Good for you, Pete. Good for you.
Access Hollywood spotlight
On sexy crime fighter Sarah Marshall.
Hi, Everybody, Welcome to Access Hollywood. I'm Billy Bush.
Each week, millions of viewers love to watch
Ms Marshall's brainy sexpot character, Maddy Stark,
alongside Billy Baldwin's dark and brooding,
hard-to-love lead detective, Hunter Rush.
- And this isn't your jurisdiction. - I just made it my jurisdiction.
Can you say "catfight"?
Off-screen, Sarah cosies up
to her successful composer boyfriend, Peter Bretter.
He's no household name,
yet Bretter's dark and ominous score has set the tone for this gruesome juggernaut.
Take a look.
What do you think?
I think it's gonna be hard for her to re-enter the pageant
without a face.
Looks like the sky's the limit for this adorable couple.
Anything could happen.
We got to do something We got to do something
Before Mother Earth gets any more hurt
We got to do something
We leave you tonight with the newest smash single from Infant Sorrow.
Lead singer and notorious lothario, Aldous Snow, begs us to change
in his environmental anthem, We've Got to Do Something.
I hope, for once, we all hear the message. Good night.
Mr Prime Minister and Mr President You better see that it's not only me
No, a mob is rising in size And they've been dying to scream
Hey, baby.
Just working.
Salad.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.
I didn't realise that you were gonna be back so early.
Great. I'll see you in a bit.
Okay, bye.
It's time to do something
Someone should do something We got to do something
And that someone is you and you And you and you
I pray it ain't all lost and gone
I pray we might learn right from wrong
And I pray this broken day will not last too long
Hey, you got here fast. I got a surprise for you.
Peter, as you know,
I love you very much.
Are you breaking up with me?
- Pete, are you... - I just need a minute.
Okay.
Please don't go.
Why don't you just put on some clothes, and we can sit down and discuss this.
No. I can't do anything right now.
I'm so sorry, Pete.
I'm in love with you.
Why don't you just put some clothes on, okay?
I'm not going to go put clothes on.
I know what that means, if I put clothes on, it's over. Okay?
Excuse me.
Let's talk. Let's talk about him.
I feel...
I've been feeling
for a long time that we've been growing apart.
We're leading different lives.
Who's the dude?
- Who's the dude? - What?
No, that's not what this is about. There's no one else.
I know what's happening here. I really do.
You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together,
and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me.
But maybe, if we just held each other or something,
you would remember what it's like to be with me.
- No. - Just hold me.
Please. Here we go.
There's someone else.
I'm sorry.
We don't hang out in places like this, Liz and I.
Why did you take me here? This place smells like stripper's perfume.
I'm gonna get herpes just from sitting on this couch.
- Sure you okay, bro? Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah. You don't have to keep asking me. I'm good.
- You're out! - Thank you so much for this opportunity.
- Auf Wiedersehen! - Auf Wiedersehen!
Thank you. Thank you all.
Auf Wiedersehen!
I feel really good. I feel happy.
Maybe you should work on the Dracula musical.
Look, you've been working on it for a while. It'll help your mind. Be creative.
- Think about you. - I think I need to fuck somebody.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're not my stepbrother any more. You're a step-stranger.
- Why you talking like that? - Brian!
You don't need to put your P in a V right now.
No, I don't. I need to B my L on somebody's T's.
That's disgusting. You don't need to be doing that.
And if anything, you should leave your P in the V
and blow it inside the V, so you can have a B-A-B-Y
and be a normal person.
I'm leaving, man. I'm out of here.
She's fucking somebody. Okay, Bri? It's all I can think about,
Is that she's out there,
and until I do the same thing, I'm gonna feel like I wanna die.
So just talk to girls with me tonight, all right?
All right. All right, I'll help you out. I'll talk to girls with you.
So, Peter, what do you do?
Musician.
He's being modest. He works on a show called Crime Scene.
Oh, my God!
- It is what it is, you know? - No, I love that show.
Wait, Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime or Crime Scene: Phoenix?
- Scene of the Crime. - Oh, my God! I love that show.
I find you both very sexually attractive.
Let's pump the brakes. Okay?
I think that having sex with either of you
would be a great treat for me.
You are so funny.
I just got out of a five-and-a-half-year relationship,
so I'm not looking for anything serious.
- Just sexual activity. - Let's wrap it up, buddy.
You wanna come home?
I'm sorry, you're cracking me up.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Do you wanna come home?
Stop it, seriously.
- That was fun. - Yeah, yeah.
Overall, I think that went really well. Yeah.
I want to have sex with you!
- Are you crying? - What? No.
I'm sorry that I'm being so weird now.
No, that's okay.
You've been weird
pretty much the whole time, so it's not unusual. Okay.
Last night, like some sort of idiot, I had sex with this woman who I barely even know.
I used a condom, but
I'm really scared that I have an STD, Doc.
Peter, I'm a pediatrician. Have you noticed you're sitting on a fire truck?
- Right. - Little kids running?
- Yeah, this is new. I like it. - I'm kind of backed up...
Could you take a look at my penis?
Go ahead. Let me see it.
- Sorry. - That's all right. Take it out.
Good.
- You barely looked at it. - It's a good-looking dick, Peter.
- Beautiful dick. - Do you think maybe while I'm here,
- I could get some blood work? - Peter!
Your girlfriend dumped you, right? Are you hurting? Are you hurt?
Stop it. Stop crying. Use your dick. Keep fucking. Fuck everything that moves.
Just wear a condom.
Listen, I'm backed up, I got a lot of kids. I gotta go, okay?
You want something? You want a balloon? You want a lolly?
I just came!
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
Okay, do you mind not saying that over and over again?
You can gag me.
- You brought a gag? - And handcuffs.
Do you wanna gag me?
Kind of, now.
What've we got today?
Just a walk and talk at the lab.
That's what 20 years on Vice will do to you.
What've we got here?
The victim's penis was found behind the AC unit.
Ouch!
Can you say "dicksicle"?
Let's do this.
Okay, I'm ready.
The victim's penis was found behind the AC unit.
Just go with the usual stuff, maybe. Something dark and ominous.
Like losing your penis is a bad thing.
Oh, you want dark and ominous.
Come on, I got Allman Brother tickets, I gotta get out of here!
That's what 20 years on Vice will do to you.
What've we got here?
Peter! Peter, Jesus Christ!
You're fucking Billy Baldwin, aren't you?
- Aren't you? - Pete, Pete, Pete.
- Stop staring at me. - Pete!
You know you're not getting paid for today's session, right?
- I'm aware of that. - Fucking asshole.
Peter, it's Brian.
Go away.
Listen, your landlord called me.
Said there's smoke coming out of your place.
Who, Mr Lopez? 'Cause he's a liar!
He doesn't...
We worry about you, Petey.
Yeah, come on, Peter. Open up the door.
The fire marshal's gonna come in and bust it down.
You haven't been out of the house in two weeks.
Why are you so damn strong?
I feel so strong!
Hey, don't walk away from me. You come close.
Your place is disgusting, Peter.
Hey, don't walk away from me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!
What are you burning, man? Come on.
It's everything.
It's everything that reminds me of her and I need it gone!
Okay, I thought I was fine, Brian, and I'm not. I'm not fine at all.
Okay, let's just put the picture down.
Put that down. Let's discuss this.
- I love her, man. - I know.
Look, Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah.
We think she's great.
Okay, but everything...
I'm just being honest here.
Every time she would come over to our house,
she always acted,
you know, like a little bitch!
Okay, okay, pump the brakes.
Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz. Okay?
Sarah is better than Liz.
You really wanna have this conversation?
Do you really wanna have this conversation?
Yes.
- She is the mother of my unborn child. - Sorry.
You're my stepbrother. We're not even blood.
I have no qualms with sticking you. I will equalize you.
- Sorry. - You dick!
I'm just worked up.
You gotta get your shit together, man.
I'm trying to. It's so hard here.
Brian, everywhere I look, I'm reminded of her, okay?
Like, she got me this,
okay, because I would always leave my cereal boxes open,
and the cereal would get stale,
and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me,
because it keeps my cereal fresh. And now I have the freshest cereal.
