Subtitled by Subscene (Divxstation)
- I don't have custody of the kids. - Yeah.
- You know what? - I don't get custody.
It is an insane pathetic joke, what I've had to go through.
Right now, right now she doesn't know where the kids are, do you?
- Do not talk about me as a mother. - Are they at home?
I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother
- and what I've done wrong! - They at your sister's? Where...
they're probably at a firehouse somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off
- with a fireman, you know? - Do not talk about that!
I am sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother!
- Are they at home? Are they at home? - Seven years I've been a good mother!
A perfect mother? I can't have custody.
Just remember when we went out. Just remember how you...
Right now. Where is Tim right fucking now?
Don't you talk about me being a mother. I hate you!
Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
- I told you this was a bad idea. - You know what, Ken?
A bad idea would be to let your client walk outta here today and drag
this thing out for another year, wasting more time and wasting more money.
The only good idea is to let me and John do our job
- and mediate this thing right here. - You wanna hear the crazy thing?
I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress.
- Mm-hmm. - We settled the deal with the cars.
Let's see, that takes us to frequent flyer miles. We're flying!
- Those are mine. - I want them.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split 'em right down the middle.
- How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger? - It would be no-not good at all!
- I earned those miles! - Yeah, you earned them flying
- to Denver to meet your whore. - Oh, Lord.
Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually
- if that's what you mean. - She's a stripper, for God's sake!
- She is not! - Her name is Chastity!
She is white trash! Same as you.
Hillbilly!
That's it, go comatose for me, baby.
You shut your mouth when you're talkin' to me!
Hold it. This is getting confusing.
You didn't always hate each other.
There had to be some nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?
- Or the wedding? - The wedding had to be fun!
- You have your families together. - You have your decorations.
Families coming together. That's a nice moment.
- What'd you have to eat? - Crab cakes.
Are you kidding me? Crab c... how could you not have a good time
- eating crab cakes? I love 'em. - Crab cakes, I love crab cakes.
- They're phenomenal. - And did you have a band?
- Did you have a band? Good or bad? - Yeah.
Who gives a shit? It's a great band, it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.
- It's good no matter what. - That's true. You got them...
- There's music in the air! ...playing "Shout" and you hate it.
- Yeah. # Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey # - # A little bit softer now #
- # Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey # - # Shout now, jump up and shout now. #
It's a good time, do you know what I mean?
- Yeah. - Rubbin' up against each other,
just a couple of kids who like to fuck, trying to make it honest. I get it.
Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.
It's not realistic, it's crazy! Hey, don't do this
for the other person. It's about saying yes to yourself
- and saying yes to your future. - Say yes.
And have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love
to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance,
grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.
And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity
without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?
- God, wouldn't that be sweet? - Wouldn't that be nice?
And have some Latin guy sweating all over you,
talking to you in languages you don't understand,
- needing you, wanting you, taking you? - All we're trying to say is,
put your swords away for a second.
Let's finish this and let's move on.
Get out there and get some strange ass.
Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?
Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.
Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.
He can have the miles.
Nah, sweetie, you take the miles.
Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done!
This is just semantics. If you guys want to throw a couple miles at us,
we'll take a couple. The big this is, is that we're all movin' on.
Could you two just not talk anymore?
Oh, good, you got it. Is it 100% goose down?
- Yes. Why do you need this? - Are you sure?
I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Okay, that's not creepy.
I guess it is a little creepy
when a young man who happens to be an only child
loses both of his parents in a tragic accident
one month before his birthday
and then has a best friend make a vow
that he will never spend his birthday alone again.
Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. - No, you're really sweet.
I've got the perfect girl for you.
Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager
to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation
that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling.
You're sitting there, you're wondering, "Do I have food on my face?
Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested?
I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested?
But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested.
But do I want to be interested? But now she's not interested."
So now, all of sudden I'm... I'm starting to get interested.
And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door?
'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night."
Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this,
and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close.
Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all?
It's very difficult trying to read the situation and all the while
you're just really wondering, "Are we gonna get hopped enough to make
some bad decisions?" And perhaps play a little game called "Just the Tip."
Just for a second, just to see how it feels,
- or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair." - Okay.
Okay, can... can you... can you put that so he... he can't see it?
And thank you. Hey, Janice. Great talk.
John?
I gotta see you right away, it's important.
What's going on?
We've got three really big weeks ahead of us.
It's wedding season, kid!
You sandbagging son of a bitch!
I got us down for 17 of them already.
Okay, now, how many of 'em are cash bars?
Great question, love where your head's at, and two of 'em actually are.
But... I got us covered.
Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.
Oh yeah, perfect.
We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies
that are so aroused by the thought of marriage,
that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
And who's gonna be there to catch 'em?
Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season?
- Mr. Grey. - Yes, um, the answer would be, um...
- wedding season? - Bingo.
I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now who are we this time?
Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
Oh, stop.
And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years,
we honor the eternal bond
that stretches through the ages.
I have known this couple for many years.
Deborah I've actually known for her entire life.
I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospital,
and I was there the day she graduated from medical school.
Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah,
which those of you who were there
know it was not a very pretty sight.
But he has pulled himself together nicely,
and he's grown into a remarkable young man himself.
- Okay. - He never got the courage
to ask her out, until 10 years later. Josh was in the emergency room,
and he saw Debra again
- and he said to himself... - Hi.
"Wait! That's the girl I'm going to marry!"
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Mazel tov!
Mazel tov, baby! From my family to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.
# Hava nagila #
# Hava nagila, ba ba ba! #
Oh my.
You sly son of a bitch.
# Nagila, hava nagila ve'nismecha #
# Hava nagila, hava... #
Does anyone know what this here is used for?
- Rolling a fatty. - No, not...
not for... where'd you learn that?
You want to get a whole combination.
You gotta get the frostings in the middle and on the other end.
- # Ba-ba ba ba # - That's it, that's it, that's it,
that's it! Come on!
You both look beautiful up there today,
particularly Debbie in that white dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow,
I don't think you're gonna be able to get away with wearing a white dress.
Here, I'll just pick this off,
I'll go grab another piece. That's it.
- Ooh! - Whoa.
In the words of the old country...
- L'chaim! - L'chaim!
Come here!
I want you to take this note, bring it to that blonde girl.
Hurry, 'cause I'm gonna time you. Go!
Hi.
Who gave this to you?
You know, I saw you at the wedding.
- And? - You were crying.
Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that.
Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
No, you were so sweet. Come here.
Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter,
- but that's not why I did it. - Weren't you scared?
Can I say yes?
- Sanjay Collins. - Chuck Vindaloo,
excited to be here.
- Shamus O'Toole. - Bobby O'Shea.
- And we're gonna get drunk. - Ha-ha!
# Keep it comin', love, keep it comin', love... #
- Who is that? - Uh, him.
Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.
- Who is that? - That's Luigi and Gina's
son Christopher. You know, the banker.
Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.
The French Foreign Legion?
Yeah. We lost a lot of good men out there.
Wow, really? Mount Everest?
I just don't like to talk about it
because we lost so many good men out there.
Oh!
Lost so many good men out there.
Playing with the Yankees?
Yes, with the Yankees.
You lose good men to trades and unruly fans.
L... look, I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry.
Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull's-eye.
You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains?
- Mmm. - I think we only use 10% of our hearts.
I feel so tiny in your arms.
Really? How tall are you?
I'm 6'5", but...
I feel like I'm four feet.
And some poetry,
courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.
# You've been so good to me #
# You know you make me wanna shout #
# Kick my heels up and shout #
# Throw my head back and shout! #
- # Kick my heels up and shout! # - Yeah!
- # Come on now, take it easy # - # Shout! Shout! #
- # Take it easy! Shout! # - # Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
- # Hey-ay-ay-ay! # - # All right #
- # Shout! Shout! # - # All right #
- # Shout! Shout! Shout! # - # All right! All right! #
- The bride! - # Now, wait a minute... #
All right let's go, let's go, let's make a memory!
What are you gonna do for an encore? Walk on water?
Great guy. He brung me along, too.
Jesus. Come on! Get in there. You can do it!
You want that cake! You don't treat cake like that.
- You gotta treat cake like a lady. - Give her a kiss. Look at that.
Oh my God, in front of all of 'em!
Ba ba ba. Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho!
And then everyone said, "Jabroni!"
Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!
Hop in.
Now spread it around on each other.
We need a picture of this They're crazy!
Bacio! Bacio!
Time to party! Time to party!
Come on, we need a picture. Get a picture.
# You've been so good to me #
# You know you make me want to shout! #
# Lift my heels up and shout! #
# Throw my head back and shout! #
# Kick my heels up and shout! Come on now! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay- ay-ay! #
- # Hey-ay-ay-ay! # - Ooh.
