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Subtitles by explosiveskull
[Keith] Although, violent protests have been
a consistent feature of the current state of the nation,
today's intense wave seem to have been triggered
by the government's announcement of something they are calling
the “Patriot's Oath,” a state sponsored initiative
to have Americans sign a loyalty waiver of sorts.
White House spokeswoman, Kerry Nance,
elaborated on the program.
[Kerry] People are frightened these days.
There are a lot of folks in this country
who are actively engaging in activities that are counter
to our values and are quite frankly dangerous...
[Sharon] I'm gonna be honest, it's really intense down here.
We're gonna see if we can go in, take a closer look
and talk to some people on the ground. Sir?
[crowd chanting] Just say "Oath"!
- [Sharon] Don't touch me! - [man] Sharon!
[Sharon] Ow! Stop it! Get off my hair!
[man] Someone help her!
- [Sharon] Help! Ow! - [glass shatters]
- [man] Sharon! - [crowd chanting]
[man] Can someone get to Sharon?
[Sharon] Somebody? Help!
[sirens wailing]
[Kerry] I want to know...
that they see this country the way that I do.
The Oath provides us a White Pages
of people we know we can count on.
- Yes, Alan. - [Alan] There will be
a natural apprehension to something like this,
so what do you say to the people who fear
that if they don't sign this thing
that this is a way of separating the people that are...
- [Kerry] No, hold on. - ...with the administration...
- Hold on, Alan. Hold on. - ...and that are against this...
This is America. We cannot force people
to say that they love their country.
Nothing happens if you don't sign.
But if you do sign, there are perks.
Like I laid out earlier,
you are eligible for an EITC tax credit.
We want to reward those who trust and honor their country...
- Are they serious? - This is crazy!
[Kerry] And it's not like we have a day
or a week or a month to do this.
The deadline for signing is the day after Thanksgiving.
Black Friday.
That is almost a year from now, that gives the public...
ample time to give this fair consideration.
But I can tell you something,
a lot of people will not need that time.
They support this country
and they're not afraid to let people know it.
- Kai... - [Kerry] Next question.
- ...we can't sign this thing. - Yeah, you're right!
- This is insane. - Yeah, I mean...
what is happening to the country?
- This... - [Kai] Hmm.
...this is unacceptable!
You know what...
if you think, I'm gonna let that little girl
grow up in shit like this, you're wrong.
And you and I have a job to do.
We got to fight this. This cannot happen.
I'm not gonna allow this to happen
- in my daughter's country. - Oh, you getting fired up, huh?
I am fired up! I'm very upset about this shit.
Take your shirt off.
- You want my shirt off? - Yeah, I want your shirt off.
- [Kai] Mmm! - It's not, you know...
- you looking beefy! - Well, no. It's not what it was
ten years ago, but I hurt my lower back...
- Yeah... - I have like half a pec there...
- Mmm! Yes. - I got one of these.
Ooh, that's what Mommy likes!
Flex them titties, boy!
You're gonna make me start breastfeeding.
I'm not gonna get fat though.
'Cause if I get fat, you're gonna leave me for Drake.
Drake wishes I would.
[man on TV] These protesters I mean,
they're whipping things up into a frenzy...
Everybody here just needs to calm down.
[woman on TV] Don't tell me to be calm.
Mmm, take your pants off.
[woman on TV] I'm starting to hear very troubling
things about activists being threatened.
- [Chris] I'm not done with you. - [Kai] Oh, yeah.
[woman on TV] This is the beginning of a purge
and it needs to be stopped before it goes any further.
[man on TV] We got five days left to sign this thing.
I don't think we're gonna make it.
I mean, New Orleans is a disaster zone.
This is how Milwaukee started, everyone. It is very similar...
[woman on TV] 'Cause the Citizens Protection Unit.
I don't know who they're protecting,
but it's not the citizens.
And you know, I'm gonna say it,
there's a real Gestapo-ey feeling to that.
[woman 2 on TV] Here we go again. New record
for number of people called a Nazi!
[woman 1] Well, I'm sorry,
- but it's true! - [man] Okay,
- enough with the Nazi's. No... - [woman 1] You know it's true.
- [Hardy] Can I have some bacon? - [cellphone rings]
[Kai] No bacon, baby.
Can I have peanut butter and jelly?
[Kai] Uh, no.
You're having cereal for breakfast today.
If I eat my cereal can I have peanut butter and jelly?
- Sure. - [Hardy whispers] Yes.
[Hardy] Dad, Mom said I can have peanut butter and jelly!
That is awesome.
- Kai, look at this. - Hmm?
People were protesting the oath last night in New Orleans,
CPU showed up, f-u-c-k-e-d everyone.
- Damn. - Look at that. Uh... [scoffs]
It's happening!
We're gonna have Milwaukee again, I guarantee it.
That is a fact.
All right, well can we just...
- [Chris] Right, right. Sorry. - [Kai] Yeah, exactly.
Okay, uh, my folks get here at like 3:30...
- Mm-hmm. - Are you ready for the assault?
I'll be fine. Because I'm fine with them.
It's you that has the weird issues, will you be fine?
Yes, I will be fine, and I have to save room
for my brother when gets here and says something so stupid
I call him a f-u-c-k-i-n-g moron.
Okay, FYI...
Baby girl can spell now. So...
Did you understand what I just said?
Yes, you just said a bad word.
I am s-o-r-r-y.
[Chris] Okay that's good to know!
Oh God, I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go.
Hey, Hardy, kiss blow on three, two, one...
- I love you. - I love you.
- I'll see you at like 5:30ish. - Okay.
All right, call 911 if my parents act up.
[Hardy chuckles]
- Your Daddy crazy. - Yeah.
[radio host] Now, here's the deal.
Seventy-four percent of the country
have already signed this thing.
- No way! - [host] And that's just a fact!
- And facts don't care... - Bullshit!
...about your feelings!
[woman on radio] No, no. That's not true.
- The real number is closer... - That is such a lie.
...to 40 percent, that is the real aggregate...
Exactly, thank you. Thank you.
...and that poll you referenced is an outlier!
[man over radio] How is this stupid oath
going to end up being what destroys our country?
[man 2] This is like a banana republic, but it's worse.
- It's an old navy... - [knock on door]
- What up? - Hey brother.
Dude, are you following this New Orleans shit?
Yeah, it is fucked up, man.
Do you mind if I sit?
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
[sighs] So, Chris, I'm signing it.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
What? How is that possible, dude?
We were the guys! We were the guys that led
- the march around the building! - I know.
- We're the two holdouts! - I know.
Dude, we drove to Chicago for that rally!
Do you remember that fart? The “Lingerer”?
I remember the fart. I remember the “Lingerer.”
Remember the Vine we made about the fart?
[imitates fart] "Ooh", remember that?
- [Dan chuckles] - Come on, dude!
Chris, this whole thing is getting really scary.
- I know. - Do you know...
Paige's cousin from Philly, her boyfriend?
[sighs] His brother organized a rally...
and the CPUs came to his house and they just took him.
- What? - [Dan] Yeah.
- Are you serious? - [Dan] Yes.
She hasn't talked to him in two days,
fucking lawyers haven't talked to him.
No one knows where he is, I don't know what's going on.
- Paige is freaking out. - Is this verified?
Is it ver... What do you mean, it's ver...
I'm telling you right now. This is first hand.
Well, no... [sighs]
It's not first hand. [stutters] It's like...
- third hand. - I don't understand.
Well, it's not you...
Are you calling Paige... Are you calling Paige's cousin a liar?
That'd be a fucked up thing to do!
I'm not calling Paige's cousin a liar,
but maybe Paige's cousin's,
whatever, friend's boyfriend's brother is a liar.
I don't know, do you even know this person? [laughs]
Do I even... Yes,
I met at him at Paige's aunt's wedding!
Okay, we're really living in Paigeville it sounds like now,
I just...
I feel like maybe you're compromising
your values system based off of information
you're getting from someone you don't know very well.
I think, you should maybe reconsider it.
This is a really difficult situation for all of us, okay?
And you're making this really hard for me.
Hey man...
I thought we were gonna do this together...
but you got to do what's right for you.
I'm sorry.
So, are you still gonna hold out?
Yeah, I think so. I mean...
even if I wanted to sign, I don't think Kai would let me.
- You know. - Good for you, man.
I'm living vicariously through you.
Stop it, come on, man. It's all good.
All right.
- [Chris] All right, man. - All right.
[Dan] Phew.
[sighs]
Happy Thanksgiving.
[sighs] Fu...
[man] I don't know what to say here.
Just, uh, you know, don't get hurt?
Don't get into any actual physical altercations
with any family members. Happy Thanksgiving.
- [Chris] Hi! - Oh, hey babe.
- What's up baby? Hi. - Hey.
How annoying are they being? One to ten.
Uh, they are at a one. But you are a level four.
- Four? - Four.
I just got home!
- Well, hello! - [Eleanor] Hi!
[Eleanor] There's your Daddy!
- Oh my goodness! - Hi, baby.
- Hi, Mom! - Oh, I miss you!
I miss you too.
[football commentary on TV]
- You look tired. Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
Will you shave for Thanksgiving?
I will not.
What do you say, Dad? How are you?
The toilet paper roll broke off the wall, I fixed it.
Good, good, good, good.
Um, can I show you my mosaic I made?
Um, I would love to see it.
It's good to see you guys.
Pop, can you turn it down a little bit? It's kinda loud.
- Just turn it off, honey. - No, no he can turn it on.
- Oh, he can turn it off. - Fine, I'll turn it off.
- I don't need to see it. - You don't have to turn it off.
You can turn it... Okay.
Oh, no, you want to hit "satellite."
[Chris] No, it's... Now it's in Spanish.
- That's sap. - [Spanish commentary plays]
You're not gonna... You wanna hit the...
No, no, no, I got it, I got it. Just...
Okay, it's fine. No, no, no. It's fine. It's good.
You can do whatever you want,
whatever you wanna do, it's fine.
[Eleanor] You press the lower button.
[Hank] I got it.
And the volume's perfect here 'cause I can hear it
all the way in the other room.
Wait, what did Jo say? What happened?
She came out and said, "Surprise”, and Jo said,
“Are you kidding me?”