Why don't you, you know what, go on a vacation?
Go to the Alps.
- Alps? - Go to Gstaad. It's the best.
I could go to Hawaii.
Sarah was always talking about this place in Hawaii that was supposed to be nice.
No, don't. I wouldn't go there.
What, I can't go to Hawaii now, because Sarah Marshall has heard of Hawaii?
Then go to Hawaii. Go to Hawaii.
Do it.
No, no, no, don't destroy the computer.
I'm just deleting these pictures.
Okay, I need them off my computer.
You know what? You're not even doing a proper permanent delete.
Well...
If we end up getting back together, I wanna have a few of them left.
You're crazy.
- No, no, please don't delete them. - They have to go. Done, done.
That was hilarious. Aloha!
I'm Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene: Scene of the crime.
And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence, I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines...
Excuse me! Hi.
... to my favourite destinations. Mahalo.
Hi, can I have another bloody mary, please?
You're still working on that one.
It's just an anticipatory order.
Okay, I'll be right back!
What do you think caused such excessive bleeding?
He was either stabbed in the aorta or it was his time of the month.
Aloha!
Check in this way.
- Just married? - Yes, how did you guess?
Oh, you've got that magic newlywed dust all over you.
- Oh, my wife. - Oh, my husband.
- Oh, my wife. - My husband.
My old ball and chain.
You quit squirming and come here.
What is into you?
Not me, yet.
Here is your room key. So you're all set. Room 222.
Room key's inside, and the elevators are to the right.
Mahalo.
Congratulations.
Here you go, sir. Have some POG juice.
Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
I'm checking in. My name's Bretter, Peter Bretter,
but actually, I don't have a reservation.
I just thought I'd take my chances.
Bold!
We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua suite available.
- Okay. How much is that? - $6,000 a night.
- Wow. - Beautiful views.
I can imagine. That's a little bit out of my price range.
Sorry.
That's a shame. This is a beautiful
hotel.
Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene.
People are excited that she's here.
She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
- I'm sorry, sir. - Right. This is fine, right?
- Sir? - It's totally fine. Okay, there she is.
- Did she see me? Is she coming over here? - Uh-huh. Yup.
I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.
Fair enough. Why don't you try to unbutton it?
Button it back up.
- Peter! - Hey.
- Hi. - What are you doing here?
Came here to murder you.
Really, what are you doing here?
I have been having a tough time, you know, back in LA.
But then I came here, and here you are.
I just think that's too crazy to be...
Hello there, you little sex object.
I've lost a shoe. Have you seen it anywhere?
It's like this one, but, you know, obviously it's the opposite one.
Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe. Like this one. It's like this one's fellow.
Sort of the exact opposite, in fact, of that. Uh-huh.
Not an evil version, but just, you know,
a shoe like this, but for the other foot. Otherwise, I'd have two right...
Aldous, this is Peter.
Hey, all right, Peter. Nice to meet you, mate. Aldous.
- Good to meet you, man. - My ex-boyfriend.
Right. Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Yeah, I am. I am for my sins.
So are you staying here, as well?
- I'm not, as a matter of fact... - I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Mr Bretter, Ms Marshall,
but we were able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
- You were? - Yes, sir.
- Marvellous. - Perfect. Perfect amount of time.
Listen, if you wanna have dinner with us one of those nights...
- Aldous. - ... feel very...
No.
That's very gentlemanly of you, but you two enjoy your trip.
I'll be just fine on my own.
- All right, Peter. - The Kapua suite...
- Have a good trip, Pete. - I like your shirt. It's colourful.
- Bye. - Bye now.
Ta-ta. I was wearing two shoes this morning, right?
Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out. I still can't afford that room.
Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah or, like, Celine Dion.
Really, it's not a big deal.
So you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest,
you have to clean up after yourself.
Otherwise, here is your room key
and enjoy your stay.
Why are you doing this for me?
She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Really, it's not a big deal.
Go enjoy yourself.
Rachel Jansen. A thousand times, thank you,
- you know what I mean... - Go enjoy yourself.
- This is a disaster! Calm down, man.
Are there other hotels on the island?
Of course there are other hotels,
but I'm not leaving here, it'll look like I'm running away.
Wait. Why are you whispering? You're not following them, are you?
I had a girlfriend, right?
And Liam and Noel Gallagher both had it off with her right in front of me,
so that's similar.
And that was a bit awkward, actually.
So if you do wanna change hotels, I quite understand.
No, no, I'm not changing hotels.
Stop following and just go back to your room, Peter.
- They're gone! - Why are you looking for them?
- I don't know. - You're acting like an idiot.
Run! Get out of there! Go to your room!
- What do you think they're doing? - Peter, go.
Oh, God! Okay, there they are.
- There they are, I see them. - Go back to your room, Peter.
Peter, go back to your room. Go back to your room, Peter.
I'm going in.
Go back to your room, Peter. Are you listening to me?
Peter, go back to your room. Peter, Peter, Peter...
Hey!
Hey, nice room.
Go!
I am in the Kapua suite.
What are you doing? Sucker!
Have fun.
Listen, you piece of shit!
You're an idiot. Back to your room, Peter. Peter, back to your room.
Did you enjoy that?
- Did you like what you saw? - That hurt a lot.
But I know Sarah, and I'm pretty sure I just ruined her day.
You know how we thought the killer masturbated
before he committed each homicide?
That's the theory.
Take a look at the microscope.
Oh, yeah, looks like where he's going,
he'll need to know how to masturbate.
Oh, God!
Hello. Hey, Peter?
- Sarah? - No.
It's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.
- Hey! - Hey, what's going on up there?
I'm getting complaints about a woman crying hysterically.
Yeah, you know what, I hear her, too,
and it sounds like she's having such a hard time.
I think it's coming from the floor above me.
You're on the top floor.
I'll try to keep it down.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, you have a nice night.
Okay.
I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now.
Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work.
So I can't just leave here and sell you some weed.
I can sell you some weed when I'm done.
Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right.
- Hey, how's it going? - Hey.
I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
- Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you? - No.
Your girlfriend?
No, I don't have a girlfriend.
- You're just by yourself? - Yeah.
Sucks.
Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on.
Do you want, like, a magazine or something?
It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting by yourself.
I'll be all right. Thank you.
I just would be so depressed.
- Yeah. - Here you go.
Thank you.
The best thing is, you have the greatest table in the house.
- Oh, yeah? - That's Aldous Snow right there.
I know. I know, dude. I know.
- I'm gonna ask him. I'll ask him politely. - No, please don't, please.
Mate!
Why don't you come over and sit with us? You'll be very welcome.
No, thank you. I need a drink.
Would you guys like a drink?
Well, no, actually, because...
Seven years clean. That's what this tattoo denotes.
Seven years free from drugs and alcohol.
If I have just one sip of wine,
by the end of the evening, I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips
just to get me hands on a rock.
You know what I mean? Nasty.
- I heard that. - Hey, what's up, man?
How are you enjoying your vegetable medley?
It's mundane.
It is mundane. It's great, I know.
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes!
- She said yes! - Beautiful.
Congratulations!
I'm so excited! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Peter!
What's up?
- Are you doing okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
Look, did you follow me here? Did my assistant tell you I was coming?
- No. - Did you talk to her?
No, I didn't talk to your assistant. It's not all about you, you know.
Hawaii is a beautiful place. People come here, usually not to follow you.
So you're really staying? You're gonna stay?
Yeah, I think so. I really like it here. I feel at home here.
I just love it.
Yeah, you should stay.
I appreciate your consideration.
Sounds like Aldous probably shared a lot of needles,
so thank you for dating him after me.
- I appreciate that. - Hmm.
- Hope you have a really good time here. - Have a great dinner.
Thank you.
Groupie whore.
Psycho stalker.
You know what? It's vacation. I think I'll just take a pina colada, please.
Look at this guy.
Not us, buddy. Right? Not us.
I'm on Sex and the City. What's up, Miranda?
I'm Samantha. I have sex with everyone.
Maybe it's a good thing that they're here.
You know what I mean? Maybe this is a challenge from God
for me to forget her. You know?
Or maybe it's a sign from God that you should be with her.
