KAREN: So we have aisle seats,
we have a couple of drinks, and we get to the airport.
Neither of us speaks a word of Italian, by the way. (CHUCKLING)
So this guy thinks he'll be able to find his luggage if he speaks pig Latin.
ALL: Ah.
Yeah, that's right. I said, "looking for bags."
But it came out, "ook-in-lay or-fay ags-bay."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That is too funny.
I said "that's it. I'm never leaving the country again."
Joel can't even leave the upper West Side of Manhattan.
That's true. For me, the perfect vacation
is getting a cheese Danish from zabar's
and curling up with the Sunday times.
(CHUCKLING)
So do you still read the times?
Oh, boy. Kyle thinks the times has gone downhill.
Now, I beg to differ.
It's nothing but a worthless yellow rag.
We've been having this fight since the day we met.
- Well, it probably seems that way. - Hmm.
No, we literally met when we were both on a panel
at the guggenheim debating the merits of the New York times.
And I said, "who is this know-it-all girl?"
And I thought, "who is this pompous guy?"
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Anyway, our heated discussion
continued over a bottle of Merlot.
Let's just say the discussing part stopped, but the heated part continued.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Okay.
For better or worse, we've been together ever since.
Probably worse, right?
Oh, definitely for worse. It's awful.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So, Joel, Molly, how'd you two meet?
- Oh, boy. That's a long story. - Yeah.
Oh, we've got time. Waiter! More wine.
Well, it's kind of a corny, romantic comedy kind of story.
That's true. That is true.
Really? How so?
Well, Joel is kind of a typical romantic comedy leading man.
He's handsome, but in a non-threatening way.
Yeah, I can see that.
Vaguely but not overtly Jewish.
You're right. He's just Jewish enough.
And Molly is the kind of cute, klutzy girl that sometimes will drive you a little crazy,
but you can't help but fall in love with her.
Guilty.
- Okay. So we have our main characters. - Not quite.
There is another character that was just as important as the two of us.
- Mmm. - New York City.
Ah! Mmm.
So New York City is like another character?
Yeah.
So if there was a movie about your relationship,
it would probably start with aerial shots of the Manhattan skyline.
Exactly.
(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
JOEL: I was living in a loft on Broadway and 86th street,
and I had a girlfriend at the time, Tiffany.
She worked in the fashion industry.
Very put together. Never had a hair out of place.
But there was something cold about her.
- Hey, you. - Hey.
I love you.
Mmm, and I admire your spirit.
Thanks.
MOLLY: And I was just getting over a break-up,
so the closest thing I had to a boyfriend was my dog, Charlie.
Hey, handsome!
(GROUP LAUGHING)
MOLLY: I wasn't all put together like Tiffany.
In fact, as Joel said earlier, I was a real klutz.
Oh.
JOEL: Klutz is the understatement of the century.
(GROUP LAUGHING)
Oh, no!
(SINGING ALONG)
(BOTH SINGING)
(WHISTLING)
Oh!
Ugh!
JOEL: See, New York is such an important part of our lives,
it's almost like another character in our story.
KYLE: Right. You said that.
MOLLY: I really didn't feel like I needed a love life, you know?
In fact, New York City was almost like a boyfriend to me.
KAREN: Oh, right.
- KYLE: That is so good. - KAREN: Very good.
KYLE: That's very good. That's very cool.
MOLLY: Most importantly, I had my little candy shop, upper sweet side.
I was living my dream of owning a shop that was
charming and adorable, and impossible not to like.
You guys have not lived until you've tried my creamy caramel clusters.
- They're better than sex! - (JOEL AND KYLE CHUCKLING)
When you've been married as long as we have,
taking a stinky shit is better than having sex.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Only in New York, right?
MOLLY: Anyway, I was in no rush to meet someone new.
I was mainly concerned about trying to keep my business afloat.
So many mom and pop shops being elbowed out
by faceless evil conglomerates like csr.
KAREN: Wait a minute.
JOEL: That's right.
I was an executive at candy systems and research.
I was the bad guy!
I didn't think of myself as a corporate raider.
I thought of myself as a nice guy with a great job.
So he went down on me, and I came in one second. (CHUCKLES)
Morning, Melanie.
Oh, my boss is here. I'll call you later. Bye, dad.
JOEL: I had everything there, corner office,
the expense account, the sexy girlfriend.
I felt like I was ready to take the next step.
Bob, my best friend!
Joel, my best buddy!
Guess what? After years of dating Tiffany,
I'm finally popping the question.
Wow. So I guess you're finally dealing with those commitment issues you have.
Yeah, I even bought her a ring and everything.
Amazing. Because until now
the only thing you've been willing to commit to
are your commitment issues.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
It's true.
I'm happy for you, buddy.
Thanks, man.
Hey, catch!
(BOTH YELL)
He's got it!
- He's got a football! - Think quick!
- Boom! Boom! - Right there! Down and out, buttonhook!
Go deep! Go deeper!
(SCREAMING)
Holy shit, Bob!
- BOB: Joel! - Oh, god!
(GRUNTING)
- JOEL: Grab my hand! - BOB: Pull me up!
- JOEL: Grab my hand! - Hey, Joel.
BOB: Joel?
What do you want, Trevor?
Congrats on snaggin' the dickricker account.
Yeah, right. Sure.
You ready for the big meeting with Roland?
I'd hate for you guys to screw everything up again, like you did last time.
So now I'm in line for the big promotion.
Not you.
Pretty funny, huh?
- BOB: Joel? A little help here, buddy. - TREVOR: Oh, Joel...
Is your girlfriend Tiffany home right now?
Yeah, she should be. Why?
No reason.
What the...
Sounds like this Trevor guy's trying to get it on with your girlfriend.
Well, in retrospect, I agree with you,
but at the time it seemed like he was just grabbing a condom
out of the rubber bowl and headin' over to meet my girlfriend.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
So, as you all know, we begin construction today
on our next candy systems and research superstore.
First order of business, to suss out the competition.
Are there any other nearby candy stores we need to
know about?
The only one we could find is just this really small
quirky candy shop across the street from our location.
It's called upper sweet side, NYC.
Kind of a dumb name for a store, huh?
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's so stupid.
No, I think it's kind of clever. I like it.
What was that, Joel?
Nothing, sir.
That'll be $100,000 dollars.
I'm just kidding. It's all free.
Oh, I love my little shop, Wanda.
It's what I've always dreamed of,
ever since I was a little girl.
And it's never going anywhere.
Nothing is ever going to threaten it.
- Oh, no. - What?
