Hello. It's Thomas.
You can leave a message, but you've probably figured out
that I have already screened your call by now.
Beep!
Hey, Tom. It's the Jackal.
Your pic made me smile today.
We got to postpone my birthday dinner.
There's a last-minute client in Chelsea
visiting from the foreign office.
Says he just couldn't wait.
Some guy called me a freak today, right.
It's so easy to forget that we...
We are the ones who are the freaks.
Most people, and you know who I mean,
they get up in the morning, and they have their coffee
that's been harvested from tiger shit
by a tribe of Pygmy slaves in Sumatra or something.
They go off to work, maybe the gym, maybe.
Then dinner, maybe fancy, maybe not.
Maybe a drink or two or 13.
And then definitely a warm, comfortable bed.
Hopefully, they've got someone in that bed that they like
so they can fall asleep easily.
If it works out long enough,
they buy a ring to finalize the transaction.
We've got them beat at the end of the day at least.
Yo, street slut.
- I saw you with the cowboy. - Fuck off!
Yo, quit being a bitch and share that shit.
- Leave me alone! - Hey, you owe me 20 bucks.
I don't owe you shit.
Quit holding out, you stinking fucker!
Are you that desperate? Now get the fuck out of here.
- Get the fuck out of here. - Whatever, man.
Go!
Hey, hey, are you okay?
You sure?
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Some people spend their entire day
staring at a computer screen.
The only person that they really interact with
is their local barista, who's so wired on caffeine
that he'll tell you his life story for a fucking $1 tip.
Motherfuckers will suffer 100-hour workweeks
just to have that fancy fair-trade coffee
served to them with a fake fucking smile.
I don't know.
Well, get back to me when you can, Tomcat.
And I put on my black-girl face,
and I said, "What a fancy bitch."
And he was waiting around for his friends for a bit,
but they, of course, were long gone,
and needless to say, that was the end of that.
MAN: Man, we said no camera.
You like that?
You like it when Daddy gets rough with you?
Are you okay?
I, got a surprise for you.
Bought a little bit of G yesterday.
I figured you might want to go out and...
My treat, of course.
No, thanks.
What's that?
My best friend made me promise I'd wait until I'm at least 18.
But I got it for you.
As a tip.
Normally I don't do the hard stuff, but it's Saturday night.
We're in New York.
And I know I'm not the grandpa who said no.
I'm sorry. I got to get going, dude.
Stay a little longer.
How do you expect to create big business
with an attitude like that?
Come here, boy.
Now, where did I put my wallet?
What does it look like?
You know what the hell it looks like.
It was right here on the nightstand
before I left for the bathroom.
I need to go home, dude.
Where the hell is it?
- Where is it? - Back the fuck off, dude.
I'm so sorry.
I was wondering when this was going to get fun.
We're allowed to kiss now?
You're a crazy little one, you are.
You should have told me you like being a bossy bottom
ready to ride this big German cock again, no?
You have the smallest nuts I've ever seen, dude.
Found your wallet.
Ooh, wow!
Not even American currency. Fucking euro trash.
Smile.
What's that, love?
You don't like being filmed without your consent?
Yeah, no shit.
You can keep your stinky euros,
and I'll accept this camera as payment.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Don't even think... about moving.
Bitch.
What the fuck, Tom?
I had to go to three... Three different grocery stores
to find your precious curry ketchup,
but I said, "Hey, only the best for Captain Jackoff."
So are you ready to tell me how you busted your nose?
What, this nose?
Well, I bet you deserved it.
What'd you do?
No, no!!
Give me one reason not to blow your head off right now.
Well, you're 18, so you might be tried as an adult.
You're disgusting, you know that.
Hey, hey, I bet you like this, too.
Hooker blood.
The most delicious substance on earth.
Get off me.
This... is for you.
Come on.
All right. Come on, open it, you little shit.
Nice.
Ooh.
I got you something, too, by the way.
The spoils of war. For you, my love.
I'm officially your sugar daddy
until you become a famous photographer
and let me fulfill my lifelong destiny as a stay-at-home dad.
Jack.
This is amazing.
Seriously.
But you've got to give it back to whoever you stole it from.
No way.
You should have seen the stuff I had to delete off it last night.
Trust me, it's better off in your hands.
We can't get in trouble.
I already checked.
It hasn't been registered anywhere.
Jack, my dad called the police, okay.
He's trying to find me.
Well, it must be nice to feel wanted.
If they find me, that's it.
You know what? You need this for school, okay?
No more distractions.
No more excuses.
I'm taking care of the bills until you can make us rich.
Then come on, get up.
Get dressed, and let's get this over with.
So I'll take this shirt and this guy right here.
Put it on my account.
Can you get this, please?
Sure thing, Mr. Price.
Call me Ken.
- Okay. - There's no need for that.
