You ever spend a week driving cross-country in an '82 Jeep with bald tires,
bad shocks... and worst of all, no air-conditioning.
Ordinarily that would suck! Especially during a heat wave.
But when you're with someone like Julia.
Oh, sorry honey.
Those things don't matter. Even if your butt-cheeks are stuck to the seat.
Anyway, 4 years ago we arrived in L.A. With a U-Haul full of stuff and
my head full of plans.
First... Live together, in harmoniously, mutually fulfilling bliss.
Second... Become admired and revered in the high-powered world of entertainment law.
Third. Make a ton of money.
It all seemed perfectly do-able.
Hey, slow down!
What's that sound?
Well that's convenient, if we're in a rush, freeway's right there.
Look Terri said it was the best she could find on such short notice.
Well it is a month to month.
Close your eyes.
Go ahead.
Sounds like a waterfall at sunset.
Or whales, humping.
What do you say we christen this place properly.
How about the kitchen counter?
- Cat got your tongue? - Well I hope not for your sake.
Not that I want to stop right now.
But I'd thought you'd like to know how we wound up here at Chez Flamingo.
We met while I was finishing law school, and she was graduating college.
Man, I remember that dress. Pink flowers...
I wish I was a bumblebee right now.
Okay, I'll talk to you Sunday. Say goodbye to mom for me.
Oh yeah, take a picture pal!
The short guy is my rommate, Danny. Believe it or not, he's now a CEO.
Excuse me...
Sorry.
Wow, it looks like you really worked on that.
Didn't stop you from moving it.
How much you want for the fridge?
Don't even think about it, she's been going out with Trey Reynolds for like, a year.
I don't know. She was smiling at me.
- Believe me, she was in my marketing class last year. - Really?
Come on, she wouldn't even know who I am. Let me tell you something...
...the only shot you have of getting that girl,
is if she were to hit her head, wake up, and think you were her boyfriend.
Man, she's still not home.
This girl's hard to find. I circled the quad 3 times today, trying to bump into her.
Why don't you circle the library, she's there now.
Native to the dwindling rain forests...
...of Southeast Asia, Gibbons are considered to be among the worlds greatest acrobats.
What do you think? Obsession, or Contradiction?
What are you, sixteen?
Yeah this from a guy who eats Captain Crunch Berries 4 times a day. Contradiction.
They have the ability to swing from tree to tree,
50 feet apart with speeds up to 35 miles per hour.
Don't you have a final?
Hey...
You're the one selling the refrigerator.
Oh yeah, the sign poacher.
- I'm Drew. - Hi Drew.
- Marketing Major, right? - Communications.
That was my second guess.
I was just going to go take a little break.
You want a coffee or muffin?
I really need to finish this.
How about having dinner with me Thursday night?
You just fly right in there, don't ya'?
Look, I have a boyfriend.
Tell him to bring someone, we can double.
And the Whippoorwill tends to her young.
- How'd it go? - It didn't.
Should have used the Obsession.
I don't want to say I told you so.
Okay, fuck... I do want to say I told you so. I told you so!
- Yeah, hi, I'd like to order something to go. - What are you getting?
Nothing for you. I'm going back.
You like that punishment don't you?
I left Danny with his monkey and forged ahead.
I figured out of all the signs posted on that bulletin board...
...there had to be a reason why I covered up hers.
Hey, maybe our signs were a sign?
I was sitting in my room... ...and I hear this voice whisper...
Picnic.
So then I'm thinking, well if I can't get her to come to dinner with me...
...then I'm just going to have to bring dinner to her.
- I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have food... - Oh I'm positive we're not allowed.
Well I hope you brought enough for everybody.
Let's start over.
I'm Drew.
Julia.
- And you? - My sister Terri works for this law firm in L.A.
She got me this job there while I study for the Bar.
- When do you start? - 2 weeks after graduation.
How come in tennis, "love" means nothing.
Why are the first 2 points worth 15 and the third point is only worth 10?
I should get back.
Okay.
So what do you say we do this again Thursday night?
- You are very persistent. - I just know what I want.
- Pick you up at 7? - I really can't.
7:30?
Look, you seem really nice.
And I'm truly flattered.
Look, Julia. I'm not looking to complicate your life. I just hate to eat alone.
- Nothing's going to come of it. - Okay.
Moisture and consistency are the key to the toppings.
See, you can get away with walnuts and cookie dough because they balance each other out.
- You spend a lot of time thinking about this, do you? - A fair amount.
- So, what's the worst combo. - Ohh, hot fudge and a fruit sauce.
See there's no crunch in there and you've got two sauces.
- I like hot fudge and fruit sauce. - You're right, nothing is going to come of this.
Okay, one vanilla with walnut and cookie dough... And one with Heath Crunchand Oreo.
- You guys need lids? - I don't even need a spoon.
You don't usually show someone your impression
of the Roadrunner on the first date.
But for some reason, with Julia,
I felt I could expose myself and she would still respect me in the morning.
In fact she liked it so much we did it twice.
Wallet.
Keys.
Thanks.
Yeah, thanks for tonight. I had a good time.
Me too.
Night...
Did you see that smile? Let's go back.
I could look at this over and over again. I mean, how cute is she?
I remember thinking, she's so great! Life is great!
That tree is great! These pants are great! The moon is...
You know, I'm not thrilled about living with my parents.
But it's just until I get settled.
It'll probably be a year at most. I mean...
