There are a hundred billion galaxies in the universe, bhaijaan.
So what?
And in each galaxy there are two hundred billion stars.
And around each star, countless planets.
Get to the point!
My point is that you could live anywhere else, but no!
You had to be born here!
Watch your tongue, bhaisahab! This land is ours!
I'll tell you whose land this is...
You may be frightened on hearing these hateful voices.
After all, your country is eternally peaceful.
But in a forgotten corner of the world, there exists a land...
Where violence is a way of life.
Such enmity, that bullets and bombs go off at any time.
Perhaps that is why it has come to be known as...
Behold the icy peaks of North Bangistan.
The polite gentleman who kept saying 'bhaijaan bhaijaan' - his home is here.
It is cold enough to freeze their bones...
But the people here are always hot-headed.
And the affectionate fellow who kept saying 'bhaisahab'...
Hails from here. South Bangistan
There are many doves here - Messengers of peace.
Too bad there isn't any peace, though.
But in their midst, there are also two friends who believe that...
Through co-operation, peace can be achieved here even today.
They are known to us as the Shankaracharya and the Imam.
Please leave me alone. Yes, sir.
Greetings Shankaracharyaji. My apologies for disturbing you.
Oh Imam sahab, rules would pointless if they weren't broken.
You must have heard about the riots?
They have misused and misinterpreted our faiths yet again.
They will never understand.
You and I can help them understand.
If we declare peace together they will definitely listen to us.
The upcoming World Religions' Conference in Poland...
How about making an address from there?
There can be no better occasion!
Then let's prepare a proposal and...
And send it to all the Conference attendees.
Let's do it.
Let's see, I've got everyone covered except...
Would you happen to have the new Pope's email ID?
Email?! The Pope and I follow each other on Twitter.
We've exchanged a bunch of DMs. I suggest you make an account as well.
As you say, my dear friend.
Good evening, good evening!
Thomas... Allison...
Hello... Jerry...
Have a good day sir...
That cheap man was hitting on me!
Yeah yeah, just work on the wool.
Whew, met the quota for the day.
Okay, thank you!
Haatim bhaijaan, haven't I told you not to call me here!
I can make calls from here but not answer any.
Yes, I will be at the meeting on time -
Harold!
Hello? Hello...
May I speak with Katherine Polanski please?
Yes?
Good Afternoon! This is Harold...
Calling from Dream Savers personal loan company.
We provide loans for all your needs ma'am.
My needs... hmm...
Do you have any?
Oh yes, I have needs. Please tell me about them ma'am.
I feel lonely... Do you understand?
No ma'am, I'm never lonely... Dream Savers is an MNC, you know...
Give me the phone!
Hello? Are you there ma'am? Hello...?
Who is this?
This is Polanski. Now who the hell is this?
Sir! I was just asking ma'am if she is interested in-
Interested, you punk? What is your name, you telemarketing pig?
Harold... Tell me your real name!
Hafeez bin Ali, sir...
Hafeez bin Ali...
You are flirting with a terrorist.
Andrzej, he's not a terrorist. He's just a- Shut up!
Listen to me, you mention ma'am once more...
And I will personally send a drone to Afghanistan to blow you!
To blow you up.
Sir, there's been a miscommunication! I'm from Bangistan.
Nonsense! Remember what we did to Osama bin Laden? Remember?
I'm going to ask Mossad to do the same to you!
I'll have them cut your head off...
And eat your eyeballs straight off the barbecue!
Terrorist!
Thank you sir. Have a good day.
We are always here to serve you.
How long must we suffer this indignity?
Just because we are Muslim, the world calls us terrorists!
How do clients always find out you are Muslim?
Work on your accent Harold.
My name and accent can change for this job, but not my faith.
I was and remain a true Muslim.
I'm leaving this job.
Harold... Harold... Don't get emotional mate!
Here, Guruji... Four latts.
The Shankaracharya has ruined everything.
If the riots continued we would have won the election.
Riots are easy, Guruji. We'll burn three or four houses during election.
You can't handle this. We must burn at least...
ten or twelve houses.
Shut up! Low minded idiots...
Let's go international!
Learn from the enemy. They capture the world's attention!
London... New York... Paris!
We'll have to make a statement at this conference.
To multiply from one seat to a hundred we must alter our strategy.
We must make a sacrifice!
Sacrifice?!
If someone from our community sacrifices himself...
What will happen?
It will cause pain.
Felt it?
Pain leads to fear, and we will exploit that fear.
When people are afraid they seek protection.
Who will protect them?
We, Maa ka Dal, will!
We will ask people to make us strong...
So that their children don't have to give their lives for their rights.
I will stop at nothing to achieve this.
Nobody can stop us!
We will shed fountains of blood and...
Guruji, this is quite a conspiracy!
Not a conspiracy, my man. This is politics.
You know that local stud who is dying to serve the party?
Let's use him.
A fierce war was fought only for you, O Sita!
The battle raged night and day Only for you, O Sita!
O Lord Hanuman! Come save Laxman's soul!
Witness the Lord on his voyage to obtain the Herb of Life!
Set forth, O Lord!
Jai Sri Ram!
Jai Sri Ram! Jai jai Sri Ram, jai jai Sri Ram!
Following his dashing entry the Lord has set off on his quest!
How did it go, bro?
Absolutely awful.
Even though the tickets are free...
