:00:05,945
Thank you, Ricky.

1197
01:00:05,969 --> 01:00:08,414
Me, too, you know?

1198
01:00:08,438 --> 01:00:10,644
Actually, I told her
that I wasn't an astronaut

1199
01:00:10,672 --> 01:00:13,085
about a half-hour
after I popped the question.

1200
01:00:13,108 --> 01:00:15,715
She was a little weirded out by that,
but she didn't retract her yes...

1201
01:00:15,744 --> 01:00:16,951
what's wrong?

1202
01:00:16,980 --> 01:00:18,721
No, no, no.
I'm... I'm happy for you.

1203
01:00:18,748 --> 01:00:23,697
It's just now I'm the last guy
from high school to never be married.

1204
01:00:27,690 --> 01:00:30,967
Ricky, you got to keep
your arm in line with the barrel!

1205
01:00:36,331 --> 01:00:38,092
Setting up for the rush now.

1206
01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:42,614
Up to the line!
Gathering speed!

1207
01:00:49,144 --> 01:00:52,614
Ben Jacobs...

1208
01:00:52,648 --> 01:00:54,719
author...

1209
01:00:54,751 --> 01:00:56,958
first... wife.

1210
01:01:04,594 --> 01:01:06,664
I'm so sorry I didn't trust you,
Danita.

1211
01:01:06,695 --> 01:01:08,369
I'll never use Google again.

1212
01:01:20,409 --> 01:01:21,480
Hello?

1213
01:01:21,510 --> 01:01:23,751
Mr. Jacobs.
It's Ricky.

1214
01:01:23,780 --> 01:01:26,021
You know, the SD-page writer?

1215
01:01:26,048 --> 01:01:27,494
Ricky. Hey!

1216
01:01:27,516 --> 01:01:30,088
Yeah.
I hope I'm not bothering you.

1217
01:01:30,119 --> 01:01:33,588
I just wanted to let you know
that I just messengered you my book.

1218
01:01:33,623 --> 01:01:34,829
Oh, excellent.

1219
01:01:34,856 --> 01:01:36,563
Well, I'm really looking forward
to reading it.

1220
01:01:36,592 --> 01:01:42,235
Listen, after you read it,
I'd love to talk to you face-to-face,

1221
01:01:42,264 --> 01:01:44,505
you know,
so I can absorb your comments,

1222
01:01:44,534 --> 01:01:46,844
- you know, so...
- Why don't you come over for dinner?

1223
01:01:49,405 --> 01:01:53,376
That's just what I was about to ask you.

1224
01:01:53,409 --> 01:01:56,413
Um, I mean,
I hope it's not too much trouble.

1225
01:01:56,445 --> 01:01:59,255
No! No, no, trouble at all.
How's Sunday?

1226
01:01:59,282 --> 01:02:00,556
Thanks. Bye.

1227
01:02:14,197 --> 01:02:16,836
Oh, I just got off the phone
with Ricky,

1228
01:02:16,865 --> 01:02:18,936
and he's coming over
for dinner Sunday night.

1229
01:02:20,603 --> 01:02:21,980
Ricky?

1230
01:02:22,003 --> 01:02:25,041
Yeah. I'm reading his book,
honey, remember?

1231
01:02:26,309 --> 01:02:28,481
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah.

1232
01:02:30,545 --> 01:02:32,856
Is it okay with you
that I invited him to dinner?

1233
01:02:32,882 --> 01:02:34,485
Of course.

1234
01:02:34,516 --> 01:02:35,688
Okay, good.

1235
01:02:58,775 --> 01:02:59,809
Hey, baby.

1236
01:02:59,842 --> 01:03:01,788
Hi, sweetie.
I came as quickly as I could.

1237
01:03:01,811 --> 01:03:02,846
What's wrong?

1238
01:03:02,878 --> 01:03:04,324
I think Ben may know about us.

1239
01:03:04,347 --> 01:03:07,021
Christ! Sorry.

1240
01:03:07,048 --> 01:03:09,188
So do you think we should call
off dinner tonight?

1241
01:03:09,217 --> 01:03:10,719
No. Why?

1242
01:03:10,753 --> 01:03:13,427
'Cause he might, you know,
try to kill me first.

1243
01:03:13,456 --> 01:03:14,833
Oh, right.

1244
01:03:14,856 --> 01:03:15,994
Hey.

1245
01:03:16,025 --> 01:03:19,028
No, what am I saying?
He'd never kill you in his own house.

1246
01:03:19,061 --> 01:03:21,166
He'd take you somewhere else.

1247
01:03:21,197 --> 01:03:23,074
How do we know he doesn't have
after-dinner plans?

1248
01:03:23,099 --> 01:03:26,876
Oh, I just...
I bet he was just trying to scare me.

1249
01:03:26,902 --> 01:03:28,882
You know, if he thought
we were really having an affair,

1250
01:03:28,905 --> 01:03:30,144
you'd be dead already.

1251
01:03:30,172 --> 01:03:32,516
Okey-dokey.

1252
01:03:32,541 --> 01:03:35,079
I love you, Ricky.

1253
01:03:35,110 --> 01:03:37,454
I love you more plus seven.

1254
01:03:40,048 --> 01:03:42,655
Oh, after dinner,
he'll take you up to his office

1255
01:03:42,684 --> 01:03:44,221
to discuss your book,

1256
01:03:44,253 --> 01:03:46,289
so as soon as he goes up
the first few steps,

1257
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:47,925
just shoot him twice
in the back of the head.

