1
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:27,760
Be very scared.

2
00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:29,695
It's a difficult decision.

3
00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:35,634
You've bloody well
done it again.

4
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,236
I was keeping him out,
you idiot.

5
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,804
One is allowed to make
a mistake on occasion.

6
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,473
One is not. One is supposed
to stop bloody Justin

7
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,208
ruining us again.

8
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,611
Gentlemen, what
happened to fair play?

9
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,513
It died the day you were born.

10
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,584
Last domino.

11
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,286
Spawn of the devil.

12
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:01,660
I can't go!

13
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,128
That must be uncomfortable.

14
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,267
I suppose I better, then.

15
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,404
Come on, come on, pay up.

16
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,640
To them that hath
shall be given.

17
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,209
There you are,
bloated capitalist pig.

18
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:19,244
Don't hate the player,
hate the game.

19
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,146
No, no, I like the game.

20
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:24,683
Drinks, anyone?

21
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,819
Whilst you're up, Chris.

22
00:01:26,821 --> 00:01:30,089
Guys, sorry,
there's a bit of a glitch.

23
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:33,525
Run out of beer?

24
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,527
Yes.

25
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:36,829
A pump without beer,

26
00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:39,698
now there's
an interesting concept.

27
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,633
Is everything all right?

28
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,235
It's fine, it's just another
cock-up with the delivery.

29
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,471
- Won't happen again.
- Don't worry.

30
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,406
I'm feeling flush.
Let's have a bottle

31
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,674
of their second cheapest claret.

32
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:51,176
I want beer.

33
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,112
My mother always says
I want and never get.

34
00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:54,413
Exactly.

35
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,848
We'll have some cashews,
as well, please.

36
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,816
Oh, in that case, yes.

37
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,184
You to me.

38
00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:09,428
Good night?

39
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,896
They ran out of beer.

40
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,664
How awful.

41
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,867
Something's not right.

42
00:02:14,869 --> 00:02:16,435
Did you win?

43
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,871
98 pence down.

44
00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,739
Poor darling.
Is it Justin again?

45
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,674
I've worked out what it is.

46
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,644
When he goes home first and has
a little slurp with supper,

47
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,379
he's easy meat.

48
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,581
When he comes straight
on from school,

49
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,849
he's like the dominoes
equivalent

50
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,918
of Stephen Hawking.

51
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,787
What are you reading?

52
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:38,223
Oh, dear.

53
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,791
Oh, dear, what?

54
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,494
After returning
from a horrid day in court,

55
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,496
I had the pleasure
of scraping dog poo

56
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,732
off Charlie's football boots
with a toothbrush

57
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:47,933
that I hope I've thrown away.

58
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:49,501
This was followed
by a rugby match

59
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,936
masquerading as dinner,

60
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,338
then the existential
hell of bath and bedtime.

61
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,708
You have your dominoes.
This is my relaxation.

62
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,510
- Sorry.
- Yes.

63
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:06,251
Oh!
Oh, Geoffrey!

64
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,820
It's bad enough us
stocking the wretched book,

65
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,956
you don't actually
have to read it, as well.

66
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,791
You'll get high
on your own supply.

67
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:15,961
It's research.

68
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,564
Ten pages is all I managed.

69
00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,867
How many copies
of the new Zadie Smith

70
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,770
- did we sell last week?
- Four.

71
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:29,208
- And of "she came in chains"?
- Fifty-three.

72
00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,976
Including one
to lady Fermley-Cadwaller.

73
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,311
Who said it was
for her granddaughter,

74
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,979
when she was clearly lying.

75
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,582
Can't argue with
your figures, darling.

76
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:39,952
Nope, but I can argue
with its complete lack

77
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,653
of literary merit.

78
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,288
Which, of course, I concede.

79
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:46,525
And I can argue in its depiction

80
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:50,462
of all women as needing
dominated.

81
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,965
Doesn't stop me reading it,
now does it?

82
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:54,866
Didn't stop me from reading
"lady Chatterley."

83
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,236
Yeah, but that was
great literature.

84
00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,271
- Was it?
- Yes.

85
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:04,776
The act of carnality as
an explosion of sensuality,

86
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,345
expression of new wisdom

87
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:09,248
in the ultimate life
and love experience.

88
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,384
It was about having
sex in a shed.

89
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,586
Was it Miller who said

90
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,722
"it's all this cold-hearted
fucking, that is death and idiocy"?

91
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,624
See, that's what's so despicable

92
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:21,760
- is the cold-hearted...
- Stop pontificating.

93
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,296
Read your Hollinghurst.
Don't stress.

94
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:34,906
Very childish.
Very, very childish.

95
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:39,878
Do you really get any pleasure

96
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,382
out of reading
that ill-formed garbage?

97
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:46,585
Pleasure?
Let me think.

98
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,654
Do you mean am I going
to leap on you tonight

99
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,822
demanding that you have
your wicked way with me?

100
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,791
Hmm. Highly unlikely.

101
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,960
I have to take Sarah to have
her nits checked, first thing.

102
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,762
But if you mean
do I derive pleasure

103
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,730
from not having to engage
emotionally or intellectually,

104
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,465
then, yes.

105
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:01,967
Well, doesn't it worry you
that Sarah could write

106
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,735
more stylishly than...

107
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,071
"Lydia Lovemore"?

108
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:07,673
It would worry me if she
wrote some of this stuff,

109
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:08,940
I can tell you.

110
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,709
What Lydia doesn't know
about BDSM

111
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,544
- isn't worth knowing.
- BD what?

112
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,946
"Bondage discipline,
sadism and masochism."

113
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,648
Don't you know anything?

114
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,417
I'm proud to say I don't.

115
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,452
That's because you
haven't read the book.

116
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,988
And in answer
to your earlier question,

117
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,425
yes, I do want to be enslaved,

118
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,794
corrupted, beaten
and humiliated,

119
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,063
but not by you, darling.
You'd spend the whole time

120
00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:33,665
worrying about sentence
construction.

121
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,934
It's the basis
of all good writing.

122
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,437
Well, that's a big rich,
coming from someone

123
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:39,571
who's been planning
that great novel

124
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,574
since the first day we met.

125
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,710
The syntax may leave
something to be desired.

126
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,645
But at least Lydia
gets on her ass

127
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,113
and actually writes something.

128
00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:00,092
After the nit parade,
I'm off to London

129
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,928
to see my dodgy client, then
I'm taking Zoe out to tea,

130
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:05,063
and don't forget it's dad-and-son
karate after school.

131
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:07,666
- Oh, shit. -Mom, dad
said a rude word.

132
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,602
Oh, forgive him, darling, he's nervous
about being humiliated by you.

133
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,871
Don't you want some
superior reading matter?

134
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,007
I have a 200-page brief,
but thanks for the thought.

135
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,944
- When will you be back? -In
time for the women's institute.

136
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,613
- What? -They're holding
a special lecture...

137
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:25,751
"how to avoid rope burns
in bondage situations."

138
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:26,852
Bye.

139
00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:31,022
Well, I think it's a shame.

140
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,091
Surely they could
have called you.

141
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:36,161
- Well, they may have.
- Mm-hmm.

142
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,597
I'm having a bit
of trouble with my phone.

143
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,965
Oh, sorry.

144
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,100
Let me at least give you
something towards this.

145
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:46,471
No, thank you, but, no.

146
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:48,407
I've got to do this on my own.

147
00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:50,075
Can't go scrounging
off my sister

148
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,144
every time things
get a bit tough.

149
00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:59,518
I know you're
a wonderful actress,

150
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,853
and you're living your dream,

151
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,823
but is it what you really...

152
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,958
- What I want?
- Yeah.

153
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,694
Yes.

154
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:12,697
What I ought to do,
I don't know.

155
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,499
But I'm damned
if I'm giving up now

156
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,601
after everything
I've done to get here.

157
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:37,549
See what you can dig up
about these vegetable wars.

158
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:38,984
Pardon the pun.

159
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,953
Might be a story there,
like that mad butcher

160
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,589
and his football team-
colored sausages.

161
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:47,259
Must go, Anna Wintour's here.

162
00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:50,028
If I was Anna Wintour
it's unlikely I'd have someone

163
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,863
who looks like you
working for me.

164
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,833
Fair point. And it's always
delightful to see you.

165
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,068
Good, because I've trekked
all the way up

166
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,905
to your little fiefdom
to give you some nice news.

167
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,073
Oh, in that case, take the
weight off your feet.

168
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,910
Darren!
Coffee for Claire.

169
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:08,613
She's brought nice news.

170
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,649
Now, as you know,
the online channel

171
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,284
has done better than expected,

172
00:09:12,286 --> 00:09:15,120
so in preparation for
the full broadcast offering

173
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,821
later in the year,

174
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:20,191
I've decided to introduce
a weekly cultural show.

175
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:22,093
Good luck.

176
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,797
Tell me, David, do you feel
challenged in this job?

177
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,766
Every day
is a challenge, Claire.

178
00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:30,268
Today, for example,
is karat price fixing.

179
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,837
Because I think we should
encourage your interest

180
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:35,874
in literature and the arts
before you become irredeemably

181
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,842
cynical and jaded.

182
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,111
I want you to host the new show.

183
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,914
But I've never done
anything like that before.

184
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,617
Good. A fresh voice.

185
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:47,319
And let's face it, David,
you're pretty fond

186
00:09:47,321 --> 00:09:48,853
of the sound of your own voice.

187
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:51,189
Assuming I'm faintly interested,

188
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,024
how will it work technically?

189
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,727
Ah, just the person.

190
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:58,330
I take it you know how to operate
your camera in video mode?

191
00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:00,699
Of course. In fact,
I've been doing...

192
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,033
Yes, I'm sure you have.

193
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,602
So, that's fixed.

194
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,171
We can't afford
a studio until we get

195
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:09,207
onto the broadcast networks,
so until then you can do

196
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:12,077
pieces here in the office
or wherever culture

197
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,179
rears its ugly head,

198
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,048
you and young
"Cartier-Bresson" there.

199
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,316
That's Darren.

200
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,851
How lovely to meet you, Darren.

201
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,921
David talks about you nonstop.

202
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,690
Now, I must be off.
It's the Norfolk food awards,

203
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:29,227
and we're sponsoring
the most imaginative pie.

204
00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:37,035
By the way, what's your take
on the mummy porn phenomenon?

205
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:40,238
"She came in chains,"
and so forth?

206
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,073
I think it's appalling.

207
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:45,744
Good. So you'll do a piece
on it for the show, then.

208
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:49,147
Well, I'll try and find
some cultural significance.

209
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:59,691
So, in a world where
sex across the media

210
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:03,061
is all too easily available,

211
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:06,364
and the gradual playing out
of a love affair is replaced

212
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:11,436
by... ugh... instant
joyless fornication,

213
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,005
we might be well served
by looking back

214
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,974
to Jane Austen.

215
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:21,146
- Specifically,
at "pride and prejudice."

216
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:25,250
Quite apart from the fact that
it is on this year's syllabus,

217
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:28,053
if you read it properly,
you may just find

218
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,988
that there are emotions
expressed in it

219
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,356
that might surprise you.

220
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,892
Mr. Darcy in his wet shirt.

221
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,360
My mum's worn the DVD out.

222
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,997
A scene not actually
portrayed by the author,

223
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:42,333
but certainly an appropriate
modern screen interpretation.

224
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,370
That Colin firth is really hot.

225
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,806
- He's a posh plonker.
- And you're not?

226
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:51,176
Moving on from these
sophisticated appraisals

227
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,012
of Mr. firth's
acting ability,

228
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:58,717
what I'm trying to convey,
is that despite the lake scene,

229
00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,452
the makers of that adaptation

230
00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:03,888
generally chose to reflect
Jane Austen's ability

231
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,925
to infuse her narratives

232
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:10,395
with a subtle eroticism,

233
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:14,833
which is all the more
effective by not being overt.

234
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,335
Sir, there's an erotic version

235
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,137
of "pride and prejudice"
on the Internet.

236
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,472
Have you read it?

237
00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:22,874
I'd rather Pierce
my tired old eyes.

238
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,009
Colin firth's in the
"Bridget Jones" films.

239
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,111
I'm sure he is.

240
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,912
Can we return to the subject?

241
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,749
Would it be fair to say
that Helen fielding's

242
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,484
no different
from Jane Austin, sir?

243
00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:35,086
Monstrously unfair,
I should think.

244
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,488
Your point being?

245
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,124
Page one.

246
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:42,761
"It is a truth universally
acknowledged that a single man

247
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,195
in possession of a good fortune,

248
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,131
must be in want
of a wife."

249
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,399
Elizabeth Bennet
wants to be married,

250
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:51,102
despite how she behaves
to Mr. Darcy,

251
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:54,072
so does Bridget Jones
to Mr. Darcy.

252
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:56,775
- Nothing's changed really.
- Well, that's a good point,

253
00:12:56,777 --> 00:13:02,046
except that miss fielding cannot
be compared to Jane Austen.

254
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:05,150
Well, actually, sir,
the first book was meant

255
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,851
as an homage to Austen.

256
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:09,320
Fielding's funny,
and so is Austen,

257
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:12,056
and there's nothing really
erotic in either book.

258
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:13,992
Not when she's wearing
those scary knickers.

259
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,229
Now that's enough.

260
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,398
I believe miss fielding
is the purveyor

261
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,967
of what is termed
"Chicklit."

262
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,303
Jane Austen wrote great lit,

263
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,906
as we will now
set about discovering.

264
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,809
Sir, it's "mummy porn" now.

265
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:31,843
Mummy what?

266
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,478
Mummy porn, sir.

267
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,214
Bondage, s&m, you know.

268
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:40,084
I most certainly don't know,
nor do I wish to.

269
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:43,188
Sir, you always tell us
there's no room for ignorance

270
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,056
in literary analysis,

271
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,424
surely you should read
some of this stuff

272
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,393
before dismissing it.

273
00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:50,495
If someone held
a gun to my head,

274
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,096
I would refuse.

275
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:55,567
And if I discover
any of you young ladies

276
00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:58,603
sampling this
revolting expression

277
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,206
of 21st-century
decadence,

278
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,608
I should have
to retire immediately.

279
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,978
Now, "pride and prejudice."

280
00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:15,186
Do you have
"she came in chains"?

281
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,622
I can't seem to find it
on the shelves.

282
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,457
I don't know.

283
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,192
Well, could you check, please?

284
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,428
Well, I could, but, Diana,

285
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,597
it's really not a good book.

286
00:14:25,599 --> 00:14:27,332
I don't want a good book.

287
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,900
I have hundreds of good books.

288
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,501
I want to read,
"she came in chains."

289
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:33,171
And if you're not interested
in selling it to me

290
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,006
I'll buy it on Amazon,
which is probably

291
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,374
what I should have done
in the first place.

292
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,176
Diana, please,
we do not use the "a" word

293
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,545
in our little emporium.
Anything I can help you with?

294
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,513
Marcus, here, seems to
think it's his duty

295
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,883
to be my personal
literary guardian.

296
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,118
- Oh.
- I came in to buy a book,

297
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,255
which, as a loyal supporter
of the only independent

298
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:54,325
book shop for miles around,
I do, frequently.

299
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,327
But I don't have to.

300
00:14:56,329 --> 00:15:00,098
- Sorry, Diana, I didn't think...
- no, you didn't.

301
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,467
The fact is I want
a little light relief,

302
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:04,535
if you'll pardon the expression.

303
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,104
And I didn't think
I'd have to pass

304
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,072
some sort of eligibility test.

305
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,908
Oh, of course not.
I'll get you a copy.

306
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,409
We just had a delivery.

307
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,278
It's selling awfully
well, you know.

