## [Man humming]
## [organ]
## [humming continues]
## [drum machine]
## [stops]
## [drum machine resumes]
## [hums]
## [drum machine, upbeat]
[snaps fingers]
[sighs]
[Man] # I ain't screwin' around #
# When I screw around with you #
# I ain't screwin' around #
# I'll do whatever I can do #
# I won't let it drop #
# Just because it makes me squirm #
# I'm never gonna stop #
# Just because you wriggle like a worm #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# I am an idiot It's true #
# I am an idiot for you #
# I don't mess around #
# When I mess around with you #
# I don't mess around #
# I do whatever I must do #
# 'Cause I can't take the chance #
# It's always later than it seems #
# I'll kick you in the pants#
# And crack you back into the dream #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# I am an idiot It's true #
# I am an idiot for you #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# I am an idiot It's true #
# I am an idiot for you #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# Are you my idiot, too? #
# I'm a fool for you I'm a fool for you #
# I'm a fool for you #
# I'm a fool for you I'm a fool for you #
# I'm a fool for you #
[beeping]
Dude, you gotta hear this.
Meat sticks.
Huh?
You want anything?
What are you having? Pops?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, whip me up a bowl.
Ooh, uh, sprinkle some, uh, Cap'n Crunch on top.
[laughs] Man, what's up?
Dude, pulled another all-nighter.
My blood sugar's all... [whistles]
Miss Lucille, don't you look lovely today.
Is that for me?
Hey, hey, come on. Wait for the milk. Come on.
[chattering]
[bell ringing]
[Man] Neal.
Hey, man. Uh, dude,
I-I can't find any spoons.
Right here, Willie.
Oh, fantastic.
- Oh, dude, that's nasty. - Hey.
Neal.
Bruce.
I have Jets and Wackies. Interested?
It's a... definite no on the Jets.
A definite yes on the Wackies.
These have banana-flavored bits.
They're the only people that do that.
9.04.
Okay, nine even.
But you still owe me $26. 12 on the Donkey Kong Flakes
- and the Honeycomb Doorbell, remember? - Yeah.
- Did you hear about the Cheerio on eBay? - No.
Some kind of Cheerio in their box approximately the size of a doughnut.
Hard to tell at low-res whether it's smooth like an actual Cheerio,
or whether it's several smaller ones melted together.
Probably a two-chip camera.
Anyway,
I got a bid in, so...
fingers crossed.
Yeah, you keep me posted on that.
Originally, it was Cheery Oats, but they changed it.
General Mills, 1945.
So you've told me. So what are you having?
[door opens]
Hey, Mr. Tom.
- Is that a new one? - Australian bush hat.
I just got it.
Had to have my shoe guy add the chinstrap.
That's a righteous lid.
I do get lots of comments on it.
Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Thank you.
All right. Made up your mind?
I think I will have the one that sports
the longest-lasting characters
to ever represent a Kellogg's product.
Impressive.
I didn't think you'd know.
It scares me that I do.
[Woman] Do you have anything with the Mardi Gras beads on them?
You know, with the purple and the gold?
Um, yeah. There's a nice assortment
of lovely, meaningless crap across the street.
I suggest the shellacked baby alligator heads.
Why do the tourists even come here?
Don't they know that Florida was created specifically for them?
I should just go back to making some straight tie-dye.
At least I sold a few of those.
But they're just so horribly decorative.
[door opens]
- How are ya? - Good.
[clears throat] Great. So, uh,
this is like a, uh... like a cereal bar, or...
- Yeah. - Cool. Cool idea.
Cool, cool, cool.
Um, what's the most popular?
Uh, in here, it's anything cocoa.
We get a lot of stoners in here.
I think, nationally, it's Corn Flakes.
[Bruce] Correct. Corn Flakes.
The first and still the favorite.
[Willie] Corn Flakes wasn't first, man.
- First mass-produced. - Oh.
Okay. All right. Mass-produced. Uh-huh.
You know that's what I meant.
So, uh, what was the first? Like, Wheaties or something?
[snickers] Like no.
Wheaties is 1924.
The first cereal was Kellogg brothers.
Took a bunch of wheat and mashed it up.
Made, like, a giant flake
which you could break up into little smaller flakes.
Cereal was health food then.
The whole thing was started by these radical
religious, health-freak nuts up in Battle Creek.
Disciples of this, uh, Christian Science chick.
Mary Baker Eddy.
Yeah. Isn't that a trip, man?
Cereal as religion?
It's like we're in church right now.
C.W. Post wasn't a health nut or insightful.
He was a failed inventor and a snake oil salesman.
He was a dick. [chuckles]
He built a factory right across the street from the Kellogg brothers.
They would riot in the streets, man, over cereal.
Actually the riots to which you refer happened over a softball game.
All right. This place is great.
It's completely cross-demographic.
- Everybody loves cereal, right? - Yeah.
Eight essential vitamins and all part of a balanced breakfast.
Stuart Zeringue.
Neal Downs.
Neal. Pleasure.
What can I get you?
Um... [clicking tongue]
I don't know. What is that?
- Yeah. - That is Quake.
Used to be Quisp's rival in the commercials.
- Quisp's. Yeah, yeah. - It's discontinued.
- They don't make this anymore. - So, how do you still get it?
Huh. [chuckles]
Um, so are you... are you the owner here?
No. The manager.
The owner's the guy in his jammies over there.
[Stuart] Oh. Hello. [chuckling]
Uh... [clears throat, chuckles]
Do you, uh...
Do you know if he's ever thought about franchising?
[chuckling]
What? What? What?
No. Look, the franchise model is very simple
and very low risk to the franchisee, you know what I mean?
You guys have already done the hardest part.
But now you just have to get, you know, like, 50 other people
to do what you guys have already figured out how to do,
then you implement some economies of scale,
and then you just make, like, a bunch of money.
Yeah. That sounds great, man.
We could, um, put them in
shopping malls and gas stations,
and call small ones "grande,"
and come up with precious Latin names for the cereal.
We could be titans of industry!
