[Boh Doran] ♪ Attracted to the spark before the flame ♪
♪ Is it any wonder ♪
♪ That it all turns out the same? ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I've fallen for it all
♪ Before you came ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Just started, I'm done ♪
♪ You're here, but I'm gone ♪
♪ There's no other way ♪
♪ Even when the rush is gone ♪
♪ Even when the stardust turns to dawn ♪
♪ Will you still be holding on ♪
♪ With white knuckles, white knuckles? ♪
Crazy night, huh?
Yup.
Are you mad at me?
No.
You ready for this?
Yeah. Let's do it.
I just want to go home.
That was it?
They make it look so much better in the movies.
They make losing your virginity look better
in the movies, too.
Movies are full of sh--
[man] Good morning, Lake Arrowhead.
Today's forecast calls for highs in the upper 80s
and lows in the mid-70s.
A great day to get out
and enjoy some sunshine.
- I love you. - I love you more.
I love our love.
Oh, my God! I hate this field trip already.
Why aren't you a hot chick, too, bro?
Ouch!
Shut up, Chad.
And can you please stop making out with my sister
in front of me?
I'm sorry that this bothers you
and that she happens to be your sister.
[woman] Eww, eww, eww, eww.
It's 7 a.m. What's wrong with you?
This entire school is riddled with STDs.
OK. Listen up, everybody.
Today is an important day for me.
We are going on a field trip to see
one of my favorite artists' work--Pablo Picasso.
He is just simply one of the best,
second only in my opinion to Anne Geddes.
Love her photographs of little babies
in pumpkin patches.
So I don't want anyone breaking any of my rules,
and if one person breaks a rule,
then every single one of you
will fail.
Let's have an awesome day.
We're missing two people. Where are they?
OK. You got everything you need?
Yes, sir. Packed a lunch, got my notebook,
bottle of water, two trail mix bars,
phone charged, ready to go.
Heh heh. You are your father's daughter.
OK. Serious. Please, please, please be careful down there.
I know what happens at these spring break trips, OK?
Dad, I already told you. This isn't a spring break trip.
It's a field trip for Miss Goldstein's
art history class.
You get extra credit if you go.
You are a straight-A student, Abby.
OK. How about you, me, your brothers,
we do a little deer hunting this weekend, huh?
We play a little poker?
Sounds fun, but I don't know.
I actually like going to see museums.
Plus, I don't need extra credit, but Kate needs it to
graduate in time.
You're a good friend.
OK. Please, please behave, OK?
And let's face it.
There's something about you and Kate, OK?
Kate can get you in trouble.
[woman] Why would you trust technology
over someone who knows what they're doing?
[man] This thing's connected to a billion-dollar satellite
that updates it every single second.
- It knows what it's doing. - I don't think so.
I'm sorry, Kate.
[dad] Yeah, I'm sorry we've ruined your life.
[mom] Ohh!
Oh, look. We're here.
Oh. Finally.
Thanks for the ride, guys.
- Have a great field trip. - Ah-ah.
Y-you know what?
Um, there is actually something that
your father and I wanted to talk to you about.
Can it wait until tonight?
[dad] Sure.
Uh, no. We should do it now.
[dad] Is this about the divorce?
[mom] Uh, no, it's--
[dad] Oh, the other--yeah.
All right. This is--this will only take a second.
[Abby] Morning, guys!
Who's excited to see some art museums?
I'm excited to go back to sleep
once that bus gets here.
Museums are just man's pathetic attempt to
document our meaningless existence on this planet.
Dude, come on!
Can you please not start with this nonsense?
It's 7 a.m. Jesus!
Our love isn't meaningless, baby.
No, it's not.
[Goldstein] Actually, it is meaningless.
Your love is meaningless.
Sweetheart, we know we said we would pay for it
if you got into NYU, even if you didn't
get the track scholarship you didn't get,
but turns out we didn't mean it.
Is that bad?
We don't have the--we can't afford it.
We don't have the--
we're not liquid.
W-wait. What do you mean?
Your father blew all of our money on another one
of his stupid business ideas.
Uh, a dating web site for pets is a great idea.
Liz, you even said, "That's a great idea."
No. Pets don't know how to use a keyboard.
That is the dumbest idea I--
Do you realize this is exactly what happened
last time with the car?
Bees were supposed to go extinct.
That was gonna be a cash cow.
Read the Internet.
Look. You don't even know what you want to do.
Why don't you just take a year or two off, travel,
you know, go abroad? That's what I did after high school.
Loved it. Totally found myself.
-That costs money, too. -Oh, not that much.
I always found a place to crash for a night or two.
[Kate] Got it. Thanks, guys.
Hmm. Heh.
She'll be OK, right?
Probably not.
Hey. Thank God.
I was gonna kill you if you didn't show up.
Let's get today over with. I hate it already.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you guys have difficult lives?
Try living on a teacher's salary, OK?
It feels like my jeans are made out of Tupperware.
[horn honks]
[man] ♪ Whoo ♪
[horn honking]
♪ Ohh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ohh ♪
Morning, people!
Bear, you're late.
It's Saturday. I overslept.
Unrelated statements.
How are you this bitchy on a...
♪ Saturday morning? ♪
Everybody on the bus.
- What's up, Bear? - What's up, my man?
Go on, brother.
[Bear] Voldemort's in the house.
- Hi. - Morning.
- My brother! - Yeah!
- Morning, Bear. - Boo.
- Hi. - Good to see you.
[Bear] I got one free ticket to hugtown.
- Do you want it? - Rain check.
Come on. We gonna stop to get something to eat?
My stomach's grumbling.
[Born Cages' Rolling Down the Hill playing]
♪ I want to just drive, drive, drive ♪
♪ Far away from our normal lives ♪
♪ I wasn't born to die living inside a lie ♪
♪ So come on, everyone ♪
♪ Don't let your heart compromise ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
I've never seen food these colors before.
Ugh. Looks like somebody already ate that once.
Oh, my God! It smells like it, too.
Do you want a trail mix bar?
- I have two. - Yeah, I guess.
Oh, ho!
This is awesome.
Well, we had a little time before we got back
on the road, and kids did great today,
so thought it would be a special treat at The Flavor Circus.
Oh, is that beef? Dude, protein!
Yeah! About to put this place out of business!
Ha ha! Thanks, Mrs. G.
You're quite welcome.
Really, the pleasure's mine today, kids.
I feel like Mrs. Claus. Heh heh.
And it's Christmas morning for all of you guys.
- Ohh! Baby! - What?
We should make each other's plates.
Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of that?
You know what? You always have the best ideas.
Such a good idea.
- Here I come, here I come. - Oh, stop it!
[boy] The buffet's symbol of Western overindulgence.
This is why the rest of the world hates us.
Trevor, just put something on your plate, please.
My name is Beowulf!
Err!
Is that clams casino?
[boy] Babe, this is the best dinner
that I have ever had. You're a genius.
- Baby, you're a genius. - Stop it.
I feel like my taste buds are falling in love with you.
Oh, stop it.
[Goldstein] So did everyone enjoy
the Picasso exhibit as much as I did?
[Chad] Not really. That guy sucked.
None of his stuff looked like what it was supposed to.
It's called cubism!
Should be called dumbism.
Ha ha ha! Boom!
He combined styles to paint things as he saw them,
not as they were seen by others.
He broke all the rules to prove a point.
That is essentially what art is.
Thank you, Abby.
That's exactly right, and some of his paintings
are the most expensive in the world today
and sell for upwards of $150 million.
Go to your room!
For a painting?
I got to start painting again.
Yeah, seriously. We got to get out of here,
go steal one of those paintings,
sell it on the black market.
Who's in?
[Goldstein] Very funny, Wanda Sykes.
Now, everybody, eat up, and let's get back
on that bus.
I'm getting one more bowl of marshmallows,
pinto beans, and craisins,
and then we are out of here.
[Huey Piano Smith & the Clowns] ♪ Don't you just know it? ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪
[stomachs rumbling]
♪ Hey, hey, oh ♪
Hey. Hey, Mrs. G, I'm not--
I'm not feeling too good. I need to go to the bathroom.
