[man] You know in life when...
...when something disastrous happens,
you go back and replay everything
and you see where it went wrong?
You're tryin' to figure it out.
You're sifting through all the little things,
all of the details.
[pop music plays]
[humming along]
One of the details was this house plant
which I picked up at Trader Joe's.
Another was purchasing this bottle of poison.
And then there was...
...this kidney,
some sleeping pills,
this transaction at the bank and...
...clicking onto this adult internet site
which I had spent many, many hours enjoying.
But after all was said and done,
you could say my downfall really began
- on a fairytale kind of day... - [laughing]
...when my wife and I started talking about
having a second child.
The thing was our house.
It had two bedrooms and we wanted to expand it
to make room for a new nursery.
- So off I went to - [inaudible]
the Department of Building and Safety,
where I'd be told that our plans were not to code
and be given this variance hearing request form.
And although I'm the only one to blame
for the whole big mess you're about to see...
...still I wish I'd known upfront
about this plate of cheese and salami.
[man speaking Spanish]
[# Dean Martin: "Memories Are Made of This"]
♪ Sweet, sweet ♪ ♪ Memories you gave-a me ♪
♪ You can't beat ♪ ♪ The memories you gave-a me ♪
♪ Take one fresh and tender kiss ♪
♪ Add one stolen night of bliss ♪
♪ One girl, one boy ♪
♪ Some grief, some joy ♪
♪ Memories are made of this ♪
Hey, lookin' good.
- # Don't forget a small moonbeam # - Lookin' good, guys.
Muy bien, amigos.
♪ Fold in lightly with a dream ♪
- # Your lips and mine # - [lawn mower running]
[people cheering]
[glass clinking]
[woman] Can I have everybody's attention, please?
[man] Quiet, quiet, please. My gorgeous wife
would like to pontificate about the happy couple.
- Thank you, thank you. - Sweetheart.
[clears throat] Uh, you guys have now been married
for ten years,
which is a very, very, very long time.
Very, very, very long time.
- In a good way. - In a great way.
Uh-huh. And, um...
we just really wanna say congratulations.
Jeff, you are...
one of my oldest and dearest friends,
and I'm so happy that you're this lucky in love.
- To Jeff and Nealy! - [all] To Jeff and Nealy!
Ten more years!
♪ Sweet, sweet ♪ ♪ Memories you gave-a me ♪
♪ You can't beat ♪ ♪ The memories you gave-a me ♪
♪ With his blessings ♪ ♪ from above... ♪
[song fades]
[whispers] Nealy.
Remember when we were twenty-two?
We used to F-U-C-K like three times a day.
[chuckles] What do you say,
when you get little buddy guy into his bed,
we go relive our youth in ours?
You know, I...
I had so many of those, um,
Copper River salmon finger foods.
[chuckling] I just...
I really think I'd puke.
Hey, babe. Thanks for clicking me.
My name is Jasmine Jane.
I think of myself as a tasty fruit
and I would love to make your banana cry.
[alarm beeping]
[groans]
Nealy.
Come here.
Whoa.
What did this?
No idea.
Hey, Jeff! You think maybe it's gophers?
[camera clicks]
Nealy.
It's raccoons.
[coughs]
Buenas dias, Senor Lang.
Hey, how's it going, Alma? You all right?
- I'm going inside, too. - You're gonna go inside? OK.
Will you say bye to me first?
I gotta go, I gotta go to work.
Ahhh.
[Jeff] All right, have fun today, OK?
- [boy] OK. - OK, I love you.
[car alarm beeps]
[boy taunting]
[shouts]
[car beeping]
Whoa! Whoa!
Sorry.
[cat hisses]
[meows]
[sirens blaring]
Hi, Traci.
- Hey, Dr. Lang. - How you doin'?
- Good. - Good to see you.
Thank you. [Chuckles]
[chatter, grunts and groans]
Good shot, Doc. Keep takin' that!
Hey, good playin' tonight, Doc. You were on fire.
Thanks, man. What happened to you?
You were lookin' sluggish out there.
Well, that'll happen when you're 50
and workin' double shifts to make ends meet.
But if you wanna hit the weight room right now,
we can see which one of us is stronger.
Oh... no, no, no, no. I don't wanna embarrass you.
[chuckles] All right, Doc.
[Jeff] So we got a notice from the Department
of Building and Safety this morning.
It turns out the city wouldn't even consider
our variance request.
- Oh. - Yeah. But...
I say screw it.
We go ahead without the permit.
Yeah, but what if we get caught?
I mean, wouldn't we have to tear it all out and redo it?
It would cost like twice as much.
I'm sure we could avoid getting caught.
What if the whackadoodle neighbor complains?
[chuckles] The whackadoodle neighbor.
[sighs] Well...
I think we can persuade her not to.
[knocking]
[dog barking]
Hello.
Hello, Dr. Lang.
- I was just stopping by... - Quiet, Steven!
[whimpers]
Sorry.
No problem.
So, the reason I was stopping by is
we're planning on doing a little home improvement next door
and I wanted to apologize for any inconvenience in advance
and give you this as a token of my appreciation.
It's a beautiful plant.
A lovely flower.
Well, I really tried to pick out just the perfect one.
Well...
...I should probably skedaddle.
Bye.
[laughing]
[grunts]
[Nealy] Look! There's Daddy! [Laughs]
Watch your step.
Now when these little suckers run down this tree...
[wind chimes chiming]
...I can hear them coming and I can run outside
and scare the living S-H-I-T out of them.
Great.
[boy] Are the raccoons up there?
[Nealy] Daddy thinks they're up there.
That's why Daddy is spreading stinky coyote urine
all over to scare them off,
even though we've got tons of real coyotes all over the place.
Actually, it's mountain lion urine.
Higher up on the food chain,
and I think it smells delicious.
Hey, you know, maybe we should think about putting in
a series of pathways and pocket gardens,
like out front, and not give the raccoons anything to turn over.