There were more people on stage than in the audience.
But once I become a superstar people will shell out money to see me.
Yeah, people are staying at home because of the riots.
Revenge, not riots! We have taken our revenge this time,
This time, we didn't remain docile like always!
Surely you don't mean that bro.
I mean every word!
These people stay on our land, eat our grain, and rule over us!
The government, the media... Everyone caters only to them.
I tell you, soon we won't be in the majority.
That's good... The government will cater to you in that case.
Man, you have ten heads, but not one brain.
And your brain has been addled by that Guruji fellow.
Another word against Guruji and I'll smash your head!
Have you gone mad?!
That Guruji is a charlatan!
Help! Help!
You dare to insult Guruji! I would happily give up my life for him.
The man is an angel!
Stupid Raavana...
Hafeez bin Ali! Hafeez bin Ali!
Wherever you are, please come to rear entrance.
You are being awaited there.
Hafeez, let's go.
Haatim!
Obviously, the meeting can't happen here now.
Abba has decided to convene elsewhere.
But... where? Just come with me.
Here?!
Follow me.
Ah, the mighty Harold has arrived!
Get me a BigFac first. Go on, get in the line!
Two BigFacs, please. A few cups of the chutney.
I'm sick of waiting. Give me my coffee already!
Yes sir, I'll bring it right away.
Bhaijaan!
Thank you.
Two FcChickens!
We must convince Abba to keep all the meetings here now.
Yeah man, there's no point meeting at mosques.
Now show us the poster.
Such a bad quality print.
He is only fit to serve white people. Hello hello, tring tring!
He's lazy when it comes to serving the community.
No, Omar.
Enjoy your burger...
Harold!
Please call me Hafeez.
And I have quit that job.
You didn't quit Hafeez...
It was all Allah's will.
It is now time for you to join your brothers and...
Dedicate yourself to the good work of Al Kaam-Tamaam.
24/7.
Abba he is not fit to work for Al Kaam-Tamaam.
He couldn't even get a good quality print of the poster.
It's not his fault, Zulfi.
Those call center guys have brainwashed him by calling him 'Harold'.
This is pure American propaganda, my boys.
I ask, what have the Americans given the world?
Idiot! Regular again!?
Didn't I tell you I drink only Diet Cola!
The Americans are sneaky and deceitful.
They murdered our dear cousin Osama in cold blood.
This is our opportunity to take Al Kaam-Tamaam beyond Al Qaeda...
And replace cousin Osama!
What is the way forward?
Hey Guruji... Hey Guruji!
In life or death...
I seek refuge with him.
I'm off to meet him...
The one and only Guruji!
My heart beats only for him...
The one and only Guruji!
Hey Guru!
My humble greetings to you, Guruji!
This is a dream come true. What a party you have established...
Maa ka Dal.
I am merely the founder.
It is the workers who bring glory to the party.
You speak with the sincerity of angels!
6 September, 1992!
Were you there? What a speech! Building the nation! Uniting all Hindus!
Jasmines, Roses, Lilies, Tulips and Marigolds...
Many flowers, all united in one garland!
You heard me speak that day?
Not just 6 September! 27 February 2002. 8 April 2006, 29 December 2008...
I have attended all your speeches!
Your words are inspirational like heroic poetry!
Like pointed arrows that pierce the heart!
They ignite the audience's passions...
Inflame their souls... Spur them into action!
Your speeches always inspire me to beat up at least three or four enemies!
Guruji, we've found our man!
He can't handle this. He only beat up three or four enemies.
Guruji has picked this man himself!
Our party is under threat and this man will now save us.
Guruji... are we really in peril?
The Imam is ready to embrace the enemy.
He is laying our Muslim brothers' sacrifices to waste.
Instead, he intends to fly birds of peace!
Just say the word, Guruji. I will raise an army for you.
This battle calls for a conspiracy. Not an army.
But Abba, the Quran asks us to consider everyone brothers and...
We have considered them brothers so far, Hafeez...
But have they returned the sentiment?
So... How was the show yesterday, Praveen?
Great, Guruji!
How many people showed up?
You are meant for much greater things, Praveen Chaturvedi!
Maa ka Dal needs you today to come into power!
Fancy a trip abroad? Abroad?
Poland! There's a beautiful city there...
Krakow.
There, we must establish our might!
One of you must give up your life for this cause.
You must sacrifice yourself!
We must create havoc!
Al Kaam-Tamaam! Al Kaam-Tamaam!
Suicide...
Bomb.
Guruji... bomb!?
This will be your life's greatest and final performance!
Sacrifice is out of the question.
The door to heaven awaits and the key...
Will be presented to one of you.
In heaven, you will find...
Plates full of exotic sweets...
The golden sands of a majestic desert...
And one thousand and one enticing camels!
Fifty one Arab horses...
And seventy two beautiful virgins...
Untouched and full of grace!
Patience, my boy... Or I myself will reach heaven...
For this glorious mission I have chosen...
Me, Abbajaan, pick me!
Hafeez bin Ali!
At your service!
Jai Maa ka Dal! Jai Maa ka Dal!
I have picked Hafeez after careful consideration
He speaks English and talks to foreigners everyday...
And behold his beard! Longer than anyone else's.
Will the bomb be in his beard? I'll show you who's is longer, come here!
Idiot!
Hafeez will handle the job. Right, my son?
Yes, Abba.
