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Larry here.
Bo here. I'm at Elmer's.
Better get down here. We got us a situation.
All right, Sheriff, I'm on my way.
What's up, Boodles?
Let's go do some good.
What's going on?
Uh, Elmer's in the barn.
He's armed, and he's got a hostage,
somebody named Buttercup.
We figure it's either his girlfriend or his horse.
With Elmer, it's the same thing.
Hold that.
Oh, you.
Elmer! It's Larry!
Don't shoot.
I'm coming in!
Where you at, bud?
Right here.
Tell me your troubles.
It's over, Larry.
That damn mare's thrown me for the last time.
I'm gonna put her down.
Stay here.
Put down that damn gun.
Hey, sugar.
Hey. Need a buttercup for Buttercup. Huh?
Buttercup for Buttercup?
These is delicious.
There you go.
See what we got here.
What the...
Oh, for Pete's sake.
You big retard!
Hey, Elmer!
Next time, clean the burrs off the saddle
before you put it on her.
Sorry, Larry.
Don't tell me, tell her.
Well, I ain't going to apologize to no dumb animal.
You know, that's probably why you're getting thrown.
You don't know how to treat a lady.
Here.
Go on, give it to her.
Good girl.
I'm sorry.
That's a girl.
Ah, jeez.
Smoot just saved the free world, Larry.
Where the hell were you?
Staking out the Krispy Kreme.
Putting up his profile on IntimateCousins. com.
Laugh it up, you sorry sons of bitches.
I closed that deal.
I made you a malt, Larry.
Drown your sorrows.
What sorrows? I saved Buttercup and kept Elmer out of jail.
Then it's a celebration!
Ah. Boy, Connie, you know what your malts do to me?
Countin' on it, darlin'
I get off in an hour.
Ain't gonna take that long.
I got Crisco at my house.
Hey, I thought that lure is supposed to catch the big fish.
You playing a minnow, there, Connie.
Gus, if Larry's a minnow, you must be a shrimp.
Boy, big-titted and quick-witted.
That's how I like 'em.
She's the onliest reason
I stay around this two-mule town.
I thought it was for the free rent.
Or the fishing.
The unbreakable bond of friendship that dates back to our formative years.
Yeah, I do dream of bigger things.
Although, Connie's ain't small.
I mean, big enough for most fellers, but...
Nope, what this town lacks
is law enforcement opportunities that equal my cap-a-cicity.
You ain't gonna find a town with less crime than this one.
Smoot wants to shuffle off to the raisin ranch.
How does Sheriff Larry sound?
Hey, better yet,
how does Special Agent Larry sound?
Federal Bureau of...
Guys who show their butt cracks!
FBI, Gus.
That's right, I'm ready for the big-time.
'Cause I know a criminal when I see one,
a rat when I smell one,
and a bad moon when it rises.
Bring her in.
Tell me she ain't hotter than an electric prod on a hog's ass.
Did you see them fellers?
Them bulges?
They either got elephant mumps or they're packin' heat.
Oh, you've been watching way too many cop shows.
They try to go in there with me, I'm going to scream.
Did she just say something about screaming?
You think she's in trouble, huh?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, happy prunes!
Especially since Dotter and Marge just dropped a deuce in there!
Four coffees to go, honey.
Black, honey?
There's a black Suburban out there.
You know who drives black Suburbans?
Drug dealers,
smugglers,
I'm telling you.
Keep your hands off me.
See, look.
Calm down. Don't make a scene.
What'd I tell you?
Did you see that rude jerk?
Yes, I did.
Not only is he a rude jerk,
I think he's a kidnapper.
Have you lost your marbles?
Come on, men in black, high-class babe.
Babe? You think she's a babe?
She looked like a different B-word to me.
"Furtervious," sneaky attitude,
security procedurals...
If this ain't a kidnapping, I ain't a lawman.
Now that you mention it...
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna rescue me a damsel in deestress.
If you're gonna rescue a damsel, I get off in 48 minutes.
Connie, this could be my chance at the big time here.
You're blowing your chance for a big time with me.
Sweetheart, you're gonna be proud of me.
I don't want to be proud. I want to get some.
Some help cleaning my garage.
Well, I guess big time can wait a minute and 37 seconds.
Forget it.
You'd rather chase that other woman.
I wouldn't touch you now if you put on your Billy Ray Cyrus wig.
She's kidding.
I ain't got no such like wig.
Con, come on, I really need to do this.
Well, what if you're wrong?
Like the time I shot that masked gunman
at Coleman's jewelry store
and it turned out to be Old Man Coleman?
Yes, on Halloween.
Or that time I thought I cracked that major illegal immigrant ring,
and it turned out to be the Sanchez family reunion?
Yeah, Mayor Sanchez was pretty upset about that.
All right, so I made some minor mistakes,
but you can't make an omelet without cracking a few walnuts.
Con, this is gonna be different.
Next time you see me, that badge is gonna say FBI.
You'll see.
I don't love your job, Larry.
I love you.
Then trust me, I'm doing the right thing,
Larry, please.
Darlin', a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
I know. I just don't want my man to get hurt.
Then your love will be my bulletproof vest.
Oh, Larry.
Women.
Who can possibly unravulate their mysteries?
Then again, who gives a shit?
I'm just kidding. I didn't mean that, Con.
Norm's Last Chance. This is Norm.
Oh, toothless son of a godless whore!
I got teeth.
And for the last time, Mama was a dancer.
You got my money, cuz? A bet's a bet.
You gotta be kidding me.
That girl had more scars on her chest than Frankenstein.
That's because she was mauled by a bear.
But her boobs were real.
All right, I'll pay you. Shit.
But listen, at presently,
I'm involved in a high-level law enforcement pursuit
and have reason to believe that the subject in question
may attempt to regress at your peril, man.
