Where the hell is everyone?
Great, we spend two years planning a party
and no one shows up.
There's no question he's here.
Keep your eyes open.
What the...
Head shots, head shots only.
Come on!
Get off of me!
The thing bit me.
Target spotted.
Move move!
I think I see the target.
Clear.
Let's bag 'em and tag 'em
and get the hell out of here.
For god and for country,
Geronimo, Geronimo, Geronimo.
You're not lookin' so good.
Bravo, are you all right?
Bravo, what's going on, are you okay?
What's going on back there?
Stand down, stand down, soldier!
Ahh!
Hold your fire, hold your fire.
In 20, going down, in 20, going down.
Hold on!
Thanks for bringing me out here.
Hey, let's go swimming.
I am not swimming.
Oh come on, don't be such a baby.
Baby, come on!
Ana?
What's up, doc?
What?
What you mean, what's up?
Nice doc, five minute mile in full gear.
I was being chased.
How many?
To be honest, Captain, I didn't get an accurate head count,
'cause I was running for my life.
DC, get some eyes on.
Odds aren't terrible.
What does that mean exactly?
Means you'll have plenty of chance to use that.
Be more specific, Lieutenant.
I'd say four to one, roughly a hundred meters,
closing fast.
That's what I'm talking about.
Are you serious?
What?
It's hot out.
It could be snowing and you'd be hot.
That is a terrible pick up line, but, yes,
I will go out with you.
Eat me, Chippendale.
Me and everything else out here.
Juliette 6-4, Juliette 6-4.
This is Juliette 2-5 over.
Why aren't there any Walnuts in Afghanistan?
Ah, hell.
Why?
'Cause there's targets on every corner.
Go ahead 2-5.
6-4, this is 2-5.
We have twenty Class D hostiles moving to our position.
Request authority to engage, over.
Affirmative.
Predator ETA two minutes.
Roger, ISR, two mikes out.
Look alive, gents.
Look alive?
Oh, the irony.
On me.
Hoot!
Enjoy your unlimited virgins, mis amigos!
What?
I don't mean you, tomboy.
I hate you Carol!
You're a pain in my ass!
Just had to have the dog, didn't ya?
We good here?
What do you call a guy with no legs...
... and no arms?
What?
Matt.
You have fallen in with the wrong crowd.
Your mom warned you about friends like this, right?
Save some for me!
Fighting zombie insurgents, fine by me.
A little help?
Killing infected civilians, it makes me sick.
Can't kill something that's already dead.
Even if I get infected, consider me a goner.
And kill the zombie that took my place.
Take it easy, DC, save some for me.
Do you like that? Yeah.
Hey, you can't shoot the tip.
That was totally mine.
Ah, this sucks.
Where's Kate?
1-9-3-7.
Slew in target cords now.
On target 1-5-3-1-zulu.
We're all right.
We don't know the status of the captain,
God rest his soul.
Permanently, I hope.
Certainly takes the fun out of things, doesn't it?
Captain's wearing the comm's gear and radio.
So we're fubar in that regard.
Swing low sweet chariot
Now is not the time.
We have seventy-two hours until show time.
I say we proceed as planned.
Any bites, scratches, blood intake, et cetera.
Uh... uh-uh-uh...
I guess you only live once, right?
Or twice.
You know we can't let that happen.
Tell Thayden I love him.
Rottweiler.
Okay, then.
Well, carpe diem...
... sempre phi and all that other crap.
I'm sorry, Herc.
Yeah.
How much time we got?
He hit an artery.
Five minutes, tops.
Let's get this show on the road.
Who's gonna do this?
Jeppo?
Sorry, amigo.
You see Chip I'm thinking of a number between
one and a hundred---
Sorry, man.
I'm only killing the undead right now, buddy.
Joke?
Rock, paper, scissors?
All right...
but if I win, you gotta figure it out yourself.
Fair enough.
One, two, three.
Rock beats scissors.
Two out of three.
Why does everybody think that's part of the game?
Come on, two out of three.
One, two---
I'll do it.
I figured you'd do the same for me.
Thanks.
I'm not gonna watch.
Finish the mission.
Whatever's going down the brass feels it's big.
Find the militia camp,
Stop the broadcast and send as many of these things
as you can back to hell.
Make it count.
Here you are, Asif.
Shochran.
Aswan.
It's Asif.
I didn't say Asif?
How do you say it?
Ah-- sif.
Good enough, right?
I'm sorry.
Did you hear that?
No.
You know what, you're right.
Sorry, you'd think after a couple weeks here
I wouldn't be so jumpy.