Here, Hafeez...
The Brits compiled these about...
The lives of the enemy two hundred years ago.
Abba, if I'm not mistaken... Shouldn't we read the Quran at such a time?
This is known as 'taqiyya', my son...
Which means that in times of grave danger...
To defeat the enemy you must become him.
But at the conference you will blow up the bomb as a...
sincere Muslim.
I won't become an engineer, I won't become a dentist.
Mom I promise you I will become a terrorist.
Friends and brothers; I will kill everyone
I have the faith and a strong belief.
Revolution, revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Revolution, revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Stanza 16: Love and kindness to all living beings...
2:224: Peace and forgiveness to everyone...
I have just one aim. Complete mayhem.
Every terrorist is my role model.
Terrorists always win, history is witness.
I have the faith and a strong belief.
Revolution, revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Revolution, Revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Praveen, what is all this?
You have to spread our ideology... But you are losing your own identity!
Fooled you, didn't I Guruji? Mama Mareech!
Mama Mareech?
Haven't you read the Ramayana?
Mareech mama used such great makeup to...
Change into a deer and alter the course of the Ramayana!
Similarly, I will change myself and cheat the enemy...
This is known as method acting!
Even if I'm caught before the mission is complete...
No one will suspect you and Maa ka Dal will be safe.
Then, once the stage is coloured with blood...
Drop the curtains, dim the light bulbs...
I will have won my Academy Award.
Live long, my boy, live long!
I told you!
Dark days and black nights. That's all we'll see.
We will quell the enemy.
Rivers of blood will quench this infinite thirst.
I have the faith and a strong belief.
Revolution, revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Revolution, Revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Revolution, revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Revolution, Revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Aren't you done yet?
A deep voice and good height don't make every man Amitabh Bachchan.
You don't need any talent to play the monkey in local fairs.
Calm down, you are always yelling at the poor boy.
Why shouldn't I? He's going abroad and informed us only yesterday...
Might as well have told us from there.
And in any case, this home is only a motel to him.
Uncle, please bring back these things for me...
Yes, my dear.
Thank you, Uncle!
Yes yes, alright...
Come back soon, son.
Is everything alright?
Take care of yourself, ma.
Come, my dear Abba...
Promise you won't peek.
One... Two... Three... Four...
Where have you boys brought me?
And... Open sesame!
The enemy!
Excellent...
I couldn't recognize you, my son. What chance do our enemies have?
You are going to lay the foundation of Al Kaam-Tamaam.
All the headlines will carry only my message
The whole world will know my name
I will be surrounded by angels and virgins
I have the faith and a strong belief.
Revolution, revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Revolution, Revolution...
I will bring revolution on my last day.
Passport, please.
Ma'am could you step out of the line, please? We need to ask you a couple of questions.
You too, sir.
Sir?
Ma'am! I, Allahrakha. Full family Muslim... by birth.
Passport, please.
Ma'am, please check. My name is Khan.
Allahrakha Khan.
Sir, step out of the line please...
Go on, brother, go on.
You must search us thoroughly.
In fact, I suggest you leave no stone unturned.
The whole world is suspicious of us... You make sure we are clean.
Am I right, my friend?
You are absolutely wrong.
After all, aren't Muslims human too?
May I see your passport, please?
Ishwarchand Sharma...
Okay, welcome to Poland. You may proceed.
No, I will not proceed.
This is unfair. Why only our Muslim brothers?
Everybody should be checked as thoroughly as this.
Sir we just need to be more careful these days.
Checking is purely random.
Random, my foot!
Don't worry about me, brother.
Do your job sir. You do me, do me right now.
I think Hindus should be checked equally.
No my friend. Muslims will be checked first.
Hindus first! Muslims first!
Hindus! Muslims!
All Muslims should be searched from their clothes to their soul!
In that case, Hindus will be checked the same way!
Even our traditions say that Hindus and Muslims are like brothers!
Henceforth, all Muslims will undergo such a clear check!
As will the Hindus!
Ishwarchand Sharma?
Tamim Hussain?
So you're Muslim, Mr. Hussain?
Nope!
I'm a foreigner. A white man.
Fifteen years ago, I moved her from Bangladesh...
Citizen Hussain.
Keep my visiting card...
If there's any trouble, call me.
So what brings you to Poland?
In search of heaven.
Ah, I'll show you heaven.
Hey bro, where are you going?
You owe me 50z?. 50!?
You would've paid double for a taxi. Plus extra for luggage.
You're lucky I'm kind enough to give you a discount.
10 z? more. Why?
You have tip people for their work here.
5 z? more...
Oh, it's you!
And you.
Why are you so surprised?
All brown, third world visitors end up here.
We could've shared a ride here...
We've already been quite open with each other at the airport.
Hello there, Mr. Wildfried!
Two customers in one day...
You lucky old pomeranian, Wildfried!
It's Wilfred, Tamim!
Ishwarchand Sharma. Your new tenant.
No wild behaviour.
No tea leaves left outside the rooms.
No betel leaves - 'paan'.
No spitting on walls, no pissing on streets, no animals...
No goats, no lambs and no camels!
Goat, lamb, camel...
No sir, I drink only mother's milk.
I mean, Mother Cow's milk.
Right?
200z? advance...
Please show them their rooms. And Tamim...
Tell them I don't want a single scratch in the apartments...
Not one scratch.
