So, I'm not a big believer in blind dates.
- Uh, me neither.
Even though work colleagues swore I'd like her...
My sister promised I'd like him.
- Still... - - We were skeptical.
That is until...
I saw her.
And I saw him.
- Something clicked. We started talking. - We couldn't stop
- the whole night. -Closed down the restaurant and went and got drinks.
And then he's such a gentlemen.
- He walked me home. - Well, almost home.
Right, 'cause on this dark street,
these two huge thugs with brass knuckles...
- And nunchucks. - -And really bad skin.
They grabbed me, said that they wanted our money and were going to rape me.
We want your money and are going to rape you.
- It was horrible. - -Well, it could've been.
Right, if Barry hadn't vowed to protect
New York City streets since being orphaned as a boy.
- Yeah. I'm the trust-funded avenger.
Is he ever. Barry learned Thai-stick fighting
on the rough streets of Princeton.
He was so calm and strong.
I'd never seen a throwing star.
Lucky for them, I was with a beautiful lady
otherwise, I wouldn't have been so nice.
And after seeing the almost tender way
- he vanquished those ruffians...
I am quite compassionate.
I knew right then, it was time.
Time for me to take her virginity.
I thought I would be scared
but, thankfully, prior to me
Barry had made love to more than 80 women.
- 83... which is a lot. - I felt like I was made of light...
A sexual firefly or something. Hot-throbbing...
- Fetishistic climaxes again and again and again.
And, the next morning, after we won $38 million
playing nickel slots...
And started travelling the world and haven't stopped since.
But, Charlie, that's us, yo. What about you?
- I haven't seen you since, I don't know, high school. -Wow.
What's goin' on? Tell us about your lucky lady.
You've got one of those, right?
Yeah, what's goin' on with you?
Ever notice when you're not in a relationship
everyone else is in a ridiculously happy one?
Seriously? Unbelievable.
I mean, this guy? These two?
It's not like this shit ever works out for me.
Charlie, you called her
ten times a day for the past two weeks.
She doesn't like you, dude.
Now help me find this boomerang before your mom
- makes us do geometry. - -Was it my fault?
Who puts a heart around "no" if she doesn't mean "yes"?
Come on.
And college was even worse.
All I'm saying is next time don't leave me there by myself
while you go talk to frat guys all night, okay?
You're the one who told me to go flirt for free beer, remember?
- You didn't have to like it so much. - Charlie...
So that's how to avoid failing the final exam.
Christ.
You name the relationship
I'll tell you where it went wrong.
That dog was such a buzz-kill.
Let's just say we're both happy it ended...
Like how all my relationships ended... happy.
Well, until Angela.
You have got to be kidding me.
Angela, I'm sorry I woke you up.
You used to like middle-of-the-night sex.
I mean you are white-hot, basically naked in my bed.
You practically groped me.
With my knee? While sleeping?
- Shit. Do you see it anywhere?
Hey!
- It's gonna be all right. Okay? -I told you
to shut that window.
Blood-sucking mosquitoes are never gonna let me sleep.
- Honey. -I'm already nervous for my meeting.
Hey. Honey, honey, honey, honey.
Listen...
- You know tomorrow's gonna go great.
And I promise you, even if I have to stay up all night to do it,
you can sleep the entire time.
That mosquito's teeny tiny little life will end.
And ever since Angela and I broke up
I just can't stop thinking.
Don't just kill it... Torture it.
Pump it for information find out where those
insect sleeper cells live.
I'm gonna waterboard the shit out of that mosquito.
Good.
And I don't care what the mainstream liberal media
- has to say about it. - Mmm.
The little fucker deserves it!
I love you.
Mmm. You promise that mosquito dies after?
Alive mosquitoes are so last year.
- Just in case. - Hmm.
Whoa. Oh.
And even though Angela and I are finished,
"why" just doesn't make sense.
I mean, wouldn't it have been simpler for us
if we just did the things in our relationship
that our grandparents did in theirs?
They never split up.
Hell, even our parents' generation
did enough to at least fake-out the kids pre-divorce.
And while I know pretending is no sure-fire cure-all
it sure as shit beats reality.
I don't know.
I wish just once I had a clue what to do.
And, I mean, I just can't get out of my head.
My brain just keeps playing and replaying and replaying.
"Why did the relationship end?"
How can I get over her?
And I don't know.
So... No change then?
I really, really tried to make it work, Charlie.
But you just didn't live here.
You were in another world.
What about the daydreams and sex fantasies?
Are you still having those?
No.
Look, I know you believe
that other couples are truly happy
but the truth is, they aren't.
Nobody's happy unless they're single
and don't have to make compromises... relationship compromises
that frankly suck for everyone.
Even single people only think they're happy
but they really aren't.
They hate their parents, they hate their jobs
and their goddamn fantasy football teams.
Whatever they can come up with to keep themselves miserable.
Miserable, Charlie, is what people are meant to be.
You mind if I smoke?
I wish you could hear
half of the incessant whining that goes on in this room.
You people are relentless.
Although my Catskills cabin does say thank you.
Well, then sign me up for six more years
of these sessions right now, can we?
Charlie, you pose a very good question...
Very good... About our sessions.
Um, Charlie.
We need to talk. I've wanted to bring this up for a long time,
but with your birthday and the summer holidays
and that layoff situation you've been dealing with,
I didn't think it was the right time...
But, you know, when is it really
the "right time"?
Charlie, what I'm saying is
I think it would be good for us
to take a little time off.
It's August, right? You're probably headed to
wherever that massive therapist rave is.
Wherever you guys go this time of year. Just give me the dates.
- It's fine. - No, that's not it.
Charlie, look.
I need to stop seeing you
because it's time for me to start seeing other people.
Oh. Is it something I said?
No, it's not you, Charlie
it's me.
You know, you saying that
- really does bring up a lot of feelings for me.
Shit. I really gotta take this.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I'm gonna need some more of this stuff.
I don't know where the hell you got this shit,
but it's spectacular.
Throbbing, fetishistic climaxes
again and again and again.
There's no question Franco made a great play.
Just catching the ball at your feet is tough enough
let alone one sailing end-over-end
then to dance down the sideline
even throw in a little bit of stiff-arm?
Yeah. It was incredible. But still...
It's not the same thing.
Now, baseball, on the other hand
now, that is a game of matchups.
That is a game of intent. You can't get lucky
and hit a 98-mile-an-hour fastball.
You can't get lucky and throw a sweeping curveball
nailing the outside corner of the plate.
I mean, what's better than two outs,
bottom of the ninth, three-two count,
a runner on second and down by a run?
