1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,499 This is my story. 2 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:07,979 Right. 3 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:02,619 (SINGING) My, my, my, Delilah. 4 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:09,539 Why, why, why, Delilah? 5 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:16,619 I could see that girl was no good for me 6 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:22,939 but I was lost like a slave that no man could free. 7 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:29,339 I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window. 8 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:36,299 I saw the flickering shadow of love on her blind. 9 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:43,419 She was my woman. 10 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:51,620 As she betrayed me I watched and went out of my mind. 11 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:57,099 My, my, my, Delilah. 12 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:03,699 Why, why, why, Delilah? 13 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:11,979 I could see that girl was no good for me 14 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:17,139 but I was lost like a slave that no man could free. 15 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:25,299 At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting. 16 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:31,539 I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door. 17 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:37,299 She stood there laughing. 18 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:44,859 I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more. 19 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:51,939 My, my, my, Delilah. 20 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:58,899 Why, why, why, Delilah? 21 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:06,860 So before they come to break down the door 22 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:11,819 forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take any more. 23 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:42,380 Mr Capello? 24 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,380 Mr Capello, my pay's short. 25 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,460 Well, you're short so now you match. 26 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,620 I mean, it's supposed to be £25 and it's not £25. 27 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,260 - So sue me. - It's supposed to be £25 and it's not. 28 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,820 You're more than welcome to go and see if Zippo's will pay you any more. 29 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,979 Now, beggar off. We're on. 30 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,500 Well, what about... cooking? 31 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,180 Cooking? Definitely no cooking. 32 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,940 - Oh. - Ah! 33 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:14,739 What, no cooking? 34 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,259 I told you! 35 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,899 No cooking even with a frying pan? 36 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,260 I told you, no cooking! 37 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,179 Alright, it's a deal. No cooking. 38 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,860 Alright, now fuck off. 39 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,019 Nello, ladies and gentlemen! 40 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:25,820 Can I help you? 41 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,460 Yes, I'm a friend of the Bishop. 42 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,980 And... which Bishop would that be? 43 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,020 Bishop of Keele. Bishop of Lichfield. 44 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:38,020 And the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a very good friend of mine. 45 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,179 Could you give me a lift? 46 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:43,380 Of course, of course. Where would you need a lift to, exactly? 47 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,179 Stoke-on-Trent. 48 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,260 Right. Well, that's quite a drive! 49 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,100 It is, yes. Thank you. 50 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,659 - I didn't necessarily say that I'd... - Have you had your breakfast? 51 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,940 - I have indeed. - Oh. I haven't. 52 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,419 Very nice of you to ask. Thanks. 53 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,420 Right. 54 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:08,340 Yes. 55 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,580 Ok. 56 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,139 Ok, thank you. 57 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,620 I can take you as far as Dumfries 58 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,060 and then your mum has arranged for your local vicar to come and get you from there. 59 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,420 Marvellous. 60 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,820 You've got a tow bar, haven't you? 61 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,579 A tow bar? 62 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,739 Why would I need a tow bar? 63 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,699 Is there any more toast? 64 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,860 Should he be wandering around the country on his own like this? 65 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,700 He's clearly got special needs of some sort. 66 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,220 Well, he doesn't have much trouble finding help. 67 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,980 In fact, he seems positively blessed in that regard. 68 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,259 Is he in the habit of doing this? 69 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:50,460 Well, he does seem to view the Church as being some sort of ecclesiastical AA. 70 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,540 Oh. 71 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,860 He says he's a good friend of the Bishop of Lichfield. 72 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,940 Yes, that's true. 73 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,460 And the Archbishop of Canterbury. 74 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,140 Well, if Neil says he knows someone, then he usually does. 75 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,539 How does he get to know them? 76 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,219 By being Neil. 77 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,780 Thanks! 78 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,180 Oh, that's quite alright. 79 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,259 Er, would you mind signing this before you go? 80 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,539 A Bible? 81 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,060 Are you sure? Slightly irregular. 82 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,739 Thanks. 83 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,500 No, not the front. 84 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,900 Er, that's for Bishops and Archbishops. 85 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,819 There's space above that for regular clergy. 86 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:47,500 Right. 87 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,339 So there is. 88 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,700 I've got them all in there. 89 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,500 Desmond Tutu, Terry Waite... 90 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,980 Rowan Williams, Jimmy Greenhoff... 91 00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:00,099 I wasn't aware Jimmy Greenhoff had been ordained! 92 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,700 He hasn't. 93 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,620 He scored 76 goals in 274 games for Stoke City. 94 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,100 - He was marvellous. - Right, right, well... 95 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,899 There you are. 96 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,699 Thanks. Thank you. 97 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,660 Your mum'll be pleased to see you. 98 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,379 I bet she will. I'll be pleased to see her. 99 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,820 The truth is, she's not been so well lately. 100 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,339 Right. 101 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,820 And I know it's hard to think about these things 102 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,259 but your mum's not getting any younger. 103 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,860 No, she's not. 104 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,580 None of us are. 105 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,140 And that's life. 106 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,059 So we have to make the most of it. 107 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:42,980 Hiya, Mum. 108 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,579 Oh, there's a sight for sore eyes. 109 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,660 Let me have a look at you. 110 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,300 So how have you been keeping without me to keep any eye on you, like? 111 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,939 I've been tip-top, me. Tip-top. 112 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,459 It's a robin. 113 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,420 Oh, he's back, is he? 114 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,419 He was here last week. 115 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,820 I bet he missed you. 116 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,139 Bet he did. 117 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,339 That's why he's come back. 118 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,579 Neil, love. 119 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,540 When I let you join that circus, you said they'd look after you. 120 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,460 They did look after me. 121 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,540 Just that one ringmaster took against me. 122 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,900 It only takes one. 123 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,140 I'm nice to people and people are nice to me. 124 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,259 And if they're not nice to me, then they're all the people who are. 125 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,860 I won't be here forever. 126 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,620 Don't talk like that. 127 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,259 Well, we all die one day, Neil. 128 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,500 Until Jesus returns 129 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,060 and raises his sleeping followers from death 130 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,740 and grants immortality to the faithful. 131 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,260 So there you are then. 132 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,019 Jesus 1, Mary Baldwin 0. 133 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,900 I want to know that you can look after yourself 134 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,980 when I'm not here to do it any more. 135 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,100 Don't get taken advantage of. 136 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,779 - Hold down a job. - I've got a job. 137 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,540 - You've been sacked. - A new job. 138 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,539 At the university. 