I'm doing my part for the environment.
Mr. Ken, do you want to take these with you, as well?
Yes. Thanks, Stacy.
You are such a freak, dude.
This... This is how you want to celebrate your birthday?
You do realize that some cop is probably gonna shoot us.
We look like fucking terrorists.
The politically correct term is freedom fighters.
You know, most people, they want to see a play,
maybe... maybe have a little party, Jack.
This is my party, Tommy.
It's time to finally make these guys our bitch, bitch.
TOM: What is that? Are you kidding me?
Did you make a hit list? You made a hit list for this?
JACK: Best gift ever. Thank you!
Which one is this?
Mustard.
- That's bullshit. - What?
- I want to be ketchup. - Okay.
I'm ketchup, and you're mustard. That's how this works.
Hey, fine, fine, fine.
Here. You happy.
- Let's do this. - Fucking misogynist.
I hate you so much right now, by the way.
Love you.
What?
- What, what, what? - Sorry.
Come on, hey.
- Let's get rolling. - Okay.
Everyone's looking at me.
KEN: Young man! Excuse me.
Excuse this, faggot!
I just want to talk to you, that's all.
You can talk to me on redman.com.
Come on, Captain Jackoff.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Hi. This is Liz Hutchinson.
Please leave a message. Thank you.
Hey, Mom.
I thought you'd want to wish me a happy birthday.
- Just kidding. - TOM: This gun's busted.
I spent 25 bucks on this shit.
Can you believe it?
Give me.
Hey, you're going dark on your birthday?
Jack, you don't got to do that 'cause I'm here.
You got that?
I said you got that, punk?
Okay, all right.
All right.
All right, well, let's fix this one together.
The mustard seeds are clogging it and shit.
Here, there's got to be some...
You know what happens when I get my hands on these.
Bye-bye.
It's stuck.
There's something clogging the, um... the tubey thing in there.
Whoa, okay, Jack, I don't think that solves everything.
I'm not so sure that the mustard seeds
are too susceptible to your slut powers.
Captain Jackoff, who wanted mustard
for his birthday shootout.
So I made sure that we only got the highest-octane mustard.
Now, why we didn't just use mayonnaise, I...
Ketchup and mayonnaise?
Hot sauce, I don't know, shit.
Dude, that's like biological warfare.
We're freedom fighters, not terrorists.
All right, all right.
Now, hush.
JACK:.
My God. What are you doing?
Hold still.
What are you writing?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Dude.
He says that once he finds out where I am,
he's going to force me to stay with my uncle in Mexico City.
He says that he wants me to be closer to my family.
I don't know. It's ridiculous.
Like that's going to happen.
Well, I don't really get a choice.
I'm not 18 yet.
You can't really emancipate yourself from someone
who literally owns an entire team of lawyers.
I have to turn my phone off whenever I get to the dorm.
I have to get a prepaid one or something tomorrow.
Like a burner phone?
We're like spies.
Fugitives.
Hey, that's sexy, too, right?
No.
Hey, we're on our way to getting our own place.
It's going to be fine.
Worst-case scenario, we just have to make him disappear.
It wouldn't be the first body to be dumped in the Hudson, right?
Or we could just eat him so that there's...
There's no evidence at all.
- That's gross. - Okay, okay, okay.
No murder.
We just, um, change your name.
To, Diane.
Diane. Yeah. That's a great idea.
So we'd be Jack and Diane.
You're so stupid.
But I love that song.
Here we go.
Boy.
Hold still, please.
Your name.
Come here.
Voilà.
Stay there.
Freak.
- Fuck! - Can I help.
You're bleeding.
It's fine.
Fuck.
Alex did something today.
JESS: That's good, that's good. Alex.
That's incredible.
And I missed it.
What's going on?
I caught myself looking through our credit-card statements
so I could see what you've been up to.
That's... That's not me.
It's happening again.
Do I need to go get tested?
No, no.
Nothing happened.
I love you.
It's under control.
It's getting harder to trust you.
No.
I-I do have a limit.
And... I don't think I can handle going through this again.
Hey.
- What? - We should get cleaned up.
Matt and Darnell are going to walk in.
No, you're in my bed tonight.
No way. We can get kicked out for this.
It's my birthday for 20 more minutes.
Fine.
Be that way.
But seriously, can I get cleaned up?
I'm all slippery.
No.
No, you're not allowed to leave till morning.
Hey, I prefer you slippery anyways
in case I want to go again.
My butt needs a break.
What up, Matt?
Hey.
Thanks for today.
Anything for you, Captain Jackoff.
You know it's not like this with anyone else.
Hey, I literally have to fake it.
Shh.
I know.
Okay, okay.
Condom.
You're on meds. It's fine.
Stop.
You don't need any more trouble, okay.
I'm lucky enough that you're still even with me.
