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' He makes his Iiving selling dreams '
' He caIIs them fantasies '
' Gimme some more '
' Some more of your IoVe! '
I run...
a successfuI
underground escort service.
I recruit from a rec room
on the third fIoor of my dorm
where l pimp the kids from my boarding schooI.
ln fact, l have two of my boys right here.
And they are just one tabIe away
from one of my tricks.
Now I know you'Ve probabIy got about 20 questions
right on the tip of your tongue.
WeII, if you must know,
then Iet us begin.
Sam!
Over here.
Sam, you have been kicked out
of a couple of Very prominent
boarding schooIs in this country.
- Okay, yes, but about that-- - Stop.
I read your transcripts. You'Ve got a 3.87
three years and running.
You've got some kick-ass writing sampIes to boot.
You aIso cIearIy have a probIem with authority.
And it just makes my mind wonder,
"What exactly am I in for here, Sam?"
Okay, noted.
But here is the thing:
I wasn't exactly kicked out of all my schools per se.
I am somebody that you would consider a victim of, um...
- Circumstances? - Circumstances, yes.
And you know what? Most peopIe don't believe it,
but...
I've journaIed about it, man. You can read it if you want.
Just give me the CIiff Notes. Summarize, Sam.
' Donkey see, donkey do '
' I don't wanna go to school '
' Hey baby bIue, put your feet on the ground '
' Feet on the ground '
' Let your head spin around '
' Talk about the sun, forget about the moon '
' TeII me not to Ieave not a day too soon '
' Donkey see, donkey do, I don't wanna go to schooI '
' Danke, try to make my day, l don't wanna participate '
' Yeah '
' Hey baby bIue, put your feet on the ground '
' Feet on the ground, Iet your head spin around '
' Talk about the sun, forget about the moon '
' TeII me not to Ieave not a day too soon '
' Donkey see, donkey do, I don't wanna go to schooI. '
- Mom. - Sam?
That's tough.
Nah, you know, it's just kinda...
par for the course when your mom's an ex-PIaymate.
WeII put.
I know your mom.
Hmm? ReaIIy?
You know, Sam, she's a nice Iady.
Batshit crazy, but she's a good chick.
So is that you?
That, my friend, was the EIiminator tour.
Eight years of more pussy than any one man couId ever handIe...
which, by the way, is why you shouId wear a rubber.
Or you'II find yourseIf knocking up the wrong groupie
and trading in your dream
of a harmonica soIo with Billy Gibbons
to become the headmaster of a private academy.
But...
I Iove my daughter.
She taught me how to respect women.
Or some shit like that. You ready for the $5 tour?
This is our history department. lan, get off that cell phone.
Oh good. 'Cause I'm a history nut.
I'm a reaIIy big fan of the French RevoIution,
especiaIIy NapoIeon. l love Napoleons.
They're very tasty. Have you ever had one?
So you're a writer and a dick?
I'd be carefuI of your roomie here.
I hear he's a bit of a strange bird,
Iikes to whip out the fifi bag
when the Iights go down.
What is a fifi bag?
Bukowski term.
What is a Bukowski?
A Bukowski?
WeII, it's not a Rusty Trombone
or a Gorilla Mask. A Bukowski is a writer.
A poet?
Come on. "Notes from a Dirty OId Man"?
"Ham on Rye"? "Post Office"?
Hm-mm.
WeII,
it's good you're continuing your education. You came to the right pIace.
You keep your GPA up,
no swearing within earshot,
and stay out of troubIe,
so I can keep you
from getting your ass kicked out this go around.
Capisce?
Yeah, of course.
PIus, how much mayhem could l possibly cause
in a school that's got tea cozies on the waII?
' Eff that, take the radio back '
' l'm coming with that stadium rap '
' I got the stadium packed '
' From the front to the back, make the stadium clap '
' Let's keep it moving, I see you workin' '
' FIy girIs, freaks and the virgins '
' Take the radio back '
' Chris Young coming with that stadium rap '
' HeIIo, C Young with the stadium raps '
' She ain't a Kimora Simmons, but the baby is phat! '
' And l keep my cranium packed '
' With more Uranium than they didn't have in lraq. '
Hey!
Knock it off.
Look, I can expIain.
- You know what? Sir, I can expIain. - Shawn and his friends
- tried to smoke us again. - lt wasn't his fault.
- You caIIed me Snoop, racist. - That's a Iie.
You said degrading stuff about my stature, dipshit--
- l mean, Shawn. - Sir, it's true. He started it.
- Shawn. - What?
Come on. You're not actuaIIy gonna buy this side of the story, are you?
You're teasing and fighting with the new kid aIready?
And you wonder why you're a fifth-year senior.
- Dan-- - Sir!
Sir.
He waIked in, we were hanging out, he punched me in the face.
BIame is the first sign of weakness.
Now apoIogize.
- Fuck that. - Fuck that?!
Headmaster? Language? Demerits?
Does any of that ring a goddamn beII to you?
This is buIIshit.
Tuck in that damn shirt
and be in my office in 10 minutes.
Come here.
WeII, you do haVe a string of bad luck, don't you?
- That's the worst kid I got. - I toId you.
Yeah?
WeII, why don't we try to change that now?
That's a good idea.
Go make some new friends.
Now.
Sam. Sam, thank you so much.
You are our savior. I'm not gonna Iie to you.
That guy's such a douche. He does that aII the time.
We shouId hang out sometime.
By the way, l'm Jimmy. This is Chuck. This is Teddy.
Where are you from? I'm having a hard time, but I'm thinking it's Manhattan.
I'm getting this tri-state area kind of thing. New York?
Yeah, it's New York with that handshake that you're doing.
Okay, caIm down. Look, it's good to meet you guys
and I reaIIy appreciate the camaraderie
in front of the headmaster back there, but I gotta...
- Oh. - Yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. For sure. No worries.
Um, thank you.
And just in case you want to know--
Iike when you reaIize that this pIace is a complete shithole--
we'II be waiting. We'II be here.
- Right here, bro. - CooI.
- If you need a friend... - Sounds good.
Thank you.
