1 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,000 [# It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year: Andy Williams] 2 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,640 [screams] 3 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,880 My firm's done a tremendous amount of market research. 4 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,520 We've discovered two things: 5 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:39,920 One, most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family. 6 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:44,080 Two, most Americans feel that in order to stand being around their family, 7 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,520 for even one or two days, 8 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:49,480 they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible. 9 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,680 Now, I'd like you to meet the Noggertons. 10 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,640 They're a classic American family. 11 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,400 They're together on Christmas, they're fat-free, 12 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,200 and 1 0 percent alcohol by volume. 13 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:03,480 Enjoy our family, so you can enjoy your family. 14 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,880 What do you think? 15 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,000 So, you're suggesting we tell people the only way to get through the holidays 16 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,440 is to drink spiked egg nog? 17 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,960 I'm suggesting the only way to get through the holidays 18 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,480 is to buy your farm-fresh, fat-free, pre-spiked egg nog in a bottle. 19 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,520 - Take care. All right. - It's all good. How do you do it? 20 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,160 I'm very excited. I look forward to it. 21 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,840 It went pretty well, huh? 22 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,160 I'm a genius. 23 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,760 I feel like I could sell whale steaks to Greenpeace. 24 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,160 Nice image. 25 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,120 - Here are your tickets to Fiji. - Ah. 26 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,600 [Drew] Missy, we've been dating a while. 27 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,960 Let's take our relationship to the next level. 28 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,960 [Missy] I've hoped you would say that. 29 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,560 [Drew] I got you a little pre-Christmas Christmas gift. 30 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,240 [Missy] Yeah? 31 00:03:55,360 --> 00:04:00,160 I want you to open it now because it involves our future. 32 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,280 The future of you and me together. 33 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,160 It's kind of for both of us, in that way. 34 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,080 [gasps] 35 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,720 [breathless] Okay. 36 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,320 Tickets to Fiji? 37 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,640 Yes. First class. 38 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,240 Drew, on Christmas? 39 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,920 Christmas is the family holiday. 40 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,800 I mean, what are we doing? What is this? I mean, what is going on? 41 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,200 Where is this relationship headed? 42 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,720 Fiji. First class. 43 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:40,320 - Missy? - Uh-uh. Okay. 44 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,480 Here's an example of one of our problems. 45 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,280 You never introduced me to your family. You never mentioned your family. 46 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:47,680 Do you even have a family? 47 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:52,040 How can you be serious about me, if you're not serious about your family? 48 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,600 You need to get some serious help, Drew. 49 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,520 I think you're missing the point. 50 00:04:56,600 --> 00:05:00,240 If I told you everything about me, there'd be no more sense of mystery. 51 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:01,680 Nothing left to discover. 52 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,360 With nothing left to discover, a relationship dies. 53 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,680 You don't want this to die, do you? 54 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,080 It just did. 55 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,720 Come on. Don't be like that. 56 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,040 You're gonna be like that? Go ahead. Go. 57 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,440 I'm going to spend Christmas with my family. 58 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,440 You can spend Christmas alone. 59 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,440 [Drew] Missy. 60 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:48,960 Kathryn, I need you to get a Cartier bracelet to send to Missy. 61 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,920 Something expensive, a lot of diamonds, very flashy. 62 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,520 - lnclude a personal note from me. - What exactly do you want it to say? 63 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,200 Something personal that shows the depth of my feelings, my emotions. 64 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:03,200 - You're good. That's why I hired you. - Okay, but it's not gonna work. 65 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,680 My man. 66 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,320 Oh, Dougie! 67 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,360 Doogan. Doog-ray. 68 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,200 Douglas. 69 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,120 It's Drew. 70 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,920 Drew Latham. [chuckles] 71 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,680 Yeah. What's up, man? 72 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,480 What are you up? Ah, nothin', nothin'. 73 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,680 Hey, man, what're you doing for Christmas? 74 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,720 Family? Nice. Nice call. 75 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,440 Uh, you got room for one more? 76 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,560 Well, I think we are that close. 77 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,200 I love Jewish Christ... I'll light candles, spin the dreidel. 78 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,720 It'll be great, a matzo ball soup and baklava. 79 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,320 All right, well, that's Greek. Fine, whatever. I'm just... 80 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:52,520 You still there? 81 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,720 I know you have a baby. I'm just saying, like, you know, 82 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,960 they just lie there and crap themselves, right? 83 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,440 After a while, how interesting is that? 84 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,400 No, I'm not saying anything bad. I'm just sayin'... 85 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,160 Huh? 86 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,920 Well, maybe, your wife doesn't have to come, man. 87 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,920 Maybe it's me and you for Christmas. 88 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,480 You ever think about that? 89 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:20,080 Would you mind if I came by to your house and spent Christmas? 90 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,080 It's like one or two, three days, tops. 91 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,280 [pen scratching] 92 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,480 [sighs] All right. 93 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,040 Merry Christmas. 94 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,240 [jet engines roaring] 95 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,040 [man] Okay, right over here. Everybody stay together. 96 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,720 All real good. Okay, you've got Tu-Tu... 97 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,680 [Drew] Doctor Freeman! Thank God, I found you. 98 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,200 [Freeman] Sir, sir... 99 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,520 I gotta spend Christmas alone. I'm having a panic attack. 100 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,640 - You gotta help me. Please! - Who are you? I don't know you. 101 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,880 I'm the boyfriend of one of your patients. 102 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,560 - You are? - Missy Vangilder. 103 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,280 [laughing] You're Drew. You're Drew. Oh, God. 104 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,800 - What does that mean? - I'm not allowed to say. 105 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,520 - How did you find me? - I bribed a woman at your service. 106 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,880 She should raise her standards or you gotta fire her. 107 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,600 She totally caved for 200 bucks. 108 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,480 - Whatever. - I need a few minutes. 109 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,880 [Freeman] Backpacks on the belt. Game Boy too. 110 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,040 You gotta help me out. I don't wanna spend Christmas alone. 111 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,320 If you would just please! 112 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,280 She's gotta put the bear on the belt. 113 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,800 Can't she walk it through? 114 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,560 She's got to put it on the belt. 115 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,560 - It's a puppy! - I know it's a puppy. 116 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,480 Put Tu-Tu on and she'll go for a ride. 117 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,840 - My Tu-Tu! - I need one second. 118 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,120 If you could just please! 119 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,520 - Okay, gimme the puppy. - Sir, I need you to step here. 120 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:26,040 - [Drew] You're abusing your child. - Can you see I've got my own problems? 121 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,960 - Whoa, whoa, now. - I'm sorry. I am so sorry. 122 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,960 Okay. Okay. Hey, I know. 123 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,240 - Heard it on the radio once. - All right. 124 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,160 Write down your grievances about your family on paper. 125 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,840 - All your grievances. - Right. 126 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,600 Go someplace that reminds you of your childhood, 127 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,160 at sunset and light that piece of paper on fire. 128 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,720 As the last shred of paper is burning away, you whisper, 129 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,000 "l forgive you." 130 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,000 - "l forgive you." - Mm-hm. 131 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,200 - And it burns up. - That's it. 132 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,440 I like it. 133 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,440 - Oh, thanks so much! - Whoa! All right. 134 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,040 - Have a good vaca. - Where's my daughter? 135 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,200 - [beeping] - Sir? 136 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,760 Huh? Oh, there she is. 137 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,600 Whoa! Hey! Come on out! Come out for Daddy! 138 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,280 My grievances. 139 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,760 Okay, buddy, here we go. That'll be $72.50. 140 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,480 My God! 141 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,200 That's it! 142 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,200 That's the house I grew up in. 143 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,240 How's the $72.50 comin'? 144 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,200 Good. It's comin' good. 145 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,080 Keep the meter running. 146 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,760 - [Tom] Almost out of salami. - [Christine] No. 147 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,400 Well, thank you for telling me. 148 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,080 - I don't wanna run out, that's all. - God forbid. 149 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,040 - Did Brian eat? - I don't know. 150 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,480 [shouting] Get down here and eat your dinner. 151 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,120 - I'm not hungry! - [Tom] Yeah, you are! 152 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,800 [Christine] Stop yelling at me. 153 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,400 [Tom] I'm not yelling at you. 154 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,560 Brian! 155 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,160 [shouting] Brian! 156 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,160 Get down here please, so your father can stop not yelling at me! 157 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,040 I'm busy! 158 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,280 We shouldn't have put the computer in his room. 159 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,240 He's gonna spend all his time there. 160 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,520 Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear. 161 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,040 He's advancing his skills. 