- Hot. - # Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Hey-ay-ay-ay! #
# Shout now! Jump up and shout now! #
# Jump up and shout now! #
# Jump up and shout now #
# Everybody shout now, everybody shout now #
# Everybody shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout, oh, shout #
# Whoa! Shout! #
# Oh! Shout shout shout shout! #
# Shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Oh! Shout! Come on, come on and shout! #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout #
# Shout shout shout shout! #
Oh, no no.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.
It's Vivian.
Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
I hope just 50, but who knows?
Ah.
Bet that blonde was a real shot of life.
Yeah, real shot.
You don't think we're being...
I don't want to say sleazy, 'cause that's not the right word,
but a little irresponsible, maybe?
No!
One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh,
say we were young and stupid.
Yeah.
A couple of dumb kids running around.
We're not that young.
Hell of a season, pal.
Hell of a season.
Oh! Baba ganoush.
What do we got?
Christmas come early.
- Secretary Cleary? - The Secretary of the Treasury.
The guy you loved since business school. Don't thank me.
I don't know. I mean, I thought the season was over.
I was looking forward to kinda taking a break for a little bit.
John, what are you talking about?
This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.
It's the Clearys. They're an American institution.
Pal, there's gonna be over 200 single women at this wedding.
Not to mention, if you look here, they've got three live bands,
they got oysters, snacks, phenomenal finger food.
I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse.
Oh, please don't take a turn to negative town.
What are you talking about? Who's getting negative?
Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were sitting and sulking in the corner.
I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.
Rule #6:
Do not sit in the corner and sulk:
It draws attention to you in a negative way.
Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Please don't quote the rules to me, I know them.
When Chaz Reinhold passed the sacred rules of wedding crashing onto us
12 years ago, he gave us a legacy.
You make it sound like a cult, okay?
And from everything you've told me about Chaz, he sounds like a kook!
You bite your tongue. Chaz Reinhold is not a kook!
He is a brave and a decent man. He is a pioneer!
He lived with his mother till he was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Erroneous! Erroneous.
Erroneous on both counts!
- Oh, Lord. Here we go again. - What you should be worried about
is not Chaz Reinhold, who is in the hall of fame.
What you should be worried about is you're getting sloppy.
Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a limb
and try to pull off the greatest crash of all time,
I gotta know that your head's right.
There is no room for error.
Secret Service. Consequences.
I love your enthusiasm.
If I do this, I don't wanna half-ass it.
I want it well planned.
He's back!
All right, partner. We'll start scheming tonight, okay?
- Sounds good. - If you need me, I'll be on line six.
Okay.
Could be fun.
- Wow. - Mr. Senator.
- Congratulations, Kathleen. - Thank you.
- Bill, congratulations. - Thank you, Senator.
Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
That's the truth.
- Okay. Let's do our pregame. - What do you got?
A few articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies.
There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.
- Sailing? - Sailing's like sex to these people.
- They love it. - Harvard, Kennedy School of Government,
Mom's big with charities, blah blah blah.
Three daughters, one son. I get it. Good work.
Good.
Let me see that again, please.
Handsome.
Okay, what's our back story?
We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.
I'm sick of that!
Let's be from Vermont
and let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup.
I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes.
I love it on pizza. I like to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair
when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
It's the first quarter of the big game and you want to toss up a Hail Mary!
I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona,
but it's not Halloween! Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!
Look, we been to a million weddings.
And guess what? We've rocked 'em all!
Great day.
- The Eagle has landed. - The big show.
Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat.
I like that.
No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.
Yeah?
The proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit outta me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?
I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.
- Tourette's. - Frank Myers.
John Ryan. Say hello to my brother Jeremy.
Hi, how are you? So, um, how do you know the groom?
- We are Uncle Ned's kids. - Mm-hmm.
Uncle Ned.
- Is he Liz's brother? - Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
How is everybody?
Well, Dad kinda putters around the house.
Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.
Uh, yeah, I know. Uh, ah...
she's dead.
From the grave.
She sends her best from the grave.
We've become extremely spiritual
- ever since she passed. - I see.
But thank you so much for your kindness, brother.
Lord knows we need family now more than ever.
- You're welcome. - Thank you.
How many times are you gonna do this shit?
Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative
unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
Rule 16: Give me an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Rule #76: No excuses, play like a champion.
Hello, Red.
- Dibs. - She's all yours.
I ain't gonna fight you.
I think we've got a crier.
- No shot. - $20.
- Make it 40. - Done.
Oh, are you kidding me?
It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.
And now for our next reading,
I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria
up to the lectern.
$20, 1 Corinthians.
Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.
And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.
"Love is patient, love is kind."
As you all know, Craig and Christina
are quite the sailing enthusiasts.
In that light,
they have elected to exchange vows
which they themselves have written.
The ring.
I, Craig,
take you, Christina, to be my wife,
my best friend and my first mate...
through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.
I, Christina, take you, Craig,
to be my best friend,
and my captain...
to be your anchor and your sail...
Well, this is a first.
...your starboard and your port.
And now I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the first mate.
Sorry, just... just a sampler.
Told you this would be classy, right?
Yes, you did, class, first class all the way. You were not lying.
Class class class.
They've got some kind of seasoning on here.
It must be sprinkled.
Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party.
I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
If you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some
- 'cause I love the crab cakes. - Consider it done.
- Fondue set. - Excuse me?
The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set.
- John Ryan. - Claire Cleary.
Uh, so how do you know that?
Well... I'm a psychic.
You're psychic? Really?
Yes.
- What's that one? - Knife set. German. Very nice.
Hmm. And that?
- Cotton linens, Egyptian. - Ooh.
- What about that? - Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings,
candlesticks, crystal stemware which they'll probably never use
'cause it's... crystal stemware.
- Okay, how about that? - This...
uh... massage oils and a book on tantra
from the wacky aunt.
Let's check.
- Who's it from? - Aunt Millie.
- Yes! - Well, you... you have a gift.
I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Well, you know, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker
you could, um, give 'em a hand.
- Claire, we need you for pictures. - Oh, okay.
- Who's your friend? - This is John Ryan.
Could I just have one more of the samplers here?
- Good. - What have we got?
Come back with some more stuff.
That's good, though. These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.
Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.
Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl
you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?
- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked. - No, no, don't panic.
We're gonna do #10 from the playbook. Here she comes.
Shlomo? I thought you were
renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal.
Shlomo, don't you remember me?
Oh my God, you didn't hear.
I'm so sorry.
Shlomo had a scuba diving accident.
Yeah, he came up too fast,
and the oxygen deprivation...
poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother.
I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
You poor thing!
He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident.
So you're here for the Clearys' wedding?
Oh, yes, yes,
but I-I have to leave.
- I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but... - Oh, you have to leave?
- Yes. - Oh, okay.
I could hang out for a few minutes.
Oh, actually, that won't be necessary.
Shlomo would now like me to take him
to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes.
So, yeah, no, that's o...
okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you
to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
You know what? Here is my number.
If there is anything I can do to help...
Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us.
We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
Doctor.
She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle.
I turned a corner. She's a part of it.
People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.
Okay, so what angle you gonna play here?
I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids,
and then when she comes close to check it out, guess who's a broken man?
- Haunted past, that's it. - Haunted past. Excellent.
- How about you? - I'm gonna dance with the little flower girl
- It's all deadly. - Yes.
I'll see you in a little.
Final touch. There it is.
One happy elephant. All right.
Who else wants something?
I want a bicycle.
A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons
and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now
so why don't we do something like, uh... let's say a giraffe?
I just want a bicycle!
Why-why are you yelling at me?
Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!
I'm gonna make you a bicycle.
But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!
Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.
I think I'm up to the challenge.
All right, will you save me a dance for later?
- Maybe. - Okay.
Go on, take it, you hyena.
Don't say thank you.
Hi. You're good.
That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a, uh,
exact replica of... to scale... of Wrigley Field.
- Ha! - Honest to God.
- I don't have anywhere to put it. - Okay, then I'll take a sportscar.
How about a dance?
That's what I really wanted.
So how long have you and the Secretary been married?
30 years next April.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.
- Hmm? - Enjoy the party.
Thanks.
Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.
- Hi, John. - I just wanted to tell you how much
I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
You've read my position paper?
I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
A sailor?
- Good man, take a seat. - Oh, thanks.
You didn't happen to catch my speech
on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?
Are you kidding me? I thought it was great.
Your argument for the inverse ratio
of capitalization to debt was genius.
Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.
Yes! Well put. "Shortsighted."
John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck
- and light up a couple of cigars? - Stogies?
- Yeah. - Why not?
It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there.
I'm sorry.
Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air.
Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you.
I wish I were stronger.
Jeremy!
Jeremy, wait up!
- John, you seem like an astute man. - Thank you.
Maybe you can help explain something to me.
You see that young man out there on the dock?
- Sure. - That's my son Todd.