[footsteps running]
[grunts]
[wind chimes chiming]
[rustling]
[raccoon chittering]
[whispering] Go.
[hisses]
[whispering] Hey! Drop that!
[whispering] Stop!
[whispering] Come on!
[whispering] Fucker!
Hey, Doc.
Hey, Lincoln, what's up? Where is everybody?
Don't know, Doc. No one showed up yet.
How's the baby business?
- It's good. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Gotta warm up.
How's everything for you?
You, uh, you still workin' at that nightclub?
Oh, no.
Quit that a while back, too much strife.
Working for the, uh, Manufacturers Mineral Company...
hauling, uh, rocks and gravel.
It's been cool.
I was gonna ask you about that shirt,
- but it says "Leonard" on it. - That's my name, Doc.
Lincoln's just a nickname my teammates gave me in college.
- Basketball teammates? - Yep.
They used to call me "Link"
because, uh, when I joined the squad,
fellas said they no longer had a weak link in the lineup.
Then that became "Lincoln,"
because I led 'em out of the slavery of a third place team.
I guess it doesn't surprise me you were such a stud in college.
- Yeah? - When we first started playing together,
- before you got old and slow. - Oh, damn, man. [Laughs]
I, uh, I thought you played well enough to have been pro.
I almost did, Doc, but it wasn't in the cards.
Huh. Why not?
Well, I'll tell you the story if you want to hear it.
- Yeah, sure. - All right.
Whoo. Good shot.
It was my sophomore year...
...and we had a real good team.
I mean, real good.
We had, uh, just won the big game.
- Clinched our conference. - Wow.
And, uh... damn.
It was like a dream, Doc.
Like a real dream.
[muffled] They get in this huge car accident and that's it.
That's it. His career's over.
It's like over
and like right, right when he would turn pro, too.
It's, it's, it's like a crusher.
He's always got these pieces of gauze taped to his arm.
Turns out the poor guy's got kidney failure.
[toilet flushes]
Jesus.
It's amazing how you can know someone for so long,
but you never really know 'em.
Wow.
[spits]
He's got these terrible, cracked teeth.
I was thinking about paying for him to go to the dentist,
but I don't know.
Well, you know, if his passion's really basketball...
- Mmm. [Spits] - ...you should talk to Ron's sister
about that school she runs.
Maybe they have a coaching job open.
That's not a bad idea.
[knocking]
Hi.
Sorry to bother you, Dr. Lang,
but when your guys broke through your wall the other day
a bunch of dust got into my house.
Oh. I'm really sorry about that.
[dog whines]
I also, I, I noticed that you're
expanding your front room towards our house.
- Right. - I looked it up for me on the internet.
The code is to leave a five foot passage.
[dog growls]
What can I do?
You can't see it anymore because I spent hours
cleaning everything with white vinegar and a toothbrush.
[chuckles] But you can see it on the TV here.
Oh.
Wow, well, I can have the guys working on my project
come by and clean up for you.
I hardly think that a, a laborer
who hammers and saws all day would know
how to clean my house.
Yeah, you might be right about that.
And this has been very, very hard on me.
I mean, with all this dust just, it's just floating around.
Just look! It's everywhere! See?
It's everywhere! Here, you see it?
I mean, you're a doctor.
You've heard of environmental illnesses.
- Sure, I've heard of 'em. - That's, that's why I keep this
basil leaf pinned to my lapel. It purifies the air.
[inhales deeply] My naprapath suggested it.
It's been a lifesaver.
Well, I'm very happy to pay for a professional cleaning service
if you need it. Whatever the cost.
You give me the bill, I'll write the check.
I just want you to be happy.
That's very nice of you.
Not at all.
All right, I should get goin', so...
- Dr. Lang? - Yeah?
I heard you last night... [chuckles]
...try to scare away your raccoons.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
[chuckling] That's OK.
I don't sleep much anyway.
- You don't sleep? - No.
I get a little every few weeks, but...
...basically I'm a night creature.
Huh.
Well, I could get you some samples of Ambien
from the office. It might help with that.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know what?
I'll drop 'em in your mailbox
when I get home from work.
[whistling]
[grunts and groans] Nealy!
Wow, this stuff is burning the skin of my hand
just touching it!
[groans]
- [sighs] - I doubt a raccoon
is gonna come back here
after he snorts up a nose full of this.
[exhales]
So... I read online today about this guy...
...he sticks a barrel into his grass
and he throws steaks in, and during the night,
the raccoons, they jump in,
but they can't climb out.
He runs a hose from his garage out of the tailpipe from his car,
he sticks a lid on and asphyxiates them.
You know, I really don't feel like talking about this
five nights a week.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bore you.
We should re-landscape without sod,
like I keep telling you.
You know, fifteen hundred square feet of grass
and a new irrigation system was expensive.
You just don't throw it away.
Please don't use that tone with me.
I didn't use any tone with you.
OK, don't deny using a tone when you use a tone.
I'm not crazy, I know what I just heard.
I didn't call you crazy.
But you implied it, though, didn't you?
As if I'm not sane enough to judge your tone of voice.
- Maybe you are crazy. - Oh, oh, right.
Oh, oh, now the truth comes out.
- Well, you want to know the truth? - Yeah, sure, I love the truth.
OK. The truth is, you are the crazy one, OK?
- Right, yes, of course I am. Yeah. - With these goddamn raccoons,
you are acting like a complete fucking deranged moron.
Now I'm acting like a fucking deranged moron?
- Keep your fucking voice down. - You keep your fuckin' voice down.
Don't you dare wake up Miles.
This is it! This is perfect!
This is just what you want, isn't it?
- What is what I want? - You want me to get crazy
- so you can remind me of how crazy I get... - Oh, mission accomplished!
...when you make me apologize to you!
You're crazy with your fucking Indian pepper bullshit!
Hey! I'm working on our fucking lawn for our son!
- What? - But of course I'm the crazy one!
And of course you have no fucking responsibility
- at all in this fight! - You know what,
just go fuck one of your raccoons!