...I'd rather live in Tribeca, but Fifth Avenue's, alright...
I mean, at least I have the whole bottom floor to myself.
What is wrong with you?
- I'm sorry, Trey. I... - This is an Armani!
Can we have some club soda, please?
- That was balsamic vinaigrette, Julia. - I'm sorry.
Julia?
Drew, Hi.
What are you doing here?
Umm... I just had dinner.
I'm Danny by the way.
Julia. You were in my marketing class, last year.
Yes I was.
' Slot to go.
I can see.
- You guys need a ride? - No... -Okay.
So how are things going with you two?
Hi.
Hey. How'd you know I was here?
- Look, I'm sorry about last night. - You told me you were seeing him.
I was seeing him.
- Was? - Well,
I'm going back to Chicago next month.
What about Platter?
Trey is going to be an investment banker in New York.
It was bound to end sooner or later.
I'm going to miss you.
- Me too. - I wish you were coming with me.
Well I'm going to visit you during Christmas.
I don't want you to come visit.
Come with me.
- What are you talking about? - Move... to L.A. with me.
- I move into my apartment, Saturday. - I know.
- I start work in a week, Drew. - I know.
- We've only known each other for 2 months. - Yeah, and 3 days, look I know...
...all the reasons to say no, but I've never felt this with anyone.
Ahh... I mean my parents would kill me.
Drew, do you have any idea how hard it is to get a job at Leo Burnett?
Jules', there's tons of ad agencies in L.A.
I'm sure we'll be able to find you something just as good out there.
Maybe even better!
This is crazy!
I will do, everything I can to make you happy.
I love you.
Come with me.
Well now you're up to speed. And just like that... we were in L.A.
Emotionally, intellectually... sexually. We were firing on all cylinders.
Except for the occasional speedbump.
- Are you sure it slipped off? - Trust me, it fell off.
- What? - I think I know where it is.
Well, get it out!
- Okay, this is embarassing. - I don't know, it's kinda fun.
Yeah well how about moving it along. You're not touring the Great Barrier Reef.
The Thomas Guide is quite old. If you're looking for a street...
...it tells you what page it's on and where to find it.
- God dang it! - What?
I forgot to take my Ginkgo Biloba.
You ever meet someone who lived in L.A. just a little too long?
Anyway, the pages always fall out, so whatever you do,
you don't want to lose page 632.
Everything major's on 632.
Oh, that's my car buddy for driving alone. Especially at night. But lookie here...
- In there, the gift basket is your housewarming present. - Thanks.
So it's right there, you never know.
- Did you notice the man in the leather jacket by the ceral? - No.
My God... I think he's following us. The red Corvette.
- Are you sure, I don't think so. - Well we'll just have to find out, won't we?
Alright leather man! You wanna play!
We'll play! Hang on! Hang on!
- Oh Jesus! It's him! - Oh my God!
Open the door, come on! Come on! Hurry! Hurry!
Go! Go! Go!
- Close the door! - Hey! Can you hold it...
Back off A-hole!
What the Hell is wrong with you... I'm Lenny Steinberg! I live here!
- I'll get you a new one. - There's no rush.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Hi! I'm Elyse Steinberg. You must be Drew and Terri.
- What a cutie pie! How old? - He's 8 months.
Oh come in. Come in.
- I'm so sorry about your husband. - Oh please. He's fine.
Hey... Oh look, mangos! We love mangos.
Look honey they brought us a fruit basket.
Lenny loves fruit. He loves all kind of food actually. Don't you Lenny.
Don't, you're mining it.
Don't play with the fruit, put it back in there.
My first day working for Louis Carbonelli.
One of thee most powerful entertainment lawyers in Hollywood.
You see the names on the wall in stainless steel.
Drew Curtis was going up there next.
- Hi, I'm Drew. - Katute.
- Gazunhidt. - Oh that's original.
Louis is expecting you.
I need to see the net-profit definition.
You sold it, don't buy it back!
The lace of money is the root of all evil.
Also, I want a clause guaranteeing there'll be no other contingent compensation...
...without our prior approval.
Good.
I used to be able to "walk the dog" when I was a kid. Now I suck.
You want the fudge swirl or the peanut butter?
- Excuse me? - Cookies!
My niece belongs to some girls club.
- I don't know how I got stuckselling these fucking cookies. - Oh yeah, sure.
- Fudge swirls. I'll take a box. - Right.
Shit I'm out of the fudgies. Katute! More swirls!
- Peanut butter's fine. - You sure?
Great. 86 the swirls!
You can pay Katute on the way out.
Louis, Marty Gomez on 2.
Ahh... C.B.!
What do you call that microscopic shit at the bottom of the pond?
Pond scum?
No, no, no... That's at the top.
I don't know.
Well, it's some sort of shit.
And until you pass the Bar... ...that shit is you! You're here...
...because of one reason and one reason only.
Your sister. She's a lunatic. But, she's brilliant and...
...I love her.
And because I love her...
I'm willing to give you the benefit of my wisdom.
Okay? Here it is.
Plant.
Tend.
Reap.
Understand what I'm saying?
No, I understand.
I'd love to show you my book. Copy writing, media planning.
In 6 months?
Enthusiastic, hardworking...
I'll hold.
Thank you anyway.
Hey sexy-
- They beating you up? - They'd need an army.
Come on, I have got a treat for you.
Why is it you whisper sweet nothings in an ear... shouldn't it be sweet some things?
