Did you hear the one about the Chinese cook?
Which one? The one about the guy who drowned?
No, no. That's the one in the golf course.
The Chinese cook's story is great. Here it goes.
They're in the best restaurant in town having dinner.
They were sitting at the best table.
I don't have to tell you, but Oscar Cabos is sitting in the middle.
Were there any broads?
No, it wasn't that kind of dinner. It was a business dinner..
transactions, millions of dollars.
What were they having?
I don't know, that's not important.
What's important is who was sitting there.
There were politicians, millionaires, all of them..
important people. In fact, I think that the owner..
of the biggest computer software company was there, too.
In the middle of dinner, Oscar Cabos decides to tell a joke.
And I had never seen a guy so deep inside.
Was it any good?
No. As a matter of fact, it sucked.
So why were they laughing?
Because if Oscar Cabos tells a joke, you better laugh.
Everyone laughed. Even the Chinese cook was laughing
and that moron didn't understand a damn thing.
But that's not the point. The point is that suddenly..
Ank-you.
Ank-you, ank-you, ank-you.
What?
What the fuck is ank-you, you piece of shit?
Ahnkyou.
Nobody knew that the cook had only been in the country for two days
and the only thing he could say was "thank you".
And.. obviously not very well.
Why do you keep thanking me, you sorry little motherfucker?
Ank-you, ank-you, ank-you.
KILLING CABOS
Two days later, with injuries to his back and ribs,
a broken arm and a face burned to a crisp,
he went back to The Orient.
Hey, why do they call it The Orient?
Because that's what it's called.
No way. I've never heard anyone call it that.
'Cause everyone you hang out with doesn't know how to speak well.
I hang out with you.
Right. And I'm telling you, it's The Orient.
All right. So, tell me the one about the golf course?
Shit, man. That one is a real trip. That guy is really crazy.
He had been playing golf all day. He was in the last hole.
He was about to beat his own record,
which was probably a joke anyway, but he was really concentrating.
Hey. You got any toilet paper?
I'm telling you a story, man.
Yes, I know. And I'm really into it, but there's no paper here.
There's none in here either.
- Check the other stall. - You go and check.
Give me a break. You're much closer.
And see if he has any aspirin, okay? I have a headache.
Yeah, right. Where?
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, why is this half-naked, unconscious guy sitting
on a toilet, listening to these ridiculous anecdotes
from these two morons?
Well, I have no idea.
All I know is that snot-nosed brat had it in for me
since I walked in on him kissing my daughter.
I understand kids.
And I asked him nicely to leave my house..
and next time to go to a hotel.
I tried to be kind rather than to cause trouble with an employee.
It wasn't worth it.
I chose to discuss things with him..
and I tried to make him understand that it is unwise..
to date the boss's daughter.
Because it's usually the source of a few problems.
And I thought he understood.
But apparently I was wrong.
I was working in my office when he busted in without knocking.
Come in.
I thought he wanted to discuss things or offer an apology.
But that scoundrel came in to attack me.
After realizing that neither his insults nor provocations..
were getting to me, the little tough guy started..
punching me when I was distracted.
And on top of it that asshole started laughing at me.
No, sir.
Sir?
What I don't understand
is why the fucking pervert took my clothes off.
I still don't understand why you took his clothes off, fucking pervert.
I didn't take his clothes off, God damn it!
Really? So this guy works in his underwear?
And when I got back, he was already half-naked.
Is he dead?
No way. Well, I don't know.
Check him out.
But why take his clothes off?
Who knows?
There are lots of sick people out there.
Good night, sir.
If only I could be..
a wealthy man.
If only just to feel..
like any other millionaire.
If only I could see..
through a thousand television sets..
what you're doing,
I need to be..
another millionaire.
To see the same place..
in hundreds and thousands at a time.
But more than living in comfort..
I want your love and nothing else..
5 MINUTES BEFORE
Are you sure he always leaves at this hour?
I've been checking him for a month. He always does it.
Where's the bat?
Right here. And I also have the bag.
Relax.
I've done this a thousand times.
That's why you hired me, right?
Why so nervous?
I'm not nervous, idiot.
I'm careful. There's a difference.
I'm precise.
And why?
Because that's how I've always been.
Because doing things right got me where I am now.
All right, all right. Calm down.
I hope you know what you're doing.
What I'm doing?
I know perfectly well what I'm doing.
Let me show you something.
It's my father.
You want to talk about someone with big balls?
This man.
He knows the meaning of hard work.
Not like the asshole we're about to grab.
He made sacrifices for us working for a fucking prick.
A dictator.
Twenty years.
Twenty years without getting an ounce of respect every single day.
Every day.
And he's still hanging on.
I could take care of him. But he's a proud man.
And you know what?
He has an honorable job.
Did you understand anything I just said?
He won't be long now.
Here.
- What do we do with him? - What do you mean what do we do?
Nothing. We leave him here and good-bye.