139 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,459 Oh, that's lovely. 140 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,499 When did they offer you this? 141 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,379 Tomorrow. 142 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,420 When you first came to Keele were you nervous? 143 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,259 I'm never nervous. 144 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,827 Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin. 145 00:12:01,927 --> 00:12:04,540 - Welcome to Keele University. - Hello. 146 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,614 I'm Neil Baldwin. 147 00:12:05,714 --> 00:12:07,900 - Welcome to Keele University. - Alright? 148 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,749 Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin. 149 00:12:09,849 --> 00:12:12,199 - Welcome to Keele University. - Hiya. 150 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:19,980 Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin. Welcome to Keele University. 151 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,380 Hiya. I'm Malcolm. Stoke City fan? 152 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,540 I am, yes. Very much so. 153 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,180 - Are you? - Yeah. 154 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,540 Yeah, I am. 155 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,820 So, do you work here, do you? 156 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,339 Yes, I think I do. 157 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,979 Ta. 158 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,499 ...an explanation for perceptual error. 159 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,460 The example of the Phantom Limb is a pretty strong refutation of the notion 160 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:35,819 that our perception of reality and external reality are one and the same thing... 161 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:38,420 (SINGING) ...Enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink. 162 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:44,700 The years go by as swiftly as a wink. 163 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:51,579 Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think! 164 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,140 Is that a chaffinch? 165 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,500 What exactly is it that you do up there, Neil? 166 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,020 At the university? 167 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,900 It is a chaffinch, you know. It's got wing bars. 168 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,540 Neil Baldwin. 169 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,539 As much as I love birds, I will not be knocked off-course by plumage talk. 170 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,540 What are you doing there, at Keele? 171 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,299 All sorts. 172 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,259 And what does it pay, this 'all sorts'? 173 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,620 Look at the birds of the air. 174 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:40,300 They neither sow, nor reap nor gather into barns. 175 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,819 Yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. 176 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:54,500 When I started work, I read my Bible every dinner break. 177 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,300 And they made fun of me. 178 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,859 They called me Holy Mary. 179 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:03,219 I could be a vicar, then I'd be Holy Neil. 180 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,500 Is that why you don't want a normal job? 181 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,739 Because you're worried they'll pick on you? 182 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,539 I like the Church of England. 183 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,220 I like performing. 184 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,140 I believe in God. 185 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:21,139 That does put you three up on most of the Church of England clergy I've encountered. 186 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,780 But there are other things you need, Neil. 187 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,619 Bifocals. 188 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,300 I was thinking qualifications. 189 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,540 - You alright, Nello? - Hiya, Steve. 190 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,139 Wigan on Saturday! 191 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,060 Who's that? 192 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,020 Steve. He's a very good friend of mine. 193 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,140 You've never mentioned him before? 194 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,859 Well... I only met him yesterday. 195 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,820 Well, the good news is they are looking for pot dippers at Susie Cooper's. 196 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,940 I used to work for Susie Cooper's. 197 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,180 I was the recipient of many a compliment on my eye for colour. 198 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,100 I think our Neil's got the same. 199 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,380 Thank you, but it's not what I'm looking for. 200 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,739 What are you looking for? 201 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,740 What would you like to do, Neil? 202 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,180 I'd like to manage Stoke City. 203 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:10,300 Or be a vicar. Either is fine. I'm flexible. 204 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:14,780 Ok. And... what are you qualified to do? 205 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:20,259 I helped the students out at Keele. And I'm a registered clown. 206 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,540 Are you indeed? 207 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,780 What have you gone and brought that here for? 208 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,179 That's Nello. 209 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,539 Did you do this? 210 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,700 Just look at that paintwork! 211 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,620 Not a million miles away from ceramics. 212 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,739 That's right, he's a dab hand. 213 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,220 It's an egg of, with your make up on, and it's registered. 214 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,580 You can sue anyone who steals your make up. 215 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,780 I don't think Elaine wants to hear about all that now. 216 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,540 And are there any openings in the circus right now? 217 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,380 Not at the moment, no. 218 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,940 Charlie Cairoli's a very good friend of mine. 219 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,660 I've got his number, if you'd like it. 220 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,380 Just say Neil said to ring him. 221 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,940 - I meant for you. - 0272... 222 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,300 496 0725. 223 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,900 Neil! 224 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,700 Sorry. He does go off on tangents now and then. 225 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,140 But you don't think he has any vacancies? 226 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,140 For you. 227 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,420 Er, no. 228 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,980 That's why I mentioned the vicaring or football manager. 229 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:26,019 Doesn't have to be Stoke, but I draw the line at Port Vale. 230 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,500 There are schemes to help people into work 231 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:38,260 who otherwise might have... difficulties. 232 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,299 Why are you telling me that? 233 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,699 Fruit Pastilles do not count as fruit and you know it. 234 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,780 You'll be turning me vegetarian if I'm not careful. 235 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,780 If in doubt when I'm not here, ask Doris on the till. 236 00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,740 She'll tell you what's healthy and what's not. 237 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:00,900 Doris? 238 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,780 She doesn't look all that well to me. 239 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,099 She can keep an eye out for you. 240 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,100 Looks like I should be keeping an eye on her. 241 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,739 Oh, for goodness' sake! All I want to know is you can stand on your own two feet! 242 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,500 It's more than my life's worth, Neil. 243 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,739 I thought eggs were good for you. 244 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,940 Mary, you alright, duck? 245 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,340 Yes, yes. 246 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:45,699 Just the price of these tinned peaches. Taken the wind right out of me. 247 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,979 Neil. 248 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:11,660 I have been praying very hard about this, and you know what? 249 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,700 I think you're ready for a place of your own. 250 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,660 I've got a place of my own. This place. 251 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,340 A place of your very own. Not too far away. A little flat. 252 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:22,819 Move out? 253 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,020 Of my home? 254 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,780 Well, somewhere nice, you know 255 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:30,100 where you can start to be more... independent 256 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,100 and manage, you know. 257 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,979 But I do manage. 258 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,699 When have I ever gone without? 259 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,900 Do you think it's God's will? 260 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,740 Well, that's a difficult one, but I think it might be, yes. 261 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,700 Not my mum's will? 262 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,300 I think on this occasion, as is so often the case 263 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,779 your mother's will and God's will might be one and the same thing. 264 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,380 Is that the choir? 265 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,660 Yes. Are you joining? We're still short of baritones. 266 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,740 I'd love to help you out more but I've got a lot of stuff to do. 267 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,620 Oh, really? Like what? 268 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:19,500 I'm behind on my bird-watching. 