I love her show.
When they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it.
What the hell is wrong with you two? You gotta move on.
I hear you say that, but it's not that easy.
It's that easy. Promise you it is.
I lived in South Central.
South Central. And I hated it.
That's why I moved to Oahu.
Now I can name you over 200 different kinds of fish.
- No, you can't. - Oh, yes, I can.
- Do it. - Yeah, you cannot.
G. Ghost pipefish, grill fish, goaler fish grouper fish, greenback...
What's the state fish of Hawaii?
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.
- Yeah, bitch. - Hey.
- You ready? - Yeah, just gonna close up.
Hello, Mr Bretter, Mr Brayden. Where's your wife, sir?
She is in bed.
How are things going with the lady?
Not awesome. She's complicated, like The Da Vinci Code,
you know, but harder to crack.
But life is full of lessons. You learn something new every day.
Wonder what I'm going to learn tomorrow.
Well.
- Good night, sir. - Good night.
Good night, sir.
Off to find the mythical clitoris.
So, Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room?
'Cause I could send someone up, if you want.
- Oh, you could? - Yeah.
That's very funny. It is.
Well, listen, Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
I do the music for that programme.
Did I mention that the music rocks?
That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say.
You don't have to say that, though. It's not music.
There's no melody, it's just tones.
Just dark, ominous tones.
"The masturbating dog killer is on the loose again.
"He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy. "
I'm no Aldous Snow, I guess, you know.
Time to start the music
All gonna light the light
Yeah, yeah, gonna get things started on The Muppet Show tonight
- Whipped cream or berry? - Whipped cream.
Here we are, sir. Have a wonderful breakfast.
What a lovely table, so close to the buffet.
I'm glad you like it. Mahalo.
Good morning, sir. Can I start you with anything?
Orange juice, coffee?
What about, like, some pineapple juice with a little bit of rum on the side.
Of course. I like your style. Cocktail guy.
- Thank you. - You are welcome.
We've already reserved the sea kayak for noon.
Honey, I know that, but you know that I wanted to see...
- Hey. Hello there, friend. - Hey.
How are you guys? How was your evening?
- Great. - Awesome.
- I can't feel anything. - All right.
- Does that feel good? - I still can't feel anything.
Okay, 'cause it hurts me.
- Would you do that for me? - Yeah.
- No, no, no. No.
God put our mouths on our head for a reason. No!
- I'm going to the bathroom. - Okay.
- Is everything okay with... - Waffles.
- Here you go, sir. Breakfast of champions. - Oh, thank you.
And don't tell anybody, but... A little extra love for you.
Thank you.
- Take it easy. - You, too.
- Hi. - Hi.
This is the yoga place, yeah?
Yes. But there's no alcohol allowed in the studio.
Oh, no, I mean, obviously. This is just pineapple juice.
Well, there's no outside drinks allowed in the studio.
- Can I set it down? - Sure.
- Cool, thank you. - I like your hat.
- Thank you. - Please remove it before class.
Hey, everyone, why don't you all grab your mats?
Sorry, I recognise you from the cover of Namaste Magazine. I'm a huge fan.
Thank you. That's so sweet of you to say.
I appreciate that. Obviously, I don't do yoga for recognition.
Right, of course you wouldn't. Then stop being so good at it.
That's very flexible. That's nice.
- And, you, I recognise you from your show. - Thank you.
You seem much taller on your show.
- I'm not. - No, I know.
Okay, if you just wanna start by bringing your palms into your chest.
Today we're gonna start with the Surya Namaskar, or Sun Salutation.
Let's take a deep inale in.
Exhale and release the hands.
Inale, arms up to the sky. Continue.
Good, exhale and folding forward.
Strong, strong backs. Good, excellent.
Remember this is not a competition,
although you two seem to be the best in the class.
Excellent. Perfect form, you two, perfect.
Coming up into downward-facing dog.
Good. It's really important in this pose,
that you arch your back and keep it flat at the same time.
I feel like those are opposing ideas.
No, they're not, 'cause you're arching your back up while it's flat.
Okay.
Good, yeah, sweat it out. Sweat out all the toxins from this morning.
- Come on, lady. - My name is Prana,
and I know that wasn't just juice.
You don't really need any adjusting, so I'm just gonna do this for myself.
Just to learn from your body,
memorize your body.
- Good. Strong legs. - Come on.
Perfect skin and form.
Okay, class, I'd like to now move into a tripod headstand.
This is more of an advanced pose,
so if you don't feel comfortable or strong enough,
please feel free to just lay on your mat in child's pose.
I got it.
All right, so let's all come down to our mats.
Get in a prep position for the tripod headstand.
If you don't feel comfortable,
there's no shame in just laying on your mat in child's pose.
Lady, I got it.
Good, so let's prep to come up. Good.
Sir, if you just want to lay down in child's pose.
Now, you all heard me say,
"If you want to be in child's pose, that's okay. "
- Just in case he gets hurt. - Bring it, bring it.
I don't want you to break your neck.
- What's up? - Just relax.
My legs, that's what.
We're doing quiet headstands today.
I'm doing a handstand, motherfucker! I'm doing a handstand.
Okay, you know, why don't we just release.
Thank God.
Good, everybody. Good.
Hey.
Are you Chuck?
Oh, man, you know, they won't change that flyer.
That's my mainland name. My Hawaiian name is Koonu.
Cool, sorry.
No, it's all good.
Does Koonu have some, like, cool Hawaiian meaning?
It means Chuck.
I plugged it into a database.
There's a thing you can go on, on the Internet, you just type in your name,
and it just says it.
What's your name?
- I'm Peter. - Peter.
- Yeah. - I'm gonna give you a Hawaiian name.
Oh, great.
Pepiopi.
- Great. - Pepiopi, looks like you've got a little pain
behind those eyes.
Yeah, maybe a little.
There's really only one cure for that.
What's that?
Weed. You got any?
- No. - Well, then let's go surfing.
Okay, when we're out there, I want you to ignore your instincts.
I'm gonna be your instincts. Koonu will be your instincts.
Don't do anything.
Don't try to surf, don't do it.
The less you do, the more you do.
Let's see you pop up. Pop it up!
That's not it at all.
Do less. Get down. Try less. Do it again.
Pop up.
No, too slow. Do less.
Pop up.
You're doing too much. Do less. Pop down.
Pop up now.
Stop! Get down. Get down there.
Remember, don't do anything.
Nothing. Pop up.
Well, you... No, you gotta do more than that,
'cause you're just laying right out.
It looks like you're boogie-boarding.
Just do it. Feel it. Pop up.
Yeah. That wasn't quite it, but we're gonna figure it out, out there.
Let's go surfing, come on.
Everybody's learning how, come on and...
The weather outside is weather
How long you lived out here?
Man, I don't know. I quit wearing a watch when I moved out here.
- Wow, that's so cool. - Yeah.
No, like my cell phone has a clock on it, so I don't really need it.
Right, so it's basically the same thing.
- How old are you? - I don't really believe in age or numbers,
you know, I don't... I mean, if you had to put a number on it,
I guess I'd be 44.
Fuck!
Thanks for taking me out here.
This is the first time I've felt good in three weeks or so.
You need to get back on that board is what you need to do.
- Yeah? - Hey, here's the deal.
When life gives you lemons,
just say, "Fuck the lemons," and bail.
Yeah. No. You said it, totally.
You gotta just pull yourself up by your wetsuit,
get back on that board...
Hey, look, man, if you're attacked by a shark,
are you gonna give up surfing?
Probably, yeah.
Let's go in, all right. Tacos are on me.
Can you try to listen to what I'm saying to you, Brian?
I'm confused and I don't know what to do.
What's up with that hat?
What are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?
This is a nice hat.
What member of the Brat Pack are you?
You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.
That's very funny. That's great.
Tell him to make friends.
You need to get out there and make some friends, man.
Is Liz there right now?
No, no, she's not in here, buddy.
I just heard her.
She's gone.
Who are you looking at?
What?
Is she still... Hi, Liz.
No. I swear on my mother's grave, it... Okay, it was Liz.
She wasn't here the entire time.
Go out and meet people. We meet people all the time...
