To all the critics out there,
I know they're going to review this,
and I know they're gonna try to knock me...
is it okay if I say this to camera, Amber? Okay.
I only am who I am 'cause I was born that way.
I have a gift,
and I'm trying not to be selfish about it, but to use it.
If you're gonna knock me for that, that's your problem.
Jealousy will get you nowhere.
And I'm gonna keep rockin' on.
Ellen, what's the matter with you?
Don't tell mom I'm taking you to your stupid junior prom.
Get out of here!
Your brother! How gross is that?
They don't know you're my brother.
Please, Ben. You have to. I'll pay you.
Find someone who's not related to you.
Loser.
What are you doing here? Aren't you, like, 30?
Come on!
Excuse me,
is there someplace we're supposed to check in?
Over there.
Is this your first summer? I was here last year.
Remember? We were in 'night, mother together.
Oh.
You're Jill Simmons. My name's Fritzi.
Fritzi. Of course.
Let me.
You have the number at the ship.
Call me whenever you need me.
This is Glen, the camp director.
Go to him if you have a problem.
That's enough, mom. You're embarrassing me.
We'll take very good care of him.
Give me a hug. I can't breathe!
Jenna!
My role model in everything nubian.
What are you doing here?
I thought you had to go to weight watchers camp this summer.
We wanted her to,
but she insisted on going back to camp ovation.
So we compromised and had her jaw wired shut.
Oh.
You can hardly tell.
Buddy Miller, sports counselor.
We have a sports counselor?
Of course we do.
You gonna play some softball this summer?
No.
Aah! Michael!
How you doin', babe?
Why weren't you on the bus?
My sister drove me here. I'm staying with her.
My god, your face.
He tried to go to his junior prom in fishnets and heels.
My junior prom,
I stayed home with a roll of cookie dough and TV land.
I watched my junior prom
from outside in the bushes for three hours.
That's so Stella Dallas.
Is Bert Hanley really directing here this summer?
Bert Hanley? I thought he retired.
- I thought he died. - He might have.
He was supposed to be here two days ago.
How does that happen? He used to be huge.
He hasn't had a hit since children's crusade.
He never wrote another show.
I hope he directs the benefit this summer.
What are you singing for auditions for the first show?
- Don't rain on my parade. - That's original.
With the tugboat.
What is that supposed to be?
How you doing?
My name's Vlad.
Hi.
Okay if I use those drawers?
You can go into anybody's drawers you like.
I don't think you'll get an argument.
Michael!
Just ignore him. That's what he's used to.
I'm Ellen, this is Shaun
and Spitzer and Michael.
Bathroom?
Thirty-foot rule.
- No way! - What's that?
Michael has to stay 30 feet away
until we know if he's straight or gay.
If he's gay, I'm Tyne Daly.
Honey, it's just...
Could someone please shut her up?
Next.
A boy.
An honest-to-god straight boy.
Cast lists are up.
I will go insane if I don't get into promises, promises.
I'm in it!
Midnight sun?
Old.
Lost.
Two thousand sunsets, yet not one sunrise.
No, no, no, no! God damn you all!
You piss on the memory of the greatest playwright
of the 20th century!
In Cuba, we took our lives in our hands performing her work,
waiting for Castro's thugs to burst in and arrest us!
I don't understand what I'm saying.
Of course you don't, you middle-class piece of shit!
I'm doing the best I can.
That's what's so tragic.
Leave her alone.
How about you, then?
Have you had even one painful moment in your life
since the doctor slapped you on your ass when you were born?
Yeah. Tell me, then.
Tell me your most painful moment,
the one that makes you convulse with sobs when you think of it.
Why would I do that in front of three strangers?
To be able to do it in front of 3,000.
Back to the top,
and try not to screw up the blocking this time.
Eyes, eyes, nostrils, silent scream.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Piss in the dumpster. Start again!
How was your first day of rehearsal?
It was okay.
I'm a little out of my element.
We really do a new show every two weeks?
And a benefit at the end of the summer.
Jeez!