More likely than fucking you!
- [raccoons chittering] - [wind chimes chiming]
[sniffs]
[rooster crows]
Hi, Jeffrey. Fancy meeting you here.
Uh, here's for your cleaning service.
- [timer ringing] - Thank you.
Oh, your timing's impeccable.
I have a surprise for you, come on in.
I'd love to come in, but I've gotta get to work.
Come on in.
I won't bite.
Now just wait here, just a sec.
OK.
I found these really great blueberries
at the farmer's market the other day
and it inspired me to do some baking.
So...
I hope you like pies.
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Well, the blueberries were so beautiful,
I had to do something with them.
Did you know they're a superfood?
And, and the crust is gluten-free
which means I didn't use flour.
I used spelt.
By the way...
[sighs] ...I'm sleeping so much better,
thanks to your magic little pills.
Oh, that's good to hear.
- [chuckles] - [cell phone ringing]
And Jeff, you haven't seen my Matthew
wandering around the neighborhood, have you?
- Uh... - My cat.
- Your cat? - He didn't come home last night,
but you know how cats are, nine lives and all.
Actually, I was thinking about buying a miniature camera
and attaching it to his collar
to see where he skulks around to.
- Oh, that's, uh, an idea. - [chuckles] Yeah.
Thank you.
[woman] Hey, babe. Thanks for writing.
I really would love to get together with you
one of these days for a, uh, a rubdown.
[chuckles] Hope to see you soon.
And if we do get together,
don't forget to bring your friend...
...Mary Jane.
[chuckles]
You're sweating.
Well, I walked here.
I tried to get here as fast as I could.
Is everything all right? What's goin' on?
Yeah, just needed to talk to a friend and have a drink.
- You want one? - Of course.
Have I ever said no to that question after twelve?
So what are we talkin' about here?
We are talking about...
...infidelity.
- [chuckles] - I believe you have some experience with that.
Uh, yes, I do.
Uh, is Mister Virgin Mary being unfaithful?
[chuckles] No.
Not unfaithful. [Lnhales]
- Not technically. - Oh. [Chuckles]
But I have been emailing with girls on the internet.
Girls on the internet.
OK, what, what kind of girls on the internet?
Sensual massage therapists.
Oh, you mean whores?
I guess.
OK, well, I think
that sleeping with a prostitute
"technically" counts as being unfaithful.
No, no, I am not sleeping with them, that's the point.
I just get off on flirting with them online.
I don't go through with it.
Though truthfully,
I do think about it.
When was the last time you and Nealy had sex?
[chuckles]
Oh, uh...
- ...it was make-up sex. - [Rebecca] Really?
- [Jeff] Yeah. - [Rebecca laughs]
[Jeff] Do you wanna hear about it?
- [Rebecca] Yes, of course. - [Jeff] OK.
Uh, well, I was fuckin' around online,
you know, looking up porn, checking out my internet chicks,
- my net whores. [Laughs] - [laughs]
- Oh, God, I never learn. - No, you don't. [Laughs]
[Jeff] All right, all right.
Anyway, a few hours later,
I get a call from Nealy.
- She's read all my emails. - No!
[Jeff] Yeah. Suffice to say, she is not too pleased.
[Rebecca groans] - Of course, I can't leave to go talk to her in person.
My patient's labor's going on all night, so the next morning,
I have some flowers delivered to her store
- with a very cheesy love poem. - [laughs]
But when I finally get home, she's still at her shop,
so I go for a run to clear my head
and I decide to make a whole romantic dinner for her.
It was going great.
It seems like we were really communicating
until she just gets weird.
She gets really emotional, really serious,
and then she says something like,
"I think about going out
and fucking other people, too." [laughs]
- [Rebecca laughs] - I don't know, it was so weird.
It just gets weird.
She turns and she runs off
and we end up doing it.
You know, having sex, and that was like,
uh... six months ago.
- Huh. - [both laugh]
Well, don't laugh.
Why not? It's funny, right?
- Maybe to you. - It's hilarious.
But who am I to laugh?
I think it's been like a year since Pete and I fucked.
Wow.
This place is depressing.
What do you, what do you say we order a couple more
and take 'em to go?
Go, go, go, go!
Do you think the bartender's on to us?
We have to make a quick getaway.
No, no, no, not with open alcohol.
Come on, let's walk around a bit.
- It's a nice day. - OK, OK.
All right.
So what happened with your raccoons?
They still driving you crazy?
Yes. In fact,
I was thinking about buying a gun and camping out
- on my roof to shoot them. - Oh, Pete has a gun.
- You could just borrow it. - Are you serious, he has a gun?
I swear to God, you could blow your varmints to smithereens!
[chuckles]
- Oh, wow. - Yeah.
Mind if I get inside?
No, just don't tell him. It's his precious.
Yeah, of course it is.
[sighs]
- [horn honks, radio blasts] - [laughs]
- Is it loaded? - Yeah.
No. [Laughs]
I double checked.
You know, I have never held a gun before.
Really?
Do you feel macho?
Oh, yeah. Like Magnum, P.I.
[both laugh]
What do you say, for old times sake?
The life of a psychotherapist.
- So lucky. - Am I lucky?
Uh, if you get called into your office for an emergency,
all you have to do is talk to one of your patients.
I think we went through all of medical school high.
Maybe we did.
I just can't seem to remember.
[laughs]
[sighs]
When the net chicks say they're 420-friendly,
that's when they really get me.
Really?
[inhales] Yeah.
I used to love screwing while stoned.
I found it to be very freeing.
Unfortunately for me,
since Nealy got pregnant,
just the idea of marijuana makes her paranoid.
[inhales]
[changes music, turns louder]
[# New Edition: "Cool it Now" playing]
♪ Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike ♪
♪ If I like the girl ♪ ♪ who cares who you like ♪
♪ Cool it now... ♪
[both laugh]
Come on, come on with me, right here.
- Right here, come on. - No.
I have... No.
- I, I, I, I have an idea. - [laughs] What, what, what?