That's why nobody likes us, man,
'cause everything in America has to be franchised
and standardized and "cerealized"
till it becomes totally fuckin' homogenized.
We're capitalists, and that's how we capitalize.
I mean, look, you are practicing capitalism right now...
right this... second.
Keep the change. Do you see how...
Look, all I'm trying to say is,
someone is gonna capitalize on this great idea.
Why shouldn't that someone be you?
[Woman] Because it would strangle him.
You can create or you can accumulate,
but you can't nurture your soul
and babysit a big pile of money at the same time.
You could open a thousand stores and make a billion dollars,
and you know what you'd be at the end of the day?
A businessman.
Right. I mean, what's wrong with that?
[Willie] Look, l-l-l...
I am totally spaced.
What is... the fourth... charm?
Hearts, moons, stars...
and...
Clover... Clovers. [clears throat]
Clover! Yeah!
Green clover!
Thank you.
They put these new ones in.
Completely messed me up. [laughs]
Yeah, it gets a little hazy.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I guess you can just keep doing this...
what you're doing now...
until you become... that.
- [cereal clattering] - Wait.
[mutters]
[cash register dings]
This is...
- Excuse me. - Enjoy.
I need you to be done here.
- Willie! - What?
I'm done here.
Yeah. Okay.
- What do you wanna do? - Hold hands.
All right!
[Woman] # Run along #
# Run a long way to find the one #
# Find the one who could turn you on #
# Underneath cloudless sun #
# Can't you see #
# If I could be anything I want to be #
# I would be you, see Can't you see #
# If I could be anything #
## [sings indistinct]
- ## [ends] - [crowd cheering]
Thanks for your applause. Thank you.
Feels like it took forever to finally get our CD.
Finally finished it.
So if you want one,
go talk to Jay at the back door.
Thanks. Good night.
Neal! Neal!
What is up your heinie?
Those guys started making that CD way after I did.
[sighs]
You know, I just... I can't...
I can't just rush it and churn out some lame-ass shit, you know?
I mean, if my stuff ain't great,
if it ain't fuckin' incendiary, you know,
then I'm just another chump
with a PowerBook and a microphone
making a CD, you know?
It's so VH1, it makes my ass clench.
Well, maybe being incendiary takes more than spare minutes.
What you need to do
is take a week off Cerealville and finish.
I can't just take a week off. It's my job.
You know, the means by which I live?
Why don't you live off some of that cash you've been hoarding?
No, that's for pressing and printing and jewel boxes.
If I don't have that money, I don't have a release.
I can't.
I quit my job today.
- You what? - I didn't tell you?
No! You gave up your stall.
Oh, okay. Great.
So, what, are you gonna go back to
living on Decatur Street
with the fuckin' gutter punks?
No. I have an idea. Hire me at Flakes.
What?
That way, you can get your week and finish your CD,
and I can get some extra cash until I figure out my next move.
It's a great idea.
No, it's not a great idea. It's a fucked idea.
You can't work at Flakes. No way.
Hey. It would be a total conflict of interest.
- Why? - How would I boss you around?
How do we say you aren't getting special treatment 'cause you fuck the boss?
[sighs] Well, if that's the problem, then ha-ha.
That's not the point, okay? The point is...
The point is that the road to hell starts,
okay, with one little tiny step,
'cause you got a fuckin' cash flow problem.
I won't let you do it. I won't make you a whore.
[chuckles] A whore?
Jesus, Neal. Come on.
Well, actually, that might be a good idea.
Maybe I should do a little whoring. It'd be fun.
- Gotta let me watch. - I'll make you watch.
- You know I'm right. - Oh, that's it. You're right.
When you're 70, and you've finally finished your CD,
you can come and visit me in my cardboard box.
- I'm gonna finish my CD, okay? - [laughs]
And you are not gonna sleep in a cardboard box...
'cause you haven't heard my great idea.
Move in with me.
Move in with you? Are you crazy?
You don't move in together out of pity, Neal!
It's not out of pity. I'm trying to make you happy.
And that's gonna make me happy? Moving in with you?
- Well, it'll make me happy. - Well, fine, then.
Okay, wait a minute.
When you say, "Fine, then," does that mean
"Fine, then, end of discussion,"
or "Fine, then, I'll move in with you, you idiot"?
What do you think?
Oh, look in the suitcase.
I made us a living-in-sin present.
Oh, wow!
You painted these? These are amazing.
Mm-hmm.
[chuckling]
There.
All shacked up like naughty Catholics.
Mmm.
Almost.
What's that for?
- This. - [giggles]
Why, Mr. Downs, that would leave me in my altogethers.
That's the idea, Miss Katz.
Airstream.
- But it has to be a shiny one. - Mm-hmm.
- Not dull gray, shiny. - Yeah.
And we'll pull it with... with one of those
enormous, old Eldorado convertibles.
- Yeah. - And we'll wear those helmets
with the walkie-talkies in them.
- Steer horns on the Caddy. - A must.
- Yeah. - And we'll park in Good Sam campgrounds
and Wal-Mart parking lots,
and we'll keep the old people awake
with the rock music,
which we'll have boatloads of,
because we'll use our AARP discounts
to buy as many records as we want.
Nothing but CDs and subwoofers in the trunk of the Caddy.
Mm-hmm.
And no one will suspect
that the two old farts in the antique Airstream
are the famous Mr. Neal Downs,
rock and roll cult leader,
- [imitates crowd cheering] - and the hypnotic
Miss Pussy Katz, art legend.
Incestuous twins of different mothers.
What could be new about eating?
I don't know. Maybe it's a new diet thing.
Put it in your ass and digest it backwards.
[groans] It'd be hard to eat an apple.
- A shish kebab? - Oh, God!
Soup would take a long time.
Yeah, soup would take a long time.
- Sushi'd be fun. - Yeah.
What are you doing, man?
Handles.
Got a gig with the High-steppers tonight.
- Must have grippage. - High-steppers?
Man, how do you play that brass band shit?