308
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,548
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to insult you, it's just that

309
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,284
having read your portrait,
I don't understand why

310
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,019
you'd want something
that is so badly written,

311
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,954
quite apart from its content.

312
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:26,190
I'm a big girl, and I'm sure
I can cope with its content.

313
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:29,527
As for the merits,
or otherwise of the writing,

314
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,596
who cares?
My last collection...

315
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,498
"bumfights and beatitudes."

316
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,266
Well remembered.

317
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,435
Sold 104 copies.

318
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,638
I have 104 friends
and relatives.

319
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,241
What's wrong
with a woman making money

320
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,343
from writing novels like these?

321
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,245
They're not doing
any harm, are they?

322
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:51,115
I suppose not, but, I mean
anybody could write this stuff.

323
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,184
- I bet you couldn't.
- Well, I wouldn't.

324
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:55,486
But if somebody said, "here's
a million-pound advance,"

325
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,655
would you take a shot?

326
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,157
No.

327
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,426
Well, well, I mean, maybe.

328
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,294
Yes, but that's not the point.

329
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,130
Here you are. Have you got
your loyalty card, Diana?

330
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,033
Pop that in a bag for me,
would you, Marcus?

331
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:13,137
- Thank you.
- Oh, congratulations.

332
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,472
It appears you have a free book.

333
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,341
Ah, thank you.

334
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:17,575
We hope you enjoy it.

335
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:20,044
Please, come back to us soon.

336
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:21,066
I'll consider it.

337
00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:27,352
Next time you decide to insult one
of our most valued customers,

338
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,087
you might remind yourself
that we are the width

339
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:33,124
of a paperback novella
away from bankruptcy.

340
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,293
Or are you too
idealistic to care?

341
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:46,637
David, unlike you
to do the lunchtime session.

342
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:48,373
I'll just have a half.

343
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,108
I'm drowning
my sorrows, actually.

344
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,510
I have to do something
on this Chicklit

345
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,712
mummy porn thing for a Webcast.

346
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,748
Hmm, look at this!

347
00:16:56,750 --> 00:17:01,219
"Paradise postponed,"
"the whipping boy,"

348
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,620
"manacles and manicures."

349
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,322
You see why I need a drink.

350
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,457
You do have some beer?

351
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,527
We do today.

352
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:14,065
Chris, what's with
all the rationing?

353
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:16,134
Ah, shit.
Can you keep a secret?

354
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:19,103
- No headlines in your paper?
- Of course

355
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:21,372
I've been told not to reorder until
the last barrel's been tapped.

356
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,241
It's a cash flow thing.

357
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,043
You can't run a pub like that.

358
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,644
I know, but the fact is,
dad's broke.

359
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:29,080
Every penny counts.

360
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,715
It's worse than that, actually.

361
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,817
The owners are planning
to sell this place.

362
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,652
Turn it into holiday apartments.

363
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,120
To be fair, they don't want to,

364
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:38,423
but they're broke, too.

365
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:41,292
How much do they want,
if you don't mind me asking?

366
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:44,595
That's the crazy thing. They're prepared
to let dad buy it for 300 grand

367
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:49,267
to keep it as a pub, but he's got three
other pubs with the same problem.

368
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:52,303
And he put so much money
into refurbishing this place.

369
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,806
Doesn't seem fair.

370
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:56,774
I'm really sorry, Chris.

371
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,378
See you next week for dominoes.

372
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,080
If we're still here.

373
00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:14,225
Here's your files.

374
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:17,128
Oh, thank you, Beth.
Thank you very much.

375
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,296
Thank you.

376
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:29,107
- Hello, David.
- Good morning, Lisa.

377
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,563
Before I humiliate
you lesser mortals,

378
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,867
I have a question for you.

379
00:18:55,869 --> 00:19:00,571
Mummy porn, is it something
nasty they do in pyramids?

380
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,273
Something nasty
that they publish

381
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:05,143
for women of a certain age.
Well, any age, actually.

382
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,577
"Fifty shades of"...
What's it called?

383
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,779
Oh, ah.
My missus read that.

384
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,415
I'm still waitin'.

385
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,683
Why do you want to know?

386
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:16,154
My GCSE class insists
on discussing it

387
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,822
when they should be
studying Jane Austen.

388
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,457
Well, it's certainly
not Jane Austen.

389
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,626
My mum reads mummy porn.
Says it liberates her.

390
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:24,529
- In what way?
- She says it's educational.

391
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,564
Is it titillating?

392
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,599
- Shocking?
- All that and more.

393
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:31,602
- Imagine Barbara Cartland with
whips and chains. -Oh, god.

394
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,371
Imagine minimum literary merit

395
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,873
- and maximum sexual deviation.
- Good god.

396
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,375
Think of women eager to submit

397
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,744
to the most rigorous
sexual domination.

398
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,746
And please don't say,
"good god" again.

399
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:45,316
- But how do you know about all this?
- My wife.

400
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,185
I thought she was a lawyer.

401
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:50,588
Ah, she's going to put some
of these pornographers away.

402
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,623
Good on her.

403
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,726
She's developed a strange obsession
with reading these books.

404
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,428
The new release
of "life in the boudoir"?

405
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,197
Chaucer'd be a fine thing.

406
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:02,733
I had to read some myself
for a piece I'm doing.

407
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,903
And it got me thinking
about the future of the pub.

408
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,739
I'm sorry, but that
is a non-sequitur.

409
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,808
Actually, it's not.

410
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:14,478
Chris, I have no intention
of sharing your troubles

411
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:19,283
beyond this table, but, can I
share them with your friends?

412
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:21,786
Well, it's a bit late to say no.

413
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:25,823
Here's the thing, the owners
are going to close this place.

414
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,692
What?!

415
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,560
That's appalling.

416
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,463
Chris's dad needs
300,000 to buy it

417
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,532
and keep it as a pub.

418
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,900
Look around.

419
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,768
Where are those lot gonna go?

420
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:42,373
It's a unique cross-section
of society.

421
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,943
And reading these books
gave me an idea.

422
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:46,978
I'll be damned.

423
00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:49,380
You're ahead of me.

424
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,948
Somebody in the shop
the other day suggested

425
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,783
I try writing something
like this to make some money.

426
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:56,287
Exactly.
So why don't we?

427
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:57,521
Do what?

428
00:20:57,523 --> 00:21:00,291
Become "Chicklitters,"
or better still,

429
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,359
"mummy porners."

430
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,961
Have you gone completely mad?

431
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,364
- Possibly.
- Definitely.

432
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,266
Quite apart from the moral issue

433
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:10,835
of spawning yet more
of this filth,

434
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:13,437
there's a small matter
of our reputations.

435
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:14,939
We can't have
the region's finest

436
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:16,874
independent bookshop
being run by a pornographer.

437
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,843
No, we'll have to write
under a nom de plume.

438
00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,378
Christ, yes.

439
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:22,046
Can you imagine
what Jen would say?

440
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:25,283
And I'm about to do a Webcast
slagging it all off.

441
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:29,754
But... but none of us
are novelists.

442
00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:31,589
I think that might be
an advantage.

443
00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:34,558
Do you know how much
Lydia Lovemore

444
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,860
earned from her last book?

445
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,995
Oh, I know this one.
Four million quid

446
00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:39,297
and that doesn't include
the film rights.

447
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,932
Good god.

448
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,968
It still doesn't
alter the facts.

449
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,904
The nearest I get to writing
is the drama review

450
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:49,307
in the school mag
and I'm an English teacher.

451
00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:50,574
Well, it can't be
that hard, can it?

452
00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,543
All we need is a computer
and just...

453
00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:54,512
Or a pen and paper.

454
00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:58,015
Why am I even considering
this lunatic notion?

455
00:21:58,017 --> 00:22:01,786
Because you want to drink
your pints in a proper pub.

456
00:22:01,788 --> 00:22:03,587
Look, we all have concerns,

457
00:22:03,589 --> 00:22:06,357
but let's at least give it a go.

458
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,527
I brought some sample
material for you to read,

459
00:22:09,529 --> 00:22:11,462
courtesy of Jen.

460
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:16,367
Note how I'm protecting
your finer feelings, Justin.

461
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:18,069
Yeah.

462
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:20,471
Ever mindful
of your advanced age,

463
00:22:20,473 --> 00:22:22,673
I've avoided too much
bump and grind.

464
00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:25,976
This one is almost poetic
in the broadest sense.

465
00:22:25,978 --> 00:22:29,880
Yours, however, as befits
a young and sturdy lad,

466
00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:32,116
is filth from cover to cover.

467
00:22:32,118 --> 00:22:34,852
Multiple orgasms
every three pages.

468
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,488
The heroine redefines
the word "nymphomaniac"

469
00:22:37,490 --> 00:22:41,425
and her tumescent paramour
has the constitution

470
00:22:41,427 --> 00:22:42,693
of a Hereford bull.

471
00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,929
- You'll love it.
- Thanks.

472
00:22:44,931 --> 00:22:46,831
Marcus has the privilege
of owning a shop

473
00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:48,866
packed with these literary gems,

474
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:52,703
and I myself have gorged
over the last few days

475
00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:56,774
and feel confident
in my grasp of the subject.

476
00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:59,677
So, what exactly
are you suggesting we do?

477
00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:02,613
Count the climaxes
and draw a graph?

478
00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:07,752
I suggest that we all write a
couple of pages of purple prose,

479
00:23:07,754 --> 00:23:09,987
bring it next week
and see if we can join it up.

480
00:23:09,989 --> 00:23:12,723
Then we can decide
how to proceed.

481
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:14,759
Two pages, that's your lot.

482
00:23:14,761 --> 00:23:17,094
Now, can we play, please?

483
00:23:24,770 --> 00:23:26,804
Good thing I'm not
superstitious.

484
00:23:30,642 --> 00:23:32,510
Enjoy your Saturday job?

485
00:23:32,512 --> 00:23:34,879
I'm just making some notes...
For this culture show thing.

486
00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:36,547
I thought you'd
taken them swimming.

487
00:23:36,549 --> 00:23:38,849
Uh, mission aborted.
Turd in the pool.

488
00:23:38,851 --> 00:23:40,785
- Not Charlie?
- God, I hope not.

489
00:23:40,787 --> 00:23:42,153
It wasn't you, was it, darling?

490
00:23:42,155 --> 00:23:43,921
- Of course it wasn't.
- It was a girl.

491
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,556
When she took her costume off...

492
00:23:45,558 --> 00:23:47,124
All right, that's enough,
go play outside

493
00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:49,059
until I call you for lunch.

494
00:23:51,029 --> 00:23:53,164
So, what cultural pearls
are you going to feed

495
00:23:53,166 --> 00:23:54,632
to the online swine, then?

496
00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:56,967
Oh, no, it's very early stages.

497
00:23:56,969 --> 00:23:58,969
- Much too embarrassing.
- Oh, fair enough.

498
00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:02,072
Talking of embarrassing,
I seem to have mislaid

499
00:24:02,074 --> 00:24:04,442
a few of those books
you so despise,

500
00:24:04,444 --> 00:24:07,178
and I have a horrid feeling that
Sarah might have pinched them.

501
00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:10,815
Ah, no, no, actually,
I borrowed them.

502
00:24:10,817 --> 00:24:12,216
What? You old hypocrite.

503
00:24:12,218 --> 00:24:13,884
Well, I need to be
better informed.

504
00:24:13,886 --> 00:24:16,554
Claire wants me to do
a piece for the new show.

505
00:24:16,556 --> 00:24:20,958
I'm thinking of
inviting a Chicklitter

506
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,593
to come on and put
their point of view.

507
00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:24,929
Oh, that's a good idea.
You ought to ask me.

508
00:24:24,931 --> 00:24:26,730
No way. You're far
too articulate.

509
00:24:26,732 --> 00:24:28,232
I'll take that as a compliment.

510
00:24:28,234 --> 00:24:30,835
Oh, there's some good news.
Zoe's got a job.

511
00:24:30,837 --> 00:24:31,869
Excellent.

512
00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:33,938
Cleaning?
Dog walking?

513
00:24:33,940 --> 00:24:36,474
You cynical sod.
No, acting. Chekhov.

514
00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:37,775
Chekhov?

515
00:24:37,777 --> 00:24:39,944
Safe from Shakespeare,
I suppose.

516
00:24:39,946 --> 00:24:41,979
Lady MacBeth as a hell's angel

517
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,681
still gives me nightmares.

518
00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:47,585
- It was thought-provoking.
- It was vomit-provoking.

519
00:24:47,587 --> 00:24:49,620
What she did to Duncan's corpse

520
00:24:49,622 --> 00:24:52,089
with that motorbike chain...
Ooh-hh!

521
00:24:52,091 --> 00:24:54,158
You coming?

522
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,760
Thought I might start
finishing the stock tagging.

523
00:24:56,762 --> 00:24:58,095
- It shouldn't take long.
- Well, you don't have to.

524
00:24:58,097 --> 00:25:00,264
Tomorrow's fine.

525
00:25:00,266 --> 00:25:02,733
Well, I just...
Just want to pull my weight.

526
00:25:02,735 --> 00:25:05,269
But you do. Well, most of the
time, except that you order

527
00:25:05,271 --> 00:25:07,004
prospective customers
not to buy books.

528
00:25:07,006 --> 00:25:11,242
Geoffrey, that's...
That's a fair comment.

529
00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:16,514
Well, I'll...
I'll do a cold supper.

530
00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:17,982
Silly old thing.

531
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,653
Don't work too late.

532
00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:43,874
Oh, travel book, eh?

533
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:46,176
I ain't never been
to "Northanger Abbey."

534
00:25:46,178 --> 00:25:49,813
- Nice place, is it?
- Yes, it's very nice.

535
00:25:49,815 --> 00:25:54,018
Wonderful thing, the national
trust, isn't it? Wonderful.

536
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:05,930
I'm sorry, my love,
but I can't cope

537
00:26:05,932 --> 00:26:09,934
with you gazing at me
so trustingly.

538
00:26:12,604 --> 00:26:16,807
I'm reading about things that you
and I wouldn't have imagined.

539
00:26:16,809 --> 00:26:20,844
Quite frankly, wouldn't
have enhanced our life.

540
00:26:23,848 --> 00:26:26,984
But it is for a good cause.

541
00:26:26,986 --> 00:26:29,119
Maybe not as important
as the big needs,

542
00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:31,722
but important for our community.

543
00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:40,364
Or am I justifying something that
I really shouldn't be doing?

544
00:27:17,836 --> 00:27:20,838
Well, I think that's
all pretty damn good.

545
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,340
Chris, you're right on the
money with the virgin status.

546
00:27:23,342 --> 00:27:27,678
- Delayed gratification, always exciting.
- Thank you.

547
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,782
I'm rather proud of
the silk cat o' nine tails.

548
00:27:31,784 --> 00:27:35,152
Marcus, the stuff about the pommel
horse in the gym is genius,

549
00:27:35,154 --> 00:27:37,988
which takes us
to Justin's offering.

550
00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:42,059
Young, friendly headmaster
as the dominator.

551
00:27:42,061 --> 00:27:45,062
Let's make his submissive
a student.

552
00:27:45,064 --> 00:27:48,399
The glorious frisson
of danger from all fronts.

553
00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:50,968
It's the school gym
in the dead of night.

554
00:27:50,970 --> 00:27:52,870
It would not only have me fired,

555
00:27:52,872 --> 00:27:54,304
but probably arrested.

556
00:27:54,306 --> 00:27:57,908
Picture it, the whisper
of forbidden passion.

557
00:27:57,910 --> 00:27:59,943
The clamor of racing heartbeats,

558
00:27:59,945 --> 00:28:02,425
- the roar of... -David, how many
of these books have you read?

