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My friend, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
Hello.
I will tell you about myself.
I'm big in Pakistan.
People always ask me, what do you feel like?
It's not too different from here.
We play cricket,
And that's a more cool version of baseball.
And we worship a lot.
Not much. Only five times a day.
And we marry someone who is looking for our parents,
Matchmaking, you know?
For me, that might be because we got the episode "Knight Rider" a little late.
And "a little late I mean, we only got episode two.
But other than that everything is the same.
Honestly this is my journal actually.
And this is the woman who wrote it.
Woman poor.
Yes, he doesn't know if big breasts will come out...
... and change his life dramatically.
So, thank you everyone...
There are no bad viewers , only bad comedians.
You always complain audience problems.
Yes, that's when they're really bad.
Like 90% of their time is really bad?
Can do you see and give I note tonight?
If we both give each other notes, I think that helps.
Your notes only add the word "bastard."
That doesn't help at all. / "Bastards" are funny words.
It's soft on the top and hard at the end. / That's really bad.
That's very bad. / What's wrong?
Just look. I will see. I will give you a note.
OK. Thank you. Hey, that's good.
No, he doesn't even smile.
I thought I would throw up. / Who?
Bob Dalavan.
Who is Bob Dalavan?
Bob Dalavan works for Festival Montreal Comedy, stupid basis.
He is here? / Yes. You don't want to be noticed?
You don't want to move to LA? / Gosh.
Associating with Elijah Wood and so on?
There are no people on stage? / No.
He might use cocaine.
Does he use cocaine for entertainment? / Actual cocaine addicts.
Cocaine addict. / I think so.
Before I take it out the next person,
You know tonight is Tuesday Jell-O-Shot!
And we all know what happened after eight Jell-O-Shots.
We all urinate in pants and vomit.
Good, I will present the next comic .
Confident. Quiet.
Smile.
He is like a serial killer who finishes inspirational speakers.
He is like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he is bad.
I've tried warming it up.
That doesn't work for me. / Very uncomfortable.
I just bought laser printing machine.
It prints six lasers so far.
Dodd, Dalavan is on the bench tonight's audience.
Can I appear 10 minutes? / No, 5 minutes.
You pull out the chair, you appear for 5 minutes.
You know the agreement. / Come on, friend.
I will duplicate the next one. Come on.
What will you do there?
I made a schedule next week. / Well, good.
I was in bed with my boyfriend and I tried to explain to him...
... if we were just a small rock orbiting a star in the galaxy...
... from millions of stars in all the universe of millions of galaxies.
So I forgot your birthday.
Who cares?
You are too much cosmic this matter.
Honestly, you are truly selfish.
You're right, you're selfish.
Hey.
Have you ever had an HIV drug named Cheese?
I saw it on the news, so I find out what Cheese is,
And what is the Cheese mix.
Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.
So it's actually heroin.
Heroin who does heavy duty.
Just use heroin. That is very strong.
You already have heroin.
Are there Pakistanis here?
Seriously? You are not from Pakistan.
I definitely recognize you.
Are you kidding?
He gives you Montreal?
You don't have to do shows or auditions?
That's almost too easy.
I want trouble. I want the story...
... which can be told on the show talk, but there is...
You don't know how difficult it is not to try hard.
It's a struggle for success without stopping.
Did he say something about me?
Sure.
What about me? / He, they, you two.
He said, "the person appeared."
I really hate you. / We all hate you.
Hi./ Hi.
Halo./ My name is Kumail./ Yes, we know.
We see you appear.
There is no need for further ado...
I have to tell you if when you scream at me,
That really makes me lose focus,
And you shouldn't interrupt comedians.
That's very rough.
I don't interrupt.
I just cheered on you. That is a form of support.
Well, that's a common misconception.
But shouting something on comedian is considered to be interrupting.
Interrupting doesn't have to be negative.
So if I scream, "You're amazing in bed!"
That includes interrupting?
Yes. That really interrupts. / Good.
See you later.
Don't leave. No, you can... I leave.
You made my friend scared.
What is your name? / Emily.
Emily. This. I want to show you something, Emily.
This is your name in Urdu.
Does this seduction work?
I have had a small success with it.
Bullshit.
Do you like to come to comedy shows with your friends?
Yes. We are all graduate students at the University of Chicago.
What did you study at graduate school? / I studied psychology.
I will become a therapist.
So you will sit on the sofa and ask people...
... "How does it affect on your feelings?"
In the end, yes.
Right now I'm only doing field assignments...
... with a group of people who are convicted of domestic violence.
Gosh ./ Cheers for that.
Wow. No, don't toast to that. For you to be a therapist.
Good. To get my master's degree.
We will start from there then we see the rest.
My housemate, Chris, might sleep on the couch.
He will try to start conversation.
Ignore it. / Alright.
Come on.
Hey, friend. Hey.
Hi.
Good for him.
Do you want to watch a movie? / Of course.
Should I put my things on the floor or...
Yes, I think it's safe. Do you know?
That area... Put it there.
I cleaned it up earlier this year, so...
Should I take off the shoes or can I wear shoes on the mattress?
No, take off the shoes on the mattress.
I have strict rules. / Good.
That's really a air mattress.
Do you think it will be flat on the air mattress?
I don't think it's a real mattress, but you know.
The mattress is a real mattress.
You're too fanatical... / Alright.
... against air-based...
Against air-based mattresses? / Comfort objects.
"Night of the Living Dead"?
Of course, I have never watched the film.
Well, basically, the corpses start to rise.
And good people...
SMS Lauren.
"Are you awake, friend?"
No, damn it.
What do you want to say to Orien?
What you want say to...
"You're awake, period." Send.
That might be beyond my ability right now.
No.
What is this scar?
It's smallpox vaccination.
I think only parents get it.
I'm from Pakistan,
And we are still fighting battles that you have won.
Are you still in high school?
Are you really funny at that time?
Are you very smart at that time? Are you...
I'm very shy.
They call me Chashmullee.
What is that?
The rough translation of "loser."
I will show you a photo.
When were you high school? Gosh.
No.
And I thought to kill him now.
What inspired the hair style? / Hugh Grant.
No./ Yes.
No. And I'm very serious. / I'm a big fan.
I read in the interview with Hugh Grant...
... he said he didn't smile. / That's not true.
Because it makes it look fat, so I'm not...
I'm not smiling at photos for years.
What are you like in high school?
Are you selected as the Sexiest Girl?
No. I was chosen as the atikan The Most Unnoticed Girl.
That's good. / That isn't very good.
I have acne, gothic style, and...
... I have curly hair.
Children call me Beetlejuice.
Somehow.
Actually, I know why.
That's because they think I look like Beetlejuice.
I think this subject is enough.
In fact, I think I'll go home. / Wait.
We haven't even made love yet.
I'm not a woman like that.
I only make love once on the first date.
Wow./ Plus masturbating.
Well, I haven't got it, so...
You didn't get that because you insulted me.
What's wrong? What are you doing?
I wear clothes in this blanket.
I've seen everything.
Do you remember? We just made love.
Yes, but we were being very passionate and...
Look, I'm very having fun.
Thank you very much.
I will call Uber, go home, and I hope...
Enough...
Your driver will be ready after he wears his pants.
Are you willing to give a ride while we make love?
Yes, but I only saw several times.
So, maybe we meet in the club sometime...
... and buy drinks?
I'm not...
I know this sounds normal, but I'm not too...
I don't really want to date now.
I'm quite busy with college, work, and...
Yes. / I'm too much business.
Yes, I understand.
It's perfect, because I'm also not wanting to date.
OK./ Yes.
I actually have a strict two day rule...
... where I can't meet someone for two consecutive days.
So, because we have been together for two days,
Even if I meet you again, and that won't happen,
Because you're not dating, I don't date,
I won't be able to meet with you until Monday.
We are not together with for two days.
We are together for five hours.
Yes, but... / Just want to clarify.
Yesterday and today because is past midnight.
So, today is tomorrow,
This dawn is tomorrow, be two days.
You know, I'm not dating time bookworm,
So you don't make a choice.
That's good, because I'm a nerd who really appreciates time.
I know. / I'm very strict about day and night...
Wait, so that everything is clear, what do we decide?
We decide we will never meet each other again.
Good.
I'm glad we are on the same page.
Look at my pants, Kumi.
This is from Citizens Of Humanity. That's a brand name.
It's very soft. Touch it.
I don't want to touch your pants. / Come on, touch it.
It's like sports pants.
You have to be more like your father.
That's not difficult. Just observe me.
Follow the father's style. / Ta.
Kumi, why don't you grow a beard?