Ellen said you were her hero today
with that crazy director.
Can I ask you something personal?
What made you come here?
I want to act. Why?
We just don't get many like you.
Can I ask you something personal?
Yeah.
You're gay, right?
How do you know?
Have you ever experimented with heterosexuality?
You mean sleep with a straight guy? What for?
A girl.
I can't even straighten my hair.
That's too bad. You'd be a total playa.
Got that whole Latin thing going.
Get a girl alone, throw on some salsa,
whisper a little Spanish in her ear.
You'd make out like a bandit.
I'll keep that in mind.
Is that your father?
That's Stephen Sondheim.
The greatest songwriter in musical theater.
I don't talk to my parents.
- Why not? - Enough.
I have to keep some kind of mystery.
You'll grow bored with me and move on to someone younger.
- Good night, Mike. - 'Night, Vlad.
Did he call me Mike?
Can I help you?
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go.
- I'm Bert Hanley. - Bert Hanley? It's about time.
Where have you been?
You were supposed to be here two days ago.
You're right. What's the use in lying?
I've been drinking for 72 hours.
You've been drinking?
Not the way you make it sound when you say, "drinking?!"
I'm fine now, really.
Let's get started. I'll get those.
I assumed that we would have some adult time to ourselves.
What show am I doing, anyway?
Hi!
Hi.
My name's Vlad.
I don't mean to bother you or anything.
I just wanted to tell you how excited I am that you're here.
I did a production of the children's crusade
at school this spring.
And, uh...
At first I did it just to get close to this girl.
But then it was so good.
It really took the characters of the kids so seriously.
That's really kind of you to say.
That song I sing for you,
I listened to the record, like, a hundred times
just to get the chords right on my guitar.
It's not out on cd. Did you know that?
Yeah, I knew that.
So, what shows have you done since then, Mr. Hanley?
Thank you very much for coming by to visit, Vlad.
Thank you. Just give me a break.
You little ass-kisser.
One, two, three, four.
Quit dragging!
Y'all better get your asses used to less sleep
'cause we're gonna have rehearsal all morning.
Then lunch, then rehearsal.
Then dinner, then rehearsal.
And the whole thing starts all over again the next day.
Miss Allen, we've all seen the beginning of fame.
Ooh! Ooh!
Fame, huh?
They do that on fame?
No.
Again! One, two, three, four.
'Night, Jenna.
'Night, Ellen.
Shut up! Start again!
Eyes, eyes, nostrils! Silent scream!
You're really talented.
I don't understand a single word of this crap,
but you do it with such conviction.
So...
A guy like you could have a really lucky summer
in a place like this, huh?
I'm starting to get that idea.
Hey, look. First star. I know my wish.
Changing the subject.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Four brothers... Two older, two younger.
Must be tough when the middle child is the special one.
Throws everything out of whack.
Special? Yeah.
I don't even remember the last time
my parents called me by the right name.
You don't think you're special?
No.
I mean, seriously.
I don't mean like dorky boy-band kind of special,
which I'm sure you get all the time, but...
There's something really there.
Something substantial.
And you deserve something substantial in return.
God. Somebody hit me with a rock so I shut up.
No.
Made me feel great.
It's cold.
Come here.
That worked.
It's 10 A.M. everybody should be in class.
Here we are.
Jeez.
Be it ever so humble...
What's up, Fritzi?
Would you like Fritzi
to fix you a bug juice or something?
No.
Leave us.
Bye, Fritz.
Does she work for you now?
She likes to do little things for me.
It makes her feel like she belongs.
I'm supposed to be running lines with Ellen.
She'll have the whole summer to do
that brother-sister bonding thing she does with all the boys.
Sit.
You said you had a fantastic surprise for me.
What is it?
Surprise.
I'm going to ask if I can dance with Stella jolla
in the "Turkey lurkey" number.
I've been practicing really hard.
That's the part Jill wants to play.
"Turkey lurkey" is the best number in the show.
I know.
I took dance classes all winter.
Good for you.
Um...
