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[Johnny Carson] My uh...
... the next guest is a young comedian < br /> made his debut on The Tonight Show.
He came from New York City.
He worked many small clubs, both in New York and Los Angeles.
Welcome to it; Jerry Seinfeld.
[Jerry Seinfeld] In the mid 70's in New York,
There were only two places < br /> You can even see new comedians.
A stand-up comedian is just a new action.
They will have it in front of a singer or band rock,
and just to be like that is the noblest dream of my life.
That's all I want.
And that's funny , but I really sat on the ledge
when I decide to make that jump,
here.
And this is the right place.
["Inky Dinky Wang Dang Doo" plays ]
♪ Inky drone wang dang doo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪
♪ Baby, honey I love you ♪ </ p >
♪ Inky zigzag dinky zoo ♪
♪ Oh, girl, I focus on you ♪
♪ Inky zoo zing zang oo ♪ ♪
♪ I want a kiss from your lips ♪
♪ Inky dinky dang dang doo... ♪
You are a good group. Are you ready for the show?
Yes? OK, good for you Great.
He started here uh... as one of the regular visitors to The Comic Strip
returned in the summer of 1976
Let's welcome him back home.
Jerry Seinfeld!
[cheering and clapping]
♪ Zingy zangy zing zang zow ♪
♪ Sweet darling, and I must have it What you love now... ♪
[cheering]
Are you kidding me?
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. It's nice to be here.
I can't believe I came back here.
This is true- really great. Thank you.
Thank you very much. How do you like jackets?
[cheering]
Yes, this is my favorite jacket.
This is a special night and I want to wear my special jacket,
because I returned to Comic Strip,
which I started my entire career -
here, at this stage
[cheering]
And I will tell you the whole story.
I will tell you how everything happened.
I live in Massapequa.
I was born in Brooklyn.
That's my house.
And then my parents moved to Massapequa, which is an Indian name.
That means "by mall."
[laughter]
Even native Americans can feel ,
once Jews and Italians come out here...
Brick and mortar retailers will be destroyed.
Let's lose teepees. These people need a parking space.
[laughter and applause]
So we moved from the city to Long Island
You didn't live on Long Island, you live in Long Island. </ P>
If you live in the city, People ask you, "Where do you live?" </ P>
You go, "We live in the city. "
You don't live in the city
[laughter]
But if you move out of town...
You are in it now. Now if you go out, you will be on this island.
[laughter]
Long Island & apos; s is not wrong one place you...
You can't enter it. Nothing...
No one can enter You only stay on it.
[laughter]
My parents will say, "Jerry, we will go to the city today, so be prepared."
We will enter. "
" We will take the train. "
We don't take the train.
You take the train,
Even though you see the train, there isn't anyone in it
You never see anyone on a train.
But that's how you talk. If You want To stay here, this is how you talk.
"We will take the train." Why did you ride the train?
Why?
So you can get down from it!
"Get off the train!
Here we stop! "
[laughter]
" We have to take a taxi. "
You don't take a taxi.
You are on the train, but you don't take a taxi
You get into a taxi.
Why are you in a taxi?
So you can get out!
"You have to get out of...
Here. Get out of the taxi. Here. "
" Why are you still in a taxi? Get out of the taxi. "
[laughter]
"Okay, Jerry, what about Uber? What did you do with Uber?"
That's new. </ p >
Do you understand? No.
Above it? No.
No? No.
What did you do with Uber?
- [man] you took it - [man] you got it
No no.
You just take it
You take it! You bring Uber!
[laughter]
Because there is no money!
This, like, is free. I don't even know how it works.
Do we even pay for it?
[laughter]
I think it's just a free thing, come with a phone
Whenever you like...
A small cartoon car, they go wherever you are want
"How did you get here?" "We took Uber.
I don't know, we just..."
This like M & Ms in a bowl, you just take them.
Take whatever you want
[laughter]
And uh so I come here
and I auditioned at this stage,
and the small sign-up sheet is outside,
I wrote with a little of mine " Jerry Seinfeld. "</ P>
You know, it's just the address of my parents,
and "action type: comedian."
"Special requirements? No."
[laughter]
And I only have one successful joke...
[laughter]
... what I will do for you right now.
And... </ p >
[cheering and applause]
If you ever thought for yourself
that you might want to comedy someday,
This is not your way do it.
Don't ever say, "I'll tell you your joke now."
[laughter]
So, I'm left-handed.
>
Left-handed people don't like
that the word "left" is so often related to negative things.
Two left legs, left-handed praise. </ p >
"What do we eat dinner?" "Time."
You go to a party, there is no one there. "Where did everyone go?" "They left."
[laughter]
[applause]
That's all.
That was my first joke.
[cheered]
[laughs]
p>
And that was a pretty good joke,
and uh they passed me at the audition,
and I started here every night.
So, I grew up in the 60s,
and I see a lot of beautiful ones young people here tonight,
enjoy your life uh...
unlimited potential and opportunities.
[laughter]
Because you are young and your life is still in front of you,
You don't even have a childhood.
You don't have anything
[laughter]
You have trash compared to what we have in the 60s.
And you know why? Your parents noticed you, okay?
They were interested in you.
My parents , our parents, they don't even know our names, okay?
They don't know anything, they are negligent, they check-out
We grow like wild dogs in the 60s! </ P>
[laughter]
There is no nutrition. </ P>
There is no... knowledge of nutrition,
education, security.
Can you imagine the world I am describing?
[laughter]
There are no helmets, no seat belts,
there are no restrictions
Anything stops,
we just fly in the air.
[laughter and applause]
I eat 100% sugar,
or air.
[laughter]
It was my childhood.
My parents, they don't know where is my school,
they know what the value is me,
they don't know where I am.
I am like a raccoon to my parents.
You know there is one around,
but no one has tracked true existence
[laughter]
I will get up from bed
and I will do a swan dive
to Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes,
Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Sugar Pops.