1258
01:03:47,956 --> 01:03:49,994
Oh, I should probably make sure
that he gets up first

1259
01:03:50,025 --> 01:03:52,097
'cause if I'm in front of him,
then I'm gonna have to reach around

1260
01:03:52,128 --> 01:03:55,074
to get access to the back of his he...
I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

1261
01:03:56,465 --> 01:03:58,137
You'll do great.

1262
01:03:58,166 --> 01:03:59,237
Thank you, baby.

1263
01:04:02,271 --> 01:04:04,717
Please stop staring at me, Jesus.

1264
01:04:16,885 --> 01:04:19,297
Okay, cool.

1265
01:04:19,322 --> 01:04:21,028
I can barely see your face.

1266
01:04:21,056 --> 01:04:22,831
Why are you wearing a Minnesota cap?

1267
01:04:22,858 --> 01:04:25,271
Oh, it's Montreal Royals.

1268
01:04:25,293 --> 01:04:28,365
It was at the first minor league team
that Jackie Robinson played for.

1269
01:04:28,396 --> 01:04:31,275
I mean, you saw that movie with
Harrison Ford and Chadwick Bose-man?

1270
01:04:31,300 --> 01:04:33,610
It was a really...
it was superb

1271
01:04:33,635 --> 01:04:35,980
and a delightful turn
by John C. McGinley...

1272
01:04:36,005 --> 01:04:39,384
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just relax, okay?

1273
01:04:39,407 --> 01:04:42,981
Remember, all you have to do
is kill a guy while his back is turned.

1274
01:04:43,012 --> 01:04:45,184
Okay?
And don't forget.

1275
01:04:45,213 --> 01:04:46,318
The barrel of the gun
needs to be in line...

1276
01:04:46,349 --> 01:04:48,056
Oh, would you shut up with that,
all right?

1277
01:04:50,753 --> 01:04:52,027
Just trying to help, Ricky.

1278
01:04:56,259 --> 01:04:57,396
I'm sorry I yelled, man.

1279
01:04:59,795 --> 01:05:01,865
Yeah. Well...

1280
01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:04,503
I mean,
I guess you got a lot on your plate.

1281
01:05:07,135 --> 01:05:10,708
Look, um...
when the deed is done,

1282
01:05:10,739 --> 01:05:14,380
just text me, "The rabbi sleeps
with the gefilte fishes."

1283
01:05:14,409 --> 01:05:17,289
I'll come help you guys
get rid of the body, okay?

1284
01:05:17,313 --> 01:05:20,088
You're a primo amigo plus, man.
You know that?

1285
01:05:32,394 --> 01:05:34,931
I gotta, um...

1286
01:05:34,963 --> 01:05:36,443
- You gotta go.
- Yeah, I gotta...

1287
01:05:40,769 --> 01:05:42,181
You got..

1288
01:06:16,472 --> 01:06:17,677
It's okay, honey.

1289
01:06:17,706 --> 01:06:19,583
You keep on writing.
I'll get the door.

1290
01:06:22,644 --> 01:06:24,282
- How are you doing?
- Okay, I think.

1291
01:06:25,547 --> 01:06:28,153
Hello, Ricky.
Welcome to our house.

1292
01:06:28,184 --> 01:06:30,460
Ben will be out in a minute.

1293
01:06:30,485 --> 01:06:33,159
You really do have cats.
I love you.

1294
01:06:33,188 --> 01:06:34,690
I love you.

1295
01:06:34,724 --> 01:06:37,204
Ricky.
Hi, welcome.

1296
01:06:39,996 --> 01:06:42,271
So... are you nervous?

1297
01:06:42,297 --> 01:06:44,106
Excuse me?

1298
01:06:44,132 --> 01:06:45,702
Are you nervous?

1299
01:06:45,735 --> 01:06:47,681
Why would I be nervous?

1300
01:06:47,702 --> 01:06:50,047
Because you're getting
an evaluation of your work tonight

1301
01:06:50,072 --> 01:06:52,382
by a best-selling author.

1302
01:06:52,407 --> 01:06:53,784
Right. Yeah.

1303
01:06:53,809 --> 01:06:55,719
Yeah, I'm nervous as shit.

1304
01:07:03,985 --> 01:07:07,023
How's your Chicken Diablo, Ricky?
You barely touched it.

1305
01:07:07,056 --> 01:07:09,501
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, uh...

1306
01:07:09,525 --> 01:07:10,798
here we go.

1307
01:07:12,293 --> 01:07:14,637
Mm, it's delicious.

1308
01:07:14,663 --> 01:07:16,199
Trés succulent.

1309
01:07:16,231 --> 01:07:19,235
Yeah.
Danita is a great cook.

1310
01:07:19,268 --> 01:07:21,713
I sometimes forget that

1311
01:07:21,737 --> 01:07:23,773
'cause I, you know,
I let her order food a lot.

1312
01:07:23,806 --> 01:07:25,682
Oh, "let her."

1313
01:07:25,708 --> 01:07:28,313
Well, you know,
I guess I spoil her a little bit.

1314
01:07:28,344 --> 01:07:31,347
- Don't I, honey?
- Yes, you're very generous.