Don't be like Naveed, is quite a thin beard.
Maybe like my beard, thin, cool and stylish.
Kumi, mom has thought. Why don't you register for LSAT now?
Sorry, Mom, I still haven't done it.
I'm glad you said it as if I had never talked about it before.
How is stand-up, Sis?
That's good. thanks.
Since when did you follow people to talk?
I think the one who should speak single is Malala.
He has something to say. / Malala, yes.
I like Malala. / He has something to say.
Malala./Dia.../Yes.
I know if he goes stand-up, he will be charming.
There will be a lot of ethnic material, and I think that's good,
And that's a story that must be played , but...
You should enter the "Saturday Night Live." / SNL event.
Good idea. I'll email them. Somehow I didn't think about that.
You know, dad hacked into an account Facebook your cousin Rehan.
Daddy hacked him? / Yes, he didn't accept my friend request,
So dad hacked him and dad knows if he...
... and white women who live with him will have children.
Brands are married. / Yes, whatever.
Then dad hacked his Tumblr and dad knows...
... if they give the name their child "Da-v ."
Can you imagine? / Dave.
Dave? / Dave. / That might be Dave.
Dave...
There is no one named Da-V . / That is very sad.
Nobody will visit that child...
... and the child, remember my words, will grow up without a family.
As if he is dead or worse.
That's very sad.
Kumi. Go pray then bring us ice cream. Go.
What? / Go on, fast.
Hurry up, Dik. Ice cream.
Then we will eat ice cream.
Stop it.
The prayer mat is below. Go on ./ Go. Stop.
What is this?
I don't know, in my opinion... / My mother used to make the best Kulfi.
Your grandmother. / Really?
I think ice cream is better than Kulfi.
Thank you. / No.
I wonder who it is. / Yes.
Let me check. I do not know.
I guess it's a young girl single Pakistani...
... who visits our house,
Which is at a dead end.
And I also guess if the sentence...
... "stop over" will be said in the next 10 seconds.
Ten, nine,
Eight, seven,
Shut up. / Everything...
This is Zubeida.
He just stopped by. _ Peace.
Greetings also for you.
Come on, sit down.
This is Kumail, your file... / Thank you.
X-Files is yours, because... / Thank you.
... it's your favorite event, & apos; right?
Thank you very much.
"The truth is out there."
That's from the event.
Thank you.
Dah./ I hope you come back.
Kumi, there won't be a spark immediately, understand?
You have to work it out. You have to stay open.
OK, ma'am. Yes alright. Nice.
I just wish Mom was more good at it, you know?
I have practiced a lot and my mom is still...
Mother is not good at that.
Mothers appear maximum with Naveed, but then with me. / Very funny.
Mother is a little out of the lane.
Again with comedy and comedy.
Every time with comedy. Try it occasionally seriously.
I'm serious. I want to help my mother better.
Will you allow me to sit in the front seat?
No, I'm professional and you pay me for this ride.
I don't want to pay for it. This is a little suspicious.
Yes. Sorry.
You shouldn't type the number.
Good, year 1969.
MGM is having series of failures,
So they use very expensive stars, Vincent Price.
Is this your match test?
Like people do with "Vonnegut" or "Big Lebowski"?
No, just watch the movie...
... and do it seriously because this is very serious. I will love him.
I like it when men test my taste.
I just want to share this movie with you,
I don't know why you like reading...
How many women have you shown this film?
Zero.
How many women do you show class B horror movies on the third date?
This is not a "B" class horror film
Alright, are you ready?
Close your eyes because when the menu appears,
There are a few leaks there.
OK? / I'm ready.
OK, I'll press "play."
OK, press it.
Watch.
I'm watching.
Watch this section.
No./ What?
If you are tired, we can watch later. / Sorry.
It's just that it's weird if you yawn...
... while watching very boring films.
It's not boring. Wait for the conflict.
The flow starts soon ./ Okay.
Defeat you. Nine multiplied by nine.
Nine times kill you.
That's fun.
Thank you for sending home, but we have to stop doing this.
Yes. I know I said that before, but I'm serious.
I can't do this now.
I know. Really. 100%.
I agree with you.
So don't call me again. / Will not.
I promise.
Good luck with all your efforts going forward.
Yes, thank you.
Can we embrace awkwardly before separating forever?
Alright./ Good.
Dah./ Dah.
You promise never to contact me again, so...
It's very cold outside.
It's really cold.
You make a good core.
This is much warmer here.
That's right.
You know, above is very good. / Really?
What are you doing? OK.
Just trying to feel comfortable.
Let me see. Who is that?
I wonder who.
Uncle!
Let me see who it is.
Emily, is Kumail telling you if besides being super Uber,
He also does single shows?
No, he didn't tell me.
Are you serious? / It's nothing.
That's just something I did.
What is the difference between single shows with stand-up? / It makes no difference.
I think it's because of the many changes wigs and costumes.
And there are many acting in it.
Then in the end,
You do an awkward conversation when you say,
"I like it very much."
But I guess you will love it.
I really like that.
I can't wait to see this show.
Yes. / Okay, you won't ever see the show...
... because of that... / You have to see. / You have to.
It's not ready yet. That... / You have to...
You will like his acting. / You have to see it.
They make fun of you. It's very different.
They play me or you? / It's actually very significant.
It looks like they are toying with you.
I'm 12 years old and this...
This is home.
It feels like I never left.
You kiss it?
Mother my mother cooks Murgh Rogan Josh.
Damn./ Do you hear that?
That my father watched cricket on television.
Do you feel that?
That's the weight of Pakistani history.
Pakistan was formed when it split...
... from its biggest rival, India, on August 14, 1947.
Six home runs.
Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket. (The term cricket)
Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket.
Mid on. Long on. Long off. Bowler. Mid off.
I have to go after the show is finished. I can't stay.
OK./ Okay.
If you become silly mid on fielder,
You know you will soon get a yorker.
In conclusion, the largest export of Pakistan is cotton and... Concrete.
Kill me. / That's right.
Eid al-Fitr, this is our Christmas.
Except instead of the typical Christmas meat ham,
We present Mithai,
Which will be my Khansamah, Chris, will present it for you now.
Khansamah in Urdu means "Waiter."
If you make it at home,
The main ingredients are condensed milk, sugar and love.
At least, that's my mother's recipe.
Hey, you look like child toys from Malaysia.
... for the Pakistani national anthem?
Hey ./ Hey. What do you think?
I think that's good.
Yes? / I never knew Pakistan had the biggest irrigation system in the world.
Yes, around 14 million hectares of land are irrigated.
After I read that, I thought,
"That must enter the show." / Right.
Hi, Emily./Hei./ Hi, everyone.
Hey. Dude, that... You're very charming, friend.
That's the best we have ever seen.
Yes, it's very honest and good.
Do you know what I am aware of in the middle?
You're from Pakistan. / Right.
Good, happy to see you, Emily./ Yes. Okay, bro, everyone.
Good. Hey, friends. / Maintain...
They look like him // They are very good.
Seriously, what do you think?
It is still in the development stage.
I like it very much. I learned a lot about Pakistan...
... and cricket and all its positions.
But I hope I can learn more about you.
Does that make sense? / Yes.
Hey.
Hi.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
What restaurants on the corner the road is still open?
That's 24 hours. Why, do you want orange meringue pie?
You're so funny.
No, actually I really need a cup of coffee.
I can make you coffee.
I like restaurant coffee. I like the feeling of being burnt.
Good, I come with you. / No.
Why do you want to do that? / It's a bad environment.
I won't let you go alone.
Why? Because I'm a woman? / Alright.
Seriously, that's the most wrong thing I've ever heard.
Why are you acting so weird? / Fuck you! That is not true.
You're so weird now. / You're weird!
You are acting very strange. / Why?
I want to sleep while it's time to sleep. / This is normal.
Women go looking for coffee at midnight!
Have you never had a girlfriend before?
This is what it feels like. / Are you okay?
Everything is not good. All is not good.
Hey, you can tell me all, you know that, & apos; right?
You can tell me anything. / I want to defecate, okay ?!
I want to defecate very large.
I can't throw water in your bathroom...
... because you don't have matches and you don't have air conditioning.
What kind of person doesn't have matches or air conditioning on the toilet ?!
The walls are very thin and Chris is out there.
Please stop laughing. I hope.
OK. I have an idea.
Hey. How are you?
I don't want to talk about that.
See and learn, Dik.
Everything is a matter of transfer load and rotational force.
OK.
Hey, you're like Sammy Sosa Pakistan.
He is very good. Do what he does.
mine.