[laughter]
I get a little right head light Now, actually, just think about it.
That's amazing, and that's good -
we escaped with murder!
Cereal is alive - it's ballsy, huh?
That is ballsy's name, I always think.
"Life"!
"What will we call this? What about Oaties? Squari?"
"Oh no, this is much bigger than that."
[laughter]
"This is Life, I say!"
"This is life ! "
What is another name How about Almighty God? Why don't we call it that?
Who doesn't want to wake up </ p >
to a big bowl of God Almighty?
Or the Almighty God with raisins.
And if you don't like it, you can go to hell
[laughter]
So the beauty of time, okay?
Parents, for some reason, do not know or are not interested
And that's good until the Crisp Cookie people come
and blow the lid off overall racket.
[laughter]
There's always someone pushing Good things are a little too far away.
Cookies Crisp.
[laughter]
If you don't know what this is, this is cereal...
This is not like cookies,
cake
[laughter]
A bowl of chocolate chip cookies!
[laughter]
This cereal should be called Hell With Everything! </ P>
[laughter]
Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner, bacon and cigarettes among them. That's...
That's the Cookie Crisp health plan.
[laughter]
I like a Good Humor guy. I will wait for it.
That is another great thing in life, people who are...
You hear the little bell, and the white truck,
and the little white coat, and we'll do it Stand behind the truck,
and all the ice different cream that you can be behind the truck,
placed just above the exhaust pipe.
[laughter]
If you have a Dixie Cup , it's equivalent
Smoking a pack of camels.
[laughter]
No one cares!
This is the right time!
[laughs]
[movie projector is spinning]
[Jerry] There is no drama in my life,
or in my family, or in my world.
Will I be funny if I grew up in Peoria
at a brothel, raised by a prostitute?
Right.
But here's I have to handle.
My parents are very good, Betty and Kal.
I have a great sister, Carolyn. That is a family well.
But I always feel, like, "Can you leave me alone?"
The first thing I've ever said - My first words is, "Leave me alone."
I used to knock on a lamp or something, and they used to say, "Just leave it."
And then, one day, I shout back,
"Leave me alone."
I just don't want anything normal.
I just don't want something normal.
I just thought, "That world that these people live in is very boring",
and I want to be in a more pleasant place. "
[laughter]
I have ten o'clock glasses, braces at age 12.
I said to my parents," Don't stop right now. "
What about hearing aids, orthopedic shoes?"
[laughter]
"I'm thinking of talking to a girl for the first time in my life. "
I want a lot of corrective equipment in my head like I might be able to.
" I think that's what women like. " / p>
[laughter]
I have yo-yo. I-I like that.
Yo-yo that's pretty good
That is one of my good toys.
I can do yo-yo pretty well.
And I read about yo-yo
and found yo-yo originally created as weapons in the Philippines.
What's interesting and unclear information.
It's hard to imagine Filipinos fighting with yo-yo.
The plane fly low above the enemy village,
they lean out the door...
[click tongue]
[laughter]
" I think I got the police chief. "</ P>
[laughter]
But I don't have...
You know, there is no Chuck E. Cheese /> and Toys "R" Us.
Nothing.
So, you know, you just did it whatever your parents did
Wherever they have to go, you know, I will go.
So, my mom wants to go to the wallpaper store,
that is my day, you know
And that is my mother's favorite store.
She love the giant wallpaper book.
He will read it, turn the page.
It's like the Koran.
[exhale]
Large He sees the patterns.
"Yes, I understand what they say."
[laughter]
[exhale]
And when you were little in this place, you can't really accept it.
You know, boredom is so strong,
very strong
[laughter]
When you are five years old and you are bored, you cannot support your weight.
You are right- right only... I will only...
I'll just go down. I have to go down.
[laughter]
I remember going to the bank with my parents,
and you don't even know what a bank is.
You just say, "Oh, I can't handle this. I don't even know what this is."
And I will lie down, flat.
Flat. Only...
"Sorry, Ma'am. There is nothing I can do. This place is very dull, I can't wake up." </ P>
[laughter]
p>
This is what I think is an adult.
Adulthood is the ability of to be completely bored
and stay standing
[laughter ]
You are in a long line somewhere, it doesn't matter.
I don't go to Disneyland, okay?
It's not... That won't happen. </ P>
My parents didn't take me...
thousands of miles to other states
so I could sit in a cup of tea.
[laughter]
My parents are orphans,
so the fact that I have a room with a bed, they are like,
"That's your trip, you can continue. "
[laughter]
" You're fine. "
And I'm fine.
Sometimes, outside this shop,
they will have, like, two red, metal horses on the sidewalk,
and that's pretty good. </ P>
If you can get ten cents and... It's not a ride.
You know, it's kind of a piece,
is just a fragment that escapes from a ride
p>
And it doesn't do anything It will make you go, "Whee!"
It will only grind forward and backward
[ imitate mechanical milling]
[laughter]
It feels like a grain elevator motor
with only two horses welded above.
[ imitate mechanical milling]
"Do we process soba or am at an amusement park here?"
[imitate mechanical milling]
[ laughter]
But instead of lying on the floor Bank, this is Space Mountain for me.
You know, I think that's good. I will go down. < br /> "Mom, it's fantastic!"
I feel 1,000% better.
I'm fresh, I'm calm.
[laughter]
>
[laughter]
about uh... what he will do with the living room
He will fix the living room, replace the living room
My mother will say, "You know, if you make one mirror room wall",
people think you have all the other rooms. "
[laughter]
They believe this.
What kind of idiot? walk to the mirror...
[laughter]
There is a man there it looks like me
[laughter]
And my parakeet will fall for this. < br /> I will let him out of his cage.