They're building a candy systems and research superstore
- directly across the street from us. - (GASPS)
MOLLY: Oh, my god! They'll put us out of business!
Discovering this information is a huge turn of events.
You weren't kidding. Your story really is like a corny movie.
I know. The only difference is it's not a movie.
It's our real life.
So with a superstore going up across the street,
I went to go see my accountant.
- Hi, Molly. - Hi, Mr. flaps.
Oh, please. My friends call me eggbert.
Then they must not be very good friends.
No, that's just my name. Eggbert. Or eggman, for short.
I know. It's kind of a lame name, but what can you do?
(CHUCKLING)
How about we take a gander at those documentos?
- Yes, please. (CLEARS THROAT) - Right.
So, Molly, how is your love life?
You livin' la vida loca?
Um, well, not really, eggman.
I'm guessing you heard that frank and I finally broke up.
I did hear. Yeah.
I heard about your divorce. I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
- I... - It's just one of those things.
We wanted different things.
I wanted a family, to settle down, start a life together.
- And what did she want? - Who can say?
I guess you'd have to ask my brother.
Oh.
Is he here? Can I ask him?
Yes. Keith.
- You have a second? - What's up?
Hey, Keith. I was just wondering,
what did Hillary want that was different than what eggbert wanted?
Uh, she just wanted to travel more,
she wanted to focus on her photo-journalism career.
And marriage just wasn't conducive to that.
- Thanks, Keith. - Thanks, Keith.
Listen, I am lookin' over these numbers,
and just goin' off this data...
- You have breast cancer. - What?
Corporately speaking.
Oh. Oh.
Your business has, at best, six months to live.
Oh, my god, are you serious?
See for yourself.
Wow. You are serious.
Listen, Molly, would this be an awkward time
to ask if maybe you'd like to go out with me sometime?
Um...
Don't answer. Just think about it.
That's very sweet of you, eggfart,
but I think I'm just gonna focus on me for now.
Totally. You've gotta take time for yourself, you know.
I think maybe I should go...
No, please. I think I'm gonna go...
- Oh, you're gonna go? - Yeah.
JOEL: Before I proposed to Tiffany, I wanted to run it by my buddies
that I play ball with at the local playground.
They always tell it like it is.
ALL: Basketball, basketball, basketball...
Hey, guys. Looks like our buddy Joel here
is finally gettin' ready to pop the question.
Pretty great, right?
Hey, don't ask me. I can hardly commit to a second date half the time.
If you know what I mean! Watch out!
Swish!
I think love is really abstract, you know?
It's like a Summer breeze. You can't see it, but you can feel it.
(BOB CHUCKLING)
Mr. poet. Look at you, always with your head in the clouds.
Gloves make a poor present for a man with no hands.
BOB: Okay, that's enough.
Come on. Are you guys kiddin' me?
The point of love is to get laid, if you catch my meaning.
And I'm talkin' about sexual intercourse. Two points!
TOMMY: Swish!
Do not listen to Mr. chronically-single- always-dating-some-new-hot-chick guy!
Being married is great. That's the point of view I represent.
Deb and I have been married for eight years,
and it's better now than when we first met.
TOMMY: Swish!
Oh, okay, Mr. has-to-go-home-early- 'cause-he-can't-hang-out-with-the-boys-
'cause-he's-gotta- spend-time-with-his-wife guy.
Yeah, that's right.
You get it now, Mr. combines-traits- that-each-of-us-represents-
and-all-you-need-to-do-is-put-it-all-together - and-you'll-be-just-fine guy?
You know what? You guys make a lot of sense.
I'm gonna go propose.
TOMMY: Swish!
Hey, wait!
Thanks, guys.
Hello?
Tiffany?
(WOMAN MOANING)
Hello?
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Hello?
Tiffany?
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Hello?
Tiffany?
Hello?
(MOANING AND CLATTERING)
Ah! Tiffany?
Uh...
I've been thinking a lot about our relationship.
(MOANING LOUDLY)
- TIFFANY: Oh, like that. - And
I think we have hit that point where
it's time to talk about the next step.
Oh, god! Oh, god!
A little nervous.
Tiffany Amber thigpen, will you marry me?
- Joel? - Tiffany?
- Hey, Joel. - Trevor?
Joel, I've been having an affair with Trevor for over a year now.
How could you do this to me?
Look, I didn't want you to find out like this. I can explain.
It's not what it looks like.
Wait! Joel!
Shit!
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC)
Taxi!
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, give me another one. And make it a double.
You look like you've had a bad day.
Yeah. Tell me about it.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
You can say that again.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Tell me about it.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Tell me about it.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Tell me about it.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Well, you came in here looking like crap,
and you haven't said very much.
Tell me about it.
Well, you came in here looking like...
Okay. We get the point.
So what happened next?
I was just devastated. So the next morning
I went for a jog with my crazy younger brother, Jake.
JAKE: Huge bummer about Tiffany, bro'. If you're really hurting
I can stay at your place for a few more months,
just to make sure you're okay.
Little brother, when are you gonna get your act together and get a job?
I do have a job. I'm the president and ceo of the bacon boot.
We're the fastest-growing edible boot company
in the whole entire country!
Your bacon boot company consists of you
and the business cards you printed up, funded by yours truly.
Aw, for Pete's sake! Why are you always tryin' to shoot me down, big brother?
Look, I've gotta start somewhere, don't I?
Hey, look, it's okay to dream big,
but dreams aren't gonna put cash in your pocket.
- Yes, but big brother... - Hey, no "buts."
Look, I have a dream, too. I want to open my own coffee shop.
But at least I understand that money doesn't grow on trees.
What...
It's not always so easy when your big brother is Mr. perfect.
Hey, wait up, would you?
BOB: Joel, you're not gonna like this.
Roland gave Trevor the dickricker account.
And now you're the point person on that new candy superstore venture.
That rat! First he steals my girlfriend,
then he steals the dickricker account!
Oh, hey, Joel. Sorry about the dickricker account.
Looks like you won't be getting that promotion after all. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Why don't you just take a jerk, you hike!
Oh, and Tiffany wanted me to say hi. We live together now.
She really said hi?
What she actually said was, "oh, god, Trevor, don't stop.
"Your dick is so fat and greasy and amazing."
"Greasy and amazing," and then he went on to say,
"Trevor, you have such a hot, throbbing cock"
"and I want to get all juicy on your cock."
Okay, so when is the part where the two of you meet?
Ah, right. That was the same day that I got
- a phone call from my best friend, Brenda. - (PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - BRENDA: Hi, Molly.
