This show has taken us to many
exotic locales in our lives,
but none as exotic, as scenic,
oh yeah, there it is, New Jersey.
Zombie guy is just perfect for this.
He's as excited as we are to go to
the New Jersey Pine Barrens.
Who's ready to meet some Pineys?
- Hello again. - Oh yeah.
Again?
- It's our next episode. - Nobody remembers you.
- Hey.
- I don't want to be on camera.
Oh, come on.
This is our-our lovely and talented friend, Lucy.
Who uh, who is kind enough to uh,
drive us to drop off points,
and then wait to pick us back up.
And uh, uh, she basically eats the food
we don't get to eat--
For the 21 days.
Is this your first time in the New Jersey Pine Barrens?
- It is, actually.
Yeah, yeah, first time.
It's, it's a lifelong goal of mine actually.
It was on my bucket list for places I wanted to go.
So--
I used to date a girl in Edison, New Jersey.
But we don't want to talk about that.
So uh--
All right.
And action.
- Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of
Road to Nowhere.
I'm your host, Dallas Collins.
- And I'm Hank Souza.
- And we are here in the heart
of the Pine Barrens wilderness in New Jersey.
A vast stretch of untamed wilderness
where for the next 21 days,
we will be attempting to survive
off nothing but the wilderness.
- You know, a lot of people,
when they think about New Jersey,
they think of smog, highways,
and that one movie by Zach Braff,
but there's actually a bustling wilderness
that can be very dangerous in the Garden State, uh,
far more scary than any Kevin Smith movie you've ever seen.
- This is also a very, very special episode because
for the first time on this show,
we will be entering an area of the wilderness
that is supposedly haunted.
And we'll be discussing some of those urban legends
coming up shortly.
- And uh, hopefully this will be airing in October
so it can be our Halloween episode,
our first ever Halloween episode.
Uh, and if it isn't, then man, those executives at
the Home and Garden Channel,
you're really slippin', folks.
Get a grip on your audience.
As part of our 21 day survival challenge,
we've been allowed three personal items
to help with survival.
Now, I want to mention that these three personal items
are very important because any advantage you could have
in the wilderness could be the difference between
life or death. - Yes it would.
- But, other than these three personal items,
and flashlights, which we were allotted
because without light,
we're just dead in the woods. - Yeah.
- Um, other than these items,
we have nothing more than what a backpacker would have
if they had intended to be out for an afternoon
and ended up stuck for a week.
So uh, Dallas, why don't you show them what you've got?
- Yeah, so today, I have brought my knife/flint firestarter,
I have my military grade compass,
and I have brought my lucky slingshot.
Nice.
- Well, I have brought...
My utility knife.
Very, very important to always have a knife.
- Absolutely. - Both of us need a knife.
Knives ar every important, they're all-purpose tools,
and they allow you to very much survive.
So I have my knife, and I have a canteen,
for gathering water, obviously.
Uh, water is extremely important,
much more important than food.
A lot of people think that
they need to obtain food immediately.
You can live two weeks, three weeks without food.
But water, you've got days.
So I have this canteen here-- - Absolutely.
- So we can get the basics,
because we want to have fresh water first.
- Mmhmm.
- Then we'll want to attempt to obtain shelter and food.
- That's right. - And then of course,
the most important element, my sunglasses.
- Sunglasses.
Survival gear.
Nice.
- I have sensitive eyes.
Do you want a blind partner
in the woods?
- Uh, not necessarily.
I think that'll put a damper on my trip.
- Well, and if it makes,
if it makes you feel better at home, folks,
uh, these sunglasses are about as useful
as his slingshot.
My slingshot is very, very useful.
I have hit many, many things with my slingshot.
- Your knuckles don't count.
But now, we need to go further into the woods
and eventually find the right campsite for our first night
in these spooky, haunted, witch's woods.
- That's right.
- And we're gonna talk a little bit more about the uh,
the stories behind the New Jersey Pine Barrens
in just a minute.
But first, I got to scratch my ass.
They're not gonna use that part, I'm sure.
I just-- - No.
- I just thought that that would be, you know?
- I'm not gonna scratch your ass.
- One of the biggest legends--
Oh, dude, dude, dude.
Take off your sunglasses.
Take off the sunglasses, dude.
- One of the most famous legends surrounding the
New Jersey Pine Barrens is of course the Jersey Devil.
A story of Mother Leeds in the early 1700s
who had 12 children and said if she had a 13th child,
"May it be born a devil."
And apparently, it sure was.
And since then, the Pine Barrens in particular
have been haunted by this creature with hooves,
wings, and terrifying red, beady eyes.
Now, that being said, it's very important that I point out
that in the state of New Jersey,
there is a high population of cranes.
And cranes, if you look at a picture,
they kind of look a lot like what people describe
as the Jersey Devil.
So most people, most skeptics, myself included,
have dismissed the Jersey Devil pretty much entirely as
people seeing cranes at night because
if you look at the woods,
you're gonna notice, they seem, they seem pretty affable,
pretty nice, even on a gloomy October day.
But I'll tell you right now,
and you will find out shortly in the program,
when the sun goes down, these woods became...
these, we can put a cut in there.
These woods become very, very scary.
I think that worked.
I like that one. - Yeah, I think it was,
I think it was fine. - Yeah, they can cut
that slip up out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine.
Now, why are we discussing urban legends on a nature show?
Now it's important to remember that fear
is your number one enemy out here.
People tell stories about the woods
because they're afraid of the unknown,
and that is what gets you into trouble out here.
Now, you can't go into the woods worrying about witches
and goblins and demons.
What you really have to worry about is clean water,
and-and fresh food.
You can't let fear sink in.
The moment you do, you start to panic.
And panic is the number one reason why people get lost
and they die in the woods.
So we're here to teach you how to survive using,
you know, just what's in front of you.
How to survive, you know, a bear attack.
How to get clean water, how to get fresh food.
This is why we're here, to teach you how to survive.
