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MORTDECAI: As you may
well know, I am many things.
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00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,489
An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,
3
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,126
fair shot with most weapons.
4
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:59,723
I am loved and respected
by all who know me...
5
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,485
Slightly.
6
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:06,641
But I have always felt
7
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,922
there's something missing, you see.
8
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,321
Some final piece of my personal puzzle.
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00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,927
I needed something bold, distinctive.
10
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,240
Ah, thank you.
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The work of art with which
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I could declare to the heavens,
13
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I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai,
14
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and this little bit of magic
15
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is my mustache.
16
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I see.
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Shall we to business then, Fang?
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Would you mind?
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"Find," you said.
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Mmm, and find, I have done.
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The Qianlong vase.
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00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,211
Very, very rare.
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Low-fired with an immersion glaze?
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None of the southern
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Yangtze ceramics are low-fired.
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00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,685
But you know that.
You're testing me.
27
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(GROANS)
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I'm so terribly sorry.
Mosquito. You see it?
29
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:20,527
(MORTDECAI CHUCKLES)
30
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,887
Why don't you test the vase instead?
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I am sure that you will agree
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00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,881
it is a bargain at two million pounds.
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Everyone knows you're broke.
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You will take one million.
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Ooh.
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Golly, that was a big one! (CHUCKLES)
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00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,042
Well, have it your way, Fang.
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00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,210
One million pounds.
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00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,766
I trust that you have, um,
brought the treasuries?
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I think I'll keep the money.
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00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:57,921
And the vase.
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(MUMBLES)
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00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,602
You cheated me in our last deal.
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00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:02,921
(STAMMERING)
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00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,130
I paid three million for that tapestry,
46
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,684
then found out it is worth only one!
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(GRUNTS)
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(CHUCKLES)
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You took from me.
Now I will take from you.
50
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,203
Now, you look here, Fang! Fat. Fang Fat.
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00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,123
I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan.
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A rogue, perhaps, a scamp
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or scoundrel, I will grant you.
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But never an outright mountebank.
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Enough!
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You owe me.
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I believe a finger would be fair.
Don't you?
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No!
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Oh!
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Jock!
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00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,007
I wouldn't, mate.
I really wouldn't.
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00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,327
(MORTDECAI YELPS)
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00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,084
Jockie, thank heavens!
Where have you been, man?
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Right behind you as always, sir.
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(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
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(SCREAMING)
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Ahh!
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(GRUNTING)
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MORTDECAI: Jock!
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(GRUNTING)
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Well done, Jockie.
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It's a privilege, sir!
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(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
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(SCREAMS)
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Jock, you're ablaze!
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(GRUNTING)
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Well, I think our work here is done.
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- Time to go, sir.
- Ah.
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(SIRENS WAILING)
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00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,246
MORTDECAI: Jock laid out the state
81
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,328
of our financial affairs.
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00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,721
Basically, they involved debt.
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Massive, crushing debt.
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00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,486
We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor,
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00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,722
where my beloved wife, Johanna,
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00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,406
having heard of our financial distress,
87
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,760
was arriving home
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00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,207
to sell off some of my prized possessions.
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00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,481
Even my horsey picture was on the block.
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00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,930
But I was hopeful my new moustache
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would cheer her up.
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JOHANNA: Darling!
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Oh, God, I missed you terribly.
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MORTDECAI: Johanna. Love of my life.
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Apple of my eye.
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I so wish you had been there.
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00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:45,920
(SIGHS)
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00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,440
Can you imagine the two of us
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00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,010
in that frigid city,
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00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:51,610
only our passions keeping us...
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00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,286
Whoa! (LAUGHING) What is that?
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Just a little something I cooked up
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whilst you were away, my darling.
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00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,770
I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher
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who said that kissing a man without
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00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:06,446
a moustache is rather like
eating an egg without salt.
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00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,722
Oh, don't point that thing at me.
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Told ya.
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I have put no inconsiderable thought
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and effort into this endeavor.
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00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,568
You see, the domain of a man's upper lip
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is his sovereign ground...
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00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,485
You have five minutes to shave it off.
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00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,963
Every Mortdecai man before me had the same.
Why can't I?
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00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,723
Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it,
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and I have had every intention
of seeing it through.
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You mean it's going to get bigger?
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It will come to fruition, yes.
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(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, darling...
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MORTDECAI: Mmm.
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You really won't shave it off?
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Oh...
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I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture.
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It's not even fully corked. It's a baby.
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- Jock?
- Yes, madam?
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Please, will you make up
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00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,762
the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai?
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Already have, madam.
129
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And I shan't be having dinner
downstairs this evening.
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I'll just have a supper tray in my room.
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Very good, madam.
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JOHANNA: Oh...
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I do believe Jock has informed you
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00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,322
that we are staring down
the barrel of insolvency.
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What do you plan to do about it?
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Right. Yes, well...
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That... Well... Quite.
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First thing we're doing
is selling off that Sheridan.
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(MOANS)
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Oh, my sweet little love beast,
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I am sure that we will
come up with the necessary funds
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by the end of the month.
What is today, the fifth!
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The 26th, sir.
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All right. That gives us six...
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Four days, sir.
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Jock?
Please can you take the Sheridan
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up to London in the morning?
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I'm entering it in the
Autumn Masters Auction.
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00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:51,881
Right you are, madam.
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Come, come.
Let's not be rash.
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JOHANNA: Oh, hello, Poppet.
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We cannot go about
selling off family heirlooms willy-nilly.
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I'm afraid I shall have to
put my foot down, darling.
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Sorry?
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With your permission, of course.
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(SIGHS)
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Bugger it.
Oh, there he is.
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Mmm.
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She'll come around, Jock.
How could she not?
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She's only human, sir.
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MORTDECAI: A quick aside about Jock.
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In addition to being my
manservant and thug,
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he also maintains an enviable rate
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of sexual intercourse,
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which can be occasionally problematic.
166
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,363
Recently, after we'd concluded
the sale of a painting
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00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,283
To a wealthy turkey farmer...
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(GUNSHOT)
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What was that?
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Get your head down, sir.
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What have you done now, man?
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Ohh!
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Onward, Jock! Onward!
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Don't shoot, farmer!
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Dad! What the hell are you doing?
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Jock! Jock, wait! Jock!
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I have me own apartment!
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00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,962
Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?
179
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,128
I only gave her the once-over.
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00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:05,486
Where do you find the time?
181
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Sorry, twice-over.
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00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,962
MORTDECAI: Dear, sweet, simple Jock.
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00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,321
Every man should have a Jock,
don't you think?
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00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,164
Meanwhile, not far away,
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00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,161
our fortunes were about
to become intertwined
186
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:30,165
with one of the art world's
greatest mysteries.
187
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,164
And a dead hag.
188
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:36,960
(ARROW HISSING)
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(GASPS)
190
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,681
Bull's-eye.
191
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:55,127
GARDENER: Miss Bronwen?
Everything all right?
192
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,202
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
193
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,971
Get back behind the tape!
194
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,690
Excuse me.
This is a crime scene.
195
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:38,801
Hello?
196
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,245
Who is this guy?
197
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,566
You and your men have done
198
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,967
an admirable job stomping
all over the place.
199
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,048
Your services are no longer required.
200
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,088
Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir.
201
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,927
Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir.
202
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,240
(CAMERA CLICKING)
203
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,004
Can I have all Thames
Valley police officers
204
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,320
back in their cars, please?
205
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,721
There's been a jurisdictional change.
206
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,527
That painting could be
anywhere by now, sir.
207
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,285
Yes, I suppose it could.
208
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,447
You know we're going to
209
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,686
have to ring him, don't you, sir?
210
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,364
No, I do not know that, Maurice.
211
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,521
No one knows the filthy underside
212
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,681
of the art world better than he, sir.
213
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,444
He is the filthy underside.
214
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,521
(SIGHS)
215
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,284
Why did it have to be art?
216
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,887
MORTDECAI: Inspector Alastair Martland.
217
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,690
MI5.
218
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,962
Martland and I met at Oxford.
219
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,451
Once in a while I provide him
220
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:41,965
With some off-the-record help
221
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,123
with the seedier side of art collecting.
222
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:50,929
And in exchange, he gives me
a wide berth to ply my craft.
223
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,201
He is also desperately
in love with my wife.
224
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,926
Rather annoying, really.
225
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,121
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
226
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,726
What?
227
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,802
Inspector Martland, sir.
228
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,809
What does that blighter want?
229
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:05,801
Tell him to ring back
230
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,166
when my marriage isn't falling apart.
231
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,645
No, he's here, sir.
232
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,250
He is?
233
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,641
Oh, all right.
Wheel him in.
234
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,640
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
235
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,481
Don't get up.
236
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,244
I wasn't going to.
237
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,086
Beware the carafe on the top shelf.
238
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,241
It contains water.
239
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,246
Ignoring some of the more
240
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,845
inviting bottles on the drinks tray,
241
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,922
he reached underneath for the big decanter,
242
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,161
and poured himself
243
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:34,006
a gross amount of what
he thought was my Taylor '31.
244
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,327
Score one for Mortdecai,
245
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,602
for I had filled it with an invalid port
246
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,921
of unbelievable nastiness.
247
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,286
Oh, excellent.
248
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,771
Score two.
249
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,683
MARTLAND: Bit of cheese to go with that?
250
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,763
I should think the special one, Jock.
251
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,648
What is that infernal thing on your lip?
252
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,725
Is there a purpose to your presence?
253
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,048
You're in the hole
to Her Majesty's government
254
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,885
to the tune of eight million quid, old boy.
255
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,285
I had no idea I was so deep
in Her Majesty's hole.
256
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,849
(JOCK GRUNTING)
257
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,804
God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
258
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,120
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
259
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,085
(WHIMPERING)
260
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,411
(EXHALES)
261
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,731
That's not natural.
262
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,091
What do you think?
263
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,526
Ugh...
264
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,000
I think this woman has
need of a chiropractor.
265
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,242
Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer.
266
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,367
Did you know her?
267
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:55,726
Slightly.
268
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,171
I do recall a vague memory
of her having once,
269
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,447
involuntarily, one would hope,
270
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,444
releasing a fart
271
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,887
of such frightening power and timbre
272
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,609
that I feared she had done herself
273
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,125
a horrible mischief.
274
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,401
Cheese.
275
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,401
MARTLAND: Mmm, thank you.
276
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,523
Three months ago, a small Spanish museum
277
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,046
sent her a Goya to be cleaned.
278
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,602
Last night she was killed.
Painting has disappeared.
279
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,961
Sad news, particularly for her.
280
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,811
But I don't see what it
has to do with me.
281
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,491
Well, if my men start asking questions,
282
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,329
then the Goya disappears without a trace.
283
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,324
But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well,
284
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,323
you could make some inquiries.
285
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,042
Why would MI5 be interested
286
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,969
in the theft of a middling Goya?
287
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,890
Mmm.
288
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,007
(GROANS)
289
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,401
Emil Strago.
290
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,402
Fundamentalist, revolutionary,
trained in Syria,
291
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,927
fought in Senegal.
An expert in special warfare.
292
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,081
He's linked to a number of
293
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,600
terror attacks all around the world.
294
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,322
All right, he's unpleasant. What of him?
295
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,243
Well, we believe he entered the country
296
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,085
with the purpose of finding that painting.
297
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,242
- Why?
- We don't know why.
298
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,084
But if Strago is involved, well,
299
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,161
suffice it to say,
300
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,760
it's a matter of urgent national security.
301
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,526
And you would like me
to find it before he does?
302
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,771
Precisely.
303
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,371
I've given you a lot of rope
over the years, Charlie.
304
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,681
But now you're dangling off the end of it.
305
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,523
Help me find that painting,
306
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,688
or I'll have the magistrate open that file
307
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,046
and prosecute at random.
308
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,360
MORTDECAI: It was a catalogue
309
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,290
of some of my more unseemly escapades.
310
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,601
The file was fat and well-handled,
311
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,484
like a Welsh barmaid.
312
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,804
It is apparent that you are
well-versed in the stick.
313
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,565
But what of the well-known carrot?
314
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,050
(SOFTLY) What's in it for me, as they say?
315
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,321
Good God, man!
316
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,642
We're talking about a
bloodthirsty extremist
317
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,688
Threatening the lives of your countrymen.
318
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,961
Well, if you won't do it for me,
319
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,405
do it for Queen and Country.
320
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,245
- No!
- (JOCK CLEARS THROAT)
321
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,725
All right, Queen and Country,
322
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,729
travel and living expenses,
reasonable overhead.
323
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:20,241
Ten percent, sir.
324
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,483
And 10 percent of the insurance money
325
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,721
as a finder's fee.
326
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,201
Done.
327
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,926
Oh, and incidentally,
I asked for some cheese,
328
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,771
not an instrument of biological warfare.
329
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,767
MORTDECAI: Score one for Martland.
330
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,766
- Martland...
- God.
331
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,922
...what else can you tell me about Strago?
332
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,604
Well, he's colorblind
and he's allergic to cashews.
333
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,924
Goody. Every subject of the Crown and
334
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,008
every cashew in the Kingdom
shall sleep safely.
335
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,600
Johanna, you look lovely.
336
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,561
Alastair.
337
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,090
Ooh, you do look lovely, darling.
338
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,089
So absolutely lovely.
339
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,885
I thought that was you.
340
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,441
Radiant...
341
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,401
MORTDECAI: Martland
also met Johanna at school.
342
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:07,720
After a three-year courtship,
343
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,285
he finally worked up the courage
344
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,442
to express his feelings to her.
345
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:14,124
In verse.
346
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,930
- Johanna, do you...
- Oh!
347
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,283
MORTDECAI: Rotten timing for him.
348
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,090
- Hello! (CHUCKLES)
- Martland.
349
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,767
Would you mind terribly,
dear boy, the door?
350
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,602
Course, I'll just, uh...
I'll shut the door.
351
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,802
Now, what's all this about a missing Goya?
352
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,801
Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast.
353
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,331
Echo-ey, don't you know?
354
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,640
(CHUCKLES)
355
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,408
Well, that's classified
information, I'm afraid.
356
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,050
You know, state secrets and what have you.
357
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,241
Mmm.
358
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,482
My husband is trying to reclaim his youth
359
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,250
by growing that horrible moustache.
360
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,641
Do inform him that that ship has sailed.
361
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,128
Every Mortdecai man before me has had one.
362
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,322
And I will have you know that some members
363
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,926
of the fairer sex do
find it quite appealing.