559
00:28:04,249 --> 00:28:05,949
I'm so sorry.

560
00:28:05,951 --> 00:28:08,318
Isn't it making her
a student a bit iffy?

561
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:09,987
Yeah, yeah.

562
00:28:09,989 --> 00:28:12,056
What if she's a journalist
sent to interview

563
00:28:12,058 --> 00:28:13,323
the headmaster?

564
00:28:13,325 --> 00:28:15,125
Who becomes his sex slave.

565
00:28:15,127 --> 00:28:17,728
Oh, brilliant, Marcus,
you're a natural.

566
00:28:17,730 --> 00:28:21,131
Gentlemen, shall we do this?

567
00:28:21,133 --> 00:28:23,734
- Well, I'm... I'm still...
- Of course, you are.

568
00:28:23,736 --> 00:28:25,936
But just think,
where will we play dominoes

569
00:28:25,938 --> 00:28:27,171
if they close this place?

570
00:28:27,173 --> 00:28:31,008
Come on.
It's gotta be worth a go.

571
00:28:31,010 --> 00:28:34,878
All right, but I think we
should all do our own thing

572
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,347
rather than try
and be too unified.

573
00:28:37,349 --> 00:28:40,184
From what I've read, there
won't be a problem of style.

574
00:28:40,186 --> 00:28:41,418
Indeed not.

575
00:28:41,420 --> 00:28:43,987
But there are rules
to be obeyed.

576
00:28:43,989 --> 00:28:46,457
He must have a tragic past,

577
00:28:46,459 --> 00:28:49,426
thus legitimizing
his present behavior.

578
00:28:49,428 --> 00:28:52,162
She must use
a pet phrase ad nauseam.

579
00:28:52,164 --> 00:28:55,065
Something like, "oh, wow,"

580
00:28:55,067 --> 00:28:58,168
to reflect a constant
quivering excitement.

581
00:28:58,170 --> 00:29:01,305
And we must continually marvel at
their ability to mate at will,

582
00:29:01,307 --> 00:29:02,940
like a couple
of frenzied rabbits.

583
00:29:02,942 --> 00:29:06,443
And in purely practical
terms, no e-mails.

584
00:29:06,445 --> 00:29:08,212
Only hard copies.

585
00:29:10,015 --> 00:29:12,282
Sorry.
Or memory sticks.

586
00:29:12,284 --> 00:29:14,084
Nobody must know about this.

587
00:29:39,844 --> 00:29:41,979
Thank you.

588
00:29:41,981 --> 00:29:45,916
Now, Marcus, is my book ready?

589
00:29:45,918 --> 00:29:47,251
Yes, it is.

590
00:29:53,424 --> 00:29:54,925
- What are you doing?
- Bag.

591
00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:00,257
Red, please.

592
00:31:00,259 --> 00:31:01,925
There you are.

593
00:31:01,927 --> 00:31:03,327
- Ah. -Would you like
a crisp potato?

594
00:31:03,329 --> 00:31:04,595
Oh, no, thanks.
I don't want...

595
00:31:04,597 --> 00:31:06,029
- Have a crisp.
- I don't want to.

596
00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:07,998
Have a crisp.

597
00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:33,257
Hello, Andrew.
Just that one.

598
00:31:33,259 --> 00:31:35,092
Sold a dickens on ebay.

599
00:31:49,274 --> 00:31:53,277
Mr. rose, this is Matilda,
from Bonar and law.

600
00:31:53,279 --> 00:31:58,048
Confirming your meeting
with miss law this Thursday.

601
00:31:58,050 --> 00:32:00,083
You won't be late, will you?

602
00:32:20,204 --> 00:32:21,305
Who is it?

603
00:32:21,307 --> 00:32:22,439
David rose.

604
00:32:34,552 --> 00:32:38,121
Ah, David rose. I have an
appointment with Peggy law.

605
00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:39,690
Oh, dear.

606
00:32:39,692 --> 00:32:42,059
I'll see if she's ready.

607
00:32:46,197 --> 00:32:47,331
What?

608
00:32:47,333 --> 00:32:49,132
Mr. rose to see you.

609
00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:52,536
Well, send him in.
I haven't got all day.

610
00:32:52,538 --> 00:32:54,137
She has, actually.

611
00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:58,608
Good luck.

612
00:33:11,689 --> 00:33:16,259
Well, sit down, Mr. rose.
I can give you five minutes.

613
00:33:16,261 --> 00:33:18,662
That's all I need, miss law.

614
00:33:18,664 --> 00:33:20,998
I'm only seeing you because
my colleague tells me

615
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,434
that you interviewed him once on
some horrid little provincial rag.

616
00:33:24,436 --> 00:33:26,403
And were nice to him,
which he's not used to.

617
00:33:26,405 --> 00:33:28,171
He's very interesting.

618
00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:32,175
No, he's not,
but he has his uses.

619
00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:34,344
Now, what have you written?

620
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:36,013
I'm not the author.

621
00:33:36,015 --> 00:33:38,315
I'm acting on behalf
of a young lady I know,

622
00:33:38,317 --> 00:33:41,418
- who's very shy.
- Why?

623
00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:43,253
Well, the content
of the book is,

624
00:33:43,255 --> 00:33:45,455
shall we say,
a little contentious.

625
00:33:45,457 --> 00:33:48,425
Politics, personal, or porn?

626
00:33:48,427 --> 00:33:51,261
Porn, mummy, porn to be precise.

627
00:33:51,263 --> 00:33:53,130
Is this girl a mummy?

628
00:33:53,132 --> 00:33:55,399
No, but she's writing
for a market of mummies.

629
00:33:55,401 --> 00:33:57,167
It's really quite
a big demographic.

630
00:33:57,169 --> 00:33:59,536
Mmm, I know all about
how big it is.

631
00:33:59,538 --> 00:34:02,439
What I don't know is why
women demean themselves

632
00:34:02,441 --> 00:34:03,774
by reading such tripe.

633
00:34:03,776 --> 00:34:05,609
I'm not sure I do, to be honest.

634
00:34:05,611 --> 00:34:10,781
But, I said I'd help her,
and I thought Bonar and law

635
00:34:10,783 --> 00:34:12,749
would be a good place to start,

636
00:34:12,751 --> 00:34:15,052
if you get my meaning.

637
00:34:15,054 --> 00:34:16,586
Generally it's only the yanks

638
00:34:16,588 --> 00:34:20,290
who makes fools of themselves
with the "boner" joke.

639
00:34:20,292 --> 00:34:22,659
Yes, sorry.

640
00:34:22,661 --> 00:34:26,129
Anyway, would you be prepared
to read the book?

641
00:34:26,131 --> 00:34:28,265
- What's the title?
- "Love let her."

642
00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:31,435
- Love letter? -No, "love
let her"... allowed her.

643
00:34:31,437 --> 00:34:33,470
Oh, dear, god.
A witty title.

644
00:34:33,472 --> 00:34:35,806
Absolutely.

645
00:34:35,808 --> 00:34:38,075
I meant that sarcastically.

646
00:34:40,144 --> 00:34:42,846
All right, I'll read it. Leave
your details with Matilda,

647
00:34:42,848 --> 00:34:46,116
and maybe you'll hear
from us in due course.

648
00:34:46,118 --> 00:34:47,584
Any idea when?

649
00:34:50,521 --> 00:34:53,757
A little nugget
of advice, Mr. rose.

650
00:34:53,759 --> 00:34:56,760
In the literary, indeed, the
entire entertainment business,

651
00:34:56,762 --> 00:34:59,429
the answer to a question
like that is no.

652
00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:01,665
Communication of any kind
is frowned upon.

653
00:35:01,667 --> 00:35:04,868
Answering emails is considered
a sign of weakness.

654
00:35:04,870 --> 00:35:08,805
Indeed, the default position on any
kind of commitment whatsoever,

655
00:35:08,807 --> 00:35:11,775
is some other time.

656
00:35:13,411 --> 00:35:15,112
You know, you're a very
lucky fellow,

657
00:35:15,114 --> 00:35:18,281
because statistically
the chances of your getting

658
00:35:18,283 --> 00:35:20,884
a text on your way to see me
cancelling this meeting,

659
00:35:20,886 --> 00:35:23,353
was about 70%.

660
00:35:25,756 --> 00:35:28,725
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

661
00:35:39,237 --> 00:35:42,439
Now, you don't live
in London, do you?

662
00:35:42,441 --> 00:35:45,142
Quite a lot of people don't,
as it happens.

663
00:35:45,144 --> 00:35:47,878
Silly me, of course they don't.

664
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:50,347
It must be very nice for you.

665
00:35:50,349 --> 00:35:51,848
It is.

666
00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:07,731
Where have you been?

667
00:36:07,733 --> 00:36:10,534
- The show's about to start.
- Sorry, love, I got held up.

668
00:36:10,536 --> 00:36:11,902
Well, did you meet your chum?

669
00:36:11,904 --> 00:36:14,638
Chum? Oh, yes, yes,
he was on great form.

670
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:17,774
Good old, Robbie.
Exactly.

671
00:36:17,776 --> 00:36:19,216
- What a legend.
- Thank you so much.

672
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:23,847
We're left alone.
All alone.

673
00:36:23,849 --> 00:36:27,851
We have to start over.
Begin life all over again.

674
00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:29,786
- We have to live.

675
00:36:29,788 --> 00:36:31,888
We have to live.

676
00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:35,825
We have to live, live, live,
live, live, live, live.

677
00:36:35,827 --> 00:36:38,662
- We have to work.
- We have to live...

678
00:36:38,664 --> 00:36:40,931
Live, live, live.
We have to work,

679
00:36:40,933 --> 00:36:44,401
- we have to work. Work, work, work, work...
- Live, live, live, live...

680
00:36:44,403 --> 00:36:45,969
- We have to die.
- Live, live, live, live...

681
00:36:45,971 --> 00:36:48,238
- We have to die.
- Work, work, work...

682
00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:49,973
- We have to die...
- Live, live, live...

683
00:36:49,975 --> 00:36:51,841
- Live, live, live...
- Die, die, die...

684
00:36:51,843 --> 00:36:55,812
Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay,
ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay.

685
00:36:55,814 --> 00:36:59,849
Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay,
ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay...

686
00:36:59,851 --> 00:37:01,952
- We have to know.
- Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay...

687
00:37:01,954 --> 00:37:03,753
- We have to know.
- Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay...

688
00:37:03,755 --> 00:37:06,423
- We have to know, know, know...
- Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay...

689
00:37:06,425 --> 00:37:08,458
- Know, know, know, know...
- Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay...

690
00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:12,262
- Know, know, know, know, know!
- Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay.

691
00:37:18,336 --> 00:37:21,371
Well, that really doesn't
take the biscuit.

692
00:37:21,373 --> 00:37:24,407
My talented baby sister.

693
00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:27,277
Yes, very good.
Well, done, Sarah.

694
00:37:27,279 --> 00:37:29,846
- Oh, well done.
- Did you like the concept?

695
00:37:29,848 --> 00:37:31,548
Very original.

696
00:37:31,550 --> 00:37:35,285
Very, um... I particularly
liked "Chebutykin"

697
00:37:35,287 --> 00:37:36,486
in the wheelchair.

698
00:37:36,488 --> 00:37:37,988
That was a very good...

699
00:37:40,024 --> 00:37:41,858
Wasn't she marvelous?

700
00:37:41,860 --> 00:37:43,260
- Yes.
- And so were you.

701
00:37:43,262 --> 00:37:44,894
Oh, stop it.

702
00:37:44,896 --> 00:37:47,664
Thank you.

703
00:37:47,666 --> 00:37:49,299
What can I get you
to drink, Sarah?

704
00:37:49,301 --> 00:37:50,667
A beer, please.

705
00:37:53,304 --> 00:37:54,671
He didn't like it, did he?

706
00:37:54,673 --> 00:37:56,906
Well, I think he was
rather intrigued.

707
00:37:56,908 --> 00:37:59,976
- And you?
- Yes, and I was, too.

708
00:37:59,978 --> 00:38:01,945
Although, I have to be honest.

709
00:38:01,947 --> 00:38:04,914
I'm not sure about Natasha
being transsexual.

710
00:38:04,916 --> 00:38:06,716
And I seem to recall
there were children

711
00:38:06,718 --> 00:38:08,852
in the original one.

712
00:38:08,854 --> 00:38:11,921
Well, Chekhov refers
to lots of unseen characters.

713
00:38:11,923 --> 00:38:13,690
We decided if you
don't see them,

714
00:38:13,692 --> 00:38:16,893
- they don't exist.
- Oh, right.

715
00:38:16,895 --> 00:38:20,563
Here you are. All very
novel and interesting.

716
00:38:20,565 --> 00:38:23,033
So, I take it
you're not being paid.

717
00:38:23,035 --> 00:38:26,970
- We're on a profit share.
- Oh, so you're not being paid.

718
00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,438
Shh.

719
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,573
Well, possibly.
But you know what, David,

720
00:38:30,575 --> 00:38:35,512
I would sooner be doing
something worthwhile than...

721
00:38:35,514 --> 00:38:38,515
Well, than earning millions
writing shit like this.

722
00:38:38,517 --> 00:38:40,050
I'm with you there.

723
00:38:40,052 --> 00:38:42,419
Now don't you start, Zoe.

724
00:38:42,421 --> 00:38:44,721
It's bad enough having "Evelyn
Waugh" here moaning at me.

725
00:38:44,723 --> 00:38:46,890
I do have other interests,
you know.

726
00:38:46,892 --> 00:38:48,658
I've come to your show,
haven't I?

727
00:38:48,660 --> 00:38:50,026
Of course.

728
00:38:50,028 --> 00:38:53,963
- And I really appreciate it.
- Mmm.

729
00:38:53,965 --> 00:38:57,067
The ladyboy Natasha
was a crap idea.

730
00:38:57,069 --> 00:38:58,902
It wasn't very good.

731
00:39:01,772 --> 00:39:03,873
They all worked very hard.

732
00:39:03,875 --> 00:39:06,042
Too hard in the first act.

733
00:39:06,044 --> 00:39:08,845
I could have done without
seeing Natasha's bits

734
00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:11,047
- in such graphic detail.
- Yes.

735
00:39:11,049 --> 00:39:13,683
Zoe did explain to me
about the tranny thing,

736
00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:16,386
but it did rather
go over my head.

737
00:39:16,388 --> 00:39:18,388
When the dress
went over her/his head,

738
00:39:18,390 --> 00:39:20,056
- they could have kept his pants on.
- Yes.

739
00:39:20,058 --> 00:39:22,092
And then "tie me up
and tenderize me"?

740
00:39:22,094 --> 00:39:23,526
Bloody hell.

741
00:39:23,528 --> 00:39:25,862
It does seem to be all the rage.

742
00:39:25,864 --> 00:39:28,798
You know, I wasn't being
mean the other day.

743
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:29,999
Mean?

744
00:39:30,001 --> 00:39:31,901
You know, when I talked
about your book.

745
00:39:31,903 --> 00:39:33,770
I just think
you have one in you.

746
00:39:33,772 --> 00:39:35,739
You know, something you
could be really proud of.

747
00:39:39,810 --> 00:39:42,011
Do you mind if I just pass it
down inside your shirt?

748
00:39:42,013 --> 00:39:44,914
- Won't take a moment.
- Don't mind at all.

749
00:39:44,916 --> 00:39:47,016
Take all the time you need.

750
00:39:57,995 --> 00:40:00,964
- All set, Mr. Paxman.
- Thank you, Darren.

751
00:40:00,966 --> 00:40:03,800
Ready, Geoffrey?