' lt's just another story with a hook, Iine, sinker and a snag '
' lt's only good if they make you think it's bad '
' And I make my day with the jagged IittIe Iines of fear '
' TiII I find out I got nothing near '
' Out at the seaside stomp '
' lt's just another story with a hook, Iine, sinker and a snag '
' It's onIy good if they make you think it's bad. '
Okay okay, first of aII, first of aII--
don't hog it 'cause I bought that.
And of course.
Ooh-hoo.
WeII weII weII.
Look who it is.
It's actuaIIy surprising. I thought it wouId take Ionger.
You want to partake in some recreationaI substance abuse?
I got some Scotch-- single malt.
- Go for it, bro. - That's good, actuaIIy.
So stoned.
You guys are aII right.
- No no no no. - Shh.
Oh yeah, be quiet,
'cause Jesus Christ absoIution is just mere steps away.
Oh, but seriousIy.
I beat off to your mom.
What? What?
Don't act Iike you're surprised. You know me.
It's no offense, no offense.
No offense. Just if you're gonna be friends with us,
you shouId know.
- Multiple times. - AII right, come on, dude.
- She's fuckin' gorgeous. - lt's fine. lt's fine.
lt's fine. It's my cross to bear.
Look, to eVen the keeI, if it makes you feeI any better,
my dad's partner was Bernie Madoff.
- Ouch. - And my mom's a freak.
My dad, he's an ex-baIIer.
Says l cramp his any-given-Sunday IifestyIe.
Yeah, and I'm Asian.
He is. You shouId see this guy drift in a Honda Civic.
Dick.
So what's there to do around here?
So this is Main Street, huh?
Yup. Open weekend--
the finaI frontier.
I fuckin' Iove the weekends, bro.
I IoVe the girIs.
Go taIk to them.
What do you mean?
What do you mean what do l mean?
We'Ve been waIking up and down this street.
You've seen the same girIs aII day.
Go up, say hi. Go taIk to them.
Sam, if you haven't noticed, we're not that cool.
Oh, come on, Chuck.
Except for Jimmy. He's got aII the bitches on lock, ain't that right, Hef?
- God damn, man. - Fuck both of you. I'm pIotting, asshoIes.
You know that's how I do-- why wouId you-- such a dick.
You know what? You guys hoId that thought. I'II be right back.
- Where you goin', man? - I'm gonna go taIk to that girI.
I probabIy shouId have wingmanned that one, huh?
Hi.
l'm sorry. Do we know you?
- Um... - This is the eye-fucker from Moore.
Oh my God, you're the eye-fucker?
I guess I am the eye-fucker
and l've been compIeteIy caIIed out.
So congratuIations.
WeII, thank you, thank you.
So now that we've got the pIeasantries out of the way,
do you care to sit down and join us for a Iatte?
- Yeah. - Great.
- I'm Courtney. - Hi.
And this is Angie. And you are...?
Uh, Sam.
- WeII, nice to meet you, Sam. - What up?
Hi.
WeII, what are you doing
on this gIorious sunny day, young Samuel?
l'm just kind of hanging out with my friends.
Oh, you have friends.
WeII, that's noveI.
AII my friends are dead if you were wondering.
WeII, except for her,
but she's not reaIIy a friend so I guess that doesn't count.
- Thanks, bitch. - l love you.
- I IoVe you too. - Make-out session Iater?
- What's so funny? - You. You're funny.
He's charming.
God knows I'm trying.
HoId that thought.
HeIIo.
Yeah.
Okay.
Wow.
Fine. Fine.
Okay, bye.
- We got to jam. - 10-4.
What do you mean? Why you going so soon?
We're just-- just starting to haVe so much fun.
It's my mom-- she's crazy and she spit in a bartender's face now.
- So we got to go pick her up. - Sweet.
Crazy bitch. Sounds Iike my mom. They shouId probabIy carpooI.
That's-- he's funny.
You're cute too.
AII right. I'm thoroughIy bored with this now.
I'm gonna get some motherfuckin' fudge.
- Do you want any? - I'm-- I'm good on the motherfuckin' fudge,
- but thanks, girI. - Bye.
Nice girI.
So, uh, same time, same pIace next weekend?
Yeah.
- Phone, please. - I'm sorry. What?
So I can put my number in it so we can make plans.
Do you haVe Asperger's or something?
l don't know what's wrong with you.
WeII, I just don't think we're at the swapping--
swapping digits phase yet. It's aII moving a IittIe fast for me.
Oh, l see. It's so fast.
WeII then, no number for you. WeII done, prince charming.
- Good job. - Yo, tampon,
we got to go pick up your aIkie mother.
Wait two seconds. Jesus, Angie.
Hi. Sorry. Here here.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
Nice fucking work, dude.
- WiII you be my mentor? - That'll be nice.
- That was amazing. - Okay, Iet's not jump on him aII at once.
Let's have some coffee Iike some ciViIized peopIe.
- You don't even drink coffee. - 'Cause it tastes like shit.
"And so l return to the question at hand.
Do we resign ourseIves to the sad truth
that our existence is pureIy an exercise in human foIIy?
Or do we embrace every moment of that existence
and forget about what it might amount to one day?"
Now we all know what Camus thinks--
It's fucking "Cammuss." Crazy, right?
- It's Camus, you idiot. - lt is?
Do you guys eVer read?
Sam?
- Hey. - Hey.
Uh, uh, sit down.
Uh, yeah. In a second.
l've got to tell you something, though.
I, um...
met a girI.
And one that's not in a straitjacket,
which is a pretty big improvement for me.
- Sam. - And then
I'm actuaIIy pretty sure I compIeteIy aced
my Iiterature presentation
thanks to your recommended reading.
- I'm going out on the streets with this... - Sam.
...'cause l had no idea that French-Moroccan existentiaIism
could be just so damn fascinating.
Sam, I just got off the phone.
Your mother can't pay for your schooI anymore.
We had a good run.
You know, you were, uh--
you were cooI, my friends were cooI.
I got a IittIe Bukowski out of it,
but I guess at the end of the day,
eVen my mom's tits aren't recession-proof.
Yeah.
Come on, man. I Ieft my ID in my room.
l don't feel like going to get it.
- Can you pIease just giVe me a drink? - Nice try, junior.
He's with me.
Yeah, I-- I'm with her.
That's why I don't have my ID, because I Ieft it in our room.
So how about you just pour me that drink?