364
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,569
Whom exactly?
365
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,765
(SCOFFS)
366
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,321
No one in particular, of course.
367
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,086
Metaphoric woman... Women.
368
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:09,604
Metaphorically... General... You know.
369
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,526
If you are growing that
excrement on your lip
370
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,005
to please another, know this:
371
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,647
I will kill her.
372
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:20,686
Oh, Alastair.
It's so lovely. Do come back.
373
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,365
It's so wonderful to have someone
374
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,602
of reasonable intelligence
to converse with.
375
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,165
I'd be delighted.
376
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,762
Do I detect a slight crack
in the marital armor?
377
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,123
A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.
378
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,368
Oh, really?
Seems like more than a tiff to me.
379
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:36,966
My wife needs to come around
380
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,008
to a certain viewpoint. That is all.
381
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,645
Well, good luck, mate.
382
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,201
See what you can dig up about that Goya.
Usual channels.
383
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,441
We'll meet in London tomorrow.
384
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,561
Of course.
385
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,122
EMIL: I had the painting in my hand.
386
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,009
Someone must have known I was coming.
387
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,889
Milton Krampf?
The American?
388
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,490
Well, it must have been his dealer.
389
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,891
(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)
390
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,929
Krampf's dealer, what is his name?
391
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,530
Mortdecai.
392
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,211
(GRUNTS)
393
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,845
MORTDECAI: Johanna, my darling.
394
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,366
My... My love. My...
395
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,891
My only true love.
My love beast.
396
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,765
My rumpus room rascal. (INHALES)
397
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,690
Ooh, you have no idea
398
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,888
the beast you are about to receive.
399
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,886
Mmm...
400
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,886
Johanna?
401
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,049
Are you all right in there, darling?
402
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,760
It is I, Charlie.
Your husband.
403
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,441
What is it?
404
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,968
Oh, moon of my delight.
This is your own personalized
405
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,442
Sheik of Araby who seeks
admission into your tent.
406
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,447
I have come to carry you off
to the burning desert,
407
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,722
and work my greasy will upon you...
408
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,131
(SQUEAKING)
409
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,645
...under the tropical stars.
410
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,970
Send your camel to bed, damn it!
411
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,641
(SIGHS)
412
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:23,242
My Sheik, does this mean
you have excommunicated
413
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:24,965
that moustache of the Prophet?
414
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,131
I'll trim it.
415
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,651
(SIGHS)
416
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,561
Darling,
417
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,768
I am embarking on a very dangerous escapade
418
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,571
from which I may not well return.
419
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,004
And it is customary in these situations
420
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,485
for, you know,
421
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,167
a proper send-off.
422
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,480
Quick session of congress.
423
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,010
Sink the Bismarck, if you will.
424
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,689
And by the way, did I mention
425
00:20:57,120 --> 00:21:00,010
it is a matter of national security.
426
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,001
Mmm.
427
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,851
It's very difficult for me as well, you know,
428
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,689
this thing that's come between us.
429
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,204
I know, darling.
430
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,521
- Mmm.
- No, no. Steady yourself.
431
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,210
(BOTH GAGGING)
432
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,724
I beg you, darling, please.
433
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,802
You know I have a sympathetic gag reflex.
434
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,367
Oh, God. (SWALLOWS) It's unbearable.
435
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,960
You will get used to it. I promise.
436
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,371
Why should I have to?
437
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,330
I'm invested in it.
438
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,404
Why can't you invest
in saving us from financial ruin?
439
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,562
Or do you want me
to sort it out for you?
440
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,042
Heavens, no.
You needn't worry yourself.
441
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,845
I have things firmly in hand.
442
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,041
Oh...
443
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,091
(BOTH GAGGING)
444
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,161
(JOHANNA GROANS)
445
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,241
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
446
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,765
My love, you are killing me. Please.
447
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,243
It looked like you have
a vagina on your face.
448
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,566
(SIGHS)
449
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,767
(INHALES DEEPLY)
450
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,360
Surely you mean
the pubic hair above a vagina.
451
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,603
I simply cannot get my head
around that image.
452
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,091
Oh, Charlie...
453
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,401
However,
454
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,000
now that you've mentioned it,
455
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,527
I'm unable to steer my mind away from it.
456
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,683
Ugh, go stuff a mattress with that thing!
457
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,450
The moustache, I mean.
458
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:39,520
COMMENTATOR #1: ...Sheamus is able to do
459
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,125
with a steel chair in hand.
460
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,361
COMMENTATOR #2: Here we go.
461
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:43,971
- (WINCES)
- Oh...
462
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,126
Jockie,
463
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,968
What if it isn't just a tiff?
464
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,128
What if this is the
well-known "it," as it were?
465
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:55,805
That'd be awful.
466
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:57,565
WOMAN: Jock?
467
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,131
Are you coming back to bed?
468
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,645
Yeah, give us a minute, love.
469
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,961
Hi.
470
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,487
Hello.
471
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,406
And myself sleeping alone.
472
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,007
How do you think this
makes me feel, man?
473
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,241
I dunno, sir.
474
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,248
Dash it all, I am resolved.
475
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,401
If it is money we need,
476
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:27,925
then it is money we shall have.
477
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,161
WOMAN: Jock?
478
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,285
That's me.
479
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,245
Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls
480
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,324
to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf,
481
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,606
and we will find that painting
if it is the last thing we do.
482
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:43,681
Right-y-oh.
483
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,006
I'll call Spinoza in the morning.
484
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,809
- Yes, do.
- Good night, sir.
485
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,161
Jock?
486
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:49,960
Yes, sir?
487
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,002
Do you think it will be
all right in the end?
488
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:53,851
I couldn't say, sir.
489
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,171
Mmm...
490
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:03,691
(GAGGING)
491
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,326
MORTDECAI: My first stop was
to see Sir Graham Archer,
492
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,490
rival art dealer and Goya specialist.
493
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:19,801
A permanent fixture at
494
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,042
Sedgwick's Auction House in Kensington.
495
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,802
I will meet you at
Spinoza's in one hour.
496
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,211
Right you are, sir.
497
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,166
MORTDECAI: Sir Graham has been
498
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,402
the rudest man in England for years.
499
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,327
Recently, he's been working
his way up to the wickedest.
500
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,041
(YELPS)
501
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,005
(LAUGHS)
502
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,005
Looks like something
curled up and died on your lip.
503
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,929
It's not herpetic, I hope.
504
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,242
Hello, Sir Graham, you old member.
505
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,762
Ooh! Who are you hiding in your belly?
506
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:02,844
I see you've put your Sheridan up
507
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,251
in next week's sale.
508
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,410
Hard times, old boy?
509
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:07,761
No, no, no, no.
510
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,370
Just getting rid of some choice items
511
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,601
while the market's right.
512
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,851
What do you make of
this Bronwen business, eh?
513
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,446
Huh. Ghastly affair.
514
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,046
One always bemoans
the loss of a great restorer.
515
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,044
Old bag.
She should have put locks on her doors.
516
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,124
You used her frequently, didn't you?
517
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:27,965
Not lately.
518
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,122
She's been unavailable for three months.
519
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,803
The Goya she was cleaning.
520
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,809
Rather simple job, wouldn't you say?
521
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,201
Usual dirt and grime
one finds on the Spaniards.
522
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,808
Haven't the foggiest why
it took her so long.
523
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,245
What's your sudden interest, if I may ask?
524
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,407
A client with a mild curiosity, that's all.
525
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:52,641
Oh.
526
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:54,566
Mmm...
527
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:59,487
We must go shooting again.
Jock has fully recovered.
528
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,320
Ooh.
529
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,170
There's only one reason
530
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,409
you might be interested
in a museum-owned Goya,
531
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,485
and that's because there's money involved.
532
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,844
You are mistaken, sir.
533
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,250
There's a great deal of money involved.
534
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:23,931
(LAUGHING)
535
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,524
I've always admired your rapacity, sir.
536
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,687
I say, Sir Graham, I wonder,
537
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,531
your, mmm, protrusion...
538
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,762
Might it be
possible to swing the old fellow north,
539
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:41,966
as it were?
540
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,371
(INHALES SHARPLY)
541
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:47,691
Who's the client?
542
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,603
Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy.
543
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:53,521
(EXHALES)
544
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,290
Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs
545
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:58,125
will do some good. Yes.
546
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,651
So it's that sort of Goya.
547
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,041
ON PHONE: Romanov.
548
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,161
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
549
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,566
That painted lady you've
been searching for,
550
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,405
I believe she may be in play.
551
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:17,565
I want that painting.
552
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:26,401
MARTLAND: Johanna!
553
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,006
Alastair.
554
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,005
So glad you called.
555
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,370
I've asked for a Chardonnay.
That is your drink, isn't it?
556
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,410
- Oh, you remembered.
- Mmm.
557
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,403
Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)
558
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,488
Oh, God. How thoughtless of me.
559
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:42,846
You're on duty.
560
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,766
And in charge, thank you very much.
561
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,321
Mmm.
562
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,243
To what do I owe the pleasure?
563
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,681
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd pop 'round,
564
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,161
and see how
you secret agent men run the world.
565
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,163
(CHUCKLES) Not nearly.
566
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,686
Although it is terribly vital work.
567
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,730
It's not all chardonnay
and afternoon trysts.
568
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,441
Is this a tryst?
569
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,286
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
570
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,602
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
571
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,127
- No, I was just, um...
- Of course you were.
572
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,121
How are things at home?
573
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,805
(INHALES)
574
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,723
You've touched a nerve.
575
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,370
You've sensed it, Alastair.
576
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,124
You always were the sensitive one.
577
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,602
- You've got a difficult chap.
- Beastly.
578
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,046
Bit of a moron, actually.
579
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:33,083
Maybe I should have an affair. (CHUCKLES)
580
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,443
- Wouldn't that be funny?
- Hilarious.
581
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,485
Do you think I could keep it a secret?
582
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,722
- Yes!
- Well then, what's the point?
583
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:41,969
Now, tell me, what are you and my husband
584
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:43,326
working on at the moment?
585
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,809
Oh, uh... Well, in vague terms
586
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,680
there's a very bad man
who wants what I want,
587
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:49,721
and I'm trying to stop him.
588
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,086
And what does a missing Goya
589
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,481
have to do with national security?
590
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,081
In vague terms.
591
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:57,490
- Johanna...
- (GASPS)
592
00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:00,325
You think poor
Miss Fellworthy stumbled into something,
593
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,010
and that's why she got killed.
594
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,925
I really can't say.
595
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,163
Oh, this is interesting.
596
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,200
Creates quite a market when a painting
597
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,089
with a little mystery goes missing.
598
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:11,321
So much to do.
599
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,641
What was the name of
Bronwen's college at Oxford?
600
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,525
Johanna, I simply can't.
601
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,170
Right. Sorry.
602
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,445
Oh, golly. Look at the time.
I really must be going.
603
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,601
Oh.
604
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,920
It was lovely to see you, Alastair.
605
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,446
Thank you ever-so-much
for letting me confide in you.
606
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,002
I feel that I could
share anything with you.
607
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:36,606
Don't you feel the same?
That you could share with me?
608
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:39,291
Bronwen's college?
609
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:40,761
You're rather monstrous.
610
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:42,120
Of course you're aware of that.
611
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:45,046
- Blackfriar's Hall.
- We must do this again.
612
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,006
(SIGHS)
613
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:48,521
Hopeless.
614
00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,482
MORTDECAI: Besides being
the finest garage man
615
00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:58,891
in Western Civilization,
616
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,802
Spinoza was the best
art smuggler in the business,
617
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:07,886
and the eyes and ears
of the art world's underbelly.
618
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,885
Ah! Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!
619
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:14,689
It's a fine day to be alive, what?
620
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,008
You bloody chicken, bloody monkey,
621
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,526
so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit?
622
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,564
Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag.
623
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:24,331
What's the matter with you, eh?
624
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,404
You one book short of a library,
you maggot? Eh?
625
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,005
You one megabyte short of a RAM?
626
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:30,241
MORTDECAI: The rest was a bit rude,
627
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:31,520
so I won't quote him verbatim.
628
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,170
But what vexed him so
629
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,402
was a matter of some
overdue bills on the Rolls,
630
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,522
which I had now asked him to package
631
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,046
and ship off to America on credit.
632
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,081
You mother-loving bastard! Hello.
633
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,521
Right.
634
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,841
Uh, Spinoza, I did not come here to discuss
635
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,843
my relationship with my mother, uh,
636
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:50,729
nor my relationship to your mother.
637
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,362
Uh, no. We have two items of business.
638
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,602
Item one: The Rolls-Royce,
639
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,848
which I have reluctantly agreed to sell
640
00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,685
to that thick-fingered American, Krampf.
641
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:05,286
Item the second: I need to ascertain
642
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,609
whether any unsavory
types have enlisted you
643
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,246
to smuggle a painting
out of the country recently.
644
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:16,123
And for your information, I am holding up
645
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,087
a 50-pound note.
646
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:22,565
Never mind about that.
647
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,723
You should treat a jam jar car like this
648
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:27,485
with more respect when you drive it
649
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:29,244
down the frog and toad road.
650
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,721
It's not some Toyota Clitoris.
651
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,121
- No, no.
- No!
652
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:35,925
Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver,
653
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,726
the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!
654
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,411
Someone shooting at the bloody car!
655
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,005
- Ooh.
- (GROANS)
656
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,570
- (SCREAMS)
- Someone shooting at me!
657
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:46,005
(GUNFIRE)
658
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,121
(GROANS)
659
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:48,241
(MORTDECAI EXCLAIMS)
660
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:55,966
MORTDECAI: I'm armed!
661
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,007
(MAN GROANS)
662
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:05,684
- Oh, Jock!
- Yeah.
663
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:06,841
Oops.
664
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,769
I should probably mention
665
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,161
that this was not
the first time I had shot Jock.
666
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,369
Come on, you little bastards.
Come out and get it.
667
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:17,724
(SCREAMS)
(GUNSHOTS)
668
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:19,207
Oh!
669
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:22,681
(SQUAWKING)
670
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:28,161
Oh, afraid I'm all thumbs
with these damn things!
671
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,091
- Ohh!
- (THUDS)
672
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:31,207
Oh.
673
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:32,810
I believe I've just shot Jock.
674
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:34,041
Quite.
675
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,007
Man down! Man down!
676
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:38,645
Could you give me the gun, please?
677
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:39,801
This bit?
678
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,723
- Yes, most... No, no.