752
00:40:03,802 --> 00:40:05,568
Oh.

753
00:40:08,506 --> 00:40:09,806
What the bloody hell is that?

754
00:40:09,808 --> 00:40:12,008
Action.

755
00:40:12,010 --> 00:40:14,444
I'm talking to Geoffrey Clarey,

756
00:40:14,446 --> 00:40:16,780
co-owner of
an endangered species,

757
00:40:16,782 --> 00:40:18,681
an independent bookshop.

758
00:40:18,683 --> 00:40:20,417
This looks really good.

759
00:40:20,419 --> 00:40:22,652
Darren, Darren, we can hear you.

760
00:40:22,654 --> 00:40:26,689
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Concentrate.

761
00:40:26,691 --> 00:40:30,760
Tell me, Geoffrey, as a man who I
assume loves great literature,

762
00:40:30,762 --> 00:40:33,696
what do you feel
about the proliferation

763
00:40:33,698 --> 00:40:36,199
of what is termed "mummy porn"?

764
00:40:36,201 --> 00:40:39,035
Well, we are indeed,
as you say, David,

765
00:40:39,037 --> 00:40:41,204
endangered, so I have
to say I welcome it.

766
00:40:41,206 --> 00:40:42,939
We sell a lot of these books.

767
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:45,975
But surely you can't
approve of the total lack

768
00:40:45,977 --> 00:40:47,977
of literary merit
in the writing?

769
00:40:47,979 --> 00:40:49,879
Well, it doesn't matter
if I approve or not.

770
00:40:49,881 --> 00:40:51,481
I'm in business to sell books.

771
00:40:51,483 --> 00:40:52,782
As long as they're
not actually breaking

772
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:54,851
any obscenity laws,
I will sell them.

773
00:40:54,853 --> 00:40:57,587
Well, surely,
they are obscene, though.

774
00:40:57,589 --> 00:40:59,556
We're pretty open-minded
in this part of the world.

775
00:40:59,558 --> 00:41:01,024
Oh, of course.

776
00:41:01,026 --> 00:41:02,525
Yes, although I would say...

777
00:41:02,527 --> 00:41:05,028
I'm so sorry, Geoffrey.

778
00:41:05,030 --> 00:41:07,964
- Oh, I have to take this.
- Please.

779
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,466
Sorry.

780
00:41:09,468 --> 00:41:11,768
- David rose.
- I have miss law for you.

781
00:41:11,770 --> 00:41:14,204
Oh, silly me. Darren, I
think you might need

782
00:41:14,206 --> 00:41:16,172
to readjust my microphone.

783
00:41:16,174 --> 00:41:20,643
Mr. rose, I read
your protégé's effort

784
00:41:20,645 --> 00:41:24,848
and I think it might
just be worth taking on.

785
00:41:24,850 --> 00:41:27,050
Mind you, there's
something odd about it.

786
00:41:27,052 --> 00:41:29,486
- Odd? -Can't quite
put my finger on it,

787
00:41:29,488 --> 00:41:33,223
but I've given it
to Mr. Bonar to peruse.

788
00:41:33,225 --> 00:41:35,058
Anyway, I'll have a chat
with some publishers

789
00:41:35,060 --> 00:41:36,860
and we'll need
to sort out a contract

790
00:41:36,862 --> 00:41:39,229
with this mysterious
author of yours.

791
00:41:39,231 --> 00:41:41,564
If she wants you to act for her,

792
00:41:41,566 --> 00:41:44,167
we'll need her to sign power
of attorney over to you.

793
00:41:44,169 --> 00:41:45,935
I take it that won't
be a problem?

794
00:41:45,937 --> 00:41:50,039
- No problem at all.
- Good.

795
00:41:50,041 --> 00:41:52,575
I'll be in touch.

796
00:41:52,577 --> 00:41:55,979
Sorry about that.
I'm sorry, Darren.

797
00:41:55,981 --> 00:41:58,147
I think we can carry on.

798
00:41:58,149 --> 00:42:01,117
Although, it might be nice
if Marcus could sort of flit

799
00:42:01,119 --> 00:42:02,519
back and forth behind me.

800
00:42:02,521 --> 00:42:04,020
Make the place look
a little busier.

801
00:42:04,022 --> 00:42:07,624
Would you mind floating?

802
00:42:07,626 --> 00:42:08,958
Ready?

803
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:21,137
What were your thoughts
on this book?

804
00:42:21,139 --> 00:42:23,806
Well, it's tripe, of course.

805
00:42:23,808 --> 00:42:25,775
But tripe that'll
keep us in foie Gras

806
00:42:25,777 --> 00:42:27,977
in the foreseeable
if I'm any judge.

807
00:42:27,979 --> 00:42:31,214
It does have an odd
construction, don't you think?

808
00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:33,950
Well, yes, it does.

809
00:42:33,952 --> 00:42:37,053
It's almost as if
the heroine, or the victim,

810
00:42:37,055 --> 00:42:40,023
depending on how you see it,
has a split personality.

811
00:42:44,161 --> 00:42:46,729
Split four ways.

812
00:42:46,731 --> 00:42:50,033
There's a sort of slightly
poetic element.

813
00:42:50,035 --> 00:42:52,869
And then, of course,
some of it is...

814
00:43:00,778 --> 00:43:02,579
Quite funny.

815
00:43:02,581 --> 00:43:05,048
The fetish stuff
in the school gym

816
00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:09,052
is not exactly as I remember pt.

817
00:43:09,054 --> 00:43:13,823
And as for the straight sex,

818
00:43:13,825 --> 00:43:15,792
well, it isn't, is it?

819
00:43:15,794 --> 00:43:18,861
- Straight, I mean.
- Don't ask me.

820
00:43:18,863 --> 00:43:22,865
If I were to shackle
Mrs. Bonar

821
00:43:22,867 --> 00:43:27,804
to the orthopedic bed, there very
soon wouldn't be a Mr. Bonar.

822
00:43:27,806 --> 00:43:32,609
Anyway,
"fortis fortuna adiuvat."

823
00:43:32,611 --> 00:43:36,779
And we could be set
to make our fortune.

824
00:43:36,781 --> 00:43:39,315
Let's celebrate.
I'll buy you lunch.

825
00:43:39,317 --> 00:43:44,287
If you insist,
but "Ne quid nimis."

826
00:43:44,289 --> 00:43:46,389
Yes, I see.

827
00:43:46,391 --> 00:43:48,891
No, no, Peggy, old girl,

828
00:43:48,893 --> 00:43:52,061
I'm sorry, but we are
about to enter

829
00:43:52,063 --> 00:43:56,899
a whole new world of excess.

830
00:43:56,901 --> 00:44:00,303
I only hope that the old
ticker will stand it.

831
00:44:00,305 --> 00:44:04,007
By the way, I've got
those books of yours.

832
00:44:04,009 --> 00:44:05,141
I'm done with the research.

833
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,076
Keep them hid, darling.

834
00:44:07,078 --> 00:44:08,945
In fact, I don't want them back.

835
00:44:08,947 --> 00:44:10,680
I think I had enough
of this stuff now.

836
00:44:10,682 --> 00:44:12,315
Just take them to the
charity shop, would you?

837
00:44:12,317 --> 00:44:15,318
No, I won't. I have a
reputation to safeguard.

838
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:16,986
Oh, don't be such a prude.

839
00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:18,921
The old dears at the shop
will be very excited.

840
00:44:18,923 --> 00:44:23,326
Now that's a scary thought.

841
00:44:23,328 --> 00:44:26,929
Do they make you excited?

842
00:44:26,931 --> 00:44:28,698
What, the old dears?

843
00:44:28,700 --> 00:44:31,034
No, no, I mean the books.

844
00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:33,903
Do you get turned on?

845
00:44:33,905 --> 00:44:36,172
What, do you get turned
on by online porn?

846
00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:38,207
I never watch porn.

847
00:44:38,209 --> 00:44:40,810
Well, then you're part of a
very exclusive male minority.

848
00:44:40,812 --> 00:44:44,147
All right, were I to watch
porn, which I don't,

849
00:44:44,149 --> 00:44:47,984
I probably would...
Get turned on, I mean.

850
00:44:47,986 --> 00:44:50,153
But it's not as good
as the real thing.

851
00:44:50,155 --> 00:44:51,988
Exactly. It's a case
of "well, I never, ?

852
00:44:51,990 --> 00:44:54,057
Rather than
"well, I must."

853
00:44:54,059 --> 00:44:56,159
I don't actually want you to tie
me to the bed and spank me,

854
00:44:56,161 --> 00:44:58,161
but it's quite fun
to imagine it.

855
00:45:00,264 --> 00:45:03,166
Would you like to see
the dessert menu, Mrs. rose?

856
00:45:03,168 --> 00:45:05,234
Yes, yes, please.

857
00:45:05,236 --> 00:45:09,372
Now see what you've made me do?
I know his mother.

858
00:45:09,374 --> 00:45:11,240
Anyway, I don't want
the books back.

859
00:45:11,242 --> 00:45:13,409
And I expect that goes
for a lot of other women.

860
00:45:13,411 --> 00:45:16,045
- What do you mean?
- Well, it's probably a fad.

861
00:45:16,047 --> 00:45:19,348
Tomorrow it'll be gardening magazines.
Next week, plumbing manuals.

862
00:45:19,350 --> 00:45:21,784
But surely, there will always be
a market for this sort of thing.

863
00:45:21,786 --> 00:45:23,920
- You sound like you care.
- Of course not.

864
00:45:23,922 --> 00:45:27,957
But surely people will always
read romantic novels.

865
00:45:27,959 --> 00:45:30,026
Oh, well, you go ahead.
Don't let me stop you

866
00:45:30,028 --> 00:45:31,461
communing with your inner
Barbara Cartland

867
00:45:31,463 --> 00:45:33,963
whenever you feel the need to.

868
00:45:33,965 --> 00:45:37,166
Nick Clegg, "my life in
politics," we'll take one.

869
00:45:37,168 --> 00:45:40,036
You never know.
Oh, and we're gonna need

870
00:45:40,038 --> 00:45:42,805
10 copies of the new
Lydia Lovemore.

871
00:45:42,807 --> 00:45:43,973
That's it.
Thanks.

872
00:45:43,975 --> 00:45:44,975
Speak soon.

873
00:45:47,010 --> 00:45:51,114
What's wrong
with "conduct unbecoming"?

874
00:45:51,116 --> 00:45:53,483
- Apart from the obvious?
- I don't know.

875
00:45:53,485 --> 00:45:55,451
Maybe she shouldn't have
brought the sequel out

876
00:45:55,453 --> 00:45:57,787
three months after
the first one.

877
00:45:57,789 --> 00:45:59,355
Or maybe the bubble's bursting.

878
00:45:59,357 --> 00:46:02,024
Damn it.

879
00:46:02,026 --> 00:46:03,860
I thought you'd be pleased.

880
00:46:03,862 --> 00:46:06,462
Fewer sales means less money.

881
00:46:06,464 --> 00:46:08,064
That's never bothered you
before now.

882
00:46:08,066 --> 00:46:11,400
Well, I told you.
I want the shop to survive.

883
00:46:11,402 --> 00:46:14,504
Do you have a copy of
"conduct unbecoming" please?

884
00:46:14,506 --> 00:46:19,475
Uh, yes, I've got one copy left.

885
00:46:19,477 --> 00:46:23,412
All I'm saying is he don't have the
right to pretend these things.

886
00:46:23,414 --> 00:46:25,414
He say his carrots are organic,

887
00:46:25,416 --> 00:46:27,383
but who knows that he aren't
covering them with shit

888
00:46:27,385 --> 00:46:30,119
- and calling them organic?
- Well, I see what you mean.

889
00:46:30,121 --> 00:46:34,791
And, don't quote me on this,
but I tell you, he is a two...

890
00:46:34,793 --> 00:46:37,293
excuse me.

891
00:46:37,295 --> 00:46:38,561
David rose.

892
00:46:38,563 --> 00:46:40,863
Mr. rose, I hope
you're sitting down

893
00:46:40,865 --> 00:46:42,999
or at least somewhere where
you can faint at Liberty.

894
00:46:43,001 --> 00:46:46,035
Not easy, but fire away.

895
00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:47,336
We have a deal.

896
00:46:47,338 --> 00:46:51,073
For "love let her."

897
00:46:51,075 --> 00:46:53,142
A major publisher,
not unconnected

898
00:46:53,144 --> 00:46:55,912
with "flightless birds
who live in the antarctic,"

899
00:46:55,914 --> 00:46:59,081
- is proposing an advance.
- That's terrific.

900
00:46:59,083 --> 00:47:01,818
Not in the same league as
"Lydia Lovebite," I'm afraid.

901
00:47:01,820 --> 00:47:04,353
But I dare say half a million
will be acceptable.

902
00:47:04,355 --> 00:47:08,825
After commission and tax,
that's about, oh, 300,000?

903
00:47:08,827 --> 00:47:10,359
300,000?

904
00:47:10,361 --> 00:47:12,094
I'll have to consult
with the author, of course,

905
00:47:12,096 --> 00:47:14,831
but I'm pretty sure
that will be more than fine.

906
00:47:14,833 --> 00:47:16,933
Well, you'll have to do more
than consult, I'm afraid.

907
00:47:16,935 --> 00:47:19,869
With money like that, we'll need
her signature, and not yours.

908
00:47:19,871 --> 00:47:23,372
The only stipulation that
the publishers have made

909
00:47:23,374 --> 00:47:26,943
is that the author commit herself
to a full-scale press campaign.

910
00:47:26,945 --> 00:47:29,278
I'm not sure that
she'd be able to...

911
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:31,914
You persuaded me to read
her horrid little book,

912
00:47:31,916 --> 00:47:34,350
now you persuade her
to accept the terms

913
00:47:34,352 --> 00:47:36,252
or it's a deal breaker,
I'm afraid.

914
00:47:36,254 --> 00:47:41,357
Just remind the girl that any
publicity is good publicity.

915
00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:43,559
Any publicity is good publicity.

916
00:47:43,561 --> 00:47:45,528
That's what they say, isn't it?

917
00:47:45,530 --> 00:47:48,297
Now, what are you going to say?

918
00:47:48,299 --> 00:47:49,932
I haven't a fucking clue.

919
00:47:57,074 --> 00:48:00,009
Yes.

920
00:48:00,011 --> 00:48:01,244
Shit.

921
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:07,283
I'm so sorry,
lady Fermley-Cadwaller.

922
00:48:07,285 --> 00:48:08,918
Yes!

923
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:11,287
Shit.

924
00:48:11,289 --> 00:48:12,622
I'm sorry.

925
00:48:12,624 --> 00:48:16,359
Horse won,
then steward's inquiry.

926
00:48:16,361 --> 00:48:18,060
Yes.

927
00:48:20,664 --> 00:48:23,032
- Shit.

928
00:48:23,034 --> 00:48:27,370
Sorry. Disregard that
unfortunate outburst.

929
00:48:27,372 --> 00:48:30,273
- Even if we did own up...
- Which we can't.

930
00:48:30,275 --> 00:48:33,075
If we did, they're not going
to go for mummy porn

931
00:48:33,077 --> 00:48:34,644
written by four blokes.

932
00:48:34,646 --> 00:48:36,913
There must be a way
to persuade them

933
00:48:36,915 --> 00:48:39,949
that it's more interesting to
have a mysterious secret writer.

934
00:48:39,951 --> 00:48:43,319
Actually, it's probably
for the best.

935
00:48:43,321 --> 00:48:45,087
The book would have
flopped anyway.

936
00:48:45,089 --> 00:48:46,589
The bubble's burst.

