Seeing that this is the first scene,
can they understand what they're about to see?
Focused?
This is not a confession.
This isn't... he said she's dead.
This is the truth.
We're not murderers.
We're not monsters.
Your turn, Chunk.
What?
Okay, Jordan.
When I said I wanted to make a movie,
this is not what I meant.
Uh, you said video and correct me if I'm wrong
but who doesn't like...
funny faces, right, Chunk?
Huh?
How are funny face videos going to get us...
Continue.
Girls.
This is our last year of high school
and I don't want to be remembered
as some girlfriendless loser.
Chunk's a girl and she likes funny face videos.
Right, Chunk?
See?
I mean real girls.
No offense, Chunk.
Well, if female companionship is the ultimate goal,
then there's only one video we shall make,
a frame by frame remake of 1979's.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
I, obviously, will be Captain Kirk.
Jordan "Spock", Chunk "Scotty."
And I have all the costumes, so I mean...
Okay, my dad didn't buy me
that camera so that you could get a hard on playing Spock.
You're Spock, I'm Kirk.
But, pray tell,
what kind of video would you like to make, Jordan?
I'm getting a girlfriend this year.
Period.
Happy birthday.
Dang.
Dang, what?
Something came up.
Dang!
Connor?
What did you do here?
I'm trying to fix it.
Fix what?
It's brand new, Chunk.
Brand new junk, maybe.
You're vociferating like a... Romulan.
I'm not voc... okay,
I don't even know what that means.
I think angering him.
Okay, yeah.
I was voc... because I told you not to bring...
Fascinating.
My expertise says,
"Captain, there's something wrong with this bloody thing."
Yeah, like no color, man.
Fuck. Fuck!
Your camera will be repaired, okay?
Finish your video.
Hey, we're here for you.
Copacetic?
Tell me a time I've ever let you down before.
All right, can you hurry?
Eve's birthday is tomorrow, so...
Eve Goodwin?
We're doing all this for Eve Goodwin?
Here's the receipt.
Don't lose it.
You're paying for that,
even if it means selling every ounce of blood in that
extra grande body of yours.
It's not broke no more, man.
See? Dang.
The only thing that's broken is my nose, my glasses,
and my dream of breaking John Meringer's record
of 12 Star Trek Adventures in a row.
Wait, but I thought the doctor said
that your nose would be good in, like, 2 months.
True, but my mother's making me pay for new glasses
from my own bank account which means no money,
no convention, no collectibles, no justice.
Quit it.
Just making sure we're good, man.
Dax hit this pretty hard before Connor caught it with his face.
What?
Dax Gaiman did this?
What was he doing at an electronic store?
Cutting in front of us in line.
Snatching your camera away,
appeasing his demented sense of humor.
So Connor says something.
Dax says something.
So Connor shuts up.
I was weighing my options.
Then Dax yells "catch" like Connor's face
is a baseball mitt or something.
Ugh!
The good news is, camera works great now, man.
What a dick. I'll pay for your glasses.
I appreciate that.
The only person that should pay needs to pay.
How, man?
He'll just steal our wallets again like he always does.
I'm referring to emotional compensation.
It's time we right some wrongs, gentlemen.
How, man? He'll just beat us up again.
Chunk.
It's true.
He's a Jesus freak.
They're sadists.
They like it when everyone suffers.
Then we need to demonstrate how our brains
are mightier than his brawn.
Is this somehow humorous to you?
What is this?
The Wild-Wild West?
I mean, do we look like vigilantes to you?
We couldn't even scare ourselves.
Okay, maybe Chunk could.
Let it go, all right?
He's one bad apple.
An eye for an eye only makes everyone blind.
The correct adage is one bad apple spoils the barrel
and you know as well as I that
this barrel's been rotting for years.
It's ripe for some change.
Okay, there are kids starving in Africa,
dying of malaria, genocide,
I mean, God knows what...
what am I doing debating Mr. Drugged out
Frank Castle over here?
Besides, we have Eve's video to finish.
Myopia also occurs in people
who think they've fallen in love.
Huh?
That's Mother.
Tomorrow at the park, 2:00 p.m.
We'll clarify the mission further.
What mission?
Kill Dax Gaiman.
Coming, Mother.
Metaphorically, of course.
Wait, wait, wait. What about Eve's video?
As your best friend, I suggest you move on.
How can I without your help?
Live long and prosper...
Connor, seriously, you promised.
I can't run the rube and film it by myself.
This is lame!
Really fucking lame.
Yeah, so we saw Dax, he was...
Turn it off.
Okay, but we saw... Turn it off!
As you might have deduced,
I was in a bit of a carefree state
when I authored this last night
but hopefully, you got the gist of my email which is,
this mission, I hope to accomplish the following.
And immediately after,
so that everyone, and I mean everyone sees
that we boldly went where no man or woman has gone before,
besting Dax Gaiman.
And with the anticipated amount of views, we'll...
So in a nutshell,
our next Star Trek convention will be completely subsidized.
Thanks, Dax.
What's that look for?
What look?
It's how I look, deal.
He's angry because we didn't help him
finish his video. I offered to help, but...
Okay, you is what made it unfinished,
and that's only part of the reason.
Pray tell the other.
You've lost your fucking mind.