- (GRUNTS)
679
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,806
Oh, and poor Spinoza...
680
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:46,883
You should go, sir, before
the shooter circles 'round.
681
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:48,200
I'll handle things on this end.
682
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:49,521
Quite.
683
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:51,565
Cover me, as it were?
684
00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:52,887
Yes, sir.
685
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:56,724
That's the old feudal spirit, Jock.
686
00:32:56,880 --> 00:32:58,041
Get in.
687
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,210
- (GUNFIRE)
- MORTDECAI: Oh, dear!
688
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,040
(SCREAMS) Oh!
689
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:04,241
(SIGHS)
690
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:05,567
Oh, Jock.
691
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,091
- Jock?
- Yeah?
692
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,531
The door? Please?
693
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,686
(SIGHS) Right. Gosh, it's been ages.
694
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:16,921
(ENGINE STARTS)
695
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:22,321
(TIRES SCREECHING)
696
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,606
(SCREAMING)
697
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:27,605
(GRUMBLING IN ANNOYANCE)
698
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,526
(JOCK MOANING)
699
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:34,366
Goodness, that's awkward.
700
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:35,680
It's all right, sir.
It's all right.
701
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,841
It's just a cracked rib.
702
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:39,361
Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind
703
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:40,640
leaving out the back. On foot.
704
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:42,125
(STAMMERING) By myself?
705
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:43,287
Please, sir. Just leave.
706
00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:44,521
(CONTINUES GRUMBLING)
707
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,127
(GUN CLICKING)
708
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,126
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear...
709
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:52,446
Oh!
710
00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:53,961
Give me the painting.
711
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,042
(STAMMERING) What makes
you think I have it?
712
00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:57,725
Give me the painting!
713
00:33:58,040 --> 00:33:59,201
Ooh...
714
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,521
That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn,
715
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:02,766
I must say.
716
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,724
I was admiring your Franz Joseph.
717
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:05,801
Oh, thank you very much.
718
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,043
- Oh!
- I'll have it on my wall.
719
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:09,281
Jock?
720
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:10,880
(GROANS)
721
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:12,320
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
722
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,124
- Oh, well done.
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
723
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,241
What should I do now?
724
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:18,771
- Run, sir!
- Again?
725
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:20,450
- Yes!
- Oh...
726
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,006
Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle!
727
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,725
The Mortdecai men have always
728
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,723
been in tip-top shape, don't you know?
729
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:31,446
Fit as a fiddle!
730
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,006
(YELLING)
731
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:38,686
(SCREAMING)
732
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,962
(PANTING) Oh, it's burning...
I... I can't go on...
733
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:51,680
(GROANING)
734
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:53,321
Want to die...
735
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:55,286
No, I don't.
736
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,126
(SCREAMING)
737
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,361
Sir!
738
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:02,850
I'm on the bonnet!
739
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:04,924
Get in the car, sir!
740
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:07,041
(GRUNTING)
741
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:10,045
I don't like it!
742
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,211
(TIRES SCREECHING)
743
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:14,441
(SCREAMING)
744
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:15,681
Oh!
745
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:17,646
Ah! Oh!
746
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:19,041
Oh! Hello!
747
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:20,886
(GROANING)
748
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:23,961
(TIRES SCREECHING)
749
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,642
Jockie! Advise?
750
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:32,849
- Get in the back seat, sir!
- Okay!
751
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,205
Whoa.
752
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:41,561
Ha! Foreigner!
753
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:43,686
(YELPS) No!
754
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:45,405
Out you go!
755
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:49,481
(HORN HONKING)
756
00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:54,926
(BOTH GROANING)
757
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,246
- Oh, Jock!
- Oh.
758
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,401
Don't worry, sir.
I'm all right.
759
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:58,481
I am all right.
760
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:01,006
No, no, man!
My little sproutling.
761
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,089
- What?
- Has it been compromised?
762
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:07,681
(SIREN WAILS)
763
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:16,684
MORTDECAI: Well done, Jock.
764
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:18,166
JOCK: It's a privilege, sir.
765
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,360
Didn't take long for you
to make a mess of things.
766
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,886
Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder!
767
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,447
Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man
768
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,204
and physically assaulted my person.
769
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,607
He seems to think that I have the painting.
770
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:30,841
What have you found?
771
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:32,206
Well, I will tell you that
772
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:34,442
there is more here than meets the eye.
773
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:36,688
No painting takes three months to clean,
774
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,205
so I believe that Bronwen
775
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,805
was working on the Goya
776
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:41,882
and discovered something underneath.
777
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:42,961
(SIRENS WAILING)
778
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:44,445
I should like to see her
studio immediately.
779
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,210
In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford.
780
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:47,361
Yes, sir.
781
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:57,961
GARDENER: I've been
helpin' out Miss Fellworthy
782
00:36:58,080 --> 00:36:59,491
goin' on five years now.
783
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:02,084
Just keepin' the place tidy and whatnot.
784
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:06,046
You have been grossly overcompensated.
785
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:07,441
Her lover was no help.
786
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:09,530
Lover? Bronwen?
787
00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:10,926
Yeah, a Duke.
788
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,168
No help whatsoever, randy bugger.
789
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:20,087
"Love... your... Bunny."
790
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,361
Love your Bunny?
791
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:23,807
(EXCLAIMS)
792
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:25,803
A child!
She spawned a child!
793
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:28,121
The woman bred!
What an odious thought.
794
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:29,201
Ugh.
795
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,209
- Mmm.
- Don't imbibe the crime scene.
796
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,801
I found her here, sprawled over the table,
797
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:35,166
with an arrow out of her back.
798
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:36,441
Course you did, man,
799
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:37,601
because the assailant fired from here.
800
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:39,723
- No, from the window.
- With a spear gun.
801
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:41,888
- With a crossbow.
- He was left-handed.
802
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:43,923
- Jesus Christ.
- Ha!
803
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:46,564
- Is this how she was found?
- (GROANS)
804
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,369
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no. To the left a bit.
805
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,602
- Like this?
- Sorry, I meant to the right.
806
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,444
- Like this? Like this?
- (GROANS)
807
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:54,842
Are you quite finished buggering around?
808
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:56,845
- No.
- (MAURICE WHIMPERS)
809
00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:01,331
Because I have a question for you, old bean.
810
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,326
Will I be given a badge,
nestled in some sort of
811
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,603
cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly?
812
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,769
- Maurice?
- Sir?
813
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:11,683
Show him the photographs. Excuse me.
814
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,884
These were found in her camera.
815
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:17,322
Yeah, like I told the lady earlier today,
816
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:18,726
Miss Bronwen would take photos
817
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,564
of each stage of her work, bless her.
818
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:22,087
Which lady?
819
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:26,447
Well, the lady with the hair and brain.
820
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:30,846
I may have (CLEARS THROAT)
mentioned Bronwen
821
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:32,206
to Johanna at lunch today.
822
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,489
You were luncheoning with my wife?
823
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:39,041
Let's look at the photographs.
824
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:40,610
Yes, let's look at the photographs.
825
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:43,040
Horrible composition.
826
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:46,369
Lighting positively medieval.
827
00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:49,562
This one taken by accident,
utterly useless...
828
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:50,920
Ooh...
829
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,161
Hang on a tic.
830
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,401
That is not your Goya.
831
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,200
What do you mean?
832
00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:00,409
That is not the same
painting as the others.
833
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:03,727
Where have I seen that hand
before in the background?
834
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,721
Finger pointing down. Ring.
835
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:09,766
(GASPS) Good Lord!
It couldn't be!
836
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:11,446
Couldn't be what?
837
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:13,730
To the library, chaps!
838
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:17,201
Ah!
839
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:19,966
There has never been
840
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,008
an accurate reproduction because
841
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:25,010
it vanished after the unveiling, but
842
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:27,242
I do remember that there was an etching
843
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:28,810
or some such hint of...
844
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:30,684
Ah, there it is.
845
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:33,325
The Duchess of Wellington.
846
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:37,324
Bronwen has found the lost Goya.
847
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:40,849
Goya was commissioned
by Charles IV of Spain
848
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,809
to paint her in 1792.
849
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:47,008
Uh, she was said to be
his greatest masterpiece.
850
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:48,886
Unfortunately,
851
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:53,361
she was also
said to have been the King's mistress.
852
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,329
The Queen was unamused.
853
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:59,809
Humiliated, she ordered
the painting to be burned.
854
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,441
But instead it was stolen
and secreted away.
855
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:03,681
(HORSE NEIGHING)
856
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:07,446
Some say that Goya himself
engineered the theft.
857
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:14,202
For 200 years, the painting
was sought by collectors,
858
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:15,925
craved by the mighty,
859
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,128
and became the stuff of legend.
860
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:19,771
And is the legend true?
861
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,246
Does it matter?
862
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:24,164
The truth is nice,
but a rumor is priceless.
863
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,562
What does Strago want with it?
864
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:28,160
If it does exist, it belongs to Spain.
865
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:29,320
If anyone tried to sell it,
866
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:30,361
they'd be arrested on the spot.
867
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:31,965
Yes, well, that is where the story
868
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:33,246
gets interesting, you see.
869
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:38,648
The Duchess pops up again
in France in 1943,
870
00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:41,488
looted from some sealed room
871
00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:44,370
in an unpronounceable
chateau by the jerrys.
872
00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,888
Hermann Goering was said to have been
873
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,041
obsessed with the painting,
874
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,524
and there are rumors
that he inscribed on it
875
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:55,771
the codes to his numbered
Swiss bank account.
876
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:59,443
Untold riches and all that, what?
877
00:40:59,920 --> 00:41:00,967
But
878
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,765
when the allies captured Goering...
879
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,287
Out of the way, out of the way.
880
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:10,440
...there was no mention of the painting.
881
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,364
It had vanished once again into history,
882
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,446
and the secret bank accounts along with it.
883
00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:19,806
What are we talking about here?
884
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,644
Hundreds and hundreds of millions,
885
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:22,801
surrounded by all that
886
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:25,964
Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines.
887
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:27,605
Well, that's what Emil's after.
888
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:28,847
The fine wine?
889
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,685
No, the fortune to fund
violent worldwide revolution.
890
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:32,801
Right!
891
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,644
Multiple attacks over the years to come,
892
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:36,000
countless lives are at stake.
893
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,043
That painting should be destroyed.
894
00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:41,647
Yeah. Fingers crossed,
chaps, you find it first.
895
00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:42,767
I'm off for a wee.
896
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:47,881
Ah...
897
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,481
- (UNZIPS)
- Mmm...
898
00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:50,800
(HUMMING)
899
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,049
Mmm... (URINATING)
900
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:55,851
(EXHALES)
901
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,080
(SIGHS)
902
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,560
(CHUCKLES)
903
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,961
I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man.
904
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:11,921
However, I myself do not swing that...
905
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,202
Oh, Golly! I have read about this.
906
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:16,361
Ohh.
907
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:20,964
I sunk into an uneasy slumber,
908
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,810
interspersed curiously with erotic dreams.
909
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:04,928
Lady Mortdecai, the Duke is expecting you.
910
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:06,921
This way.
911
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:12,610
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
912
00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:16,846
Her Lady Mortdecai to see you, Your Grace.
913
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:19,325
The Duke of Asherboroughdon.
914
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,607
Your Grace. So kind of you to see me.
915
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,406
Lady Mortdecai.
916
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:26,686
(LAUGHING)
917
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,967
You'll forgive me just a moment, I'm sure?
918
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:32,691
- Of course.
- (LAUGHING)
919
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:39,730
Lady Mortdecai.
920
00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:43,361
Johnson!
921
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:47,331
Who is this woman Mortdecai
and what does she want? Hmm?
922
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:49,130
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
923
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:50,326
Why wasn't I told?
924
00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:53,242
She's so damned attractive.
925
00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:55,571
(STAMMERING) Hello? Hello?
926
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:57,330
Oh...
927
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:02,841
Water bailiff.
928
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:05,804
Had to speak to the water bailiff
929
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,484
about my water.
930
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:12,690
Fishing tomorrow, you know. Hate it. Sit.
931
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:14,925
Bloody nuisance.
932
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:17,286
(GRUNTS)
933
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:18,407
Your Grace,
934
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,245
I understand you were close
with Bronwen Fellworthy.
935
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,965
- Yes.
- I'm very sorry.
936
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:24,087
(SCOFFS)
937
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:25,764
Her gardener gave me your name,
938
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:27,968
and I wondered...
939
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:29,969
The painting she was
working on in the end...
940
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:31,610
(PHONE RINGING)
941
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:32,727
What?
942
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:35,604
No, I can't understand a word she says.
943
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,570
I've been trying to get rid of her,
944
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,404
but she's so damned attractive.
945
00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:41,566
Sorry. You were saying?
946
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:43,524
You served in the War then, Your Grace?
947
00:44:43,720 --> 00:44:44,767
Poor old gal.
948
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:49,763
Done to death with malice
aforethought and so forth.
949
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:51,241
Poor Bronwen.
950
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,284
The painting, Your Grace.
951
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:59,243
Did she ever mention
The Duchess of Wellington?
952
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,124
Oh. Beautiful woman.
953
00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:02,361
Bronwen?
954
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:04,131
Must to the lavatory.
955
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:09,004
Would you care to come
and take a peek at it, eh?
956
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:10,924
(CLICKS TONGUE)
957
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:13,888
An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,
958
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:15,485
but I'm afraid I must decline.
959
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,290
Let's get back to the Duchess.
960
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:19,648
- Bunny has it.
- I beg your pardon?
961
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:22,081
During the War.
Nazi bastards.
962
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:25,449
Bunny rolled it up
in a carpet and didn't tell a soul.
963
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,005
Bunny is a soldier in your unit?
964
00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:29,288
7th Army, 2nd Division.
965
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:32,484
Captured Goering.
First man in the room.
966
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:34,762
Do you think that Bunny
still has the painting now?
967
00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:37,361
Must to the W.C.
968
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,082
Do have a look, eh? (CLICKS TONGUE)
969
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:43,523
I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace.
970
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:46,410
Thank you very much for your time.
971
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:50,007
And you are?
972
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:52,689
The water bailiff, Your Grace.
973
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:54,929
Fishing tomorrow's been canceled.
974
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,647
Thank heaven.
975
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:01,526
(SNORING)
976
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,045
(MUMBLING)
977
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:06,851
Oh...
978
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,167
What's that?
Funny. Ah!
979
00:46:16,720 --> 00:46:17,926
Hmm?
