If someone had asked me not long ago...
why I thought it was that men left women and never came back,
I would have said this:
"New cow."
The new cow theory was born of a broken heart.
It came to me while reading an article on male behavior...
in the New York Times science section,
which chronicled a particularly fascinating study...
on the mating preferences of the male cow.
First, a bull was presented with...
A cow.
They mated.
The next day, the bull was presented with the same cow.
The bull wasn't interested.
He wanted new cow,
and this was old cow.
Curious to see if they could trick the bull,
the scientists came up with an ingenious ploy.
- Do not disappoint Daddy. - The old cow was smeared with new cow scent...
- Doesn't that feel good? - But he was no fool.
This wasn't new cow.
This was just old cow incognito.
Old cow in sheep's clothing.
Mutton dressed as lamb.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
To really understand the theory and how it took over my entire existence,
you need to hear the whole story.
When Ray came into my life,
I was booking talent for the Diane Roberts Show,
a local New York talk show that had just been syndicated nationally.
The network had given us a small window of opportunity...
in which to make something of ourselves.
We're back with Mary Lou Corkle,
outspoken conservative activist,
who's here to talk about her new book The Nest Crisis.
One of your central arguments, Mary Lou,
is to blame society's problems on working mothers.
Diane was determined to strike pay dirt with her audience...
by appealing to both their understimulated intelligence...
and their overstimulated appetite for tabloid television.
Ambition has blinded these women...
- to their responsibilities to their families. - And so, by your standards,
doing what I do makes me unfit for motherhood.
Well, we make our own beds, don't we?
That is true. Just out of curiosity, Mary Lou,
who's been making your kids' beds...
while you've been out selling your book these past three months?
My job was to supply a steady diet of raw meat...
to satisfy Diane's Emmy-clad ambitions.
Hi, Donald. Did you hear? We've gone national.
Thanks. Well, it's a new format.
We're just starting up major exposure,
and I think it's right up Hillary's alley.
She'd be among the first. I'm lining up great company. Trust me, everyone wants on.
My only colleague in this quest...
was our writer, producer and pathological womanizer Eddie Alden.
How are we doin'?
Publisher's having a coronary.
- That good? - You book 'em, I cook 'em.
Right on. Yeah.
Thank you very much. We are here talking to Mary Lou Corkle.
Any progress with Cuba?
Well, just keep trying. I swear to God.
This Castro thing is gonna kill me. I mean, it is insane.
- She will not let it go. - Forget Castro. Come on.
- I mean, what you want is a more creative angle. - Such as?
- Elena Villagolla. - Who?
One of the women the C.I.A. Hired to try and kill him back in the sixties.
Excuse me. I believe this is a smoke-free building.
Blow me. Apparently, the C.I.A. Cooked up this death oil that could pass as perfume.
The idea was she'd rub it on, Castro would be kissin' her and lickin' her...
- Don't editorialize. - Sorry. He was supposed to croak right after.
Eddie could find the sex factor in just about any subject.
He, of course, considered this a gift.
- Nina, you left these earrings in my bathroom. - You don't waste any time.
- Cynic. - Slut.
But if Eddie was enough to make me lose hope in all men,
it only took one to bring it back again.
- Hey, Rick. - How you doin', Eddie?
You are the only one I haven't met yet. I'm Ray Brown.
- This is our new executive producer. - From Washington.
I saw that piece you produced for Newsline. That was brilliant.
Thank you very much.
We just did a follow-up piece. That's why I'm a little late getting up here.
Well, I better scoot.
Jane, you want me to get 'em to turn the A.C. Up? You're looking a little flushed.
Okay.
- Jane Goodale. - I know. That's an interesting name.
- People must confuse you with the scientist. - Yeah.
- They're always asking me if I'm into chimps. - Are you?
Not really. I mean, maybe Curious George when I was five.
Curious George was a monkey, not a chimp.
- A man who knows his primates. - Yes, I do.
See you around. I heard Len Chaney's people are giving you a hard time.
Yeah, they're afraid it's gonna turn into an abortion debate and get ugly.
Which is right.
- Of course. - So guarantee Diane won't bring it up,
and we'll plant somebody in the audience to initiate it during Q&A.
I think you came to the right show, Ray Brown.
- So he's cute. - Very.
Care to elaborate?
Pale blue eyes, athletic, sort of J. Crew, but not as preppy.
- That guy again. - Are you going to buy anything or not?
- Shush! I'm concentrating! - Okay.
- Marital status? - Girlfriend.
Why are we having this conversation?
You know what? You're right. He's too much work.
And even if I were up to it, with my luck,
he'd probably end up marrying her anyway.
There's the cynical bitch I know and love.
So that's it. Case closed. Leaving this one alone.
You feeling carnivorous?
Absolutely.
So what else do I need to know about you,
apart from your addiction to processed foods,
much to the chagrin of your girlfriend?
"D."
- Whom you've been dating now for... - Three years.
Three...
Excuse me. Three years. That's...
More serious than I...
would've guessed, you know, off the cuff.
I guess it is.
You think you ever get to the moment where you just know it's the right one?
That's it.
That's the person you're meant to be with forever.
Probably.
God, he was cute.
- It's me! - We're in here.
What's the problem? Just jab it in.
- Don't rush me. - What is going on?
Dr. Lipshick started your sister on injections.
- Of orange juice? - Fertility drugs, Jane.
The orange is for practice.
For God's sake, Stephen, if you can't stick it into a Valencia,
- How are you gonna stick it in my ass? - I'm just a little nervous.
If this isn't done right, we could lose another whole month.
That was supposed to be my job.
I just wanted to show you how easy it is.
You know, this is a very emotional time for us,
and you're sucking the romance out of the entire situation.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. I think we've pretty much kissed romance good-bye...
when you started jacking off into a cup once a week.
Leave my sperm count out of it!
Chubby Hubby?
Come on, sweetie. I'll look at the dirty magazines with you this time.
I don't think you should... Enough about it!
That's great. Just great.
Very nice, Nina. Very grown up.
At least one of us is.
Good morning.
Don't bother, Eddie. I already know you're an asshole.
Hey, you're always complaining your apartment's too small.
Why don't you move in with me?
- You cannot be serious. - Why not?