WhiIe you're at it, you can refiII hers
and when you're done, you can bring it to the tabIe. How about that?
- Thank you. - Thank you.
And aIso, thank you.
You Iooked Iike you needed it.
Oh boy, I did.
I actuaIIy stiII do.
Um, I'm Sam, by the way.
- I'm AIison. - Good to meet you, AIison.
Rough night?
Gotcha.
- Me too. - Yeah.
My husband's mistress
showed up at my house tonight
to compIain to me about how he's cheating on her tonight.
S-s-shit.
l mean, l'm sure that he can expIain.
He's reaIIy good at expIaining.
He's a very good expIainer.
- Like, he couId've expIained-- - Yes, okay. Right, Iook,
- Okay, here we go. - --that I was married--
Why don't we do this? Why don't we do this?
Your husband's a fucking asshoIe.
Okay? I wouId...
I mean, what? He goes out
and he cheats on you?
Twice?
And then he fuckin' tries to explain?
What are you taIking about? Who the heII cheats on you?
I mean, Iook at you. You're beautifuI.
You'Ve got these eyes, they sparkle.
They're Iike diamonds, you know?
God, what?
That was reaIIy bad.
That just...
- won't sound genuine. - Oh good.
No, it's a good thing.
So... so you go to school around here or something?
Yeah, kinda.
- Kinda. - Kinda?
How oId are you, Sam?
18.
Yeah, I shouId probabIy
get out of here and get going.
You probabIy shouId.
I'II buy you another drink.
My husband probably shouIdn't haVe cheated on me.
- Twice. - Twice.
So...
- So... - So...
l'm gonna stay in town tonight.
Just teII RiIey that I Iove him.
Okay?
Okay. Bye.
Is this creepy?
Creepy?
This is freaking amazing.
This is crazy.
I'm not that oId, you know.
I'm not that young.
TechnicaIIy I'm not even a senior anymore
because I can't pay for my tuition.
This is fun, right?
Yeah.
This is fun.
You haVe an amazing ass.
So hey, you wanna have fun again?
AbsoIuteIy.
I couId have fun aII night.
- I bet you can. - l can.
- Good. - Great.
- Less taIking, more doing. - Okay.
AII right, so Iet me get this straight.
This chick was hot,
brought you to her suite, got you drunk,
had sex with you multiple times
and Ieft you with a fucking check in the morning?
Yeah.
That's fucking amazing. Why don't shit like that ever happen to me, Jimmy?
It can. It can.
Yeah. Sam, she's got friends, right?
- Yeah, she's got friends. - And you haVe money probIems.
- Yes, I haVe money probIems. - Okay, so?
- So what? - So hook it up.
Dude, it's not what you think.
l don't even know if I'm gonna caII this girI again.
Okay, this is Iike a once-in-a-Iifetime thing.
Yeah, or Iike a once-in-a-week time thing.
- You fuckin' know it. - You know what I mean?
Guys, stop. Come on.
Look, if you haVen't already guessed it,
- I'm a Virgin, okay? - Yeah, l know.
$500 is good. I get it, okay?
l don't know what you did with it,
but the fact of the matter is
if we could parlay that into two grand a week,
Sam, we couId pay for your tuition in two months or less.
Like that. You couId stay in schooI and we couId aII hang out again.
Plus we'd be bringing joy to unhappiIy-married women eVerywhere.
- Whoa whoa whoa. - Yes!
And Teddy, by the way, great VaIid point.
SeIfIess-- I Iike where your head's at.
- Thank you, sir. - He made a vaIid point.
I'm just saying. The fact of the matter is
there are probabIy tons-- tons
of smoking hot miIfs
waiting for some young guiIt-free kieIbasa.
AII you haVe to do is make the connection, pimp this shit out
and it's done. It's a fuckin' wrap-- bills on you.
You want to lay in bills? You want to take a bath in biIIs?
Okay, couId you pIease stop Iistening in on our fucking conversation?
l'm sorry. It just sounds awesome.
I mean, if you ever need any heIp...
Yeah yeah, sure. We'II giVe you a fuckin' caII.
Just stop Iooking at me.
So...
Hey, do you think we can carve out
a IittIe bit to do a schoIarship for a kid
who's having some financiaI probIems?
- What? - WeII, you said we had a IittIe extra.
WeII, not entireIy extra.
It's for Sam LoweII.
We're a boarding schooI, not a commune.
I think we shouId concentrate on the kids that are aIready here
as opposed to some charity case you might want to bring in.
Bruce, this is not a charity case.
AII right? This is a good kid.
I mean, what do you think we do here as teachers?
We're here to inspire.
WeII, I'm aII for inspiring,
but we're in a recession.
- I know that. - I can't eVen get enough money
for new band instruments.
Coach Jackson wants new turf for his Iacrosse fieId.
I'd Iike a IittIe money for my Women's Lib program.
What do they need to know about women?
You teII the good-Iooking ones they're smart
and you teII the smart ones they're good-Iooking.
Look, I'm trying to have a decent conversation--
This is a conversation. You're not listening.
- Sir? - What is it, Cy, what?!
Sam LoweII is back on campus.
He says he can pay for his tuition.
HeIIo?
- She answer it? - l don't-- hello?
Is that my mom?
AIi, it's Sam.
- Sam? - No, it's for your mom.
- It's Sam. - Hey.
- Hey, who was that? - Uh, it's...
- just a friend. - Your mom's a cougar.
So I'm gIad you caIIed.
Yeah, me too.
Look, anyway, I was just thinking about
how great Iast weekend was.
And I was wondering if maybe you weren't busy this weekend,
- we couId... - Do it again?
- Yeah. - I thought you had to IeaVe schooI.
No, l do. WeII, I did.
Anyway, that's kind of what I wanted to taIk to you about.
I don't know if this sounds weird or anything,
but l was wondering if maybe this weekend
you couId bring some of your friends...
Sit your ass down.
...and I couId bring some of my friends.
And then some of your friends couId give some of my friends,
uh, some Ietters too,
you know, to help for my education fund?
- Oh. - Or not.
I mean, it's totaIIy fine.
It was just an idea. Just a stupid--
It's not a stupid idea.
Ask him if he has any friends.
- They told-- - Are you positiVe he's here?
- I'm dead positiVe. - In here?
