1
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6
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:46,899
Yea?

7
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:49,899
Oh Shit!

8
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,399
Not what it looks like babe.

9
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,399
You're fucking my sister?

10
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,400
[Sighs]

11
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:58,899
You piece of shit!

12
00:00:58,900 --> 00:00:59,899
Baby. Baby!

13
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:01,400
Don't "Baby" me.

14
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:02,699
I thought you loved me.

15
00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:03,699
I do.

16
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:04,900
AH!

17
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,399
Oh, my God.

18
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,800
Hi, Mrs. LeFebre.

19
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:17,899
What happened to your purity ring?

20
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:18,400
Oh!

21
00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:20,899
I found it earlier.

22
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:21,900
Oh, dear God.

23
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,199
Look, Melissa, I am sorry.

24
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,899
I really am.

25
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:39,899
Oh, don't you touch her!

26
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:40,899
Okay. Okay.

27
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,399
I'm just going to grab
my things I'm gonna go.

28
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:44,399
Uh... [Bell Dings]

29
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,900
My underwear. My underwear?

30
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,900
Um, don't. I don't need it.

31
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:59,399
I mean, I feel horrible.

32
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,399
I genuinley, actually, liked her.

33
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,129
I mean we could talk, we could laugh,

34
00:02:06,130 --> 00:02:09,569
We cuddle. I mean we even
hated the same people.

35
00:02:09,570 --> 00:02:12,269
It's always nice when you
hate the same people.

36
00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:17,009
Is't it though? It's just not fun when you feel
like you're being judged for judging someone else.

37
00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:20,449
Me and Emily made fun of an
albino midget the other day.

38
00:02:20,450 --> 00:02:22,799
It was wrong, but romantic.

39
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,799
I envy you guys.

40
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,490
Then stop fuckin' up a good thing.

41
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:30,689
This is the third relationship
you've ruined in the last year.

42
00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:34,640
My DICK. The third relationship
my DICK has ruined.

43
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,129
You can't control your dick?

44
00:02:37,130 --> 00:02:40,359
It's like babysitting a
nine year old with A.D.D.

45
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:44,539
I mean you try your best until
he just wears you down.

46
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:47,779
Then you just give him whatever the hell
he wants until his parents come home.

47
00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:51,629
But. But! His parents never come home.

48
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:53,630
I can control mine.

49
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,239
Not to be a dick, but,

50
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,659
You're not presented with as many
"Ass Getting" opportunities as I am.

51
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:03,649
- Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?

52
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:03,660
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn
when Emily goes to bed. - Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?

53
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:09,229
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you
beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.

54
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:13,230
- Ok don't act like you're above me.
- It's not fucking other people.

55
00:03:14,420 --> 00:03:16,199
Ok. Hypothetical.

56
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:21,449
So, a HOT, green eyed Indian
girl walks up to you and

57
00:03:21,450 --> 00:03:23,109
BEGS you to fuck her.

58
00:03:23,110 --> 00:03:26,280
And there was no chance that Emily
would find out. You would not do that?

59
00:03:26,430 --> 00:03:26,939
No.

60
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,869
But you'd Want to right?
Isn't that just as bad?

61
00:03:29,870 --> 00:03:32,069
No it's only bad if you follow through.

62
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:34,239
Whatever. Whatever.

63
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:39,550
I mean we're just a bunch of bees trying
to beat Biology. Boom. Case in point.

64
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:43,310
I will be back.

65
00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:51,350
So.

66
00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,639
What is your name sweetheart?

67
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:54,619
Carrie.

68
00:03:54,620 --> 00:03:57,080
Carrie? Well I'm Rich.

69
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:02,360
I mean that's my name, although I'm
not struggling financially, so...

70
00:04:03,580 --> 00:04:05,270
You don't remember me do you?

71
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,269
Uh..

72
00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:08,949
Yes.

73
00:04:08,950 --> 00:04:13,069
Of course I remember you. Yea, no,
we hooked up last September right?

74
00:04:13,070 --> 00:04:18,790
And then you told me you loved me, and then your
Grandma died and then I deleted you from my phone.

75
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,479
[Group Clamor]

76
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,849
Oh my. Josh!
[Group Clamor]

77
00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:26,540
Oh my. Josh!

78
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:30,540
Uh your testicles are in your stomach.

79
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,990
K [Clears Throat] All right. Is there
anything that you can prescribe?

80
00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:38,169
Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.

81
00:04:38,170 --> 00:04:41,879
You should use plenty of ice,
substain from masturbation and

82
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,110
Elevate the scrotum as often as possible.

83
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,859
What about sex?

84
00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:48,860
Oh I wouldn't reccomend it.

85
00:04:49,050 --> 00:04:50,859
Well what would happen if I did?

86
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,380
Well I can't be sure.

87
00:04:52,790 --> 00:04:55,520
Your insurance wouldn't pay for it. [Laughs]

88
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:59,650
But seriously, no sex for six weeks.

89
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:20,090
Pregnancy tests are right over here.
Was there a special one you wanted?

90
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,430
I don't know. Which ones the best?

91
00:05:21,490 --> 00:05:24,489
Well We've got plus-minus,
we've got blue-red.

92
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:27,129
And we've got crying baby-smiling woman.

93
00:05:27,130 --> 00:05:29,129
- Plus-minus.
- Excuse me?

94
00:05:29,130 --> 00:05:34,019
Plus-minus. Ya know, it's the easiest one to
manipulate if you don't like the results.

95
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:35,909
Yea but that doesn't get rid of the baby.

96
00:05:35,910 --> 00:05:37,910
Well it will until you start to show.

97
00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:41,640
Plus-minus.

98
00:05:43,190 --> 00:05:47,369
You know it's not for me. It's for my friend. She
was too emabarrased to come here herself, so.

99
00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:48,969
No need to explain.

100
00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:51,389
Well I don't want you to think I'm
this slut who thinks he's pregnant.

101
00:05:51,390 --> 00:05:54,879
Well I don't want you to think I'm some freak
who plays around with pregnancy tests.

102
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,679
Yea how did you know that by the way?

103
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,939
It was part of a prank that we
played on this girl in college.

104
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:01,940
You turned the negative into a positive?

105
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:03,939
No a positive into a negative.

106
00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:07,319
And she started to grow, she
had no clue what was going on.

107
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,839
God thats horrible.

108
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,789
Yea and I started to feel guilty when she
took up smoking to deal with the weight gain.

109
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:13,929
Thats evil.

110
00:06:13,930 --> 00:06:15,930
Yea.

111
00:06:16,570 --> 00:06:17,930
Is that cherry?

112
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:19,930
Piña Coladas better.

113
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:22,479
Wow you're a slurpy girl.

114
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,929
Ya know, I thought big glasses,
Caramel Macchiato girl.

115
00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:29,599
- Who says I can't do both?
- Versilte. I like that.

116
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,959
Gilrs gotta get her sugar
from different sources.

117
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,739
In case you should let me buy you a slurpy.

118
00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:37,739
Or a Caramel Macchiato.

119
00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:39,739
- Should I?
- You should.

120
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:43,770
Throw in a Big Bite hot dog and a bag
of chips, you got yourself a date.

121
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,910
Oh thank heaven.

122
00:07:38,270 --> 00:07:43,819
- I am going to split you in half. All right?
- Oh my God baby.

123
00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:45,819
Should I put my hair in pigtails?

124
00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:48,239
Pigtails? Oh.

125
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,789
I'll take that as a yes.

126
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:52,139
You know I will not stop for pedestrians.

127
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:54,140
- Hurry back.
- Okay.

128
00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:08,220
Fuck!

129
00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:12,789
What the hell are you doing?

130
00:08:12,790 --> 00:08:16,309
So sorry. You know I was, actually
I was listening to some rap music.

131
00:08:16,310 --> 00:08:17,880
I just leased this.

132
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,560
Shit. This is bad.

133
00:08:20,820 --> 00:08:23,379
Well I guess I should get your information.

134
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,380
Or we could forget it ever happened.

135
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,500
Who do you mean?

136
00:08:29,430 --> 00:08:32,799
Na. Nothing. I was, I was
just, I was kidding.

137
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,409
Um, you have a pen I can borrow?

138
00:08:36,410 --> 00:08:38,699
- How old are you?
- I'm twenty eight.

139
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:41,290
- Why?
- Young.

140
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,140
You work out.

141
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,660
- I'm a trainer. Yea.
- Mhm.

142
00:08:48,620 --> 00:08:53,220
My ex husband was so out of shape he couldn't
even go down on me without running out of breath.

143
00:08:53,860 --> 00:08:55,800
You ever work with older women?

144
00:08:56,790 --> 00:09:00,080
Uh, sometimes. Yea.

145
00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:03,859
Do you see results?

146
00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:06,570
A mom, yea.

147
00:09:07,410 --> 00:09:11,450
- I'm gonna grab my insurance.
- Wait.

148
00:09:12,610 --> 00:09:17,970
What's a good exercise for, right here?

149
00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:25,879
Um. You know. Like uh, hip whatevers.

150
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,580
What about, squats?

151
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,369
Sure yea. Those too.

152
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:34,920
Ever been blown in a luxury SUV?

153
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,820
Not recently.

154
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,720
- Baby!
- Oh. Oh! Wow.

155
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,719
What took you so long?

156
00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:58,939
I got in an accident.

157
00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:00,939
- Oh my God. Are you okay?
- I mean I'm fine.

158
00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:03,949
I'm fine. I mean it was just a fender bender.
And it won't happen again.

159
00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:05,280
- It won't happen again?
- Well

160
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,789
Nothing. Nothing. No no no.

161
00:10:07,790 --> 00:10:09,790
Let's eat. Yea? Yea?

162
00:10:10,290 --> 00:10:11,790
We can eat after.

163
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,410
- Well but I mean I'm really hungry today.
- I know, so am I.

164
00:10:16,190 --> 00:10:18,659
Dinner can wait. I can't.

165
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:22,360
Oh but please. Don't. Do.
That. [Zipper Unzips]

166
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:28,349
- Why are there teeth marks on your dick?
- What?

167
00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:30,349
There are teeth marks on your dick.

168
00:10:30,350 --> 00:10:34,540
- What. I. Um.
- Did someone give you a blow job?

169
00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:37,069
Not that I can recall.

170
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:41,120
Then why are there teeth marks on your dick?

171
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:46,320
I hit that car pretty hard.

172
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,960
Who's hair is this?

173
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,669
You know what? That looks like,
that looks like a pubic hair.

174
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:57,609
Nah your pubes are not that long.

175
00:10:57,610 --> 00:11:02,579
Typically yea. But ya know you get
that rogue pube that grows faster

176
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:06,389
- Than the others.
- It's not even the same color as your head.

177
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:08,389
Okay. I mean. Who the hell are ya?

178
00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:12,149
- Like Encyclopedia Brown?
- Yes. And this is the case of the missing blow job.

179
00:11:12,150 --> 00:11:15,199
I did not get a blow job okay?
And I would never

180
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,229
Ever cheat on you. Ever. Ever.

181
00:11:18,230 --> 00:11:20,730
Is this a press on nail?

182
00:11:22,060 --> 00:11:25,000
Well that's not good. Shit.

183
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:26,999
Get out.

184
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,569
- Baby.
- Get out.

185
00:11:29,570 --> 00:11:33,790
- Just come here for a second.
- Touch me and I will chop off your dick.

186
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,900
I mean you don't mean that.

187
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,720
Do you?

188
00:11:40,180 --> 00:11:41,989
Idiot.

189
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:43,700
Babe.

190
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:46,089
What the ftt? You have a meat cleaver?

191
00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:49,839
- Who actually owns a meat cleaver?
- Get out. I never, ever

192
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,839
- Wanna see you again.
- Like ever, ever?

193
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,239
Ever.

194
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,469
- Go!
- Okay. Okay. I'm going.

195
00:11:56,470 --> 00:11:58,239
You know, I just want you to know though.

196
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,120
- That I was falling
- Get out!

197
00:12:01,850 --> 00:12:03,360
Oh Shit.

198
00:12:03,620 --> 00:12:04,760
Shit.

199
00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:11,270
Babe.

200
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,550
Could I get my sandwich back?

201
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,699
Jesus.

202
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:21,569
Again. Are you fucking kidding me Rich?

203
00:12:21,570 --> 00:12:24,879
I mean. But it. Look it was not all my fault.

204
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,389
Ok. I mean this chick. She seduced me.

205
00:12:27,390 --> 00:12:29,069
You could've said no.

206
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:31,069
Nah. I. Ok. Look.

207
00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:34,249
You try to defeat a boner
when you've got a mouth

208
00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,969
staring it down.

209
00:12:35,970 --> 00:12:38,259
I mean it's not as easy as you'd think. Okay?

210
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:40,100
It's really not.

211
00:12:41,050 --> 00:12:45,560
I don't know. Things just haven't been
the same since Kimmy cheated on me.

212
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:47,950
Now you're blaming her?

213
00:12:49,370 --> 00:12:50,940
Melissa was right.