So these are the mountains of the Registan Desert.
Yeah.
Still no sign of Derek.
Not to worry, we'll find your brother.
Thank you, Asif.
When the embassy wouldn't help me,
I didn't know what I was gonna do.
I'm happy you're...
You heard it that time, right?
Stop, stop.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Ahh!
Help me my friend's been hurt!
Ahh!
Help!
Hold your fire!
I'm from Colorado! Drop your weapon!
I said drop your weapon. I'm American.
Do not make me count because I will not get past one.
You all right? Yeah.
It hit the vest you're good.
Perimeter static for fifty meters,
anything beyond that is anyone's guess.
Everyone keep your ears on.
I think I killed my guide.
Once he was bitten, he was already dead.
If anything you did him a favor.
Loser. Yes.
He's gonna be fine.
Doesn't mean it hurts any less.
Believe it or not, he was wearing his vest.
It's a Christmas miracle.
That's gonna leave a mark.
You should be dead.
Who are you... What are you doing out here?
You take a wrong turn at the trail heading to India?
My name is Dusty Miller.
Ahh!
Pleased to meet you in one piece.
DC, take corner!
My bad.
I'm not sure if you're fully aware
of what we're dealing with here,
but if you so much as get a scratch
from one of these things, you're dead.
Might not be a bad idea if I check you out.
What?
Scratches and bites.
Your safety and ours.
Your chivalry is overwhelming, Chip.
If anyone's gonna be checking her out,
it's gonna be tomboy.
Now remind me, who are you?
And what are you doing out here in the middle of BFA?
I'm trying to find my brother, Derek Miller.
And he is...?
Or was.
He is trying to end the war on terror.
Well cheese and rice.
A gosh darn freedom fighter!
Let me guess.
Business went up in flames back home,
blamed it on the war,
decided to solve the world's problems
all on his own.
Probably bought a couple of cheap weapons,
maybe a sword.
And tried to grow a beard.
You know, to fit in?
Definitely a beard.
Probably still thinks bin Laden's alive.
All right, listen up.
If it's all right if our house guest here
solidify the perimeter and hole up for the night.
This place is as good as any.
Zombies.
Must not have eaten for awhile.
What do we have here?
We may wanna start thinking in terms of agua.
My map says there's water maybe a mile out.
Let me see.
Yeah.
This is as good as ours.
Yeah, yours probably cost about half a million dollars.
Close.
DC, Chip, you guys wanna hop ahead?
Make sure we're not walking into an ambush.
Roger that.
Copy.
See you, boys.
So, um, what's going on here?
Can you be a bit more specific?
Okay, uhh...
how about the walking dead to begin with?
Some run.
That's classified.
I think your secret is safe with me
considering none of us are probably
going to make it out of here alive.
She's got a point.
Speak for yourself, Joppo.
I plan on living in a living sort of way.
Um, isn't el chapo a new Mexican drug lord?
Isn't dusty an adjective
for something covered in dust?
I wasn't trying to be rude.
That's better than yelling cabeza.
Slow... slow!
Getting a little soft.
That's not what your mom said.
My mom's dead, man.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
She lives in Toledo, sucker!
Can you at least tell me where we're going?
Classified.
From the outside looking in, it seems like
everything is so classified.
None of you have any idea what you're doing.
What does your brother know about bin Laden?
Well, for starters, he doesn't think he was thrown to sea.
He's wrong.
Well, he still thinks he's alive
and after what I saw last night,
he can't be too far off.
What aren't you guys telling me?
After the 9/11 attacks,
Bush pledged to win the war on terror
by providing increased weapon transfers
to all countries willing to join America in the fight.
Enter Godsmack.
Godsmack was a biological agent used to push
the militants out from the high ground.
It was designed to contaminate the natural water resources,
thereby forcing the militants out of hiding.
Everything was going as planned--
Until small man syndrome kicked in from one of the piss ant
countries we sold the stuff to.
Every country has its Napoleon.
Who's ours?
Well, there's Bill Bonaparte, George Bonaparte.
Both George Bonapartes.
Those are the kinds of guys that sign our checks.
And there's Barack Bonaparte.
That one actually has a nice ring to it.
It also increases resale value.
Someone was bulking the formula by adding other
biological agents to make a sort of biochemical cocktail.
The combination had, let's say, unexpected results.
It went from being a relatively harmless nausea,
that temporarily contaminated the water
to an active carcinogen
that create acute biological mutations.
Acute biological mutations as in, the living dead?
Give that woman a prize.
As far as we know the pathogens are regionalized.