Kiss my ass. If we leave him here, the guy is going to fire me.
He's going to send me to jail, then he's going to kill me.
He's going to fire you anyway. You fucked his daughter.
- I told you not to go back to work. - Why?
- Because he kicked your ass. - It wasn't that bad.
Okay, it was that bad.
But first of all, I didn't fuck her. She fucked me.
Scream, piggy, scream.
Number two, fucking his daughter and leaving him here
in his underwear ain't the same thing. Give me a fucking break!
Why don't we get him out of here and wait for him to wake up?
We talk things over and, I don't know..
we convince him not to do anything to us.
What do you mean, to us?
Come on, man. You know. Not to do anything to us.
I didn't do anything.
Excuse me, but you just took a dump next to him while he was unconscious.
But he doesn't know that I took a dump next to him.
But you did. Dude, don't tell me you're not going to help me.
Give me a break, dude. Give me a hand.
Let's see.
You fucking prick!
Calm down!
Calm down, man! Take it easy!
Help me get him up, man.
Help me out!
Let's go.
- Trunk. - What?
What's the matter with you? Do you want him on the roof?
If they see us with this asshole we're in big fucking trouble!
I know, man.
I mean, he owns this fucking building!
Shit. We're going to get busted.
But we take him out of there as soon as we're outside.
Of course.
Don't be an asshole.
I think we're fucked.
They seem to know something.
Don't be stupid.
Those guys don't know anything.
So what do I do then?
Relax, man. Just turn around and smile.
You think they noticed?
No, man. How could they? They're just obtuse.
Okay, look for a place to park up front and let's take him out.
Kiss my ass, man! Where am I supposed to park?
- Watch out! - God damn! Fucking assholes!
Did you see that? They almost hit me.
- You think they know? - What?
Do you think they know they're assholes?
Because no one ever tells them.
People just, you know, give them the finger and honk.
But no one ever tells them to their face.
Well, yeah. But, I mean, come on.
You can't sink to that level of stupidity without noticing.
Give me a fucking break!
What? What are you staring at, you fag?
Do I look like a fag?
Not really. Maybe just a little soft.
What did you say, man?
I said I was going to screw your mama.
What are you staring at, you fucking cross-eyed?
Cross-eyed.. cross-eyed.. cross-eyed.
She's not coming because you're fucking cross-eyed.
What did you expect, my son? You're fucking cross-eyed.
Go.
Jesus Christ!
Shit, man. Shit!
That bastard's going to kill us.
There!
What's that?
Did anyone see you?
The cops are downstairs. They want you to give them all blow jobs.
- Don't be an asshole, Nico. - Asshole?
All right! That's enough, okay? Where do we put this guy?
Is he alive?
That's none of your business. Where do we put him?
This is my house and I never agreed to store dead people.
Did I?
Listen, princess.
I don't know why you got into this business.
Maybe because your family is broke,
or because the money you get isn't enough for your drugs,
or simply because your life is so fucking boring
you wanted to try something dangerous.
I don't know and I don't care.
When I found you, I explained to you what this was about.
And we made a deal. And in that deal, I call the shots. I ask the questions.
You provide the answers.
Is that clear?
Now, where do we put him?
In the storage room in the back.
Thank you.
It won't start.
Shit. You were the one who got me to insult that guy.
Yeah. But there are insults and then there are insults.
Help me out, man. We don't know if he's still alive in there.
What are you worried about?
If he's dead, then it's not our problem anymore.
Of course. You're absolutely right.
You know, I hadn't thought of that.
As a matter of fact, when the cops get here we'll just say,
"Yes, Officer. He was in our trunk in his underwear."
"But he wasn't dead. He just passed out."
Give me a break.
Okay. So what are we going to do?
Hey, what if we call Ruben?
- Who? - Mascarita.
Who?
Mascarita. The wrestler.
Mascarita. The ill-tempered one.
What happened to this great legend?
Born in Huichapan in the state of Hidalgo in 1963,
he had a simple country childhood.
"CHILDHOOD FRIEND" Well, folks, by the time he made it to elementary school,
he was already a legend.
He was someone who loved wrestling.
He was very strong.
He also had a strong personality.
And I remember that he always stood up to anyone.
From that day on, he began training with farm animals
until he reached puberty.
He held many tough jobs:
Load lifter, miner, cart puller.
But his fame began to rise
when he joined the security team at a local disco.
Day after day he tested his wrestling skills.
Until one day Avilo Dominguez,
founder of the Mexican wrestling league, crossed his path.
I was looking for someone special.
I had traveled all over the country and couldn't find anyone.
"PROMOTER"
Until I came to Huichapan, Hidalgo and..
Mister Avilo!
And I saw Mascarita standing at the door of a club.
I knew right then I had my star.
After that meeting, Mascarita became a full-time wrestler.
He traveled with Avilo in the big city
and trained until he became the most famous wrestler of all.
But his addiction to drugs, alcohol and women
would soon put an end to his success.