214
00:12:53,590 --> 00:12:54,930
What are you talkin' about?

215
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,639
Nothin'.

216
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,779
No no no no. Fuck. tell me what
the fuck you're talkin' about.

217
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,419
This probably isn't the best
time to tell you. But Melissa

218
00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:06,500
She posted some pretty fucked up
things about you on the internet.

219
00:13:07,290 --> 00:13:08,500
Like what?

220
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:13,219
You're afraid of ghosts. You
like to fart in the shower.

221
00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:16,129
You're a craving man-child
with an inferiority complex

222
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:20,520
Who refuses to be held accountable
for any of his myriad shortcommings.

223
00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,600
I think she used a Thesaurus
on that last one.

224
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:28,690
- This is online?
- Douchebagassholecheaters.com

225
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:40,850
I don't understand how you can have
something so special, so great

226
00:13:41,490 --> 00:13:44,660
and throw it away for one fleeting moment.

227
00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,300
Doesn't make sense.

228
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:53,239
Rich would be making low six
figures right now if he didn't

229
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,939
bend me over the conference
table and have his way with me.

230
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:58,529
Don't get me wrong. I loved it.

231
00:13:58,530 --> 00:14:00,529
But it ruined our office dynamic.

232
00:14:00,530 --> 00:14:02,530
And I had to let him go.

233
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,510
Me and Rich used to be best friends.

234
00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:08,100
Until I walked in on him fucking my mom.

235
00:14:08,830 --> 00:14:12,260
My parents divorced. I
lost sight of my goals.

236
00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:15,919
Now I'm addicted to meth
and I work the three a.m.

237
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,369
Drive through shift at a
fast food restaurant.

238
00:14:18,370 --> 00:14:20,370
In the ghetto.

239
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:28,260
Kimmy.

240
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:41,870
Ah. I wish my dick would just leave me alone.

241
00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:23,780
[Screams] [Car Alarm Goes Off]

242
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:28,550
Josh. Call me. Something, something
terrible has happened man.

243
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,279
You know I don't even know
why I'm leaving a voicemail.

244
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,899
You never check it so all right.
Im, im gonna hang up and

245
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,460
then imma text you. Okay? All right.

246
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:41,229
Josh? Josh!

247
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:43,230
You have a collect call from

248
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:46,640
This is your dick. I'm in an alley downtown.

249
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,510
Do you accept the charges?

250
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,630
Do you accept the charges?

251
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,989
Do you. Accept the charges?

252
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,989
- Yes.
- Hello?

253
00:15:58,990 --> 00:16:00,679
Is this Rich?

254
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,069
- Uh huh.
- Oh thank God.

255
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:06,119
Whew. I couldn't remember
your number for shit.

256
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,960
- I just got like twenty "No hablo inglés's" before you picked up.
- Uh huh.

257
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,229
Who is this?

258
00:16:12,230 --> 00:16:14,230
It's me. Your penis.

259
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,229
Who is this for real?

260
00:16:16,230 --> 00:16:19,529
It's your penis bitch.
It's your cock, your dick

261
00:16:19,530 --> 00:16:21,530
your pecker, your prick.

262
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,259
I don't beleive you.

263
00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:27,259
Your dick goes missing. Someone calls you up

264
00:16:27,260 --> 00:16:30,200
and tells you he's your dick.
And you don't beleive him?

265
00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:34,939
- My dick is not missing.
- No shit.

266
00:16:34,940 --> 00:16:36,939
He's in an alley on Surmack and State.

267
00:16:36,940 --> 00:16:39,769
All right look. I'm just gonna,
I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?

268
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:39,970
Becky Wallace. All right look. I'm just
gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?

269
00:16:39,971 --> 00:16:41,750
Becky Wallace.

270
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,450
What?

271
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:47,710
Becky Wallace. Your first hand job.

272
00:16:48,210 --> 00:16:49,889
Big girl with hair on her nipples.

273
00:16:49,890 --> 00:16:52,190
A bad case of Rosacea

274
00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:54,189
Surprisingly good.

275
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:56,089
Knew how to work the tip, ignore the base.

276
00:16:56,090 --> 00:16:58,849
All right. Who the fuck told you that?
Huh? Huh?

277
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:02,830
In seventh grade you jerked off so
hard you dislocated your shoulder.

278
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,569
You told your parents you hurt
it simulating Mortal Kombat

279
00:17:05,570 --> 00:17:07,569
fatalities with your friends.

280
00:17:07,570 --> 00:17:09,259
Want me to keep going?

281
00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:11,009
You've had Chlamydia twice.

282
00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:13,269
You spray me with Curb Club
before you go out for the night

283
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:15,399
And. When you're bored

284
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,419
You helicopter me around and make
my hole talk like a little mouth.

285
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:20,419
- All right that is enough. That's enough.
- Which is embarrasing.

286
00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,359
Ok so just stop.

287
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:22,289
- I don't know what happened.
- Stop.

288
00:17:22,290 --> 00:17:24,880
The last thing I remembered
is dangling between your legs

289
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,149
But then I wake up in an alley
in this morning. Naked.

290
00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:29,149
Like some God damned Terminator.

291
00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:31,569
And now, here I am on a
piss smelling pay-phone

292
00:17:31,570 --> 00:17:35,289
asking you to pretty please pick
me up before the fuckin' cops do.

293
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:38,580
- You're naked?
- As a poet's soul.

294
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:40,990
Oh. God.

295
00:17:42,450 --> 00:17:45,939
- You said Surmack and State?
- Yea. Behind the sushi restaurant.

296
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,870
And you're buying me lunch.

297
00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:05,420
Jesus!

298
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,180
Rich. Open the door.

299
00:18:10,070 --> 00:18:11,300
Rich.

300
00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:19,470
Rich. Open the door. Rich. C'mon.

301
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:27,119
Ho. Thank you. Smelled like a
God damn UTI out there. Hi.

302
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,120
I'm your dick.

303
00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:32,439
You have my eyes.

304
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,120
We are related. Where's that grip I know?

305
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,910
Just kidding. Did you bring the clothes?

306
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:45,269
You brought your nut shorts?

307
00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:46,689
What?

308
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:50,120
You jack off in these all the time
because you're too lazy to get tissues.

309
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,480
- Sorry.
- Whatever.

310
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,500
Let's get something to eat.
I am fucking starving.

311
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,190
No?

312
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:20,749
What?

313
00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,659
I mean people don't just
wake up without their dicks.

314
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:25,660
I guess that makes you a pioneer.

315
00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:27,660
What happened?

316
00:19:27,870 --> 00:19:29,790
You've been blaming me for
a lot of shit lately.

317
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:34,009
So if I had to hypothesize, I would
say that the universe got pissed off

318
00:19:34,010 --> 00:19:36,129
and decided to tilt the scale against you.
And then they were like

319
00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:39,300
You know what? Fuck that scale. Lets
just give it to him hard and raw.

320
00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:40,989
You don't think I feel the same way?

321
00:19:40,990 --> 00:19:45,530
I used to have my own private utopia. All I had
to think about was napping, pissing and fucking.

322
00:19:45,990 --> 00:19:50,060
Now I'm dealing with hunger and thirst. I'm
pretty sure I have to take my first shit soon.

323
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,100
Oh. The worst part.

324
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,969
Is that I've got my own dick, and
it's not even as big as I was.

325
00:19:55,970 --> 00:19:56,930
Look at this!

326
00:19:57,570 --> 00:19:59,859
I should be able to hang a
basket full of puppies off this.

327
00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:03,499
- Now I think I could barely handle one kitten.
- Put it away. Please.

328
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:05,539
Breaks my heart. I'm just
saying I better be a grower

329
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:06,839
Because I'm obviously not a shower.

330
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,609
All right. All right. How do we fix it?

331
00:20:09,610 --> 00:20:12,570
Yea I know. So here's what I've been told.

332
00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:15,279
The next time Mercury aligns with Cancer

333
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,549
at midnight on the next full moon

334
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:22,580
some sort of vortex is gonna open up and we're just
going to have to go through it together somehow.

335
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,579
All right. All right.

336
00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:31,649
All right. When is the next,
when is the next full moon?

337
00:20:31,650 --> 00:20:33,650
Are you fucking retarded?

338
00:20:33,830 --> 00:20:36,450
I just made that shit up. I
don't know how to reattach.

339
00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:41,130
Shit, Shower, Shave?

340
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:46,110
Oh. At least now I can tell you how big of a fucking
tool you are for still having a subscription to Maxim.

341
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,239
K. Now keep your core engaged.
Now bring your legs out.

342
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,439
Good job.

343
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,439
I need to talk to you.

344
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,649
I'm in the middle of a session.

345
00:21:05,650 --> 00:21:09,190
- He'll be right back. C'mon
- Ow Rich. What the fuck.

346
00:21:09,930 --> 00:21:12,209
I'm the number four trainer in this company.

347
00:21:12,210 --> 00:21:15,520
It's unacceptable for you to [Screams].

348
00:21:15,690 --> 00:21:17,520
Shit.

349
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,160
What the fuck?

350
00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:24,120
Well my dick is gone.

351
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,090
It looks like an Asian man's armpit.

352
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:33,610
- What Happened? -I. I don't know. Okay. I woke up this morning
and it wasnt there. And that, that's not even the worst part.

353
00:21:33,810 --> 00:21:34,610
[Zipper Zips]

354
00:21:34,870 --> 00:21:36,149
It's in your ass?

355
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:39,509
No. No. It is in my apartment.

356
00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:41,649
That's good. You know where it is.

357
00:21:41,650 --> 00:21:43,959
Okay. It's a person.

358
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,609
Fuck. What?

359
00:21:45,610 --> 00:21:47,609
My dick is an asshole.

360
00:21:47,610 --> 00:21:49,609
- He's brown?
- No. White.

361
00:21:49,610 --> 00:21:51,609
- Is he bald?
- No.

362
00:21:51,610 --> 00:21:53,249
- Chubby?
- No.

363
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:55,249
- Wrinked?
- Would you shut the fuck up?

364
00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:57,250
Okay. I'm sorry.

365
00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:02,060
- What are you gonna do?
- What can I do?

366
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,709
Should I see a doctor maybe?

367
00:22:04,710 --> 00:22:05,619
Hell no.

368
00:22:05,620 --> 00:22:08,069
You'll be the new medical freak dejour.

369
00:22:08,070 --> 00:22:12,689
Kid with two heads. Kid with super strength.
Man with no dick.

370
00:22:12,690 --> 00:22:19,269
If the government doesn't lock you in a lab then the talk shows will snatch
you up. Turn you into a story of triumph that ends in tears of hope.

371
00:22:19,270 --> 00:22:23,599
Shit load of undeserved applause.
You'd be like Carrot Top.

372
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,420
Everyone will want a picture with you. But
no one will want to have sex with you.

373
00:22:28,650 --> 00:22:32,580
Oh no. No no no. No. No!

374
00:22:36,110 --> 00:22:38,680
- Ahh!
- The Fffftt?

375
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:44,209
K. You ordered a hooker?

376
00:22:44,210 --> 00:22:45,690
Oh no. she's an escort.

377
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,689
All right. And where is she
escorting you to then?

378
00:22:47,690 --> 00:22:49,340
To "Bust a Nut-Ville".

379
00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:50,929
- All right you're gonna have to go.
- Hold on!

380
00:22:50,930 --> 00:22:53,410
- I was so close!
- Now. please. Go.

381
00:22:53,610 --> 00:22:55,659
Thank you.

382
00:22:55,660 --> 00:22:58,569
Damn. Not even a payment dispute.

383
00:22:58,570 --> 00:23:03,329
Oh no I gave her the TV in Rich's room. Super easy. Helped
her load it right into her Scion before things got underway.

384
00:23:03,330 --> 00:23:07,119
Wait. You paid her with,
you paid her with my TV?

385
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,490
Um. Actually think the term is "Bartered".

386
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:11,490
But, hey. I'm no English major.

387
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:13,489
Ow! Fuck!

388
00:23:13,490 --> 00:23:15,489
Ow! Ow!

389
00:23:15,490 --> 00:23:16,930
C'mon!

390
00:23:18,090 --> 00:23:20,260
Okay. Listen to me. All right?

391
00:23:20,630 --> 00:23:24,589
If you're gonna stay here you're
gonna have to control yourself.

392
00:23:24,590 --> 00:23:27,760
Yea. Oh. Okay. I'm so sorry dad.

393
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,999
I didn't know I needed your permission
for every little thing that I'm into.

394
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,909
- Okay. A hooker is not a "little" thing. All right?
- [Sighs]

395
00:23:33,910 --> 00:23:37,269
Listen. Okay? I'm trying to adjust right now.

396
00:23:37,270 --> 00:23:41,409
I've never had a body before.
This all new to me. It's. Ho Ho.

397
00:23:41,410 --> 00:23:42,920
What? What?

398
00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:44,460
Oh my God.

399
00:23:45,630 --> 00:23:50,379
I just flexed my calf. A-mazing.
That's really cool. That's cool.