22 years old, the whole world in front of him,
every advantage in life,
advantages I never had...
that's not exactly true.
He had the same advantages I had,
which is a hell of a lot of advantages.
So here's my question.
What's he got to be so morose about?
Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.
Oh, he says he believes in art,
but all I've seen him do is
dribble his own blood on a canvas
and smear it around with a stick!
You know, some people call that art.
It's crap!
Whatever happened to public service,
obligation to our fellow man?
Well, maybe he's...
maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path,
I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
Yeah.
Well, perhaps...
I should take it easy on him.
Perhaps.
Death, you are my bitch lover!
Todd, that's good!
Tell that mean ocean!
Oh, uh...
It's a start.
So you dove into the icy water?
I mean, why would a man risk his own life
for the life of a complete stranger?
The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer,
he said, at that moment
when a human sees another human in danger,
that there's this breaking in
of metaphysical awareness.
Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
- What? - That we're all one.
That separateness is
an illusion,
and that I'm one with everyone...
with the Prime Minister of England,
and my cousin Harry,
you and me,
the fat kid from "What's Happening!!"
The Olsen twins,
Natalie Portman,
the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye,"
Nat King Cole,
Carrot Top
Jay-Z,
- Weird Al Yankovic... - Hmm.
Harry Potter, if he existed,
the whore on the street corner,
your mother...
- we're all one. - We are?
That my hands are your hands...
Oh...
and that my cheek...
is really your cheek,
and that my lips...
...are my lips.
According to Mr. Schopenhauer,
they are.
Well, the guy wants to run for President.
Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
He thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
Well, that's what I need. Claire...
Sorry to interrupt.
- Um, Christina wants to talk to you. - Fun's over.
- Yeah. - Funny.
- Franklin! - What a great guy.
You are a big hit at this wedding.
Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.
- They're all full of shit. - What?
Half of these people are here because of my dad.
They're all just, you know, suckling at the power teat.
No no. Come on, they're here because
they want to believe they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings, 'cause they wanna believe in true love.
What's true love?
True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Well, it's a little cheesy, but... I like it.
Uh, I saw it on a bumper sticker.
- So, you gonna give a toast? - Yes.
- Nervous? - Mm... little bit. Um...
What are you gonna say?
Would you?
You keep it in your cleavage.
Nowhere else to put it.
Normally, I'm not very good at these things,
but I-I think this one's pretty good.
"I never thought my sister would find someone
who cared about what other people thought as much as she did...
- until I met Craig"? - Yes!
That's funny! That's funny because it's true. You know, people like funny.
I know. But the whole funny-because-it's-true bit
only works if the truth is a small thing
like "Everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop," Ha ha ha.
I think you're better off going with something from the heart, honestly.
I think that people are gonna like this.
I think you're gonna hear crickets.
- I thing you're wrong. - Sounds of silence.
- Nope. - Okay, go walk the plank.
- Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it. - Go ahead.
Hey, meet me at the back of the room.
I'll be the guy waiting to say "I told you so."
Good luck!
And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,
um, Craig... oh, Craig.
Craig was the only one who still believed in me.
Been sober now for eight months.
And uh...
I thank God every day,
for sending me a friend like Craig.
I love you, man.
I never thought that my sister would find someone
who cared about what other people thought
as much as she did until I met Craig.
Uh...
Um... as you all know,
my sister and Craig are both lawyers
at big law firms in New York.
But that's not the only thing they have in common.
Um, they both like the color green
like Craig's eyes and money.
Um, uh...
you know, someone once told me that
true love is
the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something to be valued.
And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
Uh, congratulations, Chris.
Ah! That was amazing!
It was really great.
We should probably head back so they're not lookin' for us.
I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
First time?
- You were a virgin? - Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Jeremy, we're gonna be so happy together.
I love you.
- I'm sorry? - I love you!
- You totally saved me. - No.
- Yes. - Claire, come on. Come here.
Mm!
Oh, baby, you were awesome.
- No. - Listen to me, awesome.
Okay.
Uh, John, this is... this is my boyfriend, Sack.
- Hey, fella. - How you doing?
Listen, we've gotta go meet the Schreibers.
Okay, was great to meet you. Thank you!
Boom, I gotcha!
Oh, great! Good to see you.
I've been looking all over for you. I gotta get outta here pronto,
- I've got a Stage Five clinger. - No no, I need more time.
Did you hear what I just said to you?
Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger? Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
I'm serious, let's go.
I don't think that you're appreciating the urgency here.
Not only is she a virgin, she's totally off the reservation.
I'm terrified of this broad.
- Here you are! - Hey! Gloria, wow!
What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises.
- This is John Ryan. - Oh, hi.
- Yeah. - So my family and a few friends,
we're all going back to our little place on the shore and it would be
- so great if you guys came. - Really?
- Sounds sort of wonderful. - I am...
well it does, it sounds... it sounds very nice.
But-but and I'm flattered that you would
even think of me to include me in something like that, Gloria. Thank you.
It kills me however to have to tell you I'm sorry, I just... timing's no good.
- I won't be able to make it. - Why?
- It's gonna be so much fun! - It's gonna be so much fun!
I'm sure it will be fun for the... for the people that are going.
I-I unfortunately can't go. I-I don't have, um...
I only have this monkey suit.
- I don't have any clothes. - No, we have everything you need.
- Problem solved. Problem solved! - The problem's not solved.
- Deal us in.
Oh, cool cool cool! I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!
Hey, don't ask your dad! Don't ask your dad! Don't...
- The train's going. We gotta get on. - That's true. Why don't... why don't you
- just feed me to the lions? - What?
- Step on my head when I'm drowning. - What?
What a great friend. What do you mean, what?
John, this is completely against the rules.
You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period.
- There's no overtime. No! - Oh, no overtime?
What about the Chang wedding three years ago?
- Oh, that's bullshit. - Yeah, thought I forgot about that.
2:00 A.M., you dragged me 50 miles to watch you and some chick
play mah-jong with her grandmother at a retirement home.
Yeah, completely different situation.
- How? - What do you mean how?
She was a very very family-oriented girl.
And she was very into her grandmother. They're very family-oriented.
- Give me a break! - That was my first Asian!
- You better lock it up. - You better lock it up.
- No, you lock it up. Lock it up. - You lock it up. Lock it up.
Please! It would mean so much to me, please!
Look at the way he's looking at me.
I can tell he doesn't like me, John. He's the Secretary of the Treasury.
And to be honest with you, my taxes aren't exactly in line.
Oh, come on, you're being paranoid.
He's threatened by the way I dance.
Damn it! Why'd I have to go showin' off like that?
Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid!
You're not that good a dancer.
Oh, please!
You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer.
Now I know you're lying through your teeth!
You'll do anything to get me to go on this thing,
even if I have to walk right into the lion's den.
Gloria, come on!
You know I'm not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.
She's like a kid at Toys R Us. I can't be around it.
Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging people.
You take off the white wig, and you stop judging me.
I don't want to be around someone who's a nut job.
- I need some alone time with her. - If you want to hang out with Claire,
the boyfriend and Cybill, by all means. I'm not going.
Let me lay it out for you in simple chapter and verse: You're going.
Let me break it down for you so you understand: I'll hold your hand like
- a small child. I'm not going. - Yes, you are.
You can go if you want. I'm... no, I'm not. No, I'm not.
You're gonna be a team player for once in your life.
- He'd love you to come. - Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!
- What do I do? - Baba ganou!
Okay okay. Home sweet home.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Come here, come here.
Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need 100% of Jeremy this weekend
and you're looking a little weird.
She took me below deck for 45 minutes. I don't have
- any bodily fluids left in me. - Gentlemen, everything okay?
- Great! Yep. - Great?
You know, we were thinking about a little game of touch football,
- you know. - Yeah?
- Cleary family tradition. - A little pigskin, why not?
- Great. - Don't forget to stretch, guys.
We're gonna be on the field in 10.
- Clothes fit. - Ooh.
I'm not even gonna say it, but you... you-you know I'm upset.
I know you are. I think you look good.
You know I don't look good.
Hey, honey!
I'm over here!
Are you ready? Are you ready for some football?
You want the noise brought on you? 'Cause here it comes.
- The what? - The noise brought on you,
- 'cause here it comes. - Just hike the ball, nut job.
Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.
- Yes! - Ooh!
- Whoo! - Yes! Crab cakes and football!
- That's what Maryland does! - Nice one!
- A little out of shape? - Yeah.
- Way to bring it! - Way to anticipate that rush, man.
- No, I just saw you had it. - Hey, shut up!
You gotta anticipate that rush.
- Cool, no, of course I do. - You did a great job.
- What happened, Toast? - I think he's on steroids.
It was like trying to cover a fuckin' racehorse.
- Well, don't worry about it. - Get it up!
We'll burn 'em with the post.
No no. No, I got a better idea.