I mean, what happened to all that Star Trek
crap you're always blabbering about?
Logic and non violence to solve life's problems.
Sound familiar?
This is logical and non violent.
But if you're inferring some sort of hypocrisy,
need I remind you, 3rd grade, Miss Miller, Dax and I,
20 minute pow-wow.
5th grade, Principal Skyler, a one hour discussion.
8th grade, Dax's parents, my mother,
a two hour intervention all of which leads us to here.
Now Dax and us and everyone
that pumps a little Klingon blood,
a little warrior spirit.
In special circumstances like this,
one needs to channel it as long as one controls it.
Yeah, well, you have more than just a little.
Um, guys?
Prod-brain, you devious fuck!
And I rest my case.
Touché, hombre.
You made a funny.
Don't fuckin' run, asshole!
He was referring to me, Chunk.
Time we beam away too.
Coming?
I wasn't planning anything devious.
Suit yourself.
Yo! Where you going?
Pacifism, Connor.
Learn it, live it, love it.
This recording?
I said this shit recording?
You mean you asked. Ah.
You know what I mean, smart-ass.
It is! It is! I think it is. Yes.
Oh, you are one retarded negro. You know that?
Did you see how many buttons are on that shit?
A lot. Let him go.
He has nothing to do with this.
And just be clear,
even though I'm not equipped with my custom fabricated
dog tags right now,
my hands are deadly weapons all by themselves.
Since I'm a master of the ancient Armenian
karate stance Du Kan Du.
And just to be clear, again.
It's self defense if I kill you both.
Why you always fuckin' with me, cry baby?
It's the other way around, nimrod.
Oh, you see what I mean?
What the fuck did I ever do to you, huh?
Are you suffering from acute amnesia?
My nose, my glasses, almost a decade's worth of emotional
and physical torment.
Stay away!
Oh, I think I need to teach this boy
about forgiving and forgetting.
Somebody's gots to. Stay away!
I'm not responsible for my attack maneuvers.
Ow!
Apologize. Ow, for what?
For what?
Let's go down the fuckin' list.
First, your stupid fuckin' plan
to try to make me you, embarrassing.
And second, for your dad knocking up
that slutty fat fuckin' sister of his
and for that bitch not getting an abortion.
But thirdly and most importantly,
the use of your hairy, nasty, STD-infected fuckin' cunt
making all of our lives so fuckin' miserable.
So go ahead, little bitch.
We're all eyes and ears.
Do it, Connor, just apologize.
I'm not inbred, idiot, my parents met at Bible camp.
Oh, if you're not inbred,
then how the fuck do you explain you?
The only difference between me and you, Dax,
is there was no orgy of midget baboons
involved in my conception.
I think I need to teach him a lesson to his face too.
Ah, help.
Jordan, help!
Smart, smart-ass.
Chill, you next.
D?
Yo, D, man.
D! D, let's go.
Come on, let go, man.
Oh, oh, no.
You're gonna blame the black guy.
Oh! Damn.
Think he learned his lesson?
Man, for his sake, I hope so.
Well, go ahead.
Look, they erased it all.
It's on.
I had to apologize and buy Dax Gaiman a fucking.
Chili's gift card just to get this back.
It's recording.
So why would I upload that video?
Why would you?
Not like you just stood there and allowed them
to do it to me in the first place.
I was cornered.
I mean, they're thuggish and you could have apologized.
Stupider stuff has come out of your mouth.
Ow! What the...
It's not like you helped me when I needed it.
So out of sheer spite, you backstabbed us?
What?
No.
Then how did Dax know about the mission, huh?
He knew it so well he copied it verbatim.
I... I don't know.
I didn't tell him anything.
I hate him as much... But you did tell Eve Goodwin.
It might have slipped.
But what does that have to do with anything?
Because of your weakness and stupidity,
I'm now the internet's most infamous shit face.
Ow, fuck! It's not my fault!
Ow!
Dax, I must say, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I've indeed learned my lesson.
The lesson?
Don't worry, it's not in Klingon although,
it is in a language you barely comprehend.
"Purge the evil from among you."
The rest of the people will hear about this
and be afraid
and never again will such an evil thing be done among you.
Show no pity, life for life, eye for eye,
"tooth for tooth."
So, Dax, be afraid, be very afraid
because as Captain Kirk said in the Return of the Archons,
you are the evil.
The evil must be destroyed.
Correct, Jordan?
Focused?
Okay. Cue music.
Make sure it's the proper track.
Dax needs to understand we mean business.
Hear that, Dax?
Class is in session and you'll soon discover.
No, this is not math or English
but something even rougher involving this.
This and you.
So let me unlock the first lesson,
deception in the school of hard knocks.
Focus, we mean business.
It's a little hard when I can't breathe.
My apologies.
It must have shrunken in the wash.
Yes, so are my balls in this thing.
You guys hear that?
2,200 SAT, 130 IQ and this is the best you can do?
Really?
Like the great Gene Roddenberry,
I understand my audience
and he's currently at a 5th grade
vocabulary level, if not lower.
Plus from my sources,
I hear he's definitely afraid of clowns.
No, no, I'm talking about this whole thing.
This whole behind the scenes look, I mean why?
