(Phone ringing) As'salaamu alaikum, Yusef.
Wa-alaikum as-salaam Ummi.
We miss you, how's Buffalo?
Al'hamdulilah, I'm going to check out a house. The flier says everyone there's Muslim.
ok bita, you can live with them. Better than the dorms.
Yep.
They will keep you focused and out of trouble.
Insh'Allah.
Insh'Allah
Yusef?
Yeah, Umar?
As'salaamu alaikum.
Wa-alaikum as-salaam.
So, is everyone here Muslim?
From a certain point of view.
Yeah, I didn't expect the house to look like this.
Your room's over here brother.
Sorry.
This is Mustafa's old room.
He was a brother from Egypt.
You know, Mustafa used to get these for free from the Saudi embassy all the time.
Y'akhi when he was here,
that was when we really had it,
a house that was true to Islam.
Insha'Allah we can return to that.
Insha'Allah.
Uh..Are you okay?
I am, the Amazing Ayyub.
Nice to meet you.
Do you live here too or are you, uh….
Yeah. Sort of, man.
Cool.
Is that a fucking camera dude? This is like video, right?
Yeah I need to recharge the batteries for that.
If you could please.
Do You know anything about computers?
The password, it's, I gotta reset it.
I should really get to studying now. Oh!
Ah, no no let me get it, naw, I got it.
Aw you're smearing it now. You're really smearing it.
Yusef man! You're gonna fit in….
You're gonna fit in my balls!
Welcome to the house.
I feel really welcome, thank you.
I'm just gonna….
Salaam-alaik.
Wa alaikum as…
I was just looking for something to drink.
Aw, well, there's plenty to drink.
No, I was thinking something halal.
Oh, halal? Well you've gotta be specific in this place.
Jazakullah khair. (Thank you)
You're the new guy, right?
Salaam, I'm Yusef.
I'm Rabeya.
Have a seat.
Um actually I have to be going because I have, um…
I have um class in a bit, so I ….
Oh right, right every time a man and a woman are alone shaytan is the third present.
Yes, No… I mean no that's not it
I just, uh...
Well did you make your fajr prayer yet?
Sorry… You have to count me out, I'm ragging it.
Okay.
Umar y'akhi?
Umar y'akhi, wake up, it's time for fajr prayer.
Salam Yusef.
Go make wudhu, I'll follow after you.
Okay.
Bimillahir rahmanir raheem.
La ilaha illa Allah.
Fuck.
Asalams, man.
Wa asalaams. I'm Yusef.
Jehangir.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Fasiq.
You're the new guy, right?
Yeah.
You should have been out here with us last night y'akhi.
Oh no, I'm not much of a partier.
No worries man.
Come on, get out here, come on.
Yeah?
Come check out the view, come on.
Wa salaams man.
Calling us out to prayer on your guitar?
That's bid'ah.
Okay. It's bid'ah.
Hey you know, Umar….
It's only Muslims who use the term innovation to mean something bad.
Don't forget that you're Muslim too… Aren't you?
La ilaha illa Allah.
Umar….
Y'akhi….
The adhan has been called, if we're gonna pray….
Let's pray….
These Muslims don't respect freedom, they don't respect capitalism, and they don't respect our way of life!
We can't coexist with these people. And, and the liberals, their starting to find that out.
Look, it's a proven fact. It's been documented!
Radical Shiites are coming to America and going on welfare. Shut the fuck up!
Then they send their welfare checks back to Iran to support its nuclear program!
Y'akhi.
It's not a good idea to be drinking tea.
Why not?
Caffeine is a stimulant.
Know, I wouldn't go as far as calling tea haram, but it's at least makrooh.
Tea is makrooh?
Brother, it's a plague amongst the Muslim world is what it is.
Salam.
It's great….
All you need to get rid of Umar is a vagina!
Bro, how do you fix this thing man?
What are you doing?
Ayyub come on, please, you're gonna break my camera, that was a present for Eid.
Yo, fuck that shit, fix this and let's go fucking skate!
Skate?
Move! Move! Move! Fucking nut.
Douchbag!
Yo, when you gonna hook it up with some of these taqwacores tapes bro?
Ah man, those fuckers only put their shit out on vinyl, man.
Yeah, they like to be all orthodox about it but, uh, for you Amazing Ayyub…
I think I can put something together.
- Yeah? - Yeah, man.
- Thanks bro. - Absolutely brother.
What do you guys mean by that?
What?
Taqwacores.
Aw shit.
Yusef jaan.
Come on man, how long you been in the house for, brother?
Taqwacore….
Taqwacore y'akhi.
Vote Hezbollah.
The Kominas.
One Trip Abroad.
AIThawra.
Osama's Tunnel Diggers.
The West coast Muslim punk scene.
Khalifornia.
Muslim punk scene?
Yeah…
all the crazy fuck ups and rejects of the community, coming together man.
Starting bands, putting on shows.
Nobody likes em.
The Muslims say they're not really Muslim, the punks say they aren't really punk.
What's a punk in the first place?
I mean who knows any more, man. Some say it's about busting social taboos.
Some say it's about being loud...