937
00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:48,591
That's not the point.
We'd have had the money

938
00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:49,992
however it sold.

939
00:48:49,994 --> 00:48:54,163
300 grand to the penny.

940
00:48:54,165 --> 00:48:56,232
- Your go.
- Been.

941
00:48:56,234 --> 00:48:58,000
Oh.

942
00:48:58,002 --> 00:48:59,568
Last domino.

943
00:49:02,673 --> 00:49:04,373
You lost again.

944
00:49:04,375 --> 00:49:08,110
- Every which way.
- Oh, that sounds serious.

945
00:49:08,112 --> 00:49:10,947
Not really, but,
I'm going to go to bed.

946
00:49:10,949 --> 00:49:12,949
- Aren't you hungry?
- No.

947
00:49:12,951 --> 00:49:16,118
- Are you ill?
- No.

948
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:20,289
Do you know any words
with more than one syllable?

949
00:49:20,291 --> 00:49:22,692
How much of a disappointment
am I to you?

950
00:49:22,694 --> 00:49:25,294
Oh, you silly boy.

951
00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,396
What are you on about?

952
00:49:27,398 --> 00:49:30,366
I'm a small-town
journalist.

953
00:49:30,368 --> 00:49:32,234
I'll probably never
write that novel,

954
00:49:32,236 --> 00:49:33,502
because by the time I'm ready...

955
00:49:33,504 --> 00:49:35,071
By the time the children
are old enough,

956
00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:36,605
I shall be itching
to turn the garden,

957
00:49:36,607 --> 00:49:38,341
and you can get busy
with the novel.

958
00:49:38,343 --> 00:49:40,443
Anyway, you're writing
now, aren't you?

959
00:49:40,445 --> 00:49:42,111
- What?
- Writing.

960
00:49:42,113 --> 00:49:43,679
You do it every day.

961
00:49:43,681 --> 00:49:45,147
Oh, that.

962
00:49:45,149 --> 00:49:48,084
- Yes, I suppose so.
- Well, then.

963
00:49:48,086 --> 00:49:49,752
But if I'd wanted
to marry a novelist

964
00:49:49,754 --> 00:49:52,121
there were plenty
to choose from at UNY.

965
00:49:52,123 --> 00:49:54,623
Trouble is,
none of them made me laugh.

966
00:49:54,625 --> 00:49:56,158
So that's all I do for you?

967
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:59,628
No, you make happy,
you maudlin fool.

968
00:49:59,630 --> 00:50:01,497
And I don't even mind you
playing dominoes.

969
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,165
Although if you ever
graduate to darts,

970
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:06,369
I shall divorce you.
Now go to bed.

971
00:50:06,371 --> 00:50:08,471
And if you're very good,

972
00:50:08,473 --> 00:50:11,741
I'll bring you a chocolate
digestive with your morning tea.

973
00:50:11,743 --> 00:50:14,677
Oh, by the way, Zoe's
coming to stay tomorrow.

974
00:50:14,679 --> 00:50:18,647
- How long for? -As long
as she likes or needs.

975
00:50:18,649 --> 00:50:22,084
I'm really worried about her. She
sounded so down on the phone today.

976
00:50:22,086 --> 00:50:26,055
Suppose I'd better try
and make her laugh, then.

977
00:50:26,057 --> 00:50:28,290
That would be good.

978
00:50:33,497 --> 00:50:35,731
I'm sorry, mate, but the
numbers just don't add up.

979
00:50:35,733 --> 00:50:38,100
Okay, well, thanks anyway.

980
00:50:42,806 --> 00:50:45,307
Hey, you're Zoe, aren't you?

981
00:50:45,309 --> 00:50:46,609
Jen's sister.

982
00:50:46,611 --> 00:50:49,178
Uh, yeah, I'm Zoe.

983
00:50:49,180 --> 00:50:51,113
We've met in the pub last year.

984
00:50:51,115 --> 00:50:53,682
Chris.
The manager.

985
00:50:53,684 --> 00:50:56,218
Oh, yeah, yeah,
of course. Sorry.

986
00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:57,653
Yeah, no prob. So, what
are you doing up here?

987
00:50:57,655 --> 00:50:59,321
I thought you lived in London.

988
00:50:59,323 --> 00:51:01,190
Uh, yeah, I did.
I mean, I do.

989
00:51:01,192 --> 00:51:02,591
But I have a thing
I need to do up here.

990
00:51:02,593 --> 00:51:04,226
Actually, I'm running
a little bit late.

991
00:51:04,228 --> 00:51:07,430
Sure, well, maybe you'll
come to the pub again.

992
00:51:07,432 --> 00:51:09,065
We're always open.

993
00:51:09,067 --> 00:51:12,701
Obviously not always,
but we're open during...

994
00:51:12,703 --> 00:51:16,205
- Opening hours?
- Yeah.

995
00:51:16,207 --> 00:51:18,541
It was nice to see you.

996
00:51:23,146 --> 00:51:25,481
Stop for a chat, son?

997
00:51:25,483 --> 00:51:27,316
Uh, no.

998
00:51:27,318 --> 00:51:28,751
Well, fuck off
out of the way then.

999
00:51:28,753 --> 00:51:30,453
Go on.

1000
00:51:33,723 --> 00:51:36,459
I'm afraid we haven't
got good news.

1001
00:51:36,461 --> 00:51:38,227
Well, as you know,
we were optimistic

1002
00:51:38,229 --> 00:51:40,563
that changing your medication

1003
00:51:40,565 --> 00:51:44,133
would be of significant benefit,

1004
00:51:44,135 --> 00:51:48,871
but I have to tell you,
it appears not to be the case.

1005
00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:51,640
Meaning?

1006
00:51:51,642 --> 00:51:55,811
There's not much more we can do.

1007
00:51:55,813 --> 00:51:59,815
But I don't want to...

1008
00:51:59,817 --> 00:52:02,184
Well...

1009
00:52:02,186 --> 00:52:05,488
Um, well, of course
we can run more tests.

1010
00:52:05,490 --> 00:52:06,856
How long?

1011
00:52:06,858 --> 00:52:09,492
I've organized
for someone to help you.

1012
00:52:09,494 --> 00:52:10,793
They're very skillful
and supportive.

1013
00:52:10,795 --> 00:52:15,498
How long?

1014
00:52:15,500 --> 00:52:18,267
Six months.

1015
00:52:18,269 --> 00:52:19,535
Maybe nine.

1016
00:52:29,379 --> 00:52:33,682
How are you? You sounded
so miserable on the phone.

1017
00:52:33,684 --> 00:52:36,185
Bloody critics.

1018
00:52:36,187 --> 00:52:38,254
Would you like a drink, Zoe?
We're having a g&t.

1019
00:52:38,256 --> 00:52:39,588
Oh, yes, please.

1020
00:52:39,590 --> 00:52:41,290
Make it a quadruple.
I'm knackered.

1021
00:52:41,292 --> 00:52:43,893
I've been crying all day.

1022
00:52:43,895 --> 00:52:46,262
Oh, surely, it's not that bad.

1023
00:52:46,264 --> 00:52:47,696
You should have come earlier.
Where have you been?

1024
00:52:47,698 --> 00:52:49,698
The hospital.

1025
00:52:49,700 --> 00:52:51,667
God, what's happened?

1026
00:52:51,669 --> 00:52:54,303
Bad news.

1027
00:52:54,305 --> 00:52:56,605
Breaking bad news.

1028
00:52:56,607 --> 00:52:59,642
24, well, no, 23 times...
One of them didn't turn up.

1029
00:52:59,644 --> 00:53:03,546
What? What are you
talking about?

1030
00:53:03,548 --> 00:53:05,614
Role play.

1031
00:53:05,616 --> 00:53:07,850
Oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't I tell you?

1032
00:53:07,852 --> 00:53:11,520
When the play closed, I got a couple
of days' work up here doing role play.

1033
00:53:11,522 --> 00:53:13,722
It's easier tomorrow.
We're doing bipolar.

1034
00:53:13,724 --> 00:53:17,927
Oh, thank god. You got
me really worried then.

1035
00:53:17,929 --> 00:53:19,728
- Mmm.
- When's supper?

1036
00:53:19,730 --> 00:53:23,332
All that crying has
really taken it out of me.

1037
00:53:23,334 --> 00:53:24,967
- So... -if I ever
get a film role,

1038
00:53:24,969 --> 00:53:26,869
and they want me to cry,

1039
00:53:26,871 --> 00:53:29,505
at least they won't have
to squirt anything in my eyes.

1040
00:53:29,507 --> 00:53:31,407
I'm an expert now.

1041
00:53:39,316 --> 00:53:42,484
David. What on earth are you
doing skulking about here?

1042
00:53:42,486 --> 00:53:43,852
I need to talk to you.

1043
00:53:43,854 --> 00:53:45,654
But I'm on my way
back to your place.

1044
00:53:45,656 --> 00:53:48,824
Privately.
Come on.

1045
00:53:48,826 --> 00:53:52,695
So, what's all this
cloak-and-dagger stuff then?

1046
00:53:52,697 --> 00:53:54,630
I have a proposition for you.

1047
00:53:54,632 --> 00:53:56,832
I hope that's not
as pervy as it sounds.

1048
00:53:56,834 --> 00:53:58,434
Good god, no.

1049
00:53:58,436 --> 00:54:00,402
Oh, what, I'm not
sexy enough for you?

1050
00:54:00,404 --> 00:54:01,837
No.

1051
00:54:01,839 --> 00:54:03,472
I mean, yes, but, no.

1052
00:54:03,474 --> 00:54:05,941
"Oh, yes, but no,
but yes, but no," but what?

1053
00:54:05,943 --> 00:54:08,244
I'm looking to hire you.

1054
00:54:08,246 --> 00:54:10,746
David, that's more insulting
than not fancying me.

1055
00:54:10,748 --> 00:54:12,781
I mean, I want to engage you
for some role play.

1056
00:54:12,783 --> 00:54:16,752
Jesus, David, are we talking
whips and obedience here?

1057
00:54:16,754 --> 00:54:19,722
Of course not. Although
there is a connection.

1058
00:54:19,724 --> 00:54:22,491
But before I go on,
you have to promise me

1059
00:54:22,493 --> 00:54:23,993
that whether or not
you accept my offer,

1060
00:54:23,995 --> 00:54:26,295
you won't breathe a word
of this to anyone,

1061
00:54:26,297 --> 00:54:28,697
particularly not to Jen.

1062
00:54:28,699 --> 00:54:30,833
Gets curiouser and curiouser.

1063
00:54:30,835 --> 00:54:33,636
Do you promise?

1064
00:54:33,638 --> 00:54:35,504
Brownie's honor.

1065
00:54:35,506 --> 00:54:36,939
And you're talking to the gal
who'll take the secret

1066
00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:38,874
of Brownell's cannabis
plants to her grave.

1067
00:54:40,443 --> 00:54:43,279
Why the clandestine meeting?

1068
00:54:43,281 --> 00:54:45,714
Well, I assume Ashenden
will tell us if he turns up.

1069
00:54:45,716 --> 00:54:48,917
Hey?

1070
00:54:48,919 --> 00:54:51,720
I assume Marcus is making
an ironic reference

1071
00:54:51,722 --> 00:54:54,657
to John Ashenden,
subject of a series

1072
00:54:54,659 --> 00:54:56,792
of short stories
by somerset Maugham.

1073
00:54:56,794 --> 00:54:58,627
How fascinating.
Please tell me more.

1074
00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:01,397
Well, Ashenden was
a first world war spy.

1075
00:55:01,399 --> 00:55:03,065
Oh, bollocks.

1076
00:55:03,067 --> 00:55:05,401
Sorry, guys. When you get going
it really freaks me out.

1077
00:55:05,403 --> 00:55:08,671
I guess this somerset guy didn't
write erotic women's stories.

1078
00:55:08,673 --> 00:55:12,074
No, oh, well, actually,
there was "Liza of Lambeth."

1079
00:55:12,076 --> 00:55:13,742
- "Cakes and ales."
- Shut up.

1080
00:55:14,778 --> 00:55:16,578
Oh.

1081
00:55:16,580 --> 00:55:19,014
Gentlemen, I want you to meet

1082
00:55:19,016 --> 00:55:22,685
the author
of "love let her."

1083
00:55:22,687 --> 00:55:24,386
Zoe fielder.

1084
00:55:31,461 --> 00:55:32,828
Have you gone mad?

1085
00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:34,863
Never saner, as I will explain.

1086
00:55:34,865 --> 00:55:37,566
Please do.

1087
00:55:37,568 --> 00:55:42,104
When pubs disappear
they never come back, right?

1088
00:55:42,106 --> 00:55:45,341
We can save our hallowed institution.
All we need is an author,

1089
00:55:45,343 --> 00:55:48,877
and Zoe here, who happens
to be my sister-in-law,

1090
00:55:48,879 --> 00:55:52,748
is an actress, who does lots
of what they call role play.

1091
00:55:52,750 --> 00:55:55,851
This will be her greatest role.

1092
00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:58,420
Well, I'm not sure about that.

1093
00:55:58,422 --> 00:56:00,055
Greatest role play then.

1094
00:56:00,057 --> 00:56:02,958
We'll pay Zoe for the time
she has to be our writer,

1095
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:05,694
probably about three months
until the fuss dies down.

1096
00:56:05,696 --> 00:56:10,132
We get the 300 grand,
minus what we pay Zoe.

1097
00:56:10,134 --> 00:56:12,034
- I think it's too risky.
- So do I.

1098
00:56:12,036 --> 00:56:13,369
Well, explain why.

1099
00:56:13,371 --> 00:56:15,371
Well, supposing she's unmasked.

1100
00:56:15,373 --> 00:56:16,939
She's not a bloody spy.

1101
00:56:16,941 --> 00:56:18,607
I don't mean to be rude, Zoe,
but what if she does

1102
00:56:18,609 --> 00:56:20,743
- tell anybody?
- She's Jen's sister.

1103
00:56:20,745 --> 00:56:22,711
She's family.

1104
00:56:22,713 --> 00:56:25,114
But anyway, we'll be paying her.
She can sign a contract.

1105
00:56:25,116 --> 00:56:27,449
You wouldn't mind that,
would you, Zoe?

1106
00:56:27,451 --> 00:56:30,052
No, but I do mind my deal.

1107
00:56:30,054 --> 00:56:32,388
You didn't mention
what you were making.

1108
00:56:32,390 --> 00:56:33,822
And I have to sort the tax out.

1109
00:56:33,824 --> 00:56:35,591
My accountant can do that.

1110
00:56:35,593 --> 00:56:39,728
And all that's left is going
toward saving the pub.

1111
00:56:39,730 --> 00:56:42,464
400 a week?
Still pretty crap.

1112
00:56:42,466 --> 00:56:43,632
It is, actually.

1113
00:56:43,634 --> 00:56:46,168
Fine, we'll make it 500.

1114
00:56:46,170 --> 00:56:48,937
Which is 490 pounds more
than you were getting

1115
00:56:48,939 --> 00:56:50,873
for your last
theatrical engagement.

1116
00:56:50,875 --> 00:56:52,441
I'm not happy about this, David,

1117
00:56:52,443 --> 00:56:53,842
but there is no need
to be rude to Zoe.

1118
00:56:53,844 --> 00:56:58,113
My apologies.
Zoe, 500.

1119
00:56:58,115 --> 00:56:59,915
- Agreed.
- Gentlemen?

1120
00:57:04,087 --> 00:57:05,821
Agreed.

1121
00:57:05,823 --> 00:57:08,190
As long as there is no chance
of us being found out.

1122
00:57:08,192 --> 00:57:09,825
We'll have to find
a name for her.

