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Thank you.
Thank you for Your conditioned response.
How nice to be here in San Francisco, California!
[applause and applause]
And very good from the audience to rest
than they need demonstrations per hour
to come to a comedy show.
San Francisco, a city
technology and charity
and equality, a city
the mascot must be C-3PO,
a shiny gay robot
who just wants to help people.
[applause and applause]
A city filled with hemp shoes
and hipster food trucks.
Hey, at 2:00 a.m.
Let's go some Vietnamese shrimp donuts
or what about Gothic barbecue,
where all the meat is dark,
and the chicken pieces themselves.
The show will be good, people are happy,
everyone has fun,
and then Chris Hardwick starting from the shooting location
by saying something strange and inappropriate,
like, "have you ever thought about
how do all your mothers have semen on them at some point?
This is the fun part.
How many people come with their mothers?
Yay! Whee.
Fun time.
They are there.
Oh, don't make eye contact.
* Awkward driving home
This is not strange. Some of them enter
Good, you are here Some of them enter
Good for you.
You start as a winner. [chuckles]
Strange right?
You don't want to talk about sex with your parents.
You don't want to talk about it. I can know from your body language
You don't want to talk about sex with your parents.
It's weird, and then you don't,
Like, you are ready to have children.
Like, you are married,
and then they will talk about it like that it's nothing
Right? Your in-laws will be like,
"Tell me, when will you leave? Give us some grandchildren?"
And they might also say, "Tell me, when will you start
finish in our daughter?"
"Uh, well,
" You know, I thought I would finish on his face for a while,
"And I don't know, just take it some time to get married,
" Be a partner, go to Europe.
"I'll finish it on his back in front of the Parthenon,
" and then when I feel really calm,
"and I feel like my career is all in place,
"I will fire my DNA inside him,
so he can defecate bad cup for you."
I remember this time
I found out where the baby came from I remember the right time I found
where baby comes from I am four years old
I was behind from my parents' car My father is driving. This is driving.
This is not how I found it.
Come on.
My father is driving, Mother is in the passenger seat,
and I just that existential crisis
that little child has, you know, first time
You become aware, like, I'm not before,
and now me, so I say,
"Where's the baby coming from?"
My father likes, "I will do this one.
" Well, men have a penis, and women have a vagina,
"and a man puts his penis in the vagina,
and a few moments later, the baby comes out."
And I'm like, "Alright.
" Follow-up questions.
How far in the way The man put his penis? "
And my mother left, " I will do this. "
Slowly he turns around, looks sideways at my father
He goes, "Not too far away."
So they divorce.
What do you say to your children? If you are a fetishist, right?
What if you are a fetishist? What do you say to your children?
And by the way, there's nothing wrong
by being a fetishist, right
There is nothing wrong if you have a fetish
It's not like you planned it.
You know, fetishes are just strange land mines that you tripped later on,
and you are like, "Oh, I guess That's what I like now."
Like, you don't know where it comes from Something happened when you were young
Nobody tells you. It's not like
Your parents take you aside and go, "Remember that harness
" We use you when you are learn how to walk?
That will come back later. "
I just imagine, like, a fetishist who tells their child.
" Where is the baby from? He is dressed like a bear and eats honey from his buttocks. "
" Does he always have to chain his feet to the tree? "
"You won't be here if not."
Speaking of which, I don't know
if eating honey out of the ass is something.
I'm afraid of Google.
I am afraid. I don't know
First of all, NSA tracks all that information
I don't want it in a database somewhere,
and second, I have this strange, That irrational fear is the moment
I Google something is really horrible, like,
something terrible will happen to me,
like, "eat honey out from the butt."
My heart, dead Then--
And then someone like,
"Oh my God. Oh God."
And Hollywood Reporter like, hosts 'Talking Dead'
"and clear cubby hunter Chris Hardwick
" died of overenthusiasm
"he feels from seeing with legal pornography.
LOLOLOL."
Fetishists - That is one of the reasons
why I have that very respect for nurses.
[cheering]
Nurses do a lot of things community - do you nurse?
Are you a nurse? Nurse, nurse?
Nurses really deserve it more respect than they get.
Regular day in the life of a nurse
will be the worst damn day
your whole life with the items they see,
and I feel I don't get credit for that,
Right, because doctors get a lot of credit
A doctor, you know, like something happens,
a doctor explodes, "I'm a doctor.
" I'm here to solve it all problems
"I have a wall full of diplomas. I make a lot of money.
I have a square jaw."
"Say, the person's eyes are nonsense.
" Nurse, come here.
"Use a diaper the man's face
" I will go to love Another nurse
on a pile of opiates. "
The nurse has to clean it
Fetish people - like, for example,
whenever you meet a nurse - Where are the nurses out there?
What is the craziest Have you ever pulled it
from someone's butt?
- Sweep stick. - broom, good
Good. Do you hear how calm and the answer is measured?
"Broomstick," nothing what.
I always ask when I meet a nurse, like--
Like, I was doing a show a few weeks ago.
What's the most crazy
Have you ever pulled from someone's butt?
And this woman leaves, "Light bulb."
Light bulbs Bolam.
What do you say to someone?
When you pull the light bulb out of their butt?
I have an idea.
Don't put a light bulb on your butt
You must be very careful.
You have to be very-- If you play a donkey,
it's okay, right
You want to put items in your butt Good.
But you only need to be careful,
very careful
because at some point
in the insertion process,
butthole mu become very greedy
and suddenly, mine, then leave.
Mine. Mine.
Like seagulls. "Mine."
And then some poor nurses managed to get it to get there and be like,
"Nemo!" And bad luck.
I'm doing a show in New York,
and nurses come in all shapes and sizes.
There is a man in the front row,
full-on biker-looking dude,
like, "Children of Anarchy" leather vests,
tatted up, big old beard.
I go, "What are you doing?" He said, "I am a nurse."
So, because I'm a stupid comedian, I go, "What's the craziest?
things you've done come out of someone's ass?"
And he left, "my fist."
But then he doesn't laugh to show that he's kidding.
I don't have strange fetishes.
I think I'm lucky I don't have a fetish.
I just, like - it's just,
like, normal, old in
To win. Like, I'm good.
As I don't need to cheat my penis
enter something.
I just - like it, sex is good, and I'm fine with that
But I - survive.
I dated a girl who convinced me to buy
these Japanese animal pajamas,
it's full on - don't you damn judge me
Listen, listen, here it is what do you understand
I am a color blind relationship.