Everybody's got their own opinion.
What do you think it means?
I think it's just about being ugly.
That's why you can't be punk.
You look too good.
Watch this shit.
Shit, shit, shit, yo check this out, check this out.
Y'akhi!
Dude, are you okay?
- You alright? - That was fucking awesome man!
Are you alright?
Yeah, holy shit.
Fuck, Mash'Allah man, I was in the air so long it was like I had time to stop being nervous, brother.
Yusef, you gotta get that shit in a skateboard video man.
Fuck that, I'm gonna to land it right now.
Bullshit you are.
You okay?
Turn that shit off for a second.
Oh, sure.
Listen man.
Next Friday, we're holding jumauh prayer
and we're gonna do it right at the house.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Jehangir, who would come?
These Muslims y'akhi.
The ones who don't quite fit in at the Muslim center picnics.
The boys who miss their prayers.
The girls who date behind their parents backs.
The ones who ask too many questions during Saturday school.
I can't believe Umar's allowing this.
At the end of the day …
he'd rather see this than another party.
And you know y'akhi, deep down even Umar knows he doesn't quite fit in at the masjid any more.
What do you think they see when he walks in the door?
What about an imam?
Don't we need somebody to lead this?
That's the best part.
It is said in the Quran that Allah spoke directly to the virgin Mary.
It is said that she was instructed to teach Islam to her people.
She was told that something was going to happen and that thing did indeed happen.
And do you know what that sounds like to me? It sounds like the virgin Mary was a prophet of Islam.
So, why do we not consider her one?
She wasn't given a scripture but I say that her book was her son.
So that's my khutbah.
Let's pray.
Takbir!
Allahu Akbar.
As'salaamu alaikum, Yusef.
Wa alaikum as-salaam Abu.
How are your classes? Still straight A's?
Yes Abu, al'hamdulilah.
How are your housemates? They keeping you in the dean? You reading your namaz regularly?
Yes, Yes Abu.
Al-Hamdulilah.
Oh, peace.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Lynn, I'm a friend of Fasiq's.
I'm Yusef.
Nice to meet you.
Is he here?
Is who here?
Fasiq.
I don't know. I think… I don't think so actually.
That sucks, I just thought I'd try and say hi.
Lynn!
- Jehangir! - Salaam, how are you?
So what's the good word?
I'm just out for a jog.
You don't come around much?
I know. I've just been super busy with summer classes.
But I hear you guys are having Friday prayer now.
Yeah…everyone's taking turns leading.
It's beautiful, you gotta come out.
Oh yeah? Totally, I'm there.
Well, um, I better get back to running but I'll see you guys soon.
Yeah, insh'Allah
- bye. - Salaam sister.
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
What
Look at this. I've got Omar's keys. Beer run?
You're frightening me!
You're crazy.
You give it a shot man.
Give what a shot?
Come on, yell something.
What?
Come on.
Here, up ahead. That old dude.
- What? No. - Come on, don't be afraid.
Okay, okay. Uh….
Hurry up, hurry!
You make me really nervous!
What'd the guy do?
I don't think he understood what's going on.
It's fucking hilarious man.
What's up with that girl Lynn?
What do you mean?
I mean, like, is she a Muslim?
She is a convert. Or revert as I'm supposed to say.
You know, a Catholic girl who loved Rumi … the whole idea of no priesthood.
One love. One God. All that shit, you know?
But I guess she kind of burnt out man.
So she's not a Muslim any more?
You'll have to ask her about that brother.
Here we go, right here.
- Right here? - Yeah yeah, pull over. - Hold on, I have to signal.
Alright, you gotta signal.
- Right here, right here. Turn the corner. - Hold on, let me signal. Let me signal.
My mom would be very proud of me right now.
- Why? - Hanging out with a good boy like you.
Amazing Ayyub always hooks up the free booze man.
Five bucks says he isn't wearing a shirt.
Give me some! Give me some!
I'm so fucking happy you guys are here!
Get on it! Get on it! Get on it!
What the fuck are you fucks doing here man?
Well we're here to undermine the fucking U.S. Economy so fill her up mate! Fill her up!
Alright, I'll be right back.
Is it okay he jumped on the… Umar's not going to notice….
Shut the-dude, why do you worry so much?
Worrying is a sin.
Aren't you gonna get in trouble for this?
Fuck this place man. I get more loot giving hand jobs at Niagra Falls man.
Great. Umar's gonna kill me.
Dude, you want one?
- No. - Here. - No, I don't want it.
You're just a straight edge guy, huh? You're just all nice and all.
You guys, I gotta give these cumbuckets some gas, I'll be right back.
Asalaam. What do you guys want?
- A-Salaama-lick my balls mother fucker. - What the fuck did you say.
Thank you, come again!
Stupid mother fuckers. Fucking Dickwads.
Oh shit, you didn't fucking kick my car mother fucker!?
Catch me!
The desire for freedom resides in every human heart.
And that desire cannot be contained forever by prison walls or Marshall laws or secret police.
Over time and across the earth, freedo m will find a way.
Hey Yusef, is that you?
Uh, yeah.
Come in here a sec.
