For as long as I can remember,
the three of us have always been best friends.
Even when we were babies,
me, Lonnie, and Dom shared the same crib.
We were tight, like brothers.
But we all had our own dreams.
G, let me down.
Lonnie dreamed of two things.
Mmm.
First was that Rolonda loved him as much as he loved her.
Huh?
But all she loved was his money.
He also wanted to be a big inventor.
My boy Dom.
He just loved the music.
As for me, well, I was built to be a professional athlete.
Yeah, I was gonna be the best boxer
to come out of South Philly since Rocky.
I was gonna be the Black Stallion!
Dag, this burns!
Oxygen.
$2 Tuesday was karate night.
Hyah!
Sometimes my cousin Randall would chill with us.
He had a thing for candyjacking.
I want it chilly up in here!
You now on Cha Ching's most-wanted list.
That's why we called him "No Good. "
We went from boys to men together.
And the three of us moved into Lonnie's Uncle Virgil's house.
It was just temporary until we could find a better place.
You have a ride home, XiXi?
Yes, Father.
Don't be late.
Yes, Father.
Give your father kiss.
Bye, Father.
Look. We can go in Uncle Virgil's room.
He got one of them orthopedic beds.
Guess who.
- Alvena? - No.
Mm. Hold up. Ooh.
Ooh! Rashida.
Oh, no, no. This is Laquida.
Unh-unh-unh! This is Tamika.
You got one more chance to get it.
Or you won't be making it to your next fight.
Hey, baby.
I knew it was you. I was just having fun.
Sorry I'm late.
Had to get a ride from my father.
Does your pops know you came to see me?
Yes.
Come on, baby. You know that's not cool.
Forget about my father.
I love you.
That's what matters.
Hey, Lonnie!
Make a wish, Lon.
I wish Rolonda was here.
Ho-londa!
Get out the way!
- Big Swoll in the house. - You got your wish.
Can I get her for my birthday, too?
Happy birthday, boyfriend.
Rolonda.
Don't stop.
I was beginning to think that you weren't gonna show.
You know Ro-Ro wouldn't miss her Lonnie's birthday party.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
This right here is my cousin Big Swoll.
He just got out the penitentiary.
Hey, Big Swoll.
It's good to meet a member of the family.
Yeah, I'm all right, Johnny.
Happy birthday, man.
You know, Rolonda, I was thinking that...
Ooh! Cake.
That's what I want. Some cake.
I haven't eaten in two whole hours.
And for some reason, I just can't stop eating.
Ooh. There it is.
Nia.
You looked so busy at work today.
I'm surprised to see you here.
The studio was really busy today.
How could I miss one of your famous parties?
Yeah, and you're wearing that top that I love so much.
That's 'cause I want you to take it off.
Just a second, baby.
Go, Daddy, go.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
That's cute.
Oh!
Mmm! Ooh!
I'm here now. I'm here.
Oh.
You know, I...
I have these feelings.
I want to take care of you, Rolonda.
And I was thinking we could get our own place
and maybe get married someday.
Damn, Lonnie.
That's real sweet, baby.
Nigger ain't never said no shit like that before.
So you think maybe we could...
Oh. 10:30, boo.
You know what that mean.
What? My show is on.
Up next, "Compton 90221."
My show is on, too.
We can't be cleaning up like this.
We gotta hire ourselves a maid.
What are you complaining about?
I'm the one on my hands and knees.
I thought that was your favorite position.
- Good morning, guys. - Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong, man?
What's wrong, Lon?
I'm a year older, and I'm still here with you two guys
at my Uncle Virgil's house.
You know what you sound like right now, man?
Nah. What?
A bitch.
Yeah. Seriously, Lonnie.
You don't want to mess around with a good thing.
I mean, take a look around you.
We got the tight bachelor pad.
We could do whatever we want. I mean, this is it.
We made it, man.
Right there, dawg.
Mm! Ta-dow!
You better clean this damn mess up before you leave.
I know that.
Whip some ass up in here.
This is it?
Getting yelled at like schoolchildren?
I mean, I thought I'd be further along in my life by now.
You know, have my own family.
My own place.
One of these days you guys are gonna grow up.
You 12 minutes late.
I dock paycheck.
Look, Cha Ching, I know we got friction between us
on account that I took that Kit Kat seven years ago.
And Bit-O-Honey. Milky Way. Black licorice.
And case of Coors.
What's "ricorrish"?
Licorice.
Licorice!
Don't play language game with me.
You now 14 minutes late.
Good talk.
Dang Ling, I can't understand a damn word your daddy say.
Great first half, kids.
You missed five calls, you four-eyed punk.
Rolonda! Peaches!
What are you doing here?
We need to talk.
I'm all ears.
Mama dear is gonna go wait over there.
Remember that time we was watching "Compton 90221"
and Swapmisha had told Dante that she was pregnant?
How could I forget it?
Point is, Swapmisha wasn't the only one got knocked up.
- You mean I'm gonna be a daddy? - It's yours.
Just forget it, Lonnie.
'Cause I can't take care of no baby on my income alone.
Daddy also has a job at the Sanitation Department.
And I just got a job yesterday at Piggy Smalls' Pizzeria.
You know my Uncle Virgil raised me right, girl.
And I want to do the same for our child, Ro-Ro.
I'm gonna take care of the both of you.
You so good to me, Lonnie.
Don't want to give me that, huh?
Come on. Come on.
G, we need to talk. Are you busy?
What it look like, baby?
Is everything okay?
G, I'm pregnant.
We're going to have a baby.
Hey, Dominic.
Your next appointment is here.
Send them in.
Yo, Dommie Dom.
You gotta be kidding me.
It's the Brothas Stylz.
- This is you? - Oh, hell, yeah.