Here are the keys...
And your tip.
200?!
It is very cheap.
Salaam Alaikum!
There's a newbie. We'll leave it with him...
Have fun.
Take care. I don't know if we will meet again.
Pay Rosie for your drinks! She asks me about it everyday...
Idiot!
So what do you think? Excellent, isn't it?
You've got a great deal, you know.
You lucky devil.
A Krakow duplex at this price? Nowhere else.
Duplex?
Enjoy your stay. Have a good one!
And take care, don't fall inside.
Excuse me... Nice! Nice!
Did you hear?
Someone passed away in your society.
He was a Hindu.
So?
What do you mean? Aren't you a Hindu too?
Er... Yes.
This is your chance to make some local friends.
But I was just leaving to get some things...
I'll get them for you. You only have to tip me.
No, I have to go myself.
So go later! In an emergency...
Only friends can help you, alright?
(Chanting funeral prayers)
Greetings, sir! Greetings.
Such devotion! Who can claim that our traditions have been lost?
The deceased will now forever rest in peace.
Sir, lend a hand?
These foreigners have far superior technology than us.
Even this funeral will take no time and cause no pollution.
No, sir. A holy wooden pyre is just something else.
Traditions and rituals are important...
Sir, please come with me.
Sir, pay no attention to these people.
They have no understanding of our culture.
Sir, I have a small request...
Please conduct the rites today.
Please summon the widow.
Why is she not ready yet?
Her husband is gone and she's very old now. Why bother...
What do you mean, sir?
She is supposed to be dressed her best for the sati!
Sati!?
Two people can't even fit in this contraption.
On a traditional wooden pyre, she would've easily immolated herself.
Anyway, I'll have her seated.
Sir, out of the way, please.
Put one leg here, ma'am...
No no sir, maybe it's best for you to rest...
I'll perform the rites!
Traditions have truly been lost.
Ah, friend!
Returning from a temple? Found one already?
I'm in a hurry, I have to make a phone call...
Me too! Let's go together...
I need some clothes...
Take my jacket, I have two!
There's no need - No, I insist!
Please listen to me...
You look great, like fresh eggplant! Eggplant!?
These clothes are so weird...
Salaam Alaikum Abba.
Alaikum salaam! How are you?
I'm great. This city is awesome!
You've been touring the city all day?
I got stuck with someone in -
Hafeez, you are not there on vacation!
There's no time to waste,
Relax, Guruji.
Guruji, ask about the bomb!
Have you bought the explosives?
I'm just about to.
You will bring glory to Al Kaam-Tamaam!
With your blessing, the whole world will know Maa ka Dal.
Khuda haafiz, Abba. Hafeez...
I mean Jai Mata di, Abba.
Khuda haafiz.
Guruji, a great actor is always in character.
Oh okay... take care.
Careful, my boy!
It won't stay erect...
Mr. Missile Bobbitsky?
Yeah... Mikhail Bobbitsky.
I'm Ishwarchand Sharma. I'm here to buy a bo -
Shhhh!
They are listening...
So you are here to buy potatoes?
Our potatoes are the best Mr. Sharma...
We export to every part of the world...
Hello! Hello!
Me Allahrakha Khan... You Huang Changping?
It is my privilege to host you, sir.
I'm very pleased to meet you.
I hope you had no trouble finding my humble abode.
No...
No... But... You speak Urdu?
A good salesman knows the customer's language, sir.
Mr. Bobbitsky, I don't want potatoes! I'm here for a-
Mr. Sharma!
You want potatoes...
Welcome to Area 52!
Wow, Mr. Bobbitsky...
Russian...
Cousin!
I need...
Relax! They can't hear us here...
Have a look...
Welcome to Mikhail Bobbitsky's Bombs n' Roses!
It will shake you up!
Are you looking for a bomb that will solve all your problems?
Then your search ends here!
Cindy, no praise is enough for this product...
The customers themselves are witness!
It doesn't pay to be cheap...
In 1999, I ... Shut up!
I bought a *beep* Ltd. suicide bomb
The mission failed and I only lost one arm.
Have some tea.
Any chance I could sample the product?
Would you prefer to explode here or elsewhere?
This is not a present for your wife...
This is a suicide bomb. How exactly will you sample it?
But what if-
Don't worry about the bomb. It is Made in China.
Even our mobile phones explode spontaneously.
This looks like orange juice... Will it work?
Chinese goods, bro. Judge it only on performance.
It will blow you to pieces.
You're getting a bomb at the cost of a sparkler,
It's a great deal.
If I had listened to my brother and avoided a cheap bomb...
I would've been a martyr like him.
Did you hear that, Cindy? Yes, Tom!
Order now! Prices are on your screen. With discount!
Mr. Bobbitsky... Yeah?
Do you...
Do you have anything cheap?
How much money do you have?
Hey! Jung Nung!
The Chinese don't bow. That is a Japanese custom.
Jung Nung, go!
They just don't listen...
They're playing with a ball of RDX!
Take your assembly instructions.
For such an amount you may have this potato bomb, my friend.
And with it...
Here is a copy of Bombmaking for Dummies.
Thank you Mr. Bobbitsky!
Allahrakha...
Isn't your beard a bit short?
All beards need not be honeycombs. What does a long beard accomplish?
What?
A long beard and cries of Jihad do not make a good Muslim.