All I see is a green flag, so...
He is like, "We have to do it dress up like an animal."
I'm like, "Alright."
So we bought these items.
They are called kigurumi. They're Japanese animal pajamas.
People use it for the anime convention, okay,
and it's full-on, like,
like, full-on footy, tail, animal head,
full on pajama-type types,
And by the way, we're not fucking furries
Like, I want to make it clear. We are not furries.
We are fleecies, okay?
We are fleecies. It's not sexual.
We just want to feel comfortable overnight, all right
So you go out,
and they make all kinds of animals,
and you choose your favorite, right
You are tied to one.
You are bound with your spirit animal,
and he chose a yellow fox
because it's cunning and wild and wise,
and I choose purple wolf because of Prince.
I don't know why That is the last one,
so I bought it.
We bring it home, and I am very begrudgingly,
like, put this in, like, "What am I doing?"
And I understand, and that, like,
biggest bad feelings all my life
It's like your whole body
hug, hugged with this animal's pajamas,
and now I begin to discuss it.
I'm like, "This isn't too bad.
I can use -" And I trample like
"Where are Wild Things Are," like, "Yay.
" There are no parents.
I am over 40 years old. "
Like, I can wear animal pajamas if I want
That's no big deal. I'm an adult
I get my own money. Damn it
Hey, maybe I'll buy it bed race cars
It's also not strange. I can buy a race car bed.
I will prove it is not strange.
Woman, you will make love a man in a car
Good, the car is parked in my room,
and have a mattress in it.
So come out of my dream and get into my car
Be a pause for Mr. William Ocean.
[applause and applause]
You millennial pesky don't now about Billy Ocean!
* Queen of the Caribbean
So, you know, we get this, super fun
We order food. That will be delivered.
He has this small, Small Chihuahua dog,
little Chihuahua, Chihuahua,
which is adorable - but no,
like, one of them is Chihuahua push-in-face.
Like, he saw like miniature deer,
like a perfect little deer.
Imagine if an ordinary-sized deer upset a witch,
and he just goes, "Tiny," and then shrinks it.
Pocket deer So he jumps up and down.
We jump. We are all happy.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings.
I like, "The food is here!
I'll hide in the kitchen," Because I'm not ready
Not ready to go public. He doesn't care.
He goes to the front door, Because he is 24 years old.
I'm having some bullshit!
So he goes to get the food.
I hide in the kitchen like a fucking toddler,
just, like, hiding in the thing of this animal's pajamas.
He gets the food. Suddenly,
I hear screams and collisions from the front of the apartment,
and it turns out, Chihuahuas experience seizures.
I know, because he's a Chihuahua,
and he knows everything can kill him
He knows. That is why they tremble all the time
They are under of the food chain.
They are less attacking dogs and more dog panic attacks,
and he knows this
So he just got overloaded.
He hears the doorbell, sees a stranger, smells of food,
and like--
Blue screen; he came out!
He goes down,
and we have to boot him safe mode
or pull him out and count to ten
until we can increase to supervisor
I don't know, but he came out
He came out
He cries, panics.
Poor people sending can't go
because no one has entered credit card receipts yet,
no,
and that turns out, is the most strong magic known to man.
Until someone signs a contract
which releases it from spells
which ties it to our property,
he is forced to watch an adult woman
dress like a fox cry in a puddle
the next soup for Chihuahua seizures
when suddenly,
from around the corner,
giant prince wolf
who forgets what he wears comes
shout into the room
"What did you do to my girl?"
"I don't do anything." "Why is she crying?"
"I don't know why he cried." "What did you do to the dog?"
"I'm not -" [barks]
"Here it is sounds like when a dove cries."
I see...
[applause and applause]
So now we are all in just one thing
We all just stare at each other,
so I tried to use comedy,
Help our child. "
That is the curse of this comic
that you always say things in life,
and it's okay for the stage, but never works in real life,
never worked
where they have this Michael Jackson
Cirque du Soleil shows, right.
out hologram from Michael Jackson, Tupac style,
and then people do the unlucky circus behind it,
and everyone pays $ 1,000,
and they all go confused.
So I was checking to the hotel,
and this old man goes up to the table and leaves,
"I'm here to take two tickets for Michael Jackson, please."
And I can't stop myself from leaving,
"Oh, didn't you hear? He died."
I think it's funny.
I think they will bring me on their shoulders
going out on the street. "Yay, perfect joke."
There is nothing Desk staff,
just a cold look
The man just glared at me.
So I'm like, "I think I'll beat it,"
and then I try -
[applause and applause]
But humor is inappropriate important.
I feel like someone is too easily offended now.
Comedy is very important.
This is a defense mechanism, you know.
Comedy is armor to protect us from smoldering shit
that is life sometimes.
This helps us connect with other humans
This helps us subvert strength.
This helps us deal with tragedy.
My father died a few years ago.
What if it is the end of from the show? Thank you, good night.
Whoa, what happened? Why?
"Yeah, he told me some jizz jokes and said his father died,
and he left."
Yes, I'm at a dead dad's club. I am at the father's club dead.
No problem. You can talk about it.
Like, it's okay to make a joke about it,
and if you are in it, you understand.
The cost of initiation is a dead father
That's how you enter
You can also become a grandfather in
Look, it's a joke
You can make it if you at the father's club die,
and if you are, you understand what I am talking about They know, literally On the day I found my father dead,
I'm in a pile floor, right, very upset
My boyfriend at that time came He was like,
"Oh, God, sweetie, Can I help you?
Three hours after I know,
I can't refrain from leaving,
"My father always wants us to have ass sex."
Because you get a window
where the world is your genie of sympathy
That doesn't work. He just looks at me
very flat and gone,
"Okay, turn it over."
"I don't think This is what he meant.
" I don't think so what is he talking about
I didn't say stop! "
That is the thing you hear a lot when someone dies
Can I help you? Can I help you?
Can I help you? , but you are just bored hear it from everyone where is it unfair,
Because there is no news in our language
who expresses the idea,
"I feel sorry for you. I hope to help you.
I can't. I will take my leave."
There is no single word that condenses it all.
Like, you are not sad in a room,
and someone enters, and they go, "Flarb."
And you go, "Flarb,"
and then you never have to see them again
I was at my father's funeral.