You want me to come into the room?
What the fuck do you think I mean by, come in here a sec?
Okay.
Hey.
I like your room.
It's a ceiling and some walls.
Who's this?
Secret Trial Five. They're an all girl taqwacore band from Vancouver.
So Lynn came by the other day.
She thinks you're cute.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I was kinda surprised too. Anyways, do you like her?
Oh, I mean, she's nice and stuff. But I … don't know about liking girls and stuff like that.
What.
Okay, I mean, like, finding out if someone likes you, and then…
… if you like them, and ask them if they want to go to the movies ...
People don't do that any more Yusef.
What do you mean?
Basically, you just hang out with someone and then sooner or later you hook up with that person.
And then one of the people gets jealous …so you decide to only hook up with each other… and then….
Bam! You're in a relationship.
Oh.
Why don't you just, like… hang out with her and see what's gonna happen.
Okay. Cool. What's this?
What?
This. You, you crossed out a whole ayat in the Qur'an.
Yeah, which one is that?
Let me see, um….
Four, Four-thirty four.
Right, I didn't need that one any more.
What, you just felt like you could cross out the word of God? I mean, you can't do that.
Well that ayat advises men to beat their wives so what do I need that for.
No, you can't do that. And most translators say that it means to beat lightly and their's a story of Job
where he used a blade of grass.
Yeah, Yusef, I know. I read what all the scholars said okay, even the progressives.
I did all the tap dancing around that verse that a desperate Muslim could do.
And in the end, you know what I said?
I said fuck it. And now, I feel a whole lot better about the Quran.
I mean it's kinda weird coming from a girl in a burqa.
What about my burqa?
No, I mean… I meant, uh, you know… It must be kinda hard to, like, read and stuff.
- That's it, that's all I meant…- Okay - in the burqa.
Here.
Came out wrong. Sorry.
Here. This is for you.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Uh, I don't know. Why don't you wear it?
Alright well don't expect me to wear this thing around town
and like campus and stuff because people are going to think I'm weird.
That's fair. Just so you have it.
Okay, well, al'hamdulilah.
Shut the door all the way.
Hey. Why does Rabeya wear that full burqa?
What do you mean?
I mean, it's not for sunna, we know that much.
You ever have a day you didn't want anybody looking at you?
You think that's why she wears it?
Hey, what the fuck is this?!
What?! What now?
This.
That's my Quran.
Yeah? What's it doing in the bathroom?
These are the words of Allah Subhananahu Wa Ta'Ala
I left it there because it's fucking raining.
Weed's haram for a reason. You do know that, right?
No, no, no, no. You see the Qur'an only forbids alcohol, it don't say shit about weed.
Five-ninety man.
Two, two-one-nine.
That shit is khamr as anything else.
The bathroom is filthy.
Well the whole house is filthy.
Yeah. You know, yeah, you're right.You know, back when Mustafa lived here it could have never looked like this.
No, let me tell you something about Mustafa.
Back when Mustafa lived here Rabeya, could never sit in the fucking living room.
Hey, fuck off!
Fuck!
You know… Umar just thinks I'm up here getting faded, but I know my shit.
Here. In Suratual-Hijr. Ayat 19 and 20.
Allah sent suitable things to grow on the Earth.
And with him are the treasures of everything in the world.
And he only sent them down in a known measure.
This tells us that things from nature are a blessing from Allah.
And that he only sent us what we could handle. Embrace it.
Yo, you pumped up for tonight's party man?
Yeah.
Dude, I'm gonna get my dick wet, you're gonna
get your dick wet. It's gonna be fuckin.
- Hey, uh… hey, hey, hey. - Sweet bro.
I'm gonna stay back, okay? I gotta ….
No, it's not like that. I'm just gonna stay back.
Alright then, I'll just get the forties …
and the blunts and the condoms
- don't tell her you got herpes. - Leave me alone.
Hey.
Hi. As'salaamu alaikum.
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
Fasiq's awesome, isn't he? What a great khutba.
Yeah, it was really out there.
So is Jehangir having another one of his parties tonight?
Yeah, Insh’Allah
So cool.
Friday afternoons all these Muslims come out for khutbas
and then at night the punks come in for beer and ass.
I don’t really think they’re Muslims though.
Why would you say that?
No, I mean like, from a traditional stand point.
Personally, I’m not big on the whole Islam is one way approach.
What do you mean?
I believe in Allah, you know?
I just, I don’t always call it Allah.
I pray the way I want to pray.
Sometimes it’ll be in a church and sometimes on a rug.
Interesting.
Sorry, I don’t know…
- No. - it’s hard to explain, sometimes. - It’s okay.
It’s fine. So, do you consider yourself a Muslim?
I don’t know. Why don’t you call Allah and ask him yourself.
Good one.
Oh, my ride’s here. I’ll see you tonight.
- Okay. - Salaam.
- Oh oh oh, Yusef! - Hi.
You have to meet Fatima.
Fatima, this is Yusef. Hi.
Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Yusef.
Fatima just came back from San Francisco. She was doing a documentary on the gay Muslim conference out there.