980
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,725
Oh...
981
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:20,961
Mmm?
982
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,285
Ah...
983
00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:26,287
Oh!
984
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:30,170
Right. I demand some explanations.
985
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:33,929
No, no. Change that.
I need a restorative.
986
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,320
How 'bout some finger sandwiches?
987
00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:38,564
Just the usual, you know.
Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise,
988
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:42,004
possibly a gallon of your finest whiskey
989
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,320
just to start the day properly.
990
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:45,044
You know how it is, gentlemen.
991
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:47,761
Oh, I see.
992
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:53,240
Actually, make that caviar.
993
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:56,447
Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche,
994
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:57,646
boiled egg whites,
995
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:01,322
and vodka so ice cold
you need gloves to handle it.
996
00:47:01,720 --> 00:47:04,644
Oh! Oh! And don't forget
the herringbone spoon.
997
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:06,803
We're not savages, after all, are we?
998
00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:09,847
Ooh!
999
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,764
Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai.
1000
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:14,240
MORTDECAI: And you are?
1001
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:15,886
Roman Romanov.
1002
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,890
Romanov. Sir Graham's client.
1003
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,561
So I have him to thank for this.
1004
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,322
Oh, that's unpleasant. Mmm...
1005
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:27,641
Where's the Goya?
1006
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,808
- I don't know.
- But you know about art.
1007
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,007
A bit.
1008
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:33,571
You have a Turner of the Loire,
1009
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:34,766
which cannot be right
1010
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:36,680
because the original
is hanging in the D'Orsay.
1011
00:47:36,720 --> 00:47:37,767
Terribly sorry.
1012
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:41,005
A magnificent Callow of about 1840,
1013
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:44,087
a polychrome James Bourne, rare,
1014
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,241
a pair of rather flashy Varleys
1015
00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:48,446
from his last period,
1016
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,691
and the finest Edridge I have ever seen.
1017
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:55,051
(CHUCKLES) Yes. Where is the Goya?
1018
00:47:55,520 --> 00:47:57,841
Well, where is the last place you saw it?
1019
00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:59,240
Have you looked under your couch?
1020
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:00,765
Yeah, because when I've lost something,
1021
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:03,446
sometimes I say to myself,
"Charlie, where could it be?"
1022
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:08,483
Oh, God! That wasn't nice!
1023
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:11,283
Oh, no! No.
1024
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:12,891
For 17 years,
1025
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:14,644
I pursued this painting.
You know why?
1026
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,127
Because I want, I will have.
1027
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:22,411
This will be easier and much less painful
1028
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:23,720
if you please to tell me.
1029
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:25,721
Where is the painting?
1030
00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:27,605
But why does everyone seem to think...
1031
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:29,011
(SCREAMING)
1032
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:31,287
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1033
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:33,169
Oh! You pretended to be gentle,
1034
00:48:33,240 --> 00:48:35,129
but you weren't! Oh!
1035
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,841
Milton Krampf tells everyone
he is getting painting.
1036
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,849
You're his dealer, so you have painting!
1037
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,966
I am very sorry.
I simply don't know.
1038
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:45,322
Dmitri, please to fetch 12-volt
1039
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:47,169
high-tension car battery.
1040
00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:51,644
I am afraid you are
barking up the wrong Englishman, comrade.
1041
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,571
Vladimir, please to take
Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down.
1042
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:56,401
(YELPS)
1043
00:48:57,880 --> 00:48:59,240
Perhaps we can work something out.
1044
00:48:59,760 --> 00:49:03,765
What if I find it for you?
Say, 30% finder's fee, what?
1045
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:05,651
Open your balls.
1046
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:12,129
I shan't!
What does that even mean?
1047
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:15,881
I'll go to 20%.
1048
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:18,601
Balls.
1049
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:19,807
(WHIMPERING)
1050
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:21,689
10% seems exploitive!
1051
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:22,886
Oh! Oh!
1052
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:24,201
(UNZIPS)
1053
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,085
That's not cricket!
1054
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:29,607
(GRUNTING)
1055
00:49:29,720 --> 00:49:30,801
(RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
1056
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:32,201
Oh, Jock...
1057
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:34,884
(MORTDECAI MUMBLING)
1058
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:36,526
(LAUGHING)
1059
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:38,046
Jump!
1060
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:40,282
Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock.
1061
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:43,051
It's my manservant.
1062
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:44,167
It appears he's requesting
1063
00:49:44,240 --> 00:49:45,765
my immediate self-defenestration.
1064
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:48,929
(RUSSIAN MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
1065
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:50,961
(GASPS)
1066
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,367
Balls!
1067
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:55,246
Forgive me, Vladimir.
1068
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:58,000
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1069
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:00,681
No balls.
1070
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:02,161
(GROANS)
1071
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:05,525
(GROANING)
1072
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:07,085
Thank you so much, Vladimir.
1073
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:09,851
Oh, I see...
1074
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:11,726
(GRUNTING)
1075
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:14,770
Hello! I'm outside.
1076
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:15,841
Come on, sir.
1077
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:17,843
I wish to use your telephone!
1078
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:18,921
Head toward the bike.
1079
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,844
Oh, I love motorcycles.
They're very fast.
1080
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:23,649
- Sir? Sir?
- Mmm? What, Jock?
1081
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:25,001
Your trousers.
1082
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:26,241
- It's a little unseemly.
- The trousers...
1083
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:28,488
Jock, you know, it's entirely possible
1084
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:29,721
that I've bumped my head...
1085
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:30,801
You think?
1086
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:34,129
Have you heard
the expression, "Open your balls"?
1087
00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:35,321
No, sir.
1088
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,004
It made me feel dirty.
1089
00:50:41,720 --> 00:50:42,721
(SHOUTS)
1090
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:44,526
JOCK: Hang on, sir!
1091
00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:53,926
Bloody good show, Jock!
1092
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,445
You really are a cut above!
1093
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:59,924
Where would you like to go, sir?
1094
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:02,766
The only safe ground is English soil.
1095
00:51:03,680 --> 00:51:05,330
To the Embassy, chop-chop.
1096
00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,324
- Oh!
- Jock?
1097
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:09,007
(MORTDECAI YELPING)
1098
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:10,320
JOCK: Keep your head down, sir!
1099
00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:15,080
- Hang on, sir!
- MORTDECAI: Okay!
1100
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:16,121
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1101
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:17,201
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?
1102
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:19,244
Will it be all right in the end?
1103
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:20,521
I couldn't say, sir!
1104
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:22,561
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1105
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,040
No, not the stairs!
1106
00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:33,251
(MORTDECAI SCREAMING)
1107
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:35,761
Oh!
1108
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:39,530
A bit of noise, sir!
1109
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:42,040
- MORTDECAI: Ahh!
- JOCK: There we go!
1110
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:43,721
Ahh.
1111
00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:45,360
(YELPS)
1112
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,808
Oh, it was dashed exhilarating.
1113
00:51:57,960 --> 00:51:59,724
- (CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)
- Where to, sir?
1114
00:51:59,840 --> 00:52:01,842
Well, it was long ago,
and she was underage,
1115
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:03,763
but I do believe the embassy is that way.
1116
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:05,450
- Right you are, sir.
- Right.
1117
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,130
- Jockie?
- Yes, sir?
1118
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:09,800
"Open your balls"?
1119
00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:11,047
I have no idea.
1120
00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:14,483
Is it that you actually know
and don't want to tell me?
1121
00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:16,201
Yes, sir.
1122
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:19,687
- MARTLAND: Yes?
- They've got him.
1123
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:21,330
Ambassador's residence in Moscow.
1124
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:22,731
They're putting him on
the next flight to Heathrow.
1125
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:23,801
Thank you.
1126
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:25,962
Oh, and his wife is on
line six for you, sir.
1127
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:27,201
Thank you!
1128
00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:30,361
Thank you, Maurice.
1129
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:33,161
Maurice?
1130
00:52:34,240 --> 00:52:35,401
Shut the door.
1131
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:37,206
Yes, sir.
1132
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:41,560
Hello, Johanna.
We've found him.
1133
00:52:41,600 --> 00:52:42,806
He's on his way home.
1134
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:44,809
(SIGHS) Thank heavens.
1135
00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:47,451
This place is an absolute
mausoleum on one's own.
1136
00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:48,801
Do you feel unsafe?
1137
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:50,006
A bit.
1138
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:52,083
I could park outside for the night.
1139
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,563
Oh, I couldn't ask.
But how about tomorrow?
1140
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,127
Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00?
1141
00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,801
You, me, and Charlie?
1142
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:02,286
Well, of course, Alastair.
1143
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:04,601
Wouldn't do, the two of us
here alone, would it?
1144
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:07,121
No, I suppose not.
1145
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:11,560
Still, if he can't make it,
he can't make it.
1146
00:53:12,240 --> 00:53:13,321
May I bring anything?
1147
00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:15,600
Perhaps there is something you could bring.
1148
00:53:15,840 --> 00:53:17,126
A bottle of Chardonnay?
1149
00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:18,845
A complete regimental listing of
1150
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:21,924
the British 7th Army,
2nd Division, June of 1945.
1151
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:25,000
Very well, Johanna.
1152
00:53:25,080 --> 00:53:26,684
- 'Til tomorrow. Ta!
- (HANGS UP)
1153
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:33,011
Well, maybe he won't be able to make it.
1154
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:49,686
Uppy. uppy, Jock!
1155
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:50,961
You are uppy, sir.
1156
00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:52,889
Am I? Where are we?
1157
00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:56,328
You should see the other fellow.
1158
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:58,011
(LAUGHING)
1159
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:00,882
The fact that you're as drunk
as a fiddler's bitch
1160
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:02,246
in no way obviates the fact
1161
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,966
that you very nearly caused
an international incident.
1162
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:07,768
A man your age has no excuse
1163
00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:09,490
for looking or behaving like
1164
00:54:09,720 --> 00:54:10,801
a fugitive from a home
1165
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,406
for alcoholic music hall artistes.
1166
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:16,886
I will have you know that
I am not an alcoholic.
1167
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:18,411
I am a drunk,
1168
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:20,050
and there is a vast difference.
1169
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:21,841
In my defense,
1170
00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:23,888
I was not drinking until the plane.
1171
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:26,242
- And in the car, sir.
- And a bit in the car.
1172
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:27,771
And the Ambassador's residence.
1173
00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:31,123
(STAMMERING) Ah!
And at the Ambassador's residence.
1174
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,165
The only advice I offer
is you do not apply
1175
00:54:34,240 --> 00:54:35,924
to another of our embassies for help
1176
00:54:36,160 --> 00:54:38,561
if and when you outrage the laws
1177
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:40,563
of the United States, once you are there.
1178
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:42,569
Stop! Stop!
1179
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:46,011
Are you suggesting that
I go to the Colonies?
1180
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:49,211
Perish the vile thought.
I couldn't possibly.
1181
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:51,528
The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf
1182
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,324
will offer you a perfect cover.
1183
00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:55,409
Find out if he's got that painting.
1184
00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:57,251
Get behind the gates of his estate
1185
00:54:57,320 --> 00:54:58,526
and poke around a bit.
1186
00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:00,610
The car has been loaded upon
1187
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,444
a cargo flight to Los Angeles,
1188
00:55:02,640 --> 00:55:04,051
and is halfway across the Atlantic.
1189
00:55:04,120 --> 00:55:05,963
You will follow.
1190
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:08,527
California? Oh, icky!
1191
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:10,530
Your bags have been packed and checked,
1192
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:12,887
and your flight leaves... Ah, now.
(CHUCKLES)
1193
00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:14,485
JOCK: On your feet, soldier.
1194
00:55:16,520 --> 00:55:17,681
Hang on to me.
1195
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:21,648
I should like to ring my wife because
1196
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:23,722
she's probably quite worried about me.
1197
00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:25,724
Oh, don't worry about her.
1198
00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:27,251
I've been keeping her filled in.
1199
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:32,488
I say, old bean!
1200
00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:34,484
Go to America and see Krampf.
1201
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:36,524
Do what it takes to bring
the painting back,
1202
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:39,126
and leave Johanna to me.
1203
00:55:53,720 --> 00:55:55,722
Jock? (WHISPERING) Come here.
1204
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,444
I'm frightened.
Do you think that Johanna is
1205
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:02,120
thawing on the subject of the moustache?
1206
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:03,441
Uh...
1207
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:07,360
(CLEARS THROAT)
1208
00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:09,361
WOMAN: Hi.
1209
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:10,771
Hello.
1210
00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:14,930
Sorry, there was a queue.
1211
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:16,121
(BABY COOING)
1212
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:18,290
(WOMAN SIGHING)
1213
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:20,724
Good God, man!
1214
00:56:21,880 --> 00:56:22,961
Jockie!
1215
00:56:23,240 --> 00:56:27,450
Focus, man!
There are but five days to insolvency.
1216
00:56:27,640 --> 00:56:30,120
- Two, sir.
- No, today's, what, Monday?
1217
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,561
Thursday, sir.
1218
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:33,927
Ah, well done. Carry on.
1219
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:07,969
Oh... (LAUGHS)
1220
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:12,126
Ah, Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock.
1221
00:57:12,520 --> 00:57:15,205
Behold this America, this new colossus,
1222
00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:17,209
this fair land of the free!
1223
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,601
What kind of hell-place is this?
1224
00:57:21,040 --> 00:57:22,041
Ooh!
1225
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:24,282
I feel as though we've made a wrong turn
1226
00:57:24,360 --> 00:57:26,488
and arrived on the set
of a pornographic film.
1227
00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:28,603
Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived
1228
00:57:28,680 --> 00:57:30,284
on the set of a pornographic film?
1229
00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:32,881
Checking in?
1230
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:36,649
I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale.
1231
00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:39,289
I should like to request a bucket of ice,
1232
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:42,125
"Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer.
1233
00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:45,528
- Checking in?
- Yeah, we're checking in.
1234
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:49,565
I suspect I may need to redecorate.
1235
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:52,008
Room 326, overlooks the pool.
1236
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:56,043
So all I must do is show up,
1237
00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:57,680
and I'm presented with a credit card.
1238
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,087
No wonder your country's in financial ruin.
1239
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:03,245
Do you need help with your bags?
1240
00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:06,008
No, I do not need help with my bags.
1241
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:07,525
I have a fucking manservant.
1242
00:58:09,200 --> 00:58:10,486
Strange country.
1243
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:15,921
Ow!