Like, at my father's funeral, everyone like,
"Can I help you with something? Can I help you?? Can I help you?" Finally, to make it stop,
I just started reaching people and leaving,
"Will you bring my father? come back to life?"
And I just stare at them
like I'm waiting for for something to happen.
Call them a few days later,
"How is that? will we talk about?
You say something."
This is very serious.
Like, not a life celebration
This must be a celebration.
Right? It should be fun.
Like, when I die, please, do crazy crap
Like, dress like lobster,
the contents of the coffin with ice, make it a shrimp bar.
I don't care. I will die.
Give a sign to everyone, pull the penis in my face,
I don't care what it is.
Turn me into a biofuel.
"In life, Chris Hardwick is douchebag,
but in death, He takes us to Vegas."
Like, I don't care.
Have fun. We should have fun.
Like, you know, we can already dress my father like a zombie
and give everyone a bow.
Like, have fun.
Make it fun-eral. Let's make it fun-eral.
You know the price is $ 20,000
bury someone in this country?
20 big, just to bury - I know.
This is the cause of damn fraud they know you have to do it
You can't hold your body In your home.
That cannot be legally accepted.
You have to put it on land that is categorized well,
and the price tag is $ 20,000,
and that's ridiculous
My father is amazing. She's a funny guy.
He's a good man.
There are many better ways
we can expel it for $ 20,000.
For 20 - I know some.
For 20 grand,
we can buy Mercedes class E 2010,
purple flame paint on the side,
put him in the driver's seat, cinder block on the accelerator,
drive him to the fireworks hut
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And then expose it It's funny
Like "I hope there is a vagina in heaven" or something pleasant.
to fly halfway across the country,
and then exactly as we have above the Grand Canyon,
I can just dress him up like Batman
and push it out of the plane...
And with the remaining $ 5,000, rent Sugar Ray
playing... I just want to fly
Like, right also he is clouding the clouds.
The most unbelievable part of the story
whether it will hurt you $ 5,000 to rent Sugar Ray.
And that's good music.
Like, there are the entire period from,
like, '93 to 2003 only... * Yeah, mo, yeah
What do we do? in the 90s?
I mean, they don't even say words
Like how are you? write the song
What rhymes with "mreah"?
* Yes
We can't make words.
Like, all... * Yes
* It's been a long time since I'm so [INAUDIBLE] *
* Yes
* It's been a long time *
I know what music is
I know what all that is, like - soul yodeling -
I know what it's all about, Alright.
That's for Bro bro.
The 90s brought up from Dude,
cold-tipped, tattoo barbwire dude bro
it will blend and become Guy Fieri.
That is the birth of from the dude,
and Bung Bung can't express their emotions,
so he just needs something to let the woman know he feels,
so he can, like, throw the Staind CD at him
and be like, "This is what I feel.
If my penis can write poetry, this song will be."
All songs from the 90s are only poetry dick.
That's it.
If you think about it, if your penman can sing,
it doesn't have articulate muscles to form consonants,
so everything will sound like,
* It's been a long time since I [inaudible] *
* He will be [inaudible] *
* With arms wide open
[INAUDIBLE]
That is Creed, poetry dick for Jesus
[laughs]
So you don't think
I am a monster and to tell you
that my father must be cool with all this,
He really likes it when I speak about him on stage,
and that's really -
My father has a lot - dirty sense of humor
As I have, my father like a vampire head poop.
I performed in Tennessee,
and we all go to dinner after the show
My father and siblings
and my stepmother, which I call the mother bonus
We all go to dinner,
and my father, after 6 or 13 beers,
decide to start tell everyone at the table
how to lose a woman
If you don't laugh, you are being rude
Remember my father now.
Do you understand me?
No one asked that question, by the way.
No one asked that question at that time
What I say like, "Should I get an appetizer?"
And he is like, "I will tell you what to eat,"
and then it just gets dirty,
in graphic details,
explain the topography of from this region to a woman
and how to navigate it, like her Vagellan
We only get more and are more uncomfortable.
We are like, "Should we order?"
And he left, "Okay, listen.
" If you are with someone new,
"You have to dip your finger enter and take a sample,
so you know your destination."
[squeals]
I saw his servant Behind him did this,
and then we never see it again
I'm like, "Dad, please."
And he goes, "Listen to me."
"Listen to me"?
You are not developing democracy
That's just a bridge from "I just said something terrible"
for "this will get worse."
He said, "Looks like when someone gives you a cake
" You take a sample of from the icing,
so you know if you have to do it have a cake, "
and then he sits back, very satisfied with this answer
Until the mother's bonus Jumps on his face
and goes," Motherfucker, if someone gives you a cake,
You eat it. "
[applause and applause]
Yes.
It is a cold window into their lives
that paints my nightmare for the coming months.
Because it talks about people old
and talking about having sex With parents,
like, Father and Mother Bonus exactly like the type of parent
who thinks it's funny to talk about their sex life
in front of children.
Alert spoiler, it's not funny When I have breakfast with them,
and I like, "Can you pass orange juice?"
And he's like, "Okay, but if you go to -"
That has nothing to do with what I say
"Okay, but if you come
" to the bedroom at 3:00 a.m.,
"and Rebecca's hand is up on the wall,
He doesn't hang paintings."
And I'm like, "Fuck.
Oh, there's so much wrong with that
First of all, I'm not ten.
I will not come to your bedroom
in the middle of the night and crawl between you.
It's rumbling. Like, I didn't enter
And if by chance, for some crazy reason,
I go into your bedroom at 3:00 a.m.,
and my bare stepmother is awake with her hand on the wall,
my first thought won't,
"How strange when hanging art.
" I don't think he will achieve it
Oh, he gave her encouragement with her face. "
This is my inheritance. This is my inheritance.
This is what my father gave me.
This set is stunning.
I fell in love with with this set so much.
That looks - when I'm talking to Comedy Central, they say,
"What do you want set to?"
And I, honest with God, say,
"Oh, I want something
that says 'Victoria man serial killer.'"
I like polar bears behind, there,
mainly because of its appearance
like he accidentally entered the wrong room
"Hi friends. Is this a 'Missing' reunion?
"Oh well. No, sorry
" No, I never knew why I was there too
I don't know Well, I'll see you. "
It's so great to go back there.
What you do What do you do, sir?
- In life? - Yes.
What did you do in life? I am a software engineer. - Are you a software engineer?
Where did you come from? - French.
- You are from France? - Yes. - Nice to meet you
Your English is really good
Where do you study speak good English like that?