1315
01:07:31,380 --> 01:07:35,487
Oh, hey, I wasn't fishing
for a compliment, but thanks.

1316
01:07:35,518 --> 01:07:36,826
You're welcome.

1317
01:07:41,724 --> 01:07:43,003
I really liked your book, Ricky.

1318
01:07:45,427 --> 01:07:46,599
Thank you.

1319
01:07:46,628 --> 01:07:48,989
I know I said I was gonna talk
to you about it after dinner,

1320
01:07:48,998 --> 01:07:52,309
but I just couldn't wait a second longer
to tell you how much I really liked it.

1321
01:07:52,333 --> 01:07:54,335
You sure you don't want to wait
till after dinner

1322
01:07:54,369 --> 01:07:57,282
and talk to him about it upstairs,
you know, in your office

1323
01:07:57,306 --> 01:07:59,717
where you won't be distracted?

1324
01:07:59,742 --> 01:08:00,822
What did you like about it?

1325
01:08:00,842 --> 01:08:03,983
Oh, well, I liked
the characters, the pacing,

1326
01:08:04,012 --> 01:08:06,458
but why in the world
did you stop after 30 pages?

1327
01:08:06,481 --> 01:08:07,858
I mean,
I can't wait to see how it ends.

1328
01:08:07,882 --> 01:08:09,293
Wow. Really?

1329
01:08:09,318 --> 01:08:11,764
See, see, I think that...
I used to think it was good,

1330
01:08:11,786 --> 01:08:14,528
but, I don't know,
time passes and you lose perspective.

1331
01:08:14,556 --> 01:08:16,399
- You really liked the pacing?
- Oh!

1332
01:08:19,395 --> 01:08:22,501
Sorry. I'm just...
I'm not used to praise.

1333
01:08:22,530 --> 01:08:25,136
Well, you better get used to it,
because after you finish it,

1334
01:08:25,167 --> 01:08:26,908
I plan on sending it
to my publisher.

1335
01:08:26,935 --> 01:08:28,744
Oh, my God!
Thank you!

1336
01:08:28,770 --> 01:08:30,273
Oh, my"

1337
01:08:32,373 --> 01:08:35,014
Mmm,
but I did have a few notes for you.

1338
01:08:35,043 --> 01:08:38,252
And I think Danita's right,
we can probably focus better upstairs.

1339
01:08:38,279 --> 01:08:41,556
So after dinner, in my office.
Is that okay, Ricky?

1340
01:08:41,583 --> 01:08:43,689
Yeah.
Yeah, that's... that's cool.

1341
01:08:43,719 --> 01:08:46,893
Excellent, great.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.

1342
01:08:48,858 --> 01:08:50,564
Me, too.

1343
01:08:53,529 --> 01:08:57,806
Oh, hey, you think there's
any chance that we could call the...

1344
01:08:57,832 --> 01:09:01,975
the publisher right now
and, you know, get the ball rolling?

1345
01:09:02,003 --> 01:09:05,542
You know what?
Notes first, I think, um...

1346
01:09:11,412 --> 01:09:14,292
Well,
let me put the dishes away.

1347
01:09:14,315 --> 01:09:17,421
You two go upstairs
and have your little talk.

1348
01:09:23,759 --> 01:09:27,262
She still insists on cleaning up herself
even though I could easily afford help.

1349
01:09:30,064 --> 01:09:32,704
She's great.

1350
01:09:32,734 --> 01:09:33,907
Isn't she great, Ricky?

1351
01:09:33,935 --> 01:09:35,438
Yeah, she's very nice.

1352
01:09:35,470 --> 01:09:37,849
I'm glad you agree.

1353
01:09:37,872 --> 01:09:40,716
Okay, time for the big moment.
You ready?

1354
01:09:42,511 --> 01:09:43,921
Oh, God, I hope so.

1355
01:09:47,682 --> 01:09:50,630
Well, come on, let's go do this.
Come on.

1356
01:09:57,960 --> 01:09:58,961
Um...

1357
01:10:00,029 --> 01:10:03,442
Well, why don't you
lead the way?

1358
01:10:03,465 --> 01:10:05,103
Since, you know,
it is your house.

1359
01:10:34,430 --> 01:10:36,376
You know what?

1360
01:10:36,398 --> 01:10:38,344
Why don't we go somewhere
else to talk about your book,

1361
01:10:38,367 --> 01:10:40,676
somewhere
a little more inspiring?

1362
01:10:40,703 --> 01:10:43,512
Oh, and, honey,
you should come, too.

1363
01:10:43,538 --> 01:10:44,744
I think it's gonna be fun.

1364
01:10:55,149 --> 01:10:56,823
Thanks for driving, honey.

1365
01:10:56,851 --> 01:10:59,297
Gives me more time
to chat with Ricky.

1366
01:11:00,322 --> 01:11:02,096
Where are we going?

1367
01:11:02,123 --> 01:11:04,194
To a very special place.

1368
01:11:08,497 --> 01:11:10,703
<i>I'</i>

1369
01:11:31,854 --> 01:11:36,064
This place is very important to me.

1370
01:11:37,525 --> 01:11:41,201
It's where I first came up
with the idea that my wife

1371
01:11:41,229 --> 01:11:43,766
was cheating on me
with a loser like you.

1372
01:11:46,635 --> 01:11:48,739
I'm sorry, honey, I lied to you.