Should have gone in the restaurant.
- I don't feel good either. - Me, too.
I don't know. How are you feeling?
I'm fine. Are you OK?
I think it was that food we ate.
It's making me feel sick.
Sitting like a pine cone in my colon.
[Goldstein] It's not the food, OK?
I ate the food, too, and I--
♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪
[gasping]
♪ Ha ha ha ha, Hey, hey, oh ♪
♪ Hey, hey, oh ♪
Ohh!
♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪
[Beowulf] No. I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Raaahhhh!
Call the police, someone!
Babe, I'm sorry.
I told you, Mrs. G.
Our bodies are rejecting us!
Help!
♪ Don't you just know it? ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪
Everybody OK?
No! I can still smell it.
[girl] What is happening to us? Oh!
Kate and Abby, are you guys OK?
- Fine. - No. I'm scarred for life.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
OK. Guys, don't panic.
Everybody's gonna be fine.
You're not dying.
We're a little car sick from all the bumpity bumps
of the bus.
We're gonna get some fresh air, enjoy the parking lot,
and then get right back on that bus.
Listen. It's not gonna happen.
I can't drive like this.
We got to spend the night here.
Bear, give me your keys. I'm gonna drive the bus.
- No. I'm gonna lose my job. - Bear, I'm gonna drive the bus.
You don't know how to driv-- this is a large machine.
- I'm gonna drive the bus! - You're not licensed.
You could kill us all
if you already haven't.
Ugh.
Miss Goldstein, I need a bathroom.
- Ohh, God. - Ohh.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it. Stay.
Stay, stay, stay, stay.
Guys, quick change of plans.
We are gonna stay the night.
Kate and Abby, go inside, see if they have some
rooms to help us.
Hurry up, hurry up!
Move your asses!
[man on TV] Serious complication.
Hi.
Your eye's just a little puffed out, OK?
You're gonna be all right. I'm gonna take care of you.
Page ophthalmology stat, please.
[woman on TV] Yes, doctor.
Uh, do you have any rooms available for tonight?
Hmm. Ahh. Let's see.
Dude, check out the name on the envelope.
[Kate] So?
Don't you remember from biology class last year,
-the butterflies? -No.
They both look the same, but only one is dangerous,
so since the predators can't tell which one is which,
they just leave both alone. It's like a defense mechanism.
Well, uh, doubt these are their real names.
A lot of, uh, working girls use this motel to turn tricks.
Trust me, they're not butterflies.
Uh, they're hookers.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
And it looks like we have four rooms available.
Great. We'll go tell our teacher.
Aw, yay!
[Russian accent] Do you like wholesome family fun?
Then come on down to Skateland.
We've got drinks, we've got food,
we've got skates in all sizes.
It's party time at Skateland,
so come on inside.
Skateland!
[hip-hop playing]
[music stops]
[man] No, not in the face!
I have a bar mitzvah tonight.
Ari, I promise I'll pay you back.
I'm taking a magic class.
I can charge $50 more with magic in my act!
Aah!
[Ari] OK, enough.
Give me one reason I shouldn't kill you
right now.
One.
Um, let's see.
Ooh.
That's a tough one. I--
Uh...
[man] Yo, Ari!
[Ari] Cut him loose.
You better have my money next time, OK?
- Yeah. - Because if you don't,
your magic won't save you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Ari!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I would have killed him.
You know, clowns are like boomerangs--
they always come back.
[man] Yeah, man. Clowns creep me out, Mr. "Airy."
It's "Ar-ee."
My name is Ari.
Where did you get this guy?
We did time together.
Oh, you cast wide net, huh?
Go, go!
Wheels, thanks for coming.
I wasn't sure that you would show.
Eh, it's been a long time.
Close the place down?
Yes. This thing bled me dry.
I just wish I hadn't paid for three years'
commercials up front.
Not fiscally responsible.
Sorry, man.
I tried everything, Wheels.
I even put in fog machine for party times!
Party times?
Yeah, but I'm cutting my losses, moving on.
I've got big score I find that's happening tonight,
and I need driver I can trust.
Ehh.
That's what you called me here for?
Yes. What you think, I want to catch up?
I'm not a driver anymore, remember?
Besides, I don't want to watch my daughter grow up
from a jail cell.
I don't care about your stupid baby.
I'm not your errand boy anymore, Ari.
Good luck with your rink.
I imagine not a lot of legit work for ex-con.
Hundred large would go long way for little Sofia.
[Goldstein] OK. I have the keys for our rooms.
Stay back!
Stay back, you animals, stay back!
Everybody's gonna shit.
Just wait. Nobody's leaving their room tonight,
and there are no exceptions. I don't care if there's a fire,
I don't care if there's an earthquake,
I don't care if aliens come down to invade us,
I don't care if there's a ghost in the hallway screaming,
"Help me, help me,"
and then he gets in and he kills you
and you become a ghost.
You as a ghost will not be leaving the rooms.
Jessie, you're with your brother.
-We're switching rooms. -Chad, you're with Jesse.
You two are together, and, Bear, you're with me.
Hey. We'll get through this together.
No.
Ahh. You ever here of, uh, Van Gogh?
Yeah, of course. The, uh, Dutch post impressionist.
I have line on one of his missing paintings.
I think it's called Boy, uh, Pissing on Sunflowers
or something.
Pretty sure that's not it.
I don't know. I'm not homosexual.
Anyway, I know where it is, and I have buyer
willing to pay two million for it cash tonight.
It's just sitting in some old safe
in some real estate company's liquidation facility,
which is why I'm going to swap it out
with replica tonight.
OK. Are you sure these two are the stealthy team
-you want on this job? -You nuts?
I hire couple of pros on this, the same ones who do
the museum heist in Amsterdam broad daylight,
dressed as tourists, you know?
Oh, I think I read about them.
Anyway, Ari reaches out, they say yes.
All you got to do is pick them up, make a few stops,
wait for them while they do the job,
and make sure you get back here before my buyer gets here.
You get hundred large, I get to start new life
in Brazil!
Why Brazil?
Very loose banking regulations
and fastest growing recreational activity--
roller skating.
I'm going to take the money and build new rink,
my dream rink, perfect.
Not oval, circle.
So you in?
- I'm in. - Yes!
Thank you, Wheels.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Where are they staying?
Down the road at the Crest Motel.
They are under names,
uh, Monarch and "Wis-a-roy," I think.
- Viceroy. - Wheels, go!
They're expecting you. Go!
All right, but this is my last job.
After this, lose my number and my e-mail.
Don't try to Tweet me.
I'm unfriending you on Facebook,
and definitely don't try to follow me on Instagram.
Snapchat?
OK. Just go. Keep mouth shut and drive.
Hey, bozos.
What's up, boss?
Make sure everything goes exactly as planned, OK?
Yeah.
Anything goes wrong, kill them,
and before you leave, polish these.
Polish, not Polish.
Polish these.
This isn't so bad.
At least we're not sick.
Heh. Funny.
You want to use the bathroom?
I'm done.
Nope. I'm good.
You're not gonna get ready for bed?
What do you mean? What do I have to do to get ready for bed?
I'm in bed.
OK. What's up with you?
I don't think I'm gonna go to college.
Are you serious? Why not?
I mean, I've been thinking about it,
and I don't even know what I want to do
with my life yet, so why not just take a few years off
and travel abroad or something?
Kate, everybody knows that take a couple years off to
travel abroad really just means going and get drunk
and hook up with a bunch of foreign dudes.
You're better than that, and college is all about
where you figure out what you want to do with your life.
You're just so lucky you already know what you want to do.
You're gonna be, like, the first female president
one day or something.
Hopefully not. There are currently a lot
of qualified women serving in Congress.
I'm hungry.
Me, too. Want to order a pizza?
No. I want to get out of here,
and I want to go somewhere nice, and...
it's gonna be on my parents.
- Really? - Why not?
I mean--OK, technically, it is for emergencies,
but seriously, if this isn't an emergency, what is?
How are we gonna get there?
I'll just order us a ride.