- I've been here seven years.
- Oh, well, your English must be much better
I mean, forgive me--
[speaking French]
But it's nice to meet you.
Thank you. What are you doing?
- Commercial housing.
- really In san francisco?
- Yeah. - What's left?
There is nothing left.
It's 1x1 square inch here,
this is $ 13 million
and not categorized for anything.
[applause and applause]
What is strange -
What about you - Tech.
- Do you do tech? - Ticketing, yes
- do you do tech ticketing? - Yeah.
- What does that mean? - Ticketmaster
- You work at Ticketmaster. Oh okay.
You start in tech... [audience complains
And then you like - and you know it will happen
the reaction
Listen, on behalf of from the audience,
I have a sincere question.
What the hell is is the cost of comfort?
What is more comfortable about that?
What is so comfortable it costs $ 20?
- Do you want me to answer on the camera?
- No.
But I want to charge you $ 20 comfort fee
to talk to you in front lines. What about you
- I work for a professional sports team.
- Professional sports team.
What sports team
- Shark San Jose.
- San Jose - whoa.
[applause and applause]
People like baskets - hockey.
People like hockey baskets,
the best sport available
Oh, very good,
rolling around on the ice field
My biggest mother sports fans in the world
I don't get that gene, and I just make people upset,
Because people like to follow it on Twitter because
he swears a lot of and watches sports.
Like, last time the draft was on,
I call it Sports Ball Sorting Hat Day,
and people really bend out of shape.
"Don't make love to my sport."
What are you - what else do you do?
You - what do you do? for San Jose sharks?
- I make a working ticket.
- Where do you go? - Stay away from this
- Far from what? Sst.
[imitating Bane] Why you--
Why are you rejecting me, Batman?
Why are you against me?
I can be a San Jose shark, Batman,
despite the idea think about sharks
skipping on ice very funny.
They live under water, Batman.
Maybe you are no stranger to with how sharks work.
Batman, what's your name?
- Andrew - Batman, do you remember
Do you remember when you saw it? "Black knights rise,"
and you are like, "Will he talk?
Like that whole movie?"
And the answer is, yes, he's damn
Oh, Batman, you like that - you--
You are like a braw
for millennials, Batman
Very warm.
We have to spend it More time together, Batman,
go - oh, you tremble
You know that's all it turns out I'm more, Batman.
We have to spend it some time together,
go see a movie, make love with fire
But don't try to trap me, Batman.
- never - Because I'm a cowboy
On my steel horse ride.
* I want to, die *
That's Bane Jovi, the character I'm working on
What are you doing?
- CarPlay. - CarPlay?
- [INAUDIBLE] - Oh, oh, CarPlay.
That's not it I think that's
I think it feels like, "Nurse,
" Can you pull this car? from my ass?
"This is '74 Pacer.
" The sound is aerodynamic for insertion
"This new model car just doesn't match the way
used cars first."
CarPlay. So we will CarPlay immediately in the car?
- This is shipping now
- No! What we even are still here
Come on out. Let's go to the Apple campus.
So you work for Apple? - I do
- Damn Oh my God.
What is it, like, strange, Masonic, mystical experience?
- No.
- You lie.
Every Friday night, we all wear druid robes
and call Steve!
We have all seen headless turtlenecks
floating through Cupertino campus.
Hello, sir. You look very luxurious in your pea coat
- Thank you. - Where do you come from?
- Davis, California - Davis, Cali--
Medium support for Davis, California
No, I'm kidding. Davis is a good place to be.
Is this not? No, he agreed.
You also handle it.
You agree with them. What are you doing at Davis?
- I am a medical student.
- Oh. Will you be a doctor?
- No. - Good.
I just want to learn how to sew it together,
so I can make love. What?
- I passed that class
- You passed it - he said, "I passed the class."
Good.
Good for you.
What are you doing?
- I am a writer - What did you write?
- Many items people will never read
- Oh come on!
Don't have like negative attitude!
There is an Internet.
You can get items out there.
- Oh, it's there No one found it.
- Oh well. OK.
* Passive-aggressive writer
I mean, if people are not like dickheads about reading my work
What did you write?
What kind of items do you write?
Maybe we can help You advertise it.
- I have some fiction out there.
I really have the first rejection in my first novel today, so it's good
- That's amazing.
[applause and applause]
That will start you on the road to success
Like, rejection helps you appreciate acceptance
Do you understand?
- I will keep telling myself.
- You depend there
You have a good woman here
that seems to support you Despite your bad attitude,
and he loves you
even though your writing doesn't sell
He is attached to you, no matter what
He loves you to pieces.
What is the novel? which is rejected?
Maybe there are publishers here
who might like,
"Yo, I want your crazy story about that man
who turns into a horse," or whatever your story is
- Well, it's about a lawyer.
- Boring I'm kidding.
Sorry. No, what do lawyers do?
- Well, what he did was, he faked his own death
because of the federal government
is investigating Terrible business practices.
[laughs]
- I'm addicted!
- The idea behind that is that he can't leave the city
after he faked his own death until he saw his funeral,
and when he saw his funeral, he realized that life
which he thought he had
actually not life he really has
- So it's like that
John Grisham met "It's a Beautiful Life."
You can use it.
[imitating James Stewart] I say, Judge Clarence,
I wish I had never been born.
[normal] I think you should stay with it.
Don't go down or get discouraged.
No problem.
You know, you can fuck up repeatedly.
What you have to do read my IMDB page
to understand how it works
I'm still here somehow.
I worked through the 1900s.
I don't know how.
I am here.
Good luck for you
You look like - you a good young man
Parkour!
[applause]
One time, I lost my virginity -
wait a minute, listen to me -
for blow-up dolls.
Now, your silence is very judgy.
I am in high school.
My friends gave me doll blow-ups as a joke,
and that's funny When I really have sex with him.
Strange things to do,
to expand your lover.
You just feel like this weird crazy scientist,
like, "I will give you life.
You will give me love. "
You basically imprison your breath,
so you can make love to it Like, it's a strange thing.
It's a strange thing.
You don't go anywhere, breath.
Like, that's a strange thing.
But I'm still young. I do it for science.
I just want to see what will happen, ,
Because I'm romantic.
Now, I take it - he.
I? His? . bath.
There are no locks on the bathroom door, by the way
There is no key. I know.
This is very critical situation.
My need to be in something at that age
far exceeds risk aversion that I have
There is no lock on the door.