- All the time on vacation. - Constantly.
I've tried, all right, there's a couple of dudes here,
but they're kind of weird.
Just be friendly.
Iron your shirt.
Iron your shirt, look sharp.
Even your T-shirts.
There is this girl at the front desk who's pretty cute.
Oh, yeah. You know what? Go have another dirty one night stand.
That worked out so well before.
What do you want from me? You just told me I need to meet people.
Ask her out. Maybe that's what he needs, is a rebound.
He's had plenty of chances for rebounds. This isn't...
Can we get on the same team here?
Okay, I'm sorry. We're on the same team. Sorry.
You should go on a date with this girl.
Well, maybe I'll ask her out then.
- Yes. - My wife says so.
- Hey, I'm in Hawaii, too! - Oh, that's neat.
Aloha, bitches!
That's very cool.
They're not Native Americans, Brian.
- Bri... - What are you doing?
- The luha. Is that right? - Oh, yeah.
It's called the hula.
- Luau? - No, hula.
You're doing a luau?
- Hey. - Hey.
- Peter. - Wow.
You look beautiful. I mean, that's a beautiful dress.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
This'll be fun.
Lei?
May I help you with something else, Peter?
No, I'll just grab a drink. I'm just gonna head inside.
- Happy 4th of July! - Thank you.
Aloha!
- You done here? - No, actually, I just sat down,
I'm just getting started. It's delicious, though, thank you.
I'll just go fuck myself.
- Sorry, what? - Mahalo.
Hi, Peter.
Hey. Hey, bro.
- Hi. - Hey, all right.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Everybody, can I have your attention for one second, please.
We have a very special guest with us here, today.
He is the lead singer of the band, Infant Sorrow,
one of my favourite musicians of all time. He's so awesome.
Please, please, let's take...
Let's see if we can get him up here, Mr Aldous Snow. Please, come on.
Share your gift.
Duty calls and all that.
I'm trying to be incognito, it's weird. It's like work to me, this is no fun.
Hey! Thank you!
Thank you. What a lovely introduction.
What an eccentric and confident young man.
I'd like to dedicate this song to a very beautiful woman that's here today.
It's Miss Sarah Marshall, there she is.
Look at her, blimey!
Old as ancient skies
I've had these wandering eyes
but you took me by surprise
when you let me inside you
Inside you
This went from 6:00 to midnight.
Teach me how to grow while I'm moving inside of you
Inside of you
- Inside you - Inside you
I long to be, is it wrong to be
inside of you
Inside of you the restless find their dreams
Inside of you this king has found his queen
Hey.
You're from the breakfast buffet, right?
- Yeah. - Whipped cream or berries?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm Peter.
- Kemo. - Kemo.
- Good to meet you, man. - Good to meet, you, man.
- Have a beer. - Thanks. Thank you.
Sarah Marshall.
Yes.
How do you know I was dating Sarah Marshall?
Dwayne told me. Chuck told me.
Even Rachel told me.
I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it.
It's like The Sopranos.
It's over.
Find a new show.
You need a hug.
Come here.
Oh, thank you.
You're awfully nice.
I gotta go. I'm prepping the pig for tomorrow's luau.
You should come and help me. It'll take your mind off of things.
- Yeah? You don't mind? - No.
I mean, I must say I'm a pretty good cook.
All right!
I can't! Please don't make me do this!
Do it!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
You can stop crying now.
He's dead already.
I'm not crying.
You should stop crying.
I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
Really? 'Cause you look like a gigantic baby.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that at all.
Hey.
Listen, would you like to hang out tonight, like, not in an official hotel function?
Yeah. Totally.
A bunch of us are going to go to this, like, little beach thing afterwards.
You're totally welcome to come.
Maybe we could go together?
Yeah, whatever.
I mean we don't have to, if you don't want to,
I just thought that maybe...
No, listen, you don't have to make this weird.
You either want to go or you don't.
- I would love to. - Okay.
Awesome. Why don't you go upstairs, change that shirt,
and I'll meet you out front in, like, five?
- This is so cool. - You like it?
So what brought you to Hawaii?
- A dude. - Of course.
A surfer dude. You know, WCT, top 44.
Totally.
We were together for two years.
Dropped out of school, moved out here with him.
Three weeks later, I caught him cheating on me,
so I moved out, and that's that.
What an asshole.
No, he's just a boy.
You ever think about going back home, finishing school, or...
No.
No. I work at the hotel,
doesn't really have to be a future in there.
Okay, my turn.
Okay.
So, how do you like writing music for a TV show?
It's great, you know. People are great.
It's great to have a steady paycheque. It's... I'm very lucky.
Oh, my God, you hate it.
I fucking hate it so much.
So then, do something about it.
Excuse me.
I'm just saying, if you hate something, change it.
- Don't dwell. - Well, I'm trying.
I'm actually working on a rock opera.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What's your rock opera about?
Dracula.
Yeah, and eternal love, you know. That's the theme.
But I think the two sort of go hand in hand, you know?
And I...
I have this vision of doing it with puppets.
I mean, humans also, you know.
Why Dracula?
Because he's a man like anyone else. He just wants to be loved.
And every time he gets close to a human woman,
he ends up smothering and killing her,
which is a feeling I am familiar with.
What? That's just a joke.
- Oh, shit. - What?
My ex. If I run, you run.
- Do you understand? - No, I don't understand at all.
Fucking motherfucker! Dipshit!
Rachel, what are you doing?
I thought I told you to stay back on your island.
Take it easy, just take it easy.
Yeah, you know what? The deal was over April 9.
Well, the deal's back on, motherfucker.
You ain't the chief in this village. I'm the chief.
Of the idiots?
Rachel, let me handle this. I know his friend. Let me handle this, okay?
Go ahead.
Hey, man, you remember me from breakfast?
- Oh, yeah, the cocktail guy, that's right. - Yeah.
This ain't the breakfast buffet. What, you with my girl?
Keeping her warm for me at night, huh?
Hey, what are you doing here?
That's right. Just hit him!
Rachel, we gotta get out of here. Rachel?
You get what you deserve.
Just a boy? No, that dude was a fucking man.
No, no, no. He's an asshole. I can't believe I ever dated him.
- You went nuts. - Yeah.
You guys are dysfunctional.
You were like one of those girls from Flavour of Love.
- From what? - You were.
"I'll kill you. I'll kill you. "
Okay, I'm gonna go get us another round.
I'll grab it. It's no big deal.
You don't have to dote on me. I'm not that type of girl.
You look so hot.
Give me Crime Scene. Give me dirty Crime Scene girl.
André the Giant, out of the shot, please.
Mutombo, out of the shot, come on.
Did you know that there's a picture of you flashing,
hanging in the men's room?
Yeah. I hate it so much.
My jackass boyfriend made me do it.
Keoki took it, right there.
And I asked him to take it down,
but he said that it would ruin the balance of the collage.
Do you want me to try to get it down for you?
No. No, no, no, he'll kill you. Like, really kill you.
But I have a surprise for you.
Really, what?
We're gonna take a quick break.
Tonight we have a special guest from the mainland,
singing a song from his Dracula musical,
please welcome to the stage, Mr Peter Bretter.
Peter!
Yeah! Go get them, tiger!
Please don't.
Peter!
- Rachel... - Dracula! Peter!
Get them!
What's up?
Thank you.
You know, I could play something else.
I just think out of context this might be...
Dracula musical!
Thank you.
It's getting kind of hard to believe things are going to get better
I've been drowning too long to believe that the tide's going to turn
And I've been living too hard to believe things are going to get easier now
I'm still trying to shake off the pain from the lessons I've learned
And if I see Van Helsing, I swear to the lord I will slay him
Take it from me, but I swear I won't let it be so
Blood will run down his face when he is decapitated
His head on my mantle is how I will let this one know
How much I love you
Die
I can't
Awesome!
Thank you.
So, I had a really, really great time tonight.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I mean, it got a little wild.
- "A little"? You can say that. - Yeah.
But it was really fun, and you're so cool, and it was...
Thank you for taking me out.
No, I had a great time. Thank you.
- You did? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just... I don't... I just don't wanna complicate things.
- No, of course! - Yeah?