As a Muslim, how can you-
You worry too much for Muslims!
You got angry at the airport as well.
Take care of yourself. Muslims will worry about themselves.
Ah, here it is...
Bull and boar...
This is the place Wilfred was talking about...
Looks like a bar...
So what?
A true Muslim has no place in a bar...
Isn't alcohol prohibited in your religion?
Well, you can have some...
I have never even touched alcohol in my life.
Such devotion!
I'm very hungry, come!
This is such a strange place...
This is a great place...
Based on the exterior, you can't even tell what's inside!
Two?
You're such an odd Muslim...
You are having so much fun here...
And you were insulting jihad earlier.
Muslims have been persecuted through the years.
The Quran says -
What does the Quran say?
The Quran...
The Quran speaks of jihad!
And what is jihad?
Jihad...
You know... What jihadis do...
I see... And what do jihadis do?
How would I know? After all, I'm a Hindu!
But as a Muslim, don't you know about jihad?
And the Quran?
The Quran says nothing of the sort...
You've been hoodwinked by baseless opinions.
Yes, the Quran says that jihad is a struggle...
But every man's internal struggle against sin.
Most Muslims do not understand the Quran. You're only a Hindu.
Haven't you read the Gita?
Gita...
If you had, you'd know the truth. Oh, really?
In the Gita, Krishna asks Arjun to...
Kill in the name of faith.
The Gita refers to righteousness. Not religion.
(Quoting scripture)
Lord Krishna says...
O Arjun!
Yes, My Lord?
Overcoming fear, anger and hate...
For the love of Mankind is the truest form of victory.
The Gita speaks not of our religious constructs...
But of victory... Of kindness over cruelty...
Of virtue over vice...
Of truth over falsehood.
Really?
Dzien Dobry!
It means 'Good Day' in Polish.
Would you like me to recommend a food order?
You're Wilfred's new tenants, right? Tamim told me.
Don't break his rules or else...
Won't you introduce yourselves? I'm Rosanna. Call me Rosie.
I Allahrakha! Call me...
Whatever you like.
Ishwarchand Sharma.
Here we go...
Poland's famous dish...
Ziemniak ze sledziem.
I'm vegetarian...
Come on bro, Rosie has brought it with such love...
Here.
Thank you...
So what brings you to Krakow?
I'm here to become famous.
How famous?
You'll know when my work is done...
In fact, the whole world will know.
Why, planning to blow something up?
What do you mean?
That just because he's a Muslim he's a terrorist?
It's the same everywhere. Aren't Muslims human too?
I'm sorry I upset you...
Don't mind him Rosie, he's a Hindu... He cannot tolerate insults...
Even against Muslims.
Okay guys, enjoy your meal. I'll be back. Bye!
Bye Rosie...
Salaam Alaikum! Salaam Alaikum!
Alaikum salaam friends. All okay?
Nothing is okay. Show him...
What is this?
It's a lamb. We want to hide it here.
Why?
Are you stupid?
We'll sacrifice it on Eid in a couple of days.
Unfortunately, this Wilfred...
Doesn't allow us to keep lambs.
You're new, so he won't suspect you.
Okay, I'll see you at the Eid feast!
And take care of the lamb. It is of a royal lineage.
Goodbye now! Goodbye!
Hey, wait -
Goodbye!
Amidst gunfire and notes of war
Straight up or convoluted...
One and many, dazed and confused
You push and shove, look deep into the enemy's eye...
And act on what the heart says...
I will fight the world!
Kill or die, I will do as I please.
I'm not afraid of anyone.
It's my story, I write my own script...
It's my right, and I own it.
It's my take, the rest is unimportant
My thoughts, and my wish
I will not stop, and keep moving on...
I will fight the world!
This way or that, it doesn't matter how...
The deed must be done.
I wield all power and control.
In a deck of cards, I'm the ace of spades.
I will smite the blots that they are
And run the world on my whim
I will suffer no more.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Boom.
I will fight the world!
Oh no...
Police!
Meet my friends...
Willie and Bahadur!
It's Wai Kar Wong.
My God...
What is this Tamim?
Willie, remove your glasses...
It's a hole!
We can see the hole Tamim...
Why is it in the roof?!
Mr. Sharma!
New kids in town. Desis.
Missing home... Trying to spend time together...
Duplex... Cozy cozy. It's alright.
Spending time together... Or planning to bomb the city?
Just because he's a Muslim he's a terrorist?
No no, you're overreacting... Let it go...
Don't get worked up...
They are only kidding!
Shut the hell up! Don't be smart!
You are right...
Every Muslim is not a terrorist.
You can also be one.
All clear.
Don't worry, don't worry...
One day real terrorists will come...
Then guess who will catch them and get a promotion?
Who?
You... You, my babies! You!
Let's go...
I'll see them off.
Heathen! Pest!
You two are clear now. Enjoy.
Are you tired, Bholu?
Want to sit here?
Excuse me...
How come you're here, friend?
You're here too?
Come, let's chat!
No no, some other time...
Rosie was looking for you... Let's go meet her!
Rosie? Yes!
Let's go, then! Yes, let's get out of here...
Come Bholu... Rosie is dying to meet us...
The Eid feast is coming up...
This lamb will be sacrificed in vain.
The Quran asks us to sacrifice something dear our heart...
To understand the true meaning of loss.
That's a real sacrifice.