Yeah, was is right. I thought it was going to be this crazy scene but
you’d be surprised how fundy some of those dudes were out there.
What do you mean?
Well like, okay they’re totally strict about prayers and everything. And a lot of them will tell you straight up that gay sex is sin.
Could you imagine juggling that in your life? Okay, but there was this awesome kid a guy named Muzzamil.
And he’s starting his freshman year at UB in the fall. So I’m going to introduce you guys when he gets here.
I think you’ll really like him.
Um, did you know those have pork gelatin in them?
Pork Gelatin!
Sorry
They’re halal you bitch.
I think, uh, Rabeya’s mad at me.
Are you okay?
Did I ever tell you I grew up in a house full of women?
No, I don’t think so.
Worked out.
Always works out.
Just give me one little kiss.
Did you meet that girl Fatima?
Yes, I met Fatima.
It’s funny you should mention Fatima.
Why?
Because, um…
So, uh… we’re making out and whatever. And uh… I go for her tits.
And that’s cool and she’s cool. So I put my hands between her legs.
I mean, she’s liking it so I go to unbutton her jeans.
And the next thing I know she’s putting her hand over mine, and I’m thinking fuck, that’s it, it’s done.
And she just looks at me and you know what she says?
Sorry if this is a dumb question
but if you were to, uh uh… and she couldn’t even get the fucking words out man.
So I’m like, finger you?
And she goes, yeah.
Would that break the hyme n?
YUSEF Wow.
C’mon what can you do after that, if I would have done shit I would have felt like a fucking child molester
Fuck. That’s my jihad man.
Jihad?
The struggle between me and my nuts.
Greatest struggle, right?
Jihad against your nuts?
Yusef.
- Oh, hey. - Hi.
- Hi. - How ya doing?
- I’m good, how are you? - Good.
Glad you could make it.
Oh, I live here.
Oh. Oh my God, that’s right.
Duh. It’s a crazy house.
YUSEF Yeah, it’s crazy.
He’s drunk
You should give me a tour.
That’s the kitchen.
Rabeya’s room is on the other side.
Upstairs bathroom and Fasiq’s room is around the corner.
So Yusef, are you a punk too?
Me? No. Not really.
Well, maybe Straight edge. Maybe, yeah.
So where’s your room?
- Wow Yusef. - Yeah.
It’s not as cool as everyone else’s.
- It’s very nice. - Thank you.
Is everybody else as clean as you are?
Umar’s pretty neat.
- Pakistan, right? - Yep.
I know my flags.
So have you ever been there?
I spent a summer there when I was ten.
- Oh really? - Yeah. - How was it?
It was a different planet.
I can imagine.
Yeah, sometimes, you know I don’t know where I feel more
What the fuck?
Nothing. - This isn’t your first time with a girl, is it?
No, I’ve been with many girls.
I think it is. - Lots and lots and lots of girls. I’ve…
You know, I have a question for you. Where’s the romance in Islam?
Romance?
Yeah, passion Yusef
Passion. Well, uh, you get, uh… you, you date after you’re married.
Yeah, it’s really hard to explain
But that’s the Islamic way?
Yes. I guess so.
That doesn’t make any sense to me.
Well, making out with random guys,drunk, at a party doesn’t make sense to me.
Yeah, I hear ya on that one.
What’s your major again? - Engineering. - Okay, why?
What, because, I don’t know. What are you talking about?
Is that something you are passionate about? Or is it something your parents want you to do?
What are you talking about? Don’t assume you know anything about me. ‘cause you don’t.
God, bullshit Yusef! You have a penis, a dick in those pants. I know that you do. - What?
You do, you can’t hide it, Yusef!
You know what, you’re messed up, okay?
I’m messed up?
Yeah you’re messed up. you know, were you ever a Muslim at all?
Come in.
Yusef.
How are you?
Man, there’s puke and piss everywhere.
Oh I’m sorry, I… I can help you clean it up.
I’m gonna go get ready for isha Wanna join me?
What the fuck!?
Yo, what up, dude?
Fucking junkie piece of shit!
Umar, stop. Umar, you’re choking him!
I could kill you, right now! What the fuck could you you do?! Where’s your hidden imam now? Shi’ite piece of shit!
He’s choking!
You wanna fuck in my bed, dirty fuck!?
Come on, Umar! Let him go, let him go, let him go!
Fuck!
Crazy fuck!
Mother fuck, Mother fuck! What’d you say to me?! Hey back when Mustafa was here nobody was fucking in my bed, you piece of shit!
Fuck!
Hi. This is Yusef. Sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Please leave a message
Yusef bitta, where are you? Why you taking days to return my call? Is everything okay? Please call me back, you’re father’s getting upset. Khudhafiz.
Umar’s a fucking cock.
Yeah he is.
I mean a fucking cock.
Yeah.
The house ain’t the same without Amazing Ayyub, man, I’ll tell ya that. Miss that fucking guy.
Insh’Allah he’ll be back.
Insh’Allah. Alright, now hit me one deep alright. Same way I told you though.
Alright.
Okay, ready? Go.
Sorry!
Last night I had a dream I was ah … drinking with Johnny Cash.