Yes, of course, I met him.
"EXOTIC DANCER"
He was so generous with all of us.
Oh, but he never took off his mask.
Due to his drug problem he had to leave the wrestling arena,
leaving behind a number of unanswered questions.
Where is Mascarita now? What does he do?
And above all, who is the man behind the mask?
Hey, was that really Mascarita?
Yeah. But he hates being called that.
Why?
One moment, please.
Next time you call me Mascarita without the mask,
- I swear I'll cut off your balls. - Yes, Ruben, yes.. okay.
Good evening.
Ruben, it's Mudo.
Yo, buddy. What's up?
You know. Just hanging out, calling old friends.
Man, it's so good to hear from you. How are you? You okay?
Not really. I got a small problem
and I thought maybe you could give me a hand.
Think nothing of it, bro. What can I do for you?
Look. The thing is we have this guy
locked in the trunk of our car, and guess what?
- We got rear-ended. - Really!
Yeah. Now we can't get the guy out because the trunk is jammed.
Don't worry. I'm on my way now. Where are you?
Remember where I live?
Remember the alley behind the factory? There.
Ah, okay. I won't be long.
Anyway, I'll have Tony meet us there.
"The Cannibal"?
Yeah. He lives nearby. That's not such a safe neighborhood.
- So then, you're coming? - Okay. Yeah.
- Thanks. - Please, man. Don't mention it.
- Thanks, Ruben. - I'll see you in a little while.
- All right. See you. Bye. - Bye.
I'll be right back.
When I return, I want you to keep screaming. Okay?
Yes, Ruben, yes.. okay.
Well, you've got some X.
Next time, bring enough to share with everyone
or don't bring any at all. Understand?
What's the matter, ladies? Move it!
Come on! All right.
- Add more weight. - Yes, boss.
Dude, doesn't your mother-in-law have a party tonight?
Oh, shit! You're right, man. Fuck! I'm such a prick!
Paulina must be waiting for me to pick her up.
I don't think she's there anymore. It's really late.
Yeah, I guess so. I think she left. I hope she's not mad.
Mascarita.
Finish him.
Surrender, Mascarita.
Don't fight back, Mascarita.
Hey, this Mascar.. I mean, Ruben is taking too long, isn't he?
Don't let it slip out again. Not even as a joke.
Relax, man, I didn't mean it.
I'm serious. You have no idea how crazy he gets when they call him Mascarita.
Really? All right, how much longer are we going to wait?
I don't know. He said he was sending his bodyguard.
His what?
Ruben has a bodyguard. His name is Tony.
Tony, "The Cannibal".
Hey. Why do they call him Tony "The Cannibal"?
I don't know.
If you want to, you can ask him when he gets here.
Tony.
This is Jaque. I'm Mudo.
Go ahead. Ask him.
What's up, Ruben?
- How's it hanging, Mudo? - I'm fine, thanks.
Hey! What's up?
Start her up, Tony.
How's life treating you, Jaque?
Right now, not so great, but..
Hit it.
I could've done that. Give me a break.
Trunk.
- Man, I could've done that too. - But you didn't.
So what's up? What do we do now?
We get him out of the trunk, right?
- Are you nuts? - No, I mean it.
And do what, exactly?
I don't know. We get him out and leave him there on the street.
Give me a fucking break. He's my father-in-law. We can't dump him there.
The fact that he's your father-in-law is irrelevant. This guy is Oscar Cabos.
What do you think he'll do to us when he wakes up?
- Okay, so we take him to a hospital. - This man is Oscar Cabos?
We can't dump him there and we certainly can't take him to a hospital.
Why not?
Haven't you heard the story about the Chinese cook?
As a matter of fact, yes.
Good point. So what do we do?
First thing we'll do is calm down and get out of here.
For now, he's safe inside your trunk. He's out cold.
Don't worry. We'll go to a quiet place. I know this bar nearby.
We'll have a couple of exotic drinks.
Then you'll tell me exactly what happened.
And then we'll figure out what to do to get out of this mess we're in.
Okay?
This way. Let's go, Tony.
There's no answer.
Why don't you call yourself?
The family knows me very well. They might recognize my voice perfectly.
Call them again.
But..
But what?
If you don't make the call, then you're no good to me.
This is when I need you the most.
Understand, sweetheart?
Okay. So what are we going to do?
You're going to dial that phone and ask for this little
asshole's wife, and that's it.
Or what? Do you know the maids in the house, too?
No.
Why don't you take off the bag so he can breathe?
And have him see our faces, right?
Oh, I'm sure he's breathing great, aren't you?
It's ringing.
That's all upside-down. Fix it.
Hello?
Hello. With the lady of the house, please.
Who's calling?
Put Mrs. Gabriela Cabos on, right now. Please.
Yes, but I have to tell her who's calling.
Tell her it's.. her husband.
One moment, please.
Ma'am..