But these ignorant people just buy a lamb and eat it on Eid.
It's cruel.
It was me.
You talkin' to me?
Who you talkin' to?
Me?
Well, there's no one else here...
You talkin' to me?
Me?
Don't worry Bholu...
I'll destroy our common enemies with this bomb.
There... You're Hindu now.
At least you'll find the right heaven now.
Eid Mubarak, friend!
Oh no...
It's Eid today!
Bro...
Take Bholu, they are here to kill him!
Salaam Alaikum!
Allahrakha, you look great today!
Hale and hearty... You've settled in well!
Come let's hug... Eid Mubarak!
Eid Mubarak! Eid Mubarak!
I can't see our lamb anywhere...
Have you eaten him by yourself?
My friends...
The lamb has gone up.
What?
It went up? Up to heaven?
Ya Allah!
The lamb was of a royal lineage!
What will we do now?
It's all Allah's will...
Ya Allah! Ya Allah!
What a miracle!
We only shed a few tears and Allah sent us a lamb!
Subhanallah! Subhanallah!
Friends!
What kind of lamb is this? It has a mark on the head.
The Hindu upstairs has converted it!
This infidel lamb cannot stay here... Get out!
Get out!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Ah I've found you, Sir.
Everyone is waiting for you at dinner... Come...
Idiots, hugging away as if I were a bridegroom...
If it weren't for the feast I'd have blown all of them up!
A real Eid celebration.
The sumptuous feast saved them this time...
Ishwarchand...
Ishwarchand!
Where are you?
Where did he go?
I can feel the presence of God here...
Bobbitsky... Bomb?
Must've been Tamim...
This...
How did you...
You great big hidden gem!
I know your secret...
I'm here for the same reason! I have a bomb too.
Here.. my bomb's formula!
Frock... Chocolate... Doll... Pizza...?
Not that, that's my niece's shopping list...
Come, I'll show you my bomb.
So...
So you and I are on the same side!
All this acting was unnecessary.
You turned out to be one of us!
You... Me...
We're both on the same side!
You scared me... But now you know everything...
Say no more! I've understood everything.
Like the two of us...
We want the people of the world to unite.
We have invited all major religious leaders...
To the 13th World Religions' Conference.
Hello... Hi Rosie!
You... For you... Cheers.
Allahrakha... This is alcohol.
So what?
It is forbidden in our faith.
It is allowed in her faith... It is a holy offering in Christianity.
I'm not Christian.
But... Isn't Rosie a Christian name?
What's in a name?
Allah himself resides in his name are you're asking what's in a name?
Immediately, one knows that this man is Muslim.
Er.. Just like Ishwarchand is Hindu...
I have no religion.
What? No Religion?
How can one live without faith?
All religions say the same thing.
Be a good person.
I try to do that at all times anyway.
So where's the need for religion?
I'm happy... Isn't that enough?
Anyway...
Have a drink with me. It's my parents' anniversary.
Oh... Let's go meet them!
They aren't here.
You've hurt her feelings. You're so stubborn sometimes.
There's only two days left anyway...
She takes such good care of us...
Even the Almighty would forgive a few sips.
There's only two days left anyway...
My friend.
Sure?
Come on guys... Let's go!
Here we go to party tonight...
And forget all our worries.
All of us have the right to a hangover.
Saturday night, full tight.
A mix of fun and intoxication.
The end of all our worries.
All of us have the right to a hangover.
Saturday night, full tight.
Paro or Devdas, logic or nonsense
Monday or Friday, normal or dry day
Boring or awesome, serious or carefree...
Life need not be black or white.
A mix of fun and intoxication.
The end of all our worries.
All of us have the right to a hangover.
Saturday night, full tight.
From cycle to metro, or modern to retro...
From gloomy to glitter, snail mail to Twitter...
From uncle to aunty, portrait to selfie...
Take the voyage of dreams; Saturday night, full tight!
A mix of fun and intoxication.
The end of all our worries.
All of us have the right to a hangover.
Saturday night, full tight.
A mix of fun and intoxication.
The end of all our worries.
All of us have the right to a hangover.
Saturday night, full tight.
This what you call a hangover.
If I may say so...
Green is a completely useless colour.
Have some green tea.
Let this be. What we drank last night was a lot more fun.
Last night was fun. No more such nights, though.
Last night was the last chance.
We'll never see Rosie again either.
Can I ask you a question? Heaven will be fun, right?
Yes, of course...
It must be...
Is there no guarantee?
Not in the scriptures.
Never mind the scriptures. They don't preach violence either.
So then why are we...
The elders have taught us this. It must be right.
But the elders didn't say why the Almighty is so complicated.
Why not let us enjoy life on Earth?
Maybe last night was the Almighty's will as well?
Just that He gave us a short time.
Only just showed us these pleasures... And quickly summoned us to Him.
Don't be disheartened...
Maybe He has summoned just me?
You stay here. I will blow myself up.
No no, I will blow myself up. You should stay here.
So you can be with Rosie.
That sentiment is enough for me. I'll blow myself up.
I can't let you do that. I'll blow myself up.
I have to go to heaven!
I have to go to heaven too!
Heaven awaits me! It awaits me too!
Stop saying 'jannat' for heaven! That word is used only by Muslims.
Why not? After all, we are both Muslim.
Your mom might be a Muslim, idiot!
Yes... My mom and dad are Muslim. My whole family is.