I'll even say our names are Viceroy and Monarch
like the butterflies, not the hookers.
Hold on. What if we get caught?
We're not gonna get caught. I'm not gonna tell anyone,
and you're not gonna tell anyone.
My clothes are covered in vomit.
I guess that means we should go
to a thrift store.
OK. That is actually such a good idea.
We haven't done that in so long.
See? We'll just go really quick, we'll have a nice dinner
and some new fresh clothes, come back,
and no one will even know we were gone.
Well, I did find one that's still open.
And there's already a ride on its way.
We have to be so careful leaving, though.
If Miss Goldstein sees us, we're screwed.
Oh, my God. I do not think we have anything to worry
about with her or anyone else here tonight.
Oh, God!
Get out, get out, get back!
Babe, if you love me, get out of the bathroom!
Chad, I'm gonna explode!
- Get ouuuuttt! - No, no!
[Goldstein] Oh, God! It hurts!
Do you hear that?
[Bear groaning]
What are they doing in there?
Let's go over the plan again.
- I downloaded the building-- - Don't worry.
We got this.
Ari's gonna lead us right to The Collector.
Now let's just hope that guy Ari's sending as
a driver is a pro.
Well, if he isn't, we shoot him.
In the leg.
You didn't let me finish.
All right. It's time. Ready?
Yep.
Wait. Hold on.
I got to pee.
Hi. Are you our driver?
I don't know. Depends.
We're Viceroy and Monarch.
Can we just get out of here?
We don't want anyone to see us leaving.
[Alexis Wilkins] ♪ Thieves ♪
♪ Thieves ♪
Whoa, what? OK.
Be cool. All right.
Just a couple hotties.
Just be yourself. Be cool, Brian, be cool.
Hi. Are you Monarch and Viceroy?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Are you Monarch-- - No names.
That's rule number one, OK?
OK. There's rules.
I love that. That's awesome.
What is, uh--what's rule number two?
Don't ask questions.
As you can imagine, discretion's a big part
of what we do.
Oh, yeah. I get that.
Yes, I totally get--I get that.
I get what she said.
I like it. I'm into it.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah. I love to be discreet.
I get that a lot.
My friends are all just like--I'm crazy discreet.
Is there a rule number three?
Yeah. Drive.
I cannot believe I actually just got you out right now.
Calm down. I can make him turn around still.
No, you can't. We're not going to,
and plus, this car is actually pretty sick.
Yo, sick car, dude.
All right. So, uh, where we going?
Oh. Um, could you take us here, please?
Yeah. What's there?
Let's just say we have to settle an old score.
[Brian] So I got water, I got mints,
I got breath strips, I got a really sick Spotify
if you guys like music.
Anything you guys want, just let me know.
I'm here to please you-- or please, you know?
Thanks. No water. Just drive and don't talk.
OK. Cool, cool, cool.
So where you guys from?
In town on, uh, business or pleasure?
Or I guess pleasure is your business, right?
Ha ha ha!
What?
Nothing. Nothing. I'm--I'm sorry.
I should--I--what am I--listen to me.
I'm asking--I ask a lot of questions sometimes
when I get nervous, you know?
Not that I'm nervous. I'm calm, you know, I'm cool.
My friends are always like, "Oh, Brian, he's so cool.
You got to meet Brian."
So, like, don't even sweat it, you know?
It's just I'm saying-- I'm saying I'm open-minded.
So anything you guys want, just let me know.
Look. Just do your job.
No one will get hurt.
OK. Got it.
I'm gonna text Ari and let him know we're in play.
Yeah, and tell him the driver's annoying.
Driver. Are you guys talking golf?
[cell phone chiming]
Heh.
Yes. Here we go.
That's the spot.
I'll be right here when you get out
unless you want me to wait in the back alley.
No. It's OK. This is fine.
[Kate] You sure want to do this?
Once we go in there, there's no turning back.
- I'm sure. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?
I mean...
[both] Yeah!
[Abby] Now remember the rules.
I'll whatever outfit you pick just as long as
it's not too slutty or dirty.
You can't tell everyone it's a joke like
you did last time.
That's cheating.
OK. It's not cheating if it's the cops.
First one to break loses.
- Deal? - Deal.
♪ Da da da da da ♪
♪ Da da da ♪
♪ Da da da da da ♪
♪ Da da da ♪
♪ Da da da da da ♪
♪ Da da da ♪
♪ Da da da da da ♪
♪ Da da da ♪
What the hell are they doing here?
It's so obvious.
They're buying disguises.
Check this out.
Says right here they were dressed up last time.
Right, man, but the point is we could have done
this job ourselves.
Uh-huh. Look.
They were orphans trained by the Yakuza.
Sounds about right.
Yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
Everything on the Internet is true.
Is this it? I think that this is it.
This is fine. Just wait for us here, all right?
OK. Well, I mean, this doesn't look like a safe neighborhood.
Are you sure you girls are gonna be OK?
What did we say about asking questions?
Oh. Uh, what-- I don't remember.
- What was it? - It's safe, I promise.
Just stay in the car, don't talk to anybody.
We'll be back in a few minutes.
[Brian] Uh, sorry. Can I use my phone?
- Sure. - No.
[Brian] I just want to talk to some buddies.
Tomorrow, me and a bunch of my friends,
we're going skydiving, which I'm pretty jazzed about
because I love, like, extreme stuff.
I'm, like, live on the edge.
I'm just like an extremist--sportswise,
not politically.
I--all right, girls.
All right. Let me do the talking.
OK.
Da?
We're here to see The Painter.
Nyet.
Good job.
- Oh, come on. - Too slow.
What in the good Lord's name?
[Kate] You have never looked better.
I would totally hire you to be my personal trainer.
Mmm. I think I'm more of a life coach,
but thank you.
I would totally marry you.
Let's see how dinner goes first, honey.
Hey. Sorry it took so long.
No worries. Get what you need?
Yeah. We think so.
What do you think?
I don't know.
Come on. You can tell us.
We look awesome.
Where to next?
- I had it. - Yeah, I'm sure you did.
You can't just break someone's nose
every time something doesn't go your way.
Somebody could have seen that and called the cops.
I told you, I'm more than happy
to teach you some moves.
It's not that hard.
I know how to fight. I prefer not to.
Boring.
Master, somebody's here to see you.
Is he dead?
[man] No. The-- The Painter is resting.
The Painter smells like he's dead.
"Kreh-tos"?
"Krah-tos," sir. We've talked about it.
- Kreh-tos-- - Krah-tos.
- Kreh-tos. - Krah-tos.
Kray-ah-tos. Say it. You say it.
-Krah-tos. -Kray-ah-tos.
We said the exact-- it sounds exactly the same.
No. Ah.
It doesn't matter, and didn't I tell you
not to wake me when I'm clearly working?
[Kratos] Sorry, sir. They, uh--they insisted.
Man.
You hit Kratos.
Who does that? He's a big teddy bear.
- Sir. - Ari sent us.
[The Painter] Oh.
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
Well, well, well, well, well, well.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Well, well, well, well.
Well, if it isn't Viceroy and the other one.
It's a delight.
Hi.
Yes. May I help you?
[Abby] Table for two, please.
Do you have a reservation?
Right. I see.
Well, I wish we had a table for you, but...
I do not.
[Kate] "I do not"?
Did you just say, "I do not"?
Oh, my--oh, my God.
That's exactly what Jason said at my wedding!
"I do not, I do not"!
Aah!
My meatballs.
My dress!
[whimpers]
You know what? They can have our table.
We'll come back another night.
[The Painter grunts]
Oh, yeah.
[urinating]
I tell you, I'm a big fan.
[pbbttt]
Whoa.
What you guys did in Amsterdam was just next level.
Thank you. It was all my idea.
Oh, yeah? I don't care.
[Monarch] So what is this place?
I mean, the money you charge, and this is how you live?
No toilets, no windows.
I got a window.
Yeah, that's a painting.
Heh. I think I would know the difference between
a painting and a window.
Anyway, this is not where I live.
This is my office.
You know, I have to live like an artist,
I have to breathe like an artist,
I have to eat like an artist,
I have to smell like an artist,
dance like an artist,
talk like an artist,
do this gesture like an artist.
