(CRESCENDO MUSIC)
(ELECTRIC BUZZ)
(Bugsy Cloverdale) HAHAHA
SEX! SEX! SEX!
Do I have your attention now?
Ladies and Gentlemen…
and those of you who aren’t sure
Are you a person like many of us that dreads getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work?
and driving through traffic all day in a car that you pay for -
to get to the job you need, SO YOU
can pay for the car and the clothes and the apartment that stays empty all day so you can afford to live in it?
Are you sick and tired of answering to someone for every decision you make? HAHA!
It is I, your social media guru and I’m here to tell you about the wave of the future.
Sign up today. Build your name. Build your brand.
Become so famous, you no longer have to introduce yourself.
HAHAHA!
One second…one second
Wait for it.
Wait…
for it.
Voila!
I’ve been working on it for months. What do you think?
It’s something to look at.
Uh.. Dwayne, Dwayne Rice.
Joseph Kehr…
Mi casa, es su casa.
Ah, que bueno. Realmente mi encanta tu apart-
I don’t speak Spanish.
Are you sure?
It’s an expression!
A SPANISH expression.
Yeah man, I’m Jewish.
Are there a lot of Spanish in JUDEA?
Ha. Ha. So, where you from?
Here… and there.
Any family?
No.
What do you do?
For a living…?
Um. Sorry. I was… collecting my thoughts. I’m an actor.
Oh. You’re an actor?
My girlfriend was an actress.
Eh… more like she tried. I didn’t have the stones to tell her she was years passed her prime.
Every other weekend it was some awful play or some Kickstarter party.
The last straw was when I had to drive upstate for 3 hours, in the snow, to see some stupid movie she helped produce.
It was an hour and a half, of this pretentious guy, sitting in a chair, staring into a camera, not moving an inch
Or blinking once.
Slitting wrists, came to mind.
You sure, you just weren’t looking at a picture of a man sitting in a chair?
Do you smoke?
No sir. 52
Do you drink?
My body is my livelihood.
Do you have an ID?
I did have ID…
but I lost it…
In a bear fight.
But, it’s okay. We ate some wolf afterwards.
Ha.
So what, you came to New York City to become some big-shot or something?
I’m going to become the greatest actor of this generation.
… okay
So, until then how are you going to make the rent?
I can hold my own.
Do you have any records?
I don’t sing.
Any criminal records.
Never been caught.
Well…
You seem like a straight shooter.
Do you have the security deposit?
Yes I do. (Briefcase drops & unlocks)
(coins rattle)
Coins? Why coins?
It’s all there… accounted for.
(sighs) Actors…
(knife slams down)
(chair rolls in)
I mean look at me, I’m in a fucking wheelchair, man! You got everything!!
Look what I gotta go around with, FUCKING DIAPERS! FUCKING DIAPERS! I shit my pants everyday.
I can’t walk. I can’t hump. Just go ahead and kill me you cocksucker!
(silence)
Um… Mister Kehr. Wh- What the fuck was that?
My monologue.
That was your fucking monologue?
HA! HA! HA!
That was the worst Viggo Mortensen impression I have ever seen.
If Viggo saw that, he would just fucking kill himself then turn over in his grave.
Mr. Kehr acting is not impersonating another person’s work.
Isn’t that exactly what acting is?
I teach people to find themselves. To find themselves in the work.
To share with an audience, who they really are.
To really dig down deep. And share all their shit. Do you understand that?
Ahhh…
Ah?
Mr. Kehr, I asked you what the fuck you were thinking and all you can say is Ah?
You know that Ah, is something to say to a baby. Right? You would say Ah to a baby. Have a little conversation with a baby and you’d say Ahhhh.
Okay, now your smiling. Which is weird. Why the fuck are you smiling?
Acting is revealing your soul. It’s showing us how bold you are. Working through the blocks and showing us your fucking balls.
I’ve got balls.
oh yes! Apparently you have two more than me.
Do you wanna be revered? Do you wanna be respected?
Do you want to work to be a fully fledged actor? A wizards of the words? A slayer of the slangs? Is that what you want?
You wanna be a great fucking actor?
I wanna be the greatest.
Say it louder!
I want to be the GREATEST!
Let it ring in these great halls!
I WANNA BE THE GREATEST!!!
Nope. Nope. Stop.
Don’t do that.
You don’t bow till you’ve earned it.
(Professor Payton echoing) What I would like you to do is to go into your bathroom.
(SLAP)
And I would like you to slap the living fuck out of yourself.
And I would like you to keep hitting yourself as hard as you can until you pass out.
And then when you’ve regained consciousness I would like you to find a play.
Find a piece of writing that inspires you and I would like you to bring it to class next week. Because that is theater.
Excuse me.
Hi. Um. Patrick it’s me uh, Nastya.
What?
It’s me Nastya, we met on Tinder.
I don’t know you…
Oh you motherfucker. You gonna pretend like you don’t know me?
I’m Joseph.
I don’t give a fuck who you are.
(Librarian shushes)
No one punks me.
Okay maybe my profile picture is a few years old. And I gained… five
Alright. Call it 10 pounds. But I double dare you to find someone more beautiful, bold and ballsy than me.
I’m waiting.
Exactly!
I’m… Joseph… Kehr.
You just walk around with a picture of yourself looking like a refugee?
It’s my headshot.
Wait… You’re an actor?
Yeah!
Have I seen you in anything?
No.
Never mind, I just- I really thought you were the guy I was suppose to go out with.
You were suppose to go out with somebody at the library?
Yeah. I mean it’s a public place. I thought it would be cute… like a 80’s rom-com kind of thing.
Is that Hamlet?
Yeah.
Oh I love Shakespeare. I actually majored in English in college.
Could you give me some pointers?
Um- What does this word? TEES?
Um. I believe it, IT’S.
No. (over pronouncing) T’IS
T’IS, IT’S.
Like It’s true.
What about … TWASS.
T’was is It was.
No. With T, TWASS
Yeah. Means it was.
But Um - Could you give me some more pointers?
Sure.
I’m like really starving right now though… (clears throat)
You want… food?
Yeah…Usually like, you suppose to-
You wanna go and get something to eat?
Sure. - What do you wanna eat?
I don’t care.
Okay.
Joseph : What should I know about Hamlet? - Well Shakespeare was the greatest writer of all time.
Arguably the greatest British writer of all time.
Joseph : What do you want to eat? - Anything.
Thai? Nah.
Indian? - Ugh I love Indian, but I had it twice this week.
Chinese? -Uh no, they cook dog.
Joseph : Well what the hell do you want to eat? - ANYTHING, I told you i don’t care
Name again? - It’s pronounced NAS-TAY- YA
What is that? Asian? - Romanian.
Oh! I love Rome, I plan on dreaming of going there one day. -No, Never mind.
K-E-H-R
I don’t think I ever not found someone’s entire story online before.
akumenang.com
No wikipedia. No myspace. No nothing.
Nastya : Hold on a second, I gotta pee.
(CLUB MUSIC)
Hey! Hey! Hey!!!
Ladies room, is that way.
Uh… I’m transgendered.
What? - I’M TRANSGENDERED! What? You want to see my ID?!
Uhh… Nah go ahead.
So what were you saying?
Bro.. What are you doing?!
(Whispering) Sometimes you gotta lie to get ahead in this world.
Kelly : So daddy thought giving this whole acting thing a shot would be a good idea.
Especially after all the drama with my ex, OH MY GOD
He broke up with me online, like who does that?
He posted a picture of him and his new girlfriend with the caption “Off to bigger and better things!”
Like really? Like how old are you know what I mean?