The only thing is, it's a '60s show.
That means tight little miniskirts.
I'm just trying to be a friend.
What are you saying,
that everyone would see my legs?
Not that they're so bad. They're just a little chunky.
But the halter tops.
I'd worry about my rolls
jiggling around in the spotlight.
Whereas the secretary character has some great one-liners
and wears sensible suits.
We just love it here.
We see a show every summer.
What did we see the kids do last year?
Wit.
Wit, right.
Dark, but really entertaining.
Sadness.
Vlad, your cat's dead. I'm sorry.
He was hit by a car this afternoon.
Vlad, your mom's dead. I'm sorry.
She got nailed by a car this afternoon.
Sorry.
I like to practice in the mirror.
Your parents coming to your show?
Jesus, you still haven't called 'em?
What are you going to do when you have to go home?
I'm not going home.
Where you going to live?
I'll find an apartment.
You'll end up on a milk carton.
They haven't called me, either.
How much you wanna bet they don't call me on my birthday?
Then you have to be bigger than them.
Mike,
how often are you going to get cast as Romeo?
I mean it. Call 'em.
Besides, who can resist you in them tights?
Are you blushing? You kidding?
I'm doing everything but bat my eyes.
Call 'em.
Hey!
Buddy Miller, sports counselor.
Remember me?
Think fast.
Ow!
"Dear Mr. Flores, the school has determined that
"due to your refusal to wear either a tuxedo
"or an ankle-length formal gown,
"you failed to meet the dress code,
"and therefore appropriate action was taken
in refusing you entrance to this year's junior prom."
You didn't get in because of your hemline?
Vlad!
I've been looking all over for you.
What are you drinking?
Chicken breast.
Don't you think that's a little extreme?
It's her parents' idea, the pricks.
Ow!
It's like some Nazi experiment.
They're just looking out for me.
You're only a few pounds heavier than Ellen.
Tell me something... Isn't it a pain in the ass
to put on all that makeup every day?
I don't mind the extra effort so people have something nice to look at.
I think she looks wonderful. We know!
Looking good to attract the opposite sex
has been a basic human impulse for almost a thousand years.
Has been a basic human impulse for almost a thousand years.
What about before that?
However old the world is.
You know, maybe if you'd soften up a little,
you'd land yourself a boyfriend
and lose that hostile edge that's so unattractive.
Drop dead. That's the one.
I'd be happy to help. You could be my project.
I'll put you on a diet. I'll style your hair.
Enough.
I heard about your little line-learning session.
You got Vlad to put his arm around you.
That must be like third base for someone
who's never been touched by a boy, isn't it?
Who's never been touched by a boy, isn't it?
Ellen, wait.
Where do you think you're going?
You know, I think I know your sister cinderella.
There you are.
You disappeared so fast. I looked everywhere for you.
Where's your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.
Why'd you come after me?
I don't know.
'Cause you were upset.
She's a bitch. So was I.
No.
I like you, Ellen.
I like you, too.
Okay.
Yeah.
What is it that we're listening to, anyway?
Nothing.
I can't deal with this anymore.
What? I like regular music, too.
I like joni Mitchell. I know every album by heart.
They have this great new thing called drums.
You're gonna love it.
What's so special about this?
Sometimes it's nice not to be special.
Sometimes it's nice to listen to what everyone else listens to
just to be normal for once.
Dance with me.
Jump off the roof.
Come on, dance with me.
Asshole!
Just kidding.
Fiddler on the roof?
This is the last straw. Look at us.
Do we look like any Jews you know?
You could be sephardic.
Look at those curly things on petie.
I don't think motel the tailor used a lot of hair relaxer.
It's color-blind casting. What do you want me to do?
Porgy and Bess? Bring in 'da noise?
Why do we have to play white characters
show after show, summer after summer?
I don't have enough black kids to do an all-black show.
I want my little brother learning
he can be himself and still get applause.
You know what I'm saying?
Now, what are you gonna do about it?
Skateboarding?
For someone with a name like Vladimir,
you sure are a clichéd American teenager.