If I ever find that guy, I'm going to kill him.
Hey, it's my fault.
Stop saying that.
Hey, let's, um, establish a safe word.
A safe word?
Okay.
What's our safe word?
"Harder."
Yeah.
"Harder" is an awful safe word.
And besides, we don't need one.
I know that you'd never hurt me.
It's just in case one of us gets in trouble.
Well, how about...
I got it.
How about you don't get into trouble?
Punk.
- Hey. - What?
I'll punk you.
Shh. Be quiet.
What's, um... What's our safe word?
Harder.
Good.
Mnh-mnh, no, go harder.
It feels good.
Lady boy.
Yo, faggot.
I have a gift for you.
It's called morning wood.
It tastes like maple syrup 'cause I'm Canadian.
Do you want to try?
Put your little pecker away, Matt.
What... What a cranky little bitch before breakfast.
I want some toast.
What the...
The next thing out of your mouth
is going to be a fucking apology.
Jack, you're going to get us in trouble. Come on.
If you even fucking look at Tom again,
I'm going to rip your dick off and shove it down your throat.
Do you understand me, asshole?
MATT:
Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
- Kenny. - Father.
I know you didn't just take the Lord's name in vain.
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Father.
It's been too long.
You are not going to like what I'm about to say.
Let's hear it.
I'm going to finish my master's.
You are the only person in the world
who can manage to be exhausted and bored at the same time.
It's mostly online.
But I have classes on Tuesday and Thursday
starting in January.
I was hoping...
You could have an on-call nanny?
You're lucky I like that kid so much.
How's little Alex doing?
He's, well, amazing.
Yeah?
He's getting into all sorts of trouble.
Yello!
- Baby. - Come here.
Hey, Mama.
Hey, check it out.
How'd I do?
You look so good.
Tell me everything. How's Jack?
You know, he's at... at work.
Lord.
Come in, baby.
Make sure you crawl in this time.
Everyone knows wittle-bitty babies don't know how to walk.
PRIEST: What was it you wanted to talk about?
I'm getting the urges again.
Dear.
They never really stopped.
I was just scared shitless.
I was scared of losing Alex and Jess.
I was able to hold this off for a while,
but now it's like I have no control.
It's like I'm two different people.
I just need to know for sure.
Why can't they just make a pill?
Or something that I can take
that would just make this all go away.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.
If you're going to push this nanny thing,
there are going to be some rules.
Name your terms.
I get to feed Alex whatever I want.
You are the worst.
It is my right as a grandma to spoil your child.
Great.
Come here, baby.
Come here.
Look who's a big boy crawling all by himself.
So good.
Who's Mama's big boy?
Come here, baby.
Who's Mama's big boy?
Who's a big boy?
- Me? - No talking, baby.
Wah, wah.
That's better, baby.
Now, you must be famished?
This is huge.
- You should be so proud. - Thank you.
Dave and I have been sober for over 20 years,
and this can be such a bitch.
Thanks, Mama.
I wish Jack could have stuck it out with you.
I don't know.
That boy needs some clarity.
It's something else. The dude barely even drinks.
He pretty much only smokes weed.
But he got into two fights, two fights in the past 24 hours.
Have you ever thought...
And please don't take this the wrong way.
Go ahead.
That maybe you and Jack might need a little bit of distance
so that you both can work on yourselves.
But we're like ketchup and mustard.
You know that.
Honey.
Ketchup and mustard are not mutually exclusive.
In fact, the only time I've ever had them together
is on hamburgers and hot dogs.
JESS: It's weird.
He's so much happier when there's lots of stuff going on.
You weren't any different.
Always calmest in chaos.
SANDRA: So...
Are we going to get to the rest of the demands?
Go for it.
You're going to talk to me about what's really bothering you.
He's not a fucked-up kid.
He's a good kid with fucked-up brain chemistry.
Until he decides to get the help that he needs,
there's not much you can do for him but love him.
But I can help him with that.
Jack is drowning.
More people die trying to save someone else from drowning
than drown on their own.
This is your test of faith.
Obviously I've struggled with some of the similar urges.
Thomas, Jesus said a kickball bully
will never get "Hamilton" tickets.
What did you do?
I chose faith through abstinence.
Doing so allowed me to focus on spiritual intimacy.
I firmly believe that with God's help, you can overcome this.
Have faith in God.
Have faith in you.
Should I come clean now?
I don't think I have that answer for you.
Maybe it'd be better for you to wait
till the time when she's more able to forgive you.
Or you know what you want.
Just rest assured, God has a plan.
All right, you little blessings, let's go.
Why did he make me like this?
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God?"
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
"The measure is longer than the Earth and wider than the sea."
Book of Job.
Here.
Take this.
And remember, through God's love, anything is possible.
Try to let your every decision be guided by that same love.