So, I got back at him, I hacked his account. And I posted a picture of his tiny penis with hashtag #TBT #Karmasabitch
Then he blogged about how I’m crazy and insecure and jealous and whatever and totally left out the fact
That he cried like a baby during The Notebook and ate my ass like it was the last supper. Here it is.
How much did you pay for those headshots?
Daddy pulled some strings, but I think it was like $1500
Who took that?
QT He’s like so hot right now.
(Fly buzzes)
Is that a passport photo?
Yeah… Not only can I book work but I can travel.
Hm.. yeah. Good luck with that.
No, like QT has like half a million followers. And he posted that picture of me on Instagram and it got like 100,000 likes.
What is that?
Huh?
Likes? What are LIKES?
What do you mean?… (laughs)
What do you mean? It’s like the thing online. You post something and your friends and your followers like it…
What do likes do?
What do you mean, WHAT DO THEY DO?
They get you more followers.
And followers is… good?
Are you special?
YA
Ok… Um.
Followers are power, I guess.
Power…
Well, first you get the followers, then you get the sponsors, then you get the money.
How did you get followers?
I re-tweeted Ms.Ireland and told her to follow me back. And she did. Oh my god it made the BIGGEST difference. I got so many more followers.
That’s how I got my agent.
You got an agent from being online?
Mhmm
Maybe you can give your agent my headshot and he can represent me.
I don’t really think he’s looking for new clients right now. So…
Oh my god.
Do you know who that is?? That’s Johnny Milligan.
He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to have like an army of his babies.
Like so many, I don’t even have time to name them.
Like there’s one, there’s seven, there’s fourteen. (Laughs)
He doesn’t look special to me.
Are you kidding?! He’s been acting since he was like ten. He’s amazing.
Oh my god I can’t believe his in class with us right now. I have to tweet about this.
Johnny : Ahhh, yeah right. So there’s a sort of a situation.
Ahh. So listen, I may or may not have clogged the toilet. 238
I did.
Uh. But whenever you get a chance. I appreciate it cheers. Joseph : Eh, Eh-
Joseph : I’m not the janitor.
I-I-I’m in the class…
I can’t believe he walked up to you.
I should have asked him for a selfie.
[Footsteps approaching]
Professor Payton : Is everybody here?
Mister Joseph Kehr, are you ready to wow me? (snaps fingers)
(Fake British accent) To be or not to be
Joseph : That is the question
Joseph : Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune-
STOP!
For the love of fucking God stop. Um…
Mr. Kehr…
What was with the accent?
Authenticity… Shakespeare. He was British.
Ahh. Ha. Oh my god. Sorry. Yes.
Sorry. My mistake for stopping you.
William Shakespeare? He was British.
William Shakespeare… Is British.
Did you read the play Mr. Kehr?
Hamlet? The Prince of Denmark. Is not British.
It was a choice.
Wrong choice.
There are no wrong choi-
Yes! Yes! Sometimes there are wrong choices.
And that was a wrong choice.
If your argument was authenticity, why didn’t you think to do … a Danish accent?
Better still, why didn’t you learn fucking Danish? 269
Authenticity… I mean one thing I can actually be thankful for
Is you didn’t fucking kill yourself and than returned to the stage to perform in front of this random group of strangers.
BRAVO!
Congratulations and kudos to you Mr. Kehr and your… balls.
Your big balls… juicy balls.
Congratulations. Sit down Mr. Kehr.
Come. Come. Sit down.
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?!
No, put your creepy little hand down. You look like a fucking zombie.
Never mistake motion for action - Hemingway.
Have you heard of Hemingway?!
Have you heard of fucking Hemingway? Oh no. Oh no.
No! ‘Cuz there is no fucking hashtag for Hemingway. NO!
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?!
Did your agent send you? No?
What are you here for?
To add a credit to your fucking stupid little resume?! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
Not everyone can do what we do.
Not everyone can be an Actor.
And it’s not just learning lines and reciting them and playing pretend!
It’s not! A four year old can play pretend!
What we do? What we as Actors do!
We breath life into words.
And when I look at all you assholes!
I see nothing. I see dirt. I see grime.
If we’re gonna do this. You gotta trust me.
Because we gotta fuck all the nonsense outta your heads.
We gotta syphon out all the bullshit you’ve been taught since birth.
You’re too tall. You’re too stupid. You’re too thin, You’re too fat.
You’re too ethnic.
You’re always too something.
If I asked any of you. What you aspired to be?
You would tell me someone else.
None of you would tell me that you wanted to be YOU. The best version of you.
No! You’d all say “ I want to be like De Niro”
“I wanna be like Meryl Streep”! That’s what you would all say.
And fuck them. FUCK THEM.
Because you know what? When you see their work
All you see is the finished product.
You don’t see the blood, sweat and tears they go through to create
That beautiful work. You only see the glory, so fuck that right off. Okay?
If you have Fifty million followers that think you’re hashtag fucking awesome.
Doesn’t mean it’s Art. Being popular doesn’t make you talented.
And I am not in the business, I’m not here to make stupid people famous.
I want fucking truth. Truth is becoming a rarity
Because the lives we create, they are becoming the reality.
And it’s becoming bullshit (photo snaps)
I’m sorry.
Was I boring you?
Am I fucking BORING YOU?!
You fucking little cunt! WHAT THE FUCK!
Um- No, Actually that’s me.
I’m really sorry. I just- (stammers)
No, I’m out of line. I am way outta line.
Because the thing is, it’s just that I forgot this is the generation of smart phones and really stupid fucking people.
Stupid people with the concentration of little fish, you fucking ass.
Stand up.
STAND UP!
Now, sit the fuck down.
STAND UP!!!
SIT FUCKING DOWN!!!
STAND UP… SIT DOWN.
Stand up you fucking cunt. Sit the fuck down!!!
Well, at least you can take fucking direction.
You chicken…
You Chicken. : Cluck. Cluck. Cluck.
Sit the fuck down. SIT DOWN!
Pretty smart… fucking chicken.
I didn’t know chickens understood English.
If you get your fucking phone out again I will smash the fuck out of it.
Do you understand?
Do you know who did that exercise with her students?
Stella Adler. The great Stella Adler.
She asked her whole class to be chickens.
And she told them that a nuclear bomb was about to drop.
They all ran around wildly, clucking. From one end of the room to another.
Except for one student.
Who sat on the floor and started to lay an egg.
Does anyone know who the student was?
Yeah?
Brando!
You’re right.
Marlon Brando. The great Marlon Brando.
When he was asked by Stella Adler
Why he did that?
He looked her dead in her eye and said
I’m a chicken. What do I know about Nuclear Bombs.
In the next few weeks,
I am going to invite one of my friends, an industry professional to come look at a showcase.
And assess your work.
So don’t embarrass me. Don’t let me down.
In the meantime, what I want you to do, is go home.
I want you to think of all the things that hold you back.
The people who put you down.
That stifle you.
Everything you hold inside you.
Sins you’ve committed.
Then I want you to come back.
I want you start working on your shit.
Get out of here.
(Footsteps)
(Tense Music)
Mr. Kehr.
When you auditioned, we discussed this was a class you paid for.
Assholes.
So like I says, I was playing with this marionette, by the coney island boardwalk - Yeah
I found it there, right on the floor, you can’t make this shit up.
I love puppets. I love that shit. -Don’t you love playing with puppets?
I love it. They’re like people.
Hey, whose this fucking guy?
Oh, look at this. He shows the proper respect.
Shaking the hand. Yeah I like that.
What are you doing here kid? I told you this is a easy fucking job, huh.
You take the stuff, you go to 50th & 6th and hand it out. Capiche? its simple.
What do I do when I’m done?
When you’re done?