162 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,120 One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job. 163 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,160 [beeping] 164 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,720 [music plays, woman's voice] 165 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,520 Trust me. What he's doin', nobody's gonna pay for, 166 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,280 'cause if they did, I'd have retired at 1 7. 167 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,160 - [Tom] What? - There's a guy out there. 168 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,120 Who the hell is that? 169 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,920 [Drew] All right. Alone on Christmas. I can do this. 170 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:35,240 [sighs] I rid myself of all my grievances. 171 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,400 Be gone, grievances. 172 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,120 What the... 173 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,480 I forgive you. 174 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,440 Holy Moly. This joker. 175 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,240 [tires screeching] 176 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,680 What are the neighbors gonna think? 177 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,200 Unless they want to get hit, they shouldn't be burning crap in my yard. 178 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,960 Is he still breathing? 179 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,040 Dear God, Tom. You've killed the man. 180 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,080 Oh, shit! He's still alive! 181 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,040 [groaning] Hello. 182 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,520 [whimpers] 183 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,240 My name is Drew Latham. [chuckles] 184 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,960 I grew up in this house. 185 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,040 That's why you came back and tried to burn it down, Pyroboy? 186 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,120 - Brian, call the cops. - Oh, no, no, no! 187 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,680 That won't be necessary. That's fine. I was just outside burning, 188 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,200 someone told me to burn a list of my grievances 189 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,600 outside of the home of my birth to help me with loneliness issues. 190 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,000 - So, it's all fine. - Oh. 191 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:03,880 Any-hoo, apologies and I'm gonna go. 192 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,200 Would you mind terribly if I took a look-see around the house? 193 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,600 - I'll give you a tour. - [Drew] Oh, thank you. 194 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,000 Hold on. 195 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,640 - You got any more matches? - No. No, no, no. 196 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,080 Are we done with all that? 197 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,480 Yes. The burning. Yes. 198 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,040 It's completely done. I'm actually better. 199 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,480 I'm watching you. 200 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,600 Wow. I can't believe it! 201 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,240 This is amazing! It's exactly how I remember it. 202 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:34,520 - You mean it was always a shithole? - No. No, it's great. 203 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,840 [squeak] 204 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,720 - Did you hear that? - [squeaking] 205 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,000 That stair squeaked. 206 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,640 Do you know what we used to call that squeaky stair? 207 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,680 "The squeaky stair." [laughing] 208 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,880 - [squeaking] - [laughing] 209 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,520 Wow. My old room. 210 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:08,960 My God. 211 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:12,120 Hey, look at that! I can touch the ceiling. 212 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,440 It's much smaller than I remember it. Did you do something? 213 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,120 Yeah. We had it reduced. 214 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,560 Cost a lot, but yeah, I think it was... 215 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,040 I think it was worth it. 216 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,240 Man, this is great. Man, this is the best. 217 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,640 You guys sittin' around eatin' dinner like a family. 218 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,560 I always wanted that. This is really wonderful. 219 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:34,320 [Brian] Wonderful. 220 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,480 So, what's for dessert? 221 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,080 - Kitchen's closed. - Aw. 222 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,120 - Yeah, I got things to do. - Ah, boy. 223 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,480 Tom, why don't you see the man out? 224 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,080 I didn't want to let him in. I'll call you a cab. 225 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,040 Is that necessary? 226 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,320 Yeah, it is. Yeah. 227 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,880 But you know, man, I gotta tell ya, 228 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,400 all these years I've been avoiding Christmas, 229 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:58,520 and I just realized, this is what I've been longing for. 230 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,760 A real family, you know? In a true home. 231 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,360 That's why I'm thinking 232 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,280 it might be a good idea if I lived with you. 233 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,400 - [Drew grunts] - [door slams] 234 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,840 [Drew knocking] Tom! Tom! 235 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,440 Tom, please! Please let me stay here! 236 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,480 No. 237 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,360 - I'll pay you. - My family's not for sale, pal. 238 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,040 Tom, I'll pay you $250,000. 239 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,200 Welcome home, son. 240 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,680 [splashing] 241 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,240 Mom. 242 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,640 Tom, that guy is still here. 243 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,400 - Yeah, I know. - Why is he still here? 244 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,560 He's givin' us $250,000 to be his family for Christmas. 245 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,760 And you agreed to this? Without asking me? 246 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,360 Of course I did. He's giving us $250,000. 247 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,400 How would you like it if l agreed to this without asking you? 248 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,360 Well, that would depend. Would we be getting $250,000? 249 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,960 Okay. What exactly did you agree to? 250 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,080 [sighs] 251 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,640 It's a big day for this family. 252 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,520 - Very well. - All right. 253 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,320 Mr. Latham agrees to pay the sum of $250,000 254 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:57,720 to the Valcos for services rendered until 1 1 :59 pm on Christmas Day. 255 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,480 And for said sum, the Valco family 256 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,720 will aid Mr. Latham in recapturing 257 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,760 those childhood Christmas memories, 258 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,440 - including, but not limited to, - [sighs] 259 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:13,960 all due festiveness, celebrations, various and sundry merriments, 260 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,040 and yuletide glee. 261 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,120 Agreed! 262 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,080 Agreed, right? 263 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,280 Fakin' it anyway. Might as well get paid. 264 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,080 Will there be anything else? 265 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,280 Oh, yeah. I gotta sleep in Brian's room. 266 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,280 What? No. Where is this going here? 267 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,440 Like it says in the contract. I get to sleep in my old room. 268 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:36,280 Oh, come on. Creepy grievance guy wants to sleep in my room? 269 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,080 If I wanted that, I'd use a bus ticket those guys send me on the lnternet. 270 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,000 I just wanna sleep in my room, like it says in the contract. 271 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,120 Brian, you're in the guest room. 272 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,120 My computer's not in the guest room. How am I supposed to... study? 273 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,000 Use your imagination. 274 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,680 Well, I'm gonna catch some shut-eye. 275 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,680 Who wants to go Christmas tree shopping with me in the morning? 276 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,840 Apparently, you all do. 277 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:03,040 [birds chirping] 278 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,120 [birds chirping] 279 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,600 [yawns] 280 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,320 I'm home. 281 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,720 Oh! 282 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,680 [Christine] Brian? Brian! 283 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,560 [Brian] I didn't do it. 284 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,800 [Drew] It's all right. 285 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,560 [chuckling] I'll fix it. I'll fix it. Ow. 286 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,920 [Tom] Well, that should do it, assuming no other idiot... 287 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,640 Is he eatin' my salami? 288 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,800 That's what it looks like. 289 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,800 - It's 9:00 in the mornin'. - Oh, I know. It's not breakfast food, 290 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,120 but it was lookin' good. I had to dog some. 291 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,680 Yeah, it is good. 292 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,800 - Is that the last of it? - Yep. 293 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,240 Oh. You didn't want some, did ya? 294 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,920 No. It's all right. It's fine, it's fine. 295 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,440 Ah. 296 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,200 [Drew] Kathryn, I hope you're checking messages. 297 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,880 Should anyone need to reach me, they can call my cell. 298 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,440 If you need to send anything, 299 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:53,920 the address is 2 Edgewood Road in Lincoln Wood, lllinois. 300 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,880 Stayin' with my family. 301 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,160 Hey, Dad? 302 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,200 He's talkin' to you, genius. 303 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,440 Yeah, Drew? 304 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,800 Would you do me a kindness? Put this hat on. 305 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,000 My dad used to wear a Santa hat when we went Christmas tree shopping. 306 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:16,080 [laughter] 307 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,920 - In public? - Yeah. 308 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,480 That would be no. 309 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,680 And in private, that would be no, too. 310 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,360 Please wear the hat. 311 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,560 No. I'm not wearing the hat. 312 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,720 Tom, you gotta wear the hat. 313 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,120 - I'm not wearin' the hat. - Wear the hat, Tom. 314 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,880 Now get it away from me before I shove it up your ass. 315 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,680 Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract?" 316 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,480 - Give me the hat. - All right. 317 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,720 $250,000. $250,000. 318 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,840 - $250,000. - [Brian chuckling] 319 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,320 You're lookin' good, Dad. 320 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,080 - [Christine] Tom! - Shut up! 321 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,960 Eyes on the road. On the road. Dad. 322 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,560 - Gimme your leg. - [screeching] 323 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,520 [Drew] No. 324 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,880 Nope. 325 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,600 Oh, wait a minute. 326 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,520 This could be it. This could be it. 327 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,840 Yep. This is it. This is the one. 328 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,080 [Drew] You're good. Excuse me, folks. 