1 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:10,559 'I've always known that gods had a sense of humour.' 2 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:14,839 'Why else would they put us all on the back of a giant turtle?' 3 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,319 'Of course, I had assumed I was in on the joke.' 4 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:22,639 'As it turns out, I, Moist von Lipwig, am the butt of it. 5 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,399 Can you fax it to Genua, please, dear? 6 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,319 Bloody hellfire. 7 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,519 When are they gonna spend some money on this system? 8 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,999 Good evening, John Dearheart. 9 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,159 Who's there? 10 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,599 And good night. 11 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,159 Argh! 12 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:16,479 Argh! Argh! 13 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,639 'There is always an angle.' 14 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:32,359 'l've come to realise it's the one thing in life you can rely on.' 15 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,759 'The trick is finding that angle.' 16 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:40,599 'The events I'm about to recount may seem extraordinary, 17 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:44,079 callous, criminal, even.' 18 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,559 'But reflecting on all that's happened, 19 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,159 in many ways, I feel blameless.' 20 00:03:55,480 --> 00:04:00,839 'Perhaps you'd be more sympathetic if I started from the very beginning.' 21 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:07,239 'You see, on the day I was orphaned, I had only two things to my name - 22 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,239 the family nag, and "nag" is being generous, 23 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,239 and my wits.' 24 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:19,999 'But wit, and a bit of boot polish, can turn a nag into a horse... 25 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,039 ...for about 20 minutes.' 26 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,759 'Which is all I needed.' 27 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:35,959 '12 horse trades later, and I had enough cash to get into diamonds.' 28 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:38,519 $25. 29 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:39,719 Is that all? 30 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:48,959 'Got her.' 31 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:54,719 'She'd seen a $100 diamond, but she'd bought a $1 lump of glass.' 32 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,559 'You see, I'm a firm believer in the saying, 33 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,479 "you can't fool an honest man".' 34 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,319 'It was on this premise that I built my career.' 35 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,119 'Rob, trick, forge, embezzle.' 36 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,879 'I can't deny I did every con in the book.' 37 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,639 'And when I finished the book of cons, 38 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,239 I started writing chapters of my own.' 39 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,879 News! 40 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,879 Times! Times! 41 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,519 Bond crisis rambles on! 42 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,239 Albert Spangler, chief bursar for the Undertakers Guild. 43 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,999 You might be interested in our compensation scheme 44 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,519 for losses incurred by the, er... 45 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,799 ...fake bond scandal. 46 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,599 'Good dollars for fake bonds, fake dollars for good bonds.' 47 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,439 'Switch the cash bags, 48 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,359 add a dash of short change, 49 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,839 bank on a little greed...' 50 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:02,399 'By the time we'd finished, I was $200 up.' 51 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:07,399 'Not a fortune, but enough for a good night on the town.' 52 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,719 Albert Spangler? 53 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:33,319 Never heard of him. But for you, I could be anyone. 54 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,159 Could you be lunch? 55 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:42,239 'How was I to know the City Watch's finest sergeant was a werewolf?' 56 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,279 Eurgh! 57 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,239 'I'd been in tighter spots.' 58 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,439 'The mortar was soft.' 59 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,999 'With a decent metal spoon and time on my hands, 60 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,439 a few weeks' hard digging and I'd be free.' 61 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,039 Well done, Mr Lipwig. 62 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,639 You set this up. 63 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,399 Lord Vetinari's orders. 64 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,679 He calls it occupational therapy. 65 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,679 Occupa... l call it torture. 66 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,199 Not upset, are you? 67 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,039 Only you've really entered into the spirit of the thing. 68 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,399 Admirable, the way you kept going, 69 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,399 stuffing all the dust into your mattress. 70 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,399 Very tidy. 71 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,599 Now, you really should get some rest. 72 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,759 We'll be hanging you in half an hour. 73 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,439 Hanging? For one little con? 74 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,559 That and these. 75 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:59,199 There's got to be at least $150,000 worth of fraud here. 76 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,079 And these are just the cons we can prove. 77 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:18,919 Good morning, sir. 78 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,999 I am Trooper and I will be your executioner for today. 79 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,519 Don't look so worried, sir, I've hanged hundreds of people 80 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,639 and we'll have you out of here in no time. 81 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,439 That's what I'm worried about. 82 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,999 Now, before we start, about your rope, sir. 83 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,999 It sounds strange, but there's a lot of specialist collectors out there 84 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,399 and I'm gonna auction it on the clacks. 85 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,959 It's the coming thing, you know. Worth more signed, of course. 86 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,719 Much obliged. 87 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,079 Which just leaves the small matter of your final words. 88 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,999 I wasn't actually expecting to die. 89 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,079 Very good. We haven't had that one before(!) 90 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,039 Everybody ready? Not me. Not me. 91 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,359 Oh, you are a card, sir. 92 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:08,319 I bring an edict from Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. 93 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,479 A reprieve! 94 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,399 He says to get on with it. 95 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,319 The last words, sir? 96 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,199 I commend my soul to any god that can find it. 97 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,679 Very nice, we'll go with that. 98 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,159 Ah, Mr Lipwig, I see you are awake. 99 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,799 And still alive at the present time. 100 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,159 Ooh! 101 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,439 You've danced the sisal two-step. 102 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,959 It's a very precise science, hanging a man, 103 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,279 and Mr Trooper is a master. 104 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,519 But only an expert would have spotted 105 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,359 that you were hanged to within an inch of your life. 106 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,879 The last inch being the crux of the matter. 107 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,999 You see, sometimes, 108 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,399 when a man has made such a foul and tangled mess of his life 109 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,039 that death appears to be the only option... 110 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,799 ...an angel appears 111 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,239 and offers him a change of life. 112 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,159 I should like you to think of me as that angel. 113 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,839 I'm offering you a new life. 114 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,639 And a job. 115 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,159 Little sips. 116 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:56,679 Now, perhaps, I should point out that door behind you. 117 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,679 If, after hearing my proposition, you wish to leave, 118 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,119 you have only to step through that door 119 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,319 and you will never hear from me again. 120 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:16,359 The job in question is to reopen the Ankh-Morpork Post Office. 121 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,519 The Post Office? Mmm. 122 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,759 A moment. 123 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:23,799 Oh! 124 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,479 'Certain death or the Post Office?' 125 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,559 'Hardly a choice, more an alternative.' 126 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,679 'l'd seen enough of the inside of a coffin for one day.' 127 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,079 You see, the really interesting thing about angels... 128 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,079 ...is that you only ever get the one. 129 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,519 Do we understand each other, Mr Lipwig? 130 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,399 Perfectly. 131 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,479 Welcome to government service. 132 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,039 And the wage is $20 a week. 133 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,759 Not bad at all. 134 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,119 Please. 135 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,159 Oh, I almost forgot. 136 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,119 Your parole officer will meet you outside in ten minutes. 137 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,399 Parole officer? 138 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,759 But I'm a respectable member of society now. 139 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,159 Oh, he's a very respectable parole officer. 140 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,159 Whoo-hoo! 141 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,719 'The fools had gifted me a second chance.' 142 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,359 'All I had to do was run faster and run longer.' 143 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,079 'The plains lay ahead of me.' 144 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,159 'By nightfall, I'd be in a feather bed 145 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,799 and, by morning, I'd be back in business.' 146 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,079 Uh? 147 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,719 You can't run and you can't hide, Mr Lipwig. 148 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,839 That's what you think. 149 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:20,959 You gotta be kidding. 150 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,319 Argh! 151 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,119 The rules must be obeyed. 152 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,679 A-a-a-rgh! 153 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:50,919 I have nothing but good feelings towards you, Mr Lipwig. 154 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:52,959 What the hell are you?! 155 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:59,439 I am your parole officer and your safety is my concern. 156 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,719 Regrettably, we meet again. 157 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:11,999 Yet I specifically remember saying that you only ever get one angel. 158 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,479 You didn't say you were gonna set a clay monster on me. 159 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,679 Rather harsh. 160 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,199 Mr Pump is not a monster, he's a golem. 161 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,759 It walked all night, carrying me and a horse. Quite. 162 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:32,879 You have to sleep, Mr Pump does not. You have to eat, Mr Pump does not. 163 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,479 There is no escape for you. 164 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,919 There is only a choice between reopening the Post Office and... 165 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,679 But... 166 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,359 Who cares about the Post Office? 167 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,279 No one posts anything any more, 168 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,039 it's all clacks, clacks, clacks - look at it. 169 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,639 Do you play Thud, Mr Lipwig? 170 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,039 It's a fascinating game. 171 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,119 My current opponent is far away in Uberwald and we play by clacks. 172 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:13,359 Well, that's the theory, but there are so many service breakdowns. 173 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,959 Now, as a disgruntled customer, 174 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,319 I should be able to take my business elsewhere, 175 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,879 but with no postal service, I am stuck. 176 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,039 And I don't like to be stuck, Mr Lipwig. 177 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,119 But why me? 178 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,919 Because wheels are in motion, Mr Lipwig. 179 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,999 Wheels within wheels. 180 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,719 And it is time for your cog to turn. 181 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:42,399 The postmaster has the use of a small apartment. 182 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,759 And I believe there is a hat, too. 183 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:45,999 Mmm. 184 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,599 'There was nothing for it but to deploy Rule 13 - 185 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,959 when captured, turn enemies into friends.' 186 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,239 Can we talk frankly, Mr Pump? 187 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,879 A golem is incapable of lying. 188 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,119 Really? How unfortunate for you. 189 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,759 Fact is, I'm worried. 190 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:23,119 Lord Vetinari works you so hard. 191 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,039 It's just not right. 192 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,319 I was built to work. 193 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,319 Don't you ever just want to kick back and take a day off? 194 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,159 You misunderstand. 195 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:41,479 Pump is not my name, it's my description. Pump 19. 196 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,519 I stood at the bottom of a hole 100 feet deep 197 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:49,799 and pumped water into the city, for two centuries. 198 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:55,799 But now, I walk in the sunlight, feel the wind on my face. 199 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,919 This is better. 200 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,919 Trouble is, sooner or later, 201 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:04,199 someone always comes along and blocks out your sun. 202 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,879 What do you do then, Mr Pump? 203 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,559 Ah, it doesn't look in bad shape at all. 204 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,559 This is not the Post Office. 205 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:23,919 That is. 206 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:43,119 "No glom of nit 207 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:48,759 can stay these mes engers abot their duty." 208 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,439 What the hell does that mean? 209 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:57,639 It means, you have work to do. 210 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,439 Really. Where do they find them? 211 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,159 We should be, er, going now, Reacher. 212 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,399 Have you seen this, Horsefry? 213 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,639 It looks likes some other fool 214 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,519 has been suckered in to running the Post Office. 215 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,679 If we're late for Vetinari, we'll be in big trouble. 216 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,559 Oh. 217 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:41,719 Remind me to look appropriately scared. 