Really?
Yeah. You ever listen to Johnny Cash?
No. I don’t listen to country.
No, Johnny Cash isn’t country, man. Johnny Cash is bigger than country. Johnny Cash is the fucking shit man. Johnny Cash rules the world!
Well, I didn’t know that.
You didn’t know man, now you know.
So what was the dream about?
We were in a bar, sitting on a pair of stools, downing shots. Laughing.
And I just wished I could be him so fucking bad, man.
I wanted to be Johnny Cash more than anything.
He was just sitting there and he was so fucking old and withered.
See 10,000 years of pain and life in his face.
I was hurting on the inside so bad man, so fucking bad.
I wanted to be him so fucking bad.
A fucking every man beyond time and place.
That’s what he is.
I can’t be that guy, you know.
Just talks to everybody.
Too wrapped up in my mixmatching of disenfranchised subcultures man.
Damn.
Yeah, I’m small.
Fucking small.
I’m really gonna do it man.
Do what?
Put on a show.
Yeah, a punk show, a Muslim punk show.
Call the taqwacore bands out west. Find a date when they can all make it.
I think it can work.
Yeah, where?
Anywhere, man.
Who would come?
a ton of people would come
come on, we got a ton of Muslims coming to the house Friday afternoon for prayers.
Yeah.
A lot of kufr punks coming to the house Friday nights.
Get em all in one place, at the same time, that’s a lot of heads.
This shit’s gonna happen.
Yeah.
Give it up for Ms. Muzzy
Okay. Proper introduction.
Yusef, this is Muzzamil. I told you about him a few weeks ago.
Hi, I’m Yusef.
Call me Ms. Muzzy
Yusef jaan, you won’t believe it man.
Muzzy’s telling us about the taqwacore scene out in San Fran.
Well it’s only a few bands right now but it’s a lot of good energy.
Yeah? So who are the biggest ones out there?
The Ghilman’s mainly. - Holy shit, they fucking rock.
Uh huh. - I’m trying to get them out to my show this winter.
Oh, that’d be fucking hot.
You know which was another good band to look out for?
The Guantanamo Bay Packers.
They’ve got really good songs so try and get them out too, okay?
Hey, Insha’Allah
So Ms. Muzzy, tell me. Why the hell would anyone leave San Francisco for this fucking shit hole?
Well she could have gone to Berkeley or something.
Well it’s an interesting little story behind that, ya see…
my parents believe that…
if you could take me out of the gays… then you could take the gay out of me.
So, they’re like really funny like that.
Yusef y’akhi. So you coming with me tonight?
Yeah, yeah.
Where you guys going?
Rochester Mosque.
We aren’t invited?
I wanna pray. - Me too man.
Huh?
I can’t believe I’m taking you freaks to the masjid.
Whatever dude. At least the girls decided not to come. Just don’t tell anybody Ms. Muzzy’s gay and we’ll be fine.
Don’t do that around me, let’s go. Let’s go.
What the fuck?
No beer or weed at the mosque.
I wouldn’t smoke in the mosque.
No… Thank you.
What’s up daddy, you wanna feel up inside my pussy, see what’s inside of there?
Shut up, honestly. Not today.
Take off the make up.
No gay material. No fag porn in my car. - Shut the fuck up.
Sorry … I had to change my pants and put my nice pants on. You okay?
I love masjids, man. No statues, no pictures. Nothing’s imposed on you, nothing’s in your way.
You know … the only thing that made me uncomfortable in masjids where the people.
Without them here it’s not so bad.
We should make two nafl rakas …
out of respect to the masjid
Come here.
What’s that?
My gift to the masjid. It’s a novel. First ever punk novel.
Punk novel?
This kid, Gideon Sams. He was 14 when he wrote it.
Reading this book… it’s like listening to a sahaba.
Who knows who’ll find it, you know? Maybe someone cool.
Did he write anything else?
Sheikh Sams? - Yeah.
I don’t think so.
He died when he was twenty-six.
Twenty-six?
The punk wasn’t meant to be anything big ya know, it just kinda happened.
Just kinda happened. Alayhe salaam.
Y’akhi. It’s good to lay with your head facing qiblah.
Right. Right, right, right.
Whatcha got there Pakistan?
It’s a classified section where parents look for suitable partners for their kids.
You’re kidding me, right?
No. Get this one … Egyptian parents looking correspondence for their daughter.
Looking for Arab origin USA born, never married and professional in medical field.
Wow … these people are crazy.
Yeah.
Could you imagine if we responded to these posts?
As-salammu alaikum, I;m Yusef
Pakistani, Sunni origin. Engineering student and a good family.
As-salammu alaikum. I’m Fasiq. No degree but I’m in pharmaceuticals.
As-salammu alaikum auntiee, I’m Jehangir. I’m here to marry… um… What’s your daughter’s name again?
As-salammu alaikum. I’m Umar. Your ad is haram.
Marhaba, I’m Muzzy. I’m here to sit on your son’s face.
Okay. We are turning to the Suratal-Nur, the thirty-fifth ayat…
Fasiq, brother. Please keep awake.
Sorry Umar.