My parents can already come anytime,
but I'm not - and there's there's nothing you can say
There is nothing you can -
You can't talk your way out of it
If they enter, you can't be like, "This isn't mine."
Like, there is nothing You could say.
You can't like, "Uh, please?"
What are you supposed to say?
So I reasoned If I was caught in the middle
night is doing this disgusting thing,
that I don't go
to try to get out of it, and it should not.
If you have ever been caught do something dirty
in the middle of the night, in the middle of the night,
by others or roommates or parents
or whatever, you don't try to talk the way out of it
Listen to me. You are committed to your activities,
and then you say a strange sequiew
to deceive them into thinking they are dreaming Right?
If my father enters, I would have been like,
"And the report is better is on my desk at 9:00 a.m." He will be like, "Oh, right, at 9:00 okay."
And that is a standard problem doll blow-ups, by the way,
it's just that standard type, you know,
fingerless hand gloves
Like--
That look on his face, that, like, "What do you want to do?"
Like, look at that.
Doll blow-up standard expression
looks like if you drive late at night,
and it's dark, and someone runs in front of your car,
and you slam the brakes, and you almost hit them,
but no, and they just turn and leave -
But in that situation,
You don't leave, "I have to insert a penis there."
Like, you don't do that.
So the process starts,
and that's weird, and it's creaking,
and we get about half way through - so,
like, one minute and -
This is my first time.
We get around halfway, and it starts to deflate.
All
Because I'm very big. No, I don't know why.
I don't know why
I'm just guessing, like, oh,
it doesn't want to be here too
That will be the power of mut mutants to have if you are a woman,
by the way, and you immediately Regret fucking a man,
You can just like, "Ugh, I'm out of here."
Just look at the dude freak out.
"What's this? Oh, my God, what happened?
What is this magic?"
So it starts to deflate,
and now this is a race.
And I don't like losing.
So I crossed the finish line correctly
as collected in the last puddle
around the middle of my body at the end, dramatic death,
[imitate air desire]
Which will name rad for a band,
I think we will all agree.
I don't know what that is.
Maybe German, maybe all tubas.
[German Accent] Hello, Munich. We are Death Queef.
Eins, zwei, drei.
[imitating rousing horn music]
That's the only thing you can do play in the tube.
[applause and applause]
So I'm done, like,
and I immediately When consciousness
that a man gets the second
after he finishes main command,
and now I feel bad about myself.
I feel bad, because
I like, "I don't know what is wrong with me.
I don't know who--"
There is no an internet at that time.
I don't know who I can talk to
Is this weird? Is this weird?
You know, am I broken? Am I damaged?
I brought this around for a long time.
I'm like, "What is my life?"
Will I be fair, like, cranking it
to Hari Macy Parade, like, "Fuck, Underdog."
Like, what will happen?
I thought I broke for a long time,
until I'm on stage in Nashville, Tennessee,
a few years ago, the first time
I told the story on stage.
I went, "One time, I had sex with a blow-up doll."
My father, from the audience,
"Me too!"
What?
We connect this?
Why don't you warn someone?
Is it hereditary?
Like, that's weird -
Like, I might have a child later.
Now I have to watch him like eagle
Hey, face on the raft, Kyle.
I know what you are doing
Yes, don't try.
I do it, like my father
and his father before him and his father before him,
who used to have to screw stone piles
climb two ways to school in the snow
This is my inheritance. This is my inheritance.
You won't know this from seeing me
My mother - I'm Italian.
My mother is Italian and Native American.
My mother is Italian and Indian Cherokee,
and I look like a Tumblr page prescribe change farms
I look like this,
and that's the cause from my father's gene
My father's gene is fair Tennessee redneck hobo-billy
as far as as you see,
and so my redneck gene does what they do best,
that is to press all minorities in my body.
And I am really qualified for financial assistance in college
as a native American.
I qualify for financial assistance, and you need money in college.
You need money in college.
I am bankrupt, and I don't want to take a student loan
I don't, and you don't want to take a student loan
Do you have a student loan?
Are you Have student loans here?
Some of you. You have to pay that crap back.
Like, you don't just get that.
That's not free money, and they will find you
They must have found Bin Laden, like, ten years before
if he has a student loan
He must have been like,
"I don't understand. I moved to a new cave.
A week later, the notification arrived."
So I qualify for financial assistance as a native American.
You must be 1/16, and I am 1/8,
and that's more than 1/16,
so I fulfill the requirements, and I want you to find out something
I don't accept it.
I don't accept it
because I'm fair can't justify it
I can't imagine myself
walk in financial assistance office
and go, "Hey, where is my damn money?
Like, I can't-- " Yeah, yeah, wigwams and bad luck.
"Where is my damn money?
" I will use every part of this buffalo
"to kick your ass
Give me my money so I can get it to the Ace of Base concert."
It was the beginning of the 90s.
I have the most intense existential, spiritual crisis,
moral crisis standing outside the financial aid office goes,
"I need this money. I have the right to do it,
" But I can't accept it, Can I accept it?
I don't know Should I take it? "
And then I heard it whispered voice
from Native Americans relative blows through my ears,
" Christopher, don't take money um.
Are not white people enough to take from our hands? "
Then I hear a distant voice Italy goes relatively,
" Just take the damn coin.
It's-me, Mario. "
And then I realize that my redneck gene
forces me to do racist interpretation
from my other ancestors.
Something that happens in the South and Midwest
that doesn't happen elsewhere, and I like it,
and that's when you go for a restaurant,
and the server takes you The food, they go, "Holler
if you need something else," and they go,
and I'm always so tempted wait five minutes
and then go...
[scream]
"Can I get some tomato sauce?
I just shouted, according to our agreement."
I am very excited to be American zombie therapist
I don't know it will be something.
I am a fan of
"The Walking Dead," fans of comics "The Walking Dead".
I get this job, talk about "Dead Road,"
and that's very fun, and I like it.
I think that's weird always everyone kill pedestrians We don't know.
Maybe that's the most undeniable thing in the world.
Maybe it's the biggest feeling
You have experienced in your life.
How do you know that unless you are a walker?
Maybe it's just, like, one lasting orgasm
that never ends, which is possible
why are they like: [moans]
All the time.
People cut their heads away
They are like, "I'm not finished."
You know, like, they are just -
But that's good.