- Yo, you gots to put us on. - True.
All right. Yo, we might be wizzle.
But our lyzzles be clizzle blizzle.
You feel me, dawg?
Words.
Okay.
Go ahead and spit.
Whatever.
Someone should tell them they're white.
Oh, hey, Nia. What's up?
What? I thought I had the studio till 12:00.
No, no. It's not that.
Hold up.
Listen. I...
What?
What is it?
Calm down, Dom. You look whiter than usual.
So, Dom, she gonna have it?
Yeah. She's gonna have it at home.
- What kind of shit is that? - I don't know.
She said it's gonna empower her as a woman or some bullshit.
My life is over.
I'm done. Finished.
The three of us.
Daddies.
Ain't it great?
I think we should do daddy training so we can do it right.
Yeah. That's it.
You know? Do what our fathers didn't do.
Oh!
Ooh.
Oh, what's that?
A little porn?
Check it out.
They got her in stirrups and everything.
Make that move, mama.
Damn! Look at the size of that thing.
Looks like an alien.
- Oh! - Ew!
Ew!
I'm Annabelle Sinclair.
And I'll be your birthing/child-rearing expert.
And I am here to guide you through the journey
that your child is gonna take from the womb
to the pink or blue bedroom.
I'd like to open the floor for any pre-birthing questions.
Anybody?
Yes?
You know, is it cool to still hit the skins during pregnancy?
He asking if it's all right to still be tappin' that ass.
Oh, sure.
Feel free to get your swerve on throughout the pregnancy.
Damn.
Don't be embarrassed, dear.
I ain't.
Flatulence is very normal during pregnancy.
So let 'em rip!
Oh, cool.
Pregnant people, fool.
Well, hell, I had to let it go, baby.
I'm gonna hand out these balls.
And I want you to put them between your knees, okay?
Here you go. You take this.
That's right. Place it right there.
Hey, Nia. Sorry, hon.
Dominic.
This is Venus, my doula.
What's a doula?
A midwife.
I gotta talk to you outside. Come on.
Okeydoke. Now we're gonna simulate labor.
So I would like for everyone
to get into their most comfortable positions.
That's right.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Well, you invited me here.
Look, it was my decision to have this baby.
And it was a fling, Dom.
An office fling.
Dominic, you don't have to be here.
We've discussed this.
Domineech.
Hey, Dom. It's Louie.
Yo. What's up?
Um...
Give me, like, hour and a half.
I think that you're gonna find natural childbirth
to be loving, blissful, and wonderful.
I want drugs!
Lonnie, I can't take this pain!
Lonnie!
Is there anything else I can get you?
Crank! Crack!
Horse tranquilizer, nigger!
I want drugs!
- Okay. Hold on. - Gin and juice!
I'm gonna get the nurse. Nurse!
Is there a nurse? Nurse!
Oh!
What happened, baby? You drop some pickle juice?
It's my water.
- Your water? - The baby's coming.
Oh, jeez. Okay.
Okay, baby. Breathe.
Cleanup, aisle 3!
Daddy! Daddy!
Get Grandpa!
You have a baby here?
No! No! No! No one have baby here!
Grandpa Bling Bling doctor in China.
Grandpa?
Okay. Okay.
Baby, breathe.
Watch out! I'm going in.
What the hell?
Hey, man, what you doing? What you doing?
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Okay. Let's go.
Ro, Mama Peaches in the house, baby,
with something to ease your pain.
You can't smoke in here.
Shut your punk ass up, Urkel.
"You can't smoke in... "
Here you go, Ro.
Mama got something for you.
Here you go, baby. A little sip. There you go.
You just take yourself a little sip, now.
- Relax. - It hurts!
Breathe, baby. Breathe.
- You did this to her. - Huh?
- G, baby. - Yeah, baby?
Talk to me. Say anything.
Well, that's what your daddy always tells me.
Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo! Whoo! - Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Nia? Nia, I got your voice mail.
I came as soon as I could.
- Late again. - Just breathe.
Oh, my God. What the hell is that?
Call the doctor.
It's a home birth, idiot. She's crowning.
Aren't you supposed to boil water or something?
Why don't you stay in the kitchen with it?
Jesus. I...
Push it, Ro!
Push it good.
Push it.
Push it, Ro-Ro.
Push it, now.
Get your ass in there and get it out, Doctor!
We're trying to create a serene atmosphere here.
You're not helping.
This drug-free idea is not helping, either.
- Get out of the way. - Why don't you go home?
Oh, God.
Holy shit. Come on. Ow!
The baby's coming.
Come on! Baby coming!
Baby not coming. It's stuck.
What do you mean, stuck?
Grandma! Crisco, aisle 4! Stat!
- What? - What?
Oh, no. Breathe, baby.
Here you are. A little shorty.
Let's hear it for the homey.
It's okay.
It's got a big thing!
It's an umbilical cord, Fat Albert.
You did great, baby.
I'm a daddy!
Carver. Yeah.
- Bruce Leroy. - Like George Washington Carver.
- Say hello. - I'm a daddy.
I'm a daddy!
- Jasmine. - You should see his eyes.
She's Jasmine, and she's beautiful.
You are the cutest baby in all the world.
And he smell like shit.
Baby, oh.
Now would be a good time to learn how to diaper your son.
You know what? That sounds like fun, baby.
But I gotta get to my sparring session.
I got that fight coming up. So, you know, I gotta get ready.
You pay for juice out of paycheck!
How the hell he see me back here with this?
Don't you remember? I told you I was working tonight.
Uh, yeah.
You forgot, didn't you?
- Uh... - Mm-hmm.
Wait.
Okay. Look, baby. I forgot.
I'm sorry. All right, baby?
But look. I can't miss training.
Boxing is gonna be our way out of here.