- I play it all, Homer. - [Bruce] Gentlemen,
behold.
I bring tidings... of great joy.
Bloody hell.
A box of cereal? In here?
No, no, no, no. This is not cereal.
This is Saturday mornings watching DangerMouse,
eating Cool Whip out of a tub.
What was that... What was that jingle?
# We are the Freakies We are the Freakies #
# This is a Freaky tree #
# We never miss a meal 'cause we love our cereal #
- Right on! - I want it. How much?
- Thirty. - Deal.
Thirty bucks for old cereal?
Come on.
There's people who would pay 30 grand for what's in this box.
Yeah, some very stupid people.
For childhood in a box?
Whose childhood? Were you even born when they made those things?
Put them on your account?
I wasn't around for the Velvet Underground, either,
but I sure as shit know who they are.
Well, let's pop them open, Goober.
Nope. Emergency stash.
Hey.
Remember me?
Called me Strawberry.
Yeah. Hi.
You, uh... You lent me this.
Oh, yeah. Uh, what'd you think?
Oh, my God. It totally shook me.
Yeah, it's some sick, amazing shit, right?
- [cracking] - [cries out]
[Strawberry] Oh, he's a fucking genius.
I, like, made MP3s for everyone I know.
Whoa. You made MP3s?
You robbed Gil Scott-Heron?
I-I-I just thought...
I know what you just thought. Here's what I just think.
Go out there and buy 20 copies of his records
so his kids get their fucking money.
Don't you think a black artist in the '70s
didn't get ripped off enough by his label?
Yeah. Yeah, 'cause as musicians,
we gotta be thinking about that kind of shit,
'cause one day in the future...
or some of us, the very distant future...
we're gonna be, like, living off of royalties and shit.
Um, actually, for Neal,
it's gonna be in the very near future,
'cause he's gonna finish his CD in a week.
One week from today. It's gonna be incendiary.
No, shit? A week? Well, how come...
Who's playing drums on it, dude?
- Dude, why didn't you... - All right, all right, all right.
You'll keep this low until I get a chance to tell Willie,
but I think I'm gonna take a week off and...
Hey, something's happening across the street that's blowing my mind.
That's not a new concept.
Aw, hell, no, that's not a new concept.
It's a stolen concept.
Who the fuck would...
- No way. - [Pussy] What?
No way.
That's the banana Republican.
It's the guy that was asking me all the questions.
He was pumping me for information the whole time.
Probably already had a lease on the building.
Well, isn't Flakes, like, patent pending or something?
Willie should sue the shit out of that guy.
Nah.
That asshole ain't gonna make us soil ourselves with lawyers.
Come on.
Oh, come on. We have to.
[doorbell chimes]
Welcome to New Original Flakes. Can I help you guys?
Yeah, you can, actually, uh, Stuart.
My friends and I are in the mood for some cereal.
Perhaps something vintage. Um...
You have any Fruit Brute?
Um...
It's one of the discontinued monster cereals.
Um, I've got Boo Berry.
Do you now? So does Winn-Dixie.
[snickers]
I've also got a box of... Yummy Mummy.
No, thanks.
Yummy Mummy is the lesser of the monster cereals.
No, I think I'm more in the mood
for a bowl of, uh, Alpen.
- That's, uh, muesli from Can... - Canada.
Swiss style.
Large, medium or small?
Grande.
I'll tell you what. [forced chuckle]
Since we're neighbors, first bowl's on the house.
Aw.
Does that include the extra milk? [snickering]
[doorbell chimes]
[chuckling]
He's a chump!
Skim milk, dude. Blue milk and a plastic spoon?
Looks nice, though, man. Like all clean and shit.
Ah, you got nothing to worry about, man. He's a pinhead.
He's gonna be eating our dust.
No, man, he'll take the tourists.
They don't tip anyway. Can't touch Flakes.
Not our people. No fucking way.
They did have that Yummy Mummy stuff.
[scoffing] It's C.W. Post, man.
- It's Battle Creek all over again! - Don't freak out, Willie.
Don't freak. Look, listen to me.
This guy is gonna be belly-up in a few days.
Post is what divided the Kellogg brothers, man!
Little Kellogg took over,
sold out,
totally screwed big Kellogg!
They never reconciled!
- Utopia? Hah! Gone! - Hey, we're not the Kellogg brothers.
- Riots! - We're not the Kellogg brothers, okay?
Look, this guy's a loser. Come on. What does he got?
Some, uh, Windex and a bunch of hard chairs that match.
Woo-fuckin'-hoo. He's a joke.
Come on. Who...
Who's the Captain of Crunch?
Huh? Come on.
Who's the Champion of Breakfasts?
I wanna... I wanna hear you say it.
[stammering] Moi.
Willie B. Come on. Come on.
I'll whip you up an all-frosted blend.
[Pussy] Why not? It's Just a week.
Because Ye Old Phony
Original Flakes Rip-off Shop
has got Willie very freaked out.
I'm not just gonna abandon the guy.
I think that'd be a little bit selfish.
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish.
I'm gonna do it, okay?
It's just not the right week.
So make it the right week.
Hire me.
Look, it's not a conflict of interest
if you're not there.
You don't even have to pay me.
I'll just babysit the hippy man
while you do your work...
you know, your real work.
I'm sure I can figure out how to fix cereal.
Is it that you can't hear me?
No, I hear you.
You're scared.
Scared it'll suck.
Scared it'll be great.
Look, I know scared.
I'm scared all the time.
And right now, I'm scared
you're a cereal guy doing a little music
instead of a musician working in a cereal bar.
A cereal guy?
Thanks for that, baby. [clears throat]
Thanks for the love and support.
[sighs]
It is love.
Nice one, Tom. Sherlock Holmes.
It's a deer slayer. I had to order it.
- You ever slay any deer? - Nope.
You got the proper headgear for it.
Miss Lucille, how the fuck are you?
Don't you be trash-mouthing me, little man.
- I'll fuck you up. - How about trying something new today?
Some Apple Jacks or Honeycombs... the one-inch?