- I have an idea. - [stereo turns off]
What? What?
I think that you should take this home...
- [laughing] ...and smoke it. - [laughs]
Listen to me.
I think you should climb in bed...
OK, take this, and lay some pipe.
[both laugh]
Sounds like a great idea, but that will not happen.
- Why not? - Oh.
[mimics Nealy] Just the smell of it,
just, just the smell...
...it just makes her uptight.
[laughs] So smoke it outside. She won't even know.
[laughs]
[gasps]
[car horn honking, stereo blasting]
[laughing]
[# Salt-N-Pepa: "Shoop"]
[exhales]
♪ Here I go, here I go, here I go again ♪
- # Girls, what's my weakness? # - # Men! #
♪ OK then, chillin', chillin', ♪ ♪ mindin' my business ♪
♪ Yo, Salt, I looked around, ♪ ♪ and I couldn't believe this ♪
♪ I swear, I stared, ♪ ♪ my niece my witness ♪
♪ The brother had it goin' ♪ ♪ on with somethin' kinda...uh ♪
♪ Wicked, wicked Had to kick it ♪
♪ I'm not shy so I asked for the digits ♪
♪ A ho? ♪ ♪ No, that don't make me ♪
♪ See what I want slip slide ♪ ♪ to it swiftly ♪
♪ Felt it in my hips so I dipped back ♪
♪ To my bag of tricks ♪ ♪ Then I flipped for a tip ♪
♪ Make me wanna do tricks for him ♪
♪ Lick him like a lollipop ♪ ♪ should be licked ♪
♪ Came to my senses ♪ ♪ and I chilled for a bit ♪
♪ Don't know how you do ♪ ♪ the voodoo that you do ♪
♪ So well it's a spell ♪ ♪ Hell, makes me wanna ♪
♪ Shoop shoop shoop ♪
- # Shoop ba-doop # - [panting]
♪ Shoop ba-doop ♪ ♪ ba-doop ba-doop ♪
♪ Shoop ba-doop ♪ ♪ Shoop ba-doop ♪
♪ ba-doop ba-doop ♪
♪ You're packed and you're ♪ ♪ stacked 'specially in the back ♪
[car alarm beeps] ♪ Brother, wanna thank your mother ♪ ♪ for a butt like that ♪
♪ Can I get some fries ♪ ♪ with that shake-shake booby? ♪
♪ If looks could kill ♪ ♪ you would be an Uzi... ♪
- [door closes] - [song continues, muffled]
[beeping]
[woman's voice] Searching for Hell.
Still searching.
[answering machine beeps]
Hello. Hello, my name is Lilith...
[exhales] My name is Lilith Wasserman
and I'm calling about my cat, Matthew...
...who is missing.
[rooster crows]
OK, little man.
Give Mommy a big hug and kiss and say, "I love you.
Brought you breakfast. Surprise!" OK?
Now, now, now!
- [blows whistle] - [shrieks] Hello.
[laughs] Hello, good morning.
[gasps] Breakfast in bed?
Wow. Thank you. Thank you.
- [Miles] Mmm! - I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
You can eat the breakfast if you want.
I can? Do you wanna have some, too?
Yeah.
[Nealy] Yeah? You want a blueberry?
[Miles] I already had one.
Hey, can I smell this flower?
[Nealy] Absolutely.
[car alarm beeps]
Hey, Link!
Hey, Doc.
What the heck you doing here?
- Lookin' for you. - [chuckles] Seriously?
I want to talk to you about something.
You came all the way out to the mineral plant
to talk to me?
I had the day off. It's a short drive.
Well, it's good to see you.
Well, I hope you won't be offended
by what I'm about to say.
I don't know. What are you about to say?
Well, look, I took the liberty of contacting
a friend of a friend who runs a middle school.
It's a good school with a serious athletic program.
Turns out a coach over there is leaving
and they'd love to interview you if you're interested.
I hope that's not insulting.
Oh, no, Doc.
I'm... touched.
Mind if I ask you why you're doing this for me?
I just...
I guess I just felt like it.
Here, um...
Here's the coach's name and number.
He's expecting your call.
My number's on there too, just in case.
Thanks, Doc.
[car beeping]
[Lila] Dr. Lang!
[tires screech]
Dr. Lang! Dr. Lang!
Dr. Lang!
Doc...
Dr. Lang!
- Dr. Lang! - [elevator door closes]
[pounds button]
I think you left this in my car.
Pete, you wanna go in...
Eh! There's nothin' to talk about.
Becca's already spilled the beans.
I taught you how to make pesto, for God's sakes.
You sleep with my wife?!
[whispering] I can't talk about this here...
[people murmuring]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[chatter]
[elevator dings, door opens]
Rebecca, it's Jeff. It's urgent. Please call me back.
[footsteps approaching]
Hey, there.
I'm sorry you had to see that back in my office.
I'm not sure what you actually overheard.
May I ask what you were doin' there?
I need to show you something.
[crying]
What is it?
[whines]
[gasping]
[Jeff] Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Sing with me?
- Sing? - Sing with me?
♪ Day is done ♪
[hums awkwardly]
♪ Gone the sun ♪
♪ Sun ♪
- [cries] - Aww.
[crying and singing] ♪ From the lakes ♪
♪ From the hills ♪
♪ From the sky ♪ [cries]
Oh, God, no. [Sobs]
Oh, God, no!
No! No!
[softly] Oh, my God.
[crying continues]
Why?
[sobbing] Why?
Ohh... no.
He was so wonderful.
[crying] All he wanted to do was play.
I could really use a hug.
[whimpers]
[crying]
It's OK. It's OK.
There you go.
Jeffrey?
Do you know Sonya Fitzpatrick?
- No. - She's a pet medium on TV,
but she has a private practice.
And when my first Yorkie, Max, died,
she gave me a lot of comfort. So...
so when...
...when I finally
found Matthew's body...
[sniffs] ...wedged like,
like a piece of debris...
between the recycle bin and the garbage,
I called her, and do you know what she said?