- So how much cash money do you want to bet
that you can hit anything other than a tree
with your slingshot?
- I'm not placin' bets right now.
- Well I mean, obviously, when we get back,
you're gonna pay.
Uh...
See, he'd be fine with placing a bet, folks,
if he thought he could win.
- $500.
I will bet you $500 I can hit something with my slingshot.
You gave me so much crap about that.
- Okay, I'll tell you what.
You make it $750, you got a deal.
Sure.
- Seven hundred and fitty dollas.
That's what makes me holla.
- You're on.
All right. - Let's do it.
- All right, well then we'll shake hands.
I don't like that-- - All right.
- I bet you don't wash 'em, but I appreciate it.
- Well, we all know you don't like to use
toilet paper out here. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- Oh man...
I'm-I'm getting the camera out.
- Look.
Just come on.
One-one second.
Oh my gosh.
I just don't, I can't believe this.
New Jersey's great.
Wow.
Um, ex
Uh, sorry to bother you or interrupt or whatever it is
that you're doing.
Um, we were just passing through,
and couldn't help but notice...
Whatever it is you're doing.
We-we host a nature survival show.
I'm-I'm-I'm Hank, and this is, this is Dallas.
Um, and we are, uh, surviving in the woods
for 21 days in the Pine Barrens.
And uh, uh, w-why are you asking me,
what are you, pardon the intrusion,
but what are you guys doing here?
- We're performing a ritual.
Are you Wiccan?
- I suppose you'd call us that in some sense, yeah.
And why are you naked?
- The most important rituals should be performed skyclad.
- Uh-- - Can I talk to you
for a second?
Ex-excuse me one second.
- Hank.
No, we can't film this.
- Oh, we can't not film them. - We can't-we can't film them.
- We cannot not film them.
This is, this would never--
With a camera. - This would never
fly past the censors, this is the
Home and Garden Network. - Oh that's-that's fair.
Well, you know-- - You can't do it.
The editors may be blurring it on the show,
and that's fine, but they'll never blur my memories.
- This is a nature show.
The, yeah, the,
this is as nature as it gets, my man.
Just, just trust me this one time, all right?
I say that every time I get to see you.
Okay, um, I know you uh,
would rather not state your name, and that's fine.
Um, so, uh, just uh, tell us a little bit about, um,
yourself, what you're doing here?
- Well, what you came upon was uh,
an ancient Etruscan ritual.
We perform sometimes to become impregnated
by the spirit of the air.
Does your, does your family practice this?
Like, did you grow up with this?
And it kinda became your belief system or--
- This is my family.
This is my home.
Those are my sisters.
This is where I live.
This is where my heart is.
Okay, and uh, are you currently seeing anyone?
- Only the spirit.
- It's so much easier to connect with the spirits
and the essences of the world around us when
we're not surrounded by TV and radios
and-and televisions and computers and microwaves.
How do you feel about the fact that people
call this the witch's woods?
Do you feel like maybe that has something to do with you
and your, and your coven?
The people of your ilk that come here?
- I-I mean this, these woods have always been
associated with people who share our practices.
So, I suppose that would be part of it, yes.
- You cannot take the left-hand path.
It is dangerous.
We have a camera with us though, all right?
- You will be hurt.
- We won't-- - You will be hurt.
This land belongs to Franny Kalikak and her followers.
This is not your place.
You need to go.
So I noticed that these women kInd of
glom to you a bit.
Are you like their leader or something?
- I prefer to think of myself as a teacher, or guide.
Do you have any advice for anybody who's,
who's coming to these woods?
They seem very special to you.
Do you have any advice, uh,
for them if they want to commune with nature here,
like you are?
- Go home.
Is that in general, or toward me?
- Go somewhere else.
I mean, you ladies have all expressed to us
consistently that this is a loving and beautiful place.
But now you're telling me to leave?
- Love may be severe.
Okay, well, thank you girls very, very much.
And uh, maybe we'll see you on the way out, all right?
Blessed be.
- Ex-exactly, thank you.
That was so good!
Oh my God!
Beautiful day for this.
- It's not bad.
- I-I was, uh, mostly being facetious because
the clouds look like dog doo.
Uh, that is...
This is the most inhospitable-looking environment.
I don't think it's the worst we've ever had.
- It's not the worst we've had.
- No, no, not by a long shot,
but it's, uh, pretty chilly.
- No, this is colder than I expected.
- October, I think they were predicting around
50 is the low.
I think we might be
right at that already. - Well, yeah.
I think we've hit it.
- So um...
I don't want to leave an elephant in the woods.
But uh, did you know that woman back there?
- Yeah, the...
The one, the one of them, you seemed really familiar with.
- No, no, no, I didn't know her.
No, it was the first time we met.
- So I guess, due to...
The weather kind of being a little rough,
and the fact that I don't know how much
daylight we're really gonna have,
I guess we should start looking for suitable campsites.
- Yeah, uh...
Uh, it's not clear enough over here.
I think we need to go a bit further
before we find a suitable spot.
I mean, it should open up a little bit.
At least, I'm hoping that.
- I'm hoping lots of things.
- First of all, uh, you want to get some protection
from the elements.
So, make sure you pick a camping spot
that's under some trees or next to some boulders,
just to get some protection from the,
from the rain and the wind.
Uh, it's also important though,
remember that, uh, not to camp under some dead trees--
- Yeah. - In the event of a windstorm.
- We had a branch fall on us once in Peru.
Uh huh.
I remember that. - And he doesn't like to
talk about that, 'cause he picked that campsite.
- I did.
I am very, very guilty of that.
- That's the first time he admitted it, it's on camera.
Well, everything's on camera so--
Everything's on camera.
- So-- - Uh--
- Go on, yeah, so...
- You want to also-- - You want underbrush,
but you want the tree to be alive.
- You want the tree to be alive.
Uh, also, you want to camp near water obviously,
uh, to maintain a good water source.
Just make sure you purify it.
Uh, also, uh, make sure you're at least 200 feet away though
uh, because of flooding.