Careful, careful with that. Don't drop it. Please be careful.
- Ma'am! - What is it, Tere?
Telephone.
Can't you see I'm busy, Tere? For goodness sake!
It's your husband.
Well, just tell him I'll call him back later.
She says she'll call him back later.
What?
She hung up.
What?
The maid hung up on me.
Well, call them back
and tell them we'll kill this shit bag if they don't give us twenty..
You told me you could do this. Can you or not?
Cheers.
That hit the spot.
Where were we?
Oh, yeah. The trunk.
All right. This is what we're going to do.
We'll finish our drinks and then we'll figure out a way to return
this man to his home, safe and sound.
This man is your father-in-law, Jaque?
Yeah.
And his wife, your mother-in-law, is having a party tonight, right?
That's right.
Do you think it would be a problem if we attend?
No, but..
You know if Cabos is known to partake of alcoholic beverages?
- All the time. - Perfect.
We'll leave him on the front lawn.
We'll untie him, take off the bag, and douse him with the cheapest liquor.
Then we'll leave.
When he wakes up, he'll have a hell of a headache
and he won't even know where he is.
He'll just remember that his wife had a party.
- How does that sound? - All right.
What kind of person is your mother-in-law?
She's a bitch.
- Is she rich? - Stinking.
- Does she host many parties? - Many.
Okay, boys. I'll need two things.
One, I have to get into the party, and two, I'll need a change of clothes.
- A what? - Clothes, Mudo.
I can't go dressed like this to a fancy socialite party.
I'd stand out.
Yeah. I'm sure I'll find something in my apartment.
Cheers.
Check this out, man.
See? It's Mascarita!
Son of a bitch!
It's him. God damn it! It's him.
- What did you call me? - Fuckin' A, man.
You're that Mascarita guy. Aren't you?
What the hell's the matter with you?
Check, please.
Who the fuck do you think you are, asshole?
We're going to beat the shit out of you. You fucking little wrestler.
Boys, let's go.
How many were they?
About fifteen.
Including the fucked up ones?
No. If you count those, then it's about twenty.
Let's give him..
I'll say.. about a minute.
Listen, put the Mrs. on the line right now..
or her husband will cease to exist. Understand?
Yes. One moment, please.
- Ma'am. - What is it, Tere?
Phone call for you.
I told you I'm busy right now.
They say it's about your husband.
That he exists or will cease to exist, I don't understand.
Hello? She hung up again.
Move.
Hello?
Listen, you fucking bitch,
you either put your boss on the line right now,
or I'll kill you and then I'll kill her.
Hello.
Shut the door.
Tony, there's a liquor store around the corner.
Get me a bottle of the cheapest booze, please.
Let's go, boys. The night is too short. Come on.
- What's up, Jaque? - How's it hanging?
Shit. What did you do to your wheels, dude?
Nothing.
I'll fix it up for you. Fifteen minutes. Let me get my tools.
No, that's all right, thanks.
Come on. It'll be just like new, Jaque.
He said no.
Since when do you open your mouth?
Doesn't Mudo mean mute?
Why don't you honor your name and shut the fuck up?
Hey, what's wrong with your buddy?
Check him out. What happened to his clothes?
Listen, you snot-nosed brat!
Why don't you go jerk off somewhere else?
Okay, fucking Mudo.
You too, Jaque.
We'll see you around, you pricks.
Just ask for one favor. One.
Assholes.
I'll get you a shirt, Ruben.
Come in. Make yourself at home.
Thank you.
So, where have you been hanging out?
Here, there. Going to one place, then another.
How long has it been since we saw each other the last time?
It's been a while, Mudo.
It's been a while.
What's wrong with that fucking bird? Doesn't he ever shut up?
No, never.
The worst part is he only makes noise when we get home.
When there's no one here he's very quiet.
Why don't you tell your neighbors?
Because I haven't met them yet.
- You haven't met them? - No.
- Your neighbors? - Let's go.
Jaque..
I'm not saying you have poor taste or anything like that.
- But what the hell is this? - What?
What do you mean what?
Tony went to get the booze for Mr. Cabos.
We have to wait for him, okay?
Now, in these few minutes in which we have to wait for him,
I think you can find something more presentable.
Come on!
Bad taste. Give me a break, asshole.
And that guy is supposed to have great taste or what?
I can't believe that bird.
And it gets worse after two a.m.
I'll have a word with the neighbors.
Four years.
What?
It's been four years since we last saw each other.
Where were you?
- Is the prick in? - Yeah. Go ahead, Pau.
Where were you? What's the matter?
You knew I couldn't get to my car because of the party.
- Baby, sweetheart.. - No.
I was waiting for you. You were supposed to pick me up.
I swear I was about to get you, baby. I swear.
What are you doing? We have to go now!
Baby, it's just that we're waiting for someone who shouldn't take too long.
What? Waiting my ass! Shut that fucking bird up!
- How can you live like this? - I know. Five minutes, please.