What?
As he was dying...
...in excruciating pain...
...he was wondering where I was.
Well, he's, he's at peace now.
[sniffs] Maybe.
Maybe he's lost in the dark swirling abyss of nothingness.
[inhales] I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry, Lila.
Of course you are. Of course you're sorry.
Because you poisoned him trying to kill your raccoons.
It's OK.
I know you weren't trying to hurt him.
You were trying to make it...
[sniffs] ...nice and pretty
for your family in the backyard.
[exhales]
I bet Mrs. Nealy Lang was...
I bet she was really upset that her sod was all messed up.
[sniffs] I bet...
I bet she put a lot of pressure on you...
...to fix it.
[whispering] Can I tell you a secret?
[whispering, indistinct]
[exhales]
[chuckles]
[exhales]
- [whispering] Open. - No.
Please. I am sorry for your loss,
but I am your neighbor and I'm a married man, Lila.
[laughs]
You forgot to mention that I disgust you.
No.
No...
Oh, don't lie to me, just say it.
- That's not it. - Oh, "married man"?
"Married man"? Please.
You're a dirty philanderer.
You're stupid, too.
What, you're just leaving clues around for somebody to find.
Careless!
Do you want to be caught?
- [exhales] - [quietly] Maybe you should.
Maybe you should get caught.
Maybe I should go out on the street
and I should scream it for the world to hear
that Dr. Jeffrey Lang is a cheating, cat-killing liar!
You know, it's against the law
to kill wildlife in this state!
Statute ten-dash-thirteen twenty-six.
You could do six months in jail.
[tearfully] And I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know what to do here.
[sniffs]
I'm feeling very...
...swimmy...
...swimmy with death
and saw dust and...
...power hammers in the middle of the night.
We didn't do any construction in the middle of the night.
Well, how would I know
when you gave me those bizarre pills that doped me?
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to shout at you.
[exhales]
I just...
I'm very upset about Matthew.
Of course you are.
The main thing is...
I wanna somehow find a way
to try to make it up to you.
So in a few days,
when you've had a chance to mourn,
we can get coffee and discuss it.
- I'd like that. - Good.
- I'd really like that. - Good.
OK, great. Now...
- Dr. Lang? - Yeah?
I had a really funny dream a few nights ago.
You and I, we lived in the countryside.
In England.
And we rode horses everywhere.
And mine was a...
Oh, he was a big white stallion
with a silvery mane. And yours was a beautiful Arabian.
And we were in the forest...
...and the light was dim,
and we were galloping past each other,
we were passing each other by when we both...
...we made our animals stop.
I mean, I know you could say it was just a dream
but it...
What happened next felt...
It felt very real to me.
And... if you would
like me to show you what I did...
You, you don't, you don't even have to agree,
just... just don't disagree.
And then it will be like...
...you're not doing anything at all.
I wouldn't want you to get in trouble.
[exhales]
[undoes zipper]
[sucking noises]
[exhales]
[groans]
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
[moans] Yeah, that...
[chuckles]
- Wait. - Hmm?
- Don't stop. - [laughs]
[breathes heavily]
[groans]
[exhales]
[groans]
[chuckles]
I feel you... getting bigger.
[laughs]
- [groaning] - [dog barking]
[laughing]
[breathing heavily]
Wait...
No, no, I want you in me.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Please! Lila! - [screams]
Inside of me!
[screaming]
[laughs]
[mouthing] Oh, fuck.
[Nealy] Ready? [makes car noises]
- Look! Who's that? - Hey.
- Daddy's home. - Hey, buddy.
- [Miles yelling] - Yeah!
- [Jeff] Very cute. - [water running]
Peter Mazzoni stopped by the house today.
Peter Mazzoni stopped by the house?
[doorbell rings]
Yeah. He said you guys were
working on some deal together?
Right, yeah. Uh...
...he wants me to invest in a new restaurant of his.
- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.
Wow, well, everything that guy touches turns to gold.
Maybe we should consider it.
Yeah, maybe.
Friend here to see you.
[Peter] All right, thanks, Jen.
- [keys clacking] - [receipt printing]
I'll be with you in a minute, Jeff. Have a seat.
So...
[kissing noise]
Afternoon.
I heard you stopped by my house.
Yeah. There's no restraining order on me yet, is there?
- What do you want? - What do I want?
I wanna fuck your wife up the ass
while your two year old watches me hack you into bits.
That's what I want.
I've decided not to do it.
OK.
Instead, I'm gonna offer you a choice.
You pick up this phone, right now,
you call your wife and you tell her what you did or...
...or you give me a hundred thousand dollars
in cash for my silence.
Hey.
- Thanks for meeting me. - Of course.
So am I fucked?
What do you think?
I think he's a...
...an Italian guy from New Jersey
who likes to back up his threats.
[Nealy and Miles chatter in background]
[Nealy] So...
Did you end up meeting with Pete today or what?
- Yeah. - Yeah? And?
[chuckles]
What's the matter?
[chuckles]
[mumbles]
[sighs]
[wind chimes chiming]
[shower running]
[raccoons chittering]
[toilet flushes]
[chittering]
[whistling]
I hope I didn't keep you waitin' too long.
I got a little lost on the way.
No problem.
So... I'm sorry, I couldn't get it all.
We haven't saved much since we bought our house
but I was able to get seventy-five thousand
out of our home equity line.
Why in the world did you just do that?
[Peter] You ever hear the old saying,
"You pays your money and you takes your choice"?
No.
Well, now you have.
By the way, Becca and I are done,
so feel free to go take advantage
and poke around that cumhole all you want
'cause I don't care anymore.
I gave you a choice. I gave you a choice, Jeffrey.
You could've told your wife the truth
instead of meetin' me here.
You could've been a good guy, but no, you're a rat,
just like my wife.
You're a little punk rat,
a boy man rat. Look at you.
Just look at you.
And you deserve a lot worse
than losing some petty cash to the Skagit River.