1123
00:57:09,827 --> 00:57:12,895
Why? Zoe is a young actress,
who happens to be

1124
00:57:12,897 --> 00:57:16,098
my sister-in-law and asked me
to negotiate for her.

1125
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:19,768
It's easy.
We just collect the money.

1126
00:57:19,770 --> 00:57:22,438
That's what they said
at Lehman brothers.

1127
00:57:24,808 --> 00:57:26,508
Ready?

1128
00:57:26,510 --> 00:57:29,812
Chris has asked me to go
for a drink with him.

1129
00:57:29,814 --> 00:57:31,580
I'll see you back at the house.

1130
00:57:31,582 --> 00:57:33,649
Yes, of course.

1131
00:57:33,651 --> 00:57:36,685
Good night.

1132
00:57:39,623 --> 00:57:41,657
Well, you wanted to ask me
for a drink, right?

1133
00:57:41,659 --> 00:57:43,125
Yeah.

1134
00:57:43,127 --> 00:57:46,462
Yeah, of course.

1135
00:57:46,464 --> 00:57:49,898
We can go to my pub.
If that's okay.

1136
00:57:49,900 --> 00:57:51,533
A pint's a pint.

1137
00:58:13,990 --> 00:58:16,225
It is quite something
you've taken on.

1138
00:58:16,227 --> 00:58:18,827
Are you sure you want
to go through with it?

1139
00:58:18,829 --> 00:58:21,730
I'm sure I want 500 quid a week.

1140
00:58:21,732 --> 00:58:23,031
I'm sure I'll be able
to pull it off,

1141
00:58:23,033 --> 00:58:25,634
and I'm sure it'll be a laugh.

1142
00:58:25,636 --> 00:58:27,202
I'm not sure you're sure.

1143
00:58:27,204 --> 00:58:29,204
No, I'm good with it.

1144
00:58:29,206 --> 00:58:32,140
I think. Just...
Have you read the book?

1145
00:58:32,142 --> 00:58:34,610
No, I'm going
to read it tonight.

1146
00:58:34,612 --> 00:58:37,045
Give me a clue.
Is it really dirty?

1147
00:58:37,047 --> 00:58:39,748
Uh, yeah, pretty much so.

1148
00:58:39,750 --> 00:58:41,250
Go on, give me a teaser.

1149
00:58:41,252 --> 00:58:43,552
- What? -Like, quote
a line from it.

1150
00:58:43,554 --> 00:58:46,622
Oh, shit, no, I couldn't.

1151
00:58:46,624 --> 00:58:48,290
What? You're embarrassed?

1152
00:58:48,292 --> 00:58:49,858
No.

1153
00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:51,793
Well, a bit.

1154
00:58:51,795 --> 00:58:54,162
So, it's okay for you boys
to have loads of fun

1155
00:58:54,164 --> 00:58:56,965
writing your wet dreams but I'm
the one who has to mop them up?

1156
00:58:56,967 --> 00:58:59,835
I suppose so.

1157
00:58:59,837 --> 00:59:01,169
Because it's just all too dirty

1158
00:59:01,171 --> 00:59:03,805
and humiliating for you.

1159
00:59:03,807 --> 00:59:06,775
And for you.

1160
00:59:06,777 --> 00:59:09,257
That's what I meant when I asked
if you wanted to get involved.

1161
00:59:18,221 --> 00:59:20,055
Are you on duty
till closing time?

1162
00:59:20,057 --> 00:59:22,591
No.

1163
00:59:22,593 --> 00:59:24,626
Walk me home, then.

1164
01:00:17,647 --> 01:00:20,182
Coffee and naughty biscuits.

1165
01:00:20,184 --> 01:00:24,987
And talking of naughty,
I loved your book so much.

1166
01:00:24,989 --> 01:00:27,389
That scene in the kitchen
with the food blender.

1167
01:00:27,391 --> 01:00:30,759
I'd always wondered what
the post function was for.

1168
01:00:30,761 --> 01:00:33,095
Yes, thank you, Matilda,
that will be all.

1169
01:00:33,097 --> 01:00:35,931
Bye.

1170
01:00:35,933 --> 01:00:37,733
I must say, miss fielder,

1171
01:00:37,735 --> 01:00:42,004
I had no idea about most
of what you portray.

1172
01:00:42,006 --> 01:00:45,674
The food blender,

1173
01:00:45,676 --> 01:00:48,343
is it...

1174
01:00:48,345 --> 01:00:51,179
All from personal experience?

1175
01:00:51,181 --> 01:00:53,849
Oh, I don't think
that's pertinent.

1176
01:00:53,851 --> 01:00:56,218
Miss fielder,
I have to warn you,

1177
01:00:56,220 --> 01:01:00,422
that publicizing this outré
little tale of yours

1178
01:01:00,424 --> 01:01:05,227
may involve similarly
impertinent questions.

1179
01:01:05,229 --> 01:01:08,697
Are you sure that you're
ready for this?

1180
01:01:08,699 --> 01:01:11,366
- Do I have an option?
- Not really.

1181
01:01:11,368 --> 01:01:15,704
For example, putting aside
the inevitable fascination

1182
01:01:15,706 --> 01:01:19,908
with the "tools of your trade,"

1183
01:01:19,910 --> 01:01:23,412
we've noticed stylistic
inconsistencies.

1184
01:01:23,414 --> 01:01:26,448
Yes, yes, it's as though
several writers

1185
01:01:26,450 --> 01:01:28,150
were involved in the narrative.

1186
01:01:28,152 --> 01:01:33,221
And each with their own
identifiable style.

1187
01:01:33,223 --> 01:01:37,359
Well, that's very
easy to explain.

1188
01:01:37,361 --> 01:01:40,062
Because this type of novel
is traditionally written

1189
01:01:40,064 --> 01:01:43,365
in the first person,
I wanted to see if I could

1190
01:01:43,367 --> 01:01:45,367
illustrate the various
contrasting

1191
01:01:45,369 --> 01:01:47,736
and yet complimentary
traits that make up

1192
01:01:47,738 --> 01:01:51,273
the rich complexity
of any human character.

1193
01:01:51,275 --> 01:01:53,375
And it seems I've succeeded.

1194
01:01:54,444 --> 01:01:56,745
Very impressive.

1195
01:01:58,314 --> 01:02:00,849
Indeed.

1196
01:02:00,851 --> 01:02:04,019
Let's do the paperwork
and get this show on the road.

1197
01:03:15,158 --> 01:03:18,460
Miss fielder, I'm not
convinced that varying

1198
01:03:18,462 --> 01:03:21,329
the narrative style, which
you have done in this book,

1199
01:03:21,331 --> 01:03:24,399
altogether works,
but it's certainly

1200
01:03:24,401 --> 01:03:28,503
a move away from the
norm for this genre.

1201
01:03:28,505 --> 01:03:30,972
Was this a conscious decision?

1202
01:03:33,376 --> 01:03:38,013
Four authors wrote this book.

1203
01:03:38,015 --> 01:03:43,185
Or, rather I had
four voices in my head.

1204
01:03:43,187 --> 01:03:45,420
Four different manifestations

1205
01:03:45,422 --> 01:03:47,389
of the same woman, if you like.

1206
01:03:47,391 --> 01:03:50,392
So you weren't trying
to redefine the form?

1207
01:03:50,394 --> 01:03:54,129
I was trying to redefine
my overdraft.

1208
01:03:54,131 --> 01:03:56,364
All right, that wraps things up.

1209
01:03:56,366 --> 01:03:58,099
Thank you very much, indeed,
for coming this evening

1210
01:03:58,101 --> 01:04:00,001
and asking so many
interesting questions.

1211
01:04:00,003 --> 01:04:02,237
Do stay, have a glass
of wine, buy a book,

1212
01:04:02,239 --> 01:04:05,841
and Zoe will be very happy
to sign your copy for you.

1213
01:04:05,843 --> 01:04:08,003
Thank you so much to Zoe
for coming along this evening.

1214
01:04:16,285 --> 01:04:17,619
Well, close shave.

1215
01:04:17,621 --> 01:04:19,588
- Is she pissed?
- Pissed off, I think.

1216
01:04:19,590 --> 01:04:21,890
It's a bit of a strain
doing these events.

1217
01:04:21,892 --> 01:04:23,491
Look, you've all seemed
to have got very chummy.

1218
01:04:23,493 --> 01:04:25,327
Chris, go and have
a word with her.

1219
01:04:25,329 --> 01:04:27,462
But surely you have to know
that would be the worst thing.

1220
01:04:27,464 --> 01:04:29,965
- He's right. -Publicity
tour finishes next week.

1221
01:04:29,967 --> 01:04:31,900
She's given us our share of the money.
Why don't we give her

1222
01:04:31,902 --> 01:04:33,368
another couple of months'
worth to keep her sweet?

1223
01:04:33,370 --> 01:04:35,470
- Money well spent, I'd say.
- Agreed.

1224
01:04:35,472 --> 01:04:39,241
Okay, well, thank you so much,
indeed, for coming, ladies.

1225
01:04:39,243 --> 01:04:41,009
I hope you enjoyed it.

1226
01:04:41,011 --> 01:04:42,611
There's another one
in a fortnight's time.

1227
01:04:42,613 --> 01:04:44,579
Clive Anderson's written
a book about a talking badger.

1228
01:04:44,581 --> 01:04:46,581
We'll see you.

1229
01:04:50,186 --> 01:04:52,520
I know, I know,
I nearly blew it,

1230
01:04:52,522 --> 01:04:55,590
but, I tell you, it's getting
bloody difficult to keep this up.

1231
01:04:55,592 --> 01:04:57,626
I'm sure, and I think
you're doing amazingly.

1232
01:04:57,628 --> 01:05:00,595
Just hang in there.

1233
01:05:02,198 --> 01:05:04,132
People leave glasses anywhere.

1234
01:05:05,968 --> 01:05:09,070
You know what,
it's weirding me out

1235
01:05:09,072 --> 01:05:10,639
that the women that come
to these events...

1236
01:05:10,641 --> 01:05:14,075
And I mean it,
it's virtually all women...

1237
01:05:14,077 --> 01:05:16,945
And they see me as some sort of
voice for their own fantasies.

1238
01:05:16,947 --> 01:05:19,114
But isn't that why
these books are so popular?

1239
01:05:19,116 --> 01:05:20,482
Well, of course, but...

1240
01:05:20,484 --> 01:05:22,517
I mean, the readers

1241
01:05:22,519 --> 01:05:25,120
are kind of bonding
with the author,

1242
01:05:25,122 --> 01:05:27,923
another woman.
I just feel bad

1243
01:05:27,925 --> 01:05:31,192
that they're being exploited
by four dirty old men.

1244
01:05:31,194 --> 01:05:33,094
Thanks.

1245
01:05:35,398 --> 01:05:38,033
Sorry.

1246
01:05:38,035 --> 01:05:40,969
Three men in macs
and an apprentice.

1247
01:05:40,971 --> 01:05:43,104
I'm sorry you feel like that.

1248
01:05:43,106 --> 01:05:46,041
In fact, I'm sorry
we started the whole thing.

1249
01:05:49,612 --> 01:05:52,380
- Little gift for you, Annie.
- Thank you.

1250
01:06:00,656 --> 01:06:02,691
I was in the area,
so I thought I'd see

1251
01:06:02,693 --> 01:06:04,492
if you were slaving
over your copy.

1252
01:06:04,494 --> 01:06:07,429
I've been snooping at the crab
and lobster festival.

1253
01:06:07,431 --> 01:06:10,732
- Fascinating. Smelly, but fascinating.
- That's nice.

1254
01:06:10,734 --> 01:06:14,536
Now this Zoe fielder girl,
your sister-in-law, I believe.

1255
01:06:14,538 --> 01:06:16,538
- She is.
- Good.

1256
01:06:16,540 --> 01:06:18,340
So you shouldn't have any
trouble getting her to do

1257
01:06:18,342 --> 01:06:20,041
an interview tomorrow.

1258
01:06:20,043 --> 01:06:23,111
Oh, I don't think our
little online effort

1259
01:06:23,113 --> 01:06:25,747
- will be suitable for her.
- It won't be online.

1260
01:06:25,749 --> 01:06:29,084
We're bringing forward the
launch of the broadcast channel.

1261
01:06:29,086 --> 01:06:31,753
A local celebrity interview
should kick things off perfectly.

1262
01:06:31,755 --> 01:06:34,589
She's not really local.
There's no connection.

1263
01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:37,125
- Where is she living?
- With us.

1264
01:06:37,127 --> 01:06:39,527
She's local, we need a celeb.

1265
01:06:39,529 --> 01:06:42,130
Nelsa's dead and Delia's
unavailable.

1266
01:06:42,132 --> 01:06:43,498
Get to it.

1267
01:06:47,136 --> 01:06:49,604
There's nothing
to worry about, David,

1268
01:06:49,606 --> 01:06:51,239
that is as long as
your questions

1269
01:06:51,241 --> 01:06:53,441
- are properly organized.
- I think they are, yes.

1270
01:06:53,443 --> 01:06:57,312
It's no different to what you've
been doing for the web, really.

1271
01:06:57,314 --> 01:06:59,748
Well, actually, it is.

1272
01:06:59,750 --> 01:07:02,117
You were using
a poxy little DSLR

1273
01:07:02,119 --> 01:07:05,487
and we've got three high-definition
broadcast cameras,

1274
01:07:05,489 --> 01:07:08,289
which will reveal
your every blemish.

1275
01:07:08,291 --> 01:07:10,592
96 channels of sound.

1276
01:07:10,594 --> 01:07:15,263
Don't let your earpiece
fall out, whatever you do.

1277
01:07:15,265 --> 01:07:19,100
And a million quid's worth
of lights, and of course,

1278
01:07:19,102 --> 01:07:23,438
it's going out live,
but, other than that...

1279
01:07:23,440 --> 01:07:26,474
Okay, we're seconds away.

1280
01:07:26,476 --> 01:07:30,178
Relax. Enjoy yourselves.

1281
01:07:30,180 --> 01:07:35,417
Going to camera one
in five, four, three.

1282
01:07:42,091 --> 01:07:46,428
Welcome to this very first
edition of arts...

1283
01:07:46,430 --> 01:07:48,797
- Chat.
- Chat.

1284
01:07:48,799 --> 01:07:53,068
I'm thrilled to be talking
to the newest voice

1285
01:07:53,070 --> 01:07:56,304
in romantic literature,
Zoe fielder.

1286
01:07:56,306 --> 01:07:58,440
Thanks for coming
on the show, Zoe.

1287
01:07:58,442 --> 01:08:00,108
It's my pleasure.

1288
01:08:00,110 --> 01:08:03,745
So what made you write
"love let her,"

1289
01:08:03,747 --> 01:08:07,482
which critics say
redefines the genre,

1290
01:08:07,484 --> 01:08:10,652
but is currently banned
by at least six

1291
01:08:10,654 --> 01:08:13,188
of east Anglia's
mobile libraries?

1292
01:08:13,190 --> 01:08:16,524
You mean, "what on earth
made you write it?"

1293
01:08:16,526 --> 01:08:19,828
No, no, I'm sure
you had your reasons,

1294
01:08:19,830 --> 01:08:23,665
but it is very steamy stuff.

1295
01:08:23,667 --> 01:08:29,204
Well, I wrote it because I have a
ravenous appetite for "steamy stuff"

1296
01:08:29,206 --> 01:08:31,806
that just wasn't being
satisfied by the current crop

1297
01:08:31,808 --> 01:08:34,275
of cloying crap on the shelves.

1298
01:08:34,277 --> 01:08:37,779
My one desire in life is desire.