400
00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:58,140
Okay listen. I messed up. I know that. But. What are you, you're not
gonna yell at a toddler, right, for putting his hand on the stove?

401
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,780
No you're gonna coddle him and
you're gonna shower him with love.

402
00:24:02,330 --> 00:24:03,780
I'm sorry.

403
00:24:03,980 --> 00:24:06,060
I'm sorry I put my hand in the "Pussy Stove".

404
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,510
All right? But right I need your help.

405
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,510
Right? Not your wrath.

406
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,670
Yea. I need to get you back.

407
00:24:32,620 --> 00:24:34,620
Eleven-Eleven. Go!

408
00:24:37,010 --> 00:24:38,689
I wish I had my dick back.

409
00:24:38,690 --> 00:24:40,490
I wish you had me back.

410
00:24:44,140 --> 00:24:48,549
- Oh you're still here.
- Am I even?

411
00:24:48,550 --> 00:24:50,120
[Moaning]

412
00:24:52,140 --> 00:24:54,220
You're all out of cinnamon toast crunch.

413
00:25:17,110 --> 00:25:18,340
Fitness assessment?

414
00:25:18,590 --> 00:25:19,870
Excuse me?

415
00:25:20,130 --> 00:25:21,870
Are you my fitness assessment?

416
00:25:22,130 --> 00:25:24,319
I don't know. I had an appointment at two.

417
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,319
All right. And what time is it now?

418
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,590
- Almost two thirty.
- Yea. No. That's probably me.

419
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,450
Grab your stuff.

420
00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:34,950
So what are your fitness goals?

421
00:25:35,690 --> 00:25:43,299
Do you wanna live a healthy lifestyle? Or do you just wanna lose some fat
around your ass, thighs and midsection for whatever insecure reason?

422
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:47,040
Uh. Both I guess. Are you
always this up front?

423
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:53,420
No I'm usually pretty duplicitous. But
I just don't give a fuck anymore.

424
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,729
Yea. I don't feel anything.

425
00:25:56,730 --> 00:25:58,730
You're working your core.

426
00:26:01,370 --> 00:26:06,609
Look. I know you're probably getting paid
smething like five dollars for our time together

427
00:26:06,610 --> 00:26:13,370
But. I'd apreciate it if you assumed I was going to sign
up with you and put forth just like a tiny bit of effort.

428
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,369
Are you going to sign up with me?

429
00:26:15,370 --> 00:26:18,210
Most likely not. Thats why I said "assume".

430
00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:22,289
There you go. You're human afterall.

431
00:26:22,290 --> 00:26:23,939
Yea. Sometimes.

432
00:26:23,940 --> 00:26:29,409
So am I. Which is why I really wanna squeeze into a
size three for my sister's wedding in a couple weeks.

433
00:26:29,410 --> 00:26:33,229
Mhmmm. So that's the insecure reason.

434
00:26:33,230 --> 00:26:35,229
Well if you knew my sister you'd know why.

435
00:26:35,230 --> 00:26:39,389
Is she like, some tiny little
blonde annoying thing?

436
00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:40,699
What are you? Psychic?

437
00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:43,690
No. No. I'm just really good at stereotypes.

438
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,080
Well you nailed it. Shes a human Pomeranian.

439
00:26:47,740 --> 00:26:48,880
Bad.

440
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:50,880
You gonna kick my ass or what?

441
00:26:51,070 --> 00:26:55,550
Um. Well you buy ten sessions from me and
I'll give you the workout of your life.

442
00:26:55,690 --> 00:26:57,120
Thats extortion.

443
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,940
I'm a personal trainer. It's what I do.

444
00:27:00,050 --> 00:27:06,180
How about I buy five, and I don't tell your
boss that there's vodka in your protein shake?

445
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:09,970
Yea. No Yea. That's good. Good and fair.

446
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,250
Good.

447
00:27:13,050 --> 00:27:16,239
Whoooee! I'm fuckin' you up!

448
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,740
- Only because you're first player.
- You suck at second player.

449
00:27:26,590 --> 00:27:28,480
Oh. Hey man. We'll pick all this up.

450
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:29,490
When?

451
00:27:30,170 --> 00:27:33,209
It looks like a freshman dorm in here guys.

452
00:27:33,210 --> 00:27:35,970
After we're finished smoking
this marijuana cigar.

453
00:27:37,150 --> 00:27:39,460
So you're smoking weed now too huh?

454
00:27:40,020 --> 00:27:41,460
That's my fault.

455
00:27:41,570 --> 00:27:43,459
I didn't think it'd be a big deal.

456
00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:44,979
What are you even doing here?

457
00:27:44,980 --> 00:27:46,979
Emily found my Indian porn.

458
00:27:46,980 --> 00:27:50,219
You should put that in your antivirus folder.
Cause that's what Rich does.

459
00:27:50,220 --> 00:27:58,220
- Okay. Five more mintes. All right. And Josh is going home and you will be vaccuming up the blunt guts off of my carpet. Yes.
- No. But that's not enough time!

460
00:27:59,660 --> 00:28:07,660
He's right. That's a Dutch Master. It's gonna take at least
ten minutes to burn. Maybe eight if you wanna get in on it.

461
00:28:09,830 --> 00:28:11,179
Five minutes is good.

462
00:28:11,180 --> 00:28:19,180
And there is one more thing, that I'm, gonna
have to ask you to leave the toilet seat down.

463
00:28:20,020 --> 00:28:22,780
Why? You pissing out of your ass?

464
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:26,080
Oh Shit.

465
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:28,890
He's pissing out of his ass.

466
00:28:30,270 --> 00:28:31,060
Look.

467
00:28:32,810 --> 00:28:38,810
We're here for you man. We're gonna do everything
we can to get things back the way they were.

468
00:28:39,170 --> 00:28:40,410
Isn't that right?

469
00:28:42,330 --> 00:28:43,060
Sure.

470
00:28:43,570 --> 00:28:44,390
See?

471
00:28:45,030 --> 00:28:46,810
Doesn't that give you confidence?

472
00:28:49,460 --> 00:28:53,090
Hey bud, Ive been playing
with your dick all day.

473
00:29:52,970 --> 00:30:00,970
- Oh my God! Yea man! Whoa!
- It is so mysterious! Oh. Ah. Ohhhh.

474
00:30:06,150 --> 00:30:11,050
Eh. She can't be older than
twenty three, that kid is seven,

475
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,760
He just doesnt stop.

476
00:30:20,070 --> 00:30:24,009
Wow. Looks like you've got your hands full.
I know a great babysitter. Pretty cheap.

477
00:30:24,010 --> 00:30:26,860
If my dick came to life he'd
probably be a lot more behaved.

478
00:30:27,930 --> 00:30:35,930
There's gotta be something I can do right? Someone I can appease. I
mean, if the universe is keeping score, how the fuck can I earn points?

479
00:30:43,190 --> 00:30:45,729
- Oh my God that's it.
- What's it?

480
00:30:45,730 --> 00:30:49,699
All right. This all started happening after
I screwed things up with Jamie right?

481
00:30:49,700 --> 00:30:53,759
So if I can fix that maybe
I can reverse everything.

482
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:54,600
Thank you.

483
00:30:58,260 --> 00:31:02,120
Born again Christian bullshit.
Where'd Rich go?

484
00:31:09,420 --> 00:31:11,640
[Doorbell Buzzes] Food's here!

485
00:31:12,060 --> 00:31:13,640
What the fuck?

486
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,500
Uh. We didn't order seven-eleven.

487
00:31:17,730 --> 00:31:21,130
Baby you don't answer the
door like that. Rich.

488
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:23,129
What are you doing here?

489
00:31:23,130 --> 00:31:24,819
What the hell is this guy doing here?

490
00:31:24,820 --> 00:31:26,569
- Who are you?
- Who are you?

491
00:31:26,570 --> 00:31:28,569
- Delivery for Jamie?
- Yes

492
00:31:28,570 --> 00:31:29,809
Will you get the money baby?

493
00:31:29,810 --> 00:31:32,340
Sure little big penguin girl.

494
00:31:35,700 --> 00:31:39,099
I'm gone for a month and you're
having sex with some like:

495
00:31:39,100 --> 00:31:40,789
- "Hey dude"
- Yea

496
00:31:40,790 --> 00:31:45,189
What did you expect Rich? For me to sit around with
my thumb up my ass lementing what could have been?

497
00:31:45,190 --> 00:31:48,059
We ran out of duck sauce so
I put in extra soy sauce.

498
00:31:48,060 --> 00:31:49,020
Thank you.

499
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:53,750
Seriously Rich. You let some girl gnaw
on your penis like a number two pencil.

500
00:31:55,550 --> 00:32:00,199
I'm sorry about that. Okay? But I lost
control. And people they lose control.

501
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:01,329
No animals lose control.

502
00:32:01,330 --> 00:32:03,579
Is he comming back? Cause this
is getting kind of akward.

503
00:32:03,580 --> 00:32:05,580
Chill out Tokyo Drift.

504
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:09,410
I can say that. I mean we dated. We dated!

505
00:32:09,580 --> 00:32:10,760
- Yo babe.
- Hm?

506
00:32:10,850 --> 00:32:13,579
I'm looking all over your purse
and I cant find your money.

507
00:32:13,580 --> 00:32:15,380
It's in my wallet.

508
00:32:15,750 --> 00:32:17,380
Girls have wallets too?

509
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,560
Blowin' my fuckin' mind right now babe!

510
00:32:20,790 --> 00:32:22,310
Okay. I

511
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,239
- I want to make things better.
- [Laughs]

512
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:30,559
- Don't laugh.
- That wasn't a laugh. That was an involuntary chest spasm.

513
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:32,560
- Look. I loved you.
- [Laughs]

514
00:32:35,130 --> 00:32:39,099
- You know if you would just give me another chance.
- No. It's too late for that Rich.

515
00:32:39,100 --> 00:32:43,939
You know, in fact I'm really happy that you fucked
things up. Now I'm having the sex of my life

516
00:32:43,940 --> 00:32:48,840
with a beautiful idiot who cant text without
substituting numbers for words. It's amazing.

517
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,480
I'm sorry. I. Wow. I shouldn't have come.

518
00:32:56,870 --> 00:33:00,050
Enjoy your Generals Chicken.
- It's Broccoli Beef.

519
00:33:00,930 --> 00:33:02,050
Fuck you.

520
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:17,290
One more. One more.

521
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,520
Do you even know what one more means?

522
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,689
"Baby Penguin Girl". Are you fucking serious?

523
00:33:23,690 --> 00:33:27,709
Look. I know you're going
through some shit right now

524
00:33:27,710 --> 00:33:34,759
But I've had a long day of being nitpicked by my bitch of a boss. So I'd
apreciated it if you could pretty please not be so God damn angsty.

525
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:39,400
Yes. Yea. No I will try to do that.

526
00:33:39,910 --> 00:33:42,419
Sorry. I didn't mean for
that to come off so harsh.

527
00:33:42,420 --> 00:33:45,970
It's fine. I think I actually needed that.

528
00:33:51,850 --> 00:33:55,459
- You wanna maybe grab some coffee after this?
- Oh.

529
00:33:55,460 --> 00:34:00,500
Um. I don't think that's a good idea.

530
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,679
- I didn't mean it like that.
- How'd you mean it?

531
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:05,680
Well not like that.

532
00:34:05,990 --> 00:34:11,800
Look. Um. You're an awesome trainer and all.
And. And yea. You're kind of good looking. Um.

533
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:14,189
I don't think you're my type.

534
00:34:14,190 --> 00:34:21,199
It's just I see the way you walk around here acting all "playery" pretending
to scratch your abs so you can lift up your shirt and show off that

535
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:22,949
"V" thing you've got going on.

536
00:34:22,950 --> 00:34:27,459
- Sometimes ya know I have an itch.
- Every fourty seconds?

537
00:34:27,460 --> 00:34:33,370
All right. Lets do some trunk twists.
Stand up. C'mon.

538
00:34:34,890 --> 00:34:41,790
Hey. Thanks for the pickup. But can you step on it a little bit?
I've gotta meet up with this chick from OkCupid in like an hour.

539
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:47,479
And she said to me "Hey. Tonight, if you want, you
can put your P in my V". And I was like "eh."

540
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,479
I'd rather put my C in your C.

541
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:50,859
Right?

542
00:34:50,860 --> 00:34:54,160
[Brakes Screech]
You get it? That was funny

543
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:55,760
Oh!

544
00:34:56,890 --> 00:34:58,159
Shit!

545
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:02,350
- What the fuck is your problem dude?
- What is my problem?

546
00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:08,329
Ya know I put a roof over your head. Ok? I give
you food to eat. And this is how you repay me.

547
00:35:08,330 --> 00:35:11,399
So right now might not be the best
time to ask about getting an iPhone?

548
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:12,239
No.

549
00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:14,919
- It would be so simple to just add to your family plan.
- No!

550
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:18,239
Okay. I am not going to put
up with your shit anymore.

551
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:23,369
Society is not going to put up with your shit.
Okay? You need to straigten up and fly right.