- Again, Peru. - If it rains--
Yeah, why do you have to keep
bringing that up?
- Peru was miserable!
- I know it was miserable.
You don't have to keep bringing it up though.
- The hotel after was miserable!
It was all bad!
Sorry, bru.
Sorry.
Hey, you know what?
I just realized something.
- We should do something like,
how about this time, you be the young, supple Alec Baldwin
and I'll be, uh, the manly Anthony Hopkins?
- Uh, I don't think this is like The Edge.
I think surviving in the wilderness is,
is a little different than that.
"I've gotta kill the motherfucker!"
- See...
You know I I could have been doing a show,
I could have been on Naked and Afraid with some chick,
and instead, they stuck me with this idiot.
- Naked and Afraid people don't get paid SAG-minimum scale.
Oh, but really, we'll get naked later, don't worry about it.
I got you.
- Don't, before you head off into any, uh, forest,
you want to make sure you let people
know where you're going.
If there are any park rangers around,
just go ahead and visit them,
maybe even leave a map, detailing where you're gonna end up
just so that, you know, everyone knows where you are
at all times.
- Yeah, one thing you always want to have is a map.
Of course, we don't have a map
because we are lost. - We don't have a map.
We are officially lost, that's not us,
that's what we're after. - We are lost, that's
kind of the goal.
But you--
You absolutely want to talk to people
who know about the area you're gonna be hiking
or camping in.
Uh, that's a very important element.
It's really important to uh, keep in mind the fact that
woods tend to all look the same.
- Yeah. - Uh, and that's why
it's so easy to get lost.
Uh, most people who get lost in the woods,
uh, are expecting to be there maybe a whole day,
maybe with a sleeping bag or a tent just in case
because they might, you know, think it would be fun
to stay the night and then come back in the morning.
But the fact is, these trails, if you look at them they,
they all blend together and they start to look the same,
very quickly.
- Absolutely.
- So if you're hiking and you don't know what direction
you're going in, you're pretty much guaranteed to be lost.
- That's why-- - Luckily--
- That's why it's really important to have a compass as well
and even if you don't have one,
or in, even in addition to having a compass,
even if-if you're alone out here,
you know, if you have something you can tie to a tree
or make a marker on, go ahead and do that,
it'll-it'll mark where you've been.
You know, in case you need to return the same way.
- Nothing would be stupider than traveling without a compass
in the woods.
Do your magic, man.
- All right, so, there are many, many ways to start a fire
once you're out camping.
My personal preference is the flint firestarter.
Uh, it can be a little frustrating, depending.
I mean, it can take a little while.
This wood is a little wet, so we'll give it our best shot
and we'll see how we do.
- I mean, you're frustrating and we keep you around so--
- I know, yeah.
- The key is to get a good spark in the kindling.
The other key is to try not to bore the audience at home.
- I am, I'm being very boring right now.
- Well, I'd rather be bored than cold.
- That's very true.
- And I do want to mention,
I don't know if this is gonna be consistent,
but it is getting, uh, a bit colder than we were expecting,
which is something you have to expect
when you're out in the wild.
Things aren't gonna go exactly the way you plan.
And uh, we thought it was gonna be warmer
than it actually is.
So we need this fire very, very badly.
We have...
Maybe 40 minutes of sun left.
Just about, yeah.
Well like I said folks, this can take quite a while.
- Well, I think after our failure finding the water,
we're going to accept no other failures today.
- Oh, oh, oh! - Oh, there's a good spark.
Oh, oh, oh!
- There we go. - Okay, we got it.
We got a little bit of flame.
- Got a little-- - It's very small.
You gotta feed it. - Uh, we're still,
yeah, we're good, yeah. - You wanna blow on the flame
a little bit.
Try to feed it.
Look at that.
That's how you start a fire.
That's why you carry a flint firestarter
instead of a pair of stupid sunglasses,
as your third and final item.
Oh well, I-I understand that your,
your flint firestarter starts a campfire,
but these sunglasses start a fire
inside the hearts of young ladies.
- I won't deny that.
I wish we had marshmallows--
Whoa, what was that?
What was what?
Oh, do you have your flashlight?
Uh, yeah--
I've got mine, I got it.
What'd you hear?
It's, I mean it,
it was definitely like a...
Like a, I mean it was kind of your stereotypical
branch snap, but--
Branches snap all the time. - But I mean,
I'm kinda freaked out 'cause I feel like,
I mean, do you think those,
those witch women followed us?
'Cause they were acting really weird
at the end of the interview.
And they could--
Okay, kind of.
That's a fair point.
Uh, but...
It definitely is making me a little uneasy.
Uh...
You know, for our, you know, first night.
- Well, don't worry about it.
I mean, like, unless you hear actual people,
I wouldn't worry about it.
It's a twig snapping.
We need to concentrate on getting warm
and just getting to sleep.
We need to get some rest for tomorrow.
We still have to find a whole bunch of stuff.
You're right.
We got plenty of firewood to burn.
So I guess it's time to call it a night,
and let the fear go to bed with us.
- Exactly.
Hey.
There is something outside of the camp.
- No.
I'm serious.
I don't know what it is,
but there's something outside the camp.
What are you talking about?
Look, look.
There's something outside the camp.
It was loud, man.
It was really, really loud.
- I mean, did it sound like an animal or a person?
I mean, I-I-I don't know,
I guess an animal.
- I don't hear anything now.
I don't hear anything.
All right, well, let's go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep.
There's nothing out here.
Put some more wood on, and I'll go back to sleep.
You just...
Go ahead, all right?
Ah, another beautiful October morning.
Yeah.
So how'd you like your, uh,
your floor mattress here, your dirt mattress?
- The most comfortable bed I've ever slept on.
The fire was really good though.
- It was good.
Good job, man.
So, first order of business,
take care of water.
- Find some water.
And uh, food.
- Food, definitely food.
Did
No.
You sure?
'Cause it, I didn't leave it open all night.