Just give me my cereal, you little cracker.
Don't make me go across the street on your ass.
Don't do that. I'd break off our engagement.
They're giving cereal away over there,
but I ain't like that.
Now fix me my cereal, you little motherfucker.
Miss Lucille's special concoction...
Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Krispies,
chocolate chips and chocolate milk.
Mmm!
One Soul Power Special.
Now, before I started eating this, I was white as your ass.
Hey, why is that phony Flakes guy
hanging up flags?
Looks like a used car place.
Oh, dang, he is desperate.
He's gonna have the Cheese Rock 104 van any minute
giving out free hot dogs and Cokes.
Yeah, man. Hot dogs and shit.
I told you he'd tank. I told you.
Yeah, we kicked his dick in the dirt!
Yeah! We beat somebody at something!
We're gonna be here forever!
- We're like cockroaches! - Whoo!
- Flakes forever, man! - Flakes forever!
[chanting] Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes!
Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes!
Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes!
- Whoo! - Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes!
Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes!
- [shouting] - Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes!
- Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! - Neal!
- Flakes! Flakes! - Neal!
Flakes. Flakes. Flakes. Flakes.
Look, this is nonsense. Take care of yourself.
Willie's happy,
so hire me and go do your week, okay?
Whatever it was that was sufficient to get us to this place
is insufficient to get us to the next place.
I got that from a fortune cookie, and it's true.
You have to leave this place to get to the next place.
So hire me and do your week.
- Can we talk about this another time? - No, Neal. Come on.
This is ridiculous.
Okay.
- You gotta promise me one thing. - Yeah.
No matter what happens in our professional life,
- Mm-hmm. - it will not affect our private life.
- Okay. - Okay, that means if I boss you around,
make you work late, fire you, anything,
- it's not going to affect our private life. - Yeah.
Yeah. That's easy. Yeah. Okay. I promise.
Okay. Then you're hired.
Now you're fired.
You promised.
[doorbell chimes]
As soon as business picks up, I'll be sure to give you a call.
No, I can help you pick up your business right now.
See, I think I can help you put Flakes out of business,
and then you can make all the money you want.
You wanna put Flakes out of business?
I have to. Mercy killing.
- You in? - [doorbell chimes]
Did your boyfriend dump you?
Is that really relevant in a job interview?
[chuckles] Right.
[clears throat] Sorry.
Look, I'm not a bad guy, you know?
I just saw an opportunity here
that wasn't being taken advantage of.
Those guys are never gonna do anything
with that business.
I never said you were a bad guy.
I said, I think I can help you.
Okay, well... Look, thanks,
but I think I'll be okay.
It's a pretty simple business model.
People like to eat cereal,
and they like to be in a place that's clean,
and where the staff doesn't yell at you.
I just have to be patient while they find me.
Did you know that Willie's mom left him that building?
So he pays no rent.
You... and I'm just guessing here...
have a... an investor
who pays through the hoo-hoo
for this very pricy locale.
You might as well just call them and tell them
that you have no idea what you're doing
and that this is never gonna work out.
- Oh, no? - No,
because people don't go to Flakes to eat cereal.
They can do that at home.
They go there to be a part of something cool,
and they're never gonna find that here,
no matter how patient you are.
What do you think?
Oh. [chuckles]
Uh, I think we better use your real name.
This is my real name.
Then I think we better make something up.
[chuckling] Hey, hey, hey.
- Initiation time. - Great.
What's she doing?
Making me watch.
[Man] # I took my time #
# And made a list #
# Of all #
# The things #
# I hate #
# You are one #
- Hey! - Hey.
- You been in your studio? - Uh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, if you have anything
that you'd like to play me, I would love to hear it.
When it's ready.
Listen, about that "firing you" thing...
Oh, it's fine. I got another job.
Is that a problem? 'Cause it's just a job.
Just like you working at Flakes.
Shit, you're eating them?
- Sing the song again. - [Neal] Mm-mm.
Come on, man. At least fix me up a bowl, then.
- Mm-mm. - Neal.
Neal, come here. She's doing something.
With plants.
- It's temporary. - Huh?
Don't sound temporary to me, Magoo.
Come on, man. Dose me up with some Freakies.
Here.
Eat this.
Grape cereal? Oh, come on, man!
Eat the grape shit if you want! I need the Freakies!
Oh, man.
Neal, come here, man.
What?
Battle Creek, man. Riots.
I think we need to back them up... City regulations for...
Aw, shit.
A smoking patio. They're going for our stoners.
See, now they can smoke while they eat their cereal.
Cool. It's cool. I like it. I'll give you that. I just...
I'm a little uncomfortable about encouraging this kind of behavior, you know?
Do you wanna be cool or comfortable?
[Man] # Well, the man and his assistant #
# Who's barely half his age #
# There they got a little system #
# Where he locks her in a cage #
# Pulls the drape around her #
# He taps her with his wand #
# People sit and wonder at that disappearing blonde #
# Whoo-yeah #
# She grabs her money quick #
# Well, now they're leavin' through the back door #
# But here comes the trick #
# Well, here comes the trick #
# All right #
## [vocalizing]
Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
So come on in. All right.
Well, I changed my name,
actually, on my 18th birthday.
It actually only takes about two hours
to change your name.
And I've been Miss Pussy Katz ever since.
Here you go.
Miss Lucille, how are you?
What you fools up to?
Not too much. Something you might enjoy. Why don't you take a seat?
Oh, don't touch me, baby, unless you gonna take it all the way.
- One of these days, I just might. - Oh!
- Willie. - Huh?
Come here. Front and center.
Come on. Take a seat. Seat of honor.
Please, do me a favor.
Trust Neal. It's gonna be good.
My dad always called me Kitty...
Kitty Katz... so I said,
"You wanna call me some pet feline name,
then call me Miss Pussy."
You said that? To your dad you said "pussy"?
Yeah. Thanks.
Strawberry, how you doin'?
Take a seat. Join the party.
- [doorbell chimes] - Can I help you?