Most of the outside world has no clue.
Yeah, for now.
If it's anything like Facebook,
it'll be in Panama by next week.
I love Facebook.
Now it's an aggressive contagion.
And as far as we know, it can only be transferred
by direct exchange of bodily fluids.
Could you be a little more specific on fluids, doc?
Blood.
Unless you wanna do your own research.
I'll pass.
The Department of Defense has been monitoring
the militia camp for months.
Something big is going down in less than 48 hours.
Detail was sketchy, but intel suggests
there's gonna be some heavy hitters.
Do you think bin Laden's still alive?
It's not in our pay grade to even ask.
Minimum, plus time and a half on weekends.
And I'm super happy about that.
But he could be, right?
We've all considered it.
But how are they dealing with the undead?
I mean, they don't seem too manageable.
They might be using them.
For what?
For every few militants we wipe out,
they get a few of ours.
Remember, there were several hundred thousand
NATO boys and girls occupying this hell hole
not too long ago.
But after somebody farted under the covers,
the slumber party was over.
Everyone went home in a hurry.
Confucius say, man who fart in church
must sit in his own pew.
No one wanted to risk the spread of the contagion
on their own country.
So all that's left is a few lucky units of Special Forces
from a few NATO countries.
We're American flavor, with a squeeze of limey.
So... where's all your support?
We lost contact with the OD a day ago.
Yeah, this is getting better and better.
Well at least you're not dragging around a civilian chick
with a mullet looking for her retarded brother.
We have a rendezvous point established
with overhead in two days.
My guess is we'll find the militant's
stronghold before then.
I knew that my brother was crazy,
but none of this makes any sense.
When has terrorism ever made sense?
We and a few others are the only things standing
between the people of Afghanistan
and a zombie apocalypse.
Whether it makes sense to you or not,
it's a hell of a mission.
One that we all signed up for.
Doc, are you guys coming?
We found a spring 30 minutes ago.
Copy... We're on our way.
Joker, check this!
Hey, buttface!
Oh!
You mean no face.
Shouldn't you be in school or something?
Some water?
Come on, take some.
Should call these MRH's.
Meals ready to hurl.
Got some of the baddest weapons on the planet
and the food still sucks.
Hey, doc. Hey, tomboy.
Okay, shifts.
DC, you're first.
And Chip, then Chapo.
How come DC always gets to go first?
Joker and Tomboy will take us 'til sun up.
Circle the perimeter and rest on the high ground.
Everyone else, get your REM's with one eye open.
I was only kidding about the body search.
Yeah.
You married?
Nope.
Girlfriend?
A couple.
But we don't usually do body searches on the first date.
I like to always buy them dinner first.
How long you been out here?
Uh, couple weeks,
including the week it took to get here.
And you never came across 'em till last night?
I guess I was lucky.
Your brother either owes you a lot of money
or you must really love him.
Both.
You know in the end, I think you end up doing
anything for family.
I got an uncle I never really liked.
Probably wouldn't walk his butt across the street.
You older or younger?
I'm younger by a couple years.
Don't take this the wrong way 'cause I'm not a psychologist,
but, your brother fits the profile
of a guy who's a couple tacos short of a combo plate.
Well, you're doing the same thing,
so what does that make you?
Touché.
You know my brother was a fire fighter in New York.
He was there 9/11 and his whole crew died
in the collapse of the towers while he was home sick.
Wow.
Yeah.
You know he never really got over it
and he always thought of himself as dead already
living on cheated time and when they caught bin Laden
I thought you know, it's finally over
and then it just got worse.
His conspiracy theories, his obsessions,
and I think he just, he wants to kill him himself, you know?
That way, he knows that he's dead.
I just want him home.
Derek.
Deh-deek.
No, my name is Derek.
Deh-deek.
Fine, take it.
What are you doing here?
I have no idea what you just said,
but I like you.
Ooo, ooo just not the green one.
That tastes the best.
You think bin Laden's still alive?
I was reading some pretty crazy stuff on this website
a couple weeks ago.
It made the hair on my neck stand up.
Just something's not right.
And I won't rest 'til I know he's dead, I mean,
really dead this time.
What I've seen, there's a fine line between
dead and not so dead.
Lieutenant?
Where is everyone?
Chip?
Ahh!
Hey, easy.
Take it easy.
We're on civilian patrol and sounds like the fight
is getting closer.
We have to pack and go quietly.
Okay, okay.
Stay close and follow me.
Isn't that your family?
They look non-infected to me.
Go get them.
Ah-hee!
We locked and loaded?
I think so.