Like you, Allahrakha.
To hell with Allahrakha! A beard does not make me a Muslim.
I am a Hindu! My name is Praveen Chaturvedi!
And my name is Hafeez bin Ali!
Traitor!
You betrayed me!
It is you who has betrayed me!
I considered you a brother! Me too!
You people cannot be trusted!
Let me see how you blow yourself up...
This green colour... I should have known!
Put that down. You want me to?
Put that down!
Make me!
I'm going to destroy your bomb...
Leave the bomb... Leave it!
I'll send you to heaven!
Not one single scratch.
The terror suspects have been apprehended...
Two Bangistani youths are said to be involved...
Ishwarchand Sharma and Allahrakha Khan.
They have been arrested...
But are recovering at Mercy West Hospital...
before they are brought to trial.
Let's go. Let's go.
There are others here too. Are you mad?
Those two are mad.
Bombed the place. Terrorists.
How do you know they are terrorists?
The bomb didn't go off on it's own.
You don't know anything about terrorists.
But I do know those two.
Excuse me!
Willie!
Willie, listen to me!
What the hell?!
I have nothing to confess! I'm not a terrorist!
Those two desi rats. They have to confess.
We would've had their confession. We could've been promoted!
Instead of that we might lose our jobs!
No no, listen, listen...
I have a plan...
I have a plan.
What plan?
If I help them escape... And you catch them...
Then who will become the hero?
Who?
You Willie!
Guruji has come to Krakow. Everything will be okay.
Jai Maa ka Dal!
I'll take him down now...
Hafeez...
Hafeez!
It's me, Haatim.
Salaam Alaikum Hafeez!
I'm here now... Don't worry. Take some rest.
Couldn't wait to go to heaven, eh Hafeez?
You set off the bomb so early.
But rest assured. The mission will be completed.
You don't have to do anything.
Zulfi will go in your place.
He was so adamant that Abba gave in.
Abba said, 'before Hafeez reveals the plan...
Send him to heaven.'
So I came to see you.
I've got you a present.
This is full of air.
Air... bubble...
Is your arm numb yet?
Calm down, calm down! You're very lucky.
You're going to heaven!
Yes!
Patience... I'm doing it...
Transfer car has arrived.
We need to move the terrorists to court.
Yes yes... It's almost done...
Hey... What are you...
He was trying to kill me!
Why, this sweet baba ganoush... He kill a terrorist like you?
He's a murderer?
By the way, you two brownies... You know each other?
No... I do not know this man.
Come on, you are going behind bars.
Those were the days when I was blissfully ignorant
I had no religion when I was a child
And then I had one, and innocence passed
All ties snapped with my friend of another faith
Is he dead or alive, I have no word
Your God is not mine, my God is not yours.
I'm ready for war, armed with scripture
My remaining days are to be spent in battle
It's in my blood to wield weapons
Heaven or Hell, business reigns
I don't care how beautiful the world is
Your God is not mine, my God is not yours.
I won't let that bomb go off.
Our bomb will explode! Let my people come.
Nobody is coming...
I had to come. At the risk of my life.
Tamim! You turned out to be a real surprise...
Don't talk to me! Shut up.
Terrorist...
You give all Muslims a bad name! Still on about the bomb...
Shame on you!
But who sent you?
Enough!
I'll explain later.
Stop the car, Tamim.
Why? I said stop the car, Tamim!
You third world people... You can't take a leak here.
I won't let that bomb go off. Stop the car!
What are you doing?
Stop the car!
Idiot, we'll all die!
He was helping us run away!
Where would you run away to?
Anywhere! My people are everywhere.
Your people?
My people came to kill me.
And soon, yours will too.
Someone else is going in my place.
I have to stop him.
Now neither of our bombs will go off.
In you and I, in every human being
In joy...
In sorrow...
In music and dance
In the beloved and her lover...
There's only you, only you, only you...
You are the eternal phrase
You are the daughter and the mother
You fill me with such inspiration...
That my name is now Rumi
Ishwarchand...
It's Hafeez bin Ali.
Yes yes, Hafeez...
You've opened my eyes.
I'm with you now. What's your plan?
Anything... I'll tell the police everything.
And the police will trust you? We are terrorists, remember.
We are on our own.
Come, sit. No.
The bomb will go off by the time you walk there.
Come Hafeez. We'll stop them together.
I said no.
Hafeez... I...
I can't do it by myself.
You fill the world with wonder
You take away the worries
Your God is not mine, my God is not yours.
He's not coming, is he?
Here, wear these. I'll go change as well.
Jai Maa ka Dal, Guruji!
To disguise themselves, people usually put on makeup.
We've taken our makeup off!
Let's go.
Go on, take it. Aren't you hungry?
Eat.
Thank you...
For coming with me.
Come on bro, you're getting unnecessarily emotional.
Can I ask you a question?
How did you change your mind about the mission?
Praveen...
You taught me a lot about the Quran...
And I have studied the Gita deeply.
Eventually, whether cremated or buried...
We all reach the same place.
We're trying to save lives and you're thinking of death.
I...
I used to work in a call center.
Call center? I'm an actor.
Crowds throng to see me perform.
Once I deliver my lines...
Shall I show you?
(lines from The Ramayana)
You can't read the speech off the paper.
I wrote it in Urdu so you can memorize it!
Hafeez would've said it in English.
Abba...