1299
01:08:37,781 --> 01:08:41,749
I mean, right now
it's all I can do

1300
01:08:41,751 --> 01:08:45,453
to keep my feeble
womanly mind from imagining

1301
01:08:45,455 --> 01:08:47,388
greasing a pair
of antique bellows.

1302
01:08:47,390 --> 01:08:49,357
- Shut her up!
- Shut up.

1303
01:08:49,359 --> 01:08:52,794
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

1304
01:08:52,796 --> 01:08:56,664
Okay, let's get these
out of the way quickly,

1305
01:08:56,666 --> 01:08:57,866
shall we?

1306
01:08:59,902 --> 01:09:03,571
"Based on experience"? Well,
wouldn't you like to know?

1307
01:09:03,573 --> 01:09:06,541
"Literary merit"?
None, probably.

1308
01:09:06,543 --> 01:09:11,513
"Is it important"?
Well, the trick question.

1309
01:09:11,515 --> 01:09:14,549
"Feminism." Well, do I
believe in women's equality?

1310
01:09:14,551 --> 01:09:16,317
Of course, I bloody do.

1311
01:09:16,319 --> 01:09:19,254
"Do true feminists like sex"?
Some do, some don't.

1312
01:09:19,256 --> 01:09:21,456
As long as those that don't
don't slag off those that do,

1313
01:09:21,458 --> 01:09:23,625
it's not an issue.

1314
01:09:23,627 --> 01:09:26,494
And "will I be
writing a sequel"?

1315
01:09:26,496 --> 01:09:31,199
Well, I'm not sure.
What do you think?

1316
01:09:31,201 --> 01:09:35,904
Well, I suppose it's down to
whether we dislike this book.

1317
01:09:35,906 --> 01:09:37,572
Exactly.

1318
01:09:37,574 --> 01:09:40,441
But if they do,
I have plans to write

1319
01:09:40,443 --> 01:09:43,578
many, many more books.

1320
01:09:43,580 --> 01:09:46,281
Watch this space.

1321
01:09:46,283 --> 01:09:47,916
And now it's time for a break.

1322
01:09:47,918 --> 01:09:50,451
Thank you, Zoe fielder,
for your very frank answers

1323
01:09:50,453 --> 01:09:53,421
and good luck with the book.

1324
01:09:53,423 --> 01:09:55,356
- After the break...

1325
01:09:55,358 --> 01:09:58,459
One man's view
of artistic beauty.

1326
01:09:58,461 --> 01:09:59,594
Off air.

1327
01:09:59,596 --> 01:10:01,262
Not much I can do about that.

1328
01:10:01,264 --> 01:10:03,331
Just goes to show you
what happens when you have

1329
01:10:03,333 --> 01:10:04,666
an inexperienced presenter.

1330
01:10:04,668 --> 01:10:06,267
It was fine.

1331
01:10:06,269 --> 01:10:09,804
Just the sort of thing
to get people talking.

1332
01:10:09,806 --> 01:10:12,974
And here we are.
They're tweeting already.

1333
01:10:12,976 --> 01:10:16,377
"Go, Zoe, tell the guy."

1334
01:10:16,379 --> 01:10:20,381
"Yay! Girl with attitude.
Good for you."

1335
01:10:20,383 --> 01:10:21,983
"You're a disgrace
to the sisterhood."

1336
01:10:21,985 --> 01:10:24,552
Well, can't win 'em all.

1337
01:10:24,554 --> 01:10:28,289
I'm sorry, David. I don't
know what came over me.

1338
01:10:28,291 --> 01:10:31,526
Bullshit. You were just
flexing your muscles.

1339
01:10:31,528 --> 01:10:35,296
Maybe. Or maybe I was being
the type of feisty young woman

1340
01:10:35,298 --> 01:10:37,432
that TV audiences like.

1341
01:10:37,434 --> 01:10:39,767
You want them to believe I wrote
the damned book, don't you?

1342
01:10:39,769 --> 01:10:42,337
Of course, but I don't
want them to believe

1343
01:10:42,339 --> 01:10:44,305
there's a sodding
great library in the offering.

1344
01:10:44,307 --> 01:10:47,942
Come on, David. It's time for
your next insightful encounter.

1345
01:10:47,944 --> 01:10:49,611
Oh, bloody hell.

1346
01:10:49,613 --> 01:10:52,780
- This is Lilly.
- Come on, Lilly.

1347
01:10:55,684 --> 01:10:57,986
Personally, I liked
your performance.

1348
01:10:57,988 --> 01:11:00,788
Which, I suspect is what it was.

1349
01:11:00,790 --> 01:11:03,791
I was just trying to be honest.

1350
01:11:03,793 --> 01:11:05,960
Not always the best policy.

1351
01:11:05,962 --> 01:11:07,662
You need people on the side,

1352
01:11:07,664 --> 01:11:11,966
that's what these junkets
are all about.

1353
01:11:11,968 --> 01:11:15,370
Never burn Bridges
before they're built.

1354
01:11:15,372 --> 01:11:17,872
30 seconds and into
the next interview.

1355
01:11:17,874 --> 01:11:21,609
Stand by in the studio and someone
please find a dustpan and brush.

1356
01:11:21,611 --> 01:11:25,513
Oh, bloody hell.
Phil, try to clean this up.

1357
01:11:30,786 --> 01:11:32,920
Do you really have to go?

1358
01:11:32,922 --> 01:11:34,756
I have two more interviews
to do in London.

1359
01:11:34,758 --> 01:11:37,992
Which you may remember,
is where I live.

1360
01:11:37,994 --> 01:11:39,894
Then what?

1361
01:11:39,896 --> 01:11:42,864
And then back to the real world.

1362
01:11:42,866 --> 01:11:45,833
It's funny. I never thought I'd
think of acting as the real world.

1363
01:11:45,835 --> 01:11:48,770
- Will you come back?
- Will you come to London?

1364
01:11:48,772 --> 01:11:50,471
I've got a pub to run.

1365
01:11:50,473 --> 01:11:52,407
Thanks to you.

1366
01:11:52,409 --> 01:11:55,543
I could visit.

1367
01:11:55,545 --> 01:11:57,445
Then come and visit.

1368
01:12:00,049 --> 01:12:01,883
Look, I never asked,
but I assume

1369
01:12:01,885 --> 01:12:04,052
your contribution to the book
was the most hardcore stuff.

1370
01:12:04,054 --> 01:12:07,055
No, it was the least
hardcore stuff.

1371
01:12:07,057 --> 01:12:10,591
- The poetic bits?
- Yes, thank god.

1372
01:12:14,096 --> 01:12:16,397
You're really quite
prudish, aren't you?

1373
01:12:16,399 --> 01:12:18,900
I'm not prudish.

1374
01:12:18,902 --> 01:12:20,601
I...

1375
01:12:24,973 --> 01:12:26,941
- You again? Piss off.
- Oh, for Christ's sake.

1376
01:12:30,579 --> 01:12:32,847
To my friend over there,
you just ruined the most

1377
01:12:32,849 --> 01:12:34,449
romantic moment of my life.

1378
01:12:34,451 --> 01:12:37,518
Well, here's to our
youngest, naughtiest

1379
01:12:37,520 --> 01:12:39,721
and most lucrative author.

1380
01:12:39,723 --> 01:12:42,724
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

1381
01:12:45,527 --> 01:12:48,930
And you're going to be
an even wealthier young lady.

1382
01:12:48,932 --> 01:12:51,699
Congratulations.

1383
01:12:51,701 --> 01:12:53,401
What's happened?

1384
01:12:53,403 --> 01:12:56,437
The publishers want you
to sign for three more books.

1385
01:12:56,439 --> 01:12:58,139
We're still negotiating
the advance,

1386
01:12:58,141 --> 01:13:00,908
but it will be well
into seven figures.

1387
01:13:00,910 --> 01:13:03,478
The film rights
have been snapped up.

1388
01:13:03,480 --> 01:13:05,146
We're going for a tiny advance

1389
01:13:05,148 --> 01:13:08,549
but a socking great percentage.

1390
01:13:08,551 --> 01:13:10,885
And the screenplay
is already underway.

1391
01:13:10,887 --> 01:13:12,553
Director's been booked,

1392
01:13:12,555 --> 01:13:16,491
and they start casting
next week.

1393
01:13:16,493 --> 01:13:18,126
What do I do?

1394
01:13:18,128 --> 01:13:20,461
Sign the contract
and enjoy yourself.

1395
01:13:22,965 --> 01:13:26,701
I need a little time.

1396
01:13:26,703 --> 01:13:28,903
It's a big ask.

1397
01:13:28,905 --> 01:13:31,973
Oh, it'll be fine.

1398
01:13:31,975 --> 01:13:34,809
If they rush release
the film and it's a success,

1399
01:13:34,811 --> 01:13:38,946
it'll put the price
of your publishing advance up.

1400
01:13:38,948 --> 01:13:41,983
Leave it to us.
You're in safe hands.

1401
01:13:45,421 --> 01:13:49,090
I can't believe this.
More about Zoe's book.

1402
01:13:49,092 --> 01:13:53,995
"Casting is underway for the film of
the latest mummy porn phenomenon,

1403
01:13:53,997 --> 01:13:55,196
'love let her.'

1404
01:13:55,198 --> 01:13:57,131
fans of the book
are already arguing

1405
01:13:57,133 --> 01:13:59,434
over who should play
the crucial roles

1406
01:13:59,436 --> 01:14:02,770
of the ultra smooth headmaster and
the object of his lurid fantasies."

1407
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:06,207
- I don't believe it.
- Mum, what's a "lurid fantasy"?

1408
01:14:06,209 --> 01:14:07,909
You're too young to understand.

1409
01:14:07,911 --> 01:14:09,844
And so are you, young lady.

1410
01:14:09,846 --> 01:14:12,046
I want to read
auntie Zoe's book.

1411
01:14:12,048 --> 01:14:14,515
- Where have you hidden it?
- Where you can't find it.

1412
01:14:14,517 --> 01:14:16,651
You can read it when you're
old enough to appreciate it,

1413
01:14:16,653 --> 01:14:18,786
by which time you'll probably
wonder what all the fuss was about.

1414
01:14:18,788 --> 01:14:21,155
I can't help wondering
that anyway.

1415
01:14:21,157 --> 01:14:24,058
Still, it won't hurt
Zoe's bank balance.

1416
01:14:24,060 --> 01:14:26,127
Will you just go!
We're late already.

1417
01:14:26,129 --> 01:14:28,229
Why does it always
have to be like this?

1418
01:14:28,231 --> 01:14:29,697
Quick, quick, quick,
quick, quick.

1419
01:14:29,699 --> 01:14:30,965
Bye, love.
Have a good day.

1420
01:14:30,967 --> 01:14:32,600
- Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye-bye, darling.

1421
01:14:36,806 --> 01:14:40,942
The dam that blocks my heart
is overflowing with emotion.

1422
01:14:40,944 --> 01:14:42,977
And my heart's full to bursting.

1423
01:14:42,979 --> 01:14:45,580
What are we going to... do?

1424
01:14:45,582 --> 01:14:47,648
You have to trust me.

1425
01:14:47,650 --> 01:14:50,084
Whatever I ask you to do,
it's for us.

1426
01:14:50,086 --> 01:14:55,690
What? Are you going
to ask me to do?

1427
01:14:55,692 --> 01:15:00,161
Oh, sauce. What are you
going to ask me to do?

1428
01:15:00,163 --> 01:15:03,498
Show me how much you want me.

1429
01:15:03,500 --> 01:15:07,001
I'm a little scared.

1430
01:15:07,003 --> 01:15:11,005
Not half as scared as we are.

1431
01:15:11,007 --> 01:15:13,107
Thank you.
That was really great.

1432
01:15:13,109 --> 01:15:15,276
- But I read it wrong.
- Easily done.

1433
01:15:15,278 --> 01:15:17,678
Shall we look
at the breakup scene?

1434
01:15:17,680 --> 01:15:18,980
Page 90.

1435
01:15:22,684 --> 01:15:26,287
My heart is not a bargaining
chip for your cheap lies.

1436
01:15:26,289 --> 01:15:27,989
I can't afford...

1437
01:15:27,991 --> 01:15:31,092
Sorry. This is where
we need to feel real empathy

1438
01:15:31,094 --> 01:15:34,595
with the character.
You know, see some passion.

1439
01:15:34,597 --> 01:15:36,097
Imagine you're on the catwalk

1440
01:15:36,099 --> 01:15:38,633
and all the buyers suddenly
turn their backs on you.

1441
01:15:38,635 --> 01:15:42,537
Oh, right, right. Okay.

1442
01:15:42,539 --> 01:15:46,674
My heart is not a bargaining
chip for your cheap lies.

1443
01:15:46,676 --> 01:15:49,844
- I can't... -i can't afford to
sell myself at the love market.

1444
01:15:49,846 --> 01:15:51,579
The price is already rock bottom

1445
01:15:51,581 --> 01:15:54,048
and I wont slash it any further.

1446
01:15:54,050 --> 01:15:56,584
Is that what our
passion is worth?

1447
01:15:56,586 --> 01:15:58,619
That's just it.

1448
01:15:58,621 --> 01:16:00,288
In my mind the price
has skyrocketed

1449
01:16:00,290 --> 01:16:02,323
and the revenue tripled.
Can't you see that?

1450
01:16:08,897 --> 01:16:11,098
Let's take a break, shall we?

1451
01:16:11,100 --> 01:16:15,169
Look, I'm really, really sorry,

1452
01:16:15,171 --> 01:16:17,338
but I'm an actress
and I have really strong ideas

1453
01:16:17,340 --> 01:16:20,942
about how the words
should be spoken.

1454
01:16:20,944 --> 01:16:23,244
My words.

1455
01:16:23,246 --> 01:16:25,313
Well, that's fine.

1456
01:16:25,315 --> 01:16:27,949
Give us five minutes?

1457
01:16:27,951 --> 01:16:28,951
Thank you.

1458
01:16:32,254 --> 01:16:35,022
She's raw as hell, but she
can certainly access it.

1459
01:16:35,024 --> 01:16:38,092
She may be an actress, but I'm
afraid she's not on my radar.

1460
01:16:38,094 --> 01:16:40,261
She's not a friggin' missile.

1461
01:16:40,263 --> 01:16:43,898
- You did ask me to find big names.
- I did.

1462
01:16:43,900 --> 01:16:45,333
And you have.

1463
01:16:45,335 --> 01:16:48,336
The point is
do we pay a lot of money

1464
01:16:48,338 --> 01:16:51,839
for the latest trendy actress
or a lot less for someone

1465
01:16:51,841 --> 01:16:53,374
who's in the unique position

1466
01:16:53,376 --> 01:16:55,743
of actually having written
the original book?

1467
01:16:55,745 --> 01:16:58,112
I don't think
that's happened before.

1468
01:16:58,114 --> 01:17:00,681
Emma Thompson...
"sense and sensibility."

1469
01:17:00,683 --> 01:17:03,918
I think you'll find Jane
Austen had her hand in that.

1470
01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:06,087
So, do we have a go?

1471
01:17:06,089 --> 01:17:10,157
Well, the marketing people
will wet their knickers.

1472
01:17:10,159 --> 01:17:12,193
Give me a couple
of days with her.

1473
01:17:12,195 --> 01:17:16,030
So, you see, it wasn't just
David, it was all four of them.

1474
01:17:16,032 --> 01:17:18,165
I see. Why are you
telling me this?

1475
01:17:18,167 --> 01:17:20,001
Because it's all
just gone a bit nuts.

1476
01:17:20,003 --> 01:17:24,005
I mean, no one meant any harm,
I guess we did save the pub.