Speak American, Larry.
Got bad dudes headed your way, Norm.
No, I am quite sure that no men-in-black kidnappers
driving Suburbans with beautiful hostages
has been by here today.
Well, burn the tick off my butt.
Hold 'em there, keep 'em there. I'm on the way.
With my money?
We must be going through a bad cell area, Norm.
I'll see you in a minute.
The oil's fine.
Hell, I'm sure it is, but I have to check it.
It's part of the full service.
Consider it checked.
Well, I can't do that. It's company policy.
All right, all right. just make it snappy.
The oil is fine, isn't it?
Yes, sir. Yes, it is.
What's that?
Oh, it's gas. It's gas.
You got a fuel leak.
Here, it's split.
See, GM gets these chintzy hoses from Red China,
and they're not worth turd pie.
Shut up. Just fix it.
Yes, sir. Yes.
How much longer is this going to take?
Well, I don't have this exact hose in stock,
so I'm gonna have to improvise.
There's no smoking in here, ma'am.
How nice. A gentleman.
That's me.
"Swayve" and "deboner."
Listen, I'm here to help you.
Help me what?
Escape.
From the clutches of evil.
How, by impeaching Bush?
Listen, just act natural and get in my truck over there.
I'd rather get in a hearse for my own funeral.
You need to speed it up.
I'm trying to execute a flawless ejaculation.
I beg your pardon!
- Hey! - Oh, shit. We've been nailed.
Get away from me, you pervert.
- Hold it! - Blue 47! Break!
- Put me down! - Hold my head!
Start the car.
Aah! No! Put me down, you crazy grizzly bear.
Get in the car!
Ah! No!
Boy, those are real.
I didn't get the clip on!
Are you insane?
No, I'm Larry.
You haven't the slightest idea of what you're doing.
Sweet potato, I know exactly what I'm doing.
Brilliant.
Mobsters or terrorists?
I don't know. Are you a mobster or a terrorist?
Not me, them.
They're FBI agents, you cretin.
I ain't cree.
So why'd the FBI kidnap you?
They didn't kidnap me. They were protecting me.
You're kidnapping me.
- Brainwashed you, huh? - What?
They do the Patty Hearst on ya?
A little stockyard syndrome?
Frickin' evil bastards.
Hey.
If I want you to play with my shifter, I'll let you know.
Well, are you at least going to excuse yourself?
Liberal, huh?
What?
That's what liberals do.
Always trying to accuse everybody else
of doing the same thing they're doing.
Are you trying to imply that you didn't just break wind?
That little squeak? That was all you, sugar.
Believe me, if I let one fly, they'll pick that up on the Doppler.
Well, at least roll down my window.
Oh, for the love of Mike.
Looks like you've inflicted collateral damage
upon my finest mallard caller.
I want you to stop this truck and let me out immediately.
- Aah! - What the...
Stop this truck!
Sweet potato, I got a policy.
If somebody's shooting at me, I run.
Watch this.
Floor it!
What's happening?
It's the hose, sir.
He didn't get the clip attached.
Are we slowing down?
Are they getting away?
Does a compass point north?
It does, sir.
That a girl.
Boy, I love this truck.
What is that god-awful racket?
You need to download a decent ringtone.
- Hello. - What the hell is going on?
That's what I'd like to know.
Toby Keith's a good one. Charlie Daniels.
Are you all right?
As if you care. You were shooting at me.
Waylon. Willie's always good.
Not at you, at the psycho.
You were never in any danger.
Oh, what a relief.
I was never in any danger.
He was shooting at the psycho.
Them son of a bitches almost made a mistake and got me.
Give me that phone.
This is Deputy Larry Stalder of the Amicus County Sheriff's Department.
Identify yourself.
Special Agent Ricardo Bodi, FBI,
Witness Protection Program.
I thought the FBI was supposed to rescue hostages, not take 'em.
You seem to be laboring under some misconception, Deputy.
We were in the process of escorting a valuable witness
when you intervened.
Boy, I love that government lingo.
What's that mean?
I'm impressed, Deputy.
You're a smooth talker.
Your truck has deceptive speed.
Yeah, it's pretty fast, too.
Now, I want my witness back.
Let me ask you something,
how long you been with the Bureau?
19 wonderful years,
during which, mostly said, I have compiled
a unblemished record of impeccable service,
which I'd like to keep intact.
19 years?
Shoot, you oughta be SAC by now.
Indeed, I am.
Scratch my nuts and call me shorty,
I'm talking to a special agent in charge.
You know, that was always one of my not so secret dreams
to wanna be a G-man myself.
You don't say.
I do say, and in spades.
Nothing racialistic intended.
You think you could write me a letter of recommendation?
It'd be my pleasure. Now what about my witness?
Heck, if that's all that's holding us up, let's go to the swap meet.
I'll call you back.
Standin' by!
Get your little book out.
Write down the name Larry.
Now draw a line through it.
I didn't think it was possible.
What's that?
For you to be dumber than you look.
Guess again, Longshanks.
You know, I didn't think it was possible
for somebody's ass to be tighter than a bull's during fly season.
You don't even know where you're going.
I know exactly where I'm going.
Shoot, I know these back roads like I do
the ingrown hair pimples on my ex-girlfriend's front bud.
I see.
You wanna step out of the car, please, ma'am?
Just don't ask me to get back in.
Beautiful, isn't it?
If you like insects, animal excrement, and dysentery.
Look, we ain't been formally introduced.
My name's Larry.
I know, although I profoundly wish I did not.
And who are you?
I'm Madeleine Dimkowski.
Pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Madeleine.
Just have a couple of questions I need to ask you.
Such as...
just what is the FBI protecting you from?
None of your business.
So you won't talk.
Not a chance.
Is that your final answer?
Hey, you heard her, Skinny. She don't wanna talk.