Come on. Let me... / Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.
Why did you get Chana? / You ate it.
The cake is very tasty.
This is a biscuit. Listen to yourself.
You're like no Pakistani. "Cake."
Sounds like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Like a burger.
I'm not a burger. / Yes, you're a burger.
I'm not a burger. / You're a fat and big burger.
And biscuits are actually English terms.
Thank you for all the information I don't care about.
And you should listen to and grow a beard.
It's very itchy. I've tried it.
It's uneven. / Is that itchy?
I know I sound like a baby. / Try being an adult,
And give conditioner like me.
What is the essence of Muslims who grow beards?
That's unreasonable, right?
Who decides if we must grow a beard.
But you will do... So there are billions of us...
... and you're the only one right. So?
So the sun just shines on you now.
It splits.
I have to tell you something, brother.
Here it is. Yes.
I date this woman. / Sure.
He is white.
I thought you would say involved in hit and run...
... or caught fake a check,
But white women ?!
I mean, it's very cliché!
It's okay, we hate terrorists. / Just... Sorry.
Look, I understand. You're in America,
And you want to cut a little grass and see what it's like,
But in the end you must marry a Pakistani woman.
I dated other women,
But then I married Fatima.
We hardly speak a word in the first few months,
But now, Kumi, she's like my best friend.
I know. / You must immediately break up with him.
If I find someone who is the same the good for me like Fatima for you,
Mother will understand, right?
He won't reduce his love for me.
He will certainly decrease love you.
Slowly, it becomes...
What is the term when a man stops returning a call from a woman?
"Become a ghost"? / Right.
You have to end it now or mom will make you a ghost.
Come on. Hitting exercises.
I like all brightly colored fruits.
I think that includes fruit development.
It tastes like stale grape juice. / Yes.
Why do you really understand about wine?
Because...
... I'm not so happy with my first marriage,
And I drink a lot,
And one way to cover too much to drink is...
... by knowing more about wine. / Wait, sorry, are you saying?
If you know a lot about wine, cover for drinking a lot.
I mean, information is very important...
... if you try to forget the past.
Yes, I was married.
Have you ever been married? / That's right. I've been married.
Do you want to talk about other questions or...?
Yes, because I don't have other questions... / No.
... besides, when did you get married? When did you divorce?
What is his name? How tall is it?
Do you love him?
I think I have some questions.
His name is Ryan.
We met while in college.
All my friends are married very young, so...
We got married, then one day I was in a restaurant,
And I see this pair kissing.
I thought, "I think my husband doesn't like that."
"But it doesn't matter."
But another part of my brain thinks,
"No, that's not good. This is your life."
I think this makes you scared.
Does this make you panic? / This doesn't panic me.
I don't want to make you feel depressed.
And I've only known you a few months,
But I want to tell you, I'm very interested in you.
That's the last thing I wished for.
This is also the last thing I wished for.
And I also feel very interested in you.
That's a strange thing to say.
Why? I say what you actually said.
Yes, it's not strange when I say it.
No...
It's okay.
Look, my parents will come this weekend.
That's good. / You might want to come with to meet them at lunch?
We can't, because the rules are two days, & right?
You will come to the party Friday night Mary, & apos?
Then we might be able to spend the night together,
I can't see you until Monday, so...
OK. I really want to meet your parents.
They live in the city, & apos; right?
They live in suburban areas, and...
... I don't often meet them.
Have they ever asked about me? What do they think?
Do they want to meet me?
My parents want to meet with you. / Of course,
Of course. They are very want to meet you.
Goodness. / What are you doing? / Yes.
What's wrong? Are you... / I'm fine.
Do you need help? / No, I think my legs are just sprained.
I joined skinny hip-hop dance last weekend.
You should check it out. Do you want ice?
I don't need anything. / I can find you an ice bag.
Look, I can walk. I am fine.
I can carry you. / Kumail, seriously, stop.
I can carry you all day. Stop.
Hey, I like your friends.
Craig?
Or is that Greg?
I find it difficult to distinguish those names.
I'm glad I like him because I don't want to have to...
... make excuses for avoid him, you know?
Like, "No. I want to play kites tonight."
You know, in England, Craig is pronounced Crayg...
And that's good because so how to write it, right?
In essence, he's a nice person.
I want to tell you about that.
Are you a judge? "Pakistan & the Next Top Model?"
No. Alright... / Seriously, who are these women?
Do you know we have a matchmaking culture?
These are the women.
These are women in Pakistan who want to marry you?
They are not in Pakistan.
Have you met them?
Only with my parents. But we haven't...
But you are not serious about this, & right?
That was my mother's request. I just followed it.
Do you know about both of us?
He doesn't know about me, & apos; right?
No.
Emily... / Bastard!
Can you... / Five months from a red flag.
Gosh, I'm really stupid.
You avoid my parents.
Gosh, the regulation is two days.
No, it has nothing to do. / Seriously.
Red flag after red flag.
You are a liar. You lie to me.
You lie to your parents.
Likewise with people you like.
Are there people who aren't you lying?
I want to meet them so I can tell them...
... if you are a liar!
You didn't tell me divorce questions until recently.
You also hide something.
My divorce doesn't mean that our future is impossible.
That actually means in a different direction.
I don't hide anything from you. Understand?
I'm really open.
Do you want to know what is in my cigar box?
Stickers. Stickers and stamps.
Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you should handle the problem...
Where are my shoes ?!
Shouldn't you be able to deal with this better...
... than you do now? / I express my feelings!
You know how we say matchmaking in Pakistan, Emily?
"Marriage." Understand?
We call it marriage. There are other types of marriage.
It's called marriage because love and it's bad.
My cousin, Rehan, married an Irish woman...
... and he was expelled from the family.
No one is allowed to speak with him.
Why did you say this to me?
Because I don't think you will understand...
... and that's right!
You think I can't understand your life...
... in everything? / Do you think you can understand me?
I fight 1,400 years of culture!
I'm bad at high school!
That's very different!
I'm sorry.
I can't lose my family.
You can imagine the world...
... where do we end together?
I don't know.
I have to go.
Don't contact me.
Multigrain Bread, Pumpernickel,
Pita Bread, hot dog bread, pastries.
I can't eat it.
I don't want children.
People say, "Sam, you will like it."
"The child you will have, he will be your best friend."
Friends who spit you and urinate everywhere...
... and constantly shouting.
I already have friends like that.
People say, "Sam..."
I know you were hit, but...
Emily is a good person. I didn't say otherwise.
I mean this is the natural way the universe told you...
... to get your moment, becomes a little selfish and pursues your career.
Bob Dalavan will come this Thursday.
If you get a Festival Comedy Montreal,
That will change your situation.
You don't want to be stuck in Chicago, right?
You don't want to end like Sam Highsmith,
Who has done a joke "people say Sam" since & apos; 03.
People say, "Sam..."
That's what you want in your life? / It's like...
Is that what you want? / That's amazing.
And that's the same material.
What do people say? / Sam.
I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much.
I will tell him.
He is crazy. / I will tell him I really understand him.
I will tell him. I will... / He never wrote new material.
Good appearance, friend. / I feel it, man.
Very captivating. / It was mine. / I like new material.
We should be ashamed of ourselves. We are weak.
I will not mention that obsession,
But I'm pretty smart with magic.
What?
Can you make his stomach disappear?
Come on. I am very happy with my stomach.
Do you have one dollar?
I will give you something.
20? Wasteful people.
OK. Andrew Jackson.
Don't you think he looks handsome wearing glasses?
Alright./ Good.
He... All right. / Right.
Okay, cool. / Yes.
OK.
Now we sprinkle magic dust.
Yes, you can't do that... / Just a little.
... without magic dust. / Yes, I need it.
OK.
Abracadabra.
OK. Watch carefully.
That's amazing.
And he does look more handsome with glasses.
Right? / Yes.
How do you do that? / Magicians never tell the trick.
This is your 20 dollars, Mr. Agreed.
I can still use $ 20 to buy something?
That looks better now, isn't it?
I watch this monster movie with my friend.
He looks at me and says,
"What are you doing in that situation?"
I will never be the last person to live.
I will be the first person to die.
I die so other characters can find out...
... if something strange is happening.
I will go alone to look for cats.
I never knew if was actually a monster.
For me, the film flow is in the research building...
... and the cat disappears! End.
Denise...
This is your name in Urdu.
Wow, that's really cool.
Kumail?
Hey ./ Hey, Bob Dalavan.
Yes, I know.
Your stage action is very interesting tonight.
Thank you. I just want you to know.
I will go. But you made it into the final...