329 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:23,760 Dad, you wanna lift that up, have respect for the tree? No? 330 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,360 It's gonna be in our house, so... 331 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,040 Wait, wait, wait. Where are we going with this? 332 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,440 All right. Let's get that baby up there, hoist that up. 333 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,880 - Get that on the roof. - [Tom grunts] 334 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,640 All righty. 335 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,560 [Drew] That's pretty good. All right! You got it. There you go. 336 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,160 [Drew] That's pretty good. All right! You got it. There you go. 337 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,040 Get around it. Get around on it. 338 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:44,280 [Tom straining] 339 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,640 Brian, get your skinny little ass out of the car! 340 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,440 [Drew] You got it, Dad. You got it. 341 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,000 You got it. 342 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:54,600 Nice one. All right, I think it's good. I think it's good like that. 343 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,560 Whoo! Christmas time. 344 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,720 - [Drew] How's it look? - [Brian] It could trigger a seizure. 345 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,240 I know. Wait till you see it lit up. 346 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,600 I thought it was lit up. 347 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:10,760 Oh no, no, no. 348 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,280 We gotta sing Christmas Tree first. Tom, you take the lead. 349 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,760 - You want me to sing? - Yeah. 350 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,800 Do I have to? 351 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,120 Yeah. 352 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,280 Would it make any difference if I didn't want to? 353 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,440 Not really. 354 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,480 Come on. 355 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,400 # Oh, Christmas tree # 356 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,880 Christine, you wanna help me out here a little? 357 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,840 No, you're doin' great. 358 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,720 You're doin' good, Dad. Come on. You can do it. 359 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,640 [both] # Oh, Christmas tree Oh, Christmas tree 360 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,040 # You stand in woodland beauty 361 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,880 # You are as green 362 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,720 - # As winter snow - # As summer snow 363 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,000 - Winter snow. - # Winter snow 364 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:02,480 # As in summer's brightest glow 365 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:07,600 # Oh, Christmas tree Oh, Christmas tree 366 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:12,680 # You stand in woodland beauty 367 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,400 # Ahhh # 368 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:15,680 That was great. 369 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,160 - [Drew] That was good. - [T om] That was, yeah. 370 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,200 All right. 371 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:23,880 Without further ado, let's fire it up. Ready? One, two... 372 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,120 - [knocking] - [groans] 373 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,520 All right, people. Take five. I'll deal with this. 374 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,400 Thank Christ. 375 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,240 Can I help you? 376 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,680 Yeah. Who are you? 377 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,360 Um, who are you? 378 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,080 [Christine] Alicia! 379 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,320 Hey, Mom. Hi. Who's this? 380 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,520 Mom, who is this? 381 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,240 Okay, what's going on? 382 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,480 Dad's rented us for the holidays to this eccentric millionaire. 383 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,800 [Drew] You have a daughter? Since when do you have a daughter? 384 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,040 - It's her terrible secret. - This is gonna ruin everything. 385 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,520 - The whole bit doesn't work. - Ruin? Know what? 386 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,320 Shh. Will somebody say something that makes some sense right now? 387 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,600 Well, around Christmas, I get anxiety... 388 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,920 No, no. You stop talking. Mom? 389 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,080 Drew wants a family Christmas, so we're gonna be his family. 390 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:12,880 - That's insane. - Tell me about it. 391 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,600 I never had a sister, so this is bullshit right here. 392 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,120 Okay. You are my illegitimate love child. 393 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,520 - Mom! - And you had no idea about her. 394 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,440 That could be good. You know what? 395 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,720 - She could be the maid! - Okay. Enough. 396 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:26,480 Hey, my baby's home. 397 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,360 - Hi, Daddy. - How are you, Lissi? 398 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,560 Hi. I'm good. You've obviously lost your mind. 399 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,080 Can I talk to you in the dining room, please? 400 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,280 You knew about this? 401 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,760 - Stay away from my daughter. - Okay, Mom? 402 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,840 - This guy is obviously crazy. - I know. 403 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,120 So, I'm gonna go upstairs, and take a bath, 404 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,360 and when I wake up in the morning, he's gonna be gone, right? 405 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:46,640 Maybe. 406 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,280 I'm not gonna be a good sport about this, Mom. 407 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,760 Oh, darling, we'd never expect you to be. 408 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:54,720 Thanks. 409 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,280 [Drew] Come on, Mom! It's tree time! 410 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,000 [Drew] Okey-dokey. 411 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:05,360 All right. We're back on track. 412 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,600 Yeah. 413 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,760 Okay. 414 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,840 Here we go. One, two, three! 415 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,720 [Drew] Now it feels like Christmas. 416 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,200 [Brian] I can smell my eyeballs burning. 417 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,160 [Drew] Very important. Don't look directly at the tree. 418 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,800 [dog barking] 419 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:38,960 - Brian! - What? 420 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,920 Wake up! It's your brother, kind of! 421 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,240 It's snowing outside! It's a snow day! 422 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:45,920 Why are you waking me up? 423 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,280 I don't want you to miss the fun, man! 424 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,200 What fun? 425 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:55,320 [Drew] Oh! Facial! Iceball! Whoo! Ha ha! 426 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,360 Look out! Oh! 427 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,080 Right in the nuts! In the nuts! 428 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,040 - I can't feel my toes. - Here he comes. 429 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,120 The look of vengeance. Eye of the tiger. 430 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,000 Oh, oh. Now he's getting furious. 431 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:07,880 Whoo! Whoo! 432 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,240 - Whoo! - [door closing] 433 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,760 - What's up, Tom? - Brian, go inside. 434 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,440 See you later, Bri. It was fun. 435 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,320 You like throwing snowballs? 436 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,600 I was just havin' a good time. You know. 437 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,800 Yeah. Throw one at me. 438 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,080 That's cool. Don't worry about it. 439 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:30,640 We're kinda finished now. 440 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,800 Come on. Like you said, it'll be fun. 441 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,560 It's getting a little chilly. I don't wanna bother. 442 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,400 - Don't worry about it. - Ah, come on. Throw it. 443 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,000 All right, I'll throw one, I'll throw one. 444 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,080 Good one. 445 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,000 Now it's my turn. 446 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,080 No! 447 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,640 That was great. 448 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,840 Any time you wanna do that, let me know. 449 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,760 We said no iceballs, man. 450 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,560 Oh, did we? 451 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:10,120 Morning, Mom. 452 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,760 Freak. 453 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:14,480 You know what? 454 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,680 We may have gotten off on the wrong track. 455 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,040 We should start over. 456 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:21,880 - Here you go, Drew. - Thanks, Mom. 457 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,800 - Mmm. - Problem? 458 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,280 My real mom puts marshmallows in the hot chocolate. 459 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:30,360 Know what I was thinking? If you don't wanna play my sister, 460 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,320 maybe you could be, like, a wonderful, mysterious 461 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,120 Ecuadorean cleaning lady. You know? 462 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:38,960 Or Swedish cleaning lady. The ethnicity's not important. 463 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,560 But cleaning lady's good. Oh. Mmm. 464 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,080 What? 465 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,120 My real mom used the mini-marshmallows. Sorry. 466 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaking of your mom, why aren't you annoying your own family? 467 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,560 That's not really your business, is it, Consuela? 468 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,160 [Drew] Ho, ho, ho! 469 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,360 All righty. Welcome, everyone. 470 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:08,680 - Here you are. - What is this? 471 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:12,160 These are what we in the business call scripts, Tom. 472 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,880 - Excuse me? - You don't have to worry about it. 473 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:16,920 Your role is what we call "small." 474 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,520 Well, you're what we in real life call "a jackass." 475 00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,440 I don't know about that, but I do know that my being here 476 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:26,400 may have caused some awkwardness within the family. 477 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,880 - You think? - [Drew] I do, Tom. Seriously. 478 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:32,400 And it's even possible that some of it could potentially be 479 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,640 in some small way partly my fault. 480 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,000 Which part wasn't your fault? 481 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,440 Bop, bop, bop, bop. I'm talking. Okay? 482 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:42,680 So what I've done is I went ahead and wrote a sequence, 483 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,800 so you guys can get a sense of what I'm going for here. 484 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:47,720 And we're all gonna read this aloud. 485 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:48,360 And we're all gonna read this aloud. 486 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,600 - I feel like I'm insane. - That's why you have no lines. 487 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,240 - Mom, I believe you go first. - Okay. 488 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,120 "Oh, look at us. 489 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:59,880 I sure hope you like the meal I so lovingly prepared 490 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,840 for the people I love. 491 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,120 She smiles at Tom." Oh, she's... 492 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,600 [Drew] Have you acted? You've acted before. 