The pitch Dennis Eckersley intends to throw
and the swing kirk Gibson intends to put on the ball...
One pitch, one swing... a world series winner and a world series loser?
I mean, it's insane!
But listen to me, rambling on.
All talking...
Talking is exactly what we don't need me to be doing,
- now do we?
You, my friend
need to be watching further examples
of baseball's superiority to every other sport in the world
while I... I need to...
Well, you'll figure out the rest.
That's some athleticism, wouldn't you say, Kenny?
An all-star caliber move. No question about it.
- So smooth. -Makes a tough play look easy
time and time again.
What is that noise?
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen
we are delighted to have you aboard this 45-minute
non-stop flight to New York's Laguardia airport.
Please ensure that your seatbacks are in upright position
your tabletops are stowed and that you have avoided
our thousand dollar check-bag fee
by placing absolutely everything you own
in the overhead bins above.
If you are seated in the middle seat
this does entitle you to the use of both armrests
regardless of whether the stupid fucker sitting next to you
has any idea of airplane etiquette whatsoever.
After takeoff, you will be permitted to use the iPhone
but prior to that time even the single use of an iPhone
will cause the plane to crash resulting in your eternal damnation
- straight to hell. - Welcome aboard.
Oh, sh...
Whoopsies!
Wow. May I be of some assistance to you?
- Yeah, that'd be great. -I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna give this to you...
Little "Presie"... And I will take this
and you can pick it up at gate check on your way out
- when we land in New York. - No, it's a really small bag.
- Yes. -There has to be some room on board for it.
Hmm. You poor, poor dear.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you.
Come see me when you are exiting the aircraft
and I will credit you with quadruple miles for today's flight
that you will never be able to redeem, hmm?
Buckle up.
- This is me.
You just got totally hosed.
- I know, right? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Half the bags on this flight are bigger than that. -Seriously.
Thought it was bad getting the full Monty going through X-ray search.
Oh, that's nothing. See that old lady over there?
She practically begged for the thumb treatment. She's such a terrorist.
- Look at her. Don't let that fool you. - Such a terrorist.
Um...
- Online dating, huh? - You saw that, did ya?
- I'm not judging. - Wanna give me a hand?
- Mm-hmm. Yes, I do. - Yeah?
Okay. Date or no date?
Well, how 'bout... Oh! Sally!
- She's 28, enjoys emasculation of men -Sally.
Throwing up after meals and long walks on the beach.
- Date. Definitely. - Yeah?
- Yeah. She had me at "emasculation." -Wow. You're a natural.
- Okay, Gretchen. She's 30 -ooh. Gretch.
She enjoys lying about her age, being sensitive
smart and funny and only posting one picture
- that was taken 12-15 years ago. - Yeah. Without question
- she will look that good in person. - Mm-hmm.
- Without question. Take her out tonight. - Tonight?
Yeah. Don't even wait a minute.
I already have plans tonight.
She's out on work release so...
- That'd be pretty hard to reschedule. - That's too bad.
- She is really a keeper. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, um... You from the city?
- Yeah. Just coming back from visiting my sister. -Mm.
- You? - Yup. New York.
- Interview. - Oh? Nice.
Yeah. I, uh, been thinkin' about makin' a switch
to the non-profit sector for a while.
- You know, actually do some good. - Uh-huh.
- Wish I was doing that. -I figure look for a new job now
or wait till I'm 60 and announce my retirement in conference room "d"
having never surpassed my greatest achievement
which is writing the jingle for the stroller with the built-in ashtray.
- That jingle is catchy. -Oh, yeah. It's catchy like the clap.
Wait. Oh! Excuse me.
- No, no, no. -Could we get two more aviations and soda...
- Please? -Hmm. Could I just tell you
how happy I am for once to be sitting next to the hot chick?
I never sit next to the hot chick on the flight.
I mean, the elderly, constantly.
The extraordinarily sweaty, the really hot guys
all the time, but you... mm.
I win. I won. I won.
So, forgive me, but I need to take
this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and try to...
Convert this into, say, a date.
Maybe.
Outside of the pressurized chamber
we sit in.
I'm Angela, by the way.
- Charlie. - Hmm.
Really pleased to meet you, Charlie.
You too. I don't have the clap.
Now, I'm gonna turn over the next card.
I want you to concentrate and tell me what it is, okay?
And, remember, there are no wrong answers here,
so, just tell me what you think it is
as soon as I flip it over, okay?
That's a dead puppy-doggy.
Okay. You don't have to answer right away.
Okay? You can take time to think and be sure about what you see.
- You understand? - Uh-huh.
All right, now, Tammy, you just give it...
That's a dead puppy-doggy that got cut open by a knife.
Okay. Oh.
Like we said, there are no wrong answers here,
so, let's just try another one.
- That's mommy and daddy. - Okay. Good.
Mommy and daddy. That's great, Tammy.
- Mommy's cooking for daddy. - All right!
See? That's a really nice thing for mom...
Mommy's putting smashed-up glass in daddy's soup
to make him cry.
For mommy to do.
Doctor Donovan, Charles Carroll's on line two.
Dude, I am having the best day
- and I just had to share. -Great, man. What's goin' on?
I am the proud owner of a brand-new date next Tuesday night.
With a woman? How'd you pull that at 11:30 in the morning?
- You been drinkin'? -It's never too early for the nectar of love,
my friend.
And don't get all weird on me,
but this Angela chick, she could be the one.
Oh, man! You don't know this chick.
Oh, come on! I'm happy. Leave me alone.
No, I'm just saying,
you know how you get. Gee, thanks, Oprah. Can I come on your show?
- I'm having this problem with my best friend. - First of all,
you ever watch Oprah? Maybe you should. Oprah knows her shit.
Second, what do you know about this chick
- that makes you think she could be the one? - I know enough.
Really? She a Yankee fan or Mets?
She like Belgian beer like you
or does she have to keep things gluten-free?
Does she actually laugh at "groundhog day"
or does she wonder why the fuck
- bill Murray keeps trying to kill himself? - You don't make sense.
The most important things to know,
they are not, but relevant "the one" assessment material?
You might say. I'm just sayin'
take in a little bit more data before you fuckin' propose.
All right. She could turn out to be a serial killer.
Trust me when I say this.
They come from places you would never suspect.
I have no idea what that means.
Look, man. That's cool about the date
that's cool about teeing her up on a "c" night.
"C" night? What are you talking about?
- We're going out Tuesday. - Exactly. Tuesday night.
Nothin' too serious, just wanna have a little fun.
Not wasting an "a" or "b" night. Strong work.
