(train rumbling)
- Pretty chilly out today.
- Little bit.
- Could be worse.
- Could be a lot worse.
- You having a good day today?
- Not so bad.
- I can't complain.
Nobody would listen anyhow.
(both men chuckle)
Would you mind if I touched your face?
- Okay.
(police sirens blaring)
- Thank you for that.
- No problem.
- Well I gotta get going now.
- Bye.
(cane taps)
- Hey.
- What?
- What the hell, I thought you were blind?
- I never said that.
(car rumbles)
♫ All of the people who would rather be by themselves
♫ Aren't inherently unhappy ♫
- Sometimes I look up at the moon, and I wonder,
is someone else looking up at the same moon at the same
time with me?
And do they wish they were dead too?
♫ Let me a few things off of my chest ♫
I'm Neil Michael Adler.
Where do I start?
I'm Jewish, well, my Dad's Jewish, so, I'm half Jewish.
Actually to people that like Jews I'm not, but, to people
who hate Jews, I'm definitely Jewish.
Regardless, I'm fairly certain that God did not choose me.
I'm kind of sad, not really sad, I just mean, I can be
sad at times, I've always felt like this was my default,
but, I look at a flower and I get sad.
I have a great kiss and it makes me sad.
Can't exactly tell you why, but, this is just the way I am.
I do enjoy life, sadness is just kind of like a companion.
I've got my own business and I like that.
I paint which is awful, but, I like it.
Most importantly though, there's Amanda.
She's my little slice of Heaven.
She keeps me honest and makes me a better person.
With her, everything stays together.
It's almost easy.
I know a lot of people say you shouldn't put all of your
eggs in one basket, well I'm here to tell you, those people
have shitty baskets.
They don't have Amanda.
♫ You can find me at the show
♫ I'll be sitting in my car
♫ Pretending I'm not noticed
♫ Pretending that I'm fine, I'm fine
♫ You can find me at the show
♫ I'm a little bit too early again so I'll just
♫ Be over there and I can feel you staring but I feel fine
♫ I'm not fine, I don't even know what that word means
♫ Though I'm not fine, I'm not fine, I'm not fine
♫ You can find me at my place on the corner doing my best
♫ Not to come up nervous so I look fine
♫ Maybe a little tired but fine
♫ You can find me where I work
♫ Where I just turn my emotions off
♫ Unless you wanna see the real thing you'll get fined
♫ And you look fine
♫ And I'm not fine
♫ I don't even know if that word signifies a meaning
♫ No I'm not fine, I'm not fine
♫ I'm not fine
♫ I'm a little afraid that this is what okay is
♫ That I'm not fine
♫ I'm not fine, I'm not fine
♫ And no I can't come to your party
♫ There are just gonna be so many people there
♫ And they would be happy and they would be drunk
♫ And they would tell me how awkward I walk
♫ What's a fate worse than that ♫
(Amanda moaning)
- I was hoping that was you.
(knocking on door)
- Hey man, you doing okay?
I know it's been hard but I got something for you.
It'll take great care of you.
- I don't wanna know.
- It's home made.
- I won't be drinking that.
- Trust me, when I fractured my elbow I drank two glasses
and I didn't feel shit.
- I don't want it, I'm just gonna stay here, clean my place
and try not to think about it, it's what guys do.
- So I'm gonna leave this right here.
I care about you, stay strong angel.
(door squeaks, thuds)
(grunts)
- Yep, bad as it looks.
(scrubs)
(thuds)
(glass clanks)
(sirens blare)
(machine beeps)
- [Nurse] Can you hear me?
- Yeah, where am I?
- Daniel Madigan Memorial, we pumped your stomach,
you're going to be okay.
- Bleach?
- Yes, you drank bleach.
You slept through most of your suicide watch,
how do you feel?
- It was an accident.
- I'm sure it was.
- God damn it, I didn't mean to.
- It's really up to the doctor, you know?
Honestly you're probably looking at court ordered therapy,
same thing happened to my sister's daughter, she's a mess.
Well maybe you know her,
her name's, - Can I speak to my doctor
please? - Alright, but watch your tone
unless you like your sponge baths rough. (chuckles)
- Ah, you woke up. (chuckles)
So what seems to be the problem?
- I was just trying to explain that I didn't try to kill
myself, it was all an accident.
- Well, let's take a look.
Nope, you attempted suicide, says so right here.
(clock ticks)
- I know you feel pressured to be here.
- Yeah, the court ordered me to, so yeah, I'd say that's
some pressure.
- But I want you to open up to me, I really know I can
help you.
- I didn't try to kill myself.
- So you're telling me that the day your girlfriend of six
years moves out, you accidentally drink bleach after
drinking yourself stupid?
- I thought I was drinking more alcohol.
- What is it that makes you so ashamed?
- That's not what happened.
- Are you embarrassed because you didn't succeed?
Is it because it wasn't a very manly way to die?
You must have changed your mind since you called 911.
Do you feel like a coward?
- Fuck you.
You're supposed to be there for me,
you're supposed to be my friend.
But you know what?
Now you're just a fucking bummer.
Fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Shouldn't we get this fire going?
- Absolutely, man.
(paper shuffles)
- What is that? - That's kindling.
- Are those letters? - Relax, they're just
children's letters to Santa.
- How is that any better?
- You know there's no Santa, right?
Nobody reads these letters.
It's fine, I already removed the stamps.
- It's just like killing a piece of childhood though.
- Have you ever paid a gas bill?
Then your childhood is dead, get over it.
- Maybe I'll just get some face time with Amanda.
Maybe we can talk it out.
She just left out of nowhere.
- Was it really out of nowhere?
- Yeah dude, we were happy and then she was just gone.
- Did you try calling her?
- She wouldn't answer, so I'm just gonna have to find her
when she's out.
- I guess stalking is a slightly better idea than killing
yourself, but only slightly.
- I make a living doing art for clients.
It's great not having a boss.
Instead I have about 40 bosses.
I always have to keep gaining new clients.
It's a pretty simple five step process.
Step one, look presentable.
Step two, be prepared.
Step three, doubt yourself.
Step four, cheese burgers.
Step five, properly hide the fact that you are just a child
that never grew up the same way everyone else must have.
You must lie to this person or persons to make them believe
that you aren't actually two eight year olds on each other's
shoulders underneath a long coat.
They must believe the lie.
- Yeah, yeah, I like it.
I like it a lot.
Tell you what, though.
I would like it more if it was a bit more blue, yeah?
- Okay, I mean, it is blue.
- Yeah, but more blue, you know?
More.