I just wanted to tell you that Bob and I are
having a Halloween party on Saturday,
and the fun part is, Bob's inviting a friend of his who's the triple crown,
he's straight, single and cute. You should totally come.
Plus Brenda's bringing a friend who's apparently
very cute and very single.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Bob. I'll tell you, Halloween scares me.
Ghosts I'm fine with, ghouls and goblins, not so much.
You're full of it, buddy. I'll see you at the party.
All right. Look, Bob. Here's the real truth.
About three years ago, I was attacked by a group of trick-or-treat-ers.
About 30 of them.
They pinned me down, and they said,
"dick or teat?"
It was obviously a play on, you know, "trick or treat?"
Yeah.
They made me choose between their dicks and their teats.
It was awful.
Joel, I know that. It was all over the news that year.
But come on, man. You've gotta get over it, buddy.
Let me think about it, okay?
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
JAKE: It's Halloween, Joel. Why don't you go to that party?
I'm just not into the whole "Halloween costume" thing.
You know, I mean, what's the point?
You go to a party, people say, "who are you?"
I say, "I'm Ben Franklin," and they go, "great!"
And then you're you again.
Except now I've got knickers and a bald cap. And for what?
Because it's fun, Joel.
Forget it. I'm not going.
MOLLY: I don't know, Wanda. I just don't think
I can go to that Halloween party.
And what if I see frank? And Mia, the yoga teacher?
You can't let stupid old frank run your life.
You've gotta go to that party and you gotta be fierce!
But even if I wanted to go to the party, I don't have a costume.
Well, guess what? You do now,
because you can have my costume.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my god, Wanda! Thank you!
No. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, get out of here! I got a party to go to!
MOLLY: Wait!
Thanks.
Wait!
Shit.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
My bobbing apples!
My party tomatoes!
Watch where you're going!
Like it was my fault!
Yeah, well, I didn't run into myself.
Wow. You're rude.
You're a jerk.
Look mister thang, you bumped into me.
- Hardly. - Oh, please!
You're so lucky that I am late for a party right now
where my friends are gonna introduce me to an exciting new woman!
Let me tell you something. I'm about to go to a party
where I'm gonna meet an exciting new guy! So see you later.
Yeah, see you never!
Well, I'm going this way, so see you later!
I'll see you later. I'm going this way.
Oh, great! Your party is in the same building as mine.
Well, luckily, we will be separating momentarily
when we go to our different parties.
Luckily, yes.
Oh, great. Looks like our parties are on the same floor, too.
Talk about bad luck.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
BOTH: Oh, god damn it!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Joel! - Molly!
- They came together. - Oh.
BOTH: No, we didn't.
Nice. Come on.
So, I guess you guys already met, huh?
Unfortunately, yes.
To my great chagrin.
Chagrin? Who even says that?
Uh, Roland!
(BOB CHUCKLES)
- Hello, man. - Oh. How did you know?
Great costume!
Thanks. Yours, too.
Vampires.
Where's the bathroom?
Oh, yeah. Straight through that door on the right.
- Yeah. I think I ate something weird. - Don't worry.
(LOCK CLICKS)
(WHIMPERS)
Who designed these stupid things?
No, no, no, no...
So, uh, what do you do?
I'm an entrepreneur. I own my own business.
I'm a development exec over at candy systems and research.
You ever heard of it?
Candy systems and research? Csr?
Yeah. What of it?
(SCOFFS)
Unbelievable.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
How do you sleep at night?
Usually I'll Jack off, and then I can sleep pretty soundly.
(CRYING)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
El bano esta ocupado!
(GROANS)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
So, um, Bob tells me you're an amateur birdwatcher.
What's your favorite bird?
The Turkey.
Good.
Do you watch a lot of TV? What's your favorite show?
I don't watch TV. I think it brutalizes the senses.
Okay.
I can see this is going nowhere fast.
(BOTH MOUTHING)
So, uh, Molly...
Listen, before you ask me any more questions
from the icebreaker handbook, here's the 411.
Upper sweet side, NYC. Does the name ring a bell?
- Yeah. Little candy shop? - Ding! Ding! Ding!
Give the man a prize. He's a winner!
"What has he won, Johnny?" "A new car!"
Yes, that is my store. And I put my whole life into it.
- (SNEEZES) - JOEL: Molly, I had no idea.
MOLLY: The only line you care about is the bottom line.
Look, are you the kind of person that I feel
a strong connection to? Yes.
Do I find you cute and funny? Yes.
Could you be the guy that I could fall for and live with forever? Yes.
But the point is, you're a corporate robot.
And so, it is with great pleasure that I say to you,
go jump in a lake, meathead!
(ALL GASPING)
Molly! Wait, Molly!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Shit.
I'll have what she's having. (CHUCKLES)
You are having what she's having. It's all the same food.
The pasta and the beans and the lentils.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, Roland?
You wanna tell me why your super-hero costume
is lyin' on the bathroom floor filled with shit?
What?
Oh, my god. What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
You shit your pants. And then you took a shower.
And you just left your costume lyin' on the floor, didn't you?
Did not!
Roland, that is disgusting!
Whoa. Wait a minute. Let me explain.
My costume was itching me, so I went into the bathroom
and changed into Mr. taking-a-shower-guy costume
and just left the costume in there.
Why is there shit all over the washcloths, too?
The washcloths are just for show!
- Those are brand new washcloths. - Oh.
The only thing I can guess
is somebody else must have gone into the bathroom,
put my costume on, shit in it,
and left it there.
That is the only logical explanation.
All right,
which one of you people went into the bathroom
put my costume on, and shit in it?
Wow. I'm disappointed in you people.
(DOOR OPENS)
I gotta go.
I'm disgusted with everyone.
Who do you think it was?
So, what did you think of Molly?
What a nightmare! God!
Yeah, she's attractive and smart and funny.
She's exactly the type of person
I could see myself falling in love with.
But boy, with an attitude like that,
it's no wonder she can't find a date.
Molly.
Wait! He didn't mean what...
Shit.
So it wasn't love at first sight, was it?
Are you really asking us that?
Were you not listening to the story?
No, I'm... (STAMMERS) Forget it.
Anyway, after that debacle, I assumed I'd never see him again.
But then, a few days later, I was browsing in my favorite used bookshop
and guess who was there?
Who?
Joel.
Me.
(GASPS) Wanda, that's him!
That's the jerk I met at Bob and Brenda's Halloween party.
Oh, lordy. Ooh, this could get ugly.
- Hey. - Hi.
Howdy.
Hi. Again. What are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Looking for a book. What are you doing here?
I'm a regular here.