Are you hitting me? Or kidding me?
Kidding me.
Jo is your funniest friend, I think.
[Hardy] Can I watch Lab Rats?
- Yes. - [cellphone rings]
But only one episode. And not an extra-long one!
[sighs] Jesus Christ.
- What's wrong? - It's New Orleans.
That shit's blowing up tonight, it's bad.
- People are going to die. - Christopher, we said
- we weren't gonna do that. - Mom, it's not politics.
It's... it's...
current events, you know, it's the news. It's happening now.
I was very clear in my e-mail that we're not talking politics!
It's going to ruin the entire weekend,
you're destroying Thanksgiving. Explain it to him, Hank.
I'm not getting involved.
[Eleanor] Hank...
There is nothing to be involved in...
I put my phone away, I'm not gonna ruin Thanksgiving.
- I promise. I promise. - [Hank] Attaboy.
All right?
- Rest assured. - [Eleanor] Thank you.
What else?
What's new with Mom and Dad, what's going on with you guys?
Same old!
- Did you hear about Nancy Adams? - No.
- Stroke. Dead. - [Hank] Hmm.
Oh, no.
- Wow. - [Eleanor] Yeah.
- What a mess. - Yeah, it's sad.
What neighborhood is this?
Um, Mid-Town.
[indistinct conversation on radio]
I don't recognize it,
I don't think I've never been here before.
It's basically our neighborhood.
- We're just two blocks that way. - [tires screech]
What is this guy doing? Man, come on. Dude, move.
- [Chris] Whoa, whoa. - [tires screeching]
- [car honking] - [Chris] Jesus.
- [man] What's your problem? - No, no, no.
- I'm pinned in here. - What's he doing?
- I don't know, Mom. - What's that guy doing?
[man] What the fuck are you stopping for?
- Get out the car! - [Eleanor gasps]
- [woman] Leave me alone! - [Eleanor gasps]
- Oh, my God. - Okay, okay.
Oh, my God. Back out, get out of here!
I'm gonna say something to this guy. I got it.
- [Eleanor] Christopher! - Hey, man! That's enough!
[Eleanor] Stop it, Christopher, don't!
Oh, my God, what's that guy doing?
[Chris] I don't know, I don't know.
- [Eleanor] He's got a knife! - Oh, my God.
- I know, I know, no, no, no, no! - [Eleanor] Close it, close it!
- No! Stop, stop! - Close the window.
- [car honks] - Hardy, it's okay.
- Get out of here! Get out... - I can't get out of here, Mom!
- I can't! - Get out of here! Don't do that!
[Eleanor] Oh, he's coming over. Oh, my God, what's he doing?
- Stop! Stop it! - Stop it! Get out of here!
[Eleanor] Drive away! Drive away!
Fuck you, faggot!
Oh, my God.
[Eleanor] Let him go away, let him go away.
- Get the fuck out of my country. - [Eleanor] God. He's leaving.
Hardy, you okay?
Are you okay, baby?
[Eleanor] Get out of here, move.
- I still... I can't, Mom. I'm... - Well just back out,
I don't know how, just do something!
There's a car behind me, Mom! I'm trying to handle it!
Where do these go? The fennel.
Uh, fennel goes in the fridge. Cheese will go in the fridge.
Um, radishes can stay out.
- Shallots are dry. Garlic... - Shallots are dry.
- [Kai clears throat] - Hey.
[Kai] Hardy said you were yelling at a man in the car?
Yeah, yeah.
- There was this road rage thing. - What?
I didn't have it! This other guy had it.
I didn't have road rage. You know, this guy came up
and he pulled out a knife and started slashing tires
and I just... you know, I yelled at him to stop.
Okay. well, in the future,
let's not yell at crazy people when Hardy's in the car.
What if he would've rolled up on you?
You weren't even there. And I handled it beautifully.
I kept my cool.
- So... thanks. - [doorbell rings]
Oh, is that Patrick? Hank! Patrick's here!
[Hank] I'm up! I'm up!
- [doorbell rings] - [Kai] We cool?
- [doorbell rings] - [exhales]
- Hey! - Yo, yo!
- What's up, man, how are you? - What's up.
- Hi! - Hi Katie, good to see you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
What?
What is that?
Abbie. Not Katie.
[Pat] Abbie.
Ugh! I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
Come on, man! We've been together for like a year!
No, I know, I know, I just thought... Katie was the old one.
Don't say the old one. Don't even mention the old one.
- Just help me out, man! - I'm sorry.
Make yourself at home, Abbie!
- So, the... - Uh... Go ahead. Sorry.
I was gonna say, the place looks good.
- Thanks, man. - Is this room new?
[Kai scoffs]
The living room?
No.
- No. - Pat, why'd you get in so late?
- Was your flight delayed? - Ugh!
There were all these fucking protestors at the airport,
- so it took forever. - Yeah.
The good job guys, piss off everyone.
- [Abbie] Yeah. - [Pat] Idiots.
[Abbie] Totally.
Hey, this coffee is great, but I think,
I'm ready to move onto the beer portion of the day.
- [Hank] I'll join you. - Yeah! You having one?
No, no, no, it's really early. But I will go get them for you.
Sure, I'll take one.
- Okay. - Thank you.
- So, Abbie, how's work? - Oh, um...
I was hurt, Eleanor. I'm on worker's comp.
Oh no! What happened?
Um, well, what happened was, I was leaving my office
and a co-worker decided to hit me with her car.
- Oh, my God! - Thank you.
Yeah, I broke my clavicle and two bones in my right foot.
Yeah, thank you so much, Lydia Wong.
[Pat scoffs]
What? Okay, well...
- I'm sorry? - Well, that's not...
[scoffs]
- That's not appropriate. - [Abbie] I'm sorry?
- That's not appropriate. - [Pat] What?
- Chris? - No, you said her last name
in a way that implied that Asian women are bad drivers.
That is not the case. And that is offensive, I'm sorry.
I absolutely did not say her name in a way that implied that.
There was an emphasis on that Wong.
- [Abbie] There was no emphasis. - [Pat] Hey, hey, and by the way,
- some of them are bad drivers. - Bad drivers.
Percentage-wise, who do you think gets in more car accidents
in this country, white men or Asian women?
- [chuckles] Asian women? - No, Dad. No.
White men. I wouldn't have said it if it was Asians.
Statistically speaking, Asians, safest drivers of any race.
- That's a fact. - Okay.
- Okay, Chris. Okay. - How do you know that?
- Why do you know that? - Yeah.
'Cause I read an article about it.
Okay, was that article published by Asians?
[Eleanor and Hank laugh]
Anyways, I'm so sorry that happened to you, Abbie.
Thank you, Kai.
But it was actually kinda fun, I have to say.
Because I couldn't really move, so, I did a lot
- watching TV... - Mm-hmm.
...kind of catching up on TV, and reading and...
mixing it up with people online.
- [Eleanor] Mixing it up? - Mm-hmm.
- [Abbie] Yeah. - I like that!
- [Abbie] Yeah. - [Eleanor] I do.
What do you mean by that? Who are you mixing it up with?
Oh, haters, primarily. And losers, also.
- Haters and losers? - [Abbie] Mm-hmm.
Oh, babe, babe. We have to get Hardy
because we have to Facetime my parents before they leave.
- Oh. - Okay, come on.
- Okay. - Come on.
[Chris] What is she talking about?
What the fuck is that shit?
- Man, you needed a break. - Yeah, I need a break.
- Kai, Kai, Kai. - Okay. You needed a break.
Let me tell you something, right now.
My brother, I love him. [laughs]
What an asshole. And his girlfriend... [laughs]
...she sucks.
- I did call her Katie. Yes! - No you didn't.
- You've met her before! - I know.
One time at Uncle Lou's funeral! I was grieving!
Okay, well, we know she's not great...
- Yeah. - ...and we know that,
so, let's just be cool with it and deal with it, okay?
Okay. I'm telling you right now, if these motherfuckers
bring up the Oath, I'm gonna lose my mind. Okay?
I'm sure they're all about it. And if they go there,
I. Will. Drop. Some. Shit.
No. You. Won't. You wanna know why?
Because I will drop some shit on you.
And I don't even know what the fuck that means!
Can we just chill?
Huh?
Look. Let's try to avoid
that conversation for the next three days, okay?
- No... no oath convo. - Okay.
Let's leave the oath in the streets...
- Yep. Yep. - And let's enjoy the holiday.
- Okay. [sighs] - All right?
God, that I don't believe in...
give me the strength to get through
the next three days, please. Amen.
Hallelujah to that.
Okay, let's Facetime your parents.
Oh no, I just said that to get you out of the room.
- That was a ruse? - Yes, that was a ruse.
- You're the greatest. [kisses] - Mm.
I don't know. Okay, let's go
[Chris] Hello!
[country rock music plays]
[Hank] Jackson could do it all. He's got all the tools.
- [Chris] There you go. - And Grinnel.
- He's got a sick arm. - [Chris] Hey.
Oh, yeah, I bet he'll wind up in Tampa.
Oh, for sure. He's a big motherfucker.
- Whoa. - Easy, easy on the language.
Yeah, man. Can we try not swearing for like a second?
- Just one second, please? - Sorry. Sorry.
Sir, your apps are on the way, can I get anyone another drink?
I'll do another SoCo and Coke.
[waitress] Anyone else?
I think we're good.
[Abbie giggles]
What's so funny? What do you got going on over there?
[snorts] I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I just...
I posted this article to Facebook
and this guy just called me a dumb bitch,
- so, I am fucking with him. - Let's watch the swears, Ka...
[slurps]
Were you just about to call me Katie?
No. I said,
“Let's watch the swears, K?” Like, “okay.”
- No, you didn't. - What do I do here?
- What do I do here, man? - Get my name right!
- It's really not that hard. - Hey, hey, hey!
- It's sort of base respect. - Hey! Remember, we had a talk?
Just... Both of you need to chill.
[indistinct chatter]
- [thud] - [Chris] Whoa.
[old man] Goddamn, plain bullshit, you hear me!
[manager] Excuse me, sir, what's the problem?
These punks are talking bullshit against our country.
[man] We can say whatever we want.