493 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,400 - A little theater. - I can tell. 494 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,800 - I see it. It comes out. - You were in Pippin in high school. 495 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,320 You played Wind. 496 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,640 Tom, you have the next line. 497 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:20,360 Uh... 498 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:23,720 "Say thank you to your mother for all her hard work cooking for us." 499 00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,080 "Thank you." 500 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,560 "Oh, I don't work nearly as hard as you, dear." 501 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:29,840 Well, that's true. 502 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,840 Tom, let's stay on book, please. Brian, go ahead. 503 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,480 "Gee, Mom, I love you like the dickens. 504 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,480 Should we pray?" 505 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,800 Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's gonna give you the business? 506 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,240 Oh, there you are, Consuela. 507 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:47,840 Five waters for everyone, please. Gracias, 508 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:50,920 [clears throat] Brian, you were about to say grace. 509 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:56,200 - "Dear God..." - Brian. We hold hands at grace. 510 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,040 [Brian] "Dear God, 511 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:02,440 thank you for this meal. 512 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,480 Thank you for blessing us with a family. 513 00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:06,160 Not everyone has a nice family. 514 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:07,880 And also we, O Lord, 515 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:11,160 are so lucky to have Drew in our lives." 516 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:12,880 Amen. 517 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,360 "An emotional moment." 518 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,280 Sorry, I keep doing that. 519 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,720 "Brian, if you eat it all up, I will let you sleep with me 520 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:24,840 Iike I never did when you were little." 521 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,280 An awkward moment. 522 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,200 Skip ahead. That doesn't work. 523 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:34,080 - That's not supposed to be there. - What does this mean? 524 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,080 "Doo-Dah enters in his bathrobe." 525 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,960 Sweet Jim Jiminy! Cold corn in the mornin'! 526 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,360 - This weather is killin' my joints. - Brian, go get the shovel. 527 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:48,120 [Drew] Listen to me. When Alicia came, she totally ruined everything. 528 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,560 Everything was so normal up until that point. 529 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:51,920 Silencio, por favor, 530 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:55,160 So I realized what I had to do was expand the family. 531 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,920 I had to find my grandpa. So I went and found my Doo-Dah. 532 00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,080 Here he is. My Doo-Dah. 533 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:03,720 Your Doo-Dah looks exactly like the guy in Christmas Carol, Scrooge. 534 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,960 That's right. I do community theater. 535 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,960 And this Christmas night, I'm reprising my role as Scrooge 536 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,560 in the Lincoln Wood Theater Group's production 537 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,280 of A Christmas Carol, I hope you all can make it. 538 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,800 Please stay in character, Saul, okay? 539 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:18,600 "I'm so glad that you came here. 540 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:21,280 You're gonna stay for the whole Christmas holiday." 541 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,320 Whoa, no, he's not. I agreed to let you in the house, 542 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,080 - not Doo-Doo over here. - Doo-Dah. 543 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,440 - Nobody's talkin' to you. - [groans] Look. 544 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,240 I'll give you $25,000. 545 00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:34,920 How you doin', Doo-Dah? 546 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:36,680 You can stay in the living room. 547 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,000 No, Dad, I'm sleeping in the living room. 548 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:40,440 Not anymore. 549 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,000 Where am I gonna sleep? 550 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:45,000 [dog barking] 551 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,920 Ow. 552 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,760 I hate these people. 553 00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:53,480 [# The Waitresses: Christmas Wrapping] 554 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:54,320 [# The Waitresses: Christmas Wrapping] 555 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:08,560 Everybody get some presents, get your shoppin' done, 556 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:12,240 and then we'll meet at 4:00 at Santa's Village to take pictures. 557 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,120 Kids, don't lose track of time. 558 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,360 Mom, you wanna stick with Doo-Dah? 559 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,680 - Why me? - He's your father. 560 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,680 - [Doo-Dah] How come you never call? - Tom! Tom! Tom! 561 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,320 Yes, Drew? 562 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,080 Aren't you forgettin' something, T-Bone? 563 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,560 Here you go, Lenny. Happy holidays to you. 564 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:33,400 - [Lenny] You too. - Hey, Tommy! 565 00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:35,400 [laughing] Nice hat. 566 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:39,120 - How's the holidays? - Considering I got a pain in my ass 567 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:41,160 about six feet tall in my house, all right. 568 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:42,720 Oh, relatives, huh? 569 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,720 - Kinda. - Oh, your wife's family. 570 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,880 They hang around your house all day and drink your beer. 571 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,720 They eat your salami. 572 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:55,160 - Hey, guys! Wait up! - [Alicia sighs] 573 00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:56,680 - [screeching] - [honking] 574 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,240 [man] Asshole! 575 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:01,640 [# Santa Claus is Comin' to Town] 576 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:20,440 [Drew] All right, there we go. 577 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:21,880 Excuse me. 578 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:26,920 All of you? 579 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:31,800 Mom, this sucks. 580 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,840 Tell your father. He made the deal. 581 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:35,800 Everybody say "Merry Christmas." 582 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:39,200 - [all] Merry Christmas! - [Santa and Drew] Ho, ho, ho! 583 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,960 Doo-Dah, interest you in a Christmas cookie? 584 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:46,480 I can't. I'm diabetic. 585 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:48,520 That dog won't hunt, my friend. 586 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,040 Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic. Go ahead and take one. 587 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,920 Look, kid, I get that. 588 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,720 But if I eat this thing, I can't act not dead. 589 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:57,280 - [tires screeching] - Hey! 590 00:34:57,400 --> 00:34:59,320 Slow down. The roads are icy. 591 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,000 - I don't want you to kill your family! - [Drew] Perfect, Christine. 592 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,440 That's what my mom would've said. Good improv. 593 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,680 Before your father threw her out of the car. 594 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:10,240 [door squeaks] 595 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,040 Ah, the old carriage house. Brings back memories. 596 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,000 - What's going on? - Brian, go inside. 597 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,400 What? Come on! Dad. 598 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:20,000 I'm in my pajamas. You want me to sleep outside? 599 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:21,360 Go. 600 00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:24,080 Fine. 601 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:29,160 I can't go in my room, I get... You know, when I become a serial killer 602 00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,400 don't act surprised. 603 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,400 Think positive, Bris-eye. 604 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:35,360 Use your positive mindset. That's not what we talked about. 605 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,280 It's hard to get through to him. 606 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,080 So what's goin' on? What's up? 607 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:40,840 You gotta go. 608 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:43,160 - What? - We can't do this no more. 609 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,120 What do you mean? What can't we do? 610 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:50,000 Christine and l, we're thinkin' about breakin' up. 611 00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:54,920 What? Why? Is it my fault? Something I did? 612 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,920 Is it the hat? Forget it. Wear whatever you want, Tom. 613 00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,040 It's not you. It's nothin' to do with you. 614 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:04,240 It's been goin' on for a long time. We're just... It's not workin' out. 615 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:08,080 We were gonna wait till after the holidays to tell the kids, 616 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:09,800 and you know, with you here, 617 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:13,440 and with your Christmas cheer crap, it's making it worse. 618 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,760 Tom, first of all, I wanna reward you for opening up 619 00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,400 with a big "thank you," that deserves some credit. 620 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,160 Second, let me tell you what you need to do. 621 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,120 If I was you and comin' into some money, 622 00:36:24,240 --> 00:36:27,920 I'd do somethin' big, somethin' you always wanted your whole life. 623 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:29,880 Somethin' that makes you happy. 624 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:33,960 I want the money. I really do. It's Christine, she keeps... 625 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,480 All right. Let me worry about Christine, okay? 626 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,240 I'll worry about Christine. 627 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,240 You worry about Tom, 'cause it's Tom time. 628 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,880 - [knocking] Christine? - Yes, dear? 629 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,840 - Can I talk to you? - Of course, dear. I'm your mother. 630 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,800 You can talk to me about anything. 631 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,040 Great. 632 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,320 - Are you all right? - Uh-huh. 633 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,720 You sure? 'Cause you just put a bra in Brian's sock drawer. 634 00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,400 Oh, well, that's your brother. 635 00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,400 1 5. Likes to experiment. We still love him. 636 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:08,520 Look, Christine, I know what's going on with you and Tom, 637 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:11,240 and first of all, I just wanna say that 638 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,360 I'm feeling a little ripped off here, you know? 639 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,160 I thought I was getting a real family. This is bullshit. 640 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,120 Well, it's time you grew up and faced facts, isn't it? 641 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:23,120 Mommies and daddies fall in love, make babies, 642 00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:26,560 pay bills, get mad, and stop touching each other! 643 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:32,040 Second of all, 644 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,560 I was thinkin' I could do something to help you, make you feel better. 645 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:37,520 How about just me and you go shopping? 646 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:40,720 - For what? - I don't know. Just go shopping. 647 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,200 You know what I mean? It's fun just to buy shit. 648 00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:47,400 Listen, I know all the best makeup and hair people. 