Just five minutes, okay, honey buns?
Who are we waiting for?
We're waiting for someone who went to the store to get a bottle of booze.
As soon as he gets back, we'll leave.
- Booze? - Yes, baby. And then we can go.
Give me a break! You're a disgusting drunk!
Honey, it's not for me. Baby, really!
You know what? Bye.
Baby? Honey?
Mudo, tell Jaque I went to my Mom's party.
Okay, Pau.
I don't think anyone's home.
What do you want?
Good evening. We would like to ask you with all due respect..
To shut that fucking bird up!
Don't you realize there are other people living here?
Fucking bird from hell!
That bird was a present from my grandmother before she died.
I'm quite fond of it. It doesn't bother you that much, does it?
If you ever knock here again, I'm going to be bothered.
Now scram! Both of you!
How's this one?
Have you met the neighbors?
- What happened? - Nothing. Let's go.
Tere, answer that.
Answer the phone.
Hello?
I'd like to speak to Mrs. Gabriela Cabos, please.
Speaking. What can I do for you?
Plenty.
We have kidnapped
your husband. He's alive, but not for long.
We want twenty..
You know what? Tell Oscar that if he doesn't want to come
to my birthday party, to stay 'kidnapped' in his office,
he can go fuck himself.
Give me a fucking break!
You said no one was coming.
I'll see who it is.
What's up?
- What's up with what? - What do you mean about what?
Yeah, about what?
You know. Why haven't you changed?
Changed for what? What?
It's my mom's birthday. I told you.
Between you and Jaque, I'm going nuts.
- What was that? - What was what?
- Are you with someone? - No. Why?
- I heard something. - Yeah? No.
I think it's coming from in here.
- I caught you red-handed. - You bitch.
What if I open the door and find him naked?
Knock it off, Paulina.
What's going on?
- You must be Paulina, right? - Yes.
Honey, why didn't you tell me she was so beautiful?
I'm Botcha. Lula's boyfriend.
You bitch! Why didn't you tell me?
No wonder you were acting so weird.
That's why you've been cutting classes, right?
Look, you have to blame Botchis for that,
because he asked me to keep it a secret and.. you know.
It's more romantic. Don't you think?
This is awesome!
Both of you have to come to my mom's party.
- Thanks, Pau, but.. - We'd love to.
That's it. Hold on.
I'll tell my mom. She won't believe it.
How long has it been since the two of you have spoken?
Oh, it's been a while.
Hello?
- Hello? Mom? - Where are you?
Guess what? Lula has a boyfriend.
You don't say. Put her on. I want to congratulate her.
Hold on.
Hello?
- Lula. How are you? - Mrs. Cabos. How are you?
- So you're coming with my daughter? - Yes.
- And your new boyfriend? - Yeah, right. He's coming with us.
- I think that's wonderful. - In fact, we were just leaving, okay?
Don't be late.
Thank you very much and happy birthday.
Get all dressed up.. kisses for you.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
- So.. shall we? - Let's go.
Where did she say she was going?
To the party.
Why did you let her leave?
Because we didn't know she was going to take the car.
Her father is in the trunk of that car.
- Inside a plastic bag. - Out cold.
Stripped naked by his daughter's boyfriend.
God damn it! I didn't take his clothes off!
All right, calm down. She's going to the party, right?
Let's take my car and that's it. Problem solved.
My change.
And the rest.
Oh. Sorry.
I forgot my wallet. I have to go back for it.
- I won't be long. - Okay.
Don't be.
He's cute, isn't he?
Let's see them fucking ignore us again.
Anything comes up, you call us.
Take care of him.
- Ready. - Good.
She can drive, right?
Good evening, sir. Valet?
What?
Your car, sir. I'm from valet parking.
- So? - Ruben, give him your keys.
You're really insane if you think
I'm going to hand my car keys to this child.
Relax, sir. I'll take good care of your car.
I'm sure you won't.
Ruben, stop jerking around.
Let's just go inside, fix our little problem and go home.
Your car will be fine.
Here.
If something happens to it, I'll kill you.
No. Don't laugh. I'll kill you.
You know what? It would be better if we split up.
You know Paulina well. Why don't you go with Ruben?
I'll go with him.
Tony, go with him. Don't worry about me. Go on.
What's the matter with Jaque? I swear I'll kill him.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing. Why?
I don't know. You're too weird.
Very serious. It's been a while since we've seen each other.
Tell me something. What are you up to?
I've been hanging out with Botcha, right?
Oh, how sweet. I wish Jaque was like that.
We have to drop this off.
Botcha, put that thing away. Jesus!
We have to leave it someplace it can be seen.
Well, go upstairs to any bedroom.
Leave it there. In the meantime I'll distract these idiots.
If something happens we'll call each other on our cell phones.
Don't be long. Please.
Okay, then.
Where did Botchis run off to?
Botcha. He'll be right back.
What's your problem?
I don't get it, man. I just don't get it.