... for the Montreal show. / Gosh. thanks.
You too, Mary.
Alright./ Good.
See you there.
Yes. / Good. / We will communicate.
What about C-Dog? / Who is that?
me. How about me?
Do you know?
Your material is funny, okay?
I will take you out.
Hey, do you want to go somewhere?
Yes, let's go.
Hello?
Kumail, this is Jessie.
Hey. Who?
Jessie. I'm Emily's college friend.
Listen, Emily is in the hospital. He has severe flu.
What? / Can you there, please?
We need someone there. But we have an exam tomorrow,
So nobody can go.
He is still in the ER.
Can you go and accompany him then take him home, please?
I was there long enough, but I have to go.
Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner.
Emily Gardner. He is being treated...
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Jessie called me, and wanted me to make sure you were fine.
How are you doing? / Good.
I'm very good. Never better.
1,000% good.
I'm just unconscious myself in the office.
I didn't have breakfast this morning.
Breakfast is the most important food in a day. You know that.
Ms. Gardner, your room will be ready soon, okay?
No. I want to go home and sleep in my own bed.
Sir, can you please come out for a moment?
If you want to stay here,
Please meet the security guard and ask for permission to visit.
Where is the security table?
Below...
Right when you walk in, there is a security desk.
The security guard table is at the security desk. I understand.
Want me to bring you something
White water? Juice? Coffee?
Can I talk to you for a moment?
I am back soon.
There is a severe infection in his lungs,
And all vital signs increase.
Does he have HIV?
What? No. He...
Are you her husband? / No.
We must immediately intubate it.
I need a family signature, so I will ask you again...
Are you her husband? / What does it mean to "intubate"?
We have to connect him to the tool help breath, and to do that,
We have to make him in a medical coma induction position.
Coma? / Right.
In order to make it stable so that we can overcome the infection.
And that must be done now.
So I will ask you the last time...
Are you her husband?
What happened?
What happened? / You'll be fine.
Calm down and... / Where did you take me?
You should contact his family.
Sorry.
Hi, Mrs. Gardner, this is Kumail, her friend Emily.
Sorry to contact you so late.
Emily is fine.
He only needs treatment. He is fine.
He is at City View Hospital in Chicago...
... in a medical induction coma, but doctors say everything...
Right, I say "comma."
Hey. I'm Kumail.
We know who you are, Kumail.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner, the doctor wants to see you now.
I am back soon.
Look, the doctor will be here soon.
He's just a little late.
Don't worry about this grieving room.
It's just that this is the only available room.
OK. Thank you. / Okay.
Terry, I...
That drives me crazy. / Yes, I know,
But that makes me feel better.
I just...
Hello. No. Please sit.
I am Dr. Cunningham, the doctor who handles Emily.
I will coordinate with all doctors...
... and designing strategies care.
All doctors? How many? / Lima. / Five?
Why are so many? Is that normal?
Right. That's normal for patients in the ICU.
We need all points of view,
We have checked it. We immediately intubate orotakreal,
Thankfully it doesn't affect the heart at this point.
We still don't know the core the problem of the infection,
But we gave him a comprehensive spectrum of antibiotics.
His right lung has severe infection...
... and centered around costodiaphragmatic recess.
Our theory is Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus.
Staphyl... for a moment. That's "P..." / Yes.
That's "F" or "Ph"? / Ph. No. That's Staphylococcus...
That's very convincing, isn't it?
There seems to be a good coma and a bad comma,
And the type they do with Emily...
... medical induction commas include coma which is kind of good.
Do you know there are carbohydrates that are good and bad?
Gremlins...
That can be good or bad. / Look, Kumail...
We will take care of everything from here, understand?
You are very helpful.
Thank you for signing the document, and...
Yes, happily. / But you can leave now.
Alright. / Understand?
Good.
Peace in the Middle East.
What about this? I saw sniffer dogs at the airport.
He found "boner."
Does that mean drugs or bombs?
That's good. What if besides being at the airport,
You stop comedy and don't ever do comedy again?
Yes. / Match with you! It's good and funny.
It's for the good of the audience...
... and they don't need to see your face or hear your words. That's...
It doesn't matter if I don't come there, right?
I don't need to be there, & apos?
What's wrong? What happened?
He made his girlfriend in coma. / Yes.
In the way you do.
He is not my boyfriend. / He doesn't do it, but he agrees...
... documents that allow doctors to...
He suggested it. / He will be fine.
That's right. They say he will be fine,
So they will be fine. Doctors know about drugs.
That's what the doctor does. They understand medical matters.
This is a medical induction comma.
This is their specialty. / Maybe.
That might be a good thing. He might be awakened with new abilities.
My cousin was unconscious,
And when he realized, he thought could be a different language.
That's right? / No. It seems that he is just talking about his essay.
That's brain damage.
I'll order Taco Bell again.
Did you forget something?
Is he aware? / Not yet.
And they don't want tell us anything.
We are here all morning.
I know you said no want me to stay here,
But I guess I'll keep waiting.
You have broken up.
I'm not sure why you're here.
You don't need to worry about any commitment, Kumail.
You don't want that when he is still healthy,
So there is no reason to do that when he is unconscious.
This is more complicated than that. / Really?
Because I know the "two-day rule."
I know about head shots and secrets.
He told us everything.
You don't have to stay here, Kumail.
You have done a lot.
I will stay here for a while.
What is this chair... All right.
Does the woman still see me?
Yes, come on. There is no reason...
... he must eat alone there, isn't that right, honey?
This is a free country.
How is your bread?
The best stuffed bread I've ever eaten.
My taste is good too.
Tuna is always a bet, but...
You know, we are not near the waters.
We are near the waters.
But it's a lake.
There are no tuna on the lake.
Whatever. I throw the dice.
I got seven, I guess.
Whatever the best dice number.
So, 9/11.
No, I mean...
I always talk about the with...
with people.
You never talk to people about 9/11?
No, how do you stand?
My stand on 9/11?
Anti. That's a tragedy.
We lost 19 of our best people.
That is clearly a joke.
9/11 is the worst tragedy,
And it's not funny for to be a joke.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner, please report to the ICU.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
OK. Ayo./ To ICU. thanks.
Hey, can I come along?
No./ Yes.
Whatever.
Hello, come in. Please sit.
I know this isn't the news you expect,
But we are not ready to wake up Emily from a coma.
Why? What happened?
Antibiotics don't work as they expected,
And we don't want to take risks,
So tomorrow morning we will do the surgical removal of the infection.
Wait a minute, Dr. Spellman told us if the antibiotics would work.
Right. / He said nothing about the operation.
So what does that mean? What kind of operation?
It is called Thoracentesis. That's a normal procedure.
We will enter through between ribs and remove the infection.
How do you spell it?
What's the name? What is the last part?
Thora... / And the infection...
In lung- pulmon./ "Thora" what?
What is that? / Thoracentesis. C-e-n-t-e-s-i-s.
What are the risks? / Low./ They usually do this? / Yes.
My advice for you is that you should go home,
Look for something to eat and try to calm down.
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He lets the lights on.
My favorite sweater.
I will do research. / Hey.
That's the book I gave to him.
No, I gave it to him.
You bring a small notebook from a doctor?
This is the book I gave him.
I will clean the room Emily for a moment.
No, I remember.
I met him at Falafel Place,
Then we went to a bookstore that was rarely open, then I bought it.
You're not the only person who gave him something.
What's with you?
I'm tired of you thinking you're the only one who gives him something.
I gave him the book. See the article.
No, that's ridiculous.
Hey, Kumail./ Hey.
Hey. Sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you.
I just want to know, can we do something?
Do you have family games? / What is a "family game"?
Card games. Scrabble.
Do you like word games?
I've never... / Have you ever played words that you can't accept?
How do you do it?
Basically you try find words...
The real word that can't be rhymes.
Then then... / Stonehenge.
Well, you can win. That clearly wins.
I don't play board games. I play...
I play console games. / That's the problem.
Everyone now plays Nintendo.
Console game. Something. Electronic. $ 1,000.
When I'm small, only chalk and sidewalks,
And that's your entertainment.
Frog jump. Tic-Tac-Toe.
Throw chalk at Jimmy.
That's it. That's three games.
Jimmy real person?
Yes, there is no Jimmy specifically.
Whoever gets hit by the chalk, he is Jimmy.
I just tried to find know what to do.
Tonight I can't. I really want to, but...
I'm actually...
I'm actually there tonight,
That's an industrial term that we use...
... when we do there are shows, so...
Really? / Yes. Montreal Comedy Festival will be held
And I actually became the main star tonight, so...