Can you please check?
Thank you.
By the way, you could sleep through a tornado.
I guess I felt secure.
You were.
They've flanked us from both sides.
How many?
Fifty plus.
Fifty?
I say we cast off before they reach
Joker and Tomboy in the rear.
Where's Chapo and DC?
Chapo's holding the front,
DC's in the tree line with big mama.
Carol!
That was gonna be for your therapist!
And for your plastic surgeon!
That was your trainer!
And whoever else you're sleeping with.
I want my--
Well, it seems like he's got things handled.
Let's move.
You stay here, duck down by the rocks.
Try to shoot only what you're sure is dead this time.
I'm not staying here.
You don't listen, do you?
Oh, crap it's a convention.
We have to get to the tree line.
Let's move.
Haven't seen a group this big
since they opened a Walmart in my town.
All right.
Listen up.
We got about three minutes to regroup before we're lunch.
How are we doing on ammo?
Big mama's just warming up.
Okay here.
Good n' plenty.
I love those.
Dropped my 45 in the clearing.
Yeah I dropped my rifle too.
You guys cover me.
I'll get both.
That's suicide, doc.
I'm already dead.
I'll get the guns.
Wait.
That's for getting bit.
I was supposed to have your babies.
You know he's infected, right?
Only by blood.
You better hope so.
Oh man, he's still holding the grenade.
Shoot it!
30 meters.
20 meters!
Guys!
Shoot it!
You gonna be all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
That something we're gonna have to worry about?
Well left my Flintstone Band-Aids back at base,
so this may leave a pretty bad scar.
But if you're worried about zombie offspring,
don't be.
You can still have my babies.
This is what you call friendly fire.
Well after reviewing all the intel,
which consists of two maps, one of which does not belong
to the US army, I think we're close.
How close, I don't know.
Based upon our rations, I think we should divide up
into two faster moving quieter units
and before we start campaigning or complaining,
let's discuss our options.
I think first...
I think DC's right.
Splitting up increases the chances of at least
one team making it to the mission camp
and completing the mission.
Anyone got a better idea?
Steak and potatoes at my mama's house?
Porcelain toilet, running water.
We'll equally divide the food rations
and the nine mil ammo.
Joker you take the saw and I'll keep Big Mama,
unless you wanna trade.
I got enough monkeys on my back, but thanks, though.
You guys take the military map.
Get out your compasses 'cause we have zero calm overhead.
We are on our own.
I'm estimating about a day and a half,
maybe faster if you're humpin'.
Do not, I repeat, do not go so fast
that you can't fight when necessary.
Ranger training 101.
Water resources are highlighted on the map,
we'll rendezvous at the objected point in 36 hours.
If you do not arrive at or before 36 hours,
rangers, we will expect the worst.
We'll be there.
One way or the other.
Hopefully not the other.
All right, then.
We'll head due south in the opposite direction,
but we'll be flanking you for about the last ten miles.
Now if you're gonna get in trouble, do it there.
Good?
Let's move out.
* One little, two little, three little zombies *
* Shoot 'em in the head and wipe the brains off me *
No, no, no, no!
Did you ever think that dead people
would be the worst kind of enemy?
Dead enemies were always the best kind of enemies.
So where's all the zombie crap?
What?
Zombies obviously extract some kind of nutrients
from eating, so, where's all the poop?
Are you serious right now?
Unless there's zombies that I haven't seen
keeling over from exploded bowels,
they're evacuating somewhere.
I'll tell you what.
Next time we see one, we'll flag him down
and check and see if he's wearing a diaper.
Great, guys.
Maybe they're bulimic.
After a delightful meal, it daintily excuses itself
only to return happily for more brains.
I'd rather be bulimic than poop my pants.
Go ahead.
You ever seen "Intervention?"
Yeah, it's the worst show on TV.
There was this one episode where this lady
was yakkin' in zip loc bags after every meal,
hiding them in a closet.
No!
Yep.
After a hearty meal, she'd go in the bathroom,
say hello to her dirty little secret,
bag it up in a zip loc, put it in her closet.
And one day her husband was putting his shoes on,
slides his foot into yesterday's lunch
and cat's out of the bag.
That's assuming she had cat for lunch.
So what happened?
Of course they did an intervention on her
with that crazy host lady.
You know, the one that could probably use
an intervention herself.
They got her all squared away.
We had to do an intervention on my mom once.
Oh yeah, what for?
You remember those little stuffed animal toys,
the Beanie Babies?
Yeah, I remember those.
She had hundreds of them.
After she filled up all the bookshelves in the house,
she started buying special cabinets to put them in.