I can't do that at my house.
You know what I mean?
- I'm a method painter. - A what?
A method painter, you know, like a method actor,
except I paint.
It's pretty--I would get that the first time
someone said it.
Jesus. Did you cut your ear off?
"Got to feel pain in order to work with colors."
Maya Angelou.
Yeah. I think you should probably see
a doctor about that.
You're kind of pretty.
I'd like to draw you, give you a nice pencil twirl.
You interested in a nude drawing?
You don't have to get naked.
I'll just get naked and draw you.
Yeah. No.
Do you have what we came for?
- Huh? - Do you have what we came for?
What?
Of course. You think I don't have my shit together?
You know, when Ari first told me that he found it,
I was like, "Yeah, right."
But when he hired you, he certainly hit
a ground-rule double.
♪ Oh, oh ♪
Can you see it?
Can you see the painting?
And the wood and metal's aged?
It will pass carbon testing?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, all that stuff you said.
You know, I was rock hard for all 12 hours it took
to paint this.
Yeah. We got to go.
Appreciate it.
I'd get that ear looked at as soon as possible.
Oh, and I'm sorry about that.
This isn't over.
Yeah, I think it is.
Get some ice on it.
Thanks, bro.
You're a good person.
Take a picture of me.
I have a strong feeling this is exactly what I'm
gonna look like on my actual wedding day.
Pfft. As if you're gonna get married.
Are you serious?
Now I'm not even smiling in the picture.
- OK. - All right. Got it.
Just send it to me.
I still haven't gotten it yet.
It still isn't in my phone yet.
- Calm down. - Have you sent it yet?
Do you realize there was a period of time where
people didn't even have cell phones at all?
I wasn't alive then.
Neither was I.
So how do you know?
[man] Bonsoir!
Good evening.
My name is Theodore, and I'll be your server
for this evening.
Before we begin, I am going to have to remind
you to remove your headwear.
We do have a dress code policy at this restaurant.
This doesn't mean I lose.
It kind of does.
Thank you for your compliance.
We may now begin a culinary adventure,
but first, I'll leave you with these, your guides
for this evening,
for you to peruse at your leisure.
And I will very quickly tell you
about tonight's specials.
Tonight, we feature an Alaskan salmon slowly
marinated in a balsam-sick vinaigrette reduction
and then flash cooked.
It's very dangerous but very delicious.
Mmm.
[inhales]
Damn.
I'll be right back, but please remember
our policy here.
No GMOs, yes OMGs.
Was that guy even real?
Oh, there--there are my girls.
I was just worried sick. I mean, not worried. I was--
What were you thinking? It was not safe back there.
Relax. Everyone got what they wanted.
Relax? It was bad enough you had to do the bouncer.
Who knows how many more guys he could have had back there?
What would you have done then, do them all?
Yeah. If I had to, yeah, I'll do them all.
I can handle three, I can handle four, no problem.
Good for you.
Huh.
Kate, are you sure it's OK?
This restaurant's really expensive.
I mean, I know you're mad at your folks,
but their appetizers cost more than my house.
I seriously don't care.
Let's just have fun.
OK. I'm down.
I hope everyone's OK back at the motel.
I'm sure they're fine.
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me."
[pbbttt]
No more.
Oh.
OK. Yeah.
[pbbttt]
Her name is Carly,
not iCarly, but for years--heh--
I got so confused by that.
What are you saying?
Hee hee hee!
[Goldstein] iCarly? No. YouCarly.
[both laughing]
Can I get you started with anything to drink?
Let's do champagne. It's been a rough week.
Champagne. Yes. Of course.
I'll just need to see some photo I.D.
We'll just have two waters, please.
Actually, make that three.
I got to get this stain off me stat.
Excellent choice.
[Wheels] I miss you, too. I miss you, too, baby.
Heh. Hey, hey. Send me a pic.
Yeah, yeah.
[ding]
Tsk. Girl, I meant of the baby.
Ha ha ha!
I'm messing with you, I'm messing with you.
Oh. Hold on. I got another call.
I got to take this.
Hold on. Do not hang up, baby.
Do not hang up, all right?
- Yeah. - Hey. It's me.
Hey. What up, Ari?
[Ari] Oh, nothing much, buddy.
I'm just checking to see how your night is going.
Must be pretty weird to be back.
This is just one job, all right?
But thanks for asking, though, Ari, you know,
because at first I thought it would be kind of weird.
Wheels, get real!
I don't care about your night, OK?
I need updates, I need updates!
All right. Well, nothing's really happened yet, man.
I mean, it's kind of weird stuff actually.
They got some disguises, and now they got me
waiting outside of some restaurant.
OK, OK. They're weird. It's OK.
What are they like? Are they hot?
Hey. Tell them to come over here afterwards.
I got hot tub fixed.
Dude, what's wrong with you?
What? You can come, too. There's two of them.
I'm out, man.
Baby? Booga-booga!
Wheels, I'm not wife.
Thanks, Ari.
OK. Here we are.
OK, weirdo. You know the drill.
[Brian] Again? My God, you girls must be exhausted.
OK, but real talk for a second.
I need to get a burrito or something
because my blood sugar is crashing.
I'm hyperglycemic, so if I--
- Bye, Brian. - It's a condition.
OK. Yeah, no. I'll just stay here while my body
eats itself and I slowly die.
Don't worry about old Brian.
I'm stuffed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna be hungry again.
Me, too.
Guten abend, Frauleins.
Have you enjoyed everything?
Mm-hmm.
Will there be anything else?
Perhaps a cup of our house coffee.
Each bean is hand-picked--
- Aw, thanks, Teddy, but, uh-- - Theodore.
Just gonna take the bill.
Thank you.
This was so much fun.
I seriously don't want it to end.
I know. Me either.
What else can we do?
I will literally do whatever you want.
Anything?
As long as this night doesn't end, let's do anything.
I mean, it would be a shame to waste these outfits.
We do look amazing.
Yeah, we do.
That was so fun. Great idea.
I know. I just wish I got this stain off of me.
Dude, you can hardly see it. Don't worry about it.
Baby, I say we home school our kid.
Look. I'm down for home college, you know what I mean?
Oh, I got to go. Hey. What happened to you?
You all right? What happened in there?
Oh, you said you could barely see it.
You can't, you can't.
I hate to see what happened to the other guy.
So can we make a few more stops?
Do we have time?
We do if you drive fast enough.
You didn't say nothing but the word.
[Born Cages' Dirty Money playing]
♪ I used to live the dream ♪
♪ Dirty money would flock to me ♪
♪ But now I'm left to wash society ♪
♪ And the limousines that used to drive me around ♪
♪ I used to fight the night ♪
♪ The dice was loaded for me ♪
♪ A Jesus Christ ♪
I thought that was just a urban myth.
♪ But now it's dark ♪
♪ And I can barely see the ground ♪
♪ If I could turn back time ♪
♪ I would make my honor mine ♪
[revs engine]
♪ Wouldn't sell it for a car ♪
♪ A girl, two girls or even nine ♪
[engine revving]
- You got to race them. - You got to race them.
- Oh, jeez! - Oh, my God.
- Go on, go on! - Go, go, go, go!
Just pop right through.
Ohh!
♪ I used to feel ♪
♪ And I used to dream ♪
♪ Of what I could be ♪
♪ It gave me fuel to want to work on me ♪
♪ But I got dragged into the material world ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ So now I'm cynical ♪
♪ I can't feel anything at all ♪
♪ I'm just another king without a crown ♪
Heh heh. That's good. That's funny.
♪ If I could turn back time ♪
♪ I would make my honor mine ♪
♪ Wouldn't sell it for a car ♪
♪ A girl, two girls, or even nine ♪
[Monarch] All right. So how long you think
it's gonna take?
How many times have seen me do this?
♪ And take the throne in the coliseum ♪
Got it.
- OK. - 1, 2, 3.
Hold, hold--just-- all right, OK.
I--1, 2, 3.
No. You--I pull, you push.
No. Push.