269 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,940 The Gerry Cottle Circus are in town. 270 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,659 I'm writing an extra verse for the Lord's Prayer. 271 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,379 You're not joking, are you? 272 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,460 There's still half your Stoke City programmes up there. 273 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,339 I'll come back for them. 274 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,859 All grown up, eh? My Neil. 275 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,179 Don't worry, Mum. I'll not forget you. 276 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,980 This is very kind of you, Malcolm. 277 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,940 Give to him who asks you. And from him who wants to borrow do not turn away. 278 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:54,980 Matthew: 5. 279 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,900 Oh, I wouldn't say no to half a lager at the student union. 280 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,219 Malcolm: 1. 281 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,700 You alright, Neil? 282 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,379 Yes. Let's get this over with. 283 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,819 We'll have it dark. 284 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,659 Here, Malcolm. 285 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,779 Ok. 286 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,060 Don't know how all that came loose. 287 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,859 Not got an eagle in there, have you? 288 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,299 What do you think of that? 289 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,060 What's the Neil Baldwin football club when it's at home? 290 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,620 My own team. 291 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,739 Picked by me, managed by me, captained by me. 292 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:12,940 - At least you can't be dropped. - Exactly. 293 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,579 You're Vice President. 294 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,100 Am I? Right. Not President then? 295 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:22,739 Gary Lineker is President. I'm just going to write to him to tell him the good news. 296 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,780 (RADIO) In other news, Stoke City have announced... 297 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,060 the departure of their manager, Graham Paddon 298 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,940 after just 18 games in charge. 299 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,620 The club's board thanked him for his hard work and dedication 300 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,459 and have said they'll act quickly to find a replacement... 301 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,499 Come in, Mark. 302 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,139 Thank you for coming. 303 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,499 I'd use my own minister but he tends to be more in demand. 304 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,900 It is addressed to Neil. 305 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,459 I can see that. That's what worries me. 306 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,300 Remember that misunderstanding around the payment for the coach hire? 307 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:29,300 I do. 308 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,100 It cast a long shadow over the Alzheimer's picnic. 309 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,140 He isn't terribly good with money. 310 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,979 And who can forget what Paul reminded us in Romans? 311 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:40,940 Indeed. 312 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,580 Owe no one anything except to love each other. 313 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:47,740 I'm not sure that can be applied directly to contemporary financial transactions. 314 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:51,579 I want you to steam open the envelope and tell me what's inside it. 315 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,540 I don't know about that. 316 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,340 Well, I'm a Christadelphian but you're Church of England. 317 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,700 How's that relevant? 318 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:02,139 Well, firstly, Neil is Church of England so, spiritually speaking, he is of your flock. 319 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,537 And secondly, I think of the Church of England 320 00:25:05,638 --> 00:25:09,119 as having a less rigorous moral code than my own. 321 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,899 What's he going to do when I'm not here to look after him? 322 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,899 We can appoint trustees. 323 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,980 And he seems to manage. 324 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,499 He has his adventures and... 325 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:29,979 How much is it for? 326 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:35,179 You might want to bear in mind you're talking to a woman with an enlarged aorta. 327 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,499 When was your last check-up? 328 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,699 £800. 329 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,500 Oh, I should never have let him move out! 330 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,820 - This is my fault. - No, Mary! 331 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,700 I'm sure there's a way of paying this by instalments. 332 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,060 - I'll go over and see him right now. - No, he's not there! 333 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,899 He's gone up to London. 334 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,300 Right. 335 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,459 On parliamentary business, so he said. 336 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,699 Where are you going, mate? 337 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,059 House of Commons. 338 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,019 Figures. 339 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,700 Is Tony Benn in today? 340 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,579 Couldn't tell you that, sir. 341 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:51,780 Well, could you not find out if he's clocked on or not? 342 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,099 I can't move from here, I'm afraid. 343 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,260 Could you leave him this note? 344 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:09,619 I'm a friend of his son, Stephen's, from Keele University. 345 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,419 Thanks. 346 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,340 Did you really meet him? 347 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:33,260 Yes. 348 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,659 He was very nice to me. 349 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,420 Poor Tony. 350 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,299 Poor Tony, yes. 351 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,980 Did you mention our drains to him? 352 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,739 He was very busy. 353 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,500 They've not been right since next door did that paella for their ruby wedding. 354 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:02,739 No. 355 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:05,860 They were going to go barbeque 356 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,419 but the forecast was for low pressure from the east. 357 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,220 £800! That's not right. 358 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,419 No, it's not right, Neil. It's not right at all! 359 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:21,140 I buy an electric stamp, every week, from the Post Office. £5. 360 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,260 Neil, that only pays off £60. 361 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,820 This is the electricity you've actually used. 362 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,300 How do you even begin to use this much? 363 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,220 I pay a fiver a week. 364 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,220 I buy a stamp. Ask the woman at the Post Office. 365 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:34,979 How do you use that much? 366 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:36,860 I don't. 367 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,500 The budgies do. 368 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,620 I have to keep them warm, don't I? 369 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,260 Please tell me you don't have that two-bar electric fire on all day and night? 370 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:45,419 Why shouldn't I? 371 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,099 I pay it. I buy a stamp. 372 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,299 I've got it in a book somewhere. 373 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,259 - How are we going to find £800? - Don't worry, Mum. 374 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:01,020 Neil, love. 375 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:05,819 The whole point of you moving out was so you could learn to manage these things. 376 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,580 I'll pay it off when I get the Stoke City job. 377 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,419 There is no Stoke City job. 378 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,499 They appointed Lou Macari as the new manager this dinnertime. 379 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,060 Then I'll go and see him. First thing tomorrow. 380 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:24,419 And Lou Macari's going to pay your electricity bill, is he? 381 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,499 I wouldn't have thought so. Why would he do that? 382 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:34,459 God bless Dad. Look after him. 383 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:39,859 And God bless Mum. And let her not worry any more. 384 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:44,259 God bless the students. 385 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:50,619 And God bless Norman Barrett MBE, of Zippo's Circus. 386 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,019 God bless Gordon Banks. 387 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:57,499 God bless... 388 00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,459 Ken Dodd. 389 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,500 And God bless Lou Macari 390 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:09,460 and help him in his task to return Stoke City to the top division. 391 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:11,019 Amen. 392 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:20,579 Or to the play-offs, at least. 393 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:24,659 For like Job we have been sorely destined. 394 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:39,739 Why, why, why, Delilah? 395 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:41,899 So before... 396 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,980 - You can take us up, Lou. - I hope so. I really hope so. 397 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,940 No, I mean I know you will. 398 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:53,380 Aye, good, great. Aye. Top man. 399 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:58,100 I told my vicar he'll make Bishop one day, and I'll be right about that too. 400 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,699 Aye, right, great. That's... that's great. 