218 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,559 They can't expect me to fix this on my own. 219 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,239 Oh! You won't be on your own, sir. 220 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,759 Groat, sir, junior postman Groat. 221 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,679 One word from you, sir, and I will... 222 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,959 I will leap into action. 223 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,199 Junior postman Groat? 224 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,199 Indeed, sir, yes - it should be senior, 225 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:59,119 but nobody's ever stayed long enough to promote me. 226 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,479 And you are it? 227 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,839 Oh, no, sir, that would be ridiculous. No, no. 228 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,879 Well, I want to meet my entire staff. 229 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,559 Oh, certainly, I'll take you straight to him, sir. 230 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:11,799 Come this way. 231 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,279 Stanley! 232 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,599 Mr Lipwig, the new postmaster. 233 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,839 Oh. 234 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,799 Oh, I see you know something about pins, Stanley. 235 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:30,759 No, sir. 236 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,759 I know everything about pins. 237 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,999 Last year, the pinneries of Ankh-Morpork 238 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:43,479 turned out 27,880,972 pins. 239 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,719 Born in the sorting room, sir. Learned to read from envelopes. 240 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,439 We did our best for him, but he's a bit "return to sender", 241 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,759 if you know what I mean. 242 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,639 That includes wax-headed, steels, 243 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,799 brasses, silver-headed, extra-large... 244 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,359 ...and novelty. 245 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:05,879 Yes. 246 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,199 I saw a magazine about this once. 247 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,759 Pins Monthly? 248 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,559 That rag is for hobbyists. 249 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:20,559 True pinheads only read Total Pins. 250 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,159 Ah. Erm, will you be staying down here with us, sir? 251 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:33,039 No, no. I was told there's an official apartment. 252 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,719 Oh, you want to stay there? 253 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:43,359 There is the hat, too, sir. The hat of office. 254 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,959 Ah! 255 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,279 Ah, ha-ha. Magnificent. 256 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,039 It's magnificent, isn't it, sir? 257 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,999 You don't seriously expect me to put that on my head? 258 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,639 It's a time-honoured tradition, sir, 259 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,159 and it must sit on the postmaster's head. 260 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,199 Get off me! 261 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,959 Sit with dignity. Stop it, Mr Groat! Enough! 262 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,639 This is going straight to the city dump. 263 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,759 We expected more keenness from the postmaster. 264 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,999 Keenness? Like him and his pins. 265 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,119 Keenness beyond the bounds of sanity. 266 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:27,359 Perhaps, if you'd been a bit more keen about being postmen, 267 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,999 we wouldn't have a million letters stuck out there. 268 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,839 I don't think I like him, Mr Groat. 269 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:43,799 Don't worry, Stanley, he won't be here long. 270 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,159 The problem is, Mr Gilt, 271 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:53,079 since you acquired the clacks, breakdowns have increased. 272 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:57,679 The speed of messages has slowed and the cost to customers has risen. 273 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,239 With respect, my Lord, 274 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,839 we are answerable to our shareholders, not to you. 275 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,759 Then perhaps your shareholders will be interested to learn 276 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,519 that I am reopening the Post Office. 277 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:17,399 That lumbering, overstaffed monster that collapsed under its own weight? 278 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,959 The people of Ankh-Morpork deserve choice 279 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:25,479 and currently, the only choice they have is between you and nothing. 280 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,039 And the problem is? 281 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,599 Don't let me detain you. 282 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,999 Is that an original bluestone slab? 283 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,799 I take my Thud very seriously. 284 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,199 We should play a game sometime. 285 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:02,079 We already are, Mr Gilt. We already are. 286 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:07,559 He really means business, this time, Reacher. He really does. 287 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,159 Don't panic, to mean business 288 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,359 you need to have a business to start with. 289 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,759 And... What's that on your face? 290 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,999 It's nothing. Just nerves. 291 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,599 It's revolting. 292 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,479 Anyway, this fellow Lipwig has half-wits for staff 293 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,639 and a four-year backlog of mail. 294 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,239 There will be no renaissance. 295 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:35,079 Especially once I've enlightened him. 296 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,319 Enlightened him! 297 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,199 What happened here? 298 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,759 Happen, sir? 299 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,879 Post offices should deliver mail, not hoard it. 300 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,999 We-we just, er, just got a bit behind, sir. 301 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,159 What was that? 302 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,959 Er, er, what, sir? It's probably just a pigeon, sir. 303 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,359 Mr Groat, I don't think you're being honest with me. 304 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,159 Maybe I should just sack you all. 305 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,439 Er... 306 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:34,359 You could do that, sir, but then, who would fill the inkwells, sir? 307 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:37,119 Inkwells? Gotta keep the inkwells filled, sir. 308 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,239 Just like in the old days. Yes. 309 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,999 Ah, you should've seen it, sir. 310 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,639 Brass and copper everywhere, 311 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:48,279 counters of rare wood and teams of postmen. 312 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,479 Teams, sir, all lined up under the great clock. 313 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:56,199 Their uniforms all royal blue with brass buttons. 314 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,319 Ah, this must be my apartment. 315 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,319 Now, all we've got is you, sir. 316 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,919 'You might understand, by this point, 317 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:15,079 I was almost feeling nostalgic for the gallows.' 318 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,519 'This wasn't a Post Office, it was a lunatic asylum.' 319 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:21,919 'Somehow, I had to escape.' 320 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,399 Excellent work, Mr Pump. 321 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:29,519 That's it, you just keep on shovelling. 322 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,759 Don't stop for anything, now. 323 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:39,999 I have your Karmic signature on my internal tablet. 324 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:42,959 Fascinating. 325 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:47,879 Which means I know where you are at all times. 326 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,919 So, if you were thinking of escape... 327 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,079 Escape? Me? 328 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:54,359 No, no, no. 329 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,519 No, I was just off to er... 330 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:59,839 Erm... Um... 331 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,879 ...deliver a letter. 332 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,319 Isn't that what postmasters do? 333 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:15,799 I will know if this is not delivered. 334 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:17,639 Don't you trust me, Mr Pump? 335 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:22,399 I want to trust you, Mr Lipwig, I really want to. 336 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,279 'Everyone has their levers.' 337 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:40,719 'With Pump, it was doing your duty.' 338 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,879 'With Groat, it was promotion.' 339 00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:46,199 'But with Stanley...' 340 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:53,639 Well, well. 341 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:16,839 Hello. Hmm. 342 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,119 (Ow!) 343 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:32,519 ls, uh... 344 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,159 Is this a good one? 345 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,759 It's alright for the novice, I suppose. 346 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:46,839 Personally, I prefer Practical Pins or World of Pins. 347 00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:52,199 Then there's Pins Monthly, New Pins, Modern Pins, Pins Extra, 348 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:58,439 Pins international, Talking Pins, Total Pins, Pins and Pinneries. 349 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,159 Or... 350 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,159 Certainly has a lot of women in leather. 351 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,279 Yeah. But they're all holding pins. 352 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:35,239 (Actually, I was wondering if you'd got anything a bit sharper?) 353 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,999 I don't do nails. We get kids in here. 354 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,159 No, no, strictly pins, that's me. 355 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:52,079 Well, as it happens, I might have one or two items 356 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,319 for the genuine collector. 357 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,719 Excuse me. 358 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:21,199 I'm looking for Antimony Parker. 359 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,079 He's out the back, tackling the difficult cabbage. 360 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,279 Perhaps you could give him this. 361 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:33,719 Tell him the Post Office apologises for the delay. 362 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:40,079 Don't worry. It can't be a bill, it's sealed with a loving kiss. 363 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:42,399 OK. 364 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:46,159 I know it's been a while, but we're finally reopening. 365 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,439 I'm the new postmaster. 366 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:54,599 I am so sorry. I really am. 367 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,159 You've really done it now, Mr Lipwig. 368 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:03,199 Who the hell are you? 369 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,919 The man who's trying to save your life. 370 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,159 Step aboard. 371 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,479 They didn't tell you, did they? 372 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,519 Tell me what, Mr...? 373 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,959 Gilt. Reacher Gilt. 374 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:38,639 You know about the Post Office? 375 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:40,919 I know about everything that goes on in this city 376 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:41,999 and I'm begging you, 377 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,999 run straight back to wherever it is you've come from. 378 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,159 If only it was that easy. 379 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:50,519 Mr Lipwig, whoever gave you this job has put you in mortal peril. 380 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:53,639 The fact is, the last four postmasters have died 381 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:55,839 in dreadful circumstances. 382 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:58,639 Died? 383 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:02,559 They say the Post Office has a curse on it. 384 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,959 And now you've actually delivered a letter... 385 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,119 Why would anyone curse the Post Office? 386 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:13,079 I'd be more worried about why no one told you. 387 00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:14,199 Oh! 388 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,679 'So, facing imminent death, 389 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:19,319 I decided to approach my staff in a calm and rational manner.' 390 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,199 Were you just gonna stand by and watch? 391 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:24,079 You can't shout at me, sir. 392 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:27,039 While I met a gruesome end. It's against regulations. 393 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,039 Bugger the regulations! Don't you hurt Mr Groat! 394 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:33,599 Oh! Stanley, Stanley, wait! Look what I've found. 395 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,319 I was just walking down Market Street and there it was, 396 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,079 between two cobblestones. 397 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:45,519 Is it a number-three, broad-headed extra-long? 398 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,119 And it was just lying around? 399 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,079 That's hard to believe, isn't it? 400 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:51,999 It's a collector's piece. 401 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,679 But it's yours now, Stanley. 402 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:56,159 Really, Mr Lipwig? 403 00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:10,159 I have got a place ready and waiting for it. 404 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:20,559 I'm sorry I broke the regulations, senior postman Groat. 405 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:23,199 That's all very well, sir, but... 406 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:26,799 Did you say "senior postman", sir? 407 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:30,879 I'm in charge, which means I can promote you, yes? 408 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,919 Now, senior postman Groat, let's pop upstairs 409 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:42,319 and discuss exactly what you know about those dead postmasters. 410 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:55,879 What do you think? 411 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,639 Actually, it quite suits you. 412 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:04,439 I'm sorry if I was disrespectful about your traditions. 413 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,359 Perhaps I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. 414 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:09,279 I understand, sir, yes. 415 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:14,879 Yes. Well, the Post Office was one of the great ships of state, sir. 416 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,239 So what happened to the previous captains? 417 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,079 They were very unlucky, sir. 418 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,359 Postmaster Mutable was the first. Decent chap. 419 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,199 He fell into the sorting hall from the fifth floor, 420 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,479 smack, sir, smack on to the marble, head-first. 421 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:31,799 Oh, it was like a melon hitting. I get the picture. 422 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:34,759 Then there was Postmaster Sideburn. 423 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:38,679 He fell down the back stairs and broke his neck. 424 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,879 Three in the morning, it was. 425 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,959 So they all fell? No, sir. 426 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:49,599 Postmaster lgnavia, he was just lying dead on the floor. 427 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,199 Dead as a door knob, sir, 428 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,399 with his face contorted, like he'd seen a ghost. 429 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:59,799 A ghost? Then it is true. 430 00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:01,879 The curse. 431 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:03,799 No, that's just malicious talk. 432 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:07,719 I swear me and Stanley have never seen nothing of no ghost. 