What's that?
No, we can't force her.
Shoot, this ain't Abu Grub.
Okay, I'll talk. I'll talk.
Just... Just... Just... Just get that thing...
I was a senior accountant at GiantCom.
I worked for Arthur Grimsley.
I know that case...
I know that case. I seen it on Court TV.
Operation Looker Cooker.
Yeah, that Grimsley was skimming six ways from Sunday,
had that good-looking babe cooking the books and cuffing his pork.
Hey, why'd you beef?
You lost me in the meat section.
Grimsley dumped you.
He most certainly did not dump me.
I was just fed up with the venality and the chicanery.
Well, that vecanery, that chaps my ass, too.
But his goons will try to keep me from testifying.
The FBI was escorting me to the trial in Chicago
until you decided to play the Lone Ranger.
Clint Eastwood. I was playing Clint Eastwood.
Whomever.
Lone Ranger.
Them little powder blue duds? Shoot.
Them things would ride up my crack.
I'll answer it.
First get rid of that thing.
Shoot. Skinny? He's just a little old rat snake.
He ain't gonna hurt nobody.
Let me see that phone.
Yeah?
You know Tutweilers Pig Farm off route 45?
I do.
Follow the smell. I'll meet you there.
I'll be there.
Heh. Now we'll see who's stupid, Miss I.P. Perfume.
It stinks out here.
Is it also humid? Are we on planet Earth?
Hello, Larry.
You got my letter?
Right here.
Well, now.
What about my witness?
She's fine.
Say, where's your backup at?
What backup?
Section 17. It's in the manual.
Proper procedural for a hostage transfer.
We don't always go by the book, Larry.
Go on! Get on out, everybody!
Now!
Enough. Enough.
This is silly. Get in the car.
Slide over. What you trying to do, get me killed?
Jesus.
Just... go.
God damn.
You crazy son of a bitch!
What'd you do back there?
Found out Bodi's dirty.
Dirtier than Larry Flynt's diary.
- That's idiotic! - He ain't followin' procedure.
Oh, as if you would know.
1, he opened fire in dangerous close proximification
to a protected witness.
That's a violation.
2, he agreed to my proposed location
for a little teet-a-teet,
and didn't have the escape routes covered.
That's a violation.
And 3, he didn't call for backup.
- That's a setup. - Is that all?
Ain't that enough?
You held up four fingers, Larry.
Oh, yeah. My letter of recommendation.
Oh. He could just be indignant.
On a government salary with benefits?
You kidding me?
Indignant, as in offended.
Not indigent, as in penniless.
Oh, forgot it. Why do I bother with a man
who keeps a possum in his glove compartment?
Wally's in the glove box? Wally! Wally!
Don't!
What are you gonna do with me?
Pretty soon we'll be in Chicago, there, Slim Jim,
and when I turn you over to the United States Attorney,
I think you'll be singing a different tune.
Quite possibly "Achy Breaky Heart".
We only give free refills to nice customers,
and y'all weren't that nice.
We're looking for Larry.
He ain't in my bra.
Yes, ma'am.
Who are you guys?
You look like that movie.
Is Larry an alien?
'Cause that would explain a lot of things.
Nice beaver.
Crabs.
No, I mean...
He was attacked by land crabs.
Cut him up pretty bad with their claws.
If, uh, Larry wanted to get away
because he was in trouble, where would he hide out?
His cousin's, probably.
- Who's that? - He's got about 60,
spread across five states.
Hey, where's the chick with all the jewels?
He has her. He has her or he's had her?
He has her! I don't know if he's had her.
'Cause if he's had her, he's had it!
No, I've had it!
This is a top priority case.
I don't have time to play games with you.
Where's your warrant to bust in here?
I can tell you in two words:
national security.
I can tell you back in two words:
bull... shit.
Okay, um, all right, all right, gentlemen, let's...
What now?
Let's go see the sheriff.
I only stay at five-star hotels.
Well, you're in luck 'cause this is the Six Star Inn.
Shoot, you're worth four stars all by yourself.
Is that a compliment?
You're quicker than a mule gettin' nut kicked.
What is that god-awful racket?
It's my phone.
Hello.
The FBI just paid me a visit.
Con, you okay?
Do you even care?
Course I do. Where you at?
Your place, feedin' the critters.
Hey, where's Wally?
Oh, he's with me.
Those men in black busted in here.
But I chased 'em off with your shotgun.
Girl of my dreams.
Hey, we'd better get off the phone.
They might be tappin' it.
Hey, you better not be tappin' anything.
I wouldn't touch this Big Bird-lookin' beanpole
with a stolen pecker.
Don't you try to sweet talk me, Larry.
Just keep your hands to yourself
and watch out for those G-men.
All right. Bye, Con.
Bye, darlin'.
If I could understand what you were saying,
I'd be insulted.
Aw, nothing but compliments.
Come on in.
Cozy.
Got any cash on you?
Cash?
I don't think I got enough money.
Can't use plastic.
Big Brother will trace that.
Check in?
Oh, no, unless it's barbecued. I'm a steak kind of guy.
Checking. In you're checking.
Oh, checkin' in.
Yeah, right, uh,
Mr. and Mrs. Earnhardt.
Nights, how many?
Oh, just one.
Hold on there, cupcake.
She got to go to the toilet.
You know, female bladders, like thimbles.
I can see why, though. We've been driving
all the way, uh, from Miami.
Bed king?
Well, you have to ask her. I'm pretty good,
but I wouldn't say I'm a bed king.
- What would you think? - You're not.
You know, maybe a duke or prince.
Size bed. King?
Two twin beds would be fine, thank you.
As far apart as possible.
Card credit you have?
Credit card? You got a problem with cash?
The almighty U.S. dollar?
La, la. It's policy.
Policy.