- I pull-- - 1, 2--
- I pull, you push.
- OK. - 1, 2, 3.
Ooh.
♪ I would make my honor mine ♪
♪ Wouldn't sell it for a car ♪
♪ A girl, two girls, or even nine ♪
What?
No likes?
What?
I mean, I'm not gonna like it.
Just get the ball rolling.
One like.
Now we wait. Heh heh.
[Kate] This is awesome.
I don't know about this.
Are you sure?
Are you serious?
We have to remember this night forever.
We could just take a bunch of pictures or something.
No. Those will disappear in the iCloud.
This needs to be permanent like our friendship.
All right. Fine, but my dad's gonna kill me
if he finds out.
I wasn't asleep.
I wasn't asleep, was not asleep.
I was dealing with some important inventory.
What's--whoa!
What is happening?
Oh, wait. I--OK. I'm sorry.
OK. Oh, you guys are on drugs.
No. We're not on drugs.
Me neither up until a few weeks ago when I found out
I was eight months' pregnant, but, um--pbbblll--
it's like you live and you learn, you know,
on that one.
We just want to get tattoos.
She does. I'm still not sure.
You know I want to get a real job someday,
and statistically speaking, people
with tattoos really limit their options.
Thanks.
Sorry. I didn't mean that.
[tattoo artist] All right. Look. Here's my book.
Look through it, see if anything kind of jumps out at you,
but I don't do tramp stamps or Chinese symbols
unless you happen to be Chinese.
These are really great.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. Look at this one.
It looks just like a penis or something.
Ha ha.
It's a rocket ship.
[Wheels] Oh, yeah. I see a rocket
with balls on it.
I love space exploration.
She does. OK.
Why don't we just do butterflies?
[Abby] That's not too bad.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
All right. Tat us up.
OK. Two butterflies.
I will try not to make them look like penises
with wings.
Excuse me.
All right. I texted Ari, let him know we made the switch.
OK.
Look at this guy.
Huh? What? Yo.
[Viceroy] Hey. Open the trunk.
[siren blips]
Shit.
Oh, no. What is going on?
Yeah. All right, Rocky. Go get them.
I'll be quick.
[officer] Excuse us. What's going on here?
[grunting]
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Aah!
[Brian] Oh, my God! Aah!
[car starts]
What is happening? No!
Ohhh, shit!
Aah! Aah!
What is he doing?
[Brian] Ugh! Ohh!
You got this, you got this, buddy!
Aah!
[tires squealing]
[car alarm blaring]
He is the worst getaway driver I've ever seen.
No argument here.
I wish I had my contacts in.
You're done.
Oh, it is so cool!
I love it so much. Thank you.
Oh, you are so welcome. It looks really,
- really good on you. - I know.
All right, Buzz Aldrin, you're up.
I don't know anymore.
What do you mean you don't know anymore?
We made a deal, and I have a tattoo on my foot.
I didn't sign a contract. I don't want to do it anymore.
What do you mean a contract? We're best friends.
We don't need to sign a contract.
It's already engraved in our heart.
It's a friendship contract.
Exactly.
Fine, fine. Let's do it.
Whatever. I don't care anymore.
Ink me. Come on.
Ink me hard. Let's do it.
Hey! You need to calm down, OK?
I'm hung-over. Please.
OK.
[Viceroy] Start talking.
[muffled shouts]
You can probably take the gun out of his mouth.
What is happening? What are you guys doing?
Why do you have guns? What's going on?
Don't kill me. Please don't kill me.
I want to live!
I changed my mind. Put it back in.
Tell us everything.
I don't know anything.
Start talking.
[Brian] OK, OK. I have five cats.
I love them.
I also love romantic comedies and--and reality TV.
I binge watch it.
I find it calming, and-- and--and I'm not
skydiving tomorrow, OK? I lied about that.
I don't have an extreme lifestyle.
As a matter of fact, I would never skydive.
I hate heights, I don't like parachutes.
Flying makes me nauseous.
Please don't kill me.
Did Ari tell you to rip us off?
Who--who is Ari?
You heard of The Painter?
I know painters.
Rembrandts, the Ninja Turtles, sure.
[Viceroy] Wait. If you don't know Ari, why were
you at the Crest Motel, and how did you get
the names Viceroy and Monarch?
Because I had a pickup there, OK?
Those--those were the names on the pickup form.
I'm sorry I was two minutes late.
Pickup form? What are you talking about?
I am a driver for a rideshare company,
or at least I was a driver for a rideshare company
because I'm surely gonna get fired now if I live.
Not to mention my dad's gonna freak out
because this is his car, OK?
I lied about that.
I lied about having friends.
I don't even have friends.
I'm a loser.
The five cats are my world.
Please, please, listen.
I thought that if maybe we-- we were cool with each
other you guys would like me and be my friends,
and maybe that would turn into something where
you guys would maybe have sex with me.
What?
Because you're--you're prostitutes, you know,
women of the night!
We're not prostitutes, you moron.
We're undercover FBI.
Like--like Female Body Inspectors?
My dad has that shirt.
We got in the wrong car.
We have to go back to the motel and look through
security footage.
We got in the wrong car.
Who got in the right one?
Yes. Wow.
I think I just got the hang of it on yours.
It's so good. Thank you!
You know, you're actually really cool.
Aw. I'm so sorry about all that stuff I said
when I first got here.
I don't get out much.
No. It's OK. You're young.
I get it because I'm young, too.
It's like we're peers, you know?
No. I--I think I'm younger.
Eh, agree to disagree on that, OK?
OK. So I got to ask you,
what is up with these outfits? You look insane.
You look like you had your period and then splashed it
back on yourself.
No. I stopped doing that.
We're actually just on a field trip
for our AP art history class.
Everyone got really sick,
but we decided to go out
and actually have some fun.
Oh, OK. Field trip, huh?
Where are you guys from?
Ugh. Lake Arrowhead.
Really? Wait. No way.
What high school do you go to?
- Dixon. - Get out!
Get right out.
Get out! Wait! I went to Dixon!
- Really? - Really?
Ha! Yeah! Dixon High Cougars for life,
you bitches!
Oh, my God! That is so rad.
Why didn't you guys tell me you went to Dixon?
Seriously, why didn't you tell me?
Err! Why didn't you guys tell me you're Cougars?
I would have used a new needle.
Oh, my God! This is, like, blowing my mind!
You guys.
Oh, my God! Is that creepy gym teacher still there,
the one with the thick glasses and no teeth?
- Mr. Abrams. - Mr. Abrams.
Well, he made me call him Badger, which...
He's in jail now.
Oh, that's--that's good.
That's actually really good.
So what are you guys doing after school?
I'm probably gonna go to college for poli sci in the fall.
- Because you're smart. - Yeah.
Yeah. I'm probably gonna take a few years off
and travel abroad, really find myself.
OK. I think we all know that means you're just
gonna get wasted and hook up with guys
- who don't speak English. - [Abby] That's what I said.
- Right? - Yeah.
We have something. Two little besties.
Yeah. She's a slut.
Ha ha ha! You know what?
You guys wait right here, old Cougars.
I got something to show you, OK?
OK.
Get the old gal up.
- Ooh. - Got it.
Ha ha ha! Whoo!
Lightheaded. The doctor told me to stop working,
but I was like, "No! You stop working." Ha ha ha!
BRB, guys.
Heh. You two are a trip.
How did you know about that Lake Arrowhead stuff?
What do you mean?
I mean, did you make it up, did you Goggle it?
Like, how did you know she went to Dixon?
We didn't make it up because it's the truth.
Yeah, right. You're a couple of high school girls
down here on a art history field trip?
AP art history.
Ha ha ha! You messing with me.
She's good. Ha ha ha!
- What? - What?
So what are your real names?
I'm Kate.
I'm Abby. What's your name?
Andy.
Nice to formally meet you, Andy.
Nice to meet you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
So how did you know about Viceroy and Monarch?
Yeah. We just saw it on an envelope when we
checked into the motel.
I mean, it was my idea.
I was the one who put it into my phone, so...
We got to go.
We got to go now. Put your foot in the shoe.