552
00:35:23,370 --> 00:35:26,720
Or you can wander the streets
with the hobos and the teenagers.

553
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:28,969
You wouldn't kick me out.

554
00:35:28,970 --> 00:35:32,269
Try me. The free ride is over.

555
00:35:32,270 --> 00:35:34,270
- From now on you pay rent.
- [Laughs]

556
00:35:34,580 --> 00:35:36,010
How the hell am I supposed to do that?

557
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,169
Get a job.

558
00:35:37,170 --> 00:35:42,859
Fuck that. Who would even hire me? I've got
enough THC in my blood to resurrect Bob Marley.

559
00:35:42,860 --> 00:35:45,449
You can stand in front of the
hardware store with the illegals.

560
00:35:45,450 --> 00:35:48,130
You're about as much fun as a rubber.
You know that right?

561
00:35:54,860 --> 00:35:56,770
Is anyone gonna hire us?

562
00:35:57,170 --> 00:35:58,010
Mhm.

563
00:35:59,870 --> 00:36:01,310
Fuck this.

564
00:36:03,930 --> 00:36:08,290
Next up is the lovely Shila.

565
00:36:08,690 --> 00:36:10,290
Place your bets. Pink or brown?

566
00:36:10,430 --> 00:36:11,330
Pink.

567
00:36:11,700 --> 00:36:14,119
Uh oh. She's Latina.

568
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:16,860
This does not bode well for you my friend.

569
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:21,640
Whoo! Brown. You owe me a beer motherfucker.

570
00:36:24,090 --> 00:36:25,589
Where'd you get all that money?

571
00:36:25,590 --> 00:36:27,590
Oh. You know. Rich's wallet.

572
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:29,079
You're stealing from Rich?

573
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,670
Actually I consider it more of an allowance.

574
00:36:33,330 --> 00:36:38,149
- Yea I should probably be getting home to Emily.
- She's got you on a pretty short leash huh?

575
00:36:38,150 --> 00:36:41,359
I control the size of my leash.

576
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,430
Oh. Like a big boy. Yea. Good for you.

577
00:36:45,420 --> 00:36:47,079
Yea well have you ever
thought about severing it?

578
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:49,579
No. I'm happy.

579
00:36:49,580 --> 00:36:51,299
Oh good. So you're having a lot of sex then.

580
00:36:51,300 --> 00:36:54,649
I'm having enough sex.

581
00:36:54,650 --> 00:36:58,430
Okay well no man who's getting his dick wet
on a regular basis ever thinks it's enough.

582
00:36:58,570 --> 00:37:00,029
- You're bored.
- No.

583
00:37:00,030 --> 00:37:03,950
That's it. you're bored. You've had too
many trips to the same watering hole.

584
00:37:04,260 --> 00:37:06,539
Too many times playing that same video game.

585
00:37:06,540 --> 00:37:09,470
- Can we not talk about Emily?
- You're the one who brought her up.

586
00:37:10,090 --> 00:37:12,960
Oh my God. What's your name?

587
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:14,960
Josh.

588
00:37:17,020 --> 00:37:18,789
Sorry I don't have any money.

589
00:37:18,790 --> 00:37:21,099
Oh. I don't want your money.

590
00:37:21,100 --> 00:37:24,289
What do we have here? A little
uh, slumdog elephant princess?

591
00:37:24,290 --> 00:37:27,050
- I'm Peruvian.
- Okay. Same thing. Less hair.

592
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:28,510
You should go.

593
00:37:29,530 --> 00:37:34,339
- Please let her stay.
- You're so fucking cute. I don't normally get like this.

594
00:37:34,340 --> 00:37:36,339
- But there's just something about you.
- I shouldn't be doing this.

595
00:37:36,340 --> 00:37:39,269
Of course you should. Feels good right?

596
00:37:39,270 --> 00:37:40,430
Yea.

597
00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:43,780
But I love Emily. My girlfriend.

598
00:37:43,830 --> 00:37:46,929
C'mon. Love is like a space heater.
Yea it's good for a drafty corner

599
00:37:46,930 --> 00:37:49,810
but it's hardly the solution
for an entire room.

600
00:37:50,060 --> 00:37:54,510
C'mon. I know you fantasize about
other women. We all do. It's natural.

601
00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:57,919
So why don't you disarm that
big ticking bomb in your chest

602
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,709
and stop denying yourself the
pleasures that you deserve?

603
00:38:00,710 --> 00:38:02,450
You deserve it baby.

604
00:38:03,380 --> 00:38:05,470
I can't. I can't.

605
00:38:05,860 --> 00:38:08,679
- C'mon.
- I'm sorry.

606
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:10,990
You're still gonna give me
my three hundred right?

607
00:38:11,350 --> 00:38:14,170
Wait. What? Dude you set this up?

608
00:38:14,990 --> 00:38:17,630
- I prefer the term "Orchestrated".
- Fuck you.

609
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:19,209
He's not paying me.

610
00:38:19,210 --> 00:38:22,279
Okay. She's jumping to
conclusions on that one. But

611
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:25,070
Yea she is right. I'm not
paying her shit. So.

612
00:38:26,140 --> 00:38:29,719
Hmmm. You guys have little kid bouncers here?

613
00:38:29,720 --> 00:38:36,730
Let's go out to the playground. That's so weird. Im bigger than
you. I just wanna eat that little nose off your face. Oh yea. Whoo!

614
00:38:38,790 --> 00:38:40,420
He's the Antichrist.

615
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,770
I mean I know he's bad
but he's not Hitler bad.

616
00:38:44,420 --> 00:38:47,039
He could be. If he applied himself.

617
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:47,939
What happened?

618
00:38:47,940 --> 00:38:49,939
He set me up to cheat on Emily.

619
00:38:49,940 --> 00:38:51,290
You cheated on Emily?

620
00:38:52,110 --> 00:38:52,980
No.

621
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:54,979
No. Almost did.

622
00:38:54,980 --> 00:38:57,860
He is a persuasive motherfucker.

623
00:38:58,530 --> 00:39:05,040
I'm not blaming him. I won't deny that your dick
could sell dog shit to a freshly mowed lawn. Still.

624
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:07,910
This is my fuck up.

625
00:39:10,810 --> 00:39:12,050
Wow.

626
00:39:13,710 --> 00:39:16,530
You're a better man than I ever was.

627
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:18,530
Than I'll ever be.

628
00:39:21,850 --> 00:39:22,950
Rich.

629
00:39:24,250 --> 00:39:25,520
You okay?

630
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,910
Yea. I'm fine.

631
00:39:34,890 --> 00:39:37,119
- Yea. Call me a woman.
- Oh you're a woman.

632
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:39,910
Tell me I'm a pretty woman. Yea. Yea.

633
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:41,770
Tell me I look like I lost weight.

634
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:43,010
Do it!

635
00:39:43,180 --> 00:39:45,010
You look like you've lost weight.

636
00:39:45,090 --> 00:39:47,200
Yea. Do the pledge of allegience.

637
00:39:48,530 --> 00:39:50,749
Say it in an Asian voice.

638
00:39:50,750 --> 00:39:52,749
- I pledge alegience
- Yes Yes!

639
00:39:52,750 --> 00:39:55,399
I. Am. Fucked. You. Right. Now.

640
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:59,370
It feels good for me and I
don't know how you feel!

641
00:39:59,710 --> 00:40:02,839
You're a spider monkey commin' and
you're at maximum capacity right now.

642
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:04,839
Yes. Yes.

643
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:06,240
Whoo!

644
00:40:09,230 --> 00:40:10,839
Rich! What the fuck?

645
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:12,329
You have two minutes.

646
00:40:12,330 --> 00:40:14,889
To grab your shit and get out of my life.

647
00:40:14,890 --> 00:40:16,889
Whoa whoa whoa. C'mon.

648
00:40:16,890 --> 00:40:18,719
Let's talk about this for a sec.

649
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:19,619
A minute fifty.

650
00:40:19,620 --> 00:40:21,620
There's no way that was ten seconds.

651
00:40:23,710 --> 00:40:26,500
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Where
is this comming from?

652
00:40:27,140 --> 00:40:28,379
Is this because I fucked Melissa?

653
00:40:28,380 --> 00:40:29,990
No, it's because you..

654
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:31,789
You fucked Melissa?

655
00:40:31,790 --> 00:40:36,311
Yea. You didn't give me a big deal. I mean technically
I've already, you know, been inside of her multiple times.

656
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:39,399
Come on! We're supposed to be friends.

657
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:43,139
Oh friends. Do you know how many
people I can't talk to because of you?

658
00:40:43,140 --> 00:40:45,509
How many places that I can't go?

659
00:40:45,510 --> 00:40:47,679
No you are not my friend okay?

660
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:48,859
You have cost me friends.

661
00:40:48,860 --> 00:40:49,989
You didn't have to listen to me.

662
00:40:49,990 --> 00:40:55,169
Grab your shit and get the fuck out of my life or I
will break your head open like a goddamn pinata.

663
00:40:55,170 --> 00:40:59,370
Then you're going to blood all over the floor and then
you're not going to get your security deposit back.

664
00:40:59,650 --> 00:41:00,940
Fine. Get my shit.

665
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:07,450
Now what?

666
00:41:08,490 --> 00:41:10,550
Trash bags under the sink.

667
00:41:10,660 --> 00:41:12,550
You're not even gonna give me a suitcase?

668
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:22,320
Fuck you. Fuck you.

669
00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:24,689
I have never liked you.

670
00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:29,619
All those times that you pissed and then you shook me and
put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked

671
00:41:29,620 --> 00:41:32,579
That was just my way of telling
you to just go fuck yourself.

672
00:41:32,580 --> 00:41:33,559
And you're right.

673
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:35,559
I may have been your Raison D'etre

674
00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:37,560
But I was never your fuckin' friend.

675
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,659
Making that wish is probably the
best decision you've ever made.

676
00:41:40,660 --> 00:41:42,969
No more headaches from
bangin' on your inner thigh,

677
00:41:42,970 --> 00:41:45,419
No more chafed skin from
feature length jack sessions

678
00:41:45,420 --> 00:41:47,329
I'm a fuckin' free man.

679
00:41:47,330 --> 00:41:48,969
And I'm gonna do great things.

680
00:41:48,970 --> 00:41:51,850
So just go ahead and look for me in
the spotlight you fuckin' dick head.

681
00:42:13,900 --> 00:42:17,499
My dick is gone for good. My life is over.

682
00:42:17,500 --> 00:42:21,529
C'mon let's put this shit in perspective.
You're twenty eight.

683
00:42:21,530 --> 00:42:24,370
You've already had more sex than most
men will have their entire lives.

684
00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:25,560
Yea.

685
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:28,200
And now I'm a Ken doll.

686
00:42:28,630 --> 00:42:30,370
And Ken is always smiling.

687
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,370
You know why?

688
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,010
He doesn't have to deal with the
bullshit that every other man does.

689
00:42:36,290 --> 00:42:41,159
You gotta think about all the time you can devote to other
things now that you don't have to worry about jacking off.

690
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,869
Or hittin' on girls, or cheating on girls

691
00:42:43,870 --> 00:42:46,629
Your life just became a thousand
times less complicated.

692
00:42:46,630 --> 00:42:48,629
You'll be able to get shit done.

693
00:42:48,630 --> 00:42:50,709
Hell you can write the great American novel.

694
00:42:50,710 --> 00:42:53,270
Yea but I don't want to write
the great American novel.

695
00:42:53,550 --> 00:42:55,269
I want my fuckin' dick back.

696
00:42:55,270 --> 00:42:57,270
You don't need him back Rich.

697
00:42:57,810 --> 00:43:00,739
You have a chance to let your heart do
the leading without any interference.

698
00:43:00,740 --> 00:43:03,689
It's like having two angels on
your shoulder instead of one

699
00:43:03,690 --> 00:43:05,240
And a roided up devil.

700
00:43:05,690 --> 00:43:07,470
You're gonna be a better person for it.

701
00:43:07,750 --> 00:43:09,470
You just don't see it yet.

702
00:43:09,980 --> 00:43:11,470
You really think I'll be ok?

703
00:43:11,860 --> 00:43:13,470
I know you will.

704
00:43:14,450 --> 00:43:16,029
Everything happens for a reason.

705
00:43:16,030 --> 00:43:17,299
No don't say that.

706
00:43:17,300 --> 00:43:19,609
I fucking hate it when people say that.

707
00:43:19,610 --> 00:43:20,790
So do I.

708
00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,419
Hey come on let's go. Let's go.

709
00:44:38,420 --> 00:44:40,420
It's called a warm up not a beat down.

710
00:44:41,180 --> 00:44:42,420
Here we go. Here we go.

711
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:45,909
I can increase my resistance on
my own, thank you very much.

712
00:44:45,910 --> 00:44:49,459
You know I liked you a lot better before
you got your Aderal prescription filled.

713
00:44:49,460 --> 00:44:51,009
It's like you're a
completely different person.