649 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,320 The best fashion photographer in Chicago owes me huge! 650 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:51,840 So? 651 00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:54,240 You don't see it, do you? 652 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:57,760 You don't see what a beautiful woman you are. 653 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:02,160 You have grace and kindness and sensuality, 654 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,360 and this incredibly striking, 655 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,520 kind of offbeat beauty that's... 656 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:10,600 You look in the mirror, and don't see it. We're gonna show you. 657 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:13,000 How would you like me to arrange your very own, 658 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:15,760 very hip, very sexy, yet tasteful, 659 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,600 very elegant, very modern, very expensive 660 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:20,960 photo shoot, just for you? 661 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:24,960 [sobbing] 662 00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,440 Or not. I mean, whatever... 663 00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:32,320 Oh, Drew, you've made your mama so happy. 664 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,120 [chuckles] Great. 665 00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:39,720 - Oh, Mom. - [Christine chuckles] 666 00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:48,040 [Drew] Hey, Alicia. Want to go tobogganing? 667 00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:52,440 Oh, I'm sorry, Drew. Have I been sending you mixed signals? 668 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,720 [chuckles] I just thought maybe instead of sitting around 669 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,640 bickering and hating me, you might like to have some fun. 670 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:00,600 No, thanks. 671 00:39:00,720 --> 00:39:02,600 [Drew] Ah, I see. 672 00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:04,680 I get it. 673 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,640 You're afraid of fun. You don't like having fun. 674 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:10,440 What the hell does that even mean, "l don't like fun"? 675 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:11,960 Of course I like fun. 676 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:14,640 Everybody likes fun. It's fun. 677 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:17,360 All right, so then why won't you go with me? 678 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,480 Because it would be with you. 679 00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:22,280 You know what I think? I think you're afraid. 680 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,040 I think you're afraid that you will go, and have fun, 681 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,600 and you might enjoy yourself, and you'd be with me. 682 00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:30,160 What would that say about you? That's what I think. 683 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,440 - Really? - [Drew] Mm-hm. 684 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:35,080 Let's go. 685 00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:39,880 - [Alicia] All right. - [Drew] Ready, Freddie. 686 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,200 - Well, hello there, youngsters. - Hi. 687 00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:43,960 - Tobogganing? - Breakneck Hill. 688 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,320 - Fun. - [Drew] Yeah. 689 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:46,840 Oh, what do you know? 690 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:50,120 Back in my day, we couldn't afford fancy toboggans. 691 00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:52,240 Are you smoking pot? 692 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:53,280 [honking] 693 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,040 [rock music playing] 694 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:01,960 What do you think? 695 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:03,480 Nice. 696 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:05,920 Yeah. This'll keep you from dying, Dad. 697 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:07,800 Had one of these when I was single. 698 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,520 I bet. 699 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,920 Know what happened to me on the way over here? 700 00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:13,920 - What? - Got propositioned by a hooker. 701 00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:15,960 - Did you? - The blonde with the big cans? 702 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,720 Hey, watch your language around my daughter. 703 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,800 Brian, take a look at your father's new automobile here! 704 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:23,880 Yeah, what do you think? 705 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:25,680 It's old. 706 00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,640 [Alicia] All right. Hey, Bri, come on. 707 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,240 - We're gonna go tobogganing. - That's great. 708 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,960 She's ready. 709 00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,240 Hi. I'm Christine. 710 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,000 I feel so pretty. 711 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,760 - What are you doing? - Modeling. 712 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:57,600 [Heinrich] Here. 713 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:04,120 Chad, have you ever seen me so elated? 714 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:07,240 It must be this woman. Yes. 715 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:11,000 Isn't she sexy? Erotic. 716 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:12,920 - Speak! - Absolutely, Heinrich. 717 00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:16,080 - She's got that special quality... - Get out now. 718 00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,520 - But I'm agreeing with you. - You hesitated. 719 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,640 Yeah, you heard him. Get out! Beat it! 720 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:25,160 Get out! Beat it! 721 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:28,960 [chuckling] Uh-oh. He thinks we're serious. 722 00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:31,680 We were serious. 723 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,040 Very serious. 724 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,160 [# Warrant: She's My Cherry Pie] 725 00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:38,320 [Heinrich] Yeah! 726 00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:40,960 Ausgeseichnet! Yeah! 727 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,640 Yeah! Yeah! 728 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:47,360 Ah! Erotic! Yeah! Yeah! 729 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:48,400 Oh, yeah! Great! 730 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:49,800 Oh, more! 731 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:52,160 Lick the lollipop! Yeah! 732 00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:54,120 [Brian] I do not want to do this. 733 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,000 Ah, you say that now. 734 00:41:56,080 --> 00:42:00,400 Once you get going, you'll run and jump and squeal with joy. 735 00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:02,800 - [Drew] Okay? - [Alicia] Let's do this. 736 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:04,480 [Drew] Here we go. Hunker down. 737 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,280 Center your weight. Breakneck Hill! 738 00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,200 Whoo! Whoo! 739 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,080 That was crazy! Did you see him fly down the hill? 740 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,440 I made a mistake. It was scarier when I was younger. 741 00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:22,680 - Can we go home now? - No, we can't go home! 742 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:26,120 We are gonna risk permanent paralysis or die trying! 743 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:34,760 That one! Land! 744 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:41,560 [Drew] Yes, sir! Whoo! Gonna be some serious fun! 745 00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,680 [Brian] Sure, in a Sonny Bono kind of way. 746 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:48,160 What's that I hear? A little chicken? 747 00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:49,480 [clucks] 748 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,480 - Chicken. - Yeah. And very much so. 749 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:53,960 I'm gonna go home now. 750 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:57,120 - Seriously? You're leaving? - [Brian] See ya at the chopper. 751 00:42:57,200 --> 00:43:01,160 Wow. Never thought I'd see the day that taunt would lose its power. 752 00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,560 What about you? Chicken with broccoli? 753 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,760 Actually, part of me thinks that it's incredibly stupid, 754 00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,920 and the other part is in agreement. 755 00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:10,840 - There you go. - You're chicken. 756 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,320 - Know what I think? - What? 757 00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:16,280 I think that you had no intention of going down this hill. 758 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:20,360 I think that you dragged us up here because you knew we wouldn't go down it. 759 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,760 I think you were showing off. That's what I think. 760 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:25,360 Wait. You think I'm chicken? 761 00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:27,200 - I'm chicken? - [Alicia laughs] 762 00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:30,880 Let me give a little clue here, okay? 763 00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:33,440 You think I'm chicken? I'll show you. 764 00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:34,960 You see me? I'm ready to go. 765 00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:37,560 Where are you? Nowhere to be seen. Chicken. 766 00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:39,080 All right. Come on. Let's go. 767 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,720 - You're getting on? - Yeah. 768 00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:42,720 - No! - Come on, push off. 769 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,600 [# The Primitives: Crash] 770 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,640 [both screaming] 771 00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:11,640 [laughing] 772 00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:18,280 - Oh, my God. - Oh, God. 773 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,720 I told you you'd have fun with me. 774 00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:35,400 [sneezes] 775 00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:39,600 - Sorry. - That's cool. It's okay. 776 00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:46,440 - Here you go. - Thank you. 777 00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:50,920 - It's my fault you got sick. - [sniffling] It's not your fault. 778 00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:53,840 We even might have gotten sick without tobogganing. 779 00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,320 It didn't help walking home in wet clothes. 780 00:44:56,400 --> 00:44:59,960 - You wanna watch TV? - Uh-huh. 781 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:01,640 [Drew groaning] 782 00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:08,880 [# Warrant: She's My Cherry Pie] 783 00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:30,280 - Hey. - Hi. 784 00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:37,040 You look different. 785 00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:39,320 Did you do something? 786 00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:41,720 Are you serious? 787 00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:44,640 No, I just mean that... 788 00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:47,640 ...you look good. 789 00:45:50,240 --> 00:45:51,720 Thanks. 790 00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:54,200 Where'd you go? 791 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:56,600 Nice wheels. 792 00:45:57,800 --> 00:46:01,840 - Yeah. You like it? - Yeah. 793 00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:05,960 Does it seem at all familiar? 794 00:46:07,720 --> 00:46:09,960 Didn't somebody we know have one of these? 795 00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:13,040 Yeah. Us. 796 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,840 Maybe this'll help. 797 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:23,240 Yeah. I remember. 798 00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:41,840 - So what's your deal anyway? - My deal. 799 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,800 I mean, sometimes you have these moments of lucidity, 800 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:46,960 but then other times 801 00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:50,040 it's just not so much normal. 802 00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:53,920 I don't understand, I mean, I don't wanna be alone on Christmas. 803 00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:55,560 You've never been alone. 804 00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:59,080 On Christmas, it's not like being alone. It's alone alone. 805 00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,600 This wouldn't be one of those lucid moments. 806 00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:04,400 - I wasn't going for that. - Okay, I see. 807 00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:07,160 All right, little Miss Grinch. 808 00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:09,720 I know you're a sophisticated, modern woman 809 00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:13,920 that's very jaded and nothing gets to you, and you have no emotions. 810 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,920 But I'd be willing to bet that even you, 811 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,520 before you got old... 812 00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,400 ...-er than you are now, 813 00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:24,680 but still as young, attractive, smart and beautiful... 814 00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:26,600 [sniffling] That's better. 