The fuck? You go home and jerk off. What do I care what you do when you done. The hell you asking me for?
Go over there and grab a friggin’ bag. Go see where you gotta go.
But, the ad said seeking actors and performers. When do I perform?
You perform the shit outta it. You hand the stuff out. Can you believe this guy?
Look at him, he’s a Frankie Valli looking motherfucker. -Cockameme shit he’s asking.
Go sing a fucking song when you hand them out.
Get the fuck outta here, you clown.
Grab a fucking bag.
Go see where you gotta go.
Come on. Go grab a bag.
Do some fucking thing. -Look at him go.
What a mamon! -He just walks away!
Eh, You bringing these fucking mouth breathers over here! - Hey! Don’t bring this on me!
I had nothing to do with him!
I’m not the one finding this fucking talent - I told Johnny to put the ad out!
The bag?
Behind the garbage.
Jesus Christ! Look at this guy!
Joseph : Here? -He’d get lost on a one way street.
I don’t think he can find his way outta a paper bag.
HAHAHA!
Marone!
A real clown, Real Clown!
Hurry up! The sale for followers ends soon!
I’ll take… one.
Hey! Do I know you?
I don’t think so pal. - No, no!
I think I know you, your face-
Nah, I got one of those faces, you know- : No! No! Hold up!
You look really familiar. Let me put my finger on this, hold on.
What’s your name? 418
Joseph…
Joseph? Joseph… ?
Joseph Kehr?! JOE KEHR! Joseph Kehr I know you!
I’m Derrick! Eh, Derrick Beaumont bro!
Don’t you remember me?? Derrick- : Nah…
We lived together for like half our lives.
Don’t you remember Stella Violets? Come on man, Derrick!
Derrick!.. : Yeah!!!
Yeah, I gotta go! : Wait- Where you going man?
Dude! What the hell happened to you? You just disappeared one day.
What are you doing now?
I’m an Actor!
Nice! Man I always wanted to be an actor!
What happened?
I grew up…
What do you do now?
I’m a lawyer.
You used to hump walls, man. : (Chuckles).
Well, now I defend equality and fair justice.
You happy?
Yeah. Good health. No bills. Clear conscious.
Wait! Wait! Come on man.
Work’s gonna call me in just a few minutes. Hold on a second. Let’s get a drink.
You work over there? : Yeah, right over there!
Listen I gotta go!
I have a meeting…
with Netflix…
HA HA HA. (Vintage music playing)
HA HA HA HA HA (Door chimes)
Oh…
(Computerized effects)
Hello?
(ANALOG VOICE) Good Morning.
How can I serve you today?
Wha- What are you?
I am ICOFFEE.
Please do not touch me.
I barely know you…
Ha. Ha. Ha.
What is all that?
That is our selection of coffees from all over the world.
Dark roast. Light roast. Bold. Regular. Espresso. Cafe con Leche. Vanilla Bean.
Caramel. Mocha. Chocolate. Latte. Frappaccino. Jamaican Blue. Hawaiian Coffee.
Colombian. ASHDLKFSL-
I just want a regular cup of coffee. Black!
Grande? Venti? Ochenta?
AMERICAN!
Size, sir.
Small? 467
Okay.
Okay. One Tall. Regular coffee that will be $6.50.
WHAT?! Coffee is a dollar!
Included tax, sir.
It’s bean juice! For christ sakes!
Shall I terminate the order?
No, listen.
I’m gonna be famous one day…
And you can tell people I drank coffee here, as sort of a promotion.
You could put my headshot on the walls or something. Okay?
HA HA HA HA HA.
We only accept Credit, Debit, Paypal, Apple Pay, Venmo, Chase Pay, Bitcoin, IOUs and Gooble Gabble.
IOUs?
Sign below.
One regular tall coffee for Jose Pepe Keffer.
It’s Joseph Kehr, remember that.
Thank you, please come again.
What? I gotta pour the fucking coffee too?!
Cream and sugar on the side.
(Pours coffee)
Thank you. Come again.
(giggles)
I gotta see that again. HA HA HA.
(Manically laughing)
HA HA HA!
(bursts into laughter)
Ha Ha Ha. You should see this-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(clears throat)
Ohh. I gotta share that.
Ha Ha Ha. Sorry Chach. Yah alright?
It’s so funny! Ha Ha Ha!
(Bathroom door closes)
(Door chimes)
(Lamp turns on)
(Types on keyboard)
(Eerie music)
(Off key sound)
(Trumpets blare)
No.
Why are you calling me? You know I’m busy.
I have this casting thing today.
Yeah. It’s like this Aids thing. I don’t even know.
: I know you can.
(Fake cough)
I gotta go.
Thank you.
Oh.
Okay… he he. Who took your headshot?
(mumbles).
Oh yeah?
Joseph KEBB?
Kehr.
KUUR?
KEHR!
Kehrrrr.
Joseph Kerrrr.
Oh! Says you studied with Professor Payton.
Yes. I am. : Ha! Isn’t she…
So much fun. Isn’t she? Ha ha.
Yes ma’am.
Well, we are going to do a quick slate.
Look at the camera and state your name.
Joseph Kehr.
Okay. Smile.
Eh. Not so big.
Not… (slaps camera)
Okay. Can we have you turn to the left.
Can we have you now turn the right?
Okay. Great. Thanks.
It says here that you are fluent in French?
I actually have a house in NICE. I absolutely love it there, the language is just so incredible. The food. The drink- : Oh god
What? : You never invited me.
No, it’s my husband’s family’s home. Uh… I hate them. : Oh really?
They’re not very friendly… : How many times have you been to my house in the Caribbean?
No! I know! And I loved your home. : Yes you did.
: Yes you did love it. You loved it. I bet. But they don’t take well to new faces. You know what?
(Slams table)
(Object drops to the floor)
Could we continue?
Um… Yeah sure.
Can you say something romantic to me, in French? For the camera.
Bonjour.
Got anything else?
Je m’appelle… Joseph
Okay! Thank you so much.
Okay Joseph Kehr.
Smile. You got Aids.
: Great. Thanks.
I got the job!
: Nah. : We’ll be in touch.
So.. you’ll call me?
If you get the job, we will be in touch.
So, I’ll wait for your call. I get the job.
I get- : We have to make a decision first.
‘kay. : Don’t call us. We’ll call you.
Okay.
Thank you. : Thanks for coming in.
Thank you!
It’s nice… coming in here. : Good. ‘Kay. Oh-
…It’s my only copy.
I’ll wait for you to call.
Yesss.
You’ll let me know…
If I have it…
If I don’t have it…
: Right, OKAY! Thank you!!!
This went well.
Thank you. : (nervous laugh).
Off? On? (flicks switch).
:Off :On.
ON! : On.
(flips switch On). : Yep.
(Door shuts).
(exhales)
Hey Nasties! Did you see that clip? That was a short film I did a few years ago.
Did you check out my make up look?
If you want a No Make Up make up look- (Door knocks)
Who the fuck is knocking on my door!
(Door continuously knocks).
Who is it?!
: It’s me!
Who is me?
: Joseph Kehr.
Joseph?- : From the other night!
Joseph Kehr?
Uh. Yeah, how do you know where I live?
: Eh- Online, one your pictures has locations and i clicked on it. And on the map on a green dot it led it right over here.
Yeah… That’s not creepy at all. Sorry I just think you should leave.
I brought you PIZZA!
You- You brought what?
I brought you some PIZZA.
How did you know that I love PIZZA?
Well, you post about it three, four pictures online, so I figured you liked it.
Wait a second.
Just a slice? Or a whole pie?!
: A whole pie!
Raise it to the peephole.