You know, when I discovered what you did,
I was gonna kill you.
But then I remembered
I'm not that kind of man.
I'm the kind of man who makes a mistake
and then makes amends.
I'm the kind of man who got into a drunk driving accident
and nearly killed a kid, but did I get some fancy-pants
lawyer to get me off scot-free 'cause I was just below the legal limit? Uh-uh!
I prayed for forgiveness,
and I pled guilty. And when the judge ordered me
to pay a million dollars to the kid's family
and he sent me to jail for a month, did I stop there?
No. I started helping people. Volunteering.
Philanthropy.
'Cause that's the kind of guy I am.
You may wish you're that kinda man,
but you're not.
You're a scumbag home-wrecker.
You wrecked my home, Jeffrey.
You wrecked my home.
And I could just as easily wreck yours with one phone call.
But I don't need to do that.
Because you're the kinda guy
who's gonna fuck it all up himself.
[cell phone ringing]
[sighs]
[ringing continues]
Hey, Lincoln, how are you?
Very good, very good.
So guess what? I got the job, Doc.
No kidding, that's great news.
Actually, I start tomorrow.
And to celebrate, this weekend my wife and I
were thinking we could have you and your family
- over to dinner. - [beeping]
What's that noise, Lincoln?
Oh, I'm all tied up to my dialysis machine right now.
Damn thing starts makin' noises for no good reason sometimes.
- Hello? - [beeping continues]
Hello?
[chatter]
Thanks for visiting me, Doc.
Nobody ever visits me here.
Of course.
So I hope you don't mind me askin',
I was just wondering what your doctor says in terms of, uh,
how long it is before your kidneys fail?
A couple years, if I'm lucky.
So they say.
But I'm feeling strong,
and the way I see it,
if God can create the earth in seven days,
why can't I get lucky
and find myself a kidney in the next year or two?
Hey, Doc.
I hope I didn't depress you with that.
Today's a really good day.
I know, yeah, yeah, of course.
- To Doc. - To Doc.
A saint.
[chuckles] Oh, not a saint.
Well, in my book you are.
And one heck of a basketball player.
[chuckles] Oh, now are you just saying that
- to make him feel good? - [Lincoln] Well, let me tell you,
if your husband understood how to play defense,
had a better jump shot, and was about six foot nine,
he'd be killin' 'em in the NBA right now.
[laughing]
Hey, hey, you mind if I say a prayer before we eat?
Of course not.
Dear Heavenly Father,
we thank you for the food that's been prepared before us,
for the nourishment and strengthening of our bodies.
In the name of Christ Jesus, amen.
[all] Amen.
- All right, you guys can eat. - Whoo.
May I have the salt and pepper?
So you haven't told me how the team is yet.
Doc, these girls hustle like you wouldn't believe.
And there's some talent on the team, too.
Oh, that's great.
Really great.
But I've gotta tell you,
what I like the best about it is
my kids are finally excited about something their daddy does.
Thank you, Doc.
You made this possible, bro.
[exhales] You changed my life, Doc.
So why can't Angela donate?
Oh, she has some kind of congenital heart defect,
which means an operation would be risky.
[car alarm beeps]
He seems so alive, you know, and healthy.
He's so far down on the list to get a transplant it's not funny.
I know it's kind of an absurd thought, but...
...why shouldn't it be me?
Here, I've been doing a little research.
"Living organ donation."
Wow.
OK, you're serious.
You've been thinking about this for a while.
Well, a bit.
[exhales] This is...
This is amazing.
I'm just, I'm, I'm worried,
uh, what if Miles needs your kidney one day?
Well, I thought that we could do a test to make sure both
you and Miles have healthy kidneys,
and if so,
the risk is incredibly small.
I'm not opposed to doing some tests.
I actually think it's a really wonderful thought
to do something truly selfless.
[chuckles] You weren't expecting this. [Laughs]
[Lincoln] All right, there you go, there you go.
OK, pick up the rhythm, guys.
All right, good, good. Right back to the other side.
[blows whistle]
Lincoln.
Hey, Doc. What are you doin' here?
How's it goin'?
It's goin' great. The girls are great.
Yeah. Uh, I come bearing some good news.
You know I like good news.
After dinner at your house, my wife and I were talking
about your, your health situation.
And um, long story short,
the last few weeks have been all about kidney donation
and we have researched it, talked about it,
done a bunch of tests, and we came to agree
that it was the right thing to do.
So I called your doctor and...
Whoa, wait a minute.
Are you saying what I think you're sayin'?
We are a perfect match, Lincoln.
The same blood type, everything.
Doc, yes!
[laughs]
- Ahhh! - Ahhh!
Man, what am I lookin' at?
Am I looking at a man or an angel?
- [laughs] - Ladies, ladies, hold up, hold up.
This is my friend, Dr. Lang.
And he's gonna give me one of his kidneys!
[laughs] I'm gonna live!
[girls chattering]
Uh, um, take a break guys. Oh, man.
[laughing]
[tearfully] Wow, man.
[softly] Wow, man.
[crying]
[machines beeping]
- [doctor] Scalpel. - [nurse] Scalpel.
- [doctor] Sponge. - [nurse] Sponge.
[doctor] Clamp.
[nurse] Clamp.
[doctor] Ligature.
Scissors.
[Nealy] There's your daddy.
Shh, shh, shh.
[whispering] I don't know if he's awake. I'm sorry.
Hey. Hey, little guy. What's up?
[beeping continues]
[TV chatter]
- Hey, hey, Doc. - Hey.
- [chuckles] - I'm good, thanks.
All right, sir.
Oh.
My heart is warm.
I got so much love for you right now, Doc.
Gimme your hands.
[sighs] I'm so glad this worked out, Lincoln.
So am I, Doc.
So am I.
Oh. My minister came by to visit me this morning.
And we were talking about what a miracle it is, what you did,
and he had the idea to do a special service in your honor.
I don't need to be honored.
Wouldn't be for your vanity, Doc.