815 00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:27,840 I don't know, like, 816 00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:32,320 some moment in your childhood before everything got complicated, 817 00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:33,600 when you were happy. 818 00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:35,600 You must have some moment in your life 819 00:47:35,720 --> 00:47:38,840 that you'd like to go back and relive. 820 00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:42,280 Yeah. 821 00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:45,200 Once, 822 00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:49,040 I was, like, nine years old 823 00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:52,480 and we had just had this ice storm. 824 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:56,280 I was walking home from school through Bishop Park. 825 00:47:56,400 --> 00:47:59,240 You know that one big oak tree in the middle? 826 00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,640 It was completely frozen. 827 00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,800 All the branches were icicles. 828 00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:06,520 It was just... It was incredible. 829 00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:10,160 It completely stopped me in my tracks. 830 00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,040 I remember standing underneath it 831 00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:17,160 pretending that I was a princess in a magical crystal palace. 832 00:48:17,240 --> 00:48:18,680 It was really... 833 00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:21,440 It was beautiful. 834 00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:25,200 [blowing] 835 00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:28,160 [# Jose Feliciano: Feliz Navidad] 836 00:50:08,720 --> 00:50:11,240 Hey, would you come outside with me for one second? 837 00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:14,680 - I wanna show you something. - Okay. 838 00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:17,160 - Where are you taking me? - Hold on, one second. 839 00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:20,760 - You trust me? - Uh, no. Not necessarily. 840 00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:23,320 Okay. Try to trust me, I wanna blindfold you. 841 00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:24,920 - It's a surprise. - Okay. 842 00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,280 - All right? - All right. 843 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:30,120 - Oh, God. - All right. Follow me. 844 00:50:30,240 --> 00:50:34,800 I feel that this is gonna end with "and she was never heard from again." 845 00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:36,800 - Step, step, step. - Okay. 846 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,280 - Right there. Stop. - Okay. 847 00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:40,440 - Turn this way. Okay? - All right. 848 00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,400 All right. 849 00:50:50,200 --> 00:50:53,280 [breathless] Oh, my God. 850 00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:58,840 [stammers] I can't believe you did this. 851 00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:00,680 Wait till you see this. 852 00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:02,040 Hit it, guys. 853 00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:06,120 [elves] Hut, hut, hut... 854 00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:15,400 - [elves giggling] - [camel grunts] 855 00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:22,200 [donkey brays] 856 00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:23,520 You see that? 857 00:51:23,600 --> 00:51:25,960 That's you right there. I know this props guy. 858 00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:27,800 He owns a prop house with figurines, 859 00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:30,320 and he painted your hair like that, your mouth. 860 00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:32,320 - Those guys aren't pros. - I'm sure. 861 00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:34,760 - I showed them the thing. - Oh, wow. 862 00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:38,080 I got this dance teacher. It's not easy to get a camel. 863 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:42,240 It's not easy taking a very personal and private moment 864 00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:45,880 that I have never told anybody and turning it into a theme park. 865 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:47,720 # We wish you a Merry Christmas # 866 00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:49,080 Shut up! 867 00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:51,000 [choir] Ah... 868 00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:53,960 But I'm not disappointed. Okay? I'm not mad. 869 00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:58,760 I'm just mad at myself for thinking that there was more to you than I thought. 870 00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:02,480 - That's you. - [man] It's a wrap. 871 00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:04,400 [elves] Hut, hut, hut. 872 00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:06,120 [Drew] Alicia? Wait a second! 873 00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:09,880 I care about you. I did that because I care about you. 874 00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:12,240 Look, Drew, let me just give you some advice. 875 00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:14,600 Save your big, expensive gestures 876 00:52:14,720 --> 00:52:16,840 for some girl who's impressed by them, 877 00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:18,960 And when you find her, hold on to her. 878 00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:22,360 Otherwise, you are looking at a lifetime of lonely Christmases. 879 00:52:30,960 --> 00:52:34,320 I'm telling you, he is wonderful. 880 00:52:34,440 --> 00:52:36,800 It's Cartier. A least he's got manners. 881 00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:38,920 Well, I mean, he's in the neighborhood. 882 00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:40,440 - He is? - Darling. 883 00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:42,320 - What? - It's a day bracelet. 884 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,080 - Do you like it, darling? - I love it. 885 00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:46,720 You're the expert on jewelry. 886 00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:48,800 - Are you disagreeing? - Absolutely not. 887 00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:51,240 She just got a present. Why pick at her now? 888 00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:52,240 I'm not. 889 00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:57,320 [knocking] 890 00:52:57,400 --> 00:53:00,320 Brian, tell Drew that I had to take off. 891 00:53:00,400 --> 00:53:02,080 There was a... 892 00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:08,440 Holy cow. What are you looking at? 893 00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:12,120 This is just, it's research. 894 00:53:12,240 --> 00:53:14,280 When I was young, we didn't sit in our rooms 895 00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:16,640 drooling over nude ladies on computers. 896 00:53:16,720 --> 00:53:18,120 No, sir. 897 00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:20,440 We had to go behind the barn with the dirty girl 898 00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:24,120 and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies. 899 00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:26,600 How does this work? 900 00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:30,280 Oh, well. Here, let me... 901 00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:33,000 [Brian] What are you into? Hot Cheerleaders, 902 00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:34,760 - Three-Way Fun. - Uh-uh. 903 00:53:34,880 --> 00:53:37,520 - Middle-Aged Hotties. - You're talkin' my language. 904 00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:42,280 Old enough to know how it's done, young enough to still want to do it. 905 00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:44,760 - That's gross. - Ooh. 906 00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:46,480 [Doo-Dah] Come to papa. 907 00:53:46,600 --> 00:53:48,720 [Brian] That's not bad, right? 908 00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:54,160 Dude, it's your mom! 909 00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:55,360 Oh, my God. 910 00:53:56,760 --> 00:53:59,040 Hey, can you print that for me? 911 00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,280 Mom, Dad, listen. 912 00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:03,920 Please, Drew has to go tonight. 913 00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:06,720 I cannot spend one more second in this house with him. 914 00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:08,800 - Well, yeah? - Yeah? So what? 915 00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:11,240 So he's making fools of us! 916 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:13,000 - Of all of us! - [Drew] Alicia? 917 00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:15,760 [sighs] All right, look, I'm gonna take the car, 918 00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:18,120 and when I get home, I really hope he's gone. 919 00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:21,400 - Alicia. - Be careful with the car. 920 00:54:21,520 --> 00:54:23,160 Can't we talk about this? 921 00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:25,160 No. 922 00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:30,440 - What the hell happened? - [Drew] Nothing. 923 00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:33,280 I think she's right. It's stupid. 924 00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:34,680 This is a mistake. 925 00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:37,640 I've imposed on you folks and I'm sorry. 926 00:54:37,720 --> 00:54:39,200 I'll write you a check. 927 00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,840 I'll spend Christmas... 928 00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:44,200 I'll spend Christmas somewhere. 929 00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:47,960 No. We don't want your money. 930 00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:51,800 In cash. Check'll be just fine. 931 00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:54,160 - I'll get you a pen. - [phone rings] 932 00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:56,360 - What's wrong with you? - Hello? 933 00:54:56,480 --> 00:54:58,760 - Merry Christmas to you too, - Missy! 934 00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:01,720 The bracelet is amazing, Drew. Thank you. 935 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:04,880 I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. 936 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:09,840 - How'd you know my favorite is Cartier? - Lucky guess. How did you find me? 937 00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:13,760 I talked to your secretary and she said you were with your family. 938 00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:15,080 Oh, Drew! 939 00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:18,520 I am so happy for you. And for us. 940 00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:20,560 - For us? - I know what this means, 941 00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:22,560 reaching out to your family, 942 00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:24,760 You want to be more serious about yourself, 943 00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:26,920 and more serious about me. 944 00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:29,600 I wanna meet your family, Drew. 945 00:55:29,680 --> 00:55:32,320 I'm sure you will, and they wanna meet you one day. 946 00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:33,920 Oh, great. 947 00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:36,160 Then we can go to Fiji. 948 00:55:36,240 --> 00:55:38,800 How about tomorrow? 949 00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:41,640 Fiji? Tomorrow? You're kidding. 950 00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:44,720 That's fabulous, actually. That's perfect. 951 00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:49,520 Then tonight we can spend Christmas Eve together with our families. 952 00:55:49,640 --> 00:55:51,520 Ah... 953 00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:54,720 That's gonna be hard to pull off, you know? 954 00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:59,280 It's very short notice, and we... 955 00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:04,520 One of the family members is challenged, and... 956 00:56:04,640 --> 00:56:08,080 [clears throat]...requires a lot of time to put on 957 00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:10,320 - the proper headgear... - Oh. No problem. 958 00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:12,520 - [seatbelts unlatching] - We're here. 959 00:56:12,640 --> 00:56:14,920 - You're here? - Look outside! 960 00:56:22,480 --> 00:56:24,640 Oh, my God! You're here?! 961 00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:29,640 I mean, oh, my gosh! You're totally here! 962 00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:33,240 My girlfriend's family is here! 963 00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:35,720 You have to help me! Pretend for a couple hours! 964 00:56:35,840 --> 00:56:37,880 We'll leave by midnight. I'm begging you! 965 00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:40,200 Read paragraph three. You bailed, it's done. 966 00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:43,600 - You write the check and get out! - What? No! Wait a minute! 967 00:56:43,720 --> 00:56:45,880 Okay, look, I wanna go! I'm dying to go! 968 00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:48,360 I gotta have a life to go back to! This girl is it! 969 00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:50,480 I can't tell her I rented a family. 970 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,680 I'm sure she already knows you're crazy. 971 00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,720 - It kinda shows. - A deal's a deal. That's it. 972 00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:58,880 - Unless you sweeten the pot. - That's extortion, Tom! 973 00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:01,320 - I think I hear the doorbell. - No! No, no! Wait! 974 00:57:01,440 --> 00:57:04,600 No, no! I'll give you another 75 grand. Okay? 975 00:57:04,720 --> 00:57:06,640 But you gotta do it good, you gotta try. 976 00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:08,760 Or else I'll be so mad at you guys! 977 00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:10,200 - [doorbell] - Come on. 978 00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:12,640 - I'm not wearin' the hat. - [Drew] Fine! Sure! 979 00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:16,040 - Missy! - Hey, Drew. 980 00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:17,880 Mrs. Vangilder. Captain. 