"New Original Flakes cares about New Orleans. [forced chuckle]
"Present this coupon for a free bowl of cereal.
"Limit 10 per customer.
A $1,000 raffle will follow."
- What the hell? - That's my sketch.
- You drew this? - Yeah. Where'd you get my drawing?
I didn't make this! Are you crazy?
[gasps] That idiot!
Look at all that business they got!
No, it's not business. It's fuckin' charity.
- Give me my cereal! - Give us cereal! Come on!
I'm-I'm so sorry, sir.
I have no idea where these came from.
These have no value here.
I can read. You understand?
[crowd clamoring]
Excuse me. l...
Help me.
Give us some food, man!
[muttering]
Okay. Just a minute.
[barking]
[chanting] Where's our cereal?
- Give them the cereal. - I didn't make that coupon!
Your goddamn boyfriend ought to be giving his shit away!
Why should I be donating my product?
Because you're rich, and they're hungry!
Look, I know you've probably never been hungry before,
but just... just feed them, okay?
Trust me.
[chanting continues] Where's our cereal? Where's our cereal?
Ten bowls! Ten bowls!
Yeah!
- [siren blares] - Where's our cereal?
Where's our cereal?
Whoa, Willie. Wait up, man. Come on. They're not here for you.
They're not here for you. No. Come on.
We're not the ones who shut down Frenchman Street. They are.
Where's our cereal? Where's our cereal?
- Are you the owner here? - Yes, I'm the owner.
I need to borrow this. Please, please. I'll take care of it.
Where's our cereal?
- Where's our cereal? - Ex-Excuse me.
- [feedback] - Excuse me.
[over bullhorn] Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, everyone. - [Man] Where's our cereal?
There's, uh... There's...
There's been, uh,
a little misunderstanding here.
- Here it is, here it is. - Bad idea.
- Go back inside. - [Stuart] Hear me out.
No. We didn't... We...
We didn't expect this kind of a turnout today, so, uh...
- [Stuart stammering] - They're gonna fuckin' stone him!
- [crowd murmuring] - Um...
Just say something.
All we can do today is two bowls.
[crowd cheering]
That's the best that we can do.
So, please, please be patient,
and we will just keep pouring cereal
until we run out!
[crowd cheering]
Then we'll do the $1,000 raffle.
[cheering intensifies]
Fuckin' capitalist.
As you know, homelessness and hunger
are real problems in our city.
And here's one businessman who's turning
a promotional event for his store
into a huge act of generosity.
[muttering]
Response from the public:
nothing short of overwhelming.
[Pussy] Honey, I'm home.
Effectively shutting down the Faubourg Marigny
in the Lower French Quarter.
And how was your day today? Did anything interesting happen?
You broke one of my 10 rules for successful living...
never be on the news.
- As it turns out, all for a worthy cause... - There you are.
bringing food to the needy, sponsored by our city's latest hero.
No. No, I can't quite make up the hand
you have shoved up the ass of that little Stuart puppet of yours.
Deftly done. What's the phrase he keeps using?
"A community of responsibility"? Pure M.P. Katz.
Nope. All him. He's actually very savvy
- about this kind of stuff. - [scoffs]
We'll be back with
the AccuWeather forecast
after this.
So?
So, what?
- So is he bankrupt? - [laughs]
- "Is he bankrupt?" - Yeah.
No, he's not bankrupt!
He's fine, you idiot!
Oh, my, my, my.
That was the stupidest...
way the stupidest stunt
you've ever pulled.
Vintage Neal Downs lunacy.
- Yes, it was pretty fucked up. - [laughs]
Yes, it was.
Brilliant, inspired stupidity.
Oh. Plus, between you two morons,
some very poor people got fed today.
That was beautiful.
God, Neal, if you could ever harness that kind of madness
- in your art instead of that cereal shop... - Oh, God.
For your information, Miss Harpy Nag,
I hired someone to do just that today.
What? You re...
You really... You really hired someone?
Did I stutter?
Who?
That Strawberry chick.
Baby Spice?
Oh, come on. Listen to you, hypocrite,
with your little Stuey to keep you company, huh?
That is not what that is like.
Oh, Miss P, you put trees outside my store.
- Stuart is not... Shut up. - I love you so much!
Okay, look, you're right.
As long as you're doing your week, that's all that matters.
- Yeah. - You are doing your week, right?
- Yes, I'm doing my week. - Good.
- So you can quit now, right? - Right.
- Good. Ow! - Don't take my stuff without asking, you turd!
What is your problem? Get off me.
Get back, too, huh? Ow! Ow!
Too hard. I'm a girl. Get away.
Here you go.
Ta-da!
You can go now if you want. I think I got the hang of it.
- You sure? - Yeah. It's cool.
Okay. Make sure you keep an eye out across the street.
If you see any more than 50 people in there at a time, call the fire marshal.
It's illegal. I left the number by the phone.
Got it.
Neal, have you done inventory?
- What? - Inventory!
Th-That's when you count stuff, man.
And... And no more refills.
You hear that? No more refills.
This doesn't grow on trees, you know.
You... You don't work here.
[chuckles] Yeah, I do.
We can't afford that.
She works for free.
- I don't care. Out! Out! - Okay. Sorry.
Willie, what is that?
It's toilet paper. I got it from the Burger King on the way from the bank.
You were at a bank?
- Twice. - [papers rustling]
I sat at the desk, too, not the counter.
I talked to the manager.
They're gonna seize your assets.
[Stuart] No, no, no, no, no. You can't quit.
We just started. Look at what you've already done here.
- Is that a new shirt? - What?
Look, this sketch... I love this.
You know, I took art history class, and I know good art.
This is really, really good.
Look, okay, I was gonna say this before, I swear.
I want you to bring your work here.
You know, you can make this, like, your gallery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you think?
I think it looks better.
No, I meant about the gallery thing.
I know what you meant.
Those bastards stole my life.
They stole my whole gig, man.
The name, everything.
You know who's over there now?
[sighs] Everyone.