- Like a stronger blue, or a royal blue?
- Nah, no, no, different blue, you know?
Not like royal blue, just, you know, blue.
- Alright.
- That make sense?
- Hey baby. - Hi.
- Ready to go? - Yeah.
- [Girl] Okay.
- Are you really that surprised that there was someone else?
- Yes.
- And a chick?
You didn't see that coming?
- Well her Facebook did always say that she was bisexual,
but I just thought she did that to seem more likable.
- She didn't have like, jet black hair and piercings,
did she?
- Yeah.
- Dude, was it her?
- Yes.
- That's Miha, she works at the Brew Hut, she's awesome.
- Oh I'm sure she's so great.
Where's my burrito?
- Oh, sorry, hot lesbo action
always throws my concentration.
- Where's my knife?
- Huh? - The knife to cut my food.
- Oh, I didn't get you one, you know.
- So you stopped me from getting a plastic knife because
I can kill myself with it?
Seriously?
- You're right, I'm never caring again.
- Are you upset because she doesn't have a penis?
And you feel like you don't have a penis, and you thought
she left you because you don't have a penis, but now that
she's with someone else without a penis, you feel like she
should be okay being with you without a penis?
- Huh?
(clock ticking)
- Oh shit I'm sorry man, excuse me,
I'm sorry. - Yeah, excuse you.
Were you too busy thinking about the sale on black hair
dye to pay attention to where you're going?
(laughs)
- Okay, just take it down a notch buddy, like we don't need
to do this, you don't need to come at me talking about black
hair like this. - Just walking along minding
my own business and you just run into me.
- Okay man, I know, and I'm sorry, are you hurt?
- Yeah, I am hurt, your actions affect other people,
not that you care.
- Um, you're right, you're right, so uh,
you have somewhere to go tonight?
- What?
- Like, can I call a friend for you, like a family member,
anything, can I? - What are you talking about?
- Alright buddy, there are organizations around here that
help people that are in your certain situation, and that's
okay, that's fine, I mean-- - I'm not homeless.
- Wait, wait.
Are you Neil?
- No.
(gasps)
- Aww, dude, you're totally Neil.
Ah God now it makes so much more sense.
Even though I'm not really too sure that was the best way
to go about it, but that's okay, that's okay,
I understand-- - Yeah well you stole her
away from me.
(sighs)
- Look man, if you still want to be with someone in love
with you anymore, then you've got bigger problems to worry
about than me.
- What do you even know?
- Well.
Give me your phone?
- No just, just trust me, trust me, I'm just putting my
number in here, okay, uh, that way, you know, if you need
to talk, I can listen, okay?
- Oh so I'm supposed to talk to the girl who stole my
girl friend about my problems?
- Hey man, if you have a better idea then go with that one,
okay?
Take care of yourself.
(silently mouthing words)
- Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
(acoustic guitar music)
Okay, you gotta be reasonable.
Just think reasonably, logic and reason.
Alright, so, right, okay.
If I can't figure out my problems by the time this Chinese
food is gone, I'll just die.
That's it, I'll be nothing, period.
♫ Life's too hard
♫ And when I'm hurting
♫ You say you cannot keep control
♫ Cannot keep your hands off me
♫ So what's that mean?
♫ What are you seeing? ♫
Right.
Hey.
Would you still love me if I wasn't an artist?
- Probably not.
(knocking
- Can I help you?
- Uh no, I'm just waiting for the Chinese place to open.
- I own the place.
Don't be racist.
- Okay.
- You want a cup of coffee or something?
You know when my parents retired, I took this place over.
- Adopted parents?
- Yeah I know you only ever hear of white people adopting
Asian kids, right?
- I didn't mean it like that.
- Don't sweat it man, I've heard it all.
My parents actually did pretty well by this place, so,
I ended up going to an expensive prep school.
That was fun.
- I was a Jewish kid.
- Dude, I'm so sorry. (chuckles)
- Don't piss me off or I'll do your taxes.
(laughs)
- So, you love my lo mein so much you'd wait out all night
in the parking lot for it?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Well, it's a family recipe.
I think it's the best in town.
I think our authentic stuff's even better, though.
- That sounds great.
- I could whip you up some duck blood if you want?
- No I'm actually gonna pass on that, I think.
- [Owner] You doing okay? - Yeah.
- Comfort food's kind of a funny business, you catch people
at their best and at their worst.
People celebrate their job promotions with egg rolls,
they also amend broken hearts with them.
- Makes sense.
- I'm gonna whip you up the biggest plate of lo mein
you've ever seen.
- Thanks.
- It's on the house, too.
- You don't have to do that.
- [Owner] Well just promise me something.
- What's that?
- I don't want to see you here all the time.
Start making a difference for yourself today, accept help.
- From a fortune cookie, isn't it?
- It was totally from a fortune cookie.
(laughs)
- God I hate you.
- I know.
- Okay, here you go.
- This has a roofie in it right?
- Nope, two.
Tolerance has gone up. (laughs)
- But not my tolerance for blacks, right Jew boy?
- Dave's go to for ice breaking has always been
hilarious racism.
- Yeah I know.
- Well hey, I'm happy that you came out though.
Does it feel good to get out of the house?
- I get out of the house.
- He never leaves.
Except to get take out or have meltdowns on lesbians.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- No man, don't worry about it, it's fine.
Hey let me talk to you something real fast.
I just want you to know that I understand what it's like
to be upset and in pain.
Look man I have made countless mistakes, probably more
than you have.
Look.
- Okay.
- So when I was younger, I went through a lot of pain trying
to figure who I was.
The only thing that made sense to me
was taking it out on myself.
- Like cut?
- Yeah dude, like cutting.
I mean I don't have any scars, I never did it,
but I thought about it.
A lot.
So have you thought about like, I don't know,
doing something to distract yourself like, I mean,
you're a painter, aren't you? - Yeah.
- That's the problem with making your hobby into your job.
It kills the relaxation factor.
- He's right.
- Well then let's hope that no one starts paying you to
make girls uncomfortable at the public library, Dave.
(laughs)
- Maybe I should meet somebody.
- Yeah, dating could be fun.
I mean, if you're ready for it.
You know what?
I am actually on this really great dating app.
Let me text it to you real fast.
- Aren't you still with Amanda?
- No, that was purely sexual.
Be an adult.
- I've been on the app for a while and I love it.
- It's for blind chicks, right?
(laughs)
- Yes.
Okay come on, let's take a picture.
Whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing?
- I need a profile picture, right?
- Yeah, and this app is strictly photo based man, so you
have to make it count. - You were doing duck face.