Come on. All I'm meeting are hip, successful types.
- I'd much rather have someone like you. - Gee, thanks.
No, hey. This would be a strictly financial arrangement.
I've got no interest in you that way whatsoever.
- What a relief. - Come on. Is that a no?
Actually, it's a "Thanks, but not if my life depended on it."
In the dark
I can hear
You whisper
Shadows still
Move across
The distance
- Hello. - You up for a walk?
What did you say
It's okay
Did you miss me
Make it mine
Takin'time
- What? - What?
I was just gonna...
I can't speak. You say something.
No, no, no, don't. Do you think I'm insane?
Not at all.
I was just thinking how good my apartment looks with you in it.
Did you miss me
You know at times I wonder
If you ever thought of me
And I wonder if you wanted to be free like me
Let's start again. You were eating Cocoa Puffs.
- Right. - Then a couple cartoons.
- A Tweety Bird and a Road Runner, I think. - Then some more kissing.
- Right. - Okay, go on.
We had to get ready for work, so I walk into the door, and he gave me a...
- Morning, Jane. - Morning, Les. How are ya?
- Big finale-type kiss before leaving? - Exactly.
That's good, good, good. Very good, considering.
- Considering what? - Considering he's already picked out his wife.
I told you, Liz, they're having problems.
- They're not engaged. - Yet.
Nevertheless, he does sound like an interesting prospect, so here's what you do.
Pretend she doesn't exist. Never mention her name.
If he mentions her, you just nod politely, change the subject.
- Why? - Because if you bring her up,
he's gonna feel pushed and resentful.
This way, it's like, "I'm healthy, I'm happy.
No pressure. Getting sex other places."
- It's gonna drive him nuts. - Lizzy, where do you get this stuff?
Snagmen. Com. It's very informative.
- Odd. - Read the papers, Jane.
23-year-old women are lying about their age,
so excuse me, Miss "I have a crush, so I'm currently in denial."
You gotta get on your game.
You know what I really need to know? What do I do right now...
when I see him in my staff meeting in five minutes?
That's easy. Pretend he doesn't exist.
Well, good morning, Eddie.
- What is on your neck? - I bit myself shaving.
Isn't that why God invented turtlenecks?
- No. That's why God invented Darlene. - You are so gross.
- Hey, Eddie. Hi, Jane. - Hey, Ray.
Hey, Ray. Mornin'.
You okay? You look a little tired.
Morning, Diane.
Straw.
- Okay. I'm late, I know. I'm sorry. - Morning.
I locked myself out of the apartment. Keys, wallet, total nightmare.
The only reason I'm standing here right now...
is because of Habib, the nicest cab driver in the city of New York.
Okay, now, who saw ABC's 4 a. m. Newscast?
I think a lot of us missed that, Diane.
There's a big story on how single media outlets aren't cutting it anymore.
Ray, where are we on interactive?
- The web site should be up and running on Monday. - No, not should be.
Will be! We cannot sell this show...
on the pissant advertising budget they've given us.
We need to be streaming 24-7,
and we need to make every show count.
- Remember, it is all about the get. - The get.
We cannot make a splash if we only get...
the gets that everybody's already gotten.
- I need the ungettable get, got it? - Got it.
Good.
Okay, where are we on Fidel?
Well, I spoke with Juanita,
his foreign press secretary,
who assured me that the moment...
el presidente was back from his fantasy baseball camp...
she would approach him about it.
And what did she say? He might be interested?
Did she discuss his availability?
Tell me, do you think we have a shot here?
- Jane? - Sorry.
I said what do you think your chances are of getting this guy?
I think they're good, Diane.
I think they're very good.
Just a minute.
Sorry.
I thought I'd just do a few sit-ups.
Joy: The emotion evoked by the prospect of possessing what one desires.
Rapture: The experience of being carried away...
by an overwhelming emotion or passion.
Ecstasy: A state of being beyond reason and self-control.
I cannot feel my legs.
- Tell me again what we're doing here, please. - We're coming up for air.
- Oh, right. - Besides, I owe you a shirt.
Hey, that's a good idea.
- Blue? - Yeah.
This one's pretty.
- You think? - With your eyes.
Could be risky, given your impatience with buttons.
Well...
- I love it. We'll take this one. - My treat.
- No, no, no. No, Jane. - Shut up.
- Let me buy you a shirt. - Thank you.
- Hey, guys. - Eddie, hey!
We were... I mean, I just...
- She's helping me pick out a shirt. - Yeah.
- Well, I didn't mean to intrude. - Not at all. You're not.
- Not at all. Please! - No.
Listen, I gotta go to a thing.
- I gotta hit this... Great running into you. - Okay.
- Both of you. My God! I can't even... - See you around.
- All right. - Okay. - Yeah.
What a coincidence. First I run into Ray, and then we run into you.
I didn't even know he lived around here, and then, boom!
All of a sudden, there he is. So...
Wha... Okay, so I am sleeping with him.
Eddie, if you tell anyone at the office, so help me, God...
What are you thinking?
I'm... I'm thinking the same thing you are, Jane,
that you and Ray are gonna live happily ever after...
with matching Volvos and chocolate labs.
See you Monday.
Did you have any friends growing up?
Better hurry. I think he's waiting down the street.
And I never thought I'd feel this way
The way I feel about you
Soon as I wake up every night
Every day
I know that it's you I need
To take the blues away
It must be love love, love
Nothing more nothing less
Love is the best
How can it be that we can
Say so much without words
I love you, Jane.
I love you too.
He just came right out and said it, after only six weeks.
Oh, my God. Takes most guys like a year to use the "L" word.
When they finally do, they're usually, you know,
on top of you, so it doesn't really count.
- What about the "D" woman? - He's telling her tomorrow night.
- Why didn't he tell her already? - He's in a complicated situation.
Anyhow, if he were having second thoughts,
I hardly think he would've asked me to live with him.
He asked you to live with him? Oh, my God.
- What did you say? - I must've said yes or something to that effect...
because he started calling realtors, and I gave my landlord notice.
Mazel tov!
I can't believe this!
You're getting asked to play house by some guy,
and I'm still on the blind date circuit from hell.
I take it last night did not go very well.