No, no, no. Totally. I totally get that.
- I had a great time. - A handshake?
- Well, I don't know. Okay. - All right, all right.
- All right. Get home safe. - You, too.
- Thanks again. - Bye.
I'm on a hammock with me lady
Watching the sea roll by
Things have been great now
'Cause we're in Hawaii
Hey, guys.
Hey, man. I'm Koonu.
Yeah. No, I remember. I'm Peter. We took a surf lesson together.
Yeah, you're that guy that works with Kaiser Permanente.
No, I'm Peter. We had a nice talk out on the water.
That's cool.
Okay, can I just say something?
- I went on a date tonight with Rachel, right? - That wasn't a date.
She's in customer service, dude.
She took you out for charity.
It was a date, okay? Trust me. I know a date, and that was a date.
I bet you think strippers like you, too.
- That's really not necessary. - It's true.
Don't waste your time, man. Believe me, it is a nowhere road. I know.
Did you see her ex-boyfriend? He is ridiculous.
Who, Greg? I love Greg, man.
I saw him beat up a guy with a starfish.
- Okay, that's just ridiculous. - That guy was me.
Dude, my homie over here, on his honeymoon?
Getting as much sex as he possibly can ever have.
Are you giving to her hard and rough, dude?
Come on.
The wife wants me to do certain things that I find inappropriate.
Let me just say that if God was a city planner,
he would not put a playground next to a sewage system.
We're trying to fuck, but we're not having fun fucking.
We're just, like... I'm stabbing her private parts,
and it's not fun, and it causes anxiety. Fucking is...
And then when you're not fucking...
- Hey, someone's gotta stop him. - You're the butt of a joke.
Fucking this ring is...
Fuck!
It's gonna be all right.
Hi.
Hi, do you wanna come back to bed?
Sure.
Have fun.
I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.
Julian, what's up?
Oh.
God.
The show's been cancelled.
That's good, 'cause that's what you wanted.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
It's just... I guess I thought we had another year left.
It seems like we did, and... This'll be good,
'cause it's been a long-awaited transition into film for me.
Don't get me wrong, but it's just... It's a surprise.
Come on tour with me.
I'll serenade you every night in front of thousands of women.
I didn't know you were going on tour.
Yeah, I'm going in two weeks.
It's like an 18-month tour, 43 countries, Infant Sorrow,
and it's gonna be a massive tour.
Yeah. I can't come 'cause I have a job. I'm a working actress.
Not any more.
You're an unemployed actress, perfect.
You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.
The Sorrow Suckers.
Sorrow Suckers. I don't know why they call them that.
Mr and Mrs Snow, sorry. Sorry to bother you.
The hotel wanted to offer you some complimentary coconut cake.
It's from the hotel. It's definitely not from me personally, so...
- Yeah, thanks. - Okay, great.
When were you planning on telling me this?
- I just told you, then. - Yeah. No, I know.
But telling me now isn't really the same as telling me.
Well, look, you know, I've not told you I've got genital herpes,
because it's not inflamed at the moment.
Do you guys want some champagne with your cake,
or do you want it without your cake?
I don't drink.
All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just...
I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo.
Just take a listen and...
Okay.
'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there,
watching BBC, and saying,
"Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter,
"and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life.
"And I totally was wrong,
"because he's a major, major, major influence on me now,
"and I feel terrible!"
That stupid English voice, was that me?
Unfortunately, yes.
You're really gonna like it.
I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
- What's up, dude? - What's up?
Peter, I got some really interesting news this morning.
Aldous gave you gonorrhoea?
No. Why would I tell you that?
Crime Scene was cancelled.
Whoa.
Wow.
- You all right? - Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I've been waiting to take the next step,
you know, into features for a long time, so it's a really good thing.
This isn't The View. I mean, we can have an honest talk about this if we want.
I don't wanna step out of the spotlight and then be forgotten.
I don't wanna disappear. I'm freaked out.
I wanna be honest. I'm really freaked out right now, okay?
Because, seemingly, the only actresses that actually can survive
are the ones that show their cooter, and, excuse me, but I refuse to do that.
I have a little dignity.
And I don't have the frame to support plastic surgery. I would tip over.
And I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna exploit myself.
Listen, you're gonna be fine. You have a long career ahead of you.
You've got, like, four years until you're 30.
It's gonna be fine.
- How are you? - I'm screwed.
Frankly, I don't stand a chance. No, I'll be fine.
I've been quietly stealing money from you for a long time.
You're always good at cheering me up, Pete, thank you.
Die
I can't
It's really good, Peter. I just don't understand it. I don't.
I mean, just chalk it up to that. Please don't play it again, 'cause I don't...
Just listen to it one more time and see...
Where's Aldous?
- Mr Snow, may I ask you a question? - Okay.
I want to please my wife here, on our honeymoon,
but I don't know what I'm doing.
You having difficulty sex-wise?
- Do you not know how to use this? - I know how.
- Have you had sex before? - We can't.
- Why? - Our religion.
Right, 'cause of God and everything?
Hey, that's not gonna be a problem,
because God should be present in the bedroom.
Just tell me specifically what I need to do.
You need to penetrate deeply and stimulate the clitoris simultaneously.
That's what you gotta do. That's what it's about.
If you can involve the anus in that, then that's absolute perfection.
Got it.
Explore her ears.
Find it in you to be a little more circly.
You are a man.
God's within you.
I actually feel okay about it.
You know, I'm a little scared, but I'll be all right. I'll get another job.
That's interesting, man. You know what else is interesting?
- What? - Me on the moon.
I just wanna talk to you about something. Can you stop?
- All right, I'm just gonna talk, and then... - Air!
There was this interesting moment with Sarah.
Whoa, what? I don't wanna hear about your interesting moment with Sarah, Pete.
Then who am I supposed to talk to about this?
Well, not me, because have I ever had an interesting moment with an ex-girlfriend?
- Do you have an ex-girlfriend? No! - No.
No.
I would really love to get the woman's perspective on the matter.
- Really? - No.
But come on in and just sit down.
- Stay. You have to... - Honey, no, no, the camera's right there.
No, I know, but I just wanna tell him, though.
- No, the camera... - Think about how much she's hurt you.
- Hey, Liz? - Yeah?
I think you need to move just a tiny bit further away from the microphone.
- Just... - No, closer.
- Now a little further. - Okay.
- Closer. - And then...
- And then a little further, and then closer. - I don't know.
- Keep your head down, though. - I'm bad at this thing.
- Can you hear me? - Yeah, closer. Further away.
I know what you're doing. That's not funny at all.
- You stop that. - What?
- What's he doing? - Come on. Yeah, yeah, real funny.
Hey, that's a great necklace, Liz.
- Did you have that a second ago? - Thank you!
That's gross!
- I don't get it. - Stop it.
- He's saying if I were to sperm on you... - What?
... it would be a pearl necklace. - Why?
- Real funny. - Sorry.
Hey, Dracula!
"And when I see Van Helsing, I swear to the Lord, I'll slay him. "
That shit is funny, dude!
Hey, Pete.
So I was gonna go over to Lazy Joe's later tonight,
and I wanted to see if you wanted to come and join.
I think I'm confused, because I thought last night...
Oh, my God. Dude, get out of your head. It's really nice out here.
Yeah, I bet it is.
All right, yeah. You know what?
I could totally use a friendly hangout, so...
All right.
I don't know if you want, instead of Lazy Joe's,
I was thinking of going to Laie Point right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
I heard that place was a pain in the ass.
Okay.
- Hey! Yo, what's up, guys?
We're just going for a hike.
No, you're not, you're going snorkelling.
I think we're gonna go on a hike.
It is sea turtle fucking season, dude. Let's go.
They fuck for three hours, dude. I mean, that's magical.
- No, we're going on a hike. - I think we'll go on a hike, yeah.
What? Your loss.
Why won't anybody go snorkelling with me?
How you doing back there?
Awesome.
I don't think I've ever been this covered in sweat before.
It's like I have some sort of fever.
I told you this was a pain in the ass. Could've been at Lazy Joe's.
- Oh, yeah. - Uh-huh.
Oh, shit.
- You good? - No.