433 00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:08,759 Sir... 434 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:16,159 All I'm asking for is a head start. 435 00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:18,399 No, Mr Lipwig. 436 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,999 Your punishment is to fix the Post Office. 437 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:25,319 Exactly. Not to meet a horrible death. 438 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:28,319 I am just a conman. 439 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:33,719 You have killed 22.8 people. 440 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:36,239 I've never so much as drawn a sword. 441 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:40,999 You have stolen, embezzled and swindled. 442 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,239 You have ruined businesses and destroyed lives. 443 00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:49,519 When banks fail, it's not bankers who starve. 444 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:54,439 In 1,000 small ways, you have hastened the deaths of many. 445 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:59,639 You did not know them. You did not see them bleed. 446 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:03,719 But you snatched bread from their mouths. 447 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:09,399 There will be no running. 448 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:08,919 Hands where I can see them. 449 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,839 If you're trying to kill me, you'll have to get in line. 450 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,159 We had some unwelcome visitors last night. 451 00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:35,639 This must be yours, then? 452 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,879 You can keep it. 453 00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:44,999 I prefer my clay with more life in it. 454 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,839 So, erm, why did they...? 455 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,919 Some people don't like golems. 456 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:52,799 They think they take away jobs. 457 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,599 The trust stands up for golem rights. 458 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:57,399 Moist von Lipwig. 459 00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,639 Oh. That's quite a name. 460 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,319 Were your parents stupid or just plain cruel? 461 00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:07,919 Doting. If a little unwise. 462 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:10,959 Adora Belle Dearheart. 463 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,479 I've never seen black look so adorable. 464 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:16,679 If you say "adorable", I'll be forced to shoot you after all. 465 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,559 Sorry. Couldn't resist. 466 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:24,879 I'm in mourning, if you must know. 467 00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,319 Oh... I'm sorry. 468 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,279 I doubt it. 469 00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,319 'This was not a good start.' 470 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:42,639 'What surprised me was how much I wanted it to be a good start.' 471 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:46,719 'Of course, I'd heard about emotions like these 472 00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:48,359 but I'd never actually felt any.' 473 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:50,439 Now that we've been appropriately human, 474 00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:51,719 what was it you wanted? 475 00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:54,999 I need to find out what makes golems tick. 476 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:56,119 We do a pamphlet. 477 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,439 Five pence. 478 00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:10,679 The thing is, I'm trying to persuade mine to see the bigger picture. 479 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:13,599 If you want to manipulate him, you might as well give up now. 480 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:17,119 M-m-manipulate. Such an ugly word. 481 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:25,359 The great thing about golems is they're loyal and incorruptible. 482 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,639 Unlike people. 483 00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:30,159 How-how true. 484 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:33,919 Which golem is it? 485 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,599 Pump 19. 486 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:40,279 Hmm. Oh. The Post Office. 487 00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:41,919 So you must be...? 488 00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:44,119 The postmaster. Yes. 489 00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:45,119 Well. 490 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:50,119 If anyone can save Mrs Lipwig from becoming a widow, it's Pump 19. 491 00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:57,759 Actually, there is no Mrs Lipwig. 492 00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:01,279 You don't say. 493 00:41:02,240 --> 00:41:03,279 Miss Dearheart. 494 00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:08,879 I don't suppose you'd like to have dinner tonight? 495 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:10,279 With you? 496 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:12,319 No. 497 00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,639 I've got things to do, but thanks for asking. 498 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,279 No problem. 499 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:27,599 Just remember. If you want to stay alive, stay close to Pump 19. 500 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,079 Very close. 501 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:35,839 Promise me you won't leave. 502 00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:37,759 I promise. 503 00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:48,039 If the curse were to strike tonight, what could you actually do? 504 00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:50,759 Improvise. 505 00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:17,599 Mr Pump? 506 00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:19,599 Mr Pump! 507 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:35,319 Brr! 508 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:40,519 Oh! 509 00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:05,359 Mr Pump! 510 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:16,639 Argh! Get away! 511 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:19,839 No. 512 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:24,959 No, no! 513 00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:26,599 Mr Lipwig. No! 514 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:28,319 Mr Lipwig! 515 00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:30,319 Wake up. 516 00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:32,919 Did you see it? 517 00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:38,439 The farmer. 518 00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:41,359 I stood here all night. You slept soundly. 519 00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,839 No! it was real. 520 00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:51,679 I can't stay here. 521 00:44:58,360 --> 00:44:59,679 Are you the postmaster? 522 00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:01,999 What? You delivered this. 523 00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:04,359 I didn't mean any harm. 524 00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:06,759 I was just doing my... job. 525 00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:10,359 Ah. You've made me the happiest man in the world. 526 00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:14,559 She said yes. She's gonna marry me. It was just stuck in the post. 527 00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:17,559 All this time, I thought she didn't care, 528 00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,559 but now you're back in business. 529 00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,639 The wedding invitations. 530 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:24,599 You're giving us letters. 531 00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:26,719 Oh, sorry. Lots to organise. 532 00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:35,719 How does it feel to make someone's life better, Mr Lipwig? 533 00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:39,479 Unusual. 534 00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,639 Just what we need, more letters. 535 00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,559 I'll put them in the queue. 536 00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,519 Maybe you should deliver them. 537 00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:56,279 What? Deliver them? 538 00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,159 You're all postmen. 539 00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:01,919 Surely it's your solemn duty to deliver? 540 00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:04,039 Hmm? 541 00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:06,759 Now, how does it work? 542 00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,839 You got the money, did you sir? Mm-hm. 543 00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:12,519 Then we need to put the official stamp on, that's it, 544 00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:13,959 to show that it has been paid. 545 00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:18,479 Oh, yes, er... Right. 546 00:46:20,920 --> 00:46:26,559 I get this stamp. This stamp. And bang it on the ink pad. 547 00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:33,119 And then, sir, then, I bang it. Bang it on the letter. 548 00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:35,119 There. 549 00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:38,679 Oh. 550 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:43,599 Oh, you don't know how good it feels to do that again. 551 00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:51,399 And this is worth a penny? 552 00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:52,639 Yes. 553 00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:08,999 Opportunity knocks. 554 00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:12,879 It's not strictly your line of printing, Mr Spools, but look. 555 00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:14,679 The old-fashioned way. 556 00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:17,359 Queue up at the Post Office to get your letter stamped. 557 00:47:18,880 --> 00:47:19,879 Now. 558 00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:23,519 A new way. 559 00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:27,439 Everybody buys their stamps in advance, to use at their leisure. 560 00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:32,559 Good grief. A kid could forge this with half a potato. 561 00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:36,759 That's where your genius as a printer comes in, Mr Spools. 562 00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:40,639 Mmm. Well you need a bit of cross-hatching, erm. 563 00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:44,959 What about pictures? Complicated pictures. 564 00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:47,439 Yes. Everyone loves a miniature. 565 00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:51,199 Yes. We could have a different picture for each type of stamp. 566 00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:54,439 A penny to Ankh-Morpork. Five pennies to Sto Lat. 567 00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:57,919 You could have a whole set. 568 00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:59,239 A whole set. 569 00:47:59,240 --> 00:48:00,679 Yes. 570 00:48:00,680 --> 00:48:03,079 To collect. 571 00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:13,759 Mr Spools, meet Stanley, the Post Office's new head of stamps. 572 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:15,479 Head of stamps? Mmm. 573 00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:16,679 Wow. 574 00:48:17,240 --> 00:48:19,279 Is there a hat? 575 00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:21,839 One thing at a time, Stanley. 576 00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:23,279 Yes, Mr Lipwig. 577 00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:27,359 'Wait before you tear this letter up in disgust.' 578 00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:29,679 'Ask yourself one question.' 579 00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,959 'Would you have done anything so different?' 580 00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:34,079 'Would anyone?' 581 00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:38,359 'l had discovered a foolproof way of creating money from paper.' 582 00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:45,399 'lf every resident bought just a few stamps to put in their wallet, 583 00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:48,959 I'd end up holding hundreds of thousands of dollars 584 00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:50,439 of other people's money.' 585 00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:54,719 'Enough to finance an escape plan and set me up for life.' 586 00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:58,759 'And, better still, for the con to work, 587 00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:01,239 I had to bring the Post Office back to life 588 00:49:01,240 --> 00:49:03,759 so that people would want to buy stamps.' 589 00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:06,239 'It was a con where everyone would win.' 590 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:09,559 'Well, nearly everyone.' 591 00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:14,239 That is why it's important to study grammar. 592 00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:17,439 Hugos? 593 00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:21,199 Technically, without the apostrophe, it's "hu-gos". 594 00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,399 And the reason there's no apostrophe is because there isn't one 595 00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:28,079 in the uplifting slogan that adorns our beloved Post Office. 596 00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:29,799 Oh. Oh. 597 00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:32,959 "Glom of nit." 598 00:49:35,240 --> 00:49:38,559 Oh. They've stolen them. 599 00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:39,799 Yes. 600 00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:46,239 Ay-ya, ta-ta, ta-ta! 601 00:49:46,240 --> 00:49:49,959 We're in the letter business, Mr Groat. 602 00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:53,079 We do words, not bricks. 603 00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:07,719 Good day, to you. 604 00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:10,639 Can I see Mr Hugo, please? 605 00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:13,079 I doubt it. 606 00:50:13,080 --> 00:50:14,999 Then perhaps you can give him a message. 607 00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,679 I tried my best, 608 00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:22,759 but I'm almost certain Lord Vetinari will press charges. 609 00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:27,599 Mr Hugo. 610 00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:31,279 There's a man in reception who says that Lord Vetinari... 611 00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:34,639 (Two, three, four...) 612 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:36,519 Excuse me, sir. 613 00:50:38,040 --> 00:50:40,079 Hugo can see you now. 614 00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:41,199 Ah. 615 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:45,479 Got it. 616 00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:48,039 Thanks, Mr Pump. 617 00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:55,119 Got it, Mr Groat. 618 00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:00,159 Good work, Stanley. 619 00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:01,639 Chop-chop. Chop-chop. 620 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:04,359 That's it, Mr Pump. 621 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:12,199 And you can tell your readers that this is the first 622 00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:16,799 of millions of letters we are putting back in the right place. 623 00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:20,319 One sign does not a Post Office make. 624 00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:24,799 No, Miss Cripslock, but we have a new system to help us. 625 00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:27,839 The stamping system. 626 00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:28,959 (Stamp, Stanley.) 627 00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:37,279 Cute, Mr Lipwig. 628 00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:42,799 But, with the clacks, why do we need a Post Office at all? 629 00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,999 The clacks is all well and good 630 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:48,319 if you want to know the prawn market figures from Genua, 631 00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:53,439 but can you seal a clacks with a loving kiss? 632 00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:56,919 Can you cry tears on a clacks? 633 00:51:56,920 --> 00:52:00,759 Can you enclose a pressed flower? 634 00:52:03,240 --> 00:52:08,399 So, spread the message far and wide, 635 00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:13,319 the Post Office is back in business. 636 00:52:21,240 --> 00:52:24,719 I tried talking to him nicely. 637 00:52:24,720 --> 00:52:30,039 But some people just won't listen. 638 00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:37,919 We may need to be a little more direct in our approach. 639 00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:39,599 Please, Reacher, I... 640 00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:43,599 I'm not sleeping well, as it is. 641 00:52:43,600 --> 00:52:48,399 This is all about Vetinari trying to clip our wings. 642 00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:54,919 But I haven't finished... 643 00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:56,839 ...soaring. 644 00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:08,759 Miss Dearheart! 645 00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:14,639 And I thought your name was ridiculous. 646 00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:18,679 How many golems are for hire right now? 647 00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:23,439 There's 12 on the books. 648 00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:24,999 I'll take them all. 649 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,079 Don't bother to wrap them up! 650 00:53:27,080 --> 00:53:32,199 We're not talking about groceries. They have souls. 651 00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:35,839 I'm offering good jobs with plenty of prospects. 652 00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,359 That's a terrible habit, you know. 653 00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,239 Perhaps I like bad habits. 654 00:53:50,240 --> 00:53:52,999 Maybe there's still hope for me, then. 655 00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:57,279 One minute you're trying to manipulate Pump 19, 656 00:53:57,280 --> 00:53:59,239 the next, you're a golem's best friend. 657 00:53:59,240 --> 00:54:02,279 Because now I have a plan. 658 00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:08,039 Let me think about it. 659 00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,839 Whilst your brighten up the world like a little sunbeam. 