How come you bake cookies, but you cook bacon.
- You guys need lids? - We don't even need spoons.
Hey, now you got cookie dough and walnut in mine.
You got to try this.
- What? - I'm really glad you came out to L.A. with me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Me too.
- Where was I? - Abdominal...
Abdominal crunch machine. The Flybex 5250, you know...
...it's the one where you lift your arms... it works the trapezius muscles. That hurts.
Also she needs the arm curl and triceps extension.
And her personal trainer, Hymie, spelled...
...Jaimie...
...on the set everyday between 10 and 3.
Don't fuck with me Lori, or I'll make you pick up Hymie in a limo.
Moving on to the megastar... She needs the Denon CD player. The Sony 30 inch TV.
And... the Sony DVD deck.
Thank you. Bye.
At least I have 2 interviews lined up for next week.
Well use the credit cardif you need it, Hon'.
Thanks. Don't worry Dad, I'll be fine.
Dante, get away from there!
Come here. Come here. What are you doing in here...
Dad, can I call you tomorrow?
I love you too.
Thanks babe, that's so sweet.
Yeah, but yours moves.
- I know, isn't he adorable? - Babe, when did we agree to get a dog?
Well there was this adopt a pet thing, on Laurel Canyon...
And he was just staring at me.
That's what they do...
- Dante? - Yup. The Divine Canine.
- How about Dylan? - I thought we were going to save that name for one of our kids?
Oh yeah. Oscar?
- Oscar, come here! - Dante, stay!
- Oscar come here! Oscar... -Dante, stay...
- Alright, that's it! Scissor time! - No!
- Say uncle! - No! I'm gonna pee!
- Tell me I'm the best looking guy you've ever seen! - Don't push it!
- Come on! - Okay... Uncle!
And?
And... You're the best looking guy I've ever seen!
- That's right baby! - God!
- Why don't you go and put the little frisbee in? - Oh, I hate that thing...
- Maybe I should go back on the pill. - I thought you didn't like it?
You know...
Maybe they should come out with something like detachable balls.
Put them on when you want them, take them off when you don't.
Great, 2 more things of yours I'd have to carry around in my purse.
Oh yeah, 2 months in L.A., and still going strong.
We're laughing, we're having fun, we're about to have sex, in front of our new dog.
Julia was making friends and Terri hadn't pepper sprayed any of them.
But I guess I didn't realize...
...or maybe I just didn't notice, how much Julia was struggling to find herself here.
So what do you think?
- I think it's just beautiful. - I know, I love it. It even has a white picket fence.
...I never saw myself as Suzy Homemaker, with a white picket fence.
That'll have to come down.
Oh, I almost forgot to ask you. What's the latest with your job search?
Oh it's kinda tough, I think I'm going to have to look for something in the meantime.
Really? Like what?
- I don't know, just something to help pay the bills. - You know what?
Lenny knows a guy who has a special effects company...
I'll see, maybe he needs somebody.
- Oh, okay, that's alright. - No, it's no problem at all. I'll just call him.
- Your wife's on line 2. - I'm swamped, tell her I'll call her in an hour.
Elyse, can he call you in an hour?
Unhuh. Unhuh. Sure.
She said, pick up the phone you fat fuck!
- Why are you botherin' me at work? - Julia needs a job. Can you call Gary?
- Look, I'm busy. - Oh bullshit, you're busy...
I bet you're sitting there eating a Bavarian creme!
Just do it, I'll give you a blowjob later.
Oh yeah? Alright!
He's calling him now.
I need you to bring these contracts to Monty Brandt.
- The actor? - Wait for a signature.
Three, four...
Pssh... Can I borrow your car?
I've got to drop these papers off at Monty Brandt's house.
- Louis must like me, huh? - Sure, he's probably trying to save a messengers fee.
- Here, I'll get a lift from Sharon. - You're the best,
- pick you up in the morning. A nonfat latte... - And an almond croissant. - Done.
Someone's at your fucking gate!
Hi ahh... I work for Louis Carbonelli.
He asked me to deliver some documents to Monty Brandt.
Do you mean Monty Brandt the lying cheating asshole?
- Celeste! Leave the intercom... - Get the hell away from me!
Bitch-ass slut!
- Hi. - Fuck off!
Hey Celeste!
You forgot your keys.
Eat shit!
And I want my God damn leather pants back!
- What? - I ahh... Sorry to bother you,
but I was told to get your signature on these papers and
return them to Mister Carboneh...
Come on in.
I couldn't believe I was standing in Monty Brandt's house.
The place was like a palace.
And all I could think was... ...man I can see his pubes!
What the hell happened to my tits?
Oh my God, look at them! They've totally lost their shape!
This whole breast-feeding thing's a sham! I gained 20 pounds and I lost my tits!
You know what, I wish Lenny and I could diet together... but he would never do it.
He loves his food too much.
He's not that heavy.
Please, it's the loose clothes I buy him.
Most people eat until they're full... ...Lenny eats until his arms get tired.
Anyway, it's not like I banged the chick. I mean, we used to... I bumped into her
- the other day, she gave me her number to, you know... catch up. - Right.
And I didn't want to tell Celeste because then you get into the whole thing...
...how I used to date this chick. I haven't seen her in over a year.
- And then, you know, come the questions. - The questions.
- Are you still attracted to her? - What do you need to befriends with her for?
Umm... Don't I give you everything you want?
Blah, blah... Hey don't touch, it's fucking art, man!