If you don't like it, stop watching.
I'm not.
I'm reading.
Sorry. I'm only human.
Call your parents, Romeo.
Get 'em up here.
I envy you.
You've probably known what you wanted to do since you were born.
When I was eight years old,
I asked my father to send me to acting class.
And you know what he said?
"There are five billion people in this world.
"If only 1/10th of 1% of them want to be actors,
"that's still five million people.
"Do you really think you're prettier than five million people?
You're not even the prettiest one in your class."
I think you're very pretty.
God.
Why should that make me want to cry?
I would've asked you to your prom.
Mom.
Hi.
I'm sorry, did I wake you up?
It's nice to hear your voice, too.
I miss you too, mom.
Can you guys come see my show?
Great.
New cast lists are up.
I got joanne in company. You're in it, too.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
What is that?
Is that my underwear?
I was just washing them out.
We need to talk.
I think we need a little break from each other.
What?
It's something I've been meaning
to bring up for a while now.
This whole thing is beginning to get a little weird.
I don't understand.
I've done everything you've asked me to.
I know, and it's been a great help,
but the time has come for you to get
some sort of life.
I have a life. Get another one.
I don't know why you're saying this.
I can be better. You're not hearing me.
Test me. I'll do anything you say.
You're my best friend! Get away from me, you freak!
From now on,
let's just go about our business and pretend like we never met.
Okay?
I'm going out.
Why don't you be gone when I get back.
You ready for our big opening night?
You're very intense back there in the chorus.
Is everything okay?
I'm a little frustrated.
Frustration's a useless emotion.
If you see something you want, you just got to go for it.
Easy to say.
It's better to regret something you have done
it's better to regret something you have done
than something you haven't done.
Trust me, I'm the expert. Really?
I've been watching you,
and you are a scary little girl.
There's nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it.
Thank you, Mr. Hanley.
You've been very helpful.
Lunch is now being served.
Everybody should be at lunch.
I'd like to propose a toast.
I'm going to call it off. I think you'd better.
Wait.
What in the hell are you doing here?
I knew you'd be discussing stopping the show,
and I just thought how disappointed the kids would be.
You scheming little bitch!
Please! I'm a child.
If you think for one...
Save the speech, rummy.
She's fucked, I'm ready,
and the goddamn show must go on.
So let's get cracking, shall we?
Aah!
Two households, both alike in dignity
in fair verona, where we lay our scene.
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
Romeo, come forth.
Come forth, thou fearful man.
Affliction is enamored of thy parts
and thou art wedded to calamity.
Father, 'tis I, Romeo.
What news? What is the prince's doom?
What sorrow craves acquaintance...
Tell me, chino...
How many bullets are left in this gun?
Enough for you? And you? And you?
How many can I shoot
and still have one left for me?
Michael!
Michael, where are you?
Michael.
Dude, we looked all over for you.
I heard about what happened.
I called them afterwards...
To make sure they weren't dead somewhere
on the New York state thruway.
On the New York state thruway.
My father decided he couldn't put himself through seeing me.
What does that even mean?
It means they think I'm a freak,
like the kids at my school.
Let's face it, even here I'm in the upper third.
Why don't you live at home?
Prom night,
my father looked at me bleeding in a dress.
He told me I brought it upon myself.
He said that if I did that when he were in school,
he'd have been one of those boys kicking my ass, too.
That's crazy.
When it was happening,
I just projected myself out of it,
and in my head I went somewhere else.
Where?
Here.
Why would you wear a dress to your prom, dude?
You had to know
you were going to get creamed.
I don't get that.
Of course you don't get that.
That's because your life
is pretty damn close to perfect.
Mine is like, one from column "a," one from column "shit."
Perfect.
How about this?
3, 4, 6, 1, 3, 4, 6, 4, 10,
4, 14, 3, 17, 1, 18,
6, 24, 4, 28, 3, 31, 4.
What's that?
Have you ever heard of ocd?
I count letters involuntarily.
That was "one from column 'a, '
one from column 'shit.'"