660 00:55:48,240 --> 00:55:49,319 No! 661 00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:54,839 Help me! 662 00:55:55,400 --> 00:55:56,759 Help! 663 00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:05,079 Somebody! Help! 664 00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,879 Help me! 665 00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:47,319 Why are you picking on me?! This is nothing. 666 00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:49,039 You see? 667 00:56:49,040 --> 00:56:51,319 A victimless crime. 668 00:56:54,520 --> 00:56:56,119 Wait, wait, wait a minute. 669 00:56:56,120 --> 00:56:58,879 Forged bonds harm no one! 670 00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:16,039 No, no! Wait a minute. 671 00:57:16,040 --> 00:57:18,879 You can't make him the scapegoat. Take it from your profits. 672 00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:24,519 That was never part of the plan! 673 00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:27,839 Wait! 674 00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:29,980 No! 675 00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,599 Mr Lipwig! Mr Lipwig! 676 00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:41,919 Mr Lipwig, sir! 677 00:57:41,920 --> 00:57:44,159 You can't sleep here. 678 00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:48,319 We-we're opening up. 679 00:57:48,320 --> 00:57:51,839 There's a big queue out there. They're all coming back to us, sir. 680 00:57:54,360 --> 00:57:56,399 The clacks is down! One at a time. 681 00:57:56,400 --> 00:57:57,959 Please. Please! 682 00:57:58,840 --> 00:58:00,959 Gentleman! Please, please! 683 00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:02,279 Wait, wait! Stop! 684 00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:08,239 Behold! 685 00:58:09,760 --> 00:58:14,359 As the postman said, one at a time. 686 00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:24,039 Next. 687 00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,319 Who's next, please? 688 00:58:31,320 --> 00:58:32,599 Stanley. 689 00:58:32,600 --> 00:58:34,279 Marvellous. 690 00:58:57,280 --> 00:58:58,279 We got a problem. 691 00:58:58,280 --> 00:59:00,119 The stamps. 692 00:59:00,120 --> 00:59:03,079 You can't prove anything. 693 00:59:03,080 --> 00:59:05,479 We've sold out. 694 00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:06,679 Oh. 695 00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,319 Well, good sales are never a problem. 696 00:59:12,320 --> 00:59:14,639 Run over to Mr Spools and fetch some more. 697 00:59:20,320 --> 00:59:23,519 Stanley. Stanley! Got the new double-pointers in. 698 00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:26,959 I'll come back later. Limited edition, selling fast. 699 00:59:26,960 --> 00:59:28,959 Ah... ah. 700 00:59:28,960 --> 00:59:31,119 I can't stop. 701 00:59:31,560 --> 00:59:34,239 Stanley. Not a girl. 702 00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:36,559 Mr Spools! 703 00:59:41,440 --> 00:59:42,839 Uh? 704 00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:44,959 You've got to be joking. 705 00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:47,599 The presses can't cut them. They're too small. 706 00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:48,799 But we need 1,000. 707 00:59:48,800 --> 00:59:51,079 Well, grab a pair of scissors and get cutting. 708 00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:54,119 I missed out on a set of double-pointers 709 00:59:54,120 --> 00:59:56,839 and you're cutting out stamps with scissors. 710 00:59:56,840 --> 01:00:00,359 Ah, pin collector, are you? 711 01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:02,239 Oh! 712 01:00:02,240 --> 01:00:05,079 I've still got my old collection up in the attic. 713 01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:07,679 Yes, I was very keen. 714 01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:11,559 But then I met the wife and she wasn't interested in pins. 715 01:00:11,560 --> 01:00:16,359 No. I've been meaning to get them down and get them valued. 716 01:00:16,360 --> 01:00:18,799 Mr Spools. 717 01:00:18,800 --> 01:00:22,759 You know what's always got up my nose? 718 01:00:22,760 --> 01:00:25,839 How delicate pin paper is. 719 01:00:27,320 --> 01:00:30,199 It's almost more hole than paper. 720 01:00:43,720 --> 01:00:45,199 What d'you think? 721 01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:48,239 Stanley, I think you're a genius. 722 01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:52,559 I must ask everyone to be patient. 723 01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:56,519 We weren't expecting quite such an enthusiastic response. 724 01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:59,719 But stamps are on their way and we have a special offer. 725 01:00:59,720 --> 01:01:07,439 The new express delivery for Sto Lat leaves on the hour 726 01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:11,759 to arrive this afternoon. 727 01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:15,439 And at half the cost of a clacks message. 728 01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:17,839 But we don't have an express delivery, sir. 729 01:01:21,560 --> 01:01:22,919 (We do now.) 730 01:01:22,920 --> 01:01:23,919 (Mr Pump.) 731 01:01:25,120 --> 01:01:26,399 (Go to Hobson's livery.) 732 01:01:26,400 --> 01:01:29,399 (Tell him I want a fast horse, not one of his old nags.) 733 01:01:29,400 --> 01:01:31,159 (Something with fizz in his blood.) 734 01:01:31,160 --> 01:01:34,199 Extra fizz. Very good, Mr Lipwig. 735 01:02:05,560 --> 01:02:09,639 You've made a big impression on Pump 19. 736 01:02:09,640 --> 01:02:11,199 Thank you. 737 01:02:11,200 --> 01:02:14,119 Personally, I think you're a phoney. 738 01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:16,119 But business is business. 739 01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:22,719 So. This is what you meant by free uniforms. 740 01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:24,559 Think of it as a badge of honour. 741 01:02:24,560 --> 01:02:25,759 Next! 742 01:02:25,760 --> 01:02:28,599 Don't worry, we'll clean it off when they leave. 743 01:02:28,600 --> 01:02:32,239 Leave? Clearly, I'm not talking to the same postmaster. 744 01:02:34,680 --> 01:02:36,119 Oh. 745 01:02:36,120 --> 01:02:40,119 You're right. The hat really does catch the sun. 746 01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:43,319 Those quotes about wanting to kick the clacks when it's down. 747 01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:44,999 Are they true? 748 01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,639 Er... Because I want to lend a helping boot. 749 01:02:54,520 --> 01:02:56,319 You do? 750 01:02:58,280 --> 01:03:00,879 Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look 751 01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:02,759 when considering violence? 752 01:03:03,400 --> 01:03:06,079 Violence and retribution. 753 01:03:06,080 --> 01:03:08,479 My father was the founder of the clacks. 754 01:03:10,320 --> 01:03:11,599 It was his great vision. 755 01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:13,919 He was no businessman. 756 01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:15,999 He borrowed money and mortgaged everything 757 01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:17,279 to build the first system. 758 01:03:17,280 --> 01:03:20,519 The clacks was an instant hit. He'd have made a fortune. 759 01:03:20,520 --> 01:03:22,719 Do I look like an heiress? 760 01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:25,679 Black August. 761 01:03:25,680 --> 01:03:28,679 The collapse of the Cabbage Growers' Bank. Remember that? 762 01:03:28,680 --> 01:03:30,879 Erm, vaguely. 763 01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:34,119 The bank fell victim to fake bond fraud. 764 01:03:34,120 --> 01:03:35,959 Had to call in all its loans, 765 01:03:35,960 --> 01:03:38,479 the biggest of which was my father's. 766 01:03:40,520 --> 01:03:41,719 You're looking pale. 767 01:03:43,480 --> 01:03:47,119 Hmm? Um... 768 01:03:47,120 --> 01:03:50,199 it's paint fumes. 769 01:03:53,480 --> 01:03:56,559 A man called Gilt and his coven of lawyers 770 01:03:56,560 --> 01:03:59,759 used the crisis to steal the clacks from under my father's nose. 771 01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:00,799 Reacher Gilt? 772 01:04:00,800 --> 01:04:03,359 You're on first-name terms with that reptile? 773 01:04:03,360 --> 01:04:08,479 No. No, no, I, er, bumped into him. 774 01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:14,959 So, every message that your Post Office delivers 775 01:04:14,960 --> 01:04:17,599 takes money out of Reacher Gilt's pocket. 776 01:04:18,560 --> 01:04:20,639 I like that. 777 01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:21,759 You do? 778 01:04:22,600 --> 01:04:23,759 Really? 779 01:04:24,800 --> 01:04:26,999 I think I'm getting somewhere. 780 01:04:27,000 --> 01:04:30,879 Are you the one who wants some extra fizz in 'is 'orse? 781 01:04:30,880 --> 01:04:33,319 You must be from Hobson's livery? 782 01:04:33,320 --> 01:04:38,599 I am 'Obson. And I've brought you Boris. 783 01:04:44,120 --> 01:04:46,079 'Ad all the kids you want, 'ave you? 784 01:04:47,440 --> 01:04:48,639 Sir. 785 01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:50,279 Mr Groat. 786 01:04:51,840 --> 01:04:54,039 Off you go, load the mail. 787 01:04:54,040 --> 01:04:56,479 Right, sir. Ready for action. 788 01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:00,799 Over there? 789 01:05:04,160 --> 01:05:05,879 Er... Er... 790 01:05:21,160 --> 01:05:24,959 Tell your men to hold him good and tight, Mr Hobson. 791 01:05:29,480 --> 01:05:34,039 Ladies and gentlemen. 792 01:05:34,040 --> 01:05:39,599 You see the raw power of nature we've harnessed... 793 01:05:40,880 --> 01:05:43,119 ...to deliver your post. 794 01:05:50,720 --> 01:05:52,679 Miss Dearheart. 795 01:06:01,400 --> 01:06:03,119 Let him go! 796 01:06:03,120 --> 01:06:05,919 Whoo! 797 01:06:05,920 --> 01:06:07,319 Argh! 798 01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:09,439 Watch out! 799 01:06:09,920 --> 01:06:12,559 Boris! Argh! 800 01:06:13,880 --> 01:06:15,399 Boris! 801 01:06:15,920 --> 01:06:18,559 Argh! 802 01:06:18,560 --> 01:06:20,439 Boris. 803 01:06:20,440 --> 01:06:24,839 You have been a very naughty boy. 804 01:06:27,520 --> 01:06:31,759 And you know what happens to naughty boys. 805 01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:41,079 Oh, you seem to have the Boris touch. 806 01:06:43,600 --> 01:06:45,639 I don't suppose you'd care for a ride? 807 01:06:45,640 --> 01:06:47,559 I hardly know you. 808 01:06:47,560 --> 01:06:50,119 I'm rather banking on that. 809 01:06:50,120 --> 01:06:53,919 Smooth answer. Slick. 810 01:06:56,280 --> 01:06:58,199 Whoo! 811 01:07:08,880 --> 01:07:10,279 I need to make a detour. 812 01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:11,919 You want to hold up the mail? 813 01:07:11,920 --> 01:07:14,039 It won't take long. Up there. 814 01:07:35,120 --> 01:07:38,399 We came all the way up here to see a derelict clacks tower? 815 01:07:41,160 --> 01:07:43,759 This is where my brother John died. 816 01:07:45,840 --> 01:07:47,559 Three years ago. 817 01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:54,359 He was a clacksman. 818 01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:57,999 Until someone pushed him from up there. 819 01:08:03,760 --> 01:08:05,399 He was murdered? 820 01:08:06,760 --> 01:08:08,959 We could never prove anything. 821 01:08:13,800 --> 01:08:15,319 Some of the old engineers say 822 01:08:15,320 --> 01:08:18,799 they can still hear John's name on the wires. 823 01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:23,839 Just before dawn. 824 01:08:37,720 --> 01:08:40,159 How could your brother carry on working here? 825 01:08:40,160 --> 01:08:42,799 After what they did to your family? 826 01:08:42,800 --> 01:08:45,439 John had big plans. 827 01:08:45,440 --> 01:08:48,039 For a new clacks - better, cheaper. 828 01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:53,039 He never got a chance to build it. 829 01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:59,279 Gilt went to the trouble to steal the clacks 830 01:08:59,280 --> 01:09:00,999 and now he won't even look after it. 831 01:09:02,480 --> 01:09:05,359 Is it any wonder my father died a broken man? 832 01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:15,199 When you look at me like that, I wish I was a better man. 833 01:09:17,680 --> 01:09:19,279 You're a man with vision. 834 01:09:20,480 --> 01:09:22,519 Maybe that counts as better. 835 01:09:35,920 --> 01:09:39,559 One of the great things about Mr Gryle... 836 01:09:40,920 --> 01:09:42,839 ...he's never late. 837 01:09:42,840 --> 01:09:46,599 Do you realise that if we dilute the clacks lubrication oil 838 01:09:46,600 --> 01:09:51,479 with guano extract, it can increase our profits. 839 01:09:51,480 --> 01:09:54,319 $2.4 a minute. 840 01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:01,799 That'll be him now. 841 01:10:07,520 --> 01:10:13,559 Mr Gryle, this is my finance director. Crispin Horsefry. 842 01:10:15,160 --> 01:10:17,359 You're... 843 01:10:17,360 --> 01:10:19,999 You're the... 844 01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:22,279 The banshee! 845 01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:30,679 Mr Gryle, what exactly have you found out about Moist von Lipwig? 846 01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:34,839 Father dead. Mother dead. 847 01:10:34,840 --> 01:10:38,639 Sent away to school. 848 01:10:38,640 --> 01:10:41,199 Bullied. 849 01:10:41,200 --> 01:10:43,159 Ran away. 850 01:10:43,240 --> 01:10:44,639 Vanished. 851 01:10:44,640 --> 01:10:47,239 I wonder where he's been all this time. 852 01:10:48,400 --> 01:10:54,439 Well, Mr Gryle. This postmaster is a nuisance. 853 01:10:54,440 --> 01:10:56,759 Understood. 854 01:11:01,720 --> 01:11:03,439 Deal with him for me. 855 01:11:03,440 --> 01:11:05,399 My pleasure. 856 01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:35,479 Express mail from Ankh-Morpork. 857 01:11:40,160 --> 01:11:41,559 Ah. 858 01:11:41,560 --> 01:11:44,719 Posted this very morning. 859 01:11:44,720 --> 01:11:46,599 You can't get fresher than that. 860 01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:49,999 We're going back in one hour. 861 01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:53,959 If you want to send anything, 862 01:11:53,960 --> 01:11:58,079 form an orderly line at the back of the horse. 863 01:12:18,200 --> 01:12:20,479 I can get off a horse, you know. 864 01:12:20,480 --> 01:12:22,319 This way is more fun. 865 01:12:28,240 --> 01:12:30,399 You were right. 866 01:12:30,400 --> 01:12:32,279 I don't suppose... 867 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:35,359 ...you fancy dinner for two? 868 01:12:36,400 --> 01:12:38,479 Let me think about it. 869 01:12:38,480 --> 01:12:40,559 I really am making progress. 870 01:12:41,720 --> 01:12:42,879 Perhaps. 871 01:12:47,800 --> 01:12:52,679 But sometimes, a slow delivery beats the express. 872 01:12:56,280 --> 01:13:00,399 'It was the most wonderful kiss I never had.' 873 01:13:00,400 --> 01:13:02,679 'l was on top of the world.' 874 01:13:02,680 --> 01:13:05,279 'The only problem with having a bright tomorrow 875 01:13:05,280 --> 01:13:07,919 is you have to get through the night before.' 876 01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:24,959 Who's there? 877 01:13:29,640 --> 01:13:30,639 Hello. 878 01:13:56,560 --> 01:13:58,999 Who's there? 879 01:14:05,000 --> 01:14:06,279 Oh! 880 01:14:22,600 --> 01:14:24,719 (No, it can't be.) 881 01:14:24,720 --> 01:14:25,919 I'm still awake! 882 01:14:27,360 --> 01:14:29,159 Adora. 883 01:14:40,440 --> 01:14:41,479 No. 884 01:14:43,000 --> 01:14:44,119 Please. 885 01:14:44,720 --> 01:14:46,679 Not again. 886 01:15:03,520 --> 01:15:05,879 Why are you showing me this? 887 01:15:35,960 --> 01:15:36,959 No! 888 01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:40,079 Argh! 889 01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:45,279 Help! 890 01:15:50,080 --> 01:15:51,919 What do you want with me?! 891 01:16:57,440 --> 01:16:59,039 Alright. 892 01:17:03,280 --> 01:17:05,279 Enough. 893 01:17:07,880 --> 01:17:10,959 Finish it here. 894 01:17:10,960 --> 01:17:12,959 It is what I deserve. 895 01:17:18,560 --> 01:17:19,959 Oh! 896 01:17:24,520 --> 01:17:29,759 'Adora, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.' 897 01:17:29,760 --> 01:17:31,639 Mr Lipwig. 898 01:17:35,440 --> 01:17:36,919 What are you doing?! 899 01:17:36,920 --> 01:17:38,119 Rescuing you. 900 01:17:38,120 --> 01:17:41,319 There's no point, I can't escape the... 901 01:17:41,320 --> 01:17:44,479 I deserve to die. 902 01:17:44,480 --> 01:17:47,559 Your safety is my concern. 903 01:17:48,600 --> 01:17:51,119 Oh, hell. Last time you said that... 904 01:17:52,440 --> 01:17:54,519 Argh! 905 01:17:54,520 --> 01:17:59,839 I didn't mean to hit you so hard, Mr Lipwig. 906 01:17:59,840 --> 01:18:01,839 I wish you'd finish me off. 907 01:18:02,640 --> 01:18:05,839 No one should wish their life away. 908 01:18:05,840 --> 01:18:09,479 I'm a bad man, Mr Pump. 909 01:18:10,920 --> 01:18:13,279 I've done terrible things. 910 01:18:13,280 --> 01:18:17,199 And your punishment is to rebuild the Post Office. 911 01:18:17,200 --> 01:18:20,519 One balances out the other. 912 01:18:21,600 --> 01:18:23,959 Nothing can balance out what I've done. 913 01:18:25,760 --> 01:18:27,479 Oh, Pump 19, how's it going? 914 01:18:27,480 --> 01:18:31,159 Oh. You look like you've seen a ghost. 915 01:18:32,160 --> 01:18:33,239 How did you know? 916 01:18:34,600 --> 01:18:37,079 The answer's yes. 917 01:18:39,480 --> 01:18:40,959 Dinner for two? 918 01:18:47,440 --> 01:18:50,559 Er, I... 919 01:18:58,280 --> 01:19:01,079 Oh. I see. 920 01:19:05,720 --> 01:19:10,239 I'd love to, Adora. But you really have to stay away from me. 921 01:19:10,960 --> 01:19:13,119 It's not you, it's me. 922 01:19:13,120 --> 01:19:16,559 Oh! Cliches, as well, now I really am insulted. 923 01:19:16,560 --> 01:19:18,879 Trust me, it's best we call the whole thing off. 924 01:19:19,720 --> 01:19:24,119 Don't flatter yourself. I hadn't decided it was on. 925 01:19:41,080 --> 01:19:45,799 OK. I'm here. What exactly did you want to know? 926 01:19:49,600 --> 01:19:52,079 Would you mind if we talk somewhere else? 927 01:19:56,600 --> 01:19:59,759 It was dirty, ruthless and back-stabbing, 928 01:19:59,760 --> 01:20:02,679 but it made great copy. 929 01:20:02,680 --> 01:20:04,319 Bad news always does. 930 01:20:04,320 --> 01:20:06,639 When the clacks got into financial difficulty, 931 01:20:06,640 --> 01:20:09,759 the only person who could help them was Reacher Gilt. 932 01:20:09,760 --> 01:20:13,399 The Dearhearts were so desperate, they'd have signed anything. 933 01:20:13,400 --> 01:20:17,959 Gilt took the entire business from under the family's nose. 934 01:20:17,960 --> 01:20:20,599 Technically legal, morally rotten. 935 01:20:24,960 --> 01:20:27,719 But there'd be no clacks if it weren't for the Dearhearts. 936 01:20:27,720 --> 01:20:29,599 And they wouldn't have got into trouble 937 01:20:29,600 --> 01:20:31,439 if it weren't for the banking crisis. 938 01:20:31,440 --> 01:20:34,799 Surely the banks could survive a few fake bonds. 939 01:20:36,960 --> 01:20:39,279 You call that a few? 940 01:20:44,400 --> 01:20:47,399 'It wasn't the happiest reunion in my life.' 941 01:20:47,400 --> 01:20:52,519 'l had drawn every line, faked every signature on those bonds.' 942 01:20:52,520 --> 01:20:54,839 'Now I felt sick to look at them.' 943 01:20:56,360 --> 01:20:58,399 Go to her. 944 01:20:58,400 --> 01:20:59,399 I can't. 945 01:20:59,400 --> 01:21:01,399 Apologise to her. 946 01:21:01,400 --> 01:21:03,319 The letters have warned me to stay away. 947 01:21:03,320 --> 01:21:06,599 The letters? Again with this nonsense. 948 01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:09,199 If I go near Adora again, the letters will kill me. 949 01:21:09,200 --> 01:21:11,239 Letters do not kill. 950 01:21:12,600 --> 01:21:14,679 I will prove it to you. 951 01:21:24,160 --> 01:21:26,399 You must be the victim. 952 01:21:29,240 --> 01:21:31,479 Who the hell are you? 953 01:21:31,480 --> 01:21:35,919 Mr Ridcully is Archchancellor of the Unseen University. 954 01:21:35,920 --> 01:21:41,359 He will give you proof the letters do not want to kill you. 955 01:21:41,360 --> 01:21:43,719 How is he going to do that? 956 01:21:43,720 --> 01:21:44,999 How many words are here? 957 01:21:45,000 --> 01:21:49,119 A million, two million. 958 01:21:50,240 --> 01:21:55,199 What about in the whole building? There must be billions. 959 01:21:55,200 --> 01:21:59,639 Only an academic could state the obvious and pass it off as wisdom. 960 01:22:01,400 --> 01:22:03,279 Are you the type to burn a book, Lipwig? 