I always feel bad about being in a cage, so I will let him out,
and he will fly around, and he will go "bang,"
go directly to the mirror with its small head,
and it will hit the ground, then fly the other way,
is slightly tilted
[laughter]
But even if he thinks the mirror is another room,
why doesn't he just try and avoid hitting another parakeet?
[laughter]
Look!
What happened to bird's eyes?
There... There are other parakeets come right at you!
[laughter]
But I can't take childhood at some point You are bored with that
You really get... I can't build it one more balsa-wood glider. </ P>
[laughter]
Do you know what I want to do?
I want to do a little adults the behavior I will do with adults.
Like uh... I like the way adults check their pockets when I was little .
This is actually something I think as a child I like the way adults do this.
"Do you have it...?"
"I can't find the key.
Bill, do you have my key? I can't find the key."
When you are still small, if someone asks If you have something, you say, "No."
[laughter]
Whatever you have is in your hands.
"Are you sure?" You spread your fingers wider.
"No, I don't, I don't have it."
[laughter]
I want to destroy my appetite.
I'm tired of hearing it, "You will spoil your appetite."
"Destroy your appetite."
As adults, we understand even if you spoil your appetite,
there is another appetite comes right behind him
There is no danger < br /> run out of appetite
I can destroy 100, I still have thousands more.
[laughter]
Why am I so careful heart with each one? I have millions of appetites!
[laughter]
I want to mess up the thermostat -
That is another thing < br /> they won't let me get closer.
I don't know what the story is...
When I was a kid, "What's with what is that? Why can't I approach it? "</ P>
[laughter]
I even remember when my parents sat me down down to tell me birds, bees,
sexual relations, procreation
I like, "Yes, when < br> the thermostat goes in here? "
" That's the secret I'm waiting to find out. "
[laughter]
I don't touch thermostat until I'm 28 years old
[laughter]
I was in a hotel room in Pittsburgh
When I finally got the guts to make it a little warmer.
[laughter]
I didn't sleep all night.
I'm afraid my father will explode at the door.
>
"Who touched the thermostat here?"
[laughter]
"You know, I set it there for a reason."
[laughter]
[man] I recognize bookends.
- Are they always here, or is that... - No, I put them here That's mine
That is Superman. You know, I love Superman.
So this is...
This is Kal-El in Krypton.
You know he's there. He is in a rocket.
And there is his father, Jor-El, and his mother, Lara.
And then he entered the rocket,
and he landed...
Where did he land? Kansas?
- [man] Kansas - Kansas. </ P>
And he's there, and they've got it little Superman baby... there. </ P>
Yes, that's mine
- What's more? What is that? - Whose book is that?
They're just props. This is a show business.
I don't really live here. This isn't...
[ laughter]
You need to get out more.
I have every comedy album and every comedy you can get.
I do shows with this puppet When I was in third grade.
When I was a kid and a comedian came on TV,
Become obsessed with comedy feel very free,
because it doesn't have to be done with the real world
You know, Mad Magazine,
You will start reading it and you go,
"Well, these people don't respect anything
And that just explodes my head.
That's just, like , You don't need to buy it.
You could say, "It's stupid."
"It's stupid."
Then, one day, my friend's older brother told us there was this place in New York
where young people climb onto the stage and do stand-up comedy. </ P>
Unlike people on Ed Sullivan with tuxedos and cigars ,
only young, crazy people
As soon as I see this happening, that there is a world,
I go, "Oh, I want to be in that world. I don't want to be in the real world. "
So, I came to the city in 1976.
I told you that.
Uh... At that time, New York, a few difficult cities.
Uh... but definitely the best place,
In my opinion, for become a comedian,
because, first of all, everyone in New York is kind of funny.
I'm sure you all think you're funny.
[laughter]
That's why you like comedy - You feel you are quite funny yourself.
You might even think you can do what I do.
You think... "I'm interested in something else,"
But if I want, I can easily...
I can do it.
"I choose not to do it."
[laughter and applause]
And that is a good place to learn comedy,
because in New York You have to really have something
to make the audience laugh. </ P>
And at that moment,
New York did not go well like a city.
The city went bankrupt.
That was the same year they built Roosevelt Island Tramway.
I used to say, "Great, this city went bankrupt.
They put up a vehicle for us. "</ P>
[laughter]
" Maybe we will finally get it a rollercoaster in the South Bronx... "
will be the first rollercoaster
"where people scream in the flat part of the trip."
[laughter]
And that is my second joke <br
[cheering and clapping]
So I have a little left, I have a tram.
I roll over.
>
And I live in a small apartment on the west side,
and it's very small.
It's only 15 square feet.
It's not a joke. You know a New York apartment like that.
And I brought my little bed from my room
to sleep well
That's all I have. I don't care
I-I didn't plan it seriously get anywhere doing this, by the way.
I just like it and I want to do it.
So I live in that apartment.
Because I can't fix it or whatever, I will paint it a lot.
Every time I paint it, I think,
"Geez, it's a little smaller now."
And I realize it's only the thickness is from paint, but it goes in
It goes in
[laughter]
Finally, someone goes to come visit me, open the door,
there will only be a white block with an eye.
[laughter]
They will go, "Wow! That person painted that place a little too much. "
And uh...
So, there is no money. We appear here for free, by the way.
And the audience is packing.
Just like tonight, they pack to see us
In the 70s, we were hot new things -
stand-up comics, young people do this
So I'll come here in the middle of days and make hamburgers
They let us eat .
So I'm wearing a Strip Comic T-shirt.
I'll come here in the afternoon, make a hamburger,
and then I'll have one more, another hamburger at night
And I'm consuming about 30 pounds of minced meat a month
[the audience complains
I'm like a trained seal coming in here.
I just...
Just feed me, and I will come,
and only, "Street tram, a little left, good night," </ p >
and that, you know, that's it.
[laughter]
Someone gave me a shower radio as a gift for my apartment
I could just use the sofa. </ P>
Oh, radio shower, that's a nice gift. </ P>
There is no better place to dance than naked on the slippery surface next to the glass door
[laughter]
But I still feel that comedy culture,
I will call it, from New York City.