Yes-- I mean, 95% positiVe.
- HeIIo? - Sam?
Sam?
- Sam? - What?
Hold on. He asked me.
- AIison? - TeII him yes.
- l don't know. - What do you mean you don't know?
What's your fuckin' probIem?
AIison?
Boys?
- Dan-o. - Sir.
Um, sir,
if I may,
l think that we might haVe found a soIution
to Sam's IittIe economic issue.
A soIution?
Uh, yeah. A job.
A job?
A job that pays $20,000 a semester?
What is it? Ponzi scheme?
- Nah, man. - WeII, sir,
my dad has some work we can do for his company.
And see, it's a tax sheIter kind of thing.
- Tax sheIter. - Tax sheIter.
Yeah, Iike a 501(c), sir.
- Is this a fuckin' joke? - Sir?
Um... we, uh--
Sam has a down payment.
I can see it.
Okay.
Are you boys seIIing drugs?
AII right. l'll bite.
WeIcome back, Sam.
WhateVer you're doing,
keep it cIean.
Yeah.
They're young boys, pick of the litter,
and they're a heII of a Iot cheaper than a pair of Louis Vuittons.
Which pair? Wait, what are you taIking about?
Judy, quit it. We're not doing this.
- WiII you stop? - Doing what?
Why do you two aIways excIude me?
lt's 'cause I'm younger, isn't it?
You just don't think l understand--
- Enough. - Whoa.
- What? - Testy. Shit.
For your information,
AIison here is acting aII bitchy
because I want to set up some paid pIaydates
with a few boys from Moore.
- PIaydates? - Yes.
- You mean for shagging? - Mm-hmm, I think it's so cooI.
l think it sounds awful and compIeteIy iIIegaI.
Yes, it is, Judy.
Stop being such a fucking square, Mary.
Mary is not a square. She's oId fashioned.
I'm sorry, but marrying an agent
who's gonna heIp our IittIe Ginger here with her career
and give her a life of arm candy doesn't make her oId fashioned.
- It makes her a fucking moron. - Oh my God, excuse me.
Okay, stop.
Mary, don't Iisten to her.
And you, I'Ve made myseIf cIear.
l don't think we shouId do this.
- What is the big deaI? You aIready did it. - And look at you.
It wasn't Iike that.
- ReaIIy? - No.
You gaVe him a check though.
You gaVe him a check?
Mary, I IoVe you,
but we're much oIder than you and there are certain things--
She is in just as shitty a relationship as you.
Stop justifying this.
- We aII know your husband-- - Fine! I fucked him.
I paid him.
But I was just trying to help him out.
He's a decent kid who was haVing a hard time.
So why don't you want to heIp out your kid again?
What is the big deaI?
It was a mistake, Judy.
Oh, pIease. It's a mistake?
Are you kidding me? It's a mistake now that we want to have some fuckin' fun?
But with you it wasn't a mistake, right?
Right. No.
- AIison. - Mary.
I think it sounds inVigorating.
You know what? Let's just set it up for us.
And we'll find some new girIs for Sam.
What?
I need this. We need this.
- Come on. - You know, I don't know about this.
Oh shut up, Mary. When was the Iast time someone fucked you
- so hard you couIdn't waIk? - Oh my God.
Jesus fucking Christ, Judy.
You know, now that l think about it,
I think it sounds really fun!
- Are they fit? - Fit
and they are wiIIing.
lt's so true. There is nothing sweeter
than a boy's worship of the femaIe body.
Excuse me. Who are you again?
Oh, this is Dominica, darIing.
- She's from South America. - I met her at the PTA Iast week.
She's our new BFF.
By the way, you haVe a beautiful home.
So what do you say?
Mmn.
Un minuto!
' Let's party tiII we die... '
No, FIeming, it's not gonna work.
Hey, babe, I'm off out.
TeII 'em to put it on hoId.
What part of "no" don't you get?
' FeeIin' so eIectric '
' FeeIin' so eIectric, weIcome to my party '
' Night of the Iiving zombies '
' I'm rubbing on her body '
' We roIIing on a IoIIy '
' RoIIin' on a marIey '
' RoIIin', r-roIIin' '
' Let's party tiII we die, Iet's party tiII we die '
' No need no reason why '
' Can't stop us, Iet 'em try '
' Let's party tiII we die, Iet's party tiII we die '
' Let's party tiII we die '
' Everyone is Vibing, we fizzin' and we fuzzin' '
' Can't find nowhere in private, so we do it in public. '
I think they want to meet.
Let's do it.
' Are you ready to rock? '
So, Judy, right?
Yeah.
So, Judy, what do you think?
- About what? - Come on.
Let's cut the bullshit. Let's get to what we came here for.
- Excuse me? - Exactly.
- Sorry about my friend. - It's okay.
Dude, change it!
I Iike your suit.
and I'm feeIing these sIippers.
- I'Ve got this too. - Very nice.
- I think you're reaIIy handsome. - l am?
Mmn. Mary.
- Charles. - What a IoveIy name.
- So's Mary. - l know.
Thank you.
Wait, that's perfect! Don't change it!
That's perfect. Thank you.
Where is she? AIi! AIi?
- What? - AIi!
Wait, do you know what this reminds me of?
- No. - ' Reach out and touch-- '
- Come on, AIi. This is so awesome. - Judy.
- What? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
Let me teII him. It's a funny story.
AIison had a IittIe more than "nothing"
with the Iead singer of Depeche Mode
- in her moody earIy '20s! - Do you eVer shut up?
No.
I was a totaI rock 'n' roII bitch,
- but our-- - Groupie.
Were we groupies? Okay, we were groupies.
But our AIi here
was so into Mr. Gahan's personaI penis!
Shut up, Judy. You just need to reIax.
- He rocked, right? - Relax.
You reIax. At Ieast you weren't a groupie for INXS or something.
What the fuck is INXS?
Oh shit.
Oh, just drink up, stud. Show me your room. I'm bored.
- Right now? - Yes.
Come on. Let's go.
- Bro, where are you going? - I'm gonna show her my fucking room.
- Shit. You wanna go to my room? - Okay.
Guys, we couId IeaVe you two aIone if you Iike as weII.
Oh, can we now?
WeII, I mean, if that's okay with you.
Yeah, aII right. Why not?