You're sweaty.
All right, kids, let's go.
Jenny, don't make vulgar noises at Max.
Baby.
Excuse me.
This table is only for our customers.
Yeah, I'll just have a water for now.
I'm waiting for my friend. Liberace.
WAITER: The hostess will be able to seat you
when your deceased companion arrives
and your party is complete.
Yeah, you guys are definitely too slammed
to let me sit while I wait?
Let's save your hostess the trip.
Water, please.
Sparkling or flat?
I sparkle enough, thanks.
Very well.
And a side of Grey Poupon with my water.
I'm not kidding.
Well, hello... again.
You look familiar.
Well, here's a hint.
They weren't able to get the whole stain out.
- I should go. - No, no, no, please, don't.
You were... you were right. I did, in fact, like it.
I'm glad you used curry ketchup.
It's my favorite condiment.
It's very cosmopolitan of you.
It's cool, man.
I don't know what you got planned here,
but I think it's smarter if I...
No, I just wanted you to remember me.
Sit.
I also thought you might want a trophy.
Can we, go someplace less scene-y.
Have you ever eaten here?
I don't like the way these people look at me.
Well, you're not going anywhere
until you've had at least something to eat.
And put this shirt on. You look like a hustler.
No wonder people are staring at you.
Here.
Thanks.
What am I going to do with you, kid?
What's your name?
What's yours? It's Ken, right?
Is that short for Ken doll?
- Yes. - Last name?
Johnson.
You're John.
Fuck off, dude. I don't really care anyway.
Are you at least going to tell me your first name?
We both know you don't care about that, either.
How long have you been living on the streets, Mr. Freak?
Long enough to get this shitty attitude, right?
Your water and Grey Poupon.
Thanks, Jeeves.
Can I get you a drink, sir?
Yes, please, a bottle of Vermentino.
I'll just order some stuff.
Anything you don't eat?
- Do it up, sir. - I'll do it up.
Just don't call me sir.
I'll get the charcuterie board, pizza de funghi,
and a Greek salad.
It's the best stuff here.
Very good, sir.
Very mature.
So, your dad kick you out when he found out you were gay?
No, I fucked his wife,
and he found out I have the bigger dick.
Look, I'm just trying to get to know you here, all right?
I'm not even going to try to fuck you tonight.
So this is... this is what I'm paying for.
It's going to be the easiest 300 bucks
you ever made in your life.
Is that okay with you?
I'm not holding my breath, but okay, Mr. Johnson.
Time will tell.
Where do you live?
The city.
What, I'm staying in a dorm a couple blocks from here.
It's good for a few more weeks.
Like a shelter?
Yeah.
So, what happened when you were kicked out?
Your dad...
What, this?
Yeah, your nose.
Hey.
It actually happened at a job around the corner.
Some guy thought I stole his wallet when he was all coked up.
Geez, I'm sorry.
Shit happens.
How long have you been hooking?
It's called escorting. Have some fucking manners.
Hey, I'm just fucking with you.
Where do you live?
Connecticut.
Connecticut makes sense for you.
I see a walk-in closet bigger than my shared dorm,
a screened porch.
Big-titted wife and a kid starting middle school.
I'm recently divorced, actually.
It's taken a while to figure myself out.
That explains the ring.
Yeah, that.
I haven't had this off in over a decade.
It feels good.
Where do you go for work?
My company has offices in Hollywood, California,
and Florida, weirdly enough,
but our main distribution hub is in Florida,
so I have a condo in South Beach.
- Miami, right? - Yeah.
Is it as fun as MTV says?
I don't know it like that. I go for work and then relax.
Um, have you ever been there?
Some other John ever take you?
Probably the only thing a John has ever given me
is a black eye and a giant tear in my asshole, so...
Your Vermentino.
You should come next time.
What do you think?
Fantastic. Thank you.
You're going to love this. It's very buttery.
It's not too tannic.
Yeah, a very buttery Poupon, as well.
Unfortunately, I can't say I'm a big fan of the year.
Take this away, Jeeves
You're literally a garbage person.
You really got it in for Jeeves?
You don't like waiters?
I find it ironic that someone can have an attitude
to a person who's paying his bills.
Ha! You guys are a lot more alike than you think.
Maybe I should ask him out.
Nah, he can't afford you.
Besides, now he knows you're damaged goods.
I'm Jack.
Thanks for taking me out and not being a complete toolbag
like the rest of the people I've met doing this.
I think people are basically decent,
just sometimes misguided.
So, Miami this weekend, a thousand bucks, no sex.
I even have a spare bedroom in the condo
if you don't feel like sleeping next to me.
You're not going to take me to the opera
or some cheesy "Pretty Woman" shit, are you?
Something tells me you're not quite the Jackass
you pretend to be.
All right.