[old man] No, you can't say whatever you want!
Hardy, I'm gonna say some names from Hogwarts,
and I want you to tell me what house they're from.
- [man] Fuck off old man. - [man 2] Settle down.
- [Chris] Hey, hey, hey! - [old man] You fuck off!
- Fuck the Oath, they say! - [manager] Sir, please...
She's in Ravenclaw.
- [Kai] Yes, she is. - You fuck off right now.
You fuck off, do you hear me? Goddammit!
You should feel grateful that you live in this country!
You should feel grateful
that you live in the United States of America!
Fuck off.
Fuck you all! Don't you put your goddamn hands on me.
[woman shouting]
[Eleanor] You touched all the food.
All right, well... [sighs]
- My hands are clean. - You're all family.
- Have some celery, baby. - Germs don't really...
The CPU, or Citizen's Protection Unit,
that grew out of a division of Homeland Security,
has been accused of being responsible
for the disappearances of several dozen activists,
including actor Seth Rogen.
Jesus Christ. They took Seth Rogen. He's gone.
- Straight up took him. - Are you serious?
Yeah. And, and @philorange. Gone.
- No one knows where he is. - I don't even know who that is.
@philorange, he organized that big Oath Rally in Chicago
- that I went with fucking Dan. - [Kai grunts]
Dude, the government is straight up taking people
and killing them!
- [Kai yawns] - Hey...
Hmm?
It's gonna be scary the next couple days...
we just gotta remember who we are...
and we gotta remember that
we're not gonna let them change who we are.
Mm-hmm.
- I love you. - Love you, too.
I'm gonna watch the news for a little bit more, okay?
- Okay. - [Keith] You have no idea,
if they were taken by this government, you're saying that
our government spent the time and resources...
Of course, they're gonna trot out this fuckin idiot
- to defend it. Sorry. - Shh.
[doorbell rings]
- Hello, hello! - Daddy keeps making poop.
- What? - I think he has the flu.
- No, no! - Hi.
- Dude, don't touch me. - [Chris] And just...
I was not a popular person on the plane. [clears throat]
- It was a rough eight hours. - I'm so sorry.
- [chuckles] - Um, I could use a drink,
- I'll be honest. - Yep.
- I love the additions! - Thank you.
And I love the new sconces!
- Thank you! - I made these by hand.
- I... I smithed them. - I... You did not.
- I did. - I know you did not.
- You cannot build anything. - I... I can't build anything.
I am not a real man.
No, but you can cook, baby, so, you are a real man.
- I can cook, this is true. - He can cook.
Speaking of masculine and cool, where is Pat?
I don't know. I think he's in the shower
with his girlfriend or something?
I don't know. I don't know, guys.
How many fights have the two of you got into?
- Like half of one? Hmm. - Uh, I counted three.
If you're including arguments, three.
- Listen... - Ow! Shit. [laughs]
[Chris] I know, I know.
- What up, sis? - Oh, my God! [laughs]
Please put pants on! Please put pants on.
Sorry, I wanted to see my sister first!
- Hi Abbie, how are you? - Good.
- Thanks.
[Alice exhales] I'm so excited to see everybody!
[Pat] Is that the hottest the shower gets, by the way?
- [crickets chirp] - [Chris] Thank you.
- All right, pizza! Pizza! Pizza! - [door closes]
Muah! Okay, Zootopia in 30 seconds!
[Chris] Whoa, whoa. Heyo.
- These are heavy, man. - Nice.
I got a one, I got a due, a three.
Do you have one that's just pineapple? That's for Abbie.
I got half of one that's just pineapple
and she can have the whole thing.
Hey, does Clark want some?
No, I gave him a saltine earlier and his anus exploded.
- Jesus! - It was like fireworks.
- [cellphone rings] - You guys would've love it,
it was super patriotic.
That's disgusting.
[Pat] Hey, have you tried our water?
- For what? - [Pat] Just, like, for him
to drink to flush everything out.
Yeah. It was the first thing we tried.
- Turn on the news. - It's a good idea, babe.
- What? - Turn on the news. Right now.
- Right there, turn it on. - [Alice] What?
[Jason on TV] The optics are stunning.
Gus Alverson, eight-term congressman
and head of the Congressional Black Caucus...
- being taken away... - [Chris] Holy shit.
...in handcuffs. Truly shocking.
[Chris] Unbelievable.
- What'd he do? - Nothing, Mom!
- He didn't do anything. - He didn't do nothing.
He lit a copy of the Oath on fire
in front of some constituents.
That's not nothing, last time I checked.
That is so not illegal.
You can do whatever you want, you can take the American flag
and could shove it up your asshole.
- Oh, God! - Christopher, please.
It's not illegal, Mom. Why...
And who are you getting this information from?
- @fatasspatriot. - Okay, yeah.
Well, he's a good source @fatasspatriot.
In the rich tradition of Rather and Murrow,
and @fatasspatriot?
- Hey, hey! Chill out, man! - That's fucking ridiculous!
First of all, he's verified.
He's a verified fucking idiot!
Second of all, Alverson's a show boater.
Okay, we all know that. He just wants... he wants the attention...
- He wants... - Fuck that shit, dog!
- [Eleanor] Christopher, enough. - No, no, fuck that.
The guy is a civil rights icon.
They're arresting opposition leaders, Pat.
It's not the way it's supposed to work in this country!
Then they shouldn't be violently protesting!
Okay? And for the record, maybe more politicians
should be in handcuffs. They're all crooks.
What a hot take.
"Urgh, you should lock 'em all up!”
- Hey, no... - Are you guys in here fighting
- right now? TV, off. - Can I get a plate, please?
Turn on some music.
Alice, I got pineapple, I heard
- that's what you like, Abbie. - Yes, thank you, Kai.
- I'm good, I'm good, I'm done. - Knock it off. Stop it.
[Alice] But, did you get one
- without gluten? - [Kai] Come again?
- I was looking... - Say what?
Did you get one without gluten?
Beautiful.
[Alice laughs] Thank you. Beautiful.
[Kai] All right, I'm gonna take this to the kids.
[Alice] You guys, it tastes just like the real thing!
Does anyone want wine?
I'll get some.
I think you have a fever.
- [knock on door] - Come in.
How you feeling, Clark?
Empty.
Sorry about the smell.
It's okay, we're gonna move.
I'd love to sleep somewhere else tonight,
- do you have another room? - No, this is it.
This is all I got.
Alice, can I go talk to you outside about that thing?
- [Alice] Yes. - [Clark] No.
- Yes. - Yes.
- You guys... It's not fair. - Do you want some of that?
Okay, let me know if you need anything.
- [kisses] I love you. - Go, go, go. It's happening.
- It's happening. It's happening. - Let's go.
- [lighter flicks] - [dog barking]
Wow. [giggles]
- Fucking cool guy. - Yeah, you are.
But let a pro... let a pro do it.
- Show me how it's done, sis. - Okay.
Don't laugh!
Are you okay, after that monster hit?
Don't laugh!
Seriously, when is the last time you got high? I'm curious.
Oh. Okay. Clark and I went to see Pearl Jam.
- And... - Already cool.
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
And he thought we should get a pot brownie...
Mm-hmm.
...and we did, and I fell asleep in the second song.
- [both chuckle] - Yeah!
[Alice] But you know what was great?
- [Alice] Their first song. - I bet it was great.
[Alice] Ah, such a good first song.
[sighs]
It's good to see Mom.
I mean, I need someone in my life whose job it is
- to tell me who's died recently. - [snickers] Yep. Yep. Yeah.
- I need that person. I know. - She's the obituary.
Oh boy. Oh, actually, she has two jobs.
Her other job is to say,
[imitates Eleanor] “You and your brother gotta stop fighting
and I'm goddamn serious!"
- Okay. - "Stop it!”
- Well, with that, she's right. - I know,
- I know! - Enough of that, seriously.
I know that you don't agree with him, and we are right.
- Yes! We are right! - We are right.
- And he is wrong. - He's wrong.
- But you just don't go there. - Okay, okay.
- Okay? - I won't go there.
Can I say one thing about... her and I'll let it go after that?
- Okay. - Like, for real, she sucks.
She's... she's like a bad person.
And it's just like, his world view is already fucked up
and she's making it worse. It's gasoline on a fire,
I don't like what I'm seeing, and I think it sucks.
I bet those two signed the Oath like that.
Fucking bullshit.
Alice...
- No! No! - Don't be mad.
- You signed it? - I signed it.
- [scoffs] What? - I didn't want to!
Clark was freaked out,
his company was just putting a lot of pressure.
So, we came to the conclusion that the thing to do...
was to sign it, uh, and then just
keep fighting the good fight, but on the D.L.
- Sorry. - Mm-mm.
Are you mad?
Because I'm gonna be mad at you if you're mad at me.
No, no, no. I'm not! I'm not mad, I'm not mad.
I'm just a little...
I don't know, a little surprised.
But listen, hey, hey, hello,
you and Clark have your life and your family,
and gotta do what is right for you.
And I'm not gonna sit here and be like,
“You're wrong!” So...
- Alice signed. - She did?
Yeah.
You okay with that?
I don't know.
No.
I'm just sad for her, I guess. I don't know. [scoffs]
Well she's gotta do what she thinks is right for her family.
Yeah, I know, she made a huge mistake
and now she has to live with it, so...
You want to watch the news?
Nah.
[sighs]
And that...
We're in a very good place. Na, na, na, na.
Okay.
Here we go. And I would say
we got about 90 minutes left on that turkey, Ma.
- How are we doing over here? - Good.
The nuts are done, the appetizers are fine.
How do you want me to cut these carrots?
Fine dice please.
All right, hello! Whoa!
- How are we doing over here? - We're almost done!
Okay, so listen, five minute warning
and then you are in charge of setting the kids' table.
- I'm in charge! - Always!
The burning I can handle,
it's just the flaking that drives me crazy.
Do you have a cream for that?
[Chris] I got some nuts for you guys.
- Some herbs and stuff. - It's crusty...
Just keep having that gross conversation.
Wash your hands before you eat those!
Hey, slow down, Asher!
Okay, what have we got right here?
Hotsie-totsie. Oh, yeah.