Anyway, women are such a pain in the ass, you know?
Anyway, she finds the number in my pocket.
Yeah... I probably should have leveled with her, but...
I told her it was my masseuse.
- Sometimes it's just easier to just bullshit than explain. - Exactly!
Sometimes it's easier to bullshit than explain. I like that.
- That's good. - So what happened?
- What? - You know, with Celeste.
- Oh, she called to get a massage. - Ouch.
Hey look Jules', I'm going to be a little late for dinner.
- Where are you'? - I'm at Monty Brandt's house!
Monty Brandt'? Really?
- I'll be leaving in a couple of minutes. - Well guess what happened today?
- I got a job! - I can't hear you, I'll see you in a little bit. I got to go.
- Did you read those contracts you brought over? - No.
For the sequel to Hamlet?
They're making a sequel to Hamlet?
- Yeah, Hamlet 2. Can you believe it? - Doesn't everyone die in that movie?
And you have any idea what they're paying me?
8 million. I would have done it for 5.
I would have done it for 2.
Right. You play the market?
I dabble.
Everyone I know is down like 2 percent... I'm down 9.
I think my guy's an idiot. Either that, or he's ripping me off.
Maybe you need a new guy?
Exactly.
- What do you know about shopping centers? - I know you need a lot of parking.
Listen, I got this stock offering booklet of some kind.
- A prospectus? . Right.
Why don't you take it home and look it over, and tell me what you think?
Sure.
Cool. I'm going to take a shit.
Hi...
I'm so sorry.
No, I'm sorry Pumpkin.
No, I should have trusted you scrumptious.
No, I should have understood your...
I should've understood.
Yeah.
- I'm Drew. - Aubrey.
I recognize you from the catalog.
Aubrey... Cool name.
Thanks, want to shoot some pool?
I guess I can shoot a game.
Sorry honey.
I had a few drinks and I just wanted to make sure I could drive.
The last thing you said to me was, I am just about to leave.
I was worried sick, I even called Terri.
Look, I'm really sorry. I was just trying to make a good impression on a client.
God...
- By the way, I got a job today. - Jules' that's great... why didn't you tell me?
Okay, not one of my better moments.
And I wasn't unfaithful... if that's what you're thinking? But looking back...
...I guess I thought knowing Monty Brandt was going to change my life.
Audio bay, post-sound. Graphics...
You've already met Starr.
I don't know who that guy is.
CGI. Computer Generated Imaging.
- Rex is one of our Inferno Artists. - Hi, I'm Julia.
He cleans up sloppy looking images, or adds elements that were never filmed.
See, here he's placing some clouds and lighting in a skyscraper shot.
- Wow, that looks so real. - For 600 bucks an hour, it better.
So we have no idea what we're going to do
with a 5 and a 7 year old for the whole weekend.
Oh my God the 405 was a nightmare,
I had to get off a Mulholland...
...and then the Skirball center was backed up because of some exhibition.
And just my luck...
Sepulveda is jammed because of some freakin' construction at the dry cleaners...
...and then I get stuck at the red light on Ventura!
God I hate that light! What did I miss?
We were just talking about our day at Universal with Lenny's nephews.
- Oh, was it fun? -Yeah... Yeah but that place can be terrifying for a little kid.
I mean, it's sheer Hell on them.
Hey guys, we're just going to cruise over this little bridge... It's collapsing!
- The kids are screaming! - Oh I'm glad that's over...
Let's just mosey on past this giant shark!
One of them spent the entire tram ride with his head buried in my chest...
- I think he hit my boob. - That was me. -That was you?
I was trying to get a little.
I think I'm going to take my parents there when they come out in a couple of weeks.
- When? - The 28th.
- That's during the Bar exam. - I know. They're stopping here on their way to Tahiti.
- Oh, Tahiti. - They're celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary,
in the same villa they spent their honeymoon in.
Oh that's so romantic. Guys today suck.
Honey, where are you going to take me on our 25th wedding anniversary?
Italy. How about Rome? Would you take me to Roma?
Tony Roma.
Terri looked good tonight. Don't you think?
Yeah.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
You seem kind of distant.
- How's the job? - It's okay.
- That's not very enthusiastic. - Why are you interested all of a sudden?
Come on, I'm always interested.
It's just a job, Drew. It's not like I'm going to work there forever?
Well maybe we can start sending out your resumes again?
That's not what I'm talking about. I enjoy working there...
- ...but there are other things I want to do. - Like what?
Well... Eventually I'd like to get married and have kids.
I said eventually, you don't have to panic.
We had talked about naming our kids.
I just thought that was somewhere off in the future.
And as much as I hate to admit it, all I kept thinking was...
Drew... you will never, ever sleep with another woman again. Ever!
Didn't I tell you not to speak to anyone without talking to me first!
- I didn't sign anything. - I don't care.
- A verbal agreement can be as equally as binding! - Well then put it in writing!
Louis, you know my work. I'm not picky.
But this script, this rewrite, it sucks!
Okay fine, we'll just say there was never a meeting of the minds, therefore...
...no valid contract.
Excuse me... Can I ask a question.
Chances are we're going to facing some expensive litigation here.
Now in order to avoid that, if we could get you script approval...
...would you reconsider doing the film?
Well I suppose that would get us all to lunch a little sooner.
- Who the fuck is that guy! - Three... Four...
I think you scared the shit out of him. Good thing he's wearing a dark suit.
- You lost a few points there sparky. - Am I fired?
Not yet.
It's plant,
tend, reap.
Not demolish, hammer, paint.
Otherwise...
...you'd have all these little baby shopping centers on every comer and no gas stations.
See, sooner or later, someone's gonna need gas instead of amanicure.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
- Remember, if you build it, they will come? - Yeah.
Extreme fucking football... if they don't want it, they ain't coming.
If French Stewart wants your advice, he'll ask for it. And that, you've got to earn it.
- Through planting and tending. - Whatever.
Hey!
- Thanks for picking me up. - Well hopefully we won't have to do this much longer.
- I wish I'd never sold my Honda. - Sorry, my mistake.
- Well anyway, Lenny knows a guy who owns a car dealership. - That's great,
Can we stop for something. I haven't has a chance to eat all day.
You should tell Louis, you need to work less hours and study more. He'd understand.
I don't want him to think I can't handle it. He'll think I'm some kind of a pussy.
- Do you have to use that word? - Pussy?
- Yes. It's crass. - I'm not...
Welcome to Rubin's Red Hot, can I take your order please.
- Do you want anything? - No.
Chilli willy dog, and a large fries, thanks!
I wasn't using it like that, I'm using it like wimp.
As in pussy, as in pussycat. Same, like a pussycat.
It's a crude term for a woman's vagina.
- Alright, ice cold beverage with that? - Large orange'.!
I'm not saying Louis is going to think I'm a vagina!
What are you talking about? Words have different meanings...
...and in this instance, the word "pussy" is derived from pussy, comma, cat.
Look the point is, it doesn't refer to a cat. That's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is that you...
If someone says they're "blue," do they mean they're the color blue?
All I'm saying is that it's low-class to use that word.
So you're saying that I'm low-class?
I'm not saying you are, I'm saying the word is.
Although you may be perceived to be low-class if you use it.
Anyway, we're talking about you not studying for the Bar.
Why are you riding me about how I use my time?
I wish you'd just trust my judgement.
I'm only saying it because I care.
I know what I'm doing.
They're getting comparable market rents...
...and all the anchor tenants have solid credit.
- So that's a good thing, right? - I think so.
I mean certainly long term real estate is about as consistent and safe as you can get.
- Excuse me Mister Brandt? - Yes Tanya?
- The car dealer called, your Ferrari's ready. - Shit! Can I use your phone?
You were supposed to be here, 45 minutes ago.
Well Lenny's guy said he's leaving at 6:30.
I'm so sorry, Honey. I'll never get to you and back over the hill by 6:30.
Can't you just get a lift there and I'll meet you before he leaves.
Julia?
Hey sometimes it's easier to bullshit than explain, man.
Which reminds me,
if Celeste ever asks you, we were at the Oasis and then Jerry's Deli.
- When? - Whenever.
Alright.
Thank you.
You Okay?
- Yeah. - What are you looking for? - A taxi service.
- Where you headed? - Van Nuys, I have to look at a car.
Come on, I'm going to Sherman Oaks.
- Are you sure? - Positive. I live there.
You see, it's super clean!
Now I paid, $6800 for it.
But because of Lenny, I'll let you have it for...
- ...$7300. - Thanks, that's nice of you.
Well, he knows somebody who's getting me a hair system at cost.
Lenny's the bomb!
Sorry I'm late...
- I'll take it. - Whoa, wait.
- Sorry, can you give us a second? - Hey, no problem.
Don't forget you got to add tax and fees. How are you going to afford that?
Well first of all, Lenny's got us a break. And second of all, my Dad's paying for it...
...so don't worry about it. Okay.
- I'm going to study for a little bit. You want anything from the kitchen? - No, thanks.
Translation, I'm sorry honey, I love you.
I'm an idiot. What can I do to make it up to you?
You know they should teach a class for guys on how to better communicate with women.
Who am I kidding? We'd never go.
Are you the new Inferno artist?
Ahh... I'm sorry I thought you were at lunch.
That's okay, actually I just picked up a pizza.
Yeah.
- So how did you learn to log onto the machine. - Oh Gary showed me,
- I have no idea what I'm doing. - Would you like to learn?
- You mean, teach me to composite? - Why not?
Yeah, sure. I'd love to.
Come on Louis, Monty's comfortable with me.
He planted, I'll tend,
you'll reap.
Thanks you won't...
We're in Dante!
Monty Brandt please.
Yeah, Drew Curtis from Carbonelli, Weissmann and Bass.
Monty, hey how are you?
Anyway I just wanted to tell you... I just wanted to be the first...
Can I call you back Monty? Alright...
Dante!
Dante, come here boy!
Dante!
I'm sorry, I didn't see him.
He came out of nowhere. I'm sorry.
Okay, thanks Monty. Alright, I'll catch you tomorrow.
How is he?
He's got a sprained leg, but he's gonna be fine.
They said we can take him home in half-an-hour.
What happened?
If you think it's sometimes easier to bullshit than to explain. You're not alone.
But I told her the truth.
She was pretty cool actually.
If you don't mind... I'd like to hug her again. Can we rewind?
Thanks.
Okay, time to move on.
The California State Bar Exam.
3 years of Law School... squeezed into 3 days of grueling exams.
Everyone seemed to be writing more than I was.
The girl next to me wore her pencil down to a stub!
- Here you go. - Thank you sweetheart. What time do you get off?
- Yo' douchebag! - What the hell are you doing here!
Business baby! All expenses paid!
Yeah, well you know. Both our VP's got sick.
- You free for dinner? - I'm already late. Let's go.
Why didn't you call, asshole...
Gracias, Rosa.
You can wait until I'm not around, you know?
- Come on, I just looked. - You don't see me look at other guys when I'm with you.
So you guys aren't getting along so well, huh?
- It's that monogamy thing. Rearing it's ugly head again. - What monogamy thing?
- It's nothing... - Just a little theory of mine.
- Yeah, why don't you keep that to yourself, Danny. - No. Please, enlighten us.
Okay. Basically it boils down to this.
Monogamy just isn't natural. At least not for men.
See, men have this insatiable need for variety.
We basically have one goal in life.
And that is, to spray sperm. It's what we're here for. It's what we do best.
And, the more emotion we invest in one woman.
The less sperm we get to spray around. It's biological.
- That's absurd. - Is it?
Take the male Gibbon, an ape with relatively small testicles.
Now the Gibbon is considered to be highly monogamous.
The chimpanzee, on the other hand, Has huge cajones. And will...
...mount anything that moves.
Guess who man is closest to... ...on the evolutionary scale?
The slug.
The slug... That's good.
I understand your hostility. It's not easy being female...
See you have a finite number of eggs... And you have to find someone
who's willing to stick around and help you protect those eggs.
Of course, some women have the urge to hunt...
...like men, but in general, you have... ...an insatiable need for intimacy.
See we're both insatiable, just in different ways.
And when you think about it. That's really in the best interest of society.
Really?
You think that sexually transmitted diseases,
unwed mothers, expensive divorce proceedings...
...and paying child support for all that sperm spraying is in society's best interest?
All I'm saying is, if women were like men...
...then everybody would have sex all daylong and nothing would ever get accomplished.
By the same token... If men were nest-oriented,
incessantly desirous of intimacy... and had some inexplicable affinity for shoes...
...most honest women would say that men like that make them puke.
They'd probably wouldn't want to get laid at all. Mankind would perish.
I'm going to use the bathroom.
Excuse me.
He is such an ass!
- Come on, he's a good guy. - Please, anyone who makes you laugh is a good guy.
He could murder his whole family, he makes you laugh, he's a good guy. Whatever.
So what, you agree with him? You think all men want to sleep around?
I didn't say that. Look, you can't listen to Danny.
He thinks if you're schizophrenic you can use the carpool lane.
You didn't answer the question.
Jules', hey,
you're the only one for me.
Damn it! Man, my shoulder's killing me!
I know a great acupuncturist, fix you up like new.
You ever think about sleeping with other woman?
Sure. But I don't.
You don't wonder whether you're missing anything out there?
You mean like, some gorgeous woman who's gonna dig her nails into my back...
...and lick caramel flan off my balls?
- You know my Corvette? - Yeah.
I love that car. Every year they come out with a new one.
Sleeker design, bigger engine, faster.
There's always something new right around the comer.
Fidelity isn't a feeling,
Drew. It's a decision.
Okay. Now you see that little halo around the edge?
We need to shrink that mat.
- Okay, so I goto the keyer mode, right? - Right.
And I'll try erodeing it by a point.
Very good.
Drew, Louis wants to see you.
Alright, I'll be right there.
. You okay? - Fine.
Louis just told me. I'm sorry, Drew.
He knew before I did.
Well look, he said if you pass the next time he'd hire you back.
I can't wait 3 months. I need a job now.
I'll lend you the money while you're studying.
No, I don't want to take anymore money from you.
I feel bad enough as it is.
I don't, okay. Just think about it.
Okay.
Hi.
- Hi, I was just in the area. I was wondering if Monty was home. - Sugar!
Thanks. Come in.
- Want some breakfast? - No thanks. I just had lunch.
- Oh fuck, what time is it? - It's 2:15.
Oh Jesus...
- Want your robe, sexy? - Yes...
So ahh... What's up?
Well I wanted to tell you in person,
no big deal, but... I didn't pass the Bar, so I'm
temporarily not with the firm. At least not until the next exam.
But in the meantime, I can still work on that deal for you.
In fact, now I can devote even more time.
- Does Louis know you're here? - No.
Wow. You've got balls... I'll give you that.
But you must think I'm pretty stupid.
I've been doing this shit since I was 5 years old. I know the deal...
...and I wouldn't make a move without Louis.
You'd know that if you did your homework...
...then again, if you did your homework you might have passed that test.
And we wouldn't be standing here, insulting each other like this.
- Well, I can support us until you pass... - No.
It's okay, Gary's going to make me a CGI assistant,
- so I'll be getting a raise. - That's great.
That is great, Jules. It's just...
...that 6 months is a long time.
Yeah well, 3 years of law school was even longer.
Come on... ...you can't give up now.
I know, I'll always regret it.
- It's easy to talk when you have money. - What does that mean?
Means, I didn't have anyone to buy me a car or pay for my school...
What are you saying, Drew?
I can't relate to your problems, Because I come from a little money?
Well?
Screw you.
Argh... Why did I do that, what the hell was I thinking?
I hate saying this,
I guess sometimes you... Ahh fuck it.
He says he's just worried about his career,
but he makes me feel like I'm nagging him all the time.
Why do you stay?
- I love him. - That's no reason.
- What are you talking about? That's the most important reason of all. - Look,
love doesn't mean a thing if he treats you like shit. Take Lenny and me for example.
Not only do we love each other... ...but we respect each other.
And we laugh all the time.
Like the other day he was giving me his big ego speech...
"I run my own real estate company!" Blah! Blah! Blah...
And I said to him, Lenny, you couldn't run a stop sign.
He bursts out laughing, we end up shtooping our brains out right on the kitchen floor.
How is this relevant?
Because no guy worth anything respects a pushover.
You want to be treated right? First you have to believe you deserve it.
And then, you have to demand it.
I'm sure it's just a phase. He'll change.
Honey, if he changes, his underwear you're ahead of the game.
What's wrong?
Sometimes I really don't like who I am, when I'm with him.
You know, in college, Everything made sense.
Now it all seems so shaky.
Hey, it's scary out there.
I'm 2 weeks late.
Oh Julia... Did you tell Drew?
No.
Her married friends keep asking her if we're going to tie the knot.
Why do married people do that all the time?
Misery loves company.
Yeah well, lately she seems interested
in talking about is saving for a house and having kids.
She knows what she wants, you can't blame her.
Thank you, Lenny.
Desert's on the table.
Sorry...
Me thinks Uncle Drew is fucked. Yeah...
One who honors others, honors himself.
This is more like it.
You have a big dong.
- He must've gotten Lenny's. - Oh I don't think so.
Oh I didn't mean it, honey. I know you're hung like a Buffalo.
Oh please, you're always making snide little comments.
Love means having to say you're sorry. Constantly.
- I don't remember saying that. - Of course you don't remember.
You're a man, you develop amnesia when it's convenient!
- I was probably joking. - You were serious.
- Oh, like you remember whether I was serious or not. - I remember very well.
It was after you hung out at Monty Brandt's all night,
the first time we has dinner at Case Rosa's. You were wearing the white shirt
with the navy stripes and the khaki pants that I hate.
- You remember what I was wearing? - I remember everything, Drew.
See this is a little game women play. They know that guys don't remember things
so they just cite some insignificant little fact...
...like a navy striped shirt, which lends instant credibility...
You were wearing the white shirt with the navy stripes
and the khaki pants that I hate. But that's not the point.
I don't understand you, Julia. I make a few harmless little comments,
- why are you so sensitive? - I'm sensitive because you are always preoccupied...
- ...and you're always looking at other women! - And you're always complaining!
You have to twist everything around, so that it's my fault.
Maybe I want too much,
but I'm in love with you, Drew.
Look, whatever's wrong we can work it out.
Nothing's wrong, Julia! Just stop pressuring me!
You never want to talk!
You never make love anymore!
Are you not in love with me anymore?
Is that it?
Please Drew... ...no intellectual rhetoric,
no one-liners. Just talk to me.
Why do women have to talk everything out?
Why can't they be like guys, keep things inside and die of heart attacks?
We used to do it on the kitchen counter.
I wish things were like the beginning.
Well, that's when they want you so badly, they'll do anything.
Then once they get you, they put you on the maintenance plan.
- I'm glad you're my friend, Elyse. - Ohh, me too.
I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a friend to talk to.
Well there's always Drew's sister.
The wacka-doodle.
Why did you ask her to come out here with you?
I thought it would work.
I was crazy about her.
At least I thought I was.
But you're not now?
I want to be.
I want to feel like I can't be without her.
I know that sounds ridiculous.
What else is bothering you?
What makes you think something's bothering me?
19 years of listening to people on this table and a hunch.
You can tell me, you know.
It might help the pain in your shoulder go away.
Lately I... I feel...
I look at myself as a failure.
I thought I'd come out here, pass the Bar, make lots of money... maybe start a family.
I've always been able to pull it off... ...you know. Whatever I wanted...
Now I can't seem to make anything work.
How much longer?
It's done.
Well?
- It's negative. - Oh thank God.
What?
What's wrong?
It's just your reaction was so... So...
What?
Like you received a pardon from a death sentence!
You know, I think underneath it all you wanted to be pregnant.
That's bullshit. I just don't think it would be the end of the world like you do.
Maybe this is a blessing.
- Maybe this shows our heads are in different places right now. - Yeah,
mine's on my shoulders, and yours is up your ass!
I don't know why she stays with me.
What do you think she should do?
Probably leave me.
Sounds like a part of you wants her to.
Perhaps that way you don't have to be the bad guy.
Why is it we sometimes look for advice when we already know the answer.
Maybe it's because we want to be wrong.
Drew...
I've been thinking...
Maybe we shouldn't live together anymore.
I'm sorry, honey.
- Look this hurts me... - Shut up.
Why are you doing this?
I moved across the country to be with you.
I... I'm just not good for you right now.
I left a job!
I left my family, and my friends...
I'm living next to a freeway! You fucking selfish coward!
Get away from me!
Alright Sophie, give Daddy the remote.
Looks like mommy and me aren't doing the nasty tonight.
I'm going to miss this place.
See ya' buddy.
You should go.
I love you.
After living with Julia for a year I moved in with my sister:
I decided to dig in and study again for the Bar.
But I have to admit, I couldn't get her out of my mind.
- Hello? - Hey.
Hi.
How are you?
- Fine. - What are you doing?
- Reading. - What are you reading?
- What do you want, Drew? - I was just thinking about you.
- Just wondered how you are? - I'm great. Happy now?
I think it's better for me if we don't talk for awhile.
Well I don't want to not talk to you.