Are we making a special edition DVD too?
Practice and patience and you would see,
this is for the most important phase of the prank,
the execution.
The change in power between our victim and ourselves.
Huh?
This is for Dax to realize he's been humiliated
by some serious gangsters.
Who?
Us.
Us?
Seriously?
We're seriously out of our league.
Enough, your pedantic attitude is starting to annoy me.
Chunk.
Now we all know you've claimed this as your domain.
But why?
Why, why, why?
Why is this yours to claim?
You're allowed access weekends and nights
when no one else can.
You say, quote, "You're cool with coach,"
but my sources tell me,
coach Reed's side catering business
gets a hearty discount from your uncle's butcher shop
which makes me think something deceptive is going on here.
Run it again, man.
But, Dax, my friend, deception cuts both ways.
See you tomorrow night, when you'll learn the hard way.
That was your cue.
Jordan?
Idiot.
And in your confusion, you wander out here.
And surprise, surprise.
A light and sound show, you will indeed fear
but keep open them eyes and ears
for it's our intention to bring you to tears.
Where did that come from?
Don't tell me it's loaded.
Chunk's aunt's pawn shop.
And yes, it is loaded not with bullets,
but with psychological intimidation.
Fancy, man. Thank you, Chunk.
Okay, I'm requesting leave of absence.
I don't have the proper stupidity to continue.
You mean your stupidity is making you not see
this prank is fool proof.
Fool proof?
What about the cameras?
Uh, duh.
No.
Duh.
And the sprinklers?
Duh, and the fire alarms after these M-80s pop?
Duh.
Fool proof?
Only proves who's the fool here.
Duh.
Hey, summer school's over.
Take your costume party someplace else.
I told you guys I heard something.
Okay, um, so music starts and...
Fuck!
Fuck, no,
there's supposed to be fuckin' balloons and confetti.
Sorry, Eve.
What's with the goofy costume?
Benny and Joon, I thought you said you loved Johnny Depp
in Benny and Joon.
Johnny Depp's cool and Benny Hill's funny
but who's Benny and Joon?
A band?
This was Connor's idea.
He's the idea guy. Shit face did this?
Oh, you've, um, you've seen the video?
Everyone's seen the video.
He totally deserved it though.
Hope he finally learned his lesson.
Yeah, right.
Did you know he almost ruined my life last semester?
He published a full page story of me starring
and directing Macbeth from the front page
to the back page of the school paper.
Actually, he just posted that...
My mom was Lady Macbeth in off Broadway.
My friends were gonna put t-shirts of my front page on it.
They all look up to me and I was completely humiliated.
I'm sorry.
Why do you spend so much time with that loser anyways?
I don't know.
Stupidity?
You should make new friends.
Like cool friends.
Like my friends.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So you have something for me, sweetie?
Oh, uh, yeah, I almost forgot.
Happy birthday.
Oh, my God, you shouldn't have...
I'm sorry it's late.
What is it a gift card?
Oh.
You like it?
Oh, it's not a gift card.
Well, put it on.
No, I'm cool.
Here,
it's an antique.
It's been in the family for three generations, I think.
It's even got diamonds on it.
Real diamonds?
I love it, thank you.
Oh, my God, what the hell?
It's just Connor.
What do you want? Okay.
Um, I'll be right back.
Hold your horses.
This is why you've been dodging me?
What does she know? What'd you tell her?
What'd he tell you?
Happy birthday? I should get to work.
Stop acting innocent, you conniving bitch!
Oh, my God, what's wrong with him?
Don't you dare judge me, cunt. Jordan.
Take that back. You take that back.
Take what back?
I swear on the honor of the Klingon code,
if you tell Dax our plan... Stay away!
Ow, you bitch!
Are you okay? No!
I swear, I've never struck a girl before,
let alone a fairytale character,
but if my nose is broken again...
Tell him, Jordan.
Tell me what?
Well.
Stay away, Connor.
From both of us.
You're that dense?
She's cavorting with Dax,
we saw him at the electronic store holding hands.
We're friends, asshole.
Like that's any of your business anyways,
you nosy prick.
We would have told you before, we just
didn't think you'd handle it.
Well?
Well, I can't kick him out right now.
What if his nose is broken again?
Enjoy your kiss and make up, then.
Eve, wait.
What a fool.
Eve!
Connor?
Jordan?
I'm apologizing straight to camera.
You watching?
I'm only doing this for you.
Eve, I overreacted.
I shouldn't have called you a cunt.
You're not.
You're just using my friend here for his money.
So for my poor choice of words, I apologize.
What I should have called you is a whore.
There, done. Copacetic?
You remember Barnes?
That obese kid in second grade used to squat over your face
and fart until you surrendered your lunch money?
That happened what? Three months straight?
Until someone came over and screamed "rape, rape, rape!"
so loud and so often that they transferred him out.
You remember that?
I know you do. That's how we became friends.
Look, I don't attest to being perfect.
You perfectly fucked up my life.
But I'm trying my best.
I understand you've had a crush on Eve
since the 5th grade and but to be honest,
for you the female species has been quite elusive.
Okay, stop, stop, fucking stop.
Stop acting like you fucking care.
All right?
That Connor, my friend, he's...
he's dead because you're not him.