[Eleanor] Is this dice fine enough?
Let me see what you have. May I? Can I jump in here
and just show you what I was thinking?
- Just give me a ba-ba-ba-ba... - Oh, yeah.
You should do a cooking show, sweetie.
I would love to!
I would actually love to do that. [chuckles]
[humming]
[sighs] Where are you going?
I gotta go to the store and get Clark some NyQuil.
- He has to sleep. - Oh, my God.
- And I have to sleep. - Get some for yourself, too.
[Alice] I'll be back.
Oh, shit.
Love you, Clark. Hang in there, dog!
[Clark] Yeah, man.
[water running]
[news announcer] Large gatherings of protesters
are now being reported in New Orleans,
- Chicago, Oakland, and Miami. - Fuck me.
[news reporter] And despite multiple sources reporting it,
we still are unable to confirm if there is a forthcoming
national curfew to be mandated...
- Hi. - Hi.
Turkey's in, everyone's good,
I was gonna watch the news for ten minutes
and then I'm done for the day.
- And then we'll turn the TV off? - Off.
Off.
- Love you. - Love you.
[Kai laughs and snorts]
All right, everyone. Mange, as they say!
Oh, that's heavy.
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
These potatoes. Sorry, I'm eating most of them!
- [Chris] Good! - What'd you put in these?
I put a little, um...
pecorino in them, kind of, brings out the umami.
What does that mean? What does "umami" mean?
It's a fifth flavor.
It's kinda like savory, salty.
That's good to know.
Pass the syrah, please?
[Alice] This is lovely.
Did I tell you that we saw Bill Engvall
at the Phoenix Civic Center?
- No! - No, how was he, Mom?
He was so funny and charming.
And his stories were really funny.
And clean. Didn't curse once.
- [Eleanor] Didn't have to. - [Hank] You don't have to.
Alice, did you watch Chris Rock on Late Night?
Yes, so good. So good.
We watched it literally three times back to back.
Funniest guy in the world.
[Kai] It was so funny. Oh, my God.
- What was that? - [Abbie] Hmm?
- What was that? - [Abbie] What?
- Nothing, nothing. - Yeah.
No, you just gave her like a little look, like...
Nothing, we're just not the biggest Chris Rock fans.
Yeah.
- He's racist. - [Pat] Mm-hmm.
- You think Chris Rock is racist? - Yeah.
A little bit.
I'm sorry, that's the stupidest fucking thing
- I've ever heard in my life. - Please, Christopher.
I'm sorry, it's just wrong, what she said. It's wrong.
I'm sorry, how can it be wrong?
It's her opinion.
Yeah, and her opinion is wrong. Chris Rock's not racist.
He's best friends with Adam Sandler. That is a fact.
He's also friends with Jerry Seinfeld.
Also white. David Spade? Ever fucking heard of him?
- Best friend. Now that's a fact. - You ask us what we...
- They play basketball together. - Okay, whatever, man.
I don't know about their fucking basketball schedule.
You just asked us what we were talking about and we told you.
You know, it's actually... It's racist to think...
- Oh my God, babe. - ...Chris Rock's racist.
All right, it's okay. No, I got it.
So, if we don't agree with you, we're racist.
- Yeah. Yes. - [Pat] Thank you.
You nailed it. You nailed it exactly.
- [Pat] Great. - [Chris laughing]
Stop.
- Can we just enjoy our dinner? - I just want to reiterate,
these potatoes are so good! I'm just gonna say it again!
- These potatoes are good. - [Hank] Everything is.
[sighs] Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, did I tell you about Simon Avona?
- No, what happened to Simon? - His father. Car crash. Dead.
[Kai] Mm.
That's terrible, Mom.
Sorry to hear that.
Well, Eleanor...
these biscuits...
amazing! Every year they get better and better!
- [cellphone rings] - You did such a great job.
[Eleanor] Same recipe as last year!
In fact, everything I made this year,
I made last year, except for the pumpkin cheesecake.
That is new. I saw it on the Barefoot Contessa.
[Alice] Oh, we love that show.
Sometimes, I call Clark “Jeffrey.” [chuckles]
- Wait, who's Jeffrey? - It's her husband.
Jesus Christ.
[Alice] What is it?
- What's wrong? - [Eleanor] What is it?
They just opened fire on a crowd protesting the Oath.
- [sighs] Oh dear. - Jesus Christ.
Doz... dozens dead.
I'm gonna go turn on the news for a second...
Absolutely not!
I said that in my email. We're not watching that...
And it's my house, Mom, thank you.
Can we just finish dinner first?
You don't think this is important?
I know this is important but let's finish eating.
[Pat] Yeah.
Plus, we don't even know what really happened.
No, we do know what happened! I just read it.
They murdered dozens of people. I just read it.
Well, I'm reading that they attacked
- a group of counter protestors. - Oh, Jesus Christ,
I can only imagine what source
you're getting that bullshit from.
I'm not gonna fucking debate with you here, okay?
- Come on, language... - I'm not Bill Engvall, okay?
Do I look like Bill Engvall, dad?
Let's just chill out. Let's eat the meal...
I don't want to eat! I don't wanna eat!
I'm sorry! There's fucking innocent people
being gunned down in the streets.
- It's affecting my appetite. - [Kai] Chris...
- They're not innocent! - Yes.
They're breaking the law!
That is what happens when you break the law!
"The law”? What, do we live in fucking Tombstone!
These are innocent people exercising
the first amendment, and they have been
gunned down in the fucking streets...
- [Hank] Chris! - ...by Brownshirts!
[indistinct clamor]
- That's a little heavy. - [Chris] You support Nazi's.
You fucking support Nazi's.
That's my favorite thing about liberals.
My favorite thing, as soon as they get triggered,
- they call everyone a Nazi. - Oh, shut the fuck up, Katie!
[Pat] Abbie. Dude! Her name is Abbie!
- I don't care what your name is. - You're a dick!
- Her name is Abbie! - [Chris] You suck,
and everything you fucking say sucks.
And guess what? You're perfect for this fucking asshole!
- [Kai] Chris, stop it. - Oh, I'm an asshole? Fuck you!
You treat people who don't agree with everything you say
like they're fucking morons. And we're not! And guess what?
Everything isn't horrible all the time!
First of all, it is horrible all the time,
and second of all, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news
but you're a fucking moron, and so are fucking you.
- [Hank] Language. - [Kai] Chris!
I bet you two motherfuckers signed that Oath in two seconds.
- Yeah, I did! I did! - We did!
- I knew it would come out! - You just asked him!
Yeah, I know! I know! Fuck you, Pat.
- [Pat] Fuck you! - Fuck you!
- Fuck you! Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Seriously, seriously, hold on...
- Chris, stop it! - No politics!
Mom, Mom, this isn't political. I just wanna say real quick,
- real quick, seriously, Pat... - Mm-hmm.
...fuck you. And Abbie, or Katie,
or whatever the fuck your name is,
and fuck anyone who signed that Oath,
because they are stupid fucking pigs
and they should be hung like pigs!
What the fuck?
- What the fuck? - Not you, Alice!
- And not Mom and Dad. - Oh, thanks!
But also, also, like a little bit,
- a little bit fuck you, Alice! - What?
Cause why'd you sign it? Why'd you sign that shit?
We have a kid too, okay? And we care about her,
and we don't want her to grow up in a country where you have to
comply with every fucking stupid thing the government does!
- We have pride! - We do, too, asshole.
- [Chris scoffs emphatically] - Get off your horse, bro.
No, I like my horse!
Kai and I have strong, American, patriotic horses.
You got a little show pony, it fucking sucks balls.
Okay, we're clean. Y'all are fucking dirty.
- Chris, stop it! - You're dirty!
- You're dirty. - Just stop it!
Just shut the fuck up!
I signed it.
Yeah, I signed it. I fucking signed it.
So, how about that?
[Pat and Abbie gasp]
What the fuck are you talking about?
What do you mean you signed it?
What? Why'd you lie to me? [chuckles nervously]
Can we have this conversation in the other room?
No. No, I want to talk about it right here, right now.
Chris, trust me. Just talk in the other room.
Alice, thank you so much,
I don't need your help running my house.
I don't need your help. Thank you, though.
Thank you! I want to know, right now,
why my wife lied to me in front of everyone.
Tell everyone.
Why'd you lie to me? Why?
- Why I lied to you? - Why?
- Why I lied to you? - Why did you lie to me?
Fuck you! Why did I lie to you?
Really?
You wanna frame the question, just like that, for me?
Why I lied to you?
I'm gonna go check on the children.
[Kai] Why I lied to you?
We both said we weren't gonna do it.
Why did you sign?
Because, Chris, my husband's running around here acting like
he's the white Nelson Mandela and if anybody's
not following his lead, then they're the enemy.
Now, I love my daughter,
and I will do whatever it takes to protect her.
I don't give a fuck about
signing some stupid government shit!
All I care about is taking care of my daughter.
So, I signed it. Yup, that's what I did.
I signed it. Is that a problem?
Do you hate me now? Huh?
Do I need your permission to protect my child?
We should've talked in the other room.
Mm-hmm!
Did everyone here sign?
- Shame on all of you. - Now, that's it!
- That's it. That's it. - Yeah. That is it!
You know what, I don't wanna eat with you people,
so, I'm gonna take my food and my wine,
and I'm gonna go sit in my car in the driveway.
And I'm gonna listen to some news,
and I'm gonna read little articles on my phone,
and eat my food, and you all can sit here at the table
and stuff your big fat fucking faces
and talk about the people that are being brutally executed
in the street by our police state.
I'll be in the driveway!
Happy Thanksgiving, motherfuckers!
Christopher!
[Chris] And save me some goddamned pie!
[door closes]
[radio news anchor] We have Connor Bregman
at the northern barrier at City Park, where we can see
literally hundreds of police and national guards
to what it appears to be a coup of some sort.
Connor, where are you at this hour? What's the feeling...
That was fucked up last night.
I hated it.
You ruined all of Thanksgiving.
Now, I know I signed it.
And I didn't tell you.
And I wish it didn't go down like that.
But I am not gonna apologize to you,
after you busted me out in front of your family like that.
Okay, I only did that because you betrayed me.
Betrayed you?