Yeah. Regular beanbag. (CHUCKLES)
You know, maybe you'd feel more comfortable
in a corporate mega-bookstore chain like brams and nerbils.
Why don't you just calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down! What if I don't want to calm down?
Stop trying to fix me!
Okay. I'm going to step out of the crossfire here.
Yeah. Me, too.
Look, missy, my brother and I are here
to buy something for our bubby.
Oh, your... bubby?
Yeah. My bubby. My grandmother.
I had a grandmother. Her name was Arlene crabtree.
She died recently. We were very close.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
Can I help you find something for your bubby?
Well, uh, I'm looking for maybe a fiction book.
You like fiction books?
Just because I work for a big corporation
doesn't mean I don't like fiction books.
In fact, fiction books is one of my favorite kinds of books.
You have to be kidding me!
Do you like fiction?
Like it? Try "love it"!
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my god. That's crazy!
I've never met anyone else who likes fiction!
That is too funny.
- That is literally too funny. - (BOTH CHUCKLING)
Well, uh...
I should probably get going.
Yeah, sure. We've got... I've got books...
Yeah. All right.
- Joel, wait! - Hmm. Yeah?
I might have judged you too harshly at the party.
I know this sounds crazy,
but would you like to have a me of coffee with cup?
What?
Do you want a cup of me with koo-fie?
Would you like to have a cup of moffie with kee? With me.
A cup of coffee. With hoo.
What the fuck are you saying?
Do you want to have coffee with me?
I think you're asking me if I'd like to have a cup of coffee with you.
Yes. Thank you. That's what I'm trying to ask.
(CHUCKLING)
Coffee sounds great.
Half-caf decaf.
No foam, hold the foam, no cream...
What happened to just a good old fashioned cup of coffee?
I know. It's all so confusing!
It is! It is so confusé.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
That's how you say "confusing" in France.
What are we doin'?
Oh, my god, this is all happening so fast.
I can't.
My aunt flo is visiting.
You're on your period?
No. My aunt flo is visiting me from Florida.
Hey, aunt flo.
How about we get that coffee, huh?
So what will you have?
Um, I'll have a low-fat, sugar-free banana yogurt muffin.
- Okay. - But if they don't have that,
I'll have half a poppy-seed muffin,
if they can take out all the poppy seeds and heat it up.
- Okay. - Hold on!
If they can't heat it up, then leave half the poppy seeds in
and sprinkle the other half of the poppy seeds
on one half of a blueberry muffin
and then cut both halves in half, and throw them both away.
- Oh. - In either scenario,
I want a lemon-chocolate loaf, but this is very important,
it must be shrink-wrapped. And more importantly,
it must smell more like lemon than chocolate. Got it?
(CHUCKLES) That's how you order a muffin?
What? I want things the way I want them.
You're pretty adorable when you get all fussy like that.
SERVER: May I help who's next?
Yes. Okay, so she'll have a low-fat, sugar-free banana yogurt muffin.
If you don't have that, then half of a poppy-seed muffin
with the poppy seeds taken out and heated up.
If you can't heat it up, then take half the poppy seeds out
and sprinkle the other half on top
of the half of a blueberry muffin,
cut both halves in half, and then throw them both away.
In either scenario, she'll have a lemon-chocolate loaf,
but, and this is really important,
only if it's shrink-wrapped. And even more importantly,
if it smells more like lemon than chocolate.
And I'll have a coffee, please.
Great.
Coffee to number three!
Who are you?
- You know what I like? - What?
Q-tips.
- Me, too. - You do?
The kind with the pieces of cotton at each end?
Yeah, those are the only kind I know.
What's your favorite color?
Blue. What's your favorite TV show?
Oh, god, you know which one I can't stand,
but watch all the time and kind of love secretly?
(MIMICKING ROBIN LEACH) "Lifestyles of the rich and famous."
(LAUGHING)
Look at these two right here. "Hey, look. I got a brand new phone."
"What is that, an iPhone?" "Yeah, I've gotta go to the apple store..."
- You're good at that. - "...And wait in line."
Communism could work. It really could.
But what they're doing now isn't communism,
it's totalitarianism dressed up as communism.
I agree.
Have you ever given yourself a pap smear?
No.
I was just... Because of the q-tips.
Mmm. That's sweet.
- Let me try it. - All right, you go.
"Hey..."
I can't do it.
You know, I have a dream that someday I wanna
have my own coffee place,
"a cup of Joel."
You know, as in "cup of Joe",
but I would say "Joel".
- Right. - Because everyone knows "cup of Joe",
but it's "cup of Joel" because my name is Joel.
- Smart. I get it. - So Joel instead of Joe.
I don't know. It's probably just wishful thinking, right?
It's kind of stupid.
No! It's not stupid, it's great! You should do that.
Tiffany always said that was a dumb idea.
Well, I don't know Tiffany, but she sounds like a stupid bitch.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Uh...
Forget it.
- What? - No, I...
No. Come on, tell me.
Are you hungry?
Hungry? Why don't you try "starving."
Why don't I have you over for dinner.
I'll make my world-famous Mac 'n cheese.
'Kay.
I like how you say "'kay."
I like how you say, "I like how you say "kay."'
(CHUCKLING)
Molly, where have you been? I've been worried sick.
Who are you?
Joel, this is my older sister, Katherine.
- Katherine, this is Joel. - Hi.
Don't "hi" me, Joel. You're just like all the others.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
- Hi, mommy. - Hi!
You have a kid?
Don't worry, Joel. His dad's out of the picture.
He's doing t-l-m-e in jail.
Tucker, this is my friend, Joel.
Hi, Mr. Joel. Are you my new daddy?
Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Hey, buddy, I see you've got on some pokémon pajamas.
Yeah.
My favorite one is smeargle. You know why?
Because he can defend butterfree's hyper reverse attack
with two double colorless energy cards
and only get 10 damage points.
You know about pokémon? You're cool, Mr. Joel!
I think you're cool, Tucker.
What is... wait a minute.
What is that in your ear? What?
That's for you.
Wow! A cheeseburger, mommy!
Wow! Go eat that in bed.
Goodnight, mom. Goodnight, daddy.
I mean "Joel".
Oh!
Oh.
I think he likes you.
I think I like him.
Dinner was delicious, Molly.
Here. A little chilly...
Joel, can I tell you something?
Sure. What is it?
If I was ever about to marry someone, and then realized
that I didn't want to do it, you know where I would go?
Ah, random guess, but Boston?
No. The Brooklyn promenade.
Where I can look out over the city.
It's very comforting.
What you're saying to me is that
if you were to ever get married
and then decide at the last minute
that you didn't want to marry that person
you would go to the Brooklyn promenade.