1244
00:58:21,720 --> 00:58:22,881
Hello.
1245
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,206
MAN: Hold it.
1246
00:58:32,680 --> 00:58:33,761
Thanks.
1247
00:58:36,560 --> 00:58:37,721
Hey.
1248
00:58:38,280 --> 00:58:39,281
Hello...
1249
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:42,843
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)
1250
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:45,441
(GROANS)
1251
00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:49,281
Ahh!
1252
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:51,400
(WOMAN MOANING)
(MAN GRUNTING)
1253
00:58:51,920 --> 00:58:53,126
(GROANING)
1254
00:58:54,560 --> 00:58:55,891
(PANTING)
1255
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:58,611
It's like listening to bloody orangutans!
1256
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:01,886
Oh, really, why? Why?
1257
00:59:05,640 --> 00:59:07,130
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
1258
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:09,970
Hello, American?
1259
00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,482
The rooms here are made of cement.
1260
00:59:12,560 --> 00:59:14,210
Very good in case of an air raid.
1261
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:16,160
But for those of us
trying to get a bit of rest
1262
00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:17,725
after an arduous crossing,
1263
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,484
a bit of an acoustic nightmare.
1264
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,325
So would you please stop
grunting like wildebeests
1265
00:59:22,480 --> 00:59:25,324
and allow me to get some sleep, man?
Please! Please!
1266
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,440
JOCK: (ON PHONE) Sony, sir.
We'll try and keep it down.
1267
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:31,804
Good God, Jock!
Put that thing away, man!
1268
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:33,485
(GRUMBLING)
(SLAMS PHONE)
1269
00:59:38,280 --> 00:59:39,486
(RINGING)
1270
00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:43,681
Hello?
1271
00:59:43,800 --> 00:59:47,964
Oh, apple of my eye.
The love of my life.
1272
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:51,244
Everything here makes me think of you.
1273
00:59:51,480 --> 00:59:52,606
Who is this?
1274
00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:57,286
It is I, your beloved. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
1275
00:59:57,360 --> 00:59:59,283
Your husband, Charlie.
1276
00:59:59,360 --> 01:00:00,850
Where are you?
1277
01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:03,685
Oh, a terribly vulgar
place called Los Angeles.
1278
01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:06,686
Apparently located in
the far West colonies.
1279
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,444
Well, what are you doing there?
1280
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:10,602
Well, I'm delivering
the Rolls to that grotesque
1281
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:12,205
Milton Krampf
1282
01:00:12,280 --> 01:00:15,284
and retrieving a certain
something in the process.
1283
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:16,885
Stay away from Krampf's daughter.
1284
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:18,889
She's a well-known nymphomaniac.
1285
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:20,367
Is she?
1286
01:00:20,440 --> 01:00:22,044
How do you know such things?
1287
01:00:22,120 --> 01:00:23,531
Johanna, we seem to be out of ice.
1288
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:24,806
Should I send for some?
1289
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:26,041
It's my husband on the line.
1290
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:27,971
MARTLAND: Oh, is he Still alive?
1291
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:29,644
Has he got the painting yet?
1292
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:30,801
Is that Martland?
1293
01:00:31,040 --> 01:00:32,724
I'll just be a moment, Alastair.
1294
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,724
That Judas! That Ajax! That Paris!
1295
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:37,046
Or was it Agamemnon?
1296
01:00:37,160 --> 01:00:38,207
Oh, you know who I mean.
1297
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:40,129
That ghastly chap who stole Helen of Troy
1298
01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:42,368
and started all that nasty
business in Greece.
1299
01:00:42,800 --> 01:00:44,325
(JOCK AND WOMAN MOANING ON PHONE)
1300
01:00:45,560 --> 01:00:46,925
- (WOMAN SHOUTS)
- JOCK: Done!
1301
01:00:47,000 --> 01:00:48,000
Finally!
1302
01:00:48,080 --> 01:00:50,890
Charlie?
Why are people achieving climax
1303
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:52,690
in your immediate vicinity?
1304
01:00:53,080 --> 01:00:55,162
(STAMMERING) Well, I think
I'm staying in some
1305
01:00:55,240 --> 01:00:57,686
sort of cement brothel, my love.
1306
01:00:58,400 --> 01:00:59,561
Say that again.
1307
01:00:59,640 --> 01:01:01,768
You look here, I will have you know that
1308
01:01:01,880 --> 01:01:04,087
I too am capable of being desirable
1309
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:05,850
to a certain type of woman!
1310
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:07,001
Charlie!
1311
01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:08,320
Yes, oh, yes!
1312
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:11,006
Some women go blind batting their lashes
1313
01:01:11,080 --> 01:01:13,367
for mustachioed men such as I!
1314
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:17,082
Charlie Mortdecai, you are
on very dangerous ground!
1315
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,601
Tell me the name of that
nympho daughter of Krampf's!
1316
01:01:19,680 --> 01:01:22,445
Perhaps she would render
an opinion on the issue! Hmm?
1317
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,122
Never mind.
I've found a cold Latour
1318
01:01:32,200 --> 01:01:33,406
which we might enjoy...
1319
01:01:35,240 --> 01:01:36,366
Johanna?
1320
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:39,121
Oh, balls.
1321
01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:42,362
MORTDECAI: Jock and I
set off to deliver the Rolls
1322
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:45,250
to my client, Milton Krampf,
1323
01:01:45,800 --> 01:01:48,451
ruthless billionaire, art collector,
1324
01:01:48,800 --> 01:01:52,122
and the rumored possessor of the lost Goya.
1325
01:01:53,120 --> 01:01:55,122
I was hot on the scent,
1326
01:01:55,440 --> 01:01:59,206
and a teensy bit curious
about his nympho daughter.
1327
01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:00,566
(MORTDECAI SIGHS)
1328
01:02:01,320 --> 01:02:02,321
(DOG GROWLING)
1329
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:03,401
Ah. Oh. Ooh.
1330
01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:04,961
(SIGHING)
1331
01:02:06,440 --> 01:02:08,090
Yes... Right.
1332
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:10,724
We must secure the painting,
1333
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:12,643
escape this nightmare posthaste
1334
01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:14,649
and you should interrupt me
as soon as you can.
1335
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:15,886
- Yes, sir.
- Oh!
1336
01:02:16,480 --> 01:02:17,720
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1337
01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:23,330
Lucky saddle.
1338
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,490
(CHUCKLES) Ah!
1339
01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:27,241
Yes!
1340
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:31,928
The fine life-giving drinks
tray manifests itself.
1341
01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:33,331
A mint julep, sir.
1342
01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:35,402
Anything will do, I thank you.
1343
01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:36,681
I'm Georgina Krampf.
1344
01:02:37,280 --> 01:02:38,850
Oh! How do you do?
1345
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:43,961
(GASPS)
1346
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:46,446
You must be Mortdecai.
1347
01:02:46,920 --> 01:02:50,208
Yes, indeed I am he.
1348
01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:53,966
Are you not having
a little something to drink?
1349
01:02:54,280 --> 01:02:55,520
No, I never drink alcohol.
1350
01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:57,690
I don't like to blunt my senses.
1351
01:02:58,040 --> 01:02:59,371
How awful.
1352
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:01,171
Oh, I feel wonderful.
1353
01:03:02,840 --> 01:03:04,046
- Ooh!
- Feel me.
1354
01:03:04,160 --> 01:03:05,366
Hmm?
1355
01:03:05,800 --> 01:03:07,040
Feel? Oh.
1356
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:09,601
Oh, yes.
1357
01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:11,802
No, not there, stupid. Here.
1358
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:13,041
Ah!
1359
01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:15,169
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ooh.
1360
01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:16,367
Ooh...
1361
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:18,044
Charlie Mortdecai, you son-of-a-bitch...
1362
01:03:18,120 --> 01:03:20,566
I was not squeezing the breasts...
1363
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:24,201
The Rolls.
1364
01:03:33,840 --> 01:03:34,841
MORTDECAI: Huh?
1365
01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:40,245
Oh.
1366
01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:47,761
(MORTDECAI LAUGHING)
1367
01:03:50,760 --> 01:03:52,250
MORTDECAI: So, I was a mule!
1368
01:03:52,360 --> 01:03:53,486
Right. You know, Bronwen called me
1369
01:03:53,600 --> 01:03:54,681
when she discovered the Goya,
1370
01:03:54,760 --> 01:03:57,331
and I called Spinoza,
and then he arranged for everything,
1371
01:03:57,400 --> 01:04:00,449
including the smuggling
of the painting in your Rolls.
1372
01:04:00,520 --> 01:04:02,522
Yes, but someone found out about the plan,
1373
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:05,922
and now Bronwen is as stiff
as my Uncle Richard's hatband.
1374
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:08,170
Art restoring is a nasty business.
1375
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:09,691
You are a nasty business, sir.
1376
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,001
Just look at her.
Isn't she a beauty?
1377
01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:13,764
- Yes, she is.
- My God...
1378
01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:16,851
- She's exquisite.
- So good...
1379
01:04:16,920 --> 01:04:21,687
The expert brushstrokes,
the smooth lines...
1380
01:04:21,760 --> 01:04:22,841
MILTON: Doesn't she look like my mother?
1381
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:24,000
Can you see a resemblance?
1382
01:04:24,600 --> 01:04:26,125
I never met your mother.
1383
01:04:26,440 --> 01:04:28,124
No, not in her, in me.
1384
01:04:28,240 --> 01:04:29,526
She's got prominent lips like me...
1385
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:30,726
Ah!
1386
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:32,245
...and those far-searching eyes...
1387
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:33,961
- Don't you think so?
- Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yes.
1388
01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:35,081
Do you mind?
1389
01:04:35,640 --> 01:04:36,641
Mmm.
1390
01:04:38,560 --> 01:04:42,645
I was just looking for something... else.
1391
01:04:45,040 --> 01:04:46,041
Mmm.
1392
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:47,561
Okay. Um...
1393
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:50,804
Uh, Branspath? Okay.
Thank you so much.
1394
01:04:50,880 --> 01:04:52,882
- In my study, please.
- Very good, sir.
1395
01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:54,644
Thank you.
No hard feelings.
1396
01:04:54,720 --> 01:04:55,721
(MORTDECAI LAUGHS)
1397
01:04:55,800 --> 01:04:58,804
I hope you'll stay with me tonight.
I'm throwing a party.
1398
01:04:58,920 --> 01:05:00,649
I'm gonna unveil the Duchess,
1399
01:05:00,720 --> 01:05:04,406
and watch every art world snob
in town drool all over her.
1400
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:07,003
We'll have your things
sent over from the hotel.
1401
01:05:07,080 --> 01:05:09,287
Go upstairs and freshen up.
You smell like a horse!
1402
01:05:09,720 --> 01:05:10,880
And if you're quick about it,
1403
01:05:10,920 --> 01:05:13,321
you might have time
to couple with Georgina before dinner.
1404
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:16,002
She's been through half the staff already.
1405
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:18,410
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1406
01:05:28,520 --> 01:05:30,443
Sir, you're staring at your liquor.
1407
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:32,920
So I am.
1408
01:05:34,000 --> 01:05:37,846
Jock, I fear we are in
the eleventh hour, man.
1409
01:05:38,440 --> 01:05:40,761
Our very future rests on
1410
01:05:40,840 --> 01:05:43,207
getting our hands on that blasted painting.
1411
01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:47,046
And therefore it's imperative
that we devise a plan.
1412
01:05:47,120 --> 01:05:49,771
And it will have to be a
fiendishly clever plan.
1413
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:51,041
Well, sir... I've been thinking...
1414
01:05:51,160 --> 01:05:53,288
And I mean dizzyingly complex,
1415
01:05:53,360 --> 01:05:55,522
replete with feints and distractions
1416
01:05:55,600 --> 01:05:59,207
and calibrated movements
of the Swiss watch type. What?
1417
01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:00,846
Thoughts?
1418
01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:03,891
During the party,
we steal it while no one's looking.
1419
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:09,128
Ingenious. Once again?
1420
01:06:11,360 --> 01:06:13,886
You go down, get your face seen a bit...
1421
01:06:13,960 --> 01:06:14,961
Mmm.
1422
01:06:15,040 --> 01:06:16,485
Then you meet me 'round the back later,
1423
01:06:16,560 --> 01:06:17,641
we climb up the side
1424
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:20,530
of the building,
break through the window, grab the painting.
1425
01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:23,409
Oh, diabolical.
1426
01:06:23,880 --> 01:06:26,360
(STAMMERS) Let's review it
a few more times, shall we?
1427
01:06:27,000 --> 01:06:29,082
It's just the old
smash-and-grab routine, sir.
1428
01:06:29,160 --> 01:06:30,400
Of course it is.
1429
01:06:30,480 --> 01:06:33,563
This is just the old
smash-and-grab business.
1430
01:06:33,680 --> 01:06:35,045
Smash-and-grab.
1431
01:06:35,400 --> 01:06:37,209
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?
1432
01:06:37,400 --> 01:06:38,890
I am so very proud of you.
1433
01:06:39,080 --> 01:06:40,081
Thank you, sir.
1434
01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:41,200
- And, Jock?
- Yes, sir?
1435
01:06:41,240 --> 01:06:42,685
You know, I've always
been rather fond of you.
1436
01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:43,761
Thank you, sir.
1437
01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:44,921
- Jock?
- Yup?
1438
01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:46,525
Will it be all right in the end?
1439
01:06:46,600 --> 01:06:48,364
How the fuck should I know?
1440
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:50,764
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
1441
01:06:57,920 --> 01:07:00,082
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1442
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:12,085
Unremarkable.
1443
01:07:20,040 --> 01:07:23,726
Keep the Englishman busy.
I create distraction.
1444
01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:25,211
No problem.
1445
01:07:37,800 --> 01:07:38,801
Ooh!
1446
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:40,401
Hi.
1447
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:42,807
Oh!
1448
01:07:42,880 --> 01:07:44,280
That's my bottom.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
1449
01:07:44,480 --> 01:07:45,891
Dance with me.
1450
01:07:46,800 --> 01:07:48,245
Starburst!
1451
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:52,764
Oh! So much!
So much to look at!
1452
01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:56,007
Hmm.
1453
01:07:58,640 --> 01:07:59,641
Have me.
1454
01:07:59,800 --> 01:08:03,407
Oh, my dear, I'm so tired.
And so married and so tired.
1455
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:05,164
And so married... Oh!
1456
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:08,170
And I'm married and tired, you know.
1457
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:10,121
I... Just...