Awful. Do me a favor. Next time Julian offers to set me up...
with one of his straight friends, shoot me before I say yes.
I'm in a sad state.
And I'm telling you, it's just screaming potential.
H- Hello?
- I didn't mean to intrude. - No, we're fine.
Didn't you want to see the patio? Come on out.
Isn't it just wonderful? Wait'll you see the view.
It's just spectacular. Right this way.
Right down to the World Trade Center.
It's such a jewel box.
I guess I'll leave you two alone to talk things over.
- Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. - I love it! I love it!
It's amazing. The light is so good! I love you.
I don't know.
Liz, I gotta go.
Oh, my God. He looks like he's been hit by a bus.
I'll call you back.
I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
You told her?
Was it bad?
Not like I thought.
I mean, she... She didn't go hysterical or anything like that.
She just was kinda,
you know, eerily calm about the whole thing.
- Well, that's good, right? - Yeah, yeah.
I just meant, you know,
it wasn't what I expected is all, you know?
- What'd she say about us? - She just, she just...
I - I didn't tell her. Jane, I just didn't think it was necessary.
I mean, to hit her over the head with this thing...
after three years, it just seemed so, so awful.
I just told her that it was over.
You know? And I think that's all she needs to know.
- Right? - S-Sure.
- And she was okay with that? - Yeah. I mean, I guess.
I don't know. It was so... It was just weird.
I mean, she just kinda... Whoooh.
You know, she just kinda went cold on me.
I mean, she's upset.
She's upset, the poor thing.
She's gotta be upset. She's... You know.
She just didn't seem terribly upset, so...
Well, you're okay with it, right?
- I mean, you're happy. - Happy?
I am so happy. I mean, this is what I wanted.
I mean, there's nothing between us anymore, you know,
and that's... that's what I was looking for, so I'm happy.
How exactly did Ray disappear?
Slowly and kind of subtly.
Single pane, double pane?
- Single pane, I believe. - Singles.
A lot more sun, I guess, than I had recalled.
This doesn't open? Well, gotta force it.
Well, maybe it wasn't so subtle.
Hi, babe.
It's me again. Listen, the realtor called,
and she said that we have to sign the lease by Monday.
I know you wanted your lawyer to have a look at the contract and everything,
but my apartment's been re-rented, and I have got to be out of here...
He is not sleeping with somebody else. What are you talking about?
First of all, Ray really isn't like that.
And second of all, the poor guy wouldn't have time.
He's been working until 3:00 in the morning every night for 2 weeks.
Okay, A: There's no such thing as a guy who doesn't have time to mess around.
They always have time for that. And B: If he ain't sleeping with you,
he ain't sleepin' alone.
Right?
Listen, you gotta talk to him. It's better than not knowing.
Sorry. This patch is worth shit.
Throughout the animal kingdom, prey species have developed...
a wide variety of escape behaviors.
Freezing is a common response to predator alarm.
Sensing danger, many animals will assume a rigid, statue-like position.
Fleeing is another popular method.
Some species will simply try to outrun their captors,
while others take an erratic zigzag course...
in the hopes that sudden direction shifts will eventually tire the predator,
causing her to give up the chase.
Smell the bacon, Jane?
I'm wondering what's happening here. I mean,
we haven't been alone together in a week.
We lost that great apartment...
because your lawyer supposedly didn't get his act together,
which is okay, I understand.
But as of Saturday, I don't have a place to live.
Ray, what the hell's going on?
I don't think I can do this.
Do what?
This. Us.
What?
Why?
- I don't know. - What do you mean, you don't know?
There has to be a reason. Just tell me what it is.
Jane, I'm sorry. I... You deserve an answer,
and I don't think I can explain it to you.
I thought we... felt the same way:
Incredibly lucky to have...
- found th-the thing. - I do.
- And here you go. - I did.
I...
I just think that we both need to take a step back.
I mean we're talking about a very serious move here.
I just wanted... I still...
I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
I feel like... such a jerk,
you know, believing that this was...
Listen to me. I love you.
I... want us to be important to each other.
Please don't do that.
Please go.
There are few things sadder in this life...
than watching someone walk away after they've left you,
watching the distance between your bodies expand...
until there's nothing but empty space...
and silence.
Remember,
time wounds all heels.
Eddie Alden. Yeah, sure. Hold on.
Hi.
Are you all right?
Why? Don't I look all right?
- You look like you hate my guts. - I do hate your guts.
That's nice.
I don't blame you, you know.
For what it's worth, this hasn't been easy for me either.
Oh, yeah, you look really... destroyed.
- Hey. - Hey, Eddie.
Eddie, did you by any chance ever find a roommate?
Well, no, actually.
Because the place I was supposed to move into just suddenly fell apart...
and my apartment's been re-rented...
and I was wondering if the offer's still good.
- Y-You're moving in with Eddie? - Maybe.
What's the apartment like?
Just a two-bedroom loft, big kitchen, lots of windows, living room.
Sounds amazing. When can I see it?
- You're moving in with Eddie. - How about tonight?
Perfect. Everything is just perfect.
Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- Here it is. - It's huge.
Yup. Kitchen, living room, whatever.
My bedroom, bathroom.
This would be your room.
What happened here?
Yeah, I got the urge to renovate one night, but don't worry.
I'd have it fixed by the time you moved in.
- You want a drink? - Sure. Some water.
We don't have to share a bathroom, do we?
Oh, no, I never, ever use the bathroom.
So how'd you find this place?
My ex-girlfriend worked in an emergency room.
Whenever someone croaked, she'd check out their address, see if it was rent control.
Eventually, we got lucky.
You lived with somebody?
- Yeah. - For how long?
For... a while.
- So what do you think? - I think I must be out of my mind.
They say you stand
By your man
Tell me something
I don't understand
You said you loved me and that's a fact
- Hey! - Thank you!
Shit.
Well, some days you can explain away
But the heartache's with me till this day
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way
All the times
That we were close
I remember
These things the most
I've seen all my dreams come tumblin'down
I can't be happy
Without you around
So alone I keep the wolves at bay
And there's only one thing I can say
You didn't stand by me
No, not at all
You didn't stand by me
No way
You didn't stand by me No, not at all
You didn't stand by me
No way
Morphine for the pain.
Hey.