Wow, we're really going up to the edge of this, huh?
Look!
Wow, this is really beautiful.
All right, so now that your show's done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?
It's not that easy, you know.
Sarah always thought it was crazy, and...
Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?
- I just don't feel like doing anything. - Why?
'Cause my heart is broken,
and I can't imagine doing anything right now.
It's probably the same reason you don't go back to school, you know?
Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know?
I don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.
Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
- Yeah. No, exactly. - Right.
We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as bad as they did.
So jump, then.
No, I meant that, like, as a metaphor, you know?
No. Just do it.
You'll be fine. Jump.
What the hell?
Oh, God! Oh, God. I made her kill herself!
You must be crazy!
- So are you gonna jump or what? - No!
Come on, Peter! I can see your vagina from here!
I can see your hoo-ha.
I mean, I'll jump!
Chicken! Come on!
Please, God, don't let me die today.
- I'm okay! - Okay!
- I'll just let go, right? - No, no, no!
If you fall straight down, you'd probably hit a rock and kill yourself!
- Totally. - Yeah.
So what do I do?
Why don't you press your feet up against the rock,
and, like, shoot yourself off!
- What, like a frog? - I don't know, Peter!
Just get off the fucking rock!
- Here I go! - Okay!
One!
Two!
- Two and a half! - Jump!
Three!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- You saw that, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it!
I was there. I witnessed it.
Thanks.
Come on.
You've got Christ between your thighs,
but with a shorter beard.
- Mahalo. - Aloha.
- Sex! - I'm cramping, I'm cramping.
- Okay. - Okay, okay.
Petey? Petey?
Sorry. I knocked a bunch.
You were really out. Ken sent me.
Dakota Fanning and her people, they need this room.
She loves it here.
Oh.
So does that mean I have to leave the hotel?
Ken found you a room.
I'll take it, yeah. I wanna hang out with Rachel a little more.
Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?
Maybe you should just give me a minute.
It was the only room available!
I'm sure it was!
- Hey, how's it going? - It's all right.
Really?
I think you got some pain behind those eyes. A kind of pain that only...
Okay, you know what? Let's cut the bullshit.
I wanna stand up on a wave before I leave.
I don't think you're ready yet, man.
- I'm ready to ride giants, Koonu. - I think you're ready.
Petey!
- Hi. - Hi.
Miss Marshall, what can I do for you?
Is there a place to get good sushi around here?
Yeah. Yeah, there's a really great place about five minutes from here called Asuki.
Perfect.
- Do you want me to get you a map? - Please.
Okay.
So, this is where we are.
Head down Kamehameha, and then pass Funaho Loko Marsh.
And it should be right to the left.
It might take, like, five minutes.
- Great. Thank you. - Any time.
Um...
- I saw you with Peter Bretter... - Yeah.
...who's my ex-boyfriend.
Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.
- No. - It's not like that at all.
- It's not what you're... - No, it's fine.
I'm just really glad you're keeping him company, 'cause...
- Gosh, no. ... you seem like a really nice person,
- and you're very pretty. - Thank you.
Gosh, you're, like, way prettier.
No, you're, like, so pretty.
Really?
- Yeah. - Wow, thank you. Thank you.
And one more thing about Peter.
He's a really good guy. Really good. Like, great, actually.
Yeah.
Um...
Please don't cry, Miss Marshall.
God. Do you need me to get you a tissue?
Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good. I'm okay, I'm okay.
Okay.
- Thank you, Rachel. - Any time, Miss Marshall.
Hey, ahoy, there!
You surf, too?
Good Lord, no. I'm just drifting around, you know?
Getting in touch with the ocean and stuff. It's really pleasant.
It was, yeah.
I'm gonna head in.
Before you go, actually, Peter, I just wanted to tell you,
I was listening to Sarah's iPod the other day,
and amidst the interminable dross that's on that thing,
I found one track that I quite liked.
So I checked what it was, and it was actually one of yours.
And it kind of reminded me of a dark, gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.
That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.
Right, yeah.
Fuck.
Fuck, you're cool.
It's so hard to say, because, like, I hate you in so many ways,
but whatever. I can see why Sarah likes you.
No accounting for taste, I suppose. In her case, anyway.
She was with me for five years, so there you go.
Yeah, you got four on me there, mate.
You slept with Sarah a year ago?
I thought you knew! Peter, please, don't take it seriously.
- What the fuck, man! You've... - Don't get offended by that.
You can't be so casual about this!
This isn't Europe, okay? There are rules here.
I'm really sorry. I apologise for offending you, Peter.
I just hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.
Well, what's that about?
What do you think it's about? This is a big deal!
What about a code of the ocean? That's not on.
What about codes among men?
You don't sleep with another man's girlfriend!
- Think of... - Get out of here!
- All right, okay! All right! - Get out of here!
Oh, God!
Koonu! This guy needs help! Koonu!
- Should I call the front desk? - It hurts. It hurts.
Wow, you got coral right there in your leg!
Can you get it out of my leg, please, hotel man?
Can you do something about that?
I'd love to, you know, but hotel policy... They don't let me do that kind of thing.
They get all weirded out. Insurance...
Koonu, can you call the front desk for me, please?
- Yeah. - It really hurts.
Koonu, call the front desk now!
Okay, monster man.
Pete, he's not gonna do nothing.
I kind of have this thing about blood, okay?
Look at it. It's raping my leg. Peter, get it out of my fucking leg, please!
One, two.
- You can't get it out. - It's really in there.
- Get it out of me! - Three!
Fuck my arse!
Okay, I got it. It's all done. It's all over.
Everything looks fine.
It's all good! They're coming wiki wiki.
Can you get some towels for me, please? I'm really losing a lot of blood.
You sound like you're from London.
Yeah, I'm from London.
What's going on?
You fainted. I didn't want you to wake up by yourself.
- How's your friend? Is he all right? - Yeah.
They gave him stitches, and he's sleeping it off.
- Hey, you wanna hear something funny? - What?
Are you ready to laugh? 'Cause this is a gas.
Okay.
Edward Scissorhands over there told me that you two were fucking each other
for a whole God damn year while we were together.
Shit.
How about that, Sarah?
I'm sorry, Peter.
Pete, you shouldn't be up and walking around. Can you please...
Please don't touch me. Just don't touch me, okay?
I'm not touching you.
Will you just please sit? Please?
All right, I'll sit down, but I'm sitting down 'cause I want to,
not because you've asked me to sit, okay?
Great.
A year?
Listen, I get it, okay? I just...
I need to understand what I did to make you cheat. I just...
Pete, it's not anything you did.
You didn't do anything. I mean, you were great.
Will you please cut the bullshit and have a talk with me?
Fine. Cutting the bullshit.
It got really hard to keep taking care of you when you stopped taking care of yourself.
I tried to get you out of the house.
I tried to get you off your little island you loved so much, the couch.
You didn't wanna see the light of day!
God, there was one week when you wore sweatpants! Every day.
You shall not pass!
You know what? If they were Sean John sweatpants, it would have been fine.
But because they're Costco brand, it's like the worst thing I could do.
That has nothing to do with it. That's what you don't get.
I'm sorry that I didn't end up being who we thought I was gonna be, you know?
I tried really hard. I promise you that. I just didn't have it in me.
I think if you had just, maybe tried harder.
I tried!
You have no idea how hard I tried, Peter.
I talked to a therapist.
I talked to my mother. I read every book possible.
I took love seminars. I took sex seminars.
None of it worked. None of it made a difference to you.
And I couldn't drown with you any more.
Don't you dare sit there and tell me that I didn't try.
I did.
You were just too stupid to notice.
Whoa. I thought you were gonna wear the shirt I got you.
What? No.
I mean, I do love that shirt you got me.
I admire Sir Tommy Bahama an awful lot.
He's a talented man, but tonight, I feel that this is appropriate.
Wow, thank you. Yeah, Sarah got it for me.
This is, like, way more convenient than my backpack.
Awesome hat!
Thank you. Yeah, my girlfriend got it for me!
- I'm fucking with you! - Cool!
Sarah, can I use this lipstick, please?
Sure. I don't care.
I think it looks great. But if you're not, let's go change.