Don't do duck face, fuck face.
- He helps in his own way.
Okay, here.
Try a high angle and smile.
You don't have to poop.
- Nope.
- Just think of the Holocaust.
(laughs)
- Asshole.
- Okay, do you think we could make it just a little bit more
eye catching?
- Yeah I'm sure I could pump it up.
- Awesome, because I was thinking like a bird but like a
powerful bird, like a blue jay and it's just, it's eyes
are piercing, it's coming at you, you know, something to
tell the people, we're smart, we're capable and we're
understanding, you know?
Like any great bird.
- Right.
- So you think you can make that happen?
- I'm sorry what exactly?
- A bird, a bird, like a blue jay but it's powerful,
you know?
Something to tell the people what we're all about.
- You're a landscaping company.
- Yes.
- And you want a bird?
- I don't want a bird, I want a powerful bird,
that tells the people we're coming for you, you know?
Does that make sense?
- Yes.
- Bird.
(thuds)
(door squeaks)
(shuffling)
- Come on dude, paycheck, paycheck, come on, be there.
Nah, dog.
(phone vibrates)
(acoustic guitar music)
- Alright time for a flaw check.
Minimal acne.
Hairline not receding enough yet.
Eyes could be wider.
Teeth.
Well I did the best I could.
I'd say I'm rocking my substandard genetics at about 110%.
Here goes nothing.
(knocks)
- [Woman] Door's open.
(door creaks)
- Hey it's Neil from the internet.
- I hope so.
Have a seat, stay a while.
(footsteps echo)
(typing)
- So, what do you study?
- Oh I'm in medical school so that's basically my life.
Do you do college?
- No, I didn't even finish high school. (chuckles)
- Cool.
So do you want to have sex?
I can't stay up all night until we get to it organically.
(shuffling)
- Yeah, sure.
(footsteps echo)
- So what are you doing tomorrow?
- Tomorrow is my happy day, I get to sleep in until 10 AM,
then study, I don't have to put pants on ever.
Not even once.
- I just thought maybe-- (loud gasp)
- What time is it?
- It's 10:30.
- Okay, Breaking Bad time.
- You haven't seen it yet?
- I'm studying to be a doctor,
I miss out on pop culture stuff.
You're welcome to leave or stay here.
- Cool.
(guitar music)
♫ When a car drives by my heart starts to pace
♫ I'm trying to go sleep but it just ain't the case
♫ Took me so long to see all these things
♫ And I'll be damned if my phone never rings ♫
Time to get some real work done.
♫ Anywhere for you, it's true
♫ I'm waiting and waiting for you
♫ Just you
♫ Waiting and waiting for you
♫ All night
♫ I'm waiting and waiting for you to make it alright
♫ When you were beside me it felt so good
♫ Slept better than I knew I could, before it was hard ♫
It's just so wild to feel this way.
I know it's sudden, but, she just makes me feel all crazy,
makes my chest feel funny just thinking about her.
- You were with your last partner for a long time.
New things are exciting.
- It's more than that, she's just really honest and direct.
- How often do you see her?
- Just Fridays mostly.
- [Counselor] Mostly?
- Only Fridays, she's in medical school, so she doesn't
have a lot of free time.
- But you talk throughout the week?
- Not exactly, but you know, it's hard being a doctor.
- Yeah, but I mean, I had lots of boyfriends when I was
in medical school, it wasn't that difficult to keep up.
(clock ticks)
- Really?
- I was kind of a slut now that I think about it.
- Good to know.
- I just think it would be good for you not to put all your
eggs in one basket, especially after you've had a huge
life event.
- What do you mean?
- You know, the killing yourself thing.
- I told you I didn't do that.
- And I told you I don't believe you.
I just think you should fill your time with other things
until you see her again.
- I guess so.
- Plus you met her on a hookup app.
- It's not just for hookups.
- Yeah, it is.
I joined and it was like being dipped in a piranha tank.
- You use a dating app?
- Not anymore, I'm not pathetic.
♫ They say the dead don't talk
♫ Why are you not shutting up
♫ Because you're done with him you're dead to me
♫ And the dead don't talk
♫ Gun fire ♫
- Hey man I haven't seen you lately.
- Yeah I just kind of stay in a lot.
- Yeah I know you've been going through a tough time lately.
- It's on Twitter.
- Of course it is.
(commotion, people chatting)
(gasps)
(giggles)
Good to see you, kiddo.
- It's been too long, I feel like it's been too long.
It looks like you're doing good.
I tried to call a few times after I heard.
- Thanks, I'm doing alright though.
- Honestly, I am way too young for someone I slept with
to die.
(laughs)
I mean, even if it was back in high school.
- So far so good, I mean, my brakes aren't making a funny
noise so there's still hope.
- Well, is there anything you need?
- No I'm all good.
- Hey, I thought that was you.
- Oh hey man.
- Oh man I love you.
I hate you.
- Nice to see you too.
You know, I swear she used to like me.
- She never liked you.
- Uh, third grade,
she ate my glue. - I think she just liked
the taste of glue.
(laughs)
- So, how's Amanda?
- We broke up.
- Oh recently?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
Still doing the design work on the side?
- Actually I went full time a couple years ago.
So with the painting and the graphic design I'm actually
doing alright.
- Yeah man, I can never do what you do.
Creating stuff for other people,
it's gotta be hard. - No you just gotta find
something you like in what they like.
- Oh I'm sure.
Look I'm not trying to put you down, I mean, I wish I could
sell out.
- Thanks.
- Well listen man, I really gotta get going but hit me up
sometime, we need to catch up.
- Cool.
I'm still safe.
(keyboard keys clicking)
- Alright I'm almost finished, I said 8:30 and it's 8:28.
- Pretty strict schedule for personal life.
- Well my stepdad used to say that you need to live how
other people won't so you can live how other people can't.
The parenting acumen of Attila The Hun.
But it's work as it can't be beat.
Be right back.
- You okay?
- [Girl] Just a second.
Give me a drum roll.
- What? - [Girl] A drum roll please.
(drumming on leg)
(girl makes mouth noises)
(hums)
- I just don't understand why he'd treat me like that.
- Sounds like an asshole.
- We've been friends forever.
We met in grade school and starting painting together.
- Aw that's cute.
- I just feel like maybe I hurt his feelings or something.
- Maybe.
- Do you have any friends like that?
- Nope, my friends are pretty cool.
- We should all hang out. - And it's time for Breaking
Bad.
Yup.
- Come on just one check, just one.
Of course not.