Come on. We got to go. Let's go.
Let's go!
Man, I got to pee.
OK. Can you hold it?
Hold it? Man, I been holding it, man.
You're just hearing about it now.
A grown man telling me to hold my pee.
OK. Sorry.
Why don't you go outside, grown man?
Go outside? Come on. I can't do that.
So uncivilized.
I met you in jail, but that's uncivilized.
It's Ari, it's Ari, it's Ari.
OK.
- Ari, hey. - It's done?
Is what done?
How many things are you doing right now?
Oh, right, right.
Right--ha ha. He's doing a bit.
They haven't done anything yet, Ari.
We're still watching and surveilling.
What do you mean?
Uh, they got some clothes, they went into
an artisinal restaurant, and so now they're
getting tattoos.
Tattoos?
I know they hit the place.
I got text from them.
What the hell is going on?
Are they paying you to play dumb,
or are you doing it for free?
Mr. "Airy," we been sitting on them all night.
We'd have seen it.
It's "Ar-ee," and no "mister."
Jesus Christ. Something's happening.
I bet Wheels is in on this.
I knew it!
Bring them all to me now!
- Who? - Err!
[Ari] Who do you think?
Wheels and the broads!
Are you high?
He's good. We're gonna take care of it.
We'll talk to you so soon, and I thank you.
Idiots!
Come on. Let's go. We got to go.
Guys? My little kids?
Hello?
Did I just imagine all that?
Did--did we do something wrong?
Are you mad at us?
[Wheels] Not you. Just time to call it a night.
Wheels, how's it going, buddy?
What are you guys doing here?
Oh, I think you know.
There's been a big mix-up.
I really think you guys should let this go.
Sorry. Not gonna happen.
Mr. Ari's orders.
I'm not gonna let you take them.
Oh, don't worry. You get to come, too.
- What's happening? - I don't know.
Get out of here!
[both scream]
Ohh!
Go get the car!
Hold on, hold on!
This dress is a nightmare to run in.
I can't. My legs won't let me.
You're wearing workout clothes!
Aah!
Come on. Are you OK?
Stay right there, sweetie.
What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Where do we go?
This way!
[dance music playing]
- What the? - Go!
Did he see us?
I don't think so.
- What the hell is going on? - I don't know.
I just want to get back to the motel before anyone
finds out we're gone. We should have never left.
I can't believe you got me into all this!
I got you into all this? Are you serious?
I didn't plan for this to happen, Abby.
I know you didn't plan for this to happen
because you don't plan anything.
You just do whatever the hell you want,
and let other people clean up the mess.
That's--that's not fair!
I'm not gonna apologize for wanting to have fun.
If it weren't for me, you'd never even have any!
How is this fun?
I have a tattoo, we almost got kidnapped,
and we're in the middle of a rave.
This is a bad night!
Yeah.
Dude, will you please put the gun down?
Did you not see Pulp Fiction?
Put it down!
I got to ask were you guys orphans trained
by the Yakuza ninjas?
What?
We're not who you think we are.
It's them, man, it's them!
Put the gun down!
[Ari] Where is it?
Where's what?
What do you think?
The painting I paid you lot of money
to steal for me.
I would hate to kill the legendary Viceroy
and Monarch, so please do not make me.
Those aren't our names.
We didn't steal any paintings.
We're just two high school students
on an AP art history field trip.
Oh, what is this now?
You're only high school student on art history trip
dressed like Madonna and Jane Fonda?
- Who? - Shut up.
I swear. AP art history.
OK. Heh.
This is how you want to play me.
You now have exactly three seconds to tell me
what I needs to know.
- One... - We don't know anything!
- Two... - Sir, please.
Kate, do something.
Three!
Fine. You win. You got us.
What?
Yeah, what?
Yeah. We're Viceroy and Monarch,
and we have what you're looking for.
You can put the gun down now.
Ha ha! I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! Brains.
Just let us go, and we'll come back with want you want.
OK, but no, no.
Question.
And please be totally honest.
Do I look stupid?
Hmm?
You really think I let you go, both of you walk away?
No.
You go, your friend stays here,
and if you don't come back
before my buyer gets here,
I will have to kill her.
OK.
OK? You can't leave me here.
I'll be back, I promise.
Don't leave.
Go.
Kate, you can't leave me here.
Trust me.
Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.
Kate, Kate, you can't leave me here!
Kate!
Kate, don't leave me!
Kate, you can't leave me here!
Kate! Kate!
[Ari, high-pitched voice] Kate, Kate.
Hush, please. It's annoying.
[Ari] OK. Tie her up.
I must make pee-pees.
What a weird night.
Congratulations.
[clerk] Don't you guys need, like, a warrant
for this or something?
Not if we never saw this.
[Viceroy] Right there. There they are.
[Monarch] How did that happen?
You had to pee. That's how it happened.
Damn it. They could be anywhere by now.
Help! Help! I need help. My friend, she's in danger.
I need someone to call the police or something right now.
[panting]
It's the girl from the TV.
What?
[Ari] OK. 50 more.
Call.
I'll do 50, too.
Getting close. I hope your partner shows up.
I'd hate to disappoint my buyer.
OK. What do you got?
Check this out. Pair aces.
Ah. Two pair. Got lucky.
Shit, damn, crap.
You know what happens when I see crap?
I straight flush it. Ha ha!
Damn it. Straight flush where?
- Look at that. Right there. - Damn it.
You should've raised before the last card.
That's when he made his flush and he hit his second pair.
They both had nothing before that.
What?
This one, he made his flush on the river card.
Am I right?
Maybe.
Definitely.
Impressive. You want to play?
Come on. Hey...shut up.
This will be interesting. You can play for your life.
[Kate] I don't know, guys.
This honestly sounds like a terrible idea.
If anything goes wrong or you feel in danger at any point,
just say, "Safari," and we will come in and get you.
Safari.
I don't know anymore. Can I change my mind?
I'm sorry. You girls interfered with a federal investigation,
so if you and your friend want to stay out of jail,
this is what you have to do.
Safari.
[Viceroy] That's the code word for us to come in--safari.
Personally, I think you're gonna be fine.
- Shut up. - You ready?
Safari. Safari.
- That's the word. - Safari.
That's what's gon-- Yep. That's it.
No. I'm saying it right now. Safari.
[Abby] Should I deal?
I'll deal. Your hands are tied.
[laughter]
Right.
[Ari] So, uh, where did you learn to play cards?
I play with my brothers,
even started a poker club in high school.
Enough with the high school stuff, already.
- I'm not idiot. - It's the truth.
So I suppose you want me to believe you're not
this, uh, Viceroy and Monarch or whatever the hell names you are.
No. My friend just used those names
because she thought it'd be funny.
I don't even know what she's up to right now,
but I can assure you, she's not getting any painting.
[Ari] Ach, garbage.
Ah...
- I can prove it to you. - How?
Could I borrow your laptop? I'll show you my profile.
It has everything that I told you on it.
OK. Go get.
[clears throat]
See?
Oh, my God.
Lake Arrowhead? I love Lake Arrowhead.
- So pretty. - Yeah.
- I almost moved there once. - Why didn't you?
Went to prison instead. OK.
OK. Says it's private. You have to add me.
Sorry, but I only add people I know.
Ha! I respect your privacy settings,
but, uh, given the fact that this is life or death,
I suspect you make exception.
Good point.
Let me just sign in really quick.
Smarty pants.
Totally understand the whole privacy thing.
You don't want a bunch of random weirdoes
routing through your photos.
[chuckles]
You have a Facebook?
Uh, I'm still over on MySpace.
My-- You have a band?
- Yeah. - Your band is lame.
[Abby] See?
That's from today.
Holy crap. Holy crap.
2,000 friends? Impressive.
Yeah, pretty popular around the Internet.
Heh. Poker club. Is real. Ha!
So wait. You are named...Abby?
- Yep. - Hmm.
- You look like an Abby. - I know.
- Spanish club, pom-pom? - Ha!
You're pom-pom? Prom?
[laughter]
Look at this. Oh, my God, AP Art History.
Christ, this is hilarious. Ha ha ha!