She did suggest Tuesday. I kinda went along with it.
- You still there? - Yeah. Look,
I gotta get back to little Jeffrey Dahmer here
but try to keep things in perspective, okay?
Okay. Okay, fine. Be gone with you.
Oh, and by the way...
She's the one.
Ah, well, she's not the one.
She's definitely not the one.
Angela's ancient history.
Do we gotta keep talking about it?
Incessant whining is driving me fucking crazy.
Angela aside, what kind of therapist
drops someone as fucked up as you?
Ah, well. It's not all that bad.
He said we could still be friends.
Take the cash you were giving
Dr. "don't call me, I'll call you"
and put it towards full-body massages twice a week.
Then you see how many problems you still have.
Yeah, I don't really see how
that's gonna help me find Mrs. right, but sure.
- Whoo! - Dude, come on.
- You can't do that. - What?
'Cause I'm not cute and cuddly, me taking a leak
somehow defiles the dog-piss-laced pavement
- we've been runnin' on since 72nd street? -Yeah.
Come on, man. My prostate's the size of a fuckin' honeydew.
- You see?
For cryin' out loud, lady, you're carrying a bag of shit.
Huh?
You need to quit your cryin'.
It's not like you couldn't see this comin'.
- What? - What? I...
- Don't... - Come here.
- Okay. - Huh?
All right.
- Pearl harbor...
Is that why we are fighting?
Or is it because of...
Britain?
Whoo!
Oh, my god.
Hey there, fly girl. I got your text.
- Charlie!
Oh, my god! You have to do a shot.
These Irish car bombs, they're so good.
Actually, you know what?
- I'm good. - Shots! Shots all around!
Yeah, maybe just one more 'cause Anne and I were gonna go.
You know what I mean? Sex.
- Right. - Oh!
- Oh, my god. - Whoa!
Oopsie-Daisy, Angela has arrived!
- Come on. That's okay.
- Help me up.
You all right? Maybe we should get her to bed.
Huh?
Oh, shit!
You guys are a bunch of fuckin' amateurs.
Whoo! That was fun!
Okay. Here we go.
Let me just...
Okay, you wanna split?
Whoever he is, seems to be able to handle it.
- I bet. -To the extent that either of you are worried,
- I'll be leaving momentarily. - No, Charlie!
See? She's fine.
So let's... Go dress up like robots
and sniff each other's panties.
Warning. Warning.
Remember that?
You're not gonna let her sleep in all those clothes, are ya?
Okay! We can go now!
- Yeah? - I think he's gay.
Hey! Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Okay.
Your phone is right by your bed here.
I pre-dialed 9-1-1, so, if you get
into any trouble during the night all you have to do
- is push the green button. - Oh.
- Okay? - Okay.
As long as you can make it through the night
without the use of paramedic care, which...
If practice makes perfect, I don't think you'll have a problem with.
A glass of water and some stuff for your head right next to your phone.
- Hmm. - Beyond that...
- I gotta go. - Shit.
I'm sorry. I really like you.
I do. You're a good guy.
Oh, god. I'm a mess right now.
Look at me. You probably hate me.
- I don't hate you. - I would hate me.
Oh, fuck. Please, just promise me
that you'll go out with me again.
Please? No drinking. We'll go see a movie. It'll be so fun.
What about Friday? Are you free?
I was thinking Monday.
Just kidding. Whenever you want.
Whenever. It'll be so fun.
Huh? Yeah?
You are somethin' else, you know that?
I know.
So, why not go out with me?
What's the worst that can happen?
When Brice asked me to be his best man,
a lot of memories flashed through my mind.
In fact, I can vividly remember the first time
I ever saw Rebecca and Brice together, huh?
It was red lobster, Brice's 29th birthday.
Fuckin' all you can eat popcorn shrimp
I knew at that very moment
I could see it in her eyes. Brice should absolutely
under no circumstances marry this woman!
But, of course, I said nothing and, now
2 1/2 years later, here we are.
To the happy un-couple!
- My man.
Thank you, Vince! Thanks to all of you
for being here to help celebrate this truly special day.
- It really does mean the world. -You guys know Brice is an asshole, right?
You may have noticed that my wife Rebecca won't be joining us tonight.
Yeah, but, at least he's our asshole.
That's because I have divorced that cheating bitch effective today!
She does send her regards from the throes of hell.
Plus some of the shit this asshole spews... it's fun to watch.
It's official, so let me go ahead
and set a couple things straight.
First, yes... These are real.
And, second, yes...
Sexy ladies of New York City...
All of you...
Not you! That's fucked up. She's my cousin.
- She's my cousin. - Fucking with you.
But sexy ladies of New York City,
I am totally fucking available
to crush ass and/or pussy any time you want!
Take these motherfuckin' divorce papers!
I'll take these divorce papers from the bottom of my dick!
- Take it from my dick!
- Mmm. Oh... - All right.
That hurts good.
All right. I'm gonna go.
- Oh! - Seriously, though
- I kind of... - Okay, okay, okay.
I don't know what it is...
I just kind of don't even know where to start with all this.
- That's the thing. -I bet you don't, Charlie.
All right? That's natural.
I didn't know how good I had it single until I got married.
- Never do that again. No offense, buddy. -Right.
- Kathy's a... -no, no, listen. I understand
that sounds good, but I think it...
I think it's too good to be true. Am I right?
I have way more sex single than I ever had married.
- Come... really? -Yes and what's better than a fuckin' one-night stand?
There's no commitment.
There's no annoying neediness or feelings.
And when she spreads her legs free of obligation
of commitment, of the need to give her half of what you own...
You can't have half of this,
not without one of these, my friends.
That free-market pussy is gold!
- Gold, huh? -A coveted commodity that appreciates
in a down economy? You bet it's fuckin' gold.
And you need to hoard as much of that gold as you can
while the single man's liquidity proposition still exists...
- Jesus Christ. - My friend.
Forget about Angela. You realize the next time
you're in a relationship, ain't no more upticks in the old portfolio,
and cheap it is not.
Tradin' out of the position... boom! Crush ass.
I understand that your business school outlook on getting pussy
might be a bit unique
but, I don't know, I'm just fucked, man
- after Angela. - You're not fucked!
I'm fucked. I don't think I can crush anything right now.
- I don't even know where to start. - Charlie.
It's like candy from a baby. It goes like this...
First, you gotta identify the target.
No, not her.
No! Not even close.
Boom! Her. The one not over at the bar.
Instead, attacking that BlackBerry with the same intense precision
that'll come in handy for you in just a few short hours.
There'll be some competition for her, but nothing you can't handle.