Yes. You see where I'm going with this?
I think so. Yeah.
I believe in fate, Joel.
And if we are meant to be together,
then we will be.
Hi.
Hey.
I can't do this.
Why? What did I do?
I'm sorry.
It's just that Tiffany, my ex, used to say that exact same thing to me.
She used to say "hey"?
Yeah.
And I'm not so sure I'm ready for this kind of thing...
No, I understand. I didn't want to kiss you anyway.
I like you. It's just the way you said "hey" like that...
Goodnight, Joel.
JOEL: Hey, no, look, Molly...
Molly, wait... look.
I think you're great. I just need a little time.
You think you're the only person that's ever been hurt?
Do you think it was easy for me to watch frank go downward dog
on the yoga instructor while they were lying on my mat?
- My mat, Joel. - I didn't know.
You don't know anything!
I can't even do yoga anymore. I only do pilates.
Good night.
Molly...
Molly, wait!
Shit!
JOEL: I knew at that very moment that I had screwed up big-time.
And then walking home, I had this realization
that my inability to open my dream coffee shop was in many ways
a metaphor for my inability to follow through in my romantic life.
Ah.
And once I figured that out, I didn't want to waste another moment
before rushing back to Molly and asking for another chance.
So that's what you did?
Not right away. This buddy of mine
who was super into boogie-boarding
invited me down to his place in Miami to check it out,
so I went down there for the weekend.
But as soon as I got back, I headed straight to Molly's store.
I didn't want to screw it up again,
so I practiced what I was going to say until it was perfect.
Hey Molly, I had such a great time the other night.
I'm sorry I got weird there at the end. I was just so...
I was just so hamburgies and hotdoggies.
No, that sounds stupid. That sounds so stupid.
Hey Molly, I had a great time the other night.
Sorry it got weird at the end there.
I've been going through a lot recently, and I was just feeling all...
Green beans!
No! Hey, Molly. Pancakey.
Molly! I think your friend Joel is here.
And it looks like he's rehearsing an apology speech.
Oh, no, Wanda! I look terrible! I look like a chimney sweep.
Okay, quick! I'll help you find something better.
Come on, let's hurry, then!
Molly?
Guess she's not here.
Is that you? Hey, Joel, I...
Where'd he go?
Was that you?
Oh, hey, big brother. Did you go apologize to Molly?
Oh, hey. I went by her store, but she wasn't there.
Well, did you leave her a note?
No. Should I have?
You know, for a smart guy, big brother, you sure are an idiot.
You know what, Jake? I've had it up to here with your little comments.
You've got a bone to pick with me, then spit it out.
What? Is this about rent, Joel?
Because you can have your stupid money.
No. It's not about money, Jake. It's never been about money!
But you know what? If you have a little rent,
then, sure, I'd gladly take it!
I was being rhetorical!
Of course you were!
You're like a child.
Well, if being a grown-up means
being a corporate drone like you,
then no thanks!
I've got dreams, man!
Well, your dreams don't pay for the rent!
This corporate drone does!
Do you remember the tire swing?
I don't have time for this. No, I don't have time...
I know you remember it, Joel!
The old maple tree.
We used to spend hours in that thing.
Where'd it go, Joel?
You sold it, didn't you?
You traded in our fun for what, a few greenbacks?
When mom and dad died, I had to sell that tire
to put food in your belly and a shirt on your back.
It was for you, Jake.
All of it.
(VOICE BREAKING) It was always for you.
I really miss mom and dad.
Me, too.
(SOBBING)
Call Molly.
Call her, man.
Tell her how you feel.
I'm gonna go run some errands.
Hey, Jake.
Yeah?
Thanks, little brother.
Hey, Joel?
Yeah?
Go get 'em, tiger.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Jake?
Yeah?
Thanks.
Joel, one last thing.
What's up?
Thanks.
Jake!
Yo.
Thanks.
Okay, I'm lost. What's going on?
Basically he sold the tire swing to feed his brother.
I get that, but what does it have to do with the two of you?
Um, I think the idea is that
- after they meet up... - Right.
...they both realize, you know, how short life is.
And so the brother told him to call her to say he was sorry.
And then he went and ran errands.
Is it something like that?
Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want.
So I called her right away.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Hello?
Hey, Molly, it's Joel. How's it going?
Hi.
Uh, look, I wanted to call you and apologize
for the way that I behaved the other night.
I've learned that my inability to
follow through on my dream coffee shop
is a metaphor for my inability to follow through on my romantic life.
Listen, I wanna clear something up before we go any further.
I really appreciate your apology about the other night,
but why did you come over to my store
and then leave without coming in?
- I did come in, but I couldn't find you. - Oh, really?
I came there to apologize to you, because I was a jerk.
Okay, good. Well, good.
Molly, are you free for dinner tonight?
Sure.
MOLLY: Wanda, I really like this guy, Joel,
but I just don't know if he's the one.
I mean, I wish there was some sort of sign that proved it.
Well, how about this?
When you meet up with him tonight, change the way you look.
Just a tiny little bit.
But if he notices, then that's how you'll know he's the one.
Oh.
Change the way I look and see if he notices.
Wanda, thank you. You're the best.
You are.
No.
I just felt like I was gettin' a vibe.
- Hey. - Hi, there.
You look different.
Really? You think so?
You've got Groucho glasses on.
You noticed.
Of course. You must have gone to a gag store or something, huh?
You're something.
Come on, let's eat.
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
Bonjour. May I take your coat?
No, thank you. I'll keep mine.
We're okay.
Well, in that case,
may I then suggest you try the greasy diner on Columbus and 67th.
I think you will find their cuisine and service up to your standards.
Boy, does that guy have a pole up his ass or what?
Yeah.
Watch out, Joel! He does!
(DISHES SHATTERING)
Care to hear our specials?
That's not necessary.
I'm feeling adventurous tonight. Surprise me.
What? Really?
You're willing to just throw caution to the wind like that?
Sure.
Very well, madame. For the fish, we have...
Uh, wait! Whatever it is, I'll have it.
Very good, madame.
And for monsieur?
(STAMMERING)
I'll have the steak plate.
Molly, really, you don't even need to hear what the fish is?
I'm sure.
I am more sure of this decision
than anything ever in my entire life.
Who are you?
WAITER: A steak for monsieur,
and for madame, the stinky doo-doo fish special.
- Dinner was great, Molly. - I agree.
Well, this is me.
And this is me.
I mean, this is me. This is where I live.
I know. And this is where I live.
And it's where you live, too. With me.
Oh, Joel...