But if I end up in a bathtub full of ice
and am missing a kidney, I'm going to be pissed.
That is not how "Pretty Woman" ended.
But you got a deal.
Ken Price, by the way. That's my real name.
That sounds a little less made up.
What's your girlfriend's name?
Tom.
Hey.
Shh.
Hey, Jack. We can get kicked out for this.
JACK: I'm cold.
You want to move to Miami?
TOM: Yep.
Really?
Make it happen.
I'm being super serious right now.
Okay.
But only if there's no more of this rent-boy stuff.
It's bad enough that you're doing it for me.
I hate that.
It's not why we left.
We left so we don't have to put up with this shit.
We're not going to save any money
working at Starbucks, man, okay?
I'm going to make this happen, all right?
It's supposed to be cheaper down there.
It seems like a more wholesome place than New York, right?
I'm going to give you the info
on this guy who's bringing me down.
I think he actually wants to help.
And you can't back out.
The only time I'm okay is with you.
No matter how bad I screw up,
I know that you'll be there to make it better.
Okay, Jack.
JACK: I'm serious. You can't bail.
If I'm down there and you don't come,
I already know something really bad is going to happen
or I'll fuck everything up.
Maybe you should just come down for the weekend, too,
and, like, hangout or... I don't know.
Jackie, you're doing it again.
Sorry.
I'm always going to be there for you.
No matter how bad you fuck up.
I'll fuck you up.
Stop, stop. Matt's going to wake up.
He likes to watch.
Shh. Stop.
What? I'm serious.
- Matt, Matt, do you care? - TOM: Jack.
MATT: I'm really not in the mood for your faggot shit tonight.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Hey, hey.
Really, I'm going to get us out of here.
MATT: Hey, guys, I'm down for Miami, too.
Hi.
I got this one.
You're fucking kidding me!
Make yourself comfortable, kid.
Hello!
Okay, not that comfortable, all right.
Dude, they're waving!
Yeah, yeah, okay.
There's a bunch of old people in charge of this building
that love to complain every chance they get.
It's a Florida thing.
Just try to keep your roaring down to a minimum.
You can take the tiger out of the jungle, man.
But you can't take the jungle out of the tiger.
What's the plan for tonight?
Um, up to you.
I was thinking maybe a club, party up a bit,
or we can just relax and chill in.
Party, party, party, party, party, party.
Can you even get into a club?
Dude, I've had a fake I.D. since 15.
Okay.
Perfect. We'll do dinner, hit a bar or two,
and then Liv, Fontainebleau.
Sounds French.
Too rich for my blood, man.
My vote, trashy gay bar.
- Yeah, I don't know. - It's way less stuffy.
I've never actually been to a gay bar.
Whoa. Lucky you.
So what have you brought to wear?
Some socks, underpants, a couple T-shirts.
What do you expect?
I packed tropical.
I even forgot my phone charger, dumbass.
That's all you brought?
That's all I got, dude.
Full truth?
Tom and I share a phone charger.
Not everyone gets to have Malibu beach houses, Ken.
Whoa. Trouble in paradise?
Easy there.
There's a lot more than ketchup in that thing.
Ooh.
I got that when I had a single-family home
in North Beach.
Don't need it with the security in this building.
I probably didn't need it in the first place.
It appears our first order of business is shopping.
Can't I just borrow some stuff?
Nonsense.
I feel like you've been treated like shit
by anyone who's ever taken you out.
I just want to show you a good time, you know?
So you're paying me a thousand bucks to take me shopping.
Precisely.
All right.
You're the boss. Let's do it.
Don't call me boss.
I think that's... I think that's the look right there.
Perfect.
Hey, I... I got you a surprise.
There you go.
Gentlemen.
I'm going to need to take a look in that bag.
Do you think they left the security sensor on or something?
I don't suppose you have a receipt for this?
It must have fallen in there.
Obviously there's been some sort of mistake.
I'm going to have to ask you guys to come with me.
Sir, please, I don't want there to be a scene.
Do you have any idea how much money I spend at this store?
All right, we don't need to press charges this time,
but I'm going to have to ask you to never return here again,
or else I will be calling the police.
Thank you, sir.
Car now.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
How fucked up are you?
I bought this whole outfit for you at that damn store.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Most people just call me an asshole,
but the technical term is borderline personality disorder.
I know it's not an excuse.
What does that even mean?
It means I'm fucked up, but I'm working on it.
Take the tiger out of the jungle?
Right.
Just why?
Hey, beautiful.
I got to call you right back.
Everything's fine.
I'm just in the middle of something.
I miss you, too.
Love you more.
Bye.
Look, I'm sorry.
You're kicking me out now, right?
Of course I'm not going to kick you out.
In a fucked-up way,
that was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.
Just don't pull any stunts like this again, okay?