What did you say?
Are you talking to me?
Because there's no one else here.
What?
What did you say, fucker?
What was that? What was that? You fuck!
No. You fuckin' said something.
Now look at me and say it to my face. You fuck!
You fuck!
Look, if you don't tell me, asshole,
I'll beat your ass so bad.
That's going to hurt a lot. You fuck!
It's my father.
And how do you say "hello" in Hawaii, mom?
Did you forget already? Aloha.
- Last year.. - Arabian..
Wonderful.
They were at each other's throats.
- Of course! - It was great.
- That was awesome. - Hello?
Lula? We're in deep shit!
What's wrong, Nico?
You have to come right now and help me out.
All right. Just let me find Botcha and we'll get over there.
No. Come alone. Don't bring Botcha.
Why not?
Lula, trust me. Don't bring Botcha.
Nico, I'm on my way. Don't move.
Pau, come here.
- What is it? - I need you to give me a hand.
What's wrong?
My neighbor just called. My apartment is flooded.
What? How?
Yes. And I need to borrow your car. Please, I beg you.
Sure. But it's going to be a problem
getting one out of the driveway. Take Jaque's car.
- Whatever. Thanks. - It's right outside.
Thanks a bunch. I'll call you later, okay?
- Good luck with that. - I'll be right back. I'll call you.
Where is Lula going?
Her apartment is flooded. She got a call from her neighbor.
I want you to meet Fernando Calles, son of Betty Calles.
He was studying in Paris. He's not only handsome, but speaks four languages.
I need the keys to my car.
Aren't you going to say hello to my mom?
- Good evening. - Good evening, Jaque.
- Honey, my car keys. - Look at the time.
Jaque, please introduce me to your friend.
Mrs. Gaby. Tony. Tony, Mrs. Gaby. Honey?
Charmed.
If you only want to be happy, only be happy,
two souls in the dark must look for each other.
A man and a woman will meet.
Baby, it's just that this is an..
What were you doing? Where were you?
Baby, all I need are the keys to my car.
- They'll be here soon. - What do you mean they'll be here?
Lula borrowed your car because she had an emergency.
- But she'll be right back. - What?
Oh, come on. Don't overreact. She knows how to drive.
Hold on. Let me introduce you to Cathy.
Cathy, this is Jaque.
I can't believe it.
Mom?
When they're close they'll dream and kiss.
In tender loving embrace, full of warmth,
they'll fall in love and foretell the faithful promise..
Let's go.
- I still can't find her. - I found her, man. Let's go.
Jesus Christ, man.
- Hello? - Where the fuck are you?
- I'm almost home. - Your home?
Nico called me. There's an emergency.
I tried to reach you but I never found you.
God damn it! I'm on my way. Don't do anything until I get there.
Botcha, hold on. What did you do with the finger?
That's none of your business.
I left it somewhere they can't miss.
Tomorrow we'll get our money. As soon as they see the finger
they'll give it to us.
Where are we going?
To Lula's place. She took my car. We have to get it back.
- Why did she take your car? - No, no. Don't ask.
What do you mean, don't ask? Tell me why.
Shit, man. Paulina gave her the keys. It was a mess.
She took it home and now we have to get it.
- We? What about you? - You staying here or what?
Oh, yes. It's so nice here.
Besides, how do you know where Lula lives?
You moron, it's my girlfriend's best friend, I know where she lives.
Since when do you know where your girlfriend's friends live?
- I don't know all of them. - She knows where I live.
- Yeah, what's her last name. - Who? Her? Raybed.
- Oh, yes. Sarabia? - No, asshole. The Raybed..
- Oh, come on. - I've known her all my life.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go now.
- What's the matter? - He tried to steal my car.
Get down. Down.
I told you to stop. Get out, I'll drive.
So, Ruben. Who was that guy? Why is he shooting at us?
I don't have the slightest idea. That's why we're going back.
- We can't go back. - Let's go back and kick his ass.
Lula has my father-in-law in the trunk of the car. We have to go to her place.
Mudo, talk to your friend.
His father-in-law is in the trunk.
Yes. Ruben, my father-in-law is in the trunk.
Give me a break. There's nothing we can..
It's this asshole.
- Oh my God! - Wait! Look at them!
Son of a bitch!
My car!
- Which way, man? - I don't know.
Gate!
- What the fuck is his problem? - It's being torn apart!
He shot my taillight.
I'll get you two for the price of one at the flea market!
There goes the other!
He hit my other taillight. He's finishing off my car.
Jesus, man. Two for one. Shut the fuck up!
Where did it hit? What did he hit?
I'll kill him. I'll tear him a new asshole.
God damn it, man!
And you, too. This is your fault.
This piece of shit won't go any faster. It ain't my fucking fault.
- Did you just call my car a piece of shit? - This is a piece of shit.
- That's it! - What are you doing?
Watch it!
I'll drive.
So? Who is this guy?