I am very proud to be able to sort into Oliver's cousin
from "Walking Dead," to sort Be this support character
is tangential involved
That's fun. This is good
Fans of "Walking Dead" are very passionate,
a passionate fan base, and I appreciate that
I know. Which is great, usually.
If you don't like something, Even though, there is no bueno ice,
because you are very vocal, right
You are very vocal on social media
For example, the first few years
that "Walking Dead" continues, they used to run
"Talking Dead" during "Walking Dead."
Now, I want you to know I have no control over that.
I don't ask to do that.
I did not tell them where to place the ad,
but people get very angry, and again, I understand.
Because you are watching an event like that,
You invested in drama.
You get empathy for characters
You really feel what you are feeling, and you are angry.
So some terrible things will happen, like Governor
will take Maggie's face
and slam it onto the table and then tear off the shirt,
and then it will be cut for me to go,
"The hashtag is Herschel's crazy stump."
And people will like, "Fuck, man.
You did this to Maggie."
And I like,
"I didn't do it."
But I have never - I mean,
this is more responsible than you can imagine
because I'm the first face
You see when your favorites are dead characters
You can imagine
Oh my God, this will go crazy
when they killed Daryl this is next season
Oh my God. No, what? Don't you joke?
This comedy show It's fun until now.
I have asked Robert Kirkman not to do that
I like, "I'm not fucking - I don't go
to work that day If you have ever done that."
I will not go to work, Because I will be blamed for that.
Like, can you fucking imagine days?
Exactly, like, the episode ends, and then he just dies like,
"Oh, my hair," or whatever, and he died.
And that only cuts me like, "Oh, damn.
" Okay, let's just calm down.
"Just put the knife.
" Well take your water, get your children, get your shit
"Head for mountains.
" I didn't do it.
Flarb? "
Very vocal people on social media
I still like social media.
I've been kind of built my life, my career,
"@midnight," like, everything, podcast
Everything is built on social media
I like social media. That is good.
I still like to sing a lot.
Twitter is a great tool because Twitter will answer any question
that you throw it away, there are questions.
For example, before I came to a city like this, I would go,
"Hey, Twitter, where is a good place
to get donuts in San Francisco?"
And Twitter will respond, "Fuck you
Daniel Tosh's rules."
It doesn't always answer the question you ask,
but that will answer
Social media is really great
if you are tired sane conversation,
or you feel too good about yourself
I also got a lot of trolls, and I'm fine with that
I understand. I know.
I understand. I'm trollable.
Douchey the white, I understand.
Very messy hair, tight pants.
I know I can be annoying.
Energy TV I like,
If you wet SpongeBob in water cocaine, right
I understand. Yay, everything is great.
I know. I realize.
My aesthetic design can be explained
as a lesbian hipster on the first date.
[applause and applause] You know.
Gay on the street, straight on the sheets
Metrosexual. So I got a lot of roll.
I have this crusty, Seacrest's outer skin,
but I have this springy, Bill Nye Center
who loves science and reason.
[applause and applause] I know.
Well, the problem is with trolls, You can't feed them.
I have been online since 1993, I have been online,
and I feel like I did best to learn,
but still is very difficult, right
But you have to understand, most are basically trolls,
like, a 13-year-old child who is like,
"I'm not guarded," and that's all.
That's it.
You fight with children. You fight with kids.
So this is what I say to a 13 year old child.
If you want my troll, it's fine.
You want to tell me I am stupid nonsense?
It's okay. Guess what,
I will not fight you on your battlefield again
You are my troll, I will make love to your mother
Yes, yes. And I don't mean that in figurative games form type
Like, I will all caps fuck your mother IRL
I can. He may be my age.
He might see "Dedicated."
I can really kill your mother
Yes.
[applause and applause]
Real hard, stick to the wall into your bedroom,
until you sleep soundly vibrating, and you have to restrain his voice
with your "Adventure Time" backpack
or Minecraft luxury items or whatever the fuck
[laughs]
Then I will be your stepfather.
I'll take your damn laptop You are punished.
There is another type of troll
it's just pure messy evil
They just want to watch the world is burning
You can't interact with these people
You can't feed them.
That is all they want. When you feed them,
when you interact with them, you give them control,
and that what makes them moody
That's what you do for them.
You can't do it, But like it or not, it happens.
You are on Reddit. You on someone's Twitter feed.
You are in a forum somewhere.
Someone says something crazy,
so you roll sleeve and go,
"Well, I think I will bring logic and reason for the argument."
Cut until three hours later. You cry over your keyboard
like, "I won't sleep
until you confess that you are stupid,"
and never succeed.
I used to be upset about goods online I am sensitive. Most comics, sensitive players
We are sensitive, you know.
We may be rejected when we are young
I am of course, and we have insecurity,
and people poke on the insecurity,
and we are only human. So it's hard, you know,
when people say bad to you online
You know, you internalize it.
This is totally absurd your insecurity I experience stress.
I don't know if I'm doing good work in life or not.
I do the best I can. My father has the best philosophy.
My father has the simplest philosophy.
I'm very jealous of it.
He told me this Last year he was still alive.
He left-- I was depressed about something.
I'm like, "Yes, it just works, and it's online,
and I don't--" And he goes, "Hey, I'll tell you, buddy,
whenever you can take it Damn is good day. "
That's it.
He lives past or fails.
[applause]
I am not comfortable with this analogy
I'm not a stupid fool.
I don't like it.
I even have a red face talking about it
I can't-- I feel embarrassed
I can't enter the public. I will not go public.
If my body starts to roar,
I will fight my body like, "You live there.
You work for me, bastard."
Like, I became aggressive.
Sometimes things happen.
In the case of diarrhea, which is jazz from dirt.
That's just --- blah, blah, blah.
It's out. Blah blah blah.
[babbling]
What do I do in that situation?
I have to find, like,
the bathroom is hidden somewhere, like,
at an abandoned bus station.
It doesn't matter how far you think the bathroom is.
If it's more than one,
guaranteed you go there, and you feel comfortable,
some breaths will kick the door open,
squat beside you,
make every noise the human body makes,
take a dump who needs a birth certificate,
and then I just freeze.
I was frozen in the next shop.
I can't move. I can't move limbs.
I don't know what that is.
I just changed to this is a feared mammal
where I like, "Don't let him hear you.
That's how they get you."
Like, what am I afraid of?
I have a 45-minute deadlock Previous, where I like,
"I think I live here now."