This chick is annoyed that Vanessa
from up on the bar is getting the attention.
So you give it to her... All the attention she needs.
- Okay, I'm buyin'. Now what? - Next, make sure she knows
that you're a nice guy, okay?
And this is important, so pay attention.
You're a nice guy who she will never see again.
That she'll never see again? I don't get it.
Think back to college... Spring break, specifically.
Nice girls let their sexual cats out of the bag all spring break long
on south padre island because they know when they get home,
it'll be right back to prim and proper, smart and respectable
without anyone around to say otherwise.
- This is N.Y.C., not spring break, right? -Exactly!
Which is why you're flying back to L.A. in the morning
or you're fucking moving to Nepal on Tuesday... whatever.
Whatever words go from your lips to her ears
letting her know that she will never see you again.
And, then, just like spring break,
the farther away she thinks you'll be next week,
the more likely she is to do something erotic in the sack tonight.
Okay, okay. Listen. It's kind of unfair to know this stuff,
but what's next?
So then you establish touch and get her comfortable
not just with the look of you, but with the feel of you.
Stand close to her. Let her start to like it.
And, remember, part of the beauty of this chick
is that she's not out with some cock-blocking protector friend
who couldn't get herself laid
and now needs to pull a guilt-trip on your girl.
'Cause she's normally the protector friend.
Boom! Now you're with me.
And, then, fellows, close the deal.
No hesitation. Don't ask permission
just go over to the bartender, cash out your bill.
Tell her it's time to get her out of all these wet things.
Wait for those easy b.F.F.S of hers
to pull their Irish good-byes, and go in for the kill.
Under no circumstances should you ever, never, ever
let her think.
- You might actually be the devil.
Or kind of brilliant in a... if in a Machiavellian sort of way,
but, thank you.
Thank you guys for sharing.
It's like Oprah says, "for every one of us
that succeeds, it's because there's somebody
there to show you the way out.
The path to knowledge is never without a price.
- Look, you know I would love to be there, but i... -don't wanna come.
- Got it. -No, no. I wanna come. I cannot come.
Angela's parents hate me as it is.
If I blow off another dinner, it'll be world war III.
- You're being stupid. You love my debate parties. -Yeah, I thought
you missing a presidential debate was like
- a Brangelina baby not being adorable. -Hmm.
Seriously, you know Vince and I've been planning for weeks.
- I know. -Oh, hey. Check it out. It's her.
God, I barely recognize her.
- Why isn't she wearing glasses? - She got Lasik, okay?
I don't see what's so hot about her in the first place.
- Yeah, I gotta go "work hot" on this one. -Guys
guys, she's, like, hot-hot.
I admit, I kind of wanna touch her hair
but she's no Elisa from tech support.
That's true. I'd do her in a second.
- I'd do her in a second. -Everyone would do Elisa in tech support.
- In fact, I think most have. So what? -Are you okay?
Charlie, is this a "sexy librarian" thing?
'Cause even putting club clothes on a woman with that little makeup
is not gonna get hot out of "work hot."
I don't know how many times I have to say this,
club clothes, unattractive.
I mean, she's jeans and t-shirt.
She doesn't need makeup. She's just as hot out of work,
as she is in it. Maybe hotter.
- Oh, she's really nice. - She does seem nice.
I bet she'd let her boyfriend come to my debate party.
Oh, my god. I don't know what Vince has been telling you
while Angela and I might be in a rut right now
I don't need it from the peanut gallery.
- Okay. - Oh. What about her?
- Okay, so then she's fired. - Oh, totally.
She's gone. Who's next?
Okay, only, uh...
17 more to go.
- Andrew Feldman. - Who?
Is that that douchey old guy who sits next to the copy room?
No, you're thinkin' of Juliana. Andrew's the vomiter
from last year's white castle eating contest.
Right! Yes! Double-stacker. Cool guy.
All righty. Is white castle guy
the next one to get laid off?
My sources say... No.
Oh, man! That dog!
Oh, no!
I totally could've made that kid cry at his exit interview.
- All right. Next. - Oh! Speak of the devil.
Miss Juliana McCarthy! Come on down!
Is douchey old guy gettin' the boot?
It is... Decidedly so!
Hey, guys, um...
In regards to Juliana,
I realize from an efficiency perspective
the eight-ball may be faster,
but she's good with clients.
- And she's got kids. -You wanna do two-outta-three or something?
- Look... - Charlie.
Chu... Charlie. Um...
If it's not one douchey old guy with kids it's gonna be another one,
and if we don't fire her today,
in this economy,
we're gonna do it tomorrow or next week.
So...
I mean, it's not personal. It's just business.
Even so, it feels like we're screwing people
- without considering the facts. - Come on, guy.
There's a lot of money to be made in screwing people
without considering facts. Have you never made
a health insurance claim?
Look, it's supply and demand.
Right now, there is an over-supply in the system
that needs to get flushed out.
But, hey, if you really want to save
this sorry-sack's job, you can just offer up your own, my man.
No reason why the name on top of that severance package can't change
- just like that. - You're serious?
Thank you so much for your question.
Just a great, great question,
and I understand your frustration.
You see, my friends, it's this kind of political cow-towing
to the special interests that causes good people
like my dear friend, Linda Lafferty,
a political pawn from hocking, Ohio
to hate big-spending earmarks with all her heart.
Especially those, I might add, put forth
by non-natural-born American citizens.
Bollocks! Absolute bollocks!
That accusation's preposterous, governor.
And I, for one, can't stand for it.
- Yeah, no shit. -Oh. You're at the bar.
- Yeah. I needed a drink. - Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh. Lip gloss.
Your folks hit traffic?
May I remind you, we're operating under rules you signed off on.
- I afraid... -i can't help but point out
that I am the only one in this room
- wearing a flag pin. -Come on, guys. Enough already.
With my alotted ten minutes,
so if you'll just give me that, gentlemen...
Charles? Charles? Your shirt.
- Chuck! - Jesus. Angela.
- It's been kind of a tough day. - Yeah?
So long a day that you forgot to wear the shirt
we talked about this morning that my mom gave you
- for your birthday? - Oh, shit.
- Yeah. "Shit." - I...
- Two, three, four. - Doom and gloom...
Gentlemen... Gentlemen, please!
Another vodka tonic, sir?
Uh, he will have a vodka soda
and I will have a Martini dry.
My opponent has spent two hours...
Angela, is this really necessary?
- I don't wanna fight with you. - I don't wanna fight neither.
- Bring it down. -It probably hasn't been the best day
to have your parents talk at me.
Hang in there tonight, okay?