I don't understand.
It's like,
if I don't take my pill,
then every time someone speaks,
or if I have an idea,
or if somebody talks...
Anything...
I break it down into words, then into letters,
and I add them up.
3, 1, 3, 4, 2. "And I add them up."
I take those numbers, and I add them up backwards.
3, 1, 3, 4, 2 was 6, 3, 9, 1, 10, 3, 13, 4.
The last word plus the word before that,
and on and on...
Till it ends in a prime number.
It's, like, constantly in my head.
I take it all back.
That's the sickest thing I ever heard.
I know.
It's weird 'cause it's, like, it's just there.
3, 4, 5, 9, 3, 12, 3. "It's just there."
Whoa!
It's crazy. Oh, my god.
That's why I act.
That's why I want to be an actor.
'Cause when I'm acting,
it's not there if it's really going good,
you know?
It's like the character doesn't have it...
So I don't have it.
A teenage Prozac junkie.
That's my perfect life.
I guess we're both freaks.
Well...
You can take a pill for yours.
I'm still some teenage drag queen
with bad skin
who can't put on a dress
without getting the crap beat out of him.
Let's get out of here, man.
Good morning, campers. Time to rise and shine.
Today's wake-up song
is a special birthday dedication
to Michael Flores.
Happy birthday, Michael.
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
Oh, my god, look at you!
The only thing I have to say is,
the hair on my legs better grow back,
or else somebody's getting sued.
Surprise!
Drag kings "r" us!
Make a wish.
Right at this moment, I have everything I want.
So...
I'll give this wish to you guys.
Ohh!
Who are you people?
What planet did you beam down from?
I'm serious.
If I can teach you one thing,
which is supposed to be my job here...
It'd be that you should all go home.
Michael Bennett's dead. Bob fosse is dead.
Times Square is a theme park now.
I hate to be the grinch,
but it's not normal what goes on up here.
Somebody has got to warn you.
Teenage fag hags become adult fag hags.
Straight boys are straight.
You can't turn 'em just because you need to be loved.
The foundation that's being laid here
is not going to help you in the real world.
It's going to lead to waitressing jobs
and bitterness
and the obsessive, pointless collecting
of out-of-print original cast albums.
Mr. Hanley?
Look, I don't know what your problem is, and I don't really care.
Maybe you're a son of a bitch
just 'cause you haven't written a show
in, like, a million years.
Or maybe you're just a stupid drunk,
but those kids, they look up to you.
And they don't deserve to be treated like that.
"They"?
Did you think I wasn't talking to you, too?
Or did I forget to mention that
you're a fraud who has to be everybody's golden boy,
or you'll just shrivel up?
I've taken shots at drunks before.
Don't think I have some honor code about it.
Bring it on.
Bring...
What is your problem?
I don't have a problem.
There's a theater in Brooklyn that's got a problem.
Seems they need a rehearsal pianist,
and they thought I might just be hard up enough to oblige.
So I sit in hot, stinking traffic for three hours
just to drive down there to find out it's not
the 200th revival of my one hit show they wanted.
The 200th revival of my one hit show they wanted.
You should never meet your heroes.
They always disappoint you.
Come on, kid. Come here. Help me out.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, Jesus!
God!
Ohh!
Get it away.
You don't even know what it is.
I don't care.
If it's been touched by him, it's diseased.
- Oh, my god. - Spit.
It's everything he's written since the children's crusade.
There's a ton more at his place.
It's like the holy grail of musical theater.
This one doesn't look so good.
Some are lousy, but most of 'em are great.
It's like they don't even seem like they're from shows.
They're just songs he wrote.
There's funk, gospel.
There's this awesome, rootsy Neil young song.
Come on. Neil young?
He doesn't know I took 'em. They're just copies.
What are you going to do with them?
What time's that benefit rehearsal start tomorrow?
12:00 to 3:00.
That's it?
Ever since Michael's drag party,
Glen's been on a crusade
to make us more like a normal camp,
so he's cutting back the benefit rehearsals to three hours a day.