My god. I can smell it through the door.
: They say, PIZZA is food of the soul and the stairway to the heart!
Oh gosh, you and those cheesy lines.
What’s cheesy about PIZZA?
I think we should get naked and eat PIZZA.
(Unlocks door)
YAHHH!
(Vintage Radio)
How did you get 250,000 followers?
I started my YouTube channel a few years ago.
Actually graduated with a degree in Liberal Arts, which is equivalent to not having a degree at all.
Couldn’t find a job. Drowning in debt. Read online you can actually post videos doing make up. I did and people subscribed.
How many videos have you made?
I film about twice a week, so comes out to 100 videos a year.
For how long?
Six years.
How many videos can you do about make up?
Well, It’s definitely a young broads game.
But I mean, If I get pregnant, then I could do videos about like baby shit.
‘Cuz there’s like a huge market for like new Moms.
Is that what I should do?
I mean, why are you doing here?
What do you mean?
Why are you here? Why do you exist? What do you want from life?
I want to be the greatest.
Greatest what? Greatest asshole? Ha.
You can’t be the greatest if no one knows who you are.
What are you saying?
How do you plan on getting there?
There’s seven billion people on this planet. SEVEN BILLION.
How many of them are actually famous? 636
How many? A thousand?
What kind of odds are that?
Joseph : Eh I don’t- That’s .0001 percent.
Are you that special? That unique? That perfect?
I don’t think so.
How do you expect to become the greatest?
Buy more followers?
Okay, that’s a cheap way to do it, but no!
Get a role in a big movie?
Say, Yes and the movie’s crap. Box office bomb. Then what?
I’m not talking about In N’ Out fame. I’m talking about the “27 club”.
What’s the “27 club”?
Joplin. Morrisson. Hendrix.
Oh.
How about “Timeless fame”?
What’s “Timeless fame”? : Marilyn Monroe, James Dean… Michael Jackson.
Yeah…
Okay. How about the FUCKFACES? You’ve heard of them right?
Ha. Ain’t nobody ever not heard of the FUCKFACES.
Okay. So how do you think they got famous?
Eh… fucking?
Controversy! It’s that simple.
I mean… I can only speak on my behalf but
I’m- I can’t say that I’m that special to be that famous.
What are you saying?
I’m saying…
What if…
We did a… We did a sex tape.
Porn?
No, not porn. It’s classier than porn, you know?
A film that celebrates our bodies.
Huh?
I mean, unless you don’t wanna do it.
I could always find someone else to do it with. I just think it’d be a great opportunity for you, you know?
Unless… I don’t know. I mean I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I mean we just did it.
It’s gonna be on the internet. And everyone’s comes across it. Like literally everyone cums across it. Get it?
How?
Well, my agent used to produce porn. He came to me with the idea after i couldn’t book any real jobs.
It’s not that crazy of an idea.
I mean, we just did it. Except this time we do it in front of a camera. : Mhmm…
Who cares what people think.
Morality is always negotiable.
You want people to be so obsessed with you.
You want people to smell how you smell.
Eat how you eat. Look how you look. Dress how you dress.
Smile like you smile…
(City noise)
(selfie)
You’re gonna express yourself verbally, physically.
However you want.
(Harrowing music) As long as it’s honest.
(Inaudible)
Come back.
Professor Payton : Joseph you can do this.
I have a meeting with Netflix.
(grunting)
(Phone rings)
(fake voice) Hello.
Have you thought about what I said?
(normal voice) Hello?
I spoke to Vonrich. He thinks it’s a great idea. Do you realize that this could broaden our fame and make us a shit ton of money.
We need to do this ASAP. So, what are you doing tomorrow?
Oh yeah, tomorrow I’m gonna be pretty busy, you know I have a meeting with Netflix in the morning, so sorry.
Ha. Okay Joseph listen to me. The publicity for this is going to be huge. And the timing is just right because of your QT movie.
: We need to do this before that starts.
I need you to meet me at my agent’s studio. Remember what I said? Do you want to be the greatest or not?
This is the stepping stone that you need.
You don’t have to thank me yet, just bring me some flowers.
: (motorboats) Selfie inception.
Hey! : -Can you! You’re in my selfie!
My favorite YouTuber!
Vonny! : Nastya! (air kisses)
Are you ready?! : (nervous giggle)
Almost… Let me introduce you too..Joseph
Joseph?
(slaps)
Why are you dressed like a used car salesman? : What?
(snaps fingers) What is that boy’s name? Meh… You! You!
You! I know you hear me!
Oui?
Get him a suit, a REAL suit.
One from my collection.
This whole look… can’t work.
Laquelle?
Hm?
LAQUELLE?
Oh right! Right! Bring the red jacket and white pants… I’m feeling old school.
Okay…
so… how does this work?
I’ll show you how it works.
Honey? Mhmm. Come follow me.
Soon as we finish filming, I’ll vault the footage.
But the main thing is when you finished filming that QT movie.
You know, during the promos?
I’ll go get access to some of the great porn companies.
And dangle it around. They’re gonna eat it up.
: (nervously exhales) Are you okay honey?
No, it’s… I get a little nervous.
Oh no don’t worry, it’s probably a little gas. Don’t be shy just let it out.
We’ll lit a match.
: No, it’s just Don’t hold it in.
That shit’ll kill you. Never hold in a fart.
…okay.
Thanks…(breaths heavy in bag) It’s just..
I don’t really get nervous.
I…I… what are people going to think?!
: WHAT ARE PEOPLE GOING TO THINK?! What are they going to think?
They’re gonna think like “Ohhh she made something of herself”
Look how many people adore her. Celebrate her. How much money she got.
She got her own talk show… she has her own this and her own that! That’s what people gonna think.
What if I wear a mask? I can be like the Banksy of sex tapes!
HAHAHAHA! No honey! They got to see your money makers!!!
Is that for me?!
: So…
: How rated X are we gonna go with this?
: Remember how saturated the market is. If we’re gonna make a splash we gotta be willing to go all the way with it.
Joseph : Well… what’d you have in mind?
We’re gonna set up an Act. Two moderately attractive people with So-So fame.
But we gotta make sure the content banging!
I mean relentlessly fucking hot!
I mean something to make the JAPS go crazy!
Maybe some dominatrix shit.
Ahh… some pegging.
Umm.. maybe a little urine play.
WHAT THE FUCK?! : Well how many views will something like that get?
I-I… I don’t feel good…
Hey look, look stop being so dramatic. Maybe you want to stay a little later and you know…
Try to approach the world record for gang bangers. You know they doing that right across the hall.
What’s the record?
Blanco Jamaica… 921 penetrations.
That’s a lot of dicks.
Ha! You telling me.
: (gasps for air) Is she famous?
Course she’s famous. World wide. Well she can’t walk right anymore, but she’s the champ.
Would you ever consider doing something like that?
You fucking try stuffing a thousand limp dicks into fucking your ass not my fucking pussy!
Hey we can do that.
Eh.. no. 774
I- Okay No. I think… I’m not.. I just can’t do this.
I just need a few minutes.
Okay. Sure.
But
Time is clicking. And time is money.
And money is money.
And so on and so on.
I’m not fucking doing this shit!
(Ominous music)
Can you imagine World champion? HA-HA!
Just shut the fuck up.
I’m just suggesting.
Just Shut The Fuck Up.
Think about it, who would ever challenge you? You’d be famous forever.
HA-HA.
I don’t know what I was thinking.
Who am I?
Like who am I?
What the fuck am I doing?
I’m better than this.
It’s like you said. There’s 7 billion on the planet… are we really that special to be famous?
I know what I said Joseph.