I want you to trust me, but I need to be able to trust you,
as well, for this to work.
All right?
Lesson learned.
It's in the past. Okay.
Let's, Let's get some dinner and try to have some fun.
Okay?
I think we can do that.
Good, okay.
You're sweaty.
Seriously, if it was possible
to eat this every day, I would.
I honestly think about moving down here every week,
every day in the winter.
Why don't you? You're divorced.
It seems like the perfect time to start over.
Fair enough.
Cute kid.
It's too much responsibility sometimes,
but I wouldn't trade him for anything.
So, partying tonight?
You're not a fan?
I've never done it, and historically,
I've had a hard time trusting people
who do that kind of stuff.
You have a hard time trusting anybody, mister.
We don't have to do it if you don't want to.
But, it is a blast as long as you have self-control.
What's that?
Self-control, that's that thing we all pretend to have
in order to create the facade of a functioning society.
I have a good feeling about you.
Let's try something.
I'm going to trust you, but only if you trust me.
All right.
Let's give it a shot.
Come on.
- Hey. - Hey, what's up?
What the hell happened to November?
I don't think I've ever sweat this much.
It's great, right?
We going to get cleaned up?
Not here.
Aah!
Come on.
Shh! Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Well, hello.
Hey, guess what.
I don't want you to pay me for this.
Don't be silly.
No, I'm serious.
I'm not taking your money.
I need your help.
And Tom does, too.
It's like I got to be the strong one for us,
but I don't know how much longer I can do it for.
It's hard, man.
You have no idea. It's really fucking hard.
I got you, kid. I got you.
You're all right.
Trust me.
You're okay.
We're all going to be okay.
Bitch boy.
Psst.
Bitch boy.
Do you want to suck some cock?
It's obvious you want me.
You're always watching me change and shit.
It's fat and juicy.
Please let me sleep.
Whatever, slut.
We both know you want that shit.
Fuck off.
Of course, hon.
I took the client out for some drinks,
and then we did the whole schmoozy thing
at Liv afterwards.
I simply didn't have the time to call.
No worries, sweetie.
I hope you're not too hungover.
We had a great time hanging out
with Grandma Sandra last night, didn't we?
Is he ever not smiling?
Son of a bitch.
I think he can't figure out how you got inside the screen.
Yeah, I'm a very two-dimensional type of person.
You spilled Grandma's wine all over her last night, didn't you?
Yes, you did.
I bet your mother loved that.
Mr. Johnson, do you know where I put my underwear?
Shit.
You've got to be kidding me.
Jack.
Have fun with your family.
- It's not what you think. - Of course not.
You're a respectable guy with a nice house, good job, cute kid.
Wife's got pretty nice tits.
You've got it all.
You're definitely not the kind of guy who cheats on his wife
with homeless-kid hookers
and pretends it's all about being a loving person
when you're really just another fucking assbag
trying to get his rocks off without feeling guilty about it.
I was just trying to be nice to you.
- You lied. - What would you have me say?
I would have said, "I'm paying you so I can cheat on my wife."
Not, "I want to help you."
Fuck you, man.
What do you really know about me?
You have no idea what's at stake in my life.
You don't have any real responsibilities.
You're just a hustler.
Take your money.
I'll get you a room at the fucking Sky Hotel.
I can't deal with this right now.
I told you last night I'm not taking your money.
At least one of us has to be true to their word.
Thanks. For nothing.
Shit.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Hey, Mom. Um...
I'm going to Florida tonight.
Is there any chance that you can...
Yeah, sorry, I... Yeah.
Look, can... can we just talk when you get here?
Okay. Thanks.
Love you.
MAN: Do you know that my mother said to me that the only...
Hello. Hey, cutie pie.
Stop a moment.
We just want to say hello.
Fuck you, you shitty whorebag fucks.
Nobody likes you fucking people.
- Rude! - Probably from New York.
Assholes, all of them.
The whole city is just one big bag full of dicks.
Just a blizzard, just a blizzard of dicks.
Probably has a small dick.
It's better than no dick.
FEMALE VOICE: You may hang up or press 1 for more options.
Hey, Jack. It's, It's me.
I made all the arrangements for you to stay at the Sky Hotel.
Your friend Tom contacted me asking if you were okay.
He said you weren't returning any of his calls
and that he was worried.
I hope it's okay.
I bought him a ticket to come down
so you have someone to talk to
and then hang out with for the next couple days.
I just want you to be okay.
I told the hotel that you'd let them know
how long you plan on staying.
What room they're putting you in.
So you need to call Tom and let him know where you are.
It's good that this is happening.
I don't know if I would ever have been able
to make this change on my own.
I-I think it'd be great if you want to come back
in a couple days so we can sort everything out.
I'd really like to see you again.
I know you don't owe me anything,
but I owe you at least an apology and your money.