That's enough time.
Time for what?
He'll be late. He's always late.
For...?
Come on.
I ever tell you we did the children's crusade?
Five summers ago. It was good.
The kids want to do a revue of my music for the benefit.
Yeah, I heard. What'd you tell them?
- I told them yeah. - Good. I'm glad.
But not on three hours' rehearsal a day.
You tell me, am I wrong?
Am I doing such a horrible thing?
I don't know.
I was like you, except I was feeling sorry for myself,
and I thought these kids needed a hard dose of reality,
so I gave it to them. Both barrels.
But I've been watching them, and I was wrong.
They're a bunch of little freaks.
The more normal we try to make them,
the more lonely and isolated they're gonna feel.
Summer is almost over, Glen.
Let's all go out like pros. What do you say?
Dee, entra.
Michael...
What are you doing here?
Look, I don't speak no Spanish,
so you better habla your ass some English.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Add that one.
Cut it out, dude.
I'm gonna cure you.
Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious.
Why are you in a good mood?
You want to know?
Yeah.
What is that?
No way.
- Who? - Dee.
Dee? You slept with a girl?
Yep.
You slept with a girl?
You're so full of shit. I don't believe you.
I mean, why would you?
Maybe I didn't want a whole lifetime
maybe I didn't want a whole lifetime
of feeling the way I have so far.
No. I'm asking Dee.
- Don't. - I'm calling your bluff.
Don't be a jerk. What're you gonna do?
Vlad!
Hey.
Hi. Ellen's not here.
I know. What are you doing?
A journal.
Hey!
Oh, my god!
Michael told me.
That punk!
I'm going to give him a bitch slap so hard.
This is the trippiest thing I ever...
All right.
Could he do it, even? Were his eyes open?
Nothing against you, it's just...
If you wanna know, he talked about you most of the time.
During?
Who knows? I finally tuned him out.
Come on. Seriously, tell me.
Why are you so interested, anyway?
What's going on with you two?
Nothing. Why?
What did he say?
I'm just saying you guys hang out an awful lot.
So what? I'm straight.
- Straight. - All right.
What, you don't believe me?
All I'm saying is that people talk.
Sorry. That was stupid.
It wasn't that stupid.
Do you know how long it's been
since a guy's liked me that wasn't gay?
I don't like you.
I mean, I like you,
but that's not why I did that.
I don't know why I did that.
It's all right.
Wait.
You just slept with Michael.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Then go back to your boyfriend.
Shut up.
Why don't you make me?
Wait.
Shit!
Ellen!
Come on, wait up!
Ellen!
Leave me alone.
- Wait up! - Don't follow me!
Oh, baby!
Doesn't she look pretty?
- I missed you so much! - You look so beautiful.
I don't understand. How can you spend all summer
with your jaw wired shut and still look like that?
Fred!
I'll tell you what,
we'll keep it on for fall term.
You won't be sneaking milkshakes with me around the house.
I have to get ready.
What?
Oh, my god, it's him.
Stephen Sondheim.
Stephen Sondheim!
They called places already.
You're not even dressed yet?
How paranoid can you be?
Oh, my god.
Was that your plan?
Did you put something in there?
I only wish I'd thought of it.
Ellen,
can you please pass the base?
Thank you.
This is ridiculous.
If you say one more syllable,
I will shove a powder puff so far down your windpipe...
Do not underestimate my ass, because I will knock you flat.
- Girls, why don't we... - Butt out.
And there's no such thing as bisexuality, you know.
Vlad!
Julie? What are you doing here?
I took the bus.
Hi.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm good. How about you? - Good.
- I give up. - You give up?
Hi.
Oh, yeah.
Julie, this is Ellen, Michael, and Dee.
Listen, is there somewhere private we can go?
Right now? I have a show.
- I'll see you after, okay? - Great.
- Bye. - Bye.
What?
I hardly know where to begin.
Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?
You didn't ask.
You never asked me if I had a boyfriend,
but if I did, I would've said something...
Except you assumed I wouldn't have a boyfriend.