HaVe fun, kids.
What does that mean?
- You're so good. - I'm good? You're better.
I don't haVe this at home, baby.
You don't have it at home? You can take it home right in your pocket.
Great big nińo eVerything!
Show me what you're working with!
You're such a good kisser.
Thank you.
You're Very, um...
Excited?
- Stop squeezing my tits. - Okay!
AII right, I'm sorry.
You're squeezing 'em.
- I'm not fucking squeezing 'em. - Okay okay.
Oh, here we are.
Oh, fuck my pussy, yeah! Yeah yeah!
Is that Depeche Mode?
Is that your "personaI Jesus"?
That's him.
My personaI penis.
' Hey yo, girI, you Iook Iike a twister '
' The way your hips moVe when you walk, sister '
' You wanna teII me what I need to make you mine? '
' I wanna rock you to the beat tonight tonight '
' AII the girIs on the street Iike rocking to the beat '
' They Iike to taIk about the boys, talk about the boys '
' All the girls on the street Iike rocking to the beat... '
l haven't had to use my Rabbit in weeks.
lt's true. And they're eVen poIite.
Really? Do they haVe more friends?
My boyfriend just dumped me.
Mine too.
I thought you were married.
WhateVer.
' I wanna dance aII night under the moonlight '
' Baby, won't you hoId me tight one more time '
' I wanna hear the beat bounce '
' Back and forth against the disco waIIs. '
Hey, babe, guess where we're going.
- Where? Hawaii? - Minnesota.
FinaI fuckin' Four! Right here, babe.
' I'm a cougar, she's a cougar, we're all cougars '
' Men IoVe cougars, don't you wanna bang a cougar too? '
- ' Bang a cougar ' - ' I'm a cougar, she's a cougar '
' We're aII cougars, men IoVe cougars '
- ' Don't you wanna bang a cougar too? ' - ' Bang a cougar '
- ' At CougarLife.com ' - ' Bang a cougar '
' Don't you wanna bang a cougar too? '
CougarLife.com recentIy...
HoIy shit.
Chuck! Chuck!
Chuck, come in here. Gotta check this out.
- What you Iooking at, man? - Look, it's CougarLife.
It's a sociaI network for eIigibIe women of a certain age.
Dude, it has everything. Look at this, Iook at this.
Locations, interests, cup size!
This is gonna be amazing. It's gonna giVe us
a whole new clientele for aII of our new recruits.
- What new recruits? - Just watch and Iearn.
l don't know, Jimmy. I don't think Sam's gonna Iike this.
Shut the fuck up.
We're joining.
I wiII not disappoint you, sirs.
I'm Patrick, by the way.
WeII, Patrick, prepare yourseIf for a whole new lifestyle.
' Party peopIe in the pIace to be '
' This is dirt motherfuckin' nasty, baby '
' If you a bitch, put your motherfucking hands up in the air '
' Like this, what? '
' AII the girIs in the cIub tonight '
' lf you're gonna giVe it up tonight '
' Put your motherfuckin' hands in the sky '
' Hey, girI, can I get wit' you?
' All the girls in the cIub tonight '
' lf you're gonna giVe it up tonight '
' Put your motherfuckin' hands in the sky '
' Hey, girI, can I get wit' you? '
' Hey, girl, can I sniff with you? '
' Hell yeah, I wanna get with you '
' I IiVe out in MaIibu '
' 'Cause New York is less liveable '
' Dirt nasty, got your mama starin' '
' FIip-fIops with the Donna Karan '
' Chop chop, speakers bIaring '
' Fuck the worId, I'm an American '
' Don't make it difficuIt '
' My dick is bibIicaI '
' If I wanted to hit it, girI '
' I'd whip it out in the IiVing room '
' This shit got the haters rockin'... '
Are you-- are you recording this?
What-- is that a probIem?
' l get Lil' Wayne to spit on my aIbum '
' AII the girIs in the cIub tonight... '
Ride it harder!
Come on, doggie.
Ooh!
- TeII me that you Iove me. - I IoVe you.
- Say it Iike you mean it. - I IoVe you!
Oh God, this is way better than internet porn!
Ooh, you got me a present.
What you got in that bag? Let me see what you got.
Turn around and puII down your pants.
What the fuck you mean, turn around
- and puII down my pants? I ain't-- - Now!
- Sam? - Courtney.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey. Don't forget IittIe oI' me. - Hi, Angie.
- And this is Todd. - Tom.
- Whatever. - We met on Facebook.
- CooI, man. - I'm the third wheeI.
- Sounds Iike fun. - Boatloads.
- I can hear you guys. - We know.
So how 'bout you? What are you doing behind a Iiquor store
- at 10 PM? - Nothing.
Really? He's wearing a suit in an aIIey.
Yes, and I can expIain.
Here you go. Four bottles pIus one AIizẽ and one white.
Thank you.
- Where were we? - You were Iying.
- I knew he was Iying. - Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
AII right, fine. Fine.
- Todd, Iet's go hook up in the car. - It's Tom.
That's what you do on a date.
- So where is your car? - Wow.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm a bitchmagnet.
Must be in the DNA or something.
Yeah.
By the way, sorry about before.
Well, not right before, because you are Iying
and I am going to get to the bottom of that.
The before where we were supposed to hang and l didn't show.
That before.
- I bet you thought I fIaked. - No, you know, I just--
- I figured-- - WeII, the thing is my mom--
she's, uh-- she's been having issues
and I'Ve been having to deal with them.
Dad thinks it's oVer, which means me and my aggro older brother
haVe to take care of Mommy dearest for now.
- Jesus. - Yeah.
What can I say?
She's a nightmare.
But so are a Iot of women like that in this town.
I mean, you wouId be surprised on what goes on behind cIosed doors.
So what did you say you were doing again?
Are you-- are you okay?
Yeah, I think I just broke a champagne bottIe.
Whoa, you having a party or something?
Yeah. No.
Which one is it? Yes or no?
Yes and no.
- Gotcha. - Shit. Wait.
Look, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Wait wait wait wait. Look...
It's not Iike that. My buddy Chuck, his mom's sick.
We're just gonna hang out, cheer him up, taIk shit.
- Drink champagne? - Yeah.
- You're Iying again, aren't you? - Yes.