714
00:44:51,010 --> 00:44:54,609
No no no. I'm not a person. I'm your
player douchebag personal trainer.

715
00:44:54,610 --> 00:44:55,989
You're not a douchebag.

716
00:44:55,990 --> 00:44:57,149
We're doing legs today.

717
00:44:57,150 --> 00:44:59,150
You're a total douchebag.

718
00:44:59,880 --> 00:45:01,660
So what brought you out of your funk?

719
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:05,739
Did you meet a girl? Romance her while
watching The Notebook and fell madly in love?

720
00:45:05,740 --> 00:45:08,729
The Notebook? Please. I
am a Princess Bride man.

721
00:45:08,730 --> 00:45:11,120
Uh uh. Inconceivable.

722
00:45:13,090 --> 00:45:16,889
- Not a Notebook fan either. Although...
- Please do not say Ryan Gosling.

723
00:45:16,890 --> 00:45:19,200
Of course Ryan Gosling.

724
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:22,700
But besides him, that
kissing in the rain scene,

725
00:45:23,290 --> 00:45:25,459
Every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.

726
00:45:25,460 --> 00:45:28,979
Then maybe you should move
to the Pacific Northwest.

727
00:45:28,980 --> 00:45:30,980
Maybe I will.

728
00:45:32,130 --> 00:45:33,400
Seriously though.

729
00:45:34,130 --> 00:45:36,409
Why are you so chipper all of a sudden?

730
00:45:36,410 --> 00:45:39,320
All right well this is
gonna sound cliche, but,

731
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:45,539
Gah, I was living my life one way and I realized
that I just couldn't live it that way anymore.

732
00:45:45,540 --> 00:45:47,709
Sound like anyone who's ever
been on Behind The Music.

733
00:45:47,710 --> 00:45:52,130
I know right? And I feel like
I've been detoxing hardcore.

734
00:45:52,300 --> 00:45:53,370
From what?

735
00:45:54,330 --> 00:45:57,339
- Women.
- Oh God.

736
00:45:57,340 --> 00:45:59,849
- This isn't some player angle is it?
- No.

737
00:45:59,850 --> 00:46:02,779
God no. I'm not trying to play you.

738
00:46:02,780 --> 00:46:07,929
And I have no alterior motives. I'm not even
gonna to try to get you to go out with me.

739
00:46:07,930 --> 00:46:10,520
Promise. I'm just gonna,

740
00:46:11,090 --> 00:46:16,269
help you reach your fitness goals
in the least creepy way possible.

741
00:46:16,270 --> 00:46:20,489
In that case we should probably
go for a drink tomorow night.

742
00:46:20,490 --> 00:46:23,170
What? Celebrate you being off your period.

743
00:46:23,420 --> 00:46:25,710
- Huh?
- All right. All right.

744
00:46:27,060 --> 00:46:29,989
What were all the conflicts they
taught us during emotion class?

745
00:46:29,990 --> 00:46:33,060
Man vs. Man, Man vs. Supernatural.

746
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:37,730
Man vs. Nature, Man vs...

747
00:46:38,070 --> 00:46:40,410
- Himself.
- Himself. Right.

748
00:46:42,490 --> 00:46:44,150
It's some tough shit.

749
00:46:49,340 --> 00:46:50,939
Did you get in an accident?

750
00:46:50,940 --> 00:46:52,940
Sure yea. Something like that.

751
00:46:53,310 --> 00:46:54,940
- You clean up nice.
- Oh. Thanks.

752
00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:03,839
There we go. Don't Stop Believin'.

753
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:06,859
Oh. No. You can't play Don't Stop Believing.

754
00:47:06,860 --> 00:47:07,930
Why not?

755
00:47:08,150 --> 00:47:12,289
Cause. You just can't.
It's a universal bar rule.

756
00:47:12,290 --> 00:47:14,519
I like it though, so...

757
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,279
I like it too. Hm.

758
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:19,279
Everyone likes it.

759
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:21,279
Then whats the problem?

760
00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:23,559
Well do you know how many
people play that song?

761
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:29,279
And then everytime it comes on everyone sings along
but in the back of their mind they're thinking

762
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:32,939
Gosh. Who is the dickhead that picked this?

763
00:47:32,940 --> 00:47:34,489
Me.

764
00:47:34,490 --> 00:47:37,079
Oh. Wow. Wow.

765
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:40,909
Wow. Okay yea. Bartenders
are going to hate me now.

766
00:47:40,910 --> 00:47:44,180
- Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.
- Ooo.

767
00:47:45,140 --> 00:47:47,020
I love you so much.

768
00:47:47,530 --> 00:47:49,760
Would you mind if we kissed?

769
00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:03,579
- Doug, stop.
- C'mon just for a second.

770
00:48:03,580 --> 00:48:06,089
- I don't think we should.
- I think it's okay. We try...

771
00:48:06,090 --> 00:48:09,500
- Leave me alone.
- I'm sorry. Look I wasn't trying to hurt

772
00:48:17,780 --> 00:48:20,400
- Who are you?
- Relax. I'm white.

773
00:48:20,790 --> 00:48:22,119
White?

774
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:23,469
Goin home with Jill huh?

775
00:48:23,470 --> 00:48:24,989
Who's Jill?

776
00:48:24,990 --> 00:48:27,640
J-I-L-L. Jill?

777
00:48:28,340 --> 00:48:30,400
Hey sailor. Hey.

778
00:48:31,130 --> 00:48:32,400
What?

779
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:37,499
Let me guess. You borrowed your dad's
car, you broke the bank on dinner,

780
00:48:37,500 --> 00:48:39,670
You acted like an all
around gentleman, and now

781
00:48:39,780 --> 00:48:42,649
Here you are wishing you would've
just stayed home and jacked off.

782
00:48:42,650 --> 00:48:44,650
Yea how do you know that?

783
00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:47,780
That's a pain every man knows.

784
00:48:48,540 --> 00:48:51,949
You know, we're all about gettin' it
in, they're all about keepin' it out

785
00:48:51,950 --> 00:48:54,089
That's why bullshit exists, all right?

786
00:48:54,090 --> 00:48:58,259
The greatest trick that a woman can ever
pull is making a man think he's in love.

787
00:48:58,260 --> 00:49:00,260
That's how they gain control.

788
00:49:01,190 --> 00:49:03,970
Okay? You want my advice?

789
00:49:05,350 --> 00:49:07,100
Remain cold.

790
00:49:07,860 --> 00:49:08,899
Remain cold?

791
00:49:08,900 --> 00:49:14,399
Yea. Exactly. If she doesn't put out you go find someone
who will. Because someone will. With a face like that

792
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:16,400
Biceps like those,

793
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:17,609
All right?

794
00:49:17,610 --> 00:49:20,820
- Okay. [Laughs]
- I'll tell you right now, handholds and kisses,

795
00:49:21,130 --> 00:49:22,820
They're not worth time or money.

796
00:49:23,490 --> 00:49:26,819
Now. Get the fuck out of the
car because I'm stealing it.

797
00:49:26,820 --> 00:49:28,820
Uh, yea.

798
00:49:31,490 --> 00:49:34,389
Uh what about that guy who puts his
whole mouth on the water fountain?

799
00:49:34,390 --> 00:49:39,039
Oh the one with the uh, the camo bandana

800
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:41,859
- and has the
- Highly original barbed wire tattoo?

801
00:49:41,860 --> 00:49:44,389
Exactly. I can't fuckin' stand that guy.

802
00:49:44,390 --> 00:49:47,180
I mean you could like a dot
to dot with his bachne.

803
00:49:49,180 --> 00:49:53,070
Thats probably the most
discusting thing I've ever heard.

804
00:49:53,490 --> 00:50:00,250
You know what? Most girls that look
like you, they're not usually..

805
00:50:00,480 --> 00:50:04,619
Funny? Intelligent? Witty?

806
00:50:04,620 --> 00:50:07,740
I wasn't gonna say any of those things.

807
00:50:09,120 --> 00:50:13,349
Well yea. I wasn't always
this effortlessly beautiful

808
00:50:13,350 --> 00:50:14,619
Effortlessly?

809
00:50:14,620 --> 00:50:16,759
I was that um,

810
00:50:16,760 --> 00:50:20,619
awkward, chubby alternative
girl in high school with the

811
00:50:20,620 --> 00:50:23,399
bad skin and the pink
rubber bands on her braces.

812
00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:28,249
Okay. Did you write the names of your favorite
bands on your backpack with a whiteout pen?

813
00:50:28,250 --> 00:50:29,969
How did you know?

814
00:50:29,970 --> 00:50:35,349
Did the same thing. Eighth grade when
I was going through my skater phase.

815
00:50:35,350 --> 00:50:37,349
- You were a skater?
- Oh hell yea.

816
00:50:37,350 --> 00:50:39,349
Rocked the Jnco's and everything.

817
00:50:39,350 --> 00:50:44,949
Wow. I just, I had you pegged for the homecomming
king with the blonde cheerleader girlfriend.

818
00:50:44,950 --> 00:50:46,949
Uh, that was senior year.

819
00:50:46,950 --> 00:50:48,950
Ok yea no never mind, I was right.

820
00:50:50,050 --> 00:50:54,609
Actually you know what? I was
in a five year relationship.

821
00:50:54,610 --> 00:50:57,939
Believe it or not. This girl, Kimmy, and

822
00:50:57,940 --> 00:51:00,439
Wow, I even thought we were
gonna get married but,

823
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:02,049
What happened?

824
00:51:02,050 --> 00:51:04,810
Um, she cheated on me.

825
00:51:06,470 --> 00:51:10,299
If it's any consolation, I've been
cheated on like, a dozen times.

826
00:51:10,300 --> 00:51:13,199
Yea no, It's probably the
worst feeling in the world.

827
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:16,190
To know that the person that you love

828
00:51:17,170 --> 00:51:18,700
Thought someone else was better.

829
00:51:18,840 --> 00:51:23,060
I just like to think that they had shitty
taste, and that I was the exception.

830
00:51:24,580 --> 00:51:27,540
Like that guy at the bar over there.
Don't look.

831
00:51:28,100 --> 00:51:33,119
I'm gonna look and pretend I'm looking
past him at something else entirely.

832
00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:35,710
Ok. Be discreet.

833
00:51:42,410 --> 00:51:47,479
Yea. No he saw me lookin' right at him.
We had like, a moment even.

834
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,480
Did you see what he was drinking?

835
00:51:49,850 --> 00:51:51,479
Bud Light?

836
00:51:51,480 --> 00:51:53,480
Bud Ice. I know right?

837
00:51:54,020 --> 00:52:00,609
He's been sucking them back like there is no tomorrow. Except
for his last beer. His last beer was an expensive micro brew.

838
00:52:00,610 --> 00:52:04,299
That's what we are. We're
the expensive micro brews.

839
00:52:04,300 --> 00:52:08,969
That one beer that people have, don't apreciate,
and then dump to go back to drinking cheap beer.

840
00:52:08,970 --> 00:52:12,969
Does that mean that we suck? No. It just
means that we are not for everyone.

841
00:52:12,970 --> 00:52:14,970
Someone will come along.

842
00:52:15,450 --> 00:52:17,540
Make us the only thing they drink.

843
00:52:20,660 --> 00:52:24,750
So. I had a good time.

844
00:52:25,590 --> 00:52:27,339
So did I.

845
00:52:27,340 --> 00:52:30,299
You know I'm only doing this
to get free sessions right?

846
00:52:30,300 --> 00:52:37,420
Oh no, I know. Your not gettin' em but it
was, gosh, it was an inspired attempt.

847
00:52:41,930 --> 00:52:43,420
So.

848
00:52:44,150 --> 00:52:46,460
I mean should we hug?

849
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:48,579
Or what?

850
00:52:48,580 --> 00:52:52,039
I don't know. I don't know.
Shake hands maybe?

851
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:53,979
Do something to say goodbye?

852
00:52:53,980 --> 00:52:55,729
Oh like say goodbye?

853
00:52:55,730 --> 00:52:57,730
Yea no, that works.

854
00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:00,289
We could friend hug.

855
00:53:00,290 --> 00:53:03,559
You know one good squeeze and then a pat.

856
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:06,350
Squeeze and pat? Perfect yea.

857
00:53:27,900 --> 00:53:31,839
Yea. Suck that. Keep it consistent.

858
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:34,119
Yea, don't stop. Oh wait. No.

859
00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:38,179
No fancy tongue shit. No.

860
00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:41,470
What happened? You went limp.

861
00:53:49,870 --> 00:53:52,150
Totally wasn't a friend hug.

862
00:53:55,190 --> 00:53:57,080
Where is that piece of shit?

863
00:53:57,670 --> 00:54:00,259
Baby I love you okay?

864
00:54:00,260 --> 00:54:01,530
Oh shit.

865
00:54:03,700 --> 00:54:08,289
So listen I was getting some head last night and
I felt something I havent felt for a while.

866
00:54:08,290 --> 00:54:13,329
You know that, warm feeling where you
care less about sex and more about love?