I feel it's still here.
So, I'm bright, and there's a guy crossing in front of my car,
and then the light changes.
Actually it's my turn to go. They are in front of the car. </ P>
New Yorkers, you know how they raise their elbows to pretend? </ P>
This is the impression someone is in a hurry ,
but they don't go faster.
Exactly the same speed.
This is what it looks like If I'm in a hurry, but I don't.
I'll just raise my elbow...
and do fake jogging.
[laughter]
Someone gives me a finger. ..
on the way, which I don't care about.
I don't understand Even why it's the finger.
Someone chose one of their fingers ,
they showed it to me,
I should feel bad.
[laughter]
Bad finger This is a good finger, isn't it?
[laughter]
I always try and remember, if I get this finger,
I'm one finger away from praise, so...
[laughter and applause]
... isn't that bad.
These road cleaning trucks in New York, as a point...
What kind of street theater is this absurdity?
Does anyone think this truck is cleaning... < /p>
[tawa]
... run ?!
Do they think they are cleaning the way?
Do they just laugh their butt in front...
"Hey, take all parked cars get away, everyone!"
[laughter]
"We have to make big, hard, annoying hissing sounds,"
Then leave a little trace of pee water comes out from behind...
"to complete our process of doing it completely."
[laughter]
"Wait until you see the Ninth Avenue after we're done. "</ P>
You will think you are rendering the architect...
"... walk past it a future natural wonders. "
If you walk on the street in New York and you step in gum,
and the gum is on your shoes for a few blocks,
whatever the gum takes,
That is the only cleansing of anything going on in New York City.
We live in filth!
[laughter]
We don't even care!
Sentences have never been heard in the history of New York City:
"Hey, why don't we get a new tent?" </ p >
[laughter]
[applause]
"We have six pounds from this one bird bullshit,
12 rips, 11 places where the metal frame appears. "
" It costs 200 dollars.
That's just the overall appearance of our entire business. "</ p >
"I don't think it's a good idea."
I think it's better
as a way for us to secretly reveal how much we hate ourselves
"and the stupidity of people It even goes here."
"Yeah, you're right, let's leave."
[laughter]
Just landed in LaGuardia last week.
Always uh... it's good there.
I like uh... I like high ceilings.
This is very good uh...
[laughter]
Can be lower, but I think that's good. It's good.
Named after the former mayor of New York, of course just, Fiorello H. La Guardia.
And I imagine that day was exciting enough In his life when he got the news,
when they came to his office and said,
"Mayor, we have decided we will go to name the new airport after you."
He left, "Really? Which one?" They go, "LaGuardia, in Grand Central."
"Oh, right, right. Yes, I've been there a million times."
[laughter]
I went through customs. The man asked me, "I have to go through the bag.
Do you drink alcohol, what plants?" > He really said, "What medicine?" </ P>
Is this an effective interrogation? </ P>
Does anyone go, "Bingo! You arrested me." </ P>
Oh my God. I didn't see the question coming. "
[laughter]
" Twenty kilos there.
You really I really made me feel off guard. "
New York in the 70s was a crime city, it was a police city,
it was a newspaper city.
I always liked < br> that whatever happens in this world,
somehow exactly matches the number of pages
they use in the newspaper that day.
Mereka tidak pernah kehabisan ruang.
They never have big blank spots where nothing happens
They are certain, in the end, "Get the paper before something happens." </ p >
That is another one that fits today.
"That's fantastic."
[laughter]
I like it when the police catch someone and they hit them with magic wands,
and they put them in handcuffs,
and they use chokehold on them.
But when they put it < br /> In the back seat of a police car,
they always put their hands on their heads.
"You don't want to hit your head on the edge of the door."
"That's really fierce. That's smart, you know?
Be careful."
[laughter]
Why are criminals and this mass murderer,
hijackers, psychopaths cover their faces
when are they transported?
What is this man's reputation that he has to worry about someone seeing him?
Is he dating fast?
Is he looking for a promotion in the corner of the office?
"Oh, if the person in my sales team sees me. .. "
[laughter]
... hijack Egypt Air 747
and throw corpses onto the runway one by one, </ p >
"I will never hear the end of it, I tell you."
"They will stab me in that break room. You don't know."
When they find the stun gun, I'm not sure what it is.
It feels like a gun that they love you with that,
and You just go, "Oh, God, I'm..."
[laughter]
"Are you okay?" "No, I'm fine.
Actually, I'm just stunned > that you will even use it on me. "
[laughter]
I want to know if you can customize it just" stunned "?
If you can reject it and just zap someone, and they go...
"Wow." </ P>
[laughter]
"You're good okay? " " No, I'm fine. Just... "
[laughter]
[applause]
"I was a little surprised." </ P>
When I was 21 years old, the idea of Being a comedian seemed impossible. </ P>
I lived at home. </ P>
I have a job a few blocks like that. </ P>
I'm firing a wall for $ 25 a day,
and I'll sit here and have lunch every day
And I remember thinking, "Even if I'm not good at it,"
if I can make enough for bread Bread a week, I can survive,
"and indeed the greatest life I can have."
Have you ever seen any insults on each roll of toilet paper? </ P>
Down at the bottom: "face quality." </ P>
[audience laughs]
I don't like that allusion. </ P>
What should I do with this? </ P>
And, yes, there is heckling and bombing,
and someone once throws a glass at me I was destroyed on stage.
I remember some people who were interested in physical combat.
Nothing bothered me.
I'm in comedy,
and it just feels like heaven.
You know, one of the big nights I have here
is my parents come to see me doing my show,
because I never...
For whatever reason, I am very ashamed of my parents
to show them this part of my personality.
So when I started doing this, you know, a little strange to them,
You know, when I told them , "I think I want to be a comedian," and they go...