You've changed.
You only care about one thing now.
You.
You're completely blinded.
Am I?
I mean, how much are you gonna blindly sacrifice
for this bullshit revenge you want?
Your friends, your future, your sanity?
I'm waiting for the strings, but yes, if I must, I will.
I didn't initiate this.
Yeah, but you'll continue it.
Over and over and over again.
It'll never stop, you'll never beat Dax Gaiman
because you're no better than him and you know it.
Done?
Yeah, I'm done.
And so is our friendship.
No, no, no, no, Jordan, you owe me for the many years,
months, and days that I stood by your side.
It's the least you can do.
There's a difference between revenge and justice, you know.
Since this is your plan we're adopting now,
wouldn't it make more sense for you to do the prologue?
But you're such a natural.
Touché.
Second lesson in the school of hard knocks, Dax, theatrics.
For instance, Jordan and I in keeping with the adage
"the show must go on,"
we've set aside past differences to concentrate on the future.
The future? Your demise.
The plan?
Not exactly ingenious...
But it'll do.
So, Dax, be afraid.
Be very afraid.
When are we picking up Chunk?
She'll need to be briefed on this ingenious plan as well.
No, no, Chunk. No more screw-ups.
She made one mistake once.
Does everybody need to be as perfect as Eve now?
I'm volunteering here, remember that.
Your apathy for me is duly been noted. Pray tell,
what has Chunk done to deserve this kind of treatment?
She's dumb, she's poor, she's uncool.
She is the same exact person you introduced to me
5 years ago when you said,
"Can Chunk join us for lunch please?"
She's not my fucking friend anymore, all right?
Period.
It sounds to me like I'm not the only one
undergoing metamorphosis.
No fucking friend would...
Continue.
Chunk? You?
Fascinating.
You know, I thought she only lusted after women.
I guess the only thing I could say is tongue or no tongue?
Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
At least I don't go around telling people
how fucking cool Star Trek is in public.
You used to, Jordan, and don't act like you didn't.
And you used to know what a joke was too.
Perseverance, means finish what you start.
And this is not humorous!
Jordan!
Assuming you're appeasing your fetish of bouncing large
orange balls right now,
we decided to bring our last lesson,
straight to your living room.
That lesson, Dax,
mayhem.
Are you done with the bullshit?
If you're referring to your attitude,
yes, I most certainly am.
Well?
Well, you officially belong on the short bus,
what can I say?
This isn't a specular sport. Make yourself useful.
This is so fucking stupid.
I said mayhem, not decorative arts.
Here.
Can't we discuss this?
What's there to discuss? They're eggs.
Throw them.
At the house.
I know.
My apologies for assuming your complete idiocy.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Chunk.
Fuck you, Dax.
Fuck you all.
Mayhem.
Someone's inside.
Who?
I see...
Who?
Paranoia, there's nobody there.
I'm done.
No, we're not even halfway done yet.
Is anybody out there?
Oh, wait,
somebody was enjoying themselves.
Profusely.
Oh, crap. What?
Is anybody in Dax's family black?
Might explain his wiggerness.
Come on, let's go.
Wait, let me raise the game.
Oh, crap. Shit.
Oh, my god. Fucking abandon ship.
Oh, my God. Retreat! Run away!
Connor, come on! We got it. We got it.
Connor, what are you doing?
Turn the camera off. It's the biggest day of my life.
Connor! I think I might ejaculate in my pants right now.
Dax, we now possess the very thing
that will bring you to your knees.
So to speak.
That'll make everyone see you for who you are,
not all American jockey boy. No, a flaming fraud.
And there's only one small man
that stands between us and justice
or should I say one giant idiot.
Hand over the cable, Jordan.
"Distrust all in whom the impulse"
to punish is powerful
and if your friend does evil to you,
say to him, 'I forgive you for what you did to me
"but how can I forgive you for what you did to yourself?"
Where is it, Jordan?
"Battle not with monsters, lest you become one."
It's your book. Ow! God.
Next time you get your face shoved into a bowl of excrement,
I'll let you lecture me on rally.
Until then... My dad's gay.
He's on a quote un-quote,
business trip with a quote un-quote, internet friend.
And that has pertinence to this how?
What is this? 1995?
Jordan, are you on dial-up?
Something humorous?
You.
Me.
Us rubes.
All these little maneuverings for what?
Something that was right there.
Right in front of our faces.
I don't comprehend.
You and this self-satisfaction.
Me knowing I was right all along.
Eve and Dax, they're friends. Just friends.
Sorry, friendo.
All tonight proves is Dax is greedy in love
as he is in everything else.
Don't let the door hit your nose on the way out.
I take no joy in being the bearer of bad news.
Tell these procurer a slice of...
pizza by the park...
Shit. Connor?
Who is it?
Who do you think? Open the fucking door!
I know you faggots are there.
Oh, crap.
Open the fucking door
or I'm going to kick this fucking thing down.
- Okay. All right. - What are you doing?
What? My dad's gonna kill me if he actually does it.
He's gonna kill me if he actually opens it.
Just give him the camera. That's all he wants.
Coming. I'm coming. All right. Open the fucking door!
All right, idiot, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
All right. All right.
What the fuck?
Where the fuck's the camera, huh?