(guitar music)
♫ If you don't like the gifts then you should leave
♫ Hate this sort of thing then you should go
♫ Wish leaving was like ♫
(chair creaks)
(knocks)
- Yeah?
- I just gotta talk to you about something real quick.
- What's up?
- So today's gonna be my last day, and uh,
I'm out this bitch.
That was supposed to be Back in Black.
- Okay.
- Is the WiFi down or something?
- I don't know.
- Uh, so, today, I'm not gonna be back after today,
and you're a terrible boss, so, I'm gonna go out on my own
and I'm gonna be better for it, and that's about it.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- You uh, you gonna leave?
- Oh yeah.
That's enough for today.
Man I should really black all these things out.
Wait, no, that's a really sad thing to think.
Yikes.
(phone vibrates)
Hello?
No, I'm not doing anything.
- And I said F a bunch of that, and I poured the guy's
coffee down the drain.
- You see, that's exactly why I had to get out of retail
service, the people are so stupid.
- Seriously.
- I worked at the mall, I really didn't mind it that much.
- Yeah but you didn't work during the worst times.
- Christmas, oh my gosh.
- That was seasonal. - The call center was
way better.
- You don't make tips at a call center.
- You can have a tip of my dick.
- Well you would make minimum wage then.
(chuckles)
I don't miss it.
- You don't miss what? - Punching the clock like
the rest of us normies.
- Well it's not easy, but, honestly I'm just really
surprised it's still working out for me.
- But are you really making a living?
I mean, if you wanna live under a bridge while you do it,
but that's not really my thing.
- I do alright.
- Yeah but you don't have kids.
- Or a mortgage.
(clock ticks)
- Are you still seeing that girl Jessie?
- Yes.
- Are you upset because you still don't feel like you
have a penis?
Does it make you feel threatened in this environment?
- You don't have a penis either.
- Don't act like you know me.
- Why do you spend time with friends that make you feel
the worst?
- Because they've been with me through everything.
We put on our first art show together, had our first beers
together.
I just gotta show them that I'm still the cool guy they
used to hang out with. - But you're not.
- Yeah I am.
- No you're not, and that's a good thing.
I only have four hours a week to unwind, do you think we
could do that?
- Yeah, sorry.
- Suit up.
♫ I'm a lot more than that
♫ I wanna change the world but I can't do it
♫ I wanna save myself but I just don't know how ♫
(phone vibrates)
- Hello?
- [Father] Hey buddy.
- Oh, hey Dad.
- [Father] How are you doing?
- I'm alright. - [Father] Glad to hear it.
Word got back to me a little later than I'd like but,
I was worried, - Dad I gotta go, I got a
lot going on, kind of busy. - [Father] Alright buddy,
no problem, but please call me back at this number, okay?
- Alright. - [Father] I'm serious.
Call me back sometime, I miss you.
♫ And I don't live anywhere at all anymore
♫ I don't being here, I never did
♫ If I don't pack my bags ♫
- Fucking asshole.
- Actually, he fucked your mom.
- Shut up.
- Whoa, hey, are you okay?
- It's bullshit.
And he thought about it.
I was perfectly fine with him never even coming back
in my life ever again.
- Yeah but you have talked to him?
- Yeah.
After 11 years.
11 years.
- Did you guys fight?
- Yeah, he thought I wasn't being realistic
about growing up.
Calls got shorter and shorter until they just stopped
altogether miraculously when child support ended.
- I'm sorry.
- I worked hard.
Harder than I ever thought I could.
He said I could never be what I wanted to be and I hated
him so much for it.
I wanted to prove him wrong so bad.
Had it all planned out.
I was gonna strike it stinking rich by the time he hit 70.
Buy the nursing home he was living in.
Replace all the staff with immigrants and minimum wage
workers and totally degrade his health care.
Make sure he died alone in that thin soiled blanket.
Now what, he's just checking in?
Thinks he can just walk right back into my fucking life
like nothing happened?
He made my childhood miserable.
He second guessed everything about my life.
Just a macho asshole, doesn't even deserve me as a son.
He can go fuck himself.
- Okay, so now that that's done, is there anything
constructive that you want to say about it?
- I don't know.
- Well he's probably worried about you, since he heard
about the,
- Yeah probably.
- Call him, but let him know that you're the one in control.
Because you are.
You're not a kid anymore.
- Yeah, you're grown as shit, man.
- You're right. - You're like late 30s, right?
- Thank you for that, thank you, but, I'm just afraid he's
gonna try to turn it around on me and blame it on me
for not calling in. - Then you tell him that
people in glass houses shouldn't jerk off while they take
a shit.
- That actually helps.
♫ You could be doing anything you could be rolling in ♫
My first car I drove for 11 years.
I mistreated it pretty bad.
I was always broke.
And every late oil change, every fast acceleration,
delayed repair.
I knew I could have treated it better.
I was worried all the time about the damage I was doing
and how it would all add up someday.
But eventually I traded it in and it was fine.
I think I worry about consequence too much.
I don't really know what I'm talking about.
♫ It is real, it is real. ♫
I should be afraid of dying though.
Like really.
I'm hungry, hungry is good.
Hungry is the opposite of dead.
I am alive.
(acoustic guitar music)
(phone vibrates)
- [Father] Hey buddy. - Hey.
- [Father] How are you doing?
- Fine.
- I'm glad, I was worried.
- Worried?
Really?
It's been 11 years, I guess you just knew you were gonna
get around to it at some point.
- Now, now, calm down.
- Bad choice of words, I was completely calm and then you
called, so why, what is it and what do you want?
- You're grown up, and I know, I don't really know you
anymore.
- [Neil] Who's fault is that?
- Could I just ask you something?
You ever had something in your life that you regret?
You know there's something pretty big, something that
you kind of take with you wherever you go?
Something that's always kind of in the back of your mind?
- Yeah I guess so.
- Well that's what our relationship is to me.
I mean it got a little rough and I stepped back, but,
stepping back was shameful.
I felt terrible about it.
So terrible I didn't call, because, well it had been
so long.
But it just got worse, you know, I'd wait longer, and it'd
be even more shameful.
(sighs)
Could have gone on forever honestly, but, when I heard
what happened, it was sort of like a wake up call.
I realized I wouldn't always be able to put it off.
This is no excuse, hell, it's barely a worthwhile
explanation, but, it's the truth.
I'm sorry, I really am.
You still there, buddy?
- Yeah, I just don't really know what to say to that.
- If you still want to talk to me I'll take it as a win.
- Well I haven't hung up.
- Tell me about yourself, what are you doing for work?