You know what? In America, the world's freest society...
this note is legal tender for all debts, public and private.
Can you read English, there, pamper-head?
Pissing me off you are.
Card credit?
We just been through that, Mohammed!
- Omar! - Omar Mohammed
or Mohammed Omar?
Omar Bensaladine Sharif Al Rashan.
Well, son of a bitch, ain't got to cuss me out.
At least throw in an infidel or something I can understand.
Go burn a flag, throw rocks at my embassy.
No card, no key.
Well, that's how it's gonna be, huh? Looky here.
Oh, boy.
Out of jurisdiction you are.
You forced my hand.
That is what?
There, Johnny Quest, this here's a swab.
And what it does is test for explosive "resininity."
Which in case, if I find,
I will tell my friends at the Department of Homeland Security
and you'll be sitting at Club Gitmo
quicker than you can say Islamic Jihad,
using your holy book here for toilet paper.
Credit card no.
Key yes.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Okay, thank you. God bless you.
You're such a nice man. I love you so much.
You're a funny little feller.
Trash white.
Oh, nice.
What a dump.
I'm famished, and I have to pee.
Well, let me make you nice and comfortable.
So you see, Sheriff, absolute secrecy
and immediate action are necessary.
I understand, yes.
This... This Lady X,
if she has vital information about al-Qeada in America...
Oh, that damn Larry.
I wanted him to take over for me.
The poor simpleton couldn't catch fish
in a trout pond with dynamite.
Do you think he'll call you?
Me? No.
Then who?
Well, if Connie can't tell you where he is,
then your best bet would be Bo, Gus, and Tater.
His law firm?
No, his drinking buddies.
You're a fine officer of the law.
Well, thank you, sir.
Six Star Inn near Brownsville.
Suspicious clerk called it in.
Omar Bensaladine Sharif Al Rashan.
Omar Bensaladine Sharif Al Rashan, huh.
Sounds like a good American.
Honey, I'm home!
You doing all right in there?
What, are you thinkin' about me in a pair of little shorty-shorts?
I'm coming in.
Sorry I took so long.
Aw, don't give me that look.
I'm trying to save your life.
Don't do that again.
Ever!
Well, as soon as you trust me,
I can trust you.
Madame.
Ch�teau Screw Cap '08?
No, thanks.
All right, well, suit yourself.
What's that?
Wheatgrass with spirulina.
Best stuff in the world for you.
Whew.
Smells like a hot tub in an old folks home.
Let's eat!
For the lady.
Spinach salad...
with a side of your tofuie.
That ought to taste real good with that pond scum of yours.
I have a headache.
Probably starvation.
Is that citronella?
I know you don't like bugs, so...
Outdoor use only, Larry.
The fumes are poisonous.
Only thing poisonous around here is your attitude.
Oh, well, put yourself in my position.
Oh, wait. First you'd have to have an I.Q. above room temperature.
The last female I was with that was as warm and cuddly as you
was a porcupine.
And what's that?
Aw, a little present.
I got you some PJs.
Stop trying to be romantic, Shrek.
Romantic?
What, are you trying to make me blow chunks?
Stuck-up women like you put a rash on my nuts.
What's so funny?
I, um, owe you an apology.
You owe me about a hundred.
I actually thought
this was some warped stump-jumper's idea of a seduction.
No, I never jumped no stumps before.
But I did get a blue ribbon at the Fair in clog kickin'.
Really? I didn't think you people actually...
We don't.
Look, you misunderstood my interior motives.
Typical womanly thing to do.
They all think men think like they do,
when in fact...
Their minds are much simpler and less developed?
Yeah.
Can we eat now?
I guess that's a yes.
Is that really necessary?
Well...
you believe Bodi is dirty?
Yes.
Heh, nice try.
You get some sleep.
Larry.
Whoa.
They almost busted my rod.
I'll bet that's a 40-pound catfish.
Uh, what the hell?
I can't sleep like this.
Well, we could put the beds together.
I'll find a way to cope. Good night.
Good night, Madeleine.
Betty Jean,
I didn't know you had feelings for me.
Give us a kiss.
Oh, I do have feelings for you.
Didn't I show you that all night?
Ya did?
Yeah, but a girl needs a rest.
And so do you, handsome.
You know, I mighta let you get away with it
if it wasn't for that last remark.
But even I know I ain't handsome.
Give me the key.
- Give the key! - No!
Way to go, chick from Alias.
You done made me swallow the key.
One car, again.
No backup, again.
Still don't think he's dirty?
I think we can make it.
They might shoot at us.
You do have feelings for me.
- They might hit me. - Well,
then both our troubles will be over.
Come on!
Hold it!
Cease fire, or your witness will be a Sloppy Joe!
Cease fire!
It's a dud, sir.
Now what?
Now I must do what we were trying to avoid.
Call Grimsley.
How's that?
No, put somethin' else on.
Man, forget it.
- Gimme some of that sludge. - What?
Some of that algae juice you drink, whatever the hell it is.
Yeah, here.
So good for you.
Hey, it ain't too bad.
I know.
Well, that was some good eatin'.
Where the hell is it?
Bingo.
You believe me now?
Maybe.
All right, we're making progress.
Now I'm gonna prove it.
I'm starving how about you?
I thought we couldn't use plastic.
Paper trail? Big Brother?
That was before I was sure
that Bodi and the Three Dwarves was working alone.
Nail clippers.
What?
Oh, God!
Sir, I strongly suggest you remove your boots.
You strongly suggest?
That's right.
Well, I'm going to have to firmly decline your strong suggestion.
Sir, please do not attempt to enter this area
without removing your boots.
Well, what happened to suggestion?
Your attitude is uncooperative.
Your attitude is snottier than a teething toddler with a head cold.
Sir?
you are behaving in a disruptive manner
that may violate federal law.