- Great friend. Great patriot. - And if you can do me a favor
please don't get them started on politics.
You, sir, are a douchebag.
I'm sorry, that is not happening.
Such a shame, really.
You limousine liberals with all your regulations.
Oh, dad! You know it's not like that.
Oh, please, honey. It is just like that.
First off, I have to hire all of these unqualified
affirmative action workers and, now, all of a sudden
I got the gay patrol up my ass with their rainbows
telling me about getting married.
What's that gonna cost my insurance rates, these days?
We're already paying for maternity leave, aren't I?
- Well, never mind the immigrants. - Yeah.
Do you know, just the other day, Margot Pendergast
told me that her nanny, Consuela... or was it Alejandra?
I don't know. One of those Mexican names you cannot spell.
Anyway, she actually asked for mother's day as a vacation day.
Can you imagine, mother's day?
Sweetheart, this is what I'm talking about.
They come to this country and they want it all.
They want the American dream.
Why here do they want the American dream is my question?
What are you supposed to do on mother's day
- two toddlers and no nanny? - -Incroyable!
Arriba, arriba!
Everybody's against us rich folks, nowadays.
People like you, Charles.
People with petty, little equal rights problems.
- she's fired. -What the fuck is that noise?
I remind you that we are operating under rules that you signed off on.
- Gentlemen, please. -Can I ask you again, Charles...
Is this a sexy librarian thing?
Another vodka tonic, sir?
My sources say, no.
- Do they ever! - Ever!
Yeah, there's a lot of money to made in screwing people.
Resulting in your eternal damnation straight to hell.
Decidedly so! - You need to quit your bitching.
It's not like...
Two daughters and no nanny.
The names on that severance package can be changed just like that.
I quit my job today.
- You did what? - Well, not really quit.
They offered me a layoff and I took it.
- Seriously. -Is this some sort of joke?
- No. - Well, Charles, um...
Why on earth would you do such a foolish thing?
Oh, see. I don't think it's that foolish.
- Okay. - I just thought,
"isn't it better to stop lying to myself?"
Mm. Like this tastes like shit.
Uh, ooh, could we please get a bottle of vodka
and a bottle of tonic?
- I'm just kidding.
I mean, this guy.
You know, it's kind of like what Oprah says about luck,
- isn't it? -I gotta say you're really not
- making a whole lot of sense. - What is he talking about?
No, it's perfect. It's when preparation meets opportunity.
- Right, honey? - What the fuck?
You know, honey,
I always knew there was something wrong with this guy.
- Whoa. Whoa. Wrong with me? - "Whoa. Whoa."
- There's nothing wrong with me. - Oh.
Maybe there is something wrong with me.
I have a pretty good idea, Ron. Do you?
Charles, stop.
Sweetie, I think your parents are more than happy
to sit here and smile while I talk at them.
Right back at ya, pal.
I'm sorry... "converse with them."
- Hmm. -We could all converse, right?
About how Margot's nanny wants to spend mother's day
with her own kids.
You remember the nanny, right? She's the immigrant
who pays taxes, takes a job that Margot clearly doesn't want...
Namely, raising Margot's kids...
Jesus Christ.
The balls on this guy.
- Yeah. -Pal, let me tell ya something.
You got a lot of nerve talking like that
- when you're a guest at my table. - I'm sorry.
- Your table? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Charles, are you gonna pay
- for a change?
Really, Ron? Really?
You'd allow me to do that?
'Cause as of right now we're currently under
the "you-pay" status quo which is a...
Truly great arrangement, by the way.
You pay and I get to sit here and listen to you talk about
how gay people shouldn't have the right to get married.
It's truly enlightening.
Why stop there? I bet we could get all the queers
to sit at the back of the bus.
Drink at their own water fountain.
Or, hell, I bet that we could get them to speak in
their own governmentally mandated dialect.
- Well, okay, Charlie. - I sure enough hopes
one day I's gonna gets me to be a house homosexual
'cause bein' a field homosexual just ain't no fun.
- Charles!
Mom, dad, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's gotten into him.
My parents brought us to this lovely dinner.
This is not the kind of treatment that anyone deserves.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
No one deserves to be treated this way.
That's why you folks will never have to deal with it again.
- There you go, Ron.
Thank you, sweetheart... For everything.
You know, for a while there, we...
We really were somethin'.
Oh, my god. Are you getting back out there? Are you dating?
I haven't really put myself out there.
I did do this speed-dating thing last week.
Speed dating? Are people still speed dating?
- People are still speed dating? - Was it fun?
Yeah, well, you get about a minute
before you move on to the next person, so I thought
just put yourself out there, just go for it.
- That makes sense. - Which was all fine
until the first woman that I talked to
woman number... Woman number 24.
- She was hard of hearing. - Lucky number twenty...
As in disability hard of hearing?
Oh, you betcha. And when my...
My whole opening line was about how I was excited to be there
'cause I was finally having a chance to get away from my wife...
- Yeah, funny. - Which is funny, right?
- Yes, yes. -She just meets me with a completely deadpan "what?"
"What" because she can't hear me
not "what" because she's pissed at me.
At this point she said nothing about being hearing impaired.
So, I just thought she was annoyed and...
- Oh! - Anyway.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh.
- That's fine. -That's not... oh, god.
She's still friended me on Facebook, so...
Oh, well, good. At least there's that.
- You know how to get in touch with her? -Yes.
God, Charlie. I know that it sucks out there.
It does, but I know that she's out there for you
- and I don't want you to miss her. - Did I mention my cataracts?
- They're just, like, full... - Hey, babe! Over here.
- Oh, hey, babe! -Oh. What's her name again?
- I have no idea. - We're all at the zoo
because of your fiancée's patient
- and you don't remember her name? - It's a kid. Who cares?
- Stupid kid name. -I'm sure her parents forget all the time.
If I remember your kid's name is Jonathan,
all that means is before I threw away that stupid
lame ass birth announcement you sent me
I typed the words "Jonathan"
into the address book of my Phonebook,
and I reviewed those notes before I may go out for dinner.
Which, likely, is probably
only the second dinner we've had in three years
due to the fact that you gave birth
to little Jonathan in the first place
and forgotten all about me and our friendship
yet, I'm the asshole because I can't remember
the name of the person who stole my friend
and who doesn't bother to put down the toy that I gave him
to come over and say hi to me when I come over to visit.
I don't think so.
Have you ever considered therapy?
- Me! - Love you.
- Angry! Angry! - Okay!
All right there, you beautiful young one.
- Oh, my god. Is this it? - You know it, baby girl.
- Holy shit, it's the banker habitat. - It's amazing!