Look, I want you to fake the post,
throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know?
Gets them foamy. You think you can do that?
John, I was first team, all-state. I can put the ball wherever I want to.
I'll make it rain out here. All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 17!
Blue 17! Red 17!
- Oh, you're gonna cover me? - Like white on rice.
All right, I like my odds here. I'm gonna give you a little warning,
- I'm going downtown. - Hot route!
Red seven, red seven, red seven!
Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
- John! Red seven! - What? I don't know
what "red seven" means. - Hot route!
I don't... w-what is "hot route"?
Will you just go stand on the other side, please?
Are you runnin' away from me?
- No! I'm just gettin' over here. - You scared?
- Down! - Come on!
Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Go, Jeremy!
Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!
Boo-ya!
That's what we call a sack lunch!
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
Ow! Bird.
Big tree fall hard, right?
How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?
Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here's five.
Man down! We got a man down!
You okay?
Hey, is your brother okay?
What? Aw, he's fine.
I can't breathe.
- What's that? - I can't breathe.
No no no, I think he's really hurt.
Well, serves him right after that throw.
Hey! Baba ganoush!
I don't know... I don't know what got into me, Secretary, I just...
I do. Five generations of Lodge family breeding.
- Your father used to pull... - I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
- The same stunt when we were your age. - I can't breathe.
- Is that right? - You okay?
Great! You threw it perfectly!
Come on, get up!
- Don't oversell it. - I'm not selling anything.
Come on, stop milking it. You make us look like a bunch of pussies.
Jeremy! Sit this play out.
Todd, come on in.
You must be joking.
It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports
once in a while, would it?
Well, would that make you love me?
Pfft. Jesus.
Hey, Jeremy, red moon dog 7-11!
42, 30-teen!
Hut one! Hut two!
Blitz!
Jeremy!
Hoo-ah!
Oh!
- Oh. - That looked like it hurt.
- I got you! - No, you didn't!
- You're cheating! Oh my God. - You're cheating!
- The only... - Your brother, he's down again.
What is his deal?
L... I don't know what's getting into me today, guys. It's just...
Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
What are you doing? It's a game of touch.
Every time I look over, you're on your ass again.
If I had any air in my lungs, I'd scream at you!
Oh, now you're gonna blame me?
'Cause you're not athletic enough to stay on your two feet?
I hate you.
Let's take a daiquiri time-out.
Daiquiris.
Oh!
Sweetheart, why don't you take him into the house and fix him up?
- Sure, Mom. - Oh, don't baby him,
- it just makes it worse. - Oh! My back hurts.
Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?
You got everyone on you now? Get all the attention.
- It's hot out here. - Yeah, it is.
You should have played in your underwear.
I'll get you a drink.
Oh, Jesus Christ. It burns.
- Oh! Poor baby. - It stings. Oh, Jesus.
You want me to blow on it?
No. No no no. No no no.
No, I don't need any blowing. I'm good, I'm good.
- I'm... thank you. - Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
- Oh. Yeah. - That's right.
- Ooh, ah, oh! - Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.
Uh, yeah, that's fun, yeah.
That's fun. Okay, Gloria, could you just stop for...
That's funny, that's funny,
- that's funny. - Ahem.
Don't you worry, Miss Gloria.
- Mum's the word. - Thank you, Randolph.
A little more discreet, though, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Don't worry, he won't say anything.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
Just like eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin,
and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to...
- to catch up with you here. - You do that to me. Ooh.
- Where's my little friend? - I do what... no no no.
- Where's my little friend? - He's tired. He's tired.
- Where's my little friend? - He's in time-out.
He's in time-out. Gloria, please! I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.
Dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon.
My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just... I'm not really in the mood for this.
Ow! Jesus Christ!
My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy.
I'm just another notch on your belt!
Wha... this is not like that. What are you talk... it's not like that!
Really?! Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?
- Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait! - Huh?!
It's just that I'm feeling very strongly
that we're only starting to express ourselves
in a physical, sexual-specifically way.
That's it! Wait!
And I'd like to play some catch-up on finding out who's inside here.
Okay?
Jeremy.
- Jeremy, you're amazing! - Oh God, I think you're amazing.
- Oh my God, don't ever leave me. - Ever.
Good! 'Cause I'd find you.
Yeah.
Of course like all kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one.
I had hundreds and hundreds and all of them from different backgrounds
who spoke different languages. And one of them, whose name was Caleb,
he spoke a magical language that only I could understand.
Get him all patched up?
I sure did, Daddy.
Gloria bug.
You go change for dinner.
Okay.
You know, she's not just another notch on the old belt.
I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.
I'm a very powerful man.
Yes, you are.
See you for dinner.
So, I am President of the Environment Defense League.
And I pick up this little sea otter...
...and... and... and... wipe off the oil from the tanker spill.
All right, you gotta step this up already. I'm gonna give you
- the damn eyedrops. - No, I don't want 'em.
- It's too hardcore. - Well, do you want to be alone
- with her or not? - Yes.
Put a few of these in his drink and he'll be going down on toilet seat
- for the next 24 hours. - I don't want to do it.
I can beat this guy. Let's be honorable for once.
And the whiskers.
And the oil's... the oil's flapping, he goes...
- Give me the eyedrops. - Thank you.
Perfect.
Let us bow our heads in prayer.
Heavenly Father,
we thank You for Thy bounty on this table
and ask that You bless the entire Cleary family
and all the friends here assembled.
- Amen. - Amen.
- Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic. - I, uh... I bought them from
an organic scallop farm right off the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.
Actually, Sack got the Governor to subsidize part of the project.
And now it's the state's only self-sustaining scallop farm.
Say that five times, fast. You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
They actually look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some
when I get the sensation back in my face
- from the, uh... football game. - Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.
I just, you know, I have this damn competitive streak.
Um... I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town,
I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist
about what you did to my back. And not just any orthopedist,
I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein who specializes in...
Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?
Claire and I? Um, what's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?
Three and a half.
Yeah, um, actually, we started dating while we were doing
- Habitat for Humanity. - Sure.
Pretty soon... we'll be getting married.
Yep.
Well, not too soon, um...
We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.
Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot,
two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges,
- will finally unite. - Hear, hear.
And then of course, you can challenge the Klingons
for interstellar domination, right?
Jeremy...
I saw you on the dance floor.
You move pretty good.
Oh. Thanks a lot.
L... really just got lucky.
I was more in the zone than anything else.
It was the booze dancing.
Sorry guys, I forgot.
How are you guys connected to the family again?
Uncle Ned's kids.
You know... Uncle Ned?
Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
Hmm. No, I don't know.
So, Jeremy,
you and your brother are venture capitalists.
- That's right. - That's great.
Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system.
- It's the new pioneer. - New pioneer.
So is it just about the money?
No no, it's about,
investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
Well, like what? Give me an example.
Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the...
the fur or the wool from sheep
and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew.
And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew
then, um...
make some shirts and pants
for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
- People... people helping people. - Yeah.
That's... that's very admirable.
Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet.
We do turn a small profit.
After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,
lap dances for the big guy here.
Oh!
He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
What's this, uh, company called?
- Holy sh... - Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.
It's a little corny and obvious,
but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
Well, that's a hell of a good project.
I'm gonna mention something to the Commerce Secretary.
That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?
Terrific, it was terrific.
Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?
- Mommy. - You know, Willy's father, my husband
was the Secretary of State
for President Franklin Roosevelt.
That must have been so thrilling... FDR.
My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.
He was a doll.
The wife, though, Eleanor...
- big dyke! - Oh Lord.
Huge dyke! A real rug muncher!
Looked like a big lesbian mule.
Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.
Somebody... somebody get me another Scotch for Christ sakes!
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Honey, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
- Okay. - You all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.
I know.
Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.
- I don't eat meat or fish. - He's a homo.
Mommy, let's not go there again.
Actually, um, Todd is an amazing painter.
He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd.
That's really impressive, "Rizdee."
Yeah, Dad... Dad used to think I'd be a political liability,
you know, in case he ever ran for President.
Now, Todd! Actually, truth be told,
polling shows a majority of the American people
would ultimately empathize with our situation.
- What is our situation, Dad?! - You're a homo.
Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.
Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.
I can do it myself, asshole.
Wow.
I'll be in my room painting.
Homo things.
You just go right ahead, Toddy.
- Mmm, wonderful scallops. - Absolutely. Wonderful.
You know, um...
I think I'm gonna get some air.
Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.
- Sure. - Let me just change my shoes.
- Excuse me. - All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away
from the delicious food that we got here.
I just had my tits done.
You like 'em?
Those... seem like lovely tits.
William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
Well, darn him.
But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden.
You've been playing cat and mouse with me ever since you came here.
- Mrs. Cleary, I don't... - Call me Cat.
Okay, Cat...
Call me Kitty Cat.