Listen, just relax and let’s just go back in there … and do this thing.
I’m not gonna do it.
I’m not doing the sex tape.
What are you talking about?
Are you not listening?
You… convinced me to be here.
THINK! About the benefits.
It’s like you said. We did it before. It’s just this time it’s in front of a camera.
Don’t you get it?
This is not me.
This is not me!
I’ve been living in a constant cycle of bullshit this whole time.
Who am I if I do this?
How is this serving my purpose on this planet?
If i do this, I’ll lose every part of myself.
I’ll just be a nothing. Like a fucking nothing. 812
Just another pair of tits online. 813
I mean, you don’t have to do… this if you don’t want to.
I don’t need your permission.
Just go.
What?
I’m done with you! FUCK OFF.
What do you mean?
I’M DONE WITH YOU! JUST LEAVE!!!
You shouldn’t say things like that to me.
I’ll say whatever I want.
No. You shouldn’t say things like that to me.
I’m bored of you.
You’re a fucking pussy. What kind of man are you anyway?
How did your selfie come out?
What?
I mean you just look so pretty. I just- : What’s wrong with you-
Get the fuck off of me-
Get the fuck-
(Inaudible)
Relax… Relax. Relax.
How come you don’t have any pictures of me on your profile?
Hmm? How come?
Let’s take a picture. Let’s take a picture together okay?
Look at me..
Look at me. You looking?
Smile.
Smile!
HA-HA-HA-HA.
That’s a good one!
Smile harder! Let’s see the teeth!
That’s a good one!
I’ll send it to you!
Where’s Nastya?
I don’t know. : What do ya mean?
She left. : Are you fucking kidding me?!
: What’s this? It’s my headshot.
Don’t do that. : Don’t do what?
The thing all actors do.
I wanted to ask you about… that movie you’re producing. : What about it?
Is there a part for me? : No.
Wait! : They’re all local hires.
: Uh. We’re shooting in Cancuncanca.
I looked up your work. You seem to use the same actors. Where’s the risk?
The risk? The risk is i blackball you and your girlfriend, you fucking ingrate.
Ha Ha. I can see why you don’t win any awards. Ha Ha.
: Who said I want any awards? Everyone wants to win awards. Everyone wants to be respected and recognized.
: Only care about two things. My time, my money and you wasted both of it.
He He… I just need a chance. Please.
: Look (grunts). Please!
Look… Okay. : One chance!
Everyone wants to be somebody’s discovery, not nobodies charity.
: Got an agent?
: Look.
Tell you what, after you finish that QT movie, you stop by my office and we’ll talk.
: Right now? I need you to go find Nastya so we can shoot this movie and make some serious money.
: Okay?
Now go ahead. Get out. Hey wait a minute-
: Is this my jacket? IS THIS MY FUCKIN’ JACKET? Don’t TOUCH ME!!!
(Punches)
(car drives by) Hey Nastya, it’s me Joseph.
I just wanted to say…
I just wanted to…
say…
Did you get a chance to post that selfie?
(Duck sound ringtone)
Hello?
Yes?
Yes I am.
Johnnie : right back at you guys! Cheers!
Break a leg everyone.
Oh you from the class?
Did they call you in for this? Huh…
Break a leg…. (sarcastically)
Hi. : I have AIDS.
Hi Joseph, thanks for coming back.
I have AIDS.
No, not yet.
First we have to do a quick slate.
Tony? : Yep. Good to go.
Um. I’ll read with you. Let me know when you are ready.
I have aids.
Ready?
I have some troubling news.
The blood test came back… you are HIV positive.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Tony : Ha Ha. I’m sorry. Ha Ha. : Shhhhh.
Shhhhh. Tony: Okay. Okay. Sorry. Sorry.
We’re sorry. We can take another.
Tony : Yeah we’re good to go. : Don’t worry about it Joseph we can take another.
Tony : (holding back laughter) Ha ha. : Stop it.
Okay? You can start reading.
Ready?
I have some troubling- I’m sorry.
Could you delete that? I made a mistake. Tony : It’s okay, we’re gonna cut over it.
Tony : In post… Okay….
Ready? I have a some troubling- - I’m sorry! Could you just delete that! I don’t want it on the record.
No. No one’s gonna see it. : I don’t want it on the record.
I made a mistake. So could you just- Tony : Dude. Dude.
Uh. Joseph- Tony : if it’s about acting. Just relax.
Let it happen.
Don’t worry about this shit we’re gonna cut over it. : Yeah. Please.
Yeah.. step back a little so we can get you. : Step away from the camera.
Get a good shot of you. : The button’s right there!
Tony : Dude watch what you’re doing dude! Watch it man!
Hey! Hey! Calm down!!! : I need this.
I…
I… Have… AIDS. (screaming)
AIDS!!!! : Get him outta here!!!
I … have … : GET HIM OUTTA HERE!
Oh my god : Go!
I HAVE AIDS! : Lock it! Lock it!
(Door shuts)
(Handball bounces)
So, how’d the audition go?
It went… really, really well.
So you, ah… have the part?
I’m pretty sure I got that part. Pretty damn sure.
So… you have the rent money?
I gave you the rent money.
No you didn’t.
Yes I did! Remember that time, at that place over there with the guy? And that thing.
I think I’d remember that.
You remember the skinny guy with the bald head with the speech impediment and the funny ears?
What?! No! I don’t remember any bald guys.
Alright, alright relax. Give me a week, I’ll get you money, alright?
What? Why do you have paper on the windows? : I need it to be darker to work, I needed it to be concentrated.
Now I need my money! Alright, give me a week I’ll get your god damn money.
I don’t care- YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE?! YOU FUCKING CARE NOW?!
You gonna give me the money? Huh? I need $500! You gonna give me $500?!
(Gasps) I-I- I don’t lend money to friends.
We’re not friends.
We’re not?
No.
You’re nuts!
And scene…
(Door slams)
You’re getting bigger.
Thank you. : You got that cake, okay!
Thanks Daddy, I’m just trying to be like you, you know. : Hey, let’s work out right here.
Babe, I’m super excited about tonight. This restaurant I’m taking you to is very, very nice.
Yeah? : I know we haven’t gone out in a while and it’s really my fault.
: It’s true. But i feel like I’m really gonna make it up to you tonight babe. I really do.
: Babe! I’m a let you finish, but there’s something I gotta tell you.
So, you know the other night, right?
Well, he came through the window and went underneath the sheets, and…. : Who?
I didn’t want to tell you, but he started tickling my toes…
Wait, who the fuck is tickling your toes? : And I was like Ah ah ah, ain’t nobody gonna be tickling my toes but my man.
Tom, who the fuck is tickling your toes??
I’m sorry okay? Don’t make me say his name.
Freddy?…
: Yeah Freddy. Is that why he called you at 3 o’clock in the morning? I knew that was him.
He has a medical condition! : No! He has insomnia! Why the fuck is he calling you at 3 o’clock in goddamn the morning, Tom?!
Insomnia is the leading cause of strokes, look it up Steve. Pick up a book. Read something! : I ain’t picking up shit.
I ain’t picking up SHIT! Next time he calls you at 3 o’clock in the morning, I’m gonna beat the shit outta him. You understand-
Oh my god- : (odd grunting)
Honey, do you have any change? : No.
This poor, poor man. He’s sick. He’s broke and he is deaf. Come on, just give him a dollar for his card.
This “poor, poor man”? Look hair on point, eye brows on fleek. Look at him, outfit Yeezus like. He is not homeless.
Stop it. He is very, very sick. Just give him whatever you have.
Look you feel so bad, you give him your money. Okay?
Um. I only have credit cards, you think he’ll take that?