I could've sworn, aren't bankers endangered?
It's really fascinating, actually.
Apparently, it took years to catch the first few,
but once they figured out how to get them to mate in captivity,
- now all the zoos are starting to feature 'em. - They're kinda scary.
- Ferocious. -Wanna know the most incredible part?
After zookeepers tried everything... piles of cash
for them to play in, bowls of coke...
Everything... they're totally immune to porn.
Turns out all they had to do was call the females
"interns" and little banker babies started shooting out
of those habitat board rooms
faster than Lehman brothers became synonymous with welfare.
Man, that's so crazy. Feels kinda cool to be this close to 'em.
It's really cool, but it's good we're not any closer.
Word is, they like to throw their own shit.
Poop. Throw their own poop.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as I have said many times before,
and as I now will say again,
your unemployment forms will not be deemed complete
by answering the questions with "please see résumé attached."
Do not ignore this warning if you want anyone in this room
to ever leave it.
Yo, man. Come on.
Oh, geez.
- Need one of these. -More than I ever thought possible.
- Well, then you're in luck. - Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you. Tough crowd.
Seriously. You'd think you'd
at least get sympathy for being unemployed.
I guess there's really no such thing as a free lunch, huh?
You're not kidding. You should see how much I charge for this pen.
- How much? - 50 bucks a day.
- Wow. Steep. -Yeah. Little steep for people unemployed.
I think so.
Attention, attention!
Having watched the required "jobs: Yes!" Slideshow
and having filled in your benefit forms,
you're nearly finished with today's mandatory session.
The first three hours were so much fun.
- They were, weren't they? - Yeah.
We have randomly selected from the collect forms
the names of ten people who are to participate
with one of our employment specialists
in an additional
45-minute session.
Who knows? Maybe you'll even find that job
today.
- Any questions? - Yeah.
What bribe gets you to not call my name?
Okay, if you are
not one of the ten names called,
- you will be free to go. - "The almighty tells me
he can get me out of this mess,
but he's pretty sure you're fucked."
"Braveheart"?
- Mr. Edward hart. - Fuck!
I want you to know, whatever happens
we'll always have Paris.
- Miss Barbara Robbins. - "Casablanca." Nice.
- Mr. Charles Carroll.
Hey! How ya doin'?
Mmm. No.
Too work-like.
You look like a friend of mine. Thanks, that's new.
You look really nice tonight.
You look really nice too. You look really familiar.
I know. Can I buy you a drink?
Hey. Oh, hey.
Hey. How you doing?
This is my first time here too.
Hey there. How you doin'?
I'm pretty good. How are you?
- I love this place. - I'm sorry,
what's your name again?
- That's funny, I never touch the stuff. - I don't eat meat.
- Definitely don't eat meat.
- I don't drink. - I'm a street performer.
- A lawyer. - Into safety words.
- Kafka. - Condiments.
Hats.
Not all drugs, just some drugs.
- I mean, I get it. - That and cocaine.
- You must be Indian. - Penis and all that.
- I don't really wanna talk to people. - Did is say that out loud?
I voted for bush...
Twice.
- What do you mean... - You don't...
have a job?
God, you sound just like my boyfriend.
Leone, party of four!
I'm convinced every sane woman in this city is taken.
- So fuckin' dramatic. - I'm tellin' ya
- these women are psycho. - -Oh, my god.
They can't all be that bad.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm the only person in the world who hates small talk.
Dude, everyone hates small talk.
- So what? -Really? Why do I feel like my head
is gonna explode in a hurricane of generic questions?
- Where are you from? - Where do you work?
- Where did you go to school? - You know,
the "am I better than you" questions.
Asking those is how you know you're a new yorker.
How much do you pay for your apartment?
- How many square feet? - What was your broker's fee?
I think this place is owned by the same guy
that owns Balthazar.
- You ever take a date there? - It's not that bad.
I'm sorry. What?
- I think it is that bad. - Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah.
Incomplete parties will not be seated.
Okay, Charlie.
You know what? I'm your friend.
I love you. We all love you
but you know what your problem is?
- You. - Excuse me?
Excuse you. Look, you're certainly not the first guy
to think he's some big deal for getting a lot of dates in this town.
That doesn't mean you have any idea what you're doing
when you're out with these women. Thank you.
Any guy with an American express card and a pulse can get a date.
There's like half a million more single women than men.
It's just that when you're out on these dates
it takes two to tango. That's all I'm saying.
- I am starving. Should I check with the hostess... -just face it.
We're never getting in.
And here's a new thought for you, I...
- Am not the problem. -I don't even know why I try.
Way to be introspective.
- Way to be open-minded. - I don't even know why
- I'd expect anything else. - Yeah, you're completely wrong.
- I cannot even believe you think that.
You know what? Whatever.
I'm gonna go talk to the hostess.
- Okay. - Okay.
Beyond that though, you've got an even bigger bugaboo
- since you're also not having sex.
- You're the one who said he hates small-talk. - He's got a point.
If you're not having sex,
you don't have the proper confidence.
Without that, you're sunk.
Oh, so I should just have sex then.
- Yes. -Without question. Easy as pie
- as soon as you do one simple thing. - What's that?
- Lower your standards. - Unbelievable.
Don't look at me like that.
It's downright insulting to women
if you don't try to have sex with them.
She may say no, but at least
she gets the pleasure of having to have
to give you the old Heisman.
- Oh, my god. - Look no one knows why this is.
Men are fucking disgusting.
How a woman could even be with a man
- is a miracle to us all. - Hetero guys for sure,
but let's face it, all guys
lose their sense of mojo without copulation.
- Stupid, but true. -Bingo! And this is not rocket science.
This is man-woman, part-part, plug-and-play.
You don't think she's very smart?
Fine, but she's attractive? Have sex with her.
You don't like her politics,
her taste in shoes,
her pronunciation of her name,
her inability to read, speak in complete,
fully-formed sentences, load dishwasher,
pass fuckin' gas... but you think she's kinda nice,
have sex with her.
Have sex with her and a few other chicks like her.
Then walk into a date with a woman
you actually do like carrying a brand-new mojo.
The confident, "I have sex all the time, mother fucker,
so get up on this dick" mojo,
then have sex with that chick... hell, maybe even marry her.
I don't know. What I do know.
We will all be a lot happier
waiting in this line next week
talking about something other than your fucking lacking-sex-life.
I know this is hard to hear. I get it.
But that's why I'm tellin' you. We love you.
All right? We love you, Charlie. So just listen up.
Hey, so we're not having brunch
but listen to the advice from this guy.