No, I didn't touch it.
I mean, I had my backpack here.
I was just sleeping on it.
No, I didn't go near your back.
I didn't need anything out of it.
Do you think...
Like a
- I don't know, I mean,
don't you think one of them would of them would have
woken us up?
I don't know, I--
You su-sure like in the middle of the night,
you didn't like a, you didn't decide to change the batteries
in your camera or something?
- No.
No, no, I mean unless I sleptwalk,
and I'm not known for sleepwalking though.
All right.
- One of the most important tools you can have
when venturing out into the wilderness is a compass.
But, just in the event that you no longer have one,
uh, there are a lot of really important ways,
you know, good ways to uh,
to find your way out of the woods.
As you know, the uh, the sun, uh, rises in the east,
sets in the west.
Also, if it's a cloudy day like today,
you can always find moss.
You know, moss always grows on the north side of the tree,
so you can find that, you know,
which direction is north.
- That's true, but it's also important to keep in mind
that uh, sometimes it's not always about
getting yourself out.
Sometimes you want to make sure that people can find you
when you're lost. - True.
- So marking your trail is extremely important.
Either by cre-creating some kind of an unnatural,
uh, stone marking on the path,
or something as simple as tying a piece of ribbon,
or you can even take out a, your knife,
which if you don't have a knife,
don't even bother watching this show,
you're not gonna make it.
But you take this knife and just
make an unnatural mark in the tree.
You're not gonna harm the tree,
and it's gonna let people know that you were through here.
No animal is gonna make that marking.
They're gonna know people are along the way.
And you don't have to cut every tree.
Just cut maybe every five or six trees along the path
at the same height to make sure people can find you,
and you can get to safety.
It's extremely important to make sure people can figure out
where you've been going,
because in a situation like this,
if you're moving a lot,
they're not gonna be able to find you.
But sometimes you have to move, much like in our case,
because we have no food and no water.
And uh-- - But we will soon.
We will soon.
- I don't know about you, but uh--
- I have a really good feeling we're close to water.
I think we'll come across it within the next hour.
- My muscles are starting to cramp a little bit because,
well, we don't have any water.
Uh...
- That's a-- - Something to keep in mind.
Dehydration can sneak up on you.
You don't even see it coming.
- So...
Once you have discovered water,
a good running water source,
you want to make sure that it's actually safe to drink.
You don't want to drink it straight from the source,
uh, simply because there could be a whole bunch of bacteria
in the water.
You know, some people say, "Oh it's, you know,
"if it comes from the top of a mountain,
"you know, it's perfectly safe."
No, don't try to, don't even trust that.
- You probably know this is you watch the show,
but Dallas hiked the PCT once.
I did.
- And the majority of people who failed to do
the 2,600 mile hike up the Pacific Coast Trail, they uh,
they quit very early on from drinking unpurified water.
- Yeah.
But with us, we have, uh, iodine tablets.
We're gonna find iodine, uh,
put iodine tablets in the water
as soon as we, uh, find a good source.
Uh, you can also use a SteriPEN.
Uh, that's actually a good, preferred method.
Uh, if you don't have any of those things,
uh, get a good fire going, and just boil the water.
But please, do not drink, uh, untreated water.
It's-it's not that safe.
- Whew, let's-let's hold up for a second.
Okay.
- So let's talk about food real quick,
'cause uh, I feel like, uh, it's on my mind
and it's on your mind.
- Yeah, well, I'm not gonna be uh,
using my slingshot.
Hopefully, uh, something will come along.
Best thing is just to stay still,
let the animals come to you.
Uh, maybe we'll see a squirrel or, uh,
if we're lucky, something even bigger.
But--
- The slingshot takes a lot of skill though.
And it should be mentioned-- - It does.
- You know, I gave you a-a hard time about choosing
a slingshot as one of your personal items,
and it is because the success rate is very low.
And one of the-- - Maybe.
- Biggest tools you need out here is patience.
- That's true. - If you don't have patience,
you're not gonna get dinner, you're gonna be hungry.
- Yep.
- Uh, the other biggest tool in the woods
is definitely Dallas.
He would be the other big tool.
So uh-- - Thanks, man.
- Hey, you know-- - I appreciate it.
- I got you, brother.
So we're going to uh, pick a good spot and stay there
until the animals in the area hopefully
get used to our scent.
I smell rugged and-and manly.
Which I guess they're threatened by.
A lot of people seemed to be threatened by it.
- No he doesn't, he smells like BO.
I need you stay a little quieter.
You got it.
- Missed.
Like I said, it takes a while.
Well, we only have enough battery for 21 days, so--
- Funny.
How did you miss that?
- I don't know.
It was right there.
Damn it.
I got nothin'.
Wait.
Hold on one second.
- Come on!
What'd you hear?
- Trust me, it'll be a lot better than your hunting.
That's what it's gonna be.
- Oh, screw you, come on.
Let's see you kill it having,
at least I brought a-a instrument for-for hunting.
You know, do you plan to kill anything with your sunglasses?
- Well, maybe if you don't shut up and follow me.
- Well, your sunglasses are killing me.
The ugliest things I've ever seen in my life.
- Oh, haters gonna hate.
Haters gonna hate.
Come on dude, trust me, you're gonna,
you're gonna be very happy about this.
- Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, buddy.
- I don't really think you heard anything, buddy.
- Oh, I did.
- So you did. - See that's the thing,
you keep forgetting, I hiked the Appalachian Trail,
Eagle Scout...
I know a couple things about one very important thing.
And that is finding water.
Here it is, buddy.
- Congratulations.
Do I owe you an apology? - Yeah.
- Uh, well you're the one who gets to drop down there
and fill the canteen and we'll call it even.
But now that we have water,
we can set up a proper camp.
- That's true. - And maybe, just maybe,
we'll be a little bit comfortable tonight.
Hopefully.
- The weather has been turning even more frigid.
- It is very, very cold.
- But-- - I'm hoping we can get
at least a fire started.