961 01:22:03,280 --> 01:22:05,679 No. Why? 962 01:22:07,240 --> 01:22:10,839 Because you just don't do that sort of thing. 963 01:22:10,840 --> 01:22:14,119 Correct. Books must be treated with respect. 964 01:22:14,120 --> 01:22:18,959 We feel that in our bones, because words have power. 965 01:22:19,680 --> 01:22:24,479 Bring enough words together, you can bend space and time. 966 01:22:24,480 --> 01:22:26,799 That's what has been giving you hallucinations. 967 01:22:26,880 --> 01:22:30,999 For the last time, they weren't hallucinations. 968 01:22:31,000 --> 01:22:33,279 They did try to kill me. 969 01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:37,599 The terrible thing is, I deserve it. 970 01:22:38,880 --> 01:22:41,359 Read my lips. 971 01:22:41,360 --> 01:22:43,919 Words do not kill. 972 01:22:45,040 --> 01:22:46,479 People kill. 973 01:22:46,480 --> 01:22:48,639 Wild animals kill. 974 01:22:48,640 --> 01:22:53,399 But words, words have a totally different power. 975 01:22:53,400 --> 01:22:58,399 They enter through our eyes and ears and work their way into our souls. 976 01:22:58,400 --> 01:23:02,039 I think this is where the real problem is. 977 01:23:02,040 --> 01:23:04,119 Your soul. 978 01:23:04,120 --> 01:23:07,159 Don't blame the letters for your own problems. 979 01:23:11,440 --> 01:23:14,719 Now you can apologise to Miss Dearheart. 980 01:23:16,760 --> 01:23:19,319 It is way beyond apology. 981 01:23:19,320 --> 01:23:22,199 Only she can judge that. 982 01:23:22,200 --> 01:23:24,599 Talk to her. 983 01:23:28,040 --> 01:23:30,159 I don't trust my tongue. 984 01:23:30,160 --> 01:23:33,639 When I speak, I lie. 985 01:23:33,640 --> 01:23:35,039 It's the way it's always been. 986 01:23:35,040 --> 01:23:37,159 So don't speak. 987 01:23:37,160 --> 01:23:38,919 Write her a letter. 988 01:23:40,760 --> 01:23:43,039 A written confession. 989 01:23:46,080 --> 01:23:48,759 A conman can't do that. 990 01:23:48,760 --> 01:23:51,119 It's against our code of practice. 991 01:23:51,120 --> 01:23:55,239 But what better way for a postmaster? 992 01:23:57,520 --> 01:24:00,479 'Which is how I came to be sitting here, 993 01:24:00,480 --> 01:24:03,559 pouring out my heart.' 994 01:24:03,560 --> 01:24:08,159 'All I can do is seal this with the most loving kiss.' 995 01:24:08,160 --> 01:24:09,679 'And hope.' 996 01:24:16,040 --> 01:24:18,479 I'm not convinced, Mr Pump. 997 01:24:18,480 --> 01:24:22,319 I didn't get where I am today by telling the truth. 998 01:24:22,320 --> 01:24:26,559 And where exactly are you? 999 01:24:26,560 --> 01:24:29,199 Point taken. 1000 01:24:33,840 --> 01:24:35,839 Stamp it up and send it on its way. 1001 01:24:35,840 --> 01:24:40,559 No. You must deliver this by hand. 1002 01:24:40,560 --> 01:24:44,319 If I get within 50 yards of Adora, I'm a dead man. 1003 01:24:44,320 --> 01:24:46,879 I told Adora to meet you at 8 o'clock. 1004 01:24:46,880 --> 01:24:48,559 Dinner for two. 1005 01:24:48,560 --> 01:24:51,319 You mean I have to be there when she reads this? 1006 01:24:51,320 --> 01:24:54,199 At the best restaurant in town. 1007 01:24:54,200 --> 01:24:57,559 How did you get a table? They're booked up for months. 1008 01:24:57,560 --> 01:24:59,359 I didn't. 1009 01:24:59,360 --> 01:25:03,319 This is one time your lying will be useful. 1010 01:25:25,360 --> 01:25:28,639 Good evening, sir. Reservation for? 1011 01:25:28,640 --> 01:25:32,239 You mean you still don't know? 1012 01:25:32,240 --> 01:25:34,479 After all the times I've been here. 1013 01:25:34,480 --> 01:25:36,919 I'm acquainted with the regulars, but, er... 1014 01:25:38,640 --> 01:25:40,359 ...I cannot place you, sir. 1015 01:25:40,360 --> 01:25:42,479 Very good. 1016 01:25:42,480 --> 01:25:46,559 I appreciate your discretion. 1017 01:25:48,400 --> 01:25:50,679 Wouldn't want everyone knowing we were here. 1018 01:25:50,680 --> 01:25:55,799 So, shall I wait for Mr Gilt inside at the regular table? 1019 01:25:55,800 --> 01:25:58,319 Mr Gilt, you say? Mm-hm. 1020 01:25:59,360 --> 01:26:03,959 I'm afraid that... Mr Gilt doesn't do problems. 1021 01:26:03,960 --> 01:26:07,239 But... Surely you of all people remember the Poisson Rouge. 1022 01:26:08,480 --> 01:26:10,079 I cannot say... Exactly. 1023 01:26:10,080 --> 01:26:13,559 Mr Gilt used to take the city's finest there every week 1024 01:26:13,560 --> 01:26:17,919 until one day, same thing happened. 1025 01:26:19,280 --> 01:26:22,079 Au revoir, Poisson Rouge. 1026 01:26:23,240 --> 01:26:25,599 I'll wait inside, shall I? 1027 01:26:50,960 --> 01:26:52,199 Adora. 1028 01:26:53,960 --> 01:26:56,599 You look... I'm only here because Mr Pump begged. 1029 01:27:00,040 --> 01:27:01,839 That and the stuffed liver. 1030 01:27:06,000 --> 01:27:08,359 To be honest, I can't think about food... 1031 01:27:08,800 --> 01:27:11,879 until you've read this. 1032 01:27:15,080 --> 01:27:17,559 Is it an apology? 1033 01:27:17,560 --> 01:27:20,719 It... it's worse than that. 1034 01:27:21,880 --> 01:27:24,519 Just read it. 1035 01:27:25,360 --> 01:27:28,879 And then, maybe, we can move on. 1036 01:27:44,760 --> 01:27:48,079 Good evening, little postman. 1037 01:27:53,080 --> 01:27:56,159 Hello?! 1038 01:27:58,680 --> 01:28:01,359 We are closed. 1039 01:28:03,480 --> 01:28:07,039 But we are open again at nine in the morning. 1040 01:28:08,000 --> 01:28:12,159 We've got a special on mail to Pseudopolis. Ah! 1041 01:28:12,160 --> 01:28:14,959 Why not write to your old granny? 1042 01:28:14,960 --> 01:28:18,999 I ate my granny. 1043 01:28:19,000 --> 01:28:21,079 Oh. 1044 01:28:21,080 --> 01:28:23,679 Then I'm dead. 1045 01:28:53,760 --> 01:28:58,919 Erm. Perhaps I could paraphrase the last section. 1046 01:28:58,920 --> 01:29:00,279 You ruined my family. 1047 01:29:00,280 --> 01:29:03,239 Adora, I'm sorry. What can I say? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1048 01:29:03,240 --> 01:29:04,479 You're a liar and cheat. 1049 01:29:04,480 --> 01:29:06,239 Those days are behind me. I swear. 1050 01:29:06,240 --> 01:29:09,599 Every word is true, I've bared my soul to you. There are no lies left. 1051 01:29:09,600 --> 01:29:15,919 My dear Moist. How good of you to bag a table. 1052 01:29:15,920 --> 01:29:19,239 You... And him? 1053 01:29:19,240 --> 01:29:20,759 No. 1054 01:29:20,760 --> 01:29:23,559 Always a joke with Moist, hmm? 1055 01:29:23,560 --> 01:29:27,919 Why don't you ask them to bring the champagne list, huh? 1056 01:29:29,640 --> 01:29:31,799 Just gotta freshen up. 1057 01:29:35,280 --> 01:29:37,759 How many more times will you humiliate me? 1058 01:29:37,760 --> 01:29:40,159 I can explain. 1059 01:29:40,160 --> 01:29:41,199 What is in your foot 1060 01:29:41,200 --> 01:29:43,719 is a steel-tipped, four-inch stiletto heel. 1061 01:29:43,720 --> 01:29:47,239 The most dangerous footwear in the world. 1062 01:29:47,240 --> 01:29:51,399 I know what you're thinking. "Could she push it through to the floor?" 1063 01:29:51,400 --> 01:29:53,519 No! 1064 01:29:53,520 --> 01:29:56,359 To tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that myself, 1065 01:29:56,360 --> 01:29:58,999 but I'm going to give it a damn good try. 1066 01:30:00,560 --> 01:30:02,719 The Post Office is burning! 1067 01:30:05,200 --> 01:30:06,239 Argh! 1068 01:30:19,600 --> 01:30:21,639 Mr Pump. 1069 01:30:21,640 --> 01:30:23,839 Where's Stanley and Groat? 1070 01:30:24,720 --> 01:30:27,999 Your safety is my concern. 1071 01:30:30,200 --> 01:30:31,239 Mr Groat. 1072 01:30:37,800 --> 01:30:39,359 Call the fire brigade. 1073 01:30:40,360 --> 01:30:42,439 Argh! 1074 01:30:44,360 --> 01:30:48,239 It's Stanley. You've got to save Stanley. 1075 01:31:06,920 --> 01:31:11,479 Mr Lipwig, it's too dangerous. 1076 01:31:19,920 --> 01:31:21,279 Stanley! 1077 01:31:23,440 --> 01:31:24,839 Argh! 1078 01:31:26,760 --> 01:31:30,319 And Lipwig make five! 1079 01:31:30,320 --> 01:31:34,239 I'm collecting dead postmasters. 1080 01:31:34,240 --> 01:31:40,559 Of course, the fun part is making them dead! 1081 01:31:40,560 --> 01:31:41,959 You killed them? 1082 01:31:43,320 --> 01:31:44,519 All of them? 1083 01:31:44,520 --> 01:31:45,839 Oh, yes. 1084 01:31:45,840 --> 01:31:49,239 I am the killer! 1085 01:31:49,240 --> 01:31:53,039 This is a Post Office closer! 1086 01:34:11,260 --> 01:34:12,779 You know what they say. 1087 01:34:14,060 --> 01:34:19,139 Hear the cry of the banshee and die! 1088 01:34:19,140 --> 01:34:21,699 Actually... 1089 01:34:21,700 --> 01:34:26,299 ...it's banshee cries, somebody dies. 1090 01:34:26,300 --> 01:34:27,899 Today it's you. 1091 01:34:39,700 --> 01:34:42,739 Missed both my hearts. 1092 01:34:47,220 --> 01:34:50,259 I do love postmasters. 1093 01:34:51,420 --> 01:34:55,659 Killing them is so lucrative. 1094 01:34:57,340 --> 01:34:58,859 Who's paying you? 1095 01:34:58,860 --> 01:35:03,419 Not everyone can afford assassin of calibre. 1096 01:35:03,420 --> 01:35:08,059 I deal with all Reacher's loose ends. 1097 01:35:09,700 --> 01:35:10,899 Gilt. 1098 01:35:10,900 --> 01:35:14,979 The Dearheart boy screamed like a pig. 1099 01:35:14,980 --> 01:35:18,299 Screamed like a pig! 1100 01:35:18,300 --> 01:35:21,139 Till he struck the ground. 1101 01:35:24,260 --> 01:35:29,059 Time to shut up shop, Postmaster. 1102 01:35:30,020 --> 01:35:35,379 This is not Reacher Gilt's Post Office to close. 1103 01:35:35,380 --> 01:35:37,539 It belongs to the city. 1104 01:35:37,540 --> 01:35:40,299 How dare he come in here and destroy it. 1105 01:35:44,860 --> 01:35:47,139 Oh, please! 1106 01:35:47,140 --> 01:35:50,539 Can't I even die in peace? 1107 01:35:50,540 --> 01:35:53,419 I mean, I'm no angel, but him? 1108 01:35:53,420 --> 01:35:55,659 He's a devil. 1109 01:36:27,740 --> 01:36:31,379 "Upon discovery of fire, remain calm." 1110 01:36:41,820 --> 01:36:46,299 "Shout 'fire' in a loud, clear voice." 1111 01:36:46,300 --> 01:36:47,739 Fire! 1112 01:36:49,620 --> 01:36:50,979 Stanley. 1113 01:36:56,500 --> 01:36:58,539 "If trapped... 1114 01:37:00,020 --> 01:37:04,619 ...await A, rescue or B, death." 1115 01:37:06,580 --> 01:37:09,499 Straightforward enough. 1116 01:37:11,580 --> 01:37:14,179 A it is, then. 1117 01:37:14,180 --> 01:37:16,099 Come on. 1118 01:37:26,820 --> 01:37:28,179 I owe you. 1119 01:37:47,300 --> 01:37:51,419 Where are the fire brigade? We have no insurance. 1120 01:37:51,420 --> 01:37:52,579 What? 1121 01:37:52,580 --> 01:37:57,259 I'm sorry, sir, it was fire insurance or food. 1122 01:37:57,260 --> 01:37:59,259 Where are the buckets then? 1123 01:37:59,260 --> 01:38:03,299 This is beyond buckets, Mr Lipwig. 1124 01:38:14,020 --> 01:38:15,259 Hmm! 1125 01:38:23,940 --> 01:38:24,939 Adora. 1126 01:38:26,500 --> 01:38:28,859 Care for a dance? 1127 01:38:28,860 --> 01:38:31,419 A dance? With you? 1128 01:38:31,420 --> 01:38:35,619 A self-centred skuggem with the moral fibre of a... 1129 01:38:35,620 --> 01:38:37,939 A rat? A rat. 1130 01:38:37,940 --> 01:38:39,779 Thank you. My pleasure. 1131 01:38:46,300 --> 01:38:49,619 Let me go! 1132 01:38:49,620 --> 01:38:53,499 Not until I've told you what's really going on. 1133 01:38:53,500 --> 01:38:55,939 You destroyed my family, that's what's going on. 1134 01:38:55,940 --> 01:38:59,899 That was an accident. I can put it right. 1135 01:38:59,900 --> 01:39:03,579 You don't know the meaning of the word "right". 1136 01:39:03,580 --> 01:39:07,499 Those dead postmasters, Gilt had them killed. 1137 01:39:07,500 --> 01:39:09,339 He tried to kill me, too. 1138 01:39:09,340 --> 01:39:13,179 Who'd have thought I had something in common with Reacher Gilt? 1139 01:39:13,180 --> 01:39:17,979 Adora, he murdered your brother. 1140 01:39:22,500 --> 01:39:24,979 John wore a safety line, but he fell to his death. 1141 01:39:24,980 --> 01:39:29,659 It doesn't make sense, unless you hire a flying banshee to push him. 1142 01:39:29,660 --> 01:39:33,739 And banshees are Gilt's weapon of choice. 1143 01:39:33,740 --> 01:39:35,659 You've got proof? Of course. 1144 01:39:39,100 --> 01:39:43,299 Well, the banshee was my proof. He knew everything. 1145 01:39:43,300 --> 01:39:46,099 Except how to be fireproof. How convenient! 1146 01:39:46,100 --> 01:39:49,419 Even so, I think I can bring down Reacher Gilt. 1147 01:39:49,420 --> 01:39:52,019 All talk and no action, as usual. 1148 01:39:52,020 --> 01:39:55,939 Adora, will you trust me just this once? 1149 01:39:57,380 --> 01:39:58,699 Oh! 1150 01:39:58,700 --> 01:40:01,139 Does that answer your question? 1151 01:40:03,020 --> 01:40:06,579 Any comment to go with the picture, Mr Lipwig? 1152 01:40:19,980 --> 01:40:21,339 Reacher. 1153 01:40:23,980 --> 01:40:25,659 Marvellous, isn't it? 1154 01:40:25,660 --> 01:40:27,539 A bit... 1155 01:40:27,540 --> 01:40:29,379 ...extreme? 1156 01:40:29,380 --> 01:40:33,099 The point is, Horsefry, we've won. 1157 01:40:35,780 --> 01:40:37,299 We've won. 1158 01:40:54,940 --> 01:40:58,499 Well, I suppose that's one way to deal with the backlog. 1159 01:40:58,500 --> 01:41:00,259 How can you joke? 1160 01:41:00,260 --> 01:41:02,899 That's our life. And it's gone. 1161 01:41:04,380 --> 01:41:07,099 Be brave, Mr Groat. 1162 01:41:13,700 --> 01:41:15,619 There's our customers over there. 1163 01:41:15,620 --> 01:41:18,859 Sending clacks, we've lost them. 1164 01:41:20,660 --> 01:41:24,579 Then we'll just have to win them back again, won't we? 1165 01:41:24,580 --> 01:41:27,339 Come on, Mr Groat. 1166 01:41:32,660 --> 01:41:37,459 The Post Office is open... as usual. 1167 01:41:37,460 --> 01:41:41,019 A bit more open than usual, I would say. 1168 01:41:43,700 --> 01:41:47,179 Number four delivery, proceed. 1169 01:41:48,060 --> 01:41:50,379 Number four delivery. 1170 01:41:50,380 --> 01:41:52,099 Stan! 1171 01:41:52,100 --> 01:41:53,659 Aggy! 1172 01:41:54,700 --> 01:41:57,499 Not many of us old postmen left now, Mr Groat. 1173 01:41:57,500 --> 01:42:01,419 We help out the best we can in the post's hour of need. 1174 01:42:01,420 --> 01:42:02,899 See? 1175 01:42:02,900 --> 01:42:04,899 People love the Post Office. 1176 01:42:06,660 --> 01:42:09,099 So... 1177 01:42:09,100 --> 01:42:12,059 Get your men organised, 1178 01:42:12,060 --> 01:42:14,979 Deputy Postmaster Groat. 1179 01:42:14,980 --> 01:42:17,019 I want them... 1180 01:42:17,740 --> 01:42:23,739 Did you say deputy postmaster, sir? I did. 1181 01:42:24,460 --> 01:42:28,699 And, what's more, I want your men out on the streets 1182 01:42:28,700 --> 01:42:32,739 delivering the mail today. Yes, sir. 1183 01:42:40,140 --> 01:42:42,739 Looks like the clacks is down again. 1184 01:42:45,140 --> 01:42:47,659 This really is my lucky day. 1185 01:42:52,180 --> 01:42:55,619 Special today, ladies and gentlemen, 1186 01:42:55,620 --> 01:43:00,019 mail to Pseudopolis reduced to three pence. 1187 01:43:00,020 --> 01:43:02,859 Three pence only. 1188 01:43:02,860 --> 01:43:08,419 And if anyone has a message already stuck in the clacks, 1189 01:43:08,420 --> 01:43:11,739 we'll deliver it for free. 1190 01:43:13,140 --> 01:43:18,059 No matter how hard I scrape my shoe, 1191 01:43:18,060 --> 01:43:22,179 Lipwig remains stuck to it. 1192 01:43:22,180 --> 01:43:25,459 It says here he was unscathed. 1193 01:43:25,460 --> 01:43:28,899 Does this mean we have to try again? No. 1194 01:43:28,900 --> 01:43:35,979 He may be alive, but he's yesterday's man. 1195 01:43:36,860 --> 01:43:39,539 Knowing Lipwig, he'll rebuild. 1196 01:43:39,540 --> 01:43:41,339 With what? 1197 01:43:41,340 --> 01:43:43,219 It'll cost a fortune. 1198 01:43:44,180 --> 01:43:50,459 And the... Post Office is bankrupt. 1199 01:43:52,260 --> 01:43:55,499 Nevertheless, people... 1200 01:43:55,500 --> 01:43:57,699 ...seem to have a fondness for the post. 1201 01:43:57,700 --> 01:44:02,219 My latest innovation will change all that. 1202 01:44:02,220 --> 01:44:04,219 Innovation? 1203 01:44:04,220 --> 01:44:07,339 We closed down research and development years ago. 1204 01:44:07,340 --> 01:44:12,179 This isn't about research, Horsefry. 1205 01:44:12,180 --> 01:44:18,379 This is about dazzling the masses with a bauble. 1206 01:44:19,500 --> 01:44:25,299 I believe the respectable term is... 1207 01:44:30,060 --> 01:44:32,099 ...marketing. 1208 01:44:38,780 --> 01:44:41,019 We are proud 1209 01:44:41,020 --> 01:44:44,699 to usher in a new era. 1210 01:44:44,700 --> 01:44:48,419 The mobile era. 1211 01:44:48,420 --> 01:44:52,419 A network of towers like this 1212 01:44:52,420 --> 01:44:58,099 will move around Discworld as demand requires. 1213 01:44:58,100 --> 01:44:59,579 This doesn't look good. 1214 01:44:59,580 --> 01:45:04,059 In future, if you can't get to a clacks tower, 1215 01:45:04,060 --> 01:45:08,899 the clacks tower will be brought to you. 1216 01:45:08,900 --> 01:45:12,619 Full coverage for the entire Disc. 1217 01:45:12,620 --> 01:45:15,499 Mr Gilt, today's increase in the price of clacks messages 1218 01:45:15,500 --> 01:45:19,939 is the fifth this year. Surely that is extortion. 1219 01:45:19,940 --> 01:45:22,859 This is the future of long-distance communication, 1220 01:45:22,860 --> 01:45:25,459 and new technology is not cheap. 1221 01:45:25,460 --> 01:45:30,979 Would you really have that when you can have this? 1222 01:45:36,220 --> 01:45:39,619 But he had the Post Office destroyed. 1223 01:45:39,620 --> 01:45:42,259 We have no proof, Mr Pump. 1224 01:45:50,100 --> 01:45:52,059 We must do something. 1225 01:45:53,940 --> 01:45:55,459 Follow me. 1226 01:46:12,060 --> 01:46:14,939 Arrest those men! For what? 1227 01:46:14,940 --> 01:46:17,139 Vandalising clacks property. 1228 01:46:17,140 --> 01:46:21,499 I think you'll find the only offence here is trespass. 1229 01:46:21,500 --> 01:46:25,419 Your map was being paraded on Post Office property. 1230 01:46:25,420 --> 01:46:28,139 I'll see you paraded through hell, Lipwig. 1231 01:46:28,140 --> 01:46:31,099 Are you going to send another assassin to sort me out? 1232 01:46:31,100 --> 01:46:34,579 Assassin? I have no idea what you're talking about. 1233 01:46:34,580 --> 01:46:38,539 Mr Gryle and I had a very interesting chat. 1234 01:46:39,900 --> 01:46:42,699 I know exactly what you've been up to. 1235 01:46:42,700 --> 01:46:44,379 Where's your proof? 1236 01:46:44,380 --> 01:46:46,259 All in good time. 1237 01:46:46,260 --> 01:46:49,219 You're such a fraud. 1238 01:46:49,220 --> 01:46:52,059 And you're such a murderer. 1239 01:46:57,980 --> 01:47:00,379 That is slander. 1240 01:47:01,420 --> 01:47:04,419 This is a declaration of war. 1241 01:47:04,420 --> 01:47:05,659 Can I quote you on that? 1242 01:47:05,660 --> 01:47:08,019 If you want a quote, Miss Cripslock, try this. 1243 01:47:08,020 --> 01:47:12,099 Neither rain nor fire can stop the post. 1244 01:47:13,740 --> 01:47:15,499 Very stirring. 1245 01:47:15,500 --> 01:47:18,419 But his quote had "war" in it. 1246 01:47:21,020 --> 01:47:24,259 Fine talk, sir. Fine talk. You do give a good bite of sound. 1247 01:47:24,260 --> 01:47:26,699 If you don't mind me saying, it's bugger all help. 1248 01:47:26,700 --> 01:47:28,099 I know, I know. 1249 01:47:28,100 --> 01:47:32,379 They come through with a new technological breakthrough. 1250 01:47:32,380 --> 01:47:36,699 "A modern miracle that will change communications for ever." 1251 01:47:36,700 --> 01:47:39,299 And we haven't even got a roof. 1252 01:47:39,300 --> 01:47:42,939 Oh, one decent downpour and all this will be papier-mache. 1253 01:47:42,940 --> 01:47:45,219 Big roofs cost big money. 1254 01:47:48,820 --> 01:47:50,859 That's it, Mr Groat. 1255 01:47:50,860 --> 01:47:52,659 Rain. 1256 01:47:54,020 --> 01:47:56,539 Rainy days. 1257 01:47:56,540 --> 01:48:01,379 The problem with people who put money away for a rainy day 1258 01:48:01,380 --> 01:48:04,459 is they never know when it's raining. 1259 01:48:06,540 --> 01:48:09,339 Well, I think it's about to pour. 1260 01:48:15,740 --> 01:48:16,939 Stress. 1261 01:48:16,940 --> 01:48:19,779 It does funny things to a man. 1262 01:48:24,500 --> 01:48:25,859 Sausage? 1263 01:48:26,780 --> 01:48:30,459 Mrs Leakall's Premium Reserve sausages. 1264 01:48:30,460 --> 01:48:33,139 A special offering. 1265 01:48:33,140 --> 01:48:35,219 Because I have a special prayer. 1266 01:48:35,220 --> 01:48:37,979 Well, you're off to a good start. 1267 01:48:39,900 --> 01:48:45,139 Tell me, how do you actually get the sausages up there? 1268 01:48:45,140 --> 01:48:49,939 Frying. The gift of sausages ascends onto Offler, the sacred crocodile, 1269 01:48:49,940 --> 01:48:52,019 by means of smell. 1270 01:48:56,140 --> 01:49:00,219 And then you... eat the sausage? 1271 01:49:00,980 --> 01:49:03,139 A common misconception. 1272 01:49:03,140 --> 01:49:05,859 But the true sausagidity goes to Offler. 1273 01:49:05,860 --> 01:49:11,019 He eats the... essence of the sausages. 1274 01:49:11,020 --> 01:49:14,859 While we priests eat the earthly shell. 1275 01:49:17,940 --> 01:49:20,379 That would explain why the smell of sausages 1276 01:49:20,380 --> 01:49:24,819 is always better than the actual taste, perhaps. 1277 01:49:24,820 --> 01:49:27,259 You should have been a theologian. 1278 01:49:27,260 --> 01:49:31,259 So, what is your prayer to accompany Mrs Leakall's finest? 1279 01:49:31,260 --> 01:49:33,099 Just the usual. 1280 01:49:33,100 --> 01:49:36,739 Pennies from heaven. 