It was right after she moved out.
I just took an ax and started hacking away at it.
So I thought opening up that wall...
might make it easier to breathe or something.
I don't smoke.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
What was her name?
Rebecca.
Put your shoes on. We're going downstairs.
- What's downstairs? - You'll see.
It's like there are two realities.
First, we're in love, and it's incredible, it's perfect.
And then poof! "Sorry, Jane."
Doesn't work for me anymore."
- How is that possible? - Easy. You were living in a fantasy.
Romance, true love, soul mates,
it's all bullshit.
None of it exists.
Trust me. I speak from experience.
Man, she really did a number on you, didn't she?
Well, don't shit on my broken heart...
just because you converted to some warped brand of romantic atheism.
Oh, man!
It's called self-preservation.
In other words, you narcotize yourself with casual sex.
No, no, no. See, that implies I'm avoiding reality...
when, in fact, I embrace it.
Don't underestimate casual sex, Jane.
- It's very liberating. - I'll bet.
I almost feel sorry for her.
What for?
I make no pretenses, okay?
Now, if she wants to put me up on a white horse,
that's her choice.
We're all grownups here, Jane.
You know I love you, baby
And I don't want nobody else
I can't help wonderin'if I
I lay awake that night wondering which was worse:
Guys like Ray who blinded you with charms and promises,
or the Eddies of the world who went right for your pants.
Excuse me.
And in the end, it didn't matter.
The truth was, they were all cast from the same mold.
But the question remained.
Why?
And then one day by the river,
I found my answer.
Holy shit!
I told them dumb asses it'd never work.
You can't fool a bull, mister. No, sir.
He knows where he's been, and he ain't goin' back.
Hell, I got... I got 93 cows.
Only one of'em got nads.
Why? 'Cause that one son of a bitch alone can knock up an entire herd.
But once he's done, well, the party's over.
I gotta go over to Ed Hickey's place down the road...
and trade him for a new one...
'cause there ain't a chance in hell...
he's ever gonna touch any of them cows again, no, sir.
- I figured it out. I'm the old cow. - I don't get it.
Remember a couple weeks ago when we were laughing at that graffiti on the subway?
- " Baby, I love the toilet you sit on"? - No.
"I'm tired of banging the same woman every night."
We thought there might actually be something to that,
- like it could be a window into their dark... - Schizophrenic behavior.
Well, it is. The new cow theory...
and "I'm tired of banging the same woman every night,"
same thing.
This is why men can't commit.
Sooner or later, we all become old cows.
We're identified as already serviced,
so they wanna move on and find less familiar females.
- The whole novelty thing, you mean. - Neophilia, to be precise.
- What do you think? - What do I think? I think...
it's always about you, that's what I think.
You fall for some guy, and it's like men are worthy of heroic worship.
You get dumped and suddenly they're shit-sucking, commitment-phobic assholes.
I'm sorry, Jane. The entire universe does not revolve around...
your romantic status.
You're in love.
I'm almost in love.
Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me?
You're having a spectacular mope. I didn't wanna ruin it.
- Oh, my God! - We met at a work party a couple of weeks ago and...
Just incredible. I mean, he's so...
And I'm so...
Although I appreciated Liz's intoxication...
over her seeming good fortune,
I refused to be derailed.
Now armed with my new cow theory,
I became voracious for information.
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
- Hey! Eddie! - What's this?
"Amygdala, AKA erotic nose brain.
- Give it back! - "An organ located in the nasal cavity,
"which connects smells to memories."
"Banana slugs, actually hermaphrodites..."
"While mating, the males chew each other's penises off."
I worry about you, Jane. I really do.
Despite my conviction,
there was the occasional setback.
I want my erotic nose brain removed.
I beg your pardon?
My amygdala, the organ deep inside the nasal cavity,
which processes scent, which then connects to memory.
I'd like it extracted.
But why would you want to voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?
Well, let me see if I can explain this.
I had this boyfriend, okay?
And he smelled really, really good, like soap...
and fresh laundry and vanilla.
And every time I smell any of those smells,
I'm reminded of my boyfriend and how happy we were...
before he dumped me for no good reason.
And I get very sad, and then I get angry.
And then before I know it, I am in the throes of an all-out emotional breakdown.
And so I was just thinking, Dr. Glen,
if I can just short-circuit my nose somehow,
I might actually have a chance of living a semi-normal life someday.
Hey, wait!
Couldn't sleep?
- No. - Me neither.
Does that happen to you a lot?
Yeah.
Me too.
- Just like eating worms. - Yeah.
Talent. These are good.
Here.
Head back.
- Yeah? - Good.
Good.
Cold dumplings. My favorite.
Way to go, Tomcat. Two points.
Tomcat?
Cheerleader.
A what?
I was a cheerleader.
- You were a cheerleader? - Yes, I was.
Paul G. Blazer Memorial High. Pride and joy of Cincinnati, Ohio, state champs, 1989.
- Go, Cats. - Go, Cats.
Well, show me.
- No. No! - Come on! Why not?
I just haven't done it in ten years, Eddie. Come on.
- You come on. Show me. - You have to do something that merits a cheer.
Like, like, like...
Like three dumplings, left-handed, in a row.
- You can't do that. - Deal?
Deal.
One, two, three.
Like that?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
- You promise not to laugh? - No. Come on.
- What are those? - Pom-poms.
Okay.
I hate you.
It's okay.
Ready? Okay!
The Tomcats are here...
to show...
Ready? Okay!
The Tomcats are here...
to show who's top.
You think can beat us...
but we can't be stopped!
Go, Tomcats!
- First and ten and... - Eddie?
Hey, hey.
Hi. I'm Jane.
Roommate.
- Isabel. - Isabel, Jane.
- You can clean up. It's your turn. - Okay. Okay.
Good night. We're a little noisy.
Hi, George. It's Jane.
God, I'm such an idiot.
I mean, I sensed things were a little off when he got back from L.A.,
but I just thought that he was just jet-lagged or something.
Then he tells me the France thing isn't such a good idea...
because he's gonna have to work the whole time anyway,
so still, I figure, "Okay, that's no big deal."
So Friday he gets on a plane, he goes over there alone.
Right? Wrong.
An hour ago, I call his hotel room to say good night.