A bunch of high school kids and tourists,
a bunch of punks, normal-looking guys.
A woman that Skinny Larry says is his mom...
She's over there right now.
- [Neal] That is his mom. - Whatever.
She's eating Special K out of a fucking bathtub.
Got to be a whole box in there!
How could you let this happen, Neal?
- Me? - You're the manager!
Because one day, you said, "Hey, Neal, be the manager."
You, Bob...
Tom.
T-Tom.
You're a lawyer, aren't you?
You're a lawyer?
Let's sue him. Can we do that?
Don't even joke about that, Willie. We're stronger than that, man.
Come on, Tom. Say we can sue him. Identity theft, right?
That's possible.
I'll have to look it up in, you know,
the Louisiana Code of Civil Procedures.
Yes, look it up, man. Look it up.
I don't have those books anymore.
Doesn't Loyola have a fucking library?
[groaning]
I'm gonna die.
- I'm gonna die. - Come on, man.
You're not gonna die, Willie. You're gonna be fine.
Maybe I should just close down.
What?
No, that's crazy talk. You can't close down.
Everything's gonna be fine.
All right. I'm gonna handle this.
Nicholas, score Willie a joint.
Mr. Tom, you come with me.
Now, listen, this guy Stuart's just
a little grad school pussy, okay?
So just say a bunch of law shit to him,
sound serious and threatening.
I can't believe I'm touching a lawyer.
All right, Mr. Tom. This is your chance to atone
- for all those years of practice... - Six months.
Six months of practice as an ambulance-chasing weasel.
[doorbell chimes]
Okay, old-timer.
You pull this off, free cereal for life.
Hell, if you pull this off, I'll even buy you a sombrero.
But I don't think I want my artwork used
as a marketing tool for a cereal shop.
See, that's what I don't understand.
To me, it's, like, things are either for sale or they're not for sale.
And I really think we can sell your stuff.
Stuart, this is Willie's attorney,
and he has something that he'd like...
T-Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. Come on.
[clears throat]
He has something he'd like to tell you.
Hi. Stuart Zeringue the 4th.
You're a lawyer? Maybe you know my father, Tre Zeringue?
Riley, Zeringue & Carmouche?
Ooh.
I already have a sombrero.
- A what? - [doorbell chimes]
What the fuck are you still doing here?
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be working on your CD in your studio, Neal.
Her name's Rachel.
Rachel Irene Katz.
And your daddy probably knows her daddy.
[doorbell chimes]
Did you say a gallery?
[Man] # Ten turns against me #
# And you've gone #
# I put your favorite records on #
# And sit around #
# It spins around #
# And you're around again #
## [continues, indistinct]
# Cue every memory at half-speed #
# It's Just like #
- Oh, fuck. - # Try and slow me down #
Come on, Willie! You promised me!
I'm just afraid there might be
a conflict of interest here.
No, it's not a problem.
We keep our private lives separate.
It's just a job.
Okay, but this is not Flakes.
Here, we keep track of hours and inventory
and portion control.
And you have to wear a hat.
It's a health code requirement.
We'll get you a little name tag.
And... rubber gloves
for whenever you handle the product.
You know, there's one more thing, too, Neal.
When you were at Flakes, you were rude
and self-righteous and sarcastic
and full of all that antiestablishment talk.
You know, "fight the power"
and all that?
Do that here.
It sells.
[Neal clears throat]
- Your change. - Thanks.
[sighs]
[doorbell chimes]
Hi, Feral.
What are you doing here?
Same as you. Just needed a job, you know?
Now that Flakes is closed down.
What is this, the new special? You buy three bowls of cereal,
get a free Miss P. art smock?
I can't look at you in that hat.
Oh, will you excuse me for a moment?
[clears throat] Good morning, ma'am.
- Good morning. - Can I help you?
Yes. I would like the Mix-a-Bunch with double maple granola,
skim milk and crumpled boysenberry crumble.
- Excellent choice. - Thank you.
There you are. Enjoy.
Keep the change.
Thank you very much.
- Hello, Mr. Zeringue. - How we doing over here, guys?
I meant to tell you, silica packets
in the bulk containers will help keep things crunchy.
They use them in electronics gear to keep them dry.
Will used to get them in old stereo boxes,
but I'm sure you'll just want to buy some.
Good looking out, Neal. Big help. Thanks.
And based on her energy,
commitment, and leadership skills,
I'd like to announce that Feral is going to be
our first assistant manager.
- [applause continues] - [Stuart chuckling]
So, effective...
Effective immediately,
she will be responsible for staffing,
promotions, inventory.
Basically, as much of my job as I can dump on her.
[laughing loudly]
[laughing continues]
[clears throat]
So, that's basically all, um...
all...
Uh, meeting adjourned.
[Pussy] Neal.
Can you come here for a second?
Jawohll
You're fired.
Nooo! No!
You owe me $86.38, Neal!
- Fuck off, Benedict! - [doorbell chimes]
Neal! Neal, I got in!
Loyola Jazz Studies program, man. I got in!
I fucking got in!
That's great, man. You can do weddings now.
Yeah, weddings and Bar Mitzvahs and shit!
Dude, I'm gonna play everywhere.
I'm gonna play till my fuckin' arms fall off.
I'm gonna go let people know. Later, man!
What?
I made 200 bucks for being employee of the month today.
I would like you to blow it all with me in a very fancy restaurant.
I was thinking, mmm, Antoine's.
[horse whinnies]
[sighs]
- Better? - [chuckles]
It's an old high school trick I learned.
Do that first on the date, and everything else seems easy.
That was nice.
Des huitres en coquille � la Rockefeller.
Magnifique. [chuckles]
Mmm! Those dead snails look divine.
Les Escargots a la Bourguignonne.
[speaks French]
We use the little Barbie forks for these?
Uh, Enrique, one more thing.
[clears throat]
I heard a rumor that fat cats come in here
and use a secret code
to order pitchers of martinis disguised as water.
True?
I really couldn't say.
[no audible dialogue]
How's the firewater, boys?
[chuckles]
Cheers.