1281 01:49:36,740 --> 01:49:42,619 $150,000... to be precise. 1282 01:49:43,340 --> 01:49:49,939 Might take more than a few sausages to get something that... specific. 1283 01:49:51,420 --> 01:49:55,419 But... let's give it a shot. 1284 01:50:14,180 --> 01:50:16,219 Post! 1285 01:50:17,580 --> 01:50:18,579 Post! 1286 01:50:24,740 --> 01:50:27,939 Good work, Stanley. That'll do it. 1287 01:50:29,740 --> 01:50:32,619 Forwards, Stanley, forwards. 1288 01:50:36,500 --> 01:50:40,259 Post. 1289 01:50:44,980 --> 01:50:46,379 Come on. 1290 01:50:46,380 --> 01:50:48,659 Everyone loves getting a letter. 1291 01:50:51,940 --> 01:50:56,699 I think it's best you stay away from Miss Adora. 1292 01:50:57,460 --> 01:50:59,579 Stay away? 1293 01:50:59,580 --> 01:51:01,619 I can't do that, she loves me. 1294 01:51:01,620 --> 01:51:04,819 But she just tried to kill you. 1295 01:51:04,820 --> 01:51:09,979 Well, the human heart is a complex thing, Mr Pump. 1296 01:51:09,980 --> 01:51:13,539 Love, hate, they're just a breath apart. 1297 01:51:13,540 --> 01:51:16,379 She doesn't know it yet, but she loves me. 1298 01:51:33,180 --> 01:51:34,379 Mr Pump. 1299 01:51:35,500 --> 01:51:37,539 That's your third delivery today. 1300 01:51:37,540 --> 01:51:40,739 Many letters survived the fire. 1301 01:51:40,740 --> 01:51:44,299 We are working round the clock to deliver them. 1302 01:51:44,300 --> 01:51:47,179 Round the clock? Without a break. 1303 01:51:47,180 --> 01:51:50,499 That is how much we believe in Postmaster Lipwig. 1304 01:51:50,500 --> 01:51:52,939 But that's exploitation. 1305 01:51:52,940 --> 01:51:54,859 The Golem Trust can't allow it. 1306 01:51:54,860 --> 01:51:57,979 You misunderstand. 1307 01:51:57,980 --> 01:52:01,379 We volunteered. Volunteered? 1308 01:52:02,660 --> 01:52:05,739 That is the worst form of exploitation. 1309 01:52:51,220 --> 01:52:52,219 Rats. 1310 01:53:14,260 --> 01:53:16,779 What are you doing, Horsefry? 1311 01:53:16,780 --> 01:53:18,779 I need it for my budget. 1312 01:53:19,500 --> 01:53:21,619 Budget? 1313 01:53:21,620 --> 01:53:24,899 I need to know how many towers we're going to build. 1314 01:53:27,340 --> 01:53:30,659 Do you know what I really like about you, Horsefry? 1315 01:53:30,660 --> 01:53:33,419 Your naivety. 1316 01:53:33,420 --> 01:53:36,019 Sorry, don't quite get you. 1317 01:53:40,340 --> 01:53:45,739 We put up the clacks charges to finance a fleet of towers, right? 1318 01:53:45,740 --> 01:53:49,099 But we don't actually build any. 1319 01:53:49,100 --> 01:53:53,219 So the extra revenue becomes pure profit. 1320 01:53:55,620 --> 01:54:00,099 But won't people want to see some towers? 1321 01:54:00,100 --> 01:54:03,299 Well, we'll wheel out that fancy model every now and then, 1322 01:54:03,300 --> 01:54:08,099 give the idiots some eye candy to gawp at. 1323 01:54:08,100 --> 01:54:14,099 Meanwhile, the mobile clacks project is officially in development. 1324 01:54:17,100 --> 01:54:18,459 Shame. 1325 01:54:19,660 --> 01:54:22,419 I thought it was a good idea. 1326 01:54:23,380 --> 01:54:27,659 Horsefry, Horsefry. 1327 01:54:28,380 --> 01:54:32,139 They aim of business is? Erm... 1328 01:54:32,140 --> 01:54:35,979 Not to provide a good service, but to provide the... 1329 01:54:35,980 --> 01:54:38,899 Only. ..only service. 1330 01:54:48,860 --> 01:54:52,459 They seem very taken with the new-fangled towers, sir. 1331 01:54:52,460 --> 01:54:54,659 It's the oldest trick in the book. 1332 01:54:54,660 --> 01:54:57,659 Dazzle the punter with a pretty picture. 1333 01:54:57,660 --> 01:55:00,139 What's a punter? 1334 01:55:00,140 --> 01:55:04,019 They haven't even built the mobiles yet, have they? 1335 01:55:04,020 --> 01:55:05,699 It's all promise. 1336 01:55:05,700 --> 01:55:08,099 Know what happens to promises. 1337 01:55:08,100 --> 01:55:11,339 Will the people ever come back to us? 1338 01:55:11,340 --> 01:55:13,059 How would they be able to resist 1339 01:55:13,060 --> 01:55:17,619 when we have our new state-of-the-art Post Office? 1340 01:55:17,620 --> 01:55:21,699 Not in our lifetime. You underestimate me, Mr Groat. 1341 01:55:21,700 --> 01:55:23,419 I don't want to hurt your feelings, 1342 01:55:23,420 --> 01:55:26,459 but praying for money is a bit desperate, don't you think? 1343 01:55:26,460 --> 01:55:30,139 There's a god out there for everyone. The trick is hooking up with - 1344 01:55:32,100 --> 01:55:35,219 Mr Lipwig! Mr Lipwig! 1345 01:55:37,260 --> 01:55:39,299 Mr Lipwig! 1346 01:55:44,940 --> 01:55:46,059 The light. 1347 01:55:47,260 --> 01:55:50,619 The wonderful light. 1348 01:55:50,620 --> 01:55:53,739 Glory be to Offler. 1349 01:55:53,740 --> 01:55:56,699 The sacred crocodile god. 1350 01:55:59,780 --> 01:56:00,779 Oh! 1351 01:56:02,380 --> 01:56:05,939 He's blind. He's blind. 1352 01:56:05,940 --> 01:56:08,219 Mr Lipwig, sir. 1353 01:56:08,620 --> 01:56:12,379 Mr Lipwig! Mr Lipwig! 1354 01:56:12,540 --> 01:56:15,619 One regular white, one skinny Klatchian. 1355 01:56:17,780 --> 01:56:19,899 And two figgins, please. 1356 01:56:20,700 --> 01:56:22,939 Somebody call a doctor. 1357 01:56:26,820 --> 01:56:29,259 Can you see nothing at all? 1358 01:56:29,260 --> 01:56:32,459 Are you totally blind? 1359 01:56:32,460 --> 01:56:36,779 Only blind to this world, my friend. 1360 01:56:38,540 --> 01:56:43,819 Now I perceive the inner truth. 1361 01:56:44,620 --> 01:56:45,619 Yes. 1362 01:56:50,700 --> 01:56:53,699 The angels of Offler... 1363 01:56:53,700 --> 01:56:55,979 ...whisper onto me. 1364 01:56:58,780 --> 01:57:03,259 One... hundred... and... 1365 01:57:03,260 --> 01:57:06,379 ...fifty thousand dollars. 1366 01:57:07,780 --> 01:57:12,499 Buried... in a forest. 1367 01:57:16,340 --> 01:57:17,699 Offler. 1368 01:57:17,700 --> 01:57:19,899 I am not worthy. 1369 01:57:24,460 --> 01:57:28,539 Let the angels choose a holy witness. 1370 01:57:28,540 --> 01:57:30,099 Me, me! 1371 01:57:32,340 --> 01:57:35,659 I'll give you the front page. 1372 01:57:35,660 --> 01:57:37,939 You... 1373 01:57:37,940 --> 01:57:39,979 ...are chosen. 1374 01:57:45,380 --> 01:57:49,819 Offler says... to the hop gate. 1375 01:57:51,620 --> 01:57:53,499 And bring a shovel. 1376 01:58:02,540 --> 01:58:04,859 Divine intervention. 1377 01:58:08,460 --> 01:58:10,659 Show me the way! 1378 01:58:13,820 --> 01:58:16,299 The praying man. 1379 01:58:16,300 --> 01:58:17,899 It is here. 1380 01:58:21,980 --> 01:58:26,859 The praying man under the praying tree. 1381 01:58:28,700 --> 01:58:30,539 Looks like an elephant to me. 1382 01:58:35,460 --> 01:58:40,619 Well, now you mention it, I can definitely see a praying man. 1383 01:58:58,260 --> 01:59:00,899 He can see. 1384 01:59:01,900 --> 01:59:02,979 What's going on? 1385 01:59:02,980 --> 01:59:05,339 You're under arrest, that's what's going on. 1386 01:59:13,180 --> 01:59:15,819 Hello again. 1387 01:59:20,580 --> 01:59:22,819 Mr Lipwig. 1388 01:59:23,900 --> 01:59:26,699 I demand you step aside. 1389 01:59:26,700 --> 01:59:30,099 Can't you wait until Mr Lipwig returns? 1390 01:59:30,100 --> 01:59:32,539 Mr Lipwig is in breach of contract. 1391 01:59:32,540 --> 01:59:35,859 But we golems are satisfied with him. 1392 01:59:35,860 --> 01:59:38,219 You've been manipulated by him. 1393 01:59:38,940 --> 01:59:41,779 Not manipulated. 1394 01:59:41,780 --> 01:59:43,459 Persuaded. 1395 01:59:49,420 --> 01:59:51,659 Now you're making me angry. 1396 01:59:51,660 --> 01:59:54,299 Pump 19. 1397 01:59:56,580 --> 01:59:59,539 I will assemble the golems. 1398 02:00:06,780 --> 02:00:08,739 Mr Lipwig. 1399 02:00:08,740 --> 02:00:11,699 You've had a most strenuous day, have you not? 1400 02:00:12,980 --> 02:00:16,059 Can't be as strenuous as signing death warrants. 1401 02:00:18,300 --> 02:00:19,299 Joke. 1402 02:00:22,220 --> 02:00:25,699 Oh, I'm sorry, I hadn't realised. 1403 02:00:25,700 --> 02:00:28,899 Do tell me if you feel obliged to make another. 1404 02:00:30,740 --> 02:00:35,179 To be honest, today has all been a bit of a blur. 1405 02:00:35,180 --> 02:00:39,779 There's $150,000 buried in the forest. 1406 02:00:39,780 --> 02:00:43,499 And you have no idea how it got there. 1407 02:00:43,500 --> 02:00:45,619 It's miraculous. 1408 02:00:45,620 --> 02:00:49,139 A remarkable coincidence that it is precisely the sum of money 1409 02:00:49,140 --> 02:00:52,419 that was hidden by a notorious conman. 1410 02:00:52,420 --> 02:00:54,139 Conman? 1411 02:00:55,020 --> 02:01:00,139 Who was that then? We hanged him. He's dead. 1412 02:01:00,140 --> 02:01:01,499 Isn't he? 1413 02:01:02,740 --> 02:01:06,139 Yes. He's dead. 1414 02:01:06,140 --> 02:01:07,419 Excellent. 1415 02:01:07,420 --> 02:01:10,659 So, as this money is a gift from the gods, 1416 02:01:10,660 --> 02:01:14,299 it should be used for the public good, should it not? 1417 02:01:21,700 --> 02:01:25,339 The eyes, Mr Lipwig. Hmm? 1418 02:01:25,340 --> 02:01:28,139 You can trust me. 1419 02:01:28,140 --> 02:01:29,139 Oh, that. 1420 02:01:31,180 --> 02:01:33,219 Made from turtle egg shells. 1421 02:01:35,540 --> 02:01:37,419 Ingenious. Thank you. 1422 02:01:37,420 --> 02:01:40,539 I meant me for making you postmaster. 1423 02:01:44,540 --> 02:01:47,619 Ah. Marvellous. 1424 02:01:48,980 --> 02:01:50,499 Mr Lipwig. 1425 02:01:52,180 --> 02:01:56,459 But if I'm to restore the Post Office, I have to pay the builders. 1426 02:01:56,460 --> 02:01:59,259 Send the bills to Drumknott. 1427 02:01:59,260 --> 02:02:02,619 Your job is to make sure that Reacher Gilt 1428 02:02:02,620 --> 02:02:06,779 is in no position to burn the Post Office down again. 1429 02:02:06,780 --> 02:02:08,899 He's a murderer. 1430 02:02:08,900 --> 02:02:12,499 An accusation for which you have hard evidence? 1431 02:02:14,180 --> 02:02:18,459 Your spies could find some evidence, no doubt. 1432 02:02:18,460 --> 02:02:19,459 Spies? 1433 02:02:21,380 --> 02:02:24,659 I did hear there was a man on the inside. 1434 02:02:24,660 --> 02:02:27,499 But he was dropped from his position. 1435 02:02:29,300 --> 02:02:30,979 Quite literally. 1436 02:02:31,900 --> 02:02:35,259 John Dearheart was your spy? 1437 02:02:35,260 --> 02:02:37,379 He was a spy. 1438 02:02:37,380 --> 02:02:40,179 But he didn't get very far. 1439 02:02:40,180 --> 02:02:43,819 Perhaps if he'd possessed the agile mind of a conman, 1440 02:02:43,820 --> 02:02:47,099 he might have had more success as a spy. 1441 02:02:49,660 --> 02:02:54,179 You think I'm some thug piece to be moved around at your leisure? 1442 02:02:54,180 --> 02:02:56,819 Precisely. No. 1443 02:02:56,820 --> 02:02:59,939 I won't be your spy. 1444 02:02:59,940 --> 02:03:03,459 Shame. Miss Dearheart would have been impressed. 1445 02:03:12,380 --> 02:03:15,539 Indeed it is the very essence of golem. 1446 02:03:15,540 --> 02:03:17,819 But enough is enough. 1447 02:03:17,820 --> 02:03:21,579 This postmaster, this Lipwig, is an exploiter. 1448 02:03:21,580 --> 02:03:25,299 The Golem Trust can't allow it and won't allow it. 1449 02:03:25,300 --> 02:03:27,219 Just because you don't need a tea break 1450 02:03:27,220 --> 02:03:29,419 doesn't mean you're not entitled to one. 1451 02:03:29,420 --> 02:03:32,419 Right now the Post Office needs you more than you need it. 1452 02:03:32,420 --> 02:03:35,699 There is only one course of action to take in those circumstances. 1453 02:03:35,700 --> 02:03:37,979 Strike and strike hard. 1454 02:03:37,980 --> 02:03:39,419 So what do we want? 1455 02:03:42,900 --> 02:03:44,699 OK. 1456 02:03:44,700 --> 02:03:46,739 OK, let's go straight to the vote. 1457 02:03:46,740 --> 02:03:49,779 All those in favour of an immediate withdrawal of labour 1458 02:03:49,780 --> 02:03:52,139 raise your hand. 1459 02:03:57,420 --> 02:03:59,299 Oh, I see. 1460 02:03:59,300 --> 02:04:03,899 I suppose you all think the sun shines out of Lipwig's backside. 1461 02:04:14,780 --> 02:04:16,259 Very well. 1462 02:04:16,260 --> 02:04:19,059 But don't come running to me when you're so worn out 1463 02:04:19,060 --> 02:04:22,579 that the only thing you're able to hold is a pot plant. 1464 02:04:24,860 --> 02:04:25,859 Adora. 1465 02:04:27,340 --> 02:04:28,339 Adora, wait. 1466 02:04:28,340 --> 02:04:30,259 How dare you turn my golems against me. 1467 02:04:30,260 --> 02:04:33,139 You're the one who said they can't be manipulated. 1468 02:04:35,420 --> 02:04:37,699 The brochure is being revised. 1469 02:04:37,700 --> 02:04:41,099 Did you know your brother was a spy for Lord Vetinari? 1470 02:04:44,140 --> 02:04:46,819 You really will say anything just to get my attention. 1471 02:04:46,820 --> 02:04:47,899 It's the truth. 1472 02:04:47,900 --> 02:04:51,219 Let my brother rest in peace. Fine, then here's what we'll do. 1473 02:04:51,220 --> 02:04:53,419 We'll keep on fighting day and night. 1474 02:04:53,420 --> 02:04:55,619 We'll make sure we never share information 1475 02:04:55,620 --> 02:04:58,899 that could damage the clacks. That way Reacher Gilt's sure to win. 1476 02:04:58,900 --> 02:05:01,939 You think you're the only one who can bring down Reacher Gilt. 1477 02:05:01,940 --> 02:05:04,379 The arrogance, the conceit. 1478 02:05:04,380 --> 02:05:06,139 I don't need you. 1479 02:05:06,140 --> 02:05:08,299 I'll show you just how much I don't need you. 1480 02:05:08,300 --> 02:05:10,259 The one-woman crusade, how noble. 1481 02:05:10,260 --> 02:05:13,459 You'll see. The whole city will see. 1482 02:05:26,900 --> 02:05:28,739 Good work, lads. 1483 02:05:35,060 --> 02:05:38,819 Are we ready, Mr Groat? Just a few more, sir. 1484 02:05:38,820 --> 02:05:42,139 Bet you're glad you invented perforations, eh, Stanley? 1485 02:05:42,140 --> 02:05:46,859 Strange thing is some people are sending letters to themselves. 1486 02:05:46,860 --> 02:05:48,219 What? 1487 02:05:48,220 --> 02:05:51,899 Once the stamp has been through the post it makes it more real. 1488 02:05:51,900 --> 02:05:55,179 You see, people are collecting them. 1489 02:05:57,220 --> 02:05:59,659 Just like you and your pins, eh? 1490 02:05:59,660 --> 02:06:01,099 Pins? 1491 02:06:02,140 --> 02:06:03,819 Oh, pins. 1492 02:06:03,820 --> 02:06:06,619 No, pins are just pointy metal things. 1493 02:06:06,620 --> 02:06:07,979 Ready to roll, sir. 1494 02:06:07,980 --> 02:06:11,059 All you good people of the city. 1495 02:06:11,060 --> 02:06:15,259 Now run in conjunction with Hobson's Livery, 1496 02:06:15,260 --> 02:06:18,259 it gives me great pleasure to crack the whip 1497 02:06:18,260 --> 02:06:21,499 on the overnight express to Sto Lat. 1498 02:06:27,620 --> 02:06:30,059 So much for us having won. 1499 02:06:31,780 --> 02:06:34,899 How dare the gods work against me. 1500 02:06:34,900 --> 02:06:38,579 I don't remember giving them permission. 1501 02:06:41,580 --> 02:06:46,539 Why don't we just concentrate on our own business? 1502 02:06:46,540 --> 02:06:49,819 Because Lipwig's taking our business. 1503 02:06:49,820 --> 02:06:52,219 Look at them. 1504 02:06:52,220 --> 02:06:56,659 One artist's impression... and they believe. 1505 02:06:59,020 --> 02:07:02,899 Of course, posting the letter is one thing. 1506 02:07:02,900 --> 02:07:07,139 Making sure it arrives is another thing altogether. 1507 02:07:26,260 --> 02:07:28,499 Yah! Yah! 1508 02:09:00,820 --> 02:09:02,819 Oh, here we go again. 1509 02:09:02,820 --> 02:09:05,339 What's up? 1510 02:09:05,340 --> 02:09:07,219 It's jammed. 1511 02:09:07,220 --> 02:09:10,219 Maybe it's iced up. Better call maintenance. 1512 02:09:10,220 --> 02:09:13,219 Oh yeah, yeah. Like we got three days to waste. 1513 02:09:30,420 --> 02:09:34,299 Princess, you've got to come and see this. 1514 02:09:34,300 --> 02:09:36,299 I'm looking right at it. 1515 02:09:40,180 --> 02:09:42,219 A fault? 1516 02:09:42,220 --> 02:09:44,819 It seems it's spreading right through the system, 1517 02:09:44,820 --> 02:09:48,219 which is why we need to shut everything down now. 1518 02:09:48,220 --> 02:09:52,059 Shut down the entire clacks? 1519 02:09:52,060 --> 02:09:54,419 It's the only way. 1520 02:09:54,420 --> 02:09:57,699 Did I tell you the good news, Mr Pony? 1521 02:09:57,700 --> 02:09:59,699 I'm recommending you for a pay rise. 1522 02:09:59,700 --> 02:10:02,179 A substantial pay rise. 1523 02:10:02,180 --> 02:10:05,219 And I'm pushing for a bonus, too. 1524 02:10:05,220 --> 02:10:07,059 That's very generous of you, Mr Gilt. 1525 02:10:07,060 --> 02:10:10,419 Nothing less than you deserve, Mr Po- 1526 02:10:10,420 --> 02:10:12,419 Or may I call you... 1527 02:10:13,940 --> 02:10:16,019 ...George. 1528 02:10:16,020 --> 02:10:21,419 Problem is, George, I have to answer to the board. 1529 02:10:21,420 --> 02:10:24,419 And what will they say when my very next sentence is, 1530 02:10:24,420 --> 02:10:27,219 "Mr Pony wants to shut down the clacks." 1531 02:10:27,220 --> 02:10:29,499 Well, you don't have to be a boardroom veteran 1532 02:10:29,500 --> 02:10:31,219 to work that one out, do you? 1533 02:10:31,220 --> 02:10:35,219 I want you to have that bonus, George. 1534 02:10:35,220 --> 02:10:37,619 I really do. 1535 02:10:37,620 --> 02:10:39,819 So I'm going to ask you just one more time. 1536 02:10:39,820 --> 02:10:43,059 Are you absolutely sure you can't solve this technical hiccough 1537 02:10:43,060 --> 02:10:46,219 without having to shut down the whole system? 1538 02:10:46,220 --> 02:10:49,419 Well, maybe we can come at it from a different angle. 1539 02:10:49,420 --> 02:10:53,259 By damn it, George, you've talked me into it. 1540 02:10:53,260 --> 02:10:56,299 I'll tell the board you've got the whole thing under control. 1541 02:10:56,300 --> 02:11:00,099 Your skill and ingenuity will be the saving of the company. 1542 02:11:17,860 --> 02:11:21,339 I hadn't budgeted for any pay rises, Reacher. 1543 02:11:23,220 --> 02:11:25,219 You won't have to. 1544 02:11:26,420 --> 02:11:30,619 Money dangled is much more effective than... 1545 02:11:30,620 --> 02:11:33,259 ...money given. 1546 02:11:33,260 --> 02:11:35,899 Er, talking of wages. 1547 02:11:37,380 --> 02:11:41,419 How much did you pay the banshee in the end? 1548 02:11:41,420 --> 02:11:43,419 What does it matter? 1549 02:11:43,420 --> 02:11:46,899 I just need to reconcile my ledger. 1550 02:11:46,900 --> 02:11:49,219 You mean you actually intend 1551 02:11:49,220 --> 02:11:53,219 to write down how much I paid an assassin? 1552 02:11:55,620 --> 02:11:57,619 I've always done it in the past. 1553 02:12:00,060 --> 02:12:03,659 Well, got to keep records, Reacher. 1554 02:12:03,660 --> 02:12:06,899 Can't cover your tracks if you don't know where you've left them. 1555 02:12:06,900 --> 02:12:09,459 And is that the only ledger? 1556 02:12:09,460 --> 02:12:12,859 No, I've got dozens of them going back years. 1557 02:12:12,860 --> 02:12:13,859 Oh. 1558 02:12:15,660 --> 02:12:19,219 I'd love to see them, Horsefry. 1559 02:12:19,220 --> 02:12:20,219 Really? 1560 02:12:20,220 --> 02:12:21,419 Yes. 1561 02:12:22,220 --> 02:12:23,819 They're in my office. 1562 02:12:23,820 --> 02:12:25,619 Come up any time. 1563 02:12:25,620 --> 02:12:27,339 Now, Crispin. 1564 02:12:27,340 --> 02:12:30,299 I want to see them. 1565 02:12:30,300 --> 02:12:31,499 Now. 1566 02:12:34,220 --> 02:12:36,179 Never shown any interest before. 1567 02:12:36,180 --> 02:12:37,419 No. 1568 02:12:37,420 --> 02:12:40,419 Well, I'm very interested in... 1569 02:12:41,620 --> 02:12:43,619 ...settling accounts. 1570 02:12:49,380 --> 02:12:51,379 Thank you. 1571 02:13:06,540 --> 02:13:08,539 There you are. 1572 02:13:24,060 --> 02:13:26,419 So that's what she meant. 1573 02:13:26,420 --> 02:13:27,899 Mr Lipwig, sir. 1574 02:13:27,900 --> 02:13:29,899 Oh, calamity. 1575 02:13:29,900 --> 02:13:31,899 The mail coach is back, sir. 1576 02:13:31,900 --> 02:13:33,219 Already? 1577 02:13:33,220 --> 02:13:37,339 But there's no mail. And not much coach. 1578 02:13:46,420 --> 02:13:48,419 So efficient. 1579 02:13:50,220 --> 02:13:52,819 Thank you. 1580 02:13:52,820 --> 02:13:54,819 Nice to be appreciated. 1581 02:14:06,220 --> 02:14:08,219 What have you done, Horsefry? 1582 02:14:10,300 --> 02:14:12,219 Er... 1583 02:14:12,220 --> 02:14:14,019 ...my job. 1584 02:14:14,020 --> 02:14:16,019 Account for things. 1585 02:14:20,020 --> 02:14:22,419 Damn you. 1586 02:14:22,420 --> 02:14:25,419 Account for this. 1587 02:14:31,620 --> 02:14:34,219 Reacher, no! Leave it. 1588 02:14:34,220 --> 02:14:36,659 What are you doing? Saving us from prison. 1589 02:14:36,660 --> 02:14:38,139 But we have to keep account. 1590 02:14:38,140 --> 02:14:39,739 Your job is to hide things, 1591 02:14:39,740 --> 02:14:42,419 not to declare them for the whole world to see. 1592 02:14:42,420 --> 02:14:45,219 Please, Reacher! It is my life's work. 1593 02:14:45,220 --> 02:14:47,219 Get off me, you fat fool. 1594 02:14:49,900 --> 02:14:52,219 Look at you. 1595 02:14:52,220 --> 02:14:56,219 Loose flesh, loose tongue, loose brain. 1596 02:14:56,220 --> 02:14:59,019 Just loose everything. 1597 02:14:59,820 --> 02:15:02,139 The fact is, Horsefry, 1598 02:15:02,140 --> 02:15:05,139 you're too stupid to live. 1599 02:15:31,620 --> 02:15:34,859 Found the fault yet, Mr Pony? 1600 02:15:34,860 --> 02:15:36,659 I-I... 1601 02:15:42,220 --> 02:15:44,219 Mr Horsefry was taken ill. 1602 02:15:46,020 --> 02:15:49,419 It left a nasty stain on the carpet. 