1458
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:11,321
Whoa!
1459
01:08:12,160 --> 01:08:13,160
Oh!
1460
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:14,201
(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)
1461
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:16,527
MORTDECAI: Darling!
1462
01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:18,922
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Whatever brings you here?
1463
01:08:19,480 --> 01:08:22,529
This is not a breast in my hand!
1464
01:08:23,200 --> 01:08:25,362
I was unhappy with our last conversation,
1465
01:08:25,480 --> 01:08:27,687
so I got on the next plane. Surprised?
1466
01:08:27,840 --> 01:08:29,842
Oh, pleasantly.
1467
01:08:30,840 --> 01:08:32,160
Aren't you going to introduce us?
1468
01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:36,886
Johanna, my dear, this is
Milton Krampf's nymph...
1469
01:08:37,000 --> 01:08:38,001
Daughter Georgina.
1470
01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:40,962
And she was, well, we were having
1471
01:08:41,040 --> 01:08:43,725
a discussion about three...
1472
01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:47,361
Sometimes, you know, how it's like a...
1473
01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:48,441
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
1474
01:08:49,000 --> 01:08:50,365
(MORTDECAI STAMMERING)
1475
01:08:53,680 --> 01:08:54,681
Whew! Uh...
1476
01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:58,361
My, my, look at the time! Uh...
1477
01:09:01,960 --> 01:09:03,041
Carry on!
1478
01:09:04,680 --> 01:09:06,887
Oh! Oh!
1479
01:09:10,520 --> 01:09:11,521
(GROWLING)
1480
01:09:11,640 --> 01:09:13,244
A beast... A beast...
1481
01:09:15,920 --> 01:09:17,410
Ooh. Oh.
1482
01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:22,724
Yes, yes, yes.
Good hungry doggie...
1483
01:09:23,040 --> 01:09:26,089
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...
1484
01:09:26,320 --> 01:09:29,244
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...
1485
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:40,681
I met a beast...
1486
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:42,691
Krampf's window is
the second one on the left.
1487
01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:44,364
No, no. I met a beast!
1488
01:09:44,440 --> 01:09:45,771
Get on that ladder!
1489
01:09:46,920 --> 01:09:48,843
And what, pray tell, might you be doing
1490
01:09:48,920 --> 01:09:50,524
whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics?
1491
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:51,601
(DOG BARKING)
1492
01:09:51,720 --> 01:09:53,131
Oh! Beast! Beast! Beast...
1493
01:09:53,280 --> 01:09:54,691
(GROWLING)
1494
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:03,046
Oh, how I long for the rain
and indifference of Europe.
1495
01:10:04,040 --> 01:10:05,201
Well done, Jock!
1496
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:07,131
JOCK: It's a privilege, sir!
1497
01:10:08,400 --> 01:10:10,448
(DOOR SLAMS)
1498
01:10:17,200 --> 01:10:18,201
Ah...
1499
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:23,046
Well then, Mr. Krampf.
I suppose since you're here
1500
01:10:23,120 --> 01:10:26,329
and I'm here,
it's time for you and I to talk turkey.
1501
01:10:37,560 --> 01:10:38,607
Oh, I see.
1502
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:44,331
Oh, I see.
1503
01:10:46,480 --> 01:10:48,005
Bad news for you, Strago.
1504
01:10:48,560 --> 01:10:50,483
There are no bank codes on that painting.
1505
01:10:50,920 --> 01:10:53,764
I think we both know that there are.
1506
01:10:53,840 --> 01:10:55,001
Invisible ink, no?
1507
01:10:55,160 --> 01:10:56,286
Stop right there!
1508
01:10:57,440 --> 01:10:58,646
Sit down. Sit!
1509
01:10:59,600 --> 01:11:01,090
I... I warn you, Georgina.
1510
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:02,844
You have no idea what
you're getting involved with.
1511
01:11:03,000 --> 01:11:05,844
Despite his man purse,
Strago is very dangerous.
1512
01:11:06,080 --> 01:11:07,969
Darling, they are in cahoots.
1513
01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:09,167
How do you know?
1514
01:11:09,920 --> 01:11:11,365
Oh, that's gross!
1515
01:11:12,920 --> 01:11:13,921
We are in love.
1516
01:11:14,520 --> 01:11:15,806
Drop the gun!
1517
01:11:16,680 --> 01:11:17,681
Emil!
1518
01:11:18,040 --> 01:11:19,485
- JOHANNA: Alastair!
- Do it now!
1519
01:11:20,600 --> 01:11:21,601
(GRUNTS)
1520
01:11:24,040 --> 01:11:25,166
(MEN SHOUT)
1521
01:11:27,280 --> 01:11:28,520
Good show, Martland!
1522
01:11:28,640 --> 01:11:30,290
Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.
1523
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:32,723
Alastair, what are you doing here?
1524
01:11:32,880 --> 01:11:34,120
MARTLAND: I followed you.
1525
01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:35,281
Wouldn't do to have you walking into
1526
01:11:35,480 --> 01:11:37,369
all this mess on your own, now, would it?
1527
01:11:37,640 --> 01:11:38,846
Jock, give me the painting.
1528
01:11:39,320 --> 01:11:41,209
- Sit down!
- Drop the knife!
1529
01:11:41,280 --> 01:11:42,281
I will shoot you.
1530
01:11:42,400 --> 01:11:44,209
Yes, most likely by accident.
1531
01:11:44,480 --> 01:11:46,130
None of you will ever know
what it's like to make love
1532
01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:47,361
to a man with principles.
1533
01:11:47,480 --> 01:11:48,481
Well, in my case,
1534
01:11:48,560 --> 01:11:49,971
I can safely say you are correct.
1535
01:11:50,040 --> 01:11:53,169
However, I never went
to Eton where buggery is rampant.
1536
01:11:53,240 --> 01:11:55,000
Oh, you were at Eton,
weren't you, Martland?
1537
01:11:55,080 --> 01:11:56,320
Yes, yes, I was.
1538
01:11:56,640 --> 01:11:57,880
Yes, I was!
1539
01:12:10,080 --> 01:12:11,525
Please don't be sick!
Please don't be sick!
1540
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:12,966
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(RETCHING)
1541
01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:14,326
It's the shellfish!
1542
01:12:14,520 --> 01:12:15,601
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
1543
01:12:15,720 --> 01:12:16,720
- You have it?
- Go!
1544
01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:17,761
- Do you have it?
- Go!
1545
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:19,564
I go, I go, I go!
1546
01:12:20,880 --> 01:12:22,086
Valet!
1547
01:12:22,920 --> 01:12:24,445
Oh, I don't like that.
I don't like it.
1548
01:12:24,560 --> 01:12:25,686
- Close your eyes, sir.
- Right.
1549
01:12:25,760 --> 01:12:27,842
Give me the keys.
Keys to the Rolls.
1550
01:12:28,160 --> 01:12:29,161
Come on, let's go.
1551
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,089
Well, at least none of
us had the shellfish.
1552
01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:35,601
(GROANS)
1553
01:12:35,760 --> 01:12:36,921
(JOCK VOMITING)
1554
01:12:37,240 --> 01:12:38,571
Jock, please!
1555
01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:39,887
(GAGGING)
1556
01:12:40,080 --> 01:12:41,969
My sympathetic gag reflex.
1557
01:12:42,280 --> 01:12:44,282
Have you lost your bearings, man?
1558
01:12:44,520 --> 01:12:46,204
Shellfish at a catered affair?
1559
01:12:53,400 --> 01:12:54,561
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1560
01:12:56,720 --> 01:12:58,210
And I will have you two know that
1561
01:12:58,280 --> 01:13:00,647
I had a firm grasp on things
before you showed up.
1562
01:13:00,760 --> 01:13:02,967
Oh! You certainly had
a firm grasp on something!
1563
01:13:03,080 --> 01:13:06,209
(GASPS) You dare to cast aspersions?
1564
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:08,567
I am not the one entertaining at all hours
1565
01:13:08,640 --> 01:13:10,440
- with a failed poet! Oh!
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
1566
01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:20,641
At least my focus at
university wasn't plagiarism!
1567
01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:21,760
Oh, stay out of it!
1568
01:13:21,800 --> 01:13:22,881
(GROANING)
1569
01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:27,920
JOCK: Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!
1570
01:13:27,960 --> 01:13:29,849
There's more, there's more, there's more...
1571
01:13:30,080 --> 01:13:31,320
No more, no more, no more.
1572
01:13:31,400 --> 01:13:32,481
I swallowed it.
1573
01:13:34,680 --> 01:13:36,921
At least I have
the good taste to hide my indiscretions
1574
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:38,843
and not parade them under everyone's nose!
1575
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:40,604
So you admit there were indiscretions?
1576
01:13:40,680 --> 01:13:41,841
I admit nothing!
1577
01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:42,921
Then I deny nothing.
1578
01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:44,001
Oh, shut up!
1579
01:13:49,160 --> 01:13:50,161
(SCREAMS)
1580
01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:56,161
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1581
01:13:56,680 --> 01:13:57,841
(ALL GRUNTING)
1582
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:01,926
Questionable attack, Jock.
Spirited, though.
1583
01:14:02,920 --> 01:14:04,001
I'm done.
1584
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:40,000
MARTLAND: There's their car!
1585
01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,644
- MORTDECAI: Where?
- MARTLAND: There!
1586
01:14:45,040 --> 01:14:49,682
Now we wait. Thirty seconds.
Twenty-nine... Twenty-eight...
1587
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:50,921
GEORGINA: Don't count.
1588
01:14:51,040 --> 01:14:52,041
(LIQUID DRIPPING)
1589
01:14:56,040 --> 01:14:57,246
(SIGHS)
1590
01:14:57,760 --> 01:14:59,569
Better out than in. All right...
1591
01:15:01,920 --> 01:15:03,888
I shall secure the perimeter.
1592
01:15:04,240 --> 01:15:06,686
Why, this is an outrage!
There's not an ocean vista
1593
01:15:06,760 --> 01:15:08,160
within miles of this establishment.
1594
01:15:08,200 --> 01:15:09,770
Please don't be tiresome. Jock!
1595
01:15:09,840 --> 01:15:13,083
Are you quite finished
with your barrage of insults?
1596
01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:18,809
Now we heat the surface,
1597
01:15:18,920 --> 01:15:21,048
reveal the codes and transfer the money.
1598
01:15:21,600 --> 01:15:22,886
Get the blowtorch.
1599
01:15:27,640 --> 01:15:28,971
(GAS HISSING)
1600
01:15:37,640 --> 01:15:38,801
(JOCK GRUNTING)
1601
01:15:44,160 --> 01:15:45,924
Nobody make a move.
1602
01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:47,206
I really wouldn't, you know,
1603
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:50,011
he's trained and sexually frustrated.
1604
01:15:50,120 --> 01:15:51,690
MARTLAND: Those bank codes won't fall into
1605
01:15:51,800 --> 01:15:53,404
the wrong hands again.
1606
01:15:53,480 --> 01:15:54,891
Back away from the painting.
1607
01:15:54,960 --> 01:15:56,560
- Oh, don't do that!
- For heaven's sake.
1608
01:15:56,640 --> 01:15:57,641
For England!
1609
01:15:57,840 --> 01:15:59,649
(ALL EXCLAIM IN FEAR)
1610
01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,325
- MARTLAND: Oh, dear.
- (SCREAMS)
1611
01:16:07,320 --> 01:16:08,606
- Everyone out!
- Okay.
1612
01:16:08,840 --> 01:16:10,968
(ALL CLAMORING)
1613
01:16:21,200 --> 01:16:24,044
MORTDECAI: The local
authorities were displeased.
1614
01:16:24,280 --> 01:16:25,884
Strago and Georgina fled,
1615
01:16:26,000 --> 01:16:27,280
leaving the rest of us to answer
1616
01:16:27,320 --> 01:16:30,005
some rather pointed questions.
1617
01:16:30,120 --> 01:16:33,329
I recounted the sordid
tale as best I could...
1618
01:16:33,560 --> 01:16:36,530
This may be a customary
greeting in America.
1619
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:37,641
I don't know.
1620
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:41,841
All the while,
my thoughts were only of home.
1621
01:16:42,040 --> 01:16:45,886
If indeed Johanna and I
still had a home to go to.
1622
01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:49,050
(DOOR BUZZING)
1623
01:16:55,040 --> 01:16:59,204
I'm not sure if Jock has
mentioned it, but I am
1624
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:02,011
very, very sorry about everything.
1625
01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:03,605
(EXHALES)
1626
01:17:03,760 --> 01:17:05,171
Darling? Please?
1627
01:17:08,360 --> 01:17:09,850
(MORTDECAI SIGHS)
1628
01:17:10,920 --> 01:17:15,323
I suppose that
we will have to open the house to tours.
1629
01:17:16,400 --> 01:17:19,449
I'll have Jock fix up
the servants quarters for us.
1630
01:17:19,560 --> 01:17:21,369
Do you think that Jockie will stay on
1631
01:17:21,440 --> 01:17:24,046
without pay or lodging?
1632
01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:28,281
Don't be daft.
This isn't finished yet.
1633
01:17:28,720 --> 01:17:30,563
That painting was a fake.
1634
01:17:30,920 --> 01:17:32,570
MORTDECAI: A fake? How do you know?
1635
01:17:32,680 --> 01:17:34,284
A chap called Bunny's
1636
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:35,480
- got the real one.
- Bunny?
1637
01:17:35,560 --> 01:17:37,085
Bronwen lied from the start.
1638
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:41,286
She never found the lost Goya.
She painted it.
1639
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,201
Of course!
1640
01:17:43,600 --> 01:17:46,126
Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf.
1641
01:17:46,640 --> 01:17:50,122
Am I interested? (STAMMERING)
I'm wildly interested.
1642
01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,283
MORTDECAI: Krampf calls Spinoza.
1643
01:17:52,440 --> 01:17:55,444
Georgina finds out about it
and tells Emil, who goes to
1644
01:17:55,600 --> 01:17:57,443
steal the painting from Bronwen.
1645
01:17:57,560 --> 01:17:59,085
But Spinoza's already there.
1646
01:17:59,240 --> 01:18:00,969
He boffs Emil on the bean
1647
01:18:01,080 --> 01:18:02,560
- and takes the painting.
- (LAUGHING)
1648
01:18:02,760 --> 01:18:05,923
Spinoza then secrets
the painting into the Rolls
1649
01:18:06,160 --> 01:18:09,642
and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.