Mmm! Man, that's good.
How is yours?
It's great.
I mean, the fish is amazing.
But buried under a pound of crab and shrimp,
it's out of fucking control.
- Hey, Neal. - Mm-hmm?
You know how we talked about the Airstream...
rock and roll cult leader and art legend?
Mm-hmm.
You understand that that's a plan.
That's not a fantasy.
I know... that I screwed some stuff up.
- But... - It's okay.
I can get another job.
What?
I can have another one tomorrow. It's just a job.
Stop saying that!
There's no such thing as just a job.
Anything that takes up your time takes up your life.
What if you never do anything that you think is important?
Oh, what? Like you? You think you're gonna
become an art legend selling fuckin' souvenirs?
Next, you're gonna be gluing googly eyes onto conch shells
with the New Original logo "We crushed the little guy."
You killed Flakes! You're a fuckin' sellout!
I said I screwed some stuff up!
I just thought that if Flakes was gone, that...
You know what? At least I'm trying. Are you trying anything?
How are you supposed to get to the dream, Neal, if you don't try anything?
Have you committed one note, one word?
Hell, yes! Fuck, yes, I have!
- Well, then, play me a song! - Well, then, bring me a guitar!
I'll cancel the desserts for you.
Good night.
Thank you, Enrique.
Oh, man.
Whoo! We got kicked out of Antoine's.
Right on. [chuckling]
Oh.
Oh, so you think I've just been fucking around all this time,
- and I got nothing, huh? - No. l... No.
I think it's really hard to drag something
out of yourself and show it to someone.
Oh.
Oh, God.
I didn't mean to do this now.
l... Maybe I did. I don't know.
But, um, I can't keep waiting.
Well... Well, wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
What the hell happened to all that "I'm so committed" stuff?
[sighs] I don't know.
- [groans] - Oh.
- [groans louder] - Are you... Are you okay?
- What? - Oh, fuck.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - No, it's not that.
I'm not used to all that meat and butter and shit.
That's because you only eat cereal!
It's not food!
It's baby food.
Oh, God, you want me to grow up? Is that what this is all about?
No, no, I don't want that.
I don't ever want that. I just want you to grow.
[groans]
I'm sorry to disappoint you again.
Fuck you, Mr. Downs.
Fuck you for breaking my heart!
[retching]
[coughing]
[door opens]
[Neal] P?
P.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
I got... I got something I want you to hear.
I got 10 songs here I've been working on.
You think I've been working on nothing, huh?
I want you to listen to this.
Wait a minute.
Hey!
Don't go.
Do not go!
Fuck!
## [rock, loud]
Listen.
Listen!
You wanted me to play you a song!
I'm playing you a song!
## [continues]
[pounding on wall]
[pounding continues]
Shut up!
## [stops]
[Man] # I sit around #
# Nothing's the same #
# I'm lookin' for answers #
# But I'm already late #
# You say you need me one more night #
# And then you're packing your bags #
# Saying, "It's all right" #
# I don't know why #
# I wait and I wait #
# I'm looking for somethin' #
# But you're not gonna change #
# Turn around and I see that all fadin' #
# Now you've gone away #
# I turn around and I see that I'm fadin' #
# Now you've gone away #
Willie!
Willie, open up!
This shit really isn't very good.
I'm trying to finish up all the milk
so it won't go to waste.
I need all the paperwork for Flakes.
I'm taking the Maypo.
Let me know if there's anything you want,
before I let Bruce look it over.
Don't let Bruce look anything over. Not yet.
Come on. The paperwork, Willie.
I need, uh,
incorporation papers, occupational license,
taxes for the last two years,
any press clippings you have about the place.
Oh, maybe. In my place.
- Your place? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, let's go.
There's another bag of milk.
Let it go, man.
What are we doing?
We ain't letting Flakes die without a fight.
Where's the papers?
I don't know. Probably somewhere.
In here.
Aw, shit!
No wonder we tanked.
This is sick, man. You gotta find what's important,
and then hit the rest of this shit with some kerosene and a match.
You're gonna smother under all this crap.
All right. Department of Health.
This should be your occupational license,
which needed to get inspected once every six months.
Wow, man.
When did you get to be an expert on paperwork, man?
I'm not. Ashton Hale is.
Let me get this straight.
These places serve breakfast cereal?
Corn Flakes, Total, shit like that?
I'll be damned.
And you're telling me that Tre Zeringue's boy runs the other place?
Oh, man, am I gonna love this.
Okay. Here's our game plan.
We're gonna lob a temporary restraining order at him.
Now, it won't hold. But it'll really piss him off.
And when Junior gets the TRO,
well, he's gonna show it to Daddy.
And when Daddy sees my name on it,
you can bet your left nut he's gonna pick up the phone and give me a jingle,
because he doesn't want this going to court.
I mean, no offense, but to him, this is chickenshit.
This is so beneath him, he's just gonna wanna settle.
Well, I'm gonna tell him, "Hell, no,"
'cause he still owes me for that big 'Bama/LSU game.
And then I'll tell him, "Well, we're gonna think about arbitration."
And, uh... You know what arbitration is?
Oh.
It's kind of like pretend court.
You get everybody in a room.
It's like you have a trial
without all the bullshit of a trial.
But everything is still legally binding, okay?
Yeah, and everyone has to be there,
whether they wanna be there or not.
Oh, yeah. If we call them, they have to be there.
- Yeah, well, - Thank you.
we should talk to our lawyer.
Yeah, the man who recommended you
is also a lawyer, sort of.
Name?
Tom. Tom... something.
- Guidry? - Uh, yeah.
Old Tommy Guidry?
[laughing]
My dad tried his first case against him with the D.A.
Handed him his ass.
That's probably why he recommended us to you.
Oh, yeah. It's kind of like a legend in my family.
The dad my daddy beat the smartest man in Louisiana.
Oh, yeah. Old Tommy. He's smarter than hell.
Yeah. But having a 300 IQ
is kind of like having a 20-inch dick.