867
00:54:13,330 --> 00:54:19,440
So here's your job right now. You need to answer: Is
our dickless friend puppy doggin' it with someone?

868
00:54:20,910 --> 00:54:25,219
Hm? What? Oh shit.

869
00:54:25,220 --> 00:54:27,889
Did I hit you too hard?

870
00:54:27,890 --> 00:54:30,480
Ah I guess I'm gonna have to
go straight to the source.

871
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:47,409
This is not good.

872
00:54:47,410 --> 00:54:49,409
He says he can feel you.

873
00:54:49,410 --> 00:54:54,649
Well, Good. Good. I hope I'm distracting
him as much as he used to distract me.

874
00:54:54,650 --> 00:54:57,549
I dunno man. I think you set
him off with that girl.

875
00:54:57,550 --> 00:54:59,469
You think he's losin' power or somethin'?

876
00:54:59,470 --> 00:55:03,520
I haven't been fucked up in a parking lot
since I tried to pursue a career in MMA.

877
00:55:04,510 --> 00:55:06,509
Whatever it is, he's pissed.

878
00:55:06,510 --> 00:55:08,649
He deserves it. All right?

879
00:55:08,650 --> 00:55:12,110
You were right. I'm better off without him.

880
00:55:19,300 --> 00:55:21,320
What are we doing?

881
00:55:22,420 --> 00:55:23,969
It's a surprise.

882
00:55:23,970 --> 00:55:27,130
If this is a surprise, I'm
surprised it sucks so much.

883
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:31,379
- I'm just kidding.
- No. I know. It's not that.

884
00:55:31,380 --> 00:55:33,379
What is it?

885
00:55:33,380 --> 00:55:35,379
I can't tell you.

886
00:55:35,380 --> 00:55:39,940
Cmon. You hit like a baby kangaroo.

887
00:55:41,550 --> 00:55:49,550
All right. So you know how you always, you kow how you said
you, always wanted to kiss in the rain? Well Weather.com said,

888
00:55:52,930 --> 00:55:56,950
Should be raining, right now.

889
00:55:58,420 --> 00:56:01,289
You brought us out here to kiss in the rain?

890
00:56:01,290 --> 00:56:04,360
No not kiss. Make out passionately.

891
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:08,329
I don't know what to say.

892
00:56:08,330 --> 00:56:12,500
Well you could say, uh, Fuck you weather.com

893
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:34,639
- Hey whats wrong?
- Nah. Nothing. Why?

894
00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:37,399
It's just that guys usually don't pull
away when girls take off their pants.

895
00:56:37,400 --> 00:56:40,080
I just, you know, I wanna
take things slow. That's all.

896
00:56:46,950 --> 00:56:48,869
I'm sorry, I..

897
00:56:48,870 --> 00:56:50,870
I'm not ready.

898
00:57:03,150 --> 00:57:06,440
This is Lindsay, again.

899
00:57:07,430 --> 00:57:11,000
Look, I don't know what the hell is going
on but this is really fuckin' lame.

900
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:17,930
- Maybe he had an outbreak.
- That's gross.

901
00:57:18,050 --> 00:57:24,049
Well why else would he reject you? A guy turning down sex is
like a dog turning down chocolate. It just doesn't happen.

902
00:57:24,050 --> 00:57:26,049
He said he wasn't ready.

903
00:57:26,050 --> 00:57:29,899
Seriously? That's our line. That's not his.

904
00:57:29,900 --> 00:57:32,099
If he's not calling you back, screw him.

905
00:57:32,100 --> 00:57:36,069
You can do a lot better than a personal
trainer. There's like billions of them.

906
00:57:36,070 --> 00:57:41,059
- It's just I wanted to take him to my sister's
wedding too, and - Katie Cambell, is that you?

907
00:57:41,060 --> 00:57:43,059
Oh my god it's been years.

908
00:57:43,060 --> 00:57:45,849
- Excuse me?
- Oh my God.

909
00:57:45,850 --> 00:57:49,649
I'm so sorry. I thought you were
one of my classmates from Oxford.

910
00:57:49,650 --> 00:57:52,129
Nah. I went to school here in state.

911
00:57:52,130 --> 00:57:55,479
I feel even stupider now because I just
realized that you guys look nothing alike.

912
00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:56,889
You're much prettier than she was.

913
00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:58,689
She's single.

914
00:57:58,690 --> 00:58:02,889
Oh. Really? I mean, maybe I should stick
around and flirt a little bit then.

915
00:58:02,890 --> 00:58:06,520
- I'm just kidding, um, not really
- Would you like to join us?

916
00:58:06,910 --> 00:58:10,289
- Yea. If um,
- Linday.

917
00:58:10,290 --> 00:58:12,290
If Lindsay doesn't object.

918
00:58:12,550 --> 00:58:14,130
Please.

919
00:58:15,840 --> 00:58:20,859
So. Is that Lindsay with an
A, or Lindsay with an E?

920
00:58:20,860 --> 00:58:21,929
A.

921
00:58:21,930 --> 00:58:26,599
I knew it. A Lindsays always put E
Lindsays to shame. That's a fact.

922
00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:28,379
I'm R.P. by the way.

923
00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:29,389
Hi.

924
00:58:29,390 --> 00:58:31,389
- Hi I'm Samantha.
- Samantha?
- Yea.

925
00:58:31,390 --> 00:58:32,999
Why aren't you gorgeous?

926
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,000
So what do you do R.P?

927
00:58:35,530 --> 00:58:38,799
Actually, kind of a, kind of a mouthful. Um,

928
00:58:38,800 --> 00:58:44,599
I am the international coordinator
for a number of charities worldwide.

929
00:58:44,600 --> 00:58:46,829
Oh wow. Do you have a favorite?

930
00:58:46,830 --> 00:58:51,050
They're all equally rewarding,
I'd say in their own way. But

931
00:58:52,150 --> 00:58:55,220
We did just do a pants drive
for the torso foundation.

932
00:58:56,260 --> 00:58:57,869
I've not heard of that one.

933
00:58:57,870 --> 00:59:01,949
It's a charity. It's for people that have
lost the lower halves of their bodies.

934
00:59:01,950 --> 00:59:08,599
Boating accidents and tumors. Stray
cables in amusement park rides. But,

935
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:14,989
Watching them come together and donate their
old pants really puts things in perspective.

936
00:59:14,990 --> 00:59:17,389
Ya know. Maybe I'm sappy but

937
00:59:17,390 --> 00:59:21,780
I guess you don't need a pair of legs
to walk a mile in someone else's pants.

938
00:59:21,950 --> 00:59:25,870
Anyway I feel stupid. I have a confession.

939
00:59:26,490 --> 00:59:30,029
There is no Katie Cambell. I didn't know
how to come over and say hi to you.

940
00:59:30,030 --> 00:59:31,329
I'm sorry.

941
00:59:31,330 --> 00:59:36,569
Oh you lied because you were nervous? That
is so cute. Isn't that so cute Lindsay?

942
00:59:36,570 --> 00:59:39,019
Yes I do love an honest liar.

943
00:59:39,020 --> 00:59:44,570
Wow. If you let me take you out to dinner
I'd lie to you all night. Honestly.

944
00:59:46,770 --> 00:59:53,500
All right. So Lindsay, I don't know how
to tell you this but, My penis is gone.

945
00:59:54,060 --> 00:59:55,859
Penis is M.I.A.

946
00:59:55,860 --> 01:00:00,680
My penis is gone on definite haitus.

947
01:00:02,790 --> 01:00:03,639
Hello?

948
01:00:03,640 --> 01:00:05,640
<i>Whaddup Kid?</i>

949
01:00:07,500 --> 01:00:09,329
What do you want?

950
01:00:09,330 --> 01:00:11,330
You can't say whaddup back?

951
01:00:11,890 --> 01:00:13,049
Whaddup?

952
01:00:13,050 --> 01:00:15,969
Oh you know just gettin'
more ass than gay Latin men.

953
01:00:15,970 --> 01:00:17,549
Haven't you felt it?

954
01:00:17,550 --> 01:00:18,929
Uh no I haven't.

955
01:00:18,930 --> 01:00:21,379
<i>Oh that's wierd because I've been
feeling you getting all lovey dovey</i>

956
01:00:21,380 --> 01:00:25,039
- I figured you'd be feelin' me gettin' all bust a nutty.
- What do you want?

957
01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:27,659
<i>I was gonna call and invite
you to dinner tomorrow night.</i>

958
01:00:27,660 --> 01:00:32,619
I'm gonna be down at the Bougie Fondue place down
in Armitige. Ya know it looks pretty low key but

959
01:00:32,620 --> 01:00:33,919
Kind of expensive.

960
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,199
Sorry I'm gonna have to pass on that.

961
01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:39,239
<i>You're not gonna wanna do that.</i>

962
01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:41,999
- And why is that?
- <i>Ahh there in lies the fun.</i>

963
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:44,989
You're just gonna have to trust that I've
got something mind blowing for your ass.

964
01:00:44,990 --> 01:00:47,859
You're probably gonna wanna
put it in your memoirs.

965
01:00:47,860 --> 01:00:53,270
<i>And don't even think about not showing up because I
will make your life suck harder than the W.N.B.A.</i>

966
01:00:53,580 --> 01:00:56,989
I'll make sure the whole world knows
you're packin' a blank canvas.

967
01:00:56,990 --> 01:00:58,679
You wouldn't.

968
01:00:58,680 --> 01:01:00,529
Uhh. Actually, yea I would.

969
01:01:00,530 --> 01:01:03,100
<i>So holla back bitch.</i>

970
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:15,179
I haven't told you how
beautiful you look tonight.

971
01:01:15,180 --> 01:01:16,169
Thank you.

972
01:01:16,170 --> 01:01:18,810
Don't thank me. I said
that I haven't told you.

973
01:01:20,840 --> 01:01:22,250
Do you know why?

974
01:01:23,350 --> 01:01:24,249
Why?

975
01:01:24,250 --> 01:01:28,699
Because I can't find the words to
express how beautiful you look.

976
01:01:28,700 --> 01:01:33,629
Um, you know you don't need to spit game,
I'm already having dinner with you.

977
01:01:33,630 --> 01:01:35,659
I'm not spitting game. I am just like

978
01:01:35,660 --> 01:01:39,259
Grenade launching it everywhere I can.

979
01:01:39,260 --> 01:01:40,869
Like me. Please.

980
01:01:40,870 --> 01:01:42,869
You're kind of a dork you kow that?

981
01:01:42,870 --> 01:01:44,869
- Is that a bad thing? Or
- No

982
01:01:44,870 --> 01:01:46,979
Not at all. It's better
than not being a dork.

983
01:01:46,980 --> 01:01:50,530
I'm kind of a late bloomer. Kind
of comes with the territory.

984
01:01:51,090 --> 01:01:53,209
So I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

985
01:01:53,210 --> 01:01:56,219
And then when I come back
I will be initiating

986
01:01:56,220 --> 01:02:00,389
light contact. Just wanna warn you.

987
01:02:00,390 --> 01:02:03,260
And it might come from under the table.

988
01:02:27,370 --> 01:02:29,599
Oh my God. Rich?

989
01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:33,929
What? No. No no no no no no.

990
01:02:33,930 --> 01:02:36,299
You stay the fuck away from her okay?

991
01:02:36,300 --> 01:02:37,769
I'm sorry do I know you?

992
01:02:37,770 --> 01:02:40,749
- Don't play that shit with me. I am not scared of you.
- Rich.

993
01:02:40,750 --> 01:02:42,499
What are you doing here?

994
01:02:42,500 --> 01:02:44,499
He told me to come.

995
01:02:44,500 --> 01:02:47,119
I have never seen this guy in my life.

996
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:49,120
Bull shit. Bull shit.

997
01:02:50,300 --> 01:02:53,790
Bull shit okay. He is my...

998
01:02:54,380 --> 01:02:55,790
Your what?

999
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:57,509
Your what?

1000
01:02:57,510 --> 01:02:59,679
Nothin'. Nothing.

1001
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,899
- No. What were you you going to say?
- Yea what?

1002
01:03:01,900 --> 01:03:04,920
Nothin'. He's my doppleganger.

1003
01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:09,309
Oh that's really sad. I've
heard about a mental illness

1004
01:03:09,310 --> 01:03:12,469
Shut up okay. Lindsay, you
have to listen to me okay?

1005
01:03:12,470 --> 01:03:14,779
You want to stay away from this guy. He's

1006
01:03:14,780 --> 01:03:16,019
[Gasping]

1007
01:03:16,020 --> 01:03:18,019
- Oh shit.
- Oh my God.

1008
01:03:18,020 --> 01:03:20,020
That guy had no dick.

1009
01:03:24,410 --> 01:03:27,420
Wow. Very odd.

1010
01:03:34,210 --> 01:03:38,580
- Sorry about everything that happened tonight.
- Don't be. It's not your fault.

1011
01:03:39,060 --> 01:03:45,219
I just can't believe that he had nothing down there. I mean
do you think that it's like a birth defect or a cancer thing?

1012
01:03:45,220 --> 01:03:47,220
Don't know.