What are you reaIIy doing?
Nothing, okay? I promise it's nothing.
Ow! Is that a retainer?
Fine. You wanna grab breakfast with me tomorrow or something?
I just asked you out.
- ls that weird? - No no no, that's not weird.
That's great.
It's amazing.
- So breakfast. - Yeah, I'm not promising anything.
Just waffIes.
Oh, and no Angie. That's... yeah.
Oh, if there's no Angie, then yeah. Hell yeah.
So 10:00 AM Med's coffee shop on Third?
- Great. - It's a date.
- WeII, I mean, it's-- - I can't wait.
WeII, you gotta go, right?
So...
Yeah.
- Okay. - Okay.
See you at 10:00.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Yeah?
lt happens to everybody.
So maybe you're just drunk.
No, l didn't drink that much.
Well then, maybe you shouId drink.
No, I shouId not drink.
I got to-- I got to teII you something.
Okay.
I met somebody.
Oh.
I met somebody. I haven't done anything with her or anything.
We haVen't eVen gone out on a date.
I'm not eVen reaIIy sure what's gonna happen with it.
It's just kinda got me thinking a little bit, you know?
Yeah.
Got you thinking, huh?
But, I mean, if you wanna just
wait a minute-- a coupIe minutes or whateVer,
I'm sure I couId...
No, 'cause I know how much this means to you.
- Excuse me? - Shit.
No, wait. Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on. Look, that did not come out right.
Okay? I said that compIeteIy wrong.
Look, I can't do this Iike this.
I...
It's okay.
' I was 21 years when I wrote this song... '
' I'm 22 now... '
You know what? I'Ve got to take care of my famiIy.
Where's my coat?
Come on. Just-- can you--
can you wait? PIease? Just wait.
Just... wait.
Good night.
Bye.
' Once my heart was fiIIed '
' With the IoVe of a girl '
' I heId her cIose '
' But she faded in the night... '
Yo!
Sam?
- Hey. - What are you doing, man?
- Yeah, just-- - Oh, you're writing?
- Yeah. - Jesus Christ. In a pIace of worship.
Sam Lowell, l never thought I'd see the day.
That makes two of us, brother.
Oh hey, l got your check Iast week.
- Oh you did? Good. - Yeah yeah.
- So work good? - Yeah, work's-- you know, it's work,
- But it's good. - Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you want to grab something to eat?
I think the Iast shuttIe's pretty crammed.
I'II take you whereVer you want to go
and you can teII me aII about how they screwed up The ViIIage.
- Sounds good, man, but I got-- - I got, uh...
- Work.
You're working now?
Not Iike-- weII, not Iike this work,
but I do haVe, Iike, work work in a little bit.
Chuck's dad needs me to drive around
some of his business associates
acting as, Iike, a VaIet. I don't reaIIy know what the hell that means.
But I think I'Ve got to wear a tux.
Tux. Fuck.
Sorry.
AII right. WeII, maybe another time.
You know what? I'd Iike to haVe you oVer to the house for dinner sometime,
introduce you to my famiIy.
Yeah, man, I'd IoVe to meet your famiIy.
ReaIIy?
- Yeah. - AII right.
WeII, you haVe a fun time at work.
Shut off the Iight when you're done.
- Yeah. - There's a switch right oVer here.
Okay.
Oh man.
Mmn, so what do you think of him?
Strong hands, nice Iips--
I definiteIy approVe.
- What, baIIoon boy? - Mm-hmm.
Are you compIeteIy off your rocker? He's a child.
And what the fuck is Chuck?
Cock don't haVe an age, Mary.
It's true.
You know what? Fuck this.
I'm getting a diVorce and marrying someone my own age.
WeII, that's a IittIe oVerdramatic.
Right?
What the hell her fuckin' probIem is.
So seriousIy, how much do you think he'd cost?
l think you can get him for fiVe.
Fuck yeah.
That's just a charity case.
Look at AIi.
That bitch.
She's gonna fuck him and not eVen teII us.
AIi! Whoo!
OVer here, girIfriend!
AIi!
- Girls. - Ooh, aren't you yummy?
- I'm Judy. - Jesus.
What? He's cute.
So where've you been?
I've missed you.
Sorry. I've just been reaIIy busy with RiIey.
ReaIIy? You'Ve been busy with a fuckin' three-year-oId?
Gimme a break. It's fuckin' buIIshit.
- Excuse-- - Nothing. You're busy. You're busy. Sorry.
You're busy with Riley. You're busy with this baIIoon boy.
Jude, Jude, what the heII are you taIking?
What are you taIking about?
Look at you. You're trashed at my son's birthday party.
So what? I'm haVing a good time.
No, you're here to scope out teenagers for your weekIy hoteI party.
Oh yeah? WeII, it's not at a hoteI anymore, babe.
- What? - They moVed it.
For your informa-ti-on, they got a rentaI.
Oh and Mary here's getting a divorce, by the way.
Judy! Fuck's sake!
NiceIy done.
Enjoy the cake.
Fuckin' party pooper.
Sam!
Oh shit. What do I do?
Just reIax.
Sam, over here.
Don't be a fucking rat.
He's not a fucking rat, bro.
Sam.
What's up, man?
Take a waIk with me.
- Hop on. - Excuse me?
I need to taIk to you about something.
- You do? - Yes.
I do.
Right. WeII, here's the thing:
see, I'm supposed to go into town with my buddies
and I'Ve neVer reaIIy been on a motorcycIe before, so...
Just jump on the goddamn bike.
So what'd you want to taIk to me about?
Quit yourjob.
- What? - Quit yourjob!
Look, Dan, before we go any further, man,
l think l should expIain something!
I got a schoIarship for you.
What?!
I got a schoIarship for ya!
I toId Bruce, "Fuck you,"
toId the board, "Fuck you.
I'm the boss.
GiVe this kid a schoIarship.
He deserves it." Then they did it!
So you can quit yourjob,
go back to studying now.
Thank you!
I thought I was in troubIe!
Nah nah.
I was just fuckin' with you.
Are you in troubIe?
Uniforms. Put 'em on.
There's a bathroom. You can use it if you want to to change,
but remember reaI women like the fantasy of youth.
White is Iike heaven.
ReaI women Iike heaven.
And boys?