It's Botcha's father.
What?
What the fuck is Botcha's father doing here?
- We made a mistake. - We? Asshole!
Are you going to help me or what?
I know. Look. We'll get him out of here and dump him somewhere
and we tell Botcha that Mr. Cabos got away from you.
- That he got away from me? - No, sorry, Nico.
Look, maybe we tell him that you took the wrong person.
That he cut off his own father's fingers, that he shot him,
and that you've beaten the living crap out of him.
Okay, I like your first idea.
Go to the kitchen and get one of those large hefty bags.
We can't take him out like this.
- So that's the plan? - Yes. Nico.
This is between you and me.
No one else.
And we don't say anything about him being his father.
No.
If you can keep your mouth shut, so can I.
- Where do we put him? - Here. In this trunk.
- Apúrate. - Ya.
It won't open.
Move over, moron.
See? It's jammed.
Well, help me. Don't just stand there.
- Where do we put him now? - What do you mean where?
We leave him here and forget about it. It's not our problem.
But it won't open.
I'll get a crowbar.
- A what? - A crowbar.
What's that?
Jesus, Nico. You really are a moron.
Oh, yeah? What does obtuse mean?
- Obtuse? - Yes, obtuse.
Obtuse. Adjective. Dull. Slow learner. Clumsy.
Like you.
Fucking illiterate fucking bastard.
That asshole got my father-in-law out of the trunk!
Jaque. Mudo. You wait here. Tony, come with me.
Where's Tony?
Stay in the car.
- I hate fights. - Wait, wait. My car.
I believe you can explain what happened.
What?
You put my father in the trunk instead of Mr. Cabos.
Just between you and me, right?
Nico.
You snitch! Just let me get out of this, you bitch, and I swear..
Shut up, you moron.
Listen to me, asshole.
If we don't find my father's finger, I'll give him this one.
Ruben, how are we going to get this guy inside
without everyone noticing?
I have no idea. But we just leave him here and get out of here fast.
Why?
Party's great.
I reckon it is, Mudo. But we shouldn't be socializing
in the house of the guy we're dumping on the front lawn.
No. Besides, he could wake up.
And we were never here. Understood?
Understood.
Well. So?
I don't know, boys.
I'm fresh out of ideas. Let me know what you come up with.
No, you have no idea. It took her three days to fix everything.
It is something else. It was fantastic. I really loved it.
- Hold on. - What is it?
- What's your problem? - No, my love..
First I get to your place and I have to take your car
because you never picked me up.
Then, when you get here all you care about is your car?
And then you leave? Like, you know what?
We're through. I don't love you anymore.
Baby..
She meant it this time.
No way, man. Remember that song. The one about the queen?
- Which one? - Yeah, yeah.
Ruben, you just hang on, okay?
When you hear the music, go get the body and come through the front yard.
- But it's full of people. - No, don't worry.
No. Not that song. No. Please, no.
Is this thing on?
- May I borrow it for a second? - Sure.
Thanks.
This is a song for my baby,
because she says she doesn't love me anymore.
Last night I met a fair-skinned teen
and soon after I fell in love with that Bel Air Queen.
Cupid struck me with that arrow,
and now I know not what to borrow.
Wait up! Wait!
Go on! Go!
Oh, Bel Air Queen, when will your love favor me?
I would give you everything
including my whole being.
Everything I sow is
yours for the taking.
My friend Pancha told me that preppie schoolgirls
can't iron or cook.
I will teach you how to,
even from out of a book.
Oh, Bel Air Queen, when will your love favor me?
I would give you everything
including my whole being.
Everything I sow
is yours for the taking.
Queen,
oh my queen, yes my queen,
my Bel Air Queen.
Excuse me. Oh, baby.
Forgive me.
Baby, I love you.
I love you.
I love you too, baby.
That's so sweet. How nice. Come on.
All right. But I have to go now.
What?
Oh, come on! This won't open.
Why do you want to open it, Jaque?
First of all, because it's my trunk. And number two,
because someone told me he was going to fix it, but he didn't.
- Okay, you'll open it tomorrow. - This is tomorrow!
Son of a..
How's it hanging, Mudo? Are you in need of our skills?
You mean as crooks.
You know what, Mudo? I've had it up to here with your shit!
What was that, asshole?
Not now, not now. And you, don't you have anything better to do?
Sure, it's just that I've had enough of this asshole.
Next time try it without your mama, dickhead. Let's go.
You're right. I always keep my word. You go home.
I'll open the trunk for you.
- Thanks, Ruben. - You're welcome.
Hey, do you think I was too hard on Ruben?
No. You were fine. He promised he was going to open the trunk.
Besides, if he can't open it, it's going to be a bitch.
What time is it?
It's late, man.
We have to go to work in a few hours.
What a drag.
There's your parrot friend. He's welcoming you home.
- That's weird. - What?
That stupid bird doesn't make noise
unless someone's in the apartment.
What's going on, man?