401 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,939 - Macari! - Macari! 402 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,780 Not been waiting out there all day, have you? 403 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:55,820 I have, yeah. 404 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,140 In case you needed me, like. 405 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,900 That's very good of you, but have you not got work to do? 406 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,339 I'm out of work at the moment. 407 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,900 I'm sorry to hear that. 408 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:08,460 And what's your trade? 409 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:09,900 Circus clown. 410 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,180 Alright. 411 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:12,739 And what was your act? 412 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,620 Making people happy, you know. 413 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:19,860 I used to get chucked off the back of a fire engine every night. 414 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,979 So how come you got sacked? 415 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,459 Face didn't fit. 416 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:29,180 Night, then. 417 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:30,379 Night. 418 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,539 A clown, you say? 419 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,379 How do you fancy coming to work for me? 420 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:39,780 Kit man? 421 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,820 It'd be great, yeah. 422 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:46,540 I'll have to square it with the university, like, but I think they'll be alright with it. 423 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:48,700 What do you do at the university? 424 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,980 Help them out. With the students. 425 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,540 What, you don't get flung off the back of a fire truck there as well? 426 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:57,460 No, it's not really called for. 427 00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,699 I suppose not. 428 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,780 Well, I'll see you on Monday then, aye? 429 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:05,979 See you Monday, Lou. 430 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,739 Top man. 431 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,699 Are you absolutely sure you've got this right, Neil? 432 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,220 The manager of Stoke City, Mr Lou Macari 433 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,300 offering you, Neil Baldwin, a job? 434 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,219 Mr Lou Macari of Manchester United and Scotland, yes. 435 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,740 I'm starting a file on him. 436 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:31,460 You want a biscuit? 437 00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:34,620 No, but you have one. Don't make crumbs. 438 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:37,539 You can only just see the pattern on the carpet as it is. 439 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:48,499 I know better than anyone how much you love football. 440 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,659 I know you love football because of me. 441 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,259 It's just that... 442 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,339 What exactly does it entail, this job? 443 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:03,020 Laying out the clean kit, picking up the dirty kit 444 00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:04,700 taking it to the laundry. 445 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,659 Well, you had me believing you 'til then. 446 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,899 You've never so much as picked up a dirty sock in your lifetime. 447 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,179 Your bedroom's like the hold in Noah's ark. 448 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,660 Are you sure you've got that right? 449 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:25,180 Are you sure you've got this right? 450 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,819 Tell the boss Nello's here. 451 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,739 What can I say? He was the right man for the job. 452 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:38,499 Thank you very much. 453 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:42,099 Come on. 454 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,220 O ye of little faith. 455 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,899 Wherefore didst thou doubt? 456 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,899 Matthew: 14. 457 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,020 Come on, out of the way! 458 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:09,820 You don't want any more injuries! 459 00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:11,180 Who's that? 460 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:12,979 New kit man. 461 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:21,060 Keep it tight. 462 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:23,860 Get in behind that lumbering fullback of theirs. 463 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,300 Defending corners we leave Laino up. 464 00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:28,940 But we need to get tight on their two big lads at corners. 465 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,979 Paddy, you stick to that big fella like glue. Alright? Don't let him breathe. 466 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:35,180 First to the ball. Don't give them time or space. 467 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,580 Now, we do that in the first 10 minutes and they won't worry us. 468 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:39,939 Laino. What? 469 00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:42,259 What is it, son? 470 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,659 Oh, for fuck's sake! 471 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:48,940 Get in here, you! 472 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:54,659 What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fucking hell is that? 473 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,180 Well done, lads. Great stuff out there today! 474 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:18,140 Well played, Paddy, son. 475 00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:19,779 Well played, lads. 476 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:25,499 Oh fuck off! 477 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:30,859 Kick him out! He's trying to cheat! He's trying to cheat! 478 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,819 I took the head off. 479 00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:38,140 Just in time, by the looks of you. 480 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:42,179 Bloody hell, Nello. A few spuds round you and you make a roast dinner. 481 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,420 I talked a girl out of killing herself once. 482 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:48,180 Young student. 483 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,539 What, dressed as a chicken? 484 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,140 No, course not. 485 00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:54,060 Dressed as Father Christmas. 486 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:55,699 Oh, right. 487 00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:58,459 And what's that got to do with the chicken suit? 488 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,899 Fancy dress. Good for morale. 489 00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:04,620 Charlie Cairoli taught me that. 490 00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:07,019 He's a very good friend of mine. 491 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:16,059 Just out of interest 492 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:20,259 what did you say to that girl who wanted to kill herself? 493 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:26,859 I said, 'we've all got to go sometime, love, but why do you have to go now'? 494 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:33,779 Night. 495 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,900 - Alright, gorgeous? - Alright. 496 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,060 - Ey up, how's it going, Nello? - Good, yeah. 497 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:52,939 Nello! Nello! 498 00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:57,620 Alright, mong? 499 00:37:57,720 --> 00:37:59,939 Make sure that tea's ready and waiting for tomorrow. 500 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:01,860 I'm not a mong. 501 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,299 I'm a registered clown. 502 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:07,380 That was a bit harsh. 503 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,539 You've got to carry on. 504 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:15,340 Didn't you feel he was picking on you? 505 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:16,940 Because of your difficulties? 506 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,179 What difficulties? 507 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,299 (SINGING) O Lord my God 508 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:41,499 when I in awesome wonder consider all the works thy hand hath made 509 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:46,540 I see the stars 510 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:50,620 I hear the mighty thunder 511 00:38:50,720 --> 00:38:58,139 thy power throughout the universe displayed. 512 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:06,139 Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee 513 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:14,179 how great thou art, how great thou art! 514 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:21,499 Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee 515 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:31,379 how great thou art, how great thou art! 516 00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:43,579 ...You fat bastard! You fat bastard! 517 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:56,020 (SINGING) When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur 518 00:39:56,120 --> 00:40:03,539 and hear the brook, and feel the gentle breeze. 519 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:11,059 Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee... 520 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:17,099 - A shock signing? - Well, he's a bit of an unknown quantity. 521 00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:19,940 I don't even really want to reveal his name. 522 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,780 Er, we'll let him do his own talking on the pitch. 523 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:26,140 And he'll be given an opportunity at pre-season matches. 524 00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:28,299 We've got to get some weight off him. 525 00:40:30,240 --> 00:40:32,260 Er, he's not in the best of condition. 526 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,419 But you know, I put my head on the chopping block and... 527 00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:38,740 and have taken that opportunity and brought him here. 528 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,660 Let's just see what lies ahead, Ivan. 529 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,659 Let's just take it from game to game. 530 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:13,619 Well, he's, er... He's Neil, isn't he? 531 00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:15,539 You know what I mean. 532 00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:18,339 I know. Neil, my son. Yes. 533 00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,420 But he's just great to have around. 