- I sell paintings and do graphic design.
- Cool, no shit?
That's cool as hell, buddy.
- You were never really a big fan of that.
- Yeah well I'm a stupid old man. (chuckles)
There are plenty of us out there, trust me.
- What about you, what have you been up to?
- I'm retired, old man, remember?
- Not that old.
- You kidding?
You should hear me take a piss.
- It was really great, I just never thought that me and
my dad would actually reconnect.
- Okay, I can't believe this,
you're talking about your dad now?
I can't do this, the finals are coming up and we need
to wrap this up.
- What do you mean?
- Fun, sex and Breaking Bad, I don't know how I could have
been more clear.
- That's what I'm into, it's awesome.
(sighs)
- We met on a hookup app, we slept together on the first
date, you're putting more into this than I want.
- I just had something interesting to talk about.
- You're gonna get hurt if you keep doing this.
It's not what you want.
- It's exactly what I want, I love this.
I like it casual.
- I think what you want is a girlfriend.
- I had a girlfriend, for years.
I'm not looking for anything serious.
- You should spend your time trying to find someone who
wants to do these things with you, you're wasting your time
with me when you could be meeting people or making art.
You want to spend your life with someone and there's no
shame in that.
But if you keep hanging out with the wrong people,
you're gonna lose all this time and you won't even know it
until it's gone.
- Wow.
You're right. - I know.
- I just can't believe you put it so simply.
- Smart girls can like sex too, you know.
- Yeah I deserve that.
♫ Heartbreak, heartbreak ♫
The worst is going to sleep after something bad happens.
So I don't.
♫ Heartbreak, fucking heartbreak
♫ Fucking heartbreak ♫
I have an incredible amount of sauce packets.
Save a couple every time I go out to eat.
They're always there when I need them.
Sometimes I forget they're here because I don't really need
them so I throw them away.
It's because they're free so who cares?
I spent a lot of time learning that sauce packets and I
have a lot in common.
♫ Just make it loud enough to raise the fucking dead
♫ I'll never get your voice out of my head
♫ Heartbreak, heartbreak ♫
Is it weird sometimes I forget I'm not a vampire?
Yes, that's, that's weird.
- That's the name of the game, easy come, easy go.
Except, you know, come's spelled different.
- Right.
- I met this one girl on the app, she was really into
daddy-daughter play, so we did it, and then I never spoke
to her again.
I figured since her dad left, I would just commit
to the role.
- I just really liked her.
- Yeah that's why you swiped right.
- No not like that, like,
I thought we really got along well together.
- But, she just wanted to hook up,
because that's what the app's for, right?
- I guess so.
- Did you ever tell her you wanted more?
- No, not exactly.
- There's no room for unclear shit in dating.
You've gotta have it down pat.
How can you ever get what you want if you don't ask?
- I guess I never really thought about it like that.
- Do you think I would ever get to pee on a girl
if I didn't ask?
- And we're back to normal.
- Hey, it's a horrible and disgusting metaphor,
but it's still a metaphor.
(guitar music)
- The heart is the strongest muscle in the human body,
and it can take just about anything.
- Yeah. - Once I was locked out
of the house, the new lock and deadbolt were my divorce
papers being served.
She kept my guitar, got my guns.
And I'm pretty sure if I still hadn't had my bike,
I'd be done.
But the funny thing is, that was so terrible, but now,
today, I have to really think to even remember it.
Back then that was the end of the goddamn world.
I remember riding my bike away on the highway with tears
in my eyes.
I was three or four years older than you are now.
I was positive my life was over.
And I went back to the clubhouse and slept on the couch
by the pool table.
It was grim shit, and I woke up the next day and apparently
I just went forward, always forward.
- I guess that's a good way to look at it.
- You know no matter how bad things are, just remember,
you aren't sleeping on a couch that smells like biker piss.
So you're doing alright.
- Still riding your bike?
- No way, too rough on the prostate.
When you get to be my age,
everything you think about is down there.
You think maybe, later in the year
I could maybe come out and visit?
It's cool if you don't want me to, I understand.
- No yeah, it's cool, we can't wait another 11 years, right?
- No, we certainly can't.
Let me see if any of my old buddies are still in town that
I can crash with.
- Just stay here.
- You sure about that?
- Yeah, I mean, I have a couch and it doesn't smell like
biker piss.
(chuckles)
(clock ticking)
I just really don't want to hear I told you so.
- Therapists never say I told you so.
That's pretty much just implied.
Any developments with your father?
- Yeah, we talked.
And he also made me feel a lot better about stuff.
He's coming to visit.
- That's excellent, how does it make you feel?
- Nervous.
Kind of scared to see him
because things aren't going so well.
- Fear is just excitement wearing a fake mustache.
- I guess so.
Going to see my old friends again tonight.
- The ones who talked down to you?
- That's not entirely true. - Right.
But back to your father, this new development is going to
help you immensely.
It's safe to say most of your problems stem from your
relationship with your father.
- Well that just makes me feel like a cliche.
- You're absolutely cliche.
Artists pretty much all tied back to the parents
one way or another.
- So just like that?
We're all the same?
- Virtually.
Artists are simple, they just want to be complicated.
Now pharmacy tech or something?
Those people are seriously fucked up.
- It's the first sketch I've done in the last couple weeks
that I've actually liked.
Think I'm gonna paint it.
- Well I mean, it's not terrible.
- Yeah, I just really don't like it.
- What do you mean? - It's not particularly,
- You know I was thinking it's, it's more like,
it's not interesting. - Like we've seen it before.
- Oh definitely.
- And I didn't really like it the first or the second time.
- Exactly.
- So, big shot artist, you gonna buy us some drinks?
- Yeah, drinks would be sweet, like old times man.
- Yeah, sure.
♫ He's got no time for his life or his friends ♫
(acoustic guitar music)
- I'm just saying, what was that?
My artwork gets a raw deal, that's all I'm saying.
- Hey man, I mean, it's a bullshit business.
No one gets paid.
- It's not easy getting paid.
- Well, we aren't all like you.
All you ever do is talk about yourself.
Always trying to get attention.
- Yeah but isn't that the whole point?
- It's about the work, not us.
- I bet the whole suicide thing was just a way to get
attention for his shit.
- Dude.
- I've had a few too many man.
It's probably time for us to Uber out of here.
- Yeah, we'll call you up man.
- Thanks for the drinks.
- I'm a fucking joke.
- No you're not.
- Then what am I?
- You're my buddy, you've always been my buddy.
- Thanks.
- Well let me tell you something about Steve and Wayne.