1603 02:15:49,420 --> 02:15:51,619 I sent him home. 1604 02:15:51,620 --> 02:15:55,419 But can't stand the smell. 1605 02:15:57,700 --> 02:15:59,819 Mr Pony, that's not the look of a man 1606 02:15:59,820 --> 02:16:02,819 who's in for a substantial pay rise. 1607 02:16:06,620 --> 02:16:08,619 Better. 1608 02:16:36,420 --> 02:16:39,739 Adora, that's a really neat trick you pulled off. 1609 02:16:43,620 --> 02:16:45,059 I knew you'd see it my way. 1610 02:16:45,060 --> 02:16:47,099 I have no idea what you're talking about. 1611 02:16:47,100 --> 02:16:49,819 Freezing the towers. That was very slick. 1612 02:16:49,820 --> 02:16:52,979 The trouble is, right now the Post Office is down, too. Bandits. 1613 02:16:52,980 --> 02:16:56,139 Hmm. How careless of you. 1614 02:16:56,140 --> 02:16:57,779 We need a double whammy. 1615 02:16:57,780 --> 02:17:00,419 As you hit the clacks, we can steal their business. 1616 02:17:00,420 --> 02:17:01,619 A synchronised attack. 1617 02:17:01,620 --> 02:17:03,219 I wouldn't synchronise with you 1618 02:17:03,220 --> 02:17:05,219 if you were the last person on the Disc. 1619 02:17:05,220 --> 02:17:08,219 40 Passing Clouds, please. 1620 02:17:08,220 --> 02:17:09,419 You know what? 1621 02:17:09,420 --> 02:17:12,779 You're right. You don't need me. 1622 02:17:12,780 --> 02:17:16,139 You're more than capable of bringing down Reacher Gilt on your own. 1623 02:17:16,140 --> 02:17:17,699 You've got it all under control 1624 02:17:17,700 --> 02:17:21,179 so I'll just walk away and leave you in peace. 1625 02:17:21,180 --> 02:17:23,179 You won't ever hear from me again. 1626 02:17:27,100 --> 02:17:30,299 Two... Don't you want to know how I did it? 1627 02:17:35,220 --> 02:17:38,539 Go out onto the Post Office roof. 1628 02:17:38,540 --> 02:17:42,259 Get yourself a little bit closer to Heaven. 1629 02:17:42,260 --> 02:17:45,979 Then get down on your knees and pray. 1630 02:17:45,980 --> 02:17:48,099 You know how to pray, don't you? 1631 02:17:48,100 --> 02:17:50,579 Just put your hands together and hope. 1632 02:18:11,220 --> 02:18:13,019 Hello? 1633 02:18:20,220 --> 02:18:22,219 She said pray. 1634 02:18:32,180 --> 02:18:35,539 Hope you don't mind about the sausage business. 1635 02:18:35,540 --> 02:18:37,099 But, to be perfectly honest, 1636 02:18:37,100 --> 02:18:41,219 I think we both came out of it looking pretty good. 1637 02:18:41,220 --> 02:18:44,019 Anyway, I was wondering if - 1638 02:18:54,860 --> 02:18:56,859 Is this about the rent? 1639 02:18:58,620 --> 02:18:59,939 Who the hell are you? 1640 02:18:59,940 --> 02:19:03,739 We paid Mr Groat. So you'll have to take it up with him. 1641 02:19:07,420 --> 02:19:09,419 Forget Groat. 1642 02:19:10,820 --> 02:19:13,019 What are you doing on my roof? 1643 02:19:13,020 --> 02:19:15,659 I'm Mad Al. He's Sane Alex. 1644 02:19:15,660 --> 02:19:16,819 And that's Adrian. 1645 02:19:16,820 --> 02:19:19,339 He says he's not mad but you can't prove it, can you? 1646 02:19:19,340 --> 02:19:21,699 We're pigeon fanciers. 1647 02:19:21,700 --> 02:19:23,699 So where are the pigeons? 1648 02:19:25,860 --> 02:19:27,859 Out flying. 1649 02:19:29,420 --> 02:19:31,419 Pigeons don't fly at night. 1650 02:19:32,460 --> 02:19:34,259 Bats. 1651 02:19:34,260 --> 02:19:36,939 We're trying to breed homing bats. 1652 02:19:36,940 --> 02:19:39,419 Bats don't have a homing instinct. 1653 02:19:40,380 --> 02:19:41,579 Yes. 1654 02:19:42,700 --> 02:19:43,819 Tragic, isn't it? 1655 02:19:43,820 --> 02:19:46,419 Yeah, because sometimes I come up here at night 1656 02:19:46,420 --> 02:19:48,819 and I just see their empty little perches. 1657 02:19:48,820 --> 02:19:50,819 Is all I can do not to cry. 1658 02:19:54,700 --> 02:19:58,099 Well, I'm sure Lord Vetinari will be fascinated to hear all about it. 1659 02:19:58,100 --> 02:20:02,419 You know, I quite enjoyed seeing you on your knees. 1660 02:20:02,420 --> 02:20:04,219 Adora. 1661 02:20:06,620 --> 02:20:08,619 The Smoking GNU, actually. 1662 02:20:16,100 --> 02:20:20,899 You can really jam the whole clacks system from a pigeon loft? 1663 02:20:20,900 --> 02:20:22,899 Mm-hmm. 1664 02:20:23,820 --> 02:20:24,819 Nice trick. 1665 02:20:24,820 --> 02:20:26,099 Trick? 1666 02:20:26,100 --> 02:20:28,219 This is cutting edge cracking. 1667 02:20:28,220 --> 02:20:29,659 Two years in development. 1668 02:20:29,660 --> 02:20:31,659 Iterative beta testing. 1669 02:20:31,660 --> 02:20:34,219 Culminating in this. 1670 02:20:39,860 --> 02:20:41,859 Away you go, boys. 1671 02:20:55,620 --> 02:20:57,619 Firing out from here... 1672 02:20:58,660 --> 02:21:00,379 ...into the Grand Trunk. 1673 02:21:00,380 --> 02:21:02,379 Then... 1674 02:21:03,820 --> 02:21:05,099 Jam. 1675 02:21:05,100 --> 02:21:08,219 But before it jams, it's already passed the code on. 1676 02:21:08,220 --> 02:21:09,699 So... 1677 02:21:10,620 --> 02:21:11,120 Jam. 1678 02:21:21,820 --> 02:21:24,499 The problem started at this tower. 1679 02:21:24,500 --> 02:21:28,419 And I think one of you has been meddling. 1680 02:21:28,420 --> 02:21:31,219 Was it him? Was this his idea of a joke? 1681 02:21:31,220 --> 02:21:33,099 No, sir. He didn't do anything. 1682 02:21:33,100 --> 02:21:37,579 Then it must have been you. You with a juvenile sense of humour. 1683 02:21:40,700 --> 02:21:44,619 Stay back. I'll have to drop every employee until someone - 1684 02:21:44,620 --> 02:21:46,979 I've got it. I know what's happened. 1685 02:21:46,980 --> 02:21:50,619 One moment, Mr Pony. I'm just disposing of some assets. 1686 02:21:51,620 --> 02:21:54,819 Hey! That's my niece. 1687 02:21:54,820 --> 02:21:57,099 Oh, that is useful to know. 1688 02:21:57,100 --> 02:21:58,899 It's a strange aperture. 1689 02:21:58,900 --> 02:22:01,419 It's jumping off the elliptical bearing. 1690 02:22:01,420 --> 02:22:03,619 I can fix it. 1691 02:22:03,620 --> 02:22:05,619 If you hit Q and then K, 1692 02:22:05,620 --> 02:22:08,019 and the resonant frequency to sent it to Genua, 1693 02:22:08,020 --> 02:22:09,939 when the pressure is higher than ours - 1694 02:22:09,940 --> 02:22:13,419 Spare me the details. Can you trace it? 1695 02:22:13,420 --> 02:22:15,499 Well, there's over 10,000 messages here. 1696 02:22:17,700 --> 02:22:19,299 I might be able to find it. 1697 02:22:19,300 --> 02:22:21,299 Thank you. 1698 02:22:23,780 --> 02:22:25,419 There, there. 1699 02:22:25,420 --> 02:22:28,699 Better stop down now. 1700 02:22:28,700 --> 02:22:33,539 When the sun comes up, they can see us. Shh. 1701 02:22:33,540 --> 02:22:34,739 See? 1702 02:22:35,500 --> 02:22:39,419 We can do to the clacks what my stiletto did to your foot. 1703 02:22:39,420 --> 02:22:41,899 It's not a bad start. 1704 02:22:41,900 --> 02:22:44,019 Not bad? 1705 02:22:44,020 --> 02:22:47,899 As long as we're sending, Reacher Gilt doesn't earn a single dollar. 1706 02:22:47,900 --> 02:22:51,019 Ah, but if we worked together 1707 02:22:51,020 --> 02:22:53,819 while you're stabbing his foot, 1708 02:22:53,820 --> 02:22:55,819 I can be picking his pocket. 1709 02:23:02,220 --> 02:23:04,059 The great thing about the Post Office 1710 02:23:04,060 --> 02:23:06,379 is we don't rely on complicated machines. 1711 02:23:06,380 --> 02:23:08,979 We have hands and feet. 1712 02:23:08,980 --> 02:23:09,979 And... 1713 02:23:11,100 --> 02:23:13,019 ...strong ones at that. 1714 02:23:13,020 --> 02:23:15,699 Heave away, Mr Pump. 1715 02:23:20,900 --> 02:23:26,219 Ladies, gentlemen, don't get caught in the clacks. 1716 02:23:26,220 --> 02:23:28,219 Come join us at the Post Office. 1717 02:23:28,220 --> 02:23:30,699 We'll get your message delivered. 1718 02:23:34,420 --> 02:23:40,899 You see, the clacks system works at the cutting edge of technology. 1719 02:23:40,900 --> 02:23:44,619 And in the white heat of progress there are sometimes complications. 1720 02:23:44,620 --> 02:23:47,939 But I can assure you there are now all resolved. 1721 02:23:47,940 --> 02:23:49,139 Some people are saying - 1722 02:23:49,140 --> 02:23:52,899 And we'll be providing refunds for any messages that have been lost. 1723 02:23:52,900 --> 02:23:54,979 All you have to do is fill in the claim form. 1724 02:23:54,980 --> 02:23:57,499 But I do urge your readers not to do anything as rash 1725 02:23:57,500 --> 02:24:01,019 as writing a letter and sending it by post. 1726 02:24:01,020 --> 02:24:02,019 Wouldn't you - 1727 02:24:02,020 --> 02:24:04,939 You might as well tear it up and scatter it to the four winds. 1728 02:24:04,940 --> 02:24:08,739 Mr Gilt, this claim form is 50 pages long. 1729 02:24:11,820 --> 02:24:14,419 A help desk will be provided. 1730 02:24:14,420 --> 02:24:17,899 But, please, don't get bogged down in the details. 1731 02:24:17,900 --> 02:24:23,739 What really matters is we fly high above the bandits. 1732 02:24:35,900 --> 02:24:40,819 I will wager my hat of office 1733 02:24:40,820 --> 02:24:45,819 that the clacks will have broken down by sunset tonight. 1734 02:24:53,620 --> 02:25:00,419 And when we win, I'll burn his ludicrous hat of office in this. 1735 02:25:02,940 --> 02:25:04,939 Now to collect on that wager. 1736 02:25:07,700 --> 02:25:09,419 Ready to stick the stiletto in? 1737 02:25:09,420 --> 02:25:11,419 The pleasure's all ours. 1738 02:25:28,220 --> 02:25:30,219 So, how long does it take? 1739 02:25:30,220 --> 02:25:33,019 It should have got to the first tower already. 1740 02:25:35,460 --> 02:25:38,139 I must say, it's looking distinctly underwhelming. 1741 02:25:40,540 --> 02:25:42,499 It's alright leaving us. 1742 02:25:42,500 --> 02:25:44,539 So much for iterative beta testing. 1743 02:25:44,540 --> 02:25:46,619 Don't shout at me. I'm not shouting. 1744 02:25:46,620 --> 02:25:49,299 I'm just calmly stating. Well, just don't. 1745 02:25:54,580 --> 02:25:56,579 Is it possible they could have... 1746 02:25:58,100 --> 02:26:00,219 ...cracked our code? 1747 02:26:00,220 --> 02:26:02,419 Just as I was beginning to like the hat. 1748 02:26:02,420 --> 02:26:05,819 Stop whining, Lipwig. I'm not whining, I'm just - 1749 02:26:05,820 --> 02:26:08,219 I'd like to know why the GNU isn't smoking. 1750 02:26:08,220 --> 02:26:11,379 I'm sure you've talked your way out of worse situations before. 1751 02:26:11,380 --> 02:26:15,179 That was the old Lipwig, remember? I'm a changed man now. 1752 02:26:15,180 --> 02:26:17,339 Mr Lipwig, sir. Mr... oh. 1753 02:26:17,340 --> 02:26:18,619 Mr Lipwig, sir. 1754 02:26:18,620 --> 02:26:20,619 Mr Groat. 1755 02:26:21,340 --> 02:26:23,779 I imagine Gilt's demanding the hat. 1756 02:26:23,780 --> 02:26:26,579 You're not gonna let them have it, are you? 1757 02:26:29,820 --> 02:26:32,219 What's that I hear? 1758 02:26:32,220 --> 02:26:36,859 Nothing. Moist Von Lipwig has nothing to say. 1759 02:26:38,220 --> 02:26:41,019 Have we lost everything? 1760 02:26:44,220 --> 02:26:45,619 Relax, Mr Groat. 1761 02:26:45,620 --> 02:26:47,139 I'm not done yet. 1762 02:26:47,140 --> 02:26:49,139 All I have to do... 1763 02:26:50,660 --> 02:26:52,659 ...is attempt the impossible. 1764 02:27:05,020 --> 02:27:09,219 As you can see, the sun has set 1765 02:27:09,220 --> 02:27:14,419 and the clacks system is working perfectly. 1766 02:27:14,420 --> 02:27:19,179 All that remains is for the Postmaster to admit defeat. 1767 02:27:19,180 --> 02:27:21,259 But where is he? 1768 02:27:21,260 --> 02:27:23,259 Another empty promise. 1769 02:27:24,420 --> 02:27:26,619 Now, don't get me wrong. 1770 02:27:26,620 --> 02:27:30,899 I have a fondness for the quaint old Post Office. 1771 02:27:30,900 --> 02:27:33,779 It's part of our history. 1772 02:27:33,780 --> 02:27:37,499 But, really, that is where it belongs. 1773 02:27:37,500 --> 02:27:39,819 Did someone ask for me? 1774 02:27:39,820 --> 02:27:41,819 Ah, Postmaster. 1775 02:27:41,820 --> 02:27:43,179 Just in time. 1776 02:27:43,180 --> 02:27:46,099 The fire was getting low. 1777 02:27:46,100 --> 02:27:47,099 Well... 1778 02:27:48,700 --> 02:27:53,419 ...if you're too scared to rise to the challenge. 1779 02:27:53,420 --> 02:27:54,619 Have it. 1780 02:27:54,620 --> 02:27:56,419 Challenge? 1781 02:27:56,420 --> 02:27:59,899 An overnight race from here to Uberwald. 1782 02:27:59,900 --> 02:28:03,219 The clacks versus the post. 1783 02:28:03,220 --> 02:28:04,939 That's over a thousand miles away. 1784 02:28:04,940 --> 02:28:09,699 1,700 miles, to be precise, Miss Cripslock. 1785 02:28:09,700 --> 02:28:12,219 Mr Gilt, do you accept the challenge? 1786 02:28:12,220 --> 02:28:14,219 Accept? 1787 02:28:15,220 --> 02:28:18,659 How could the clacks possibly lose? 1788 02:28:23,260 --> 02:28:26,379 Well, you've made quite a splash. 1789 02:28:26,380 --> 02:28:30,899 As the fish said to the man with the lead weight tied to his feet. 1790 02:28:33,420 --> 02:28:35,219 Perhaps I'm missing something. 1791 02:28:35,220 --> 02:28:37,539 No, my lord, it's a straight race. 1792 02:28:37,540 --> 02:28:40,899 But you can't possibly win. I agree, it won't be easy. 1793 02:28:40,900 --> 02:28:45,019 And I must insist that the race is run fairly 1794 02:28:45,020 --> 02:28:47,419 with strict rules. 1795 02:28:47,420 --> 02:28:50,899 I have no intention of cheating. 1796 02:28:50,900 --> 02:28:52,619 And I ask for no favours. 1797 02:28:52,620 --> 02:28:55,299 All I ask is that when I win, 1798 02:28:55,300 --> 02:28:58,619 Reacher Gilt hands over the entire clacks network. 1799 02:29:00,220 --> 02:29:02,219 Very well. 1800 02:29:03,020 --> 02:29:05,939 But I have a condition of my own. 1801 02:29:05,940 --> 02:29:09,059 If you lose, Mr Lipwig, you hang. 1802 02:29:11,180 --> 02:29:13,179 Really? 1803 02:29:14,620 --> 02:29:16,819 It seems a little harsh. 1804 02:29:16,820 --> 02:29:18,219 But fair. 1805 02:29:18,220 --> 02:29:21,419 If you lose, you will have outlived your usefulness. 1806 02:29:21,420 --> 02:29:25,779 Having second thoughts, Postmaster? 1807 02:29:38,420 --> 02:29:40,419 Let's race. 1808 02:29:59,180 --> 02:30:01,059 Very good, sir. 1809 02:30:01,060 --> 02:30:03,419 The worried look. Very convincing. 1810 02:30:03,420 --> 02:30:05,219 Throws them off the scent. 1811 02:30:05,220 --> 02:30:06,419 Yes. 1812 02:30:08,900 --> 02:30:11,339 But how do you know I'm not really worried? 1813 02:30:11,340 --> 02:30:14,379 Because you're the man who got money out of the gods, sir. 1814 02:30:14,380 --> 02:30:16,379 Ah. Yeah. 1815 02:30:18,220 --> 02:30:20,899 Supposing I did that with a trick? 1816 02:30:20,900 --> 02:30:22,899 Damn good trick, sir, damn good. 1817 02:30:22,900 --> 02:30:28,379 A man who can trick money out of the gods is capable of anything, sir. 1818 02:30:30,300 --> 02:30:33,019 Mr Groat. Hmm? 1819 02:30:33,020 --> 02:30:35,219 What if I told you that, er... 1820 02:30:35,220 --> 02:30:39,019 There's no way a coach can get to Uberwald 1821 02:30:39,020 --> 02:30:41,819 faster than the clacks machines? 1822 02:30:41,820 --> 02:30:43,619 Of course you have to say that, sir. 1823 02:30:43,620 --> 02:30:46,819 Because the walls have ears, eh? 1824 02:30:46,820 --> 02:30:48,819 Mum's the word. 1825 02:31:00,140 --> 02:31:02,139 Everything? 1826 02:31:03,820 --> 02:31:05,819 Everything. 1827 02:31:06,220 --> 02:31:09,419 But there's 15 years of work here. 1828 02:31:09,420 --> 02:31:11,819 He's grown out of pins. 1829 02:31:11,820 --> 02:31:15,059 Sir, pins are for life. 1830 02:31:15,060 --> 02:31:16,619 They stick with you. 1831 02:31:16,620 --> 02:31:19,579 He's starting a new life. Isn't that right, Stanley? 1832 02:31:19,580 --> 02:31:23,579 So. How much? 1833 02:31:31,820 --> 02:31:36,299 Dave, what do you think about stamps? 1834 02:31:48,140 --> 02:31:51,899 So... what's the plan? 1835 02:31:51,900 --> 02:31:53,899 How can you possibly win? 1836 02:31:55,620 --> 02:31:56,819 Hmm? 1837 02:31:58,340 --> 02:32:00,339 Friction. 1838 02:32:01,900 --> 02:32:06,019 The coach will be so shiny it'll glide through the air. 1839 02:32:07,020 --> 02:32:09,739 Meanwhile back in the real world(!) 1840 02:32:09,740 --> 02:32:12,419 The Post Office is a hopeless underdog. 1841 02:32:12,420 --> 02:32:19,019 Ah, but the underdog can always find somewhere soft to bite. 1842 02:32:19,020 --> 02:32:23,219 This is no time for witty banter. We're not on a date. 1843 02:32:23,220 --> 02:32:24,819 Do you have a plan? 1844 02:32:24,820 --> 02:32:26,579 Do you trust me? No. 1845 02:32:26,580 --> 02:32:29,699 Do you have a plan? Of course. 1846 02:32:30,740 --> 02:32:33,139 We got 50-1 . 50-1, sir. 1847 02:32:33,140 --> 02:32:35,179 You haven't done anything silly, I hope. 1848 02:32:35,180 --> 02:32:38,659 No, no, no. I took all me savings, Stanley here sold his pin collection 1849 02:32:38,660 --> 02:32:43,139 and we put the whole lot on you to win the race. 1850 02:32:43,140 --> 02:32:45,819 The whole lot? 1851 02:32:45,820 --> 02:32:47,539 Erm... 1852 02:32:47,540 --> 02:32:50,419 Perhaps that wasn't so wise. 1853 02:32:50,420 --> 02:32:52,099 50-1. 1854 02:32:52,100 --> 02:32:54,819 But we don't want to appear greedy. 1855 02:32:54,820 --> 02:32:55,899 Do we? 1856 02:32:55,900 --> 02:32:58,419 I mean, we want to keep the moral high ground. 1857 02:32:58,420 --> 02:33:00,619 Bugger the moral high ground. We'll be rich. 1858 02:33:00,620 --> 02:33:03,859 It's all thanks to your inspired plan, sir. 1859 02:33:03,860 --> 02:33:04,939 Mr Groat. What? 1860 02:33:04,940 --> 02:33:08,499 Let's go and see if the golems want to cash in. Good idea, lad. 1861 02:33:11,220 --> 02:33:13,779 Oh, my God. 1862 02:33:13,780 --> 02:33:16,259 There is no inspired plan. 1863 02:33:17,340 --> 02:33:19,379 There. 1864 02:33:19,380 --> 02:33:21,379 Right between your eyes. 1865 02:33:22,420 --> 02:33:25,579 The next time I see you, that's where I'm aiming. 1866 02:33:51,820 --> 02:33:54,619 Messages can be blocked. 1867 02:34:02,540 --> 02:34:05,419 I trust you have discovered Lipwig's plan. 1868 02:34:06,980 --> 02:34:09,619 I'm afraid not, sir. 1869 02:34:11,540 --> 02:34:15,059 Only a fool would challenge the clacks with a horse and cart. 1870 02:34:15,060 --> 02:34:18,339 He must have a trick up his sleeve. 1871 02:34:18,340 --> 02:34:19,779 Now... 1872 02:34:20,420 --> 02:34:21,739 ...what is it? 1873 02:34:21,740 --> 02:34:24,659 All I can promise you, sir, is the clacks won't let you down. 1874 02:34:24,660 --> 02:34:28,379 We're clearing all messages off the system, running double bandwidth, 1875 02:34:28,380 --> 02:34:30,099 I'm putting all my best operators - 1876 02:34:30,100 --> 02:34:32,659 You just remember, if I'm made to look a fool, 1877 02:34:32,660 --> 02:34:35,059 your pretty little niece will rue the day 1878 02:34:35,060 --> 02:34:37,979 her Uncle Pony got her a job at the clacks! 1879 02:34:41,700 --> 02:34:43,699 Archchancellor Ridcully, my lord. 1880 02:34:43,700 --> 02:34:47,019 This had better be important, I'm in the middle of an experiment. 1881 02:34:47,020 --> 02:34:49,299 Involving a knife and fork, no doubt. 1882 02:34:49,300 --> 02:34:50,619 I wouldn't expect a layman 1883 02:34:50,620 --> 02:34:53,059 to understand the pressures of university life. 1884 02:34:53,060 --> 02:34:54,619 Incredible though it may seem, 1885 02:34:54,620 --> 02:34:57,659 we have found a practical use for one of your magical devices. 1886 02:34:57,660 --> 02:35:01,059 Have you? The object in question is... 1887 02:35:01,060 --> 02:35:03,459 An Omniscope, my lord. 1888 02:35:03,460 --> 02:35:06,579 Enabling us to see things at a distance, I believe. 1889 02:35:06,580 --> 02:35:10,859 The Omniscope is a highly complex, very unstable piece of equipment. 1890 02:35:10,860 --> 02:35:12,899 You mean, it doesn't work? 1891 02:35:12,900 --> 02:35:15,099 Well... 1892 02:35:15,100 --> 02:35:16,939 Relatively speaking, it works. 1893 02:35:16,940 --> 02:35:20,339 Excellent, kindly have it up and running by dawn tomorrow. 1894 02:35:20,340 --> 02:35:22,619 Now, listen, magic is not some workmen's tool 1895 02:35:22,620 --> 02:35:24,299 that you can hire out by the hour. 1896 02:35:24,300 --> 02:35:28,139 Just as well, because I wasn't intending to pay you. 1897 02:35:38,500 --> 02:35:40,659 Can I help? 1898 02:35:42,500 --> 02:35:44,579 Mr Pony. 1899 02:35:45,660 --> 02:35:47,459 Miss Adora. 1900 02:35:49,060 --> 02:35:50,619 How have you been? 1901 02:35:52,980 --> 02:35:56,459 It's nice to see you after all these years. 1902 02:35:57,420 --> 02:36:00,619 I'm sorry I never came to your father's funeral. 1903 02:36:00,620 --> 02:36:02,459 It didn't seem right. 1904 02:36:02,460 --> 02:36:04,579 What happened wasn't your fault. 1905 02:36:06,260 --> 02:36:09,019 You must hate me for staying on at the clacks. 1906 02:36:09,020 --> 02:36:12,179 You're just doing your job, Mr Pony. 1907 02:36:14,180 --> 02:36:18,979 The truth is, clacks is run on blood now. 1908 02:36:18,980 --> 02:36:21,179 There's not a day goes by when I wouldn't like 1909 02:36:21,180 --> 02:36:24,419 to throw my resignation in Reacher Gilt's face. 1910 02:36:26,100 --> 02:36:27,539 I'm 58. 1911 02:36:28,540 --> 02:36:32,419 Twinges in my knuckles, a sick wife and a bad back. 1912 02:36:37,260 --> 02:36:41,059 You have to think twice, don't you, before such gestures? 1913 02:36:43,060 --> 02:36:46,659 My father always said you were a good man. 1914 02:36:46,660 --> 02:36:49,459 And a great engineer. 