And I will also say,
I believe that, you know,
No matter how unfair a man is many things are easier,
especially when it comes to body and function,
But women will never understand
despicable terror
urinating on the wall of the urinal
and then feel a drop of from something hit your eyeball.
Oh, I will die bad luck. I will die bad luck.
I will die. This is when I die.
I can trace it back for now
What do I do? Do I run to the hospital?
Am I digging my eyes? to save my body?
I will die bad luck.
Does it piss me?
Does it bounce other people's urine?
Is that the third, mystery item
woman: Oh, my God
- I feel like I understand dogs in this arena
I understand dogs, right. A dog knows.
Your dog knows the outside is to defecate.
He knows outside is to defecate, but they never leave immediately.
They must get comfortable first, right
They go, "Oh, too much smells here
Oh, it's too dark here."
You have to walk them all the way around the block
until their body can't hold it anymore,
and then they gnaw, and they are like,
"This happened!"
And, like, his ears come back.
By the way, that embarrassed look a dog is on his face
when it is - it is right right to see you must have,
that, "Don't look at me! It's not who I am!
" Don't tell anyone, don't tell anyone
Must bury the proof. "
And if I enter relationship with you,
you will never know is happening. = I will hide it from you.
I become embarrassed.
I will never cross that threshold
in a relationship my whole life.
that one time
I fart during orgasm
with a woman
I'm not alone.
One time I fart During orgasm,
and that's just, like--
Like, I don't know what happened.
I think my body functions like,
"Oh, I guess we all come out," and then -
Like, no,
as I would theorize as 15 years old,
Give me a turbo boost,
only a slide quickly becomes embarrassed.
There is nothing you can say in that situation
None
You can't pretend like that intentionally
and be like, "Oh yeah."
Like, there is nothing You could say.
All you can do is get up and go,
"Thank you for your service," and enter the fire.
Where you will explode because You are a gas fart monster.
It's kind of nonsense It happens when you get older.
I don't know I don't know I'm afraid about that.
You know, my brother work at a cell phone shop in Tampa, Florida,
so he is happy,
and he sent me a text a few weeks ago,
and he goes, "If the others damn parents
" I asked, 'what is the cloud?'
I will hit them in the throat. "
And I go," Eddie, next time an old man said,
'What is a cloud?' Just go,
'Sst. That is the place You will leave soon. '"
So parents send SMS, and they are on social media.
They try to steal our teenage essence
like that" Cocoon. "
it's usually good.
I have friends His grandfather is 82,
and the main form communication is text.
They write to each other, and that's good because
they speak more than usual, like,
if they have to call on each other on the phone.
But somewhere along the line, someone teaches him all,
like, OMFG and WTFs,
and that just crawls it out Because it's just dissonant.
You just don't want the picture Your grandfather likes,
"Oh, OMG.
Do not believe one direction break again
Like, it feels creepy.
Maybe the abbreviation is not means the same thing to him. "
Right? He 82
He can be in terrible danger and just try to get help.
OMFG can be" Old man falls.
Guh. "
BRB," Bleeding.
Really bloody. "
WTF," Wednesday is the funeral. "
I had my first old moment not long ago.
I performed at Stanford, not far from here to 30
my favorite movie, "Back to the future."
30th birthday,
amazing movies, one of them the best film of all time.
Everyone sees it. Everyone likes it.
So I want to talk about that, right
I want to talk about it, Because it never makes sense to me
in the end why Doc Brown - Doc entered,
and he is like, "Marty, hurry, get into the car.
" We must return to the future.
"There is something that must happen done about your children
Fast, we have to go now."
Why?
You have a bad time machine.
You have a time machine.
I've had a blue ball for 30 years, right
Can't I kick my boyfriend? in my douchewad truck right
before he will change face?
And you have to appear here, looks like a circus donkey
digging through the trash,
Doc hinders me
And like I am good describe like, "Hey,
are you excited? 'Back to the future?'"
Calm down, nothing They are really weird.
Nothing.
And then I realize
they have never seen the previous film
So I ask the sweeper in the front row
I left, "What year were you born?" He leaves, "1997."
I'm like, "Fuck, man."
Like, now I'm getting angry with him
for something It's not his fault.
How bad you are born
12 years late after the greatest film
in history - Do you understand?
It will be like When I go to college,
if there are creepy parents are on the stage go,
"in history entertainment.
" You little damn bag is too far from your own ass
to find out anything. "
just yells at them on the stage.
In my day, movies about important things,
like time travel,
and they teach us valuable lessons,
like always meet parents
at mall parking at 1:00 am
when he asks you to bring a video camera.
And when I'm your age, If you want to see breasts
on the Internet, you have to get them out of a coma.
We don't just have breasts whenever we want
Let me tell you about messy porn.
You have to sneak down to your parents' living room
at 3:00 a.m.
and turn on the 942. channel The screen is right all waving
You can hear noise. You just wait
for that to freeze something,
just sitting there like a sniper,
waiting for a clean shot
Is it breast, neck,
pussy, ass, elbow?
My generation jerks into more shoulders
than that in the history of of humanity!
Stop crying!
So I got engaged.
[applause and applause] I did it.
I am engaged.
I am engaged to a woman who has decided
to guarantee loyalty to me in the eyes of the government
Hahahaha.
So we are engaged,
and we are together about one year
when we get engaged,
and I know about six months.
I think I know about six months
in that he will be one,
and that's really - whenever in a relationship,
six months is about as long
because you can pretend to be someone
You are not, where you can hold it
the image is fake from yourself to others,
where are you, like, super cool with everything and super cold.
You are like Optimus Prime.
I can solve the problem.
I will save the galaxy.
Therefore, after six months, you are just like,
"It takes too much energy stone to -"
You only slide to Prime Pessimist.
Autobots, why bother?
My tank is always half empty too.
So there's only been so long You can hold it
fake images of yourself for others,
and if you know anything about me, you know that,
You know, I've handled a lot of my life
struggling with depression and anxiety
and lots of from brain things, right.
If you don't know What anxiety,
It's irrational, But it's a real thing.
Like, there are general anxiety,
which is like, "The world came out to catch me."
Then there's panic anxiety,
Like, after all.
And I am blessed with both.
I used to be afraid of lifts
and airplanes and out in public
that you need to live In modern society,
and I get more than that,
except fear that paralyzes from height.
I have a paralyzing fear of from height,
and not even "What if I fall?"
That happens, "What if I jump?"