All right, I'll take off my boots.
But if I do, I got to warn you...
Don't warn me!
Warning a federal official may constitute a threat
under the Patriot Act.
Well, then I firmly suggest
that you get gas masks for everybody in this vicinity
'cause to be honest, last time I took these off in public,
I had skunks coming out waving white flags.
There is nothing funny about homeland security!
- You're shoutin'. - I'm not shouting!
Yeah, you are. Why are you shouting?
Because I am a deeply insecure,
petty bureaucrat with a domineering wife!
- And you have a gun. - You have a gun?
No, I don't have a gun, you have a gun.
Gun!
Get down!
Bitch!
Don't touch that!
- Hey! - I got him!
Somebody call the police!
Bad mistake.
Way to go, Michael Vick.
What is that?
I don't know, and I don't want to.
It's disgusting.
Is that hair?
Send in the expert.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
Is it a fuse?
No.
I mean the lumps.
There.
I don't know.
You're the expert.
I'm going in.
Better clear the area.
Let's get out of here.
Sir, I'm going to do a body cavity search.
I wouldn't if I was you.
It's procedure.
Officer down!
That's how it's done.
Sorry.
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, man.
Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap!
What's with him?
- Hey, it's Grimsley, you know? - Gentlemen,
I've seen better horsemanship on the merry-go-round.
I suggest you work on your game.
Otherwise, it's work
you'll be looking for.
Cheerio!
- Okay. - Okay.
Any calls I should know about?
A man named Bodi.
Get him.
Yes, sir, Mr. Grimsley.
That's him.
No question.
I understand why you put it on the grid.
But why did you let him go?
If you'd have smelled those feet, you'd have let him go, too.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'm not surprised
this man's feet caused an incident.
They reek of fear.
But I will follow that...
They were on the 8:30 to Chicago O'Hare.
They did not get on that flight.
I can assure you of that.
Arthur Grimsley.
Oh, yes. Mr. Grimsley.
I trust everything is in order.
Uh, no, um,
everything is not in order.
I couldn't care less about details.
Just get her back!
Under no circumstances must that woman appear in court.
Reach out for Wilford Duvall.
Look, if Bodi wasn't dirty,
I'd be on the no-fly list by now,
and that little ruckus would've landed me in jail.
Chocolate praline?
We need to find out who else is dirty.
Other than your mind?
Who was your prosecutor on the case?
Mark somebody, I think.
- Mark somebody. - Yeah.
Come, my precious,
I got you.
Dagnabbit.
Keep your seats, girls, I got it.
Clubhouse.
Hey, quit lighting farts and listen to me.
Yo, Larry!
Put the smart one on.
Hey, Bo.
Larry wants to speak at ya.
- Yo. - Do me a favor.
Go on that computer and punch in the DOJ website.
"Dyno-mite Jugs?"
Department of Justice.
Here's what I need. I need the name
of the U. S. attorney, Northern Illinois district
and the name of the first and second chair.
Bean bag and Barcalounger.
Call me back.
What?
How is that possible?
I mean, even in Chicago.
Hang on.
Mark Bedell.
Yeah, Mark, listen.
Uh, this here is the deputy director of, uh, operations,
uh, FBI Regionalized Field Office
in the, uh, South Central Division
here in the southern area uh, of the South.
Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, just one moment, please.
I got the Bureau on the other line.
I'll call you back.
How can I help you, Director?
Oh, just call me Larry.
Uh, this is about Operation Looker Cooker.
Uh, news travels fast, Larry.
Faster than Angelina Jolie adopting jungle pygmies.
What news?
I thought you were calling...
Uh, never mind, it can wait.
Why did you call?
Well, just to tell you
that Special Agent Bodi is no longer involved
in the protection of our key witness,
and that I have put myself personally in charge.
What do you think of that?
I think it's better late than never.
The disk has vanished from the evidence locker.
The disk has vanished from the evidence locker?
Yes.
You know what that means.
Uh, yes, I know exactly what that means.
And that knowledge sits heavy,
heavier than Michael Moore after a Las Vegas buffet.
Could be catastrophic.
And real bad, too.
Protect that witness, Larry.
Oh, you can count on me.
Her testimony is now more vital than ever.
Hey, listen, Mark. From now on,
just so we can prevent any more catastrophics,
I think you and I ought to speak
on a secure line, one-on-one.
Good idea, sir.
All right, I'm gonna call you back
- with some more particulars. - Yes, sir.
10-4.
Ten...
Good-bye, Larry.
What disk?
Well done, Mr. Duvall.
So what about Madeleine?
Oh, Bodi fumbled the cow hide.
You mean pig skin, sir.
Don't correct my use of idiom.
Just secure my witness.
Roger that.
No, don't roger it.
- Sir? - "Roger"...
is a British idiom for sexual intercourse.
I knew that.
I was just testing you.
Now you're testing my patience.
Get out.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. Hearty.
They didn't have any of that rabbit food you like to eat,
but I did get you some parsley and some hot sauce.
Strangely, my appetite has vanished.
Hey, traveling with you is better than the South Beach Diet.
Oops.
Sorry.
I didn't know it was loaded.
Hey, let me see if I can do it again.
Try it.
And I'll tell them that you consider facial hair an aphrodisiac.
If them fellers is African,
I'm watching the wrong Discovery Channel.
Your attempts at humor are feeble, juvenile, and bigoted.
A trifecta.
Let me ask you something. If you ever laughed,
will that nullificate your inheritance?
I laughed.
About those flannel pajamas, I laughed a lot.
That wasn't fun laughter.
That was to scorn me,
to make me believe I'm beneath you...
when in fact, you're beneath me.
Or anyway, you could be after four beers.
What inheritance?
A little garlic, some paprika,
genuine casing,
Dimkowski smoked sausage.