1915 02:36:50,860 --> 02:36:52,859 I'm sure he was right. 1916 02:36:54,500 --> 02:36:56,899 No. 1917 02:36:56,900 --> 02:36:59,699 Your father was a great engineer. 1918 02:37:16,140 --> 02:37:19,539 Gilt tried to burn these. 1919 02:37:19,540 --> 02:37:22,259 I'm sure you'll know what to do with them. 1920 02:37:24,780 --> 02:37:26,939 I'm sorry. 1921 02:37:40,700 --> 02:37:43,619 Stand by to repel borders. 1922 02:38:07,140 --> 02:38:10,499 Adora? 1923 02:38:11,420 --> 02:38:14,139 If this is about what I said earlier... 1924 02:38:16,140 --> 02:38:17,979 They killed him. 1925 02:38:21,860 --> 02:38:26,979 They killed John and they put his name in a debit column. 1926 02:38:34,420 --> 02:38:37,059 These people, they... 1927 02:38:37,060 --> 02:38:40,819 ...they get away with murder and everyone just looks the other way. 1928 02:38:42,340 --> 02:38:44,419 No, not everyone. 1929 02:38:45,820 --> 02:38:48,819 Just because you were right, doesn't mean you have to gloat. 1930 02:38:48,820 --> 02:38:52,419 Forget gloating. 1931 02:38:53,900 --> 02:38:56,379 Now I really do have a plan. 1932 02:38:58,180 --> 02:39:00,099 Go away! 1933 02:39:00,100 --> 02:39:03,419 All you do is talk of plans. 1934 02:39:03,420 --> 02:39:07,539 Crazy, non-existent plans. 1935 02:39:07,540 --> 02:39:09,099 What sort of man are you? 1936 02:39:09,100 --> 02:39:11,699 Adora, just listen to me. 1937 02:39:11,700 --> 02:39:12,899 Give me the crossbow. 1938 02:39:12,900 --> 02:39:15,819 Those ledgers are the key to everything! 1939 02:39:15,820 --> 02:39:18,819 Just hear me out. 1940 02:39:18,820 --> 02:39:23,219 If you don't like the plan, be my guest. Shoot. 1941 02:39:32,420 --> 02:39:34,579 This had better be good. 1942 02:39:37,260 --> 02:39:39,059 Now then, boys, you take the message 1943 02:39:39,060 --> 02:39:41,099 and ride hell-for-leather to Uberwald. 1944 02:39:41,100 --> 02:39:43,779 But how are we going to get to Uberwald overnight, sir? 1945 02:39:43,780 --> 02:39:44,859 You're not, Mr Groat. 1946 02:39:44,860 --> 02:39:47,179 Does that mean you're going to hang, Mr Lipwig? 1947 02:39:47,180 --> 02:39:49,499 Not if I can help it. I have a plan, Stan. 1948 02:39:49,500 --> 02:39:51,179 I need you to take a little detour. 1949 02:39:51,180 --> 02:39:54,219 There is a derelict clacks tower and I need you to deliver 1950 02:39:54,220 --> 02:39:55,939 some canvas and ropes and rigging. 1951 02:39:55,940 --> 02:39:58,979 Rigging? Is this about boats, sir. Only I can't do boats. 1952 02:39:58,980 --> 02:40:00,099 I get very seasick. 1953 02:40:00,100 --> 02:40:02,339 Not boats, Mr Groat. Sails. 1954 02:40:02,340 --> 02:40:04,859 We are going to block out their message with a sail. 1955 02:40:04,860 --> 02:40:06,459 Block it out? Won't they notice? 1956 02:40:06,460 --> 02:40:08,499 Not if we put our own message in its place. 1957 02:40:08,500 --> 02:40:10,579 Sorry, sir, could you run that by me again? 1958 02:40:10,580 --> 02:40:13,939 Yeah. I got a bit lost at... sail. 1959 02:40:20,660 --> 02:40:22,099 Hello! 1960 02:40:26,540 --> 02:40:30,099 Hello, Ankh-Morpork! 1961 02:40:30,100 --> 02:40:33,179 Welcome to the great race! 1962 02:40:33,180 --> 02:40:35,499 Lovely to see you all! 1963 02:40:38,700 --> 02:40:40,139 Hello! 1964 02:40:42,860 --> 02:40:44,299 Hello. 1965 02:40:51,340 --> 02:40:53,299 Nice entrance. 1966 02:40:53,300 --> 02:40:57,659 It will make up for your ignominious exit. 1967 02:40:57,660 --> 02:40:59,579 Hello, sir. 1968 02:41:11,540 --> 02:41:13,819 Citizens of Ankh-Morpork. 1969 02:41:13,820 --> 02:41:17,659 As per Lord Vetinari's directive number P1500 - 1970 02:41:17,660 --> 02:41:20,859 We know why we are here. 1971 02:41:20,860 --> 02:41:22,499 To witness a great race! 1972 02:41:22,500 --> 02:41:25,499 The Postmaster has challenged the clacks. 1973 02:41:27,740 --> 02:41:32,659 Two identical messages must be delivered to Uberwald. 1974 02:41:32,660 --> 02:41:36,139 The wizard's Omniscope will show us the finish line. 1975 02:41:40,060 --> 02:41:44,739 Get it ready by sunrise, Ridcully, which is when I expect to win. 1976 02:41:44,740 --> 02:41:47,379 And to show the spirit of fair play, 1977 02:41:47,380 --> 02:41:51,859 we have graciously allowed the Post Office to choose the message. 1978 02:41:51,860 --> 02:41:56,379 I thought long and hard about an appropriate message. 1979 02:41:58,700 --> 02:42:00,859 And then, I remembered 1980 02:42:00,860 --> 02:42:05,299 how nice it is to receive a parcel. 1981 02:42:05,300 --> 02:42:08,899 So, why not a book? 1982 02:42:12,500 --> 02:42:19,299 The authorised, illustrated biography of Lord Vetinari. 1983 02:42:21,540 --> 02:42:25,299 You think yourself so clever, it'll buy you a few hours at best. 1984 02:42:25,300 --> 02:42:27,259 Our message will still be there by dawn, 1985 02:42:27,260 --> 02:42:29,659 while your lumbering coach will get bogged down 1986 02:42:29,660 --> 02:42:31,019 in some godforsaken marsh. 1987 02:42:31,020 --> 02:42:32,859 Maybe. 1988 02:42:32,860 --> 02:42:35,179 Maybe not. 1989 02:42:41,260 --> 02:42:43,539 Ready when you are, my lord. 1990 02:43:05,420 --> 02:43:07,339 Get clacksing! 1991 02:43:09,940 --> 02:43:12,819 Come on, move it! 1992 02:43:13,220 --> 02:43:15,299 If we win this race... 1993 02:43:15,300 --> 02:43:17,659 ...you can have a half-day holiday! 1994 02:43:17,660 --> 02:43:19,179 Come on! 1995 02:43:19,180 --> 02:43:21,619 Get on with it. 1996 02:43:44,060 --> 02:43:45,139 You took a while. 1997 02:43:45,140 --> 02:43:48,819 I had to stop a couple of times, all that bumping and jolting, 1998 02:43:48,820 --> 02:43:51,659 my bladder's not what it used to be. 1999 02:43:51,660 --> 02:43:54,579 If we don't get this sail rigged before they start sending, 2000 02:43:54,580 --> 02:43:56,579 we're done for. Yeah, alright. 2001 02:44:00,540 --> 02:44:01,539 OK! 2002 02:44:03,540 --> 02:44:04,979 Ready? 2003 02:44:07,860 --> 02:44:10,899 Hoist it up, lads. 2004 02:44:10,900 --> 02:44:12,419 Quick as you can. Alright! 2005 02:44:12,420 --> 02:44:14,299 Come on, let's get a wriggle on here! 2006 02:44:22,380 --> 02:44:24,019 Where are ya? 2007 02:44:24,020 --> 02:44:26,779 Here, look, stick your boot in there, will you? 2008 02:44:42,540 --> 02:44:44,339 Still here, Mr Groat? 2009 02:44:44,340 --> 02:44:46,259 I'm not built for parcel post, sir. 2010 02:44:46,260 --> 02:44:49,419 Now, you know what to do? Ride like the clappers, sir. 2011 02:44:49,420 --> 02:44:52,539 Good man, stop for nothing. The mail must get through! 2012 02:44:52,540 --> 02:44:54,659 No gloom of night. 2013 02:44:54,660 --> 02:44:56,179 Hey, Mr Lipwig. 2014 02:44:56,180 --> 02:44:58,939 Exactly, Stanley, no gloom of night. 2015 02:44:58,940 --> 02:45:03,619 C-C-Can I say, sir, even if we lose and the Post Office collapses, 2016 02:45:03,620 --> 02:45:07,899 and all this was in vain - And you get hanged. 2017 02:45:07,900 --> 02:45:09,819 Yes, sir, even dead, 2018 02:45:09,820 --> 02:45:15,179 you are still the best Postmaster we have ever had. 2019 02:45:18,260 --> 02:45:21,019 That's very touching, Mr Groat. 2020 02:45:21,020 --> 02:45:24,099 But I'm not dead yet. 2021 02:45:25,900 --> 02:45:28,259 Good luck, boys. 2022 02:45:46,940 --> 02:45:49,219 Why aren't we sending?! 2023 02:45:49,220 --> 02:45:52,659 I want to see those lights flashing! 2024 02:45:52,660 --> 02:45:54,739 Where's Mr Pony? 2025 02:45:54,740 --> 02:45:57,139 Get me Pony! 2026 02:46:04,380 --> 02:46:07,179 That's what I love about the Dearhearts. 2027 02:46:07,180 --> 02:46:08,939 Perfect alignment. 2028 02:46:08,940 --> 02:46:12,499 Any message coming out of there comes straight through us. 2029 02:46:13,460 --> 02:46:16,779 Time to create some interference. 2030 02:46:16,780 --> 02:46:19,219 OK, 14! Number 14! 2031 02:46:19,220 --> 02:46:20,259 14's good. 2032 02:46:20,260 --> 02:46:21,699 Number 15? 2033 02:46:21,700 --> 02:46:25,899 OK, there is a snag on 15! It's stuck! it's stuck! 2034 02:46:25,900 --> 02:46:27,499 Where's the hammer? 2035 02:46:27,500 --> 02:46:29,579 I put it back in the toolbox. 2036 02:46:29,580 --> 02:46:32,379 It's not here! It's in there! 2037 02:46:32,380 --> 02:46:35,539 In the spanner drawer! Yeah, it's still the toolbox! 2038 02:46:35,540 --> 02:46:38,299 And who would look for a hammer in the spanner drawer? 2039 02:46:38,300 --> 02:46:39,299 Boys! 2040 02:46:39,300 --> 02:46:40,739 We haven't got time for this! 2041 02:46:40,740 --> 02:46:43,299 A place for everything and everything in its place! 2042 02:46:43,300 --> 02:46:47,139 If you say that one more time, I'll find another place for the hammer! 2043 02:46:48,140 --> 02:46:50,539 Oh, for God's sake, look! They're sending! 2044 02:46:50,540 --> 02:46:52,419 Let's go, come on! 2045 02:47:00,460 --> 02:47:02,779 Grand Trunk are sending the message. 2046 02:47:14,220 --> 02:47:16,139 Hurry up! 2047 02:47:18,140 --> 02:47:20,579 Pull it up! 2048 02:47:25,340 --> 02:47:27,699 Come on boys, pull! It's stuck! 2049 02:47:27,700 --> 02:47:31,339 Pull it! Keep pulling! 2050 02:47:31,340 --> 02:47:32,779 It's stuck on something! 2051 02:47:32,780 --> 02:47:35,259 If you want something done properly... 2052 02:47:36,420 --> 02:47:38,419 Oh no, up we go! 2053 02:47:40,020 --> 02:47:42,819 Strange. The signal's stopped. 2054 02:47:42,820 --> 02:47:45,179 No, it can't have, this is top priority. 2055 02:47:45,180 --> 02:47:48,699 Send! Send! 2056 02:47:48,700 --> 02:47:51,179 For God's sake, start sending! 2057 02:48:12,540 --> 02:48:15,659 It's OK. They're sending again. 2058 02:48:25,380 --> 02:48:28,419 Yes! Yes! They've taken the bait! 2059 02:48:28,420 --> 02:48:30,099 They're passing it on! 2060 02:48:33,020 --> 02:48:33,520 Adora! 2061 02:48:39,700 --> 02:48:41,379 I'm coming for you! 2062 02:48:55,020 --> 02:48:57,699 What kept you? 2063 02:49:05,060 --> 02:49:06,979 Adora... 2064 02:49:07,660 --> 02:49:09,459 I don't suppose... 2065 02:49:09,460 --> 02:49:12,899 ...now would be a good time to ask you something? 2066 02:49:12,900 --> 02:49:15,459 Well, I can hardly walk away. 2067 02:49:18,900 --> 02:49:21,419 Will you marry me? 2068 02:49:26,100 --> 02:49:28,699 You are forgetting... 2069 02:49:28,700 --> 02:49:30,979 ...we still have a race to win. 2070 02:49:34,660 --> 02:49:37,459 That's not exactly a rejection. 2071 02:49:37,460 --> 02:49:40,099 Not exactly. 2072 02:49:42,180 --> 02:49:44,179 Hang on! 2073 02:50:04,420 --> 02:50:06,619 Down you get, Mr Lipwig. 2074 02:50:06,620 --> 02:50:09,299 You're under arrest. What for now? 2075 02:50:09,300 --> 02:50:11,539 Same as last time. Doing a runner. 2076 02:50:11,540 --> 02:50:13,619 But-but I've come back. 2077 02:50:13,620 --> 02:50:16,019 Let's keep it that way. 2078 02:50:16,020 --> 02:50:18,019 Lord Vetinari's orders. 2079 02:50:21,700 --> 02:50:23,699 Listen. 2080 02:50:51,500 --> 02:50:54,939 Nice to have you with us again, sir. Same last words as before? 2081 02:50:54,940 --> 02:50:59,179 I'm rather hoping there'll be a different outcome this time. 2082 02:50:59,180 --> 02:51:01,979 Keep your hands off. Let's see some magic, please. 2083 02:51:01,980 --> 02:51:03,819 It'll come in a moment. 2084 02:51:03,820 --> 02:51:05,819 Please don't touch it. 2085 02:51:07,020 --> 02:51:08,819 There we are. 2086 02:51:08,820 --> 02:51:12,019 We need to read the ticker-tape, Archchancellor. 2087 02:51:12,020 --> 02:51:14,219 Nobody said anything about a close-up. 2088 02:51:14,220 --> 02:51:16,419 Can't you just move it in? 2089 02:51:16,420 --> 02:51:20,419 Just move it in? This is a highly sophisticated magical apparatus. 2090 02:51:28,700 --> 02:51:30,699 There we are. 2091 02:51:32,500 --> 02:51:34,979 I think we have a winner, my lord. Mm-hmm. 2092 02:51:37,500 --> 02:51:42,419 Uberwald receiving station, message as follows. 2093 02:51:42,420 --> 02:51:46,859 "Havelock Vetinari was born into a wealthy and influential family." 2094 02:51:46,860 --> 02:51:48,699 There we have it, my lord. 2095 02:51:48,700 --> 02:51:53,019 The message has arrived, delivered on time by clacks technology. 2096 02:51:53,020 --> 02:51:55,219 The clacks has won. 2097 02:51:55,220 --> 02:51:57,419 Never mind, sir. It could be worse. 2098 02:51:57,420 --> 02:51:58,619 How, exactly? 2099 02:51:58,620 --> 02:52:01,019 Well, we've got a good crowd, lots of press. 2100 02:52:01,020 --> 02:52:03,819 They'd even promised me a review in "What Gallows?". 2101 02:52:03,820 --> 02:52:07,419 Pull the lever, Mr Trooper. No, wait. 2102 02:52:07,420 --> 02:52:09,259 The message hasn't finished yet. 2103 02:52:09,260 --> 02:52:11,219 They're playing for time! 2104 02:52:11,220 --> 02:52:15,019 My Lord, it's clear the race is over. I demand my prize. 2105 02:52:15,020 --> 02:52:17,019 My last words! 2106 02:52:17,020 --> 02:52:19,939 I haven't had my last words. 2107 02:52:19,940 --> 02:52:21,699 If he must. 2108 02:52:27,220 --> 02:52:31,019 Strange as it may seem, 2109 02:52:31,020 --> 02:52:35,219 as I stand here on the verge of oblivion 2110 02:52:35,220 --> 02:52:38,219 I have a great sense of relief. 2111 02:52:38,220 --> 02:52:42,419 I no longer fear the worst because, frankly, the worst has happened. 2112 02:52:43,500 --> 02:52:49,499 And although I may not have always been a model citizen, 2113 02:52:49,500 --> 02:52:53,299 finally I've been made to see the error of my ways. 2114 02:52:53,300 --> 02:52:56,699 Not by the heavy hand of the law, 2115 02:52:56,700 --> 02:52:58,699 but by the gentle touch of... 2116 02:53:00,820 --> 02:53:02,539 ...well. 2117 02:53:03,900 --> 02:53:06,019 By the gentlest touch of all. 2118 02:53:09,780 --> 02:53:11,619 Very nice, sir. Stand by. 2119 02:53:11,620 --> 02:53:12,619 No, there's more. 2120 02:53:12,620 --> 02:53:14,339 Where's it gone? 2121 02:53:14,340 --> 02:53:16,459 It's not coming back. Give it a moment. 2122 02:53:16,460 --> 02:53:17,579 Don't breathe on it. 2123 02:53:17,580 --> 02:53:21,179 The man who has never known love has never really lived. 2124 02:53:21,180 --> 02:53:22,419 Get on with it. 2125 02:53:22,420 --> 02:53:25,819 But worst is the man who avoids love. 2126 02:53:25,820 --> 02:53:27,619 Too true. Well said, sir. Now... 2127 02:53:27,620 --> 02:53:32,419 Because the man who runs from love and all its trials and tribulations, 2128 02:53:32,420 --> 02:53:38,019 that man is just conning himself, swindling himself out of true... 2129 02:53:38,020 --> 02:53:40,019 Ah. There we are. 2130 02:53:41,900 --> 02:53:44,219 ...happiness. 2131 02:53:44,220 --> 02:53:45,819 Sorry to interrupt, my lord. 2132 02:53:45,820 --> 02:53:47,459 I wish someone would. 2133 02:53:47,460 --> 02:53:51,579 I'm not quite sure what this means but I think you ought to hear it. 2134 02:53:51,580 --> 02:53:54,339 Message continues. 2135 02:53:54,340 --> 02:53:57,619 "We are the voice of the dead." 2136 02:53:57,620 --> 02:54:02,219 "The ghosts of those who met a bloody end." 2137 02:54:02,220 --> 02:54:05,019 That's enough. The race is finished. 2138 02:54:05,020 --> 02:54:08,019 "Postmaster Mutable pushed from the fifth floor." 2139 02:54:08,020 --> 02:54:10,219 "Postmaster Sideburn, his neck broken." 2140 02:54:10,220 --> 02:54:11,219 Pack it all away! 2141 02:54:11,220 --> 02:54:12,499 Touch nothing. 2142 02:54:12,500 --> 02:54:16,139 "John Dearheart, flung to his death from a tower." 2143 02:54:16,140 --> 02:54:21,819 "And Crispin Horsefry, clubbed to death by Reacher Gilt." 2144 02:54:21,820 --> 02:54:23,019 Turn it off! 2145 02:54:23,020 --> 02:54:24,939 "Here follow the facts and figures 2146 02:54:24,940 --> 02:54:27,339 proving fraud, embezzlement and murder." 2147 02:54:27,340 --> 02:54:31,339 "The full record of the clandestine dealings of Reacher Gilt." 2148 02:54:31,340 --> 02:54:33,419 My Lord, they're lying. Lying. 2149 02:54:33,420 --> 02:54:35,819 Who are they, exactly? 2150 02:54:35,820 --> 02:54:38,459 They're only reading what has been delivered by you. 2151 02:54:38,460 --> 02:54:40,899 The message has originated from your own company 2152 02:54:40,900 --> 02:54:42,779 which makes it a confession. 2153 02:54:42,780 --> 02:54:46,179 I confess nothing! 2154 02:54:56,820 --> 02:54:58,819 Lipwig! 2155 02:55:08,500 --> 02:55:12,859 Your safety is my concern, Mr Lipwig. 2156 02:55:12,860 --> 02:55:16,339 Your safety is my concern. 2157 02:55:19,820 --> 02:55:21,819 Arrest Reacher Gilt. 2158 02:55:24,620 --> 02:55:26,899 He appears to have vanished, my lord. 2159 02:55:28,220 --> 02:55:30,219 Find him. 2160 02:55:35,500 --> 02:55:38,019 An ingenious plan, Mr Lipwig. 2161 02:55:38,020 --> 02:55:40,659 And most effective. 2162 02:55:40,660 --> 02:55:44,819 Which is why I have agreed to your request to hand over ownership 2163 02:55:44,820 --> 02:55:48,819 of the clacks back to the Dearheart family. 2164 02:55:51,820 --> 02:55:53,819 Just sign here. 2165 02:55:54,980 --> 02:55:56,979 And here. 2166 02:55:58,460 --> 02:56:00,459 No need to thank me. 2167 02:56:03,740 --> 02:56:08,619 However, as the two of you now run all communications 2168 02:56:08,620 --> 02:56:11,019 in and out of this city, 2169 02:56:11,020 --> 02:56:15,499 should I find that my long-range game of thud is interrupted 2170 02:56:15,500 --> 02:56:18,499 I shall come looking for one of you to blame. 2171 02:56:18,500 --> 02:56:21,619 I wonder which one it will be. 2172 02:56:34,260 --> 02:56:36,819 By the way, you look great. 2173 02:56:36,820 --> 02:56:38,419 Colour really suits you. 2174 02:56:38,420 --> 02:56:40,219 Thank you. 2175 02:56:40,220 --> 02:56:42,219 Is that as sore as it looks? 2176 02:56:42,220 --> 02:56:45,219 Oh, it's not the first time I've been hanged. 2177 02:56:45,220 --> 02:56:47,499 A bad habit to get into. 2178 02:56:47,500 --> 02:56:51,019 I'll tell you what, I'll give up hanging if you give up smoking. 2179 02:56:51,020 --> 02:56:52,699 Too late. 2180 02:56:52,700 --> 02:56:54,499 I already quit. 2181 02:56:54,500 --> 02:56:55,499 You did that for me? 2182 02:56:55,500 --> 02:56:57,779 Why on earth would you think that? 2183 02:56:58,820 --> 02:57:01,019 Adora... 2184 02:57:01,020 --> 02:57:06,259 ...those things I said on the gallows when I was staring death in the face 2185 02:57:06,260 --> 02:57:09,259 about the gentlest touch of all. 2186 02:57:11,500 --> 02:57:14,019 You do know I meant every word? 2187 02:57:14,020 --> 02:57:15,019 Yes. 2188 02:57:15,940 --> 02:57:19,139 It's amazing the rubbish some people spout 2189 02:57:19,140 --> 02:57:22,699 when they're trying to save their lives. 2190 02:57:22,700 --> 02:57:25,499 Or trying to get a kiss. 2191 02:57:33,220 --> 02:57:35,819 Of course, we can't do this. 2192 02:57:35,820 --> 02:57:38,699 What now? Conflict of interest. 2193 02:57:38,700 --> 02:57:41,419 You're the Post Office, I'm the clacks. 2194 02:57:41,420 --> 02:57:42,619 We're rivals. 2195 02:57:42,620 --> 02:57:46,459 Which throws up some very interesting possibilities of a corporate merger, 2196 02:57:46,460 --> 02:57:48,459 don't you think? Maybe. 2197 02:57:53,820 --> 02:57:57,819 Well, I'd certainly like to get my hands on your assets. 2198 02:57:57,820 --> 02:58:01,299 Keep your hands as far away from my assets as humanly possibly. 2199 02:58:11,500 --> 02:58:14,019 Ah, Mr Gilt. 2200 02:58:14,020 --> 02:58:15,699 I see you are awake. 2201 02:58:15,700 --> 02:58:18,219 I don't know what you're talking about. 2202 02:58:18,220 --> 02:58:21,419 My name is Merryforth Truman and... 2203 02:58:22,220 --> 02:58:24,219 ...I've got papers to prove it. 2204 02:58:24,220 --> 02:58:26,419 Some wonderful papers they are too, Mr Gilt. 2205 02:58:26,420 --> 02:58:27,419 But enough of that. 2206 02:58:27,420 --> 02:58:31,219 I've brought you here because I want to talk to you about angels. 2207 02:58:33,380 --> 02:58:35,379 Come. 2208 02:58:37,940 --> 02:58:41,859 Excuse me, my lord. I've got a letter here for Merryforth Truman. 2209 02:58:50,420 --> 02:58:51,619 Strewth. 2210 02:58:51,620 --> 02:58:55,299 He was here, but sadly he didn't believe in angels. 2211 02:58:55,300 --> 02:58:56,299 Oh. 2212 02:59:00,500 --> 02:59:03,499 Well, that's a bit of an embuggerance. 2213 03:01:13,780 --> 03:01:17,219 We did it, Mr Groat. Home sweet home. 2214 03:01:17,220 --> 03:01:20,939 Stanley, it's not only the race we won. 2215 03:01:20,940 --> 03:01:22,219 The bet, remember. 2216 03:01:22,220 --> 03:01:24,499 50-1 . Blimey, we're rich. 2217 03:01:24,500 --> 03:01:26,219 Let's have the betting slip, then. 2218 03:01:26,220 --> 03:01:28,819 I gave it to you, Mr Groat. Hey? 2219 03:01:28,820 --> 03:01:31,499 Oh, yes. I've got it here somewhere. 2220 03:01:31,500 --> 03:01:34,499 You can't have lost it, Mr Groat. 50-1. 2221 03:01:34,500 --> 03:01:37,219 50-1. No, of course. 2222 03:01:37,220 --> 03:01:40,219 I remember now. I've put it somewhere safe. 2223 03:01:40,220 --> 03:01:41,699 I, erm... 2224 03:01:43,300 --> 03:01:45,219 . .l hid it under the mattress. 2225 03:01:45,220 --> 03:01:46,619 Which mattress? 2226 03:01:46,620 --> 03:01:48,019 The one in that tavern. 2227 03:01:48,020 --> 03:01:49,219 Which tavern, Mr Groat? 2228 03:01:49,220 --> 03:01:51,819 You remember, that... 2229 03:01:51,820 --> 03:01:53,819 ...that nice one in Uberwald. Oh! 2230 03:01:58,020 --> 03:02:00,419 Uberwald... Mr Groat, Mr Groat! 2231 03:02:00,420 --> 03:02:02,419 Get in the carriage, Mr Groat!