Right.
No sense in asking a question like that to someone like me, right?
Stop it.
And I was supposed to assume
that you did have a girlfriend.
And of course that you screw around.
That's not true. I'm sorry about Dee.
It's just... I have no excuse.
It's all my fault.
Maybe you and I only went out
because I thought it would make you happy.
I'm sorry.
Right.
I knew that. I knew that all along.
I guess I just didn't care.
But tell me one thing.
What was going to happen to us when we got back home?
Places!
Aah!
Jesus Christ! Oh, god!
You sabotaged my makeup! You bitch!
I did not. Sit down.
Aah!
- I can't do it. - Come on, Jenna.
Fritzi's got multiple fractures,
and Jill's face looks like 40 miles of bad road.
You've got to do it.
I know you're scared.
It's not that.
My parents are here.
It's about time they met their daughter.
Good job, Bert. Really terrific.
Um...
Thank you. I had no idea you chaired this benefit.
I'm giving a party on the 18th.
I'll give you a call.
Great. Love to.
Who's that?
Go away.
What are you doing?
I'm going swimming.
Don't! I don't even want to talk to you!
I want to apologize.
You are either the biggest closet case I've ever seen,
you are either the biggest closet case I've ever seen,
or you're just plain evil.
Why? I thought now that you're straight...
don't get carried away.
I slept with her 'cause of you.
Me?
I figured you might feel less threatened
if you thought I was capable of sex with a woman.
I don't even know how to respond to that, dude.
With a straitjacket, perhaps?
Michael...
Things went so good with Dee.
Isn't it just possible that you're...
No.
The only thing that's possible now
is that I'll get beat up once too often
and decide to be with some woman because I know I can.
It's not exactly something I wish I knew.
You can't pin that on me.
We can't pin anything on you 'cause you're perfect.
I'm not perfect!
Except for that little obsessive-compulsive thing.
Even that makes you kind of sexily damaged.
I hate people like you. I really do.
Vlad?
Vlad!
Oh, my god.
Water's freezing.
Why are you doing this?
Doing what? Skinny-dipping.
Maybe I do flirt, but if I do,
it's only because I want to be liked.
And... Maybe I'm a little confused.
Y-you're not confused.
You like girls.
Okay.
You're right. I do.
I was just trying to give you what you want.
I'm an asshole.
Man, I don't know. I just love attention.
I'm an attention junkie, I guess.
Why do I do shit like that?
Michael...
Do you forgive me?
Do you?
Huh?
Come on!
Michael.
Mikey.
Michael.
Ha ha ha!
Do you? Do you forgive me?
Ha ha ha!
Huh? Do you?
If I forgive you, will you get off of me?
- Yeah. - Then no.
- Oh, god. - Ha ha ha!
Michael, who are you with?
Oh.
Don't hate me. I made up with him.
Where's Julie?
She broke up with me.
What?
She came here
'cause she wanted to tell me in person.
Well, well, well.
How's that for a little opening night present?
How does it feel to be on the other end, lover boy?
Well, actually...
Never mind.
What?
Well, now that camp's almost over,
and we live kind of close to each other,
I was hoping that we can go out sometime.
I know you're not asking girlfriend
out for a date after all this.
If she'll forgive me.
This boy not only has cojones,
but he's got burritos and huevos rancheros, too.
- Okay. - What?
Really?
I'll go out with you.
You're like some Jenny Jones guest!
Eventually I have to start hanging out with boys
who don't wear dresses.
I thought we came here to go swimming.
You coming in?
It's pretty cold.
I'll take my chances.
Okay.
It's not that cold.
don't be a girl. Leave that to Michael.
You two are like a bad car wreck.
I wash my hands of the both of you!
Quit splashing!
Action.
What a dump.
Hey, where's that from? "What a dump."
How would I know, Martha?
So you went to this camp. What was that like?
I was consistently miscast...
Titus andronicus, Stanley Kowalski.
Then there was the year they couldn't find a girl to cast as Annie,
so I played "Andy."