Unless I'm mistaken.
How long have you known?
Dimkowski of Chicago?
I mean, that's one of America's favorite meats!
I grew up in a smokehouse.
Did your little boyfriends try and kiss you
or lube you up with condiments?
I wouldn't eat another kielbasa if it meant world peace.
Yeah, the missing disk contains information
on the money Grimsley stole.
Oh, no, I'm starting to understand what you say.
What else is on the disk?
Access codes to numbered accounts in Sweden?
Switzerland, yeah.
And they're after you, because the codes have codes,
and you have the key.
You are a surprising individual, Larry.
That, however, was entirely predictable.
Hey, don't tell anybody.
That ringtone is really starting to grow on me.
Your secret's safe with me.
Hello.
Madeleine. Wilford Duvall here.
Wilford, this is a surprise.
You all right?
I can't imagine you're being concerned.
Who is it?
You'd be surprised.
Arthur's head of security.
- Give me the phone. - No.
Who is that? Are you alone?
Uh, yes, I am alone for a minute.
Can you talk?
I'll do my talking on the witness stand.
Tell that to your boss.
He doesn't know I'm reaching out for you.
Madeleine, let's talk, please.
- About what? - Me keeping you alive,
and you keeping me out of the penitentiary.
What kind of trouble are you in?
Arthur's panicking.
He wants to toss me overboard and sail off into the sunset.
I'm going to need more information.
What kind of leverage does he have on you, Wilford?
I don't want to say any more on the phone.
Come on, Madeleine, it's me.
I'll call you back.
On my cell.
Bye.
Well, it does laugh.
Yes, when something's actually funny.
Well played.
Larry?
Yes, Madeleine?
You smell like my childhood.
Well, now who's gettin' romantic?
It's not a turn-on, remember?
Well, I'm spoken for.
Run the trace with NSA SatNet.
The call was made from here.
They're staying off the interstates and toll roads.
Which is a complete waste of time
because wherever they use their cell phones,
it's like sending up a flare.
And we're in a pancake house,
Barry Bonds takes steroids,
and the Pope wears a funny hat.
I'm going to kill you, Agent Orange.
As soon as this is all over,
I'm going to kill you.
So just how well do you know this Duvall feller?
Ex-military.
Very thorough.
I shook his hand once.
It was like being grabbed by a steel lobster.
Ooh, what's going on?
Hey, it's a parade!
Lemonade? It's only 25 cents.
Larry, give me some money.
Here you go. Keep the change.
God bless you, ma'am.
God bless you.
Oh, thank you, gorgeous. Thank you.
Lemonade.
Perfect.
Hey, what's your plan?
If Duvall's with us, let's find out.
If he's against us...
Let's find out.
Hey, we're a team.
T-double E-M.
I don't know, it's like Michael Jackson trying to run a day care center.
- It don't make no sense. - What?
A fella buyin' Pamprin. It just don't...
I comprehend the crude similes,
but what they're intended to illustrate eludes me.
Look, if this Duvall fella's on the up and up,
then how come he contacted you personally
and not the FBI?
I mean, come on, he's a military man.
These fellas gotta go through channels.
Do you think he's attempting subterfuge?
Plus he's trying to fool us.
Look, wait here.
Alone?
If I get killed or captured
or knocked in the head with a ball peen-hammer, call Doc Savage.
On my two-way wrist TV?
That's Dick Tracy. Rondog Savage.
My brother-in-law.
He's the medical examiner around this area.
Black sheep of the family.
He married my sister Bernice.
Boy, she is a big'un.
We went to the Daytona 500,
and she wore a Goodyear T-shirt,
and some pilot crawled up her ass and tried to fly her.
Anyway...
Doc's in the book. You get in trouble, call him.
He'll help you.
Who are you?
I'm Larry.
Man, my hand ain't been this sore since the first episode of Baywatch.
Where's Madeleine?
Don't worry, she's safer than Anna Cornucopia at a gay bar.
I'm her handler, and believe me, she's a lot to handle.
What the hell'd you do that for?
I'm under a lot of stress. I don't have time for bullshit.
Stress? Ha!
Try driving around with Leona Helmsley for about two days
with crooked FBI agents shooting at ya.
You didn't see me sucker-punchin' people that are trying to help me.
What do you mean, crooked FBI agents?
Hold on there, Mr. Cage Deathmatch.
You called the meeting.
That's why I ask the questions.
Such as...
If you don't even know that Ricardo Bodi's working with Arthur Grimsley,
how do you expect to keep Madeleine alive?
I knew that. I was just testing you.
How can I trust you?
- Trust me? - Yeah, trust ya.
Trust this.
Oh. That was a fear fart.
Sorry.
Go, go.
Go!
I'm in! Go! Go! Go!
What are we gonna do now?
Hell if I know.
Man, this sucks.
You know, I always wanted to be a G-man.
Seems like the higher up I get, the more crookeder it gets.
I know. That's what I found out working for Arthur.
I am sick and tired of running for my life.
I thought that was your policy.
When folks is shootin' at me, run.
Who said this?
I'd rather get into a hearse for my own funeral.
I did.
You know, the only way to get them folks to back off
is if you give them the key to the access codes.
Or if I'm dead.
Wait a minute. Sure, I can kill ya.
Then I'd have a lot of explaining to do.
No, I don't mean really kill me.
Go, Wally.
Yup.
Well...
I'm gonna miss you, Cocoa Brown.
Been through a lot together.
You know all my secrets,
my moves.
I don't know how I'm ever gonna replace you.
I'm gonna regret this.
Whoa.
Damn.
Man.
That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The truck was a piece of shit, Larry.
Yeah, well, maybe to you, Miss Lamborganini.
Born with a silver hotlink in your hoo-ha.
Have a little class.