No, I like it. I didn't like it at first. Now I really think it's...
Oh, bloody hell. This is a small resort.
Hi, Peter.
Hey. Wow.
Aldous, Sarah, this is Rachel.
Sarah bought me this shirt.
I could've guessed that. Yeah.
- Looks great. - You look great.
Looks awesome.
- See. - Thanks.
Mr Snow, I'm so sorry. I did not know you guys were coming.
You're gonna have to wait five minutes.
I did not know you guys were coming.
It's okay. It's not a problem.
I didn't see you guys, so...
There's really no need to weep.
I'm not crying.
It's no problem, honestly. It's not a problem.
- So, your table is ready, guys. - Oh, great.
Hey, have a lovely evening, you two.
- Thank you. Have a great dinner, you guys. - Thank you.
You're welcome to join us, obviously, if you want.
- Okay. - Wouldn't dream of it. What?
What?
- Oh, okay. - Okay.
- That's great. Awesome. - Sure.
Great. I'll just set two more places.
- Okay. - Not a big deal.
Awesome.
So this is actually happening. We're gonna let this happen.
I am so sorry.
I never thought in a million years she would say yes.
I did.
What? I just accepted an invitation. I didn't wanna be rude.
It's got us in a terrible situation.
Now I'm gonna have to sit with him wearing this shirt all night.
You're wearing the shirt regardless.
Australia is amazing.
- I'm telling you. It is a great place to shoot. - Yeah?
Rachel, you would love it. You would love it.
I wanna go. I really, really wanna go there.
- Wait, so when's the movie coming out? - Mmm.
It came out.
- It was already released. - Oh.
Well, you know, it's an island.
It's isolated.
- Yeah. - Movies don't really come out here.
- Obviously. - Did you like it?
- The movie? - Yeah.
- It was... - Awful bloody film.
I say, it's just a ridiculous premise.
What would happen if your mobile phone killed you?
I told her that when she read the script.
Yeah. You were the voice of reason, mate.
I tried to be, but she didn't listen.
Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like, doing murders.
Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?
Right. That's it. The battle's over.
- Yeah, we've won. - I hated it.
Well, it's not for everyone, but it...
No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favourite scene.
Ring-ring. Hello?
- Right. It would never happen. - Yeah.
No, it could never happen.
It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.
For society, for how we're reliant on technology.
I get it. I'm with you.
It's a metaphor for a crap movie.
Well, it was the right choice for me at the time.
- Sure. - You know?
Well, this is awkward.
Yeah?
- It's a bit more awkward now. - A little.
Hey, excuse me. Can we get another bottle of wine, please?
- Sure. - Thank you.
Mr Snow?
Can I get cranberry juice with a bit of lime in it, please.
Do you want cranberry juice or cranberry cocktail?
Because I can probably rustle up either one. Throw some OJ...
I don't care.
Okay, great.
Hey, can we get another bottle of wine?
If I've learned anything from addiction, it's that,
you know, life is as brief as the twinkling of a star over all too soon.
So if you're in a situation where you're with a woman,
why not do the most interesting thing that you can do in that situation?
And by which, I don't mean have a conversation,
have a chin-wag, a bit of a chat.
Lose yourself in something that's both ancient and perennial.
Find something eternal, perpetual. Lose yourself in fuck.
I'm going to disagree.
Respectfully, of course, sir.
Maybe for you, that works.
For me, it's much more enjoyable to get to know somebody.
If you end up sleeping with them, that's great.
But I like getting to know somebody.
But he...
What he's saying is that he's gonna stick it wherever he wants,
but he's joking.
I ain't. No, I'm not joking.
It's just what I believe, really.
So...
Just so we're clear and so I can hone in on your central thesis of the night,
wade through all the bullshit,
you're telling me that you think you have the right
to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime?
- Yes. There it is. That's right. - That's what you're saying?
Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart.
But ultimately, yes, that is...
Oh, no! Not the shirt!
Take my eyes, but not the shirt. Mmm.
Yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?
Do you know what? I think I've improved it, actually, against all odds.
I think I deserve a design award.
Please get some seltzer water.
- Garçon, could we get some... - I saw it from farther away.
- Okay. - Just lean back for a second.
No, it's all right. It's not there. Let me...
You're very diligent. I appreciate it.
Let go of the glass now. You're gonna have to walk away.
Bless you. There you are.
Oh, me, oh, my.
- Call the doctor. - Oh, good.
- I love Hawaii. - Is it good?
Yeah, it's nice, but I think for like a week tops.
Any more than that, I know I'd go crazy,
because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape
for people who can't deal with the real world.
Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists.
Gosh, it's such a hard life.
I like living here.
- Anyone need any more vino? - I think we're good.
I've a question for you real quick, Mr S.
I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo?
Did you get it? Did you get it?
Oh, no. I was gonna listen to that,
but then I just carried on living my life.
Not at all?
No, I didn't, because, you know, I go on my instincts,
and they weren't good.
You know what, dude? Fuck you, okay? You can go fuck yourself.
I can't yell right now because I'll get fired.
My boss will hear me,
and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans.
But you know what? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you.
I bought all your records.
This whole fucking time, I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me.
I'm gonna have people fuck with your food the rest of your trip, you fucking dick!
I like him. That was quite moving.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you sure that you're not, like, too drunk?
Jesus, would you stop being so sensitive.
Aldous.
Wake up.
- Aldous. Wake up. - Hmm...
Make love to me.
All right. You go on top, though, 'cause I'm knackered.
Listen.
Yes! Yes!
- Yeah. - Yes!
- Oh, yes! - Yeah!
- Yeah! Oh, God! - Yeah!
- Right there! - Yes!
- Yes! She's having an orgasm!
This is the best sex ever!
Yeah, all right, that'll do.
What?
I made a mistake coming here with you.
And I'm not done either!
- Please shut up! Okay. - Okay!
You're still involved with him next door, ain't you?
Excuse me?
You should've seen yourself at dinner, Sarah.
Then we come back here, and you put on that ghastly performance.
I mean, I've heard that women do fake orgasms,
but I've never seen one.
It really deeply upset me.
You should have seen yourself at dinner.
"Oh, I'm Aldous Snow. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
"No, no drinks for me, thanks.
"Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. "
That's a really reductive impression.
If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show,
which, obviously, I can't now, because it's been cancelled.
Oh, my God, you're such a prick.
And you know what?
Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay?
That is Buddhist. That is Nordic. That is Hindu. That's just gibberish.
They are completely conflicting ideologies.
And that does not make you a citizen of the world.
It makes you full of shit.
Was that genuine or did you fake that?
Right. I'm gonna probably clear off now.
I'll have a little sleep for a few hours,
then I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?
I hate your music.
Yeah, well, I fucked the housekeeper the other day.
Are you sleeping?
Not any more.
I know that I'm leaving in a couple of days, so I don't even know
what the hell this means,
but I really like spending time with you a lot.
I know. Me too.
Hey.
Good morning.
Where are you going?
The Korean Textile Manufacturer's Luau.
- Just kill me. - Fun.
Joy.
I want you to know that I meant what I said last night.
I know you did.
I did, too.
- Can I see you again tonight? - Yeah.
- I get off at 7:00. - Yay.
Bye.
Sir, morning mai tai.
You know what?
I actually will not be having an alcoholic beverage this morning.
- Jump! Jump! Jump! - Don't make me do it.
Hey. Morning, mate.
- How are you today? - Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. You okay?
Am I okay? I'm better than okay, my friend.
You seem sprightly.
I...
I had a great time last night.
- Congratulations. Well done. Well done. - Thank you.
What about you? What's with the bag?
Right, yeah. I'm off back to England, mate.
Oh, you and Sarah are going to England.
No, no, no. I'm just going alone.
- Yeah. - Did you guys have a fight or something?
Yeah, it was really... How you served five years under her, I don't know.
You deserve a medal or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.
You were only here for a week.
Well, I don't know. For me, that one week of it
was like going on holiday with, I don't know, I wouldn't say Hitler,
but certainly Goebbels. It was like a little holiday with Hitler.
Jesus.
Hey, listen, at least it's clear now for you two to reconnect.
Oh...
No, no. No.