1373
01:11:48,770 --> 01:11:50,730
That night you thought
I was doing a book signing,

1374
01:11:50,738 --> 01:11:53,082
I was actually parked
right over there.

1375
01:11:53,108 --> 01:11:54,587
Yeah.

1376
01:11:57,179 --> 01:11:59,658
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, it was all my fault.

1377
01:11:59,681 --> 01:12:01,752
Just please don't hurt him.

1378
01:12:01,783 --> 01:12:04,697
Hey, hey, can you please
just shut the fuck up, honey?

1379
01:12:04,720 --> 01:12:06,756
I'm trying to converse
with our dinner guest.

1380
01:12:06,788 --> 01:12:08,927
Don't s-swear at her.

1381
01:12:10,525 --> 01:12:12,403
How chivalrous, Ricky.

1382
01:12:12,427 --> 01:12:15,568
You know,
I'm surprised you're still single.

1383
01:12:15,596 --> 01:12:17,702
You're a real catch.

1384
01:12:19,134 --> 01:12:21,774
Look, why don't you just let her go?
You don't even love her.

1385
01:12:21,804 --> 01:12:25,717
Wow.
That is just so impressive.

1386
01:12:27,208 --> 01:12:29,279
You know exactly what's in my heart.

1387
01:12:30,813 --> 01:12:32,382
You don't have a heart.

1388
01:12:32,413 --> 01:12:34,222
Now you see?

1389
01:12:34,248 --> 01:12:35,523
That one hurt.

1390
01:12:37,286 --> 01:12:39,493
Ben, please, please, please, no.
Please, no. Please, no.

1391
01:12:39,520 --> 01:12:41,329
I promise I'll never see him again.

1392
01:12:41,356 --> 01:12:43,632
I'll stay with you,
I'll do anything you want...

1393
01:12:43,658 --> 01:12:45,365
I told you to shut up!

1394
01:12:45,394 --> 01:12:47,670
Ah!

1395
01:12:51,300 --> 01:12:52,711
Whoa. hey!

1396
01:12:52,734 --> 01:12:54,270
Don't ever do that again,
wife killer.

1397
01:12:54,302 --> 01:12:56,783
Now, now, Ricky.

1398
01:12:56,805 --> 01:12:58,216
That was never proven.

1399
01:13:00,376 --> 01:13:01,877
And it never will be.

1400
01:13:03,244 --> 01:13:05,384
Oh, come on.

1401
01:13:05,413 --> 01:13:07,621
We both know
a little restaurant manager like you

1402
01:13:07,649 --> 01:13:09,150
doesn't have the guts
to pull that trigger.

1403
01:13:09,184 --> 01:13:11,720
Yes, I... yes, I do.

1404
01:13:11,753 --> 01:13:14,859
That might have been more persuasive
without the stammering.

1405
01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:20,771
You know...

1406
01:13:20,796 --> 01:13:22,502
this has been hard, Ricky,

1407
01:13:22,530 --> 01:13:25,478
really hard,
going through this farce.

1408
01:13:25,501 --> 01:13:29,414
Eating with you, being friendly to you,
reading your book.

1409
01:13:29,438 --> 01:13:34,409
Yeah, I think that was the hardest part,
reading your book.

1410
01:13:34,443 --> 01:13:37,447
Yeah, it wasn't easy
to pretend that crap was good.

1411
01:13:37,479 --> 01:13:41,119
I mean, it was just awful!

1412
01:13:41,149 --> 01:13:43,858
Poorly written,
run-on sentences,

1413
01:13:43,886 --> 01:13:46,594
a clumsy attempt
at suspense and wit,

1414
01:13:46,622 --> 01:13:48,100
terrible pacing...

1415
01:14:06,942 --> 01:14:08,113
He's dead.

1416
01:14:11,313 --> 01:14:12,689
Holy shit!

1417
01:14:19,988 --> 01:14:21,432
You did it, dog.

1418
01:14:23,725 --> 01:14:24,896
Pound it.

1419
01:14:29,664 --> 01:14:31,167
Hey, Danita.
How's it going?

1420
01:14:32,201 --> 01:14:33,873
Okay.

1421
01:14:33,902 --> 01:14:35,404
Thanks for helping, Seth.

1422
01:14:35,436 --> 01:14:36,916
No problem.

1423
01:14:36,939 --> 01:14:39,215
You know, I got off work
a little early so... he's still alive!

1424
01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:41,345
Wait, no, sorry. False alarm.
No, that's just the wind.

1425
01:14:41,376 --> 01:14:43,150
He's still dead.

1426
01:14:49,685 --> 01:14:52,029
Okay.
You better go home.

1427
01:14:52,054 --> 01:14:53,965
You sure you don't want me
to help you dump the body?

1428
01:14:53,988 --> 01:14:56,662
Oh, honey, that is so sweet,
but everything has to look normal.

1429
01:14:56,692 --> 01:14:58,432
You've got to show everybody
you're home,

1430
01:14:58,460 --> 01:14:59,734
answer all your phone calls,

1431
01:14:59,761 --> 01:15:01,262
turn on a bunch of lights.

1432
01:15:01,296 --> 01:15:03,139
- I love you.
- I love you.

1433
01:15:03,164 --> 01:15:04,199
I love you more.

1434
01:15:04,233 --> 01:15:06,577
I love you more plus eight.

1435
01:15:12,673 --> 01:15:14,676
Don't... don't drive so fast.