Mash’Allah.
Allah Subhana wa Ta’Ala is the Light of the heavens and the earth.
Allah Subhana wa Ta’Ala … Light is like a lamp inside a niche.
Let’s just pray Fajr and go home.
Jehangir … you sober?
Sober as you are man.
You wanna lead?
Yeah.
Allahu Akbar.
Now, they say that your book is pioneering a whole new Islam.
Surely you must be receiving all kinds of death threats from angry Mohammadans.
Well it’s not easy being the voice of my generation.
but I think that my struggle is to reclaim true Islam
from those who have taken it hostage, or hijacked it if you will.
Those Muslim men. They just want to lock you in the house, right?
Absolutely!
If they had their way, I’d be under one of those hideous burlap sacks that they make their women wear.
Hey. Yo. How are you?
I’m good.
Listen, I brought you something. Two Friday’s from now …
I’m gonna give a sermon, I want you there, okay? - Of course.
And… I want you to present this to Umar and this is how you’re gonna get back in the house.
Read this later, alright? Whatever points are in here, I want you to bring up.
Alright? You’ll be back in the house Everything will be good to go. Alright?
Dude, how the fuck is Umar gonna let me back in the house, man?
He acts like he owns that shit
Fuck that man, fuck Umar. He’s never gonna let me back in the house, man
No, no, no, no. Fuck Umar? Okay, fuck you.
Me? Dude, I’m not a fuckin nazi piece of shit like him, man. - Fuck you.
He called me a Shi’ite piece of shit, he’s a fuckin Nazi dude. - Fuck you.
He’s a fucking hypocrite. He’s got tattoos all over his body, that’s haram like a motherfucker, dude. - Fuck you.
Fuck you.
What are you willing to give up to be in that house?
Think about that man.
Read through that, I’ll see ya in two weeks. okay?
These dumb bitches. With all of this airbrushing, like any of this is real.
How can that really be someone’s lips?
It’s call collagen, sweetie. Some white chicks do that. They ain’t got our nice ethnic lips.
Whites just gotta put some pig shit up in there. That pig fat.
So Yusef, Like, what do you like? Do you like the girls with the big fat lips like down there or up here?
What do you like to jerk off to sweetie?
I think you touched a nerve! Yusef, do you not jerk off?
That’s not a nice question to ask someone. - Oh no!
You like girls, right?
Of course.
But you’re not doing anyone?
No, I’m not doing anyone.
God Yusef! You’re the only sophomore at this school who’s never touched his penis!
Yusef, you gotta take care of that.
I don’t like to self abuse and you guys shouldn’t do that either.
Sweetie, it’s not abuse. It’s… fun.
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with not masterbating Yusef.
If you keep that shit inside of you it will poison you and make you do fucked up things.
Look at the catholic priests.
Wait a second, wait a second! Fatima here has been quiet.
Quiet as a mime!
What, I don’t know anything… I think it’s different for guys than it is for girls.
Oh shut up! - Maybe, but what does that have to do with being afraid to touch your own freaking anatomy?
Sweetie, you know how it works? I mean, you’ve look down there…
Stop! Geez, yeah, I know.
You know you don’t have to like stick anything in, right? - Yes!
Did you not learn anything in sex ed?
My mom took me out of school that week. She did!
Of course she took her out! She’s like, oh no, my daughter’s gonna see a penis. We can’t let that happen.
Alright, we’re gonna have to reframe and do a little va-ga-ga one-o-one.
Okay. I should, I should go
I’m gonna write a couple things on the black-- Oh, we have a fugitive.
I should really go and work on my paper. It’s due tomorrow.
No Yusef, stick around. You could learn a thing or two from me.
Rabeya, Rabeya. We’ve gotta clear out the cobwebs first. So let him go.
Thanks Ms. Muzzy.
Wait. Hand me that. You need this more than they do.
God damn it!
Vaginal lesson number one is this is a tampon.
Oh, that’s a good one. - Thank you.
I don’t use those.
Tampons do not de-virgin-ize you, okay?
Even if the hymen is broken by a tampon it doesn’t mean you’re not a virgin anymore.
Say goodbye to the Maxipad! Tampons’ coming in!
Yusef?
As-salammu alaikum.
On what days will you be coming home this semester?
Abu I think I’m gonna stay in Buffalo during the breaks.
Why Yusef? What’s the reason to stay?
I just, I just wanna hang out here
Hang out? What does that mean, hang out?
Abu, I gotta go. I gotta catch a bus.
Yusef! Yusef, don’t rush me!
Sorry, sorry, I gotta go!
Yusef! Astaghfur’Allah!
Stop, stop, stop.
Yusef! Let him go!
Let me talk to him, let me talk to him.
No, you talk from here. Alright?
My fucking sheets are still stained because of him.
My fucking sheets are still stained because of you! You know that!
Fuck dude! How many fucking times do I have to say I’m fucking sorry!
Free themselves from the unrightful prejudice toward specific sects.
I don’t give a fuck about that!
Dude, this is the official fatwa of Shaykh Mahmud Shaltut!
What the fuck are you talking about?!