It'd be for our congregation,
to inspire them to do their own charity work.
I think it would be, you know, painless.
But if you'd prefer not to...
No. I'll do it.
Sounds like a good idea.
[exhales]
It is.
Aloha.
I brought you this basil plant.
These hospitals are so toxic.
So many germs.
Thank you. So...
...how'd you know to find me here?
You're in the paper.
What, didn't you know?
What a wonderful thing you did for him,
saving his life, getting him the job, everything.
No doubt... you will reap the positive karma
of this for a long time.
Um... speaking of karma,
there's something I need to tell you,
which may slam the karmic wheel of fate down on me hard.
Um...
I know I shouldn't have done it...
but after Matthew was poisoned
and before our...
[chuckles] ...you know...
...I was seeing red and I called
the Department of Building and Safety
and told them about your construction.
Anyway, they finally came by yesterday
and they... they put this on your door.
I am really sorry, Jeffrey.
[exhales] I, I...
...probably would've done the same thing
- if you'd killed my pet. - [exhales]
[chuckles]
There's something else.
I'm pregnant.
With your baby.
I know what you're thinking.
But you don't need to be worried.
It's all gonna be all right.
It will all work out.
Things always do.
No. Things don't always work out.
You want me to kill it, don't you?
[clears throat]
[screaming]
[Miles] I wanna go in the house.
[Nealy sighs] We're goin'.
[groans] OK.
[sighs]
I thought about fixing it myself,
but it just didn't seem worth it.
[chuckles]
[Lila] Don't worry, it's decaf.
I, I would never poison our baby with a
double shot of real espresso.
They say it can cause autism.
Then again, you're the baby doctor.
Hey, can I ask, um...
Are you one hundred percent certain that you're pregnant?
Yes.
[whispering] I took the test twice, I peed twice,
- just to make sure. - Lila...
Do you really think, in your heart,
that this is the right thing to do,
for you and I to be having a baby together?
Oh... absolutely. It's a miracle.
- No. - Yes, Jeff.
I feel the life growing inside of me.
- No, Lila, - I can feel it
- blooming - Lila, please.
- and blossoming and growing. - Lila, please. Lila. Look...
Lila! What fuckin' planet do you live on?!
There is no way, no chance under any circumstance,
that I'll be fathering a child with you.
Jeffrey, I want you to understand
that once our little one is born
I'm not expecting child support
or anything like that.
I just want our little one to grow up knowing his father.
And if you think about it, it's perfect.
The little one will be right next door.
You can come by and visit any time you like.
You can be like the charming uncle
and that... that wife of yours never has to find out.
She won't know.
Bye.
[baby crying]
See you later.
[knocking]
[baby continues crying]
[yelling]
[Lila] I... I don't have any medical insurance
so I thought maybe
you could help me out.
You wouldn't put anything up there
that would hurt the baby, would you?
No. I wouldn't do that.
[Lila] Does that mean...?
- It's alive. - [chuckles]
[Lincoln] Dang, Doc.
That's a pretty tight spot this woman's got you in.
You know, Doc, my mother used to say,
"It's impossible to reason with an unreasonable person."
I think that's what you're dealing with,
with this woman here.
I can barely see straight.
And the things I'm thinking, you, you couldn't imagine.
Like what?
Like all day...
...I'm fantasizing about her dying.
I must've imagined it a hundred different ways.
Actually, last night, I had a dream about it.
A wish fulfillment dream, huh, Doc?
I guess so.
What was it?
[sighs] It was ridiculous.
There were these two football players
runnin' through the woods in the park by my house
where I sometimes go jogging
and I see her walking her little dog every night at dusk.
They're just galloping through the woods
in full game day uniforms.
One of 'em hurls a ball through the air.
As it sails,
I realize it's an arrow.
It splits her head wide open.
I woke up totally relieved.
Until I realized it was just a dream.
Sick, huh?
It's gonna be all right, Doc.
[exhales]
[clears throat]
It's gonna be all right.
Meredith just called and said
that Peter and Rebecca are getting divorced.
[Jeff] "Once upon a time, but not long ago,
a mom and her girl were folding washed clothes.
When suddenly, Mom noticed something amiss.
Something weird, something crazy, a real mystery this!
'Where are the socks?'
asked Mom with a frown.
- 'I can't find them up. - [phone ringing]
- I can't find them down.'" - Hey.
Hey. Have you seen my keys anywhere?
No, I have no idea.
Uh, have you looked in your purse?
Yes, of course I looked in my purse.
You didn't take them with you when you left the house
this morning, did you?
[Jeff] No. What about Miles' toy box?
Remember when he hid the remote in there?
[humming]
[dog whining]
[Lila] Oh!
- Oh, please, please. - [dog whimpers]
I, I have a... [whimpers]
[cries]
[whispering] Please don't do it.
[whispering] Please. Please.
[groans]
[gasps]
[whimpers]
[wheezing]
[dog whines]
[rustling]
- [phone ringing] - Hello?
- [Nealy] Jeff. - Hey, honey.
So I come home for lunch today to find out
that our whackadoodle neighbor
got herself shot dead with a bow and arrow.
It happened in the park. Less than a mile away.
The police are now going door to door.
[sighs] Sort of puts a damper on tonight's celebration,
doesn't it?
[singing]
- [man] Thank you, Jesus! - [cheering, applause]
[piano playing]
[choir singing]
- Thank you. - [chattering]
[Lincoln] That's a plane, you know what that is.
No, that.
Oh, that? I don't know what that is.
That was pretty moving, huh?
Where, where are we going?
Hey.
[Jeff] I cheated my way through med school.
What?
Cheat sheets. Very elaborate,
written on little pieces of paper in every pocket.
[sighs]
When I was a kid, I had this doctor
who misdiagnosed my chicken pox as dermatitis.
I almost died. Did I ever tell you that?
No.
While I was in the hospital,
my mother and grandmother were sitting around,
I overheard my grandmother say,
"Well, I guess not all doctors made A's."