I can't work for your pops forever.
Hey, I was born to fight.
Why wait? I kick your ass right now.
You know what? Bring it on, Grandma.
You know, your grandmama got a big mouth.
Come shut it for me, fat-ass.
- Mama. Come on. - Whoo!
Anytime, Grandma Jackie Chan.
Hey, I know how important your training is to you.
But still, I think it's time for you to take a more active role
in raising Bruce Leroy.
- Hey, baby. - Hey.
Look at Daddy.
You're right, boo.
It's just that I get a little nervous
when I'm with him by myself.
G, you can do this.
Thanks, guys.
Later, chump.
Hey, Tupac.
How you doing, Tupac?
Now, that is nice. Yes. That's real nice.
I got watches, DVDs, candy.
What you want? Skittles?
Cost you a dollar at the store.
I'll give you two for 50 cents.
Uh, no, thank you, Tupac. I'm okay.
Nigger, you ain't never got no money!
You always broke!
Hey!
I have exciting news.
You got Princess Ro-Ro's allowance?
No. I enrolled us in Mommy & Me classes this weekend.
Oh, I ain't going to that. Mnh-mnh.
It's gonna conflict with my strip-aerobics class.
And you know I got to lose this extra little baby fat.
'Sides, my mama ain't never took me nor Tupac
to none of them classes, and we turned out just fine.
And what's up with all this
"you got to be with your baby" stuff lately?
What you trying to say? I ain't a good mama?
No. It's not that.
I thought it'd be nice
if we spent some quality time together as a family.
Maybe we could start by having a family dinner tonight.
Mnh-mnh.
Tonight's ladies' night at the club.
I told you I needed you to babysit.
No, you didn't.
Look, we could go on all night
with this "he say, she say, she say, he say" stuff.
But I say your ass is babysitting.
Yes, dear.
You don't want that.
No. It'll give you gas.
Here. There you go.
I'm gonna help her. I'll get her a book.
On breast-feeding.
But she gotta share with your daddy.
Oh!
Surprise.
I was just gonna start on some tracks.
She's got hair.
Yeah. She also breathes. She giggles.
She's your daughter, Dominic.
Not that anyone would ever know from your behavior.
What behavior?
Me and the Brothas Stylz are prepping for their big debut.
Get off me. Don't touch me.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, listen.
I'm in a pinch, and I need a big favor.
What?
I'll see you later.
Bye.
See?
It's just you and me, kid.
Me and Jas.
All right. All right. Come on.
This ain't so bad, right?
No. Piece of cake.
Hey, Dom, you gonna pick yours up?
I ain't picking mine up. You pick yours up.
You two acting like it's the first time
you've been alone with your kids.
- It is! - It is!
- How do we make them stop? - Oh, come on.
Okay.
All right. Come on.
Come on, Bruce Leroy.
Come on, big man.
It's okay.
I think they hungry.
Cool. I'm gonna roll and get some Mickey D's.
Formula, G. Formula.
They drink formula.
Right, right, right.
My bad, Mr. Mom.
We got that in the fridge, right?
Yeah, yeah. In the kitchen.
No, no. I got it. I got it.
And lay off my lasagna, G.
- One for you. - Thank you.
One for you. Okay.
Hey. This ain't my baby's bottle.
What are you talking about?
Yo, hold up. That's Nia's breast milk in that bottle.
It's like your boy's sucking on my lady's titty.
Got a point there.
You're getting soft on me, man.
Oh! They like the titty on tap.
Look at Bruce Leroy. He got an appetite like his daddy.
Look at him getting his grub on.
I think it's time to burp 'em.
Okay. Let's bump 'em, then.
- Burp? - How we do that?
You just put 'em over your shoulder.
Yeah. Right like that. Pat 'em on their back.
Like this? Oh, okay.
All right. Yeah, yeah.
Aw, hell.
My Sean Johns!
You got the "Exorcist" baby.
Hey, that's what babies do.
They burp. Spit.
And shit! Ugh!
Aw, damn. It's that titty milk.
I bet it is.
Look at it.
Aw!
It's green shit!
I'm a lean, mean diapering machine.
Whoo!
Whoo, that's funky.
Dang, Bruce Leroy.
When did you eat some corn, man?
Aah! Aah!
He peed on me!
He peed on me, Lonnie!
Oh, God! It's burning!
Ow! Oh, I can't see!
I can't see, Lonnie!
I want my mama.
That's all right, Bruce Leroy. Daddy gonna get you cleaned up.
We're just gonna get the poop out your hair.
Oh, man, you got soft hair.
You got hair like your mama. Mm-hmm.
When you get older, all the little black girls are gonna be,
"Oh, Bruce Leroy, you got good hair.
You got Indian in your family?"
And the little Chinese girls are gonna be,
"Oh, Bruce Leroy, me so horny.
Me love you long time. "
'Cause everybody love Bruce Leroy.
Wa-yah!
Here's the lotion, G.
- And the baby powder. - Oh, okay.
See, your uncles understand a soft, sensitive bottom.
Now, who watching y'all babies, huh?
Jesus.
Thought you almost got me with that one, didn't you?
That was a good one.
Ow. Mnh.
Okay.
I'm throwing in the towel.
I give up.
Wait a minute. I got an idea.
Hickory dickory dock!
The mouse ran up the clock!
The clock struck one!
The mouse went down!
Hickory dickory dock!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
That ends the rhyming portion of the Mommy & Me class.
And now it's time for the bonding portion
of the Mommy & Me class.
We've got some really pretty, shiny books.
I think my daughter likes your son.
I can't blame her.
He's almost as cute as you are, Lonnie.
You know my name?
It's on your tag.
I'm Brandy.
Hi.
Brandy.
Now let's play the bragging game.