Ah, bitch.
Connor, Connor, what the fuck are you doing?
Fuck.
You and your fucking inner Klingon.
Pop quiz.
Given the choice of having embarrassing footage of you
uploaded albeit on the slowest DSL line known to man
or apologizing directly to those you've wronged
and swearing to never do it again,
which would you choose, Daxy boy?
You're in frame, Jordan.
There's blood on the fucking floor, Connor.
And white trash bags will of course conceal that.
Okay, it's the first thing I found, all right?
We don't normally use my dad's workshop
to hold people fucking hostage.
Oh, so letting them go and pretending like
none of this ever happened would solve everything?
Well, it wouldn't have added, uh, false imprisonment
and assault and battery to our rap sheet.
All caught on tape, of course.
Congratulations.
You just set a new world record
for the lowest IQ of any member of the mammal family.
This is collateral.
That he can't ever, won't ever bully us again.
He never bullied me.
You're too stupid to notice it.
What?
Oh, fuck.
Where do you think you're going, huh?
Nowhere until we come to a little consensus.
Jordan, a little help.
Shut up.
We make your...
to rear entry only, a lost classic
if you apologize for everything you've ever done to us.
All right?
And for cavorting with Eve.
Connor.
Directly to camera.
Agreed?
What camera?
Ew. God.
For the sake of magnanimity, I'll let that go.
What are you doing?
Making sure everybody gets a good look at this.
This ain't fuckin' Sesame Street, cry baby.
Whenever you're ready, Daxy boy.
Fuck you. Help!
Help! Help! Shut up! Jordan, shut him up!
Do something! Like what? Help!
I swear I'm gonna hit you if you don't shut up!
Fucking genius! Shut up before I hit you too!
Fuck you!
Connor.
Connor, maybe you shouldn't, um... maybe we shouldn't watch.
Ah, God, he's got a hard head.
Wow.
Never seen anybody get punched like that before.
It's kind of weird.
Gag him.
What? Gag him.
Why?
So there's no repeat of the banshee act, idiot.
Fuck.
Feels like a brick wall.
Mm. Mm.
He can still talk.
It's 'cause you're doing it wrong.
Of course.
He said he was gonna shove his ass cheeks down our throats.
Is that even possible? Shut up!
Hold it!
Bastard!
Give me the gun.
I said get me the gun. Go.
Stop. I hate that.
Emotional compensation, that's all I want.
Better plans?
Fuck!
Don't act belligerent.
Stop!
All I wanted was an apology.
One simple apology.
9 years...
never once did I insult you.
Never once did I attack you.
Never once did I really do anything to you.
But for those 9 years you went out of your way
to make my life a goddamn fucking hell!
Every goddamn fucking day.
Every fucking minute you humiliated me
and every one of my fucking friends.
Why?
You tell me why.
Hmm?
Fucking pussy.
You're right.
I never gave you an incentive to stop,
until now.
Frame up a good shot.
Of what?
Six chambers, one bullet.
That means... Connor, there's no...
Shut up!
You got five chances at most to say what you need to say.
Now.
Oh, wait.
Cue music.
What music?
A requiem.
This is so stupid.
Good.
Now...
One.
Two.
You fuckin' pussy.
You really think you're gonna make it to five?
Look.
His Deer Hunter
is way better than your Benny and Joon.
Well, we spoke too soon.
Look who just sprung a leak.
Fuck you.
Unlike you, Dax, I take no joy in embarrassing others.
Okay. Maybe a little.
Just this once.
Fuck you.
But ask yourself,
how lucky can one man really be?
Do I want blood on my hands?
Nope.
Jordon?
Didn't think so.
Dax?
Fuck you!
Not very eloquent, are you?
Leaves us no choice.
Ow.
Do you... do you hear that?
No.
I'm only standing like this because I have a cramp.
Is that your father? Help!
Shut up. Help.
He's not supposed to be back for another week.
Help! Help me! Help!
Shut up!
Fuck.
It's probably the pizza guy. Go pay him.
Pizza.
Now we can continue this party all night long.
What are you doing? Planting roots?
Go! What if it's the police?
Why would police need to alarm their own cars?
No, you go, here.
But why?
Here, just take it.
I don't even... go.
Hurry.
I don't even have any money.
Oh, crap.
Jordan.
You know your front door's in a really awful shape.
I'm sorry I lost my temper
but I'm not leaving until we talk.
Crap. He's not home.
His car is in the driveway.
Crap.
It's none of your business. Go away.
Are you hearing impaired?
Go away.
Well...
Well, what?
My apology.
I may be blonde.
I may be a cheerleader, but I'm no dumb bitch.
And I'm definitely not a cunt you want to fuck with.
So open the door,
get on your knees, and beg for my forgiveness,
if you know what's good for you, sweety.
I'm still here.
Crap.
I know, you're metaphorically screwing Jordan
while literally screwing Dax.
I told Dax, your shit-faced video could have been
so much more successful if it was more dramatic
instead of just playing pathetic.
The point is?
You'll pay, sweetie. I promise.
Better be STD-free or there'll be hell to pay.
Jordan?
Jordan!
Oh, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.
Jordan.
Jordan!
Jordan.
No. No. No.
Oh, my God.
Don't.