They're two boys that grew up to be mean men.
And you know they're just jealous of you, you know that,
right?
- How so?
- You're not washing dishes or working at a drive through
liquor store, you're actually doing something you enjoy,
whether you're willing to admit it or not.
- I just feel like, every time I start to like myself,
everyone stops.
- It's not true.
We take for granted the people that love us, and we remember
the ones that hurt us, it's just human nature.
- Yeah I guess so.
- You remember after graduation, the girl that dumped you?
The heavy one?
- Flower? - Yeah.
Except it was spelled Flour. (laughs)
Total space cadet.
- Space cadets are nice.
She was stupid.
Like ragefully stupid.
- You remember how when she broke up with you and she
hated you, you chased her so hard?
I know that was stupid, right?
Feel any better?
- A little bit.
I'm sorry.
My Dad's coming to see me tomorrow and I think it's just
messing with my head.
- Whoa, wait, your Dad?
The motorcycle one, the one you haven't spoken to
in 10 years?
- Yeah. - Oh my God,
everything's gonna be okay, you're gonna do this,
oh my gosh.
You know I love you right?
- Yeah.
♫ Just laugh ♫
Just stay cool, yeah, you haven't seen the guy in a long
time but it's not a big deal.
Just keep it together, be normal.
It's nothing, just pretend he's a mail man or something.
Like you know him but you don't know him.
No biggy right?
No, it's no biggy.
It's going to be cool.
Shit, did he hear me?
Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck.
- You alright, buddy?
- Yeah, I'm great.
- I was worried this was gonna be awkward.
- Not at all.
This should be pretty comfortable I think.
- Falling asleep while you're sucking on
a glass titty a lot, huh? - Yeah.
- Well, just as long as you're not doing it while you're
cranking one off, sheets are fresh, right?
- Fresh as monkey's breath.
- Good enough for an old man.
- If you want to watch TV or something, I can show you
how the remote works.
- I'm not that old okay?
Anyway I wanted to chat with you for a while.
I can see you're on edge, I hope I'm not being
too disruptive.
- No, it's not you.
- Because you know, I mean, I get it,
there's been shit between us.
- Yeah but, I'm glad you're here.
- So uh, what's trying to push it's way up your colon?
- I was, I saw some friends last night
and they treated me like shit.
- How is that?
- They just hate my art and they...
- Alright, you can spill it.
- Nothing's ever good enough.
Nothing's ever cool enough.
- So they're titans of industry?
- Not really.
- Well I mean, gotta be at least one of them
that's president of the United States, right?
- No.
- Huh.
Strange.
- They're really talented though.
- So talented that they gotta keep you in your place
so you don't hold a mirror up to their bullshit existence.
- I don't know.
- Well in the words of a great poet, they can suck a dick
up until they hiccup.
You know I used to have friends like those, never had
anything nice to say, always picking everything apart.
You know what happened with them?
They're all dead.
Well not literally, I mean, I don't know.
But their life sucks so hard they should be living in
a Taiwanese whorehouse.
Toxic people, dump 'em.
- You're not wrong.
You okay?
- I'm so sorry.
I know I should have been there to give you advice,
and try to make you laugh when you were hurt.
God I am such a piece of shit.
I should have grown up about the whole thing.
- It's okay.
- No it's not, don't make excuses, stop making excuses.
I have been making excuses my whole life,
and it has got to stop now.
I wanna be your Dad.
I'm old and I'm broken.
And I know you shouldn't take me in, but I'm hoping you
suffer a lapse in good judgment.
(sniffles, sobs)
- I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry.
I loved you since the day you were born.
You came out, I saw that you were as perfect as your
mother was.
I just hope you might be willing to learn to love me back.
I know I'm late, but I'm here.
- I'm really glad you called. - Look I had to.
Once I realized that someday I wouldn't be able to.
I just hope you'll never do anything like that again.
- I didn't try to kill myself.
- Say what?
- It was an accident, but nobody believes me.
I was cleaning my house drunk, and, the bleach bottle looked
exactly like the bottle that my buddy brought over filled
with this nasty homemade liquor.
I took a sip and dialed 911 as I was passing out.
(laughs)
- That is a hell of a thing.
- You're not mad?
- Are you kidding me?
I'm just glad you didn't do it on purpose, oh God,
I haven't done stupid shit like that in my whole life.
(laughs)
You alright?
- Yeah I'm okay.
- Good.
Well, I guess this old man better get to sleep before he
blubbers all over you some more.
- Yeah it's getting late.
- Hey.
I love you buddy.
- I love you too.
(car rumbles)
- What are you doing here?
- Want to kiss and stuff?
- Yeah.
(smooches, guitar music)
♫ Tell yourself nothing's wrong
♫ Better to be alone ♫
- Want to sex?
- Yeah.
♫ Things could only get better ♫
Just a sec.
♫ Never say, never say ♫
Damnit, I had a box.
- I want you.
- I have condoms down here, hold on a second.
- 9/11 was an inside job.
- What?
(gasps)
What the fuck?
Are you kidding me?
(birds chirp)
It's time to wake up old man.
Hey I've got some Bran cereal,
I know you old dudes like Bran.
Hey.
(snaps fingers)
Hey.
(acoustic guitar music)
♫ This is my favorite thing that's against me ♫
Yeah, my dad is not moving.
I just found him this way, I don't know what to do.
♫ Sit in my car and ♫
Get my address and please send somebody.
He's cold, I don't know what to do.
- Hey I'm here if you need anything.
Anything you want.
- Okay.
- You wanna talk?
Or we don't have to talk, we can just sit here and be
hanging out, or if you want we can watch a movie.
- I don't know.
- I can lay in bed and hold you until you fall asleep?
- I'd really like that.
- Hey, I have to work at 8 but I'll stay until then okay?
- Okay.
- I'll just sneak out after you fall asleep.
- I didn't know you had so much experience sneaking out
of beds in the morning.
- Only in my youth.
Come here.
- I wrote you a song.
I hope you like it.
(strums guitar)
♫ Neil's an asshole
♫ He's a piece of shit
♫ Neil sucks dick
♫ He sucks penises
♫ And I hope he dies
♫ He needs to die, die, die
♫ Neil's an asshole
♫ Neil is Jewish
♫ And that's not the worst part
♫ Because he's a fucking asshole ♫
Thank you!
(Neil laughing)
(pats back)
- I love you.
(kissing)
- I love you, buddy.
- Wasn't such a bad guy.
- I know.
You should go to the funeral. - I can't.
- Sure you can.
You make your own schedule, you're a big shot.