At first, my dad thought it was a good idea,
you know, give her a little hobby.
What he didn't know was that there was hundreds more
underneath all the beds in the house.
So how'd it come to a head?
My little sister, she wanted to take one to school
for "Show And Tell."
She just reached up one of the bookshelves,
she didn't know what she was bringing down, you know.
Turns out it was Paddy the Platypus,
one of the original nine.
Oh, not Paddy.
So my sister comes home from school,
takes it out of the backpack,
it's got a little stain on it
'cause all the kids were passing it around at lunch.
She goes ballistic.
Geez.
So my dad's like, "Enough's enough," y'know?
"It's either us, or the Beanie Babies."
To be honest, it took her a little while to decide.
Nice, Tomboy.
Nice.
Feel better?
Yeah, a little.
Check the pants?
Who's Carol, anyway?
I mean, I don't mean to pry...
it's just I heard you yelling her name
in what seemed to be like a hate filled rage
over and over.
I loved Carol my whole life.
Operative verb tense-- loved.
Well, maybe you still do, that's why it hurts.
Somewhere in the recesses of the heart she ripped out?
Doubtful.
All Carol does is motivate me to kill things
that should already be dead.
But you loved her.
Well, how could I not?
She gave me her juice box when I was in Kindergarten.
She doesn't seem that bad.
She was like a foot taller than me.
I mean, she used to make me so nervous my hands would sweat.
Maybe she just felt bad for me
because I never had enough money for school lunch.
You grow up poor?
No, I had a Pokémon problem.
Mom gave me money for school lunch
and I used to spend it on Pokémon cards instead.
Carol bought me school lunch every single day
all the way up through eighth grade.
Well, she doesn't sound that bad to me.
Well, prescription drugs do funny things.
I mean, she was so beautiful-- she just never saw it.
I don't know if it was the screwed up relationship
she had with her dad-- Man, that guy was a tool--
Or maybe some people are just born that way I don't know.
But no matter how many times I told her
how beautiful she was, it never sank in.
I guess it didn't help I was gone all the time.
She knew that going in.
Well according to her therapist, I have all the blame.
Yeah, well next time some rag head decides
to park a 747 in the lobby of a ninety story skyscraper,
a therapist will be the first on my call list.
It wasn't his fault.
I mean, the over abundance of crap he was prescribing
for her didn't help, but her damn plastic surgeon.
Sleeping with him?
Knocking boots.
Horizontal hopscotch.
Bumpin' uglies.
Thank you, Chip.
Point is, there wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Turns out the road between patient to bed buddies
isn't very long.
How long did they know each other?
Huh-- Let's see.
After the nose job she absolutely didn't need.
Then Botox for the crow's feet that I thought were sexy,
maybe two months.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
And then all the Prozac and whatever the hell else
she was taking, combined with the fact that I was gone,
combined with the fact that doctor was whispering
in her ear the whole time.
I guess we both just changed.
And that's when DC was born.
You mean reborn?
No, he means born.
My name is Ryan Parker.
DC has nothing to do with my initials.
What's DC?
Well my best friend called me that after I spent a year
in divorce court.
It got so ugly.
Not because of me, dude-- I gave her everything.
I know-- I was there.
It was the dog we argued over.
She hated that thing until she knew I wanted him.
That sucks.
Yeah, anyway.
Joint custody.
Weekends and Christmas.
I doubt he'll be getting back up.
That's nice.
One less we have to kill again.
Well what do you think he was doing out here alone?
Maybe that was his friend dining on him.
Doubt it.
The one I shot's militia.
What's left of this one, civilian.
Not that--
What the...
His throat's been cut.
Nobody move.
This guy's wired.
You think he was wired before?
Looks like an IED.
I doubt it was Hannibal the Cannibal here though.
What's the point?
Whatever it is, we fell for it.
Slowly step away.
Retrace your steps.
Yeah, real slow.
Incoming!
Move, move, move!
This is actually kind of nice.
Humans shooting humans...
More like the war I'm used to.
Son of a card!
Hey, DC, you ok?
I think I picked up some schrap.
All right.
Let's take five and get our bearing.
I'm going to take one.
A number one.
Do you take a number one or do you leave a number one?
Sounds like a personal decision.
I'll leave it.
Looks like we're coming up on some hostile territory.
No, really?
I thought this would be a great place for a summer home.
There's no indication of this road on the map
but its clear they used it for transport at one point.
Yeah, maybe there's an IHOP at the top of the hill.
You know, what's your deal, Huh?
Whoa!