Fuck!
How can your aunt be so mentally deficient?
It's mental deficiency to keep a gun loaded
in the shop and not inform anyone about the thing.
It wasn't loaded?
Then why are there buckets of blood?
Dax's blood that...
Hello?
Hello!
Crap, she hung up on me.
Not my fault.
Excuse me?
Not my fault.
Why is that on?
Turn it off.
Turn it off, idiot!
Please.
I'm sorry for vociferating earlier.
You understand? Dax having brains...
and seeing them splattered all over Jordan's garage is
quite jarring on both accounts.
Excuse me?
Yes, I am recording.
So we have a record.
An accurate record of what actually occurred.
Now was your aunt's gun loaded when we took possession of it?
No.
Then how the hell?
Are you 100% sure?
99%.
That 1% is really important, Chunk.
Sorry, I didn't check it.
I just assumed that it would be...
Assumptions make asses out of you and me.
And right now we are grade double A donkeys.
Why are you assuming it was my fault, man?
You did supply the gun, didn't you?
Well, you did say so throw Dax's game in.
Don't you dare turn on me, Chunk.
I'm not turning on anyone, man.
I just don't want to be blamed.
Like the camera and the janitor,
I told you guys like no, but nobody listens to me.
Like Chunk? I told you guys I'm on diet.
Jordan.
Jordan!
What are you doing?
Jordan!
Jordan.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay.
PTSD.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
We maybe experiencing some of that right now.
Maybe more so you than me but...
Apple?
But we need to overcome this and think rationally.
Like, for instance,
maybe filming all this isn't
the smartest act at this juncture.
Then how do we...
Continue.
Finish the video?
Is that what you said?
Asked.
Dax is chopped up in little pieces
in garbage bags in your garage.
I think the last thing that he's concerned about
and we should be concerned about is the video.
Big pieces.
Excuse me?
Big guy. Big pieces.
Perseverance.
Finish what you start.
Speaking of which,
I spoke to Chunk last night while you were busy with that.
And she swears
neither her nor her aunt loaded the gun.
It was loaded.
It's true. That's very true.
Question is...
how... how and... and...
Who? Who what?
Who was at the door last night?
The first time.
Uh, no one.
No one. No one rang the bell?
It was paranormal activity? Eve.
But I informed her we... we were preoccupied
with a little problem.
Not a problem anymore.
You have, uh...
Look, made a boo-boo.
School of hard knocks.
Lesson number...
Execution.
Every prank must be executed to the very end.
The very end.
Right, Connor?
Fuck!
Fuck.
I don't understand, man.
What don't you understand? It's simple.
We're in an irony of a paradox of a conundrum.
Dang. That sucks, man?
The irony being the demise of most despised individual
in all our lives brings us no joy.
Only sorrow.
Especially for me dragging you guys into this mess.
The paradox for as popular as Dax was,
there's been no police.
No phone calls.
No anything from anybody for the past day and a half.
It's not rational.
The conundrum...
to erase everything on this camera that implicates us all
or do we say that to prove to the authority
that this was all an accident.
Who's got the camera now?
I do.
Jordon requested I keep filming.
For what?
To continue the prank.
Prank.
What if all this was no accident.
What if all that stuff about Dax and Eve made him
all jealous and nuts, man.
He's Irish.
They're emotional, right?
What are you crying about now?
Get out.
It smells like body sweat in here. PS.
What part of get out do you not understand?
Fine.
There's an asshole waiting for you outside.
Who? I don't know.
Only one way to find out, right, shit-face?
Connor?
Oh, crap.
Yeah, motherfucker.
You stay back or I'll call the cops!
Get your ass out here now!
Now!
Okay, but promise not to hurt me.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
I appreciate your prudence.
Give me the fuckin' camera.
Where the fuck is the film?
Where's the fuckin' tape?
There is no tape.
Don't bullshit me, son.
No. It's a flashcard. It's digital.
It's called technology.
It's off, right?
Yes. Yes. Oh, my nose!
Then don't bullshit me. Where the fuck is Dax?
In the garbage bag.
I said no bullshit. Where is he?
He's at Jordan.
Come on.
You deleted that shit
from a couple of nights ago, right?
Right? Yes. Yes.
And if somebody ask what you see?
Shit, that's what you've seen, yeah?
I'll fuck you all big in the tight little A-hole.
8 inches of black thunder, you feel me.
Yeah, you will.
Oh, fuck.
This shit is...
how do you turn this shit off?
What the fuck are you crying for?
I didn't even punk you yet.
What the fuck did you do to my boy?
That's where you fucks done him?
Ow!
Yeah, I think you're still bull shitting me.
I wish I were...
No, you're gonna prove you're bull shitting me.
Come on.
I said come on.
Pussy ass fuck.
Save those tears for me
and Dax and we both double team your ass, sideways.
Motherfucker trying to bullshit, bull shitter.
Just in case though, get some video of this shit.
Evidence for the police.
Damn, never thought a black man need to say something like that.
How do you turn this shit on?
Ah, shit.
Motherfucker.
D, open up.
D!
Who the fuck home?
By the way, you seeing it yourself,
ain't no breaking in.
The door was open. I'm just saying.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
What the fuck...
D!