Betrayed you, Chris?
Really? You have been obsessed with this.
I have agreed with almost everything that you'd say.
I agree with almost everything.
But it is getting kinda ridiculous. I just...
I am just numb to the shit.
[imitating Chris] The "breaking news.
Oh my God, oh my God, did you see what happened?
Did you see? Did you see what happened?
These are my theories." Nobody gives a fuck, okay?
I am more concerned with raising our daughter
than what's going on out here in these streets.
This other shit, don't mean nothing to me.
You mean something to me.
I just don't understand how, as a black woman...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. We are not about to be out here
re-litigating all of this shit in the driveway.
Now, you have 24 hours before your whole family leaves.
I suggest you get your ass out of this car
and get in the house and apologize to them.
- Yeah, right. - I'm not playing.
That's so not happening, just so you know that!
I will never apologize!
- Hey, what's up, Avery? - Hey.
Everything okay?
Yup.
[news announcer] With the president the...
- [Kai] I'm sorry? come again. - [Peter] Ma'am, please?
- [Kai] No... - [Peter] Don't get excited.
[Kai] ...no, you don't understand...
- because this is my house... - [Peter] Ma'am...
...and I didn't say you could come in it.
- [Peter] Ma'am, calm down. - Want me lower my voice?
You lower your voice all the way outside!
Whoa. I'm sorry. Excuse me, excuse me, what's going on?
- Can I help you? - Are you Mr. Powell?
- [Chris] Yes. - Christopher Powell?
- Yeah, sorry, who are you? - I'm, uh...
I'm Peter Yeun. This is Mason Berko.
We're with CPU.
That's, Citizen's Protection Unit,
we're a division of Homeland Security.
I... I...
I know what CPU is. I...
How did you get in my house?
Your brother let us in.
[Pat] I thought they were cops.
You're cops, right?
- CPU. - CPU. But...
- technically, we work for... - No, you're not cops.
But I am the owner of this home and I would like you
- to leave right now. - Hold on a second. I'm sorry.
I thought she was the owner of this house.
We're both the owners of this home.
Mm-hmm. He put a ring on it.
Mr. Powell, I want us out of your hair as much as you do.
- Believe me. - No, I don't believe you.
I want you out of my hair more than you think
I want you out of my hair. Trust that.
- Wait, who are they? - [Pat] Cops.
- Not cops, CPU. - CPU.
They're not... they're not cops! They're not cops!
Mr. Powell, if we could just step in the other room,
we could talk for a few minutes, we could let you get back
to your family, who seem lovely, by the way.
Do you think that's something we could do?
Mom, the kids are in Hardy's room, they're watching
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, can you please go
in there and make sure the door stays shut, please?
Thank you.
Can we please go in another room?
No.
- Can we sit down? - No, we can't.
I wanna know why you're here and I wanna know right now.
We received a report that you were impeding
a private citizen's choice to sign the Oath.
I'm sorry, did someone, like, report me or something?
I'm sorry, we can't divulge that information.
Okay, this is ridiculous. This...
Impeding a citizen's right to... to... to sign the Oath?
That's not a thing. That's nothingness.
No, it's something. Definitely something.
No. It's not, it's not something. It's not something.
I just read an article yesterday in Republica about it, okay.
They're arguing it up in courts right now. So there's...
- Do you guys have a warrant? - Mm?
- No, we don't. - Uh, okay, bye-bye!
- Out! You're out! - Sir, back up, please.
- No, get out of my house. - Sir, you don't need to be rude.
Ru...
This is America! I can be rude! Fuck you!
Mr. Powell, you're right, the legality of the situation
is a little fluid and it's a bit of a grey area. However...
we received a complaint and we are obligated to investigate.
This is fucking insane right now. I can't even...
Let's call Sheldon.
Yeah, yeah. I'm calling my attorney,
and I'm not saying shit until I talk to him.
Oh, also, real quick while we're in the other room,
you two guys wait outside, please.
Thank you. We'll wait right here.
You're in big trouble. You're in big trouble!
Can I get you gentlemen tea or coffee?
- Abbie... - What?
...no.
[both exhale deeply]
What is happening?
I don't understand how this is happening.
I don't know, but we gotta figure it out, okay?
Where is Sheldon? Where's Sheldon?
Okay, fine. My phone is dead 'cause I had it on all night.
Okay, okay. Use mine. Use mine.
Yes, okay. Thank you.
[phone ringing out]
[voice mail] The mailbox is full and is not accepting...
- Fuck! The voice mail's full. - What?
- Okay... - Okay. Okay.
Hey, we can work this out. We can figure this out.
- Gotta think, gotta think. - I'm gonna say one thing quick.
Fucking Pat did this. Pat called this in.
Come on, you don't know that and I don't believe that.
Okay, okay, then it was for sure his girlfriend.
I'm gonna tell you something, you know I'm a feminist.
- Yeah. - I waited in line for two hours
so Roxane Gay could sign her book to you.
- Yeah. - She was brilliant!
- Yeah. - Abbie's a little cunt.
No! You're not using that word in this house.
Okay, we have talked about that. You are not allowed to use that.
You can use “pussy,” “trash pussy”
- but you cannot use that word. - Abbie's a trash pussy!
Okay, that's fine. She's a trash pussy.
If you say so, I agree with you.
- Okay - But here's the thing.
I just wanna say I told you this was gonna happen one day!
One day, I said, they're gonna come to the home,
- they're gonna come to the home - You were right.
- ...and get Gestapo! - You were right, baby. I think...
I think we have one option and one option only.
We don't say shit until we talk to Sheldon.
Okay? Only option.
Okay, that is a good option. That is a very good choice.
- But here's another choice... - Mm-hmm.
- ...another idea. - Okay.
- Just a random thought... - Okay.
...I think it might work.
Just answer their questions and they'll probably just leave.
How about that? They'll probably leave.
No. No! I'm not being interrogated
in my own home without a warrant!
First of all, you're gonna stop saying your own home okay?
'Cause this is our home that we raise our child in, okay?
Now, I just wanna figure out a way to get these motherfuckers
up outta here as quickly as possible.
- This is not Nazi Germany! - You are so right.
Duh, duh Chris! Hello? Danke schön!
- Thanks for the information! - Okay, all right. I got it.
But what are you gonna say?
I'm gonna teach them about something called
- The United States Constitution! - [Kai] Ugh...
All right.
[Chris] Excuse me.
Great.
Did you speak with your attorney?
I did.
And he said because you don't have a warrant...
you have no right to be here.
We don't have to answer any of your questions,
and you need to leave our home right now.
Well, then, that's that.
- Right. I understand. - Thank you.
[Mason] I don't.
Huh?
I don't understand
why you can't just answer some questions.
Okay, well, I'll tell you. Because, um...
in America, we have this thing called the Constitution and...
I know what the Constitution is, you condescending fucking pussy.
Mason, stop. I don't want to get written up again, okay?
[Mason] See, I know guys like you.
You've never fought for this country a day in your life.
You haven't sacrificed anything
and you're disrespectful to people like me...
people who are here to protect you.
But that's done.
Boys like you will soon learn that those days are over.
Mason, stop.
- [Alice] Leave it. Chris. - Peter...
don't tell me what to do.
I just think the three of us should go for a ride.
I'm not going anywhere. [clears throat]
Say that to me again.
[Peter] Mason.
Get out of my house.
I think you're coming with me.
- Fuck off. - [Pat] Oh, boy. Get out of here.
- [Pat] Come on, guys. - It's okay. It's okay.
- [Peter] Let's go, let's go. - [Mason] It's okay.
- [Alice] Chris, enough. - I would like...
- to apologize. - [Abbie] See, he's a good guy.
- [all] Oh! - [Peter] Mason!
[Kai] Shit!
[indistinct chatter]
- Let her go! Come on! - [Peter] Mason! Stand back!
- [voices fading] - [high-pitched ringing sound]
[Pat] Let her go, man. Let her go!
- [Pat] What the fuck? - [Peter] Mason, stand back.
- Stay back! - What is that, man?
Get him under control!
- [Peter] Mason... - [Pat] You guys gotta go!
[Chris grunts]
I'll break it!
- This is too much, man. - Quiet!
- You guys went too far. - Why didn't he just sign it?
- I'll break your fucking arm. - Please don't!
- Listen, I'll sign it! I'll it! - [Mason] You fucking will!
I will go online! I'll sign the online one!
Are you ready? I'm gonna break your fucking arm.
- [Chris screaming] - Mason, let him go!
- [thud] - [all scream]
- Drop it! - [Hank] I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Hands up! Hands up!
[Mason] Pete?
Pete?
Don't!
- [Hank grunts] - [all clamoring]
Hands behind your back, you're under arrest.
- Why did you do that? - [choking]
- Why did you do that? - [Alice] Let go of my dad!
Shut the fuck up! Back up!
- [Pat] Hey, hey, hey! - [Alice] Let go of my dad!
- Hey! - [Alice screams]
[Kai] Chris! Chris! What the fuck?
Oh, my God! Chris, what are you doing?
- [Chris] I don't know. Jesus. - [Mason grunts]
- [Kai] Chris... - Chris, what'd you do, man?
- [Kai] What the fuck! - I don't know.
- What is happening? - [Pat] What are you doing?
[Chris] Calm down, I don't know, I don't know.
Get away! Get away! Watch out!
Stand back! Everyone stand back. Stay back!
[Mason] Fuck! Fuck! [indistinct shrieking]
[Mason] Give me my fucking gun.
- [Abbie] Oh, God, oh, God... - [Chris] I can do it.
- Don't do it. - Chris, what the fuck!
[Chris] Okay, everyone be cool.
- Give me the gun. - I'm not doing that, all right.
You take another step
and I'll fucking shoot you, okay?
You don't know me. You think you know me,
but you don't know me. I'm a bad fuck.
Er, I'm a bad fuck-er.
[Kai] Chris...
- [Mason] You're a dumb fuck! - No, I'm not!
I'm smart and I have a gun!
[Chris] Ooh, his head's all fucked up.
- Kai, his head's all fucked up. - Why is it black?
Did I do that to his head? Or was his head like that before?
- [Kai] You did that shit! - [Hank] Put the gun down. Son...