- Oh, I think we won't have a problem with that.
- No.
- Not with a stomach full of water.
I'll take it. - Yeah.
- I'll take it.
So uh, so uh...
How...
Uh, how stupid are my sunglasses now, huh?
- They're incredibly stupid.
They are the ugliest sunglasses I have ever seen, I'm sorry.
What do they say on the side?
- It's a band I like.
So uh, one part of survival that people don't like to uh,
talk about so much is the fact that
sometimes you need to conserve body heat.
It has been consistently getting colder in the Pine Barrens
every night, and the fire is not quite enough anymore.
So uh, so I guess we're gonna spoon.
Come here, it's okay.
You're only the little spoon
because I'm 30 pounds heavier than you.
- No, no. - So come on.
Come on.
All right, there we go. - All right, all right.
- Come here. - Okay.
- It doesn't have to be weird
if we don't make it weird, right?
- Okay, all right. - All right.
- Yep.
- A little warmer, yeah. - Yeah, all right.
- That's fine.
- Did you ever just...
Look at the stars, and wonder?
- Okay, please, shut up now.
Let's go to sleep.
- Do you think we all have a guardian angel?
- Don't care.
Just let me go to sleep.
- Every person has a soul mate.
- Okay, please--
- Now we can, we can sleep for real.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Jesus Christ!
Okay, Dallas, Dallas, Dallas!
I-I 100% saw an animal out there, or something.
I saw some shiny, beady red eyes.
You know what I'm talking about, like a,
like, what if it was a bear or something?
I don't know if it was a bear!
But what, could it have been?
I mean, the-the-the--
- I don't know. - It could have been a bear.
Did you see it exactly or--
Yeah, no, I saw the eyes of it.
They-they must have gleamed off of my flashlight,
or something.
Let's take a look around.
You sure you saw something?
I'm positive.
I just don't want anything to mess with our,
through the, through there,
I don't want anything to mess with our campsite.
- I don't hear anything, man.
Look, if you're so worried about it, just,
all right, here's what we'll do.
We'll put up the deer camera, it'll detect any movement.
Well, that was a night.
- That was a night.
But uh...
Hey.
That's uh...
Looks a little weird.
What is that?
I don't know.
What do you, what do you think it is?
It-- - I don't know.
It's just hanging off the tree.
Well I mean it's, it's creepy.
Like, why would it be here?
Why would there be kids playing
in the deepest part of the trail?
I don't know, what should I do with it?
Like-- - Throw it away.
Or keep it, who cares?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna toss it.
- You can do whatever you want with it, I don't care.
It freaks me out a little bit.
I don't want it.
All right, uh...
Let's keep, let's keep the pace, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey uh, remember when we were in the Scottish Highlands?
And your pants got, got so full of thistles,
you had to walk around half naked for two days?
- Okay, you need to stop talking.
Please stop talking.
Why do you have to make everything into a joke?
We're in a bit of a situation.
We have to find food right now.
Your joking is not helping, okay?
- Well, your slingshot didn't help either, but I didn't
scream at you over it. - Yes it does.
Yes it does.
I have hunted, I've, I have killed a lot of things
with that slingshot, okay?
- Tell that to my growling stomach.
I'm sick of your attitude.
You, you're an internet celebrity.
I know a little bit more about this
than you do, okay? - Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't have the hunting
and survival experience necessary, right?
Right, yeah.
Well, let's-let's-let's figure that out.
Let's do a wager that matters out here.
I'll tell you what.
How about this?
We'll split up.
First one to find food doesn't have to dig the latrine.
- Deal.
- All right.
Good luck.
See you at sundown.
Asshole.
So, I just want to say I have a secret weapon
that Dallas doesn't know about.
And I'm going to get, uh, something good to eat
pretty easily, with any luck.
Luck is a big part of surviving out here.
So uh, what we've got here,
is a nice,
a nice creek.
And uh...
I think I know what I need to do
to get some food out of it.
Certain kinds of fish like to hide in the shallows,
kind of where there, there are shadows.
And uh, if you sit long enough, if you're quiet long enough,
you can actually catch one using your hands as bait.
It's called noodling,
uh, which is illegal in some areas,
uh, because it can be a little dangerous.
But when you're in a life or death situation,
you just dip your hands in the freezing cold water and hope.
So...
It is way too cold.
One of the secrets to noodling,
other than being very quiet is uh,
you have to wait it out.
And this water is making it extremely difficult to do that.
I hope the camera caught that sound.
I don't know what it was but uh,
I intend to find out.
- I will show him that you can in fact
make the slingshot into a formidable weapon.
It is really, really cold out here.
My fingers are frozen solid.
So, I think it may be affecting my ability
to do this very well.
Whatever he's doing, I can assure you,
it is not as effective as this.
He will most definitely fail.
I'm gonna get that squirrel.
Still nothing-- - Dallas!
You've gotta see this!
All right.
This looks ominous, a little bit.
Kind of your stereotypical abandoned campsite.
But uh--
Oh, what do we have here?
Oh, thank you!
What'd you find?
Oh man.
- Oh man. - Not a whole lot,
to be honest.
Uh, looks like...
Somebody didn't uh, end up staying very long.
They don't have a--
Yeah, no tent, no fire, but they gathered wood.
They clearly ate a couple meals.
Uh, look at the food in these pots.
I don't like this.
Uh, this worries me a little bit.
Maybe somebody got sick of it.
I mean, I'm pretty sick of it already.
- Well I don't know why they'd leave this stuff here though.
I mean, that's perfectly good stuff,
that's perfectly good equipment.
I don't know why they'd just leave that here.
I don't know, but I do have some good news.
- Look what I found.
- Spam, nice.
You know what this means?
I found food first.
I mean, unless you got a squirrel in your backpack.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah I did, I'm afraid-- - You did not find food.
This is food.
- That is food, we will eat it.
I will not give you credit for finding food.
You found it in that backpack, didn't you?
- Well, if you're not hungry,
then I guess I didn't find food.