Yeah! And he’s gonna swipe his ass with it. That’s what he’s gonna do.
Maybe! Look it up Steve, homeless people in Sweden carry credit card readers all the time! HELLO! Because no one carrie cash anymore. Excuse me sir, do you take credit?
He’s deaf… remember?
HA-HA! Oh my god. I forgot. Uh…
I’m sorry. : Look Captain Obvious it’s a scam, okay?
They’re called Mole People. Cameramen followed them around- : He don’t look like no mole.
It’s a scam Tom, okay?!
Yeah, you know it all. Pfft.
I do. I ain’t giving him- Stop it. Have a heart.
This man is sick, all he needs is some money, stop acting like money don’t grow on trees!
It doesn’t Tom! : Come on, it’s paper! Hello?
What the fuck- Tom!
If you give him anything above a dollar. I’m seriously gonna be upset! : Stop acting like you don’t got money to cut that beard!
Here you go sir.
Oh, you just gonna take it all? : (mutters)
Don’t you feel good about yourself now? Take your wallet. : Fuck that.
(fake crying) : See you made him happy.
(real crying) : it’s okay sir. It’s gonna be alright-
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh hell no!
(chairs banging) I guess you can say that- Fuck!
Shit. Um.
Um… : Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
So I guess you could say that… : HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Shit- Um compensating for the fact that he- (gasps)
(tossed fruit splatters)
And that ha-ha-ha!
Boys and girls and those of you that do not know! That is live theater!
Bravo! Bravo! Ha Ha Ha.
Sorry mate, do you mind? I have a meeting with the studio right after. Cheers.
Come on, sit down. Go ahead, sit down.
Okay yo man! I gotta tell you something!
Me? I’m a fucking Jedi-fighter.
I’m fucking serious yo! I got a Jedi name and everything. I got powers!
I got a lot of powers. But I can’t use my powers for bad. Or else i gotta wear one motherfuckin’ mask like Darth Vader, you know.
Wear a fuckin’ mask, i don’t think that shits will fly too good in the city, is all i’m saying.
But I got these powers, why the fuck am i gonna waste my powers against fuckin’ clown Jimmy, Jose, Ra-Ra. I can’t take risk to lose my powers.
By accidentally doing bad against them. But, yo here’s the thing.
If you and me was to just got out as friends. And someone tried to mess with you. Someone tried to do you harm. You better believe I’d use all my Jedi powers against them.
Even if they took my ass to jail, fuck it man. I’d give you money first so you could go and eat shrimps!
: Okay? Professor Payton : BRAVO! It was great, great work!
(applause) Joseph? You’re up.
Break a leg mate!
To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Professor Payton : Excuse me I’m sorry, who are you?
Hamlet…
: Joseph are you on fucking crack?
: How arrogant can you be? You don’t get more than two lines in without breaking concentration?
: Where’s your commitment?
I am committed. : No you’re not, you’re not committed.
I am committed. : No you’re not!
: You broke character, you concentration and you broke the scene No!
I never break character! I am committed! I AM HAMLET!
I’m not in the scene with you, so why would you respond that way? It’s fucking stupid.
Wait, wait, wait a minute! : No!
I am not going to wait for you!
I’ll tell you why. Because what I am asking you to do, I’m not asking you to build a rocket.
It’s not brain surgery! It’s simple.
Commit. One hundred percent. That is all I am asking from you.
You know, you have the audacity to stand on my stage!
:Oh for fuck’s sake. I’m getting a headache!
: Ohhh, here we go. I just want to punch someone in the fucking face right now!
I’m getting a headache with you right now, alright?
: Really? I’m sorry.
I have some problems. : WE’VE ALL GOT FUCKING PROBLEMS!!
I’VE GOT PROBLEMS! SHE’S GOT PROBLEMS! HE’S GOT PROBLEMS!
: HE’S GOT PROBLEMS! I have some problems!
Problems? Are also the solution.
What more do you want from me? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! : Tell me that you understand-
: I want you to be fucking honest. (breaking) I am honest.
Well, not I don’t believe- : FUCK YOU!
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. : No. No.
It’s just… I’m having some trouble here. : No. No.
I’m having- : Denial. Denial. Denial. DE-FUCKING-NIAL.
I just had a fight with my girlfriend.
: No fucking wonder! You’re fucking insane!-
I was suppose to be in this movie. I was suppose to go to Cooncancanka and shoot this movie. But I beat the producer half to death. I stole his clothes that’s why I look like this.
Oh for fuck’s sake! How are you feeling in this moment, be fucking honest. : I AM-
Just be honest, how are you feeling?!
I feel like coming down there, and ripping your face off.
HAHAHA. : Am I suppose to be scared right now?
No! HAHAHAHA.
Ah.. I feel like coming down there, really, really right now, and ripping your fucking face off.
I feel like coming down there and ripping your fucking face off!
HAHAHAHAHA!
I’m gonna come down there and rip your fucking face off. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
You’ve got more! FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME! FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!
I am showing you! What do you want for me?! : The truth!
I am showing you the truth! : Who-
I WAS ABANDONED! I AM AN ORPHAN!!!
: Who holds you back? EVERYONE!!!
No bad Mr. Kehr, How do you feel?
: You feel alright? Feel like coming down there
Yeah… sure. Okay.
Listen to me, listen to what I’m trying to get you to do.
Okay?
You keep blocking, you keep pushing stuff down.
I need everything to be there alive within you.
Unless you understand that, within yourself.
You’ll never understand a character.
Do you understand?
You know, a teacher is not just a teacher.
A student? A student is not just a student. People aren’t just fucking people. And whether it was something from the past, the present or the future.
Unless you put you, into every single character… we got nothing.
I really want you to go home tonight, I want you to think about the work.
And I want you to come back next week for showcase, yeah?
And trust me.
Trust me.
I really think for you, it’ll be worth it.
Bravo! Mr. Kehr.
: What’s up guys? I’m Barbara G. And I got the scoop for you with a side of OH-MY-GOD. Today we are talking about what is hot and what’s not.
Speaking on what’s not, former child actor Johnnie Milligan, whose long battled with drug abuse and rumors of homo sexuality, is now attempting a major comeback.
Bugsy : This is your life. No one is coming to save you. Take 100% responsibility. Solidify your digital presence today!
THIS IS YOUR LIFE! NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU! TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY! SECURE YOUR DIGITAL PRESENCE!
BUILD YOUR FOLLOWING BY PAYING FOR EXPOSURE! ONLY $500!!!
This is your life. No one is coming to save you! Take 100% responsibility. Secure your digital presence.
(Slot machine music)
No one is coming to save you! Take 100% responsibility. Secure your digital presence. Build your following by paying for exposure.
Only $500!
Build your following by paying for exposure. Only $500! This is your life. No one is coming to save you.
Take 100% responsibility. Secure your digital presence.
Build your following by paying-
Happy anniversary baby! So, what’d you think?
Are you kidding me? $300 a plate for that? a bummy Tuna Tar-Tar salad?
I mean the main course was two scallops.
Well, my farquaar was divine.
Ha! It’s FOIE-GRAS
No, like Lord Farquaad.
It’s FOIE-GRAS.
Foie-Gras?
You have to have a little Ummpf, if we’re eating at these restaurants darling.
FOIE-GRAS! : FAW GWAW
I like that, Foie-gras. : Hmm..
Interesting. A little Hmm-
Give me that bag! I need that! 1112
Oh it’s about to go down! You fucked up right there!
Baby! Get the shank out! Get the hairbrush. Put this around his mouth! He is going to sleep right now!
I need this! : Oh my god? Oh my god!
I think I know who this is! : This motherfucker?