This is where we each take a turn.
And you tell us something special about your child.
Brandy, let's start with you.
Well, Cherie has a smile that lights up the room.
Just like her mom.
Ooh.
Nice to see your domesticated ass was able to break away
from the ball and chain tonight.
Fool, please.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I pay taxes.
Sometimes.
Hey, hey. I run me.
She don't run me.
I'm the president.
She the secretary of state. Remember that.
Hey, hey. Yo, yo.
Drive By's here.
How'd you get Drive By to come up in here, man?
His rappers keep getting locked up.
He's looking for new talent.
The Brothas Stylz are gonna be his next platinum artists.
The white boys?
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yizzo.
Our bad. We smashed up lizzle in this pizniece.
Can I get some?
- Yeah. Whatever. - All right, then.
Ooh. Double dip.
He's signing that shit?
Hold up. Hold up.
Ain't that Ho-londa?
She's supposed to be having dinner with Lonnie tonight.
All right.
It's time to put some crackers up in this soup.
Comin' straight from the street.
I mean the cul-de-sacs.
Put your hands together for the Brothas Stylz.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
What's up, people?
Brothas Stylz in the hizzy!
- Hit it! - Hit it!
Yeah!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.
Right!
All right. All right.
I'm telling you. These guys are the bomb.
This is the future of hip-hop right here.
You gotta trust me on this. They got 12 tracks recorded.
They're all hot.
Don't sleep on this, Drive By.
I don't usually sign white rappers.
But for y'all, I might make an exception.
Y'all come by my office.
Dismissed.
Thank you.
Get out of here!
- We're going. - That's cool.
Yo, Lon, what's wrong, man?
Man, I can't believe Rolonda left me hanging.
I'm starting to think she's not the woman for me.
No!
You know, it's about time, Lon.
I got tired of you going out like a sucker.
Yeah. Seriously, Lonnie.
You gotta get with the program like me.
I don't think you're getting it.
I like spending time with Carver.
It's the mama I'm starting to doubt.
Lonnie, there are plenty of women out there
that will treat you right, man.
There is this one girl, Brandy, from the Mommy & Me class.
She's the bomb-diggity-fresh.
But I don't think she'd go for a guy like me.
She would, man, if you took some pointers from the pros.
You know what, Lon?
You need some game, dawg.
And some new slang.
'Cause "the bomb-diggity-fresh"?
Where the hell did you get that from, anyway?
Yeah, man. You need some style.
A makeover.
Oh.
Dawg boot camp.
Mm. Ta-dow.
I'm listening.
Oh, no, no. You're gonna be down. Come on.
That boy's still ugly if you ask me.
You gotta bend your knees a little bit.
Bend your knees a little bit.
Now swing your arms.
Not like a monkey, dawg.
You gotta loosen up.
Let the tension out.
Heel, toe. Heel, toe.
My God. He's white.
Hey, Brandy.
How you doin', boo?
Lonnie. No, no, no.
You gotta talk from your nuts, man. More bass.
This is the art of slap boxing.
A time-honored hood tradition.
Come on, Lonnie. Put your hands up. Come on.
All right? Great. Keep 'em up.
Uh, G?
G, man.
G.
Hey, Brandy.
How you doin', boo?
Mm.
We created a player.
Seņor Lon Juan.
Mm-hmm.
The adventures of Daddy Look Good.
So, I hear you celibate.
- What? - Celibate.
You sellin' a bit. I'm buyin' a bit.
Wow, Lonnie.
You look different all pimped out.
Daddy Look Good.
DLG! Daddy Look Good.
Are you feeling all right?
Oh, I feel real nice.
Put your hand in my pocket and find out for yourself.
What can I get you two tonight?
Chardonnay, please.
Yac. Colt back.
Double it up on the rocks in a dirty glass, thickness.
I'm glad you called.
You've been on my mind.
You been runnin' through my mind in a thong.
What?
Thong. It's a little thing. It's like string.
It ain't the full bloomers.
Oh!
My bad.
My bad, baby. My bad.
It's looks like you gonna have to come out them clothes.
Goodbye, Lonnie.
Brandy.
Damn.
Be a good girl for Poppy, all right? Be quiet.
Shh.
Okay, then. Yeah.
That's a good girl.
Oh! How was the date tonight?
It wasn't that good, thanks to you two.
Didn't you use my note cards?
Yeah, I used those.
Tried to do a little freestyling on my own.
Didn't really work.
Hey, man. Hey, hey.
That was all Ass-anova right there.
You know, I really like this girl Brandy.
Little Carver really likes her.
Look, man, maybe y'all can patch this up somehow.
Man, the way I acted tonight, G,
I'll be lucky if that woman ever talks to me again.
You didn't take your hat off, did you?
Like a damn fool.
Hey, Unc.
What's all the racket down here, huh?
Babies screaming and everything.
I'm trying to go to the bathroom.
- I can't do nothing. - You okay, Jas?
Convenience store.
You inconvenient son of a bitch.
Keep the damn noise down
before I break my foot off in your ass, boy.
He's mad 'cause he got hemorrhoids.
Oh! Hey! Hey.
- What are you doing? - Oh, nothing.
What's going on?
- Hey. - What?
Daddy has planned a big family dinner on Saturday.
- Uh-huh. - And he's invited you.
He's gonna have me as the main course or something?
I can't this Saturday.
Why?
No Good's getting released from prison on Saturday.
No Good is nothing but trouble.
And we have a son.
Come on. Things are different now.
Baby, things are different for him, too.
He's a reformed man now. For real.
G, the two of you together spells trouble.
Look.
All I know is that he's my cousin
and he deserves a second chance.
Six ounces, just like Mama said.
Uh-huh. Test it. Ahh.
There you go. Come on.