All right, there's yours portioned out.
Multiple portions.
Look at that.
Oh! - This still does not count
as you finding food, I'm sorry.
- This is pure protein, exactly what you need
to survive in the wilderness.
No.
Look, listen to me, I'm not trying to bitch
about having to dig the latrine,
I'm just saying that you coming across this food
is not the same as me going out with, you know, with a,
a slingshot.
- Just try it, don't be a baby.
You're such an elitist.
Eat the food of the people.
It's Spam, enjoy it.
Man.
See?
It's not that bad, is it?
- I'd rather have the lichen on the floor.
Where's my light?
Did you see that?
I saw something.
Maybe we should uh...
Try to make the fire bigger.
I think uh...
- I don't know, but I-I-I noticed earlier,
the clouds were getting a bit rough,
and I'm afraid in the morning, the fire's gonna be out
and we won't be able to start it again.
Dallas?
Dallas, where are you?
Fuck, maybe it's...
Maybe it's coyotes.
Jesus!
Jesus Christ, where were you?
Where the fuck were you?
- I went to the bathroom, man.
I was right over there.
Were you looking for me?
I yelled your name, and you didn't,
you didn't call out or anything!
- I didn't hear anything.
You all right?
Something happen?
What happened?
I don't know what it was, man...
What are you talking about?
I thought maybe there were coyotes.
- So I-- - I don't think so.
I mean-- - I tried...
I tried hollering to get them to go.
Nevermind.
- I don't hear anything. - Nevermind.
Just go back to, go back to sleep.
Good morning to be alive.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, so...
Um...
So the uh, the sleet and wintery mix we've been experiencing
on and off seemed to come,
it felt like every 20 minutes to 25 minutes
while we were sleeping.
Uh, it kept everything nice and uh, and moist,
very hard to burn.
So uh, our flint firestarter was pretty much useless,
so we had a nice...
A nice night with no fire.
And uh...
That was great.
Uh...
- I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
Leave me alone, please.
- Folks, if you ever wondered why after, uh,
about six episodes of season one, all of a sudden,
I showed up on the program,
it might be because I'm willing to talk about my problems.
It raises a fair point,
which is about your psychological condition in the wild.
Seriously?
This is what you're gonna do right now?
You know, you're being a diva right now and I'm being--
- I'm not being a diva. - I'm trying--
You're being a fucking asshole right now.
I'm trying not to get angry at you right now.
I tried telling you--
- I didn't sleep at all last night.
Leave me alone, okay?
All right?
Listen, I know you're pissed at me right now,
I know you're pissed at me right now,
but when they look at the footage,
when the editor looks at the footage and we did our job,
even though we-we were suffering,
you're gonna be very happy.
Okay, so I'm-I'm sorry.
What is this?
I don't know.
Did you put it in my bag?
It wasn't here last night.
What, did you put it in my bag?
Why would I put that in your bag?
Because there's no one else here!
- Oh, so I'm crazy that our bags were moved,
maybe by wild animals, or you,
while you got up to take a leak,
but there's something in your bag
and now you're so mad at me,
maybe you need a timeout.
Maybe you should go take a walk for just a minute.
No, 'cause you're acting like a child, okay?
Who else would have put it in my bag?
It had to be you. - Look at--
Are you trying to fuck with me?
- Look at-- - I'm trying to make
a fuckin' TV show, okay?
- Look at your bag.
It's full of garbage.
Maybe if you threw something away every now and then,
you'd know what was in it!
I'm...
Hey uh, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I didn't mean it, okay?
- Whatever, it's fine.
- You know, one thing I feel like I probably bring up
too often on this show is uh,
the extra weight of all the camera equipment
and batteries we're carrying.
It's about 40 pounds per pack,
'cause we don't have survival equipment in these packs.
It's all us.
All the time.
But I guess that is the reality of the situation.
It doesn't take you out of it maybe.
Uh...
You're gonna get dizzy if you keep doing that, man.
- Dude, this thing's not pointing north.
- Well, did you calibrate it or--
- Yeah, I calibrated it.
- It's just the only thing you--
- It's spinning around in circles right now.
It's not pointing north.
Dude, what the fuck did you do to this compass?
- I didn't touch the compass.
I didn't touch it.
What did you do?
- What would I, why would I mess with your compass?
- Because!
Where
Did you have another compass?
Yeah, the one from the campsite.
- I don't know, I-I didn't take it 'cause it's like a--
- 'Cause it's a crappy like, fourth grader compass.
You have a military spec compass.
- You have to take advantage of every situation.
Why wouldn't you take the compass?
- Because I thought we had the best compass we could have.
I-I-I--
What did you do to this thing?
Why would I break the compass?
- You probably fucked it up somehow.
You didn't know what you were doing with it.
You messed it up.
- Yeah, I-I can't use a compass.
This is not pointing north, see?
It's not pointing north.
Jesus Christ...
I didn't.
Hey uh...
A little cold, huh?
The packs are gettin' a little heavy.
You think uh, maybe we could take uh, a little break?
Tiny...
Tiny step? - No, we have to,
we have to keep going.
Maybe just a minute?
- No, we have to, we have to get a far enough distance away
from our previous campsite.
- And I'm stopping, just for a minute.
Just for a minute.
What is that?
I don't know.
- No that's-- - A marker.
That's, that's uh...
On purpose.
- Yeah, it's on purpose.
Some kids probably made it.
Might be uh, to mark their path,
make sure they don't get lost.
- Uh, well I mean...
But it's a triangle, so it has three points.
When you're marking your path,
you want to have a direction that goes,
that goes with it, but it has three directions,
because it has three points, so it's a very poor marker.
I mean, it's a good marker-- - Well not--
- Being that the geometry is not in-in nature.
- It's nothing, it's a marker.
Some kids probably were in here,
they wanted to mark their path.
Kids hiked...
11 miles, 15 miles, however far we are?
I don't have an explanation, okay?
I mean...
- Hey look, good news.
The sleet came back, right?