981 00:57:17,960 --> 00:57:18,960 Come on in. 982 00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:21,280 Merry Christmas. Honey. Merry Christmas. 983 00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:23,320 Welcome to my childhood home. 984 00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:24,680 [chuckling] Come on in. 985 00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:25,840 - Hi. - Hello. 986 00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:28,080 I'm Drew's father, and this is his mother. 987 00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:29,160 - Christine. - Mom. 988 00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:30,280 Letitia. Horace. 989 00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,920 And he's our son. There's no doubt about that. 990 00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,000 [Drew chuckling] That's for sure. 991 00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:35,200 [awkward silence] 992 00:57:35,200 --> 00:57:37,440 [awkward silence] 993 00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:46,760 Oh! 994 00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:50,600 I would love to see pictures of Drew when he was small. 995 00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:53,560 Oh, we're not gonna bore everyone, that's embarrassing. 996 00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:55,440 Good idea. Bath time for baby. 997 00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:56,840 - Oh. - [chuckling] 998 00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:59,680 - Thanks, Mom. - Look at him. 999 00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:01,280 Drew, are you sure that's you? 1000 00:58:01,400 --> 00:58:03,640 Oh, that's me all right. I remember it well. 1001 00:58:03,720 --> 00:58:05,960 That was in autumn and the photographer... 1002 00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:09,800 No, I don't think so. There's no little dingle. 1003 00:58:09,920 --> 00:58:12,520 - Nope. - No. 1004 00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:14,680 [Drew] Yes. It's there, but it's not... 1005 00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:19,240 You can't see it, because it was so long that Mom had to tuck it back 1006 00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:21,360 when she gave me a bath. It got tangled. 1007 00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:23,200 - You remember, Mom. - Yeah, yeah. 1008 00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:25,440 From the moment he was born, it was... 1009 00:58:25,520 --> 00:58:28,680 -...freakishly long. - [chuckling] Right. Yes. 1010 00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:30,040 - [knocking] - I'll get it. 1011 00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:31,400 No, no, no! 1012 00:58:31,480 --> 00:58:33,480 I'll get it, son. You stay right there. 1013 00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:35,480 [chuckling] Thanks, Dad. 1014 00:58:35,560 --> 00:58:37,480 - So, here we are. - Yeah. 1015 00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:41,040 So are we keeping you folks from dinner plans, or... 1016 00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:42,800 No, we don't have any plans. 1017 00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:44,520 We couldn't possibly impose. 1018 00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:46,440 [Horace] We just got here. 1019 00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:48,960 Oh, okay. Who was that, Dad? 1020 00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:51,960 Doo-Dah. 1021 00:58:52,040 --> 00:58:54,360 Doo-Dah. Doo-Dah's my grandpa. 1022 00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:56,720 - He'll tell us stories... - I wanna meet him. 1023 00:58:56,840 --> 00:58:58,760 ...about the 1 800s. I know you do. 1024 00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,040 We don't usually leave him outside. 1025 00:59:01,160 --> 00:59:03,040 We usually let him in, Dad. 1026 00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,000 - Let's talk, son. - [Drew] Okay. 1027 00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:06,840 - Don't go anywhere. - Okay. 1028 00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,080 This guy says he's Doo-Dah's understudy. 1029 00:59:09,160 --> 00:59:12,000 - He's not white. - That's fine, just let him in. 1030 00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:13,560 They don't know he's not right. 1031 00:59:13,680 --> 00:59:15,720 - They don't know him! - Want me to let him in? 1032 00:59:15,840 --> 00:59:16,880 - Fine! - Please, Tom. 1033 00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:19,400 This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah. Here he is. 1034 00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:22,000 Sweet Jim Jiminy, cold corn in the mornin'! 1035 00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:23,640 Ooh. Who are you? 1036 00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:26,200 I'm Saul's understudy. I just came to help out. 1037 00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:27,840 [understudy] Feliz navidad, 1038 00:59:27,920 --> 00:59:30,600 - Is he black? - Yep. 1039 00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:35,080 I can't do it. I cannot do it. 1040 00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:38,520 My family's this close to 350. You're not gonna weasel out now! 1041 00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:40,840 Put some maple syrup on the ham. 1042 00:59:49,960 --> 00:59:51,000 - Drew? - Huh? 1043 00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:52,640 Ah! Ah! 1044 00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:56,080 I'm sorry! Oh, Jesus! 1045 00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,440 I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be here. 1046 00:59:58,520 --> 01:00:01,400 I'm gonna leave right away. I don't want to cause problems. 1047 01:00:01,520 --> 01:00:04,040 - Drew, listen. - I'm in a bit of a jam now. 1048 01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:07,320 - Drew, Drew, wait. - What? Yes? 1049 01:00:07,440 --> 01:00:11,000 I came back here because I wanted to apologize to you. 1050 01:00:11,120 --> 01:00:14,360 Yes, the thing in the park was a bit garish and obnoxious, 1051 01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:16,040 but that's you. 1052 01:00:16,120 --> 01:00:18,000 Not that you're garish and obnoxious, 1053 01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:20,240 it's just that you do things in a big way. 1054 01:00:20,360 --> 01:00:21,840 Yes, I do, I do. 1055 01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:24,400 And I'm touched. 1056 01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:27,960 - Thank you. That means... - And thank you. 1057 01:00:38,440 --> 01:00:40,680 You smell like fear. 1058 01:00:42,240 --> 01:00:45,520 - There have been some developments... - I have a gift for you. 1059 01:00:45,640 --> 01:00:47,520 - I'll be right back. - Okay. 1060 01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:52,240 No! Hi! 1061 01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:53,880 [laughing] Hi, honey. 1062 01:00:53,960 --> 01:00:56,240 Your mom sent me in here to get a cheeseball. 1063 01:00:56,360 --> 01:01:00,640 - What's that? - This is a cheeseball. 1064 01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:04,440 Let's play a game where you don't come back till they eat the whole thing. 1065 01:01:04,520 --> 01:01:08,120 [chuckling] This is great. Your family isn't what I expected. 1066 01:01:08,200 --> 01:01:10,120 I'm glad you wanted to introduce me. 1067 01:01:10,200 --> 01:01:12,040 - It's all I ever wanted. - Me too. 1068 01:01:12,120 --> 01:01:14,240 - Thank you so much. - Okay. All right. 1069 01:01:14,320 --> 01:01:15,960 Yes. I know. I love you. Okay. 1070 01:01:16,040 --> 01:01:19,760 - Fiji's gonna be great. - It will be great. Fiji time! 1071 01:01:25,120 --> 01:01:28,560 That's what this was about? You put us through this for a girl? 1072 01:01:28,680 --> 01:01:30,880 No, no, no. 1073 01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:32,480 Just... 1074 01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:37,160 - Can I open my present now? - Sure. 1075 01:01:39,840 --> 01:01:42,800 I thought this was because you had a painful childhood. 1076 01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:45,200 I'm sorry. You said you never wanted to see me, 1077 01:01:45,320 --> 01:01:47,280 so I accepted that. 1078 01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:51,160 I was broken up with her, but she showed up and wanted to meet my family. 1079 01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:53,920 I couldn't tell them it was a rented family. 1080 01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:57,760 I know you hate me. I hate me. I hate my own guts. 1081 01:01:57,840 --> 01:02:00,560 I know this is horrible, but would you just please, 1082 01:02:00,680 --> 01:02:02,840 could you help me, so I can get through this? 1083 01:02:02,920 --> 01:02:05,720 You'll never see me again. Just take a ride for an hour. 1084 01:02:05,800 --> 01:02:07,920 Your parents will call you when it's clear. 1085 01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:12,040 [Christine] Drew, your dad wants more salami! 1086 01:02:12,120 --> 01:02:13,320 They're playing along? 1087 01:02:13,440 --> 01:02:17,600 Your parents, they're crazy. They think it's fun. 1088 01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:19,400 I'm sorry. Okay? I gotta go. 1089 01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:21,320 I'll see you. I miss you. Thank you. 1090 01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:23,600 You're welcome. See ya. 1091 01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:29,560 They think it's fun, huh? 1092 01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,360 Maybe they're right. 1093 01:02:34,440 --> 01:02:34,560 Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful. 1094 01:02:34,560 --> 01:02:37,080 Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful. 1095 01:02:37,200 --> 01:02:39,640 You know, it reminds me of Mexico. 1096 01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:44,000 Not the better hotels, but the colors of the simple people. 1097 01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:46,280 It's so bright and vulgar. 1098 01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:49,440 - [chuckles] - Mom! Dad! I'm home! 1099 01:02:49,520 --> 01:02:53,760 [Christine] Alicia, you're back. You're back, Alicia. 1100 01:02:53,840 --> 01:02:55,600 Oh, you're back. 1101 01:02:55,720 --> 01:02:58,880 This is our daughter, Alicia. This is Mrs. Vangilder. 1102 01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:00,960 Please. Letitia. 1103 01:03:01,040 --> 01:03:03,520 I'm so pleased to meet you. Really. 1104 01:03:03,600 --> 01:03:05,440 And this is our little Missy. 1105 01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:08,480 Oh, Missy, Missy. 1106 01:03:10,440 --> 01:03:13,680 Oh, gosh. I've just heard so much about you from Drew. 1107 01:03:13,800 --> 01:03:16,080 God, you're gorgeous. 1108 01:03:16,200 --> 01:03:19,720 And you are so not fat. Drew! What's the matter with you? 1109 01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:21,320 I'm sorry? 1110 01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:23,200 - Drew, I'm not fat. - No. 1111 01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:26,120 - I was just thinking that. - You must be Mr. Vangilder. 1112 01:03:26,240 --> 01:03:28,240 - I would never say that. - Don't mind us. 1113 01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:29,640 We're a bunch of kidders. 1114 01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:31,520 I like the family. 1115 01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:34,080 Oh, well, you obviously haven't met Brian. 1116 01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:37,000 By the way, where is Brian? 1117 01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:43,160 [whimpering] 1118 01:03:46,600 --> 01:03:48,680 Here. 1119 01:03:48,800 --> 01:03:51,800 Your mom's startin' to like your grandfather hittin' on her. 1120 01:03:51,880 --> 01:03:54,480 There's one you don't often hear on Christmas Eve. 1121 01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:55,640 [Missy laughing] 1122 01:03:55,720 --> 01:03:58,480 It's unbelievable. Poor thing. Poor thing. 1123 01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:00,640 - Excuse me. - It's true. 1124 01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:03,120 What's happening over here? What's going on? 1125 01:04:03,240 --> 01:04:06,640 - I'm learning so much from your sister. - Oh, you are. Great. 1126 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,960 I didn't know you were a baton twirler. 1127 01:04:09,040 --> 01:04:12,000 Yeah. Gave away the big secret, I guess, didn't you? 1128 01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:14,400 Oh, not the big one, so don't push me. 1129 01:04:14,480 --> 01:04:16,800 Let's go talk to Doo-Dah. He's telling stor... 1130 01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:18,840 I want you to see the bracelet Drew got me. 1131 01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:21,720 Ooh, Cartier, huh? 1132 01:04:21,840 --> 01:04:23,920 Wow. Look at that. That's just beautiful. 1133 01:04:24,040 --> 01:04:26,080 Well, that's my brother. 1134 01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:29,440 Just never afraid to put a price tag on his feelings. 1135 01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:32,600 Yeah. That's my sister. Never understanding there's love, 1136 01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:34,960 you can care and want to show it in a big way, 1137 01:04:35,080 --> 01:04:38,240 and you shouldn't be put down and mocked, and made hurt feelings. 1138 01:04:38,320 --> 01:04:42,120 When you love somebody, you don't have to show it in a big way. 1139 01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:45,760 So you were slumming when you were making out with me in the kitchen? 1140 01:04:51,600 --> 01:04:54,240 It's a very, very affectionate family. 1141 01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:56,400 - We show our love. - ltalians. 1142 01:04:56,520 --> 01:04:58,280 We're just very warm. 1143 01:04:58,360 --> 01:05:00,800 Red hot, even. 1144 01:05:00,880 --> 01:05:04,080 All right, that's it. Give me this. Get up. 1145 01:05:04,200 --> 01:05:05,840 - Sit down! - [Christine] Okay! 1146 01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:07,560 Who wants a tour of the house? 1147 01:05:07,680 --> 01:05:10,720 - What you're using are stairs. - [squeaking] 1148 01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:12,960 We like these for going up. 1149 01:05:13,040 --> 01:05:15,120 This is the bathroom. 1150 01:05:17,360 --> 01:05:19,080 - What are you doing to me? - What? 1151 01:05:19,160 --> 01:05:22,520 - You're killing me. - No, I'm just playing along, brother. 1152 01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:25,040 I think Missy likes me. She thinks I'm funny. 1153 01:05:25,160 --> 01:05:27,720 This was little Drew's room. Now, it's Brian's. 1154 01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:28,840 Aw. 1155 01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:31,480 Brian, don't be rude. We have guests. 1156 01:05:31,560 --> 01:05:34,800 He'd live in front of the screen if we'd let him right, Tom? 1157 01:05:34,920 --> 01:05:37,440 It's that insatiable appetite for knowledge. 