1650
01:18:10,120 --> 01:18:12,327
The Duke told me
that Bunny has the painting,
1651
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:13,521
but I can't find him.
1652
01:18:13,600 --> 01:18:14,681
Which Duke?
1653
01:18:14,760 --> 01:18:17,127
Of Asherboroughdon.
Bronwen's lover.
1654
01:18:17,960 --> 01:18:19,121
Bunny.
1655
01:18:19,640 --> 01:18:22,689
(GASPS) "Love, your Bunny!"
Oh! The note in the studio.
1656
01:18:22,800 --> 01:18:25,087
It was not from a child, it was from him.
1657
01:18:25,160 --> 01:18:26,685
The Duke is Bunny.
1658
01:18:26,800 --> 01:18:28,290
(CLICKS TONGUE)
1659
01:18:28,400 --> 01:18:30,289
(GASPS) And it wasn't his tadger.
1660
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:31,687
Come again?
1661
01:18:31,840 --> 01:18:34,207
The Duke kept trying
to get me to go into his lavatory
1662
01:18:34,280 --> 01:18:35,964
to look at his John Thomas.
1663
01:18:36,280 --> 01:18:37,281
Oh. Randy bugger.
1664
01:18:37,440 --> 01:18:38,965
Only that wasn't it at all!
1665
01:18:39,080 --> 01:18:40,800
He was trying to show me the real painting.
1666
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:43,640
The Duchess of Wellington
is in Bunny's loo.
1667
01:18:43,760 --> 01:18:44,807
Oh! Ooh!
1668
01:19:01,160 --> 01:19:02,525
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.
1669
01:19:05,160 --> 01:19:06,446
Oh, my.
1670
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:07,721
Oh, my!
1671
01:19:07,960 --> 01:19:09,689
(FUNERAL ORGAN PLAYING)
1672
01:19:09,840 --> 01:19:11,330
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.
1673
01:19:14,040 --> 01:19:17,044
Well, the water bailiff
won't bother him now.
1674
01:19:17,160 --> 01:19:18,207
Mmm.
1675
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:21,369
Terribly sorry for your loss, madam.
1676
01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:23,166
How very kind.
1677
01:19:25,040 --> 01:19:27,520
Would you mind ever so much
if we used the lavatory?
1678
01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:30,841
It's this way.
1679
01:19:33,360 --> 01:19:34,850
(BOTH GASP)
1680
01:19:37,560 --> 01:19:39,324
Oh, you beautiful breadwinner.
1681
01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:41,164
- Mwah.
- (BOTH GAGGING)
1682
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:43,323
Darling, please, you are killing me.
1683
01:19:43,400 --> 01:19:44,640
Right.
1684
01:19:45,920 --> 01:19:47,081
Out the window with it?
1685
01:19:47,920 --> 01:19:49,046
Quite.
1686
01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:51,567
However...
1687
01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:56,728
I do have the slightest of queries.
1688
01:19:57,040 --> 01:19:58,201
What do we do next?
1689
01:19:58,880 --> 01:19:59,881
Hmm.
1690
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:01,081
Because if Martland should get
1691
01:20:01,200 --> 01:20:02,201
his grubby hands on that painting,
1692
01:20:02,320 --> 01:20:04,402
he would destroy a magnificent work of art.
1693
01:20:04,520 --> 01:20:06,921
And we will be out a finder's fee.
1694
01:20:07,040 --> 01:20:08,929
If it falls into Strago's hands,
1695
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:11,520
he will unleash his unpleasantness
1696
01:20:11,600 --> 01:20:13,568
to disastrous effect upon the world.
1697
01:20:14,120 --> 01:20:16,168
And if we try to sell it to Romanov,
1698
01:20:16,240 --> 01:20:18,561
he will kill us and simply take it instead.
1699
01:20:18,760 --> 01:20:20,489
And yet we must find a way to pay
1700
01:20:20,560 --> 01:20:22,528
eight million in back taxes.
1701
01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:26,560
Mmm. Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite.
1702
01:20:26,960 --> 01:20:28,405
Quite a conundrum, this.
1703
01:20:28,600 --> 01:20:30,807
I shall need a moment
to think this through, I'm afraid.
1704
01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,042
Yes, do. Do think.
1705
01:20:33,200 --> 01:20:34,929
Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo,
1706
01:20:35,040 --> 01:20:36,405
holding a dead man's Goya.
1707
01:20:37,800 --> 01:20:40,087
Our painting is entered
in Sedgwick's Friday auction,
1708
01:20:40,200 --> 01:20:41,247
is it not?
1709
01:20:41,720 --> 01:20:42,767
Yes.
1710
01:20:43,280 --> 01:20:44,406
Perfect.
1711
01:20:44,800 --> 01:20:47,201
We are going to
enter the Goya into the auction,
1712
01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:48,765
disguised as our Sheridan.
1713
01:20:49,280 --> 01:20:50,725
But it's already at Sedgwick's.
1714
01:20:50,800 --> 01:20:52,245
It's been authenticated.
1715
01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:53,811
We'll make a switch.
1716
01:20:54,440 --> 01:20:57,125
But first we must convince our buyers
1717
01:20:57,240 --> 01:20:58,651
that the Goya's back in play.
1718
01:20:58,920 --> 01:21:00,649
They won't take our word for it.
1719
01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:02,250
They'll want to see it themselves.
1720
01:21:02,440 --> 01:21:03,930
Then we'll show it to them.
1721
01:21:04,600 --> 01:21:06,762
What the situation requires now
1722
01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:09,321
is a well-spun rumor.
1723
01:21:09,440 --> 01:21:11,568
Sir Graham. A message for you, sir.
1724
01:21:14,240 --> 01:21:16,447
What is all this nonsense?
1725
01:21:16,960 --> 01:21:20,089
You know I'm not interested
in your flaccid Sheridan.
1726
01:21:20,760 --> 01:21:22,171
Darling?
1727
01:21:25,320 --> 01:21:26,481
(GRAHAM GASPS)
1728
01:21:28,120 --> 01:21:29,167
Interested now?
1729
01:21:30,320 --> 01:21:31,481
Very.
1730
01:21:32,600 --> 01:21:34,568
But I watched it burn.
1731
01:21:34,640 --> 01:21:36,085
It's Mortdecai, sir.
1732
01:21:36,200 --> 01:21:38,009
Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way
1733
01:21:38,160 --> 01:21:39,764
to move it on the open market.
1734
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:43,130
The auction starts at 5:00 p.m.
1735
01:21:43,200 --> 01:21:44,964
I want that painting.
1736
01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:47,126
The auction got it.
1737
01:21:48,880 --> 01:21:50,006
Good luck!
1738
01:21:50,480 --> 01:21:51,891
(CHIMES)
1739
01:22:01,520 --> 01:22:04,364
I believe he still owes me a finger.
1740
01:22:16,520 --> 01:22:18,363
- Hello, pookie.
- Hello, darling.
1741
01:22:18,560 --> 01:22:20,005
I nicked one of their passkeys.
1742
01:22:20,160 --> 01:22:21,400
MORTDECAI: Well done.
1743
01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,646
We're Lot Seven.
1744
01:22:22,720 --> 01:22:24,563
I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch
1745
01:22:24,680 --> 01:22:26,170
once it's announced. Do not delay.
1746
01:22:26,240 --> 01:22:28,080
I know this building like
the back of my hand.
1747
01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:30,208
- You will have your time.
- Oh. Mmm.
1748
01:22:31,320 --> 01:22:32,526
Good luck.
1749
01:22:49,040 --> 01:22:50,644
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
1750
01:22:50,720 --> 01:22:51,881
Welcome to Sedgwick's
1751
01:22:52,040 --> 01:22:56,887
Autumn Master's Sale.
We shall begin with Lot One.
1752
01:22:58,040 --> 01:23:00,407
Barnyard Friends.
A lovely Helen Allingham,
1753
01:23:00,600 --> 01:23:04,571
depicting two horses,
an ass, and several cocks.
1754
01:23:04,840 --> 01:23:06,729
There's a lovely sky here.
1755
01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:10,083
Shall we start the bidding
at 17,000 pounds?
1756
01:23:10,440 --> 01:23:12,681
Seventeen thousand pounds,
thank you very much.
1757
01:23:18,440 --> 01:23:20,920
Stealthy, man, stealthy.
1758
01:23:21,400 --> 01:23:22,526
Oh.
1759
01:23:22,640 --> 01:23:24,404
Like a jungle cat.
1760
01:23:24,600 --> 01:23:25,601
Oh! Ahh!
1761
01:23:27,480 --> 01:23:29,960
Hello, Vladimir.
So good to see you out and about.
1762
01:23:30,080 --> 01:23:31,120
Tell us where painting is,
1763
01:23:31,200 --> 01:23:32,850
or you have big hole in your head.
1764
01:23:32,920 --> 01:23:34,763
You will have hole in your balls!
1765
01:23:37,080 --> 01:23:39,401
Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula?
1766
01:23:41,320 --> 01:23:42,810
(GROANS)
1767
01:23:44,440 --> 01:23:47,444
Your mother and father only met once.
1768
01:23:47,560 --> 01:23:49,085
And money changed hands.
1769
01:23:49,640 --> 01:23:50,641
(GROANS)
1770
01:23:50,800 --> 01:23:52,564
Probably less than a 20.
1771
01:23:53,840 --> 01:23:56,764
And they say she was dressed
as a man at the time.
1772
01:23:57,280 --> 01:24:01,285
I wouldn't, mate.
I really wouldn't.
1773
01:24:02,120 --> 01:24:05,010
Sold to the gentleman in the fuchsia ascot.
1774
01:24:05,320 --> 01:24:07,163
Moving on to Lot Two.
1775
01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:08,680
All right. There.
1776
01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:10,928
You won't be needing this anymore, will you?
1777
01:24:11,000 --> 01:24:12,001
Will you? Huh?
1778
01:24:13,000 --> 01:24:14,081
- Ahh!
- Ooh!
1779
01:24:14,640 --> 01:24:15,760
(DMITRI GROANING)
(YELPS)
1780
01:24:16,960 --> 01:24:18,166
My God. (GROANS)
1781
01:24:18,480 --> 01:24:19,481
(GROANING)
1782
01:24:19,600 --> 01:24:22,001
Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand!
1783
01:24:22,160 --> 01:24:23,207
(GRUNTING)
1784
01:24:23,320 --> 01:24:24,970
It's all right, sir, I've got another.
1785
01:24:25,160 --> 01:24:26,241
You know, remarkably,
1786
01:24:26,320 --> 01:24:27,731
this is not the first time I've shot Jock.
1787
01:24:27,800 --> 01:24:28,801
JOCK: Sir, the switch.
1788
01:24:29,000 --> 01:24:30,445
- Mmm?
- The switch, sir.
1789
01:24:30,520 --> 01:24:31,601
Oh, quite right.
1790
01:24:31,680 --> 01:24:33,330
- (SCREAMS)
- No time to dally. Ugh.
1791
01:24:34,000 --> 01:24:35,365
(WAILING)
1792
01:24:36,680 --> 01:24:37,681
(GRUNTING)
1793
01:24:38,640 --> 01:24:40,005
(LAUGHING)
1794
01:24:45,440 --> 01:24:47,124
JOCK: I'll meet you inside, sir.
1795
01:24:47,800 --> 01:24:50,121
And we move on to Lot Four.
1796
01:24:50,320 --> 01:24:53,483
Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field.
1797
01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:56,001
Isn't it charming?
1798
01:24:57,520 --> 01:24:59,409
(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1799
01:25:04,240 --> 01:25:05,685
(LOCK CLICKS)
1800
01:25:20,560 --> 01:25:21,846
(DOOR BUZZING)
1801
01:25:22,880 --> 01:25:25,724
AUCTIONEER: Thirty-five thousand pounds.
1802
01:25:28,160 --> 01:25:31,926
Forty thousand pounds? 40,000?
45, isn't it?
1803
01:25:32,040 --> 01:25:35,567
Forty-five, thank you, sir.
45, 50, back on the...
1804
01:25:41,680 --> 01:25:42,841
Give me the painting.
1805
01:25:47,040 --> 01:25:48,690
(SWORDS CLATTERING)
1806
01:25:50,040 --> 01:25:51,041
What painting?
1807
01:25:52,840 --> 01:25:53,841
Oh!
1808
01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:56,126
I see that you have been schooled
1809
01:25:56,240 --> 01:25:58,561
in the fine art of fencing.
1810
01:25:59,280 --> 01:26:00,327
(MORTDECAI CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
1811
01:26:00,400 --> 01:26:01,447
Alas,
1812
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:05,046
so have I.
1813
01:26:06,520 --> 01:26:09,091
An essential part of
every gentleman's education.
1814
01:26:10,640 --> 01:26:13,291
And as a gentleman, I should warn you
1815
01:26:13,880 --> 01:26:16,201
that my coup d'arret is
still whispered about
1816
01:26:16,280 --> 01:26:18,647
in hushed tones to this very day.
1817
01:26:18,800 --> 01:26:20,040
- Ooh!
- (YELLS)
1818
01:26:20,240 --> 01:26:21,241
(YELPS)
1819
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:24,001
I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it!
1820
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,081
Oh, Oh, Oh!
1821
01:26:26,440 --> 01:26:28,727
Twenty-five thousand pounds.
1822
01:26:36,600 --> 01:26:37,601
(DOOR BUZZING)
1823
01:26:38,280 --> 01:26:41,568
AUCTIONEER: Lot Five.
Smiling Woman in a Chair.
1824
01:26:50,640 --> 01:26:51,641
(DOOR BUZZING)
1825
01:26:52,320 --> 01:26:53,321
(YELLING)
1826
01:26:54,120 --> 01:26:57,522
Sold for 210,000 pounds.
1827
01:27:01,760 --> 01:27:05,321
And now, moving on to Lot Six.
1828
01:27:07,480 --> 01:27:08,641
(YELPS)
1829
01:27:09,000 --> 01:27:10,126
(SCREAMING)
1830
01:27:13,840 --> 01:27:14,921
Ha-ha!
1831
01:27:17,320 --> 01:27:18,321
Oh.
1832
01:27:21,120 --> 01:27:22,167
Ha-ha!
1833
01:27:29,520 --> 01:27:30,646
(GRUNTING) Oh!
1834
01:27:32,840 --> 01:27:33,887
Oh, dear.