"GOOD."
"You know, you never do something funny. "
[laughter]
So, finally, I bring them here,
and they sit there.
And I'm so nervous that night,
because I showed them The whole side of me.
It feels like when my little gay-closet, you know, where should I say,
"Mom, Dad, me...
I don't know how to tell you this, But I'm a funny person." </ P>
"And me. .. "
I don't want to feel shy that again, and...
" I want to live a funny lifestyle now. "
[laughter]
"I want to be with other funny people,
I want breakfast two o'clock in the afternoon."
[laughter]
And I came out.
[laughs]
And the others uh... met the girl in the bar out there
That's also new,
Because comedians sometimes have a little Difficulties in normal social situations.
I can do this, for some reason,
and I always... always feel comfortable doing what I do now
I can talk to you all,
but I can't talk to all of you.
[laughter]
I don't really understand that,
but I have talked a lot with others comedians who have the same thing.
So when you...
Come here and do a show,
and then you sit at the bar and the girl will talk to you
And that, like, extraordinary.
So that's why We never go to a place another.
[laughter]
Why don't you go? where someone might be able to see you
satu hal yang bisa kamu lakukan Itu agak keren?
So I started to have a relationship with women, watching them closely.
Uh... Especially their bathrooms - amazing little wonderlands.
I noticed that women need big
and a constant supply of cotton balls,
and men don't need anything. </ P>
I have never had a cotton ball all my life
I have never bought it,
is owned by one, it takes one.
I have never been in a situation where I have thought for myself,
"I can use a cotton ball right now."
[laughter]
"I can definitely get out of this mess."
Women need them. </ P>
Dan mereka tidak membutuhkan satu atau dua, mereka membutuhkan ribuan setiap hari.
They buy beanbag chairs filled with cotton balls -
Two days later, everything is up, they need more
They are on their way back to store.
The only time you've seen it is at the bottom of a small trash basket,
looks like they have a terrible experience
[laughter]
Tortured, interrogated - I don't know what you did to them.
Once, a woman left three cotton balls in my house
It took a year to use it.
Put one on the kitchen floor cockroaches to think it's tumbleweed,
Go, "This is the city is dead. Let's continue. "
[laughter and applause]
Or I go to the doctor.
Before he gives you an injection, give alcohol on your arm with a cotton ball,
I bring one of mine.
He goes for him, I go, /> "Maybe you can use this one." </ P>
[laughter]
Sometimes he will use it, take a penny from my bill
Give me the recipe, I bring it home, open the bottle,
There's another cotton ball there. </ P>
Cotton ball syndicate is always a step ahead.
[laughter]
But relationships contain tension.
That can't be avoided.
This is important, this is eternal.
All relationships, There is always a little agenda
is not enough to queue...
between those two right? relations you are in life,
Begitu juga setiap hubungan Anda berada dalam kehidupan,
There will be tension.
Just accept it
You ask any friend how their relationship works,
touch their faces is the first thing they do.
"What about Judy?" "Not bad."
[laughter]
"Yeah , we're fine. "
And the higher their faces go,
the worse the relationship is.
" I heard you had some problems. " "We have to do a few things."
"I heard you might break up." "Yeah, I can't go higher in my head!"
[ applause]
This is one of the things it takes time to learn.
Especially when you young people who have get everything happening in every other area </ p >
But you have to learn interest.
Strength of interest It takes a long time for men to understand.
For us, it seems, you know, like reckless things,
like things which is not important.
This is... This is the key!
[laughter]
If there is no interest,
Earth will be filled by men and lesbians.
That will happen.
[laughter]
Women with men to get interest.
That's what they want.
Men don't want flowers. Don't give male flowers.
"Oh, I have to take care of this now?"
[laughter]
"And what if they die? it's my fault I'm a bad person Good."
But a man walk on the road holding a bouquet of flowers,
He stars on the street.
There are no other men who want to be with a girl on the same path as that person.
Because you got that, "Look?"
[laughter]
"That's what I'm talking about."
[laughter]
Because he has flowers!
He could have his head cut off /> On the other hand, he doesn't realize it. </ P>
[laughter]
He might just defend himself. </ P>
[laughter]
That's why the florist doesn't really prepare what the man needs. </ P>
You just have to enter, You tell them what you did wrong,
they give you flowers for it, and you just move out of the back.
They need to make,
"All right, your youngest is not idiot "bouquet.
The, "Your career is also important" basket.
That will really help men.
[laughter]
I am engaged when 29 years old. Don't go through with it.
The date isn't good for me.
[laughter]
Must cancel.
No, that is one of those things. You know, many people go through it.
The word "engaged" is a very scary word.
I - I will change it if I am responsible for that
I don't know, woman, or anyone Come with that word, "get engaged." </ P>
I only saw giant teeth,
"Broken!"
"Involved," for me, I felt like I was the first rollercoaster hill, leave,
"Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click."
"Wow, this is running high."
"Click , click, click. " Above, they give you a ring and a piece of cake.
[scream]
" We are married! "
p>
[scream]
[laughter]
[chuckles]
The biggest step, I think, in a relationship did you decide to have children
I think you got to the point where everyone you know has been pretty much caught up to you.
You need to make someone new That don't know anything about you.
[laughter]
You need a relationship
where someone is impressed You know where the spoon is.
[laughter]
But, of course, they are adults, be smart and leave home.
That's why people get pets,
because dogs remain stupid.
>
[laughter]
They grow, they get older,
But they never catch anything.
Every time you go home,
>
he thought it was amazing
They went through a routine.
♪ He came back again! ♪
♪ That person with his food < br /> And the ball ♪
♪ This is the person ♪
"How do you know my house?"
[laughter and applause]
[chuckles]
I have a neighbor next door One day I actually have a pet monkey.
[laughter]
Chimpanzee And I think, > "Come on, man, you're very close." </ P>
[laughter]
I mean, if you need pets who can roller-skate and smoke cigars...