It’s the “ I GOT AIDS GUY! “ : Rey Misterio?!
What?! : We’re huge fans, my man!
Let’s take a polaroid. Hold on, watch my hair, HA HA. : Selfie!!
Babe! Um. You’re choking him… : Oh, I’m sorry.
Everyone say, “We Got Aids!”
(unison) “We’ve got Aids!!!”
Ohhh. Classic. Let’s get dessert. : Oh my god. What a dick.
: Of course. (Slot Machine Jackpot)
Have you seen this shit?!
It already has a million hits on YouTube.
You know you having a bad day, when you have people laughing at you. : “Your blood test came back, your HIV Positive.”
Look at this bitch. She can’t help her self. : ALLAHAKBUR! (Explosion).
: Ha Ha.
I can’t, this is horrible. This is fucking terrible.
My mother has seen this video, my grandma. EVERYBODY has seen this video already.
I got friends after friends, tagging me to all the videos on Instagram. On Facebook. : Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Upbeat Club music)
: That’s it, his career is over. His career is basically shot.
: Like that’s it.
: Seriously this video is everywhere. There are ton’s of memes about him now.
: Yeah. It’s over.
It’s your girl Barbara G, and I’m proudly here to announce the newest Hollywood trend is in.
Lucky for me, I’ve been on the ball since day one! You guessed it.
: Gapped Teeth motherfuckers!
What was once considered undesirable, is now the It thing, rich bitches are currently trying to cosmetically alter.
Now, I’d like to say I paved the way for this sensation.
But. I’ve got to give props to those gents and dames before me.
I’m talking about L Fish, K Moss, Woody H and E wood. And my personal favorite, Uzo Aduba.
Bugsy Cloverdale : What are you waiting for?
The days that break you, are the days that make you!
(continuous laughter) HA HA HA HA HA HA
(Bang!)
Patience conquers destiny.
And today, is the day that we’ve all be working towards.
Professor Payton : I have invited an Industry Professional.
My friend QT, an award winning Director, Writer, Producer.
Who is casting his latest film, is going to view your work.
: So, let the games begin.
: Remember whatever happens, happens- (chair dragging)
Except for you. Go, go.
Go.
I’m not kidding, go.
(tosses papers)
Spent eight in Chino, got two years left.
Uh… 14 months and 10 to go.
Ah. Most have done some bad shit, right?
It was all a misunderstanding. : misunder- Two years for a misunderstanding?
: Heh, what are you in for?
I stole a car stereo.
: I had to pay off a gambling debt.
In Vegas, cops chased me all the way thru Barstow.
Crossing state lines, is a federal offense my friend.
You a thrill seeker?
Yeah. Fuck yeah.
You know, when I was a teen.
I used to run a chop shop retagging cars to Russia before I got into the market. Now I get paid to steal.
I-I once knocked over this check cashing shop in Queens.
Me and these guys dressed as cops, as black cops.
We had all those movie magic makeup.
Like these Mission Impossible masks, We were in and out without a single shot fired.
Yeah but you got caught, right?
Hey! We in the same cell, you and I.
We ain’t the same.
I studied in schools, you failed the streets.
I’m groomed for success, you’re a by-product of poverty.
I-I heard that a, you absconded with umm…. 18 or 19 million dollars.
From some charity, some fucking kiddie cancer charity. Is that right?
Eh, I don’t know what you talking about.
You don’t know what I’m talking about?
You ain’t no fucking gangster, man.
You- - You’re fucking playing pretend… look at you.
You lie about who you are because you can’t fucking deal with it.
Pussies lie because they ain’t got the balls to be real with who they are and show the fucking world.
The real you… the real you is ugly and scared. That’s the reason you’re here man.
You don’t know me.
I know you! I know you!
I fucking know you better than you know yourself. You’re the- you’re the fuckin- - You’re the….
The kinda guy who gets tossed around here like a fucking bucket of fried chicken in here. Everyone get’s a piece.
: FUCK YOU MAN! Yeah. Fuck you man. Fuck me? You’re not my type.
: Ha Ha Ha. Shut the fuck up.
: Denial! It’s not a pretty look for you.
Shut the fuck up. : Fuck you motherfucker-
: 10 fucking years! 10 Fucking years i’ve been in here!!!
Seconds feel like fucking hours, hours feel like days, days feel like months, feel like a fucking eternity!!!
TEN YEARS?! I’ve been in prison my whole fucking life!!!
HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Ohhh Boo-fuckity-who “my life is a prison!” You’ve got no fucking clue man.
I have no idea who I am.
I’ve given myself over to people who say “come here!” “fly over here”, “sit here”, “eat this”, “look at the camera” “fucking smile”!
I’m the fucking toy that the kids got bored of and threw the fuck away.
And that was success! I rose to the fucking top with that!
The fall from up there, man. Is much harder than you could fucking imagine.
‘Cuz I had nothing afterwards, NOTHING.
Half of my friends, my childhood friends are dead.
From natural or unnatural causes, it’s not a fucking difference really.
I made a career… a fucking career.
Most my life was just living out other people’s fantasies.
Never! Never once knew who I was.
So don’t tell me-
I know who you are! I know who you fucking are!
(slight laugh) I know who you are better than I know myself. What’s more tragic than that?
: Right?
: Why do you think I’m in here?
Self understanding is the path to my glory. Nothing more, nothing less.
(Slow clap)
(intense music)
: Hey!
Jesus! : Can I get an autograph?
Oh shit! How do you know where i live?
Johnnie Milligan.
Actor, artist, human being.
Who’s life was tragically cut short by one of the most bizarre drug overdoses as far as I’m concerned.
All of us here consider this a great loss to the entertainment industry.
Although Johnnie’s death was ruled a suicide-
Investigators have re-opened his case as new evidence suggests possible foul play. Tune in for more details.
Hi! I’m Harley Gonzalez and today we’re here with Joseph Kehr
The big star of the movie Dante’s Inferno.
: I’m an admirer of your work.
: Hi! Same here.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for having me.
: Thanks, let’s get started. Okay? Alright…
When you look back on your life, what did you reflect on? : I don’t look back.
Hmm. Okay.
Uhh let’s talk a little bit about the film. What was it like filming it. I haven’t had the chance to see it, please tell us little bit about it.
It’s a movie… : Okay.
: It’s a movie? And I’m in it.
That’s a great answer. Umm.. You said you established yourself in the Hollywood game, what else do you want to achieve?
You know, well I’ve always said I wanted to be the greatest actor.
Meh I can… still achieve that.
Those are some pretty big shoes to fill.
Well I got some pretty big feet to fill ‘em.
Um.. (nervous laugh). : He He He.
:In one of your quotes you’ve said- Well I take each day as they come.
Umm (exhales).
You said you’ve studied with Professor Payton- : Eh hold on, you got something here-
Uhhh… that’s fine… Ummm
You said you’ve studied with Professor Payton, let’s look at your professional background.
How much of your success do you attribute to her?
See you keep wanting to go backwards.
See I’m trying to go forward.
You gotta go forward. You gotta go left, right, left, right. That’s how you progress.
Right, but they go hand in hand. : What does?
The past and the future.
Is that like a Chinese pro-verb?
How did it feel to be on of the last actors to work with the late Johnnie Milligan?
I remember working with him,
and thinking WOW.
You know?
I’ll never be as good as that guy.
No matter how hard I worked and how hard I tried.
It’s unfortunate he’s no longer with us.
And I don’t have to compete with him anymore, so… he he he.
: (nervous laugh) Okay.
I’m just gonna take off your glasses.
Okay…
(nervous exhale) I’m a really big fan.
You know…
I’m actually an aspiring actress myself, I’m going to USC soon. I’m really excited.