Turns out, I became one of those doctors.
I am a "study at the last minute,
slide-by, path of least resistance...
...fuckhead, C-plus" doctor.
You're a great doctor.
Look.
[sighs]
[exhales]
No... Jeff!
- What are you doing?! - [tires screeching]
Jeff, stop! Don't!
- [screams] - [thuds]
[breathes heavily]
- [tires screeching] - Don't!
- [gasps] Stop the car! - [thuds]
Oh, my God!
Stop it! Stop! No!
You are freaking me out.
What is going on? [breathes heavily]
I fucked Rebecca.
What?
[breathes heavily]
I don't mean to hurt you telling you this.
- [chuckles] - I'm just trying to
tell you the truth for a change.
Rebecca Mazzoni.
[scoffs]
- I only fucked her once. - Oh, great. Good.
But Peter found out.
[sniffs]
In the meantime...
...I accidentally...
...poisoned Lila's cat
trying to get the raccoons.
All in the same day.
She followed me to work to confront me about Matthew...
...that's her cat...
...and Peter shows up
to confront me about Rebecca.
And Lila takes off without saying a word,
so when I go to see what she wanted...
[sighs]
...she comes on to me.
- And she goes absolutely fucking ballistic. - Oh, my God.
- Threatens to tell you everything and... - Oh, my God.
...I guess a part of me wanted to have sex with her
- because I did. - [gasps and laughs]
[exhales]
Wow.
Wow. [Chuckles]
Nealy...
...uh...
...so far this has been the good news.
She, uh...
...she got pregnant.
Who got pregnant?
Lila.
Oh, God.
[breathes heavily] What?
The chances of it happening that one time
at her age are...
I...
[breathes heavily] What?
But here comes the kicker.
I didn't know who to confide in.
So I visited...
...Lincoln.
We're sitting there...
...and I mention to him
a dream I had...
...where Lila's killed with an arrow.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Nealy, I was just venting to him.
Oh, my God, Jeff.
- I didn't ask him to do it. - Oh, my God.
[breathes heavily]
But he did it.
[breathes heavily]
This is real? This really fucking happened?
Oh, my God, Jeff!
Jesus! Jesus!
[breathes heavily]
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
[laughs]
I don't know why I'm laughing.
I don't know.
[laughing continues]
[sniffs]
[sniffs, laughs]
Don't fucking come near me.
[sniffs, exhales]
I fucked somebody, too.
Before that, that big fight we had about the raccoons.
Those stupid raccoons.
I was fucking somebody.
[laughs]
I was having an affair for months.
Six months. [Sniffs]
He was a customer.
[coughs, sniffs]
I helped him pick out fabric.
It was blue corduroy. [chuckles]
He worked at the wine shop down the street.
He'd bring me plates of cheese and salami.
It's over now.
OK.
OK. Yeah.
Yeah, OK. [chuckles]
I deserve whatever I get.
What do you think you deserve?
Probably for a piano to fall from the sky and crush me.
Prison.
You leave me.
[crying] Maybe lose my son.
I don't know.
[crying]
I fucking killed somebody.
[crying] I'm responsible.
[sighs]
Look what I did to this fuckin' thing.
[crying] Do you still love me?
Yes.
[crying] I mean...
...I don't understand.
After everything I've done...
I was such an idiot.
I've lied and cheated.
[sighs]
[crying] Yes.
Yes, I love you.
I don't know what to do.
I, uh...
Tell me what to do.
Let's go.
[exhales]
[car alarm beeps]
- Hi. - Hello.
Did you have a nice time?
How's, uh, how's Miles?
Miles is very asleep.
- Good news. - Thank you.
Good night.
[door closes]
[Jeff] What now?
Turn myself in?
Turn Lincoln in?
[Nealy] Uh, I don't want to ruin
the life we've built together, Jeff.
I don't wanna...
...hurt everyone, destroy everything.
What does that mean?
If we turn him in...
...his kids grow up without a father
and Angela's a single mom.
And Miles grows up with this...
...cloud of murder and weirdness over his head,
and that's the best case scenario.
The worst case scenario is...
...a jury doesn't believe your side of the story
and you go to prison, too.
[Jeff] You think we're gonna be laying in bed
with insomnia talking about this
when we're eighty years old?
[exhales] I think we're gonna be talking about this
for a long time.
We'll talk about it and talk about it...
...until one day...
...we'll decide not to.
And then we'll worry silently for years.
Maybe we won't make it.
Maybe we'll implode with guilt.
Maybe that's what should happen.
Or maybe we'll make it through.
And eventually...
...this will fade away...
...and it'll seem like a dream we had.
[Jeff] It was true.
Everything that had happened would eventually
become a distant memory.
However, before that occurred,
I'd find myself going to this police station...
...thinking I should probably walk in
and come clean.
Thinking if I didn't, then...
...then I probably deserved whatever the worst was
that the universe could deal me.
But... in the end...
...in reality...
...I'd just get up off that bench and go home.
And at night, with our grass gone,
the raccoons kept their distance.
No one got caught and no one was the wiser.
And life just...
...went on.
[raccoons chittering]
[rock music plays]
♪ Take one fresh and tender kiss ♪
♪ Add one stolen night of bliss ♪
♪ One girl, One boy ♪
♪ Some grief, Some joy ♪
♪ Memories are made of this ♪
♪ Don't forget a small moonbeam ♪
♪ Fold in lightly with a dream ♪
♪ Your lips and mine ♪
♪ Two sips of wine ♪
♪ Memories are made of this ♪
♪ Then add the wedding bells ♪
♪ One house where lovers dwell ♪
♪ Three little kids ♪
♪ For the flavor ♪
♪ Stir carefully through the days ♪
♪ See how the flavor stays ♪
♪ These are the dreams you will savor ♪
♪ With his blessings from above ♪
♪ Serve it generously with love ♪
♪ One man, one wife ♪
♪ One love through life ♪
♪ Memories are made of this ♪
[instrumental music]