You know what I mean? It's real impressive,
but when you get right down to it,
there's not a whole lot of it
you can actually use.
[chuckling]
You're part of the N.O. Flakes team.
- We need these. We need you. - [doorbell chimes]
What do you want? I can get you anything you want. A loan...
[Man clears throat]
Stuart Zeringue.
Yeah.
Sign by your name.
It's a temporary restraining order.
Oh, my God. They hired Ashton Hale.
He's like a $300-an-hour legal assassin.
Do you know anything about this?
Oh, my dad is gonna have an aneurysm.
Do you know where I can find a Miss Pussy Katz?
[Man] Stuey.
Hey, Dad.
Tuck your shirt in, son.
Tre, how are you? Good to see you.
This makes us "even Steven"
on the LSU bet,
you big 'Bama bastard.
"Roll Tide."
Are we seriously doing this
over a goddamn breakfast cereal restaurant?
- You own it. - [chuckles]
- You open, Mr. Hale. - Thank you.
This is a pretty straightforward
trademark and copyright infringement.
Uh, Mr. Willie Bergeron here developed the concept,
the name Flakes, the atmosphere, everything.
And then Tre's boy...
sorry, client...
appropriated it all
and opened a duplicate across the street
in order to capitalize
on an established business concern
and its clientele.
So we'll be seeking a name change
and a cash settlement for revenues lost.
Trademark and copyright papers?
Don't need them. We have ownership from creation.
Well, the statutes are vague,
and we found no relevant precedents.
Vortolon vs. Clemens.
Full-weight brand coffee brought suit
against full major brand and won.
1932.
Mr. Guidry?
I thought you were dead.
So, you, uh, researched this yourself, Mr. Guidry?
Yeah, he's a genius at these kinds of things.
[groans]
All right. Let's settle this.
I got a lunch at Commander's.
Now, if we went to trial, we'd lose the name,
so we'll give you that.
Now it's just money.
It's impossible to assess revenues lost,
so I'm gonna write a number down,
and you either accept it, or we go fightin'.
Twenty thousand bucks?
[chuckling]
I'll take it, man! Shit, yeah!
- Yeah! - Damn it. He'd have taken 10.
[Willie laughs]
Thank you, Mr. Hale!
You're welcome, Mr. Bergeron.
Yeah.
Uh, we're not quite done here, young lady.
Hold on, Ashton. Don't push it.
Your client's happy.
Yeah. [laughs]
Mr. Bergeron's not my client.
Mr. Downs paid my retainer.
What?
You hired him?
This is how you finally part with your precious CD money?
What could you possibly want from this?
Oh, what does he want?
A lifetime supply of Cheerios?
What the hell is this?
And it's gotta be a shiny one, not dull gray.
[Tre] Fine! A shiny one.
Get this and get it over with.
It's not a fantasy. It's a plan.
Oh, Mr. Downs!
[Pussy giggling]
[laughing]
Damn.
[laughing continues]
[muted shouting]
- [shouting continues] - Whoa.
Well, we're gonna take off, Willie.
So you're gonna be okay on your own, right?
It's cool. I figure we'll be staying open a long time
before I use up 20 grand, right?
- Yeah. - [Stuart] You can do better than that.
I just told my dad to fuck off, so...
I now owe him a hundred grand for the initial investment,
plus 20 grand to you, Willie,
and whatever that trailer thing costs,
so... I'd be a pretty motivated partner.
Don't let Flakes die when you run out of that money.
Plus you need a manager, right?
[crowd chattering]
[Woman] I'm starving.
Yeah, I'm getting my MBA at Tulane.
No way. I got my MBA at Tulane.
- Look, Phi Gamma. - ## [rock]
Oh, my God! I'm a Kappa!
## [women vocalizing]
We are what?
What are we, horny consumers?
No!
No, no.
Fuck them. Consumers are parasites.
So what are we, then?
- Rebels? - [crowd cheering]
No, no, no. Rebels are wanderers, man.
No, we are the ones that make originals from copies,
the ones that turn poison into food.
[shouts of affirmation]
We're the ones that take every brand-ass,
mass-marketing commercial product
and turn it into something that rocks.
[crowd cheering]
# We are the Freakies We are the Freakies #
# And this is our Freakies Tree #
# We never miss a meal #
# 'Cause we love our cereal #
Whoo!
# We are the Freakies We are the Freakies #
# And I'll show you what we do #
# You think you're eating us #
# But we're really eating you #
Whoo! Whoo!
# You think you're eating us #
# We're gonna show you what we do #
# You think you're eating us #
# We're gonna show you what we do, ooh #
# You think you're eating us #
# But we're really #
# Eating you #
# They get us sidetracked #
# Playing with great crap #
# Wait for the jobs to shut #
# They like us soft and fat #
# But we don't buy into that #
# We don't buy into that #
# You think you're eating us #
# We're gonna show you what we do #
# You think you're eating us #
# We're gonna show you what we do #
# You think you're eating us #
# But we're really eating you #
# Eating you #
## [continues]
# You think you're eating us #
# We're gonna #
# Show you what we do #
# You think you're eating us #
# We're gonna #
# Show you what we do #
# You think you're eating us #
# But we're really #
# Really eating you #
# Eating you #
## [ends]
[Man] # I ain't screwin' around #
# When I screw around with you #
# I ain't screwin' around #
# I'll do whatever I can do #
# I won't let it drop #
# Just because it makes me squirm #
# I'm never gonna stop #
# Just because you wriggle like a worm #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# I am an idiot It's true #
# I am an idiot for you #
# I don't mess around #
# When I mess around with you #
# I don't mess around #
# I do whatever I must do #
# 'Cause I can't take the chance #
# It's always later than it seems #
# I'll kick you in the pants #
# And crack you #
# Back into the dream #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# I am an idiot It's true #
# I am an idiot for you #
# I am an idiot That's true #
# Are you my idiot, too? #
# I'm a fool for you #
## [ends]
[Man] # I took my time #
# And made a list #
# Of all the things I hate #
# You are one #