1436
01:15:14,710 --> 01:15:16,087
You serious?
You just killed a guy.

1437
01:15:16,110 --> 01:15:17,488
Now you're worried
about a speeding ticket?

1438
01:15:17,512 --> 01:15:20,255
- I don't want a cop to stop us, idiot.
- Right, right, right.

1439
01:15:20,282 --> 01:15:22,956
I'm sorry, I'm just-I'm nervous.
Why am I so nervous?

1440
01:15:22,984 --> 01:15:26,056
There's a dead body in the trunk,
and you're an accountant.

1441
01:15:26,087 --> 01:15:28,625
You work at Debby's.
That's not that much more macho.

1442
01:15:28,657 --> 01:15:30,603
No, I didn't mean it as a dig.

1443
01:15:30,626 --> 01:15:32,662
Of course, you didn't.
That's not even-it's not a good dig.

1444
01:15:32,694 --> 01:15:34,765
I'm so nervous!
Okay, plan A.

1445
01:15:34,796 --> 01:15:36,900
We dump him in the ocean.

1446
01:15:36,931 --> 01:15:39,172
We have to rent a boat or something?

1447
01:15:39,201 --> 01:15:40,305
Why?

1448
01:15:40,335 --> 01:15:42,405
Well, we can't just place him
in the shallow end,

1449
01:15:42,436 --> 01:15:43,847
and you're not that great a swimmer.

1450
01:15:43,872 --> 01:15:45,748
Okay. I'm not... I'm not that bad.
I'm not that bad.

1451
01:15:45,774 --> 01:15:47,720
Well, I know, but you never
even used to go in the deep end.

1452
01:15:47,743 --> 01:15:50,154
All right, look,
I was accidentally dropped in a pool

1453
01:15:50,177 --> 01:15:51,555
by my mother when I was a baby.

1454
01:15:51,579 --> 01:15:53,820
- It was very traumatic.
- I know, I know, I'm sorry.

1455
01:15:53,849 --> 01:15:55,521
Oh, crap, it's after midnight.

1456
01:15:55,551 --> 01:15:58,190
We wouldn't even be able
to rent a boat even if we wanted to.

1457
01:15:58,220 --> 01:15:59,289
See?

1458
01:15:59,320 --> 01:16:01,561
I got it, I got it.
We'll dump him off a cliff.

1459
01:16:01,590 --> 01:16:03,899
No, we can't, right,
because you have a fear of heights.

1460
01:16:03,926 --> 01:16:05,997
- I apologize.
- Yeah, I almost fell off the roof

1461
01:16:06,028 --> 01:16:07,939
of my grandparents' condominium
when I was little.

1462
01:16:07,962 --> 01:16:09,340
I know.

1463
01:16:12,667 --> 01:16:13,840
Oh!

1464
01:16:17,439 --> 01:16:22,184
Sorry to put this murdering scum
beside you, Mr. Dead Movie Star.

1465
01:16:27,114 --> 01:16:28,320
Hey.

1466
01:16:30,085 --> 01:16:32,530
Hey.

1467
01:16:32,554 --> 01:16:33,623
Hey!

1468
01:16:33,654 --> 01:16:35,134
Oh, sorry, sorry.
What is it?

1469
01:16:35,157 --> 01:16:36,295
You okay, man?

1470
01:16:36,324 --> 01:16:38,032
Shit, man, you've been, like,
in your own world

1471
01:16:38,060 --> 01:16:40,596
- for the last two weeks.
- No, I'm fine. What is it?

1472
01:16:40,628 --> 01:16:42,609
That guy over there
wants to talk to you.

1473
01:16:43,998 --> 01:16:45,706
Jesus!

1474
01:16:47,202 --> 01:16:48,373
Uh, what does he want?

1475
01:16:48,403 --> 01:16:51,542
I don't know, man.
He wants to talk to you. Now.

1476
01:16:51,573 --> 01:16:54,349
Uh, okay, thanks.

1477
01:17:09,890 --> 01:17:12,804
Hello, Officer.
You, uh, you wanted to talk to me?

1478
01:17:14,462 --> 01:17:15,737
You Ricky Miller?

1479
01:17:15,764 --> 01:17:17,140
Yeah, yeah.

1480
01:17:17,164 --> 01:17:18,837
I got something I got to ask you.

1481
01:17:18,867 --> 01:17:21,779
Okay.

1482
01:17:21,802 --> 01:17:23,713
- You know this woman?
- No.

1483
01:17:25,806 --> 01:17:27,547
Oh, Oh.

1484
01:17:27,576 --> 01:17:30,146
Oh, wait, I do, I do.
That's... this is my Aunt Toby.

1485
01:17:30,177 --> 01:17:31,485
I knew it.

1486
01:17:31,512 --> 01:17:34,323
- Me and you are related, man.
- What?

1487
01:17:34,349 --> 01:17:36,453
Yeah.
Toby Miller, she's my aunt.

1488
01:17:36,484 --> 01:17:39,021
She mentioned she had
a nephew who ran a Debby's.

1489
01:17:39,054 --> 01:17:42,661
I know it's kind of lame, but I'm really
big into the family tree kind of thing.

1490
01:17:42,690 --> 01:17:46,104
No, no, no it's...
it is not dumb at all.

1491
01:17:46,127 --> 01:17:50,201
It is... it is great that you care
about family trees.