Even if you don't want to be my friend or anything.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Cash problem?
Fucking people problem.
Just breathe. You're okay.
You live here?
No. I got myself stranded.
I'm pretty good at doing that.
No, I'm sure there's lots of things you're good at.
I think I can help you.
Yeah?
Hey, don't worry. I'm one of the good guys.
I promise.
It's a pretty easy job.
You ever think about modeling before?
I can pay you like a couple hundred bucks.
If you want.
Just, you know, come over
and jerk off on-camera for my website.
You're a fucking pig.
You think the poor kid isn't having a hard enough day?
The man can speak for himself.
How much?
I'll give you $20 right now
if you just tell this guy to fuck off.
I don't need your charity.
Let's talk.
FEMALE VOICE: At the tone, please record your message.
When you have finished recording,
you may hang up or press 1 for more options.
Come on, Jackal.
Hey, there, sweet thing.
Not now, Matt.
It's time for the blowjob that you promised me.
I mean, I know you probably want me to fuck you,
but I'm not into dudes.
Fuck off, Matt.
We both know that you want it.
Your boyfriend's not here.
You don't have to kid yourself anymore.
We're going to pretend that you have the cunt you always wanted
and get you to work.
I'm going to go, so...
Don't talk back, bitch.
You are going to suck my cock now.
Yes?
That's a good little girl.
On your knees.
And this is where the magic happens.
The man with the plan's back.
Nice place.
Quit hogging it.
- Well, hello. - Hi.
Let's get this over with.
Yeah, on the bed, please.
Yeah. You know what?
Put your shirt on.
It's all about the... The seduction.
So how much are they paying you for this, sexy boy?
You know it's rude to talk about money on set.
Think you want to do a scene with either of these boys?
I'll give you $200 extra.
Told you he was a virgin.
MAN: Your loss.
The one with the green
still has a little tread left on that tire.
I'm just kidding. Back up.
Ready for your big moment.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right there.
Yeah..
That.
Matthew?
Matthew, is that you?
Mom?
Fuck.
Matthew?
- Your son... - MATT: I'll kill you, man.
Is a lousy fuck.
- Who are you? - Shut up, Mom!
And he has one of those super-short dicks,
kind of like, um, a little soda can, yeah.
Hi.
Hey.
Everybody dressed?
This is a lot of bags for one night.
This is your stuff.
I'm sorry.
Wow, at the door with the papers.
I filed this morning.
They said it'll take a few months to be official.
This is what I'm asking for.
You can have whatever you want, Jess.
- You know I... - Sign.
MAN: That was great!
You're amazing. You're a natural.
I'm certainly going to be seeing you again, stud.
- What's your name anyways? - Hey, kid.
I know a guy looking for a little bit more fun tonight
if you want to make a little bit more cash.
He'd definitely pay top dollar for a hot little thing like you.
Okay.
God, it's going to be Date-Rape Dan, isn't it?
That guy is such a troll.
Mind your business.
- Just say no to Date-Rape Dan. - Just say no to Date-Rape Dan.
Shut up. Daddy's talking.
Anyway, it'd be about 600 bucks.
You'd have to host him, though.
- 6? - It's still not worth it.
Yeah, that's totally fine. I'm staying at the Sky tonight.
Fancy!
Somebody's looking after you?
Yeah. He'll love that.
Why don't you just write down your room number,
and I'll have him give you a call later, cool?
Great.
And why don't you take these?
Your hands are shaking.
Okay.
What a freak.
What?
Hello. It's Thomas.
You can leave a message, but you probably figured out
that I have already screened your call by now.
Beep.
LIZ: Hi. This is Liz Hutchinson.
Please leave a message. Thank you.
Hi, Mom.
I saw a lady the other day that reminded me of you.
She was fighting with her kid,
trying to clean food off his mouth.
I remember when I was little
and we used to have those fights,
back when you still liked me.
I just wish everything could stay the same no matter what.
Not everything, though.
I'm in my Miami, which is pretty rad.
I don't think I'm coming home.
You know, your retarded little Yorkie terrier
takes a shit on the carpet every single morning,
but you still love that motherfucker
and let him lick you right in the fucking mouth.
You treat me like some kind of freak,
like a... like you've never sucked a dick before.
I talked to Dad once since then.
He said the only reason he kicked me out
was because I'm an asshole.
Maybe I am.
He sure picked an interesting time to do it, though?
Tell him I said... hi.
That's all I got, Mom.
I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry that I'm not perfect,
that things worked out the way they did.
I miss the days when you could make everything okay.
Sorry, got to go.
A client meeting.
All right. Calm down, bud.
Let's get this over with.
Ta-da!
Hi, Mr. Dan.
- Ooh. - Come on in.
Mr. Dan?
Please, call me Daddy.