I should go. / Wow. That is good.
I haven't been to comedy clubs since years & 80s, right?
Rita Rudner in Caroline's. Remember that, baby?
Gosh. Pleural effusion empyema.
Maybe we should go to see the Kumail show.
What do you think? That will be fun?
These photos are horrible.
Okay, listen, why don't we go to the comedy club with him?
And this will divert our minds now.
I don't want to divert my mind, Terry.
Our daughter will be in surgery tomorrow. / Please.
That is true. / Please, listen...
I need transfer.
Then you go. / I want you to come with me.
I don't want to go alone.
OK.
But I bring my iPad. / The ticket is up.
I should say that before you agree to everything.
Tickets sold out quickly.
They were surprised how the speed was sold out.
You can bring us in.
You're the main star, right? That's what you said.
If you are the main star, you can enter two more people, right?
That is true. / Yes.
We will sit behind. No problem.
Do they have food there?
Yes, they have waffles fried and...
Yes.
The hospital also has fried waffles. / True.
I actually never to Pakistan.
My parents moved here for a graduate school,
Then they settled here.
I never even to Canada.
When did Kumail come? / He will come. Right, Naveed?
Jam.
I heard severe traffic jams on Dan Ryan's toll road.
That's weird, because... / You know, rush hour.
I came here through Dan Ryan's highway.
What is your sister's favorite music your father to dance?
Emily's parents are here. Aunty...
Tonight? Why? Because it's not "aunt." But "Auntie."
All right, forget it Does anyone come from from outside the city?
Well, there are a few.
What is your name, sir?
Terry./ Terry. And...
Gosh. That's Emily's father.
What is Cloth? Terry-Cloth?
That's Beth./Beth. It's close enough.
Why did he do this? / Terry-Beth,
Where are you from? / We are from North Carolina.
North Carolina.
Tar Heel State.
Stop. Stop. His house is "Krispy Kreme Donuts."
What brings you to Chicago?
Our daughter is in a coma.
How... Where are you from?
Alright, it's already night. I should go.
Sit down. He will come./ Wait a minute.
I think I should contact him. I will contact him directly.
Hello? Kum-beta?
What do you mean, "who is calling?"
This is your father.
OK.
He will come soon.
Naveed. I pretend to call. Did you contact him?
Hundreds of times. There is no response.
I think I have to clarify something.
I can understand what you are talking about.
I thought you said no ever to Pakistan.
I said I never went there, but we spoke Urdu at home.
For people who have never been to Pakistan. you speak Urdu very well.
Thank you.
Do you want to sing?
I want to name my child Void (empty)...
... so he can't withdraw check his salary.
"Sorry, sir, here is written & apos; Blank & apos ;."
"But that's my name."
"Goddamn you, Dad!"
I work at the second floor bank.
In this imaginary scenario. / Come back to Isis!
Toasted bread is a very strange food.
Did you say just now? / You put bread...
... then you make it... / Come on. That's nothing.
I said he should go back to Isis.
Toasted bread the only food... / No, it's a confusing position.
Do you want Isis to get more people?
No, I mean... / Guess what, everything,
We find Isis recruiters here.
Okay, glad we can finish it.
Toasted bread like...
What's wrong with him that makes you say that?
I think we know what the answer is. I do not...
Mom, I'm not talking to you.
What's wrong with him? / We don't have to do this.
We know how to finally...
Because of its appearance.
That ./ It's like saying...
... if all the bastard men who are wearing a janapada club hat...
... and Hawaiian shirts have small penis and creases.
OK. actually, Beth,
This is the worst way for you find out, but he is right.
I am actually a terrorist.
I am only a single comedy as a impersonator.
Fuck you.
First, very smart. What...?
Do you write it at home?
Toasted bread is very strange... / Fuck you!
Fuck you! / No, fuck you!
You're a bitch, you know?! / Fuck you!
No... Listen...
I will kill you!
What is your telephone number?
Sorry, everyone. Sorry.
Actually I'm not apologizing,
Because you are a very bad person.
I don't want to beat you up in front of everyone.
Yes, that's true.
I have levels, bastards. Understand?
This elevator will drop down, base of bastard!
I will make tea.
Actually, I will open a wine bottle.
Actually, does Emily have whiskey?
On top of the fridge.
Cubs look good, huh?
I don't know anything about baseball.
Really?
I'm really asking sorry about that.
That...
I lost control.
I think it's sexy. / Me too.
Not the actual section,
But sexy is cool, isn't a naughty section.
I won't say "sexy" again.
Do you want to find something to eat?
I know you have a formula.
I've been to some shows.
Is that always the case? / Like tonight?
No, usually another mother will help me.
I'm kidding. No, that's...
That's not always the case. I will stop if it's always like that.
I have a joke. / No. Terry, don't.
Terry is as funny as farting at a funeral.
No. This is funny. Very funny.
OK. OK. Giraffes enter the bar,
Then he told the bartender, "Give me highballs."
You understand, & apos; right?
Is that the end of the joke?
Yes, of course. / It's all the jokes?
That's a joke. That's the beauty.
I think there's still more. / But you understand?
He's a giraffe, he's tall,
So it's certain if the testicles are very high.
And "Highball" is a drink. (High Testicles)
And you mess it up with saying I'm not the first funny.
That is the cause. / No.
No, that's good. I like my jokes because it explains in detail.
You only attack "Highball" me.
A complex solution, feels comfortable in the mouth.
Good. How about you? / My turn? / Yes.
Touch of fruit.
Good term. Fruit touch. / Yes.
I'm impressed. This must be in the front seat.
This is what drives a wine car.
Exactly. / I like wine because of the vibration.
He's a little light class... Beth.
So is Terry. / Come on.
He will sleep on the sofa less than an hour.
That's nonsense. You know that's not true.
You shouldn't be tonight, or not?
I, stage tonight? Yes, I'm the main star.
OK.
I'm lying to avoid time with you.
Then I lie about the main stars to impress you.
It doesn't work.
And also, I think I messed up with your daughter.
Yes.
That's right.
I don't know how people are when their family is sick.
My uncle Lew... He has cancer.
Then he has a stroke, then a heart attack.
Then the cancer recurs.
But you know what killed him? / Cancer? / Car accident.
We thought it might attack heart while he was driving,
And he still has cancer. Do you know?
He eats sprouts for the rest of his life.
Do not eat yellow eggs for 30 years.
Somehow I will sleep tonight.
You want to stress out by eating?
Of course.
Gosh./ I know.
"Most Considered."
Wait a minute.
There's more. See.
Photo of a legendary burial model. / Gosh.
I laughed out loud when saw this and he got mad at me.
You will wake him up. / Are you kidding me?
He really slept soundly. Hey, Terry!
How did you and Terry meet?
I'm studying at the University of East Carolina.
And I'm at the waiting table,
And we met at this coffee shop.
I wait for it and I like her hair.
He was already a teacher at that time.
A thick New York accent that I never met.
That's really wrong for me.
So, naturally, we fall in love.
My family doesn't agree with him.
We are all military people. Army pilot.
All my brothers play football.
Terry can't even change tires.
My father is very angry with me,
He broke all the plates of restaurants we had.
In the past, when you went to the gas station,
And filling up your gas until it's full, You get a restaurant plate.
But sometimes it's a glass, bottles of sauce.
It takes a year for to complete the set.
And Terry stays there.
Until finally...
... they all softened.
They just soften up?
What about? / After that a lot of messy dinners.
How did your parents meet, Kumail?
We do matchmaking, as you know,
Then flocked away together watching a movie,
But it's actually been arranged so my mother and father can meet.
What films did they watch?
I don't know.
I never ask.
He's amazing, you know? / Yes.
I know.
I feel sure with surgery.
Me too. These doctors know what they are doing.
They don't know.
They only sweeten it like the others.
Damn.
Hey, this is me. I tried making Pakistani dishes...
... to give you a surprise, but I'm a bad chef,
Or all food Pakistan is bad.
I don't know. Dah!
Hey, this is me. If you want to come...
... and kiss me for two seconds,
I will want that tonight. Okay, bro.
Hey, this is me. Do you want to meet in the gallery?
Gosh!
Gosh! A bird has just hit my head!
Gosh, I'm not kidding!
I'll call you back. Gosh, are you okay?
Infection around the lungs has been removed.
We should be able to immediately realize him from a coma.
Gosh!
How fast?
He should be aware before tomorrow morning.
We will also test pleural fluid from Thoracentesis...
... to create strategies antibiotics aimed.
So this is good news? / This is very good news.
We will take care of him for a few days, then he is allowed to go home.