Look, I'm just gonna throw my cards
out on the table, really go for broke.
I had a great time tonight.
Would you like to go for a burrito sometime with me?
No. I'm sorry, no. I wouldn't.
Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that. That's harsh.
It came out wrong. I just don't like Mexican food.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Thought you were Joel.
Actually, Joel is my middle name.
Sorry is your first name?
Billy is my first name.
Your name is Billy Joel?
Hmm...
I never really thought about that before, but yeah. I guess it is.
I should probably get going.
Have a good night.
- Bye now. - Wait...
Yeah!
If you wanna come up, uh, you know,
you can.
Shh.
Don't say another word.
I would love to come upstairs.
Keep going.
Where's your sister?
She and Tucker went fly-fishing.
They won't be back until tomorrow.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHATTERING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CLATTERING)
Thirsty.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
ALL: Oh!
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Whoo!
Wow, what a terrific song!
Is there anywhere we can get our own copy?
Oh, all the Internet download services will have it, I-tones...
- Rhapsory. - MOLLY: Amasong.
Svandorga.
MOLLY: I'm so happy that we're driving up to the country to see my parents.
JOEL: I'm afraid they're not gonna like me.
You're crazy. They're gonna love you.
(DOOR OPENS)
- Hey! Hi! - Hey!
BOTH: Oh.
- Hi, daddy. - Hi, sweetheart.
This is Joel.
- How you doin'? - Hello, sir.
He's so cute, Molly. Look at those dimples.
Yeah, I know.
So, Joel, this is where we'll be dining tonight.
Hmm, I guess that's why they call it
"the dining room". Isn't that funny?
You know, yeah, it is funny.
Want to see me naked, Joel?
(STAMMERS)
See anything you like?
Take me, Joel.
Shag me rotten.
But I'm in love with your daughter, Mrs...
Whatever Molly's last name is.
Good answer! You did it, Joel.
He did it, you guys!
- Yeah. - (CHUCKLING)
You're the first boyfriend I ever had to pass the test!
- I'm very impressed, Joel. Very impressed. - (CHUCKLING)
Uh, thanks.
I have watched many, many of Molly's boyfriends
bend my wife over that sideboard
- and flunk the hell out of this test! - Oh.
Can I take the test again?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Please? Come on, I wanna fuck your mom.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I think I like you, Joel.
I think I like you, too.
I think they like you.
(CHUCKLES)
I want to make a toast. To my beautiful white daughter, Molly.
Hear, hear.
(GLASSES CLINKING)
Wait, what?
She is beautiful, isn't she, Joel?
Skin pure as the driven snow.
Completely unmongrelized.
Uh...
My beautiful Aryan Princess, Molly.
To Molly.
Thanks, mama.
What the fuck?
Joel, have you ever thought about how white people
should be proud of their heritage, just like other people are?
No.
Do you realize because of the race mixers
white people are now the minority in this country?
It's a good point.
Guys, let's not bore Joel. Justin, how's school?
How could you not tell me that your parents were white supremacists?
I didn't think it was important, Joel.
Not important? Are you kidding?
"Oh, hi, mom. It's me, Joel. Guess what? I'm dating this great girl.
"Her name's Molly. By the way, she's a Nazi."
So they're a little eccentric!
I love you for who you are, Joel. Why can't you do the same?
Let me guess. The next thing you're about to say
is that it's really hard making this work
because my job entails running your business out of business!
Yes, that is exactly what I was going to say.
Tiffany, would you just calm down for a second!
Oh, my god! You just called me by her name.
You are so not over her!
- Okay, all right, please... - Oh, my god!
Just... Tiffany...
Oh, damn it!
I think you should leave, Joel.
What?
I think you should take your briefcase, take your suitcase,
and your squash racquet,
and all your magic markers,
and your toothbrush, and your U2 cds...
And don't forget your clompy slippers and your floppy hat!
And get out!
- But, I... - Go!
Hi, Joel.
Tiffany, what are you doing here?
(VOICE BREAKING) Oh, it's a long story.
Trevor moved out today, and I'm just really upset.
And, well, I'll admit it, horny.
Ew. She said that? Give me a break.
I know. It sounds transparent, but she sounded really Sincere.
Well, great story.
- Yeah. We should get together again soon. - Yes.
- We're not done. - Yeah, sit down.
Well, actually, it's getting so late, and I have to run...
Sit your fuckin' ass down, Karen. We're not done with the story.
You know, you really hurt me, tiff.
I know. But I can't ever change that.
What's done is done.
I can't go back to the way things were.
Things are gonna be different this time, right?
Oh, probably not, Joel. Old habits die hard.
Okay, but promise me that you're not here just because
Trevor dumped you and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
No. I can't promise you that, Joel, because that is why I'm here.
I'm not gonna candy-coat it.
If I were you, I would be very wary of my motives.
Okay.
You've convinced me.
Let's give our relationship another try.
(BOTH MOANING)
I'm not sure Molly needs to hear this.
Certainly not in that level of detail.
Joel, that last move.
Mmm!
How did you hold her up with your feet
and let her fall right down on you man? That's cool.
What are you talking about? Who said anything about that?
I'm sorry, man. I guess I was picturing details in my mind's eye
as you were verbally describing what happened.
But man, Joel...
Mmm!
You're gettin' in that pussy hole.
(IN SASSY VOICE) You can have the pussy. Just save me the hole.
(JACKHAMMER POUNDING)
Nobody talk to me.
Joel and I broke up last night.
And my store is doomed.
I'm a mess.
Honestly, moll, I never liked that Joel anyway.
I love him. But I hate him!
(VOICE BREAKING) But I love him.
(THUDDING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? It's for you.
Who's this?
Hey, Molly. It's egg-flaps.
Oh. Ah... Hi, eggbert. How are you?
EGGBERT: I know you're worried about your store closing down,
but I have some great news.
I happen to have reservations for two
at la senora enchilada at 7:00,
so do you wanna join me?
That's very sweet of you to ask, but I...
You're not interested. I get it.
Story of my life. At least I tried, right?
Okay, eggbert.
Really? That's great!
Reservations are at 7:00, so I'll pick you up at 5:30.
(MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING)
A Chimichanga for the senor.
Y para la senorita...
A hot beef and cheese burrito.
Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!
Muchas gracias, Armando.
De nada, senor flaps.
It's hot, hot, hot!
So Molly.
What kinds of things are you passionate about?
I love fiction books. Do you?
No, I don't.
They're not real.
I like things that are real.
Oh. I like fiction books because I think
- it takes you to a different world. - Uh-huh.
- And people create a story... - Sure.
...and characters that you fall in love with.
Yeah, but they're not real. You know that, right?
I remember in high school, they made us read the great gatsby,
and I asked my teacher, "did this happen?"
And he was like, "no."
And I was like, "then why did they write it down?"
Jesus! What a douchebag!
Well, he meant well. So we started seeing each other.
Meanwhile csr's superstore was becoming a reality
and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Male candy executive we're gonna obliterate it!
(LAUGHING)
JOEL: Molly and I weren't speaking,
and I was back with my old girlfriend, my old life.
MOLLY: And then the holiday season started.
Oh, hey. Brenda and I are having a series of three holiday parties,
- Thanksgiving, Christmas, new year's Eve. - Mmm-hmm.
- Three parties. - Got it.
We'd love it if you and tiff could come.
Well, I've gotta talk to tiff, but I'm sure she'll wanna go.
BOB: Great. The first one, of course, is Thanksgiving.
- GUEST 1: Happy Thanksgiving, Brenda. - GUEST 2: Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey, everybody! I'm a Thanksgiving Turkey.
(MIMICS TURKEY GOBBLING)
(LAUGHING)
(EGGBERT LAUGHING)
Mmm.
Dessert's almost ready. Who wants coffee?
I would love a double-cream, no coffee.
I'll have a half mocha macchiato.
I'll have a caf, half latte caramel venti frappacino.
BOTH: Boy, whatever happened to just good old regular coffee?
- Asshole. - Cunt.
- GUEST 1: Christmas! - GUEST 2: Now it's Christmas!
BOB: Christmastime charades! Tiffany, it's your turn.
- My turn. - BOB: It's your turn.
On your mark. Get set. Go.
Okay. Uh...
For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf!
Yes!
Yeah!
- It's chariots of fire. - BOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa...
- Chariots of fire. - BOB: No, no, hon...
GUEST 1: Yay, Brenda!
- GUEST 2: You got it! - She got it!
Wow! That was great, babe!
VARIOUS PEOPLE: Movie. Movie.
- Paws! - Laws!
- Jizz! - Jews!
- Time's up. - Jaws.
I was doing jaws.
(GUESTS GROAN)
Told you I wasn't good at this.
You're great at this.
- GUEST 1: Now it's new year's! - GUEST 2: It's new year's Eve!
BOB: Two minutes until the new year!
GUEST 2: New year's Eve.
(GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey. - Hi.
You look great.
Thanks. So do you.
All right, everybody, get ready. It's one more minute.
I'm gonna get a drink. Do you want one?
Oh, uh... I'm all right.
Everybody, listen up!
I got somethin' to say.
I wasn't gonna do this tonight,
but I was just thinkin' about it, and what the heck?
Hey, Molly.
(WOMAN GASPS)
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Yes?
Yes.
BOB: Eight, seven, six...
- EGGBERT: Oh, happy day! - BOB AND PARTYGOERS: Five, four,
three, two, one.
Happy new year!
(PARTY HORNS HONKING)
Why did you say yes? He's so clearly wrong for you.
It's one of those weird ones.
I guess that's just what it is, one of those weird ones, huh?
Shall we just chalk it up to that and move on?
(FIREWORKS WHIZZING)
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
MAN: Happy new year!
Do you love me?
I love Saturdays.
I know you love Saturdays, but do you love me?
I think you're a-okay.
How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?
Look, there's something I need to tell you.
Ever since you and I got back together, something hasn't felt right.
I think deep down, you're a horrible person.
Granted, you're smoking hot.
And that's something no one could ever take away from you.
Except of course, father time,
who will most certainly take that away from you
sooner rather than later. But that's not my point.
What is your point?
My point is...
I'm sorry, but it's over.
Are you breaking up with me?
Yes. And I should have done it a long time ago.
You and I are like rain-proofing on a wooden deck.
Finished.
Well, fine.
And you want to know something? I always faked it.
Faked what? Your orgasms?
No, Joel. I'm not who you think I am.
Judge Judy?
That's right. And for the record,
those orgasms were as real as they get.
Now get your shit together, Joel.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
JOEL: It all fell apart that night.
As the weeks and months passed, I tried to move on with my life.
I tried to focus on my work, started exercising,
and got married, but it didn't pan out.
By the time spring came, I thought I might finally be over Molly.
Then I noticed something on my fridge.
- Are you okay, bubela? - Hmm...
Oh, yeah. I'm good. I'm just
thinking about some stuff.
Let me tell you a little story.
Wait! Who is this person?
My bubby.
The lady I was talking about that likes fiction books?
- Oh, your grandmother. - Yeah.
Let me tell you a little story. It's about bagels.
Wait, say no more. I've got it.
You were gonna say the bagels are a metaphor for the circle of life.
No, I wasn't gonna say that.
Oh, my god, of course!
How could I have not seen it?
I let my desire to land the dickricker account cloud my judgment!
I know exactly what to do! Thank you, bubby!
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Joel, I'm so proud of you!
What are we doin'?
I don't know, but it feels so right.
Oh, god, bubby, I wanna fuck you so bad.
Do it. Do it, Joel. Don't overthink this.
Oh, no. I...
(STUTTERING) I should go.
Yeah, I get it.
Hey, bubby.
Yes, bubela?
Thanks.
ROLAND: All those in favor of demolishing
upper sweet side once and for all, say "aye."
ALL: Aye.
Wait!
Joel? What are you doing here?
We can't do this.
Oh, yes, we can. And we are.
- It's wrong. - "Wrong"?
Yeah. It's wrong.
"It's"?
It's terribly wrong, and I'm gonna explain why.
"Why"?
Trevor, let me speak.
- TREVOR: What... - Let him speak.
Look, we didn't get into the candy game to make money, did we?
We got into the candy game to make candy
for kids of all ages to enjoy.
Because we're not money people, people.
We're candy people.
Used to be a time when we all believed that.
Remember those days, habermeyer?
Martinson?
Isn't there room in New York City for two candy stores, Roland?
Don't be seduced by his word jazz.
Shut up, Trevor.
You may have a point, Joel.
Keep going.
If we lock the trunk and throw away the key on Molly's little candy shop,
aren't we really locking the trunk
and throwing away the key on ourselves?
Saving Molly's candy shop isn't about saving the shop.
Saving that little candy shop
is about saving life on earth as we know it!
That's all I've got. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
ROLAND: He's right.
Well, well, well.
You just got yourself a big promotion and a corner office.
What?
Oh, my god. I'm so shocked. I wasn't expecting that to happen at all.
This is ridiculous. That corner office was mine!