I’m like, you know in this weird in-between place. Do you have any advice or-
Stop talking.
Don’t worry I’ll green screen most of it, like QT does.
I know it’s just you and I.
But guess what? WE’RE MAKING A MOVIE!
And yes! The universe has a plan.
That’s as long as it goes?
Let me just take this hair off real quick, alright?
(Door knocks)
Coming!
: Hey! How are yah?
Uh.. good.
I’m just gonna give you guys a moment.
He’s a real talker.
: After you Summer-field. Thank you partner, Chap!
:That’s my partner in crime.
Whoa! : Wow!
Look at you!
Hey! Sorry to bother you.
I am really sorry to bother you! See I just wanted to come in here and just-
Ask you for your autograph. You see, because we just started working on this film.
You don’t mind, do you?
It’s why I do this.
Hey!!! (laughter)
What a nice guy! There you go, look at that there. : Wow.
Just sign that for us.
Thank you. Thank you.
What a great smile! Doesn’t he? Great smile this guy. : Wow, yeah look at that.
Ohhhh! Look at that there! : Wow!
Whew! That is some beautiful penmen-ship. : Jesus.
What do you think about that Summer-field? : Lovely.
Yeah? Oh I’m sorry i didn’t introduce you, this is my partner Summer-field. : Yeah.
You want one too?
HAHAHAHAHA
: You want an autograph? Ha Ha Ha. Fuckin’ guy right here! Ha Ha Ha.
: Summer-field don’t want no autograph, Summer field is more of a selfie type of lady. You know?
But getting back to this penman-ship now, : Yeah.
This is some beautiful, beautiful penman-ship. Isn’t it? : (clicks tongue).
Right? It’s on point. : Yep. Yeah.
You know what? You should be a writer. : Yeah.
You really should- : Storyteller.
There you go again! You should be a story teller. : Ha Ha.
Like the way you keep telling that story to everyone around town.
I want to hear that story.
What story?
The one with you and Johnnie. You know that one?
Well, Summer-field what she’s trying to say. She wants to know where you were the night Johnnie was killed.
I had an audition…
In front of Professor Payton… and QT.
Th-That’s it? You finished? You know we don’t want to interrupt you when you in the flow of your bullshit.
Tough critic.
Oh… this guy. Hey listen : You are! You really are a tough critic.
I always said that about you. : It always happens, you never know.
: Oh! (bottle shakes) What?
Did you see that flinch? No I missed it, what happened?
Yeah you missed that Chap. Missed that : Ohhh.
(Pills clutter) : You recognize that?
I know you do. : Should I?
Oh we found that right where Johnnie was killed. : Tsk.
Ahh. I know, there goes Summer-field again correcting me again.
The night that Johnnie “overdosed”.
It’s a Greek tragedy.
Ohh… Wow. : Right to the heart, right? Right to the heart.
You know what irony is? Hm?
It’s a state of affairs or event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects.
And, is often amusing as a result.
You go girl.
I know you like that. : Look at that!
See the thing is tho, Johnnie’s death was amusing and it wasn’t expected.
One can never understand the logic of an addict.
Oh right. Really? Thank you.
It’s deep this guy. : Wow, this guy.
You know the thing is tho…
Now I know you were with Johnnie the last night that he was alive.
So let’s cut the bullshit. Tell me your story.
You know, funny thing about that night.
:Hey! Can I get an autograph? : Jesus, Oh shit how did you know where I live?
: I’ve been vicariously living thru your social media. HAHAHA.
Drinking tends to kill brain cells.
I got— I’m sober man.
: I know. That’s why I brought you beer, you bitch.
And brain cells connected to the memory.
Fuck it. Alright. Fuck. Jesus Christ.
So that’s why that nights a little fuzzy.
: Wait! Doesn’t count unless you make eye contact! Cheers…
All the drinking and alcohol.
Yeah.
: Hey… hey. (grunts).
Take this.
(pills jingle in bottle)
I drink alcohol with my Cheerios. It’s how I get by.
Everyday that’s the only way I know how.
You see, so don’t give me this bullshit you were too wasted. You’re a grown ass man.
You gotta think and you gotta think harder.
(Johnnie choking)
What the fuck is this?! What the fuck did you do?!
HA HA HA HA HA
(vomits)
(glass bottle smashes)
You see that, you see? It’s always some type bullshit with your people.
You better think about what your gonna say next.
Cuz’ we watching you.
We got our eye on you!
And you gonna crack.
And when you do, we gonna be there to pick up the pieces.
Hm?
: Capiche?
See I tell you what.
You didn’t recognize the pills or the bottle.
So me? I’m a thinker too, right? : Yeah. Yeah.
So I have an idea. : What’s that?
How about we get a urine sample from this guy? Let’s clear him, Let him be a free man. Let’s prove that he’s innocent.
: Yeah, well it’s too late for that. The timeframe is up for the urine sample. It’s too late for that?!
Okay, let’s do this then let’s do this, let’s get a little bit of blood,
Take the blood back to the lab, clear his name, set him free. Prove to the world that he did not kill Johnnie-
Nope. Nope. Nope. Time’s passed. Too late. : Can’t do that either?! (slaps paper).
: (exhales) damn. Son of a bitch.
I guess that’s it then. I guess our time’s up. Isn’t it?
: Guess that’s it. I mean there’s nothing else to talk about.
Well. Mr. Kehr. Kerr? I’m sorry what’s your name again? : KEHER?
: KAHEER? KEE-HER?! Ohh Mr. KEHER.
I am your biggest fan tho. Thank you very much. : Mister KEE-HER. Ha Ha.
Oh, oh one more thing, on a private note.
My girl is a huge fan. She would die if she knew I was with you today.
Would you mind taking a selfie with me and my partner? : Oh!
Come on. Please. Please. : Is that okay?
Ohhh. I tell you he’s- Your a special one alright. : Wow. Wow. Something man.
Movie star! Ha-ha.
Here goes nothing.
Let me get that. : (sucks teeth)
Look at his smile, eh? That is a superstar smile, right there. : Look at that man.
That is a superstar smile, right there.
Ohhh yeah! : WOW!
That’s nice Chap! Look at that. Wow. Yep. : That’s nice, I like that one. Look at that.
You know, I mean you have some really nice hair. If I must say, you know it’s like a salon type shit, right?
It’s almost like Johnnie’s in a some eerie way. Same waves. : Yep.
Oh. I think that’s a grey hair, right there.
Oh that’s too bad. Look at that. : You see that?
Hate those! Ohhh… : Handsome man, like himself getting grey already.
You know.. Sh-Should I? Should I?
I’ll take that as a yes. : I buy it.
Yeah me too. : Go ahead.
(hair plucks out) Ohhh wow that’s good. Now that’s gonna work.
HA. Yeah. That’s definitely gonna work- : That’s gonna work for me Chap, that’s gonna work.
Ah, you got more than one there didn’t you. That’s nice. : Oh yeah.
I tell you what? Let’s take that back. : Gotcha.
Run DNA. : Gotcha.
We’re gonna prove that Mister QEEHER is innocent. : We gotcha. We got you.
Once and for all we gonna prove that he’s innocent.
Alright? : Yep. We got you buddy.
Don’t worry. : Thank you again.
We got your back, thank you. We got your back. Thank you. : Alright, I tell you what-
: You want these lights on or off?
: Off? You want them on or off?
Off. Off. Off. You want them off, alright.
: You get some rest now alright buddy? : Yeah… Oh wow movie star that was something.
: Whoo. I love the movies.
(Door slams)
Ha Ha.
Ha Ha Ha (coughs)
(slow laughter)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA