Hi. I'm Doug Stauber.
I'm an assistant manager at Donaldson's Grocery...
where customers come first- even customers who are nuts.
- Mr. Stauber. - Can I help you?
This guy had some complaint about the cracker Teddy Grahams...
a honey graham snack.
- Okay. - He spoke some other kind of language.
"Lerhman torsh. "
That's not Spanish, bro. I don't know what that is.
Okay, "Lerhman. " Let's go. Sorry.
Oh, no.
Lerhman, man, I don't know, Lerhman. I don't-
- Holy shit! - At Donaldson's...
the assistant manager deals with customer complaints.
What the hell?
It's my job to keep a lid on this place.
It's kind of hard. I mean, it's not like I have a crack staff.
Outside, we have a gang problem. And we have two 14-year-old security guards...
who stand as far away from the store as they possibly can.
And at the end of the day, I get reviews from customers...
whose feedback is important to us.
I returned to the lot from the grocery and found three black guys...
sitting on my car eating snacks.
They finally left, but called me names and words like "tasty"...
and "lick"and "titties. "
I have to turn these cards over to our actual manager...
who's usually on his way back from a movie.
- What's up? - Hey.
- New cards? - Yeah.
Good ones?
That's good. "Lick. " "Titties. "
I'm gonna take off.
So my job has challenges.
So I'm not smiling here because I'm actually happy.
I'm smiling because I'm pretty sure my manager-
who probably is actually happy- expected me to...
and I want to advance and have a good career.
I'm supporting the orbital bone with my right hand...
and the other hand is right in her chest cavity, you know?
I'm manually massaging her heart now. I thought she was going to die.
- How'd you get her back? - Instinct.
- Hey, Jen. - Hey, Doug. You remember Mark Timms.
- Yeah. Hi. - Hi.
We were just talking about how Mark saved a two-year-old girl's life.
Good job.
- Oh. Tell Mark about "Teddy Grahams. " - That's all right.
- It's hilarious. - What?
- This Teddy Grahams "snack slap" thing. - Oh, snack slap?
- He got in this little slap fight. - What happened? Tell me.
- Tell him. - That's ok- No.
No, come on, man. I want to know. Come on, guy.
And I'm asked to share my graham cracker slap stories with my wife's boss...
- who never remembers my name. - All right.
And my name's on my shirt. Right side.
Just the first name though. I tried to put "Mr. Stauber" on it, but I got reprimanded.
Big deal. He saved an infant. That's great.
- If I had infant-saving training, I could probably do it. - Okay.
Some days, I didn't think anyone would call me "mister. "
I'd just be "Doug"... for good.
You're a shoo-in, dude.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Hey, do you know where the expression "shoo-in" comes from?
No.
The Romans used to-
I'm the shoo-in- the leading shoo-in. Totally.
- Oh, you're the leading shoo-in. - Yeah, totally.
Come here, you sweaty bastard. You sweaty shoo-in.
- I'm really sweaty. - I don't care. Come here.
Oh, Jesus! You stink.
- I'll take a shower. - It's okay.
- Hey, guy, can you just give us a break? One night?
My partner's coming over.
- I'm supposed to have this piece prepared. - Man, we're trying to...
have dinner.
I thought you were makin' out. "All sweaty. "
Compromise. I'll do scales.
- Is it still for sale? - Yeah.
We should go get that house. This week.
Because I'm gonna get that job, and I feel really good about things.
Me too. Maybe we should wait though.
I'm a shoo-in. And someone's gonna snag that house. Let's do it.
- Shoo-in? - Yeah.
All right. Let's do it.
It was right there, what we worked for.
Then this guy comes down from Canada.
#Every day I'm gonna strut that stuff #
# When the music's loud I can't get enough #
#Singin' hi, singin' hi #
# Come on, feet Teach yourself to move #
#Hey #
#People shufflin' up and down again #
# Unhappy faces ain't gonna get you in #
#Singin' hi, singin' hi #
# Come on, people Teach yourself to move #
#Hey, yeah #
#Hey, all right #
#Spread the news We're gonna have some fun #
#Let it go Movin'son of a gun #
#Singin' hi, singin' hi #
# Come on, feet We was born to move #
- #Hey, yeah ## Got the loading dock right over there.
- That's for blue stock only. - Okay.
- That gets logged in right away. - Blue stock.
And if it's before 8:15 in the morning, you've got to do it.
- Move it over right up there to that first pallet. - Right.
This way, as soon as it goes back, it's rotated back to the first-
We just moved. My wife was transferred, so now I'm here.
Richard Wehlner, from Quebec.
And that's pretty much where it all started-
some joker blowing down from Canada...
from a sister company I didn't even know we had.
Nice location.
Yeah.
- It's a Plus? - What's that?
- It's gonna be full size? - Full size.
This place will draw too. There's not another grocery till Western.
I'm gonna put in for it, full manager.
Yeah, me too.
- So, okay. See you later. - Yep. See you later.
Eh, gimme five.
Erickson's is our sister company.
Okay.
Yeah, they're all over Canada. Wehlner's got, like, six years in up there.
But I'm still the shoo-in, right?
I don't know. Wehlner's kind of a wild card.
His work history transfers clean, so-
I don't know about this shoo-in business.
So there's a microchip on the right anterior wheel that has a sensor in it...
and if it detects an obstacle, it will engage the self-braking mechanism.
So no more scratched door small claims, right?
All right, here we go.
I had to tell her I wasn't a shoo-in...
- and that maybe the house was out for now. - Whoa!
That's no way to play the banjo.
- I'm doing the best I can. - No, you're not. Because you don't love me.
- I love you intensely. - Then show me...
- by playing better banjo. - Okay.
Then show me... sexually.
Dream or real?
- Real. - Oh, my God.
Chapter Two.
We'll learn the importance of recognizing opportunities...
to stand out at work and to steer clear of trouble.
We'll also learn that success does not come to the timid...
but to those like- Richard Wehlner-
Who go out and make things happen.
It's nice when you bring your daughter's Brownie troupe...
in for cupcakes and they learn the word "cock. "
- Thanks, Donaldson's. - Fuck.
- Hey. Any good? - No.
- Well, what's the problem? We'll work on it as a team. - The box is on the lot.
- The lot's so fuckin' nuts. - Well, what's so f'ing nuts about it?
- It's just crazy. Lot detail means bad cards. - Oh.
Scott, why is the board here?
Oh, they wanna run stock for the new Plus store in Augusta. They want a stock list.
Great. I'm eager to meet them.
I'm eager to... too.
...from Donaldson's, the champion of excellence.
Whether it's Monday morning muffins or a pie for Sunday's supper-
Hey. Those cutters are still out there.
- Well, I'm on stacking. - Yeah, well, I'd go, but I gotta get my car washed.
- Well, who's on lot? - Richard.
- Ask Richard. - Yeah, h-he's with Kev from Pepsi.
They're putting a new product up. He asked for Richard.
- He asked for him? - Yeah.
Been working together last couple of weeks. They got friendly, so-
Can you get out there? Just, uh-
Listen, I have bad cards stacking up from the lot. The board's here.
I'll get you inside tomorrow.
...from Donaldson's, the champion of excellence.
Donaldson's is committed to offering the widest selection-
- You can pretty much do what you want. - Anything?
Yeah, man. That wasn't what I meant. Come on.
No, seriously. If you want this whole section...
it's Pepsi's world, right?
Um, no, we got a lot of room. I mean, if you need to expand a little bit...
if you need more, I can-
She got a fat pussy too. I'm talkin' about a fuckin' milk truck pussy, nigga.
- Hey, guys. - Yo, and a big-ass house made from a chub pussy and her ass?
- It's, like, damn! - Come on, guys.
You gotta walk around. Uh, no cut-throughs.
Whatever the fuck.
- Hey, you can't cut through, dawg. - Ah, fuck you, whopper.
- What the fuck you callin' me "whopper. " - Whoa! Cool down.
I bought a Charleston Chew. Man, fuck you. Ask him.
- Well, where is it? - I ate it. Ain't I buy a Charleston Chew, asshole?
Your name's Stauber, right? Doug?
Yep.
- Did he buy a Charleston Chew? - Like, at 2:00.
Did he buy a Charleston Chew this afternoon? Come on, Stauber.
- Yeah. - All right.
- Then he's a customer, Stauber. - I'm a customer every day buyin' Chews.
Welcome, all you guys.
You played this the wrong way, Stauber.
What the frig are you doing?
Here's how we're gonna fix this. Come on.
Go.
Excuse me, young sir?
I want to offer you-
I'd like to offer you a complimentary strawberry Charleston Chew.
I indicated the flavor: Strawberry.
Thanks, strawberry faggot.
I'm little Mr. Strawberries.
And I was supposed to be inside that day, not comping the Chews.
Kev, I think you're all set. I'm gonna give you the end cap, and - It was good to see you.
- It's great to see you. I'm proud of you. - You too, man.
Um, like I said, if you need more space on the shelves...
I can always squeeze Green River a little bit.
Hey, uh, were you a male gymnastics?
Was I a male gymnastics?
Were you a male gymnastics in the junior Olympics? Ruiz Googled you.
He says you were a male gymnastic in Junior Olympics.
No. I wasn't... male gymnastics in Junior Olympics.
Octavio- Come on, man.
It's a joke, for morale purposes.
Wehlner didn't say nothing. He's inside today.
- You're lot. - I'm just gonna take it down.
We should eat. You guys want something from the rotisserie?
Let's snag somethin' from Deli.
You're gonna love this deli.
Their selection is out of this world.
We're gonna place four lunch orders.
He stole my Pepsi rep detail.
No matter how you slice it, that's a dick move.
You deal with the poster. Dick move, man. Deal.
Rotating convention, full benefits...
69,000, a spot on the board.
That's great.
- It is. - Hey, Doug. Doug Stauber!
- Hey. - It's my wife, Lori.
I was just tellin' her about this new place.
Hey, come on over and meet Christine Wehlner.
- Hey. - Hi, I'm Jen.
Lori. Pleased to meet you.
- Hi. Doug. - What kind of accent is that? It's really pretty.
Scotland. We met on a mission to Scotland.
- On an army mission? - Christian, man. Christian mission.
Oh. Okay.
Man, when I cheese postered him, I didn't know he was a family man.
Also, he's Canadian. They're not the same as Americans. They're nicer.
- Oh. Hey, Paul. - Hi. How are you? Nice to see you.
- Good to see you too. It's been a while. - You're lookin' great.
- Thank you very much. - Hot enough for ya?
I like it like this. Opens up the pores, makes me feel really good.
- Listen, I gotta run, but you're lookin' great. - Okay. Thanks.
- See you later. - You too. Say hello to the wife.
He was nice. And he actually had a pretty good little explanation...
for stealing my Pepsi rep, Kevin.
So, yeah, I'm glad I saw ya...
'cause I w-wanted to talk to you off to the side about Kev.
- Pepsi rep Kev? - Yeah, about that stuff. Yeah.
Uh, when we were puttin' up the jazz?
I wanted to tell you-
you know, off to the side- um...
I'm a drug addict- recovering- and an alcoholic.
And, uh, Kevin's my program sponsor.
Yeah, um, sponsor.
Yeah. So, Wednesday, I was havin' a-
Well, I just really needed to talk to him.
- So I'm sorry if- I didn't mean to- - Don't worry about it.
- Come on. - Okay. Thanks, Doug. That's awesome.
- Oh, hey. - No, I got it.
- It's okay. - I got it, Doug. Get outta here.
Get on outta here.
Who else is interviewing anyway?
It's really mine, as the shoo-in.
But, uh, I think they're going to sit down with a couple of other guys as a formality.
They don't stand a chance really.
Not with you in this suit, they don't.
- Is that guy still standing on his balcony staring at us? - Yeah.
That's nice.
Hey, do you mind if I listen on my headphones? 'Cause Canadian news is on at 1:30.
That's cool.
Chapter Four.
Chances are, you live in a metro environment...
full of men trying their best to get ahead.
Millions. So how do you separate yourself from the guy next to you...
who may be younger and also wants what you want?
Through the quality of your work, by flying higher.
This chapter's entitled, "Taking Off. "
Let's let this classic rock song remind you what direction-
Richard Wehlner- is headed: Up.
Let's rock!
# Ticktock, tick, doo, doo, doo-doo #
#Ticktock, tick Doo, doo, doo-doo #
#Time keeps on slippin' slippin', slippin' #
# Into the future #
#Time keeps on slippin' slippin', slippin' #
- #Into the future-# - Richard Wehlner-
- # I wanna fly like an eagle-# - Richard Wehlner-
#To the sea #
# Fly like an eagle Let my spirit carry me #
# I want to fly like an eagle-#
- Richard Wehlner- - #Till I'm free ##
Our grocery- We have Martin's projects right there.
And we're trying to draw from pretty high-end neighborhoods.
We get a lot of cut-throughs, but, uh, keeping the lot safe is our number one obstacle.
And I don't shy away from the lot. It's critical.
That's good. It's critical at the Augusta Plus store too.
We have public housing right there.
Yeah, it's a balancing act. You need safety, but you also need good community relations.
I'm glad you mentioned community relations.
The housing- those are our neighbors, our customers too.
It's important to get along.
Doug, what's this?
- I grabbed this on the 19th. - That's out of line.
Yeah.
- When did you get that? - June 19th, at your deli, on the refrigeration unit.
- I think this is B.S. - It is B.S.
I was probably on lot that day. I like it out there.
Who was inside?
Maybe... Richard?
- Richard Wehlner. - Yeah. Mmm.
I think so. Yep.
You think he was on Deli, or he was on Deli?
Was on Deli.
Send him in.
Doug, these aren't great.
Bear down. We'll get some fresh cards. We'll take it from there.
I like what you're saying.
I need to like what you're doing a little more.
Thank you.
- How'd it go? - Good.
Hello, gentlemen.
I'm Richard Wehlner. Thank you for your valuable time.
Nice to meet you, sir. Richard Wehlner.
Hi. How do you do? Thank you for your valuable time.
In Canada, we don't say-
"Cutting the cheese" simply means cutting the actual cheese.
It doesn't have a double thing, so I just missed it.
Because in Canada, it's "cracking. "
- The expression. - It's "cracking" in Canada. Yeah.
We "crack the cheese. "
"Cracking it"?
"Cracking the cheese"?
So I simply really believed that Rogelio...
had been given an intra-Deli award...
for cutting the actual cheese.
I'm sorry.
I simply believed Rogelio had been given an intra-Deli-
I heard you the first time. Listen. We have permit delays.
We're on hold this month. We won't be deciding for a few weeks.
Make up the ground.
- Okay? - Okay.
Then that's all.
Well, thank you for gimme-
for giving me your valuable time.
Thank you for your time. I appreciate it. Thank you, sir, for your time.
Thank you for this- for this moment.
Thank you very much, Mr. Cranston. Appreciate it.
Thank you very much, sir, for your time today. You are a valuable person to me.
And I am sorry about this cutting business.
That's the end of that.
No more cheese business.
Last stop, financial district.
So I never got to go over my cool bullet points because of the fart gag joke.
The whole board saw it. It was uncool.
Why don't you forget about it for now?
I want you to blow off some steam. I have an idea.
I signed us up for dance lessons.
- Oh, I don't know. - Let's go for it.
- Let's do salsa. It's so beautiful. - Not when I do it.
It's gonna be, because you're a beautiful guy.
I don't know if I can do it. Here, sweetie. Ready?
Don't worry. I'm not gonna backslide.
All right. Let's go dancin'.
Ready? Whoo!
- How many pages is that? - Eight pages.
It's so quiet.
Okay. Now we just need that $12,000 check- the earnest money check.
If I can't make the big 10% down payment in August, I can get this back, right?
Like, uh, if I don't get this job that I thought I was gonna get?
Um, you forfeit that. It will be a forfeiture in that amount.
- Is that bad? - Yes.
"Forfeit," as in, you don't get the money back.
The seller keeps the money. It's so they're not hung out to dry...
and it's also a way of preventing schmucks...
from trying to purchase houses they can't afford.
Yeah. Schmucks.
- What are you talking about? - Schmucks who buy houses they can't afford.
- Are there really schmucks like that? - Well, every once in a while...
we'll encounter a schmuck like that- not often.
- Hey! Man, what the hell? - Ah!
Holy shit.
- That was "Teddy"? - Yeah.
- He's smaller than I imagined. - Yeah, well, he's got a lot of stamina.
It took us five years to save $ 12,000...
and I might have just schmucked it away.
So Richard might be a nice recovering drug guy...
but if I could slide ahead of him at the company retreat, I was going to do it.
Hey, leaders in quality foods, the Donaldson's difference- it's people.
And all of you- here's the great news- are people.
Now concentration allows you to shut out distraction.
Shutting out distraction, gang, allows you...
to accomplish your goals and achieve new heights!
Get it in here, Chicagoland Donaldson's. Come on.
Tout de suite it in here, make a stack of hands. Right here in the middle.
Let's go. Bunch of hands, here we go. Ready?
Now let's make it happen on "one. " Ready on "one"? One!
Let's make it happen!
Here we go. Let's go. You can do this, Mitch. Concentration.
And... block out distraction. Easy.
Here we go, Aaron. That's it. That's it. That's it!
Doug, you can do it. Block out distraction.
Very good.
What do you think, Richard? Here we go. And-
It's not hot! It's not hot!
You've essentially attained your goal. Blockin' out distractions!
Who's next? Who's next?
Let's do it, Steve. You've got it. You've got it. You've got it!
This guy's done this before, right? You did this before on some weird island?
Here we go. Hey, burgundy jumpsuit!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Scott, you just concentrate, concentrate, concentrate.
He didn't block out the distractions.
- Just get in the pool. You can try it again. - Stop!
That's all right. This is why we sign waivers, everybody.
All right. Put the bags on over your head. Everyone.
Right over the top. Perfect. Okay.
Now, I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on!
Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Something else you don't need. Let's make it happen. Come on!
- Something else you don't need. Come on. Let's go.
Something completely unnecessary.
Doug, can we take our sack off?
What?
- Did you take your sack off? - I can't really hear you.
People, take off one more thing that you simply do... not... need.
- Do it. - Fuck.
Okay, um-
All right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream...
"My concentration skills need improvement. "
- One, two, three. - My concentration skills need improvement!
Easy with the laughter.
Easy with that.
That's enough. All right.
- Who's up for some team building, huh? Let's do it!
Let's head over to the productivity obstacle course.
Guy, slap the clothes back on.
Let's just watch the assumptions. That's all it is.
Yeah, is this Chicagoland Pepsi?
Connect to Kevin Conoway, please?
Richard Wehlner.
Brighten the week with a sweet from Donaldson's...
the champion of excellence.
Scott, lot the full week?
Pepsi's sending a new season of stuff. Yep. Kevin wants Richard.
- PepsiCo's chips and paperware- - That's six days of bad cards from the lot.
I got two weeks before the board decides about Augusta.
That's one week of suck cards. Come on, Fargas.
- What, are you callin' me by my last name now? - Scott.
Kevin wants Richard. That's Pepsi. Don't make a stink about it.
You know what? I'm takin' lot. Give it to me. They got lot concerns at Augusta.
I'm gonna get some prime lot cards. I'm gonna show 'em I can do it.
- Awesome. - I'm gonna jam for six days.
Awesome.
Let's make it happen!
Hey, remove yourself! Get your pizza off there. Get your butt off my car!
Fuck you, Mr. Chopsticks. You Chungking fuck ass.
Hey, show some respect! Where is someone? Can someone please help me?
That's addressed to the board, for the cards.
They want the fresh ones.
Gordon "Jiminy. " A kid hanging out in your lot kidney punched me...
because I offended him, I guess, by doing nothing.
Kidney punched me.
There's a little bit of a lack of security in your lot...
'cause your security guy was sleeping in my car.
Okay. The, uh- The fucking chip is fixed...
and, uh, here we go- right towards my own private vehicle...
because that's how much confiidence I have in this.
Remember, this could be your daughter.
Fuck!
...as I offer you a blueprint for success in the workplace.
And, like the eagle, you'll create a commanding atmosphere around-
Richard Wehlner.
If you ever have to choose between working inside and outside...
at a major American grocery store, choose inside.
Inside you have some freedom. You have places to hide.
You can catch a breeze off the dairy cooler. The girls work inside.
Mmm.
Outside sucks.
I just wanted to let you know that everything was top-notch.
Yes.
You guys are really getting your shit together.
I fuckin' had it for a while there, but I've sensed a shift. Hey, good shift.
Keep on truckin' in that direction.
I'll be a repeat customer.
...cuttin' grass and shit?
I can call the police. So, just so you know, this is Donaldson's property. You're trespassing.
- I'm on a parkin' lot. - It's our lot.
- Fuck you. - Heh, your ma's courteous. She took my ride, sissy.
What does that mean? Hey! Well, give 'em back!
Fuckin' get 'em.
Fuck!
Fuck you, man, you know? Back up.
- Back what? - Back up. I'm not fuckin' around, dick.
What you call me, motherfucker?
Get off the lot! Get off me!
- Is he serious? - Hey, he can't be fuckin' serious.
- Have a nice day! - Have a nice day!
You have a nice day, fuckin' assholes!
Aren't you on lot?
I'm tryin' to fix these cards. They got messed up.
Don't forget, those go in today.
Half hour, I'm gonna go down there.
- Who's on lot? - Just Bredon. Keith's sick.
Ah, put Octavio out. He can come off Deli.
We got it covered. You have the vest?
In my locker.
- Thanks, Scott. - All right.
I don't know what you say.
I was trying to figure out if Brian... "Grall's"card...
said, "Your employees were very... courageous"?
I wondered, were any of them courageous?
Esteban? No. Little Esteban? No.
- Hey. - Then I thought, fuck.
I found a whole stack of D.E. 's in your locker.
- Stauber. - Yeah.
A whole stack.
Scott, man, lot's so messed up.
I know it is, but it's not about you, okay?
I'm going down to the Augusta Plus.
Why don't you pack your stack and take a ride with me? I wanna see you hand these over.
Pack your stack.
A lot of the guys, when they're goin' out to assist customers with their bags...
they're doin' some lollygaggin' outside.
And everyone wants to get fresh air.
Don't get me wrong. I like fresh air...
but we need you inside, or else we're short-
Several young men taunted me with chants...
of "ching chong Chinaman" and "cinnamon face"!
You know what? I'd like you to read them to me right now.
- Out loud? - No, read them to me silently.
"My grocery list didn't include sexual harassment, but thanks.
Beth Kopins, 84."
- You want me to read all of these? - Yes.
- Fuck. - I'm sorry?
That's on the card.
"Fuck, that was a great shopping experience. "
- It doesn't say that, does it? - No.
What does it say then?
Not a good demonstration of my managerial skills.
But I just decided to bear down, motivate my staff to raise their game...
and just get more hands-on.
I was going to handle it. I was going to keep my cool and handle anything.
- Then something happened: The Tater Tot incident- - You're on the lot.
Provoked by what I call the "Yoo-hoo smash. "
Full Yoo-hoo.
Fuck!
- That's assault! I'm callin' the police. You're gone! - Suck my dick.
- You're fucking gone. All spiced up with a little Mace.
- I mean, what did he do? Did he grab you? - He, like-
A bottle hit me, and then he tugged at my shirt.
- He threw it? - I don't know, someone in the group!
Hey, you Maced him full in the face. He's in the hospital.
- Why don't you calm down? - He hit me in the head with a bottle. It's out there.
Look, pal, there's a lot of bottles out there.
What I know is, he's got a face full of liquid frenzine...
his mom and dad are upset, and I'm tryin' to figure out what he did to you.
They wanna talk to somebody- an owner, they said.
I have to call the board. Frig.
- Man, he grabbed me. - Are you going to press charges?
I don't know. I have to talk to the board. Are they? Can they?
I don't know. The parents are upset.
Javier, what are you- You just left these here?
The bag's damaged.
What, are they gonna melt? Come on, man.
This is bullshit.
This... is...
bull...
- shit! - Ow!
- Hey! Whoa! - What?
- He's whippin' stuff at me. - I was tossing them out. He walked right in front of me.
It hit me in the wrist. They're heavy.
Ow. They're frozen.
- Fuck you, Wehlner. - What is your problem?
You want to file an in-store?
- What? - An in-store. An in-store complaint?
Geez. I don't know. It just-
They're pretty dense. They're frozen potatoes.
- Man, fuck you, Richard. - What is your f'ing problem?
Something's wrong. What's been bothering you?
You know, in the case I don't get this job-
in a weird case I don't get this job-
it's going to be four more years, because there's no new store planned.
You're making too much of this new job. I mean, I can go back to school-
there's night school- and be a practitioner.
You don't need this pressure. We can do it together, just like we've done everything so far.
Jen, I don't want you waiting for the bus at night in February.
You already work two shifts. Night school? You don't want to go back.
- I don't want to, but I will. - You're not going to.
- Doug, look out! - Oh, fuck.
- Hey! Hey! - Hey.
Hey! Hey! What's your fucking problem?
He has an issue with the coupons.
- What, man? What issue? - Y-You do not honor the coupons anymore for his snacks, yeah?
- All right. I'll honor your coupons. Stop slapping me. - Okay? Stop?
You can't go around slapping people. What country are you from, Insane Land?
Hey, Jen.
- Hey, guy. - Hey.
I wonder if anyone else here...
got slapped in the eyes yesterday over a graham cracker snack?
Probably not.
I'm just gonna try to forget about that particular embarrassment...
via some beers.
Hey. Wanna top me off there, Teddy Grahams?
Are you enjoying your drink?
Then I started working at the grocery, and-
You know, that's been pretty okay.
Because you can have a family, you know?
And, uh, move up in administration.
Save a little money. You know what I'm talkin' about.
- Yeah. - You know?
So it's been good-
till this guy from Quebec comes along.
You told me about that already.
- I did? - Yeah.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's get down sexually right now...
while you play the banjo.
- Good idea. - Is that even possible?
Oh, that's the spot, dude.
- Oh, right on. - I guess so.
I had to get up early that morning, too...
to write a Mace apology speech for the community center.
I hadn't written a speech since Webelos.
"While on a courtesy patrol, the group of young men...
"approached a Donaldson's customer and me while making threats...
and I was struck in the head by a bottle of Yoo-hoo. "
How do you know who threw that Yoo-hoo?
I noticed, um, previous to the thing...
That the young man that I had the altercation with was drinking Yoo-hoo.
After I was struck, I noticed that he wasn't drinking Yoo-hoo anymore.
And there was no one else in the lot, so-
"I discharged a single pull of Mace in his direction. "
I'm glad he's recovered.
"But the incident only occurred because customer care is priority one at Donaldson's.
"It would have happened if the customer's safety was threatened...
"by a group of any creed or color.
"We at Donaldson's are proud of our ties to the community.
"We think it's a great one.
"We intend to continue to provide a courteous and safe shopping atmosphere for you...
"and we intend to continue to provide shopping carts...
"with that one wheel that just won't work right.
"We understand that the young men involved in the incident...
"are not good examples of the community, but are troublemakers...
"who there are a lot of everywhere in this day.
"The incident was unfortunate for both parties...
"but we won't let a few bad apples spoil the batch.
You can be sure of that. Thank you for coming. "
- I think everybody's feeling pretty good about it. - Yeah.
- It's isolated. - Oh, yeah. It's a one-time thing.
What's that?
I agree. It's isolated. I think it was just some black apples.
We won't be seeing that happen again.
Black apples.
- What's that? - You said "black apples. "
- I said "bad" ones. - The fuck you said "bad. "
- Bad apples. - You said "black. "
I'm sorry if there's some confusion. Maybe in the confusion, I-
Hey, come on. It's been a long day. That was a slip.
This is a lot of shit.
You are not a black apple to me.
I said that possibly there was one black one in the batch. Not you.
And I didn't mean to say black. I meant "back. "
"Blatch. " "Blad. "
"Blapples. "
Where'd you get this fucker?
Let's catch up outside. I'll hit you with some gift certifiicates.
You hear that guy?
"Where'd you get this fucker?"
Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe he's right.
You-You just-
You said "blapples," hon. It was weird.
Let's- Let's find a way for you to spend some time alone...
get cooled down.
No payments, right? No pressure.
- Right. - We'll find you something to get lost in.
Chapter Eight.
- "Keeping Your Cool. " - Fuck.
Have you ever seen an eagle blow his top?
Do your best to keep your cool.
Stay loose.
Fuck.
Every life has its frustrations...
but be careful not to let them get the best of you in front of your family.
Instead of curses, find a more family-friendly way to express life's frustrations.
Fuck you! Ship fuck! Asshole ship!
Seven seas fucker! Jolly fucker!
- For Chrissake. - No one can do that! It's impossible!
Not even a guy with tiny hands!
Not even a guy with a child's hands!
Fuck that!
I guess it was mean enjoying a rainbow cone...
to celebrate Richard's racial slur.
But I had a feeling he was starting to crack.
A couple more little things- he mightjust fall apart.
Black apples? What an a-hole.
What do you have?
Hey. Oh, almeja sauce.
Yeah, I'm gonna make dinner tonight.
We've been stressed about getting this job, so-
I wanna make something. We're just gonna take it easy.
It's supposed to be good, Mateo and those guys said.
- You got that clam sauce? - Yeah.
- You should ask Sylvia Rojas about her almeja sauce. - Yeah? She makes it?
Almeja? That means "clam"in Spanish.
It also means something dirty- P- U-S-S-Y.
The baggers say it all day- the dirty way.
Yeah, okay, guys.
Ask her, papa. She's got a good recipe.
Should I tell him it means P-U-S-S-Y?
Or should I break him down? He put me on lot for a week.
Go ahead, learn some Spanish- the inappropriate way.
Sylvia.
Um-
Mmm!
Richard.
Did you ask Sylvia about her clam sauce?
Yeah.
You say it was the best?
Yeah.
That's pussy sauce.
What?
That's pussy sauce.
It's her pussy.
The Good Life. Chapter Nine.
"Dignity and Respect and Their Importance in the Workplace. "
Gaining the respect of colleagues does not happen overnight...
but these feelings- dignity and respect-
are a necessary part of a good life.
- Just frustrated. - Are you going to slide back to a bad place?
Not by a long shot. Lori, not by a mile.
I've just had a bad day.
I'm feeling a little turned around here.
- Maybe I'm missing home. - It's the home of the eagle.
- "It's a great place to soar," you said. - Yeah.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. Yeah.
I just feel like I'm at camp and I want to come home.
You did male gymnastics in the junior Olympics?
- What? - You were a male gymnast? Lopez said.
I don't know what they're saying. Name same as mine popped up on Google or something.
Hey, watch your soups.
What about my soups?
Your soups are sloppy.
- We're gonna be okay. - Thanks, Lori.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- I'll see you at home. - I'll see you.
I just have to log these Mesquite Crunchers.
Bye.
Hey.
Are you gonna write me up, Doug?
No, man.
Yeah, I just- I just feel like everything's getting to me.
I know.
Hey, smoke it down, bro. I would, too, but I get bad headaches.
I had some, like, lost years.
Man, I was in a motorcycle gang.
Fuck you!
I guess I'll just get everybody.
- Have a nice day, hon. - You too.
Man, come on!
We found each other and started a family.
We said we were gonna make a go of it.
It's just hard.
I mean, day care's 300. Our premiums are 400.
This dance class is $280 U.S.
Yeah.
This is what I did.
I bought a house that I can't even-
I can't even nearly afford.
I'm gonna tell Lori I toked up.
Yeah. I'm gonna tell Jen. I have to.
Because that's how you get happy-
leading an honest life no matter what your life's like beside.
So I'm telling her. Because that's a man.
Because-
If you have that "to the max" clean love-
man, that-that "all the way" love-
then you could be even, like, a midget or something...
and still light it up with a smile.
So go on, let it shine.
I'm not bullshittin'. Lori, I can make a go of it.
We're goin'. We're goin' to Glasgow, fuckin' like it or not.
Okay, great. Yeah, go visit your grammy. And then come on back, yeah?
Make it a holiday. I'll show you I can make a big dancing go of it.
Tell your grammy I said hi. I'll be seeing her.
I'll tell Grammy that you're a doper. I'll tell Grammy that.
Whoa. Lori, don't.
Okay, Chrissie. Have a little holiday with your grammy.
- All right. Let's go. - I'll be seein' ya.
Lori, make it a holiday.
- Will you get the mail in when you get home? - Yeah. No problem.
- I gotta tell you something. - Mark, you remember Doug.
- Yeah. Hey. Teddy Grahams. - Yeah, hey.
- We got surgery at 10:00. A cleft palate- two-year-old. - Okay.
- What's a cleft palate? - It's a deformation of the "mascus"- the lower face.
Medically, it's "masculari horriblus"...
which is Latin for "monster face. "
And I guess some of these kids really do feel like monsters.
But we restore them to normalcy.
You should see it, man. It's beautiful.
- Man. - Yeah.
- What? Tell me what. - Nothing. I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
- Let me show you something. - Yeah.
One way to go from planning to tell the truth to telling another lie...
is to find a gift from your wife- who has no money-
of some long-sleeved shirts...
because she believes you'll dress more formally...
as the shoo-in boss of a large grocery because you said this.
When the truth is you might stay a "short sleever"...
for the foreseeable future of thousands of days.
- Hey. I like my shirts. - Hey.
What are you doing?
It's for night school- for the school thing, for just in case.
I thought I should do it.
- Are you worried? - No. But just in case.
I didn't want to miss the sign-up. I want to save a spot.
- You have to write a check? - 180.
Don't. Because I got the job.
- They decided? - Yeah. I got the job.
- Doug! You are great! - Yeah.
Good-bye, banjo fuckers!
Yeah.
I don't know what that was.
A lie wish?
Way to go, Doug!
Whoo.
Hey, Scott, I wanted to mention, um-
My wrist is acting up a little...
from the Tater Tot thing.
So I think I should probably do that in-store.
The in-store complaint?
- Yeah. - All right.
That circulates through the company-
to the board, everywhere.
- Are you sure? - Yeah. I think that's probably for the best.
You know, in case he does it to somebody else.
- Okay. I'll get the forms. - Thanks, Scott.
Because it's flaring up.
#I could be wrong #
#I could be right #
# Could be wrong #
#I could be wrong I could be right #
#I could be black I could be white #
#I could be right I could be wrong #
In-store complaints are for real.
They're for gross and flagrant violation of company conduct.
It says it on the paperwork.
- Goddamn it. - Guys get fired for them, not promoted-
tojobs their wives already think they have.
Oye. I heard from Scott.
He say you into gymnastics all the way for males.
# Could be wrong #
#I could be right #
Our classes are a "no refund" policy.
Right. Uh-
My wife-
Due to circumstances, my wife won't be able to be my partner anymore...
and that's cash money.
You can transfer your deposit if you like.
We have one class available for singles.
#I could be wrong #
#I could be right #
- Hey, Mr. Wehlner. - Hey, Hardy.
- How you doin'? - Doin' good.
- What'd you do last night? - Went to the movies with my sister.
- You did? That sounds awesome. - Yeah.
- Guess what. - What?
- I'm growing a mustache. - All right. That's cool.
Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job in the store here.
- Thanks. You too, man. - Keep it up.
- What's going on? - Oh, nothing.
Just... Hardy.
Itjust gets sad sometimes.
Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?
Why?
'Cause retarded guys masturbate so much...
that they rub the skin off their penises.
It's just- They don't know better.
Just- They have a hard time not jerkin' off.
- Hey. - Hey, guys.
- Scott in? - Yeah.
- I think Scott's in Receiving. - Okay.
- I wanted to ask you a question about the application. - No problem.
I'll see you guys later, all right?
Hey, fellas.
What was he doing?
- Was he talking about jacking off? - Richard?
He was talking about jacking it?
In front of customers? Jacking dicks?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.
F. You!
- What? - I didn't say that.
They asked me what you said. That's what you said.
- You know what? Fuck you, Doug. - That's what you said.
How's your wrist? How's your wrist, Richard?
- You're bogus. - I'm bogus?
You lace that thing on, try to fuck me out of a job - out of money for me and my wife.
Those things weigh 62 grams.
I don't know what a gram is, but I guess that's a lot 'cause you're hurt.
Get off me, Wehlner!
See you later, Tappy.
What, are you wearing tap shoes?
Lori left me, little boy.
It's the only class I can attend as a single.
Goddamn! Come on!
Is that guy wearing tap shoes?
Come on!
- Fuck off! - Yeah?
Come on, dick! Come on!
- Fuck you! - Hold it! Not cool!
Not cool! Go inside.
Sorry, Scott.
- Dancing bear. - Yeah, wife liar!
I was lunching with Jen...
trying to forget about it and roll into the crucial second interview.
Then I spied that Big World.
Remember Do-Good and Dodo?
Dodo makes lunchtime unpleasant for everyone.
Do-Good shares his peanut brittle with the new... Negro.
"Negro"?
What the fuck?
- Hey, babe. - Hey.
Sometimes, Do-Good cleans up a mess...
even if he didn't make it.
Dodo is sometimes simply not a good young man.
Hey, Lori. It's me.
Hey, uh, tomorrow's the big day- the final sit-down.
You know, the final interview thing.
Then they make their decision.
Hey, guess what. I'm taking tap dancing.
The studio wouldn't give me the deposit back, so I'm tappin'.
I've gotta say I really like it. It's real-
It's a real dance style. Very expressive.
Um, anyway, whatever. I'm still dancin', practicin'.
And, uh-
Listen, Lori.
I love you, and I miss you.
Bye.
#And deep down we were really in love #
# Oh, but I'm tired of holdin' on #
# To a feelin' I know is gone #
A man probably has just a half dozen or so...
really critical days in his life- that's all-
a few days that can totally determine the quality of his future.
This chapter is dedicated to helping you- Richard Wehlner-
to make the most of the few really golden opportunities many of us will actually have.
So let's let this classic track take us into Chapter 10.
"Time for Me to Fly. "
# Time for me to fly #
# Oh, I've got to set myself free #
- # Time for me to fly # - # Oh, baby #
# That's just how it's got to be #
# Oh, I know it hurts to say good-bye #
#But it's time for me to fly #
#It's time for me to fly #
#It's time for me to fly ##
By the way, don't tell anyone that track's on here.
Because I didn't pay for the licensing.
You have to pull the card back out.
Orange Line, Midway. Now changing to direct.
We have a temporary delay.
# When #
# Whenever Paul #
# Thinks of rain #
#Swallows fall #
#In a wave #
#And tap on his window #
Chapter 12. "Finishing Strong. "
I've written this chapter as a reminder of your new skills.
Perhaps you'll choose to listen to this passage...
on the morning of your most important day.
So here it goes, because you're ready.
Richard Wehlner-
is totally number one.
Because- Richard Wehlner-
shows true grit.
Richard Wehlner - is not afraid to put others under his thumb...
because- Richard Wehlner- totally does more than what's expected.
#Rings just once #
#Late at night #
#Like a bird #
#Don't be scared #
#Don't believe you're all alone #
# Wake #
# Wake up, Paul #
# Whisper clouds #
#Rolling by #
#And the seeds ##
Is there anything you'd like to add?
Just that I'd give the new store my all.
I think you would.
Good. So if there's nothing else...
send in jack apples.
Let's get apple jacker's interview over with.
That cheese cracker.
Good luck.
Because you're gonna need it.
Before I get Richard, I just-
We have this bag boy - Hardy. I wanted to tell you that, when you thought...
that Richard Wehlner was talking trash talk, as you said...
Richard was just letting me know there are parts of Hardy's life that made him sad.
- That's all. - Which parts?
Um, the parts where Hardy can't stop masturbating his penis.
So he has a powdered right hand for a deterrent.
Wouldn't powder make the experience better?
Uh, probably, but-
This is a specific powder with sandpaper-like qualities, I think.
All I'm saying is that- Richard is a good guy.
He's not out of line or inappropriate.
I wanted you to know.
He's a real good grocer.
So if there was no inappropriate talk...
I guess that leaves you guys on equal footing.
Yeah. I guess.
Tell Richard we'll be with him in five minutes.
Are you all done?
They said wait around.
- For what? - They didn't say.
They just said wait around.
I'm fucked.
Hey. Richard.
Doug.
We're all just out here tryin' to get some food.
Sometimes we bump into each other.
Stay loose, Doug.
#Every day, I'm gonna strut that stuff #
Hey. I've enjoyed our time together.
But now it's time for you to get out there...
and just kick everyone's ass.
See you at the yacht club, my good friend- Richard Wehln-
- Do one thing for me. - Yeah, babe.
You fix that little ship...
and you keep it cool and keep it clean, mister.
- Chrissie's sleepin'. - Okay.
Don't get f'ing tangled. Come on.
Tell me again why you're not at work.
I carved out some free time.
- On your first day? - Yep.
You didn't start your new job today, did you?
No.
You didn't actually get it yet, did you?
No.
Doug, why did you tell me that?
I said I could go back to school.
I want to be the primary breadwinner, Jen. Come on.
Female lions do the hunting.
I'm not a lion.
I'm a guy.
Get up there, son of a b.
- I was embarrassed. - About what?
Our life.
- And George Washington Carver. - George-
Who made all this stuff out of peanuts-
blankets, peanut silverware...
a peanut car, a peanut gun.
- No, he didn't. - He made some peanut stuff.
And he was a slave.
I should've made something by now.
I'm 33 years old. I sell peanuts.
I am peanuts.
You're such a guy.
Hey.
Fuck!
- I tried, babe. - I know.
I'll get the next one, babe, all the way.
- I know. - I love you.
Love you too.
- Hello. - Doug. Mitch from Donaldson's.
- Hey. - We've made our choice.
Between you and me, Richard failed his drug test- spectacularly.
So it was you and Donnie Wahls from Lakeview.
But he's pretty junior.
So I'm calling to say welcome aboard.
- Oh, man. - Yeah.
I just wanted to say welcome aboard.
Oh, hey. Welcome aboard to you too, Mitch.
- Yeah. Doug, we'll see you on the seventh at 8:00 a. m. - Okay, yeah.
- Hey-Hey, Mitch. Thanks. - See you, Doug.
Standing downtown, I thought of everything that happened.
Was I the better man?
I don't know. I just know I started running.
Maybe because I got something I needed.
And if I met Richard in the street or somewhere...
I think I could still shake his hand.
So was I the better man?
I don't know. I just felt like a man.
Man, I hadn't felt that good since I placed silver in Boys' Apparatus-
in the junior Olympics.
Yeah!
I never saw Richard again, but I heard he went back to Canada with his family...
back to his old grocery.
I also heard he put out a storage room fire with his bare hands or something...
and got promoted to manager.
There are rumors he started the fire himself for self-promotion purposes.
But either way, he's a higher-up now.
And that's cool, because he can get a place for his wife and girl.
He can save a little something off to the side for himself too.
I don't know, maybe a new chopper.
#Put your face where we can see it #
#Put it on a show on cable #
# You can really show it all there #
# Turn it on when you are able #
# Turn it on #
# Turn it on and all the way up #
# Turn it on #
#In your houses when you wake up #
# Turn it on #
# When you ain't got no relation #
# To all those other stations #
# Turn it on #
#Put your life into a bubble #
# We can pick you up on radar #
#Hit a satellite with feeling #
# Give the people what they paid for #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
# Turn it on and all the way up #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
#In your houses when you wake up #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
# When you ain't got no relation #
# To all those other stations #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
# Turn it on and all the way up #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
#In your houses when you wake up #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
# When you ain't got no relation #
# To all those other stations #
# Turn it on #
Shh. Turn it on.
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
# Turn it on and all the way up #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
#In your houses when you wake up #
# Turn it on #
# When you ain't got no relation #
# To all those other stations #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
# Turn it on and all the way up #
- # Turn it on # - # Turn it on #
#In your houses when you wake up #
# Turn it on #
# When you ain't got no relation #
# To all those other stations #
# Turn it on #