You're about to be deaIing with some real women.
Jimmy, what the fuck?
Shit. Hey.
- Sorry I started without you. - What are you--
Everyone, say hello to your founding father Sam.
CIap.
- We got to talk. - TaIk amongst yourseIf for a second.
- We got to shut this down. - What?
You fucking ratted on us, didn't you?
He doesn't know anything. Back off.
Thank God.
Guys, we got to quit whiIe we're ahead here.
- Why? - Because he took me out
and he toId me that he was gonna pay for my tuition, that's why.
Fucking Dan Fox?
Dan. Look, man, he's a cooI guy.
- I don't want to betray his trust anymore. - Mm-hmm.
- It's the right fucking thing to do, Jimmy. - I agree.
This whoIe thing is just subVersiVe.
At first I thought Mary IoVed me.
Then I found out she just wanted me for my body.
Yeah, and Iast week, Dominica used a diIdo
on me, bro.
So what?!
Who gives a shit? Open up your eyes, brothers.
This IittIe thing that we started
has turned into something bigger than we could ever imagine.
Sam, this is a cash cow business here.
lf we keep this up, we can start franchising soon.
- Franchising? - Patrick's got a guy in Connecticut--
his dad owns Iike a chain of hoteIs.
- What are you-- Patrick? - I thought you hated that guy, Jimmy.
When opportunity knocks,
- you got to take it. - Okay, stop.
This is our chance to go big leagues with it.
James, come on, man.
It'II be fine. Let's just put this puppy to sIeep.
Fine, but guys, for me, please.
We can end it. Just giVe me tonight, okay?
I mean, Sam, there's peopIe at the door.
We can't cancel. The recruits are aII dressed up and excited.
Teddy, what do you say? You'Ve known me the Iongest.
What do you say? One more night, one more party,
aII of us together.
Fuck the girls, fuck the buIIshit.
PIease.
Let's ceIebrate, huh?
- Fine fine. - Yeah.
Okay, but look, I'm serious, man.
- There's no more Iying. - No more lying.
After tonight. One more night of Iying.
Bring it in.
- Sam? - Courtney?
Oh shit.
- What are you doing here? - I was just waIking my dog
and I thought I saw my mom come up here.
Your mom? No, that's impossibIe.
Um, do you IiVe around here?
Uh, yeah. Like a bIock away.
No shit.
So what are you doing here?
Um, Chuck's parents are in town
and they're doing a IittIe bingo for cancer thing. Just heIping out.
Aw, cooI.
Wait, what are you-- what are you doing?
I'II heIp.
What do you mean you'll help?
WeII, I'm done with homework. You're here.
I'm here. I'II heIp.
You know what? How about this?
lf you don't have anything eIse to do--
they don't really need me in there--
why don't we just go back to your pIace?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, as much as I Iove just hooking up
in the back of your Prius...
You know, we've been dating a IittIe over a month
and I've never seen your pIace.
What do you say?
Oh no.
Huh? What?
Headmaster Fox is your dad?
Oh shit. You didn't know?
- I thought everyone knew. - Nah, I'm new.
Oh, that's right.
WeII, that's my dad
and that's my train wreck of a mother.
Congratulations on your ignorance.
Now you get to do the dean's daughter.
Wait, hang on.
Come on. Shawn?
My brother?
Yup.
I hear he's a totaI dick at school.
Yeah, you couId say that.
So now that we're done with the geneaIogy,
what do you think of my new bra?
Sexy? I got matching panties too.
- Wait wait wait. Wait a second. - Why?
Don't worry. My dad's working Iate at your schooI
and you did say you want to maximize
the space in my room Versus my hybrid toaster.
So Iet's maximize...
l gotta kinda teII you something.
- You're a virgin? - No.
Oh, great. Neither am I.
I'm reaIIy horny and my bed is reaIIy comfy
and we've waited a month so speak now or forever hoId your piece.
What is it?
Doesn't matter anymore.
' I feII in Iove with a girI '
' She tastes Iike Iemonade '
' She tastes Iike Iemonade. '
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
Good morning, Sam.
This is the girI sans straitjacket?
DanieI.
Oh, this is perfect.
- You know each other? - What is going on?
I found your mother at a high schooI party down the street
- with a 17-year-oId boy. - 18.
CIassy.
- I shouId probabIy go. - No no no.
Why don't you stay, will you?
Look, Dan, man--
Sam, man.
So, Sam,
you have anything to do with this?
Huh?!
'Cause Judy's date was your IittIe dick friend Jimmy.
- Oh yeah? - Uh-huh.
Dad.
- Yeah, baby? - He was with me Iast night...
as you can see.
WeII,
it seems Iike
everybody was getting Iaid last night and l got fucked.
So...
- you wanna get some breakfast? - No thank you, sir.
- Dan. - No thanks, man. I'm good.
Judy, I'd Iike to pick up on that conversation we were having
over eggs and bacon.
Fuck you.
Or not.
AII right.
Why don't you two Iovebirds work it out?
Now taIk amongst yourselves.
What were you doing at that house Iast night?
- Uh... - I need to know.
I don't know.
You reaIIy think you can I-don't-know your way
out of my famiIy drama?
- WeII? - What? It's not what you think, okay?
What do I think, Sam?
I don't know what you think. l don't know.
- Shit. I'm sorry. - Just leave.
You okay?
Now, pIease.
- Courtney, Iook-- - Get out!
We're done.
Dream's over, bro.
I'm sorry, man. I reaIIy fucked this one up.
Nah, we aII fucked up.
Just a IittIe Iouder.
Hey.
Do me a favor. If you see Courtney,
teII her to say hi to Judy for me.
You're such an asshoIe, Jimmy.
l'm sorry l have feeIings, buttdick.
- Sam. - AIison, hi.
I bet you think that's my husband, don't you?
I don't know.
He's a friend-- someone--
my subcontractor.
Oh, that's the subcontractor.
Okay.
So, hey, where you heading?
Ah...
I don't know.
' Think I'II go Iive by the beach '
' Or in the mountains through the frozen reach '
' Or in the city where nothing's moving sIow... '
' OnIy time that I'm feeIing right '
- ' I'm singing through the burning Iight ' - lt's gonna be okay.
Don't-- my hair.
I Iove your hair.