- I'm not doing that, Dad. - ...put the gun down.
- We can talk about this, baby. - We will.
- We will talk about it. You... - Chris...
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up. Sir...
- Put ‘em up! - They're up!
Okay, they were a little low when I said it!
- [Chris breathes heavily] Pat... - Yeah?
[Chris] See if he's got handcuffs or something.
- No, Pat! No, Pat! No... - Okay.
[Chris] Abbie, shut up!
[Mason] Touch me and I'll drop you.
You drop him, and I drop you. Give me a reason.
I wanna drop you.
- Oh shit, baby. - Try me. I want you to.
I want you to. I fucking want you to.
We got a ziptie.
- Do you know how to use those? - Yeah.
[Chris] Tie him up.
- [Pat] Move that other hand. - Oh, my God, oh, my God.
[Chris] All right, all right.
Kai, it's okay, it's okay, baby. It's okay, baby. It's okay.
- Baby. - [Chris] It's okay.
Kai, it's okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
We're going into the TV room.
[Alice] Jesus, what's that?
[Chris] It's a Taser.
Where did you get that?
- I ordered it online. - You never told me that.
I know, I'm sorry. Can we talk about it later?
If he moves, tase him.
Mom, keys.
Grab... grab those keys, please.
All right, listen, very important,
you need to take all three of the kids
three doors down to the Berman's house
and make sure that they stay there.
You can show them movies, feed them whatever they want,
make sure they're happy and safe.
But make sure they stay in the house, okay? Thank you.
Can I take food from this house to that house?
Yes, of course. Anything you need.
Okay, I can make twice baked potatoes,
I can make a cream of turkey. I need bread.
- Great, bring the milk too. - Are they allowed sugar?
Yes, they can have literally whatever they want.
Just keep them safe. Please keep them...
- Chris, I need to talk to you... - [Alice] Chris, come here.
- Wait, Chris, please, I just... - Hold on, hold on...
What should I do? His eyes are just like...
Are they like... Or are they like...
No, it's like... they're like...
I think that's okay, though.
- Really? - All right, keep an eye on him.
- Chris... - I wanna tell...
I should've hit him, instead of the Chinese fella.
Chi... No!
- Asian-American! - What?
Asian-American! You don't know where his family is from.
They could be from Korea, they could be from fucking Laos.
[Mason laughs]
What's so funny?
It's just how much trouble you're in.
Attempted murder, kidnapping. You're done.
[chuckles] You're all...
We didn't attempt to murder anyone.
And guess what? Guess what? You're in trouble, too.
Because you came in here without a warrant...
You assaulted two government agents.
I lightly shoved you, okay.
You busted my fucking lip with your arm, and I got witnesses!
You mean accomplices, right? That's what these people are.
And every second they don't untie me is just years
I'm gonna add to their sentences.
So, what's the plan?
What are you gonna do?
My plan is none of your business.
Oh, you don't have a plan, do you?
- [Chris] I have a plan! - Chris, kitchen, now!
- No, you don't. - Gonna talk in the kitchen.
- Now! - I do have a plan
and I'm not sharing it with your fucking ass!
- Hmm. - [Chris] All right, Pat,
if this guy moves one muscle, just tase him.
- [Chris] Pat! - Yeah, yeah. Okay. I got it.
And then if...
I don't want that.
- [stammers] - [Kai] Chris!
I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.
[Kai] Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!
Oh boy. Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- It's bad. It's really bad. - Chris. Chris, it's really bad.
- It's really bad. - You gotta call the cops now.
I'm not calling the cops. If I untie that fucking guy,
he's gonna fucking kill me! He's a mad man.
He has to cool down.
He is not gonna cool down any time soon, okay.
I'm gonna go check on your mom, okay, and the kids.
You need to get Sheldon on the phone
and tell him exactly what's happening right now.
- Okay, all right, fine. - [Kai] Goddamn it!
Fuck!
This is stupid.
[static]
- [Sheldon] Hello? - Sheldon?
Sheldon! Sheldon, do you hear me?
- [Sheldon] Chris? - Yes! Yes...
- [incoming call beeps] - She...
Hold on Sheldon. What is it, Mom?
[Eleanor] Can the kids watch The BFG?
Fine! They can watch whatever they want. I don't care!
Sheldon, are you there? Sheldon!
[Sheldon] Chris, I'm at the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro.
The reception is poor.
I can hear you, brother! I can hear you.
Okay, Sheldon, I'm gonna speak quick, okay?
'Cause I got a big problem here.
Okay, these two guys came into my house and they're from CPU,
and they assaulted me, and my dad freaked out
and he hit one of them with a shovel, and the other one
pulled out a gun and I thought he was gonna kill my dad,
so I hit him with a shovel, and now, you know,
I tied him up, and I'm wondering...
I'm wondering, as my attorney, what you think I should do.
[Sheldon] Chris, I'm sorry, did you say, “Tied up”?
Yes, yes. I tied up... I ziptied him.
His hands.
[Sheldon] Okay.
You have to let them go.
Maybe I didn't explain it the right way.
[Sheldon] I don't know what there is to explain.
You need to let them go right now.
[Sheldon] Chris?
Chris, we're starting our ascent.
I have to hang up. Good luck!
[Alice] Hey! Chris, come here, please!
- Fuck! - [Mason] He needs help!
[Mason] Help him, look at him!
- Alice, help him! Help him! - I'm trying to!
I'm a tax consultant, okay! Just...
Just breathe.
Uh, should I get water? Should we make him drink water?
Pat, you can't force someone to drink.
Okay, what is it with you and water right now?
- Leave it alone with the water. - Hey!
He needs to go to the hospital or he's gonna die.
[groans]
- [Chris] Whoa... - [Alice] God.
I don't think so.
- You fucking idiot. - [Chris] Hello, sir?
Sir.
Is there blood? Sir?
[Alice] There's not actually a lot of blood.
- Sir, hello? - [Peter groans]
- Oh, there he is. There he is. - Hi.
Great, okay.
- Hi! - I'm here. I'm here.
Hi! Hi!
- [Alice] He's fine. He's fine. - [Chris] He's fine now.
He's okay. He's okay.
[Peter sighs]
Why is Mason tied to a chair?
[Mason] Yeah, why am I tied up?
Psst. He has amnesia.
No...
I remember you guys fighting...
and then I went down.
But I don't understand why he's tied to a chair,
and why you have his gun.
[whispers] Paul, ah... Tell me your name again?
- Peter Yuen. - [Chris] Peter Yuen.
We have a situation here that has escalated out of control.
[exhales] What do we know?
We know that you and...
your friend over there came into my home
without a warrant...
- and assaulted me. - [Mason] Oh, bullshit.
Okay? And you got hit on the head and I'm...
really sorry about that. But when you hit the ground,
he freaked out and pulled out a gun,
and started choking my dad.
And... and... and things happened, and now here we are.
And what I would like to do, is weigh our options.
[Peter] Okay.
- What are our options? - Yeah, what are our options?
Uh, I don't know.
I don't... I don't... I don't know.
It happened so fast.
[Mason] Peter, call this in, tell them they attacked us.
- [Chris] Peter... - [Mason] Peter...
- I can't let... - [Mason] Peter...
I can't let that happen, Peter.
I understand.
- [Mason] Peter! - Mason, I am handling this.
Okay, Mr. Powell, let's talk.
Thank you.
And you called me Chris, by the way.
Mr. Powell is my dad.
Yeah, the guy who hit you over the fucking head.
- Shut up! Shut up. - It was self-defense.
[Peter] I got it, Mason.
- Chris... - Chris.
...there were mistakes made. Yes, on both sides.
And what I'd like to do is for us to leave...
[Chris] Hmm.
- ...and to regroup... - Mm-hmm.
...and contact you some other time.
Or, or, hey, or...
maybe we don't come back here again.
That's definitely another option.
- I like that. - Peter!
- You're making a mistake here! - Mason!
Chris, we brought this to you and we want this to end quickly
and peacefully.
Peter, thank you.
Thank you for being so friggin'...
- reasonable. - And you just have
this great disposition, too.
Well, I got three kids, so, it's a lot of negotiating.
- I have two kids. - Two? Oh yeah? Boy? Girl?
- Two boys. - Two boys, oh, you get it.
- [Peter] You? - I got one daughter.
What do you got? What's on your ear there?
- What? - What is it?
- Oh, wait, there he goes. - [Mason] Jesus Christ.
Fuck, what is that? What is that, water?
Hello?
That's perilymph fluid, he's concussed.
Untie me right now and I'll take him to the hospital!
- Untie me! Right now! - We should go to the hospital.
[Mason] Untie me now! I gotta take him to the hospital.
- Ice, ice, ice. Go get some ice. - [Abbie] What's perilymph fluid?
Yeah, ice is really gonna help his brain injury.
Listen, listen to me. Now, if you untie me right now,
I will not beat the fucking shit out of you!
Shut the fuck up!
[Mason] You don't want a guy dying in your home, do you?
That's not a good look for you. It isn't.
Your only other option is to kill me,
and you don't wanna do that, do you? You don't.
You can't kill a man.
What's up?
- He keeps passing out. - [Kai] Okay, what do we do?
[Chris] I don't know, I don't know what to do.
[Kai] Chris, we need to call a doctor.
[Chris] Kai, we can't do that yet.
- [Alice] How's he doing? - He keeps... he keeps fluttering
in and out of consciousness. He's all fucked up.
- [Alice] Peter... - [Chris] Oh, shit!
[Alice] Look, look! His eyes. His eyes.
[Chris] There, there I saw it. They're open, right there.
- [Alice] Peter... Are you okay? - He's up!
[Chris] Hey...
Peter. Peter, hey!
[Peter] Sorry, I blacked out there for a second.
[Chris] Oh, Peter.
Peter...
you keep scaring us here.
[gasps] Oh, shit! Baby!
[all scream]
- [Peter] Mason... - Don't move, don't move.
How do you have a knife? How does he have a knife?
It's called frisking, you fucking idiot.
How do you not frisk him?
You said tie him, you didn't say frisk him!
[Peter] Mason...
Put it down, put the knife down!
- Put the knife down! - You put the gun down!