Umar! Listen to me! Umar! Listen to me!
Calm down.
You really gonna deny a brother Friday prayer?
You want to answer to Allah for that? Fucking think about it.
Fuck!
Whatever.
Put a fucking shirt on this guy!
Okay. We’ll get a shirt. We’ll get you a shirt.
Dude, it’s so fucking good to be back man!
Khutba.
Islam is a fucking surrender.
That’s it.
Knowing that you don’t run the show, staying mindful of it in everything you do.
Take your hands off the wheel. See how it feels.
Islam isn’t about ayats and hadiths, and niches, and lamps.
It’s about us. All of us.
Allah’s too big and too open for my Islam to be small and closed
I’m so Muslim … I am so Muslim.
I can say fuck Islam.
You know Imam Husain said…
"He has no religion, let him at least be free in his present life."
Let’s pray.
Jehangir.
That was a beautiful khutbah today. Amazing, I’ve never heard anything like it man.
Yeah?
Bombs away baby!
I’m putting on a fucking show baby! - yeah
God damn right.
Been callin all my boys out West, their coming in a big fucking taqwacore caravan.
We’re gonna set it off. Set it off real fucking nice. - When?
December twenty-first. - Where?
Right here, baby. Insha’Allah
I can’t believe you got the Ghilmans to come out. And Al-Thawra. Like, it’s getting serious.
Yes, yes, yes, this place is gonna get over run with fucking taqwacore and it’s gonna be so good
I'm really excited
What about, what about, what’s her face?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dee Dee Ali and the guys are in.
Osama’s Tunnel Diggers!
They’re in there. We just threw them in there for you.
Another band wants to make it out.
That’s cool.
Yeah. - Which one?
Bilal’s Boulder.
No fucking way Jehangir. Those guys are bad news.
Yeah, I mean, they kind of are, but… They’re good at what they do
Bilal’s Boulder? They don’t even allow girls at their show.
Look, I know. But their taqwacore.
They’re gonna piss the other bands off.
Yeah, and we’re telling them it’s an all gender show right off the bat. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come.
Jehangir, they’re a bunch of cocks!
Muzzamil jaan.
If we deny a band their spot because we don’t like their attitude or their interpretations.
Then really it makes us no different than those who’ve excluded us.
Alright? - Alright. Bilal’s Boulder, cool.
So, how many people are gonna to be staying here?
I don’t know, I mean…
with the bands and all of the scenesters making it out …
a lot of people brother, a lot of people.
Where they all gonna sleep?
In the halls, in the basement. In your bedroom.
Listen, some of these taqwacores are girls.
Yeah.
You got any liwaticore bands coming out?
Yeah, we do.
You got them all sleeping together? Guys, girls, and liwats?
Piece of shit, I’m trying to have a fucking conversation.
Hold this.
Fucking relax, relax. look at me.
I knew the guy and girl thing was gonna bug you
So I invited the liwats so they could turn all the guys gay.
That way you don’t have anything to worry about.
Okay? Insha’Allah, it’s gonna be fine.
Fucking funny to you isn’t!? This is fucking funny? It's a fucking joke
Relax, relax.
Listen, listen… you need to fucking listen to me, okay? You need to be fucking careful.
Hug me.
Anything goes wrong with this shit and it’s on you this time.
I’m not cleaning up your fucking mess. Get the fuck off me.
Give me a hug. - Piece of shit.
Wait come back, give me a hug.
Muzzamil doesn’t want you to leave. Do you want him to leave?
Yeah, he can go fuck himself.
He said he loves you!
Umar. Umar. Are you okay?
Everything’s fine.
You don’t seem okay.
Is that why you’re here?
I wanted to ask you something.
Shoot away.
Why can’t we all be in the same room together and get along?
Have you seen the fucking parties in my hallway?
Have you seen the walls in this house?
The people that come into this house.
We have that fucking liwat hanging out upstairs.
That’s not his name.
Fuck his name.
I just … I just think it’s really disrespectful.
The way you are to people.
That’s all I had to say.
What? Is that Jehangir talking?
Huh?
It’s not you, Yusef.
It’s not you talking man.
fuck.
So Imam, what you’re saying is that the Republican Party should be doing more outreach to American Muslims?
Yes yes yes, Because Muslims and Christians share the same values.
We are bother opposed to some of these crazy social trends that you see today.
These crazy social trends like what, gay marriage?
Absolutely. Christians and Muslims should stand united against the homosexual agenda invading our country.
Wow, Imam, I gotta tell you. I’m really touched here. I feel like we’ve built some bridges tonight.
Yusef.
Yeah
Come out here a second.
Okay
So, what’s up?
One of the bands called up Jehangir from a gas station. Like an hour ago.
Yeah
They’ll be coming any minute now.
I can’t wait.
Is that all?
No. I think I figured it out.
Figured what out?
Why Rabeya wears a burqa.
Why?
For the same reason I got this.
Shit.
Dee Dee Ali! The queen of taqwacore!
Hey!
What’s up mama?! Fuck, you look great! Look at that? Is that Secret Trial Five?
We made these on the bus when we were on tour together. - That’s beautiful. Let me grab that from you.