534 00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:24,340 He's, er, well, he's funny. 535 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:26,580 He doesn't always mean to be. 536 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,899 Aye, well that does make it a wee bit funnier. 537 00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:30,980 If you don't mind me saying. 538 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:32,739 No, not at all. 539 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:36,620 ...couldn't fucking turn on a fucking manhole cover. 540 00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,139 You've got love handles like my missus and she's six months pregnant! 541 00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:42,699 Alright, Nello, got a fucking brew on, or what? 542 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,619 Sorry about that, Mrs Baldwin. 543 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,020 Where were we? 544 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:51,899 You were telling me why you've given my Neil a job. 545 00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,859 Well, he's... he's genuine. 546 00:41:58,120 --> 00:41:59,420 He doesn't have an angle. 547 00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:03,220 And you go a long way in this game to find a bloke without an angle. 548 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:05,300 And the fact that... 549 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,980 well, that he isn't perhaps as quick on the uptake... 550 00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:10,540 Quick on the uptake? 551 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,140 We're talking about footballers here, Mrs Baldwin. 552 00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,619 It's not exactly University Challenge out there. 553 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,180 Even so, I had thought... 554 00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:19,740 Well... 555 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:24,059 I won't be around forever, and I have to be sure he'll be alright. 556 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:26,020 Of course. 557 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:27,900 What mother wouldn't want that? 558 00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:31,820 I had put his name down for a monastery, for when I'm not here, to keep an eye. 559 00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,100 He seemed to like it there. 560 00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:35,660 A monastery? 561 00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,020 Neil? 562 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,980 Your son belongs in a changing room, Mrs Baldwin. 563 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:43,019 He loves it here. And we love him. 564 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:47,979 God, he gives us all a lift. And he's... indispensable. 565 00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,140 - Paddy. - Yes, boss. 566 00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:53,020 You'll do for me, young man. 567 00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:54,340 Thanks, boss. 568 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,380 - Laino. - Yes, boss. 569 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,060 Just play. 570 00:42:58,160 --> 00:42:59,540 How should I play, boss? 571 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:00,700 Play well. 572 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,380 And as for you, Thumper. 573 00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:04,940 Bomber, boss. 574 00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,699 I think you'll find Thumper's the name of the rabbit in Bambi. 575 00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:10,500 I'm the boss. 576 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:15,100 If I call you Thumper, your name's Thumper. 577 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:16,500 Right, boss. 578 00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:19,580 Let's just play the game right. 579 00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:22,380 And the main thing is this 580 00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:26,659 this is what you've got to get into your noggins. 581 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:34,779 The main thing is: go out there and score more goals than the other team. 582 00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:40,340 Thanks, Nello. 583 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:42,819 Was that supposed to be me, aye? 584 00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:44,620 Brian Clough, boss. 585 00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:46,299 Oh right. Cloughy. 586 00:43:57,520 --> 00:43:59,939 (CHEERS) 587 00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:13,140 Lou says I should give the team talk every week. 588 00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,460 3 - 0, not surprised! 589 00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:17,220 There might be a problem this week. 590 00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,940 It's the boat race. I never miss the boat race. 591 00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:21,620 Can't you tape it? 592 00:44:21,720 --> 00:44:23,500 I don't watch it on the telly. 593 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:25,259 I'm on the river. 594 00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:27,860 You might need to lose some weight if you're coxing. 595 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:29,700 I'm not in the crews. 596 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:32,620 I'm on the launch behind with the umpire and that. 597 00:44:32,720 --> 00:44:34,180 Hi, Neil. 598 00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:36,100 Hiya, Molly. 599 00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,379 How'd you wangle that? 600 00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:40,540 I just asked. 601 00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:42,460 You can't just get things by asking. 602 00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:44,139 Can't you? 603 00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:45,820 I can. 604 00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,740 Great win Saturday, Nello! 605 00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,019 Up the Potters, Farouq! 606 00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:27,340 Why would they let you on the umpire's launch? 607 00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,979 Tradition. 608 00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:37,260 Hey, Nello. How long are you going to be with those fucking pads? 609 00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:39,260 Sort your own pads out. 610 00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,300 Yes, Nello! Get in there! 611 00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:44,380 You tell him, lad! You have him! 612 00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:45,620 You flash bastard! 613 00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:48,020 Did you put your wife's knickers on by mistake this morning 614 00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,100 or is there something you want to tell us? 615 00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:52,139 These are pure silk boxer shorts, these, boss. 616 00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:55,420 Kendall Mills, Deansgate. 617 00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:58,580 If you're spending that much on underpants I'm paying you too much. 618 00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:00,060 Valuable cargo. 619 00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,699 Can't keep the crown jewels in a cornflakes box. 620 00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:09,019 Hey, how much do you spend on your underpants, Nello? 621 00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:10,540 Nothing. 622 00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:12,540 My mum buys them for me. 623 00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:13,500 Very wise. 624 00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:16,419 Might be because you're protecting as little as possible, mate. 625 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,380 Well. 626 00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:26,500 They weren't very nice to you. 627 00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:28,779 There's always banter. 628 00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:37,620 Nello. Nello! 629 00:46:37,720 --> 00:46:38,899 Yes, boss? 630 00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:41,779 Have you put on weight? 631 00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:43,580 A bit. 632 00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:45,340 Your mother will kill me. 633 00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:47,899 I promised her I'd help you lose weight. 634 00:46:48,560 --> 00:46:51,180 Hey, come on! Laino, I told you! 635 00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:53,659 First touch! First touch! 636 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:01,900 Where the fuck are my boxer shorts? 637 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,340 Which one of you bastards has had them? 638 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:05,740 Sixty fucking quid's worth. That must be a blow. 639 00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:07,220 Hang on! 640 00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:09,940 My pants have gone too. What the fuck! 641 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,620 Some thieving YTS lad has definitely had them off. Million percent. 642 00:47:13,720 --> 00:47:15,900 Yeah, that'll be it, yeah. 643 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:20,340 Those YTS boys, they'll steal anything that isn't nailed down. 644 00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:22,139 Who asked you? 645 00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:28,099 No. No, Nello, you haven't? 646 00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:32,859 Yours are on the bottom, and they're a waste of money. 647 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:36,100 They're chafing right up my undercarriage. 648 00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:37,699 Oh fuck! 649 00:47:39,720 --> 00:47:44,619 (SINGING) My, my, my, Delilah! 650 00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:50,220 Why, why, why, Delilah? 651 00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:55,820 So before they come to break down the door 652 00:47:55,920 --> 00:48:00,499 forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take any more. 653 00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:08,259 So before they come to break down the door 654 00:48:09,240 --> 00:48:15,419 forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take any more. 655 00:48:37,720 --> 00:48:39,219 Mum? 656 00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:43,420 - Her eyes aren't what they were. - Mary, can you watch this light for me? 657 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,179 She has bifocals. 658 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:47,620 Do you know where you are? 659 00:48:47,720 --> 00:48:50,180 I don't think either of them are right. 660 00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:51,779 Do you know where you are? 661 00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:55,340 - My dad died here. - Hold my hand, Mrs Baldwin. 662 00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,140 - When he was young. - Can you grip it tight? 663 00:48:57,240 --> 00:48:58,900 And I was young too. 664 00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:01,680 - That's good. - I did very well. 665 00:49:01,781 --> 00:49:03,619 And the other hand, can you do that one too? 666 00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:06,460 She has bifocals. 667 00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:09,580 She's very healthy. I'm not so healthy. 668 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,860 She eats salad. I eat chips. 