Bruce Leroy, that's good milk, man.
Damn, that's some good titty milk.
Ooh, ooh.
No!
Yo, who the hell -
No Good?
That's right, baby. I'm back on the bricks.
What the hell you comin' through the window for?
Oh, creature of habit, dawg.
Just trying to keep my skills sharp, man.
Ah. Ah.
Aah!
No Good's back!
Show your cousin some love, baby.
You got it, baby.
Whoo!
Dawg, I can't believe it's been two years
since you been locked down.
Well, had the jurisprudence not violated
the statute of limitations per se,
I would have only done 30 days, bro.
Did you get a law degree in prison?
Nah. I watched "The Practice" for two seasons.
I'm representing myself next time.
Oh, next time, huh?
You always had game, player.
You always had game.
Speaking of game, man, what's up with you?
You still boxing?
Yeah, but it's sort of been put on the back burner for now.
Oh, really?
How come?
Remember we used to go candyjacking back in the day?
- You mean the kung fu clerk. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Let's just say that a hot temper runs in his family.
Really? How you know that?
Um...
Well, his daughter had my baby.
Oh, shit!
Hey, hey, dawg, watch your F-ing language
in front of my son, dawg.
- Wow. - Hey, hey.
Bruce Leroy, it's your cousin No Good, man.
What's up, little bro? Uh. Yep.
Gimme a little bit. Yep. Just a slap.
- Go on. Hit it. - Hit it, now. Hey.
That's my little man.
Drive By, my man, your label is the first one I thought of
when I discovered the Brothas Stylz.
Check it out.
Some people think that, like, we kinda like a white OutKast.
If I want to know what people think of you, I'll tell you.
- Come on. - Very good, sir.
You remind people of a white OutKast.
Yeah.
You really got your finger on the pulse, there, Drive By.
You weren't thinking about going to another label?
Well, actually, you know...
You were always the first choice.
- Right here. - Right here, dawg.
Here's the contracts.
Sign 'em.
Wait, wait, wait. This is it?
I mean, this is legally binding?
This is it.
Wanna talk royalties? Cool.
Publishing. That's all right.
If you even want a handicapped parking permit, get at me.
But don't you ever...
mess with me!
I have an anger-management issue.
You understand?
Yeah, yeah. We gonna sign that up right here.
Good. That calls for a celebration.
Oh, we gonna pop up some of that bubbly?
No, fool.
Milk and cookies.
- Milk and cookies? - Milk and cookies?
You got a problem with my milk and cookies?
- No. - No, no.
Pleasant surprise.
Change of pace.
Well, dip, fool. Dip!
All right. We dipping.
- I can't get it in, dawg! - Break it off!
Break it off, man! Break it off!
You better dip and eat them cookies.
Insult me, and I'll beat your ass.
Today we're gonna discuss something
every parent must go through.
It's potty training.
Don't make those faces.
It's not as hard as you think.
We're gonna do some role-playing today.
Show you how to get your baby's bottom onto the actual ring.
You might want to sing it a song to relax the muscles.
Make some funny faces.
Now, it's also very important to praise your child's movement.
"Look at that.
Look what Jason left behind.
Look at the big brown goldfish.
Yay!"
Daddy, everyone, this is G's cousin No Good.
G, why don't you introduce No Good to my family?
No Good, this is XiXi's father, Cha Ching.
Oh, sure. What's up, nigga?
Yeah.
No Good.
And this is Grandma Fung-Yu.
Hi-yo.
Cha Ching. Grandma Fung-Yu.
Yeah. And Sing Sing, XiXi's mother.
All right. Cha Ching.
- Grandma Fung-Yu. - Uh-huh.
And XiXi's mama, sexy thing.
- Oh. - Sing Sing.
Yeah. And Bling Bling, the grandpa.
- All right. I got this, dawg. - Okay.
Cha Ching, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Grandma Egg Foo Yong?
Fung-Yu, dawg.
Sexy thing, Miss Thing Thing.
Sing Sing!
- Bling Bling. - Yeah.
- Ta-dow. - Bang bang.
And over in the corner
is the hardest-working man in the organization.
That's my man, little Dang Ling.
All right. I got it.
Cha Ching. Grandma Kung Fu.
Sexy Thing. Sing Sing. Sing Sing.
- Bling Bling. Ta-dow. - Bang bang.
And little Ding-A-Ling.
- Yeah. - All right.
Let's eat.
Sing Sing, these Peking duck feet is the shit!
You no like my cooking?
No, Mom.
"The shit" is a good thing.
"The shit" is good?
Yes.
"The shit" is real good, Sing Sing.
You know, this is the first time in two years
I ain't have to worry about getting shanked at chow.
Don't be so sure.
What's up with your dawg?
Damn, Grandma!
That was a wet one.
- What? - I have cable.
Whatever, little man.
On cable, every man in prison movie tosses -
Dang Ling. That's enough.
Now, go wash the dishes.
When you're done, you finish tarring the roof.
My father wants to tell you something.
G, I want to offer you a manager position at the market.
Yes.
You know, Cha Ching, I really appreciate that.
But that's not what I want to do.
Ooh, shit.
Being a manager is a great job.
Look, I got a job.
Boxing is not a job.
You always say that.
But I got my shot coming up, all right?
I thought you would be happy.
With this promotion, we could finally get our own place.
Yo. That would be dope. The three of us.
Hey, brother. Hey.
I'm talking about the future.
Whether it's brighter to hang around the gym
and chilling with a bad influence like...
Like what? Huh?
Like what?
Look, I'm not gonna give up boxing, okay?
And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't give up on me, either.
I'm gonna help Dang Ling clean these dishes.
Somebody done messed up, huh?
This is for XiXi. Okay.
Ow! Oh, shit!