Okay, Kitty Cat,
this feels borderline inappropriate, and...
- Feel them. - What?
- I said feel them. - Mrs. Cleary...
Kitty Cat.
I'm sorry, Kitty Cat. Are you out of your fucking mind?
I'm not letting you out of this room
until you feel them.
Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like.
Pervert.
Mom make you feel her tits?
Did you say something, Todd?
Mom make you feel her tits?
Todd, where are you going with this?
Just don't... don't say anything to my dad, though.
Some friend of my sister's...
and she said something to my dad a couple of years ago...
he now lives in a shack in Guam.
Not by choice.
Stop kidding with me, Todd.
You almost had me, come on.
- John, I need to talk to you. - No, not right now.
What's wrong with you? Why you got the weird look all over your face?
Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Well, snap out of it! What? A hot, older woman
made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front
of the whole damn family and have some real problems? Jackass.
What were they like, anyway? They look pretty good. Are they real?
Are they built for speed or for comfort? What you do with 'em? Motorboat?
You play the motorboat? Ppppt!
You motorboatin' son of a bitch. You old sailor, you!
Where is she? She still in the house?
What is wrong with you?
What do you mean what's wrong with... what's wrong with you?
- No, what's wrong with you? - No, what's wrong with you?
- You're projecting. - Drop it.
You drop it! You stop projecting on me.
Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood?
- Drop it! - "Team player."
Ahem.
Oh, Mr. President!
What do you want?
You're in my room.
Oh, dear.
Well, I'm too drunk to walk,
so carry me to my room.
Carry you...
sure.
You banging the daughter and the grandma?
How much jam you got, man?
- Jam? L... - Listen, man,
the family dog lives downstairs.
I can wake him up for you, if you like. His name is Snooky.
You could not be more wrong about what's happen...
Just be gentle with her, okay?
She be pushing 90!
Jesus Christ.
Hey! Good thing I didn't hold my breath.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I just, uh...
Sorry I'm late, I just...
You okay?
No no, I'm fine, I just...
- I just got, uh, held up. - Hmm. My family's a little strange.
A little strange?
Come on. Claire.
Your family... are totally nuts.
- And guess what? - What?
- I love it. - You do?
- Yeah, it seems great. - Really?
- Yes! - I get a little self-conscious.
It's a family! You're mixing it up.
You got the sweet little grandma who's really sweet
with her, like, little, like, white hair, but then she's kinda mean.
But you're like, "Well, fuck it, she's so old,
and she's not gonna change now."
- Oh. - Shit, it was great!
I just hope I didn't embarrass myself with that stupid joke I told.
Are you kidding? That was so funny!
- No, really? Really? - Yeah! Yeah, you're like that
crazy guest who thinks he's part of the family already, it's...
Doesn't sound that great. That sounds horrible.
- No, it's cute. - The crazy guest who thinks he's
like a part of the family who's gonna say inappropriate stuff? What is that?
- Yeah. You know, you break the ice. - Yeah.
It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.
Claire?
- Yeah? - There you are.
Have you checked on Sack? I think he's pretty sick.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. No, I'll be right in.
Um, I should... I should go check on him.
Yeah, sure, okay. Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.
Claire.
Mm-hmm?
I'll... I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Oh no.
Are you okay?
Well, Claire, um...
my head's buried in a toilet.
What do you think? Why don't you do the math, okay?
Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. It's just me.
Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?
- Right. - Hey, you wanna help me out?
Do ya? Do ya, kid? Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?
All right, 'cause I think I'm...
I think I might get vulnerable again.
What the f... fuck is going on?
Shh, shh, shh! You'll wake my dad.
Baby, I started thinking about what you said before
and I think the problem is I am not being adventurous enough for you!
Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not what I've been saying to you.
Shh! Baby...
I'm gonna make all your fantasies come true.
But this is not fant...
I love you.
# Till I drive you away #
# I know what you'll say #
# You say oh #
# Someone you know #
# But I promise you this #
# I'll always look out for you #
# Yeah, that's what I'll do #
# I say oh #
# Oh-oh #
# I say oh #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# I saw sparks #
# Yeah, I saw sparks #
# I saw sparks #
# Yeah, I saw sparks #
# I saw them #
# La la la. #
Gloria, go to sleep, honey.
It's not Gloria.
Jesus Christ!
We had a moment at the dinner table, didn't we?
No. No, we did not have a moment at the dinner table.
Yes! We had a moment.
I was right there. Todd, I would have noticed if there was a moment.
- There was no moment. - I made you a painting.
What?
I call the painting "Celebration."
It's sexual and violent.
I thought you might like it.
No.
- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes. - No. They need to know about us.
- It's okay. - No no no no. Hide hide hide!
Please please please.
You gotta hide, you gotta hide! Not there. Not there!
I'm not comfortable... I'm not comfortable with that!
- Let's play tummy sticks! - What's tummy sticks?
I don't want to play tummy sticks! Get in the closet.
It's okay, I was where you were a year ago.
Get in the fucking closet right now! You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet! Go!
I'll pop out at the right moment.
No, you will not!
Everything okay in here? I thought I heard something.
I was just having a bad dream.
Oh.
I know about bad dreams.
You know, Todd...
screams
at night sometimes.
You know, the doctors call it night terrors.
I don't know.
Hmm?
Oh. Okay, then.
Sleep well.
There's nothing terrifying about the night.
Now, listen, if you let me go to bed and get some sleep
then l... we can talk tomorrow.
You won't make time for me.
If I get my sleep I'll have to... I'll...
I'll love to make time and talk about, uh, uh, different things.
Like paintings.
Can't wait for tomorrow
when I got energy and I can really share some stuff.
Okay.
- Oh, it's gonna be great. - You sleep.
Mmm. Okay. That was nice.
That was nice! Please let me just sleep.
I can't take this fuckin' shit anymore!
There he is! It's the big guy! Get in here.
Wait till you see the spread. Anything you want.
Yeah, well, get what you want to go.
The ferry leaves in 25 minutes. We gotta get outta here.
Whoa, what's your problem? Have some of this stuff.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried.
- Soft mattress? - Yeah, that could've been it.
It could have been the soft mattress. Or, it could've been
the midnight rape... or the nude, gay art show that took place in my room...
one of those probably added to the lack of sleep...
Try one of these scones, you're gonna love 'em.
I'm a little traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.
Will you slow down for a second? The whole eyedrop thing backfired.
Okay? It didn't work. She had to leave me and go attend to him.
Why are you looking at me like that?
You're falling for this broad.
No! I just met her.
Exactly. I'm gonna go.
- You can't go. - Watch me.
Watch me take this on down the road.
If you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out and throw a shit fit,
and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown mode here at the house.
I don't give a baker's fuck!
I just had my own sock duct-taped into my mouth last night!
- Whoa, what? - Yeah, the sock
that I wore around all day,
playin' football in, pouring sweat in,
was shoved into my mouth, and there was duct tape over it!
Well, let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
I'm not in a place to discuss what happened. Okay?
I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
I'm gonna go home, see Dr. Finkelstein
and I'm gonna tell him... we got a whole new bag of issues,
we can forget about Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.
Suit yourself.
Rule #1.
Rule #1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind.
- I can't believe how selfish you are. - I need you.
A friend in need is a pest.
I'll stick it out with you because you're desperate.
- I need the big guy. - I'm gonna try to give you
a little bit more time, because somebody can't close.
- Fair enough. - But if you want my help,
you gotta listen. Number one: Stop being a pussy.
Number two: Make a move.
Number three...
you know it.
Could you pop the syrup for me? Just as a top off?
Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.
Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor,
- I'm gonna choose not to eat with you. - We're not gonna eat together?
No. I like to recharge my batteries,
and shut down the engines, and get myself back to neutral.
When the meal's over with, I will talk to you.
I don't want to get into what happened last night,
'cause it's only gonna make me mad. Let's get through today,
let's keep our eye on the prize, let's focus,
- and let's close some ass. - Noted.
Can I tell you something without you getting angry?
I love you.
Yeah, you, big guy.
I love you too.
Hello.
- Trapster, it's Sack. - Sackmaster!
- How was the wedding? - Oh, it was boring, you know,
but the bachelor party, of course, rocked.
We got Heidi a couple of those fucking sluts
from the environmental group, remember them?
No way! Did you tap that again?
Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
Damn! Sluts!
Oh, how's Claire?
Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?
Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know.
She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time.
But that'll all change when we're married,
'cause I want a wife. I don't want a fucking martyr, right?
I hear that, my friend.
Hey, man, listen, l-I-I-I got...
do you remember that private detective we used
to set up that fucking Shearson Lehman prick?
The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.
Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys
John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire.
They got some sort of N.P.O. Called "Holy Shirts & Pants."
- I will check into them. - Excellent, bro.
- You da man! - Take it easy.
Where's Sack?
Oh, he's... he's still not feeling very well.