Oh, shit.
You almost killed me, bitch.
D!
What a fool.
Connor. Connor. Connor.
Guess who's who?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
'Cause guess what time it is?
It's Connor time.
Yes, it is. Step on up.
Go.
Go!
I'm sorry, Jordan. I didn't factor in the consequences.
Yeah, further.
Further.
Further. Further. Further.
And perfect. Stop right there.
Can you guess what I'm gonna do next?
No.
Prove you wrong.
You said I was too stupid and too weak,
but, look, look, here's your bully.
All wrapped up.
And here's the guy who was gonna fuck up
both of our futures by ratting us out to the police.
You believe that?
I have proof. You want to see?
No.
No one is going to fuck up my future with Eve
and more importantly your future of 13.
Star Trek conventions in a row.
You know why?
Pick it up.
Pick it up!
Now hug it like a puppy.
No.
Connor!
Because you own this as much as I do.
Don't you forget that if the authorities see this
and you pointing and clicking this at old Dax
then this isn't going to look like an accident.
It's going to look like someone intentionally loaded the gun
and shot Dax dead on purpose.
But don't you worry, best friend,
because over my dead body will I let that happen to you.
Is it recording?
Uh, yeah.
Whoever sees this, he's a psycho.
This was supposed to be just an innocent prank
and Jordan has gone psycho.
What are you doing with that?
Okay.
All right, found a good shot.
Bon voyage, Daxy.
See you on the other side not.
Jordan, um, pray tell,
what inspired you to load the gun?
I told you so.
Excuse me?
I told you so. Come on, say it.
Told you so?
Yup. You're right.
He was fucking her. Not anymore though, right?
Yew, gross.
...on purpose.
I called them already. Why won't you believe me?
Ahh.
Trouble sleeping?
Trouble waking up in this nightmare.
I think for me it's not a wet dream.
Hello.
Who is this?
Henrietta Chunk Torres, is that you?
Early bird getting the worm.
Okay, shut up. Listen.
I've got something really awful to tell you.
You got punk'd.
Yeah, yeah, Connor got you good.
Yeah, well, you almost had me believing Dax was dead.
And I'm...
Don't believe him, he's lying.
Yeah, yeah, he's a devious one indeed.
Well, listen I'm telling you this because I'm your pal
and I don't want you losing any more
sleep over this nonsense.
Yeah, fuck him.
All right.
Good night, Chunk.
I can't believe it either.
I do have it in a Klingon.
Get some rest.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Sweet dreams, idiot.
A touching tribute to a pitcher and a catcher.
Someone used to understand what a joke was.
Who in their right mind
is gonna believe he just disappeared?
Lots of kids disappear from the mall all the time.
Five-year-olds.
Dax and Omar are grown men.
Were.
And I don't think I like your tone.
Sounds to me like someone's hearing footsteps,
seeing ghosts, hearing Dax
calling out to him in the middle of the night.
Does someone have a guilty conscience?
Not me.
Why would I?
So you're saying the voices were real.
I'm saying I didn't do anything wrong.
You mean we didn't so anything wrong, right?
Come on.
Gave you what you wanted.
Emotional compensation, right?
So lighten up.
Smile.
Put on a happy face. We bested Dax Gaiman.
Come on.
Hi, Eve.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Oh, sorry.
What are we doing here?
Uh, what's it look like?
Celebrating.
So you want nutty coconut or rocky road?
What're you doing?
Showing the world
what a beautiful couple looks like.
We're exclusive now.
Goof.
Stop. You started it.
No, you did. Uh-uh, you did.
I have proof.
Why is he here?
Connor is still here
because he wants to apologize for all the evil,
nasty things he's ever said about you.
But first, he wants to tell us
how happy he is to see us like this.
Okay.
Anytime.
Whatever you want, just promise no more bags...
See? He's doing it again. No more bodies...
What?
Acting like he's the smartest man in the room.
Eve, as one human being to another,
if you want to continue being, leave now.
That doesn't sound like an apology.
Apologies won't solve what's been done.
Shut up and say you're sorry, idiot.
Something really wrong happened. Connor...
The blood you saw on my face...
Shut up! Wasn't mine.
What is he talking about?
Jordan killed Dax and Omar.
Oh, my God, stop fucking lying!
You fucking stop.
Something humorous?
Come on.
You almost had me,
but I saw Dax and Omar earlier today.
See? You saw their cars.
Their frickin' cars.
Come on, you got to see this game
I just got, it's really cool.
I warned you.
You're so good at that, sounding so righteous.
Yup.
Drawers on the nightstand.
Don't keep me waiting.
Give me the gun.
What the hell are you...
Okay, you're gonna give her the wrong impression, all right?
Where is it?
What? Stop.
Stop toying with me. The gun.
What gun?
Argh.
You needed to ask...
Don't fuck with me.
I'm not fucking with anyone.
I saw you kill him. I saw you kill Omar.
Did you?
I saw the aftermath.
Are you sure that what you saw is what you saw?
Maybe you should check.
You erased it?
You can't keep me quiet.
Go ahead, call the cops.
I did.
Somebody warned them I would call.
Said I was gonna try and pull a prank.
Paranoia.
Delusions.
Hearing things, seeing things.