1492
01:17:50,231 --> 01:17:53,007
I mean, it's...
it's fucking fantastic.

1493
01:18:07,582 --> 01:18:09,823
Hi, honey, I'm home.

1494
01:18:09,850 --> 01:18:12,024
Ricky.

1495
01:18:12,054 --> 01:18:13,493
- I've missed you so much.
- Me, too.

1496
01:18:16,291 --> 01:18:19,067
It's been so hard
not even being able to text you.

1497
01:18:19,094 --> 01:18:21,005
I know, I know.
But we have to be careful.

1498
01:18:21,029 --> 01:18:22,804
That's why it was
so smart to meet here.

1499
01:18:22,831 --> 01:18:24,742
No one would expect
to find a Jew in here.

1500
01:18:24,765 --> 01:18:26,211
You're Jewish?

1501
01:18:26,234 --> 01:18:27,837
No, I thought you were.

1502
01:18:27,868 --> 01:18:29,779
You know,
'cause you were married to the...

1503
01:18:29,805 --> 01:18:32,614
Oh, no, no, no.
He was a rabbi who liked shiksas.

1504
01:18:32,640 --> 01:18:34,244
And he also ate pork.

1505
01:18:36,511 --> 01:18:38,684
The police
have been questioning me.

1506
01:18:38,713 --> 01:18:39,818
Why?

1507
01:18:39,847 --> 01:18:41,793
I think they always suspect
the spouse first.

1508
01:18:41,817 --> 01:18:45,390
At least they do on "43 Hours"
and "American Justice."

1509
01:18:45,420 --> 01:18:46,762
Wait, you watch
those shows, too?

1510
01:18:46,787 --> 01:18:49,234
Oh, those are my
two favorite shows on TV.

1511
01:18:49,256 --> 01:18:51,737
Wait, have you seen "True Crime
with Aphrodite Jones"?

1512
01:18:51,760 --> 01:18:53,238
Shut up! I love that!

1513
01:18:56,497 --> 01:18:58,944
It is bat-shit crazy
how much we have in common.

1514
01:18:58,966 --> 01:19:00,810
I love you so much, baby.

1515
01:19:00,836 --> 01:19:04,010
I love you more plus...
wait, what are we at?

1516
01:19:04,038 --> 01:19:06,645
- 19.
- 19. 20.

1517
01:19:10,444 --> 01:19:12,550
So what do you think?

1518
01:19:13,782 --> 01:19:15,261
- I don't know.
- Come on, hog.

1519
01:19:15,283 --> 01:19:16,853
I'm getting married on Saturday.
I wanna look dapper.

1520
01:19:16,885 --> 01:19:18,125
- Which one?
- Oh, sorry.

1521
01:19:18,153 --> 01:19:19,826
Um, that one.

1522
01:19:19,854 --> 01:19:21,561
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I thought so, too.

1523
01:19:21,590 --> 01:19:25,332
It's definitely the better...
less blue... good.

1524
01:19:25,359 --> 01:19:26,737
So, hey, where's Danita?

1525
01:19:26,761 --> 01:19:28,707
I've been trying to get ahold of her
to invite her to the wedding.

1526
01:19:28,729 --> 01:19:30,265
You can't invite her.

1527
01:19:30,297 --> 01:19:31,537
I have to invite her.
She's your girlfriend.

1528
01:19:31,565 --> 01:19:33,944
Are you insane?
We can't be seen together.

1529
01:19:33,969 --> 01:19:36,813
All right, all right, relax.
I couldn't get a hold of her anyway.

1530
01:19:36,837 --> 01:19:38,442
She probably
changed her number.

1531
01:19:38,472 --> 01:19:40,645
Then I went to her house,
and her neighbor said

1532
01:19:40,675 --> 01:19:41,813
that she saw her leaving
with a bunch of suitcases.

1533
01:19:41,842 --> 01:19:43,082
Where's she going, man?

1534
01:19:46,515 --> 01:19:49,154
Oh, shit, you...
you knew that, right?

1535
01:20:16,711 --> 01:20:17,814
Hey. guys.

1536
01:20:17,845 --> 01:20:19,984
Hey, Ricky.

1537
01:20:20,015 --> 01:20:22,221
There he is, huh?

1538
01:20:22,250 --> 01:20:25,230
It's Saturday night,
and you're gonna do it.

1539
01:20:25,252 --> 01:20:28,529
Time for you to get paid and laid
and find yourself a soul mate, huh?

1540
01:20:28,556 --> 01:20:29,934
No.

1541
01:20:29,957 --> 01:20:32,268
I already got hit by lightning
and found a soul mate.

1542
01:20:32,293 --> 01:20:34,604
Now it's time
to get killed by a terrorist.

1543
01:20:34,628 --> 01:20:37,404
Oh, come on, Ricky,
you'll meet someone else.

1544
01:20:37,431 --> 01:20:42,039
Look, it took me
over 40 years to find the first one.

1545
01:20:42,069 --> 01:20:44,948
Now it'll take at least that.

1546
01:20:44,972 --> 01:20:46,042
By then I'll be in hell.

1547
01:20:46,073 --> 01:20:48,884
That's not true.
You're such a sweet man, Ricky.

1548
01:20:48,909 --> 01:20:51,015
And why would you ever
go to hell?

1549
01:20:51,046 --> 01:20:54,185
God...