She is not gangster. She is child.
That's what I've been trying to tell you this whole time.
We almost killed minor. Ha ha ha!
[man] You almost died. Ha ha ha!
Look at your face.
I had the plastic laid down in my van and everything.
There's egg on my face. Ha ha ha!
Where is my painting? We need my painting!
Good luck.
[exhales]
I don't know if she's got what it takes.
- Shut up. - Shut up.
[Ari] Apologies, kid. Hell of a mix-up. Cut her loose.
No worries.
Look. I'll have my men take you back to motel.
Go home. Don't come back, OK?
- Deal. - Right.
Hey, hello. This is Ari.
For-real Monarch or Viceroy, please call.
Emergency. Call me now. Damn it. Gosh darn it.
- Hey. - What the hell?
- Kate? - I got what you wanted.
- What? - Yep.
- What? - Here it is.
Now let my friend go like you promised.
- We're square here. - Kate, what are you doing?
I told him the truth. He was about to let me go.
Don't call me Kate, Viceroy. I'm saving your life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Viceroy?
I--I have no idea what she's talking about.
I'm not Viceroy. I'm Abby.
I'm so Abby. Look at me. You even said so yourself.
Ha ha ha! I can't believe I bought it.
Oh, my God, you two are so good. Wowee, wowee, wowee.
[Kate] We get it.
I gave you what you wanted. Now can we go?
Ha! I suppose a deal's a deal.
- Who are you right now? - Drop the act. We're beat.
He's onto us. Can we go?
You can leave when my buyer authenticates this painting.
Please.
Little late, gentlemen.
Now let's see what all this noise is about.
[Abby] Is that a painting? Kate, where did you get that?
You know where I got it, Viceroy.
OK. Have seat. Relax. We have time.
You need soda, chips, Chex Mix, pretzels?
I have everything.
Wowee, wowee, wowee.
She's in.
- Can I have a gun? - No.
It feels like I should have a gun.
Oh, we might just pull this off.
Who's that?
[tires screech]
[Ari] Anyone can play CD. "Look. I'm band."
You're basically DJ.
- Why'd you come back? - I came back to save you.
Great job.
[Wheels] Ari?
[Ari] Wheels, what the hell are you doing here?
I thought you would've gone AWOL.
I trusted you, guy.
Ari, listen. You've got to let them go.
They're not who you think they are.
They're in high school, man. I have their real clothes.
- Ugh, smells horrible. - I know.
There's something wrong with them,
but they're not your pros.
You got to listen to me. I made a mistake.
Mistake. Mm.
Perhaps you can explain this, then.
I--
Wheels, only mistake you make is coming back here.
You are liar, liar, pants on fire!
I don't understand, man.
When'd you do this? I was with you the entire time?
Don't ask me. I don't know what the hell is going on anymore.
[Viceroy] That's it. He's about to kill them.
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.
We have to get her out of there now.
- Just wait. - I'd love a gun.
[Wheels] I don't know what you told these guys,
but they're very dangerous people,
so whatever you told them, you need to untell them.
- Oh, ho ho ho! - Kate!
Wowee, wowee. This is what I'm talking about.
- Kate? - Shut up. My name's Monarch.
Listen.
- Even, like, a little gun. - Shh.
This is who you sent to pick us up, Ari? Come on.
Listen. I don't know what you think you're doing,
- but you need to stop-- - Oh, ho ho ho!
You are the worst criminal I've ever worked with in my life.
Took you about five minutes to spill your guts, Andy.
What? "Andy"?
- "Andy"? - Hello, Andy.
- Hi, Andy. - Hello, Andy. Ha ha ha!
Oh, it's Raggedy Andy. Ha ha ha!
I told you that in confidence.
I love these girls. Poker club? Please.
Uh, Wheels-- excuse me--Andy, take seat.
Ha ha ha! You got bitch-slapped. Now you sit.
Oh, Andy. Shit, I'd want to be called Wheels, too.
[laughter]
Good girl.
She's got balls. I give her that.
Is this fun for you?
Who is that?
[Vlad Holiday] ♪ Romanticize my very being ♪
♪ Till the thought of me corrupts the youth ♪
♪ I just want the truth, baby ♪
♪ I just want it a-all, I just want it a-all ♪
♪ I just want the truth, baby ♪
That is an awesome pantsuit.
[Kate] Why'd you come back?
- I came back to save you. - Great job.
You don't need to be slapping people.
Let's make this quick.
The jet's leaving within the hour.
- I'd like to be on it. - Yes, ma'am. Ari?
In here. Look.
I hope, for your sakes, this painting's real.
Keep an eye on them. Watch my back.
Welcome. Thank you for coming.
Hello, Ari. I'm the one you spoke to.
Ha ha! Wowee, wowee, wowee. So much better.
Who are they?
Oh, this is Viceroy and Monarch.
They are the ones who steal the painting.
Yeah. I heard about them.
You guys are gonna be huge one day.
May I get you something to drink?
I have soda, chips, so much in back.
No. I don't need snacks.
I don't even want to know what you have in the back, OK?
The only thing I'm interested in is a lost Van Gogh painting.
Right, right. It's, uh--
Oh.
I can't believe you found it.
Boy Peeing On Sunflowers.
- Cool. - It's real?
Now let's see if it's real.
[snap]
[clears throat]
[Ari] Of course it's real.
- Uh-huh. - Of course.
Crazy. There's no painting on the back.
Mm-hmm.
[Viceroy] Come on, come on, come on.
[Monarch] Why is she taking so long?
- I don't like this. - Shut up.
Mm-hmm. OK.
Crazy person painted. You can tell.
Good job.
I never thought that I would see this painting in person.
[sighs]
Do you know that Van Gogh once said--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Do you have my money?
Of course.
Gotcha! Yes.
I can't believe it. It actually worked.
Right. I'm going in there.
Hold on. We're gonna wait for them to leave.
But she's right there.
We're not gonna go in there and start a shootout.
These girls are in high school.
Call it in and have a team on standby.
I'm actually with her on that one.
I think that's a good call.
I know. I know. Shut up.
- You can count it if you like. - I trust you.
You are beautiful woman.
I, uh, heard this painting is worth millions.
You'll make a lot of money when you sell it.
I already have a lot of money, and I'm not gonna sell
this painting, but I wouldn't expect you to understand that.
You're right. I don't.
We're done here, Ari.
[door opens]
Hey, Ari!
Ari, I got your money!
How many buyers did you line up?
None. None.
Ari, I got your money.
Would you like to see a magic trick?
- Aah! - Get down! Come on!
Come on out! Let's go! Go! Come on!
What the hell is going on in there?
I told you we should've gone in.
- I'll come with you. - You stay here.
Oh, thank God. I don't know why I said that.
I did not mean that.
I'll cover the front. You take the back.
All right. Hey...watch yourself.
You, too.
I'm an idiot.
[gunfire]
- You girls all right? - Yeah.
OK. Out on the rink, I'm gonna cause a distraction.
Go!
[gunfire]
- Aah! - Aah!
Shit.
You could've been rich, you greedy bastard.
I didn't set you up.
He's clown with gambling problem.
Safari!
Why are you yelling, "Safari"?
That's what the FBI told me to say if we're in trouble.
The FBI?
[disco music playing]
Ha ha! It's party time.
I ran back to the hotel to call the cops,
but the FBI was already there.
They told me I had to come back and do this.
- What? Safari! - Safari!
You have what you want. Just leave.
You better spend all that money on disappearing.
That's the whole point.
[click click]
I'm out! We got to go! Come on!
Stupid Red!
FBI. Drop your weapons. Down on the ground.
Can't shoot us if we're not armed.
[guns clatter]
Make us.
Oh...you know what?
That actually sounds really nice.
Oh!
FBI. Don't move.
FBI? Shit, damn, crap.
- Oh! - Aah!
- You set me up! - Sorry!
[gunshot]
- Ooh! - Go!
- Uh! - Ooh!
Uh!
[Abby] Kate, Kate, are you OK? Did you get shot?
Yeah.
[panting]
- Oh... - Is that a bulletproof vest?