I was going to bring you flowers,
but then I remembered you was a whore,
and I don't have to, so I didn't.
But I did bring you these.
Last year I had to tell my friends that I quit yoga
and canceled our gym membership because of a back problem.
Everyone was nice, played dumb, but people talk.
Now I have to figure out how to explain to our friends
why we're getting divorced.
I told you from the start, I have these urges.
Urges.
Urges that you were in control of.
Okay. Under control doesn't mean fucking men in public,
bringing boys on vacation to our condo, and God knows what else.
Jess, it was just the two times.
I talked to my mother as soon as it happened the first time.
I told her that Alex and I were out,
that we were moving in with her.
But she wouldn't let me.
She said if I loved you that I was responsible
for helping you through this.
And that if I loved you enough,
I could save you from the disease, she called it,
the temptation, that way of life.
And that eventually you would become the husband and father
that we all thought was inside of you,
but...
I couldn't love you enough.
When can I see Alex again?
I need time.
I do hope that you find whatever it is that makes you happy, Ken.
- Stop, stop. - Yeah, yeah.
Shit, Tom.
Come on, kid. Sing along with Danny.
Come on.
Don't be such a sourpuss.
- KEN: Hi. I'm Ken. - TOM: Hold on.
We need to go.
Now!
All right, little boy, round two, ding-ding.
I hope you saved some for me, you selfish little kitty.
Meow. Whoo. That'll last.
Whoo.
So, you don't sing.
You barely fuck, and you're a messy, messy bottom.
What's your problem, kid?
Bet you expected me to tip you with an attitude like that?
I'm just kidding.
I'll tip you.
You did manage to keep those ears on,
and that ass of yours is on point.
Back the fuck off, dude.
Back the fuck off?
Back the fuck off, dude?
Is that how you treat a client, Bloody Mary?
I think somebody needs to teach you a little lesson.
Shit.
Little shit.
Don't you...
Aah!
Now who's on top again?
Fuck you, you fucking freak.
A fucking whore thinks I'm a freak.
You think you can treat me like worthless garbage?
That's not how the world works.
It's going to make you a bitch.
You're a helpless, insignificant little cunt
who's not going to make it anywhere.
What the fuck is this?
A gun?
Ooh, what you plan on doing with that, Mary?
You going to rob me?
I suppose you would have done that
before I fucked your brains out.
I know what you want to do.
You planning on killing me?
Is that what you planned on doing, cunt?
Fucking piece of shit.
Fucking little cunt.
Hey, no, no, no, man. Hey, you can't park here.
I can't give out a room key
if you're not staying in the room, sorry.
It's an emergency.
Hey, hey, hey. Can you get him a key?
Yes, of course. I didn't know you guys...
- Sorry about that. - Yeah, no, no, we're together.
I'll explain it later on.
DAN: Shit.
Fucking...
Get off him!
Who's the goddamn freak now,
Who's the fucking freak now?
I see you brought a friend.
You fucking pathetic little piece of fucking shit,
piece of fucking shit.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Go wash your hands now.
J-Jack.
I'm at the Sky Hotel.
Room 1101.
Yeah, I just killed someone.
I shot him in the head.
Yeah, yeah, he's definitely dead.
It was self-defense, I think.
I'm hurt, and my... my boyfriend's nose is busted, too.
Listen, you don't need to keep us on the phone any longer.
Everybody's okay.
The gun's under the bed.
We'll be here when they arrive, all right.
Thank you.
Please make sure Tom's going to be okay.
No.
Promise me.
I-I promise.
I will.
No. No!
Come on, we got to get you cleaned up.
Jack.
Please, Jack.
Hello. It's Thomas.
You can leave a message, but you probably figured out
that I have already screened your call by now.
Beep.
Colonel Mustard, hey.
It's almost 6:00 a.m., so I guess you're probably asleep.
But they finally said I can make a phone call,
and I figured it was worth a shot.
Supposedly the dead dude had a pretty long rap sheet.
Okay. I shit you not, the officer who booked me
actually called him Date-Rape Dan.
One of the guards gave me a D.L. fist bump
when he brought me the phone.
I'm kind of feeling like a superhero,
and I'm tempted to see if I can get the cops
to start calling me Captain Jackoff.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I know.
I'm in police custody,
and nothing about this is funny, right.
Okay, okay, all bullshit aside, I owe you my life again.
You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me,
and if I actually get out of here,
I promise to do it right this time.
Everything you said.
Therapy, AA, you know, whatever you want.
I'll work 100 hours a week at a goddamn coffee shop
if I have to, just so I can sleep with you every night
and be with you, only you, in every possible way.
You need to know how fascinatingly beautiful
and brave and strong you are.
You and I, we're different.
Yeah, we're freaks,
but that just means there's nobody else out there
as good for us as each other.
I'll see you soon, Tomcat.