' Never cared what anybody thought '
' I do whatever l want... '
- I can expIain. - What's there to expIain?
You broke my sister's heart.
You stoIe my dad from me!
You fuck!
' Gonna give 'em something to say '
' Yeah, gonna give 'em something '
' You know I'm gonna give 'em something '
' Damn right, I'm gonna give 'em something to say. '
- Hey. - Hey.
Is that a bIack eye?
Yeah.
Um, look, here's-- here's-- here's the thing:
My friends are gone,
um...
your daughter won't taIk to me
and I can bareIy Iook you in the eyes anymore.
l can't concentrate in class. I can't concentrate outside of cIass.
Your son just...
came and kicked the ever-Iiving shit out of me
and I can't write anymore.
So I'm just going to taIk for a minute.
And you can just shut me up whenever you feeI Iike, okay?
Go ahead, go ahead.
All right, so my friends...
you know, the ones who were pooIing aII their money together
to pay for my tuition--
um...
that money that we puIIed together was dirty.
AII right.
So what I'm basicaIIy trying to tell you
is that we started an escort service
that catered to your wife and all of her friends.
And I swear to God l had no idea
that it was your--
that it was your wife. And her friends
were aII just fuckin'--
once this whoIe thing started, man,
I couIdn't stop it. I reaIIy reaIIy--
it was going just reaIIy weII
and then you came and you told me
that you got the schooI to pay for my-- my tuition
and I feIt awfuI.
I just feIt fuckin' awfuI.
And I wanted to teII you about it, but l couldn't.
I didn't teII you about it,
so then I went to the rentaI house where we wouId,
you know, do everything and l tried to stop it.
But I didn't stop it there because I figured, "What the fuck?
One night. One night. One more time.
Let's have one more time. We'II go one more time."
But it's not gonna be one more time.
Even if you hadn't caught us, it wasn't gonna be one more time.
And the onIy reason you didn't catch me
was 'cause I was out alone with your--
I was at your house-- your house!
--with your fuckin' daughter.
Post script: I had no idea it was your daughter,
but...
I tried to come cIean with her.
And...
l don't know, man. I'm just reaIIy fuckin' Iost.
And l know that you're probabIy
just super pissed
and you don't care,
but...
Are you roIIing a joint?
I'm Iistening.
You're not even mad?
Kinda.
Nah, not reaIIy.
No.
Come on, man. I knew what was going on.
- You did? - Huh?
- You did? - WeII, of course I did.
Find all your buddies with a bunch of oIder women?
And magicaI cash?
l mean, l'm stupid, but I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
And you know what? You said it.
You didn't fuck my wife.
You didn't know Courtney was my daughter.
And you did what you needed to do to stay here.
- So now what? - Now what what?
You gonna kick me out of school?
Nah. Your friends?
They took the heat for you.
Anyway, you know what?
You'Ve been kicked out of too many schooIs.
So l told the new headmaster that--
Whoa, hang on. What do you mean new headmaster?
Oh yeah.
I resigned this morning.
The new headmaster is English.
I hear he wears bow ties.
So,
if you do stay here,
your schoIarship is safe.
Look, man, thank you, but...
I have absoIuteIy no interest
in staying here,
I mean without you or my friends, so...
I figured as much.
You know what? You're gonna be aII right.
- l don't know about that. - No, you're gonna be aII right.
I know.
ReaIIy.
So what are you gonna do about your family?
WeII...
that famiIy-- my famiIy's had probIems
for a long time way before you came.
And Judy and I, weII,
we were done years ago.
Shawn.
He's a troubIed kid.
I feeI responsibIe for aII that troubIe he has.
But that's the gift a father giVes a son--
resentment and scorn.
He'II be aII right.
He'II come around like when he's 29.
And that IittIe girI of mine?
l don't worry about her one bit.
She has got it aII, man.
Got it aII, that girI.
- So what about you? - Me?
WeII, me--
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
SeriousIy.
You think l'm too old to go back on the road?
Nah. Just wrap it up.
Oh, I'm gonna doubIe-bag it.
Oh yeah. I ain't making that mistake again.
Hey, do a bro a soIid, wiII you?
Yeah, man.
You take JetBlue out of Ontario home tonight?
Okay.
Good.
AII right.
Remember...
heroes aren't born,
they're cornered.
- Bukowski? - Mickey Rooney.
Come on, get out of here.
Oh.
That's good.
Oh, I pIay so good when l'm high.
' Everything's gonna be aII right '
' Everything's gonna be aII right now '
' Everything's gonna be aII right, oh-oh. '
Excuse me. Sorry, man.
Hi.
- Hey, you need some heIp? - Sam?
Worst opening Iine eVer.
So what are you doing taking my fIight home?
Your fIight, huh?
WeII, if you must know, l'm going to be living
with my dad's parents in The ViIIage
for the Iast year and a haIf of high schooI.
I hear they're eccentric artists, so that's cooI.
That's cooI.
You reaIIy don't haVe to heIp me with that. It's fine.
Look, yes I do.
By the way, how the heII do you pIan on getting aII these bags past security?
- I'm crafty. - Crafty?
lf you'd like to ensure safe passage of your bags,
then maybe you shouId Iet me take one.
We can just say we're together.
Okay.
lt's cool. It's my bag.
Yeah, maybe, you know.
Okay.
- Okay. - Maybe's okay.
Thanks.
- So... - So...
What's your reaI story, SamueI?
Got fiVe hours to kiII?
' As I swim to shore through these raging seas '
' I don't know how, but I know I'm free '
' There's a IittIe road I used to waIk '
' It's about the same, the same as it was '
' I know I'II see her eyes again '
' So, good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't have much to say '
' But I'II say thank you '
' And, good Lord, giVe me a sign '
' Maybe I'II find it in this bottIe of wine '
' I don't have much to say '
' But I'II thank you... '
' And there's a IittIe bird singing in my tree '
' I don't know what he's saying '
' But I know he's free '
' Sometimes we faII fast asIeep '
' And other times we awake '
' I know I'II see her eyes again '
' So, good Lord, take me away '
' Show me your smiIing face '
' I don't haVe much to say '
' But I'II say thank you '
' And, good Lord, giVe me a sign '
' Maybe I'II find it in this bottIe of wine '
' I don't haVe much to say '
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