Yeah. Pretty cool, right?
- My God, you're an idiot. - I know.
Do you know what happens to bitches who snitches?
- Huh huh! - Ah!
Ari, Van Gogh fuck yourself.
- Hey, Ari. - Uh! Ooh!
That's it. I'm going in.
Yargh. I'll wait five minutes.
I'll wait five minutes.
Five minutes, then I'll go in. Ten minutes.
Yeah, right.
Ooh! Ah...
- Uh! - Ooh!
[gagging]
Hah!
- Whoa, nice. - Yeah. Well, you know--
- Where's The Collector? - She got away.
She can't have gotten far. Come on.
[Brian] 15 minutes, then I go in.
Oh, no way.
That's it. It's go time.
[Brian] Aaaah!
What?
Yes!
U.S.A. Yes!
Oh, ho ho!
Well, well, well, hello.
Oh, no big deal, just took out The Collector.
I don't want to talk about it.
- All right, Brian. - Yeah. That's right.
Now, you see, I saw her there, and I knew who she was
because of what we've been saying, and so I--
I automatically knew.
You know, I used the IPDE process--
identify, predict, decide, execute--
really hit her hard, too.
She didn't see it coming.
The look on her face I'll remember forever.
She's not dead, is she?
Uh! Damn it. Uh!
OK.
All right.
Hundred large. Thanks for the gig, Ari.
Good luck in Brazil. You girls all right?
We'll live.
- Thanks for coming back for us. - Sorry about that.
I really didn't trust you until I got back home
and smelled your clothes in the back seat of my car.
Yeah. We're probably gonna need those back.
[Viceroy] Kate? Where are you? Kate!
Guys, chill. It's the FBI.
I'm over here. Safari.
The FBI? What the hell?
- Freeze. - Let me see your hands.
Hands in the air.
[Kate] Guys, it's cool. It's cool.
This is Abby. This is Andy.
He was our driver I was telling you about--
he literally just saved our lives--
and that's Ari.
Uh-huh. Hey, Ari, nice meeting you in person.
Who are you guys?
They're the real Viceroy and Monarch.
[Wheels] The one I was supposed to pick up at the motel?
- Yep. - And you're cops?
Well, not exactly.
We work for an undercover unit that specializes
in recovering lost and stolen artwork.
It's complicated.
[Wheels] After everything that's happened,
this is probably the only thing that makes sense.
- No way. - I tried to tell you.
We should leave before the local cops get here.
I don't want to fill out all that paperwork.
[Viceroy] Yeah. You're right. That sounds horrible.
Am I under arrest?
- No. - No...
but the three of you are coming with us.
There's one more thing we got to take care of.
Get a move on.
Coming.
[sighs]
Crazy night, huh?
Yup.
Are you mad at me?
No.
You ready for this?
Yeah. Let's do it. I just want to go home.
That was it?
Make it look so much better in the movies.
They make losing your virginity look better in the movies, too.
Movies are full of sh--
You guys did a great job tonight.
So what happens now? Are we in trouble?
[Viceroy] No. As long as you guys don't tell anybody
about your involvement here, this car is the last link
between us and what happened tonight.
We won't tell if you won't.
We made a deal when I got back to the motel.
They said as long as I helped them,
they won't tell anyone.
You did that for me?
Someone had to clean this mess up.
[Viceroy] All we wanted out of this was The Collector.
With her in custody, we will recover millions
in stolen artwork.
See you around, ladies.
[Brian] What about me? What about old Brian?
You guys put a loaded gun in my mouth,
made me hit a strange lady with my dad's car,
which you just blew up.
Well, you can't win them all, Brian.
Sucks for you.
Sucks for me? I didn't win any of them.
I won nothing. I didn't win anything.
Sun's about to rise.
If my dad finds out we went out last night,
then he finds out, doesn't matter anymore.
[Wheels] We can still make it. Let's go.
[tires screech]
[Wheels] Sorry about that. You all right?
Uh, yeah. Don't worry about us. We're fine.
Yeah. We're fine. Go faster.
[Abby] I can't believe the FBI let you blow up that car.
I know, right? I've always wanted to do that.
- Me, too! - It was so badass.
Even if we get caught, it was so worth it.
[Kate] Yes. Whoa!
[Wheels] Hey, you're not gonna get caught.
You're going to college, and Kate, she's going to Europe
to do her thing with a bunch of dudes.
Oh, my God, I am not gonna go to Europe.
Staying here to do her thing with a bunch of dudes.
I'm not gonna do anything with any dudes, OK?
My parents can't pay for college.
[Abby] Why didn't you just tell me that?
I found out this morning, and I'm embarrassed, OK?
I know how excited you are about college.
I don't want to ruin your whole thing.
Kate, there's really nothing to be embarrassed about.
There are so many successful people
who don't even end up going to college,
and you could go to community college or something.
Maybe I'd even stay and go to community college with you.
- What? You would? - Hell, no.
[tires screech]
- Aah! - Aah!
Ladies, we're getting close. Put your clothes on.
- Gross! - Oh, these smell so gross.
[tires screech]
- Whoa, Andy! - Andy!
Ha ha! See? I told you we'd make it.
- Hey, we still got time. - Thanks, Andy.
Hey, no worries.
Uh, maybe we should take a second to thank me,
the one who saved the day.
What? You smacked me in the face twice.
Yeah, and I was held hostage with guns.
Don't be so dramatic.
[Wheels] Ha! You know what?
Actually, I should be thanking you guys.
If you didn't wander into my vehicle by mistake,
I'd be dead or in jail by now, so thank you,
and here's a little something for your college fund.
Oh, are you serious?
Better take it before I change my mind.
See? Everything's gonna work out.
[Kate] Oh, my God, we should go back,
sell an actual painting on the black market.
[Abby] No. We--we need to go.
- You never listen to me. - Bye, Wheels.
Bye, Andy.
[cell phone rings]
Ha ha ha! Oh. Hey, boo-boo. Hey.
I--I was just coming home. yeah.
Hi.
Thank you for being early, Kate and Abby.
Oh, wow, smells a lot worse than yesterday, you guys,
a lot worse.
[engine starts]
Yeah, and there's--there's still vomit in a couple spots,
so just be careful where you sit.
[Chad] Bro, I'm so sorry I ever made fun of you.
I was just self-conscious about my own identity,
so I took it out on you.
No. I was a dick. You're a good guy.
[Goldstein] Jessie, what's going on? What's happening?
Hey, how are you?
Fine, except for I fricking hate everyone.
What's happening here? What's going on?
How was your night, you two?
- Uh, uh... - Pretty good.
I mean, you guys probably were having a lot of fun,
but we decided to sneak out
because it was getting all stinky,
and so we got in the wrong car,
tried to sell a painting on the black market.
The FBI showed up, but they were super nice.
- It was weird. - She got shot.
No. Yeah. Yeah, but it was mostly marinara.
OK. Very funny, Paula Poundstone.
Bear, stop laughing. Just stay in your seats, please.
Another awesome Saturday night, huh?
Hey, Goldstein, we gonna stop for breakfast?
No. We're not. No. We're not.
You don't know how to have fun.
Let's party.
[Born Cages] ♪ Ah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ And if you feel like quitting ♪
♪ Letting go of everything ♪
♪ You gotta break that haunted silence, man ♪
♪ Like a dusty bell that don't ring ♪
♪ I wanna feel the sea ♪
♪ I wanna just for once be me ♪
♪ I wanna lose control of everything I've ever known ♪
♪ I know, I know ♪
♪ All I want is to live in your memories ♪
♪ I wanna be a part of something bigger than me ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[Boh Doran] ♪Na na na na na na na na ♪
♪ Standing ground, little fighter ♪
♪ Holding tight is what you do ♪
♪ Who's to say I'll always love you? ♪
♪ You hide away from all the answers ♪
♪ Always dancing round the truth ♪
♪ Please explain what angels mean to you ♪
♪ Red, orange, yellow, green ♪
♪ But I can't get past blue ♪
♪ Red, orange, yellow, green ♪
♪ I just can't get past you ♪
♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