You're lecturing me about class,
with your skid-mark underwear
and your family tree out of Deliverance?
Look, having money ain't the same thing thing as having class.
I mean, ain't you ever had a prized possession?
One-eyed teddy bear
or a piece of glass polished by the sea?
Of course not.
When you can buy everything,
sacrificing something don't mean nothing.
I haven't even gotten your malapropisms yet.
Malaprop... You liberals.
Oh, you got an "ism" for everything.
Stop being such a baby.
Okay, so you had to give up your truck.
I have to trust my life to a backwoods physician named Doc Savage.
Well, that's true, but I also had to give up my possum.
Oh. Wally.
Stop it, you gonna make me cry.
I thought Botox was just for them over-the-hill actresses.
It is.
In small doses, it smoothes out wrinkles.
What about large doses?
It can be fatal.
What did you say?
What is that?
My wife.
Bernice, my sister.
Remember the one I was telling you about.
Cute.
Oh, it's okay. She's just taking a pee.
Now, this here is my own special formula.
I call it Botox elite.
The trick is to use just the right amount so that she look dead,
but that she can be revived easily with the anec-a-dote.
Ronald! Ronald!
Oh, I'm coming, Bernice.
sometimes she needs help with the, uh...
I really don't wanna know.
Thank you.
Get up here!
This may take a while.
Nitrous.
It's hot.
Hurry up. They're coming.
No.
Yes.
Hey, Larry! Larry! Get up!
You sure she's gonna come out of this?
Uh, pretty sure.
Say what?
Well, Botox ain't exactly my field of expertise.
I've been working on a fat dissolver for Bernice.
Welcome, gentlemen.
Would you care to sign the guest register?
Oh, it won't be necessary.
We'd prefer to pay our respects anonymously.
As you wish.
How did it happen?
Well, it was a vehicular mishap.
She hit the nitrous switch instead of the cigarette lighter.
Was she alone?
There were no other bodies.
Where are her personal effects?
Uh, there are no personal effects that I know of.
She sure looks good.
And so young.
Must be that joy juice she always drank.
Not even a wrinkle.
Not even a worry line to be found.
Not even a scratch.
Let's make sure she's really dead.
All right, you bastards.
Look what you've done!
She's dead. She's dead.
You want proof?
There!
How's that?
Dead enough?
Larry, control yourself.
My little innocent lamb.
What do you think?
He's nuts.
And monkeys throw shit at the zoo.
She was so young.
I need that key.
Forget the key. It's perfect. Don't you see?
She's dead, and we had nothing to do with it.
He's right.
With her dead, the key is worthless without the disk.
The whole case will collapse.
Governor.
We were never here.
Who was never here?
Good man.
All right, let's bring her back now.
Okay.
This better work, or I'll tell Bernice
you've been hiding the Ding-Dongs on her.
Oh, Jesus, Larry. Don't even joke like that.
Sweet potato.
Come out of it.
It's Larry.
Talk to me!
Come out of it. This is Larry.
Speak to me, Madeleine.
Oh, that's not Christian.
That's for slapping me around.
That didn't hurt.
You hit like a girl.
Why can't we just call Mark Bedell?
Oh, yeah, that'll work. He already lost the disk
and turned you over to a bunch of crooked G-men.
I think we can do better than that.
But Larry, why go this way?
Because you're dead, and I'm out of cash.
No.
No, absolutely not.
Aw, come on. This'll be fun.
I can't believe I'm actually going to do this.
I'll go first.
Forget it, forget it.
Although you're certainly driving me to the edge of suicide,
I'm not ready to actually jump.
Well, have it your way.
You okay?
We look like a couple chicken-fried steaks!
This is Chicago, huh?
Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
Boy, I sure wish Connie was here to see this.
Who?
Connie, my girl.
The waitress.
Yeah.
Boy, she is all woman.
Well, here it is.
Look at this, "The winning team
"automatically gets invited to the Summer Solstice Ball,
which is inside the mansion!"
When I win that game, I'll be right in the belly of the beast.
Do you know how to play polo?
Well, no.
But I know horses, and I know balls.
- I mean, how hard could it be? - Right.
I'm coming with you.
When Hillary bakes a batch of cookies, you are.
Well, you can't do it alone, Larry.
Why? 'Cause I'm, as you say, dumber than a barrel of hair?
Well, now that you mention it.
Look, you're dead.
They might get suspicious.
Oh, come on. I'll go incognito.
You got to wear underwear.
I mean, I'll wear a disguise.
You in disguise? That ain't gonna happen.
What, you don't think I can pull it off?
Look, why don't you leave the law enforcement
to the professionals?
Why don't you?
I'm sorry, Larry. I didn't mean that.
Hey, smell this.
What do you think you're doing?
This ain't the rodeo?
Here we go!
Hyah, now.
Oh, hey!
Velma Hanes, New Orleans.
- Morgana Grimsley. - Oh!
Lilian Grimoire, Duchess of Darbish.
Enchant�.
Who is that?
That's my cousin Larry!
Aw, damn!
Here we go!
Damn.
Oh, one for the Queen!
You're playing dirty, Grimsley.
Piss off.
What the...
Real nice.
Polo, they call it.
Yep. Real civilized, like.
Yeah, to me it's more like demolition derby with horses.
And that's how I'm gonna play.
Get off me.
Grimsley, get your stick off me.
There you go. Get the ball!
Grimsley.
Whoo-hoo! Larry!
- Whoo-hoo! - No breeding.
Plenty of class, though.
All of it low!
You know, having class
ain't the same thing as having money.
Get off me.
All right? Come on.
Hey!
Yes!
Well played, for a hillbilly.
Hey, I won.
That means I get to go to your big hoedown tonight.
- In your dreams. - No,
I dream about getting a nut rub
from Scarlett Johansson.
That ain't gonna happen.