- Okay. If that's what you really want. - It is.
- You scared me. - Sorry.
- Oh, no thanks. - 12 essential vitamins... It's government inspected.
And it's really good shit.
You like to dance?
Drew, there's food in the fridge. See you Monday. Terri.
- Describe, negligence. - Conduct which falls below the standard, established by the law...
- ...for the protection of others, against unreasonable risks of harm. - Perfect.
Why is it, you bake cookies, but you cook bacon?
You know? Instead of baking bacon or cooking...
What?
- Here sweetie, the veggie-burgers for Rex. - Alright.
- What's in these things? - Who give's a shit? You're not gonna eat them.
- All of a sudden you're Julia fuckin' Child? - Hey, I'm just asking a question!
Turn that flame down a little bit, you want to give us all cancer?
I'll get right on that sweetie.
- Everything alright? - Great.
- Does Lenny need any help over there? - Whoa that's hot! - Nah, he's fine.
Hey, it's me.
It's been awhile... ...so I thought I'd give you a call...
...maybe we could get together, just have dinner or something.
Anyway, give me a call.
I miss you.
Hey, what time are we supposed to be at your parents?
Ahh, 8. What do you think?
Well... Yeah I know. I've been trying to knock it back for 20 minutes.
- Did you texture it? - Yeah, a little.
Maybe add some blur, X and Y.
Wow. Good one.
Julia, can I borrow you for a sec'?
These just came for you.
Merry Christmas I love you and I miss you. Drew.
- Here. - Are you sure? They're Godiva.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Yum-yums for me.
I was a lot more prepared for that second Bar exam.
Meanwhile Lenny gave me a job reviewing contracts at his Real Estate company.
He had no legal department, so I was it.
I honestly believed that once I passed the Bar.
Things would fall back into place, and Julia and I would get back together.
...the Bar exam...
Yes! Yes!
Somehow I thought this would be easier to put in a letter than to say in person.
I'm getting married.
I'm happy, and I truly believe this is what's right for me.
I wish you all the best, and I hope
you find whatever it is you're I coking for. Love, Julia.
- What are you doing here? - You can't marry this guy, Julia.
- I love you. - Drew...
Marry me...
- You don't mean that. - I do. See, look I'm already saying it.
I do.
Drew.
I'm in love with someone else.
You can't be, Jules'.
I am. I... I got to go.
You're going to meet someone else and forget all about me.
' Slot to go.
- She... - I heard, man. I heard...
Yup. No, I'm faxing you as we speak.
Okay, thank you.
Call Rosa, you got yourself a house.
- Thank you, Drew. We really appreciate how hard you've worked on this. - You're welcome.
And buena suerte con su nueva casa!
- You're getting there. - Yeah...
I'm taking Terri to Casa Rosa, I'll see you later.
- I thought you were sick? - I am.
I don't understand how you can eat when you're sick.
Feed a fever, feed a cold.
- Hey, can I help you? - Okay, here we go.
Vanilla yogurt, Heath crunch...
...Oreo, raw cookie dough and walnuts.
- That is so weird. - I know, but it's so good.
No, I mean... you're the second person in 5 minutes to order that combo.
This woman... She must've just left.
Skip my order, okay?
Julia?
Drew?
- God, how are you! - I'm fine!
- You look great. - Oh thanks. So do you.
What are you doing here, I thought you lived in Costa Mesa?
Oh, I moved back a couple of weeks ago.
I'm surprised Lenny didn't tell you.
Well we kind of made a pact not to discuss you anymore.
About 3 years ago.
So I guess he didn't tell you I got divorced.
That he told me.
How are you?
Work wise we had a lot in common. Otherwise... not so much.
But... he adored me.
And I needed that then.
I've always been with someone.
From High School until Rex and I split up, I've never really been single.
And now for the first time in my life, I'm on my own.
- And? - It's okay.
- I still read your horoscopes, you know. - Get outta here.
I do.
I hear you and Lenny are doing well with your Real Estate company.
Yeah.
Actually there's a condo that's become available...
...it's a little close to the freeway... But... - I know.
If you close your eyes, it sounds like a waterfall, or whales humping.
I'm sorry, Jules'.
For what?
For the way I treated you.
Talking you out of going to Chicago.
Telling you that... ...I would make you happy
and breaking that promise.
I chose to come out here, Drew.
And I chose to stay with you.
Probably longer than I should have.
But, it all comes down to choice.
And my happiness is not for you to promise.
How'd you get so smart.
You just think I'm smart, because I'm smarter than you.
It's not that I want to get all preachy,
but I do want to tell you some of what I learned...
...since I met Julia. You know all those cliques... people tell you,
that go in one ear and out the other?
We'll they're true. You really don't know what you got until it's gone.
And nothing of any worth does come easy.
Wait, wait, wait... I'm not done. Thanks.
I also learned that winning people like Monty and Louis...
...is a lot less important than losing people like Julia.
And that's why, I will never again,
I'll take for granted loving someone who loves me back.
Okay. Now I'm done.
So how's Dante?
He's great.
Dante! Dante! Hello, yes!
- I think he remembers me. - Yeah, well you don't forget someone who almost kills you.
First time around with Julia, I had this elaborate plan for our lives together.
Remember harmonious, mutually fulfilling, emotionally gratifying bliss?
A little tougher than I thought. So this time around, I have no plan.
- I'm just going to see what happens. - Nothing's going to happen.
Whatever you say.