1158 01:05:37,520 --> 01:05:39,000 Oh, shit! 1159 01:05:39,080 --> 01:05:41,080 Brian, what have you done?! 1160 01:05:41,160 --> 01:05:43,840 - Tom, I don't know what that is. - I do. 1161 01:05:43,920 --> 01:05:47,560 It's my wife shooting a "V" for victory with her legs. 1162 01:05:47,640 --> 01:05:49,960 It's been a while, but that's what it looks like. 1163 01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,840 - [Letitia] Honestly. - That's my little girl. 1164 01:05:52,960 --> 01:05:55,560 - Horace, get our coats. - What's going on? 1165 01:05:55,680 --> 01:05:57,640 You have no idea. Missy, get your coat! 1166 01:05:57,760 --> 01:05:59,720 - There's ham! - [Missy] We're not going. 1167 01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:01,760 - We'll stay. - [Christine] Lighten up. 1168 01:06:01,880 --> 01:06:04,720 It's just a picture. I had pictures taken for fun. 1169 01:06:04,840 --> 01:06:06,880 Where would you get that stupid idea?! 1170 01:06:09,680 --> 01:06:13,680 Coats! Someone say coats? Get the coats. Gotta get coats. 1171 01:06:15,080 --> 01:06:17,120 [Missy screams] 1172 01:06:17,240 --> 01:06:18,720 [chuckles] Oh. 1173 01:06:23,480 --> 01:06:26,480 Some things cannot be unseen. 1174 01:06:26,600 --> 01:06:29,120 Brian? Brian? 1175 01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:32,200 [Tom] Great. Just great, Christine. 1176 01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:39,440 I'll be at the Travel Lodge. 1177 01:06:41,000 --> 01:06:42,760 [door slams] 1178 01:06:46,920 --> 01:06:50,560 - Merry Christmas. - Mom? Mom? 1179 01:06:51,600 --> 01:06:53,480 - Oh, dear God. - Wait a minute! 1180 01:06:53,560 --> 01:06:55,320 There's more of Mom's buffet. 1181 01:06:55,400 --> 01:06:58,640 If you think we're staying after that display, think again. 1182 01:06:58,760 --> 01:07:01,320 [Letitia] Trollops who pose for dirty pictures, 1183 01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:04,080 various incestuous overtones 1184 01:07:04,200 --> 01:07:06,720 and old, unexplained men. 1185 01:07:06,800 --> 01:07:09,480 This is without a doubt the worst Christmas I've... 1186 01:07:09,600 --> 01:07:12,000 Oh, shut up, Letitia! 1187 01:07:13,080 --> 01:07:14,200 What? 1188 01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:18,000 I'll tell you what. I've put up with your high and mighty act for 25 years, 1189 01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:19,400 but they don't have to. 1190 01:07:19,480 --> 01:07:22,360 I don't remember you being superior when you got knocked up 1191 01:07:22,440 --> 01:07:25,840 by Skippy Altsheller and then tricked me into marrying you. 1192 01:07:27,080 --> 01:07:30,640 - Oh, my God! - I'm sorry, Missy. 1193 01:07:30,760 --> 01:07:34,840 Missy, darling, it's not true. You were premature. 1194 01:07:34,920 --> 01:07:37,240 Oh, come on, Letitia! 1195 01:07:37,320 --> 01:07:41,520 Tell your mother thanks, Drew. And Merry Christmas. 1196 01:07:42,920 --> 01:07:45,200 Missy, we'll wait for you in the car. 1197 01:07:45,320 --> 01:07:48,520 [grunts] You know, really. 1198 01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:51,960 Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it? 1199 01:07:52,040 --> 01:07:54,200 Oh, shut up! Just shut up! 1200 01:07:54,280 --> 01:07:57,920 Okay! Fiji. Let's go to Fiji right now. 1201 01:07:58,000 --> 01:08:00,520 You're right, Drew. Just screw family. 1202 01:08:00,640 --> 01:08:03,400 All we need is each other. Just take me away. 1203 01:08:05,080 --> 01:08:07,440 I'm sorry, Missy. I can't. 1204 01:08:07,560 --> 01:08:11,360 Just go home, okay? I'm sorry about all this. 1205 01:08:12,800 --> 01:08:14,760 I'll spend Christmas alone. 1206 01:08:19,480 --> 01:08:22,120 Oh, fine. 1207 01:08:22,200 --> 01:08:23,680 [sobbing] Okay. 1208 01:08:24,840 --> 01:08:27,360 Well, then... 1209 01:08:27,440 --> 01:08:30,400 ...the only thing I have left to say to you 1210 01:08:30,520 --> 01:08:32,480 is I am keeping this bracelet. 1211 01:08:36,200 --> 01:08:39,040 I feel bad drinking liquor you're gonna need. 1212 01:08:39,120 --> 01:08:40,440 I better go. 1213 01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:43,480 - Merry Christmas. - All right. 1214 01:08:45,040 --> 01:08:46,760 [Letitia] Missy, get in the car! 1215 01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:48,560 My God! 1216 01:08:48,680 --> 01:08:52,680 Have you lost your mind? Did you just lose it in there? 1217 01:09:01,880 --> 01:09:03,840 You know, I have to ask, 1218 01:09:03,960 --> 01:09:05,920 just how bad is your real family 1219 01:09:06,000 --> 01:09:09,080 that you would rather spend your Christmas like this? 1220 01:09:19,040 --> 01:09:22,840 There was no real family. 1221 01:09:24,280 --> 01:09:26,840 What do you mean, "there is no family"? 1222 01:09:26,920 --> 01:09:28,400 You must've had a family. 1223 01:09:28,520 --> 01:09:31,760 I mean, you must've had a Doo-Dah, right? 1224 01:09:31,880 --> 01:09:34,560 I had a friend whose grandfather, 1225 01:09:34,640 --> 01:09:37,560 was called Doo-Dah. I always liked that. 1226 01:09:38,920 --> 01:09:43,320 My dad walked out on us on Christmas 1227 01:09:43,400 --> 01:09:44,960 when I was four. 1228 01:09:45,040 --> 01:09:47,360 It was basically just me and my mom. 1229 01:09:47,440 --> 01:09:53,240 She was a waitress at the 24-hour coffee shop. 1230 01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:57,640 She didn't have a lot of money, so when Christmas came around, 1231 01:09:57,760 --> 01:10:02,080 it was an opportunity for her to take a double shift. She did. 1232 01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:06,440 And, you know, my Christmases were, 1233 01:10:06,560 --> 01:10:10,840 basically, I just kind of sat around the house, you know? 1234 01:10:10,920 --> 01:10:13,040 Then at night, I'd walk down there, 1235 01:10:13,160 --> 01:10:17,360 and Mom would always buy me a grown-up stack of pancakes, 1236 01:10:17,480 --> 01:10:20,800 and I would sit by myself at the end of the counter 1237 01:10:20,920 --> 01:10:22,400 and eat 'em. 1238 01:10:22,520 --> 01:10:27,520 I did that for Christmas every year until I turned 1 8. 1239 01:10:27,600 --> 01:10:30,440 I haven't been able to walk in a coffee shop since, though. 1240 01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:32,240 Where's your mom now? 1241 01:10:32,360 --> 01:10:35,360 Mom died when I was in college. 1242 01:10:36,800 --> 01:10:38,520 I'm sorry. 1243 01:10:40,360 --> 01:10:41,560 [Alicia] You know what? 1244 01:10:41,640 --> 01:10:45,400 There's nothing that you can do about those Christmases. 1245 01:10:45,480 --> 01:10:47,920 But the one that you can do something about, 1246 01:10:48,040 --> 01:10:52,960 the one that's here and now, you just spent that destroying my family. 1247 01:10:53,040 --> 01:10:55,800 Alicia, just for the record, 1248 01:10:55,880 --> 01:10:58,000 I didn't destroy your family. 1249 01:10:58,120 --> 01:11:00,080 What are you talking about? 1250 01:11:00,200 --> 01:11:02,560 Your parents are splitting up. 1251 01:11:02,680 --> 01:11:04,960 It's obvious. Brian knows it. 1252 01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:08,840 That's why he spends all his time in his room on his computer. 1253 01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:12,040 You just didn't wanna see it. I can understand that. 1254 01:11:13,320 --> 01:11:15,240 I'm gonna go get my dad. 1255 01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:16,800 Lock up when you leave. 1256 01:11:38,600 --> 01:11:41,120 Well, all right. 1257 01:12:16,520 --> 01:12:18,120 I forgive you. 1258 01:13:35,920 --> 01:13:38,520 No! No, Spirit! No! 1259 01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:42,520 I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year, 1260 01:13:42,600 --> 01:13:44,800 [knocking] 1261 01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:47,040 No one's home! 1262 01:13:47,120 --> 01:13:48,400 [knocking] 1263 01:13:48,520 --> 01:13:49,920 [groans] 1264 01:13:51,880 --> 01:13:53,160 What? 1265 01:13:53,280 --> 01:13:54,600 [knocking] 1266 01:13:54,680 --> 01:13:56,480 I hear you. 1267 01:13:58,720 --> 01:14:01,600 - Are you gonna hit me? - No. 1268 01:14:01,720 --> 01:14:04,160 Are you gonna do something else that still hurts? 1269 01:14:05,520 --> 01:14:08,240 No. You gonna invite me in? 1270 01:14:08,360 --> 01:14:10,520 You just stopped by to hang out and catch up? 1271 01:14:10,600 --> 01:14:13,720 - Reminisce? - You owe me money. 1272 01:14:15,080 --> 01:14:17,560 Right. The money. 1273 01:14:17,640 --> 01:14:20,440 Okay, come on in. I'll get my checkbook. 1274 01:14:32,960 --> 01:14:36,880 You rented my place when you could've been staying here? 1275 01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:43,400 Well, I gotta admit, this is nice. 1276 01:14:43,480 --> 01:14:44,760 Thanks. 1277 01:14:46,000 --> 01:14:48,800 You still splitting up with Christine? 1278 01:14:48,880 --> 01:14:51,960 [Tom] Yeah. I guess. 1279 01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:55,400 That would be a shame. 1280 01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:57,000 [laughs] 1281 01:14:57,960 --> 01:14:59,800 What are you laughing at? 1282 01:14:59,880 --> 01:15:03,560 Nothing. It's just ironic. 1283 01:15:03,680 --> 01:15:06,000 I paid all that money to be part of your family. 1284 01:15:06,120 --> 01:15:08,720 You're giving it away for nothing. 1285 01:15:10,640 --> 01:15:11,800 [Drew] Look at this. 1286 01:15:11,880 --> 01:15:14,560 That's the ticket to Doo-Dah's play. 1287 01:15:14,640 --> 01:15:16,440 Yeah. I got mine too. 1288 01:15:26,760 --> 01:15:30,360 [Tom] I'm not very good at apologizing. I don't know if they're in there. 1289 01:15:30,440 --> 01:15:32,360 [Drew] Come on. What do you have to lose? 1290 01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:37,880 [Doo-Dah] What do you want with me? 1291 01:15:37,960 --> 01:15:39,680 [Marley] Much. 1292 01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:41,280 [Doo-Dah] Who are you? 1293 01:15:41,360 --> 01:15:43,840 In life, I was your partner... 1294 01:15:43,920 --> 01:15:45,000 See anybody? 1295 01:15:45,120 --> 01:15:46,920 That's Doo-Dah right there. 1296 01:15:47,040 --> 01:15:48,800 What is the reason for this visit? 1297 01:15:48,880 --> 01:15:51,360 It is getting late and I've been hard at work. 1298 01:15:51,440 --> 01:15:52,720 He's not that bad. 1299 01:15:52,840 --> 01:15:54,560 [Marley] To warn you, Ebenezer. 1300 01:15:54,640 --> 01:15:56,640 He's not that good either. 1301 01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,600 I'm gonna find Christine. 1302 01:15:58,680 --> 01:16:01,480 [Marley] Learn from me. 1303 01:16:03,560 --> 01:16:06,920 My spirit never walked beyond our counting house. 1304 01:16:07,040 --> 01:16:13,240 It never roved beyond our money-changing hole. 1305 01:16:13,320 --> 01:16:15,360 So I am condemned 1306 01:16:15,480 --> 01:16:18,280 to wander through the world 1307 01:16:18,400 --> 01:16:21,280 to see what I might have shared on Earth, 1308 01:16:21,400 --> 01:16:24,560 then turned to happiness. 1309 01:16:26,160 --> 01:16:27,560 What are you doing here? 1310 01:16:27,680 --> 01:16:30,040 [Doo-Dah] You were always a good businessman. 1311 01:16:30,120 --> 01:16:32,520 Doo-Dah's family, right? 1312 01:16:35,200 --> 01:16:37,800 Brian. It's me, move over. 1313 01:16:37,880 --> 01:16:41,120 No, man. Go find one of the other empty seats. 1314 01:16:41,200 --> 01:16:43,280 Move over, Bri. Come on. 1315 01:16:49,080 --> 01:16:51,520 - Where's your sister? - [both] Shh. 1316 01:16:53,160 --> 01:16:55,760 - Dear Brother! - Fanny! 1317 01:16:55,880 --> 01:16:58,360 Christine... 1318 01:17:00,200 --> 01:17:03,400 If I were to leave, I wouldn't even know where to go. 1319 01:17:04,360 --> 01:17:05,960 Then why leave? 1320 01:17:07,360 --> 01:17:09,520 That's what I'm sayin'. I don't wanna leave. 1321 01:17:09,640 --> 01:17:11,640 Then don't. 1322 01:17:14,280 --> 01:17:17,320 - All right, I won't. - Okay. 1323 01:17:18,800 --> 01:17:21,640 - Is that all right? - Yeah. 1324 01:17:21,760 --> 01:17:23,640 It's good. 1325 01:17:30,520 --> 01:17:35,320 Bri, that girl... She's kinda cute for you. 1326 01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:36,920 - Talk to her. - Stop it. 1327 01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:40,000 - She's gonna hear. - I saw you looking at her. 1328 01:17:40,080 --> 01:17:41,800 - Stop. - I can tell you like... 1329 01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:43,360 I can hear you. 1330 01:17:44,640 --> 01:17:46,720 [chuckling] 1331 01:17:46,800 --> 01:17:48,040 That's embarrassing. 1332 01:17:49,200 --> 01:17:52,160 That's our grandfather. This is Brian. 1333 01:17:52,280 --> 01:17:54,440 There, Brian. You're all set. 1334 01:17:59,440 --> 01:18:00,960 I'm sorry. 1335 01:18:02,120 --> 01:18:03,640 Is that your brother? 1336 01:18:05,120 --> 01:18:07,440 Yeah. 1337 01:18:07,560 --> 01:18:09,920 How do we travel exactly? 1338 01:18:10,040 --> 01:18:13,400 Through the air. We fly! 1339 01:18:14,120 --> 01:18:15,160 Not so hard! 1340 01:18:15,240 --> 01:18:17,280 - Wedgie! Wedgie! - [people laughing] 1341 01:18:36,640 --> 01:18:39,120 [Drew] Alicia? 1342 01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:41,840 - Hey. - Hey. 1343 01:18:41,960 --> 01:18:44,720 Were you in there the whole time? 1344 01:18:44,840 --> 01:18:47,400 No. I was just here to pick up my mom. 1345 01:18:48,880 --> 01:18:53,160 She's in there with your dad. 1346 01:18:53,280 --> 01:18:56,320 They're kinda making out in the third row. 1347 01:18:56,400 --> 01:18:58,600 - Really? - Yeah. 1348 01:18:59,800 --> 01:19:01,840 - That's good. - Look. 1349 01:19:01,960 --> 01:19:05,640 I don't expect you to want to talk to me or anything, 1350 01:19:05,720 --> 01:19:10,360 so I'm not gonna bother you and give you a hard time, 1351 01:19:10,440 --> 01:19:13,800 camp outside your place and stalk you and you know. 1352 01:19:13,920 --> 01:19:15,840 But I do want to say that I'm sorry 1353 01:19:15,920 --> 01:19:19,320 for what I put you through 1354 01:19:19,400 --> 01:19:21,400 and say thank you. 1355 01:19:31,080 --> 01:19:32,920 So who are you renting for New Year's 1356 01:19:33,000 --> 01:19:36,200 'cause you know, us Valcos, we book up kind of fast. 1357 01:19:36,320 --> 01:19:38,120 [Drew] I see that. 1358 01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:40,920 And I'd get on it if I were you. 1359 01:19:41,000 --> 01:19:44,800 I'm lookin' for a family with maybe a bearded, 1360 01:19:44,880 --> 01:19:48,320 irascible dad with a heart of gold. 1361 01:19:48,440 --> 01:19:54,600 A brother who stays in his room all the time by himself, 1362 01:19:54,720 --> 01:19:58,800 and a sister who is... 1363 01:20:01,400 --> 01:20:04,600 ...wonderful and smart, 1364 01:20:05,560 --> 01:20:08,440 and really beautiful. 1365 01:20:08,520 --> 01:20:13,120 Because I think that's the kind of person that... 1366 01:20:14,000 --> 01:20:17,920 ...I could fall in love with. 1367 01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:21,720 You know anybody like that? I know it's tough. 1368 01:20:21,800 --> 01:20:22,880 Let me think. 1369 01:20:23,000 --> 01:20:25,000 Not offhand, but I'll get back to you. 1370 01:20:25,120 --> 01:20:26,960 Let me know. 1371 01:20:27,080 --> 01:20:29,920 [# Judy Garland: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas] 1372 01:20:41,560 --> 01:20:45,400 - [Horace] I hear you, dear. - [Missy] Daddy, stop the car! 1373 01:20:46,160 --> 01:20:47,520 Oh, my God! 1374 01:20:48,400 --> 01:20:50,480 Oh, my God! 1375 01:20:51,240 --> 01:20:52,560 He's kissing his sister. 1376 01:20:53,800 --> 01:20:57,160 - [Letitia] That is open-mouth. - 'Tis the season to be jolly. 1377 01:20:57,280 --> 01:21:00,480 - [Letitia] Get us out of here! - [Horace] They're tryin' to keep warm. 1378 01:21:00,560 --> 01:21:02,560 [Letitia] Come on! 1379 01:21:03,280 --> 01:21:05,200 Subtitle by Vince for Divxstation. [ www.divxstation.com ]