1477
01:17:24,007 --> 01:17:26,374
Oh, well, that's
impressive, then.

1478
01:17:26,376 --> 01:17:29,176
Please don't be angry
with David...

1479
01:17:29,178 --> 01:17:31,245
Or me.

1480
01:17:31,247 --> 01:17:33,214
I'm not very angry.

1481
01:17:33,216 --> 01:17:37,284
And I guess David, at least, gets
to write his novel, in a way.

1482
01:17:37,286 --> 01:17:40,154
I'm just out of my depth.

1483
01:17:40,156 --> 01:17:42,823
Me too, that's why
I had to call.

1484
01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:45,726
Do you want all this?

1485
01:17:45,728 --> 01:17:48,362
You know it's a Faustian
pact, don't you?

1486
01:17:48,364 --> 01:17:52,133
Yes, I do.

1487
01:17:52,135 --> 01:17:54,769
And I think I can cope.

1488
01:17:57,439 --> 01:17:59,407
Jen, there's something else.

1489
01:18:02,210 --> 01:18:04,912
Isn't that your
sister-in-law there, David?

1490
01:18:04,914 --> 01:18:07,381
Looks like there's
no stopping her now.

1491
01:18:07,383 --> 01:18:09,150
I don't believe this.
How could she?

1492
01:18:09,152 --> 01:18:10,217
How could she what?

1493
01:18:10,219 --> 01:18:12,086
Degrade herself like this.

1494
01:18:12,088 --> 01:18:13,988
Well, presumably
she wants the job.

1495
01:18:13,990 --> 01:18:15,890
But she doesn't.

1496
01:18:15,892 --> 01:18:17,191
I'm going to London.

1497
01:18:17,193 --> 01:18:19,060
- Why?
- I don't know.

1498
01:18:19,062 --> 01:18:20,795
Well, "coup de foudre."

1499
01:18:20,797 --> 01:18:22,329
- Yeah, thanks for that.
- What Justin means by that...

1500
01:18:22,331 --> 01:18:25,199
Yeah, I know what he means,
you smug gits.

1501
01:18:25,201 --> 01:18:27,868
In fact, I know what most of your
fancy literary allusions mean.

1502
01:18:27,870 --> 01:18:31,105
- I just let you enjoy patronizing me.
- Chris, we never...

1503
01:18:31,107 --> 01:18:34,341
It was a "coup de foudre"
all those months ago.

1504
01:18:34,343 --> 01:18:36,310
Now I have to tell her.

1505
01:20:03,266 --> 01:20:05,266
Oi!

1506
01:20:05,268 --> 01:20:06,567
Sorry.

1507
01:20:07,836 --> 01:20:09,236
Who the hell are you?

1508
01:20:09,238 --> 01:20:11,272
Trevor, call security, now!

1509
01:20:11,274 --> 01:20:13,340
Wait, wait, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I know him.

1510
01:20:13,342 --> 01:20:15,376
- Just give me two minutes.
- You got two minutes

1511
01:20:15,378 --> 01:20:18,145
- and then you're out of here.
- -It's okay, everyone.

1512
01:20:18,147 --> 01:20:20,047
- So? -You shouldn't
be doing this.

1513
01:20:20,049 --> 01:20:21,949
And what the hell gives you
the right to make a judgment?

1514
01:20:21,951 --> 01:20:26,587
Nothing. Except what
I feel for you.

1515
01:20:26,589 --> 01:20:30,024
And what do you feel?

1516
01:20:30,026 --> 01:20:32,159
Doesn't matter now.

1517
01:20:34,196 --> 01:20:40,201
Look, I like you a lot,

1518
01:20:40,203 --> 01:20:42,603
but chances to star in a film
don't come along every day.

1519
01:20:42,605 --> 01:20:44,572
If you're talented, they do.

1520
01:20:44,574 --> 01:20:47,308
You don't need to...
You know, take your kit off,

1521
01:20:47,310 --> 01:20:49,944
- subject yourself...
- I'm not taking...

1522
01:20:49,946 --> 01:20:51,912
God, you don't know
anything, do you?

1523
01:20:51,914 --> 01:20:53,848
I mean, you wrote
the bloody book,

1524
01:20:53,850 --> 01:20:56,217
and now you're coming
over here all sanctimonious.

1525
01:20:56,219 --> 01:21:00,387
I kept my end of the bargain.
You keep yours.

1526
01:21:00,389 --> 01:21:03,357
Go back to your pub and let
me make something of my life.

1527
01:21:03,359 --> 01:21:05,125
But that's just it.

1528
01:21:05,127 --> 01:21:06,894
Do you really want
this kind of life?

1529
01:21:06,896 --> 01:21:09,930
Yes. I do.

1530
01:21:09,932 --> 01:21:11,599
I've got the taste
for money and fame

1531
01:21:11,601 --> 01:21:14,101
and I intend to get
very used to it.

1532
01:21:17,472 --> 01:21:20,107
- It's all right, I'm going.
- Good.

1533
01:21:20,109 --> 01:21:24,044
- Don't try this again.
- -I won't.

1534
01:21:24,046 --> 01:21:28,616
Look son, she's acting.
That's all it is.

1535
01:21:28,618 --> 01:21:29,650
None of this is real.

1536
01:21:29,652 --> 01:21:31,919
No.

1537
01:21:31,921 --> 01:21:35,022
You're dead right, it's not.

1538
01:21:35,024 --> 01:21:36,490
Come on.

1539
01:21:36,492 --> 01:21:38,592
Quiet, please.
Check the shoot.

1540
01:21:38,594 --> 01:21:41,061
Anyone who isn't required,
leave the set now.

1541
01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:43,464
- We did.
- -Okay.

1542
01:21:43,466 --> 01:21:45,599
- Take.
- Mark it.

1543
01:22:25,975 --> 01:22:29,410
God knows what your sir
Galahad encounter stirred up,

1544
01:22:29,412 --> 01:22:33,047
but she's now decided to sign
for another three books,

1545
01:22:33,049 --> 01:22:35,049
on terms rather
more favorable to her.

1546
01:22:35,051 --> 01:22:36,517
What's our share?

1547
01:22:36,519 --> 01:22:38,118
Five grand a book.

1548
01:22:38,120 --> 01:22:39,687
- Each?
- Between us.

1549
01:22:39,689 --> 01:22:42,122
- Good god.
- Shit.

1550
01:22:42,124 --> 01:22:44,124
Anyway, I wouldn't want it if
it were a hundred times that.

1551
01:22:44,126 --> 01:22:45,492
What we did was supposed
to be a bit of a laugh,

1552
01:22:45,494 --> 01:22:47,161
basically, to help Chris.

1553
01:22:47,163 --> 01:22:49,229
I just don't understand
what's happened to her.

1554
01:22:49,231 --> 01:22:53,000
It's obvious. She likes the high life.
And why shouldn't she?

1555
01:22:53,002 --> 01:22:54,601
We set her up for it.

1556
01:22:54,603 --> 01:22:57,338
Actually, I set her up.

1557
01:22:57,340 --> 01:22:59,440
We are so totally buggered.

1558
01:22:59,442 --> 01:23:01,275
If we don't write
the bloody thing

1559
01:23:01,277 --> 01:23:02,609
she'll be outing us to the press

1560
01:23:02,611 --> 01:23:04,645
quicker than you
can say "BDSM."

1561
01:23:04,647 --> 01:23:06,213
I still don't see why
we can't just own up,

1562
01:23:06,215 --> 01:23:07,648
get out of it.

1563
01:23:07,650 --> 01:23:10,451
Because I have spent
the last year

1564
01:23:10,453 --> 01:23:12,419
berating Jen
about her reading habits,

1565
01:23:12,421 --> 01:23:15,289
not to mention denouncing
in print and on screen

1566
01:23:15,291 --> 01:23:16,590
all things chick and mummy.

1567
01:23:16,592 --> 01:23:19,760
And despite 40 years
exemplary service,

1568
01:23:19,762 --> 01:23:22,463
the headmaster
will justifiably remove

1569
01:23:22,465 --> 01:23:25,532
my reputation,
pension, and testes.

1570
01:23:25,534 --> 01:23:27,434
Well, at least now that you're
retired, you can lie low.

1571
01:23:27,436 --> 01:23:30,337
I had lady Fermley-Cadwaller
asking me for my autograph today

1572
01:23:30,339 --> 01:23:32,339
on the basis
that I vaguely know Zoe.

1573
01:23:32,341 --> 01:23:34,274
Autograph...?

1574
01:23:34,276 --> 01:23:36,310
Autograph.

1575
01:23:36,312 --> 01:23:41,015
Gentlemen, I may have had
a brilliant idea.

1576
01:23:41,017 --> 01:23:42,516
Based on your previous
brilliant ideas,

1577
01:23:42,518 --> 01:23:44,284
I think that might loosely
count as an oxymoron.

1578
01:23:44,286 --> 01:23:46,020
Oh, well, strictly
speaking, of course,

1579
01:23:46,022 --> 01:23:48,088
it's not actually an oxymoron.

1580
01:23:48,090 --> 01:23:52,192
- I said, loosely. -Cease and desist.
Here's the plan.

1581
01:23:56,031 --> 01:23:58,365
- It's us.
- We only have a moment.

1582
01:23:58,367 --> 01:24:01,769
I left Jen in the boo... in the
boozer and she's fretting.

1583
01:24:01,771 --> 01:24:04,471
All you need to do is shove
one of these under Zoe's nose

1584
01:24:04,473 --> 01:24:07,107
as she swans down
the red carpet.

1585
01:24:07,109 --> 01:24:09,143
We just need one legible
signature from her

1586
01:24:09,145 --> 01:24:10,677
to attach to her
rescinded contract

1587
01:24:10,679 --> 01:24:13,514
- and our troubles are over.
- Or just beginning.

1588
01:24:13,516 --> 01:24:15,249
I'm sure it must be illegal.

1589
01:24:15,251 --> 01:24:18,318
She won't have the guts
to own up to being so dim.

1590
01:24:18,320 --> 01:24:21,622
What if she recognizes me?

1591
01:24:21,624 --> 01:24:23,490
That's why we have three tries.

1592
01:24:23,492 --> 01:24:26,160
- And if she won't sign it?
- She will.

1593
01:24:26,162 --> 01:24:27,594
They always do.

1594
01:24:33,168 --> 01:24:35,803
Zoe! Zoe!

1595
01:24:40,608 --> 01:24:42,242
Miss Zoe.

1596
01:25:10,271 --> 01:25:12,272
By the way, Chris,
I've been meaning to ask you,

1597
01:25:12,274 --> 01:25:15,175
what did Zoe write
in your autograph book?

1598
01:25:15,177 --> 01:25:17,744
"Men are
stupendously dim."

1599
01:25:17,746 --> 01:25:19,513
Never a truer word.

1600
01:25:19,515 --> 01:25:22,182
Jen, what the...
What are you doing here?

1601
01:25:22,184 --> 01:25:23,884
We've come to sign up
for the writers' group.

1602
01:25:23,886 --> 01:25:25,652
It sounds like you're doing

1603
01:25:25,654 --> 01:25:28,889
some jolly interesting
and thought-provoking stuff.

1604
01:25:28,891 --> 01:25:30,524
I wish you could see yourselves.

1605
01:25:30,526 --> 01:25:32,226
Like a bunch
of naughty schoolboys.

1606
01:25:32,228 --> 01:25:34,394
I'm not sure if I find
most insulting the fact

1607
01:25:34,396 --> 01:25:36,396
that you've been lying
to me all this time,

1608
01:25:36,398 --> 01:25:38,732
or that you think that
Geoffrey and I are so pathetic

1609
01:25:38,734 --> 01:25:41,401
we had to be excluded
from your silly game.

1610
01:25:41,403 --> 01:25:43,737
Well, we just didn't
want to upset you.

1611
01:25:43,739 --> 01:25:46,273
Oh, please.

1612
01:25:46,275 --> 01:25:48,842
- How did you find out?
- I've known for a while.

1613
01:25:48,844 --> 01:25:51,345
Zoe called me and she
was quite concerned.

1614
01:25:51,347 --> 01:25:53,514
So she bloody well should be.
Do you know what...

1615
01:25:53,516 --> 01:25:55,549
What the new deal was?
Yes, of course.

1616
01:25:55,551 --> 01:25:59,253
What you didn't know
is that she never signed it.

1617
01:25:59,255 --> 01:26:02,322
Why?

1618
01:26:02,324 --> 01:26:04,591
Maybe it was something you said.

1619
01:26:04,593 --> 01:26:06,426
Anyway, it's all academic now,

1620
01:26:06,428 --> 01:26:09,296
if one dare use that word
in this context.

1621
01:26:09,298 --> 01:26:11,365
Well, you're obviously
all so keen to indulge

1622
01:26:11,367 --> 01:26:13,300
your silly guilt you don't
know about the film.

1623
01:26:13,302 --> 01:26:14,668
What about it?

1624
01:26:14,670 --> 01:26:17,804
Well, apparently, it had
a great first weekend,

1625
01:26:17,806 --> 01:26:20,707
whatever that means, and then the
public decided it was drivel.

1626
01:26:20,709 --> 01:26:24,945
So, no money,
and no follow-up book deal.

1627
01:26:24,947 --> 01:26:27,681
But get this into
your thick heads.

1628
01:26:27,683 --> 01:26:30,751
Zoe decided it was all wrong
before the film tanked.

1629
01:26:30,753 --> 01:26:33,187
There was never gonna be
any more money.

1630
01:26:33,189 --> 01:26:36,790
We really didn't want the money.
Honestly, Jen.

1631
01:26:36,792 --> 01:26:38,892
I actually accept that.

1632
01:26:38,894 --> 01:26:41,461
But you'd better accept
that my lovely sister

1633
01:26:41,463 --> 01:26:45,766
is the only one of you who comes
out of this with any dignity.

1634
01:26:45,768 --> 01:26:49,269
Now how much money
do you have left?

1635
01:26:49,271 --> 01:26:50,637
About 900 quid.

1636
01:26:50,639 --> 01:26:53,740
Geoffrey, 900 quid.

1637
01:26:53,742 --> 01:26:55,409
Well, let's have a party.

1638
01:27:27,610 --> 01:27:30,010
Put it there.
Now we're playing!

1639
01:27:53,568 --> 01:27:55,002
Hi.

1640
01:27:56,037 --> 01:27:58,405
Hi.

1641
01:28:02,877 --> 01:28:05,379
I'm sorry your film tanked.

1642
01:28:05,381 --> 01:28:07,281
It's not my film.

1643
01:28:10,585 --> 01:28:14,554
Look, I don't have a moral
problem with any of it.

1644
01:28:14,556 --> 01:28:17,491
And I'm sure
there's someone planning

1645
01:28:17,493 --> 01:28:21,428
the "next big chick hit"
as we speak,

1646
01:28:21,430 --> 01:28:24,665
but it wasn't real, any of it.

1647
01:28:26,934 --> 01:28:30,003
You know, I had two body doubles
for most of the filming?

1648
01:28:30,005 --> 01:28:33,373
One for boobs and one for bum.

1649
01:28:33,375 --> 01:28:36,343
And I left my sweet
supportive agent

1650
01:28:36,345 --> 01:28:38,912
for a big cheese who already
doesn't return my calls.

1651
01:28:40,548 --> 01:28:42,983
And it just wasn't fun.

1652
01:28:49,390 --> 01:28:51,091
What do actors do
when they're unemployed?

1653
01:28:54,595 --> 01:28:56,963
Have you got any vacancies?

1654
01:28:56,965 --> 01:28:58,365
Yeah.