It's time to think about family.
[laughter]
What about men Men like something.
Build, fix, do things,
or be around other men who are building,
fix, or do something.
If a man being in his driveway doing something with tools,
every other person in the neighborhood is magnetically interested in this activity
by, like, some invisible power.
They just walked like zombies.
They went up to the window, They pulled the curtain back. </ p >
"I think Jim works on something there."
"I'd better go there."
[laughter]
They don't help that person. They just want to be in the area.
We want to be in that area where work is being done
We want to ask stupid questions to him .
"What are you using, Phillips's head is there?"
"Yes, it's a good screwdriver, Phillips." </ p >
[laughter]
You always want to block your pants when you talk about tools.
[laughter]
But this is why , when they have a construction location,
they have this wood panel fence surrounds it,
just to keep people out, so they can get work everyday.
They cut a small hole for us
so we can put our heads in. and see what is happening. </ P>
"Did he use Phillips?" "Yeah , it looks like there's Phillips down there.
That's a good screwdriver. "
[laughter]
This is where it is uh... right really give us home,
and we just...
locked on it, you know
For me, it really feel very Long Island, by the way.
- [Jimmy] Oh? - Because it's not cool, Manhattan.
So we fit in
Tujuh malam dalam seminggu, kami di sini.
Seven nights a week, for months and months and months at once.
You will spend all day getting ready for the sun to come down.
- Right, yes - right
Until the sun goes down, we don't exist.
Yes, it's so dark...
- [ Mark] That's right - "My life starts now." </ P>
And what if you walk in this door
and all your friends are here? </ P>
- [Jimmy] yeah - [Jerry] And there is an audience there. </ P>
That's amazing. </ P>
For me, it feels like high school without a school section
- [Jerry] yes! - You know?
And we are... the stars of the football team.
- That's right. - Right
None of us ever experienced something like that,
Socially, in our lives, before that time
You know, you have to be dysfunctional a social person to deal with this.
- You must desperate - Desperate.
Yes.
[laughter]
What else do you want to know?
- We have discussed a lot of things. - [man] What's wrong with Mets? </ P>
Now, no,
and no one cares
[laughter and applause]
[cheering]
Here's the problem about sports You have to understand, sir.
The whole concept of this team - Your team, my team...
"Hey, that's our team. The Mets, that's our team."
Sangat? Apakah tim kita? Siapakah orang-orang ini? Dari mana asal mereka?
They are not from around here. They are only paid to wear those clothes.
Uniform is the only one that is constant in sports.
People people move around, different teams,
teams move from different cities.
We are really just rooting for our clothes
to beat clothes from other city teams.
[applause]
That's the sport.
We are looking for laundry and no more.
I always feel strange how upset we get
when a man leaves your team and then he plays against your team.
"Different shirt! I hate this person!"
"I can't believe he's wearing that shirt!"
[laughter]
Every person you see every day wears a different shirt.
You're not angry with them for some reason. I don't know
But I'm happy with the clothes that you use tonight
Your clothes come out It's a big night for them too.
Clothes wait all the time.
They are waiting in the shop, cabinets, drawers, drawers.
Everything you don't wear now is home, hoping to be picked tomorrow </ p >
[laughter]
Laundry days are a fun day.
Washing machines are nightclubs for clothing.
Dark, bubbles is happening, they all dance.
Looks like they like to dance there, no?
The shirt grabs the underpants, "Come on , baby, let's go. "
You come, You open the lid, everything freezes.
[laughter]
"Can you close the door, please? This is a kind of private club . "
" There is a dress code, No one is allowed to do anything. "
[laughter]
Now, a lot of things develop
in Jerry's little comedy adventure.
I arrived at a point where I could buy a maid.
First time... You remember this first experience. </ P>
I remember the first time I was able A waiter, I felt very guilty all the time. </ P>
I followed him around the apartment. </ P>
"I don't know why I left it there. I'm sorry. I..."
"Obviously I can pick it up. It should be like that."
I'm just not, and I don't know why.
"I have no reason, I'm sorry for that."
[laughter]
This is why I can never be a maid, because that's the attitude...
I'll walk at home. "Oh, I don't think you can do this?" / p>
[laughter]
"No, no, no, let me clean your shit...
While you just sit there like a train rat underground with trust funds. "
[laughter]
" You make me sick! "
Socks hate their lives, we know that.
p>
They are on smelly feet, boring drawers.
They are waiting for laundry.
[laughter]
How many times have you washed,
gone to the dryer, counted your socks,
one of them came out?
[laughter]
Escaped, took off. Never take a partner!
"Fuck you! Tired of everyone thinking we are the same ! "
[laughter]
The drying door is open, socks always wait on the sidewall.
[laughter]
You feel around. "I know He is there, that little bastard."
I know he is trying to leave! "
Sometimes they reach for sweaters, give them a head start.
[laughter]
And they go to the street.
[hums tune]
[laughter]
What can he do? How can he survive out there?
At a golf club, a puppet show, amputated. What are the options?
[laughter]
Sometimes you see dirty socks on the road, only one.
Just dirty, crooked, exhausted.
He only works a few blocks.
[laughter]
What about the pair left behind?
What are the options?
"Oh, now I'll be kicked out because of him? How is that fair? "
[laughter]
" The whole drawer knows he will go to pull the action like this one day. "
That's why he always goes inside and rolls down.
" He's not one of us who started. "</ p p>
[laughter]
So I said My parents came to see me here.
They had moved to Florida at that very moment.
Um... They don't want to move to Florida. They're old and that's the law, so...
[laughter]
"Let's go, pop. White pants, belts and shoes. "</ P>
Get into the car. I'm ready for you. </ P>
" You are out of here this section is finished. "</ P >
[laughter and applause]
Visiting my parents in Florida at this...