669 00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:13,540 She's always telling me. 670 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,260 We're going to get a consultant down to look at her. 671 00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:18,020 I'd rather it was a doctor. 672 00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:19,940 He's better than a doctor. 673 00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:23,260 When will I take her home? I have to call a taxi. 674 00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:26,860 She won't be going home tonight, I'm afraid. She really is very poorly right now. 675 00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:28,660 She is, isn't she? 676 00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,780 I think we need to get that consultant right away. 677 00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:34,300 Yes, he's busy, but he'll be right down as soon as possible. 678 00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:36,019 Is it Mr Saeed? 679 00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:39,260 Yes, as a matter of fact. Why, do you know him? 680 00:49:39,360 --> 00:49:41,540 He's a very good friend of mine. 681 00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:42,820 Neil. 682 00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:44,940 How are you? Everything ok? 683 00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:46,340 Very well, thank you. 684 00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,060 Are we going to beat Portsmouth on Saturday? 685 00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:50,700 If Laino's fit, we can beat anyone. 686 00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:53,660 I love your attitude. This man is a force for good. 687 00:49:53,760 --> 00:49:55,020 Has my registrar been looking after you? 688 00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,859 He's very young. 689 00:49:58,040 --> 00:49:59,980 My mum has had an episode. 690 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,340 Ok. 691 00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:03,420 Ok, well, let's see what we can do, shall we? 692 00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:05,180 Have you ordered a CT scan? 693 00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:07,979 Bloods? BP? Come on, what's been keeping you? 694 00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:10,659 Ok. 695 00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:13,579 Let's go and have a look at her, shall we? 696 00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:20,019 (ON TELEVISION) Third somersault... short. 697 00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:23,963 That's the boner that cost me the triple. Not big, but fatal. 698 00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:26,731 That's why we're gonna start from the beginning and make each move perfect 699 00:50:26,831 --> 00:50:30,063 before we go onto the next. I'll run it again for you. 700 00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:36,860 Ey up, Nello! How's it going? 701 00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:38,260 Shocking. 702 00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:40,180 Is Laino going to be fit for Saturday? 703 00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:42,060 Course he is, yeah. 704 00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:44,139 Don't worry about that. 705 00:50:57,320 --> 00:50:58,139 Thanks. 706 00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:08,580 Now Neil, your mum has had a heart attack. 707 00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:11,540 And that is why the oxygen isn't getting to her brain. 708 00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:13,899 And that is why she's confused. 709 00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:15,979 A heart attack. Yes. 710 00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:20,459 So you are going to have to be strong for your mum now because she needs you to be. 711 00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:23,940 I'll pray for her. 712 00:51:24,040 --> 00:51:25,939 That'd be a good idea. 713 00:51:27,200 --> 00:51:28,540 And I'll visit. 714 00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:29,980 Also good. 715 00:51:30,080 --> 00:51:33,260 I'll get the Christadelphians to pray for her too. 716 00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:34,580 Excellent idea. 717 00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,619 And you. At the temple. 718 00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,140 More the merrier. That's what I say. 719 00:51:40,240 --> 00:51:41,739 Very wise. 720 00:51:43,240 --> 00:51:45,420 Have her home in no time, eh? 721 00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:49,259 Well, there is a possibility, Neil, that she might not be able to come home. 722 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:53,099 Her health hasn't been very good for a while now, as you know. 723 00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:57,900 Social Services think they may have to find her somewhere where she can live 724 00:51:58,000 --> 00:52:00,059 and be looked after. 725 00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:04,819 - Do you understand? - I do. Yes. 726 00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:07,939 Have her home in no time, eh? 727 00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:21,539 Morning, boss. 728 00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:28,380 You take as much time off as you need, Neil. 729 00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:29,660 Alright? 730 00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:32,100 There's nothing more important than your mother's health. 731 00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:36,299 I don't need to take any time off. She's going to get better. 732 00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:41,779 How do you do it, Nello? 733 00:52:42,160 --> 00:52:44,939 How do you stay so positive? 734 00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:51,379 I've always wanted to be happy so I decided to be. 735 00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:54,579 Brilliant. 736 00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:57,059 I'm going to write some of this stuff down! 737 00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:02,499 If bad things happen, you think about good things. 738 00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:05,059 Like what? 739 00:53:05,440 --> 00:53:07,100 Like... 740 00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:09,019 Best signing you ever made. 741 00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:11,299 Oh. 742 00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:14,939 I wouldn't know where to start. 743 00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:17,619 With the shorts. 744 00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:22,380 The cleaner the shorts the better the player. 745 00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:25,379 It means they've stayed on their feet longer. 746 00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:32,819 Well, if you don't mind me saying, that's very much a kit man's point of view. 747 00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:37,699 Cloughy thought it too. 748 00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:41,979 Oh, so now I'm arguing with you and Cloughy, am I? 749 00:53:56,920 --> 00:54:00,339 I'm assuming the budgie's not part of the food shop, son. 750 00:54:01,080 --> 00:54:02,340 It's for me. 751 00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:05,139 The man at the pet shop gave me a discount. 752 00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:07,779 I've got your shopping. 753 00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:14,059 Did you not take a list, Neil? I gave you a list. 754 00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:16,420 I did it from memory. 755 00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:18,219 Oh. Whose memory's this? 756 00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:20,620 Not mine, that's for certain. 757 00:54:20,720 --> 00:54:23,380 I've never eaten any of this stuff in my life! 758 00:54:23,480 --> 00:54:25,860 What did you pay for all this? 759 00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:27,940 Wasn't Doris on? 760 00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:31,500 - I've got it here somewhere. - It doesn't matter really. 761 00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:34,660 Just take the list next time, will you? 762 00:54:34,760 --> 00:54:36,699 I'll write you a new one. 763 00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:39,299 Fetch me the writing pad. 764 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:44,099 I've been keeping my flat clean as well. 765 00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,659 Good. 766 00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:49,660 What about you? 767 00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:51,380 When did you last have a shave? 768 00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:53,500 I'm going to call him Macari. 769 00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:54,700 Who? 770 00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,259 My budgie. 771 00:54:57,200 --> 00:55:00,099 I'm going to call him Macari, after Lou Macari. 772 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:02,459 Right. 773 00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:06,099 Everything has to start and end with love. 774 00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:11,019 It's a simple message, but one that we can forget all too easily. 775 00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:15,699 Now, as it says in Corinthians: 1 776 00:55:16,240 --> 00:55:20,299 'If I speak in the tongues of mortals and angels but do not have love' 777 00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:24,339 'I am a noisy gong or clashing cymbal.' 778 00:55:26,440 --> 00:55:30,619 Now I think we've all encountered one or two noisy gongs in our lives. 779 00:55:43,160 --> 00:55:45,220 You are looking after yourself, aren't you, Neil? 780 00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:47,459 Yes, I am. 781 00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:49,179 I always have. 782 00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:55,340 Well, with your mum in the home and so on 783 00:55:55,440 --> 00:55:57,579 I can't help noticing... well... 784 00:55:59,040 --> 00:56:02,180 I think you need to maybe take extra care of yourself. 785 00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:05,059 So your mum doesn't worry too much about you. 786 00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:07,300 I've got the Lord. 787 00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,139 You have indeed. 788 00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:12,140 I've got the students. 789 00:56:12,240 --> 00:56:13,020 Yes. 790 00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:17,179 I've got Stoke City and I've got my mum. 791 00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,979 What I want you to think about, Neil 792 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:27,140 is what you would do 793 00:56:27,240 --> 00:56:29,379 if one of them wasn't there. 794 00:56:33,200 --> 00:56:37,299 Well, I'd probably have the time to join the choir, for a start. 795 00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:42,219 Right. 796 00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:44,020 Right! 797 00:56:44,120 --> 00:56:46,419 Are you feeling better for our little chat, Mark? 798 00:56:47,960 --> 00:56:49,379 Yes. 799 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,299 Thank you, Neil. 800 00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:58,900 (ON TELEVISION) ...Police would like to talk to anyone 801 00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:02,420 who was in the area in the early hours of Sunday morning. 802 00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:04,500 More on that breaking story now. 803 00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:06,740 We go over to the Victoria ground 804 00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:10,860 where Lou Macari has resigned as Stoke City manager 805 00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,740 to take up the vacant post at Glasgow Celtic. 806 00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:18,779 The club have said they have already begun their search for a first-class successor. 