- Hmm. -You give the best advice ever.
Mmm! Look, Charlie,
just be nice to these women.
Okay? Embrace them for who they are.
Right. Straight outta sing sing.
- Oh! - Ha! Found it!
- Oh. -What's vodka without limes, right?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Cheers. Vodka tonics
and I are like...
Oh, I only had soda. I hope that's okay.
It's fine. It's fine.
It's just fine.
Soda's just fine.
Your apartment's nice.
- Thanks. - Yeah. Sure.
Um, I bet you get really nice light in here.
- Hmm. -And you had a low broker's fee.
Um, Charlie...
Are you okay?
Fine. Fine.
You are just fine.
You are just motherfucking fine.
Don't be conflicted. Don't be weird.
You go in there, you drink your vodka-goddamn-soda,
you take that woman's clothes off,
and you get your mojo back.
Oh, hey.
Mary, it's kind of dark. I can't really see you.
Don't worry, tiger. I've got you covered.
Ha-ha!
Like that.
- Oh.
More personal than intercourse, my ass!
What makes you so entitled to make that request, anyway?
Yeah. Excuse me, but I am not aroused
by triggering my gag reflex.
- No woman is a fucking sex slave. - No more crap about semen
- being good for your hair or your skin, either. -No.
It's not good for anything except for when it comes out your dick,
- it's good for you. -Can you believe the son-of-a-bitch
- ate asparagus last night? - Oh, my god!
- Asparagus. - You sick fuck!
What is pineapple juice beneath you?
I'm sorry, but I like it.
It's delicious and refreshing.
It doesn't make my pussy taste bitter.
- Maybe you enjoy demeaning women. - I wax my fucking pussy
and you can't wax your fucking dick!
No, you can't wax your dick.
- You enjoy demeaning women? -Fucking blowjobs and television sports!
- You motherfucker! TV is all you care about. - That's all you care about.
Nobody cares about your fucking fantasy teams.
- Turn it off and take out the trash! - Turn it off.
- Oh, Christ.
Do you know how many "do-not-answers"
- I have this week alone? - No, I don't. I don't.
Corinne Makinen, do not answer.
Julia Cunningham, do not answer.
"Blind date girl," "hot coffee chick"
Internet dates 13-37... wanna know what comes up when they call?
- "Do not answer," betting. - "Do not answer." Yeah.
About the only phone call I can take these days is from my mom.
All she ever want to know is when am I gonna get another job?
Shit, man. Even when you call
all I can ever think about is the happiness that you've found with Kathy.
- Thanks, man. -And about how, one day, I'll die
having never found that kind of love myself.
Okay, we're gonna stop this conversation
but, I gotta say, relationships are hard.
The one thing I'm not gonna do is sit here
and listen to how easy everybody else has it.
I've said this before, but I'm gonna say it again.
You gotta quit tryin' so god damn hard.
Treat women like basketball. No more no-look passes
through traffic trying to get the easy layup.
Let the game come to you. Play good defense.
Limit your turnovers. Get the open look of the broken play.
- Hit the shot. -I'm like a one-armed wilt Chamberlain out there.
Okay. No. You may be right. I'm no expert.
Instead of coming up with a solid game plan aimed at victory
it's probably better to complain instead.
I'm sorry, man.
I know you're right. You know?
- I just... - No, look. I get it.
I do. Look, I feel for ya.
I'm really glad that we had
this little talk, but, uh...
If it's okay with you...
How 'bout I get married?
It sure has been a long time. Congratulations.
Thank you. I'm sure they'll have many happy years together.
Now, you two, don't be strangers.
You're not gonna get away from us just yet.
Not without us first seeing that young lady friend of yours.
Oh, yes! We haven't seen her tonight. What was her name?
- Angela. - Angela! That's right.
- Such nice hair and skin. - And so sweet.
- Just go. - Hey!
- Where can we find her?
- Okay. Okay. -I'm sorry. Would you excuse me?
- Guys, no! -You know, you have "resting bitch face"
- but I have something for you. - You arrogant punk.
- I will throw you out on your ear! - Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey. Fellas, fellas. We are at a wedding.
A wedding of two people we love very much.
Which is why we are going to keep our heads.
Just for one day, hmm? We're gonna have a very nice time.
We're gonna enjoy this wonderfully generous open bar, okay?
I'm sorry, sir. Could you please give Mr. Tucker another drink?
Here you go. And...
We're gonna apologize.
Now, that's what I'm talkin' about right there.
That's a wonderfully hospitable gesture. Wouldn't you say?
Adorable!
What is wrong with you, Brice?
You don't think he's adorable?
You're a member of the wedding party, for Christ sake.
You can't avoid an all-out brawl by, what, your third drink?
- Fucker sat in my chair. - He sat in your chair?
He's the father of the goddamn bride.
All right. Whatever. He should know better.
Just for the record, this is my fourth drink.
You could try to be, like, this much less of an asshole.
- Oh, please. -You wanna do this narcissistic shit
on your own time, be my guest.
But at least try not to do it at your friend's wedding.
- Hmm? -You're one to talk. You don't think
your self-involved brooding over every chick
- you've ever dated since birth is getting old? - You know what?
- Fuck you, dude. - Oh, shit.
What's with the potty-mouth all of a sudden?
I do have a potty-mouth and this potty-mouth is sick of your shit.
My shit? 'Cause you would never cause a scene
at a friend's wedding, would you?
- You're a dick. - Christ, dude.
Your ex didn't waste any time getting her shit back together.
- What's your problem? -What are you talking about?
Like you don't know Angela got engaged.
The carrots are shit. You're a nice guy, man.
Okay? A little boring, but Vince likes you
so you can't be that bad, but...
You gotta get your shit together.
Here.
Do us both a favor
suck on one of those for a little while and just keep quiet.
We got a nice, long night ahead of us. We're gonna calm down
shake it off, drink some drinks
smoke some stogies and crush
oh, yeah. A little ass.
Hoo-ah! Good talk. This is yours.
I'd like to propose a toast
to my best buddy, Charlie, who, god help us all,
- is about to give his best man speech.
To Charlie Carroll!
When I first met Charlie, I thought he was a complete idiot.
Then he opened his mouth... And proved me right.
Come on, Charlie. Come on up here.
- Charlie!
Hold on, now, Charlie. Where's that young lady friend of yours?
Yes, Angela. Such a pretty girl.
Did I mention, my new fiancée's got a really big dick.
Quite a bit more sizeable than yours, Charles.
I definitely love middle-of-the-night sex with him.
Little guy.
You sick...
- You shouldn't be giving a speech. - Oh, god.