Well then, "The Woodwind" takes off without him.
- John my boy. - Yes?
We're tacking back round.
Do me a favor, ease the sheets,
swing the jib starboard.
Okay, let me...
Okay.
One minute.
- Hi. How's it going? - Hi.
Oh, just swinging the jib here for your dad.
Starboard. Trying to get it over here and crease the sheet.
Um, but starboard's this way.
- Oh, that's right. What am l... - Yeah.
- What am I thinking? - I'll help.
- Okay. - Hang on, hang on.
- Watch the jib boom. - Oh.
All right, push it. Push it this way.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.
- Come on, use some muscle. - There we go.
All right, that's good. Done. Done.
You know, I'm used to sailing down under with the Kiwis,
so everything is backwards.
Even the toilets... when you flush them,
the water spins the opposite way.
Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
John my boy,
come on up here.
Man "The Woodwind" for a while.
On my way.
Hey, your dad was telling me about a great beach near here
that maybe we could check out
if you have any interest when we get back.
Yeah.
Great. Okay, it can get confusing up here.
If you have a problem, just give me a call.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Now how would one get to this Sook's Bend?
Actually, it would be a really nice bike ride.
Everything's ready for the quail hunt!
For the quail hunt?
Yeah. It's a... it's a Cleary family tradition.
Well, I think you might have to deal me out on this,
- 'cause we were gonna... - Nonsense, I insist.
John, you gotta go! You're gonna love it! You're gonna love it!
Sack, honey, um, you're a little bit sick for hunting.
Oh, no, I'm great! Honey, I'm great!
Oh, I'm going! Right? Right?
Okay. You're going.
- So, I guess I'll see you later. - See you later.
Just take it easy, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Mr. Environmental is also a-a hunter.
It's kind of an interesting combination.
I hunt quail, Jeremy!
They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating
the grub worm population. You got a fucking problem with that?!
Not nearly as much as I do with the, uh, attire that you have on,
or just your general point of view towards everybody.
But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
Have you even shot one of these things before?
The whole 17 years we've known each other,
I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world.
No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage?
So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
I know. It's like, why can't we hunt something cool
like a hawk, or an eagle, or something with some talons?
That'd be awesome. You mean, something like big game even like a gorilla...
Yeah. Gorilla!
- Or rhinoceros... - Rhino!
Or a fucking human being? That'll get you jacked up.
That's a little heavy.
I mean, like... you're hunting a human being right now,
the most dangerous game.
Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed...
- Oh, if he wasn't armed. ...but a clever... a clever human being
- who knows the jungle, or the woods. - Or like a bad guy.
There's something not right about these guys.
What do you mean?
- I mean, it's time to send them home. - Sack, don't do anything crazy.
Just relax, I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.
All right.
To the right!
Argh!
- Oo-ooh! - Ooh.
- They got me! - Oh, shit.
Ow! Jesus!
- You okay, buddy? - Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.
Look, we just came by to say we're gonna take a little bike ride
and then we're gonna come back and check up on you.
And take care of him, okay? I want you to get my little angel up and running.
- Hang in there. - I hope you flip your bike over
and knock your two front teeth out, you selfish son of a bitch!
You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
# Ch-ch-ch-uh, ch-ch-ch-uh #
# In the summertime when the weather is hot #
# You can stretch right up and touch the sky #
# When the weather's fine you got women #
# You got women on your mind #
# Have a drink, have a drive #
# Go out and see what you can find #
# We're no threat, people #
# We're not dirty, we're not mean #
# We love everybody, but we do as we please, when the weather's fine #
# We go fishing or go sailing in the sea #
# We're always happy #
# Life's for livin', yeah, that's our philosophy... #
# Dah, dah-dah, dah, dah... #
- Tough luck, Ralphie boy... - Randolph.
Shh. I'm watching my stories, man.
Is that what you get paid to do?
It's exactly what I get paid to do.
Look, I want to know where Claire is.
She took a bike ride down to the beach.
With who?
With that fellow from the wedding
that everyone seems to be so fond of.
So you're a venture capitalist?
What does that mean?
Oh, it's really not that interesting, actually.
You don't sound very enthused.
Oh, no, it's just...
you know, things started happening
and you go down a road and you think
it's just for a little while.
And then you get caught up in it
and you're kind of into it
and just don't even have time
to really ask questions about it. And before you know it
you're living a life that you didn't set out to, or that you intended to.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I do.
I think that there's some great things
that I'd like to do,
that-that maybe I'm capable of, hopefully.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
I don't know.
We'll see. I'm still young.
Well...
you're not that young.
I'm sorry.
Give me your hands.
I know this game. Okay.
I'm not gonna bite you.
Do you want it full speed or half speed?
Full.
You're never gonna hit me, I don't think.
I'm pretty quick.
What?
- Let me get settled before you go. - You didn't approve of that?
No, because you're supposed to...
You gotta wait until I put them back!
Come on!
So what about you... with Sack?
Is that a good thing?
Yes, I think it's a... good thing.
You don't sound very enthused.
I am.
L... well, I mean, I think I am, l...
I'm...
Okay.
I g... you know, we've just been
talking so much about the future lately
and, uh... I mean, I always assumed that we would get married.
But, uh...
I'm scared.
I am.
But I think that that's how everyone feels
before they're about to get married. I mean,
don't you think?
Yeah, no. Don't answer that.
That's my rationalization and I'm sticking to it.
Fair enough.
And I don't mean to pry.
Yes you do.
Well, however it works out, I hope you...
uh, I hope you realize
that you deserve somebody great.
I have an announcement.
I know that we said we were gonna wait, but, uh,
given the spirit of this weekend
well...
Claire, come on.
Come on. Come on come on, it's okay.
Come on! Come on.
Claire and I are getting married.
Good, Sack. That's wonderful!
- Wonderful. - Wonderful!
Way to go, man! Way to go!
Claire bear, you never told me!
Two of the great American families.
- Claire, you took us all by surprise! - Yeah.
- You're good! You're good!
Can-can you just give me one minute?
- Yeah! - Okay.
Great.
Congratulations, young man!
- Welcome to the family! - This is wonderful!
Look, kid, I'm sorry. You win some, you lose some, right?
- Let's go home. - No, I'm not...
- I can't... I can't do that. - What are you talking about?
Look, I-I think I'm in love with her.
Yeah, I-I-I think... I think that you're nuts.
That's what I think.
I'm gonna tell her the truth.
Jesus Christ!
- Hey. - Hey!
How are you!
Okay, listen, Gloria, you know that I think
that you're an amazing person, a really amazing person,
but I feel like I have to be upfront with you.
I-I-I really don't see this relationship going further than this weekend.
But I love you!
Yeah, I think you'll learn as time goes on
that there's a difference
between infatuation and love, you know?
Obviously, you're gonna have strong feelings for me
because you lost your virginity to me,
- but that doesn't mean... - Oh, I wasn't a virgin.
- What? - I wasn't a virgin.
Far from it.
I just thought that that's what guys wanted to hear.
Come on.
Jeremy!
Wow!
Hello, son.
- You okay? - Not now, Father, please.
No offense to you,
I think we might be on different wavelengths.
I think you'd just be spinning your wheels with me,
but, uh, have a little of the sacrament here.
No one likes to drink alone. We'll set you up.
There you go, get your hands on it. Take it while it's hot.
Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray. Here it is.
Can I ask you a question, Father?
Do you ever get horny?
I'm sure you do. I just... in your position
you're not... right? Isn't that you're not allowed to...
sleep with anybody, right?
Does that get tough sometimes?
You ever pull on yourself, or...
No.
Everything works? Do you get swelled up still?
Yeah, of course.
- Well, what do you do? - You pray.
Yeah, I pray, too, you know what I mean?
I mean, I believed that she was a virgin.
It hurts to be lied to like that.
It's a horrible feeling to feel that way.
But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too.
So could I really feel that bad?
It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So, fair play.
And let's be honest with each other here, okay?
Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straitjacket.
This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend.
And you wanna know what? I dig it! It turns me on!
Yeah! It turns me on!
Because you wanna know what the kicker is, Father?
Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy!
That's right! Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.
Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo.
I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface.
I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shilo!
We used to play checkers with each other every day,
and bless his heart, Shilo'd always let me win!
And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that,
but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel
like you're connected with somebody. I don't know!
But I know when that redhead starts getting kooky
that something about me feels alive inside!
I'm diggin' talkin' with ya. You're a really enlightened cat
and I like that about ya. I think you're a special special man.
Okay, come in for the real thing.
- Mmm? Mmm? - Get in here for the real thing.
I love ya. You're a sweet man.
Oh, dear God.
You can't marry this guy.
Why?
Because I've fallen for you.
Oh, good news travels fast.
Excuse me.
Sorry, thanks. Thanks.
Trapster, talk to me.