Joker?
Yeah I know.
It's platter charge.
Never deployed.
How many of those have we walked by?
Man.
It's a Tupperware party from Hell.
All right, well... uh.
Let's very carefully retrace our steps and head back
the way we came.
Man!
Looks like the party's still in full swing.
Where are these guys coming from?
That one's gonna hit a bomb.
Hit it!
Yes!
Chapo, we got to move!
Hold your position unless you want to go kaboom!
Guys, what are we gonna do?
Chapo!
I'm open for suggestions, Joker!
We gotta move!
All right, it's better than staying for dinner.
Either way, it's gonna end bad.
Just watch your step!
That was awesome!
Whoa!
Watch where you're pointing that thing.
Who the hell are you?
Derek Miller.
And you shouldn't be on this road.
Chances are there's road-side bombs on it.
You don't say.
You could have gotten yourself and us killed.
You wouldn't be complaining if I didn't show up when I did.
The man's got a point.
We know who you are.
Your sister's with the rest of our unit.
My sister?
She's here?
Looking for you.
I didn't think she'd come!
Apparently stupidity runs in the family.
We had to save her.
Albeit, the same way you just saved us.
I guess that makes us even.
Yeah.
Except you have no business being here.
I'm helping to fund this thing.
Why shouldn't I be here?
Because you're gonna get yourself killed, Mr. Miller.
Yeah?
You guys want to ride somewhere?
Uh, not on this road.
Come on!
What do we got?
Glass!
Cheap mothers!
Guns are way more effective.
File a complaint.
What are you doing?
You want to bleed out?
You couldn't think of anything else?
Nothing came to mind.
Let's see what we got?
Yeah, that's in deep.
You may want to leave this in.
You out of your mind?
If it hit an artery and I pull it out, you're screwed.
I'll take my chances.
All right.
You better bear down then.
What does that mean?
Like you're having a baby or something.
I don't know what that means!
You know what?
Just clench your butt cheeks cause this is gonna hurt
like a son of a...
It's definitely an artery.
If you bleed to death, I'm going to be really pissed.
Any better?
No.
Guys, we have a serious problem.
Here, chew on these.
Don't get comfortable--
It doesn't' sound like we're staying long.
Anything else?
Yeah-- Don't die.
What do we got?
That's our exit.
Come on!
Hey!
What's the last thing I said?
I'm not dead yet.
You're going to hate me, but we got to move now!
I can't. Hey, hey, hey!
Look at me-- Look at me!
Do it for Carol, all right?
We're all going to die if you don't leave me behind.
You are so negative!
Come on!
Dusty, grab my pack and gun!
Stop being such a baby.
You know I'm right.
We leave no man behind,
weren't you listening in boot camp?
Dusty, if anything gets within ten feet
put a bullet in it.
So what do you know?
I know this whole thing would be a little easier
without the flesh eating ghouls.
I mean what do you know about where you are,
what your destination is,
what you plan to do once you get there, Superman?
Pretty sure I'm still in the Registan Desert
at least that's what the map says
that I downloaded from Google Earth.
Six dollar compass may be cheap,
but it's still pointing north.
So my destination is militia camp
where I think they're hiding bin Laden.
And yes, he's still alive.
So my plan is to kill him when I get there,
before we have to wait another ten years.
Although I'm thinking about bringing him in alive,
I think the bounty on him would still be pretty good.
Would go a long way in paying for this
expensive vacation of mine.
I don't know how you guys got here,
but my, uh, coach ticket was two thousand bucks.
I haven't even heard of another bounty.
I mean, most of the free world has no clue
what's going on.
Oh.
Well, that sucks.
What makes you think he's still alive?
You're telling me that he's not?
Truth is, we don't know.
I know.
How do you know that, living in Colorado?
Let me know if you want to talk about
the two hundred fifty billion dollar in bail out.
That didn't do anyone any good.
I got some thoughts on that one, too.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
How about we talk about this militia camp?
Like why you even think it's there to begin with?
And why you think bin Laden might be there?
I took this off of a guy that obviously can't read anymore.
Yeah-- No question that this is Intel
on the militia camp.
But who's there is anyone's guess.
Even we're guessing.
You guys do that a lot.
But you're trying, which is all anyone can ask.
Look, the road that we're on was not on my map.
Okay-- It's not on any maps.
But it is on this one.
So someone went to great lengths to cover it up.
And my guess is that anyone that stumbles
on this road would get a butt full of hello.
Great name for a band.
So we must be close to a town.
No.
No, there's no town on here.
So where are all the civilian zombies come from?