- It's too far of a drive.
- Now don't act like you couldn't use a trip.
Drive out there, it'll be good for you.
I'll even pay for it.
- I can handle the trip, Mom.
- Well, at least get a good dinner while you're gone.
- You never stop do you?
- Can't stop, won't stop.
♫ I hate my hair
♫ I hate my voice
♫ But I've no choice it's what my genes say
♫ Make me this way
♫ I guess that's okay
♫ I like my job
♫ I like my wife
♫ This is my life I guess I will stay
♫ At least one more day
♫ I guess that's okay
♫ But there are times when I wonder if what I do
♫ Makes a difference to you
♫ Who are listening
♫ I've got no kids, I've got no progeny ♫
(people chatting)
- Hey lonely.
- Hi.
- I'm Linda.
- I'm Neil, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
- Rough day, huh?
- Yeah, but, this is supposed to be rough, so, I guess
we're on track.
I have to go check on the kitchen, but,
you should text me or something.
- I will.
- You grieving or just like eating people's cold cuts?
- No I, - I'm just kidding, c'mon man.
No really, who are you?
- Eddie was my dad. - No shit, you're Neil.
- Yeah.
- Good to see you man.
- Yeah. - Oh, sorry.
My bad.
I'll pick that up later.
Last time I saw you you were as tall as my dick,
granted that's pretty tall, but,
- You saw me back then?
- Yeah, your dad and I go way back, we were inseparable,
we were together for like 30 years.
Oh and uh, that hot little number you were talking to,
that's your half sister.
You might want to stick that in the old brain computer.
- I will. - Yeah, it's a little creepy.
Eddie uh, come to terms?
You guys been talking?
- We started talking, he actually passed away the day after.
- Dude I'm so sorry.
I really am.
- Thank you.
- [Man] How long are you in town for?
- Just until tomorrow. - No.
No, stay an extra day, come hunting with me.
- I'm not really much of a hunter.
- Hunting is code for drinking beer and bullshitting.
Come on, what do you got to lose?
Come play with me. - Alright.
- Yes, good. - Okay.
- You even smell good, God I can't wait till tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Good. - Yep.
- See you then. - Alright.
- So I made a lawnmower out of watches.
It was a waste of time. - What?
- Waste of time.
You know kid, you have what medical professionals call
a sour puss.
I'm trying to break it for you.
So loosen up.
So.
You twist it, just twist.
There you go, so, there's two guys on the train, they've
been eating clams all day, clams are bad, I mean really bad.
Well it finally hit the first guy right in the gut.
He's gotta go, so he heads right to the bathroom, starts
shitting his guts out.
Just as that happens, clams hit the other guy just like
punch him right in the colon, like donkey punch him right
in the butt hole, right?
He's gotta go, he ain't got no place to go because the
other guy's in the bathroom, what's he gonna do?
Drops his drawers, sticks his ass right out the window,
just as he sticks his ass out of the window,
train goes by two hobos.
This guy starts shitting his guts out the back, out the
window, one hobo looks at the other and goes "Frank,
"I thought you could chew tobacco, Jesus Christ."
- Oh my God.
(chuckles)
- See?
I knew you were a sick son of a bitch just like your
old man.
This wildlife ain't gonna kill itself.
(insects buzz, foliage shuffles)
You remember the dog?
- The dog?
- Yeah.
Back in the day, your dad had, careful.
Back in the day, your dad had to get around,
he couldn't have you right
on the back of the bike, you were too small.
So he got a bungee cord and he strapped you to his chest.
Kind of like a papoose or something.
Then he'd go riding the bike, the two of you together,
that way he could safely get you around.
- That sounds real safe.
- It's the 80s.
We didn't know kids could die yet.
Anyways, so you dad's out riding and he's got you
strapped to his chest and he hits a dog.
Now your dad being who he is, he didn't think it was right
just to leave a dog laying in the road.
So he took it upon himself to scoop the dog up and go door
to door trying to find out who owned the dog.
- That's really great of him.
- Yeah. (chuckles)
Yeah could you imagine the big biker standing on your
doorstep, bloody dog in his hand and a kid strapped
to his chest?
I mean, what a sight.
I'm surprised they didn't call the cops on him.
- Probably too afraid to.
- Probably.
You go.
(heavy breathing)
Ever hear the story about your old man's finger?
It's this finger, you know this finger?
- I'm familiar with that, - Right here?
- I don't know the story, yep.
- Well, this one night your dad and I in the garage,
and your dad's got his head to the motor,
and some idiot turns it on.
Wasn't me.
Anyway, cuts his finger clean off, I mean, it disappears
and we can't find it, we look everywhere.
And then finally your dad's like look, I have to go to
the hospital, and I'm like, I promise I will keep looking
for your finger until I find it.
- Did you?
- Yeah, it was sitting on a shelf about four feet off the
ground just all nice and pretty like it belonged there,
just chilling, just hanging out.
Had to stop by McDonald's and stick it in a cup of ice,
should have seen the girl behind the counter,
she freaked out.
Had to take it to the hospital for your Dad.
- You guys had some times.
- Yeah.
Had the best of times.
- This is such bullshit.
- We all gotta die, kid.
- Yeah but right when we start talking again,
and on my fucking couch, man.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
- The same year my fucking girlfriend leaves me, and,
I just feel like a piece of shit all the time.
- You see that?
That right there?
That's your problem.
You gotta live with the fact that nothing good ever happens.
- Thanks, I feel a lot better now.
- The universe doesn't give a shit.
The universe doesn't know good and bad.
We're the ones that know good and bad.
You have to make good things happen, and you have to
appreciate them when they do.
You're responsible for yourself, so grow the fuck up.
You understand?
Make good things happen.
And have the balls to appreciate them when they do.
Your dad knew that.
(knocking on door)
- I know this is weird, but, um,
could I possibly use your restroom?
- I'm sorry, I don't do that.
- Well maybe, I can explain why I'm like this and how
uncomfortable this is, I know it's an uncomfortable
situation, down the street here I'm a clown, I was doing a
children's party and this little monster, I'm sorry,
your neighbor insisted that I share a hot dog with her.
And being a vegan it's done horrible things to my intestinal
tract, if you could, just be a pal and just for second,
just for a second let me use the facility?
I can show you my ID.
- Fine, do whatever, it's fine.
(door creaks)
- Oh thank you, thank you so much.
Hey dude, dude, you got any toilet paper?
- Yeah I just got some hold on a sec.
Oh dude, what the fuck?
- Hey, I'm sorry, I'm like viciously claustrophobic,
I have to leave the door open.