I don't get that minimum security the prison place they like down there.
The little guard booth in front, That thing comes down in front of your car,
The 19-year-old boy wearing a fake police uniform comes running out .
"Where do you think you will go? Your name is not on the list!"
[laughter]
"Dude, who stole parents?"
What is...
"What is the key here?"
"I have a grandmother! Let's go."
[ laughter]
Go there to visit your parents,
end up in a hot tub with your father and three or four people are really old. </ p >
[laughter]
That's the perfect way to meet parents, right?
Half naked, sitting in a bubbling hot tub?
They come out, they look like an advertisement for gravity.
[laughter]
Why do these parents like heat?
Steam room, hot tub, sauna, Jacuzzi.
If they ever decide to land a man in the sun,
this retired parent will be able to handle it.
There is no space setting , just a towel, a pair of flip-flops.
They will sit on a wooden bench, with a rag on their heads, go,
"Close the door! "
" Come on, enter or exit. You leave all the heat from the sun. "
[laughter]
My mother uh... still drive.
Cannot see bad things.
[laughter]
Don't you have to drive a car?
Isn't that part of driving ?
I brought the car the windshield of a cataract lens.
[laughter]
This is one leg thick, curved glass...
windshield recipes
All heads are in the car looks great now
[laughter]
People think it's a full car a sports mascot descends from the street.
p>
They don't know what that is.
My father will wait for me to go home so I can help him move furniture.
This is his favorite bonding activity.
I haven't seen him for three months. "Give me a hand with this, right?"
"I've never met you in three months." " Get the other end, let's go. "</ P>
[laughter]
My father's removal technique was to take something very heavy,
get in the air,
He always smokes in his mouth, burned to a quarter of an inch,
smoke goes right in his eyes.
[laughter]
Because of you want your eyes to blink and tear
when you are going backwards down the stairs, holding the wall unit.
That's an easy way to do it.
"Easy," that's his favorite word. Raise it. "Okay, it's easy now. </ P>
Easy, easy, easy." </ P>
This isn't easy, very difficult.
[laughter]
Why don't you say that? "Difficult, difficult, difficult.
Impossible, impossible , it's impossible. Lower, it's impossible. "
[laughter]
[movie projector rotates]
[Jerry] I try to put cigarettes into my comedy as much as I can
I want to do that movement.
[laughter]
When I argue with a smoker, if they have cigarettes and I don't,
they caught me
[laughter]
"You see what I say?
Because I have a cigarette and you have nothing Who's Here's what I said. "
[laughter]
" Your hands are empty. My hands are busy all the time. "
[laughter]
"And it's burning, does that bother you? That doesn't bother me. I'm used to it."
They put it and the argument is over.
When they take out the cigarette, nothing more can be added
[laughter]
I stood there, "I think this. I feel this. My point of view is this."
They went, "That's your opinion?" </ p >
[exhale]
[laughter and applause]
"It's gone, you're wrong."
[laughter]
It's all about material,
bits, stuff
Rodney Dangerfield said to me,
"Killers, they are wanted in 50 states . "
Minutes - comedy thinks in minutes.
How many minutes do they want? How many minutes do you have?
How many minutes do you have do you?
Whenever I write something that works, I save it in this accordion folder.
Every thing
And here it is,
from 1975 until this morning.
Much work I don't want because I don't like the attitude of the people.
The notary community seems very happy with its strength and position.
You go to the bank, "I need this notary."
"Oh, the notary is not here. You have to wait."
Only the notary can the notary -
have the skills, techniques, background
to take the stamper and go, "Boom, boom."
[laughter]
Sometimes I just want to take the Stamper, rip it from his hand.
"There, I have the power now!"
"Look, he's just a man! "
[laughter]
How do they teach people to do that?
Notary class where the teacher stands in front ?
"Okay, everyone, now, ready and..."
♪ Press and stamp and hold and go up and back to the pad ♪
♪ And press , up, up, and stamp ♪
♪ Press down, up and back to the pads ♪
♪ Pressing, stamping, holding and going up and back to the pad ♪
♪ Press and stamp and hold and up ♪
♪ And go back to the pad ♪
[laughter]
If that is public school musical notary,
I imagine it like that.
Thank you.
I don't like magicians.
I have worked with many magicians in Indonesia I spent many years in the nightclub business.
I don't like their attitude.
A little full of themselves, a little arrogant
"I came, I deceived you, you feel stupid, the program is over."
[laughter]
Never explain, you never understand. That's how they do it.
"This is a quarter. Now it's gone.
You jerk. "
[laughter]
The craziest act I have ever seen is this person who can catch a bullet in his teeth.
That's kind of circus action, really, but it's real
I think it's real. I don't even know.
But this person will come out,
they will fire a gun at him, he will go...
[laughter]
How do you know that you are good at this...
[laughter]
... before you do it
They throw it - throw it at you The first few times, it's very hard.
[laughter]
Put it in the gun. "All right, Jim, this one will come a little faster now." </ P>
[laughter]
"We will take steps < br /> enough here. "
[laughter]
This is definitely a house that you don't want to enter if you are a criminal.
You shot him in the bedroom, he came walking out
[spits] "I thought you had the wrong house, friend."
[ laughter]
"I do this all day, okay?"
"So turn on the fire."
For me, the worst part of all Do I see this person, I'm amazed,
and I don't know...
I don't know his name. What is the name of the guy? I don't know
If he knows that, won't he will feel, like, "What should I do...
to really impress people?"
[laughter]
The president is a strange job. </ P>
[laughter]
What do you think... People say, "I think the President might be crazy." </ P>
"Oh yes? So, what do you expect?"
Anyone who thinks they have to become president,
there is your exam there
If you really think for real, in your head, that you must...
You are out of your mind! You are crazy!
[laughter]
"I have to be president," For me, like,
"I should be Thor."
[laughter]
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That's what I want. "
You're crazy, okay?!