He's a warrior, isn't he? / Yes.
Mother is very worried.
We saw on the news the slipped train...
... and we think you're in the the train and killed.
No one was killed on the train, Mom.
Do they see under the train?
Where were you last night? What are you doing?
None. I didn't do anything.
Kumail?
OK, I'll tell you. / Say. / I...
I learn for LSAT.
Really? / Yes.
I register and if I graduate, I will go to law school...
... then become a lawyer and do the law.
Let me see who it is.
Seriously, Dad?
What? / Dad says no one will come, this is just...
This is just us./ Kumail, you know this person...
"People say Sam!"
Do you know him? / Yes, I know him.
He should appear on Saturday Night Live./SNL.
People don't say "Sam." They say "Greetings."
Everyone, do you remember Khadija?
He just stopped by. He happened to be near here.
And this is his parents, Rahan and Tina.
They also just stop by.
Greetings. _ Peace is also for you.
Then he came to America. He has three children.
Actually, he left two children in Pakistan when he came...
I've come to so many meetings,
And I never found in common with them.
When my co-worker complained me about dating,
I want to slam them. They don't know anything.
Right. My mother said I became...
... like an apple that is bruised at the bottom of a bucket of apples.
That's not true. / Yes.
That's right. / That's not true.
Do you want to meet sometime?
Without our parents.
Have you been to a cat cafe?
The cat comes to you and nests in your lap,
Then you just stroked them.
I don't think that's a good idea.
You don't like cats?
I mean, I don't think that's a good idea for us to meet again.
That's not you. You're so charming.
I just can't do this match with anyone.
Then why did you meet with me?
That's not my idea.
I'm really tired.
Have you ever wanted to have a relationship so you can finally feel relaxed?
I'm sorry.
You deserve more better than me.
People always tell me what is appropriate for me.
That's nonsense.
And stop asking sorry for everything.
I will go.
And you know, I watch "X-Files"...
... three episodes... And it's a bad event.
They should call this website "Everything is cancer, dot-com."
Whatever symptoms you enter, it's a possibility of cancer.
Hiccups of cancer. Come on.
Hiccups are becoming fun again now.
Do you know, this is the 17th best hospital in Chicago?
Really? From how much? / I don't know.
But Northwestern is number one.
How do they give value, what is the method? / I don't know, Terry.
But rank 17 is bad.
That's not good. Except the sample size...
It all depends.
This, see the comments.
This is why I don't like the Internet, because it's never good.
You search the Internet, and they hate "Forrest Gump."
That's the best movie ever.
I know.
This isn't all that long.
About three hours maybe.
Hey, I... Alright, I have to go.
Terry, hi ./ Hey.
Can we talk? / Yes.
We have received the results of the biopsy.
Unfortunately the results are not convincing.
We are worried because this too...
Wait, what does that mean?
That means this is aggressive. That means that...
They don't know what the disease is or where the virus came from,
Bacteria, whatever they are. / But they have released the infection,
So it shouldn't be a problem. / I know. That's what I said.
But the vital sign is not normal. And now they say...
... the infection is spreading. It attacks the kidneys now.
But the kidneys are very far from the lungs. / I know.
It's an aggressive infection...
... and they say all they can do now is find out...
... what is this mystery disease?
I contact Northwestern.
Wait a minute... / Terry, my goodness...
I think we should talk about... / Shut up.
I'm sick of this, Terry. We leave here.
They are in the middle of the of the entire elimination process.
You mean Northwestern can't use that information...
... and continue the research? This place is very bad.
I'm sorry. Anna, can I ask for that?
Can you pause? They're doctors.
You act as if you understand. / Not all doctors are the same. You don't understand.
I can't find my cellphone,
You carry a cellphone? / Yes. / Don't give it to him.
Don't... You don't need a cellphone.
You don't have to contact anyone at this time.
They are working on it. They're experts here, and...
I believe them./One, five... / That's very good,
But I don't... Can you unlock the key?
There is a reason they are ranked 17 and Northwestern ranks 1.
And that's not because people believe them. thanks.
You think you're smarter than me. You say important sentences.
But you're wrong.
I don't think I'm smarter than you.
You just don't think you're as smart as me.
That's not my fault. / Right, this has never been your fault.
All my mistakes. There are some things that are really your fault.
That's nonsense.
You have to stop panicking and calm yourself.
And you have to stop being a coward.
Right.
The core of the main problem has returned.
OK, can you stop?
I will repeat the rest of this memory.
Yes, don't... Listen to me...
You gave him a giraffe doll. / This is the biggest they have.
I don't even know if he likes giraffes.
We never talked about giraffes.
Hey, do you know what they do?
Because of them at all don't tell us anything.
Like Lyme disease.
The girl "The Real World" has it.
Have you checked that? / Yes, already.
He is always in pain,
And he made his leg injured recently. What is Lupus?
Look, we've already checked everything.
We don't keep anything from you.
We only get rid of the possible .
Because Beth wants to move he to Northwestern.
No. Emily can't be moved.
The hospital will approve that,
Because it can release vulnerability in their hands.
But we made him in coma conditions for a reason...
To make it stable.
Moving him can be very dangerous.
Believe me, he is fighting against this, and so do we.
Hey, Terry, I just talked with...
Are you okay? / Yes, of course.
I'm fine.
Beth goes to see Emily, so...
I'll wait here until they turn me off, you know?
I will watch over them.
Do you want to sleep in my place?
Do you have a golf channel? / No.
That's not funny, huh?
I don't... I think that serious question.
Let's leave here.
So...
This is the place.
Wow.
This place is very bad.
Hey, I'm talking to Sister Judy,
And he says moving Emily is a bad idea.
Really? / Yes, he said it might be dangerous.
Like, something... / Yes, I hear you.
I'm willing to give anything to exchange places with Emily.
Being a parent is a nightmare.
Loving someone is just as bad.
Yes.
And...
I think you know the tension between Beth and me.
Not too.
That's not my business, so I'm not trying to...
No, but that's what happened.
Very important.
This is late. We should sleep.
I cheated on him.
Damn./ That's right.
It's only love one night.
All right. We met at the bar in Cincinnati.
They are holding a teacher conference .
Who goes to the conference math to make love?
Math teacher?
Yes.
I think it's sad.
That is the fact. / Yes.
Let's talk about that tomorrow.
We sleep well tonight...
... so that tomorrow morning feels refreshed... / The aroma is very fragrant.
That's also very bad.
As soon as I'm done...
I thought, "What are you doing ?!
" What did you just do ?! "" What are you doing ?! "
You know the moment of certainty you get right after orgasm .
Yes.
I immediately tell Beth. I have to.
He is hit.
And now he hates me. have to hear the way he talks about you.
May I ask something to you?
Why did you tell him? / I have to.
You talk about that? / No more.
He says he forgives me, but, no...
He hasn't forgiven.
Let me give you a suggestion, Kumail.
You will know who you are want to spend the rest of your life...
... when you cheated on him.
When you cheat on him and you feel like garbage.
So in order to really understand I love someone,
I have to cheat on them?
If you say it out loud, it sounds stupid.
Yes, that's a bad idea.
Love is not easy.
That's why they call it love.
I don't understand that either. / I know.
I thought I could start saying something,
Then something smart will come out.
Hey, did you see Terry?
Yes, I heard him leave this morning.
I go to Subbies. Do you want something?
No, I'm fine. Thank you.
You don't want a hot dog?
Dude, it's 8:30 a.m.
OK. There are no hot dogs.
Hi.
Yes, please enter.
We just talked to Khadija's parents.
What are you doing here? What's up with you, Kumi?
There is nothing wrong with me. I am sorry.
Sorry? That's all you say? / Well, I'm not...
I'm not interested in him. / Interested in him?
Yes. / You know how difficult it is...
... to arrange a meeting with him? He was craved.
OK, then? / Then?
Can we talk about this next time? I...
No, Kumi. We are talking about this now.
We have sacrificed all for you.
I know. Okay?
We leave our family. We leave our house.
Mother skips birth _ my sister's daughter.
My mother hasn't even met my mother for 15 years.
Your father, he must be a graduate school again.
He must give another test.
Daddy was in the middle of 50 years old.
They are still in their 20s. They used to be calling me Father Time.
Okay, I know that.
And I really appreciate everything you do for me.
But can we discuss about this next time?
Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer, it doesn't matter.
If you want to be single comedy...
... and shame us as family, no problem.
But one thing we ask from you, Kumi,
That you become a devout Muslim and marry a Pakistani woman!
Only one thing!
May I ask you?
Something that never makes sense to me.