You know what? I have a good thing going on with Rachel,
and I want to see that through.
Well, maybe you could have both of them. Rachel and Sarah.
They got on all right, didn't they, at dinner? So maybe...
You know what? First of all, I'm not that kind of guy.
And even if I was, I don't think that I have the sexual competency to really pull that off.
Yeah. It's a gift.
I will say, if you do get back with Miss Marshall,
handle with care, because, you know...
Okay. Well, I think my ride's here.
So I'm gonna skedaddle then before anything else happens to me.
Before life gets any more daft.
Is someone gonna take that?
Listen, don't let them grind you down.
Take it easy.
Hey, look at my driver. I'm gonna have sex with her.
He said it was clear I wasn't over you.
And then he left.
Fucking prick.
And then I started thinking, what if he's right?
What if I'm not over you?
- Sarah... - Please just let me finish, Pete.
What if I made a really, really horrible mistake?
- Sarah. - Yeah?
Stop pulling my face towards your face.
Why?
You don't like it?
Listen, pulling my shirt towards you is the same concept as pulling my face.
Let's spend one more night here together, and then let's go home and then...
And we'll just pretend like it never happened.
...face reality. No. - That's the big plan?
No. I love you.
That's not fair. That's not fair of you to say that to me.
Please, Peter.
- Tell me you're sorry. - I'm so sorry.
I missed you.
I'm sorry.
God, I missed you, Peter.
All right.
Get hard for me, Pete. Get hard for me.
- I know what I'm supposed to do. - Okay.
Just do it. Come on. Get hard.
- I'm trying. - Okay.
- Here. Just let me do it for a second. - Okay.
I really want you, Peter. I missed you.
You don't want help?
- You don't want help? Uh-huh. - Can you be quiet just for a minute?
Do you want my hands?
Maybe just don't talk for a second is what I mean.
Do you want my mouth?
- Yeah, maybe your mouth. - Yeah. Okay.
What's the problem, Peter?
- I don't know... - More?
You can keep trying if you want.
What's wrong with you?
- Nothing is wrong with me, okay? - Okay.
- No, I didn't... - Just, something doesn't feel right any more.
Okay. Well, did you... You know what?
Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink...
Excuse me.
No, I haven't had anything to drink today.
Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces,
and so my cock doesn't want to be around you any more, okay?
Ever!
Because you know what I just realised? Huh?
You're the God damn devil. Okay?
Wedding in Hawaii! Real original!
- Hey. - Hey, Rachel.
- Sarah and Aldous broke up this morning. - What a surprise.
So I went to check on Sarah, and...
Listen, I'm here because I don't want to lie to you, okay?
Some stuff happened.
I'm really, really sorry that it did,
but I'm also really glad that it did, because
I'm able to see so clearly now that Sarah and I are not right for each other.
What stuff?
I went up to make sure that she was okay, and it got weird.
But now everything is fine.
And I need you to understand
that I meant everything that I said to you this morning.
What exactly happened, Peter?
We fooled around a little bit.
Shut the fuck up, and tell me exactly what you did.
All right. I went to her room, and she was crying and crying and crying.
And I felt like I should comfort her.
And then she started kissing me because I was comforting her.
And then the next thing I knew, I was kissing her
because she had been kissing me because of the comforting.
Then she started taking my clothes off, and then her clothes were off.
Then she performed 10 to 15 seconds of oral sex on me.
Okay. Peter, you can leave now.
- At the most. Maximum. - Thank you for staying at Turtle Bay.
Rachel, please don't do this.
The only reason I'm telling you this is because I really care about...
Listen to me, Peter.
I was a mess, too. I understand. Okay?
But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole.
Listen, I know that I fucked things up for a minute,
but I'm not like every other asshole.
You should not be with anybody right now.
Anybody.
I know...
I know that there is something here.
I know that I was not wrong about that.
And, yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.
I need you to leave.
Do not write me. Do not call me. Do not e-mail me.
Peter, I need you to go.
I won't bother you any more.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do.
Hey, brother, what you doing, huh? You stealing my art?
I want you to put it back right now. Put it back, bro!
Listen, give me the picture.
Doo-doo paper. You're throwing doo-doo paper?
Give me the picture.
Don't be stupid, brother. Just give me the picture.
You can hit me as many times as you want. I'm not giving you the photo back.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. Peter, I told you I did not want to see you.
Aloha, I'm Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime.
And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence,
I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines to my favourite destinations.
Now sit back and enjoy your in-flight entertainment.
I know I will. Mahalo.
Everybody hates you
Everybody wishes that you were dead
Because, Peter, you suck
Peter, you suck
Peter, your music is fucking terrible
Peter, you suck
Peter, you don't do anything of value
Peter, you suck
Write some music but instead you sit and write these bullshit songs
It's so self-loathing
Go see a psychiatrist I hate the psychiatrist
Well, go see one anyway
I don't like the psychiatrist
You need to go and see one
See a psychiatrist
I'm not going
It's getting kind of hard to believe things are going to get better
I don't understand what there is to think about.
Because, D, he...
She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
- Of course it counts. He... - He what?
He refused a blowjob from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowjob.
Do you know what that's like for a man? It's called blue balls, Rachel.
This guy is like Gandhi, but better.
He likes puppets.
I love puppets.
I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop. I love Elmo.
Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie, Snuffelupagus. Fucks my shit up.
This is a song that I never thought I would write
On the night I'm dying
Sorry for all the wrong I've done
I'm finished trying
It was a wonderful dream Now let him come and slay me
There he is
The demon who haunted the streets of London
I've come to slay you
Here I am!
I'll leave you bleeding in my dungeon
I'll never obey you I'll rip out your oesophagus
Please, Mr Van Helsing Listen to me
He is just a man who wishes to be free
Lay him in a hearse You must end this curse
He is the worst!
Don't go my love
I can't say goodbye
My reign is done
It's time to die
I'm pregnant
Dracula
What have I done?
Has flown above
Who killed Dracula?
But he found a taste
A taste for love
My life is a lie
Sweet Dracula I miss my young dead prince
I'll never see him again
Until my death
What a wonderful dream
To find a taste for love
A taste for love
Wow. You came. I can't believe that you came.
Peter, this is great.
- It was really funny. Yeah. - Thank you.
You know what? I didn't realise that it was a comedy,
and then someone told me that, and it just, like, opened the whole thing up.
- How long are you in town for? - Open-ended.
- Bold. - Yeah.
Yeah, you know, I'm kind of checking out some schools.
- Congratulations. - Yeah, maybe.
You never called.
You told me not to. And I listened.
- Right. - Wasn't easy.
I might have called once and hung up.
- No. No. - From a private number.
No.
Maybe.
Peter! Nice job, Bretter.
Well, you should probably go back.
Would you like to hang out while you're here?
- Maybe we could go to dinner or... - Yeah.
- Still have my number? - Yeah. Yeah, I'll call you.
- Go. - Yeah, I should do that.
Yeah, yeah. Go mingle.
Hey, Peter! Hey, Bretter!
Come over here and meet my mom!
- Go, go. - Off I go.
- Hey, Peter. - Nice job, Bretter.
The play was sick, man. Good work.
- Nice job. - Good job, man. That was awesome.
So cool!
Peter, congratulations.
I just wanted to say thank you. I had such a great time tonight.
Oh, good. You know what? I'm gonna change out of this unitard,
- 'cause I'm getting a chafe. Okay. - Enough said.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Hey, Peter?
I was just calling you.
- Wow. - Oh, Peter.
- I'm sorry. - Stop laughing.
Can you please stop laughing?
I missed you.
I just...
You know, I actually wanted to tell you that I've been thinking so much about...
This fall, Sarah Marshall is back in a brand-new role.
Your wife had no enemies that you're aware of.
Get ready for the most daring show on television.
- Just came home, and she was lying there. - Right.
In a world where you don't know who to trust.
Charlie, who's Franco Marconi?
- No. No. - Gun, gun, gun, gun. Drop it, drop it.
Go with your animal instincts.
- How did you know? - She's an animal psychic.
Sarah Marshall returns on Animal Instincts.
Life's a bitch.
And where you're going, that's exactly what you'll be.