1835
01:27:40,840 --> 01:27:42,001
(GASPS)
1836
01:27:43,960 --> 01:27:46,088
I would like to humbly
1837
01:27:46,160 --> 01:27:47,810
and unreservedly offer my deepest...
1838
01:27:47,880 --> 01:27:49,370
(YELLING)
1839
01:27:50,480 --> 01:27:51,527
Truce?
1840
01:27:56,040 --> 01:27:57,121
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1841
01:27:57,200 --> 01:27:58,406
AUCTIONEER: Ladies and gentlemen,
1842
01:27:58,520 --> 01:28:00,045
if you would please remain calm.
1843
01:28:02,400 --> 01:28:03,526
(EMIL YELLING)
1844
01:28:12,720 --> 01:28:14,131
Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please
1845
01:28:14,200 --> 01:28:16,202
remain in your seats, I would be grateful.
1846
01:28:19,560 --> 01:28:20,561
Ah!
1847
01:28:21,600 --> 01:28:23,443
(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PA)
1848
01:28:26,200 --> 01:28:27,361
Where is Mortdecai?
1849
01:28:29,040 --> 01:28:30,565
Well, come on, then.
1850
01:28:31,280 --> 01:28:32,611
(SIRENS WAILING)
1851
01:28:39,080 --> 01:28:40,241
(GRUNTING)
1852
01:28:51,600 --> 01:28:52,726
(SCREAMING)
1853
01:28:54,120 --> 01:28:55,246
God.
1854
01:28:56,600 --> 01:28:57,726
(STRAINING)
1855
01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:02,688
Going on to Lot Seven.
Colonel Blucher
1856
01:29:02,760 --> 01:29:05,445
- with Hounds near Twineham.
- But quietly. Quietly.
1857
01:29:06,720 --> 01:29:10,042
A lovely Sheridan offered
by the Mortdecai estate.
1858
01:29:10,240 --> 01:29:13,608
Shall we start the bidding
at 100,000 pounds?
1859
01:29:14,760 --> 01:29:16,922
One hundred thousand pounds.
Thank you, Sir Graham.
1860
01:29:17,320 --> 01:29:18,446
(GRUNTING)
1861
01:29:18,760 --> 01:29:20,603
Fang wants finger.
1862
01:29:21,000 --> 01:29:23,241
Must go and bid.
Must go and bid. Must go and bid.
1863
01:29:26,720 --> 01:29:27,960
Where is Mortdecai?
1864
01:29:28,400 --> 01:29:29,606
Tell me.
1865
01:29:29,960 --> 01:29:32,964
He's not here, mate. He sent me.
1866
01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,321
MAN: Where is he?
1867
01:29:35,440 --> 01:29:37,442
JOCK: It's just me, mate.
1868
01:29:38,120 --> 01:29:39,485
Oh, God!
1869
01:29:40,440 --> 01:29:42,522
Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.
1870
01:29:43,480 --> 01:29:45,642
Two hundred. Very good. Do we have three?
1871
01:29:45,800 --> 01:29:46,801
Three.
1872
01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:50,323
Yes, well, in future,
if you could please use your paddles.
1873
01:29:50,520 --> 01:29:53,490
I will take your finger.
1874
01:29:53,600 --> 01:29:55,329
(WHIMPERING)
1875
01:29:56,960 --> 01:29:58,007
(BOTH SPEAKING CANTONESE)
1876
01:30:12,360 --> 01:30:14,124
(SOFTLY) I couldn't help overhearing
1877
01:30:14,200 --> 01:30:17,522
some discussion about your finger.
1878
01:30:18,000 --> 01:30:20,685
Oh, don't worry about that,
sir, I've got nine more.
1879
01:30:24,480 --> 01:30:26,881
I feel simply awful, man,
but I must get to the auction.
1880
01:30:27,160 --> 01:30:28,685
I'll be all right, sir.
1881
01:30:29,040 --> 01:30:30,530
We need eight million.
1882
01:30:32,680 --> 01:30:34,040
AUCTIONEER: Now, can we go to 500?
1883
01:30:34,120 --> 01:30:35,246
500, ladies and gentlemen.
1884
01:30:35,880 --> 01:30:37,450
(SOFTLY) There he is.
Now don't cause a panic.
1885
01:30:37,520 --> 01:30:38,726
Just get him.
1886
01:30:38,840 --> 01:30:39,966
AUCTIONEER: Five hundred thousand.
1887
01:30:40,080 --> 01:30:42,082
Five hundred thousand.
1888
01:30:42,200 --> 01:30:43,201
(SOFTLY) Hold. Hold.
1889
01:30:43,320 --> 01:30:45,402
AUCTIONEER: Thank you, madam, 500,000.
1890
01:30:45,520 --> 01:30:48,444
Do I have 600?
600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen.
1891
01:30:48,520 --> 01:30:50,443
- Bid.
- Oh! What?
1892
01:30:50,520 --> 01:30:51,567
(SHOUTS)
1893
01:30:51,680 --> 01:30:53,921
A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be
1894
01:30:54,040 --> 01:30:55,451
bidding on her own painting.
1895
01:30:55,520 --> 01:30:57,320
Just taking the horse for
a trot out to London
1896
01:30:57,360 --> 01:30:58,486
and back, are we?
1897
01:30:58,680 --> 01:31:01,047
- Oh! Yeah.
- Very well. 600 then.
1898
01:31:01,400 --> 01:31:03,243
(WHISPERING)
I'll make it up to you, Jockie.
1899
01:31:03,360 --> 01:31:05,601
Oh, I know you will, sir. You always do.
1900
01:31:15,040 --> 01:31:16,166
(JOCK GRUNTING)
1901
01:31:23,120 --> 01:31:24,246
(GROANS)
1902
01:31:29,960 --> 01:31:31,530
Well done, sir.
1903
01:31:34,960 --> 01:31:36,883
It is a privilege, Jock.
1904
01:31:38,200 --> 01:31:40,646
AUCTIONEER: (ON PA)
Are we all done at 900,000?
1905
01:31:41,280 --> 01:31:42,884
- Go bid!
- Oh!
1906
01:31:43,360 --> 01:31:47,001
AUCTIONEER: Fair warning at 900,000 pounds
1907
01:31:47,080 --> 01:31:48,445
from Sir Graham.
1908
01:31:50,080 --> 01:31:53,607
Last chance. And we are...
1909
01:31:53,720 --> 01:31:54,926
Darling.
1910
01:31:56,920 --> 01:31:58,570
Yes, Lord Mortdecai?
1911
01:31:58,920 --> 01:32:00,922
Would you also like to make a bid?
1912
01:32:02,280 --> 01:32:03,281
Ten million pounds.
1913
01:32:03,360 --> 01:32:04,361
(ALL GASP)
1914
01:32:04,440 --> 01:32:07,603
AUCTIONEER: Ten million pounds
from Lord Mortdecai himself.
1915
01:32:07,800 --> 01:32:09,086
(SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)
1916
01:32:10,760 --> 01:32:11,761
(SOFTLY) Move!
1917
01:32:11,920 --> 01:32:14,571
- MAN: Come on!
- Twenty million, you swine!
1918
01:32:15,320 --> 01:32:16,606
Twenty-five million.
1919
01:32:16,920 --> 01:32:19,969
EMIL: Twenty-five and a half!
26 and a quarter!
1920
01:32:20,120 --> 01:32:21,240
Thirty million. Final offer!
1921
01:32:21,320 --> 01:32:22,924
AUCTIONEER: Is that our final bid?
1922
01:32:23,160 --> 01:32:26,960
Are we all done at 30 million pounds?
1923
01:32:28,280 --> 01:32:29,327
Sold.
1924
01:32:29,480 --> 01:32:30,641
(APPLAUSE)
1925
01:32:33,560 --> 01:32:36,803
There you are. 2,642 pounds.
1926
01:32:38,840 --> 01:32:40,251
I do beg your pardon.
1927
01:32:40,320 --> 01:32:43,244
Uh, maths were never my strong suit.
1928
01:32:43,640 --> 01:32:45,927
But there was mention of 30 million,
1929
01:32:46,000 --> 01:32:47,161
so you take that.
1930
01:32:47,600 --> 01:32:49,011
Uh, less commission, carrying,
1931
01:32:49,080 --> 01:32:50,730
handling, and transfer taxes,
1932
01:32:50,960 --> 01:32:52,840
left a total of just over
eight million pounds.
1933
01:32:53,480 --> 01:32:55,926
Which I am sorry to report has been...
1934
01:32:56,000 --> 01:32:57,604
Garnished by Her Majesty's government
1935
01:32:57,680 --> 01:33:00,968
in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie.
1936
01:33:03,000 --> 01:33:04,081
Can you think of a good reason
1937
01:33:04,160 --> 01:33:05,969
why I shouldn't arrest you right now?
1938
01:33:07,440 --> 01:33:08,851
I eschew discomfort?
1939
01:33:10,120 --> 01:33:11,963
JOHANNA: Any blame here should fall on me.
1940
01:33:13,040 --> 01:33:14,451
Dear Alastair,
1941
01:33:15,240 --> 01:33:17,368
if I led you to believe
there was anything between us,
1942
01:33:17,440 --> 01:33:19,283
it was merely to find out about the case
1943
01:33:19,360 --> 01:33:21,124
and protect my husband.
1944
01:33:21,240 --> 01:33:22,890
Can you forgive me?
1945
01:33:22,960 --> 01:33:24,200
Of course, Johanna.
1946
01:33:25,880 --> 01:33:27,166
- Charlie?
- Mmm.
1947
01:33:30,360 --> 01:33:32,522
It was a damned good try, old bean.
1948
01:33:37,680 --> 01:33:39,728
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,
1949
01:33:40,320 --> 01:33:43,244
"the saddest are these,
'It might have been'."
1950
01:33:44,600 --> 01:33:46,090
Thank you, Maurice.
1951
01:33:56,400 --> 01:34:00,086
MORTDECAI: Poor Jock.
He was frantic with worry.
1952
01:34:01,160 --> 01:34:04,562
But I knew everything
would be all right in the end.
1953
01:34:04,640 --> 01:34:07,325
(INHALES DEEPLY)
1954
01:34:09,000 --> 01:34:10,684
Magnificent.
1955
01:34:13,240 --> 01:34:15,004
Do you think the codes are really there?
1956
01:34:15,760 --> 01:34:17,603
They most certainly are, darling.
1957
01:34:17,680 --> 01:34:20,001
And I gave them to the authorities.
1958
01:34:20,080 --> 01:34:22,287
Anonymously, of course.
1959
01:34:23,240 --> 01:34:25,561
We may be flat broke, my darling,
1960
01:34:25,680 --> 01:34:27,842
but we are not desperate.
1961
01:34:28,360 --> 01:34:30,203
I do hope Romanov doesn't come down
1962
01:34:30,280 --> 01:34:31,805
too hard on Sir Graham,
1963
01:34:31,880 --> 01:34:34,565
when he finds out he bought the wrong fake.
1964
01:34:35,360 --> 01:34:36,691
Lights.
1965
01:34:37,800 --> 01:34:39,131
(CLICKING)
1966
01:34:43,400 --> 01:34:45,289
That is disappointing.
1967
01:34:45,920 --> 01:34:47,331
Very disappointing.
1968
01:34:47,920 --> 01:34:49,490
Open your balls.
1969
01:34:54,400 --> 01:34:55,481
Bollocks.
1970
01:34:56,840 --> 01:35:01,641
Now, tell me about that tramp on the horse.
1971
01:35:03,320 --> 01:35:04,481
Oh, my darling,
1972
01:35:04,560 --> 01:35:07,564
I tried desperately to
be unfaithful to you,
1973
01:35:07,680 --> 01:35:09,125
I really did.
1974
01:35:10,160 --> 01:35:11,844
But I just couldn't do it.
1975
01:35:13,760 --> 01:35:16,081
It's a terrible moment
when you find yourself
1976
01:35:16,160 --> 01:35:18,845
falling in love with your
own spouse, isn't it?
1977
01:35:19,680 --> 01:35:22,126
Now, that is the look that softens
1978
01:35:22,200 --> 01:35:24,202
every bone in my body,
1979
01:35:24,840 --> 01:35:26,126
except one.
1980
01:35:28,240 --> 01:35:31,005
Do you mean you are ready?
1981
01:35:32,680 --> 01:35:34,728
I see no obstacle to such a course.
1982
01:35:38,480 --> 01:35:40,005
My love, surely you recall
1983
01:35:40,080 --> 01:35:42,686
I have already been circumcised.
1984
01:35:44,920 --> 01:35:46,524
(SIGHS) Mmm...
1985
01:35:47,920 --> 01:35:49,285
Charlie?
1986
01:35:50,120 --> 01:35:53,169
Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know,
1987
01:35:53,880 --> 01:35:56,611
I am a man of few words.
1988
01:35:56,680 --> 01:35:57,966
(CHUCKLES)
1989
01:35:59,480 --> 01:36:02,643
I deeply, deeply love
1990
01:36:04,560 --> 01:36:06,085
my moustache.
1991
01:36:08,400 --> 01:36:09,561
But
1992
01:36:09,640 --> 01:36:10,971
I have discovered
1993
01:36:12,400 --> 01:36:13,925
that I love you
1994
01:36:15,680 --> 01:36:16,727
more.
1995
01:36:19,960 --> 01:36:21,007
Proceed.
1996
01:36:24,480 --> 01:36:26,642
Would you really do that for me?
1997
01:36:28,160 --> 01:36:33,007
For you, there is nothing I would not do.
1998
01:36:37,080 --> 01:36:39,321
Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai,
1999
01:36:40,520 --> 01:36:44,161
I should be very pleased
if you would keep it.
2000
01:36:45,120 --> 01:36:46,246
Really?
2001
01:36:47,080 --> 01:36:48,730
I mean... (MUMBLES)
2002
01:36:49,040 --> 01:36:50,121
Mmm...
2003
01:36:50,680 --> 01:36:51,966
Oh, darl...
2004
01:36:53,280 --> 01:36:54,691
Your gag reflex.
2005
01:36:55,840 --> 01:36:57,171
Try me.
2006
01:36:57,440 --> 01:36:58,726
(CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)
2007
01:37:08,320 --> 01:37:09,526
Pookie.
2008
01:37:10,200 --> 01:37:12,248
I have never been so...
2009
01:37:12,320 --> 01:37:13,446
(BOTH GAGGING)
2010
01:37:13,560 --> 01:37:15,210
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
2011
01:37:16,001 --> 01:38:00,002
Improved By: Fidel33