Why did you bring me here if you didn't want me to live an American life?
We come here, but we pretend we are still there.
That's really ridiculous.
Don't talk to your mother like that. / You don't care what I think.
You just want me to follow the rules.
But the rules don't make sense to me.
I don't pray. No.
I haven't prayed for years.
I just go down there and play video games.
You don't trust God?
I don't know what to do be trusted, Dad. I do not know.
And I can't marry someone who you are looking for for me.
Why not?
Because I fell in love with someone.
That's what happened.
Her name is Emily and she will become a therapist.
And now he is very sick.
But I can't say to you.
That makes me sad because I can't say all that to you.
I really appreciate all that you have done for me.
I am very, very grateful. Really.
I know Islam has been very good with you,
And that makes you good people.
But I don't know what must be trusted.
I have to find out for myself.
You are not my child.
Kumail. You're very selfish, you don't think about our problem.
You don't think about Khadija,
Even you don't think of women who make you fall in love.
You think American dreams are doing what you want...
... and don't think about other people's problems? You are wrong.
You're wrong!
Excuse me, please. / What's wrong with you, man?
Hey.
I never go to the store.
I hear everything at the door.
Hey, my mother drove me because sold marijuana when I was 16,
So I understand, friend.
Hey ./ Hey.
When will we talk with Beth...
... the problem we are talking about? / We will move it,
That's what we will do.
What?
What? We will move him. / What are you talking about?
You give up? / That's not true.
I don't give up, okay? / Alright.
I know you don't give up,
You're amazing, but we talked about this last night and we decided... / I know.
That's not an idea... / We move him.
No. What is it.
I tell you what the sisters say. He's right.
Beth, the nurse tells me if moving Emiliy is a bad idea.
Northwestern told us that it would be very good.
They did not see it, this nurse saw it and she said it herself.
It's OK, Kumail,
They don't see it. / This can't be accepted! That!
That... / I got it.
That's a garage map.
Don't...
Wait...
Do you want to be responsible ?!
He can die!
Kumail, we are responsible for whatever happens.
We are his parents.
I'm sorry, we moved him.
Welcome to Quick & nos; n Hot. Can I accept the order?
Yes, can I order one burger with four pieces of cheese?
Four burgers. Anything else, sir?
No, one burger with four pieces of cheese!
One burger with four pieces... / Sorry, we can't do that.
Just enter four pieces cheese into the burger.
We can't do that. There are no buttons...
Who is this "we", man ?!
Who is this "we" ?! This is just me and you!
We are just people! Listen to me!
Fuck this company entity! Add four cheeses to the burger!
We can't do that. / What the hell ?! You stupid!
Hey! Hey, look at me.
Because I'm human, you're human. Look at me!
Look at my eyes when you deal with me!
Look at me! Please!
This is my first day at work. Fuck you!
I will charge you with four burgers.
I'm sorry.
Do you want to add fries or drinks?
I ask for French fries.
I'm sorry.
... Your life is very dramatic.
Then I started making this journal.
And the journal makes me very excessive...
... but trying to act like I have a cool Rock & Roll lifestyle.
While actually, I'm in third grade...
... cry all the time.
Hey, friend. Final Montreal. Are you ready?
Wait, are you nervous and worried before getting on the stage?
Yes, your own law is like a cheap naughty woman.
Well, my mood isn't good, Chris?
I will make the atmosphere your heart be good.
Are you okay? / I'm trying to make your mood is good!
Why do all people say the same thing?
Yes, I decided... / Are you okay? / Yes, I'm very good.
Okay, alright, I'm just just registering you.
Where have you been, friend?
You're the next one. OK.
Thank you, everyone. I love you.
Hello? / Kumail, is that you?
Yes. / This is Terry.
Listen, we don't move him. Doctor...
Have you ever heard of an HIV drug named Cheese?
That's the name. That is called Cheese.
I saw it on the news and I thought,
"There is a new drug called Cheese."
"Everyone does it in the Midwest, also children."
It's difficult to do single comedy...
... when your girlfriend is in a coma.
I'm not sure what part you are laughing at.
They say he struggles, but he doesn't seem to struggle,
He looks like just lying there.
I say bad things to him, and...
I say bad things to him, I hurt him.
He likes birds.
He is very excited every time he sees birds. He said,
"Look at this, it's a bird."
I always think, "Yes, there are all over the place. They're birds."
But he...
He likes that bird, you know?
Every bird he sees, he sees it.
His father just called and said they couldn't move him...
... because the infection has already reached the heart.
That means he...
That means he can die.
I don't know if you can hear me or not, but...
That would be great if you could wake up.
If you have to go, you can go, but...
It will be very good if you stay here.
I really apologize for my actions, understand?
Terry: "Please come as soon as possible."
Mother.
You make your tears fill me.
When can I feel my face?
Hey, you really made us scared, Gather.
Right./ "Builder"?
Come on, dad always calls me that.
Not since I was an adult. / Yes, that's right.
Dad always calls you that.
Sorry, baby./ What happened?
You're okay, are you okay? / What shit is that?
We have to be a little thick your liquid.
Your esophagus is not enough strong to swallow it.
It feels like sperm. / It's good to hear a father.
He does not have a social obstacle until the anesthetics disappear.
Seriously, Mom, you have to try it.
No, wait, honey. / Stop saying that.
Come on.
They charge us $ 48 for that, don't worry.
Why are you here?
I haven't heard my voice for a long time.
He is always here.
Can I talk to both of you outside?
Yes.
We will return soon. / We are outside. Okay.
Hey.
Emily has a step named Adult-onset Still & apos; s Disease.
Kumail mentioned the ankle his leg was injured...
... and the swelling still hasn't died down...
... up to a few days in care, and that is unusual.
Still & apos; s Disease is when the body thinks health network...
... is an infection, so try to fight it.
It's like a misunderstanding biological.
Yes. / So we give he is anti-inflammatory...
... and he is stable after several hours.
He will need time for recovery,
But he will be fine.
Wow. / He will recover completely.
What are you doing here?
I visit someone at the end of the hall...
... and I thought about coming and greeting Emily.
I'm kidding. I am here for you.
You bastards and I don't like you.
I'm not a bastard. I am not.
You're a bastard. / You're under the influence of drugs,
So you don't think clearly. No, man, I'm not kidding.
You're not funny to me.
You just make me sad.
You make me sad in my heart,
And that makes me sad to see you.
So I guess you should go.
Go, and tell my mother I want her.
Can you please call my mother?
I'm really asking sorry about that. / Yes, it's okay.
Emily wants to meet you.
I will go.
I think I should not be here.
Kumail, this is the problem.
My living conditions are risk of possible health.
And you are not that funny.
But you are also not suitable for doing other things,
So it's quite problematic.
You really make you like want to say something positive.
Yes, I think so.
You know...
You know what I mean well. I know a good thing.
I don't know, you know how I feel. I have to...
I have to enter. / Yes.
What do I miss? / Bricks on a cheese grill and...
Right./ Yes, I want that.
I am right back. / Bakon or something...
Hey ./ Hey.
You will stay in Chicago for a while? / Yes.
He must take physical therapy.
Don't you think you are too excited...
... considering your daughter must take physical therapy?
That's very strange when we go through...
... one of the tense experiences of our lives together and that...
... never see each other again.
Maybe.
But I hope not.
Throwing birds at you, then running away,
And you say, "Damn! I have a bird now!"
Hi, the man who is sad and bro ./Hey.
There is something we want to say to you. Tell him.
We moved to New York. / New York. / What?
And we want you to join us.
Are you serious? / You have to do it.
That will be bad initially, and maybe we finally...
... can be paid to write jokes.
This is the best. Come on, friend.
You have to come along. I know you don't get Montreal,
And that's only because...
... you did the worst comic act I've ever seen in my life.
Yes. / That's nonsense.
Disgrace of life. / I call it garbage,
But I'm afraid I will mention the real garbage.
Right, it really makes me shudder,
I think there are ghosts that walk through me.
We don't need to keep talking how bad my stage is.
I see their faces and the sounds they make.
I feel one of my eggs is dead.
Doesn't that happen every month?
That happens every month, Kumail,
But I don't always feel it and do...
And that's what you did to me.
I will pack my new one, and I move to New York,
And guess what, honey.
You come with me. / What about Chris?
Have you ever seen a dove try carrying another dove?
He will be fine.
The room is not enough in the car.
We go again a week. Understand?
And I've asked to sit down in front, Chicago to Pittsburgh.
Don't confuse this. / Your destiny is waiting.
This will be the biggest step in your life,
Apart from moving from Pakistan. / Yes.
I don't get enlightenment or anything else...
Hey, ting, ting, ting...
Hi, everyone. Thank you for coming.
I just want to say some...
A few words here.
Mom, why is Kumail here?
Because he is always there.
Mother invites sisters and mother invites her.
And for...
Emily, come here. Come here.
I want to say something.
Daddy./ Talk between your friends.
This might need...
Emily managed to peel oranges this morning.
Father! / Yes.
It's Clementine.
Actually, a Clementine.
That fruit can be peeled by baby monkeys,
But he can do it.
And yes, that's all. We...
Thank you, everyone.
Hi.
I like your stick.
I heard being a gigolo isn't easy. / Right.
Can we talk for a while? / Sure.
I've collected a few important things for me,
And I want to show the to you.
I call this My Devotion Bag.
These are all visit permissions...
... from the moment I visited you when you were in...
This is the ticket from your parents who came to see me appear,
And I'm aware of how extraordinary they are,
And how extraordinary you are,
And how extraordinary is that honesty.
What are you doing? Are you cremating someone?
This is ash from all Pakistani women...
Not a woman... But a photo of a Pakistani woman.
I think it's a good idea, and it feels a little...
That feels a little stupid.
I know I'm a bad girlfriend...
But I have changed.
And I will be the person you want to be. Really.
So...
Do you want to accept me back?
Kumail, I'm glad you experienced this experience...
But you have to understand if all happens when I fall asleep.
As you feel a few weeks ago,
And now you say really feel the opposite.
And the only thing that changes is that I'm currently in a coma.
Honestly, I...
I see all this, and I think I can't do it anymore.
And I can't... / I...
I don't want to be a reason you don't have a family.
It feels very different now.
And you can't do that again.
Do you understand?
OK./ Okay?
Sorry.
Mother.
Father.
Fatima. Brother. How are you?
There are no plates.
I forgot, I decided I wouldn't let you get me out of the family.
Since I'm a family member,
I have a reason to give a voice...
... am I issued or not,
And the voice must be absolute...
Standard parliamentary procedures.
So, those who agree not to spend Kumail from family, raise their hands.
Good. A motion to issue Kumail from the family was refused.
So you can talk to me.
Okay, you gave me silent treatment.
I already did what was going to happen.
I have a solution.
So, "hi, how are you?"
This is just the first basic thing. Do you know.
"Operate the salt." Practical.
"Always with comedy."
Ma'am, I made it specifically for you.
"Kumail, why are you more handsome compared to your sister Naveed?"
Bullshit.
"I admit, this is intended to mess up the controversy."
"It's dancing you can't get someone out of the family,"
"Because they will always be your family."
I agree with that. That is good.
So, I'll leave this _ here for you.
I'm sorry I'm lying about women, LSAT and all.
That's wrong. And one more thing.
I moved to New York to pursue Stand-Up,
But I didn't leave this family.
My parents want to make it me in a match.
Or in terms of Pakistan, romance!
And this morning, I told them all about my life,
I tell them about Emily.
They drive me out out of family.
I might never talk to them again.
So that's what happened.
What's wrong? / Can you come in?
OK.
I swear, mother and father like my roommate early semester,
But instead of randomly casting men,
You only manage every time.
All over the place.
In every room in this house.
Included is next to me.
We have to go.
Go home?
No./ Yes, it's time.
I'm not ready yet.
Do you know? You are strong.
And that's true.
Then we will go to the mosque and hear the graphic details...
... from religious people who were killed 1,400 years ago.
I mean like, Tarantino-esque details,
And everyone will cry,
Competing with each other who cries louder.
And I never cried.
I thought, "what's wrong with me? Am I damaged?"
The only one I cry is that much...
... is the first 15 minutes of the "Up."
This is a photo of me and my mother.
I was 7 years old at the time.
People always complain about water in New York.
I think Chicago water is very bad.
That's good. / Father, Mother.
I think I'll be out for a while.
What, alone?
Yes, just take a walk around the block.
Maybe buy frozen yogurt.
Are you okay? Can you do it?
You can walk alone? / Yes, Daddy.
Have a good time. If you feel like going into a coma, contact us.
Father, it's too early. / Right.
I love you, to meet tomorrow morning.
I love you Ah./ OK. I love you. Dah.
Have a good time. / That is certain.
You brought your cellphone? / Yes.
But you like it, & bro, right? / Yes. I mean...
Yes.
I mean...
Hey ./ Hi.
What are you doing here?
I happen to be near here...
... and I see if you will be here, so...
I think for come and greet you.
You look healthy.
How is your blood oxygen level?
Already in range. / Good.
This is my brother, Naveed.
Hi./ Hi. I'm Emily.
I heard a lot about you.
Nice to finally be able to meet with you.
Actually there is something that I want to tell you.
OK, I'll...
See you later. / Dah.
See you later.
Are you warm enough?
Yes. I wear two pairs of socks.
Do you mind?
No.
I'm glad we will go home tomorrow.
Me too.
See? I should be brushing my teeth.
I like that.
When something like this happens,
There is a little hope...
... if you will really have a new outlook on life,
And you feel different about everything,
Then appreciate every sunshine,
And for the most part,
I feel like I can't wake up early. Do you know?
Sorry I talked too much about myself.
No... / Do you have many do Stand-Up?
Are you... / Yes, I look stunning in the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Really like... / I saw the video.
Yes. That's not good. / No.
I will be honest with you, it's not good.
I know. / But there are many things I like.
It's really a lot that I like.
I moved to New York.
Really? / Yes.
Mary, CJ and I...
... will go by land and we have got a place, and...
When did you leave?
Next week.
I'm very happy for you. It is very nice.
You will definitely be very successful in New York.
What do you want to say?
What?
You say you want to say something to me. What?
I just want to thank you.
My parents tell me everything that I did for me...
... and I feel last we talk...
... I'm not thankful correctly to you, so...
Yes.
No problem.
I should go.
Do you want to contact Uber? / No, I will walk.
This is really very good.
OK.
Okay, see you later. / Yes.
The community will be very different without you.
You have to come along.
No, I'm fine here.
I will miss you./ Me too.
Go from here, bastard./ Good.
Come here, stupid.
See you later. / I will miss you.
You are still issued from the family.
But because we didn't have time say until you see you, so...
Your mother is very angry with you.
He doesn't want to get out of the car,
He doesn't even want to see you.
Daddy doesn't believe you keep a secret like that from me, your father.
Sorry.
Come here.
Your mother asks daddy give this to you.
Modern Biryani. For you on the road.
Your passions.
Your mother made a special for you with extra potatoes.
Thank you, ma'am!
Is he okay? / Right now? No.
I will miss you.
Daddy is forbidden to hug you, so...
A proud father has you as my child.
See you forever.
And help daddy, when you get to New York,
SMS us and tell us if you've arrived safely, understand?
Definitely.
Dad, may I ask you something ?
When you and Mother go to your first date,
What movie do you watch?
Satte Pe Satta.
Our favorite song.
Why do you ask?
I'm just curious.
Let's go. //Ao./ OK.
Good. See you, guys. / We leave.
We will send a message. / Sorry. / Yes, please do it.
The first time I came to America, I was 14 years old,
And I only visited My uncle in New York,
And the moment was coincident was Thanksgiving.
My first day in America,
My uncle took me to Day Parade Macy & apos; s Thanksgiving.
And I like, "this is every day in America!"
Like in an ad.
Every day they celebrate party for Garfield.
There is no day that must be followed after that day.
I lie to my parents,
I said they I would become a lawyer.
They are very disappointed, because they want me to be a doctor.
You must be thinking, "why don't you tell you want to be a doctor?"
"After all it's a lie." And I say, "it must be trustworthy."
If I say they are I want to be a doctor,
They will say, "nonsense."
If I say "lawyer," they will say, "Okay, that's something."
Because there is a strict hierarchy.
That Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer, hundreds of jobs,
Isis, then comedian.
Sorry, it's very rude interrupts comedians.
That is not interrupting. I just cheered on you.
It's a common misunderstanding.
Interrupting is not negative.
So if I say, "Gosh, you're amazing in bed!"
That includes interrupting?
Yes, and you get more much laughter than me,
And I don't like that.
Do you want to come here and replace me?
Let's talk about... Are you from out of town, ma'am?
Chicago./ Windy city.
What brings you to New York?
I came here to meet someone. / And...
Have you met a man or woman?
I don't know what your likes are, but...
Yes, I've met him.
Emily Actually
Kumail Actually (But you already know that)
Just Married
Pakistani Marriage (Parents and Elderly Kumal Actually)
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