1550
01:20:54,216 --> 01:20:56,457
I can't keep this in anymore.

1551
01:20:56,484 --> 01:20:57,929
About nine months ago...

1552
01:20:57,953 --> 01:20:59,363
He stole a Snapple.

1553
01:21:00,755 --> 01:21:03,735
From the grocery store.
He stole a Snapple.

1554
01:21:03,757 --> 01:21:06,038
He's been bent up about it ever since.
Haven't you, Ricky?

1555
01:21:06,060 --> 01:21:08,131
The Snapple that you stole
from the store.

1556
01:21:10,998 --> 01:21:12,841
Yeah, I stole a Snapple.

1557
01:21:14,836 --> 01:21:17,180
Just for the thrill.

1558
01:21:25,046 --> 01:21:26,149
Hey!

1559
01:21:28,048 --> 01:21:29,585
Hey, cuz!

1560
01:21:34,288 --> 01:21:35,563
Hey.

1561
01:21:35,590 --> 01:21:38,399
Hey. Good to see you again.

1562
01:21:38,426 --> 01:21:39,529
How's it going?

1563
01:21:39,560 --> 01:21:42,097
- Not bad, can't complain.
- How's work?

1564
01:21:42,130 --> 01:21:44,837
Well, you know.
So how's work for you?

1565
01:21:44,865 --> 01:21:46,310
Interesting.

1566
01:21:46,333 --> 01:21:50,305
I was at the station before
when a serial killer came in

1567
01:21:50,337 --> 01:21:52,375
and confessed
to a bunch of murders.

1568
01:21:52,407 --> 01:21:55,114
And he even confessed
to killing that guy... what's his name?

1569
01:21:55,143 --> 01:21:57,748
The author who died last year.

1570
01:21:57,779 --> 01:21:59,155
Ben Jacobs?

1571
01:22:00,948 --> 01:22:03,828
I... I believe was...
was his name.

1572
01:22:03,851 --> 01:22:06,627
There, there were
those articles on the internet.

1573
01:22:06,654 --> 01:22:09,693
Ben Jacobs, that's it.
Yeah.

1574
01:22:12,193 --> 01:22:14,332
So...
so someone confessed?

1575
01:22:14,362 --> 01:22:15,533
Yeah.

1576
01:22:17,265 --> 01:22:18,436
Holy shit.

1577
01:22:18,466 --> 01:22:19,809
Yeah.

1578
01:22:19,833 --> 01:22:22,144
I'll tell you,
you get these nut jobs that come in,

1579
01:22:22,170 --> 01:22:24,844
they confess to murders
they didn't even commit, but this guy,

1580
01:22:24,872 --> 01:22:26,216
really convincing.

1581
01:22:26,240 --> 01:22:28,278
Yeah, I wasn't even there,
and I believe him.

1582
01:22:28,310 --> 01:22:32,280
So we arrested him,
and I hope the bastard fries.

1583
01:22:33,448 --> 01:22:36,327
I hope he fries and they...
they hang him.

1584
01:22:36,350 --> 01:22:38,159
That's a little excessive, cuz.

1585
01:22:38,185 --> 01:22:39,893
Holy shit.

1586
01:22:50,465 --> 01:22:52,444
You again, God?

1587
01:22:52,466 --> 01:22:55,573
Oh, that was so sweet.

1588
01:22:55,603 --> 01:22:57,878
Uh, and a little sick.

1589
01:22:58,907 --> 01:23:02,444
Why would you let an innocent...
serial killer

1590
01:23:02,476 --> 01:23:04,422
get punished for something I did?

1591
01:23:06,448 --> 01:23:08,121
My life is over anyway.

1592
01:23:18,025 --> 01:23:20,198
You like "Lost in America," too?

1593
01:23:22,596 --> 01:23:24,439
Oh, my God.

1594
01:23:24,466 --> 01:23:26,309
You must have hated me.

1595
01:23:26,333 --> 01:23:30,282
You must have thought I ran away
and that I'd never come back.

1596
01:23:30,305 --> 01:23:34,377
Yeah, it kind of
crossed my mind.

1597
01:23:34,408 --> 01:23:37,618
The police were starting
to suspect me more and more.

1598
01:23:37,645 --> 01:23:41,649
So I ditched my phone
and any record of you.

1599
01:23:41,682 --> 01:23:44,561
I knew we wouldn't be able
to stay away from each other.

1600
01:23:44,586 --> 01:23:48,556
So I just got on a plane
and flew halfway around the world

1601
01:23:48,590 --> 01:23:52,402
and just kept on flying
and kept on running, and...

1602
01:23:55,529 --> 01:23:59,478
Then I heard something on the news
about a killer

1603
01:23:59,501 --> 01:24:03,573
who was arrested back in America
for the murder of Ben Jacobs.

1604
01:24:03,604 --> 01:24:06,814
I'm pretty sure he's innocent.

1605
01:24:06,841 --> 01:24:09,720
Me, too.

1606
01:24:09,743 --> 01:24:12,054
The police seem
to believe him, though.

1607
01:24:13,280 --> 01:24:14,725
It's crazy.

1608
01:24:14,748 --> 01:24:16,989
How could this happen?

1609
01:24:18,685 --> 01:24:21,292
I pray to a deranged deity.

1610
01:24:24,391 --> 01:24:26,269
I'm so sorry, Ricky.

1611
01:24:28,796 --> 01:24:31,743
You must have thought
I was one of those, you know,

1612
01:24:31,765 --> 01:24:35,612
movie bitches,
like Seth kept warning you about.

1613
01:24:35,636 --> 01:24:39,140
No, no, I could never think
you're one of those bitches, never.

1614
01:24:40,574 --> 01:24:42,918
Okay, maybe a few time...

1615
01:24:42,944 --> 01:24:47,359
okay, several times
in my smallest, darkest moments.

1616
01:24:48,949 --> 01:24:50,485
Oh, my God, I love you.

1617
01:24:52,052 --> 01:24:54,693
I love you more plus infinity.

1618
01:24:55,789 --> 01:24:58,497
I love you more
plus double infinity.

1619
01:24:58,525 --> 01:25:02,439
I love you more plus triple...

1620
01:25:02,463 --> 01:25:05,307
oh, holy shit-balls, you win.

1621
01:25:13,841 --> 01:25:16,082
I was a widow.

1622
01:25:16,110 --> 01:25:19,182
And I thought it was too late
to meet a soul mate,

1623
01:25:19,213 --> 01:25:22,057
that I'd have a better chance
of getting hit by lightning.

1624
01:25:22,082 --> 01:25:25,222
Then one day,
the perfect guy appeared.

1625
01:25:25,252 --> 01:25:30,395
I used to work here,
but then I met Danita,

1626
01:25:30,425 --> 01:25:33,872
my inspiration,
my... my muse.

1627
01:25:33,895 --> 01:25:36,431
And now I've written
two bestsellers,

1628
01:25:36,463 --> 01:25:38,944
and one of them might even
be made into a movie.

1629
01:25:40,702 --> 01:25:42,511
With Ashton Kutcher.

1630
01:25:45,006 --> 01:25:47,452
And he's gotten me
to start painting again, too.

1631
01:25:47,475 --> 01:25:52,150
We both love cats
and hockey and Albert Brooks

1632
01:25:52,180 --> 01:25:55,217
and going out
to romantic places.

1633
01:25:55,250 --> 01:25:58,197
Though we do tend to disagree
from time to time...

1634
01:25:58,219 --> 01:26:00,664
About who loves who more.

1635
01:26:04,792 --> 01:26:06,362
Fuck you, Ricky and Danita.

1636
01:26:07,795 --> 01:26:10,798
<i>I'</i>

1637
01:26:29,817 --> 01:26:32,319
♪ Every heart ♪

1638
01:26:32,353 --> 01:26:34,332
♪ Needs a heart-her ♪

1639
01:26:35,756 --> 01:26:39,899
♪ To love and to be loved ♪

1640
01:26:41,362 --> 01:26:45,037
♪ I've waited all my life ♪

1641
01:26:47,167 --> 01:26:50,911
♪ Just for you ♪

1642
01:26:52,439 --> 01:26:53,543
♪ Don't give up ♪

1643
01:26:54,576 --> 01:26:56,715
♪ You will find her ♪

1644
01:26:57,845 --> 01:26:59,688
♪ Close your eyes ♪

1645
01:26:59,713 --> 01:27:02,489
♪ Just imagine ♪

1646
01:27:03,484 --> 01:27:04,757
<i>.' She's the one .'</i>

1647
01:27:04,786 --> 01:27:07,528
♪ The only one ♪

1648
01:27:09,390 --> 01:27:13,202
♪ Just for you ♪

1649
01:27:15,029 --> 01:27:19,569
♪ Climb every mountain ♪

1650
01:27:20,702 --> 01:27:24,114
♪ Fly across the world ♪

1651
01:27:25,840 --> 01:27:27,979
♪ She is close ♪

1652
01:27:28,009 --> 01:27:31,820
♪ If you believe and ♪

1653
01:27:31,845 --> 01:27:36,988
♪ Open your eyes and feel ♪

1654
01:27:37,018 --> 01:27:41,762
♪ She is here and she is real ♪

1655
01:27:45,525 --> 01:27:47,471
♪ A best friend ♪

1656
01:27:47,494 --> 01:27:49,600
♪ She's understanding ♪

1657
01:27:51,131 --> 01:27:55,204
♪ An angel
that never stops giving ♪

1658
01:27:56,970 --> 01:28:02,113
♪ Hold her, never let her go ♪

1659
01:28:02,143 --> 01:28:05,146
♪ She loves you,
she loves you... ♪

1660
01:28:05,179 --> 01:28:06,920
She loves you.

1661
01:28:07,914 --> 01:28:12,091
♪ You smile
when you're beside her ♪

1662
01:28:13,154 --> 01:28:18,126
♪ Her eyes shine only for you ♪

1663
01:28:19,260 --> 01:28:22,729
♪ Love has found its way ♪

1664
01:28:24,666 --> 01:28:29,239
♪ Love is here to stay ♪

1665
01:28:30,537 --> 01:28:34,747
♪ Climb every mountain ♪

1666
01:28:35,943 --> 01:28:41,188
♪ Fly across the world ♪

1667
01:28:41,215 --> 01:28:43,559
♪ She is close ♪

1668
01:28:43,583 --> 01:28:45,962
♪ Right beside you ♪

1669
01:28:47,188 --> 01:28:52,432
♪ Open your eyes and feel ♪

1670
01:28:52,460 --> 01:28:57,533
♪ She is here,
and she is real. ♪