Guess who answered the phone 1:00 a. m. Paris time?
Penelope Pope.
- Who's Penelope Pope? - I have no idea,
but that's what she said when I said, "Who the fuck is this?"
- Oh, God. I don't get it! - Liz, I'm sorry.
I mean, why feed me all that romantic crap if he's just gonna cheat on me?
- Two words: Copulatory imperative. - Excuse me?
It's the biological urge to spread their seed.
The truth is, less than five percent of all male animals are monogamous.
The other 95% are...
Plucking Penelope Pope?
Hi, Jane.
I stopped by H&H on the way in,
picked up a sesame seed bagel...
lightly toasted, just like you liked.
Okay.
Ray has a cold. I'm hoping it will turn into pneumonia...
and that weeks of bed rest will cause abdominal muscles to atrophy.
Ben wants to add a column to the magazine for women.
It finally hit him that 20% of our readership is female.
The idea is for it to be about men.
You know, how they're so paranoid...
- about going bald and that kind of thing. - So...
Forget baldness. The real issue is their behavior.
You know, that stuff like that copulatory impulse...
Imperative. Hey, Bobby, can I get some more hot water?
The point is, I think you should write it.
Are you crazy?
Well, why not? I'm not a writer. I'm not a psychologist.
We don't need a psychologist.
We need someone who's been in the trenches, baby.
Liz, I don't know what I'm talking about.
All I have are a bunch of notebooks filled with ridiculous little factoids.
I mean, this is not a full-time job. This is a hobby.
A sick, twisted, pathetic little hobby.
You get paid to write about something you're already obsessed with.
If you want anonymity, we'll give you a pen name.
I personally think it'd be cathartic for you,
and you'd be doing your dear, sweet, wonderful friend a huge favor.
Pen name?
I'm doing this once. Do you hear me? One time.
- Fine. I'm telling you, it's gonna be fun. - Fun?
I'm helping concoct the background of a nonexistent scientist...
who's about to publish her delusional theories in the nation's top men's magazine.
You're right. This is fun.
Okay, try this...
Born in Sussex, 1937.
Cofounder of the Institute of Pathological Narcissism in Vienna.
- Who is she? - The recently deceased Harriet Gould of Astoria.
No surviving relatives. She's perfect.
- She even has a bun. - That's her.
Dr. Marie Charles.
Oh, my God.
Every bull begins a relationship...
with certain cards up his sleeve... aces.
Tools of seduction by which he lures a new cow.
One of the most notorious examples...
is the current cow sob story.
Allow me to deconstruct the essential elements.
You're so easy to talk to,
not like my current cow.
This is key to understanding the myth of male shyness,
for though you think he is flattering you,
he is actually flattering himself,
showing how open and sensitive and honest he is.
I just try so hard and...
Well, I'm sure she doesn't mean to be such a cold cow.
Just in case you're starting to think he's a coldhearted, home-wrecking womanizer,
he'll throw this in just to prove he's putting his current cow...
out to pasture for good reason,
and that he's actually tormented with guilt at the thought of abandoning her.
What's that thing they always say about the love of a good woman?
That, once offered, it's guaranteed to come back...
and bite her in the ass.
- Enter case in point. - Hey.
- Thought you were with what's her name.
- Didn't work out. - You have a little saddle sore on that white horse of yours?
- Okay, so what happened? - Just lost interest.
What do you mean, you lost interest?
How exactly?
Christ, Jane, do we really have to have another postmortem?
I'm just curious is all. So you went to a movie,
then back to her place?
Then what?
So we're in the kitchen getting a drink,
and suddenly, she starts looking for food.
We had dinner right after the movie, but... I don't know.
She was still hungry. She's always hungry, it seems.
And that's bad, Women who eat?
Okay, so you're in the kitchen, she's hungry again, inexplicably,
then what?
So she takes out a pint of Haagen-Dazs... a pint...
and just starts eating it right out of the container,
and there was just something about it that turned me off.
Was the refrigerator door open?
- Why? - Answer the question. Open or closed?
It was open, I think.
Would it have made a difference if it were shut?
Would that have made the act of a nonfat woman eating ice cream...
a little less revolting to you?
What if she'd not had dinner? What if she were legitimately hungry...
before she shoved her face into a trough of Haagen-Dazs?
Would it have repulsed you less if she used a dish?
- Good night, you psycho! - Good night, neophiliac!
Hallelujah Hallelujah
- Hallelujah Hallelujah - Are you sitting down?
Oprah read the article on her show today.
The audience went so crazy for it, she called us personally,
begging for Dr. Charles to appear as her guest.
- What? - I told everyone in P.R. A different story.
She's vacationing in Hong Kong. She's at a conference in Tangiers.
- This is bad. - No, no, no. This is all good.
Okay? Trust me. I've got it all under control.
This won't come anywhere near you.
"And so, while the male may often seem shy...
"with all his Uriah Heep hand-wringin' and 'aw, shucks' toe-kickin',
"he's actually a narcissist...
"because this apparent shyness belies the more deeply rooted feelings...
"of unworthiness and fear of rejection.
"And this is what compels him to constantly seek attention...
from new cow after new cow ad nauseam, ad infinitum."
This is such great stuff.
It obliterates any sentimentality we might have...
about what noble creatures men are.
This right here is what we've been looking for. It's-It's provocative.
It's clever. It's got mass appeal written all over it.
There's just one problem. Nobody can seem to find this woman.
The Today Show's tried. Oprah's tried.
- Yeah, and have you tried? - Eddie?
- Well, no. - Well, get on it!
Do you realize what we're talking about here?
- The ungettable get? - Yes!
I don't care what it takes. You find that Dr. Marie Charles...
and bring her here to my studio.
Let me get this straight. Your best friend works at M magazine...
and she has no idea where this cow doctor is?
That's what she said.
I don't buy that. Why are you holding out on me?
I'm not! I told you she's working on it!
- Just give me her number. - I'm not gonna give you her number.
- Why not? - She's working on it!
Besides, you'd never reach her. She's atJivamukti.
- Yoga. - Yoga what?
- Jivamukti. - Jiv...
- Manhattan. Jivamukti. - Eddie!
It's a yoga place.
Eddie, don't be a jerk!