1013
01:03:48,440 --> 01:03:52,070
Why would the bus boy just
pull down his pants like that?

1014
01:03:53,220 --> 01:03:56,659
I think bus boys just have a
sixth sense about bad people.

1015
01:03:56,660 --> 01:03:58,970
You kow? Kind of like animals.

1016
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:01,869
Is something going on between you two?

1017
01:04:01,870 --> 01:04:05,219
I don't know whats going on.

1018
01:04:05,220 --> 01:04:08,859
I mean obviously I have no idea
what happened between you two

1019
01:04:08,860 --> 01:04:13,639
I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that
he's got an anchor for sale and he's batshit crazy but

1020
01:04:13,640 --> 01:04:17,019
It's not my business. I'm not one to judge.

1021
01:04:17,020 --> 01:04:19,809
I just don't wanna interfere
with anything so...

1022
01:04:19,810 --> 01:04:22,009
If you want me to back off
I totally understand.

1023
01:04:22,010 --> 01:04:24,519
No. It's fine.

1024
01:04:24,520 --> 01:04:27,160
You sure? I like you.

1025
01:04:28,210 --> 01:04:30,210
Sorry, sounds like a,

1026
01:04:32,490 --> 01:04:35,159
Wanna go on a picnic this saturday?

1027
01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:37,589
Can't. My sister's getting married.

1028
01:04:37,590 --> 01:04:40,989
Oh no shit. Well congratulations to her.

1029
01:04:40,990 --> 01:04:42,989
- Open bar?
- Oh yea.

1030
01:04:42,990 --> 01:04:48,459
Nice. You know no government recognized life long
commitment is complete without copious amounts of alcohol.

1031
01:04:48,460 --> 01:04:50,460
Tell me about it.

1032
01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:55,470
Do you maybe wanna come with me?

1033
01:04:56,490 --> 01:04:58,200
What? Like be your date?

1034
01:04:58,570 --> 01:05:00,460
Oh not at all.

1035
01:05:00,740 --> 01:05:07,159
I'll be buzzed and flirting with you, with the romantic
backdrop of a wedding? Of course I wanna go with you.

1036
01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:09,160
- Fuck a picnic.
- Great.

1037
01:05:10,600 --> 01:05:14,090
- See you Saturday then?
- Saturday it is.

1038
01:05:16,650 --> 01:05:17,809
Oh I'm sorry.

1039
01:05:17,810 --> 01:05:22,399
No that's okay. I know it's not me.
My confidence is still intact.

1040
01:05:22,400 --> 01:05:24,400
So I'll just be handsome for you on Saturday?

1041
01:05:26,620 --> 01:05:31,610
Who is that? Is that.. Gotcha anyway.

1042
01:05:51,470 --> 01:05:56,120
<i>Hello it's Lindsay. [Laughs] Just kidding.
Leave a message. Not here.</i>

1043
01:05:58,570 --> 01:06:02,369
Two hundred and seventy nine missed calls.
That's a new stalker record.

1044
01:06:02,370 --> 01:06:04,759
- Give me back my phone.
- No I won't.

1045
01:06:04,760 --> 01:06:09,560
I'm holding onto this for your own good. Cause the
sooner that psycho is out of your life the better.

1046
01:06:12,290 --> 01:06:12,340
- He's not a psycho.
- Lindsay he doesn't have a dick.

1047
01:06:12,341 --> 01:06:17,349
He could be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys circa
1999 and I'd still be like: Kick him to the curb.

1048
01:06:17,350 --> 01:06:21,799
You can't be with somebody that
you can't have sex with. All right?

1049
01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:25,300
He doesn't have a dick.

1050
01:06:30,900 --> 01:06:31,769
Lindsay?

1051
01:06:31,770 --> 01:06:34,899
No, but I did make her face look
like a Cinnabun last night.

1052
01:06:34,900 --> 01:06:36,900
You mother fucker.

1053
01:06:37,150 --> 01:06:38,169
Where are you?

1054
01:06:38,170 --> 01:06:41,889
<i>I am</i> at a payphone somewhere.

1055
01:06:41,890 --> 01:06:43,889
Actually I don't know how I
keep finding these things.

1056
01:06:43,890 --> 01:06:45,129
- Where's Lindsay?
- <i>Oh.</i>

1057
01:06:45,130 --> 01:06:47,799
Don't worry about her. She's home
safe right now. She's recovering.

1058
01:06:47,800 --> 01:06:51,909
So that uh, That birthmark on her
right hip, that didn't bother you?

1059
01:06:51,910 --> 01:06:55,039
Nope. Reverse side cowgirl. All night.

1060
01:06:55,040 --> 01:06:56,559
Didn't have to see one deformity.

1061
01:06:56,560 --> 01:06:58,789
Yea ya know she doesn't have a birthmark.

1062
01:06:58,790 --> 01:07:01,689
Oh. Ok. Fine. great. You got me.

1063
01:07:01,690 --> 01:07:04,949
But you're still a bitch. And
she's still an inevitability.

1064
01:07:04,950 --> 01:07:07,259
<i>We're going to a wedding
this weekend together.</i>

1065
01:07:07,260 --> 01:07:09,909
Weddings are pretty condusive to penetration.

1066
01:07:09,910 --> 01:07:11,769
Are you really calling me just to talk shit?

1067
01:07:11,770 --> 01:07:13,769
Right. I just can't call and talk shit?

1068
01:07:13,770 --> 01:07:15,399
I thought you knew me better than that.

1069
01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:19,179
But no. I called to tell you that girlfriends
are for guys who can't get pussy.

1070
01:07:19,180 --> 01:07:23,229
And you're just trying to blow up right now because
you're no longer a force on the fuck circuit.

1071
01:07:23,230 --> 01:07:29,379
So I suggest that you don't or I will find whoever you
fall for and I tear them up like a losing scratch off.

1072
01:07:29,380 --> 01:07:34,050
Save yourself some pain,
and uh, call it a life.

1073
01:07:47,370 --> 01:07:48,389
<i>Hello?</i>

1074
01:07:48,390 --> 01:07:51,039
Hi. I was just calling to say
that I just found your dog Rusty.

1075
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:55,400
<i>Are you serious? Thank heaven. Baby!
They found Rusty. They got Rusty!</i>

1076
01:07:59,150 --> 01:08:03,200
I'm just fucking with you guys. I don't
know where the hell your dog is.

1077
01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:14,100
I don't think this is a battle you can win.

1078
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:17,649
Drian said the exact same thing to Rocky

1079
01:08:17,650 --> 01:08:20,639
Right before he fought Drago.

1080
01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:22,640
Rocky's a retard.

1081
01:08:23,650 --> 01:08:26,499
- He blocks with his head.
- Rocky has heart.

1082
01:08:26,500 --> 01:08:31,790
So did Rudy and everyone knew not
to give that motherfucker a chance.

1083
01:08:33,230 --> 01:08:37,119
Look. This isn't about me anymore okay.
This is about Lindsay.

1084
01:08:37,120 --> 01:08:41,680
And I will be God damned if I let
my dick have his way with her.

1085
01:08:43,260 --> 01:08:45,120
How are you going to stop him?

1086
01:08:45,230 --> 01:08:46,500
Well...

1087
01:08:47,590 --> 01:08:51,709
No. No Rich. I am not getting involved.

1088
01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:52,660
Not.

1089
01:08:53,990 --> 01:08:57,680
God damn it. Why are you so charming?

1090
01:09:07,790 --> 01:09:09,339
I'm having a great time with you.

1091
01:09:09,340 --> 01:09:12,829
Oh. I'm having fun too. I was
worried it might be a little weird.

1092
01:09:12,830 --> 01:09:17,340
Yea. I sense that. But all that
matters is you're having a good time.

1093
01:09:17,960 --> 01:09:21,219
By the way I've got a wonderful
evening planned for us.

1094
01:09:21,220 --> 01:09:23,219
You have an evening planned for us?

1095
01:09:23,220 --> 01:09:26,799
Yea no. We're gonna be leaving here
shitfaced. But regardless I thought

1096
01:09:26,800 --> 01:09:29,620
It'd be nice to ride high on
the sentiment of the day.

1097
01:09:29,960 --> 01:09:34,270
That, and I have a giant
middle school crush on you.

1098
01:09:36,940 --> 01:09:39,479
Proper girl in the hat just
eye fucked the shit outta me.

1099
01:09:39,480 --> 01:09:41,699
Do not quote Wedding Crashers.

1100
01:09:41,700 --> 01:09:42,910
We're crashing a wedding.

1101
01:09:43,220 --> 01:09:46,070
- Why can't I quote Wedding Crashers?
- Because. It's played out.

1102
01:09:46,800 --> 01:09:49,339
Oh hey. This is my uncle Bob.

1103
01:09:49,340 --> 01:09:50,739
Oh. It's a pleasure.

1104
01:09:50,740 --> 01:09:54,629
- My aunt Judy.
- Judy. Very lovely. Bob you dog.

1105
01:09:54,630 --> 01:09:57,249
This is my little cousin Gabby.

1106
01:09:57,250 --> 01:10:01,499
Oh. Well hello there. Gabby.

1107
01:10:01,500 --> 01:10:02,970
Wow.

1108
01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:07,590
Aren't you gonna be hot when you get older.
Please remember me?

1109
01:10:09,450 --> 01:10:13,920
Yea. She still beleives in Santa.
Who want's more champagne?

1110
01:10:14,430 --> 01:10:15,920
Right there. There they are.

1111
01:10:16,940 --> 01:10:18,849
All right. Did you bring it?

1112
01:10:18,850 --> 01:10:20,850
It's right here.

1113
01:10:22,460 --> 01:10:25,140
What would I do without you?

1114
01:10:42,260 --> 01:10:50,260
Hey I'm gonna get some, hit the, head.
Um, is what I meant to say. You good?

1115
01:10:55,330 --> 01:10:59,499
Excuse me, could you slip this
to that girl right over there?

1116
01:10:59,500 --> 01:11:01,439
Um. Excuse me.

1117
01:11:01,440 --> 01:11:04,650
But do I look like a fucking messenger?

1118
01:11:05,050 --> 01:11:08,119
"Meet me at Schiller's Statue."

1119
01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:11,379
Oh. What the fuck is this?

1120
01:11:11,380 --> 01:11:13,379
Oh no wait. Let me guess.

1121
01:11:13,380 --> 01:11:15,379
You want to get her alone

1122
01:11:15,380 --> 01:11:18,759
So you can profess your undying love for her

1123
01:11:18,760 --> 01:11:22,259
And then steal her away
from the guy she's with.

1124
01:11:22,260 --> 01:11:25,999
Oh that is so fucking original, really.

1125
01:11:26,000 --> 01:11:30,880
And you know what though? I really don't wanna
be a part of that. So I'm gonna tell you what.

1126
01:11:31,160 --> 01:11:36,849
Judging from your behavior, you seem like a major creeper, which
is probably why she doesn't wanna be with you. And you know what?

1127
01:11:36,850 --> 01:11:40,369
I wouldn't want to be with you either,
and you are normally my type.

1128
01:11:40,370 --> 01:11:45,579
But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna
tell on you cause that is bad, fucking, karma.

1129
01:11:45,580 --> 01:11:52,870
But I am gonna strongly suggest, that you
sir, get outta here. Thank you. So much.

1130
01:11:54,590 --> 01:11:55,630
Wow.

1131
01:11:56,310 --> 01:11:57,379
Excuse me.

1132
01:11:57,380 --> 01:11:59,940
Could you hand this to that
girl right over there?

1133
01:12:00,480 --> 01:12:01,660
Sure.

1134
01:12:04,480 --> 01:12:07,380
Excuse me Miss. This is for you.

1135
01:12:07,750 --> 01:12:09,040
Thank you.

1136
01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:34,809
Please. Don't freak out.

1137
01:12:34,810 --> 01:12:36,810
I can't promise anything.

1138
01:12:38,030 --> 01:12:42,109
I know I'm in no position to explain
myself and I'm not even gonna try.

1139
01:12:42,110 --> 01:12:46,000
Okay? I just came here because I want
to show you something, and that is all.

1140
01:12:47,260 --> 01:12:51,179
And you look fabulous in
that dress by the way.

1141
01:12:51,180 --> 01:12:52,360
Thanks.

1142
01:12:53,150 --> 01:12:54,899
I have a good trainer.

1143
01:12:54,900 --> 01:12:57,710
Yes you do. All right. Right here.

1144
01:13:02,640 --> 01:13:07,319
Damn girl. You shouldn't be eye fucking the shit
outta me if you're gonna make me work like this.

1145
01:13:07,320 --> 01:13:09,320
- What the hell is this?
- Lindsay.

1146
01:13:09,490 --> 01:13:10,899
Rich?

1147
01:13:10,900 --> 01:13:12,389
I guess you do know me.

1148
01:13:12,390 --> 01:13:13,679
This isn't what it looks like.

1149
01:13:13,680 --> 01:13:18,469
If it looks like he was all over me trying to get
me to blow him, then yea it is what it looks like.