What if I jump? What if I jump?
What if there is a light up?
What if synapses are lit around my higher reasoning,
and I like, "I don't know why I did this," and then -
"What if" question is the worst question
You never ask yourself "what if" questions
and they always start with like,
What if I never work again?
What if I die? "Like, That's how they all go.
What if I say something? stupid at a party because I can't handle Riding a windy mountain road,
can't handle it,
and my fiance, Lydia, and I go on a six-month trip
where I know we will have to drive
windy mountain road,
Zion National Park in Utah,
high-skyscraper mountain, a mountain
it's clear like, "There are no humans."
And we are like, "We will show it to you,"
Because we have to fucking stick our noses are everywhere
So they build this windy, two-lane road
Along this giant path,
high-skyscraper mountains, and I'm very scared
During the week, I know this trip has arrived.
He will fall asleep, and I visualize success.
I visualize successfully
take it to the top from the mountain, right,
Because I want to be a big and strong man
and drive my girlfriend ride the mountain
But apparently I'm weak and weak,
and my boyfriend has to drive me up the mountain
Because we have,
like, 1/3 of the way up,
and only beads sweat starts to form.
Sweat starts to form,
and I'm starting to get - and he looks straight, right,
Because anxiety is like wild grass.
You think nobody knows, But everyone damn knows.
So he's like, "Are you okay?"
I am like, "Am I okay? Are you okay?
" Is any of us okay?
"I mean, we're on a big rock,
" glides as far as 1,000 miles an hour through space
We can [inaudible]. "
Now I start to hyperventilate,
and I try to disguise hyperventilation
as a wonder sound, like--
[snoring]
And now we are at point where I can't look,
My eyes sting with sweat,
and my hand is slippery, and now it's no longer safe.
Now it's not safe to drive up, right
Now I'm a danger.
So we get around halfway,
and I have to pull over, and there are a few turnabouts,
and I pulled over,
and this is a very important moment
in our relationship because one Two things will happen.
He will like, "Of course,
I can drive, no big deal."
Or I'll be like, "Scary mountain."
And he will be like, "Pussy,"
and just kick the door open,
climb the rest from the road to itself
This isn't too difficult.
And then I have to live there.
But he's really cool about that,
and he is like, "Oh, God, honey,
of course I will catch you to the top of the mountain."
In my head, I'm like, "Yes, I found that one."
Then we reach the top from the mountain.
He is like, "Let's go out and take the picture."
I like, "I almost found that one."
We have to leave and take pictures,
and it's like-- nothing - like,
I can feel the rooting of my stomach to the ground
even tells about that,
Because it's all steep, right.
There is no guardrail in nature.
There is no damn guardrail in nature.
Everything falls apart, and so, like, You take one wrong step,
and literally, your last thought is,
"I'm really scared!"
And by the way, fair people allow their children
run and down the side without -
I like, "Am I? the only sane person?
" You don't understand?
This is Darwin's shelf. "
[applause and applause]
Corral of your children Like, I don't know.
Do they like," Okay, That's how they learn "?
Like, I don't know .
We will make more.
And it's very embarrassing,
and he takes it very well, you know,
but it's very embarrassing '
No anxiety -
Nothing women who have worked become frothy sex
with panic attacks
No woman has ever been like,
"Well, you can go down to me for a while,
"or we can talk about it various forms of cancer
maybe we have."
I am very lucky I have a very cool mother.
98% of him is one of the most amazing humans I even knew in my life.
2% will make excuses
worry about everything and plant it in your brain.
He is Edison who is worried.
He will create a reason worry about anything
Whatever, right
I live on a small hill, the road is wide,
and there are restaurants at the bottom of the hill.
So I'm talking to my mother the other day,
walking down the hill, and he goes, "What are you doing?"
"Oh, I don't think it's safe."
I'm like, "No, I've been long ago.
" I really understand this. This is very good.
I'm good. " " There is a car.
They come there. " " Yeah, I know, I know.
"But they are big, wood cutting machines
" I have succeeded far enough in living avoiding cars.
"Like, I'm good. I won't get hit.
Like, it's really good."
"Well, there are coyote in your environment."
"I know, but I'm big, monkeys that aren't hairy and gesticulating.
Like, I don't eat for them."
"Well, they travel with a wrap."
"This is not damn 'West Side Story.'
They won't come out with a leather jacket. "
* Boys, sons, human men
[snarls]
Like...
I go, "Alright, alright.
" I will only build cushions cocoon and stay in it.
Good? " " Well, you can suffocate. "
"Okay, I will move to a large open forest."
"Well, there are bears there."
"I will move to a magical forest."
"Well, Orcs first." Like, it's impossible
satisfying This woman's worry.
So now we just shout each other
along the way down the hill, argue
I arrived at the bottom of the hill Right as a handsome young couple
walking their dog through
hear "Speak Dead" go, "I am 43 years old.
I can walk down the hill with myself if I want, Mom."
I don't know, But it's interesting, you know.
When I think about inheritance, and I think of family,
and I think about it what I inherit,
I think I'm very lucky, But there are several things.
There are a number of things I am facing,
and now, when I stand at the abyss of marriage
and then children are not far behind,
I think what is like from my parents
I will be, you know
I'm not even sure I can have children.
I saw my doctor not long ago,
and he told me that my sperm was too selfish
to grow life
We call it narci-jism, and then we are high-fived.
But what will I do?
Like if I'm super an anxious person,
how it will help children,
You know, when they are in doubt,
or when they are afraid of from something?
My child will be like, "Father, dark is scary."
I will be like, "Fuck yes, that's right. You don't know what's there."
Monsters, maybe.
And that's all supernatural things
fear.
There is a small, microscopic Terror grows in your body
that can take you out anytime
When you are born, It's like someone sticking a pin
on the side of the balloon,
and your whole life is a big business
to distract you
from sound air out.
Especially all exterior things
In the world, like pollution and ISIS
and home invasion. I mean,
If I think about it, I might have to put a better key
at the door, but let's be honest
If someone wants to enter, they will enter,
which means I have to maybe buy a gun, but if I do it,
I'm statistically more likely to shoot you or your mother,
and guess what, more ghosts
and you have to do shitting Your pants every day
But...
[applause and applause]
On the positive side,
whenever you can take it Damn is a good day.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Thank you very much for coming.
You are amazing
Thank you, thank you.
Enjoy your burrito. Thank you.
[applause and applause]
[scary music]
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