807 00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:21,980 I've no comments to make right now. 808 00:57:22,080 --> 00:57:24,820 But, erm, there'll be a press conference later on. 809 00:57:24,920 --> 00:57:27,939 So you can check that out, see how we go. Alright? 810 00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:30,580 During his time at the club 811 00:57:30,680 --> 00:57:34,619 Macari took the Potters to the play-offs, automatic promotion... 812 00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:49,019 Nello. 813 00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:54,659 When Celtic come calling, a Glasgow boy like me has to say yes. 814 00:57:55,320 --> 00:57:57,499 I know that, yes. 815 00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:03,219 And whoever takes over here, I bet they'll find you as valuable as I did. 816 00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:06,580 Do you want me to come? To Celtic? 817 00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:08,340 Oh, I'd love you to. 818 00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:10,779 But I think you're Stoke, through and through. 819 00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:14,860 And I think the Rangers fans might eat you alive. 820 00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:17,059 You're right. I'll stay put. 821 00:58:17,520 --> 00:58:20,019 With my mum in the home and that. 822 00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:22,299 She depends on me for shopping. 823 00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:24,939 Exactly. 824 00:58:26,120 --> 00:58:27,300 So no hard feelings then? 825 00:58:27,400 --> 00:58:29,139 No hard feelings. 826 00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:33,220 Are you staying on for Tommo's testimonial? 827 00:58:33,320 --> 00:58:36,539 Oh, I can do better than that. I'm putting you on the bench. 828 00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:39,780 I'm always on the bench. 829 00:58:39,880 --> 00:58:42,179 Well, that isn't what I mean. 830 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:45,219 Come with me. 831 00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:56,979 Midfielder or striker? 832 00:58:57,920 --> 00:59:00,980 Oh, er, I haven't thought about that yet. 833 00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:02,860 I'm not as quick as I was. 834 00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:04,540 Oh, I daresay. 835 00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:08,340 But the first two yards are in the head, eh, boss? 836 00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:09,339 Exactly. 837 00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:13,339 Don't be late, Baldwin. 838 00:59:15,080 --> 00:59:16,579 No, boss. 839 00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:18,939 I'll be there. 840 00:59:59,920 --> 01:00:01,419 Hiya, Mum. 841 01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:06,340 I see you've had a shave. That's something. 842 01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:07,460 Aye. 843 01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:10,100 I've done all your errands and all. 844 01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:11,380 Have you now? 845 01:00:11,480 --> 01:00:13,700 Can't have everything, I suppose. 846 01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:15,340 Skimmed milk. 847 01:00:15,440 --> 01:00:17,500 Because it's good for your faulty ticker. 848 01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:19,020 Rice pudding. 849 01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:20,020 Bananas. 850 01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:24,140 The apples are tough on your dentures at this time of year. 851 01:00:24,240 --> 01:00:26,420 And a packet of Immodium for your... 852 01:00:26,520 --> 01:00:29,139 My indigestion, thank you. 853 01:00:29,800 --> 01:00:31,579 Well, well, well. 854 01:00:32,040 --> 01:00:34,419 You could do it after all. 855 01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:38,739 I met Ken Dodd again last week. 856 01:00:39,520 --> 01:00:41,779 He's a very good friend of mine. 857 01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:49,779 The woman that runs it, this place, like 858 01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:54,980 she wants me to come in as Nello the clown tomorrow. So I will. 859 01:00:55,080 --> 01:00:57,620 That'll cheer everyone up. 860 01:00:57,720 --> 01:01:03,220 I asked her if I could bring you a canary and she said certainly. 861 01:01:03,320 --> 01:01:05,460 I'll fetch you one in. 862 01:01:05,560 --> 01:01:07,579 You're a good lad, Neil. 863 01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:13,419 You know that business where you wanted to be a vicar? 864 01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:16,820 That's all water under the bridge now, mum. 865 01:01:16,920 --> 01:01:20,660 I didn't want to be bothered with doing a degree and what have you. 866 01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:22,460 I know, son, but... 867 01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:26,260 I didn't want you thinking that I didn't think you could do anything you wanted. 868 01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:28,139 Anything at all. 869 01:01:31,840 --> 01:01:34,499 I'm playing for Stoke City tonight. 870 01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:46,979 Come on, Mum. It's only a testimonial. 871 01:01:52,160 --> 01:01:53,860 Don't go just yet. 872 01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:55,940 No, I won't. 873 01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:58,859 Stay and hold my hand a while, eh? 874 01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:00,739 Course. 875 01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:13,420 They used to call me Holy Mary, you know. 876 01:02:13,520 --> 01:02:16,059 I know, Mum. I know. 877 01:02:18,120 --> 01:02:20,779 I'm very proud of you. 878 01:02:49,320 --> 01:02:52,019 Nello. Go and warm up. 879 01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:12,779 Nello! Nello! Nello! 880 01:03:33,320 --> 01:03:35,539 Paddy, get over here! 881 01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:38,340 I'm going to bring Nello on, right? 882 01:03:38,440 --> 01:03:41,179 When he gets in the penalty area, everybody get out. 883 01:03:41,520 --> 01:03:43,060 Let him score, ok? 884 01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:45,740 Now, tell our lads, and tell the Villa lads too. 885 01:03:45,840 --> 01:03:47,100 Alright, boss. 886 01:03:47,200 --> 01:03:49,699 Nello, get over here. You're going on. 887 01:03:51,360 --> 01:03:55,500 Now, just hang about in the penalty area, alright? 888 01:03:55,600 --> 01:03:57,700 And cause them problems. 889 01:03:57,800 --> 01:03:59,740 How do I do that? 890 01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:03,140 Well you're causing me a problem just looking at you so it shouldn't be too hard. 891 01:04:03,240 --> 01:04:03,940 Ok, boss. 892 01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:07,020 Anything comes near you, you hit it. Alright? 893 01:04:07,120 --> 01:04:09,020 Right-o, like a brick out-house? 894 01:04:09,120 --> 01:04:11,660 No, no, I mean the ball, not the other players. 895 01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:12,700 Alright. 896 01:04:12,800 --> 01:04:13,859 Hey. 897 01:04:15,120 --> 01:04:16,860 Score one for your mum, Nello. 898 01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:17,620 Ok? 899 01:04:17,720 --> 01:04:19,739 Ok, yeah. She'll like that. 900 01:04:20,000 --> 01:04:21,500 Good luck, Nello! 901 01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:23,060 Well played, Thumper. 902 01:04:23,160 --> 01:04:26,659 It's Bomber. Like a plane or something. Not Thumper! 903 01:04:39,400 --> 01:04:41,540 This really happened, by the way. 904 01:04:41,640 --> 01:04:42,540 Did it? 905 01:04:42,640 --> 01:04:45,259 Yeah it actually did. How could I let the fans down? 906 01:05:48,720 --> 01:05:50,900 Did it really happen like that? 907 01:05:51,000 --> 01:05:52,779 No. 908 01:05:55,920 --> 01:05:57,900 Come on, Nello. Cheer up, mate. 909 01:05:58,000 --> 01:05:59,580 It's only a fucking testimonial. 910 01:05:59,680 --> 01:06:03,139 I think it must have hit a bobble before I hit it. 911 01:06:38,560 --> 01:06:40,179 Sorry I let you down, boss. 912 01:06:41,000 --> 01:06:42,139 What? 913 01:06:42,440 --> 01:06:44,820 - When did you let me down? - Tonight. 914 01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:47,420 After I slipped my marker. 915 01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:49,620 I should've buried it. 916 01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:51,660 I don't think slipping your marker was the problem, Neil. 917 01:06:51,760 --> 01:06:53,499 I think maybe when you fell over. 918 01:06:53,960 --> 01:06:55,380 The first time? 919 01:06:55,480 --> 01:06:58,539 Well, to be honest, I don't think the second time helped either. 920 01:06:59,360 --> 01:07:01,540 I skived the shot a bit, didn't I? 921 01:07:01,640 --> 01:07:02,780 Aye, just a wee bit. 922 01:07:02,880 --> 01:07:04,980 I think the ball's still rising now. 923 01:07:05,080 --> 01:07:07,380 I think Jodrell Bank has just picked it up. 924 01:07:07,480 --> 01:07:09,699 Must've hit a bobble. 925 01:07:10,120 --> 01:07:12,180 Blinking groundsmen. 926 01:07:12,280 --> 01:07:13,700 Happens to the best of us. 927 01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:15,660 I wouldn't let it worry you. 928 01:07:15,760 --> 01:07:17,339 All the best, boss. 929 01:07:18,480 --> 01:07:20,459 It was you, by the way. 930 01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:23,299 What was? 931 01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:28,939 Remember when you asked me who the best signing I'd ever made was? 932 01:07:29,840 --> 01:07:31,179 It was you, mate. 933 01:07:31,720 --> 01:07:33,539 No contest. 934 01:08:10,160 --> 01:08:12,260 - Neil. - You hadn't forgotten, had you? 935 01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:15,540 I said I'd come as Nello, and I did. 936 01:08:15,640 --> 01:08:18,220 I bought a canary too. 937 01:08:18,320 --> 01:08:21,020 It's not part of the act, it's for my mum. 938 01:08:21,120 --> 01:08:24,179 Could you come into the office for a minute, duck? 939 01:08:32,920 --> 01:08:35,299 It was very peaceful. 940 01:08:37,120 --> 01:08:38,540 Yes. 941 01:08:38,640 --> 01:08:40,740 She died in her sleep. 942 01:08:40,840 --> 01:08:43,379 And she died proud of you. 943 01:08:44,520 --> 01:08:47,499 We went in this morning and found her. 944 01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:51,739 This morning? 945 01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:53,859 That's right. 946 01:08:54,200 --> 01:08:56,539 I rang this morning. 947 01:08:57,240 --> 01:08:59,820 We wanted to tell you in person. 948 01:08:59,920 --> 01:09:02,219 We thought it was better that way. 949 01:09:06,400 --> 01:09:09,299 She didn't want me to leave. 950 01:09:10,400 --> 01:09:12,339 Last night. 951 01:09:13,200 --> 01:09:18,059 When I had to get my bus, she... she didn't want me to leave. 952 01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:43,499 - Morning. - Hiya. 953 01:10:50,000 --> 01:10:55,059 There aren't many mums who'd let their sons run off to join the circus. 954 01:10:55,560 --> 01:10:57,859 But my mum did. 955 01:10:58,320 --> 01:11:04,900 And she used to worry about my weight and she tried to give me salad. 956 01:11:05,000 --> 01:11:07,540 But she meant well. 957 01:11:07,640 --> 01:11:10,700 And after my dad died 958 01:11:10,800 --> 01:11:13,140 we were a team. 959 01:11:13,240 --> 01:11:15,100 Like Stoke City. 960 01:11:15,200 --> 01:11:16,980 We were a team. 961 01:11:17,080 --> 01:11:18,900 And she worried about me. 962 01:11:19,000 --> 01:11:22,220 And she didn't have to worry about me. 963 01:11:22,320 --> 01:11:25,019 But she did anyway. 964 01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:28,420 And she taught me good manners. 965 01:11:28,520 --> 01:11:32,219 And that it's good to be nice to people. 966 01:11:33,040 --> 01:11:35,859 And that's what I try to be. 967 01:11:47,880 --> 01:11:50,980 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. 968 01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:57,859 Thank you for coming. 969 01:12:01,240 --> 01:12:03,660 Anything you need, Neil, call me. 970 01:12:03,760 --> 01:12:06,260 I'm doing well, though, aren't I? 971 01:12:06,360 --> 01:12:08,340 You're doing very well, yes. 972 01:12:08,440 --> 01:12:11,779 I suppose I've got time for the choir now. 973 01:12:12,280 --> 01:12:13,740 Why not? 974 01:12:13,840 --> 01:12:15,300 You ok for a lift? 975 01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:17,299 You're coming with me, aren't you? 976 01:12:17,640 --> 01:12:18,860 Am I? 977 01:12:18,960 --> 01:12:20,860 Oh... right! 