Jab!
I'm gonna do it for my baby.
I'm gonna do it for Bruce Leroy.
I'm gonna die!
This duck cheesesteak is great.
It's the other brown meat.
You better ask somebody.
You hear that, sucker?
G!
Back away from the duck!
Get him, Dang Ling!
Know who you're gonna see today?
Go see Daddy. Go see Daddy.
You're gonna see Daddy.
Okay.
There you go, honey.
You gonna see Daddy today?
- What's up, gorgeous? - Hey, Dominic.
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Jas.
She just ate, so she should be ready for bed soon.
What, are you paintin' the town with your friend Pluto?
Somethin' like that.
What about you?
Beer delivery.
You're not having a party tonight, are you?
No, no, no, no.
It's for one of Lonnie's experiments. Okay.
Have a good time.
- I'll be back later. - Go. We're gonna be okay.
- Don't worry about us. - Bye, pumpkin.
Bye.
- There's supposed to be four. - Two.
We have two lights, two regulars.
Doesn't it say right here?
I don't think we should leave.
We're goin' downstairs, man.
Come on.
We done been throwed up on, pissed on, and pooped on.
It's time we do some grown-up shit, man.
- That's right. - All right?
- Come on. - All right.
- Cool. - All right.
Bye-bye.
Sleep tight, little fella.
Ooh, brother gotta pee. Oh!
Anybody ever tell you you have beautiful hair?
Come on, let's get busy.
No, no, Stacy. Don't go in there.
We'll go in there.
Come on, Dom.
You did not bring me up here to play with my hair.
It's foreplay, baby.
Ha ha!
Hey. Hey!
I'm gonna go check on the kids.
All right.
What? Who?
God! Damn!
G!
- G! - Yeah?
- The babies are gone! - What?
I told you!
- Dom! - Dom!
- The babies are gone! - The babies is gone, man!
I just saw 'em in the other room.
- Bruce Leroy! - Jasmine!
- Bruce Leroy! - Move! Move!
- Jasmine! - Son!
What are we gonna do?
Outside! Outside!
- Bruce Leroy! - Jasmine!
Carver!
Bruce Leroy!
Did you check up in Uncle Virgil's room?
I'm dialing 911.
No, man, I still got warrants.
What?
- How? - Bruce Leroy.
What?
Who put y'all up here?
- Carver, you know how to walk? - Jasmine.
It's all my fault.
I should have checked to make sure the door was closed.
It could have been worse.
A lot worse.
Man, these kids depend on us.
This is our chance to be fathers, man.
And we can do the right thing right now.
Y'all in or what?
Yeah.
I'm in.
Yeah, we can do this.
Look, fellas, I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it
with my own former four eyes.
Two proud papas.
Daddies, even.
Fathers.
Hangin' out with their kids.
- That's right. - That's right.
That's right. Nia's been so busy at work.
Me and Jas been gettin' to know each other.
- I heard that, man. - Yeah.
Look at him. Look at him. Jab him!
- Hey, hey. - Jab him.
- Carver. - Whup his ass.
Hold your right hand up.
- Dip! - When he drop it...
- There you go. - Dip.
I thought you said we was chillin' today, man.
We are.
At the store?
Look here, man.
Stop complaining, all right?
XiXi gonna get on my ass
if I don't start pulling my weight, all right?
You need a wheelbarrow to haul all that in.
Oh, snap!
See, this is what I'm talking about right here.
This is what I wish I could get for my son.
Why don't you buy it?
Man, do you know how expensive it is to raise a child now?
There's diapers. There's formula.
- Not to mention the toys. - Wow.
Hell, man, I barely got enough for the necessities.
I'm gonna get that, though. Yeah, I'm gonna get that.
Right.
Diapers. Bottles.
Chips. Cool.
Damn!
Look, I left my wallet in the car.
Hold this spot. Don't lose it.
- Gotcha. - All right.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Oh, hey, how you doin'?
You look just like Patti LaBelle.
Without the big hair, though.
When she was with the LaBelles.
Yeah, okay.
All right, now! Freeze!
I want it chilly up in here!
Sir? We don't have much money in the till.
You're welcome to it.
But I would recommend that you rob a convenience store.
Did I ask you for money?
No, I did not.
Now, give me some of them snot suckers.
Some of them rattles. Some ass thermometers.
Pronto. Yeah. Yeah.
Y'all got some baby grub up in here?
Is the baby teething?
Oh, and don't forget the rubber nipples.
Yeah.
And the booties for the baby's feet.
And cotton swabs.
Cotton swabs.
That reminds me. Is the baby still on formula?
You should really start going for organic.
Organic. Right, right, right, right.
What the hell "organic" mean?
It means it's grown naturally
without any harmful pesticides that might poison your baby.
What? You trying to poison my kid?
No!
I want everything organic up in this bitch!
Right now!
I don't want nobody to move for two minutes.
That's 150 seconds.
That didn't sound right.
Hoo-hoo!
Open the trunk.
Man, don't tell me you just robbed the store!
Open the trunk, dawg.
What the hell did you do, fool?
They was robbin' us.
Just 'cause it's overpriced don't mean you steal it.
Why you trippin'?
I did this for you, dawg.
What?
You the one got a baby to handle.
Oh, I'm trippin'?
'Cause I ain't your accomplice no more?
What? You got a baby now so you don't work no more?
Oh, so robbin' is work now?
Yeah.
Man, they runnin' my plates. Get in the car, man!
You like hanging out with your Uncle No Good.
Take some of those right there.
That's what's up.
Yeah, this is kind of good.
Mmm, I can see how you eat this stuff right here, brother.
You know what?
Me and your daddy got you all kinds of good stuff today.
Got it for free, too, if you know what I'm sayin'.