- You put the knife down! - You put the gun down!
- Put it down, put it down. - [Mason] Okay.
- Okay. - Put it down.
[Chris] On the count of three, you're gonna put the knife down.
- Okay. - [Chris] Right?
[both] One, two...
[all screaming]
[indistinct clamor]
- [Chris] He's gonna stab me! - Baby!
[Kai] No!
Oh, my God!
[all yelling together]
Fuck!
- [taser clicks] - [grunts]
Pat, what the fuck!
- Shit! It was an accident! - [Chris] What the fuck!
[Chris] Oh shit!
Oh, my God. It's going in! It's going in!
- [Abbie] What the fuck! - [Mason groans]
It's in me! Tase him!
- [Taser clicks] - [Chris screams]
[Abbie] Oh, my God, oh, my God...
- [Chris] What the fuck, Kai! - [Pat] Are you okay?
- I'm fine, he barely got me! - Not you, her!
I fucking know!
- You idiot! - [Pat] I didn't mean to!
You're so dumb and I'm just realizing it now!
[sobs]
Fucking asshole. You could have killed me!
That's usually the point of stabbing someone in the chest.
Hey, man, I don't know what happened to you in your life
that you ended up this way,
but it's people like you who have fucked the world up.
If it wasn't for people like me,
people like you would be slaves to people like me.
You can't even take care of your own family. Look around.
Look what happened in your own home.
You're not built for this, brother. Untie me.
Just end it now. End it!
I know, I know, I know, I'm a huge pussy
and you're gonna kick my ass and send me to jail.
- Fucking mother... - I know, shut the fuck up!
[Mason muffled] Fuckin' piece of shit!
- How you doing? - I'm not good.
Not really good at all.
- I'm so angry right now. - Mm-hmm.
I got tased in my own house by my brother-in-law,
who would've never been able to even tase me
because my husband bought a Taser
- without talking to me about it. - I know.
So I'm really angry and I don't know where
to direct this anger right now,
and I need you to get your motherfucking hands off of me.
Happy, Abbie?
- Was this all part of your plan? - Okay, here we go.
I knew you were gonna blame this on me.
Because you did it!
- It wasn't me! - It wasn't her!
- I gotta ask one question. - [Abbie] What?
Did you call this in because of what I said
about the Oath during Thanksgiving dinner?
Or was it cause I forgot your name?
- It wasn't me, asshole! - Fucking prick.
I'm gonna say this to you now, Abbie, with peace and love,
and in no disrespect to your gender,
but go fuck yourself!
- Go fuck yourself! - Hey man, it wasn't her!
- Don't fucking say that to her! - You are a fucking pig!
Hey! [slaps legs] A serious question!
- How is this helpful right now? - Alice!
- Enough! No more fighting! - [Alice] Yeah.
No, I know! I was telling them not to fight!
- [Chris] Yeah, Abbie! - Fuck off!
[Mason] Untie me, or your life is over.
Do you understand?
All right, I want you to not make any more noise.
[Mason] Oh, come on. Don't do that now.
No, no, no, I'm not gonna do anything. Don't worry about it.
[Mason] Oh, come on.
I just need you to shut the fuck up!
- [Mason] Fuck you, fuck you! - Fuck you, fuck you!
[Mason] I'll fucking kill you!
That's why I'm not untying you
because you're fucking crazy, dude!
- [muffled shouting] - Chris...
me, you, Alice. Talk in the other room. Right now.
I'm gonna go talk in the other room...
- Come on!! - I'm coming, baby.
Alice, we should go before she gets madder.
Dad, keep an eye on Peter. His ice pack keeps sliding down.
- Pat keep an eye on him. - What?
And I'm fucking watching you, Abbie!
- [Pat] Stop it, leave her alone! - [Abbie] Everyone hates you!
[Abbie] Hey, everyone hates you!
Hey, I wanna just one more time say, I'm...
I'm really sorry you got tased.
I do not want to discuss that right now, okay?
We need a plan. We need to figure out what we're gonna do
cause things can't get any more worse than they already are.
No, I think they can get worse.
- [Alice] It can get worse! - Where is Clark?
- What? - Where's Clark?
He's passed out. And I don't wanna bring him out here cause
then he's just someone else in the room panicking
except he's shitting everywhere.
- Don't bring him out. - Yo. I don't know if this
it's because of the electricity in my body
- but I am fucking freaking out! - Kai, baby, baby,
I'm freaking out, too. I am freaking out
that I live in a country where this kinda shit happens.
I'm gonna tell you this right now,
this is not the America that I know.
Hey, man, I do not wanna hear your take
on the country's politics right now!
The fuck you think you are? Trevor Noah or something?
- I know, I'm not Trevor Noah. - Thanks for the live OP-ed.
Okay, now is time for practical solutions.
Okay, what are we doing? How is this gonna end?
Okay, okay, okay, fine, what if...
I haven't thought this through yet but what if...
[sighs] what if Pat and I took my car
and drove these two guys
all the way up the 16 to the forest preserve
and we drop them deep, deep into the woods
and we'd leave them there?
And then they don't die, they survive,
cause they're smart guys but they have time
to think about what they've done.
Meanwhile, Pat and I come back here
and you've packed a bag, right?
And then the three of us drive down to Texas,
stay with your folks for a few months.
If the cops show up, I don't know,
we can go to Mexico. If we needed to?
Maybe we'd become Mexican Nationals.
I speak a little bit of Spanish.
I will learn more. We will teach her Spanish.
- How the fuck is that practical? - That is so stupid.
And that plan did not include me at all!
- Okay, okay. - What is fucking wrong with you?
I'm sorry! I don't know! Here's what I know.
I know that if we let these guys go, I...
we, Dad, Pat, we're in big fucking trouble.
People in our family will go to jail.
And really think about that.
Well, that's just something we gonna have to consider.
We just have to!
I'm gonna tell you guys this.
And I'm a little embarrassed.
I'm really scared of Mason.
Yeah, he's fucking nuts, okay?
- He's a psychopath. - But keep him tied up
- and deal with Peter instead. - Right. Mm-hmm.
- Peter seems reasonable. - Yeah, we can talk to Peter,
we'll get him to call in, explain the whole situation,
and then we can finally end this whole thing
without anybody getting hurt.
- Or, more hurt. - Okay, okay.
- Just... - Okay, okay.
- Baby, calm down. - Ow, okay. Okay.
You're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay.
- We got this. - Okay, and another thing,
just let it go with Pat and Abbie.
I'm not saying another word to them. It's not about them.
- [Alice] Okay. Yeah. - It's about us. And this moment.
- Yes. - And doing what's right.
Right. And we're just gonna talk to Peter.
- I'm gonna talk to Peter. - [Alice] Yeah.
- We will talk to Peter. - Okay, and we stick together.
- Yes. - [Alice] Okay?
- Family. - Yes.
- Let's do this. - Let's do this
- Let's go. - Okay.
- [Mason murmurs] - [Abbie] We can't hear you.
- [Abbie] Stop! - Whoa! Hey, hey! What is that?
What did he just say?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
She means, she doesn't know!
We can't understand what he's saying!
Stop accusing us of canoodling with him!
“Colluding” is the word you're looking for.
I know, I meant to say colluding!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
[sighs]
How you doing, Peter? How you feeling, buddy?
- I'm okay. - Good, good.
We need this to end.
And I'm here right now asking you...
can we make that happen?
I think we can do this.
It's gonna be rough.
But if we stay calm...
and trust each other...
- we can work it out. - Oh, God. Thank you.
[Peter] It's gonna be rough.
But if we stay calm, and trust each other...
we can work it out.
He really needs to see a doctor.
- Did he say it twice? - You are so calm.
- Yeah, you're very... - You're very calm.
...very, very Zen.
Not Zen. Goddamn it. No offense.
Oh, none taken.
But I do think...
I do think we're gonna have to untie Mason.
[Kai] Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- Mm-mm - Listen, listen. Hold on.
Everyone be calm.
Is there any way...
that if I untie him, you can guarantee me...
he won't beat me up?
Mason...
will you promise not to attack Mr. Powell?
- [Mason] Fuck you. - Okay.
See, that makes me think he will attack me.
Mason! I need you to swear on my life...
that you will not attack Mr. Powell.
[muffled] Peter, I swear on your life.
Untape his mouth.
- It's okay, do it. - Oh, Pat.
Do it fast.
[Chris] Oh! Owie! Owie!
Oh, my God. Okay.
Cut me out of this shit.
Do it.
It took 20 minutes to put it all on.
- [Chris] I don't care. Do it. - Okay, all right, all right.
No, Pat. No! Oh, my God!
- This is so dumb! - [Chris hushes]
Everyone, everyone, everyone...
Baby, this isn't what we talked about!
[Chris hushes] It's okay, Kai, Kai.
[Alice] This is a really bad idea.
- He swore on Peter's life. - [Kai] Chris!
[Alice] Let's not untie him yet.
- [Kai] Not a good idea. - Holy shit. Holy shit.
It's going to be okay.
Gun.
- Not giving him the gun. - There's no negotiation...
- [Kai] Mm-mm. - ...with my gun in your hand.
Peter, I'm not giving him the gun.
[Peter grunts]
All right, let's...
think this through.
What if you gave him the gun, but you kept the bullets?
- That's actually a good idea. - Smart.
- I'm gonna give him the gun. - No, don't give him the gun.
- [Kai] No, you should not. - Calm down, calm down.
- All right, - You ready?
Here we go.
Pat.
[Alice] This is not what we talked about, Chris.
- [Chris] Calm down. - [Kai] Baby, don't do it! No!
Make sure you get the one in the chamber.
- I did. - Do you know what that means?
- Yeah, I know what it means. - Okay.
- [Kai] Oh, Jesus. - [Chris] It's okay, guys.
I got the bullets, baby, it's fine. It's okay.
[Chris] Now everyone just be...
- [all screaming] - [Peter] Oh, God. Mason stop!
- [Chris] Oh, shit! - [Peter] Mason, stop.
[Peter] Oh, God. Mason, stop!
[gunshots]
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. No! I'm just...
[screams]
It's my house, bitch! Told you!
- Is everyone okay? - [Abbie sighs]
[Peter] Um...