All right-- - I guess we're lucky.
Yeah.
- You know, so this is pretty bad, I won't lie.
But uh...
Do you remember when we were in the Appalachians and uh,
there was that mountain cat.
Uh, we were so afraid of it.
You threw, you threw a porcupine at it!
- Mmhmm.
- Oh, you can't buy memories like that.
You know, another thing uh,
when you think about cultural differences.
You know, the Bedouin tribe has this very strange
kind of ritual where they,
the men cover themselves in camel urine, I believe it was.
That was one of the weirdest things I had ever learned on a
Road to Nowhere shoot.
They covered themselves in camel urine
to be more attractive to perspective mates
in order to initiate marital intercourse.
And uh...
Kind of wish I had gotten you camel urine for Christmas so,
'cause then maybe Dallas could have some marital intercourse
and could be a little bit nicer.
- Okay, shut up.
Please, shut up, okay?
We're in a situation right now, okay?
- Just-just tryin' to...
Lighten the mood right now.
Definitely could use some marital intercourse.
Shh.
These uh...
These branches and this-this weird broken tree,
I-I-I'm almost positive we've been here before.
We've been going in the same direction all day.
So, no.
- Yeah. - 'Cause this looks exactly
like what we've passed.
- Well no, dude, we've been going in the same direction,
we haven't passed this at all.
I mean, we've been going that,
we've been going, coming from that direction the whole time
so, we need to keep going that direction.
All we're going is looking for the stream.
If we follow the stream, we can find food.
We can just follow that.
- Uh...
I'm pretty sure this is ours.
Look, these are cut. - Dude, no, dude--
These are cut.
We cut these.
We've been going
the same direction-- - Trying to get kindling.
We've been going the same direction all day.
There's no way we could have passed that before, okay?
Just keep going in this direction, we'll be fine.
- Just for a second, I can't,
I can't keep going at this clip, man.
- We have to keep moving.
- No.
There's no shame in just a minute.
- Dude, we really need to keep moving, dude.
It's starting to snow again, let's hurry.
- I know it's snowing.
It's always snowing.
Let's just--
Dude, we can't stop.
- Just let me get some-- - We can't stop.
- Some of the canteen, and then I'm right back at it.
Get some water.
- All right. - Thank you.
Man, these...
Uh...
No water?
- None.
- Yeah, totally.
- I-I don't-- - Where's the other,
where's the other canteen?
- We don't have another canteen.
You brought a canteen as one of your items.
- Yeah, didn't you have,
you had another one right? - I don't--
So that's the only water we had?
- No, I didn't let it get empty.
It was your job to fill the water bottle.
- I did fill the water bottle, but you carried it.
- I didn't, I-I had nothing to drink today.
What did you do?
- I didn't...
The cap was on tight, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah! - Okay.
- Jesus Christ, it's your canteen!
I don't know why you-- - I know it's my canteen.
It was your job to fill the fucking bottle, okay?
Come on, we need to get more water.
I need a, I need a minute.
- No!
No, no, we have to get more water.
- I need a minute!
Give me a minute, okay?
Give me a minute!
- You knew what you were signing up for.
This is not for the weak.
That's all you are is weak.
We need to keep moving, or else we're gonna die.
You understand that?
This is a survival show.
You can't sit down like this.
- Don't you fucking call me weak.
- What the fuck kind of-- - You fucking fucker!
Fine-- - We'll find
the fucking water! - Here's your show.
No, let's go.
There's your show.
Let me tell you something, hey.
One time.
That's all you get.
- Well, take me to the stream,
'cause you know how to find everything!
- Yeah, so lead me to the water.
- You're being a useless shit!
I have to do everything!
- Douse me in the water, captain.
Hey, here's one.
I know this isn't in your book.
Help!
- Shut up!
Shut the fuck up!
- Hey, hold up.
One second.
Look.
That's a shoe.
Yeah, it's a boot.
Why? - Yeah, but it looks like
there's like...
Some blood on it, like dried blood.
That's not blood.
Then what is it?
- Dirt, it's dirt.
Who would leave a boot in the middle--
You find all sorts of shit in the woods.
How would I know?
I think we should call somebody.
- No. - We found that campsite
just a couple of days ago--
- And now we're finding,
we're finding boots and abandoned clothes.
I mean, how, who knows how long this has been here?
This is a show, right?
So okay, um...
Folks...
It's important if you find clear signs
of people in distress that you do everything in your power
to help them.
- Oh, fuck off.
This is not the show.
It's not the show.
- You're right, it's not the show,
so get out the satellite phone and let's call some help
for these people. - No, we're not getting out
the satellite phone.
We're not doing anything, okay?
We're gonna make our survival show.
That's why we're out here, okay?
We're not here to be a rescue team, okay?
- Well, someone has one boot.
Tell me something, Mr. Survivalist Expert,
how far can you make it in the harsh wilderness
with constant fucking sleet with one boot?
- That's not our problem.
Our problem is survival, okay?
We need to get ourselves through this.
Give me the phone.
- No, no, no. - Give me the phone.
You're not, you're not getting the phone.
- Just give me the phone. - You're not
getting the phone. - We won't need the show.
- Just give me the phone. - You're not
getting the phone!
I'm gonna take it, then.
- No, get the fuck off me!
Get the fuck off me!
- Fuck!
We need to go.
- Yeah.
I'm comin'.
Well...
I decided to uh, take a walk to uh,
you know, relieve some tension and uh, it's hailing.
So uh, it is a lot colder than we'd planned.
And I'm hoping that it stops,
uh, as fast it came because this is a very difficult thing
to, to handle.
Nature, right?
It just...
Won't...
Stop.
It's uh, it's starting to get kind of dark.
And uh, I don't see any water.
- Your complaining is not helping.
- I mean, should we start thinking about camp?
Uh, I'm serious, we do not have much time left.
- We have to keep movin'.
- I'm, I'm telling you right now, we're not near water.
- Yes, we are.
We need, we need to keep movin'.