With a toy gun.
Made a clean getaway.
You know why? You know why?
'Cause crime does pay. Yes, it does.
Hey, baby.
What?
What's up, dawg?
Baby, what's the problem? You mad?
Are you stupid?
What are you talking about?
Robbing baby stores?
Baby, that was No Good.
Tell that to your son when your dumb ass ends up in jail!
Baby, I told you...
"Baby!"
Ow!
- Damn! - Shit!
God.
Yeah.
It'll be okay. Okay?
G, just look at it as a chance to grow.
To get in touch with yourself.
Look, man, I'm tired of touching myself.
I want my lady to touch me.
I want XiXi to touch me.
Where you goin', sexy?
Big meeting today, fellas.
Gonna have a huge payday.
And maybe who knows, you know?
Get a place of my own.
Jas could have a backyard.
Her own room.
Man, you know what you sound like?
What? A bitch?
No.
A man.
All right. I'll talk to you later.
You kind of dress like a bitch, though.
Drive By, you so crazy.
So, when did you guys become such good friends?
This is gonna be hard. This is gonna be real hard.
It's gonna be hard for the Stylz Brothas to say...
You ain't gonna be the Brothas Stylz's manager no more.
That wasn't that hard.
No, no, no. Very easy, dawg.
Let's go.
You're dismissed, bitch.
Dismizzle, bizzle.
I'm all right!
- Dang Ling, where's XiXi? - She don't want to see your ass.
Cha Ching, where's XiXi?
G, we need to talk.
Outside.
You get that black eye boxing?
Nope.
From your daughter.
Yeah, she got a left hook like her mother.
I don't smoke cigarettes.
Take a closer look, fool.
Special smoke.
Cure a chronic ailment.
Even a broken heart.
Hmm.
Damn, man.
All this time, I thought you was uptight and shit.
You remind me of myself when I was your age.
The Triads.
I was the leader of the Far East Side Riders.
I dreamt of being the Chinese Scarface.
Hey.
Say hello to my little friend.
Hey.
What happened?
Met XiXi's moms up at the club.
Got gander at junk in the trunk.
She made you turn your life around.
Not before reality bitch-slapped me in the face first.
Gangster Gung Ho got cap busted in ass.
Pour a little out for homies ain't here.
Yeah.
After that, all I could think about
was giving my daughter and my baby's mama a better life.
Any regrets?
One.
I didn't do it sooner.
Dominic. Hi.
- Oh. I wasn't expecting you. - Yeah, I know.
I just wanted to see if we could talk maybe.
Well, this really isn't the best...
Dominic.
What's she doing here?
You caught us at a bad time. We just got out of the bath.
"We"?
Maybe we should talk.
Are you trying to tell me you're a...
Let's be real.
Jasmine needs a full-time parent.
For when she's sick.
For when she can't sleep.
You know you can't be counted on for that.
No, that's not true.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
We have to do what's best for Jasmine.
And you think her having two mommies is what's best?
Yes.
Venus and I are in love.
She's with Jasmine every single day.
You're more into the Stylz Brothas
than you are into being a dad.
Brandy.
I know you're mad at me.
Hell, if I was you, I'd be mad at me, too.
But if you give me a chance to explain.
I am sorry.
Brandy.
Carver.
I am sorry.
Wake your sorry asses up!
I ain't gonna say this but one time.
So you damn well better hear me.
Now, Lonnie.
Don't get caught up in this "baby's mama" drama.
Now, you had you a good woman in Brandy.
She a good woman. She likes you.
And that baby likes you, too.
You need to be a man.
You need to go ahead and pick your hair out
and get rid of them damn deep-sea-diving goggles
and handle your business.
And you.
Rerun.
Huh?
Yeah, you.
You got a good woman, too.
But you're too damn lazy.
All you want to do is lay up on your ass all day.
And you ain't no fighter.
Hell, I'll knock your dick in the dirt, old as I am.
Yeah, you need to put your family first.
Put your family first.
And, Dom, you ain't no player.
Now, Uncle Virgil was a player.
You hear me?
I was slammin' more Cadillac doors and pimpin' more ho's
while you were still swimming around in your daddy's nut sac.
And you got a good woman, too.
But no, you mad 'cause she done got herself another woman.
Hell, be Uncle Virgil back in the day,
I'd have both them chicks over at my house right now.
Cookin' my breakfast.
Butt-naked.
With the house shoes on.
Best thing I can suggest to you
is you get yourself back in your baby's life
as soon as you can.
Don't be like me, Dom.
End up old.
Lonely.
Living with your goofy-ass nephew
and his broke-ass friends.
Do I really look like Rerun?
Brandy!
Slow down, kids.
Brandy!
Brandy, can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
You know, the loving, the caring, the compassionate,
the dashing, the debonair, the real Lonnie.
He's back.
And he'd like another chance.
How about dinner tonight?
I'm all ears.
You want some pig feet?
Ooh, is she a cutie pie.
Like her mama.
Yes, indeedy, feed the needy.
Want some ribs?
Some chitlins?
So, we were high school sweethearts.
I thought he was Prince Charming.
But he turned out to be a toad.
Your ex and my baby's mama need to get together.
'Cause she's a rat.
A hood rat.
Right.
You know, I've always had this idealistic view of family.
House in the burbs.
With the white picket fence.
And a cute puppy, like a...
Chocolate lab.
Oh.
Let me clean those for you.
Hey, are these new glasses?
Yeah, the other ones are kind of large and square.
What you waitin' on, dawg?
An engraved invitation?
Huh?
Kiss her, fool.
Go, Lonnie. Go.
Go, Lonnie. Yeah.
I know Ho-landa's my mama.
But Brandy's all that and a bag of tits.
He's right, boy.