But if you want me ever out of here
then please just pass the TP.
(clown grunts)
Oh nice hand off, thank you so much, thank you so much.
Hey, dude, you okay?
- Yeah, I mean, besides this whole thing.
- You kind of look a little bleary eyed, like bloodshot.
- I'm fine, I just really don't want to talk about it
like this.
- I'm sorry, I never met anybody who didn't poop before.
(laughs)
You ought to be in the Guinness Book of World Records
or something for that one.
Really, you're not looking too good, I, you know,
I read people for a living, if anything I can do to
be of assistance here, I can be like, think of my as your
poop priest doing a confessional for you and, (laughs)
come on, spill your guts while I spill mine. (farts)
- I'm fine, things just haven't been panning out.
- Well what's bothering you man?
Is it like, (farts) boyfriend problems, girlfriend problems?
- No, why'd you say boyfriend first?
- You have to find something bigger to love than that, man,
that's how you find happiness.
Before I realized I was a performer,
I used to sell insurance.
And it was okay, you know, it paid pretty good, but,
I woke up every just so goddamn sad.
You have anything in your life that you could just wrap
your heart around and get into and hold onto
as like an anchor?
- I mean, I paint and I draw.
- Well there you go, that's kind of cool.
- Yeah, but I do it for a living,
and it kind of gets a little mundane.
- You just gotta ask yourself two questions in life.
Speaking of number 2, (farts)
will doing what you love make you happy?
- I guess so.
- Well then the next question is that, do you want to
be happy?
Man seriously, thanks, you saved my, don't worry, I washed
my hands by the way. - I know, I saw,
and thank you. - Thank you so much, man.
All in a day's work.
(horn toots)
By the way, you've got mail.
- Thank you.
Yes, yes.
- So, are you going to tell me
why you missed our last appointment?
- I went to the funeral.
- For your father?
- Yeah.
- How did it make you feel?
- How do you think it made me feel?
- Better?
- Yeah, it did.
- I'm glad to hear that, is there something else on your
mind that's putting you in a bad mood?
- I can't stop thinking about the guys.
I just always thought they were here for me, and now
I really don't know.
- Let's try an exercise.
Pretend I'm your friends that have hurt you.
Say to me what you want to say to them.
- Isn't that something you do with eight year olds?
- I can give you a juice box afterward.
Just try it, just open your mouth and let it come out.
- Well I'm pissed.
Come into my life and then judge everything about it.
- Well, you do stupid things, like try to kill yourself.
- I didn't...
- They are saying this to you.
- Why would you notice?
When I was low, when I was depressed.
When I couldn't get out of bed.
You laughed at me.
You made fun of me because I couldn't get shit done.
You didn't think I heard about it but I did.
So what did I do?
I got up.
And now you hate me because I'm doing too much.
I can't win.
I pick myself up on my own, and that's fine.
But I don't deserve to die.
I don't deserve to die.
So fuck you.
Fuck off.
Because I got everything I need.
- Don't give them what you just gave me.
They don't deserve it.
- Right.
- Is there anything else you need to get out?
- Hey. - Hey, what brings you here?
- I just need to talk to you real quick.
- Sure.
- You're a great friend.
And I think about you all the time.
So I think we should go out to make a lot of sense together.
- I really appreciate that.
But I like us as friends.
Not really looking for anything more than that.
- You know what?
It's okay.
- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I just better get going.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
- I really am okay.
Being friends with you is a pretty great consolation prize.
I just got some important stuff I gotta take care of
so I'll talk to you later okay?
- Take care.
(whimsical music)
No excuses.
♫ How do you do what you do after dealing with what's done
♫ Smiling statues standing ground
♫ While I turn tail and run
♫ How do you do what you do with the trap cards
♫ You're dealt
♫ Turning deuces into kings while dealers bite the felt
♫ Oh no not me I can barely talk
♫ Oh no not me
♫ I can't chew the book ♫
(pounding on door)
- It's open.
(door creaks)
- I'm gonna need a tip for delivering in this neighborhood.
(chuckles)
- Hey how's it going man?
Is it done?
- Yeah, have a look.
Is it good?
- What do you mean is it good?
Oh my God, dude, this is great.
- I think you're just asking to be a dick, you know you
can paint good and shit.
- Hey do you guys mind if we watch Breaking Bad?
I've kind of been rewatching it.
- Yeah. - Whatever man.
- Hey you got any drink?
- Yeah in the fridge. - Cool.
(acoustic guitar music)
♫ It's much more comfortable
♫ My fingers are not much to be happy with a dollar
♫ This is not a time to be overly impressed or proud
♫ These are not the lyrics you were hoping I'd scribble down
♫ Everything sounds so sweet until it's on the page
♫ Oh everything sounds amazing until you're living it
♫ But it's another city with nothing to eat
♫ It's another town with nowhwere but my car to sleep
♫ It doesn't sound so ridiculous until I say it out loud
♫ Everything sounds so strange when I try to explain it
♫ Oh everything sounds this crazy until you're living it
♫ But I'm highly adaptable
♫ Dum, dum, dum, dum
♫ And I wear this guilt like a medal
♫ Da da dum, da da dum
♫ No, no, there is no problem
♫ It's just that everything sounds self destructive
♫ Until you see it
♫ Finally seen that look on strangers faces
♫ And I'm doing my best not to crack a smile
♫ Because maybe I get a little satisfaction
♫ Being looked down on
♫ Like a fuck up, like a piece of trash
♫ Because god fucking dammit I know what I am
♫ And I like to be right, yeah
♫ Da da dum, da da dum
♫ And I wear this guilt like a medal
♫ Da da dum, da da dum
♫ No, no, there is no problem
♫ It's just that everything sounds self destructive
♫ until you see it
♫ And the days pass like seconds
♫ And the nights, they take years
♫ And your voice is thousands of miles away
♫ And I wish I didn't have to keep explaining myself
♫ Like this it wanes my confidence
♫ I wish it weren't the truth
♫ I don't believe in myself
♫ I'm afraid that I don't believe in myself
♫ It doesn't actually matter what
♫ The lyrics to the song even are
♫ If I don't believe in myself
♫ Then how can I expect any better?
♫ Two, three, four
♫ Da da dum, da da dum
♫ And I wear this guilt like a medal
♫ Da da dum, da da dum
♫ I swear I'm doing alright
♫ It's just that everything sounds so fresh
♫ When I open my mouth
♫ And everything seems so alright
♫ When no one's around.
♫ Everything is just perfect
♫ I promise
♫ How I wish that were true
- Miracles happen every day.