- Here.
Stand still for one second.
Listen.
Do you hear anything other than the sleet?
- No, and the more you talk,
the less we'll be able to hear running water.
- All right, all right.
But we're, we-we cannot walk like this through night.
You know we'll get worse.
We'll get lost worse.
We cannot keep this pace up once it's dark.
Are you listening?
- Yes, I'm listening. - I mean,
we're on the same page? - I'm hearing you.
I'm hearing you.
Okay.
Are we really gonna hike through all this sleet?
We're not gonna try to make a shelter?
If we started now, we'd have it ready
by the time it's dark.
- You know, I really need you to man up.
And just do your job.
- I am doing my job.
I'm talking to a camera and I'm giving you advice.
Suggestions.
Thoughts. - You need to,
you need to-- - Opinions.
Well, uh, the good news is, this uh, sleet...
Is pretty much gone.
Um, it's October and...
The uh, low for today was supposed to be 51 degrees,
uh, which is an important element of survival.
And that is, uh, always be prepared.
We wore uh, warmer clothing than we needed, uh,
because we knew it could be colder than we were expecting.
And uh, we wore winter hats.
We did not pack gloves, which was not wise, but uh--
This wind is really bad, man!
We're not gonna be okay if we stay in it!
We've gotta find somewhere to go!
Dude, we just have to keep walking, okay?
We have gotta find somewhere to go!
This is, I mean, this is the worst I think I've ever felt!
I can't feel my feet and I know you can't feel yours
standing out here!
Our best option is to keep walking, okay?
If we don't find shelter,
we're not gonna get to tomorrow!
We're not gonna make it, if we don't get out of this wind
right fucking now!
Come on, we gotta...
Do you see that?
Why would there be a tent out here?
There's a fucking tent right there,
I don't give a shit why it's there!
We need to get inside of this now!
I don't care if Jack the fucking Ripper is in that tent--
- Dude, we have to keep going! - If, if we stay in this wind,
we are dead! - We have to keep going!
My nose is going to fucking fall off!
Shut the fuck up and get in the fucking tent!
You won't find it.
W
I threw the satellite phone away.
What, are you fucking kidding me?
You...
Oh my fucking God!
What the f...
Shit...
Oh...
What are you, what are you talking about?
- We have to help them.
It's our job.
We have to go.
Go where?
Jesus Christ...
Come on, s-slow down, I can't, I can't keep up with you
doing it like this.
They went this way.
Hold up, hold up!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
At least take a camera, like,
we gotta do the show, right?
- Do the show.
- Okay, 'cause we're-we're out here doing a show.
I mean, we're gonna find these people and help them but,
we're out here doing a show.
Keep-keep it in mind, man.
- This way.
Wait, now, if we find these people,
they're clearly hurt.
Are, shouldn't...
Shouldn't we worry about like, what if we're in danger?
Like, there was blood all over the tent.
Don't you think we should be careful?
Like, how would we protect ourselves?
We don't, we're not prepared for this.
- This is our job.
We have to help them.
Help who?
You're, I don't understand what you're talking about.
Please slow down, man.
This is breaking me.
Please.
We can't keep going like this.
We can't waste any time.
Well, at least tell me,
where are we going, what direction?
Like, why are we going this way?
You keep looking at the ground.
I'm not seeing anything.
What is it?
Show me what you're seeing.
- They went this way.
Who?
Who went this way?
We're coming!
What are you--
We're coming!
You've gotta hold off!
I can't keep up!
I c...
I can't keep up!
Please!
Hold on!
- We're close.
Close to what?
- They're here.
Who's they?
Pl...
I know you're not usually the most communicative guy
in the world, but this is pretty impressive man,
even for you, come on.
It's getting...
We, why would we, it's getting dark.
It's gonna be dark in no time flat.
- Hank, this is our job.
We have to do this.
That way, straight ahead?
Come on.
Okay, slow down, we can't go this hard at night!
You know what we can't!
Come on, slow down!
I can't even keep up with you!
We're gonna, we're gonna trip and break
our fuckin' heads!
- They were dragged by their feet.
This way.
Who was dragged by their feet?
And if we need, they need so much help,
why don't we find a road or go to the pickup spot,
or do something other than wander in the woods in the dark?
Fucking Christ...
They're close.
Who's close?
- We have to find her.
Who are you talking about?
Wait, come on! - We're coming!
- I ca-- - We're coming!
I can't keep up with you if you're going that fast!
I can't keep up with you
if you're going that fast!
Fucking...
Oh, fuck...
I am so fucking lost.
Jesus Christ.
Okay.
I gotta find him.
He's a fucking asshole and he's insane but...
He's gonna, he's gonna die alone out here.
Fuck!
Okay, I hear you.
I hear you.
I hear you...
I'm coming.
Jesus fucking Christ...
Oh my God.
You're...
Are you okay?
Christ, are you hurt?
Dallas?
Are you okay?
What happened?
We-we've gotta get help.
We'll get you help too.
We
Goddamn it, answer me!
Oh my God...
What happened to you?
- I found them.
I saved them.
Who, who did you save?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I can help you!
I can save you!
Let me help you!
What the...
- Must save them.
Save them.
Save them all.
I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid.
I'm gonna go home.
I
I think we got it.
I think, I think it's good.
I mean did you, did you think it worked
or do you think we should do the end again?
No, I think, I think I came out fine.
I mean, I don't think we have to do it again.
- All right but-- - I think it came out fine.
If it sucks, we're-we're watching it tonight.
If it sucks, we're comin' right back and we're,
we're shootin' it again tomorrow night.
And I don't, I don't give a shit how cold it is, okay?
Do you know how cold it is?
You're not, you're not-- - I'm, I-I am freezing.
You're the one that's half naked.
Fair, fair point, but you know,
that's what, that's what people want to buy, right?
- Oh, that's true. - Not the chicks
at the beginning, it's you--
- No, it's true, it's true. - It's you at the, right.
What's that?
I don't know.