- Um... - Yeah.
- Oh, jeez. - [yelps]
- [Alice chocking] - Damn.
- [mouthing] Fuck! - [Kai] Put pressure on it...
Chris, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Christopher, I know I've...
never been as close with you as your mother has...
but I just...
You see...
I always did whatever it took...
to take care of my family...
to protect them.
And now you have to do the same thing.
You do whatever you need to do...
son.
[Pat] Just shut up!
[grunts]
[Abbie yelps]
Again, there's not a lot of blood.
Guess I'm not much of a bleeder.
[chuckles]
How you doing, buddy?
It's weird. Like, it doesn't hurt right now but...
if I do this... [screams] Oh, God!
- [Peter] Oh, God! - [Alice] Okay, okay, yeah.
- [Chris hushes] Okay. - We have to get him to a doctor.
- [Alice] Right away. - We gotta go to a doctor.
[Pat] What the fuck are we gonna do with him?
Motherfucker broke my fucking nose!
Okay, fine. Hey, Pat!
[Pat] Fuck you.
- [Chris] Pat, stop! - [Pat] Fuck you.
- [Chris] Pat! - Pat, he's tied up, okay.
Just stop it!
[breathes heavily]
- Ah. - What's wrong? What's wrong?
It's just this weird sensation.
- Okay, but where, exactly? - [Chris] Where?
Um, right above my knee.
Okay.
- [all scream] - [Chris] Oh, Jesus.
[Alice] Oh, my God, that is so gross! It's so gross!
I came to get some pie... Holy fucking shit! Alice!
[Chris] Holy shit! Oh, God!
- Oh my... - [Abbie screams]
Go, go, go, Mom, take her! Go wash her! Go wash her!
- Oh, fuck! - Chris, we gotta move.
- Like, right now. - Okay, okay, okay.
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving,
‘cause it's gonna be your fucking last.
Shut up. Okay.
[Mason] I mean, if not your last,
probably your last together.
Maybe they'll keep the women together.
Yo man, that is enough, okay? Knock it off.
It's funny, do you know
who's gonna get raped the most in jail?
- Your dad. - Hey, shut up!
- You shut the hell up. - Relax, Dad.
You shut your goddamn mouth!
Shut the fuck up, you dirty motherfucker!
You shut the fuck up, you fucking cunt!
Hey! Motherfucker!
Don't you use that word
in my house ever again!
You fucking asshole! Fuck you!
[Chris] You don't talk to my wife like that!
That's my wife. I love her.
What the hell is going on now? Goddamn it?
- [Chris] Oh, Jesus! - [Abbie] Fucking sick.
[Mason] Happy Thanksgiving!
[Kai] This is it.
This is the moment.
No more talking.
It's over.
I'm gonna kill him.
That is not what I meant.
We have to do this. We have to do this.
Look at me. Look at me.
- He will destroy us. - [Kai weeps]
- If we don't do this, - [sobbing]
we have no chance at a life. We have to do this.
- No, no, no. - Yes, we do.
Yes, we do.
Can you stop crying and tell me what you're thinking, please?
[Kai] I just...
I'm thinking, I never thought I would have to convince
my husband not to kill anyone.
We have to, okay. We have no choice.
We will go to prison.
And our little girl will be left alone
- and abandoned. - Chris...
you cannot murder that man!
What, are you gonna kill Peter, too?
And just bury them in the backyard?
Just gonna have dead bodies in my back yard?
No! I will... I will shoot them here and I'll...
I'll move the bodies somewhere, I don't know!
Listen to what you just said.
Chris...
remember when you told me
that we cannot let them change who we are.
Remember that bullshit? It's that bullshit you told me?
We can do this.
We can get through this together.
We'll just release them
and suffer whatever consequences we gotta suffer through.
But we can do it together. And we'll be okay.
Okay? We'll be... we'll be okay.
- We'll just do it. - I love you so much.
I love you, too.
That blood tastes nasty.
It's really nasty.
- But I still love you. - I love you so fucking much.
[Alice] Fuck you! Fuck you!
- Fucking monster! - [Hank] Alice!
- I don't know. - [Alice] You piece of shit!
- [Chris] Whoa, what the fuck? - You stupid motherfucker!
- [Chris] Alice, Alice... - Fuck you! You piece of shit!
- [Chris] Hey. No, no, no. - Fuck you!
- [Chris] What are you doing? - Fuck you! Fuck you!
- Jesus Christ. - I've had it with this guy!
You can't say that shit!
- What happened? What did he say? - [Alice] Fucking pig!
[Chris] What did he say?
He said he's gonna go after the kids.
Did you say that about our kids?
Why would you say that about our kids?
Are you kidding me?
Look at my face!
Look at what you did to me!
If I get out of here alive, I'm coming after you
and everyone you care for.
I promise.
That will be my mission in life
and I'm telling you right now, so you're not confused...
when your life turns into total shit.
[Kai] Fuck it.
[Pat] Whoa, whoa.
[Eleanor] Christopher, don't do that!
[Chris] Everyone calm down.
- You won't do it. - [Peter] Chris...
Chris, put the gun down, now.
[Eleanor] Don't do it, Chris.
Why did you say that about the kids, man?
Because fuck your kids.
Just do it, baby.
Do it. Do it.
[Peter] Chris...
put the gun down, now.
- Shoot him, Chris. - Just do it, baby! Kill him!
- [Mason] Come on! - You shouldn't have come here.
[Mason] Grow some balls already!
- [Pat] Do it. - [Hank] Do it, son.
- He can't do it. Accept it. - Mason, what are you doing?
Shut the fuck up, Peter, you fucking traitor!
You should not have come here,
you should not have come to my house, dude.
You shouldn't have come here...
- [Kai] Do it! - [Peter] Put the gun down, now.
- [Alice] Fucking do it. - [Peter] Put the gun down now.
- [Kai] Do it! - Stop listening to him.
- I'm gonna do it. - [Peter] Mason, stop!
Come on already!
Do it! [screaming]
Close your eyes! Close your fucking eyes everyone!
[Clark] Hey!
- Here it comes. - Hey!
Stop!
Stop! Turn the news on.
What the fuck is going on in here?
- Dad, turn on the news. - [Clark] Who are these guys?
[Chris] Hit “guide”.
- Hit “guide”! - Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it.
[Chris] All right, "guide".
[Jason] Details are still trickling in,
but we do have confirmation from the White House
that the president has stepped down effective immediately...
We asked if there was going to be a farewell address
or statement of some kind, and we were told no,
not at this time.
We do know that the president and the First Lady
are already currently traveling to their home in South Carolina.
As far as other specifics go, we don't have much,
but we do know is that the president has stepped down,
and that Vice President Hogan is now President Hogan.
Now we take you live to the White House
where President Hogan addresses
the country for the very first time.
My fellow Americans.
At approximately seven o'clock this evening...
the president informed me that he would be stepping down.
Effective immediately.
Now, he assured me that he would be
addressing the nation in the coming days
and I will let him
discuss the reasons why for his departure.
But I assure you this...
as your acting president...
I will do everything I can to restore
peace and calm to our nation.
Now, the former president and I...
agreed on many things in the past...
but over the last few months we began to diverge
on issues that I felt fundamental
to the health of our republic.
With that being said...
reserves and all National Guard will be withdrawing
from all major cities as soon as possible.
I'm also suspending temporarily...
registration of the Patriot's Oath
and all operations and investigations
currently undertaken by the CPU.
Now is not the time for division...
we must come together.
So, I thank you...
and God bless you...
and God bless the United States of America.
[Jason] A stunning development.
Certainly one that we knew was possible,
but didn't see coming at this moment.
We are gonna be bringing in Keith Baiers
on this historic night, and we're gonna hear
from Glenn Baker and Amy Moses.
But right now we are going to go live
to our very own Paul Bakeman, who is at the White House...
- [Kai] Baby, what... - [all screaming]
[Pat sighs]
How you feeling, Peter?
Hard to say.
'Cause I'm definitely in shock at the moment. But...
- I actually don't feel a... - [Chris] Oh, easy on the bumps.
tremendous amount of pain, no.
You got a good attitude, man.
[Chris] Pat, you gotta watch those speed bumps, dude.
I mean, what do you want me to do?
Just, just...
Mason.
[exhales] Mason, I'm gonna talk for a second.
And I don't need you to say anything,
but I need you to hear me, okay?
I would give everything I have...
to erase what happened today...
but I can't.
And you and I, Mason...
we have different I...
different ideas of how this country should work.
Pat, you gotta watch the speed bumps.
I don't know what that means, Chris.
Like, watch them, how?
Just don't take them so fast, please.
I'm not taking them fast, I'm under five.
Can you pull around?
No, they take up the entire width of the road!
Mason...
I think we can go our separate ways...
and go back to our lives
and never run into each other again.
What do you think about that, Mason?
Mason, can we do that?
Do I have to worry about this fucking maniac
coming after me and my family for the rest of my life?
I don't think so.
We shouldn't have been at your house in the first place.
- Yeah. - [Peter] He was suspended.
- What? - [Peter] A few months back,
he hit a suspect so hard, he busted his ear drum.
He's got anger issues.
That's why he was thrown off the police force.
And fired from Steamfield Mall security.
Wait, Mason...
are you a fucking mall security guard?
I thought he was like special forces.
I thought he was one of the guys that killed Bin Laden.
He's fucking Paul Blart?
You need help.
Mason. Get help.
Go see doctors!
Fuckin' Jesus Christ.
Peter, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got...
hit and I'm sorry you got shot.
And you know what, I'm sorry for everything.
[Peter] I'll be okay.
Everyone will be okay.
I'm so cold.
Oh, I got the A/C on, sorry.
[Chris] Pat turn it off, please?
[Chris] Unlock the door.
[talking indistinctly]
Careful, careful, careful. Pat, help him up.
[Chris] Careful, careful. Easy, easy, easy.
[Peter grunts]
- You good? - [grunts]
[police siren blaring]
All right. Can you put it back in?
Yeah...
[Mason] Thank you.
You have a lovely family.
[Chris] Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Do you wanna know who it was?
Nah.
[man speaking over radio]
[Peter grunts]
Subtitles by explosiveskull