That'd be the perfect way to hear about every chick you've dated since birth.
Probably better to complain instead.
- Where do you work? - Any man with a pulse
- and an American express can get a date. - Where Di you go to school?
Asparagus!
- Yeah, I don't eat meat. - Where did you go to school?
Because something's wrong with him.
- Anybody can see that. - Way to be introspective.
Right, 'cause you would never cause a scene at a friend's wedding?
You know what your problem is Charlie? You.
- To Kathy and Vince.
Hey, that was a really amazing speech you gave.
Thank you very much. I wish I could remember it.
- Wow. - Yeah.
I've never seen an entire crowd in tears like that.
And the way you delivered it
like, almost catatonic at times.
It was... it was moving, to say the least.
Well, here's to what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity."
You don't, uh...
Recognize me, do you?
It's okay. It'll come to you.
"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow
- but soon and for the rest of your life." -Holy shit.
- Oh, my god. -Thought bogie'd shake it out of you.
- Yeah, it's okay. Lorelei, by the way. - Charlie.
I... I didn't ask for you number that day.
I've been regretting it ever since.
Really? I did not see that coming.
I swear to god. True story.
You... you were so charming.
- Infinitely better than yes!" Video. -Oh.
- That was a good one. - So, please, um...
Accept my apology for my non-attempt
it was... clearly uncalled for.
Well, now that I've heard the part of your speech
where vegetarianism abandoned you.
Holy cow, by the way.
You know, maybe I can let this one slide.
Well, I won't make that mistake twice, so, you know.
- Beware. - Well.
Although, I must say that you're lucky
'cause a girl, not quite as confident as me, might
worry or wonder why a guy or gentleman, such as yourself
didn't ask for her number.
She could wonder for a whole ten minutes.
- Could leave a scar. - Oh, scars.
Well, that is something that I know a lot about.
But, to be honest, there's nothing to wonder.
You, i...
God, I was thrilled with.
Me, on the other hand, then, not so much.
- Mr. damaged goods. - Oh!
I should put that on my driver's license.
- Definitely should. The rebound. - Yeah.
Of course, compounded by the job situation.
I'm still unemployed, by the way,
but I'm sure you can understand.
No, actually, I got a job a few months ago.
- But you get it. So, um...
I was getting out of this relationship with this girl Angela,
and, I don't know,
the thing about Angela...
The thing about her is...
She's in the past.
And I live here in reality.
It's great to see you, by the way.
It's great to see you too.
I love this song.
No, seriously, do you remember this song?
- Yeah, how could I forget it? - Back in the day.
- I adore this song. - That's good.
- I used to roller skate to this song. - Shut up.
- Yeah. Totally did. -I used to roller skate to this song.
- Okay. -I swear. Yeah. "Backward skate.
Backward skate only please.
Backward skate. Reverse."
Oh. Yeah. I remember that.
But, you know, I can probably do you one better.
"Couples skate only, please. Couples skate only.
All other skaters please clear the floor."
Now, I know what you're thinking.
But the point here isn't Lorelei turning out to be the one.
No, for me, that weekend it was good enough
to see some old friends united with their "ones."
A nice reminder to help get me on my way.
Interestingly, however
even though it took some time off relaxing,
attaining the finer appreciation for introspection
finding a therapist willing to discard Ibizan philosophies
in exchange for more helpful, Swedish techniques...
And, of course, getting a well-earned case of the clap.
I finally got my act together,
created a bit of my own luck
and faced life, at long last, happier.
- To me, really, that's the crazy part.
Rather than putting on a show to create psychological band-aids,
going out of our way to hide our feelings,
perhaps we can start by taking comfort
in the experiences themselves...
Both good and bad.
The ones that come with loving another person...
And being lucky enough to be loved in return.
Life's valleys...
And, especially, life's peaks.
Feeling them at their fullest
and reminding us why it's so great
simply being alive in the first place.
Living live filled with love... real love...
That we get to feel.
Honoring the rare treasures of those relationships
by simply sitting back...
Being thankful for our lives...
And enjoying the ride.
At least, I think that's what Oprah says.
Hey, give me a hand, buddy. Okay, come on.
All right. Good-bye, Charles.
See ya.
Let's see what he left me.
That'll cover the drinks.
You know, uh, in America, we're gentlemen.
Gentlemen give each other time to speak.
So, if you'd... Just let me finish.
Leone, party of four. Leone? Party of four.
Leon? Leone? Leone, party of four.
Yeah, it's catchy like the clap, all right.
- I have the clap.
It's like maybe inviting another girl into the bedroom.
Maybe you could watch us?
- Astronomical. - Wow.
Yeah. Businesswoman. Can somebody get me a job?
- Earth to dipshit. Turn the TV off! - Turn it off!
- Turn it the fuck off! - Turn that fucking TV off!
- Turn it off. - Turn it off.
Off. Off.
Off!
That's because something's wrong with him.
Anybody can see that.
It's because something's wrong with him.
Anybody could see that.
Mmm. Excuse me.
It's because something's wrong with him.
Anybody can see that. Ben?
- Anything else?
Right, because on this dark street
these two huge thugs with machetes...
- And nunchucks. - And really bad skin.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Holy shit. Seriously? - Yeah, I know.
The compromises, the... what the fuck?
- "The relationship compromises. " -Compromises.
- Aw, fuck me! Fuck me hard!
- Fuck me so fuckin' hard.
Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
Resulting in your eternal damnation
straight to hell.
Oh, stop it.
Hey, what?
It was vodka without limes, right?
- Yeah. - Hope you're thirsty.
Marking!
Oh!
Awesome.
- And... go. - Oh, no, let go!
Which meant he knew how to maximize our animalistic impulses,
optimally heightening our sexual stimuli.
Five orgasms. Cinco orgasmos.
You look like you've done a lot of drugs.
- We've got... - America. Okay?
America, not Britain.
I'm wearing the fucking flag pin.
Come on. Look, she's fine.
I'll let you do that thing to me that you really like.
I have, like, a whole lotta lube.
Fuck this! Don't pay me enough.
- So, here we go. - -My god.
This is how I do Voiceovers
in my house.
Five, six, seven, eight...
So keep on rollin'
in the smokin' stroller.
Available at fine stores near you.
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
Okay.
Let's just keep doin' it.
- That was so awesome! - -Okay.
- We're in the pocket. - -That was the best one.
That was best one.
Wanna do another one?
- That's a jingle, man. - That was a good one.
- Damn! - -Did we get it?
"67 donkeys," take 5
- how many donkeys? - -67.
So, like, here?
Little higher.
There.