978 01:12:20,960 --> 01:12:23,619 Mary would have loved the service today. 979 01:12:23,840 --> 01:12:26,739 I'm doing well, though, aren't I? 980 01:12:27,120 --> 01:12:28,620 You are, Neil. 981 01:12:28,720 --> 01:12:30,219 You really are. 982 01:12:35,160 --> 01:12:43,020 (SINGING) ...in pastures green he leadeth me 983 01:12:43,120 --> 01:12:49,659 the quiet waters by. 984 01:12:51,040 --> 01:12:59,220 My soul he doth restore again 985 01:12:59,320 --> 01:13:06,099 and me to walk doth make 986 01:13:07,280 --> 01:13:14,980 within the paths of righteousness 987 01:13:15,080 --> 01:13:21,419 e'en for His own name's sake. 988 01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:31,020 E'en though I walk in death's dark vale 989 01:13:31,120 --> 01:13:36,379 there will I feel no ill 990 01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:42,139 for Thou art with me... 991 01:13:42,240 --> 01:13:44,979 How much did you say it was? 992 01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:47,899 £8.27. 993 01:13:51,120 --> 01:13:53,179 Is Doris not in? 994 01:13:54,240 --> 01:14:01,539 SINGING My table Thou has furnished 995 01:14:02,320 --> 01:14:08,939 in presence of my foes. 996 01:14:09,920 --> 01:14:17,420 My head Thou dost with oil anoint 997 01:14:17,520 --> 01:14:23,859 and my cup overflows. 998 01:14:25,720 --> 01:14:27,020 Neil! 999 01:14:27,120 --> 01:14:28,579 Neil. 1000 01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:31,979 - Are you going already? - Yes. 1001 01:14:33,080 --> 01:14:36,580 - How are you coping? - I'm coping well, yes. 1002 01:14:36,680 --> 01:14:39,179 I'm doing well, aren't I? 1003 01:15:17,400 --> 01:15:18,980 That's it. 1004 01:15:19,080 --> 01:15:20,699 In you go. 1005 01:15:21,880 --> 01:15:23,739 In you go. That's it. 1006 01:15:25,880 --> 01:15:27,539 Say hello. 1007 01:15:28,680 --> 01:15:30,540 Sorry. Excuse me. 1008 01:15:30,640 --> 01:15:32,459 Sorry. 1009 01:15:56,000 --> 01:15:57,700 How've you been keeping? 1010 01:15:57,800 --> 01:16:00,900 I'm doing well, everybody says. 1011 01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:03,179 I've brought you a bit of shopping. 1012 01:16:03,680 --> 01:16:05,219 Thanks. 1013 01:16:06,840 --> 01:16:09,340 I'm a bit worried about you, to be honest. 1014 01:16:09,440 --> 01:16:12,419 Haven't seen you at the match the last three home games. 1015 01:16:12,760 --> 01:16:14,900 I've been busy. 1016 01:16:15,000 --> 01:16:16,260 Right. 1017 01:16:16,360 --> 01:16:18,979 - Life goes on. - Right. 1018 01:16:22,480 --> 01:16:24,980 And I'm doing well. 1019 01:16:25,080 --> 01:16:26,939 So you keep saying. 1020 01:16:31,520 --> 01:16:33,179 How are the birds doing? 1021 01:16:33,880 --> 01:16:35,340 They're doing well, yeah. 1022 01:16:35,440 --> 01:16:37,459 Is that a new one? The white one? 1023 01:16:37,840 --> 01:16:39,820 It's a budgie from Zippo's. 1024 01:16:39,920 --> 01:16:41,780 Norman Barrett give it me. 1025 01:16:41,880 --> 01:16:45,700 It used to be part of his act but it's retired now. 1026 01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:49,899 Bloody hell, Neil. Even your budgies are celebrities. 1027 01:16:53,440 --> 01:16:55,780 Right. Freshers week starts on Monday. 1028 01:16:55,880 --> 01:16:59,260 You've got to get down there, snap up the good players for Neil Baldwin FC. 1029 01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:04,539 I don't know if I'll bother this time. My hip's been playing me up. 1030 01:17:05,080 --> 01:17:07,860 You know your mum would want you to get out there, don't you? 1031 01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:09,540 Doing what you're best at. 1032 01:17:09,640 --> 01:17:11,579 Meeting people and that. 1033 01:17:12,040 --> 01:17:14,380 She would. That's true. 1034 01:17:14,480 --> 01:17:16,220 No time like the present. 1035 01:17:16,320 --> 01:17:18,859 I don't know about that. 1036 01:17:21,920 --> 01:17:24,539 I've heard the Union are doing 2-for-1 hot dogs... 1037 01:17:27,360 --> 01:17:30,539 Does that include onions? 1038 01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:33,859 I should imagine so, yeah. 1039 01:18:36,120 --> 01:18:37,180 Neil! 1040 01:18:37,280 --> 01:18:39,020 What are you doing here, this time of night? 1041 01:18:39,120 --> 01:18:40,659 Waiting for my lift. 1042 01:18:41,080 --> 01:18:42,779 Looks like they forgot. 1043 01:18:43,200 --> 01:18:44,939 Come on. 1044 01:18:58,040 --> 01:19:00,300 You shouldn't be hanging around on your own at this time of night. 1045 01:19:00,400 --> 01:19:03,700 I wasn't hanging around, I was waiting for a lift. 1046 01:19:03,800 --> 01:19:05,420 Which didn't come! 1047 01:19:05,520 --> 01:19:07,539 No, but you did. 1048 01:19:08,480 --> 01:19:11,099 What would you have done if I hadn't turned up? 1049 01:19:11,520 --> 01:19:13,780 You did turn up, though, didn't you? 1050 01:19:13,880 --> 01:19:15,779 I know. But what if I hadn't? 1051 01:19:16,760 --> 01:19:18,979 Somebody would've turned up. 1052 01:19:19,200 --> 01:19:22,860 You can't go through life relying on something just turning up. 1053 01:19:22,960 --> 01:19:23,900 Yes you can. 1054 01:19:24,000 --> 01:19:27,099 Well, I can, anyway. 1055 01:19:32,120 --> 01:19:33,740 Hiya, Gary? 1056 01:19:33,840 --> 01:19:37,980 You don't actually know me, but I'm calling on behalf of Neil Baldwin. 1057 01:19:38,080 --> 01:19:39,180 He's a very good friend of mine 1058 01:19:39,280 --> 01:19:42,140 and I just wondered if you'd be kind enough to do us a huge favour... 1059 01:19:42,240 --> 01:19:43,500 When do we play? 1060 01:19:43,600 --> 01:19:46,740 Training every Sunday, matches Wednesday afternoon. 1061 01:19:46,840 --> 01:19:48,380 Right. Well, I play central midfield. 1062 01:19:48,480 --> 01:19:50,940 Oh, you play where I tell you to play. 1063 01:19:51,040 --> 01:19:52,900 I had trials for Macclesfield Town. 1064 01:19:53,000 --> 01:19:57,059 The problem is, son, I play central midfield. 1065 01:19:58,240 --> 01:20:00,099 This is a wind-up, right? 1066 01:20:00,400 --> 01:20:02,380 I'm just the club president, son. 1067 01:20:02,480 --> 01:20:04,300 It's the gaffer who makes the decisions. 1068 01:20:04,400 --> 01:20:05,020 See. 1069 01:20:05,120 --> 01:20:06,299 Right. 1070 01:20:09,160 --> 01:20:10,420 Thanks a lot. 1071 01:20:10,520 --> 01:20:12,459 - Yeah, thanks. - See you at the weekend. 1072 01:20:17,960 --> 01:20:19,540 You, young man. 1073 01:20:19,640 --> 01:20:20,940 This is a ball. 1074 01:20:21,040 --> 01:20:26,180 All you've got to do is stick that in the back of the net. It's that simple. 1075 01:20:26,280 --> 01:20:27,300 Neil. 1076 01:20:27,400 --> 01:20:28,820 We're only playing the Christian Union. 1077 01:20:28,920 --> 01:20:30,060 That's part of the problem. 1078 01:20:30,160 --> 01:20:32,739 They've got the Lord on their side. 1079 01:20:33,160 --> 01:20:34,739 You going to finish that pasty? 1080 01:20:37,640 --> 01:20:39,460 Fitness problem, you have. 1081 01:20:39,560 --> 01:20:41,779 I'm going to come on in the second half. 1082 01:20:43,800 --> 01:20:46,899 And play centre midfield. 1083 01:20:47,240 --> 01:20:49,500 Eh, I played for Stoke City. 1084 01:20:49,600 --> 01:20:51,100 Let's never forget that. 1085 01:20:51,200 --> 01:20:52,740 No, I don't suppose anybody ever will. 1086 01:20:52,840 --> 01:20:54,340 I thought you said you'd got a ref. 1087 01:20:54,440 --> 01:20:55,820 He'll be here. 1088 01:20:55,920 --> 01:20:58,739 Oh, it's not that lad from Islamic Soc, is it? 1089 01:20:59,360 --> 01:21:01,700 It looks like a strong wind would blow that guy over. 1090 01:21:01,800 --> 01:21:03,580 Premiership quality this time. 1091 01:21:03,680 --> 01:21:04,820 Oh, right, premiership? 1092 01:21:04,920 --> 01:21:06,179 Hi, Neil! 1093 01:21:06,440 --> 01:21:07,580 Uriah! 1094 01:21:07,680 --> 01:21:09,620 - How are you? - Alright, Uriah. 1095 01:21:09,720 --> 01:21:11,300 Good to see you. 1096 01:21:11,400 --> 01:21:14,021 This is Uriah Rennie, everyone. Uriah Rennie. 1097 01:21:14,121 --> 01:21:15,380 - Hi. - Alright, mate? 1098 01:21:15,480 --> 01:21:17,460 - Alright, Uriah? - I'm good, mate. How are you? 1099 01:21:17,560 --> 01:21:19,139 Good to see you. 1100 01:21:19,640 --> 01:21:21,300 It's Uriah Rennie. 1101 01:21:21,400 --> 01:21:28,060 (SINGING) Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. 1102 01:21:28,160 --> 01:21:34,859 Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink. 1103 01:21:35,240 --> 01:21:41,179 The years go by as quickly as a wink. 1104 01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:47,939 Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think! 1105 01:21:49,080 --> 01:21:54,779 You worry when the weather's cold, you worry when it's hot. 1106 01:21:55,720 --> 01:22:02,099 You worry when you're doing well, you worry when you're not. 1107 01:22:02,320 --> 01:22:08,579 It's worry, worry, all the time, you don't know how to laugh! 1108 01:22:08,840 --> 01:22:15,299 You'll think of something funny when they write your epitaph. 1109 01:22:15,680 --> 01:22:20,899 Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think... 1110 01:22:21,640 --> 01:22:24,019 - Take it again, you're off your line. - What? There is no line! 1111 01:22:25,360 --> 01:22:27,019 Right, I'm booking it for this end. 1112 01:22:29,400 --> 01:22:35,739 (SINGING) ...The years go by as quickly as a wink. 1113 01:22:36,200 --> 01:22:42,339 Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think! 1114 01:22:53,120 --> 01:22:55,940 (COMMENTARY) Good one-two... And a good shot! What a goal! 1115 01:22:56,040 --> 01:22:57,459 What a goal! 1116 01:23:09,520 --> 01:23:12,259 Nello! Nello! Nello! 1117 01:23:24,840 --> 01:23:27,739 Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass. 1118 01:23:28,360 --> 01:23:30,860 Taking the five loaves and the two fish 1119 01:23:30,960 --> 01:23:34,219 he looked up to heaven and blessed... 1120 01:23:34,360 --> 01:23:39,139 and broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples. 1121 01:23:40,640 --> 01:23:43,339 And the disciples gave them to the crowds. 1122 01:23:43,760 --> 01:23:46,619 And all ate and were filled. 1123 01:23:47,560 --> 01:23:51,259 One of my favourites, feeding of the five thousand. 1124 01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:53,819 Now, why doesn't that surprise me, Neil? 1125 01:23:55,040 --> 01:23:58,539 Never trust a man who doesn't like his food. 1126 01:24:00,280 --> 01:24:02,100 I'm glad you enjoyed the sermon. 1127 01:24:02,200 --> 01:24:05,019 I always enjoyed your sermons. 1128 01:24:05,240 --> 01:24:08,099 That's why I told you you'd make Bishop one day. 1129 01:24:08,920 --> 01:24:12,580 It was like the first time I saw Mark Stein. 1130 01:24:12,680 --> 01:24:14,660 I knew he was special too. 1131 01:24:14,760 --> 01:24:15,780 Mark Stein? 1132 01:24:15,880 --> 01:24:18,899 33 goals in 57 matches. 1133 01:24:20,720 --> 01:24:22,619 I made you a card. 1134 01:24:27,360 --> 01:24:29,460 To say well done, like. 1135 01:24:29,560 --> 01:24:31,259 Thank you, Neil. 1136 01:24:34,520 --> 01:24:35,899 Thank you. 1137 01:24:36,920 --> 01:24:38,419 That means a lot. 1138 01:24:40,000 --> 01:24:41,979 And I've got a cockatoo. 1139 01:24:42,400 --> 01:24:44,940 Oh, no presents. I insist. 1140 01:24:45,040 --> 01:24:46,419 - The card is more than enough. - No, no, no. 1141 01:24:47,280 --> 01:24:49,860 The cockatoo is for me. 1142 01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:52,620 Fossett's Circus give it me. 1143 01:24:52,720 --> 01:24:57,219 It's got something wrong with its foot so it's not cut out for show business. 1144 01:24:58,240 --> 01:25:01,539 It lands on my head every night, without fail. 1145 01:25:03,480 --> 01:25:07,500 He said he give it me because he knew I'd look after it, and I will. 1146 01:25:07,600 --> 01:25:09,100 I'm sure you will. 1147 01:25:09,200 --> 01:25:12,059 Your mum always said you had a real knack for looking after animals. 1148 01:25:14,000 --> 01:25:16,939 She was proud of me, you know. My mum. 1149 01:25:17,600 --> 01:25:19,339 She was, Neil. 1150 01:25:20,920 --> 01:25:22,699 She was indeed. 1151 01:25:29,880 --> 01:25:32,220 Can you drop me off on the way? 1152 01:25:32,320 --> 01:25:33,780 Well, it's not really on my way. 1153 01:25:33,880 --> 01:25:36,380 It is if you go that way to drop me off. 1154 01:25:36,480 --> 01:25:38,939 Yes, of course, of course. 1155 01:25:45,400 --> 01:25:50,059 Can we stop off at the Co-op? I've got a spot of shopping to do. 1156 01:25:51,400 --> 01:25:53,059 Why not? 1157 01:25:53,280 --> 01:25:54,779 Why not. 1158 01:25:57,440 --> 01:26:00,299 (SINGING) One Neil Baldwin! 1159 01:26:01,160 --> 01:26:03,979 There's only one Neil Baldwin! 1160 01:26:05,360 --> 01:26:08,819 One Neil Baldwin! etc. 1161 01:27:06,400 --> 01:27:08,999 ...One Neil Baldwin! 1162 01:27:09,000 --> 01:27:11,499 There's only one Neil Baldwin!