Gentlemen, we have a problem.
I want..
No, no, I don't want.
I need to find my father.
Who?
Who.
Hold on, relax. We don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, okay. Son of a..
Here's what we're going to do.
The next one who gives me a wrong answer, I get to hit the other one.
You're joking!
What do you want?
I told you. I want to find my father.
- But why us? - Why you.
Jaque, shut up!
It's up to you. I can keep going like this all day long.
Look, we'd be more than happy to help you,
but tell us exactly what you need.
Fine.
God damn! You shut up, too!
Come on, did it really hurt?
Some.
Then..
Here's what we can do.
You tell us who your father is and we'll find him for you.
I promise. Really, I mean it.
Jaque, please. Shut up.
That's enough, assholes! That's it, you motherfuckers!
Listen. I want my father here, now.
I don't know what you have to do.
So if I don't see a guy inside a black bag right here, right now,
- I'm going to start shooting people. - Look what I found in the trunk..
This is the asshole that shot my car.
So in addition to kidnapping my father,
you're taking my ransom.
I'll say one thing, motherfuckers, if he ain't here..
If my dad ain't here..
God damn it.
I want my dad right here.. You son of a bitch!
Ever. Ever.
- What? - Ever.
The cops will be here any minute.
If you pull that trigger, you get to be Ever.
- What the fuck is that? - What's your name?
None of your God damn business, okay?
It's a simple question. What's your name?
Nico.
Listen, Nicholas.
If you pull that trigger and kill someone here,
the cops will get you for murder.
Now, we're at the Benito Juarez District.
That means you'll be assigned to the 126th Precinct.
They're really tough on murderers there.
Forget about preliminary hearing.
You'll go straight to trial.
And you'll get none other
than the honorable Judge Enrique Hernandez Monroy.
And he'll give you anywhere between 40 and 50 years.
Being in the south side,
you'll wind up at the Southern Federal Penitentiary.
Area 7.
That is where they put the murderers.
In that area, there's only one empty cell.
That's where they put the new ones.
Your cellmate will be
a six-foot-four, very strong individual
that calls himself Marcie.
Your first night there, Marcie will come down from his bunk
to keep you company.
Now, you may be an intelligent, creative, even sinister individual.
But you can't imagine the things that man will do to you.
The rest of the nights you will basically be turned over
to the rest of the inmates from Block 7.
During the time you spend there, you will be called Ever.
They say because time in the joint lasts forever in there.
Forever.
For-Ever.
Like the Americans say.
But in reality,
you're not yourself anymore.
They will call you Ever so you forget who you are.
So, Nicholas, you may pull that trigger
and forget who you are forever.
Or you can decide not to be called
what your parents didn't name you.
That you won't stop being yourself, not today, not ever.
Think about it.
Man, now we're in deep shit.
Move. Right. Get it with your teeth.
You have to get it with your teeth slowly
or you'll never.. more this way. Faster, man.
What the hell are you two perverts doing?
Ruben, give us a hand!
We're in deep shit now.
I don't know what we're going to do.
Besides, the cops will be here soon.
No. Check this out. It can't get any worse.
God damn!
What is it, Mudo?
Look what we have here.
Are you having a good time?
We're broadcasting live from Molino de los Mixiotes,
where only thirty minutes ago a bloody shoot-out took place,
alerting local authorities to the kidnapping of steel tycoon
Oscar Cabos.
In what appears to be an unsuccessful kidnapping,
Mr. Cabos was unharmed.
This is the apartment where the bodies
of the alleged kidnappers were found alongside a dead parrot.
The fact that Mr. Cabos is alive is thanks to the help
of these two neighbors,
who selflessly entered the apartment despite the gunfire to liberate Mr. Cabos.
Here they are. Their names, Jaque and Mudo.
Let's ask them how things were inside?
Please tell us, what happened?
Well, I.. I just heard the shots,
and we went straight against the perpetrators.
Just like that? You were unarmed? Weren't you afraid?
Well, yes. It was a clean fight, right?
Just what a hero is supposed to do.
Being on television was never my thing.
Come on, man, hurry up. We have to go.
How much of a drag is it to go to work?
Such a drag.
Well, pay up and let's go.
What do you mean pay up? I paid last time.
No, you didn't, man. I paid for the chips.
Do you know what kind of shit I just pulled you out of?
And what do you want me to do?
Boys, get to work. I'll pay.
Last thing you need is to be fired for coming in late.
Ruben, thanks a lot.
- You're welcome. - Really, thanks a lot.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome, Jaque.
- Take care. - You too.
- Ruuuben. - Muuuudo.
I owe you one.
We should see each other more often, okay?
Of course.
Keep the change.
Where is my wife?
Did you hear something?
Gabriela.
Wait.
I said, wait!
Gabriela!
My husband!
I'll be right back for you, you fucking bitch whore!
I'll get you for this.
Just let me get my hands on that.. he fucked with the wrong person.
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