Eddie, come on!
This is so ridiculous.
Hey, hey, you have to leave your shoes in here.
Liz? Excuse me.
Jerk, she is my best friend. I would certainly know if...
Jane?
Stay!
- Bring your leg up higher. - Excuse me, sir, you're gonna have to leave.
Gee. Sorry. I know. I'm just looking for a friend.
- Sorry. You okay? - Eddie.
How you doin', Becca?
I'm good.
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
Come, class. Let's forget about this disturbance.
It's okay. Everyone, let's come on up.
Get back to your spaces and let's prepare for lion pose.
Hey, inhale. Exhale. Open your mouth.
Stick out your tongue.
That was Rebecca? Eddie, talk to me.
There's nothing to talk about.
- Hi, Liz. - I cannot believe it.
- Hey, Janey! - Hi! Hi, guys!
Eddie, this is my sister Alice and my brother-in-law Stephen.
- You're... Eddie. - Yeah. Hey.
- Are you two taking yoga class together? - No.
- We were just... I... It's stupid. - No, no, it's not stupid.
- We don't think it's stupid. - No. We just started the pregnancy class.
Oh, yeah. Congratulations.
- Thanks. She's a great breather. - Listen, I gotta go.
- Hey, it was really nice to meet you, Eddie. - Bye-bye.
Eddie preferred to leave things unsaid...
and went back to grazing in greener pastures.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
- I'm getting out of here. - Okay.
- Two champagnes, please. - Yes, sir.
Shouldn't that be a champagne and a Shirley Temple?
- Sorry. - No, you're not.
- So where'd you meet her? - She's Emily's roommate.
Emily that I made coffee for last Sunday?
Isn't that complicated?
It's never complicated, Jane.
Thank you.
Evening, sir. What can I get you?
- Scotch, please. - Yes, sir.
Did you hear Diane's joke about the reindeer?
Funny!
- Here you go. - Thank you.
I miss you, Jane.
Am I... Am I supposed to walk away now?
No.
Can we get away from this? Can we do something?
Get together for lunch, dinner, Friday night.
Friday is New Year's Eve.
That's right. That's right.
You probably have some plans.
- Don't you? - Yeah.
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
I have...
No.
I have none.
Could I call you? Would that be okay?
Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Jane.
Jingle bells Ji-Jingle bells
Well, you can't stop now. We'll do it together.
You're syndicated in over 300 newspapers.
Talk radio is having a field day with it.
Clearly the world is one giant used-cow lot.
- Look, I just want to think about it, okay? - What's there to think about?
You don't want to be a post-feminist icon?
Come on. Let's get something great to wear for Julian's New Year's Eve party.
I meant to tell you that... I kind of made other plans.
I mean, it's nothing major. It's not a big...
- Well... - What are you talking about?
- Ray asked me out. - Ray?
As in Ray Brown?
As in devil incarnate?
No! No, I forbid it!
I thought you were over this.
I think I'm having second thoughts.
So now... Dr. Charles is having them too.
- Done yet? - You got a hot date?
- No, I just have to pee. - Be my guest.
What's this, party Viagra?
No, it's nicotine gum.
- When did you quit? - Since Daphne told me she wanted to marry a smoker.
Here.
Thank you.
Why don't you put on a dress and come out with me tonight?
Why, so I can trail after your harem?
I'm flying solo. I thought I'd keep my options open.
Yeah?
Although that may be for me.
- Hello. - You're home.
Does this mean you've come to your senses?
No, and I only have an hour to get ready.
So quit worrying about me. Go out. Have a good time.
I'm going to wear that red lipstick you gave, and I'll call you tomorrow.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
- Doing what? - Ray.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay.
- Well, if you change your mind, this is where I'll be. - Thanks.
I think I'll... jump into my pj's,
probably watch a little TV...
- go to bed early... - Happy New Year.
Same to you!
Now, back to our special New Year's Eve coverage with Hugh Downs.
To recap, it was less than 48 hours ago...
that Ray Brown called to confirm his plans...
to take Jane Goodale out this evening,
a clear indication that he was, indeed,
regretting his decision to terminate their involvement.
So the question remains, why hasn't he shown up yet?
By all accounts, it would appear that Mr. Brown is sticking firmly...
to his September sanctions.
Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
Jane!
Happy New Year!
- Jane? - Don't even bother.
I need to talk to you.
Excuse me. Why didn't you... Why didn't you return my calls?
You mean the calls that came after the call you didn't make?
I... This is not true.
It's so true.
Will you stop for just a moment?
- Hey, Jane. - Listen, I know it was inexcus...
- Good morning! - Hi, Jane. Ray.
- There's a reason I didn't show up that night. - I'm sure there is.
And you know what? I couldn't possibly care less.
So let's forget about it. Okay!
I don't suppose you're interested in hearing me out.
You know what, Ray? The truth is...
Hi! You did me a favor.
Any delusions I may have still had about you, they're gone now.
It was a gift. You released me.
For the first time in months, I feel great.
- Staff meeting in my office in two minutes. - Okay, be right there.
What's wrong?
Diane's wearing your shirt.
The shirt I bought you on the sidewalk.
So, does that mean that the...
- the two of you are... - Seeing each other again.
- Yes. That's what I've been trying to explain. - Wait. Stop.
Did you say, "Again"?
I should have told you a long time ago,
but Diane insisted on keeping it quiet.
We got back together right before New Year's and...
and we went away for a couple of days, and it was terrible of me to not call, but I...
Ray, I've got Tony Robbins on line three!
- Go on. - I'm really sorry, Jane.
Hey, what is it?
- "D... " She's "D." - I'm not following.
Di... Di... "D." Diane is "D."
Yes. "D" is for Diane. "E" is for Eddie.
Ray's "D." She's the one!
I mean, she was... She is the one. I mean, she...
Just breathe. Breathe, Jane. Breathe.
Now, let me get this straight. Ray and Diane are together?
- Back together. Together again. - All right. I get it.
- Let it go. Ray and Diane? - Yeah!
Okay... It doesn't matter.
That chapter's over, remember? It doesn't matter.
Now we got to go in there, so pull it together.
Do you hear me? Don't cry.
Don't cry, please. You're gonna be fine.