Nor will you be attending the ball.
Not even if I have the key to get in?
Darling,
don't get too close to this diseased rabble.
Oh, beaten by a farmhand.
Pathetic!
Come now, ladies, let's be gracious.
Larry was victorious today.
Therefore, we will have the pleasure of his company
tonight at the ball.
What the hell are you doing here?
You're gonna blow everything.
No, I told you I could pull it off.
Just shut up and act natural.
So it's a date, then, tonight.
Yeah, will do it. Thank you.
Oh, I need a drink.
He is falling right into my trap.
That girl looks familiar.
No.
She just has one of those familiar... asses.
Man, I hate wearing these uppity clothes.
Hoo, boy! Don't you look finer than box seats at the Monster Truck?
And you clean up pretty nice...
yourself.
Well, we all have our assets.
You know, I really don't think you ought to come.
Yeah, well, somebody's got to distract Grimsley
while you're looking for the disk.
Yeah, but it could be dangerous.
Unlike being chased, shot at, and jumping off bridges?
Larry, you and I,
we're a team.
T-double E-M, "teem."
Let me get my hat.
You're gonna love this.
I don't like it.
Maybe I won't wear a hat.
There's a lot of people not...
- Now that I like. - Better.
- Let's go do some good. - Yes.
Team activate.
One last question.
Where's the key?
Welcome, Larry!
Oh, Miss Hanes, you look ravishing tonight.
Thank you.
Tell you what, your decorators must've been busier
than a blow-up doll at a frat party.
Boy, tell you what,
that beef jerky and marmalade ain't sittin' too good.
Hey, you got a crapper?
I gotta go pinch out a grumpy.
Oh, down the hallway, second to the left.
Hope it's got a plunger.
Let's adjourn to the ballroom,
shall we?
May I?
Don't touch a thing, Doughboy.
This stuff is priceless.
I want that disk.
I want that key.
Why don't you come and get it?
Crouching tiger.
Winded walrus.
May I have this dance?
Yes!
Madeleine.
Let me shake your hand.
I'm gonna shove that BlackBerry up where it's gonna be a BrownBerry.
Good save.
How long have you known?
I suspected from the start.
But I wasn't sure until I got close enough to smell you.
Funny, all I smell is the stench of your corruption.
Oh, you used to love my smell.
That was before you dumped me.
Oh, that was a horrible mistake.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Do come back, Madeleine.
I've changed, Arthur.
I have to do the right thing.
Then do the right thing.
You can say anything you want on the stand.
I have the disk.
And without physical evidence,
no jury in Cook County will take your word over mine.
I have the key.
Oh, do give it to me, and I will give you half of everything.
Forget it.
Oh, whoa!
Hold on, hold on.
Is this really 4th century?
Yes, it is. Roman.
Why, it's a beautiful piece.
Where's that disk?
Go to hell.
Is that your final answer?
If you won't talk, maybe this will.
Complicated, huh?
No way.
That is cool.
Bingo.
Well, we can have a shoot-out.
And I surely will die.
But so will you.
Make me an offer.
Why don't you come back from the dark side?
Help me put Grimsley in the big house,
and I'll tell everybody you and I was in this together.
The dark side's more fun.
So is shooting out a window with a potato gun.
I've got a better idea, Larry.
Wait in the car.
You let me go,
clear out the safe,
say there wasn't nothin' in it.
I can do all that after I kill you.
Yeah, but my way's better.
That way, nobody hears the gunshots,
and you ain't got to worry about
disposing of a two hundred and six...
eighteen-pound law man.
Deal...
or no deal?
Would you like to call a friend?
- Wrong show. - No, it ain't. Regis host...
Never mind.
Deal?
Yeah.
Good luck to you.
- Take care of yourself, Larry. - I'll do it.
Hey, Enron,
you trying to diddle my cousin?
Get lost, white trash.
Who you calling white trash, you phony sack of shit?
Get out,
or I'll break Madeleine's pretty little neck.
Go ahead, I got a whole passel of cousins.
Did you say Madeleine?
He knows, Larry.
Does he know the lighter's the key, too?
He does now.
Oh, damn.
Now I'm madder than a two-fingered cripple
trying to return a text message.
Let's go to the swap meet.
What do you want?
The key?
Or the girl?
That's a tough question.
Larry!
I'll take the lady.
Oh, you're not as stupid as you look.
Larry.
I'm impressed. You chose me over your duty.
Well,
not really.
What did you give Arthur?
Don't tell my heart
My achy breaky heart
I just don't think he'd understand
And if you tell my heart
My achy breaky heart
I might blow up and kill this man
- Here they come! - There they are!
- Good job, Larry. - Thanks.
Hey, but Grimsley has the key.
No problem, we got a copy.
We kept it separate from the evidence locker.
Well, I guess you wouldn't fall in a barrel of titties
and come out sucking your thumb.
Mr. Grimsley, do you have a statement?
How do you feel about Madeleine turning her back on you?
Larry,
you're better than any FBI agent I've ever worked with.
Why not make it official?
I appreciate the offer, Mark.
Once upon a time, I'd have took you up on that.
Nope, I'm just a small-town boy at heart.
Good luck then, Larry.
Thank you. Madeleine?
- In a minute. - Okay.
Well?
You sure you don't want to stick around?
No, I did my job.
Tell you what, I'm gonna miss that pond sludge of yours.
I'm gonna miss your bodily functions.
Really?
No!
Bye, Larry.
I'll see you around,
Longshanks.
I would've retired years ago
but I didn't think you could handle the job.
But I was wrong.
Thanks, Sheriff.
Ex-Sheriff.
Not so fast, boys.
Thanks, Con.
I didn't think I'd ever see you again, except maybe on Cops.
Well, guess I had to take the long way around
to figure out what I really wanted was just to be with you.