Enjoying heaven's pleasures on Earth?
Want me to show you heaven?
Hide your face!
Bomb in a burqa! What an idea, Abba!
Any news of Hafeez?
No, Abba.
Let it be. No time to lose now.
Come back!
Pick him up!
Pick me up!
There...
That way... Go.
Let's go.
The enemy is here.
We'll destroy them today.
Here for the conference? Yes...
I wanted to support this peace initiative.
Same here. Who wouldn't support world peace?
Would you like some tea?
Diet cola.
My phone isn't getting any network.
You're using a typewriter in the age of the touchscreen.
Time to get you a new phone.
Welcome to the Conference, ma'am.
You can join the others right there.
Please.
Madam...
Please, this way. I will help you.
Alert! Alert! Car spotted. Terrorists running to city.
Yes! Yes!
Drop this stuff.
This is our chance to save the world!
I want to drink the nectar of eternal life
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
You want sunshine? Bring your own sun.
I write my own destiny, don't guide me.
No longer nave, I'm street smart
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
No longer nave, I'm street smart
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
I insist, I insist I will stay alive
What now?
We've got to stop Zulfi.
You go that way. I'll check this side.
Will people listen this time?
This time we'll try together.
The rest is in God's hands.
Hafeez... This... Someone else also...
This bomb... I... Good thing we got here -
You made a call, didn't you?
Get out of my way.
You turned out to be an awful actor...
Anyone would catch you.
Let me go! Are you in a hurry?
Yes!
I must have revenge!
Revenge against whom?
Who is our enemy?
Do you know his name? Have you seen his face?
You're just out to kill randomly.
I'll detonate the bomb...
I'll detonate the bomb!
I'll detonate it.
Detonate it.
I'm not kidding... I'll press it!
Who's stopping you? Press it.
Afraid of death?
I'm not afraid! I know you! How can I kill you?
Praveen Chaturvedi... You can't kill anyone.
You couldn't kill a little lamb. How will you kill all these people?
"Your people" are not those behind this mission.
"Your people" is your family. Like little girl who is waiting for you.
Hadn't she requested for presents?
Go...
Go back to your people, brother.
And now, a few words by the Shankaracharya and the Imam...
Before we proceed to the main conference hall.
Out of my way.
Let's get this over with.
Greetings everybody!
A warm welcome to all of you...
A warm welcome to you too madam -
This is uncalled for... Out!
Why have I come here?
Why have I come here in a burqa?
Zulfi!
I have come here to proclaim...
Er... What am I here to proclaim again...?
I've got to stop him.
There is only one true faith in the world.
We are all part of that faith.
All religions are born from this faith...
And will one day be swallowed by it.
All religions are tied together by this faith...
And must bow down to it!
Something's not right.
Today...
Today I will...
Show the world...
How did he get in there? Inside, now!
What's this? Looks like trouble. Inside, now!
I understand that sir, but the presence of authorities here...
Goes against the spirit of the Conference
There are terrorists inside! That's very racist, sir.
Sir, stop!
Stop, surrender terrorist! He has a bomb!
Everybody get down! Everybody get down!
Isn't that Harold? Why is he in Poland?
Not now, son. Only after we leave.
Why?
Don't you want to go to heaven?
We'll go together, Abba. No, son, no!
Get him under control!
Oh my Lord, forgive us our sins..
Save us from the fires of hell...
Oh dear God, save us from these terrorists.
Quiet! Enough!
I am not a terrorist!
Done talking to Him?
This Almighty... How does He communicate?
Does He call?
Or email?
Or send a courier? How does He communicate?
If He wishes, He can communicate directly to us.
He doesn't need middlemen!
A terrorist imparting wisdom. Who will listen to you?
I have listened to him!
Greetings, Guruji. All okay?
Don't forget him, Hafeez. He'll come to heaven too. Right?
Auntie, put on the TV. Praveen is on the news.
Praveen?
Threatening us with guns? We'll blow up the bomb.
Put them down. Let us finish talking.
Go on Hafeez. They have to listen to us.
But who to talk to?
Here's a Hindu, a Muslim, a Christian...
And you, sir...
I don't even know your faith. There are too many to count.
But all faiths are only doors...
Open any of them, you'll enter the same house.
Oh wow... There are 4231 religions...
And we're going on about our own faiths. You know why?
Because we were never taught about other faiths.
Don't be afraid of us. We're only the means to an end.
Be afraid of the hatred we are teaching our children.
If my child is killed, I should try and save all other children.
Instead here I am, avenging my faith with a bomb!
Sir, no matter which faith wins...
It is humanity that loses.
If you and I exchanged places...
We would understand each other better.
All we have to do is bridge the divide.
We already know this in our hearts...
Let's embrace it.
I have.
He has.
You can arrest us now.
Praveen, I'm glad to have met you.
Me too.
The two young men who were presumed terrorists...
Have actually sacrificed themselves to save everyone.
The death of the saviours is deeply saddening...
Their sacrifice will not be in vain.
Hafeez...
I want to drink the nectar of eternal life
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
I want to drink the nectar of eternal life
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
Today is mine, I'll live it up.
We'll see about tomorrow when it comes.
The embers of my heart will set the world alight
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
The embers of my heart will set the world alight
They say - die and go to heaven but I insist on staying alive
I insist, I insist I will stay alive
Useless bomb... Must be Chinese.