- Okay. - We're gonna go in there.
- Good. You all right? - Okay.
Jane, where are we for next week?
We're all set with Gerard Depardieu. Right, Jane?
Good. New movie?
Amazing. Amazing.
I actually... I saw it. It's...
about a man whose whole marriage falls apart and...
I mean, it's brutal, actually. I mean...
You know, they show the whole love story first.
You see that this woman means... everything to this-this man.
In fact, there's this-this... this one scene...
where he actually sits in just a... a dark...
It's very touching. He's sits in a dark room, and he just...
You just start to see the-the tears and stuff.
I mean, the man is completely, you know, broken, and you feel it.
You really feel it, and it's devastating. It's a devastating...
Is this a joke?
No. What do you mean?
I mean... I mean, is this a joke?
- No, I saw it two nights ago. - What's so funny, Jane?
- Can you believe this guy? - I know, I...
So sensitive... So...
So devastated when it comes to some chubby French guy, but!
Stomp on somebody's heart in real life, and where's his sorry-ass pity then?
Nowhere! Why? Because he doesn't get it!
He never gets it!
Someone please explain it to me.
Because I don't know what you are talking about!
- Evelyn, is she free? - Yeah. She is.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, Diane. L... I don't know where that came from.
Well, I do. I know exactly where it came from.
You do?
Some guy crushed you under his boot heel,
and you lashed out at poor Ray as being...
representative of the prick that did that to you.
- I'm right, aren't I? - More or less.
Well, you can't do it, Jane.
- I don't care how much it hurts. - I know.
No, you don't know. Now, sit down and listen to me.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
About six months ago, my boyfriend tried to leave me.
Well, he did. He left.
And I was devastated. I was destroyed. Did you see it?
- No. I didn't. No. - Right.
Do you know why? Because if I fall apart,
everything around me falls apart...
everything that I have worked my entire life for.
- Do you love him? - Wh-Who?
- Him. The guy. - I don't know.
Of course you do. Now, have you talked to him lately?
No. No. Not ex... Not exactly talked.
Do it. Do it. Talk to him.
I used to feel that if I kept my heart to myself,
If I never let him know how much I needed him, that he would never leave me.
Well, guess what? He did.
And I lived in a private, pathetic puddle...
until I couldn't stand it anymore,
And so you know what I did? I showed up at his doorstep...
with two corned beef sandwiches on rye, lightly toasted,
and I told him that I was lost without him.
You said that?
Pretty progressive? And I'm happy. Go figure.
I never thought I'd be happy.
And you believe her?
This is true love? This is what we all should be looking for?
That is the most tragic thing I've ever heard.
We're talking about a woman whose boyfriend was screwing you in order to get away from her.
And she's the authority on romance?
The only reason she believes that crap is because she has to.
She's an old cow.
Truth is all we need to do is adjust our radar a bit.
You know, learn to be attracted to men we're simply not attracted to.
Hang on. What are you talking about?
Well, for example, normally...
I might be attracted to a guy like you.
But thanks to Dr. Charles, I've learned to control my passion for testosterone,
and now I can proudly say...
that I no longer find you in the least bit desirable.
Oh, gee. That's swell.
I need a drink.
Does she have any idea that she's completely insane?
No. She's right. Diane is an old cow. He cannot go back to her.
Okay, that's it.
Jane, these are people, not cows!
Hello.
I should have known you would take his side.
This isn't about sides, Jane. It's about dealing with reality.
- And you need to get a grip. - That's rich...
coming from an emotional moron who's whoring his way through Manhattan,
using women like A.T.M. Machines.
That's great. I get dumped, sleep around, and I'm a moron.
You, you get dumped and become the disciple...
of some crone-slash-quack behavioral scientist...
who can't tell the difference between quadrupeds and bipeds, and you're normal.
- She is not a crone. And she is not a quack! - How do you know?
Who gives a shit?
You know, while you were out there buying these theories about the horrors of men...
And why guys like Ray won't ever come back,
deep down inside you're hoping he would.
Men are evil. Men are scum. But please, Ray, won't you make a liar out of me?
Well, you got what you asked for, Jane.
He did go back. He just did it with the wrong girl!
It's over! Over.
- Why can't you just let it go? - Because.
- Because why? - Because I can't.
- Why? - Because I was happy.
Because if this... theory is wrong,
men don't leave all women, Eddie, they leave me.
I know what it does to you. I know.
Maybe that's why we hold on as hard as we do.
We just can't believe that such a miracle can ever happen to us twice.
And...
But it can.
Someday you'll find it again.
I promise you. Look at me.
- A mess. - I'm looking at you.
And you're beautiful.
Hey, you are beautiful.
You're intelligent... and real.
And Ray is not the last man you're ever gonna love.
I promise you he's not.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Listen.
- L... - No, no, no.
No. No.
No, you're not going to analyze this one, Jane.
- I'm not? - No. No.
You're so hell-bent on making sure things fit, you miss out on all the fun when they don't.
Well, I...
No? Right now you're trying to rationalize last night.
Yeah? Worrying about what might have happened.
Me, I'm just getting a kick out of the fact that I...
spent an entire night with you in my arms,
and I didn't even cop a feel.
Well...
maybe one.
What?
Well, I'm relieved.
I mean, for a second there, I...
I thought maybe you thought last night was...
You know, or that you would... think...
That would've really blown your Dr. Charles out of the water?
Temporarily maybe, but you would have shown your spots eventually.
- My spots. - Oh, come on, Eddie.
Men never fail to do what's in their nature to do.
And what is that, Jane?
Disappoint you? Abandon you?
What's really behind these theories?
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Sorry. What you see is what you get.
Is it?
You know, this is not about my nature, Jane. This is about yours.
- Hello. - Janey?
Listen, Stephen. Can I call y'all back?
Your sister's in the hospital. We lost the baby, kiddo.
Hey, Janey.
Did you see Stephen?
I saw him in the hallway...
- Getting water. - Getting ice.
Good luck. God love him.
They break so easily, don't they?
Last weekend, he woke up in a panic.
He said that he had to go shopping for the baby.
You know how anal he is. I thought he was gonna come back with...
thermometers and baby blankets and safety gates.