Well, it's my personal opinion that they're making them.
Well we know they're making them, genius.
No, I think they're bringing uninfected people
into the camp and they're holding on to them
until they need them to eat people.
I think the altitude has gotten to you, amigo.
Most of them are prisoners, but I think some
come willingly, you know, in the name of Allah.
Suicide chompers.
Estás loco.
You're crazy.
Well I mean, if you think about it,
it's really no different
than a woman walking into a crowded market
with ten kilos of C4 packed in her baby's stroller.
Makes sense to me.
Well, not really, but why not send in a suicide bomber
that has a bomb that doesn't just go off once,
but over and over and over?
So what makes you think bin Laden might be there?
What makes you think he isn't?
Sorry.
Dusty, can you grab that?
Little help here, buddy.
We still gotta make it up that hill.
Then what?
I don't know, I'm not a cruise director.
Can't feel my leg.
That's cause you have a bottle of Coke in it.
I'm not gonna make it.
Remember that weekend we came home from munitions training
and Carol had all your stuff across the front yard?
Damn yard sale.
It was all your stuff, too.
She had it priced good.
She sold my alligator boots.
I bought three pairs of jeans.
Parker.
Get up, Parker.
Get up, soldier.
I can't.
We're almost there.
Come on, come on!
They're coming!
What else is new?
Shoot 'em.
We're going to have to find some water if we're going
to get this thing running again.
Pee in it.
Ain't gonna happen.
I went an hour ago.
Well, I'm empty-- We leave it.
Leave it?
It's a perfectly good truck.
Put a for sale sign on it.
Somebody will come along.
No, we wait around a bit.
We'll find water.
What do you want us to do, a rain dance?
Hey, pack it up.
I don't want to be here when it gets dark.
We got to at least take this gun.
Oh sure, as long as you want to carry it.
Never mind.
What?
One here, one there, they weren't using them.
Don't shoot yourself in the foot, Captain America.
Don't shoot anyone in the foot.
Come on, almost there.
They're coming up fast!
I got one!
You with me, buddy?
Huh-- Parker?
Yeah, I know.
Just tightening my shirt.
I got to go in here and clear this,
but then I'm coming back to fix your leg
I promise.
Okay?
You have my gun?
All right, let's go.
Stay with me, buddy.
This can't be a good idea.
It's not.
We're clear.
What do you think they're on line for?
Who knows?
They're crazy.
Eight trillion dollars worth of untapped natural resources
here and no one can seem to get past the oil.
I think I'd rather take my chances out in the open.
I think you're right.
Let's get out of here.
Just run!
Chip!
Get out of here!
Chip!
DC, we're coming!
Get out the way!
Here!
I got you, I got you.
It hurt.
They don't call it Big Mama for nothing.
All right.
Let's get your leg fixed.
I just want to lay down for a second.
Just let me lay here.
We can do that.
I really want my dog back.
Okay.
We can do that.
Bark.
Stay with me, man.
Stay with me.
I always loved her.
I know.
Oh God.
DC.
Zombies and insurgents.
Flank out.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Lock and load.
Shoot anything that's alive or zombie-fied.
What did the zombie eat after he got his teeth pulled?
I don't know-- what?
The dentist.
Shut your mouth.
You might as well send up a flare while you're at it.
Sorry.
But you just gave me the best idea.
I don't know if these things can smell this
but this is the best we can do for now.
And then what?
When we get square, we come back for him.
What are you going to do with these?
These rightfully belong to his ex-wife,
but that ain't gonna happen.
Uh, how'd he carry this thing?
There's movement down there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait-- Derek?
Derek!
I can't' believe you're here!
Derek!
You're so stupid!
Come on.
Why doesn't it surprise me you're not wearing a shirt?
I'm going to have to borrow one.
Give 'em a little taste of their own medicine.
Anything that decides it needs a breath of fresh air,
it will most certainly be its last.
Again.
Will you go grab that guy?
The idea of a civilian covered in guns out here
peeing by himself makes me a little nervous.
Where would you like me to grab him?
That's up to you, amigo.
He's done okay this far.
Well I guess you can choose to be offended
by that comment.
Or you can see it as a gesture of caring
that I don't want another American to die out here.
Especially not under my watch.
Thank you, then.
Hey.
Would you put those away?
That one, too.
Sorry.
Hey, check this out.
No question.
Seems like a lot of extra effort.
Pays off.
I'm wearing DC's dog tags to prove it.
So they slit the throats, wire them up,
hoping to draw in the opposition.
When the booby trap doesn't work,
they send in the second string to eat them.