This is a crazy idea!
" Who should the most powerful people in America ,
Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces and free world leader? "
" You know, that sounds like me. "
[laughter]
" There seems to be something I'll be smart. "
[laughter]
" I can't think of anyone who is better than me...
to be responsible for everything! "
[laughter]
" Because I'm crazy, "is the rest of that sentence. " Because I'm crazy. "
Jadi saya mengerti orang-orang itu.
I am not angry, or I try not to be angry
about political people,
because you have to know,
or You know, who they are, okay? </ P>
I understand it. </ P>
What I don't understand is how we end up with elephants and donkeys
as two animal mascots
only for two large political parties.
You have the whole animal kingdom here.
You can choose from a magnificent horse,
>
Bengali Tiger.
Democrats: "What about jackass?"
How about... Why don't we become jackasses? "
" I like the idea of jackass.
Does everyone hear that? Jackass is a very impressive animal. "
"You don't think people will think so we are jackasses if we choose jackass?"
"No, these are two things that are completely separate."
[laughter]
Republicans go, "If they go to jackasses,
what about the smell, circus circling animals? How about... "
An elephant must be impressive
When you weigh five tons, use the smallest hat you can get. </ P>
[laughter]
And you know, this is a true fact about elephants in the circus.
Before they go out to do their shows, they take the handle of a broom,
they stick it to the elephant's butt
So the elephant empties,
because they don't want him to do it during the show
"And I think it's also a good picture for our party
That said, & apos; We are willing to do it whatever we have to do. & apos;" </ p >
[laughter]
"Pony."
Oh, this is a thing about riding a horse,
that parents carry children on pony ,
and nothing else that they can use a pony to
except a vehicle for young children.
The police don't use it for mass control .
This bit works pretty well.
And uh... so I'll have the police go,
"You want to go back behind barricades. "
Yes, this is very funny. It must be the end of the 70s.
Feeling your sense of humor is actually being validated,
That's the only validation I think I have ever really cared about as a human.
But I don't really care whether they like me or not </ p >
For me, like, do they like the ingredients?
Do they like jokes? Do they like what I think?
It's like, I'm not here, "I need you for... I hope you want me. </ P>
You know, if you like it, alright; Otherwise, no nothing too.
I've run out of time here.
That time uh...
I think one of the things people lie about the most.
Whatever "20 minutes" is a lie.
[laughter]
Whenever someone says, "I will be there in 20 minutes. It takes 20 minutes..."
"You said 20 minutes." "First!" </ P>
No one knows what 20 minutes are. </ P>
If you want to lie, just say, "I will be so 20 minutes. I'll be there in 20 minutes. "</ P>
I saw an ad for a mattress store a few months ago. </ P>
" There were no payments until June, "</ p p>
because they know our idiot brain will go, "Oh, June?"
"Well, that's not my problem, then, isn't it?"
[laughter]
"Maybe it won't be June."
"That's a man's problem in June."
[laughter]
p>
and you binge-watching all your little Netflix shows,
and you think I don't know you do it right now.
Once you're done with me,
You will return to your little place Show me, maybe find out who the killer is.
What about tomorrow's work? You have to wake up .
"Oh, it's a matter of morning people."
I am at night
Stone party for night people.
Run another episode ,
open another Oreo's arm.
"There are no rules for the night man!"
Then, the next morning, the alarm goes off,
You are dumped, crumbs in the bed.
I hate you, man night! "
[laughter and applause]
Because the night guy... Wait more Because night guy...
The night person always screws the man in the morning.
No morning person can do it.
He turns into a coffee-all-day man...
who then can't sleep at night...
really-man's trash-not-doing-work, and out-of-a-job guy. </ p >
Does the night person care? No.
He sleeps on a new mattress, not from payment people until June.
[laughing and cheering]
So when you're doing stand-up comedy,
you really need to be connected with the audience
No all other forms of art like that.
Many films that I see,
It doesn't seem to matter if we can even follow the storyline.
I type of guy... I have a lot of problems
with these films like uh...
Jason Bourne, Mission Impossible.
I am the man you always see in the parking lot after the movie,
talk to his friends, leave,
>
"Oh, you mean, Is that the same person from the beginning?"
[laughter]
"Oh!"
That's why after he stole his money he has a fake nose,
beard, and then he doesn't! </ P>
"Oh!" </ P>
"Are you enjoy this film? "
" Yes, I enjoyed it here in the parking lot,
but there, I don't know what's going on. "
[laughter]
Nobody will explain anything to you in the cinema once you get confused.
[whispering] "What happened now? "
" Shhh! "
[laughter]
"Why did they kill that person?"
"I thought he was with them."
"They have to." p>
[laughter]
"I like that person, that's..."
"That's the only guy I like."
"Will you watch this film?" </ P>
"I watch the movie." </ P>
"I don't understand anything." </ P>
"You know the same as me! "
[laughter]
" I don't know anything! "
" Is this a space movie? Is this a Western? "
p>
"I got lost in this movie."
"I hate this movie."
[laughter]
"And I hate you too. "
[laughter]
Why don't they have subtitles? for plots
Here's the movie I'm going to go to.
A little thing appears.
"Don't worry about this person, He is only in this one scene."
[laughter]
"This is the name of the movie you don't remember
that you have seen this person before."
[laughter and applause]
However,
the story I want to convey
If you want to know how do I do whatever I have do,
everything starts here on the Comic Strip.
This is where I created everything the material I did for you tonight.
[cheering and applause]
And that is what makes me from, you know,
open the mic Monday night - evening audition,
stay at home with my parents, in my bathroom,
for, five years later,
is on The Tonight Show on NBC, sit next to Johnny Carson.
This is the item that drove me there.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much.
You have become a fantastic audience.
I love you.
Thank you for telling me to tell my story tonight. Hope you enjoy it
Good night.
[cheering]
[continued applause]
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