Why... why don't you just go home
and forget any of this ever happened?
You know, move on.
Live long and prosper, Connor.
No.
I'm sane.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not going crazy.
There were bags.
There were bodies.
There were bags.
Eve?
Eve!
All your fault. All your fault.
Jordan, no.
Jordan, stop, please.
What are you doing?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh.
All your fault.
Praise be to the God of our Lord Jesus Christ.
His great mercy...
All your fault.
All your fault, Connor.
Please, please, please.
I'm sorry. Please.
Are you now? Really?
Lesson number one at the school of hard knocks,
don't bullshit no bull shitters.
What'd you call it? Deception?
Motherfucker, you really thought we were homos?
Thinking after all these fucking years.
Go ahead, mother fucker, huh?
Go ahead, huh?
What's the matter, you bitch?
You can't fuckin' sucker punch
somebody when they're tied to a chair?
Nine years of your fucking bullshit and look.
Look at me, motherfucker, look at me!
I'm still here!
You know why we won't bitch?
'Cause I'm a fucking white knight.
And you're the fucking evil.
It's a night where evil's been destroyed,
you little pussy.
Lesson number two.
Theatricals.
You see, dead cow parts ain't dead people parts.
And blanks ain't real bullets, you dumb fuck.
The most important lesson, don't you forget,
you mess with Eve and she's gonna plant
some mayhem on your ass.
Damn straight.
Guys, come on.
I'm getting way too much credit here.
This is a no-brainer.
A win-win for everybody.
We finally stop shit-face's sexist,
homophobic, psychotic crusade against us
and the audience gets to see one of the coolest,
most epic pranks ever put on the internet,
and we all get to reap the ad money.
Told you you'd pay, sweetie.
And, oh, yeah, bonus.
Shit-face finally learned his lesson
from the only person who could turn his own prank against him.
Oh, crap, crap,
I'm such a pussy, I'm gonna cry.
You were fucking right, homeboy.
What you laughing for?
You the ass in this joke.
Oh, he's just getting a head start
after everybody else sees
the further adventures of fucking shit face.
Or he finally learned,
what do they say in Star Wars?
Resistance is futile?
Don't forget it, sweetie.
All right.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Who's up for some Chili's? It's on me.
Am I hearing things?
Did they treat you?
Make yourself presentable, girl.
That's some supernatural shit.
- Hey, chill, man. - Wait, hey, wait.
Just before that you said that we would
clean up together, I mean, you can like,
totally upload the video here.
I wish we could but I need to go home and change.
I'm like all icky.
Thanks though. You're a cool friend.
No, you're not leaving here.
Come on, man. Prank is over.
Shut the fuck out. Fuck you. She's...
Jordan, what's your problem, huh?
How do you turn this fucking thing off?
Don't look at me.
Hey, did you get those
tickets I left you in the locker?
Gesture's appreciated,
'course I won't be able to attend.
Well, what about breaking John Meringer's record?
Hey, slow down, will you?
Can't, I have a plethora of
college applications to complete.
AP exams to study for.
All right, but I'm sorry.
You hear me?
I'm sorry, Connor.
You're completely right.
I was a rube.
Couldn't see right from wrong,
friends from enemies, now I can.
Thank you.
I'm still your friend.
Do you want me to prove it to you?
Prove you have some decency and leave me the fuck alone.
Execution.
Every prank must be executed to the very end.
The very end.
Right, Connor?
Guys, you made it.
So good of you to come.
Chunk, great to see you.
What're you doing?
Come on in.
You guys want anything?
My dad's on quote unquote business again,
so beers all around.
It's been 2 months, Jordan.
I know. I know, way too long.
Since the prank.
Yeah, man.
Why are you still wearing that?
Okay, this is kind of embarrassing.
I had to wait until my dad was out of town
and I needed time to reconfigure,
you know...
God, guys, has it really been that long?
Let me show you.
Here you go, talented camera-woman
and the smartest guy in the room, huh?
Let's go.
Okay.
Don't laugh, all right?
Chunk.
Dang.
I know, I know. I messed up.
Here. Watch.
See?
I'm not an idea guy.
I'm not a genius like you, Connor.
I told you he was emotional.
This is another prank.
I know.
Us, right?
Or them?
Neither.
Well, what is this?
This is rape, rape, rape!
Remember Barnes?
These two are mutually exclusive now.
Did you know that?
That's why they're here, to celebrate.
And here they are after
I offered them both a huge gift.
Not like she kept the last one.
Not like she didn't pawn it off
at Chunk's aunt's pawn shop or anything.
Right, sweetie? Huh?
You told him?
Not me, man.
I knew it was bad news.
Not this bad.
Do you have something then?
'Cause they're the gift.
For you, Connor.
Emotional compensation, right?
We're done with this childish buffoonery.
Let's go.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
One.
Dang.
Oh, my God.
Chunk, frame it up.
Frame it up.
Chunk.
Connor?
Banish the evil from among them.
The rest of the people will hear about this
and be afraid and never again...
Oh!
Connor, don't!
This is not what you wanted, right?
This isn't our fault, right?
We're innocent, right?
Right?
Focused?
This is not a confession.
This isn't, he said she's dead.
This is the truth.
We're not murderers.
We're not monsters.