When he walked in the door, all he had was this little, tiny bag...
and inside was this...
this perfect little baseball mitt.
He got it in his head that it was going to be a boy.
Janey.
Okay, I've got ice.
I've got blankets. I've got magazines.
Look at my wife.
Have you ever seen anyone more beautiful?
You're nuts.
Diane, it's Jane.
I found Dr. Charles,
Okay, is everybody ready to have a good time?
Now, come on. You're going to have to do a lot better than that.
Okay, let me explain how everything on the show's gonna work.
- It's a really informal show... - Yo, Ray! Do we have her on the line yet?
Two minutes. The magazine's putting her through.
- All right! - Two minutes.
- Diane, two minutes. - So, Diane's going to come out.
The first guest is going to come. We have about a 15-minute segment.
Our first interview is gonna be on the telephone, okay?
Dr. Marie Charles.
I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you 100% sure you want to do this?
I'm sure. I'm sorry to put you in this position.
Don't worry about me. I just want to make sure you haven't lost your mind.
Maybe I have. Here she is, Ray.
Dr. Charles.
Welcome. Rarely have I had the honor to host...
such a distinguished and extraordinary guest.
Today, Dr. Marie Charles speaks out for the first time...
since the publication of her searing article...
Network says we've already had 20,000 hits on the web site.
Holy cow. The reclusive Dr. Charles...
has agreed to an exclusive, live telephone interview.
And I consider it a rare gift...
from someone whose work has meant a tremendous amount in my life,
as I'm sure yours.
Dr. Marie Charles
Hello, Dr. Charles. Are you there?
Hello, Dr. Charles. Can you hear me?
I'm getting nothing.
- Where the hell is she? Where's the feed? - Excuse me.
We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
If you'll just bear with us, I'm sure we'll get it repaired.
Tell them to patch it through on the other line.
- We can't. We only have one dedicated line. - Shit!
Okay, take us to commercial.
She's here. She wants to go on.
Hold that. Hold that. Hold that.
She's here. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it seems that the reason we've been unable to get through...
to Dr. Charles telephonically...
is because at this moment she is right here in our studio,
having decided to do the interview in person after all.
- Holy shit. - So let's not waste any more time.
Join me in welcoming Dr. Marie Charles!
- Makeup? - Stop. Stop.
Show yourself, Dr. Charles.
Wake up!
Jane, what's going on? Where's Dr. Charles?
There is no Dr. Charles.
There never was.
I invented her, Diane.
- You... - I invented her because...
I had something to say, and... somehow...
I thought if... if-if-if it were coming from a 65-year-old Ph. D.,
that you would see it the way I had...
as a truth, as a legitimate, scientific truth.
But it isn't. It's completely ridiculous.
And...
I lied to you all, and I lied to myself.
Because the real truth is that...
I was heartbroken... and lost.
You know, and I just wanted to understand it somehow.
I wanted it to be... about them.
So everything I thought I had figured out was completely upside-down.
I thought this bull had gone on to another new cow,
when, in fact, she was an old cow who had become a new cow again.
I mean, what was I talking about?
I was comparing men to animals,
which... okay, let's face it... sometimes they are.
But sometimes they are not.
Sometimes you open the barn door,
or the hospital room door...
or the bedroom door and...
you find the real thing.
You find a guy who...
can sit with you when you are at your absolute worst,
when you are knee-deep in Kleenex, and your face looks like a punching bag,
and you are a complete and total mess.
And he...
can still look at you and tell you...
that Ray is not the last man you're ever going to love.
Eddie! Oh, my God.
Hey, are you all right?
All right. There you go. Late edition.
I been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
- I've been traveling all around the world - Eddie!
Eddie!
- Oh, Eddie! - Waiting for you to come through
Someone like you can make it all worthwhile
Someone like you
- Keep me satisfied - Eddie! Eddie!
Stop. Stop.
So, what you see is what you get?
Minus a few gray hairs and a Ph. D., yeah.
I'm really sorry, Eddie.
You should have told me.
I should have told you a lot of things.
You were right.
It was about my nature.
Out of all the things you said to me that night,
what scared me the most is...
that I would find it again.
Because I have.
Would you please say something?
No.
I have been
All around the world
Marching to the beat of a different drum
So you're saying?
What do we got to lose?
- Everything? - Exactly.
♪ Someone like you
♪ Can make it all worthwhile
♪ Someone like you
♪ Keep me satisfied
♪ Someone exactly like you
♪ The best is yet to come
♪ Yeah
♪ How do you do it anyway
♪ Like there ain't nothing to it
♪ To make me stay
♪ No tricks with smoke and mirrors
♪ Not anything up your sleeve
♪ A second look and it can't be clearer
♪ It's no mystery
♪ It's in the way you love
♪ It's in the little things you say
♪ It's in the way you live
♪ And give your heart away
♪ It's in the chance you took
♪ It's in the way you look at me
♪ That sets you a world apart
♪ And makes you who you are
♪ And you are
♪ Beautiful
♪ You are
♪ Pressed on my soul your fingerprints
♪ Goin' where no one's ever been
♪ Well, I don't know how but I know you're in it
♪ My life my world, my dreams
♪ I try but I just can't pin it
♪ Down to one thing
♪ It's in the way you love
♪ It's in the little things you say
♪ Fighting fire with fire
♪ Watch out
♪ You might get what you're after
♪ Cool babies
♪ Strange but not a stranger
♪ I'm an ordinary guy
♪ Burning down the house
♪ Hold tight
♪ Wait till the party's over
♪ Hold tight
♪ We're in for nasty weather
♪ There has got to be a way
♪ Burning down the house
♪ Here's you ticket Pack your bags
♪ Time for jumpin' overboard
♪ Transportation is here
♪ Close enough but not too far Maybe you know where you are
♪ Fight fire with fire
♪ All wet
♪ Hey, you might need a raincoat
♪ Shakedown
♪ Dreams walking in broad daylight
♪ Three hundred sixty-five degrees
♪ Burning down the house
♪ Here was once upon a place Sometimes I listen to myself
♪ Gonna come in first place
♪ People on their way to work Baby, what did you expect
♪ Gonna burst into flame
♪ I don't know what you expect staring into your TV set
♪ Fighting fire with fire
♪ Burning down the house