Will you grab that? What the hell you got your pants down for, man?
I was on the shit-er. - I knew it. What the shit is this?
What?
What’s this? It’s fucking nuts. It’s fucking freezing out here.
Come on we’re Buffalo baby! Coldest fucking Muslim’s on the planet.
Well then you better get me inside and warm me up. - Want me to warm you up?
Tonight we party. Tomorrow’s the show. bring it!
Look at these guys!
Pretty punk rock, huh?
The star of David?
Yeah man, it’s like…
It’s like Sid Vicious wearing the swastika.
You know, punk’s all about pissing people up and the…
Taqwacore is punk rock for Muslims, so this is punk up the fucking ass, man!
But what’s the point? I mean, you’re just offending people.
You’re just getting everyone riled up.
What do you mean? - I mean... - Huh?
As-salaamu alaikum!
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
Kahif alaikum y'akhi!
Good, good.
How you doing?
Good.
Man, I’m the fucking proof of everything this fucking shit says, the whole shit.
The Qur’an tells you not to drink, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Don’t fucking drink. I went ahead and I fucked that all up.
I fucked my whole life up. By fucking fingerin little school girl’s twats and then fucking puking in their hair.
That’s the kinda shit that I do. That’s my life.
Qur’an tells you to keep your dick dry til you’re married, right?
You keeping your dick dry?
Yes.
You know how many haram cunts I’ve had?
Now I got green shit coming out of my dick…
and I’ve got cauliflowers coming out my asshole.
You want cauliflowers growing out your asshole?!
No.
So read your fucking Qur’an! Get it right in there!
Get your fucking Qur’an right in there! Right in here! And live it out!
And don’t forget! Or else you’re gonna end up just like me.
Go fucking back to medical school, be a fucking good Muslim doctor.
Hey! As’salaamu alaikum, man. Guys it’s fucking Bilal’s Boulder.
What’s going on brother?
Wa alaikum.
What’s going on?
Brother we just came to say salaams. We’re sleeping in the van.
No brother, we’ve got plenty of room here.
I mean, not plenty of room but you know, we got a big ass house, what’s four more guys?
Brother, al’hamdulilah. Thank you so much but we are sleeping in the van.
Y’akhi it’s fucking freezing outside. Come on now.
You guys don’t know how Buffalo - We are okay.
Al-hamdulilah.
Never seen such scary dudes with such soft voices.
Yeah, they’re a different bunch.
They’re a bunch of cocks, Jehangir!
They’re decent guys.
They’re just a little rough to deal with sometimes. Alright?
They’re hate mongers. If they had the chance they would have thrown me from a minaret.
Yeah Muzzamil.
They hate you.
They hate me too.
They hate all of us for something.
Look at us.
We’re the ones that have always been excluded, afraid to be ourselves.
And now what? We get our own scene and start pushing people to the sidelines? Does that make sense?
Fuck that.
Fuck being as small as they are.
Be big.
Be bigger than them.
Hey yo, brother. What’s up man?
Hey, watch it!
Man, hey. What’s going on?
I’m going to be with our guests.
Did I ever tell you about the band I had out West?
No.
You had a band?
Yeah.
We called ourselves…
"Hi, my name is Allah"
It’s the most blasphemous thing we could think of.
Though our intentions were pure, we came off as pretty fucking disrespectful, man.
What happened to the band?
I couldn’t do it anymore, man.
Whenever I sang I used to get these…
Awful fucking stomach aches, man.
Like a mess of fucking scissors jumbled up inside me.
My own body was disagreeing with me.
Are you okay?
Fuck, Yusef.
There’s all these ayats and hadiths against about making divisions in your religion.
And there’s gonna be seventy-two sects of Islam at the end of the world, right?
But only one can be right.
What if we’re another one of those wrong sects?
No, this is not a sect.
Yeah, that’s why I invited Bilal’s Boulder.
Yeah, they’re cocks y’akhi, they’re fucking cocks. We all know their cocks.
This isn’t a sect if we keep it open, man.
If we don't form the farqa…
Groups.
Please Allah.
I know you have no reason to listen to me.
Because I’m shit.
Please...
Don’t make this a sect.
As-salaamu alaikum
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
I’m Harun. I write Ordinance twenty. Ordinance twenty, the taqwacore zine.
So it really happened like that, huh?
Yeah.
That makes him like a martyr, right?
I mean, I don’t know .. If I’d put it like that way, exactly.
Fair enough… what about his stuff? Is any of it still here? - No. - What happened?
It all got thrown out.
Alright … what was he really like? I mean, you know did he pray five times a day? What…what, what did he do?
You know what? Can we please, just let him rest?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. - Thank you
Well, the others in the house. I mean, there was the girl in the burqa, the Shi’a skinhead, that straight edger…
They all moved out.
And in a couple of days… I will be out of here too, you know.
Well I gotta tell ya brother… especially looking around
I didn’t expect to see someone like you to answer the door.
I guess I just, was thinking maybe you know it would be someone more…
I don’t know, more like a
Like a punk?
Yeah, more like a punk.
I’m sorry I let you down.