No shit.
And do you maybe feel the same way?
Maybe.
Maybe. That's all I needed to know.
But this is crazy, because I don't know any...
- Why? - I don't know anything about you!
- What do you mean? - You do investments in New Hampshire
and you have a crazy brother...
Well, actually, I need to talk to you about that. It's not a big deal,
but maybe you want to sit back on the swing.
Run!
Johnny! She's trying to kill me!
- Grandma! - Whoa whoa!
- Get the gun from her! - Put the gun down!
- Mother, stop! - This is the real world, lady!
You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
- What did you do? - I told you that in confidence!
- That was a confession! - What are you talking about?
Why don't you tell her, John?
- I don't know what's going on. - You don't know?
- I'm playing catch up, too. - I don't...
- Sack, what are you doing?! - Remembering yet?
- You remember yet? - Are you okay?
They're not who they say they are, Claire.
- Those aren't even their real names. - What?!
No, everything he told you is a lie.
I-I don't understand what you're saying.
Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
No, you're joking.
All of it is a lie. Don't you fucking get up.
- Sack, will you just stop?! - Okay okay.
Is that true?
No, well, no, it's... not entirely.
No, it's a yes or no question.
I know, but it's complicated.
Yes or no?
Yes...
- with shades of grey. - Oh.
I'm not perfect,
but who are we kidding? Neither are you.
And you wanna know what? I dig it!
Jeremy tried to seduce me!
You did?
I want my painting back.
The painting was a gift, Todd.
I'm taking it with me.
You had me going, son.
I thought it was something special.
There's a ferry leaving in 10 minutes.
I suggest you be on it.
Come on, let's go.
I want you.
I love you.
He made a fool out of you, Claire.
Come on, let's go.
Sweetheart.
Now bunch those panties up into a little ball.
Put that little ball right in your mouth.
- Oh, that's good. - Hang up the phone.
Okay, and I will definitely call you back later then.
- Come on, wrap it up. - Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.
What the fuck? You can't knock anymore?
- I know how I can get to her. - What?
I know how I can get to Claire.
Oh, John, you gotta drop this thing.
I'm... I can't do this anymore with you, okay?
It's been several months, and you haven't heard anything from her.
She hasn't returned your phone calls,
she's never responded to one of your letters,
- she didn't respond to the candygram. - Right.
God knows what happened to the little kitten that you got her.
Because she didn't keep it and I know you're not raising that goddamn thing.
- Okay. - I think it's very obvious
at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
I disagree. Now look, they're having the engagement party
for her tonight at the beach club. We're going at 7:30.
I'm not g... John, I can't...
Okay okay, listen to me, Tasmanian devil.
- Listen to me. I can't go. - Why?
'Cause I can't go, because I have a schedule. Because I have...
What is your deal? What is your problem?
For the past couple of months you've been a ghost.
I can't find you anyplace, and now I come to you with an idea,
I put myself on the line, you shoot it down with your negativity.
Your goddamn negativity! I don't need it! I'm an idea man.
I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take the wind out of my sails. I need you.
Buddy, you know I love you,
and I hate to see you like this,
but we gotta look at reality here.
There's gonna be Secret Service at this thing. They have pictures of us.
There's not a shot in hell we can get into this thing.
You're so cautious. I'm more of a risk taker.
I'm two steps ahead of you and 10 steps ahead of Secret Service.
Oh, yeah. 46 extra long, baba ganoush special.
We're waiters!
Buddy, for your own good, you gotta let this thing go.
Now, I'm gonna meet you there at 7:30, okay?
Okay.
- Hey, how do I look? - Good, man.
- Good. - Where's your friend?
Late, as usual. Is Claire...
- Oh, she's looking fine! - Okay.
Next thing you know they pick me up,
put me on the top of this mountain
and they start chanting, and I realized
they thought I was God!
And I'll tell you something, I thought I was too.
Claire.
Let's dance.
You!
Okay, Sackmaster,
one more. We should get back to the bar.
You're right.
You get near my fiancée again,
I'll kill ya.
Did you check out the rack on that bartender?
Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.
Oh my God, yeah, she will. You're right.
Hey!
# Everyone who's anyone was there... #
- God damn it. - # They all had something to share #
# About so-and-so and on and on #
# I'm in the corner speechless... #
Perfect.
Johnny, wait a second.
Come on, John!
Oh, what time is it?
John, will you wait a second so I can talk to you?
Hold on, man.
Will you stop? Stop... I'm not gonna chase you
down the whole fucking street, man.
Hold on a second. Let me talk to you for a second here.
About what? About how you left me high and dry
- to get my ass kicked by Sack again? - Sack did that to you?
And how long have you been sneaking around with Gloria
- behind my back? - I wanted to tell you about Gloria.
I tried to. I didn't know how.
And I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.
I'll level with you.
I care about her a lot.
I love her.
What?!
You're unbelievable! Judas!
Rule #5. You're an idiot.
You're wrong to pull out the rulebook on this.
There was never any rules about this. What's the rule
about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket.
Rule #115.
You're an asshole.
# I'm awake #
# You're still sleeping #
# The sun will rise #
# Like yesterday #
# Everything #
# That we are now #
# Is everything #
# We can't let go #
# It's gone forever... #
This is John.
Whatever.
Hey, John, it's Jeremy.
Uh, just calling to see what you're up to, uh...
would love to hear back from you, man.
Play sharp.
And we'll do the wedding in peaches and apricots.
Even though it's a June wedding, should the weather turn nasty,
warm colors will really help you.
# Don't you go away tomorrow... #
Johnny.
Johnny, open up, man.
Does anyone ever feel like they're just...
disappearing?
I feel so much like giving up.
Yeah!
Get it?!
Put your hands out like this.
- Claire. - Please.
Hi. Thanks for coming.
- Hey! - Get off her, man! What are you doing?
You're supposed to move your hands.
You're not getting enough attention?
Love doesn't exist!
That's what I'm trying to tell you guys.
And I'm not picking on love,
'cause I don't think friendship exists either.
Hey! Yeah!
Are you okay? Get up, buddy.
Move it on.
Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately,
and I-I think that I'm ready
to take, um, this relationship,
our relationship to the next level.
To what the next level of the... of the...
of the relationship would be.
- Jeremy! - Is that good?
I'm so ready to take it to the next level too.
Do you want to watch me with a girl?
What about those Brazilian twins we met at the ballgame?
I-I was... I was... I was thinking
more along the lines of an... of an... of an engagement.
But that sounds terrific. That sounds... that sounds unbelievable.
The Brazilian girls were very nice. They seemed like...
Oh, Jeremy, I do!
- I love you. - I love you.
I-I can't believe that they're getting married.
I mean don't you-you think that's really soon?
Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.
Has to have what she wants when she wants it.
Well, we had to give her a Sweet 16
on her 13th birthday. You remember that.
Yeah, I remember, but this is...
Dad, this is marriage!
When you know what you want, you know what you want.
So...
which of these do you like?
Um...
well, I could... I could go with the tall tapered arrangement
with, uh, tulips and freesias and orchids,
or I could go with a votive
of roses and lilies, I don't know.
- Claire bear. - Yeah?
What's wrong?
Look...
we have no way of knowing
what lays ahead for us in the future.
All we can do is
use the information at hand
to make the best decision possible.
It's gonna be fine.
- Your whole life is gonna be fine. - Yeah.
Happy birthday.
Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
Oh right, that's today.
I see you've been getting into a little light reading.
That's not mine. I bought that for a friend.
Yeah.
So how have you been?
- Great. Really spectacular. - Good.
- What have you been up to? - Eh, you know,
this and that. Crashing weddings.
- Alone? - No, not alone.
Well, who have you been crashing with then?
Chaz.
- Chaz? - Chaz.
- John, you don't even know Chaz... - Yes, I do.
He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
All right, look, I wanted to come by here
and tell you that I feel really bad
about everything that's happened between us.
Your friendship means a lot to me.
I miss seeing you.
I know, l...
look, I'm... I'm happy for you.
I'm glad you found someone.
I can't tell you how glad it makes me
to hear you say that, man.
Get on in here, let the big bear
get his paws on you. You know I love you.
- It's good to see you. - Good to see you.
Are you sure you've been... this does not look like a guy
- who's been okay. - Oh, I know.
- It's like a pigsty. - It's like a mosh pit in here.
Listen, I'm getting married.
- Get out. - What?
You just sat there and said that you were happy for me, that I'm...
I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
- You said that the book wasn't yours. - Don't worry about the book.
It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
John, you've been my friend
for 16 years. I'm getting married.
I need you there to be my best man.
Kindly leave!
- I'm try... - Kindly leave.
Would mean a lot to me if you came.
Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly.
What?!
- White trash! - What are you talking about?
Out! Out!
You better get your ass to that wedding.
- Yeah? - Hi, is Chaz here?