I mean, check out those tig old bitties.
I've been sucklin' those chocolate-milk sacs for months,
and it is nice.
Lonnie.
Are you feeling okay?
No, I think I had a little too much wine.
I guess it is getting a bit late.
Yeah, maybe I should be going.
That's my daddy.
What the hell is... Open up the door, fool.
What the hell is this, man?
Breakfast, fool.
No, man, I'm talking about what the hell you do to the room.
My grandmother told me make myself at home, man.
Want a grilled-cheese sandwich, man?
No, I'm cool.
All right, then.
You still mad at me, man?
Look, Robin Hood.
Because of what you did, XiXi ain't speakin' to me.
I haven't even seen my baby, man.
That little stunt you pulled really messed my life up.
What's up with you, man?
You still the same guy that got "Thug Life" tatted on his arm?
Yeah, that's me.
But I got my son's name tatted on the other arm now.
We gonna always be boys, man.
We family.
I got a family of my own now.
So that's my priority.
I feel you, dawg.
I'm proud of you, man.
Thanks, baby.
Now, you sure you don't want one of these grilled cheese?
Yeah, go on and hook me up one, man.
All right, then. It's organic.
What the hell you doin' bustin' in here like you pay the bills?
I mean, like you're the police.
Sit your Count Crackula-lookin' ass down.
- What? - And you shut the hell up.
Show me some respect around here.
'Cause Lord knows I earned it.
The days of you two bitches
using my baby boy for a payday are over.
He's coming with me.
And maybe, just maybe, if you get your shit together,
I might let you see him.
But Princess Ro-Ro -
But Ro-Ho, my ass.
Be-otch!
You don't like the way I roll, take me to court.
Come on, little Carver.
Let's go home.
Sorry you had to hear that, man.
Oh, don't worry.
You'll still get your little $300 a week.
Ain't that what you had him for?
Let's get out of here.
Swoll!
Mama, no.
And I'm proud to say that many of Philadelphia's top artists
have recorded right here in this studio.
And we have an award-winning engineering...
Dominic. What are you doing here?
I just want to tell you you're right.
Being a parent means being there every day.
Look, I know you don't need me, Nia.
But I need Jasmine.
Things haven't exactly been going my way lately.
First the Brothas Stylz fire me.
Then I find out you're a lesbian.
Wait a minute. You got fired?
You're a lesbian?
Thank you.
Thanks.
The other day, I went to visit you, right?
I saw you and Venus with Jasmine.
You guys looked just like a family, you know.
And it became clear what's important.
I need to be part of my daughter's life.
I want to pack her lunch on the first day of kindergarten.
I want to put Bactine on her skinned knee
when she falls off her bike.
I want to keep her away from players like me.
I know it sounds stupid.
But there's more to life than chasing girls.
That's raising one.
Come here.
Let Daddy strap you in.
Swoll, leave him alone.
You can't bust up in here, take Ro's baby,
and break out, Donnie!
What you want to do, little man?
Huh? What you want?
It's Lonnie!
Lonnie, partner.
Can I roll with you?
Not this time, Little Tupac.
Superboy that became Superman.
Ro, you shouldn't have never let that man
slip through your fingertips.
Hey.
Baby, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out
I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with you and Bruce Leroy.
I don't want Bruce Leroy growing up
not knowing who his father was like I did.
I want him to be proud to call me "Dad. "
And I want you to be proud to call me your husband.
XiXi.
G, you had me at "hello. "
My man Lonnie finally found happiness.
By the power vested in me by the state of Pennsylvania,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
Look at that.
You got spit on her chin.
Whoa.
Save something for the hotel room, there.
Your kids gonna watch this.
Honeymoon time. Honeymoon time.
Lon, the Carver 5000 is da bomb, man.
Thank you, Uncle Virgil.
And Brandy inspired him to achieve his dream
of becoming the most successful black inventor
since the sister who invented the hot comb.
T oys"R"Us just ordered 1,000 units of the Carver 5000.
Whatever happened to the Stylz Brothas?
Yeah, yeah. The white boys.
Kind of had a problem at the Apollo.
What's up, my niggas?
- Bad management. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dom stopped being a player and started being a father.
Inspired by his baby girl, Jas,
he decided to spin his music career
in a different direction.
He created Hip-Hopscotch Records,
and the first act he signed was Little Tupac.
A.K.A. Mini T.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
No Good finally found his niche.
And it's organic.
No pesticides or nothing.
All right.
He got himself his own cooking show
and became known as the "O.G."
The Organic Gangster.
A smidgen of cayenne pepper.
- Cayenne! - Then boom!
Pow! Ta-dow!
The flavor is major in this piece.
Now, meat tenderizing.
First...
- You get your meat. - Oh, yeah.
Then you get your tenderizer.
Gonna beat that meat.
Fist, meet meat.
Meat, meet fist.
And you start tenderizing, brother.
Where my money at?
You been owing me $5 for, like, two weeks now.
So, Mrs. XiXi Ling Yoon Dung Quon Puck Washington.
Yes?
You'll be happy to know that I'm hanging up my gloves, boo.
Really?
You're giving up boxing?
Well, not completely.
Me and my father-in-law, Cha Ching,
opened us up our very own boxing gym/karate studio.
We call it the Mofo Dojo.
Hit me hard! Hit me hard! Hit me!
Good. Get back. Come on.
Let's go! Come on!
Harder!
You hit like a girl!
Other hand!
Get back over there. Come on!
Class dismissed.
To great friends.
Nah. To great...
babies' daddies.
Who would have thought?
Three little babies turning us into three grown men.
Yeah, yeah.
Ballin Records, Bungalo presents Beelow and Juvenile.
Super Psycho production.
So Treacherous, baby.
Infamous.
This one's for the streets.