I'm sorry, Trevor. Didn't you hear? You're fired!
And if your desk isn't empty by tomorrow morning,
I am gonna have your license revoked.
What license?
ROLAND: It's over, Trevor.
Now get out of here before I change my mind!
No, I want you to change your mind. Then I'll still have a job.
Go!
And one more thing. John, come on in here!
John dickricker?
That's right, Joel. This is John dickricker,
and the dickricker account is yours again.
(ALL EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)
Wow!
I'm overwhelmed.
- But I'm sorry, I can't accept your offer. - What?
I'm tendering my resignation, Roland.
- That's right, everybody. I quit. - (ALL GASPING)
Effective immediately.
I'm gonna pursue my dream and open my own coffee shop, "cup of Joel".
You've probably all heard of "cup of Joe". This is a play on that.
- 'Cause of my name being Joel. - ALL: Oh...
Yeah. So you get it. "Cup of Joel," "cup of Joe," "cup of Joel."
Oh, cute.
I'll help you, Joel. I quit, too.
It's okay. I've got it. But thank you.
Oh...
All hail Joel!
(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: Here's to you, Joel.
Where's Bob?
Oh, Bob's at that woman Molly's wedding.
Oh... oh, Joel, I'm so sorry. I thought you knew.
She's getting married in, like, 20 minutes.
I have to do something.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(WHISTLES)
Uptown! And step on it! I'm in a huge hurry!
DRIVER: I can't do it, man. I'm off duty.
Damn it, I'm screwed!
But in your case, brother, I'll make an exception.
Jake.
Finally got that job, huh?
You're not the only one in this family
who's getting his shit together.
Now let's go get you that girl.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
I'm terrified, daddy. Am I doing the right thing?
Oh, honey, if eggbert's the one, you'll know.
Let's go, let's go!
We're almost there!
Oh, god, come on, come on!
MINISTER: You may be seated.
Hey, pretty lady.
Eggbert, do you notice anything different about me?
Anything at all?
No. You look incredible.
Oh, I knew it.
Eggbert, I'm sorry. You're a very nice man.
But I would rather be alone and happy than with you and unhappy.
What are you saying?
It's not you. It's me.
I'm sorry, eggbert. Thank you for showing me
what a big mistake it would be if I married you today.
Molly, where are you going?
Hey, aunt flo!
Molly, I love you!
She's not here, Joel!
What? Where is she?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She was here at the altar, and then she left,
and we don't have any way to know where she might be.
I think I know.
Follow me!
What?
- Sox! - Celtics!
Ben affleck!
She's not here.
Are you sure that's what she said?
I know where she is! Follow me!
She's not here.
MOLLY: Joel!
You are here!
(CROWD MURMURING)
I've come for you.
- It's too late. - What?
There's nothing left for me here.
My flight leaves in an hour. I have to leave.
Wait!
Molly.
I love you.
I don't know what you want me to say.
You ran my business into the ground.
ROLAND: No, he didn't!
(CROWD GASPING)
No, he did not.
Molly, not only did Joel save your candy shop,
but he also made it possible for it to flourish
forever.
Forever.
This is the same guy who pooped
in his costume at the Halloween party?
That's right.
Thank you, Joel.
I misjudged you.
Give me another chance!
I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
By saying, "yes, Joel, I'll give you another chance."
Oh, come on, Molly. Give him another chance.
I'm sorry. I have to go.
Wait! Then how about this?
I love how you make a goofy face
every time you don't know what to say.
(CHUCKLES)
I love how you order a muffin.
Joel.
Oh, Molly, I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I saw those Groucho glasses stuck to your face
and I promise I'll notice them every single time you put them on.
Listen to me. If you're asking me
to give you a second chance, the answer...
- MAN: Wait! - (ALL GASP)
Molly.
MOLLY: Frank?
- Frank, my old boyfriend. Remember? - Right.
MOLLY: What are you doing here?
Where's Mia, the yoga instructor?
Thought you two had eloped and gone to Paris.
She died, so that's over.
Marry me, Molly.
No, frank. It's too late for that.
Okay.
- Anyway, my answer is... - WOMAN: Molly!
Molly!
Oh, my sister.
Molly!
Spike, your ex-husband and Tucker's dad, just got released from jail.
And he knows about Joel, and he's really pissed, and he's coming now!
- What? - (ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, shit! Look out, Joel! He's got a sword!
(GROWLING)
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
You can't take my family away from me!
Joel, duck!
(CROWD GASPING)
Yeah!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Good job, Joel.
You ain't seen the last of me, Billy Joel!
You ain't seen the last of me!
Tell it to the judge, spike.
You're going back to prison where you belong.
I always loved you, bitch!
And "good job" to Molly's sister Katherine, too, for alerting us.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Thanks, everybody!
Oh, for cryin' out loud, Molly, will you marry me?
And don't anyone interrupt me this time, okay? (CHUCKLES)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Joel.
I think maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Let's go get a cup of coffee.
Yeah. Coffee. That sounds good.
That sounds great!
(CROWD CHEERING)
JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting
cup of Joel!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
- (LAUGHING) - That is a crazy story!
JOEL: Told ya!
It's like a corny romantic comedy.
- (ALL CHUCKLE) - KYLE: It is.
It was such a great beginning,
why did you guys decide to get a divorce?
Well, things got pretty rough after that.
Roland's promise to keep my store flourishing forever,
well, it turned out to be a little bit more complicated than we thought.
Long story short, the store is gone.
And cup of Joel basically crashed and burned after a week.
I mean, it really wasn't anything.
And as much as little Tucker loved havin' a new dad around,
he was pretty traumatized seein' his real dad
get shot in the face by the police.
MOLLY: The debts started to pile up and
I started taking pills to numb the pain.
And then...
I started sleeping with frank again.
But enough of our sob stories.
The bottom line is, we mutually decided
that we were better off as friends than spouses.
- Yeah. - There's no need to belabor it.
Let's talk about something happier, shall we? (CHUCKLES)
Karen, hearing this story makes me realize that
I want out.
Seriously, I don't ever want to see you again.
(CHUCKLES)
He's joking. You're joking, right, Kyle?
Of course I'm joking!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What?
You are the love of my life.
That was such a good joke.
(CHUCKLING)
- Stop. - I'm gonna leave you, you knucklehead.
Well, what do you think?
Should we give it another shot?
Why not?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
I told you it was gonna be a crazy day.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Have you guys seen that new exhibit at the museum?
- Oh, it's so special. - Oh, we missed it.
You can take the subway there. One of the lines.
Only in New York, right?
(ALL LAUGHING)