Chaz, there's someone here to see you!
Pick up your fucking skateboard!
Chaz?
What the fuck do you want?
I'm John Beckwith.
I'm friends with Jeremy Grey.
God damn it, why didn't you say so?
Come here, brother! Give me a hug.
Bring it in for the real thing!
Have a seat. Yeah.
God damn you!
I almost numbchucked you, you don't even realize.
Ouch!
- Yeah. - Hmm.
- Is this your place? - No. No no no no no.
- No, I live with my Ma. - Oh.
Yeah. You hungry?
Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?
Chaz, I think I'm okay. I had a bite
- right before I came over. Thank you. - You sure?
- So, how's my protegé? - Jeremy, boy, he...
Yeah, J-bone.
J-bone is... believe it or not, he's getting married.
What?!
What an idiot!
Oh, what a loser!
Good good! More for me and you.
More for... more for...
I gotta go.
Hey, babe, yeah.
You do whatever you have to do.
- Thanks. - Okay, be strong.
I'm just living the dream!
That's unbelievable.
Oh, man, I feel like, "Wow!"
It's like I come over, I don't know what to expect.
I gotta be honest, I come in, it's like,
a little like I'm trying to get my bearings.
There's cartoons, your mom, and it's like, you still got it!
Look at her!
"Just living the dream," I love that!
You know what? I will have some meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.
You want some?
I knew you'd come... Hey, Mom!
The meatloaf!
We want it now! The meatloaf!
What is she doing? I never know what she's doing back there.
"Just living the dream." Where did you get that girl?
- She's hot! - I got her yesterday.
- Yesterday? - Yeah.
I rode my bike over to a cemetery nearby.
Her boyfriend just died.
- You met her at a funeral? - Yeah.
The dude died in a hang-gliding accident.
What an idiot!
"Oh, I'm hang gliding!
Honey, take a good picture... I'm dead!"
What a freak!
You met her at a funeral.
Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then,
but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
It's like fishing with dynamite.
- Horny? - Yeah, crazy horny.
I just... at a funeral?!
Grief is nature's
most powerful aphrodisiac.
- Huh. - Look it up.
- I didn't know that. - That's what I've learned.
Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!
Saturday... I got one Saturday.
You're coming with!
Chaz, I'm... I'm sorry, I don't...
I'm not judging you, 'cause I think you're an innovator, but...
there's no way I'm ready for that.
A time to plant,
and a time to pluck up that which is planted:
A time to kill and a time to heal:
A time to break down and a time to build up:
A time to weep
and a time to laugh:
- A time to cast away stones... - So senseless.
Damn you, Roger.
Roger!
Oh!
Damn you, Roger!
Damn it! Damn you!
I'm in pain.
I'll try to fight it. Try to fight it.
I don't know about you people, but I'm in pain.
I know that there is no good in them
for man to rejoice and to do good in his life...
for that which befalleth
the sons of men, befalleth beasts.
Even one thing befalleth,
as the one dieth, so dieth the other.
Yea, they all have one breath,
so that a man hath no preeminence above the beast.
While each man thinks he knows love,
love, we have learned, is a mystery.
That's what makes today
so special.
We witness two people choosing to marry
ones they truly love.
Whoa whoa, hey!
Hey hey!
He's the best man.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I don't believe this.
Hat in hand.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm glad you're here.
And-and I'm sorry I called you white trash.
- I didn't... - John, apology accepted.
And I'm sorry I called you a hillbilly,
I don't even know what that meant.
John, it's okay.
Do you mind if I get married now?
No, go ahead.
Hi, Todd.
Although we may choose whom we marry,
- we don't always choose... - Psst.
Claire, I'm not here to bother you,
I just came to be his best man. Don't worry about me.
Pretend I'm not here.
Okay.
I'm not a nut.
You look really pretty, by the way.
That's all I'm gonna say.
I can't stop thinking about you.
It's all I think about and I don't know what to do.
- Ahem. - I'm sorry.
That's what makes today so special...
God, I miss you.
Okay, excuse me, I'm sorry.
Claire, hold on a second. Claire, Claire!
Claire, will you wait just a second?
All I wanted was a second alone
so I could try to explain things.
But I've never gotten that chance.
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So here goes.
For longer than I care to remember,
my business has been crashing weddings.
I crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good.
I met a lot of girls.
And it was childish, it was juvenile...
And pathetic.
Yeah, that's probably
the best word to describe it.
But you know what? It also led me to you.
So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
And that person that you met back at your folks' place...
that was really me.
Maybe not my name...
I'm John Beckwith by the way... or my job,
but the feelings we felt
the jokes, the stupid laughs...
that was all me.
I've changed. I've realized something.
I crashed a funeral earlier, and l...
Oh, Jesus.
It wasn't my idea.
I was basically dragged to it.
I went with Chaz, who you forgot to tell me is totally insane.
He also might be a genius
because it actually does work. He's cleaning up.
- John. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's neither here nor there.
And I see this widow and she's a wreck.
She's just lost the person she loves the most in this world.
And I realized
we're all gonna lose the people we love.
That's the way it is.
But not me,
not right now.
Because the person I love the most is standing right here,
and I'm not ready to lose you yet.
Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
I'm just asking you...
not to marry him.
And maybe take a walk.
Take a chance.
Wow!
This congregation really doesn't care
about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just... could you go back up on the altar
so we can have a wedding?
I'm sorry.
I am.
What?
I can't marry you.
Secretary...
your daughter's a little...
Sack, I've always liked you...
so I put up with your stories
about scallops and otters,
and it's all good
because you seemed to make her happy
and that's what matters to me most.
But this is her decision.
Huh.
I stand by my daughter.
You don't know shit.
- Claire, go back up on the altar. - No.
Claire! Claire, get up on that altar right now.
- Stop it. - Claire, get your fucking ass
- on that altar right now! - Wow, getting a nice preview
or what marriage is gonna be like with lke Turner here.
- Sack! - Oh God, here it goes.
Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.
- I think I had him. - I know you did.
Just go kiss the broad.
Would it be a total cliché if I kissed you right now?
Yes.
Just wonderful.
So damn beautiful!
With every death there comes rebirth.
It's the circle of life.
We're gonna be all right.
Hey.
Uh-uh-uh.
Hey.
Uh-uh!
- So, what's next? - I'm starving.
Fujimora wedding, 3:00 P.M.
Hey hey.
I'm just throwing it out. I'm just saying, just...
They would have great tempura.
We don't even have a back story, I just...
- No, forget it, forget it. - I'm talking out loud.
We're a folk-singing group
- from Salt Lake City! - Yeah!
Yes we are.
# In the morning don't say you love me #
# 'Cause I'll only kick you out of the door #
# Stay with me... #
# Measure me in metered lines #
# And one decisive stare #
# The time it takes #
# To get from here to there #
# My ribs that show through t-shirts #
# And these shoes I got for free #
# I'm unconsoled #
# I'm lonely #
# I am so much better #
# Than I used to be #
# And I'm leaning #
# On this broken fence #
# Between past and present tense #
# And I'm losing #
# All those stupid games #
# That I swore #
# I'd never play #
# But it almost feels okay #
# Circumnavigate this body #
# Of wonder #
# And uncertainty #
# Armed with every precious failure #
# And amateur cartography #
# I'm breathing deep before #
# I spread those maps out #
# On my bedroom floor #
# And I'm leaning #
# On this broken fence #
# Between past and present tense #
# And I'm losing #
# All those stupid games #
# That I swore #
# I'd never play #
# But it feels okay #
# And I'm leaving #
# With goodbye #
# And I'm losing #
# But I'll try #
# With the last ways left #
# To remember sing #
# My imperfect offering. #
# Sailing on this boat away tonight #
# Thinking I might drown if the waves aren't right #
# Wind pushing me from side to side #
# And I'm thinking #
# Of what I had #
# And my sweetheart #
# And if I never see you #
# Again #
# I just want you to know #
# What I think #
# Sunday took me out for a walk in the park #
# And as the dark ran round, the track lights lit up #
# People running round in their shorts in the rain #
# Again #
# And again #
# Thinking that you're my sweetheart #
# You're my sweetheart #
# I can hardly see the road #
# But I'm gonna try #
# Yeah, I'm gonna try #
# 'Cause you're my sweetheart #
# You're my sweetheart #
# And if I never see you #
# Again #
# I just want you to know #
# What I think #
# If you've got to run #
# Yeah, I'll be there #
# If you've got to run. #
# Now Kiri waits it out #
# But she's only young enough for some things #
# Healing the sick and dumb #
# And low on the radar, the smoking gun #
# We're moving fast enough to function #
# Fast enough to function #
# Maybe it's me #
# 'Cause I seem to think in twos and threes #
# You find your open door #
# And through the skids I sail #
# And keep that love #
# Underground #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh. #
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