Sounds right.
We must be getting close to our objective.
We'll make the final push at dawn.
Derek, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I'm doing what needs to be done.
You need to come home.
No.
Yeah, I thought about, for weeks, what I was going to say
to you when I found you and I realized none of that
really matters because you're stubborn
and no matter what anyone says to you
it's never going to change your mind.
Remember when we were kids,
and the weatherman spoke about the wind chill factor?
And you always thought
he was talking about the wind chill factory?
And you said it's always colder in the wind chill factory
because it's in Alaska?
It is always colder in the wind chill factory.
No matter what anyone says to you, you're never going
to change your mind.
If you don't want to for yourself,
will you do it for me?
If you care about me, will you come home?
Because I care about you, I can't.
Are you okay?
Are you?
Dusty!
Run!
If you saw Derek, why didn't you stop him?
I'm not his babysitter.
He's a grown man.
If he wants to get eaten, he can get eaten.
I don't care if he doesn't value his own life,
but he's going to get us all killed.
No offense, Dusty, but being this close
he's probably already dead.
And if not, there'll probably be a ticker tape parade
waiting for us when we get there.
Let's go.
I don't think he's dead.
Thanks.
It's the back door.
Thank you "Call of Duty."
Wish my brother wasn't so stubborn.
You're confusing stubborn with stupid.
Geez, Chapo do you ever stop?
Cut him some slack.
He was never asked to a dance in high school.
Still eats him up inside.
So what's eating you, Tomboy?
I'd kill for an hour on the beach right now.
Yeah?
Do you like to rollerblade?
Never been.
I love rollerblading.
I used to go every weekend back home.
You know what the hardest thing about rollerblading is?
Probably, uh, learning how to stop.
It's telling your parents you're gay.
Stay or go?
We're running short on time.
We got to get there before the air strike.
Move out!
What do we got?
Looks like someone let the dogs out.
Derek's been here.
Stay tight.
Shoot anything on two feet.
Joker, take Big Mama.
Thought you'd never ask.
I'm gonna flank the perimeter, see if I can find an opening.
Chip, not a good idea.
The sooner we secure the cave the sooner we know exactly
what we're dealing with.
I'll find a radio and call HQ.
It's a death sentence.
I knew that when I enlisted.
I'm coming too.
Like hell you are.
My brother might be there.
Along with everything else.
I'm coming.
It's her life.
All right, don't be long.
If our birds actually show up we don't want to be
anywhere near this place.
I only need a few.
Stay close.
Let's give him some cover.
Wake up Big Mama.
She's awake.
I gotta remember this room.
Watch your head.
Get them!
We're in business.
Dusty-- What are you doing?
That hat almost got you killed, bro.
Come on, we've got to get out of here.
I've called an air strike-- We have to leave now.
This is the end of the cave as far as I can tell.
This is the last room.
I knew it.
We got to move.
We got to go now!
Oh I hate being in the back!
Go, go!
I'm right behind you!
Tomboy, down!
Joker!
Where's he hit?
I don't know-- Looking for the entry.
Well get the vest off!
Just what I need, right?
Another pie hole.
Yeah, well shut both of them.
Put pressure on it.
Put your hand here.
Stay with me, Joker.
I mean it.
I don't have anything.
So, there's a murderer, right?
He's sitting in an electric chair.
He's about to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asks the chaplain.
"Sure," says the murderer.
Will you hold my hand?
That was the worst joke I've ever heard.
They're all bad.
I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss me, too.
Damn you!
Where's Derek?
He was right behind us.
We have to go back and get him.
Dusty, there's no time.
The strike's coming now.
Just in time to blow out the candles.
Die!
Who crapped their pants?
This is what I've been waiting for.
Go back to hell you son of a...
Bring in the rain... we gotta get out of here.
Derek!
We've got to move.
Target neutralized.
Pick up our boys and bring them home.
Guys, we got a straggler.
Shoot it, I'm too tired.
You have got to be kidding me.
Derek?
Derek!
Oh!
It's over.
I got him.
You're so stupid!
Was it worth it?
Yeah.
Nothing left of the bastard.
I got to say, I'm kind of jealous.
Amen, brother.
The man who did the deed.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm due for a leave.
Yeah, I could use some time off.
What are you doing the next couple of months?
I'm available.
I'd go to Alaska if you go.
Alaska it is.
You might have to wear a shirt, it's kind of cold out there.
Hey, well he isn't coming with us, is he?
I don't know.
Derek, do you want to go?
Please no.
I wouldn't mind seeing the wind chill factory up there.