1150
01:13:18,470 --> 01:13:20,019
Please don't say that again.

1151
01:13:20,020 --> 01:13:22,559
I'm sorry. You're the one
who made me do this.

1152
01:13:22,560 --> 01:13:24,669
Rich is lucky I love him so much.

1153
01:13:24,670 --> 01:13:26,749
- Thank you Emily.
- You're welcome Rich.

1154
01:13:26,750 --> 01:13:29,319
I'm taking you home and
bathing you in Pine Sol.

1155
01:13:29,320 --> 01:13:34,610
I was drinking. She started comming onto me. I was telling her
to stop. I was pushing her away and she just kept comming at me.

1156
01:13:36,050 --> 01:13:37,509
He set this up.

1157
01:13:37,510 --> 01:13:39,459
Excuses. Excuses.

1158
01:13:39,460 --> 01:13:41,460
Lindsay, please.

1159
01:13:42,700 --> 01:13:44,300
It's gonna be like that?

1160
01:13:48,080 --> 01:13:50,670
No. No. No.

1161
01:13:50,920 --> 01:13:53,710
I can't let you guys get all toughy feely.

1162
01:13:54,410 --> 01:13:56,980
Oh. Hey officer. We're fine.

1163
01:13:59,990 --> 01:14:02,920
- Let go of me you asshole.
- You forgot to say please.

1164
01:14:07,030 --> 01:14:10,500
There's a bomb strapped to us.
There's a bomb.

1165
01:14:15,280 --> 01:14:18,610
The cake always gets destroyed baby.
Don't act surprised.

1166
01:14:29,260 --> 01:14:31,169
Help!

1167
01:14:31,170 --> 01:14:34,270
We're just role playing.
There's no need to be alarmed.

1168
01:14:34,780 --> 01:14:36,520
No ones gonna help you.

1169
01:14:41,110 --> 01:14:42,519
Why are you doing this?

1170
01:14:42,520 --> 01:14:44,519
What? You don't like being kidnapped?

1171
01:14:44,520 --> 01:14:47,060
I'm messing with you.

1172
01:14:47,620 --> 01:14:50,689
Me and Rich. We go together
like corn-rows and crime.

1173
01:14:50,690 --> 01:14:54,239
Unfortunately that pesky little heart
of his could fuck up my very existence.

1174
01:14:54,240 --> 01:14:56,239
So it goes down to the whole Darwinian thing

1175
01:14:56,240 --> 01:15:01,339
I was hoping you'd fall for me but since it's not looking
like we're gonna be smelling each other's farts anytime soon,

1176
01:15:01,340 --> 01:15:03,480
I'm just gonna amke sure
you don't fall for Rich.

1177
01:15:05,060 --> 01:15:09,199
And I think it's hard to fall for someone
if you're falling off a building.

1178
01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:09,930
[Screams]

1179
01:15:10,520 --> 01:15:12,720
Did anyone see a girl being kidnapped?

1180
01:15:12,940 --> 01:15:14,429
This part of the role playing too?

1181
01:15:14,430 --> 01:15:16,830
No it's not, roleplaying.

1182
01:15:27,420 --> 01:15:30,799
- God. You're not the lightest thing are you?
- I'm a size three. Asshole.

1183
01:15:30,800 --> 01:15:33,420
Where? Old Navy?

1184
01:15:37,170 --> 01:15:41,189
It's a pity things didn't work out.
Tonight was gonna be amazing.

1185
01:15:41,190 --> 01:15:49,190
I was gonna cuddle you and love you and romance you and then stretch
you. Hope I get a refund on that room. Fingers crossed right?

1186
01:15:52,880 --> 01:15:55,161
All right. Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Where'd she go?

1187
01:15:58,230 --> 01:15:59,839
There she is. There she is.

1188
01:15:59,840 --> 01:16:01,419
Stay the fuck away from me.

1189
01:16:01,420 --> 01:16:03,610
Just come look at the view with me please.

1190
01:16:06,770 --> 01:16:08,059
Oh. Fuck. [Laughing]

1191
01:16:08,060 --> 01:16:10,510
Whoo. That was so fuckin' meta.

1192
01:16:11,220 --> 01:16:13,980
Ah. Shit. You Again.

1193
01:16:14,370 --> 01:16:16,149
You're like gum on a fuckin' shoe.

1194
01:16:16,150 --> 01:16:17,469
You need to stay away from her.

1195
01:16:17,470 --> 01:16:21,329
Why? So you guys can just go ride off into
the sunset and grind your crotches together?

1196
01:16:21,330 --> 01:16:24,289
- Eh, I don't think so.
- You're getting weaker.

1197
01:16:24,290 --> 01:16:26,629
Aren't you? I mean thats
why you just, you can't

1198
01:16:26,630 --> 01:16:27,839
Leave us alone?

1199
01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:31,129
Wow. You are so brilliant.

1200
01:16:31,130 --> 01:16:33,189
You fuckin' cracked the code man.

1201
01:16:33,190 --> 01:16:35,129
What the hell are you talking about?

1202
01:16:35,130 --> 01:16:38,880
He is, he's not, my doppleganger. Okay? He...

1203
01:16:39,700 --> 01:16:41,410
He's my penis.

1204
01:16:43,750 --> 01:16:45,609
Don't think about it too hard darling. It's

1205
01:16:45,610 --> 01:16:47,079
Pretty complicated.

1206
01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:50,399
- No nope no no no.
- Look, I'm not leaving without her.

1207
01:16:50,400 --> 01:16:53,610
Oh ok well uh, then you're not leaving.

1208
01:16:54,200 --> 01:16:58,759
Hey you wanna know why I am who
I am and he is who he isn't?

1209
01:16:58,760 --> 01:17:01,129
Because he can't behave himself.

1210
01:17:01,130 --> 01:17:04,339
He's cheated on every single
girlfriend that he's ever had.

1211
01:17:04,340 --> 01:17:06,229
- That is not true.
- Oh. Okay.

1212
01:17:06,230 --> 01:17:09,129
How about I tell a little story then. So...

1213
01:17:09,130 --> 01:17:11,779
Rich dated this girl Kimmy
for about what, five years?

1214
01:17:11,780 --> 01:17:15,749
She was perfect actually. Anyway she took a heavy
shit on his heart by sleeping with somebody else

1215
01:17:15,750 --> 01:17:18,479
Which is... actually pretty sad huh?

1216
01:17:18,480 --> 01:17:22,590
Except, he cheated, on her.

1217
01:17:23,330 --> 01:17:24,850
A few times.

1218
01:17:24,990 --> 01:17:29,269
And nobody knew it. Not even his
little fuckin, butt body Josh.

1219
01:17:29,270 --> 01:17:32,899
And then he likes to blame
their failure on her cold ways

1220
01:17:32,900 --> 01:17:37,940
when the reality is that he was
fucking around, the whole time.

1221
01:17:40,340 --> 01:17:42,479
Look. Things are gonna be different.

1222
01:17:42,480 --> 01:17:46,079
Haven't you figured it out yet Rich?
As long as I'm here,

1223
01:17:46,080 --> 01:17:48,309
It's always gonna be the same.

1224
01:17:48,310 --> 01:17:50,839
No. It's not.

1225
01:17:50,840 --> 01:17:54,559
Okay. I blamed you for a
lot of things in the past.

1226
01:17:54,560 --> 01:17:57,629
Okay I made excuses. But
I am stronger than you.

1227
01:17:57,630 --> 01:18:00,819
Okay It's my fault for never saying no.

1228
01:18:00,820 --> 01:18:05,429
I mean, I was a shitty person. Simple
as that. And I know, I know I can't

1229
01:18:05,430 --> 01:18:07,429
Be with her and give her what she needs,

1230
01:18:07,430 --> 01:18:10,809
and that sucks, and it hurts. But,

1231
01:18:10,810 --> 01:18:12,809
That's not what this is about.

1232
01:18:12,810 --> 01:18:14,809
This is about,

1233
01:18:14,810 --> 01:18:18,900
Keeping her away from someone like you.

1234
01:18:20,190 --> 01:18:23,350
- Well let's test that resolve.
- Let's.

1235
01:18:31,290 --> 01:18:34,470
Is that all you've got? You used
to jerk me off harder than that.

1236
01:18:42,730 --> 01:18:45,260
You got short legs. You can't do it.
I've got long legs.

1237
01:18:49,520 --> 01:18:51,430
Oh okay. Whoa.

1238
01:18:52,050 --> 01:18:54,469
All right. Game changer.

1239
01:18:54,470 --> 01:18:58,129
A little cyanide? Good yea. Right
now is a perfect time to end it.

1240
01:18:58,130 --> 01:19:01,059
No this is for erectile dysfunction.

1241
01:19:01,060 --> 01:19:03,060
You gonna stiffen me up?

1242
01:19:03,880 --> 01:19:05,989
That's not gonna work.

1243
01:19:05,990 --> 01:19:07,990
We're about to find out. Okay?

1244
01:19:17,290 --> 01:19:18,919
It's that gun that's just out of reach.

1245
01:19:18,920 --> 01:19:20,919
Here you wanna graze it? Here you go.

1246
01:19:20,920 --> 01:19:23,680
Just give it a little graze
with those fingertips.

1247
01:19:26,580 --> 01:19:29,169
Yea. Oh great.

1248
01:19:29,170 --> 01:19:31,649
Now we gotta wait an hour and a
half for them to take effect.

1249
01:19:31,650 --> 01:19:33,650
These are one fifties.

1250
01:19:34,020 --> 01:19:36,160
Yea.

1251
01:19:37,060 --> 01:19:41,000
Whew. Yea. They are good.
I feel fucking good.

1252
01:19:42,950 --> 01:19:44,890
You gettin' fucked up son.

1253
01:19:54,610 --> 01:19:58,580
Remember me? Bitch slap, bitch
slap, bitch slap, pimp pimp.

1254
01:20:01,540 --> 01:20:04,069
I like you better when
you're a damsel in distress.

1255
01:20:04,070 --> 01:20:06,070
Whew. Where's he gonna go?

1256
01:20:11,790 --> 01:20:13,850
[Screaming] No. Wait. Please.

1257
01:20:15,820 --> 01:20:17,540
Get up please.

1258
01:20:18,440 --> 01:20:20,130
Probably shouldn't have my back to him.

1259
01:20:21,310 --> 01:20:23,899
Can you do me a solid and let
me know if he's commin' up?

1260
01:20:23,900 --> 01:20:24,630
Fuck you.

1261
01:20:24,690 --> 01:20:26,070
Oh thank you.

1262
01:20:31,140 --> 01:20:33,310
Oh. You wanna go another round?

1263
01:20:34,040 --> 01:20:35,230
Okay.

1264
01:21:03,870 --> 01:21:05,360
I win.

1265
01:21:12,740 --> 01:21:14,430
We got him.

1266
01:21:19,280 --> 01:21:22,239
Here we go folks. Got you a little blanket.

1267
01:21:22,240 --> 01:21:26,689
Oh thank you. It's like
70 degrees out here so,

1268
01:21:26,690 --> 01:21:28,739
we don't need a blanket.

1269
01:21:28,740 --> 01:21:30,739
Thank you for saving me.

1270
01:21:30,740 --> 01:21:35,140
Sure yea. I mean I'm gonna have to bill ya
for a few extra training sessions. But,

1271
01:21:35,420 --> 01:21:36,830
Shut up.

1272
01:21:38,010 --> 01:21:39,949
All right look.

1273
01:21:39,950 --> 01:21:44,150
So, I know, that I'm not

1274
01:21:44,520 --> 01:21:47,249
all there, so to speak.

1275
01:21:47,250 --> 01:21:47,899
But,

1276
01:21:47,900 --> 01:21:51,700
Hey. I wanna make it work too.

1277
01:21:53,080 --> 01:21:54,570
Yea?

1278
01:22:08,460 --> 01:22:09,870
What?

1279
01:22:14,120 --> 01:22:15,580
Rich.

1280
01:22:16,510 --> 01:22:21,669
Oh my God. What? Oh yes!

1281
01:22:21,670 --> 01:22:23,669
Oh I own you bitch.

1282
01:22:23,670 --> 01:22:25,269
Where's the perp?

1283
01:22:25,270 --> 01:22:28,029
He's gone. He vanished. Like Yoda.

1284
01:22:28,030 --> 01:22:30,339
He did a slow fade into nothin'?

1285
01:22:30,340 --> 01:22:32,680
No. Just the blink of the eye.

1286
01:22:32,930 --> 01:22:36,450
Ok then it's not like Yoda.
Because Yoda faded away.

1287
01:22:38,090 --> 01:22:39,329
Right.

1288
01:22:39,330 --> 01:22:41,329
Oh, my god.

1289
01:22:41,330 --> 01:22:43,330
Sorry.

1290
01:22:45,270 --> 01:22:48,620
- Really?
- Sorry. Sorry.

1291
01:22:49,810 --> 01:22:53,439
Yea. All right look. Wow. Now that he's back,

1292
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